An interesting idea for a book: cockroaches plot to rid themselves of their unwilling hosts new more tidy girlfriend. I could really do without the countless racial stereotypes (not to mention the sizism). I'm really only finishing this book because I have this weird thing about finishing every book I start. I do not recommend it.

Edited to add: I'm a few more chapters in now, and I cringe every page. I've convinced myself that I'm going to burn this book after I read it, but I still can't stop.

Finding humor in the absurd

June 29, 2002

Cheney's going to be our president for a few hours tomorrow, so Bush can get anally probed.

"We'll have him ready. His colon will be ready," Tubbs said.

This time period in my life...1991

June 29, 2002

In 1991 I had purple hair and lived in Lubbock with my comic book artist boyfriend that it took me over a year to finally break up with even though we spent most of our relationship not really liking each other very much. During this time period, I was reflecting on my life in Chicago friends, events, and trauma.

You can read about it here, if you want.

Amazing Day...Amazing Women

June 28, 2002

What a great day, the better part of it spent with two inspiring mamas. We are plotting the revolution in my living room. There's just something magical about talking about fixing the ills of the world while children play and scream around you. And every five minutes, m came in to announce a fact from his Giant Book of Cross Sections. And c climbed up in my lap to be snuggled and climbed back down. And did this several times, just naturally flowing into and away from me whenever he needed to.

We have several things planned, some of which I will not discuss here. One of the things I can discuss is we are going to try to get a nationwide nurse-in going the week before the international nurse out which coincides with World Breasfeeding Week.

Here in Austin, Hooters restaurants have signs on them stating that KIDS EAT FREE on Saturdays. First of all - who the fuck brings their KID to hooters? And second...well...our idea is to get a bunch of nursing moms to have a nurse-in outside of hooters. We will be holding signs that say "My kid always eats free at my Hooters."

I think the reason behind this is primarily, Hooters is pretty notorious for being shitty about waitresses who are also nursing moms and need to pump (there are at least two court cases that I know of). And also...we just like to fuck with the idea that breasts are sex objects. Sure, they can be, but they do serve another, very important function. And much of the anti-breastfeeding bullshit comes from people (um, men) who desire to see breasts (and women) as their property. And that damn baby keeps getting in the way.

So, I'm sure I'll post more about this event in the future. We'd like to have this happen in as many cities as possible. I'm not sure if Hooters is strictly a US "phenomenon," but if they have them in other countries, we could make it nationwide. The only drawback for me is that it's extremely doubtful that c would actually nurse in public with all sorts of babies around. He RARELY nurses outside our home anymore. But I'm sure we'll find plenty of women with babies who are eager to nurse.

After the Nurse-out, I think we're going to focus on either child abuse (particularly spanking) or obstetrics. We're trying to think of fun and interesting ways to protest and inform...so if anyone has any ideas, let me know!

Captain Underpants by: Dav Pilkey

June 28, 2002

m loves this book, as do many many kids his age, I'm told. Lots of juvenile potty humor and revenge of the nerds type stuff. It's pretty fun to read, even for me.

World Leader Pretend

June 28, 2002

Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to visit all of the beautiful people you've ever known, just to tell them how much they influence(d) you? I'm finding myself wanting to visit the past selves of former and current friends, hug them, kiss them, and perhaps lay them to rest.

I'm feeling like it's absolutely revolutionary that I'm able to exist in my life as it is, feeling completely uncompromised by anything and anyone. I'm feeling so full of life, and yet so sad that so many of the wonderful people I've known through my life have had to compromise to get by. And perhaps I'm worried that, at some point, I'll be forced to compromise again.

But today I looked at each of my children separately, and I was just filled to overflowing with love and hope for them. I embraced each of them, tears welling in my eyes, and told them that I love them and am so happy to have them in my life. I hope they never have to compromise. I hope they grow up to be completely free.

REM - Green

June 28, 2002

I was listening to this last night, and it struck me very suddenly that this album is more than 10 years old. almost 15 years old. Is this really as timeless as I think it is, or is it a sign of my age that I find it so?

Of course, I will always associate REM with JS, who I blogged about in my reminiscing category this week. I remember he made a tape of REM and Big Country for me and I loved him dearly for it. I remember being at his work party, sitting on his car, and he was explaining to me that "The Finest Worksong" is not a love song. I know that's not on Green, but it's one of my favorite memories of J. In his working class clothes with his working class ideals, before he went to art school and well before he drowned himself in corporate america and lost (at least apparently) his artistic vision.

So maybe this is why REM is timeless to me. It represents a part of my youth that I choose not to forget, because if I forget it, JS and all of the others who shared our lifestyle will vanish. I'm keeping these memories alive to keep them alive, in hopes that they will return.

I love you, J. I always will. I just wish I could help you become who you should have been. Perhaps, one day, you will.

You are the Everything
"Sometimes I feel like I can't even sing (say, say, the light)
I'm very scared for this world
I'm very scared for me
Eviscerate your memory
Here's a scene
You're in the back seat laying down
The windows wrap around
To sound of the travel and the engine
All you hear is time stand still in travel
and feel such peace and absolute
The stillness still that doesn't end
But slowly drifts into sleep
The stars are the greatest thing you've ever seen
And they're there for you
For you alone you are the everything

I think about this world a lot and I cry
And I've seen the films and the eyes
But I'm in this kitchen
Everything is beautiful
And she is so beautiful
She is so young and old
I look at her and I see the beauty
Of the light of music
The voices talking somewhere in the house
Late spring and you're drifting off to sleep
With your teeth in your mouth
You are here with me
You are here with me
You have been here and you are everything"

m Wants to Say Something

June 28, 2002

A Poem About Mommy and Daddy and c and Twyla and Bela and Funnyface and Giusseppe and Kyra

I like to play checkers or chest
Then I really like to checkmate the other person's king on the chestboard
and I like to be king me when I am playing checkers
and now here comes the poem part

Well every time I play that stuff I dream of I'm really trying to play a lot at a time.
And I like to say "yeha" a lot.
And then I like to really be the best at mille bournes.
To Mommy and Daddy and c and Bela and Funnyface and Giusseppe and Kyra.

The. End.

Googled...

June 28, 2002

Someone came to my site yesterday via a google search for anarchist + diaper. Hahaha.

The best part is that I checked out the search (I was like 8 pages back, so I comment this person for their persistence!) and found this site.

Don't let this happen in your town...

June 28, 2002

While the number of deliveries at Brackenridge is growing rapidly, so is the crisis in providers for patients without private insurance. Not only are fewer ob/gyns delivering babies in public hospitals because of malpractice insurance rates, but more doctors are limiting the number of publicly insured patients they can afford to accept. Yet studies by the Centers for Disease Control and the National Center for Health Statistics show that deliveries by nurse-midwives result in fewer malpractice suits, as well as lower costs, lower infant mortality and caesarian rates, and higher birth-weights. Says Chamberlain, "It is a bad time to be discriminating against midwives."

June/July 1991

June 27, 2002

Reminiscing about reminiscing...I wish I had a scanner, because I have a great picture of my purple hair. I'll scan it at work on Saturday.

6/14/1991 1:51 AM Lubbock Bedroom
I met JS in the spring of 1988. There was a club in Palatine called Durty Nellies where, every Sunday, a bunch of punk rock bands would play. It was a nice environment where everyone was cool to everyone else & whether I liked the bands or not, I usually ended up having a good time.

There were so many people who I used to talk to but never knew their names. One such person was this one guy who used to wear a beret all the time. I'm not even sure what my connection to him was, and I never had a real conversation with him, but we spent a lot of time smiling at each other and saying "hi" & when things got rough in the pit he would protect me from the flying fists and booted feet.

I guess I met J by mistake. I thought his friend K was my silent friend and said hello to them at a couple of different shows. As a matter of fact, it wasn't until much later that I realized that K and my silent friend were two different people.

J thought I was cool because I had my own fanzine and was so "popular" with the punk rockers (all of my life, I have been accused of being popular, yet I've never really had more than 3 close Friends at any given time...) I remember that I was impressed because he smelled so clean. He smelled like freshly washed clothes. And he was very good-looking. After I met him for the first time, I spent a lot of time staring at him from across the room. He was very tall and very thin. He had a really strong jaw and these weird eyes that were sort of blue-grey. I fell into one of my typical crush things. I was totally absorbed in wanting to get to know this guy.

The day after I met him I went to work and talked with my Friend A 0 who I often went to shows with. A had this really strong personality and, although she was a couple of years younger than me, she liked to pretend that she was older and more experienced. She had seen me talking to J the night before and was all excited about the possibility of my getting "tight" with him. In order to scam on him, as she said, we'd have to come up with a plan. For some reason, I pretended to be really stupid and insecure about men and allowed A to instruct me as to what I should do.

The first time J and I went out...

6/14/1991 4:51 PM Lubbock Bedroom
J came over to take me out for the first time. I was on the phone with my friend, P, and she was upset (as she usually was) about her painful breakup with D. J coming was the perfect excuse to get off of the phone. He drove me to a private beach in Winnetka. We sat in the sand and talked. There was a beached sailboat that must have broken loose from mooring miles down the beeach. It was just this huge boat laying on its side in the sand like a dead whale. We were piling rocks on top of each other and our topics of conversation jumped from publishing to art to punk rock - J spent a lot of time talking about Native Americans. He was the first person I'd ever met who didn't/wouldn't say "Indians." I guess we did talk about nature a lot. And how, there were certain tribes who intentionally make mistakes when creating weavings of bead work because all things natural are imperfect. I was surprised and impressed by his sensitivity. I went home feeling very good about my budding friendship

(non-flashback aside: I'm so mad that I didn't finish this character sketch. J is still someone I have in my life, but he is such a different person now...I wish I would have written more about him here.)

6/20/1991 Around 11 PM Kitchen Club, Lubbock
Waiting for Air Biscuit/Snufalupagus show to start. The DJ is playing really stupid obnoxious Thirwell-esque music. There are so many people here that it's almost impossible to have a good time...at least we got in for free. I just wih we could have sat a little closer to the stage. From here, I can't even see the stage. A bunch of peole just sat down at this table - the place is packed to overflowing. A just went home to get stuff to draw with/on.

I had a weird dream last night. About D/A (I'm not sure who it was & I think at different points of the dream it switched, but it started off that someone drove us to a store similar to Michael's, I believe and they left without us because D/A was taking his time about looking around the place. Anyway, next thing I remember is walking down a street with D (I'm pretty sure it was D at this point). We turned a corner and suddenly we were on Highland, less than a block away from my mom's house. When we turned the corner, D saw a girl he had a crush on so he told me and as we approached her, he began talking to her. I kept walking, assuming it was a private conversation. A few minutes later, D caught up with me and took my hand. He said he felt bad because she only wanted to be friends with him and he wanted to go out with her. He said he was so glad we were Friends and then the dream ended. Weird. If A saw this, I'm sure he would assume it was the typical L wanting to get back together with D thing. I just thought it was a weird dream.

Anyway - not much has been going on. There are just so many people here - I kind of just want to go home, but I know it'll piss A off. I kind of feel like he'd be having more fun if I wasn't here or maybe I would have more fun if I wasn't here!

6/26/1991 3:30 PM Welfare Office - Lubbock
Stare at an object so long/with so much intensity that it becomes something else...then changes back again.

Eyes fixed
Jaw clenched gripping pain beginning in tooth shooting upwards. It is a pen a dagger a pen again blood dripping where ink should flow. Think something - anything. Now take that thought and meditate on it and see how it makes you feel. The most ephemeral thought taken to the extreme always ends in life of death. NOw FEEL something and take that feeling to the same extreme. It will make you sick make you kick make you cry out in terror.

The feeling I got when I first realized that nothing was absolute. Not even love. I hung on to love with both hands. I needed something to be absolute to be everything to make everything worth living. Clutch. And one by one my fingers were pulled back one by one the valves snapped year by year to month by month to week to day to hour to minute to this very second. I am here I am alone and with nothing to cling to. I am hollow inside and with nothing that can fill me to eat would make me nauseious to live fills me - but now only with fear. What is life without love - what is love without EVERYTHING. I know love without sex and here I discover love without emotion love without any tie save loyalty and/or fear. It is nothing to me. All of this feels nothing. I feel everything but when the everything is nothing all I can do is clutch and cry because all of my fingers are severed.

6/27/1991 11:10 pm Lubbock bedroom
A's out riding my bike down to the railroad tracks. He doesn't want me around anymore. Love seems so useless. It always withers - never grows past a certain point but I'm too scared and uncertain to let it go. I'm scared that maybe love really doesn't exist and that the ideals I hold - the everything that I want love to be can never be. It's hard and it hurts so much. Oh, where is love? Where is understanding? The whole world feels so cold and hard and unfeeling. With D it was sleep. With A it is art. I sat in here and cried, hard, for a full fie minutes yesterday while he finished inking, cleaned his brush, and then methodically and dutifullly came over here to wipe away my tears. When I was sufficiently calm, he turned on the TV.

7/2/1991 12:37 AM Lubbock TX
East 70 to Shaky West 5

The dust, it seems, has coiled itself around the tires of the Greyhound bus - pulling us backwarks into the flat grey lands of Lubbock. Backwards, it does appear that we are travelling back and forth among the changeless plain. Somewhere I saw a bird whose wings would surely have spanned the bus back to front. I saw the bird as a vision - a vision that at first appeared as a fish, hanging in midair as if some unseen fisherman cast line from cloud to reel it in flapping yet silent from the red dust crowned gold by mid-afternoon solis. Then suddenly the image-vision changed. For certainly it was a bird all along. 6-foot span with ends tipped up and not even hanging but gliding circling. And surely it could have taken the bus up in its glorious talons lifting us ascending to meet the great firsherman above. And the nearer we came the bigger it became until so huge in fact that it swallowed the road, our road, the whole dusty road between Lubbock and Chicago in the belly of this great bird fish wing-tipped vision.

7/3/1991 12:30 AM Lubbock
The Air around the flame...

He must've been about 6'6" and only weighed about 130. Stunk like a 3-day corpse and musta had fleas or lice cause he was always itching. He would just sit there and scratch all night and we would watch, half-afraid, half empathic, but neither half strong enough to act.

In Chicago, they cleared all of the mentally disturbed folds out of the halfway houses - and they had no place to go, so they became a large percentage of the homeless population.

They all found their way into Kinko's Open 24 hours at some point - especially in the winter where a warm chair in front of a typewriter was far less hard than a cold concrete doorstep or alley way.

His name was Angel. "Older than a can of Spaghettios" He was, at times, Mr. Magoo - at other times the pilot of the spaceship we were all fling in. He wasn't allowed in most of the establishments in the neighborhood, as he had a habit of dropping his trousers and giving himself the good lovin' no on eelse would give him. Somehow we could never kick him out, though. Not even after the time he was hauled into the station for bashing some innocent guy over the head with a motorcycle helmet screaming "That's the man! That's the man who stole my paycheck." He came back 2 days later with hospital wristbands on both arms to crah and drool on himself in front of the first typewriter. We knew his name was Angel even though at certain points I know he didn't know himself. I was frightened and fascinated. I would stay in the store all night while he was there for fear that he would follow me home. And the one night he sat scratching and threw up all over his shirt. Midwinter he walks in shirtless and shivering. D offers him a nice flannel, but Angel refuses to wear it becaus he thinks it is dirty...

I came home from work early in the morning after a third shirt stint. Found a parking place right in front of 802 W. Buckingham - the complext that was my residence, if not my home. I heard the screams the minute I opened my car door. It was a clear morning early summer breeze off the lake - a beautiful day by any measure shattered by a scream becoming a wail becoming a plea. "No, don't hit me please!" Followed by the sound of skin hitting skin. Maybe I was hallucinating, I justified my lack of action with - opening the lobby door. I did not know where the sounds were coming from until I entered my apartment. K Stood there in her nightgown. Had I hear? Had I heard the sounds? Both of us hoping the other would say "No, I did not" so we could pass into sleep without guilt. Both of us knowing this could not be our imagination. It grew very cold very fast and the wails and pleas grew louder, now joined by a man's voice "Shut up, Bitch." followed by more violence skin on skin, wood scraping wood as furniture was moved. And K and I stood there. The noises were downstairs, but what could we do? Call the police? Wouldn't that make him more angry? Go down there ourselves? What could we do? Both of us were paralyzed with fear and disbelief. Both of us were gripped with fear and guilt and nausea. How could we be so selfish to not do anything while the girl downstairs screamed "Help, no please don't!" In the city, everyone can hear you scream - but no one can do anything about it because they are all screaming with you. The most selfish thing I've ever done was to stand there and listen to that yet - even upstairs locked in my own apartment - I feared that man - I feared that if I went down there it would be ME I'd find screaming for help.

there is no excuse for not helping that girl - none. No excuse. And even though not 12 hours later she was happily kissing him at the door of her apartment, black eye blazing, I still feel tremendous guilt for doing nothing.

I walked home from work at midnight. North on Clark. Just past Halsted, a car honked its horn at me. I turned, thinking it was a friend, but no one I knew. It did not occur to me that I was frightened, as I was always frightened. I forgot about it. When I reached Belmont, I turned left and continued west. Someone drove by in a car with the window rolled down and yelled something. I didn't hear what it was that they yelled. It did not occur to me that it was the same car but I walked faster anyway. I do not know if I could ever make a man understand what it is like to be followed because you are a woman and this scares me. I do not know how to explain the fear that grips me when a man drives by and says somethign to me because I am a woman. It is a feeling of complete powerlessness. It is always being on the defensive, but feeling like you probably can't defend yourself anyway. The real pain is in knowing that a man either cannot understand or refuses to admit that no matter what his intentions, his words will hurt me. No matter how nicely something is said, when it is from the mouth of a passerby it will scare me.

I'm at the corner of Clifton and Belmont when I see the car again. This time I realize it has been the same car all along. The car turns onto Clifton and stops. A man honks the horn and begins to roll down the window. I do not know this man. I am prepared for such things. I have formulated this plan during many walks home at night. I continue walking down Belmont, rather than turning down Clifton. The man sees me start to walk and drives down Clifton, stopping directly in front of my apartment. The fear encapsulates my entire body. This person knows where I live. I'm becoming hysterical with fear. I run the half block to the 7-11 and purchase a candy bar. I do not want to go back out there, but I can't stay in 7-11 all night. The pay phones are right outside. I am less than a block from my home, but I am too scare to run all the way there in this thick night. As I walk outside to the pay phone, I see the same car leaving the parking lot. Luckily, the driver does not see me. It is an insane game of cat and mouse where I am the hunted. I call my apartment, praying out loud that someone answers. J picks up the phone and I am crying, barely able to explain where I am. It takes them less than a minute to get to me, and I collapse into his arms crying loudly. We walk to the apartment silently. When we get home, I collapse into bed. Somehow I manage to sleep.

My other roommate gets home from work at eight this morning. I wake up as I hear him come into the door. I hear J tell him of what happened. D says "She ALWAYS thinks someone is following her." Then comes into the room where I lay half awake and half numb by his words..."I hear you almost got raped" - the rest of me goes numb and I sob loudly while he tries to apologize, but the damage has already been done and is impossible to repair.

In the sunlight
Your antiseptic smile
eclipsed my face

7/11/1991 8:02 PM Lubbock Bedroom
News report says that a Chicago man fell asleep on an inflatable raft and awoke in no sight of land. Five days later, he was sighted 17 miles from the Illinois shore. They rescued him by helicopter...he was severely dehydrated.

Yay!

June 27, 2002

I. Got. A. RAISE!

It wasn't much, but considering I wasn't even sure if I would have a job right now, it was certainly nice.

Currently singing

June 27, 2002

This is a lullabye I've been singing to c of late. It's on one of m's old Kindermusik CDs:

El Coquito
When Caw-Kee sings a sweet song at twilight
He is singing as sleep comes to me
When I wake all alone in the moonlight
Then Caw-Kee sings good night from the tree

Caw-Kee, Caw-Kee, Caw-kee-kee-kee-kee
Caw-Kee, Caw-Kee, Caw-kee-kee-kee-kee
(repeat until child drools, eyelids flutter, and sleep hits)

Pea Rocks

June 27, 2002

What is up with everyone lately?! You are all just rocking! Pea has some great words about our consumerist culture here.

A dream come true

June 27, 2002

I have taken the children with me on every vacation I have ever taken, and I have never had any significant amount of time to myself in this house. Even during mommy-time, I pretty much have to split and go somewhere else to be by myself b/c L hates bringing the kids out and never has any money and just never leaves the house in general.

So, last night, L informed me that next week he's going to take both kids and take a road trip to his home town to visit his family. "Finally!" he said "You have a chance to hang out here by yourself." he said "I'll even bring the dog!"

What do you suppose my response was?

The continuing saga

June 27, 2002

For those of you who haven't been privy, I'm somewhat suspicious that blueroses and I are actually the same person living a double life. We are even on the same cycle

Freaky!

veggies in paradise

June 26, 2002

My friend Christopher sent me a link to this site

Abbie the Cat Has a Posse

June 26, 2002

Chrissent me here.

I laughed. I cried. I hacked up a hairball.

You blog too much. You never shut up.

June 26, 2002

I think I've blogged like 8 or 9 entries per day for the last few days. Certainly someone will tell me to shut up at some point...right?

Wow!

June 26, 2002

I can't believe this judgment was issued during the current pro-patriotic regime. Perhaps there IS hope.

(link courtesy of Kat)

Rest in Peace, Grandma

June 26, 2002

I wish I had known you better...

Domenica
A funeral Mass for Domenica "Minnie" Duro 87, of A H, was celebrated June 17 at Our Lady of the Wayside Church, A H. Born Nov. 14, 1914, in Chicago, she died June 14 at her home.

She was preceded in death by her husband, Carmen; and a son, Vess.
Entombment was in St. Michael the Archangel Cemetery.

Overweight or Underweight - They'll get you either way

June 26, 2002

I hung out with my friend N today, and her two kids D and J. J just turned two, and N is all freaked out because he "only" weighs 21 pounds. She has been freaking out about this since he was a baby. Her pediatrician insists that she feed him that pediasure crap and hounds her about his (and her older son's) weight at every visit.

This is so common. And it is utter bullshit.

So I told her: "N, if the doctor gives you shit about J's weight, I want you to ask the doctor exactly what is MEDICALLY wrong with the child. Because being over or under weight in and of itself is not a medical condition. It's just not."

I asked her: "How often does he get sick?"
She answered: "I don't think he has ever been sick."
I asked her: "How active is he?"
She answered: "Very, VERY active."

Now, I'm not a doctor, but it seems suspicious when doctor wants to sell a product to a child who is not showing any symptoms of actual illness. As far as I know, BEING overweight or BEING underweight is not a symptom of illness. Perhaps abrupt weight gain or loss is, but general stature is not indicative of health. This child has ALWAYS been small. His father is small. His brother is small. It's a small family.

I told her: "I don't think you have anything to worry about. He has always seemed like a very healthy, vigorous child to me!"
And, of course, she said: "That's what everyone always tells me. And I know it's true..."

BUT the freaking money grubbing doctor has to put her two cents in and make a mama doubt her intuition.

Hate 'em. HATE 'EM. hateemhateemhateem.

(and if there are any doctors out there who can PROVE that most "diagnoses" like this are NOT motivated by greed, please say your piece. I would love to think better of the medical establishment)

Renaissance Girl...also rocks.

June 26, 2002

Are you getting tired of this yet? It's just that there are so many rocking rocking bloggers out there! Thanks for this, RG.

Wish Lists

June 26, 2002

I was thinking that somewhere there MUST BE a bulk foods wishlist...so I could link to it in hopes that anonymous people could buy me 50 pound bags of rice and beans.

Which I suppose is all I deserve, seeing as I'm not showing my boobies to anyone here.

Lorraine rocks.

June 26, 2002

For awhile she wasn't posting frequently, so going to her site this morning and finding TWO awesome posts by her was like opening up a present. Thanks, Lorraine!

Update on Racist Elementary

June 26, 2002

After inquiring about how I would go about joining the PTA as a homeschooler, I was informed by several that I would have better luck either running for or bending the ear of the school board.

I have no time or desire to kiss enough ass to be on the school board, but I happen to work with several people who do! So, I'm bending ears like mad. I talked with my nicey boss last night and told him about what I heard. When I told him that the principal of the school had been there for 20 years, he immediately said "She needs to get out and move around!" and then when I told him about the classful of "emotionally disturbed" kids he didn't even seem surprised, but he did seem angry. He said he would find out what he could about the school...so I'm waiting for his assessment and then I'll figure out what I can do from there.

Did I mention how much I love my job?

m Rocks

June 25, 2002

m is insisting that I read him Little Women, so we are alternating between that and Captain Underpants. Strange kid. Maybe now he'll let me read the Little House series (my mom handed me down first edition hard covers when I was too little to appreciate it - and I promptly scrawled my name in them...yikes!)

He's also learning about life by playing Sims (although I'm not sure if he's learning the really important stuff)...today I told him I was going to work, and he ALMOST tried to stop me, but then he said "You have to go to work, because...no work - no money. And no money - no food."

Um, ok, m...it's a little more complicated than that, but that's a start. I guess I won't be buying HOT DATE any time soon. Maybe I ought to find the money patch for the sims so m can learn that it's OK to be an anarchist squatter sim, too.

Bink Rocks.

June 25, 2002

Read Bink. Particularly this.

And...oh, yay!

June 25, 2002

I thought that my boobies had all done dried up, but today when c accidentally de-latched, I had a brief gusher.

Hooray!

I am so paranoid about "early" weaning. I mean, the kid is 20 months and eats several thousand square meals a day, but I'm clinging to these breastfeeding moments, man. I know I'm going to be so sad when he weans.

Someone remind me of this when he's like 7 and still hitting me up for nummies and I'm freaked out at the end of my rope, ok?

Am I evil?

June 25, 2002

m keeps making this strange popping sound with his tongue. It's like an exaggerrated "T" sound & he walks around the house making this sound at various times throughout the day.

It drives me insane.

We'll be playing cards or just hanging out or I'll be reading to him, and he will commence popping and I try REALLY hard to not say anything because it feels so utterly bitchy and irrational that this bothers me so much, but inevitably I end up asking him to knock it off. This, of course, only encourages him to do it more, which pisses me off even more...

...and so goes our day.

Seriously, does anyone else have any weird aversions to sounds? Because m's always been into repetitive sounds/phrases and I wish I could just get over it, but I find it very difficult to deal with.

Diaper Butt

June 25, 2002

I just got some new diapers for c, and they are all clean and BRIGHT white and there is really nothing cuter than a glow in the dark baby butt pattering through the house.

Yes!

June 24, 2002

Can I hear a RIGHT. FUCKING. ON.?

Chris Woods

June 24, 2002

Dr. Mabuse pointed me in this direction...I thought his cover for Adbusters No. 32 was amazing...nice to see more work by him.

Eightball #6

June 24, 2002

I really love the black and white drawings and esoterical storylines. But my favorite feature has always been the random question/response from Duplex Planet.

Mothering May/June 2002

June 24, 2002

The racist editorial in the beginning (that I blogged about here) didn't get this issue off on the right foot, and really, it never recovered. I guess Mothering was great and inspirational when I was a new mom, and I hate to sound cynical or know-it-all-ish, but I've heard it all before. And I don't exactly like having to swallow it after the smarmy editorial.

A Question

June 24, 2002

What do you say when you are teaching a classroomful of students how to clean a mouse, and one of them asks, quite innocently:

"How do you know when your balls are dirty?"

Giusseppe, the cantaloupe eating cat

June 24, 2002

I haven't mentioned this, because I was hoping it wasn't true, but it appears that Giusseppe is gone. For awhile now, I was kind of thinking he had wandered into someone else's house and would be back once they ran out of cantaloupe, but now...I'm really sad because I don't think he's coming back. I've checked at the pound and I think I'm going to hang up flyers this week. But I really think someone took him home with them because he's cute and fluffy and very friendly. And I could never keep a collar on him.

The other day, cy and I were looking out the window in the bedroom and cy suddenly said "Hmmmmm....seppe? sehhhhhhpeeeee!?"

So, apparently c misses him, too. It's so so sad.

Not weaning

June 24, 2002

I was scared for awhile there that cy was trying to wean. I'm really not ready for that to happen because I know that when he weans, I'm going to want another baby...and I know L does not want one.

However, even though he's not ASKING for nummies as much as he used to, he is gradually starting to ACCEPT nummies when I offer. Mostly at bedtime or when there's nothing else exciting going on.

So...was that a nursing strike? Is that what happens?

business decisions/moral decisions

June 24, 2002

My impression of uberboss was uplifted a couple of notches this weekend when she initiated a conversation about the difference between business and moral decisions.

She used to work for Monsanto. Her job? Calling all of the dairy farmers on record to try to get one of them to say that BGH wasn't bad for humans. She had to quit that job because she just felt it was so damn unethical.

So we were talking about Monsanto and how evil they are. About studies that link increased breast size in adolescent girls to consumption of hormone laden milk. (I tried to find a link on this subject, and I was led to lots of sites describing animal experiments...and that pisses me off even more. In case you didn't know, there is a milk&beef surplus & really no need to increase the cow milk/beef supply...so not only are the fuckers jeopardizing our lives, and causing endless animals to suffer to "prove" their product is safe (or unsafe, depending on the sponsor of the study) but they are doing so completely unnecessarily)

...And about business ethics versus moral/social responsibility. I was pleased to hear that she knows the difference. She described a conversation she had with a friend where her friend refused to recognize that there existed such a thing as moral responsibility in the business world. Her friend kept claiming that he had a "fiduciary" responsibility to his investors. Never mind the social responsibility...because I guess money is far more important than people.

It's always, um, interesting to hear how people justify these "business" decisions. It seems as though a business person who feels that making outrageous amounts of money is necessary for survival would have to justify the means by which the money is made. Maybe it's a survival thing. A completely "evolved" worldview to support an addiction to lifestyle. I'm no different in many respects.

On the way home from work (I was driving!) I was listening to talk radio & someone was talking about human safety vs. convenience. They brought up the example of speed limits. If someone were to ask "at what speed could cars drive to ensure there were never any automobile accidents or fatalities" the answer would probably be 5 MPH. But that's too much of an inconvenience to your standard person. So we choose the risk of human (and animal, I might add) life over the inconvenience of not being able to transport ourselves quickly from one place to another.

Now, of course, this was AM Talk radio, so I was supposed to be led to believe that it would be ridiculous to even CONSIDER human safety over convenience. But I did consider it. It struck me as really freaking odd that we, collectively, have chosen to build our society so that cars are a near necessity for many people, in spite of the fact that they do cause people to die both directly through accidents and indirectly through pollution.

Anyway...this post is sort of meandering...perhaps it's too early for me to try to get a point across today. But I just thought it was interesting stuff.

And, there may be hope yet for uberboss...

Surfing on Sunday!

June 23, 2002

I've linked her before...this time I'm blogrolling her.

She led me here.

uMM...I hope I never have enough time on my hands to visit all of the sites linked here. But I was, um, bored enough to view a portion of the gummy dongs movie. (yes...it is a movie about, um, gummy dongs.)

I like the way she writes...

...also her

And this one has a neat layout...I like the mosaic at the top.

Suess has a blog now!

Because she's begging for people to read her blog...I figured I'd link her. hahaha.

I thought I'd linked here before...but just in case I haven't.

Nickel Creek

June 23, 2002

and, yes, I also listen to Prairie Home Companion. Hey, man...even punkrockers like to hear some righteous fiddle playing every once in awhile.

More of My Shit

June 23, 2002

If there is one thing I need to focus on erasing from my vocabulary, it's the word "crazy." I use it frequently and I use it lightly and I think it's bullshit for me to do so.

Today, while talking to my boss and co-worker about a client of ours who delivered to me probably the most negative feedback I have ever received, and who proceeded to complain about my co-worker when he took a class on her campus, I referred to him as crazy.

My boss asked "What's his name?" and when we answered...she looked sort of shocked. Then she revealed that he is, in fact, mentally ill. She knows this through a previous job working with mentally ill clients. In fact, she said, many many many of our clients are mentally ill and we don't even know it.

I was sort of shocked. And when I said out loud that I needed to be more conscientious about using words like crazy or insane or whatever about clients, both my boss and my co-worker just sort of laughed it off. I think they think I'm TOO sensitive or something. My boss said something to the effect of "To be honest, when you work with the mentally ill on a daily basis, you tend to become pretty cynical about it."

I don't want to be cynical. I don't want to shrug off my insensitive comments as being "a tool of the trade."

Obviously, there's another huge area of unlearning here that I need to work on.

A Saturday in my life

June 22, 2002

Read about it here

A Lovely Saturday in my life

June 22, 2002

7:30 AM
cy hits me over the head with a random toy that shares the bed with us. Is it morning already?

8:00 AM
cy eats a "cookie" (actually a graham cracker) while I try to figure out what to make of our empty fridge. The boys are eating so much lately. There is no fruit in the house...no potatoes...no raisin bran...no peanut butter...no leftovers. m is going to flip out when he wakes up.

8:30 AM
m is flipping out because there is enough to eat.

8:45 AM
A momentary lapse in sanity causes me to consider (out loud) the possibility of going to Taco Cabana. This gets m to calm down...but then I remember that the last time we were there they put BACON in our potato tacos. I remind m of this and cools on the idea of going...which is ok by me. I convince him that a can of garbanzos will suffice and promise that I will run by the grocery store on my way home from work.

9:00 AM
The children play while I get ready for work

9:30 AM
I leave for work. I have to be there early today for a curriculum meeting. My uberboss is already there, waiting in her car, when I arrive (she doesn't have keys). Have I mentioned how...tolerable...she has been since the 360 degree evals? I suppose that speaks a lot in her favor, in spite of the fact that she tried to weasel out of being held accountable by her boss. We talk while we're waiting for my co-worker to show up.

10:00 AM
Meet meet meet. Talk talk talk. Yadda yadda yadda.

2:00 PM
The meeting is over...the network is down...I make sure my management assistant knows what to do and go home. Stopping by the store on my way.

3:00 PM
I'm home. I walk in to find L laying on the couch watching PBS with c sleeping on his chest. When I'm done melting into a puddle on the floor, I gently grab the baby and carry him to the bedroom for his nap.

3:15 PM
m emerges from his room, and we talk for a bit...read for a bit...and start making our pizza. I tell him it's going to be punk rock pizza, and he declares that he hates punk rock...I turn on THE STRIKE anyway...and notice he is visibly enjoying the music. "Do you like this music, m?" I ask. "Yes!" says m. "It's punk rock, dude..." I say. "Oh, then I HATE IT!" says m. Thinking quick, I recover "awww...actually, this is ska." "Oh, OK..." says m, "That's a funny name for a type of music. I gather ingredients with his help. He runs outside for a sprig of rosemary and 4 leaves of basil.

4:00 PM
There's something about chopping vegetables while listening to someone sing "She's kicking ass for the working class." I'm not sure what it is, but some young upstart who claims to not like punk rock is not going to stand in the way of my enjoyment of it, damnit! I make the sauce for the pizza, and m helps me pour the ingredients for the crust into the bread machine

4:30 PM
cy is awake, and I'm rolling the dough into a cookie sheet. c sees me doing this, runs to the hallway where the playdoh is stored high on a shelf, points up to it and says "DOUGH! DOUGH!" I pull the play-doh down...happy to oblige! By the way, cy seems to like The Strike, as well.

4:45 PM
c brings me a round pat of play-doh and says "Cake! Cake!" and, as I start to pretend to eat it he says "Bwow! bwow!" So, apparently, he has made a birthday cake for me and I'm to blow out the candles. Pretty cool, considering there has only been one birthday party that c has attended in the last 6 months. It's kind of neat that he's starting to use his imagination now. This is a new thing. It is very very cool

5:30 PM
m is asking me to read Little Women to him. I oblige...but there is a very caustic odor emanating from the oven. I open the oven door and am rewarded with puffs of plasticine smelling smoke. Yick. I think c threw a piece of plastic in the over or something at some point and it's melted to the bottom rim. I take the pizza out and cool the oven down so I can safely remove the offending item.

6:00 PM
More play-doh play ensues. c keeps putting it in his mouth, and I keep putting it up as soon as he does so. then he runs to the hallway and screams that he wants "pay-oh? pay-oh?" So I keep giving him another chance. By now the floor is covered with chunks of play-doh anyway...and the playdoh is probably not nearly as toxic as the melted plastic air that we're breathing.

6:30 PM
I decide to relocate the playtime outside. We throw balls around, and check out the garden. Zucchini are growing, watermelon is vining. My garden resembles a small jungle...the tomato plants are growing all over the place and the fruit is heavy on the branches. I don't have enough cages, so it's all lush and bushy and beautiful.

7:00 PM
Pizza is done. Yum! It's very very tasty. We all chow down. L wakes up.

7:30 PM
m is taking forever to eat. I'm playing playdoh with c again...

8:00 PM
L whisks cy up so I can install House Party on the computer. m plays with his fire truck.

8:15 PM
c finds m's stuffed frog and exclaims "Fuck! Fuck!" (which is c-ease for Frog) L and I look at each other and laugh.

8:30 PM
I read some more Little Women to m...finish installing House Party, play more play-doh with c...and then play with pattern blocks with c. He hands me a triangle and says "ty-ankle?" and then he hands me the diamond and says "taco? taco?" and then he hands me the hexagon and says "chip? chip?"

9:30 PM
The living room is trashed, and it's time for c to go to bed. I get m set up to play Sims while I nurse c down.

10:00 PM
m tires of sims, so I brush his teeth and send him to bed early.

And here I am, writing, cleaning, surfing, and eating some yummy tropical source chocolate and watching the day draw to a close.

This is not my child

June 22, 2002

Me: Awright! Tonight we're going to make some PUNK ROCK PIZZA!!

m: What's punk rock pizza?

Me: It's pizza that you make while you listen to punk rock.

m: Awwwww...I HATE punk rock...it's my LEAST FAVORITE!

Me: *sigh*

41 years later...

June 22, 2002

"The limited education America has granted her ex-slaves has even already produced great unrest...no man with education equal to your own will serve you. The only way you can continue to rule us is with superior knowledge by continuing to withhold equal education from our people. America has not given us equal education, but she has given us enough to make us want more and to make us demand equality of opportunity."
Malcolm X
Cambridge, Massachusetts
March 24, 1961

Everyday Mysteries by: Jerome Waxler

June 21, 2002

What a cool book! This book has all sorts of pictures of various every day objects greatly magnified, and you have to guess what they are. Answers are included for impatient dweebs like me.

Clothespins for the Revolution

June 21, 2002

I'm in the process of inviting people to participate in the blog portion of Clothespins for the Revolution. It's about time we get it going, eh? If you don't get an invitation from me, and you are interested in contributing anti-consumerist, pro-mindfulness content (links, ideas, quotes, images, and articles) please let me know, and I will invite you. We are currently powered by blogger, but Cecily is becoming a queen of MT, so I'm hoping we can switch over soon (I'm supposed to be helping her, but I just have a FEELING she will be doing most of the important work...go look at how beautiful her blog is and you will understand why.)

An argument for shaving one's pits...

June 21, 2002

...because, after staying up embarrassingly late playing Sims, it is exceedingly unpleasant to be awoken by a small child who insists on yanking on one's armpit hairs.

(sheerly hypothetical, of course...everyone knows *I* wouldn't stay up late playing a computer game, and my darling little angel would NEVER do something painful to me upon waking)

Ack! I left stuff out!

June 20, 2002

I left out some of my favorite cy things that happened today (which is quickly turning into yesterday)

-sitting on the floor with cy and coloring for about an hour. He kept giving me crayons and I would tell him what color they were, and then he would say the name of the color and I would make a squiggle or a line in his little book. This is how he is forcing me to teach him the names of colors. Of course, the phone rang in the middle of this whole event, and when I came back, he had a blue mouth. Freaking crayon-eater. You know they know they're doing something wrong when they wait until you turn your back to do it. Goofy kid.

-Laying on the bed and watching cy dig around in his toy bin and hand me various small toys. At one point he found a foamy letter 2, and handed it to me. I said "That's a TWO!" and he did a happy little jig around the room that I called the "2 dance" and from then on, whenever I said "TWO DANCE!" he would stop whatever he was doing and do his dance.

A Good Day

June 20, 2002

Today was a particularly good day. We woke up without any trace of grumpiness, had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for breakfast (the kids are being extra super finicky about food lately, and some days I just do not even want to attempt to play the "guess what I want to eat today" game, so I fell back on the old standard.)

Then for awhile there...a pretty long while...I had the kids running around wearing silk scarves pretending they were butterflies. cy and I danced and sang along with a Kindermusik CD while m read a Richard Scarry book, and then I read the Richard Scarry book to m while c danced about the room saying "fwy fwy" (his word for butterfly) with his scarf tied around his neck, billowing out behind him. He always cracks himself up when he does this.

We had an incident where cy was climbing all over the couch and right as I was about to enforce the "no climbing on the couch because you could potentially fall on your head" rule, he fell...on his head. But the kid's head is made either of rubber or of concrete because he cried a bit and nursed a bit and then popped back up and started bopping around the house.

m, who was reintroduced last week to his long lost SIM THEME PARK game, has now been introduced for the first time to THE SIMS. Thanks, L. I have to say that Sim Theme Park caused m to think about and say the strangest things. For instance, when we went to Wheatsville for breakfast the other day, m looked at the menu board and said "Mom! They're not making any money here!" and later that day he told me that I was really great and he was promoting me to marketing director. I bet I'm the first person in the world who started out as an entry-level mom and ended up as marketing director on the whim of the Chief Executive Officer himself. hahaha.

Anyway, so I let m play Sims while I went to lay cy down for his nap. Only cy didn't want to lay down for his nap right away. He kept popping up and saying "FIVE? FIVE?" Which means he wants me to give him five. I'm not sure what this has to do with naptime, but I'm becoming concerned about the fact that he avoids nursing as much as possible. I'm starting to think that maybe he's weaning himself. He shuns the booby as much as he accepts it lately and it's difficult to tell if it's just a nursing strike or phase or if he's actually weaning. Meanwhile I'm like the booby pusherwoman...constantly trying to get him hooked on the goods, man.

So, finally I got cy to sleep, and shortly thereafter K came over. She had art class this morning, so we only got to hang out with her for a couple of hours. She and m played in his room for awhile, and then they dragged some toys to the back room to play after I asked them to please relocate the noisy play so as to not wake up c. They are such good playmates! I love listening to them together because they both seem to bring out the best in each other.

I did some blogging while they were occupied, and then I got up to make some hummus. I plucked 8 very ripe cherry tomatoes from the garden to put on the hummus plates. Yum!

m got a little antsy after K left. He just loves being the center of attention, and once he is not, he does whatever it takes to get the attention. Eventually, he will learn that it pays to kind of blend into the background every once in awhile. Until then, L and I just have to constantly remind him about appropriate ways to get attention.

I flaked on m's eye appointment today, and was worried that they would charge me. Thankfully I have the world's best doctor, and I would have to miss FOUR APPOINTMENTS IN A ROW for them to charge me for a missed appointment. That, my friends, is unheard of! Unfortunately, I had to reschedule for a couple of weeks down the road, and I'm nervous about m's vision still. His eyes still seem to be focusing improperly. I guess it won't kill anyone to wait. I honestly thought the appointment was for tomorrow.

Oh well. Right now I'm at work, and I've decided to "let" my management assistant teach today's class for me. He does a great job with Internet Explorer, and the students are currently doing a web scavenger hunt. In a little while, they will be heading into the server closet for a very basic explanation of networking.

It's Thursday, which is my Friday. And tomorrow, Friday, is the day that I get my mommy time. So, yay! Tonight I will clean the bathroom and take a nice, relaxing bath. ahhhhhh...

360 degree update...

June 20, 2002

My co-worker called yesterday to tell me something that she thought would make me laugh. She said that she heard from another manager in our organization that our boss, along with the other (a third) manager have been BEGGING the executive director to not take the 360 degree evaluations into account for their performance appraisals.

I'm not surprised about this, but I am surprised that my co-worker thought it was funny. Unethical behavior is not really very funny to me. I mean, I thought it was funny ironic funny, but she was expecting me to bust out in a big gut laugh and I just couldn't even muster a fake one.

The fact is that the MANAGERS were the ones who pushed for the stupid evaluations without consulting the other employees. They are the ones who mandated it. They are the ones who did not listen to us when we said we thought it was bullshit and stupid (and believe me, my co-workers and I did not hold back...but by the time we were informed, it was "too late" to change the procedure.)

In fact, it's this very unwillingness to listen to the front line members of the organization that caused them to be scored harshly on their evaluations. Yes, that is funny. I'm not laughing, though.

Workers Have No Rights

June 20, 2002

G came to class last night, visibly upset. She's one of my favorite students...she is only able to come to class two nights a week because she's taking another class the other two days, but she manages to stay caught up.

I asked her what was up, and she told me that she needed to ask me a favor. Her boss did not believe she was in school at night. Actually, what she told me was that her boss said she was too old to be going to school(!!!!!) and that she needed a note from us confirming that she was indeed enrolled because G has been missing weekly meetings (which are mandatory, and 2 hours long, but for which G does not get paid).

This is such bullshit, but I don't even have time to be appalled, because I'm too busy listening to all my other clients talk about how they are being required to put their DATES OF BIRTH on job applications, along with MAKE AND MODEL AND LICENSE PLATE NUMBERS of their cars (even for jobs that don't require driving.)

I guess employers don't give a shit about potential lawsuits or complaints now that people are desperate for work. Fucking fuckity fuck fuck fuk (I honestly was trying to write a post without using the word fuck, but I just can't - these fuckers make me so angry!) We have done some research on this and it's unclear whether these questions (which are even printed on applications for STATE JOBS) are illegal, but they are unquestionably unethical. There is no reason at all that an employer would need to know the exact age of a potential employee. The ONLY reason that an employer would need to know whether or not a potential employee owns a car would be if they employee will be required to use their car for work purposes.

Asking these questions on job applications is UNQUESTIONABLY discriminatory. Unfortunately, the people I work with aren't in a position to protest. Jobs are scarce, and no one has ever gotten a job on the basis of being a rabble rouser.

Anyone want to start a new freaking country with me?

My Zit

June 19, 2002

Not to detract from the lively political discussions going on here and elsewhere, but I have a zit that is large enough to have its own central nervous system smack in the middle of my forehead. It's driving me crazy. I rarely get zits, but when I do, they seem to be huge tumorous entities.

Not only that, but L can't resist poking me on the zit whenever he walks past me. He's been begging me to let him pop it since it first appeared, but I'm afraid that I would lose a dangerous amount of plasma if he did.

OK. That's all. Carry on with your day.

Is it any wonder...

June 18, 2002

...that ERASE is such a powerful organization? It was founded by Applied Research Center, which brings us ColorLines Magazine.

Institutionalized

June 18, 2002

PREFACE: I do NOT have the answers to the questions I'm going to raise here. There are plenty of people with so-called "higher" degrees of education (essay on the bogus "knowledge monopoly" of colleges and universities forthcoming) who get paid a lot more money than I do to solve these problems. I feel it's my job to point out the fucking problems. Perhaps some of you can tell me I'm full of shit and should stop worrying about this stuff, or even maybe some of you can propose solutions. Either way, I'm determined to join the PTA this year in spite of the fact that I am NOT enrolling my son in school.

My most horrific suspicions about the neighborhood school were confirmed yesterday. I met a woman on the playground who knows a great deal about the inner workings of the school and we had a long conversation.

The first thing I learned was that there is a large group of emotionally disturbed foster children, 95% of whom are of color, who are bussed to that specific school. She said that they are all in one class because the teachers are not equipped to handle their "problems" in addition to the needs of the other 25+ students in their classes.

WHAT THE FUCK?! This made me want to fucking barf right then and there. Here's what I'm seeing. A school that is 75% white (I don't know the exact numbers, but it's predominantly white)...you bus in some people of color...then you segregate them into their own class because they have emotional problems...and you expect the white children to draw WHAT conclusions about race? Does this FUCKING make sense to anyone?

Not only that, but what does it do to the children in the "emotionally disturbed" class? "Look, I'm sorry that your life is fucked up through no fault of your own, but we don't trust you around those other (white) children because you might 'disrupt their learning' or 'create a hostile environment.' So we're going to shove you all in one class so you can, you know, get used to being segregated and invalidated on your one-track journey through the many varieties of institutions in which you will no doubt be incarcerated."

Oh. my. fucking. backflipping. holy. freaking. maude! This pisses me off! And these foster children...who is on their side? Because I have met them on the playground. I have blogged about J (not the J at work, this J is a 1st or 2nd grade kid), who is so so sweet to c in spite of the fact that his horribly inept teacher (and I can't BELIEVE this insensitive PRICK is in charge of the emotionally disturbed children! It is he who has his back turned while the other children in the class punch, trip, hit and tease J.) constantly berates him in front of me while I try to tell him that he's a nice kid. And because our fucking school system wants to...what? Preserve the integrity of their alfuckingmighty standardized test scores? Prevent teacher burnout? Avoid potential lawsuits? What? Tell me, what is it that is more important than the future of these children who've already been dealt a raw fucking deal by life? What is it?

I'm so pissed off about this, I can't even fucking see straight. Not only is this segment of the school population segregated off, but also all of the spanish speaking kids are in their own class. Which I can understand might be important to the children who are just learning english and cannot be thrown into the "mainstream" english-speaking population, but isn't there a more radical approach to this? Isn't there a way to infuse the Spanish-speaking population into the english-speaking population without compromising either demographic? Shouldn't both languages be celebrated? Particularly here in Texas, where, god, it's a fucking life skill to learn Spanish (one that I damn sure wish I had).

What is the freaking deal? I really really understand why certain segments of the population would voluntarily opt for segregation. I totally believe that is the perogative of a group that could potentially be marginalized. However, this sort of enforced, institutionalized segregation stinks like horse shit to me.

Like I said before, I don't have the solution to this problem. I suspect the solution lies in a complete deconstruction of the public school system as it stands. Because a child should not have to be subjected to these labels and categorization. Because a child should not be doomed to fail before they even have a chance to fully understand what failure is. And because children should not be systemically trained to view other children (or themselves) as problems (and not just problems, but SOMEONE ELSE'S problems).

And if I hear one more fucking parent of a publically schooled kid tell me that my kids are somehow missing out on cultural diversity, I'm going to tell them to shove it up their ass. Because, seriously, if this is institutionalized learning's idea of cultural diversity...there really is no wonder that we are in such a fucked up place about race issues in this country.

I thought I would easily find a bunch of sites about systemic racism in our public schools. A quick search netted only ONE.

Thanks, "Jim"

June 18, 2002

This link comes courtesy of fertile_jim. And it's somewhat ironic b/c I spend my bus ride today writing an essay on race and institutional education in my head.

thanks, "jim."

No More Prisons

June 18, 2002

It occurred to me today that if I am opposed to the death penalty because of the inherent injustice of our racist system, then I certainly must also oppose imprisonment of any kind.

OK, so maybe I'm a little slow, but I'm slowly starting to understand some things other people have been telling me for a long time.

Why L Rocks

June 18, 2002

Last night I came home and there was one slice left. Just for me. He made pizza. I don't know how he did it...there's not a freaking scrap of cheese (not even soy cheeze!) in the house, but he managed to throw together the yummiest vegan pizza, homemade crust and all. I'm glad they at least saved me a piece. I mean...this stuff was TASTY.

Of course, I'm never allowed to compliment him because he always looks at me like I'm being a dork if I say anything nice to him. So I just sort of gave him a moonyswoony look. I'm sure I'll find a way to reward him later. I still owe him for the southern fried breast of tofu...even though he has not fixed my computer yet.

m's Quote of the Day

June 17, 2002

Today m accidentally left the water running in the bathroom after he washed his hands. Our bathroom sink is draining slowly, so when I finally noticed the water was on, the bathroom floor was completely flooded with water. I called m in, and showed him what had happened, and we both set about cleaning up the mess.

When we had finished, I told m he needed to be more careful about turning off the faucet because it wasn't a good idea to waste water. He said "I'm sorry." and I said "Don't apologize to me..." to which he replied "I'm not apologizing to you, mom...I'm apologizing to the sink. And the ocean."

randomWalks

June 17, 2002

I have to say that there seems to be a sudden influx of really good links on randomWalks. Not that they don't normally rule, but today they rule supreme.

Digital Empowerment

June 17, 2002

This is one of the lobbying groups that was much discussed at last weekends CTCNet conference. There is lots of information on their site about providing digital access/digital equality.

George W. Bush and his administration are walking around saying that the digital divide has already been bridged, and organizations like mine are merely equivocating about quality rather than access. I think the quote that's been bantered about is that they feel that it's an Mercedes divide rather than a digital divide. Meaning, we're complaining that those who are at an economic disadvantage are being given Yugos rather than Mercedes...the idea behind which is supposedly the vehicle is there and we're bitching about comfort.

As any of you who are remotely digitally savvy probably know, this is bullshit. There is a vast degree of difference between the digital equivalent of a Yugo and the digital equivalent of a Mercedes. Not to mention that neither vehicle is worth shit if no one helps you learn how to put the freaking thing in gear.

If you are interested in writing to your elected officials about the urgency of this issue, the digital empowerment site is a great resource of information about who to write to and even what to say. CTCs are a relatively new public service, and our piece of the pie is being eaten away by defense budgets. The advantage of CTCs over other public/social service programs is that we are really helping to improve the futures of people who are at an economic disadvantage. By reaching out to parents and children and providing them with access to technology and helping them learn how to utilize that technology, we are really helping to narrow the information and knowledge gap.

Freedom

June 17, 2002

I keep thinking about freedom and doing the things that I enjoy doing in life. Really, at this very moment in my life the only real restrictions I have are time and money. The paradox is that in order to have more of one, it means I would have even less of the other.

What am I willing to sacrifice for more time? I feel like I've already rearranged things to optimize my time, and the only thing I could do to generate more time would be to somehow become all-powerful and actually change the way time is measured...

What am I willing to sacrifice for more money? Not a whole fucking hell of a lot. I'm in a hole right now, financially. If I think about it too hard, I might freak out. So I don't think about it! In general, though...I'm enjoying my freedom. I'm enjoying being out of the rat race. I'm enjoying having a spouse who is out of the rat race, too. I've chosen to live this way, and I'm pretty damn happy about it, even if I do sometimes wonder how we are going to make ends meet.

I feel very lucky. I have lots of time to spend with my beautiful children. I have a partner who is supportive of my needs and desires (for the most part) and one whose needs and desires I can support (for the most part). I have a wonderful (free! Thanks kd!) outlet for communicating my thoughts and feelings (not to mention a pretty cool "audience" to add to and expound on and refocus them). I have a great job that enables/forces me to exist in a role of support and encouragement to others, not to mention the support and encouragement I receive from my clients on a daily basis. I have a roof over my head. Food in my stomach. I even bought a new backpack the other day (you can tell it's been a long time since I've spent any money on material items when I get totally excited about buying a backpack...and I HAD to buy it because my old one was literally falling apart!)

I have to say, there isn't much I can complain about right now. I wish I could thank everyone who has helped me to come to this place. I wish everyone could have a period in their lives where they could feel this free.

Silly Baby Tricks

June 17, 2002

Apparently, cy is also becoming aware of his nether regions. Another new trick of his is to balance on his head with feet on the ground and his bottom waving around in the air. He then pats himself and declares "BUTT! BUTT! BUTT!"

What can I say? The kid knows his body parts!

Oh, cY!

June 17, 2002

I've been running around all day cleaning up after and having various degrees of panic about the misadventures of cy.

This kid is all action. There are toys strewn all about the house. Random toys of random origin that cy grabs from random places, carries around for a random amount of time, and then randomly discards. Today has been a moody day for me, so I've been cursing under my breath about this all day.

Then there are the books. His favorite hobby these days is to pull the books off of the various bookshelves one by one and either throw them to the ground or bring them to me. There are books all over the bedroom floor that I can't ever put away because if I try to put them away while he is awake, he just pulls them back down immediately (I find that I can put them away SLIGHTLY faster than he can pull them down, but it feels totally frustrating to do so). If I wanted to put them away, I would have to do it during one of his naps, or after bedtime and...well...I don't want to wake him.

And, while I'm sorta bitching WHAT IS IT with his uncanny ability to scan the area in a microsecond and ALWAYS grab THE ONE THING in his reach that could potentially maim him. Somehow he managed to grab a pair of scissors in the car yesterday that I didn't even know were there. And, of course, it is a horrible injustice if I should try to remove these things from his grasp! The NERVE of me!

And MUST HE REALLY have to climb into the fridge EVERY TIME someone opens the door?

As the day builds, these things all start to build in me until my shoulders are hunched and I"m starting to gripe at everyone and everything. I don't want to hear any whining. I don't want to hear any freaking crying or screaming because I'm not responding with lightning speed to every freaking request or demand. I DON'T want to be touched, climbed on, or messed with. I AM NOT A FREAKING JUNGLE GYM.

And then, when it's finally bedtime, we lay down together. He refuses to nurse because he knows it makes him sleepy. He starts banging his head against the wall (not to mention ME) in an effort to stay awake. He wiggles. He giggles. He runs from the bed...

And then he does something completely new. He unfurls his tongue from his mouth, pants like a dog, and licks me. My pinched face unpinches. He licks me again. I smile...trying not to laugh. Again. I chortle. Again. I bust out laughing. I laugh and I laugh and I laugh and I laugh so hard I start to cough. He laughs too.

And then he snuggles up next to me and nurses himself to sleep.

Sunday Surfing...

June 16, 2002

Wiley Wiggins has a blog.

Pea has redecorated...and dangerous beans looks fantastic!

I'd like to come back here and read more when I have time

Talking about penises...with grandma? (I don't think I would know the protocol, either)

Cool! I found a site with cool pavement stones through this site.
(too bad I don't have any money...these would make really cool path stones...

Punk Rock Aerobics? He led me to it (although I'm pretty sure he doesn't "get" it.)

This site is simple and straightforward. I like it a lot.

She used to work at Kinko's. Are there any other Kinko's refugees out there? We're thinking of forming a support group.

And on a much more positive note...

June 16, 2002

I came home from my little mini-outing (cut short today because, well, it IS Father's Day) and asked m if he missed me. He replied:

"Yes! I thought you would never come back...I always miss you when you go away. And you are always beautifuller when you come back, even when you are just coming back from work."

Awwwwww!

Religious intolerance...Gotta Love It.

June 16, 2002

A child climbs all over a large statue of the Buddha in the lobby of a Chinese restaurant.

One of the parents turns to the other and says:
"You wouldn't let him climb all over a cross if you were at church."

The other parent responds:
"Yes....but that's GOD!"

(and, yes, this conversation was loud enough for all of the patrons and restaurant workers to easily overhear)

My Midwife...

June 16, 2002

My Midwife has a bumper sticker that says:

"Midwives help people out."

(I realize I'm not pregnant, but I still call her My midwife)...

The Strike - A Conscience Left to Struggle With Pocketfuls of Rust

June 16, 2002

There's something about blasting "She's Kicking Ass For The Working Class" while making breakfast for the children. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it's one of those wonderful advantages of motherhood.

The Strike sound a LOT like Stiff Little Fingers, but, hey...there is always room for more than one raspy rock&roll band, right? This CD kicks ass, alright.

Train to Chicago/Van to MN

June 15, 2002

Bonus points to anyone who manages to read the whole thing. This is a really long "this time period on my life."

Mid-Late June, 1999

June 15, 2002

6/14/1999
The night began and ended with a yo-yo

As I ventured out of the house for a few hours of that alien concept freedom I thought "I don't really want to go to a coffee shop, but what else to do? Stuart's band is playing at Emo's, but I don't know if I feel like finding a parking space and meandering around 6th street by myself. I made a deal with myself, as I tend to do in these situations. There was no coin to flip, so I decided that if Toy Joy was open & I could buy a yo-yo, I would go to the show. A yo-yo was a good social pacifier & doubles as a mighty fine weapon as well if need be.

Sure enough, Toy Joy was open. I deliberated for a very long time before choosing what I thought was the appropriate yo of the job - a silver Yomega X-wing. I brought it to the counter & was informed by cutie boy cashier that the Millenium was the exact same yo-yo only it cost 7 bux less. I told him I was sorta wondering, but since I couldn't test them, I went with the brand I trusted. He scoffed at my reticence to ask for assistance "you should learn to ask for help!" he told me, pulling out a bucket full of yo-yo's of all shapes and sizes. I tested out the Millenium & found it to my liking + bonus, they had it in Lime Green. I told him I was worried the "auto return" meant that it wouldn't sleep & he again guffawed "You didn't know the brain was auto-return? That's the whole reason for the clutch system, girl. ASK QUESTIONS! It's the only way to get answers."

He said he figured I owed him one...about 7 dollars wortha one & I told him I'd catch him next time. Asked if I could "wear it out" & he laughed and discarded the box for me. I flung merrily all the way to the car, keeping that string around my finger even while driving.

"Alright" I told myself. "A deal is a deal...now you gotta go see that show." So I drove by Kinko's first to see if anyone I knew was working & no one was so I drove down Red river. I must've circled Emo's 6 times looking for a parking place that seemed suitable. Granted, Austin is not crime-ridden, but I wasn't feeling much like taking a risk for a last-minute thought. I actually had the car parked at one point, but noticed a drug deal going down across the street & felt it was prudent to move on. I dunno why Austin seemed so seedy that night. Maybe it's that it has been awhile since I was last on 6th street...or maybe the streets are more deserted/scary w/all of the students gone. But I broke my deal with myself & headed back up to the drag.

I still wasn't in the mood for coffee, but I was in the mood for pinball. I parked my car and walked to Le Fun - yo-ing all the way. A homeless person stopped me to talk about my new treasure (it occurs to me now that I could/should have given the yo-yo to him...that would have been nice.) I did some tricks for him and walked on. I played 2 bux worth of Pinball in an hour. Played Junkyard, Whodunit & Southpark - thinking all the while about how much I miss Creature From the Black Lagoon & Dracula & the Addams Family. I sucked pretty hard, although I did win 2 free games on Junkyard. On by skill and one by match.

When my quarters were gone & it was time to go home I pulled out the yo-yo only to discover it only to discover it was tangled. I pulled it apart & fiddled with the sting until it came untangled, but then the string broke. I had to improvise by guessing how to put the new string on & was proud of my seeming success walking down the street all cocky and upright. There was a cute punkrock boy (chain walled & everything) leaning against a building as I walked by. I figured I'd capture his heart by performing miraculous feats of yo-yo dexterity. I did around-the-world and *pop* the string came loose & the newly liberated yo-yo flew arcing through the air, landed in the gutter & rolled several feet between two bicycles & under a car before it laid itself to rest in front of my car.

Punk rock boy & I looked at each other and said, simultaneously "Well, that was a neat trick." I picked up the yo-yo, hopped in the car and, since proper punctuation had been added to the evening, drove home.

6/16/1999 12:07 AM
Feeling bad because so many computer problems...I busied myself teaching m all my favorite swears. m held fast though. He knew it was the computer I was venting at - not him. He busied himself with cooking mushrooms and onions crafted from Play-Doh and saying stuff like "Empty is full is empty is full."

R- called this evening right before I was to step out to the gym. Good old sweet R. He's going to see about picking me up from the train station and driving me to my mom's house next week. Says he has a pickup truck now. He sounds sweet and kind and disillusioned but still like my Friend and I love him dearly. It will be good to see him when I get to town & for him to be the first that I see & to spend time with him alone with m seems nice. Yes. My longtime friend. Twelve years. Almost half my life I have known R. Sweet heart of hearts. I am curious about his problems w/J, but do not want to pry. I'm sure we will have lots to talk about.

Ugh. It is late & I am to be at work early tomorrow. I would shower now, but will need the pick-me-up in the AM. Must sleep.

6/16/1999 9 AM - Taco Cabana, San Antonio
Thinking of D after side one of Social Distortion's Prison Bound left me in tears - the kind that stream down my face. I'm not missing him like I want him back in my life teh way he was long, long ago. Just missing his sillysweetsarcastic self and feeling complete and total heart and soul love for him - feeling somewhat insane that I don't know where he is. all these years I have always known exactly how to get in touch with him.

FOR CHICAGO -
What I NEED & Where to pack it
bandana
sm. pkg diapers (my backpack, front pocket)
Wipes("")
waterless soap("")

FOOD:
water bottle (fit in canteen)
juice boxes/rice dream/soy boxes
granola
just veggies
dried fruit
chocolate
crackers

CLOTHES:
me:
7 pr. underwear
3 pr. socks
new pants
3-4 t-shirts
sweats
wedding outfit
bike shorts

m:
wedding outfit
4 pr. socks
7 shorts & 7 shirts
hat/jacket

BRING:
Duffel Bag
Kelty
Sesame street backpack
my backpack
carseat

OTHER STUFF:
toiletries
book for me
tapes.

6/18/1999 4:30 PM Austin Kitchen
Gathering things for my journey I get a letter from my father ex-communicating me. I'm tired of the whole charade & how he feels he needs to get one last dig in. For once in my life, I'm going to refrain from trying to get the last word. I'll just let it slide. I do, however, need to get info on how to contact grandma. It'd be nice for m to know at least one member of the Duro clan & it's cool that his great grandma is still around. It's one of the many things I will need to do before I leave for Chicago.

6/20/1999 5:25 PM Austin Living Rooom
The Moral of the Story: It's Neat. You're not going to know devil devil heavy banging floor aneuryism oh yeah door weak world asking door lover man.

Glance askance this is the thing the deal is this and deadlocked on a horizon untainted everything murder low low. Pray for this prey on this dread pyre dread lover lips locked locked askance glance do dreadful living with this crawling. Bleak blinking a flash a flurry and

Nothing.

Crawling longer lame sick holding an atrophied in his hand silent in the corner a spy surveilling. A silent stranger scoping from sinister shadows - scoping sex in a sensual light - seeking scented sickness - scraping @ the still behind w/twisted claw hands but eyes are scoping scoping waiting scoping waiting.

Is this devil or angel and how to know? Something doesn't sit well in this scenario. Something evil resides here in this space of knowing too much and not enough too much not enough too too too much and not not never enough.

Feigned innocence or intentional ignorance. Searched special days out of place morning. Brought head around into confused stay. Eyes doubled tripled quadrupled you

out of focus in a nutshell fly-eye multiplying the image 4, 8, 16, 32, 64....

Deception broken pay in a tear-filled rendition of same. From beginning to end I am brimming I am brimming I am

Spilling forth foreward into retro babble sinister. Can it continue in heroic licentiousness? Can it continue onward over everlasting. Numb to this. Dread a dopamine highway and forever sleep sleep sleep fly sleep.

6/22/1999 10:30 in Amtrak Sleeper Car
m is listening to Sesame Street ont he headset & looking at pictures with the Viewmaster. Our porter's name is Charlie & he brought m a Tootsie Pop. He seems expansive and nice. A 6-year old boy stares into the window. His mom snips "Jeffrey" & Jeffrey says "What?" The train rolls from side to side. We approach storm clouds. It has been raining, so it is verdant contrast. My favorite kind of scenery.

m says "there's some DINOSAURS! See them?" He's looking at the dinosaur reel on the ViewMaster. He's talking loud because he has the headset on. I feel comfortable. Like maybe I might need to beg borrow steal an upgrade to 1st class for the way home, too.

Rains outside - Streams of water spattering diagonally against the window. I didn't get to kiss L goodbye. It was really sudden. Mr. Polyamory asked me where my room was. Maybe I'll get inducted.

To explain:
There was what appeared to be a polyamorous couple (?) (trio!) in the waiting area before we boarded. We ran into them when m gave his ViewMaster to their son. I had given m the toy to distract him & he proceeded to waltz up to the 1st available child and said "Here!" to which the child responded "Look, mom, look dad, look what that boy gave me!" Of course, I was right there saying "ummmmm...you can look at that...er..." Dad gave it back, saying "I wouldn't want him to forget to give it back." I felt like shit for being so possessive when m was being generous, but it's one of our only forms of entertainment on this journey.

Anyway, the family consisted of one man, who looked fairly average by my standards (how come polyamorous men are never drop-dead gorgeous or studly looking?) and two women. One plump, attractively wholesome looking woman with a beautiful plump daughter and two plump, wholesome looking sons. The other wife was equally wholesome and visibly pregnant. Her son was the one to whom m proffered the ViewMaster. She had another son who was perhaps 18 months or maybe younger. The other woman's children were aged around 14/8 (boys) and 10 or 11 (girl). the females were all wearing simple dresses and kerchiefs on their heads. The boys were wearing collared shirts and khaki pants and looked scrubbed.

[freight congestion in Taylor - I rearrange the barrettes in my hair, m is still playing with the ViewMaster. I have no watch & no way of knowing what time it is. The schedule says the train stops in Taylor @ 11:17. I'm thinking of going to the cafe car to get a soda.

My hand is tired from writing, but I don't want to stop, but I will anyway.

2:30 PM Sleeper Car.
Had lunch w/pregnant woman from Dallas and her 16-month old son, Jaylen. She was young. Really young. Unmarried. Says she goes to school in San Antonio & her mother takes care of the baby & her baby's father lives in Dallas. Jaylen was sniffling/sneezing/coughing & not having a very good time of things. At one point, after m had spilled his apple juice, a catastrophe which required the clean up capabilities of all of our napkins plus those of the table adjacent to us, Jaylen, w/a mouthful of ochre colored baby food, let loose a sneeze that sent streamers of the colored globules flying. He was a mess & of course

[Conversation from observation car:"Look, m, horses!"
"I don't see horses! I see elephants! I see elephants now! I see lots and lots of animals and cows and horses and elephants and giraffes!"]

there were no napkins with which to sop. So I removed the bandana from around m's neck & offered it to her. She was grateful - cleaned him up & left the bandana in a crumpled heap next to the window.

We talked about how she hates to spank her son, but her girlfriends are always saying "hit him! Hit him!" She says she reserves spanking for the really major offenses like touching a hot iron or something dangerous. I listened & nodded.

[m is dissecting his sandwich, layer by layer, getting gooey peanut butter all over himself]

She left after eating her grilled cheese sandwich. I wasn't sure if she was supposed to pay, so I left 5 dollars on the table just in case. I figured it could be a good tip if she had already paid. The porter came to my room to ask me what the money was for & I told him it was a tip & he said she hadn't paid & I, knowing that she was tired & probably napping by now, just said "don't bother her - just consider that a payment for her meal. Now I feel weird about my lack of tip. I suppose I can always tip them later.

[Pause to clean peanut butter off of m's shirt, face, pants, and all non-porous surfaces in cabin. Remove m's shirt & pants, shoes & socks, recline seat, get blanket off of bed, dig binky out of backpack, dip in ice water, stick in m's mouth, clean up cabin and rearrange stuff for comfort and attach m to walkman for enjoyment of Sesame Street tunes. Somewhere in the midst of which, m broke down crying & I comforted him with "It's OK, baby you didn't do anything bad or wrong. Peanut butter is just messy." or some such motherly sentiment.]

[Now he is looking @ his I Spy book. There is sticky grape jelly EVERYWHERE (no more pb&j sandwiches on THIS trip) I'm trying to do damage control with my bandana (thank Goodness I thought to bring bandanas. Actually, thank Jeanne, as I remembered she always had one handy.) I have grap jelly on my overalls, even. m looks sleepy, but content. He looks like a big boy holding his book all curled up under the covers. And the world goes racing by outside the window.]

The polyamorous couple sat at the table adjacent to us at lunch. They spoke loudly. Their son asked if they were going to a wedding & they loudly proclaimed that they were already married & have been for 8 years. When m spilled his juice & we were cleaning up, their older son said "He's cleaning up - he's a good boy." and the mom said "Yes, he's taking responsibility for his spill, he's not depending on someone else to clean up for him." She's the one who loaned me the extra napkins. They seem like nice people. They said a prayer before they ate.

I feel very foreign - like I am a "normal" person traveling incognito among all of these others with interesting lives. My lunch guest asked me if I was going to school in Chicago. I think she assumed I was also young & unmarried.

A man @ the station said he thought I was dressed smart for the journey. Said it was "jumpgear." I am wearing huge dickies overalls & boots & I am comfortable. He started telling all of these stories about his travels...I'll try to write more about that later.

6/22/1999 5:45 PM Upper Bunk - Amtrak sleeper car - somewhere outside of Dallas
They threatened a 2-hour delay in Fort Worth because of a gas leak, but apparently didn't need to delay that long and we are cruising. I made a dinner reservation for 7 PM, but there's nothing we can eat, so I'm probably going to stay in the sleeper and eat falafel with m.

The polyamorous wife told me that m seemed like a very good baby & she said he was cute. We took a walk to the lounge car to look out the windows for awhile. I've eaten 2 of L's cookies to no effect. m has played with all of his toys. He likes the ViewMaster and the magnetic train set best.

approx 6:30 sleeper car upper bunk
m is playing with his One Fish Two Fish cards in the lower bunk. We pretended to set the timer. The day has actually gone by rapidly. m has been very sweet, but was obviously in need of exercise for a few hours around dinnertime as he was very antsy and loud.

We rode it out & now it seems that he might settle into a nice sleep. I'm wondering if I should turn off the light and just let him sleep - perhaps sit somewhere outside. Dunno how well that would go over. I am not sleepy. Not entirely. I feel restless - in need of some exercise. My knees ache from so much sitting.

Had dinner with a teacher from Ft. Worth & her daughter. m was restless and would not eat. The teacher & her daughter are going to visit relatives in Joliet. The daughter was intrigued by the idea of sleeper cars. Apparently they too were offered the $150 upgrade deal. I wonder if I will get the same offer on the way back. I wonder - am still not sure if it's worth it. It is nice to have a bed & a private room, but would coach offer more distraction/fun for m? Either way, there is the tourist lounge and all other amenities. Not sure. I'll wait until I get back from MN to decide.

It's strange that ALL of the porters and service people on the train are people of color. Awkward to be waited on with the knowledge of history (and present inequalities) nagging at my psyche.

9 PM Upper Bunk
found a more discreet light - am not looking down on m for fear of alerting him to my wakefulness. Listening to Dead Kennedys and approaching a stop. m wanted to sit on my lap and play I Spy for a bit. I know he is awake down there, but I don't want to look.

I looked. He wanted to hear Sesame Street, so I gave him the cassette player. Then I found his binky and he lay down & told me to get out. I said I was going upstairs to the top bunk & he said "Yes - go upstairs." I dunno if he's asleep & I don't want to check again.

I started to drift off for a bit awhile ago with the image of me and L sleeping all over each other.

There are two inconsiderate, obnocious kids in the cabin down the hall. They are really trying the porter's patience. Earlier today, during our nap, they were opening and closing their door over and over. Their parents were right across the hall & I didn't even hear them point out that they might be disturbing people. And I thought I was permissive. They seem old enough to know better, too.

Television, McDonalds, and The Anti-Christ: a punk parenting primer
My son, m, has been a vegetariand his entire life, and a vegan from the time he was 18 months old. We watch very little network TV & religion is not a subject we have chosen to delve into @ this point. I made a vow when he was born that I would NEVER use a high chair or a booster seat @ a fast food restaurant. It just seems wrong. In the first place, many many years of anti-McDonald's propaganda has been successful in completely brainwashing me to avoid it at all costs (not that there's actually anything there I can eat) and secondly, it just seems wrong to give fast food to a child (although he does, on occasion, eat Taco Bell. OK, OK - they are evil too - but they are also close by and amenable to our diet. I still, however, refuse to "eat in")

At any rate, imagine my surprise when, one fine day m responded to my query of dinner suggestions with "eat Mcdonald's veggie burger?" Mind you, being the over-protective parents that we are, m has never stepped foot in a daycare & is only ever away from a parental figure during my tri-weekly 2 hour stints at the gym (where he stays in the onsite daycare facility that is supervised by a friend of mine) and every once in a plaid moon when L & I are actually able to find someone who is willing to babysit (we do, after all, live in Austin - a town where people are NEVER home, are ALWAYS out on the town yet NEVER seem to accomplish anything in their manic frenzy to "make the scene")

So, the request for McDonald's was uttered, and my jaw dropped w/no less flabbergastmentation than it would have had I been a fundamentalist Christian & m had uttered a desire to do the cha cha with the devil himself (or Tinky Winky). I glared at my meat-eating husband and began firing questions at my as-yet-unaware-of-his-heinous-fuax-pa son "WHO fed you a McDonald's veggie burger?" I queried (knowing full well such an animal does not exist & understanding that, had someone actually fed him something that to him was a veggie burger, it meant he had been fed a hamburger. From McDonald's, no less! Isn't that grounds for lifetime expulsion from the ranks of even the lowest eschelons of the cult of the sacred cow?) More questions ensued "When have you been to McDonald's?" "Do you know what McDonald's is?" "WHO FED YOU A VEGGIE BURGER AT MCDONALD'S?!!" Thankfully, my husband (who I often refer to as a self-hating meat-eater as his excuse for eating meat is a desire to die young) piped in "m, even *I* don't eat at Mcdonald's." Bless his cholesterol-laden heart.

Of course, m sat in bored, perplexed silence through this whole freak out session. And we never did learn if he had, in fact, eaten a McDonald's veggie burger.

6/23/1999 Dunno what time - lower bunk
m sleeps & the world rushes by. I'm becoming concerned that I will not be able to call R & inform him that we are running late...BECAUSE we are running late. We are supposed to have an hour in St. Louis, but I fear that hour will be used to make up for lost time. I awoke this morning to someone's voice telling someone we are, in fact, two hours behind.

Just talked to Charlie, who says there should be time to make a phone call in St. Louis. m is sleeping cutely. He took his socks off after I went to bed & threw them on the floor. m asleep and m playing "Ruby My Dear." The train slows.

The train slows there are trees and more trees and seemingly strategically placed fistfulls of large white flowers along the fringe of the forest. We pull away the trees seem to retreat and we enter a freightyard of steel girders and abandoned cars, then a small town w/strange juxtaposition of lg. Victorian houses & trailers & smaller houses then suddenly up springs the forest & a graveyard w/ sparse headstones. More more houses & abandoned construction sites - open fields, churches and dilapidated farm equipment. Flowers grow in the strangest places. Bags of aluminum cans lean against the side of a trailer house. & forever these wires strung from pole to pole to connect one sleepy town to another. Even aluminum can collectors have telephones.

Junkyard in foreground, forested hills behind. The Ozarks?

I feel great. Like the world is unfolding itself before me and m and L. Beckoning. Reminding me that everything is always, interminably OK. We sat at the depot in Austin & plotted our next year's journey. Train to LA - train to Seattle, cruise to Alaska. Perhaps then train across Canada to Chicago, down & back to Texas. I will save my vacation time. Sounds incredible. m stirs & opens his eyes. Rolls over - eyes still open - looks @ door, wiggles his toes.

"It's you & me & we've got it made."

6/23/1999 after breakfast - 8:00 or so. Sleeper car.
Dark forested patch clears blindingly to reveal some strange mining operation with rickey metal buildings, trucks carrying gravel and ladders latticing everywhere. Ending with two tunnels extending below/beneath/into a hill in front are 3 flags (US, MO & god knows) is this a military operation? Mining? Ecological building site? Have we arrived in St. Louis? Suddenly there seems to be city surrounding. m plays w/magnetic trains. The flowers here are orange, not white. I search for signs of where we are "Phi's Tire Shop" a yard of school buses. St. Louis, MO.

6/23/1999 Somewhere near Joliet 2:45 PM Sleeper Car
m naps. He's so sweet. He got all hyper & i started to get nervous that he would not get a nap in. Finally I told him he NEEDED to lay down with his binky & get some sleep & he did.

Earlier in the lounge car I got some cranberry juice for him (he didn't like it.) He was just sitting there and out of the blue proclaimed "I love Charlie. He talks to me. He my buddy. He talk to mommy." I told Charlie about it and he laughed a gut laugh and said "I love you too, m. You ARE my budd." It was cute. m has been generous and kind to just about everyone he's encountered on this trip, including me. I'm very proud of his behavior. He's my little travel buddy.

I do think I want to try to get a sleeper for the way back, too. There are just little things that are simpler. Accessibility to bags, ability to play music. Peace of mind that no one's going to rifle through my stuff. Going to the bathroom might be a logistical nightmare in coach. Here it's two doors down & I don't feel weird about leaving m in the car. So I hope they will still offer the same deal. Probably had I not had one on the way up, I could deal without one on the way back. I'm afraid that m is spoiled too, though. He already specifically says "Want to go back to room" - What would I do if he asked that & we didn't have a room to go to? We'll see what I can arrange.

Swimming pools in backyards. A tiny bird and a large bird fly in unison. This seems to be a burgeoning community. Where are we? Joliet, IL - 1 hour left of this journey. It has gone so fast.

6/24/1999 2:00 PM - Arlington Heights Bedroom
Hung out with R yesterday - after a scare of him not being there @ the train station. We circled, searching for each other. I was pretty happy to see him esp. since I was beginning to think he'd gotten fed up and left. But it was GREAT hanging out with him. We went to the grocery store & talked & talked. He's still the same old befuddled r. He's starting to feel, though, like time is ticking away & in spite of all of the success he has with women, he still hasn't found Mrs. Right or whatever. Which is too bad because in spite of the fact that he's a bit wishy washy, he is an awesome person. I always enjoy hanging out with him & I just love him so much.

We had fun. We went out for pizza & I told him the sordid details of m's birth & he told me the sordid details of his relationship with um...what's her name? I can't remember! I'm sure it will come to me - oh yeah, J (I kept thinking M, but that was his last girlfriend) Then we came back to mom's house & went for a walk in the rain with m. I wanted to hold R's hand and probably should have, but didn't. He left @ about 10:30 or 11 or so & I called L, but he was asleep.

m's been an angel for the most part. He's napping now. I went out with K today, looking for shoes. We went for a walk to Jewel to get diapers & back. L rode his bicycle. He's a cute kid, but she's ALWAYS yelling at him and at M. I didn't see her treat either of them with any affection. I dunno. It's kind of sad. & then she snapped at m @ one point & I said "I would appreciate it if you would please use "please" and "thank you" when addressing my son." It was a small (minor) infraction on m's part, anyway. He was turning around on the bench & put his hand on the wall or something and she said in a clipped voice "DON'T. PUT. YOUR. HAND. ON. THE. WALL. TURN. AROUND. AND. SIT. DOWN." It's not like m knew any better - it was the first time anyone told him that was not acceptable behavior. Then she made some comment about how he didn't say please or thank you when she put some food on his plate & I said he gives respect when he gets respect or something like that.

ANYWAY. It's just weird to be exposed to such a drastically different parenting style. She just acts like the kids are a horrible burden & they're actually pretty good kids. M seems very interested in vegetarianism. He asked me all sorts of questions & I made him a vegan lunch (hummus sandwich, fake pepperone( & he really liked it. He's a great kid. He's a bit neurotic about his weight...but, hopefully that will turn out OK.

I feel dragged out & tired which, I guess, is normal for the first day off the train. Maybe...I think I might be allergic to the detergent I'm using or my patchouli because I get a recurring itchy rash on my chin.

There's so much more to write, but I'm tired...

6/25/1999 6:10 AM
Woke up early - thinking m would wake up early since he went to bed so early (he ASKED to be put to bed @ 8:30 PM...much like he ASKED to take a nap & he ASKED to be put "in fence" (which is his word for in the crib, an interesting interpretation for a child who had never slept in one prior to yesterday) in mid-afternoon. I think he's craving privacy to some extent, which is a good thing)

11:36 AM In Car outside of Wisconsin Dells
Talked to L this morning & it was nice Nice to talk to him. He seemed to understand about KS & why I still love her & why things happened the way they did.

So, last night, KS and I hung out & talked for hours. She came over & we went to Whole Foods to get salad fixings. We got lost on the way there & had to circle back around to find it because we went down Palatine Road instead of Rand. But we finally found it & got our stuff & headed back home to eat. m asked to be put to bed & KS & I went on a long walk. We talked about m and G and her autistic nephew and we walked for about a mile. We talked about her new man and about JP and about health & weight & child rearing. And we stopped & sat down @ Festival Park & we talked about the shit between us. I told her about my state of mind when she came to Austin. How L was drawing me out of my shell & getting me to feel Michael & the loss and how hurt & helpless I felt when she talked about suicide & I couldn't help her. She was hurt that I told her to go ahead and do it. And I didn't tell her htis, but it occurred to me that I thought she didn't care what I said at that point. She told me about issues of her childhood & she told me about her dual nervous breakdowns. I hope things are trule OK between us. It seems that they are, but I am not sure. I told her of the rough point in my marriage just past. I feel jealous that she gets to be around G. I miss G.

When she left I gave her a hug and told her I love her and told her that if she ever comes to Austin I promise we won't drive her crazy & we won't encourage her to kill herself. She said she didn't listen to a word I said anyway. And we both laughed.

It's strange, but the whole time we were walking, I wanted to hold her hand - just like I had wanted to hold R's hand.

Now we are on the way to Minnesota - we have about 3 hours left to travel. m is asleep in his car seat. We're blasting Tom Jones. Everything seems fairly OK. I think m is a natural at this traveling thing.

6/26/1999 11:07 White Bear Lake,MN Hotel Room
The wedding was nice & had a good time @ the reception. Mom is upset because me and K aren't more close like MA & JA. What can I tell her. I talked things over with mom. I tried to get Kina to talk today, but she wouldn't. She just continued to flash me dirty looks & completely ignore me & m. If it wasn't for mom, I would write her off entirely. Actually, mom and M, because I think M is a good kid. L is alright, but he's not old enough to be a good kid yet. All I know is that I'm tired of the snide remarks about m & the passive aggressive attitude towards me & m. I would rather m not have any family @ all than a family that treats him as an outsider. I hope that doesn't come back to haunt me later, but I sort of feel that way now becase how messed up does someone have to be to act petty and vindictive to a two year old?

SL and his wife, A were there. He looks exactly the same as he did on those lazy summer afternoons when we would play Mille Bournes. They (A, esp) said some really nice things to me. As they were leaving she said "You are an incredible woman." or something. Earlier she had mentioned that it was great to see that I had done so well w/my life. I asked her if they had been worried that I wouldn't & she said No...not really, but considering all that I went through, it was amazing. (I couldn't figure out "all that I went through!") She asked about my writing & seemed interested in what I was doing with oyster. It was just nice to get the feeling that someone sort of marked my progress. Strange concept. I didn't know anyone was watching while I grew up. While I lived. I wonder how many other people are. It almost made me feel hyper conscious of myself.

She even made me feel better about the situation with K. I brought up the wedding ceremony and how I took m out to the hallway & she said I didn't need to do that - that he wasn't bothering anyone (everyone seemed to think it was cute that he applauded after the romantic violin solo and said "Yay! Music!") and I said that I was tring to preserve family sanity because K was giving me dirty looks. She said "God, who DOESN'T she give dirty looks to? And that's after only 15 minutes of observation." I thanked her for that & later explained the problems we were having & she seemed dutifully albeit sincerely appalled. I guess I just had to vent. m ran around having fun. Apparently he hit Lukas a couple of times when I wasn't looking. Whatever. L hit him a couple of times, too. It just adds a convenient excuse for K to act like m is evil when he's really just being a two-year old. He has been watching everyone hit L this whole trip, so of course he thinks it's OK. But like Hell I can explain that to her. I saw K shove m away at one point when m stepped on L's foot. He didn't step hard, he just sort of tapped L's foot with his foot. And K shoved m back and lifted L up on the bench.

OK, here's the part I'm not going to say out loud, but I want to get out how I really feel. K is a horrible parent. She really is. She let L run all over the place and was not even watching him at any point & to any extent. She shows no interest in or affection for either of her kids unless they are hurt or it serves some sort of vindictive purpose. I really feel that she is mentally unbalanced. She's forever snapping at the kids and, again, I have to say that taking out her anger towards me on a two-year old child is more than a little messed up.

I talked with Mom for a long time about the way we are trying to raise m. She doesn't necessarily agree, but she listened & I think it makes sense to her to some degree. It made more sense to me as I explained & it felt good to communicate about it.

I, personally, have been really proud of m's behavior on this trip. He's been sweet in the car & fairly patient. He was somewhat obnoxious in the church, but he didn't ruin the ceremony or anything & he's had a couple of run-ins with L, but nothing major & no blood was drawn. L is very used to being a tattle-tale little brother & does'nt do a very good job of solving his own problems. Probably if m had hit him and L told him to knock it off, it would go a long way towards getting him to stop. I can't understand why no one sees that m is just imitating how others act towards L. It's even there in his speech. He says "L!" in that quick, pissed-off tone of K'd, and repeats just about all of the snappy comments that are directed to him. Ugh. Whatever. I've done a fairly good job of not reacting - I just have 6 more hours to go & then I don't necessarliy ever have to talk to K again. I'm actually kind of hoping she gets a ride back with F&D. Wouldn't that be a dream.

Anyway, I'm sure I'm leaving tons of stuff out - egrets on White Bear Lake, the multi-colored sunset (at 10 at night) over the lake, m's insistence on "dancing out loud," Mom's snoring, J's silly best man antics. Other than the constant K bullshit it's been a pretty fantastic time. One I hope m remembers fondly. We walked to the littel town they have here & had breakfast @ a cafe and m wanted to see the fountain so we sat in front of the fountain. Just sitting/staring for half an hour.

L called this morning and said some beautiful things about how we fit together. He is a wonderful - an incredible man. I am so happy and lucky to be sharing this strange adventure with him. m is lucky to have such a great father. I should write more about him - but am so tired...

6/27/1999 11:15 PM - Arlington Heights TV Room
Watching MTV. The journey is over none too soon. I am getting a semi-guilt trip from mom about the deal with K. Today @ Michael's house, m was running around outside yelling & M.A. did a "shhhh" and I got looks from both him and K, wondering what I was going to do. I did tell m to not yell at the dog, but when M.A. shooshed him later, I called bogus. I calmly told him that m was outside & he should be allowed/encouraged to yell, esp. since he was about to embark on a 6-hour journey. Is this so difficult to understand? Why is it an issue? They can all fuck off, as far as I'm concerned. Fat chance of me coming back here anytime soon. What the fuck else am I supposed to do? It's a bunch of bullshit. And then I get partially blamed for this bullshit with K. There is no way that I am to blame.

What I find hilarious & ironic is that K barely yelled @ L & M today. They were fairly loud, too...but she was more restrained. Of course, they are so used to being yelled at, they didn't respond to the more reserved approach. Whatever. I am bored with this topic. Honestly I don't care a bit whether I see her again on this trip. All she is doing is alienating her nephew. I have no control over how he feels about her, but by the end of the journey, he couldn't even remember her name. He kept trying to give her things & reach out to her, but she accepted his offerings with no response. She even tossed some flowers he gave her onto the ground! It was just so fucking immature. Blah!

Anyway, m did OK on the return journey. He sleeps now, although he wasn't as excited to go to sleep as he had been previously on this trip. We have one more night here after tonight and then one night on the train and then home.

Tomorrow I might go into the city to get some souvenirs - maybe meet r for lunch. Supposed to see grandma after 6. Was/had been planning to visit r after 6, but probably not now. Not sure still how I am going to get to train station. Waiting to hear from P & hoping she can help me out or something. I'm not too worried. As a last resort I can have mom drive me. I'm most concerned that I might not see G while I am here. I'm hoping he will be able to hang out with me on Tuesday. God, there is so little time.

Ugh. I am tired.

6/29/1999 1:00 AM Arlington Heights Bedroom
Shit I gotta do tomorrow:
Pack
Call grandma
Go to Whole Foods (get cookies/soymilk/juice)
Call K.S.
Call G.
Call R
Call Mrs. H.
Visit KC
Go to train station
Get shirt for m

Hung out with G. all afternoon & r all night. My stomach hurts from all of the laughter. G is so sweet. Earlier he was talking about how he can't meet a woman like me anywhere. I had grossed them both (g and r) out right after lunch when G mentioned his stretched out belly & I said "Wanna see me stretchmarks?" then "or, better yet...wanna see...oh, never mind. I can't say it. It's too gross! Even for you, G - it's too sick!" but they begged and pleaded for me to spit it out until finally I said "Ya wanna see my EPISIOTOMY scar?" and sure enough, G hung his head in disgust & both of them agreed that I had the #1 most disgusting pickup line. Ah, G. Ah, R.

And reminiscing with R. God, I love him. I love them both. So much. R...god. I remember we used to make out until my mouth hurt and would be sore for days. And it's amazing that we are still friends after all this time.

G. and I walked for miles. I have actually lost 5 pounds on this trip, which is incredible considering this is Chicago & I typically gain weight here. So much more to tell about my day, but exhaustion creeps in & there is much to do tomorrow.

6/29/1999 8:00 PM - upper bunk of sleeper
Sneezing. Today was grandma and P. Both were tiring even though both are very dear to me. Grandma seems so feeble, but it is difficult to believe because she looks the same as she always looked. When I kissed her goodbye, the skin on her neck was as smooth as m's. She gave me $20 for a toy for m & also a Teletubbies puzzle that m had been playing with. She is a sweet woman who seems to have no vindictive feelings towards me, although she did throw in a couple of subtle jabs about our lack of communication. m seemed nonplussed about the whole thing.

But I felt very rushed. I had wanted to see Mrs. H, and KC, but by the time I left grandma's, my allergies were acting up like mad and I was so tired all I could do was lay on the couch and watch TV. And wait for P

P arrived a bit later than I thought she would, after a couple of frantic phone calls describing all of the miniscule agenda items that were keeping her from leaving. Same old P.

She drove me into the city & we parked at the same parking lot r parked at. We managed to get everything in one trip. P was very intrigued with the idea of a McGreevy's reunion. She went on and on about how expensive it would be. It is strange how her brain works. She's always exploding things to outrageous proportion. She went on and on about how little time she has. Ah, P. She is so wonderful & smart & logical, but altogether insane and neurotic.

We talked r & she told me about her love affair with him that ended due to a phone outage that lasted 2 months. She said it was weird seeing him at my party the last time I was in town because, having never ended the relationship, technically they were still going out. Ah, P. I 'll have to delve a little deeper with R about this!

We talked about school & homeschool. It's amazing that at each of my "meetings" that I set up with people, I had something different to talk about. And w/each of these people - KS, R, G, P - it just felt like we were setting the needle down exactly in the next groove. It's pretty wonderful. It's very fulfilling to know that I can maintain these beautiful Friendships across this wide, wide gap of distance & time. I think it's amazing & rare.

But G was supposed to meet us at Union Station & I worry that since we were a bit late & I was held up in a line @ the ticket counter that maybe I missed him. I sincerely hope he didn't make it down to the train station only to be "stood up" by me. He wanted to see me off so he could see m. Oh, G. What a beautiful, wonderful person. I am so lucky to be blessed by the acquaintance of so many sweet souls.

I talked to L this morning about G & L agreed that he is a wonderful person. He said the thing about G is he has such an energetic spirit & he is not mean. Like truly not mean. I found it interesting that he picked up on that in the brief time he spent with G, but it really is true. It is invigorating and pure to be with him. He makes me laugh big gut laughs.

L said I should try to meet a young punkboy on the train & have a fling. Haha

6/30/1999 9 PM - sleeper car
The sun is setting outside this window (again) the train hits full throttle outside of Temple & it's wheels on the tracks build in rhythm after the initial beat that sounds like a shudder. I read the landscape like a book - eyes darting left to right - searching for theme or plot.

The sky is all orange, pink purple blue. We are late again and I hope L will be there. Too dark to write I want to eat the view a bit more.

7/1/1999 1:30 PM Northcross Mall, Austin, TX
Wilting walk through summer stench. Swam through streets to end up here in this surreal setting. Ice skaters in background & front of me a surly man operates a train that takes children for a ride around and around an 18x4 foot oval over and over around and around for 5 dollars.

I'm waiting for movie time. Tomorrow will be the last day of my vacation. I feel good, rested, but disorganized. There is MUCH I need to do. Must get finances in order & clean up office clean OUT office. Just put everything that is not an immediate necessity into storage boxes to be sorted & labeled later.

Watching skaters now. This is probably as fun as being on the ice. Seems like a pretty cool way to spend the summer though.

"Flowers growing
By the drunken river
Flowers growing
By the burnind bridges
Flowers growing
Out of my bones."
-Camper Van Beethoven

I am here for a purpose & that purpose is to see Austin Powers The Spy Who Shagged Me. Getting reacquainted with Austin. Missing Chicago, but enjoying being by myself for a bit. Am glad that I got to replenish my ego a bit. I DO reach people. And there ARE people who get it. Got wonderful letter from M.K. He has become a survivor of grief as well with the death of his fiance 2.5 years ago. I am so happy that he is still out there and still FEELING. He said so many good things & he is thinking about embarking on a new publishing venture. In addition is attempting to complete the book he begain writing with his soulmate before she died. I will do whatever I can to help him.

And then my mom calls this AM & tells me that MB called her looking for me. She gave her my phone number. I said "Great! I've been looking for her!" & she said "She says she's been looking for you. She lives in TN & she's married & has a baby." Mom gave her my number but did not get her number for me. I am psyched to hear from her.

7/1/1999 6:15 PM Flightpath
Everyone seems to think I care, so maybe I really do. The movie was mediocre, but the walk was incredible. Am I me to be you are? This is stultifying in its amazement of self. Whoa. Here I am with no fires to fight nothing to be but free, free me. Nowhere to go but radiate outward into this wide chasm world. Rebound into a philisophical blitz of everything that fails to be intangible.

Stories behind this severance that I can't begin to. And nothing equipms a ride insufficient to nocturne inturn. Bliss is everlasting and enjoy this joy this shock of discovery this sudden instant detonation dwelling in secret savagery.

Sense to be scented & incense. Draw angry lines fading off into this destination. Filling in foxholes what mud & blood by hook or by crook a fascination in sensational irony.

Can a scar heal itself though mourning? Attribute this endlessness to psychotic visions and near-embolic sustained impact. A virgin bride of bucolic proportions. Over and over you dread you dread you always come out ahead. Don't you?

My Job is a Movement

June 15, 2002

Those are the words I wrote in my notebook as I listened to a panel discussion about community access and policy here at CTCNet. And those are the exact words that were later spoken by a prominent activist for Community Technology Centers.

Much more forthcoming about what I feel is a very important movement. A movement that provides communities with access not only to the physical technological equipment, but also provides communities with the tools to utilize this equipment for whatever purpose they deem worthy and empowering. I have so much to say about this after only 2 brief days here among my peers from all corners of the US.

One thing that HASN'T been discussed is the alienating content which already exists on the internet. There is at least one organization that is directly taking on the issues of content as it relates to meaningful information, with the idea that if underserved communities have access to culturally relevant information, the members of those communities will use the technology more fervently. However, there is little said about the very huge volume of culturally biased/culturally exclusionary...damnit, just plain racist material out there that could serve to drive a wedge between those who "always have" and those who are "finally getting."

I'm going to have to revisit this topic when I've had more time to digest it. Right now, I'm digesting a very tasty lunch! I went totally out of character and sat at a table where I knew no one and actually talked with people. It was a great meal shared with inspiring people (the woman who sat next to me is in charge of 6 CTCs in Wilmington, DE - which to me is just an amazing number for such a small city)...I skipped out during the awards ceremony to get my internet fix here in the lab that has been set up so the jonesing nerds don't get too cranky.

I will be here until 5 or 6. I am really really enjoying myself. In fact, today I learned that the next conference is in Washington, DC...and I'm already plotting strategies on how I'm going to get there.

Roly Goes Exploring by: Philip Newth

June 15, 2002

No Image Available (I have neither scanner nor digital camera right now...and I can't find an image to swipe...)

What a cool book. It's in braille and print English, and it's loaded with tactile fun! I would love to see more books like this...

I Spy by: Jean Marzollo and Walter Wick (Illustrator)

June 14, 2002

I read this with c for the first time this morning and was amazed that he could actually point to some of the objects we were "spy"ing for. This is a board book version of the I Spy series and is much easier than the full-sized version.

Tagging the Dog?

June 14, 2002

L has decided that it's really funny to graffiti the dog with the orange hairspray that we have left over from some Halloween long ago. It started off with just a random splotch...and then there were the racing stripes...and last night I came home to find that her name and our phone number were emblazoned on her sides (he actually used stencils!) and a dollar sign on her forehead.

This is all well and good until the dog decides to take herself for a walk through the neighborhood and get's "rescued" by a well-meaning neighbor. The first thing out of my mouth when I responded to the companion animal rescue message was "It's not spray paint...it's just hair spray." Thankfully the rescue lady had a sense of humor about it...

I swear to fucking Maude, from now on if L insists on defacing the dog, he is going to have to be the one who retrieves her when she gets out.

My Mom...

June 14, 2002

So, my mom is now apparently on a mission to get me to come out to Chicago for a family reunion of sorts. Her message yesterday was nice enough...a simple "are you ready to talk to me yet?" which I pondered over all day.

Today she is showing her impatience with me. Her message was more like "Are you ready to talk about whatever it is that is upsetting you."

Which pretty much convinces me that I am not, in fact, ready. Because if she doesn't fucking know "whatever it is that is upsetting" me...then she is still fucking living in denial-land, where all of our family members get along and no one has ever acted inappropriately towards anyone else.

I have to say, though, that even if I did decide to talk to her, the last thing in the freaking world I would want to do is attend a family reunion on her turf. Or, more specifically, on my bitchy sister's turf. I've had enough. After reading through the journal that I'm currently transcribing for your reading pleasure, I am convinced that I no longer want to have anything at all to do with my sister unless she undergoes some sort of major transformation. Even if my mother and I manage to make amends...it will have to be under the condition that I am not expected to waste any more energy on her. I just don't want to expose myself to her bullshit anyfuckingmore.

ladies and gentlemen...

June 14, 2002

I am currently posting FROM THE COMFORT OF MY OWN HOME. Granted, I'm using a crappy loaner UMAX laptop...but I'm at home. yay!

I'm starting to think that my motherboard on my new computer is going to be completely incompatible with Linux, considering it has been incompatible with every version of Windows we have tried thus far. It seems to only want to communicate with Windows Me, 2000, or xp. Ugh.

This is cute

June 14, 2002

Bubble Bees...if my computer was working, I would play it all day!

Link courtesy of Cecily

In June of 1999...

June 13, 2002

I was preparing for and embarking on a train trip to Chicago with m that would, ultimately, lead to the demise of my relationship with my sister, and would eventually cause the rift that now exists between my mother and me.

I'll be transcribing the journals from that time as soon as I am able...

360 degrees of bullshit

June 13, 2002

In an effort to actually provide its employees with feedback, the non-profit I work for decided to use 360 degree evaluations as the basis for our performance appraisals. Yahoo. What better way to promote teamwork in an organization than give co-workers the opportunity to hide behind anonymity and "rate" their fellow co-workers.

In a unified front of rebelliousness, 2 of my co-workers and I decided that we weren't going to write written explanations of our ratings, and would just circle the numbers. This seemed like a suitable compromise. I think we pretty much all scored each other fairly high and scored our uber boss very low.

Here's the clincher...who is it that we hand this feedback in to? None other than our uber boss. How very...anonymous! Particularly since when I went to put mine into her mailbox yesterday she was SITTING RIGHT THERE. And there was nothing else in her inbox. She tried to pretend that she didn't see me, but I know she did, so I obnoxiously walked up to her and said "Hi H!" before I walked out.

Niiiiiice. I also found out that she had removed the other surveys that had arrived in her inbox prior to mine. So, great. It's obvious she's really interested in preserving the "integrity" of the process. Now I'm just waiting to see how she rated me. I wonder if she wrote up my performance appraisal before or after she looked at my survey? HmmmMMmmMM...

An announcement

June 13, 2002

It is really honest-to-maude no fun at all to have sunscreen in your eye.

Learning Lessons

June 12, 2002

I don't know if anyone else is like me, but I usually get royally pissed off at people when they display the same characteristics that I hate about myself. I'm finally starting to realize this and really pay attention to why I'm angry with someone so that I can learn a lesson for myself. It doesn't always make me less angry with the person who pissed me off in the first place, but at least it makes me a (hopefully) better person in the long run.

One of the things I have learned from this way of looking at things is that I need to work on defending people rather than ideas or thoughts. I have recently had some problems with friends (not to mention family) because they have staunchly defended opinions or a thoughts over my feelings or reality. I've also seen this enacted over the past week in the blog of someone I really respect and admire. She had a problem with offensive racist overtones in a passage in a book, and someone continually tried to justify that passage and that book. Why do we do this, as people?

The book I'm currently reading (Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles) talks about how some people are feelers and some people are thinkers (the old myers-briggs stuff) and thinkers will crusade in the name of fairness and following the rules whereas thinkers are more likely to bend the rules to avoid hurt feelings. I think I land squarely in the middle, but close enough to one or the other side at any given time to learn a lesson.

I think a lot of this arguing of semantics and intention is what causes rifts between classes of people. Anyone who is even tangentially involved in any sort of anti-oppression movement has to put people before ideas. I might not understand why someone feels the way they do. I might have evidence which in my mind supports why they should NOT feel that way. But what it boils down to is that another person's set of experiences and realities are probably drastically different from mine and that needs to be respected for real progress to occur.

With my internal and external observances of this issue as my guide, I think it's an important priority to set for myself. I must make sure I am always defending people before ideas. Or - even better - that my ideology is firmly anchored in the desire to ensure the freedom and safety of people.

Take the children swimming. Take them swimming

June 12, 2002

The boys and I went swimming today for the first time this year. We have a free public pool at the park across the street from us, so it's sorta like having a pool in our backyard only a lot of strangers come and swim there. OK, so it's nothing at all like having a pool in our backyard, but it's close, and it's free, and it's awesome to go there when the temperatures are in the high 90's like today.

As if I needed further illustration of how different m and c are from each other! m, ever the cautious boy, is well able to stand with his head above water on the shallow end of the pool. Yet still he insists that I hold him and carry him around. He refuses to put his face in the water and I'm secretly worried he will never learn to swim (why this is a concern at all while we are landlocked in the middle of freaking Texas is a very good question that I'm afraid I cannot answer.)

c...oh, c. My little daredevil. He nearly jumped from my arms on the deep end of the pool while I was desperately trying to hang on to both boys in one of our "across the pool and back" expeditions. He loves leaping from the edge of the pool into my arms (if I put him up out of the water, he immediately says "one, tooooooo, freeeeeee" and jumps in) and does not seem to mind terribly much if I accidentally dip his face in the water.

It's weird, because m used to be absolutely fearless in the water, too. I think he was about the same age as c, maybe a little younger, the year after we moved into our house. I could literally dunk him, full body, in the water with me...go completely under...and he would come up giggling and asking for more. We spent an entire summer like this and even took swimming lessons where the instructor was absolutely amazed by m's fearlessness and ease in the water. And then the next year came and m would not step foot anywhere NEAR the pool. If I asked him to come swimming with me, he would say "NO! It's DANGEROUS!"

Ever since then, I've been slowly trying to help him regain a sense of safety in the water. I don't know if that is a natural developmental thing or not, but I've secretly always felt guilty that I somehow traumatized him at some point. Although in general m is an abnormally cautious child...so, I don't know.

So I spent much of our pool expedition today reassuring m that I won't let him drown and I won't let bad things happen to him and if he happens to go under for any length of time, I am right here and I will help him find the surface. All the while trying to restrain the wiggling c and prevent him from submerging himself entirely.

*sigh*

I'm not sure how I feel about Body Shop

June 11, 2002

But I love this poster!

The Vegan Pantry

June 11, 2002

Need help grocery shopping? Click here

The Vegan Pantry (This is for Scratchmittens.)

June 11, 2002

After years and years of shopping roulette - basically going to the store with empty cupboards and an empty stomach, and ending the week with a fridge full of moldy crap - I have slowly been refining my shopping skills. L has helped me by imparting wisdom from his years of working as a prep cook. For instance, did you know that square containers are better because they waste less fridge space? Plus I've picked up a thing or two by lurking around the food/nutrition forums at various bulletin boards. My best find in that realm has been the art of keeping cilantro fresh by storing them cut flower style in a cup of water. I've actually been able to keep cilantro in the fridge for at least a week this way and, since I love to flavor things with this fresh and fabbo herb, it's a very nice treat!

L's other main contribution as my grocery goddess mentor (ok, so he's a god) has been THE LIST. Early last year, when I first cut myself loose from the corporate world, L compiled a list for me of all of the staple food items that we need to replenish on a weekly basis. From this list, he told me (and I scoffed, not believing him) we would be able to throw together any number of tasty and nutritious meals.

Well, I was dubious at first, but after having worked with this list for almost 2 years now, with a few minor adjustments...I'm a convert.

Keep in mind that food is our greatest expense aside from mortgage. I could very well be spending more money on groceries than you are. However, most of what we buy is organic and we very rarely have rotting veggies and leftovers in our fridge at the end of the week.

Below is my master list, as well as a couple of recipe ideas for things that can be easily made with the ingredients on the list. I try to make sure that I am stocked with all of the items on this list at all times to ensure we always something make-able in the house. Obviously, to "stock up" you will need to outlay some cash...but keep in mind that you don't run out of everything on the list at the same time, so you won't have to buy everything each shopping trip. If I am faithful to the list, I should be spending 80 dollars or less on groceries every 10 days. This does not include dog and cat food, but it does include natural cleaning products (like vinegar, baking soda, and essence oil).

Let me know what you think!

Bulk Items:
Nutritional Yeast
Whole Wheat Flour
Special Bread Flour
Flax Seeds
Rolled Oats
Dried Black Beans
Dried Pinto Beans
Rice
Cous Cous
Various Styles of Pasta
Sucanat
Popcorn
Various Nuts and Seeds
Peanut Butter
Tahini
Textured Vegetable Protein
Falafel Mix
Active Dry Yeast

Canned/non-perishable Goods:
Corn
Garbanzos
Tomatoes
Vegetable Oil
Soymilk
Graham Crackers

Perishable Goods:
Tofu
Tortillas (I need to start making these from scratch!)

Produce:
Potatoes
Onions
Garlic
Cilantro
Various In-Season Organic Fresh Fruit
Various In-Season Organic Fresh Veggies

Herbs, Spices, and Sauces
Salt
Cumin
Oregano
Black Pepper
Herbamare
Cayenne
Soy Sauce
Ketchup
Mustard
(I grow rosemary, basil, and sage)

Recipe Ideas (these are not the recipes themselves, but I have posted the recipes for many of these already)
Homefries with beans on tortillas (or, if you are feeling rich, you can get some of that Gimme Lean fake sausage)
Oatmeal
Granola
Apple slices (fruit/vegetable slices) with peanut butter
Pancakes

Lunch & Dinner
Fake Mac & Cheese
Hummus
Falafel
Pasta and Sauce
Baked Potatoes with Broccoli (or other veggies) and "Cheese"
Tofu Patty Sandwiches
Cous Cous & Veggies with Beans
Pasta Salad (in all shapes and forms)
The Inimitable Rice and Beans

...the possibilities are endless...enjoy!

c Retorts

June 11, 2002

MoooooooOOOOoo! MooooOOOooo! Toe. Moo. Mmmm

Moi-gi-da.

Da da da da da da da da

d-dd-ddd-da

da-waaaa

Mommy - o - wa

Bye bye

E-weeeeeeeeeee

BYE BYE!

m's Blog

June 11, 2002

Dear Mom,

I really really REALLY REALLY love my mommy, and I give her a lot of hugs (aww), and I sometimes blow her a lot of kisses, and I'll always really really REALLY REALLY love her.

Love,
m

m and c Update

June 11, 2002

m read to me last night at story time. He's such an expressive reader. I wonder if we should do more acting with the feltboard and puppets. He actually wrote a puppet show (he dictated and I wrote it out) and we made all of the scenes and puppets for it, but never actually acted it out because we couldn't figure out how to make the stage...

Anyway, when he reads, it's actually INTERESTING and captivating to hear him. I love it! Whenever he sees an exclamation point, he YELLS that sentence. And everything else he reads is completely animated with varying inflection. It's amazing. Do I read that way to him? Is that where he picked it up?

cy is now able to count to 10. He skips the number 9, but today he stopped skipping 7, so I'm sure he'll learn soon. He counts constantly, so I have it pretty easy in terms of "teaching" him. My boys are both unschoolers all the way, man. It's so cool. c also is currently going through the parrot phase of speech development. He will attempt to repeat every word I say. Some newer words in his vocabulary include:

Mine
Crayon (it sounds like "tan")
m (said with HARD K)
Dog
Cow
Drum
Window
Ow...hurt
here you go
and many others I cannot recall.

and, of course, m's vocabulary is expanding every day. He can now pronounce a few words he had trouble with (like CHILDREN, which he used to pronounce ChiR-dren). We're starting to work a little on his lisp. Nothing militant or anything, but I've started to try and help him with where his tongue goes. He says he prefers to say "s" sounds with his tongue between his teeth, like a snake. So at least he's aware of where his tongue is.

I'm going to start letting the kids journal on a regular basis. The next two entries will be c and m's blog entries for the day...

Another code cracked

June 11, 2002

Oh. My. Fucking. Maude.

L figured out how to make southern fried breast of tofu for me.

I may never leave the house again.

Is it just me...

June 10, 2002

Or is anyone else having trouble accessing my single mom life?

I've been wanting to poke around and read that site all weekend, and I haven't been able to...

Car-PRIVILEGED

June 10, 2002

ok, first, I have to thank Scratchmittens for holding me accountable here.

I have been doing some thinking about carfree and I realize I have a long way to go and in no way do I intend to imply that I'm doing anything spectacular by taking the bus to work on a regular basis. There is a whole shift that I need to make, and I'm not there yet, but if I keep reading things from Scratchmittens, and Pink Prickly Pear, and Pea, and fertile_jim...and if I keep talking to my carfree non-blogging friends (like Megan - Hi, if you are reading this!)...I know I will come around.

Thanks to all who have gone before me. Thanks for the support. I appreciate it. I bought a bus pass today, and because I am hell-bent against wasting money, I know that I will at least be taking 10 dollars worth of bus rides this month. That's 20 rides, folks.

ah, cripes...

June 10, 2002

Listen...I'm handing out free clues...

Having a conversation with someone who happens to have a penis IS NOT FLIRTING. Not wearing a bra while having a conversation with someone who happens to have a penis DOES NOT MAKE ME A SLUT. Sitting in a comfortable position while having a conversation with someone who happens to have a penis DOES NOT CONSTITUTE A COME-ON.

I'll make it very clear. When I tell someone to fuck me. Now. THAT means I am trying to get sex out of someone. Anything else is just NORMAL. HUMAN. INTERACTION.

*sigh*

June 9, 2002

My fingers are freezing as I sit here in this cold room. I have to return to my computerless home and I'm so bummed because I have so much to write about and the paper journal just doesn't cut it. Something about my fingers dancing on keys that provides me with a certain rhythm. I feel set back. But, oh well. L has band practice and I have to get going.

Sunday Afternoon Linky Love

June 9, 2002

Austin has so many great photobloggers. This is one of them

I thought I was the only one who had a child who loves the Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack

She has a new look...I have to change my blogroll!

This one seems relatively new, and I kind of like it!

Well, this one is damn cool to look at!

I haven't read much of this one, but I have to cruise soon...I know I will be back. Check it out!

Have you read THE LORAX recently?

June 9, 2002

business is business!
And business must grow
regardless of crummies in tummies, you know.

The Lorax by Dr. Seuss

June 9, 2002

This is a book you absolutely must read to your children. We have it in a Seuss anthology and I have been reading it to m for years. What an exciting day it was today when he requested that I read it and we were actually able to discuss what the book is all about. m is sure they could have saved the Truffula trees had they not made the Super-Axe-Hacker (which whacked off four Truffula Trees at one smacker.) We talked about being wasteful and greedy and about how businesses will try to make you believe you really want or even need something by advertising. It was a great lesson today. I'm so proud of my little growing up boy.

Here are some links to go along with the story:
The entire story
Games and stuff
Lesson plans and games
Particulate Lesson Plan

anarchist poetry

June 9, 2002

Cool! I found this site while doing a search for Yertle the Turtle

Yertle the Turtle by: Dr. Seuss

June 9, 2002

And today the great Yertle, that Marvelous he,
Is King of the Mud. That is all he can see.
And the turtles, of course... all the turtles are free
As turtles and, maybe, all creatures should be.

Horton Hatches The Egg by: Dr. Seuss

June 9, 2002

Editorial Reviews
Amazon.com
Poor Horton. Dr. Seuss's kindly elephant is persuaded to sit on an egg while its mother, the good-for-nothing bird lazy Maysie, takes a break. Little does Horton know that Maysie is setting off for a permanent vacation in Palm Springs. He waits, and waits, never leaving his precarious branch, even through a freezing winter and a spring that's punctuated by the insults of his friends. ("They taunted. They teased him. They yelled 'How Absurd! Old Horton the Elephant thinks he's a bird!'") Further indignities await, but Horton has the patience of Job--from whose story this one clearly derives--and he is rewarded in the end by the surprise birth of... an elephant-bird. Horton Hatches the Egg contains some of Theodor Geisel's most inspired verse and some of his best-ever illustrations, the dated style of which only accentuates their power and charm. A book no childhood should be without. (Ages 2 to 7) --Richard Farr

Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles by: Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

June 9, 2002

I've read countless books on dealing with difficult situations with children and so far this is far and away the best. Normally, I get frustrated with books because they present these difficult scenarios in such an ideal way. I was won over by this book when, in the section that talked about taking a breather when things get rough, Kurcinka actually included advice on what to do when your child follows you and will not allow you to take a breather (because if I lock myself in the bathroom to avoid yelling, you can bet m will be on the other side of the door, pounding to get in!) And I actually was able to feel a great deal of empathy for m's sensitivity to being left alone, as I know he carries some weird baggage from his time in neonatal icu. So, that's my first step. To acknowledge those memories that m might not even fully remember, but that might be shaping his interactions with me and with the world.

There's a lot of stuff in here about validating a child's emotions, giving names to what a child is feeling and teaching a child how to appropriately express those feelings. And the author freely acknowledges that the information is equally important for adults. In fact, it's crucial that I, as a parent, learn how to express my emotions appropriately...because my example goes much much further towards teaching my children than my words ever will.

I have a lot of work to do...I'm glad I have this book as a guide.

1988

June 9, 2002

Read about what I was doing in 1988 here

May-ish/June-ish, 1988

June 9, 2002

5/23/1988
dear dear C

...hiho.

It is difficult weeding out those who were once so...intriguing. You don't want to hurt, but are hurt by their falsehoods...I have recently had to reevaluate my feelings for a couple of people I have been close to...people I LOVE, but...no longer have anything in common with...search for some similarity. Ugh.

Allyson's visit was splendid. We got together 3 times, went out for coffee, had a nice chat or two. Lovely - she's a splendid soul. Also had a chance to be pleasantly surprised by yet another...was talking to my Friend Janine who came into Copy Shot to visit. Angi was helping this guy out and he suddenly turns to me and says "So, did you get my last package?" - Here I am saying "WHAT?!" - he says "I'm Tesla Coil" - WHOA - so I'm totally bowled over...'twas nifty to say the least. We had a groovy weekend...ah.

So I hope you DO get a chance to go out and see Barb this year! Sounds as if you'd have a great time esp. if those other people go with you! Yay C! Haven't gotten the chance to look closely at Rana's zine, but I will...

Christ on a Crutch? Yes...in fact, David W. (from DC) used to hang with them when they lived on the east coast. I'm now writing to a guy who I guess is responsible for the distribution of their record, but I haven't gotten ahold of it as of yet. If you could copy it for me, I'd greatly appreciate it...Lyrics, too, would be nice of you (that way I can review it for "twist" - I don't generally print interviews, but Angi was thinking of running some minizines with band interviews - so perhaps she could use it.

Certainly! Here is another copy of twist for you and I do hope you dig it. Did you like Lime Green Bulldozers 7? That show (last Sunday) was spectacular! 63 Eyes are incredible! Ang & I went in together on their album and it's marvelous...Screeching Weasel were fun...but it got old fast for me. Especially the damn jerks who were playing pro wrestling in the pit...bleah! The same guys who were throwing things at & flipping off 63 Eyes...telling them to "go home" etc...fucking rude people. If they didn't like it, they should have left. The show the week before that (peace fest benefit) was also quite intense. Friends of Betty - ZOWIE - their drummer is magnificent! Quite! Plus Distemper played a great show. Actually, all the bands played great. It was well worth the dough.

La la la. I'm quite the jolly soul. Seeing Tesla really helped me out...I needed that extra shove. He's going to see about purchasing a VW Microbus (poptop camper) before he gets up here. Because David and I both want one. C, he's a really nice person. I just feel so...full...because there is so much for the four of us to share. Like the possibilities are endless...

The peace fest list...(people who I'm motivating into coming out for that wonderful weekend) alternately grows and shrinks...Bob Z might be grooving down now. For sure Eric Cook & David & Tesla...John from NY...la! Should prove to be a dandy.

But, alas, I must go now. Oh, C...You're "neat" too - be kind to yourself...take care

livelifelove
L

5/25/1988
dear Shelley,

Sorry this has been such a dread late letter but I wanted to type up a tape list for you and time has not been on my side lately.

Your tattoo sounds beautiful...is it all colorful like a sunset? and a butterfly.

But feel free to let me know if anything on my list appeals to you. Your list is groovy and...well I haven't the abundance of blank tapes you do, but I will see what happens money-wise...

My mom charges $160 a month room and board and I figure when I'm moved out it'll be even less - we're looking at these flats that are under $400 a month and they're roomy enough for all 4 of us, so the room alone will be less than $100 & I mean electricity isn't that much and I already pay my phone bill...so...this might actually work out BETTER than expected. Angi's Friends Glenn (from Impulse Manslaughter) and Elaine have a pad in the same complex and it's really quite roomy and nice.

So apartment hunting is going OK. Our goal is to get one by the first of July, but we at least want it by peace fest and NEED one by the 1st of August...so...

Anyway. Not much else grooving. I'm glad you dug on "twist" Can't wait to see your newest! Take care of yourself and be kind

Livelifelove
L

5/28/1988 11:15 AM

Always wander
but never far
stop and wait--
I will
Run up behind you
bring you flowers
I have gathered
from the sides
of the path...

6/8/1988
He was more of a composer than a writer his graceful eloquence directed rather than wrote the words and each syllable fell into its place harmoniously...up tempo beats and his hands would move faster imploring and chants were mere prostheses of time and melody. His long hair would wave and bob with the end of each line...

She watched him now, forming his grand operetta. How his eyes sparkled blankly when he looked up not focusing on anything in the room but more like an inward glance. It was inspiring, she mused, watching him get inspired.

And still the pen scratched symbols on to the paper. Throwing notes and signals he became the protagonist of his own whirlwind novella.

6/8/1988
For Eric

Enigmatic brother
Your soul lifted mine today
With your beautiful music
and the wind playing gentle sonatas
in my hair
I have lived and died
And lived again
But never experienced quite the same
beauty
as
this
Grey summer day
A "religious" experience
(as I am, admittedly, too weak to find another
word)
and as I walked hom
I saw a sign happily painted
and taped to a doorway
"Welcome home - we missed you"
This and brightly colored balloons
I was up the 3rd step
before I realized
It was not my home

6/9/1988 11:30 AM
The paper seemed to fall in an odd pattern fluttering down the two flights flip flopping gracefully down then landing in a kaleidoscopic manner (only the different colors vivid against the yellow kitchen floor)

The sourece. A tiny pink hand and giggling upturned lips pink with youth but always in the eyes (which scared her mother) such AGELESSNESS could not be fathomed.

She wanted to join the pattern and climbed upon the banister one piece at a time she allowed her tiny limbs to drift and find their home amonst the colored scraps of paper.

6/11/1988
Dear c...

Hi ho and thank you for the letter! Sounds as if everything's going much better for you and that's really great. On the other hand, I dunno...

Strange how in my silence others are also silent and I don't even realize. robby called me the other day trying to act all happy and bright and in fact, I even commented on how happy he sounded, but somehow, immediately after I had said that something struck me into thinking "This man is NOT happy" and I think we were both aware that neither of us, despite the plastic smiles, were really very content...something hits me around this time every year, just like a huge longing to drift, to feel comfortable, to be with someone who can drift and feel comfortable and make me feel comfortable--I feel like screaming lyrics and it helps now that I am listening to Kim Gordon squeal out the Sonic Youth version of "Now I wanna be your dog..."

Have you ever written to Yuri Paradox? He's a splendidly fascinating child...I'm trying to arrange it so his band will come out here and play at Nellies--M told me to tell him to send a demo or something. Also may bet M to book Bulimia Banquet...that would be pretty groovy.

I'm alone at work today, Angi's in San Diego...pretty boring on a Saturday, but in a way sorta nice like I am really alone and here and so much that I can do like make stickers (which I did do, here, have some) and type letters, and even write a couple when I get tired of typing -- only have about an hour and a half left to go and no one has come in yet although I suppose I shouldn't have said that because now, no doubt, there will be a wave of customers...

My stomach growls...I'm not eating until I'm very hungry--I keep thinking about a couple of summers ago when D and I were Friends and we both would not eat for a long time and then talk on the phone about how hunger felt. I mean, I'm not STARBING myself or anything because anyone can do without food for 6 or 7 hours, but it's sort of interesting to have a completely empty stomach.

And, of course, I'm thinking about MR...it seems that I do that in seasons--winter, I don't really dwell on it that much, but like spring and summer are awful. C I'm not sad or anything, I just have this immense longing and it's so odd. I stop to think about it every once in awhile and the more I think about it the odder I think it is--it's been more than 3 years now, but still there is this tremendous bond and pull in that direction. We are totally different people, and I know that more and more each time I see him, but it seems the more I convince myself of that, the more I...gotta go Here's a customer...

Well, damn!

June 9, 2002

Now I have even more of a reason to jones for my computer to be fixed. I've been asked to join the folks at randomWalks! How cool is that! So, I can't wait to actually have time to surf around aimlessly, looking for good stuff to post.

I'm so honored to have been invited.

A friday in my life...

June 8, 2002

Read all about it here.

OK, I know I've said it before...

June 8, 2002

But she amazes me.

A Friday in my Life

June 7, 2002

7:30 AM
c's awake, playing my head like it's a drum. I'm so fucking tired and I don't know why. I think I need to start taking an iron supplement or something. Lately I've been craving eggs and cheese, so I'm sure I'm doing something wrong, nutrition-wise. I begrudgingly get out of bed after c, in his quest to empty all of the books from the bookshelf and pile them next to me on the bed, inadvertently (or, perhaps vertently) hits me over the head with the dinosaur edition of childcraft annual.

8:00 AM
Breakfast is eggs. I used to hate them. Now I crave them. Again, I'm certain that it's something I need to adjust for somehow. Eggs and toast. Yum. And some yummy homemade granola.

8:30 AM
I'm laying on the couch, watching c methodically destroy everything in his path. So far, he has thrown 2 cups of water on the floor. He's so punk rock. I give him a cup of whater, and he drinks some of it and then hurls it on the floor. This is why I never buy anything made of any breakable substance.

9:00 AM
m wakes up and we read some stories together.

9:30 AM
c and I are off to the store. I'm trying to cut our automobile shopping trips down to every 10 days. We used to go every week. The list seems small today, which is great!

10:30 AM
c has a bagel in his hands, I'm drinking a caffeine free, GLUTEN free (?) soda pop, we have 5 bags of mostly organic food for under 90 bux. Not bad. Not bad at all.

11:00 AM
The mad feasting/grocery putting away frenzy begins. I'm so lucky to have two sweet little guys to help me put everything away. They love doing it. It's so cute to see cy with a big can of beans or a big jug of soymilk. Of course, c also feels compelled to take a bite out of each and every piece of fruit in the bags, so I have to watch him carefully.

11:30 AM
c is already acting tired, so I lay down with him to nurse him to sleep. I manage to catch a few winks myself before...

12:00 noon
m comes in and says "Mom! Wake up mom! Wake up and play with me mom!" I wake up...but I'm so so tired. I don't know what my problem is. I'm starting to suspect it's caffeine addiction. I just want to crawl right back into bed and go to sleep for the rest of the day. I'm not depressed or anything, just really really tired. Gosh, I hope I'm not pregnant!

12:30 PM
I wake L up, because, fuck, it's after noon. Because I'm so nice...I throw together a cup of coffee to help him out.

1:00 PM
L says the words I love to hear: "go on...get out of here!"

1:45 PM
I think this is when I actually end up leaving. c woke up sometime between when L told me to leave and when I actually managed to get to the door, so I had to spend some time calming him down and rubbing his back. Now I'm on my way to the bus stop.

2:15 PM
I round the corner before the bus stop just as the bus rounds the corner, so I have to run again to catch it. The nice bus driver stops prior to the bus stop so I don't have to run as far...

2:30 PM
This is where I get off to get to the offices of my job so I can drop of time sheets. Between the bus stop and the office building lies a gigantic mall. I decide to walk through the mall to enjoy some tasty air conditioning instead of the nasty hot muggy air.

2:45 PM
Um, here's where I'm sitting down enjoying some tasty pizza and a tasty dr. pepper. OK, so it's not a good food day. I got hungry. What do you want, man?! Nothing to see here...move along...

3:15 PM
After a brief jaunt in the hot hot sun, I'm back in the cool embrace of manufactured air. Riding the elevator to the fifth floor to hand in my timesheets. Feeling more than a little self conscious because, frankly, I smell bad. Well, not bad, because I actually like the way my milky sweat smells...but I'm sure not everyone feels the same way.

3:20 PM
Time sheets handed to boss. Our sysadmin is also there. We talk for a little while. L calls me three times to accuse me of hiding the manual and the drivers for my new motherboard. hahaha.

3:45 PM
Somehow I find myself in a dressing room, trying on hideous clothing that is way overpriced. I snap out of it before I actually purchase the stuff. I vow to never, EVER walk through the mall again. They really must pump something into the air in that place. It would be better to die of heat stroke.

4:00 PM
At the bus stop I see a punk rock girl with a really cool tattoo on her shoulder. It makes me want to get another tattoo. I've been toying with the idea of getting flames tattooes on my belly, to sort of frame my stretch marks, because they look like flames to me. That, or an armband. I'm not sure which.

4:15 PM
Back on the bus. It's a close squeeze in there. I'm reading and trying to disregard the fact that I'm extremely oderous.

4:30 PM
Here I am at my worksite. I'm scanning images, I'm surfing, I'm reading up...I'm answering e-mail...I'm blogging. I'll be here until L calls me crying for mercy!

6:00 PM
Amazingly, L has not called, so I decide to treat myself to dinner. I lock up and walk out of the building to find that it's been drizzling and it is actually pleasant outside. I sit at the bus stop, waiting for the bus and reading as random stray droplets of rain plink down on the magazine I'm reading.

6:30 PM
I'm at my favorite restaurant, eating tofu with garlic, hot pepper, and lemongrass...sucking down an iced coffee...reading my magazine.

7:15 PM
I opt to walk home, rather than waiting for the bus which will really only take me about 3 blocks down the road anyway. It's a pleasant walk. I like looking at peoples' gardens. There's a house that has a beautiful vegetable garden, a house with a huge patch of sunflowers, and a house with a tiny little veggie patch that seems to be producing a good number of tomatoes and three big corn stalks.

8:00 PM
At home with the kids. L has spent all day trying to get my computer working and he's had it He finally gives up and loads WIN95, since our WIN98 cd seems corrupted. I'm playing with the kids, carrying the octopusvelcro baby around...hanging out. I feel recharged, but I'm bummed bummed bummed that I still don't have a computer.

8:30 PM
Playing outside with the kids. With the ball. c climbs into the wagon and says "beep beep" and looks at me all cute, waiting to be toured around. but he's naked and it's so close to his bedtime and I'm not feeling like walking around anymore, so we go inside and read some stories instead.

9:00 PM
Nursing cy down to sleep. He is all twitchy at first, but he calms down really fast.

9:15 PM
m wants to make me a present because I'm "the best mommy in the whole world" - he demands construction paper and the little punch out thingies that make cute cut out shapes in the paper (sort of like hole punches, but in the shape of a star, a heart, and a spiral.) He wants to do the star first, because I'm a superstar...then the heart, because he loves me so much.

9:30 PM
I think about now is when I called Tesla. His number was on a post-it on the computer, and I asked L if he had called. "yeah...I think he had heart surgery or something." Fuck! So I call him up, and we talk and talk and talk forever. m is very unhappy with this (and I don't actually blame him, since I was infringing on his story and game time, but come on man! One of my favorite people in the whole world is recovering from major surgery here!) So I'm dodging m's aggression and trying to keep him relatively calm while I'm talking to Tes. Wow. It was nice to talk to him, but it sucked that it had to happen under such fucked up circumstances. It's also weird, because I was just thinking about him - since he was a major character in the story of my life around 1988.

midnight
I'm finally off the phone, and I manage to read a book to m before we call it a night and climb into bed. m must have forgiven me because he tells me he loves me. I tell him I love him too.

My Friend J.

June 7, 2002

I've taken J-, a sophomore in high school, out to dinner to thank him for helping me with a presentation I had to do. The subject of family comes up, and I ask him how many brothers and sisters he has.

"5." He says, "but only 4 of them are still living. One of my brothers is dead"

"I'm so sorry," I say "...what happened to him?"

"Well, I was 3 and he must have been 5." He begins, and then quickly adds, "I shouldn't have left to go get him a cookie. My mom was baking cookies and I left to get him one. He was playing with my fathers gun. I shouldn't have left to get him that cookie. I know I shouldn't have. But when I got downstairs, my mom and I heard a POP. And when we went back upstairs, he was there. on the bed. And there was so much blood."

He pauses. Looks at me. Smiles sheepishly. Looks down.

"I can't understand it. I just don't know why I can't get that image out of my head. I can still see it in my head."

Tears in my eyes, I touch his back. I say "Oh, sweety...you were only 3 years old. You didn't need to witness that. You shouldn't have had to see that. You shouldn't have had to experience that. It's not your fault, J. It's not your fault."

***

I'm trying to talk J out of joining the military when he gets out of school. He's been in JROTC for the past 3 years, and they (along with his father) have done a pretty good job of convincing him that he has no other options.

But he has tons of other options. The kid is smart. Genius smart. He picks things up quickly and figures things out on his own. However, he doesn't follow orders well at all, and he's goofy as all get out. I mean, the good kind of goofy, but the kind of goofy that doesn't go over well in a military environment.

And, yes, I have a personal beef against the military...be even regardless of that, this kid does not belong there. So I'm working on him. I tell him I have a whole year to convince him to try for conventional scholarships. I now have my favorite client helping me, as we all wait for the bus to pick us up. J. is acting all silly and hyper and A. and I are telling him he's just not the military type. And J. seems upset by this. and I don't want to upset him...but I worry about him. I'm protective of him. Because I want him to succeed. I want him to REALLY be all that he can be.

Urgh..

June 7, 2002

So I was all psyched to get my hard drive installed and start blogging from home once again last night. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

What it boils down to is we are having all sorts of problems loading windows 98 due to funky driver issues. So, it's still not working.

AND, I now owe my husband 60 bux or the equivalent in sexual favors if he succeeds in getting me up and running.

Which, come to think of it...isn't such a bad deal.

Hahahah

June 6, 2002

Much love to letter never sent for the link to this article. I thought this quote was choice:

Elbows crush the petunias in the cottage's window boxes as people lean forward to peer through the windows and watch Mack knead dough. "What's that?" a little girl asks her mother.

"This lady's making an apple pie," the mom responds. "Just like in the old times, with real flour."

Reliving the Past

June 6, 2002

Oh, I have a special treat for when my computer is up. I found a bunch of letters and journal entries and poems from around this time in 1988. The prime of my life. I had already graduated, and was on the threshold of moving into my first swinging pad with two roommates. It was a cool cool time. I can't wait to share it with you!

Update on the second job/c situation

June 6, 2002

Talked to uberboss today. Now, I know I complain about her a lot, but the thing is she really is a pushover. She comes on very very strong and strict, but if you argue with her, she always ends up coming around. Every time.

Well, I told her that I really don't want to pass up the opportunity to attend the teacher training, but I'm concerned about c's attachment issues (or separation issues). I proposed that I be allowed to attend the teacher training, then work from home at night as much as possible, on an on-call status.

She was totally cool with this. It actually surprised me. She said that absolutely she wants me to attend the training, and that it would be great for me and my counterpart to be able to report back to her on the status of this program (it's a high school technology program that's taught in a unique, very "accelerated learning" way...and they want us to try to transform the year-long program into a 6-week adult education program) and see how we can integrate it into what we're doing. She even said that she and LeRoy could cover for me at night if need be.

So, I'm set. I'm doing it. M- seems flexible about the day I spend with K-, so I don't think it will interfere with that, either.

Woohoo!

What a Great Day!

June 6, 2002

We hung out with M-s daughter, K- today. M- started school this week and has asked me to watch 7-year old K- one day a week from 9-3. K- is amazing. Intelligent, confident, kick-ass, super cool kid. Yet another shining example of the fact that young mothers without partners do, in fact, raise healthy children.

We all just had the best time, and m and K- built the coolest windmill out of m's construct-o-straw set. It was amazing. They were in m's room, and I heard them arguing, so I popped my head in and said "hey...what's up" and I was told what was up (something fairly trivial) so I just said "listen, I'm going to give you 5 minutes to try to work this out on your own, and if you can't come up with a resolution, I'll just give you each a separate task to work on so you can take a break from each other."

Five minutes later, they walk out with this amazing 4-foot tall construct. I was so very proud of them. And I could tell they were proud of themselves for working it out.

M- wants to homeschool K-, and I think that would be a good thing. One of the first things K- said when she got to my house was "I'm out of school for the summer, and I might never have to be in school ever again!" The joy on her face was enough to make me decide that I'm going to do whatever I can to help M- keep K- out of school. M-s not sure what she's going to do, but I think between the two of us, and perhaps if we find more people, we'll be able to keept he kids occupied and learning stuff.

M-, if you are reading this (I'm not sure if you want your identity revealed to the readers of my blog) You kick ass, mama! We had a ton of fun today and are looking forward to next week.

Feeling the Burn

June 6, 2002

Folks, I'm really jonesing for a computer at home. This blogging once a day thing is for the...well, it sucks.

L did manage to wheedle a free used 10 gig hard drive out of his friend, so I just need to install it and get it up and running. I had generated this grand vision of dual-booting Linux because I thought I was going to have to buy a 60 gig hard drive, but now I'm not sure I can do that with just 12 gigs. My guru here says Linux only takes up a gig, full package. So I might just go for it.

Easy Pan Chili Recipe

June 5, 2002

Find it here

Paths of Learning issue #9

June 5, 2002

A great educational resource, not strictly devoted to homeschooling, but favoring alternative education in general. Read more here, here, and here

Surfing fun for you!

June 5, 2002

Spookydoll has her own domain!

Bill Hicks, continued

June 5, 2002

I actually posted that tribute because I work with a guy who so totally reminds me of Bill Hicks, in humor and in looks. I couldn't believe he has lived in Austin for as long as he has and he had never heard of him!

So, I'm glad there are Bill Hicks fans reading this blog.

A Decision to Be Made

June 5, 2002

I have the option to take a 3-week class next month, with a stipend attached to it. A significant stipend. And after the class, I will be eligible for even more stipendage if I help create curriculum based on the class that I attend.

The catch? I will have to work outside the home and be away from c more than I would like to be. The training sessions will probably run 9 AM - 2 PM M-F for 3 weeks...and then I have to work from 5:30-9 (but I usually get to work around 4:30).

c is going to be 20 months at that point. He's still nursing 3-4 times a day or more...and then some at night, as well. I don't want my supply to be compromised and I don't want to come home every night to hear c wandering around the house crying "MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA!" (which is what I came home to the other night, and I didn't even work more than usual.)

c will be with his father while I'm gone, so it's not like I'm leaving him with strangers. We REALLY R-E-A-L-L-Y need the money. The experience will look great on a resume. It's only 3 weeks.

I can't decide if it's freaking worth it. Perhaps c will be over this little separation anxiety phase by then and I won't have to freak about it. Perhaps I can arrange to work from home at night for at least a couple of nights a week during that time.

It seems like there should be a way...it just worries me that it might freak my little c-y bear out.

Easy Pan Chili

June 5, 2002

You can always tell when I'm trying to stretch the groceries because I start going through all of the canned goods that I've stocked up (years and years living in Chicago made me a disaster food stocker). This is a quick recipe that you can make out of those canned goods lurking around in there. Of course, you can always replace canned with fresh if you so desire...but who the heck wants to peel and seed tomatoes?

Ingredients
a smattering of vegetable oil
1 can corn, drained
1 jalapeno, minced (optional)
1 can beans, drained
1 can diced tomatoes
1 green pepper (diced)
1 onion (diced)
a bit of cilantro
cumin to taste
garlic to taste
salt and black pepper to taste

Saute onion in oil until soft
Throw in green pepper and corn and season with a little cumin (this makes your kitchen smell nice and fools the residents of your home into thinking that you are cooking something fancy)
Here's where you can throw in the jalapeno if you so desire.
Beans, tomatoes, and the rest of the spices go in now.
Let it simmer for awhile...mixing it around a bit to get the flavors all blended.
Adjust the seasoning, add cilantro if you have it.
Serve with rice, or corn tortillas...or throw it on some corn chips and call it frito pie.

Enjoy!

Life Without a Computer at Home

June 5, 2002

I got an amazing amount of cleaning done today. I imagine I am addicted to having a computer, and I had to keep myself busy to avoid withdrawal symptoms.

I did, however, come up with a convenient excuse to go to work early. No, really. I really did have to bring my stereo in for repairs. I mean, the warranty runs out in November, and if I didn't bring it in today, who knows when I would have gotten around to it.

Right?

Oh, and if anyone is wondering why I'm not leaving my overly-verbose comments on your blog or replying to e-mails...it's not because I don't love you. It's because I used to do those things at 1 in the AM...and now, I can't.

I wish Bill Hicks never died

June 4, 2002

"By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. No, this is not a joke: kill yourself . . . I know what the marketing people are thinking now too: 'Oh. He's going for that anti-marketing dollar. That's a good market.' Oh man, I am not doing that, you fucking evil scumbags."

HOWEVER!

June 4, 2002

a) I did harvest my zucchini, and one cherry tomato that had ripened (why was I thinking they would all ripen together? Perhaps I was expecting they would magically form little green plastic baskets around them, as well). m ate the cherry tomato and refused to share. Then he asked to eat some zucchini! This is from my suddenly picky non-eating child! Woo hoo! Just goes to show that if you grow it, they will eat it.

b) I did take the bus to work today. Yahoo. Now my co-workers will not ridicule me ceaselessly (I told them to give me a hard time whenever I drive. Not that they need an excuse to give me a hard time...but I figured peer pressure might encourage me to stick to my pledge.)

How's your day going?

Spoke too soon...

June 4, 2002

Shortly after my last entry about the joys of having a full-sized keyboard...my main harddrive sputtered and died. Unceremoniously. Taking all of my unbacked up pictures with it (I SWEAR I was going to back them up as soon as I had everything plugged in! Don't yell at me!).

So, now L has to see if he can pull a few strings at the computer place and try to get us a decent hard drive for little to no cost. Cross your fingers.

OH, and!

June 4, 2002

I have my computer back. Regular keyboard. Full-sized monitor. Sigh. YES! It took me forever to get the modem working (until I finally figured out it was a zonealarm issue rather than a hardware issue) but I'm cruising now! It's only a matter of getting a replacement needle for my phonograph, and I'll be burning vinyl like a madwoman!

I have zucchini!

June 4, 2002

I wanted to save this until I got the camera back, but I'm soooooo excited that I can't wait.

I have a zucchini in my garden. It is big and fat and green and beautiful. And I'm not sure when to harvest it. It seems like it's ready now, and I don't want the bugs to get it. But I'm feeling strangely maternal about it now. In a way I don't feel about tomotoes. I want it to grow and live out it's life out there.

Is this the way meat eaters feel when they raise chickens for food? Or am I just weird?

argh!

June 3, 2002

I'm wanting to write a really good blog entry, AND I'm wanting to comment on a bunch of awesome blogs that I'm reading, but I'm at work and at various random intervals someone keeps coming on LOUD over the intercom, YELLING "ZONE EIGHT! TESTING TESTING! ZONE EIGHT!" and it has made me JUMP out of my chair each time it's happened (and it's happened about 30 times in the past hour.)

So, fuck it. I just hope they stop it by the time our clients get here, because it really fucks up any sort of concentration anyone could possibly muster.

My Pledge

June 3, 2002

That's IT. I'm taking the bus. I can't make any more excuses. I'm not even going to rely on my bike, because that just becomes an excuse.

As of tomorrow. It's the bus to work for me. The bus home for me. And the only deviation will be if I have to run major errands before work. I don't care if I have to walk a mile home in the dark. I'm so tired of guzzling through tank after ridiculously expensive tank of gas to drive 3 miles to work and 8 miles home (because one of my interns always asks for a ride) every freaking day.

Wish me luck!

Amended to add:
this entry was inspired by fertile_jim's reflection on his vacation. I think it just hit me that, although I know that "wealthy minority" are the major evildoers against the environment, there is much I can do in my life to combat the effect of this rampant consumption of resources. There is still much that I can do. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps.

Oh, and scratchmittens is quite an inspiration, as well. She's been talking about being carfree for as long as I've known she's existed. When I get some uninterrupted time, I'm going to catch up on all of the stuff she has been writing lately because she rules.

Dear Uber Boss

June 3, 2002

Thank you for your e-mail reminding me of today's meeting that starts at noon.

I'd like to remind you that there is a reason that I work evenings. Actually, there are two reasons. Our normal 3:30 meeting time is perfect for me, as it allows me to go straight from the meeting to work without having to inflict the trauma of now you see mama now you don't more than absolutely necessary. The regular meeting time also ensures enough sleep for my husband, who stays up late to get work done while the children sleep. It also allows me to take the bus to work, as I don't have to worry about going back and forth more than once.

I know you are a busy person, DOCTOR uberboss, and you sometimes find it necessary to schedule other meetings as a priority over our unnecessary weekly gabfests. However, I'm sure an intelligent person like yourself can figure out why I am a little peeved at finding out about this time switch the night before the meeting. And I'm sure you will understand if I'm a bit short with you at the meeting today, if I manage to make it there at all.

Might I suggest that we cancel our meetings, rather than arbitrarily reschedule them? After all, I'm only a mile away, and you are always welcome to tack an extra hour or so on the end of YOUR long day should you need to speak with me. If that's not too much of a hardship on your DOG, who you always use as an excuse to not work late.

Sincerely,
Your mindless drone.

Sunday Night Linky Love!

June 2, 2002

This is a really cool photoblog.

This is sorta cool:

Squirrel pictures here

I just really like the way this looks...

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this one before...but I'm blogrolling it now.

I feel so totally flattered that she linked me...is that ultra nerdy of me?

Shit.

June 2, 2002

Here's a semi-typical evening in the blood household (lest you should start to think we're the fucking waltons of something)

I'm outside playing ball with the boys. This is a game where they each bring me a ball, and I serve them, volleyball style, across the yard. Then they dutifully retrieve them, and the whole thing starts all over again. For some reason, they both love this game...and on occasion I have been known to actually read a book in between serves without upsetting anyone.

Well, tonight was different. Suddenly, in the midst of merry joy-making, c begins crying. I don't know why. I go to pick him up, and I realize he has dog shit all over his foot and leg. Great fucking howdy do. I spray it off with the hose, scoop up the poop, and move on to doing some gardening (gardening report forthcoming, after I recover from this trauma). c is playing with the dog, and I'm suspicious because the dog has taken a sudden intense interest in c's nether regions, so I wander over. Hmmm, I think, I could have SWORN I cleaned the baked beans off of his face before we came...out...here HEY! What's that SMELL?

Sure enough. Poop on the face, poop all up and down the back. Thankfully (?) it's not dog shit again, and I don't think he's actually EATEN any (although I certainly can't say the same about the dog). To the hose once more, where I spray off his entire body (he seems to enjoy this immensely, by the way.) I walk into the house to get a rag to wash off his face and, in the two seconds I am gone, I hear m going "GROSS! cy!!!" and I look out the window to see c drinking dirty swill water from a discarded flower pot.

Ain't it great to be a mama? Sigh.

At least the dog got a good, organic meal out of the ordeal...

c's new thing

June 2, 2002

m taught c to say "ewwwwww" whenever he kisses me. Now, he not only says "ewwwwww" but he adds a "yuck" on the end for good measure.

I was listening to a conversation c was having with L while c was taking a bath yesterday. c would say "ahNOOOOOOOO! yuCK!" and then "hahahahahaha" and again "ahNOOOOOO! yUCK!" over and over and over again.

I love his little yuck. It cracks me up. I don't even mind that he says it whenever I kiss him. In fact, if I want a kiss from him, all I have to do is say "ewwww" and he puckers right up for me.

I am such a wimp

June 2, 2002

So, I wanted to talk about this certain kind of exhaustion that creeps up on me when I am left alone with the children. Yesterday, I vowed to myself that I wasn't going to ask for any help from L until he volunteered it (since he graciously kicked me out of the house for several hours the day before). By the time 5:00 rolled around, I was dying.

There's this little nerve or muscle or neuron or SOMETHING in the front of my brain. Kind of directly in the middle of my forehead. And when I have spent a lot of time alone with the children, it starts twitching, then jumping, then DANCING AROUND in there. My eyes get glassy. I start to gripe, then grump, and if I let myself, I will start shouting about stupid stuff.

And I just get all over tired.

And the kids weren't doing anything inordinately evil, either. They were just being kids. You know. A lot of climing on furniture. A lot of demanding me to do this or that. We spent about an hour pretending that we were various kinds of dinosaurs. c napped for a little while and I read about a zillion books to m. We listened to music. We argued about appropriate behavior. m showed me his butt a few times (to let me know that he still has one, I guess?) m got sent to his room for attacking his brother with various household objects. Etc., etc.

It feels neverending. Like there's no "down time" with them. I sit down to read a chapter of a book while they are playing contentedly, and suddenly they NEED ME desperately.

I guess I don't understand how single parents do it without giving up. I feel like such a freaking wimp! Because I was so exhausted by the time Landry woke up that I felt like I was going to burst into tears and run screaming down the street. Throbbing frontal lobe and all.

Chia Pet - self titled LP

June 2, 2002

I'm not sure if this "elpee" as they called it is nearly as good to anyone who doesn't have the emotional tie to it that I do. I remember late nights at kinko's with Gar typing the lyrics up and pasting on all of the strange little clip-arty pictures to be copied and stuffed into the album. I remember the shows and the pet-heads and the confusion of the punks who didn't understand how to dance to anything other than thrashpogostomp music. I remember telling Marc Ruvolo I wanted to marry him because I just loved the way my first name sounds with his last name. Of course, Marc had several reasons for not wanting to marry me, not the least of which being that, as he said, I would write "books and books of poetry about" him.

In fact, I think part of what makes this album so funny and silly and great are all of the layered meanings to the songs that no one who didn't/doesn't know marc would understand. Not to make myself out to be more of an "insider" than I actually am, but I can't help but giggle at all of the references to his studliness with the ladies.

For me, this album is definitely a classic. 7 or 8 groovy, funky tunes, capped by a reflective folksy tune about Marc's parents journeying here from lands far away...and all of the journeys that remain.

Marriage Proposal

June 2, 2002

OK, so I'm already married. But if I wasn't, I would ask Letter Never Sent to marry me. Seriously. I am in love with them/it.

The Lion Who Wanted To Love by Giles Andreae & David Wojtowycz

June 2, 2002

A vegetarian lion? What will they think of next! This book actually has the power to make me cry, depending on my mood. Leo the lion is ostracized from his pride because he "wanted to love everybody and play with his friends all day long," He says to his distraught mother "I know that most lions prefer to eat meat, but I'd rather live off of the land."

ok, nevermind that the male lions aren't the ones that do the hunting anyway...this is actually a great story. I haven't really found too many pro-vegetarian kids' books, so I overlook some of the more flagrant flaws.

m likes it, too. We've had this since he was 2, and we still read it about once a month or so.

In the Ocean by Neecy Twinem

June 2, 2002

From Marilyn Courtot - Children's Literature: Clues and information about the habits and physical structure of humpback whales lead kids to answer the implied question-I live in the ocean, who am I? The information imparted may be fine for the young, but technically, krill are not fish but crustaceans. So humpbacks really don't eat fish, but rather various small creatures called krill. Part of the "Animal Clues" series.

A Couple of Anti-TV (and all electronic visual media) Sites

June 1, 2002

I haven't read through them, but they seem interesting...and pretty extreme.