I'm also FINALLY sending out the winter mix and kid mix that I owe to

Anyone who has been on my crush list and has not yet received a mix, please send me yr address. If you've already sent it, I've lost it and I apologize (now we know why I no longer do zines - I have lost all sense of organizing, even though I used to be the queen of the mailing list).

If you would like a copy of the winter mix or kids mixes - I have extras! So please consider dropping some money in the paypal account for postage and handling, and I'd be glad to send something out for you.

Of Wolves and Men AND...

May 21, 2003

Reading the chapter on man's cruelty to wolves throughout the ages, and the justifications surrounding this cruelty (in this excellent book), I'm struck by the similarities between these justifications and the "dominant culture's" current reasoning for committing acts of war and atrocities against people of other cultures:

This is not predator control, and it goes beyond the casual cruelty sociologists say manifests itself among people under stress, or where there is no perception of responsibility. It is the violent expression of a terrible assumption: that men have the right to kill other creatures not for what they do but for what we fear they may do. I almost wrote "or for no reason," but there are always reasons.

Lopez goes on to explain how man has historically expressed his frustration over being unable to control or predict wilderness by killing wolves and other creatures of the wilderness. The predation of wolves by men is an expression of not only a hatred for the wolf, but a hatred or ambivalence towards nature.

I wonder if perhaps Western cultures have an idea that they have already conquered nature and now they turn their frustrations on cultures that are not following the laws of civilization in the way the "dominant" culture has determined as the "right" way.

In America in the eighteenth century Cotton Mather and other Puritan ministers preached against wilderness as an insult to the LOrd, as a challenge to man to show the proof of his religious conviction by destroying it."

Given that most of us have grown up in a society in which people of color are viewed as inferior and even primitive, especially as pertains to people of color in developing nations or remote, unfamiliar locations (barren deserts, for one. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people talk of Iraq as though it's a backwards, uncivilized, undeveloped country.) Could we be replacing our hatred for the beast with a hatred for other people who we are convinced are somehow beastly? Is it that much of a stretch to believe this? Certainly we have treated other cultures this way throughout history, but with globalization swiftly bringing nations and cultures closer and closer together, is this way of thinking becoming more prominent, more urgent?

Man saw himself as God's agent correcting what was imperfect in nature; as he became more abstracted from his natural environment, he came to regard himself as the protector of the weak animals in nature against the designs of bullies like the wolf.

Of course, it's important to note that the above quote is intentionally one-dimensional, as the wolf is more than a bully and has a complex relationship with wilderness that overwhelmingly beneficial.

Lopez concludes this chapter by relating a story of a hideously cruel act perpetrated against a female red wolf by some men in Texas, and comments:

It is relatively easy to produce reasons why such depravity exists - because people are bored, because some men feel powerless in modern society. But this incident is, in fact, a staggering act of self-indulgence. That it is condoned by silence and goes unpunished reveals a terrible meanness in the human spirit.

So, it IS probably a stretch for me to extrapolate Lopez' research on man's adversarial relationship with wolves to US policy in the middle east, but it is interesting to think about. It has kept me busy for the last hour or so, anyway.

Ladyfest

May 21, 2003

I did have one more thing to say before I fall into (temporary?) silence. Ladyfest in Austin This Week! STARTING TOMORROW!!

Rosa Maria will be holding a discussion about radical parenting and will also be leading a zine making workshop [workshop schedule]. I'm going to try to help her with the zine making workshop...we'll see how it goes. It should be a fun time. I'm totally psyched about being able to participate and having access. You should go, too.

New at fullbleed.net

May 21, 2003

My old pal Empallin is up and running at fullbleed.net/empallin. Go read!

And, while yr at it, stop in on those crazy kids at artery.

And I'm looking forward to getting the portal done sometime in mid-June. The wonderful Michelle is in the midst of a move, and won't be settled until sometime around then. At that point, she will work some magic on an mt template and get the ball rolling.

I'm feeling like I'm having another "not any words" kind of day, so I might not be around much. Perhaps a little hiatus is in order? I have a busy busy few days planned starting tomorrow - Ladyfest, hanging out, seeing Tribe8, etc...so I'm not sure if I'm going to be too exhausted to post, or if I'm going to be so psyched by all of the coolness that I'll post tons and tons and tons of babble.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see, won't we?

abortion rights

May 20, 2003

It's remarkable that our local (generally right-wing) newspaper would print this editorial about current legislation aimed at restricting a woman's right to choose:

You don't have to approve of abortion to oppose HB 15 and Rider 11. Again, abortion is constitutional and legal. The state has a proper role in ensuring that it is done safely, and it already has ensured that none of its money is used to pay for abortions or to subsidize those who provide them. But the state should not use its power to interfere with the woman's right to decide, or cut her off from those who would help her.

Click here for information on what you can do.

Have I really not posted anything today?

May 20, 2003

I guess I've been pretty busy with stuff that's not particularly good blog fodder. Or maybe it is but I don't feel like sharing. But it's been a busy day...most of it away from the computer.

We got the taxes finished up this morning, and though we are not getting as much back as I thought we would, it's still a return and I'm ok with it. L was in a mood, so i dropped him off at home and took the kids out to eat and then went over to k8's house for playgroup, which was fun, as it always is. cy impressed me with his ability to just hang by himself and play in the yard without screaming for me every 15 minutes like he does at home. And I got to spend time with my favorite mamas...which is always cool.

Can I say something about my girlfriend, k8? Here is a woman who has her shit together. Totally. I love her so much. She has this presence that is undeniably positive, and she kind of just executes life so smoothly that her existence is an artform. I feel very fortunate to be a part of her life, and that she is a part of mine. So, so cool. And the other mamas that do playgroup there are equally fun to be around. I had to stop going there for awhile because m was having a difficult time fitting in because of some strange dynamics having to do with the presence of K, who I am not babysitting this summer. I loved that K had so much fun there, but it got to be a not fun thing for m, so I had to find something else to do with them on Tuesdays. Anyway, I missed them & it was so so fun to be around them rather than mr black scribble over his head.

I got home from there just in time to dump the kids and head to work, which is where I am now...and I've done a whole lot of nothing here, but I'm kind of tidying up things sending out e-mails and stuff.

So, yeah. Not a very exciting day, but not a bad day at all. There was REALLY GOOD weather there for about 2 hours, but the sun came back out and fucked it up for everyone.

Malcolm X

May 19, 2003

I was going to post the lyrics to the Beatnigs' song Malcolm X, in honor of his birthday...but a)They are not online anywhere and b) I got kind of discouraged when I did a google search for "malcolm x"+beatnigs, and google retorted "Did you mean: "malcolm x" beatings"

So, anyway, it's Malcolm's birthday today. Or would have been. And I really don't have any words about it right now. Go read someone who has something intelligent to say.

Mother Jones War Watch

May 19, 2003

Still pumping out the news. This feature is so filled with links to other articles, I don't think I will be able to read it all. But it's well-worth at least skimming and picking over in the coming days. And, why not? The mainstream media certainly isn't giving us anything of interest, much less anything of truth.

A sample for those who require enticement:

Perhaps our administrators felt it was important that in the year zero we begin by teaching the Iraqis a lesson in "free market" crony capitalism, something to help heal the wounds after decades of Saddam Hussein's crony Baathism.

Problem Solved.

May 19, 2003

OK, it's consumer day here on my blog. Sorry. But this is great. I've been contemplating buying an MP3 player, so I called someone I work with who has just purchased one, and he offered to sell me his used mp3/cd player for 20 bux. Not only is this way cheaper than I had been thinking I would end up paying, but it's used, so I'm not wasting resources buying something new, and it solves my dilemma of whether to buy a cd/mp3 player or a hard-drive based one.

And now I can hand my crappy cd player down to m.

Sims 2

May 19, 2003

So, I was randomly surfing around today and I discovered this. Can I just say that I am totally and completely (probably way too) excited about the fact that I will, within the next year, be able to act out all of my frustrations as a Sim Toddler?

Do you think it will help me relate to my kids better?

Clearly there is something very wrong with me.

How We Connect

May 19, 2003

I hover - you stutter - we miss - and crash.
The mystery lies in the space between us.

My tongue gibbers but in your language.

It's a miracle thing - godsake - how we connect

Fact of live is a fact of distance
Poverty lies in the space between us
Mystery lies in the space between us
I make sound which approaches language
Make my tongue a physical one
Fact of life is a fact of closeness
I lost nothing in this attempt.

(dog faced hermans)

Where Does He Get This Stuff?

May 19, 2003

On our walk today, m had this to say:

Walking is an excellent way to de-energize and de-hydrate, but it's also a very good way to exercise.

I am happy to say that m is suddenly once again interested in our daily routine. He is insisting on morning circle, and he is asking to go for walks again. This is excellent for the side of me that is so so tired of chaos and whatever happens, happens. I was sad when he stopped looking forward to me writing all of our activities on our wipe board every day & now we are slowly re-establishing a ritual.

YAY!

Yesterday, I asked m if he wanted to to any workbooks or curriculum and he said "no. I'm learning enough, mom." But something in me still wants to get the Oak Meadow first grade curriculum. It's terribly expensive, but I just love the format and the guidance...perhaps I'll get it with the knowledge that I can use it for c if m's not interested.

Snack time's almost over...gotta go do the dishes. Hope yr day is going well...

Why I give a shit about what happens to the Dixie Chicks...

May 19, 2003

It's not because I give a shit about the Dixie Chicks themselves. I think they are masters of self-promotion and marketing, but I don't consider their music or their message to be particularly inspiring.

However, this kind of shit makes me honestly very frightened about our future.

According to a story from americannewsreel.com sent to RRC by former Reprise president Howie Klein, "Phone calls originating from Republican Party headquarters in Washington went out to country stations, urging them to remove the Chicks from their playlists.The 'alternative concert' [to the Dixie Chicks' tour opener] is actually the work of the South Carolina Republican Party and party officials are helping promote the concert.We received a call from 'Gallagher's Army,' urging us to support the alternative concert. Caller ID backtraced the call to South Carolina GOP headquarters."

Chain radio stations were quick to dump the Chicks because their parent companies (Clear Channel, Viacom, et al) have pressing business in the nation's capitol and they want help from the Republican Party.

And it should probably frighten you, as well...no matter what you think of the Dixie Chicks.

Coffee Date.

May 19, 2003

I had a great coffee date today with someone I work with. No, not a DATE date...but a hang out and chat date. She's one of my favorite people at work even though I hardly know her, and it was fun to sit with her for a little while outside of work and talk (the chief top guy has made it a policy that we all need to hang out with each and every person who works where I work outside of work by August. He has a little check off chart and everything. It sounds cheesy, but i think it's pretty fun.)

Anyway, we got to talking about politics, and about our ideals. We share similar views on a lot of things, but she is more skeptical about my utopian ideology - which is pretty understandable....hahahahaha...there are times when *I'M* skeptical about it.

I'll spare you a recount fo the entire conversation, but I would like to summarize what she pulled out of me today, which was very helpful.

First, our discussion helped me to define, really, what it is that is the basis of my ideology. And it's really quite simple. I believe that Everyone should be able to take for granted that their basic needs will be taken care of by the system. This means everyone will be fed, clothed, housed, healed (when sick) and whatever else is deemed to be the basic necessities for complete participation in and interaction with their environment.

Phew.

That sounds so simple and, as my co-worker said, we all know that MATHEMATICALLY SPEAKING, it's definitely feasible. But how do we go about making it so?

My co-worker is convinced that money will always equal power, and therefore it's in our best interest to convince those that have the power that it's a good idea to provide for the basic needs of everyone. I started talking about the fact that those whose needs are currently unmet have no voice, so there's no one holding those in power accountable for providing for them. In addition, even if we were to accomplish my main goal in the U.S., it would no doubt be done at the expense of another nation.

I started feeling kind of frustrated with my inability to come up with a solution to the question of "What do we do about it?" Because, yes, sometimes I do feel pretty damn helpless in the face of everything. Of course, I understand that much of the solution lies with me as an individual working to uncover and eradicate the ways I take advantage of my privilege to the detriment of others, and also examine my actions and reactions to things to ensure what I put out in the world is consistent with what I want to cultivate. (This one is especially tricky when people just plain piss me off sometimes...and it's also tricky when my humor is perceived as being aggression...and it's also really tricky when people see anger and meanness in me when there is none...but that's a whole nother post for a whole nother day.)

Anyway, I couldn't put to words what I felt a tangible solution could be. I couldn't tell her specifically what I felt was a way to contribute to making things better as opposed to making things worse.

And then, on the way to the car, it came to me. I mean, think about my "utopian" vision of the way things ought to be. What person who is thinking clearly would deny that is a bad goal. I mean, aside from the nagging feeling that it's somehow IMPOSSIBLE to achieve it...aside from the fact that we are told that some people just don't DESERVE to get what they need...I really want to know who actually OBJECTS to that being a worthwhile vision.

And that is the answer to my question of what I can contribute. It's simple, really. All I have to do is remind people, over and over, that what I desire - what IS desirable, above all else, is that each and every one of us DESERVES (and is entitled to) having our basic needs met. There is no one who is more deserving of this than anyone else. If nothing else, insisting on this fact might help people to understand how basic the solution is...and how inhumane it is to deny its reality.

ah, high school flashbacks

May 18, 2003

So I'm semi-involved with this group of people who I'm convinced have a ton of unresolved issues from high school that are interfering with our ability to communicate on equal terms. I sense that there's some animosity towards me, but I haven't figured out if I'm playing the role of the freak burnout or if I'm the star soccer player or, worse, if I'm, like, the girlfriend of the quarterback on the football team or something.

It's kinda strange to be seen in the light of someone I really am not. In actuality, I'm the shy, quiet, brainy type who sits and reads books and writes poetry during classtime. I have no animosity for the other people I share a school with, but I have no use for them, either.

hahahahahaha.

Covert Action Quarterly.

May 18, 2003

I like reading old issues of conspiracy theory magazines, because you get to find out that it wasn't actually a theory after all. It's EXACTLY the opposite of reading old issues of mainstream newspapers, because, you know, with the mainstream newspapers it's always later revealed to be UNtrue.

Anyway, I have this back issue of Covert Action Quarterly in my bathroom, and I'm slowly working my way through it. It's their post 9/11 issue, and it has tons of interesting stuff. I'll probably write about more of it once I'm done reading it and have time to research some of the articles further.

I added the Covert Action website to my information roll, though. There's an interesting article about the Congo up, and I haven't had a chance to read the whole thing yet, because it's LENGTHY...but I would like to when I am more clear-headed.

Uncle Sam is YOU.

May 18, 2003

Adam Engel has an excellent rant up at Counterpunch:

That "it's not the American peoples' fault, it's their government" line wore thin years ago. Isn't this supposed to be a government "of the people, by the people and for the people?" Then how do we point the finger at the government if the government is us? Of course, it's not us, not even remotely so, but that doesn't excuse YOU for pretending that it is. There's the "evil," as Dubya, who wrenched that term back from the 19th century, might say. Pretending that "we" are all in this together. "United We Stand." Isn't that what the corporate sponsored billboards and banners say?

So, what to do.

Nothing. Shut yer yap, if YOU know what's good for ya. Eat yer Beef-a-Roni. Suck yer Bud. Chew yer corporate cud, crud, crude, cruel, crucifixion of the real. What's on TV? I hear they're making last week into a movie. Or was it next week, or the week before? Well anyhow, one of these weeks is going to be coming to a theater near YOU. Then on video. They signed Today and Tomorrow to play the leads. Yesterday's in it too, but YOU know how it is in show biz once you're 24 hours old. The roles stop comin. Gotta get what you can. Supporting character's not bad. As Boris Karloff once said, "A Yesterday is a working Day." Something like that. Remember Boris? The guy whose make-up informed YOUR nightmare visions of Frankenstein's monster (that's Mr. Frankenstein, to YOU, Jackson). Speaking of Frankenstein...oh, never mind.

Last night, I came home and there was an American Flag yard sign planted in my backyard. L and the kids had been out at the Violet Crown Festival all day, and they had picked one up. I told L I was going to "deface it." (I just wanted to draw a peace symbol on it) & he told me I had better ask m first, because it was m's sign.

Argh.

So I told m I would put it in the front yard if we could draw a peace symbol on it. He told me, "No...I want you to draw a WAR symbol on it."

"The flag IS a war symbol."

Anyway, I didn't argue with him. I had talked with a wise friend just a week ago about the phases children go through. She was telling me that in her family, everyone was in the military, and all but one of the kids grew up HATING the military. Everyone was frightened for the one who seemed to have a penchant for all things war and military, but as that child grew up, he became even more disgusted than the rest of them, and is now most zealously pro-peace. Her advice was to let things slide and to not push the other way too hard. So, I just kind of shrugged, and we compromised on a place to put the flag that satisfied his need to have the flag up and satisfied my need to not have to advertise it or look at it. I even helped him to plant it.

It's not that I have a problem with the flag or with the soil I walk on/live on. It's that, as my friend W said on Friday, borders don't mean shit. I think he said something about how we are nomads by nature, and all borders are artificial, which I couldn't agree with more. Particularly when the protection of those borders becomes some warped impetus for inflicting harm on people of other nations.

But anyway, yeah. I have to remember, too, that Uncle Sam IS me. That, in spite of my objection, these borders exist and these wars are waged...and what can I do about it?

How Very Cool

May 17, 2003

So, i e-mailed the guy from Cool Beans to see if I could get the track listing of that CD, and he promptly e-mailed me back with way more information than I asked for.

I found out that the singer I'm crushing on is the singer for Queen Cobra. She is, in fact, a woman. Which is fine and everything, but I feel bad for thinking (assuming) it was a man.

AND. I found out that the Matt Kelly who puts out Cool Beans is in fact the very same Matt Kelly I knew back when, you guessed it, I was in high school. What is the deal with this stuff lately? I mean, I had always kind of wondered if he was the same Matt Kelly (because I've read cool beans for years and years) but...there are so many Matt Kelly's out there I thought it would be dumb to assume.

Still, I think it's very cool to be able to talk to him again...I'm looking forward to the update. He said he came to my blog and couldn't figure out who I was. Hahahaha. The joys of a pseudonym. I should have strung him along a little longer before telling him who I am, but I came right out with it like a big dork.

So, it's nice to know that people I liked way back when are still doing cool shit now. Cheers, Matt Kelly. Good ta know ya.

Not a one-hit wonder

May 17, 2003

Iron mey proves his (I'm making an assumption that "Tom" is a guy - but I could be wrong) worth again by posting this spoof of what television media would look like in print:

Hello, and welcome to the column. Those of you who are regular readers know that we write about news, and so we shall. Coming up later in this paragraph, a sentence ending with a preposition. Also in this report, startling news about secondhand smoke. And still to come, we ask the important question: "automatic weapons -- can your children still afford them?" All that, coming up after the break, when we bring you more news you can't get enough of.

He rocks. Go read.

Now, where did I leave that FREE PRESS?

May 17, 2003

Ah, yet another story that was inaccurately reported during the war, but is now coming to light after the fact. I think most of us were suspicious of the events surrounding the "rescue" of Jessica Lynch. It was just too "made for TV movie" for me - particularly the part where the helpless woman is saved by heroic male soldiers.

"We heard the noise of helicopters," says Dr Anmar Uday. He says that they must have known there would be no resistance. "We were surprised. Why do this? There was no military, there were no soldiers in the hospital.

"It was like a Hollywood film. They cried, 'Go, go, go', with guns and blanks and the sound of explosions. They made a show - an action movie like Sylvester Stallone or Jackie Chan, with jumping and shouting, breaking down doors." All the time with the camera rolling. The Americans took no chances, restraining doctors and a patient who was handcuffed to a bed frame.

Anyway, yeah. I'm finding it difficult to read about/write about the current occupation. It's all such a fucking sham.

I know this topic is tiresome for David Nunez (who I certainly hope is not wasting his precious time reading my babble) and it's not news to anyone, but I thought I'd mention that the media, particularly the television and radio news, are supposed to serve the people, not the corporate interests that control our government.

sigh.

Really fucking cool song.

May 17, 2003

I've been listening to this song over and over and over again, without really having a clear idea of why I think it's so cool. Yes, it's loud and raucous and unintelligible. This is not a novelty to me. I think it's just that the guy is totally full-on screaming and it's totally raw. But I'm not sure why I am so addicted to this particular song.

I suspect it has something to do with that AWESOME shriek the singer does after the first chorus. It makes me all swoony. I totally have a crush on the singer for this band from just listening to this song.

But, because it's on that cool beans compilation, I have no clue who it is or what the song is called.

Please download it, don't stream it...then tell me how much you love it:

Really Cool Fucking Song

way back journal - circa 1986

May 17, 2003

I just posted my journal entries (read, semi-awful poetry) from approximately this time of the year in 1986. Go read them, have a good laugh at my expense. hahahahaha

a good day.

May 16, 2003

i would say it was a perfect day, but then I'd have to go dig up my pj harvey is this desire cd and that would be somewhat distracting.

but yeah, it was a good day, a perfect day, even. One of many that I seem to be experiencing lately. Except for the fact that it's hotter'n'hell outside & except for the fact that I didn't get to take the bus everywhere because I was late getting out of the house, I would say things went rather well today.

I woke up and kinda hung around for a few hours this morning before L woke up and sent me on my merry way for my mama time. I picked something up for him at the copy shop and dropped it off with one of his clients, and then went to flightpath to hang out with W, who is the not-quite-so-long-lost friend from Austin I mentioned seeing at a very small party a few weeks ago. (in fact, there was only one other guest besides me and him...and kids).

It was really awesome to talk to W again. He's changed a lot in the years since I first met him, and all for the better, as far as I can tell. Not that he wasn't a stellar human being before, but I felt somehow more comfortable around him today than I remember having felt around him before. Of course this could be due to growth and/or change on my part. But the 4 or so hours that we hung out seemed to fly by. He had lots of interesting stuff to say about all sorts of topics. We started out at Flightpath, got some lunch at kim phung and then, driving around trying to figure out where to hang out next, we just ended up going out for coffee again at Pacha. I guess it was a very Austin kind of day. Full of conversation and coffee, and...oh yeah, I took him to a comic book store, too. I must have conveniently "forgotten" about that due to the fact that I have a self-imposed DON'T BUY SHIT policy, and comic book stores have always been like paper-pulp smack to me when it comes to violating that policy.

However, I did manage to end the day having only bought a cup of coffee, an inexpensive and delicious lunch, and a small bottle of juice. Not a single comic, even though I was practically drooling over several of them. I just should not even approach comic book stores. I really shouldn't.

I need to start doing a zine again so I can get shit for free. I miss the influx of free books and records and zines. Perhaps when the kids are a bit older, I'll be able to make time for zinedom, but the idea seems very far away from me right now.

At any rate, no comix for me, and I took w home so he could meet up with his daughter & then I went home and relieved L, made dinner for the kids. Did some cleaning up, and put cy to bed early - at around 8. After that, m and I spent some time playing catch and some time cleaning his room, and then I read a little bit while he played with the computer.

At some point in there, I was overcome with the urge to call my friend David. David, who I haven't spoken with in way too long, but who I think about frequently. David. Oh, dear David. Anyway, I felt this sudden need to talk to him, and I'm such a fucking dork about keeping track of peoples' phone numbers (it's truly a wonder that I stay in touch with ANYONE) I didn't have his number! Bah! So I fired off a quick and desperate e-mail to him (certainly you knew I would have his e-mail address!) telling him I wanted to talk to him (just to hear his voice) and didn't have his number & then I realized I had only to go to his web page and his number is listed right there.

I'm sure at some point I had thought it unwise for him to list his phone number on his site, but it sure came in handy. I was able to talk to him and get some sense of what he's up to. *sigh* David. He seems to be doing pretty good...planning a trip. Being Davidy. And it's always nice to check in with him. To know he's still around.

(As a testament to how idiotic I'm feeling right now, I almost just put my phone number on this page, knowing full well that a) I never answer the fucking phone anyway and b) I'm a total phone-a-phobe not to mention c) it makes it too easy for people to figure out where I live & the last thing I need is for some disgruntled blogger to show up on my doorstep waiting to kick my sorry ass. hahahahahha)

So, yeah. That was our nice and mellow night, which followed a vivacious and spirited day. I'm probably going to spent the rest of the evening dancing around the living room and cleaning up here and there and surfing around and stuff. There's this intercultural communication thingy going on tomorrow, and I might leave work early to go to it. Sunday, I'm meeting with someone from work for coffee. Life is pretty fucking cool.

Have your fun while you're alive
You won't get nothing when you die
Have a good time all the time
Because you won't get nothing when you die
(chumbawamba)

& you know what? I gotta go find that pj harvey cd.

Emotion vs. Logic

May 16, 2003

Note: i'm just dumping this here unedited because I have to put my mama cape back on...I'm certain there's a lot that needs to be clarified and I know there are one or two redundant segments, but I wanted to put this out here now...because I'm obsessive about updating. Feel free to request clarification where needed...it would probably actually be helpful to me in figuring all of this out.

Emotion V. Logic and other sexist bifurcations

I've inadvertently slammed into a topic of debate that is one of my personal (least) favorites. I'm trying to avoid this kind of conflict right now, because life is far too awesome to bog myself down in arguing with people, and I feel like I need to refuel for the inevitable reality of future debates and skirmishes — re-energize from past debates and skirmishes.

But I can't pass up this opportunity to talk a little bit about why emotion is not inferior to logic, even though many people want us to believe that it is. And why, in fact, emotion is really its own logic, is as valid as any other type of logic.

First, I think it's important that we define emotion and logic. Emotion are the expressions of instinctual feelings. Intuition and passion combine to allow us to express our emotions about a particular topic. Logic is ruled by the brain, where emotion is ruled by the gut, heart, or soul—depending on what you believe.

The problem that many people face when considering the validity of emotion is that, while emotions are portrayed as blind and thoughtless, there is such a thing as emotional intelligence. Just as there is a thing as logical fallacy and ignorance. Emotional intelligence is the awareness of how we as humans interact with our emotions, and how they play into the decisions we make and the opinions we hold. In my experience, it is far more common to make a logical assumption that is unaware of the emotional ramifications behind it than it is to make an emotional assumption without logical awareness.

The problem is that we, as humans, tend to divide the two. The reality is that one can't have logic without emotion, and, in spite of what some would like us to believe, one can't express emotion without some degree of logic. They are not separate, but it tends to be easier to ignore the emotional aspect of an argument due to our culture's bias against emotion. Nothing is objective—everything we experience and express is filtered through our personal experiences and doused with a healthy dose of our emotional response. Newscasters on the evening News shows can attempt to express journalistic opinions with straight faces and give the appearance of being emotionless, but to pretend that there is no feeling or bias behind anyone's version of reality. Feelings are, in fact, facts, and whatever anyone believes or feels is as valid as whatever anyone else wants to pass off as factual, logical reality.

So, why is there a bias against emotive writing and in favor of so-called logical (read, "unbiased") writing? It's my opinion that this is due to the sexist nature of our culture. Emotions are generally relegated to the realm of femininity. Labeling emotional arguments as inferior or invaled is a very quick and easy way for the male-dominated media to silence women or men who are considered "effeminate." This is not to say that all women or "effeminate" men are necessarily emotional writers, but if one side of the argument can claim superiority through their "logical" arguments, it's easy for that side to gain further advantage by labeling the other side of the debate as "emotional." The reality is that there is no difference between emotion and fact. Logic has its own emotion—and emotion is, as previously stated, just another form of logic.
The person who has the power is generally the one who can claim the right to logic. And that leads into another topic I would like to examine about people whose views are supported by the status quo and the assumption that their views do not need to be qualified or defended, but I think I've been talking about writing about that for some time now.

In fact, if you read all media sources as both emotional and logical, you are better able to navigate attempts at manipulation. The important thing to remember is that you must cultivate emotional intelligence to better and more fully respond to the world around you.

And for David, in response to his response:

a) I don't consider myself a warblogger to any degree, so I'm assuming you are not talking about me when he refers to warbloggers. But I don't see the warbloggers that I read as being people who merely link to each other and pull stuff out of their ass without researching in very valid ways what they are addressing. I have freely admitted that I pull stuff out of my ass all of the time, but I consider my blog to be more geared towards self-examination than anything else. I'm just fortunate to have a small audience to either tell me I'm full of shit or that I'm right on - and I consider both responses to be a blessing.

b) How is it a cheap shot that I equate your definition of uninformed with disagreeing with you, and it's not a cheap shot for you to say that warbloggers are arrogant, self-referential, uneducated twits? I don't get that. So, not only is uninformed=not in agreement with David, but cheap shot=anything except for what David says. I'll admit it was a shot, and I half-regretted saying it, but sincerely think that's what you are putting across in your comments.

c) I happen to find independent journalists MORE reliable than corporate journalists BECAUSE there is less money involved. But I have a different opinion of money, corporations, and capitalism than you do, so it's obvious where those differences in opinion lie. Of course, I never made the claim that you are ignorant and/or uninformed, even though you made that claim (at least in a vague way) of me...who's making the cheap shots here?

d) Explain to me why it's invalid to say that emotion vs logic is not at its core a sexist issue. You can say that sexism doesn't exist and that my acknowledgment of it is alarmist and/or overblown, but that doesn't erase the fact that we live in a world that is still dominated by men, and therefore much of the time the rules are set by men.

I love many, many men in my life, and just because most/all of them happen to have been inundated with sexist ideas about how people ought to interact and define what's valid and what is not does not mean that i think they are all vile and/or malicious. I explained this in no uncertain terms the last time we had the sexism debate. Defensive much?

Oh, by the way, how DARE you imply that I need to get you a glass of water. Get yr own DAMN glass of water. hahahahahahaha ;) (um, that was humor.)

e) We also have very different views of what "experts" are. I talk to the experts all of the time. They are the people who experience this world, and I enjoy talking about their experiences of it. Of course, your way of learning and educating yourself are "more valid" than mine somehow because your sources are deemed "more valid." That's fuckin' ridiculous. As I explained above, every source has an agenda and a bias, and no one can claim to hold a monopoly on the truth. The truth and alternate ideas and learning can be found anywhere anyone is willing to a) find it and b) do enough self-examination to figure out how and why it conflicts with what and who we are programmed to be. This includes blogland, as well as books, as well as person-to-person conversations, as well as just about anywhere that one might imagine. There's no special magic place where learning happens...and in my mind, there really is no such thing as an "expert" - particularly as defined by the person with the most years of institutional education behind their opinion. It's all biased, nuanced, agenda-based thinking. All of it.

But anyway...

I love Jhames.

May 16, 2003

Because he rocks, but also because he is SO. DAMN. FUNNY. This entry had me laughing out loud, and m kept saying "What's so funny, mom?"

Our next date was the deal breaker: the make-out date. Jacob lived with his grandmother in a small apartment outside of Denver, and she was rarely ever home. Obviously, this was the perfect locale for both of us to get a little closer. I drove to his grandmother's apartment and discovered something truly shocking, and to this day I still recall the nightmarish visuals of that abode: clowns. Jacob's grandmother loved clowns, specifically those of the circus variety. I walked into an apartment that was covered in clown paraphernalia: from ceramics to music boxes to I don't know what the hell you would call them. There were mirrors on the walls, open curio cabinets against those, and God only knows how many different varieties of circus clowns in every nook and cranny. I wouldn't exactly describe this room as a place that is guaranteed to increase one's sexual libido, but I lived with my dad and Jacob lived with his grandmother who wasn't home and left us alone with all her miniature demons of laughter. In situations like this, it is best to keep one's eyes closed and just aim for the face—thereby avoiding any direct eye contact with ceramic horrors.

There's more...go read it. hahahahaha...aw, man. It's great to have a good chuckle first thing in the morning.

a parenting conundrum

May 16, 2003

m: Mom! c thinks MY hand is HIS!

Can someone please tell me how I'm to resolve this one, first thing in the morning. Because, quite frankly, it just made my head explode.

hahahahahaha

Oh, good fucking lord.

May 16, 2003

The very same austin people who were all pissed off at my objection to the article about blogging that included exactly 2 female bloggers...are now pissed off about an article about warblogging in the current issue of the Chronicle because...I don't even KNOW why.

But, whatever. Yeah. It's totally invalid and unthinkable to point out media bias against women, but we'll all flock together to, um, be mad at someone who DARES to call indymedia a blog! The fucking nerve!

grumble grumble grumble...I'm not even going to bother pinging the austin bloggers site with this one. I don't think I can muster the energy to try to explain anything to these fucking people, nor do I think it's actually WORTH my energy to do so.

I'm just going to quietly go to sleep and pretend I never went there.

P.S. There were no women mentioned in the article about warblogging, either. hahahahaha.

wma to mp3?

May 16, 2003

Does anyone know of a good tool that will convert wma files to mp3 format? I have a song that I would LOVE to make available for download...& if I can translate easily, I might consider throwing a song out here on a regular basis.

Another blog-o-versary..

May 15, 2003

Has come and gone. I think it was May 8, 2002 that kd got me hooked up with surreally.net and pea finished the design for the original incarnation of full bleed (which was once a lot more lime green, but we had a css fiasco at some point and never really fixed it because..well, just because). I was going to do a retrospective of the best posts of that blog, but I think I'll have to wait until I'm significantly more bored than I am right now. They're all right here on the randomwalks site now, all of the monthly archives from 2002 would be the original full bleed. Some ok stuff to be read, too, if I do say so myself.

Anyway, Yay!

Yay!

May 15, 2003

I put those pictures of me up last night in hopes that it would prompt me to get the new templates moved over, and it worked! New template, new design. I still haven't added all of the features I would like to add, and the page might be too wide for some of you (I still can't figure out how to define the columns with percentages rather than pixels) and I need to figure out where to put my blog crushes, but other than that...I think it's pretty groovy, don't you?

Ack...I need to fix the category archives, too...they're not pointing to the right place or something.

I think the banner still needs some work. Julie did a great job, but it looks kind of out of place. Maybe because it's centered? I dunno. Maybe I need to add some more pictures to it.

I'll be fiddling with this for days. Weeks, maybe. We'll see how it goes.

In the meantime, I am also psyched because I'll be helping Rosa Maria with her zine workshop at Ladyfest and she got me a wristband. So, cool. I hope I will be able to attend some good workshops and seminars. And Tribe 8 is playing! Rock.

Can someone do me a favor?

May 15, 2003

I figured out that this compilation CD that I've been grooving on came with an issue of Cool Beans zine. The food issue. And I wanna copy the cd so I can listen to it on my computer & stuff, but there are no track listings on the cd, and I have no idea where the zine is. AND, I can't get to the cool beans site from work, because it's categorized as EXTREME for some reason.

If anyone is bored or not busy, can you go over there and see if you can find the track listing for the free cd from the food issue? I'll be yr best friend for life!

War on Tornadoes

May 15, 2003

I have to agree with both Brooke and Jared on this one. Iron mey goes directly to the blogroll. This post is sheer genius.

Bush went on to suggest a link between the tornadoes and other evil weather groups including late spring frost and "really, really big hailstones." The administration's meteorology experts continue to search for proof of the connection, which presently is only circumstantial.

The American Sentimentalist...

May 15, 2003

I'm digging this blog. Excellent, lengthy, insightful posts. To put it in the words of the blogger himself:

In a sense, American Sentimentalism is a kind of sentimentalism about America. In it's purest form, it's a belief about the still-possible redeeming qualities of what used to be called America. Not it's arrogance, or it's sense of exceptionalism or triumphalism - but what was once so special about the place, and its peoples, and what could once be said out loud without cynicism or regret. Ideas about democracy and inclusiveness, about prosperity touching all, about a future that meant something more than a repeat of the mistakes of the past. And about a place where the better part of human nature was allowed to take root and flourish.

Go read it.

Dru Blood For a Day?

May 15, 2003

OK, look. I'm desperate. Aaron (who, by the way, has posted the best link of the week) and I are scheming up (OK, I'm the one who is scheming...Aaron's just kind of listening and offering suggestions to humor me, I think) ways for me to raise money so I can get to Chicago after my DC trip (which I am definitely, without a doubt, taking) and I think we've hit upon a plan: Dru Blood for a day!

How much would you pay to be Dru Blood for a day?

I probably should take this opportunity to thank the people who have already donated to the trip fund. I never know what the protocol for that is...like if people want to remain anonymous...but I do appreciate the help. I get the notification late because I have paypal set up to go to a weird e-mail account, so it takes me awhile to respond sometimes. But I thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You know who you are.

Molly tells it like it is...

May 15, 2003

There's not much I can add to this article. She's just so great. I copped the link from Bartcop.

The latest flap is over a congressional redistricting map that is so bad it's actually funny. Of course, the thing was passed without public hearings, because as Rep. Joe Crabb explained, "The rest of us would have a very difficult time if we were out in an area -- other than Austin or other English-speaking areas -- to be able to have committee hearings or to be able to converse with people that did not speak English." Sometimes you have to wonder what planet these people are from.

That was the proverbial straw for the Democrats, 53 of whom left the state or went into hiding Sunday to break the quorum, thus bringing legislative business to a halt. They've already been dubbed the Killer D's, after the tradition of the Killer Bees in 1979. Believe me, stopping the legislature from functioning at this point is high public service.

Speaker Craddick called it a "stunt." The R's have been pulling stunts every day of this session, and don't write it off as payback for heavy-handed Democratic rule. Speaker Pete Laney ran a fair House, and everyone knew it -- these people are disgracing themselves and the state.

Now, fortified with extra irony

May 14, 2003

Goneaway posted a link to this article earlier this week, and Michelle was smart enough to link to it, but I waited until today for some reason...& i'm quoting the same thing he quoted, because it's just too...perfect. It totally describes everything that's fucked up about our current administration with absolutely no effort whatsoever.

About 340 workers at an Omaha plastics factory will lose pay or have to work next Saturday to make up for time lost during a visit by President Bush today to promote his ''jobs and growth plan,'' their boss said this weekend.

Brad Crosby, president of Airlite Plastics Co., said about 170 of his workers will lose a full day's pay and another 170 will be docked for part of their pay for today unless they make up the time they spend attending Bush's speech.

Airlite, which will shut down for its first shift and part of the second shift to provide a photogenic backdrop for Bush's speech, will be the afternoon stop on a two-day swing by Bush to pressure senators to support a large tax cut as the measure heads to the Senate floor.

Updates on the Rebel Dems

May 14, 2003

Mother Jones has a good update on the "runaway dems." According to the Austin American-Statesman, they were found eating pot roast at the Denny's in the hotel lobby.

Rep. Jim Dunnam, D-Waco, the leader of the group in Ardmore, said the Democrats just grew frustrated that the House was not paying attention to major issues, instead taking up congressional redistricting, which Democrats deemed both punitive and unnecessary.

"We just felt like we should be dealing with the priorities," Dunnam said. "They're just not governing. Any excuse not to do school finance, and the budget is a fiasco. And all of a sudden we got redistricting on our plate. And the only reason for redistricting is Tom DeLay," the U.S. House majority leader driving the redistricting effort.

The Houston Chronicle reports with an eye towards the future of this bill should it get through the house:

Even if the redistricting bill gets out of the House, it may still face problems in the Senate.

Sen. Gonzalo Barrientos, D-Austin, said Monday he has a dozen senators committed to blocking Senate debate. Senate rules require that two-thirds of members present vote to debate -- 21 votes if all 31 senators are present.

Sen. Rodney Ellis, D-Houston, said the House walkout may give wavering Democratic senators the courage of their convictions if the plan gets out of the House.

"It may help to give us a bit more backbone," Ellis said.

I think this quote from the same article implies total wrong-thinking on the part of a politician:

DeLay believes the Texas congressional districts should match voting patterns that have given the GOP control of the legislature and every statewide office.

"What's at stake here is the most effective and accurate representation for Texans," DeLay said Monday. "Republicans are the majority party in both Washington and Austin and are best able to deliver on Texans' priorities and represent their beliefs."

So, what I'm hearing is that once a party is in power, they should ensure they remain in power by redistributing the votes to favor them? How about you just pass laws and promote ideas that serve the greatest good? There's a novel idea!

I'm also feeling like public opinion is somewhat skewed by current events...if the republicans are so certain they are the best representatives for the people of Texas and the nation, they ought not be concerned about redistricting.

A woman on my homeschool list who stated that her husband had been unhappy about the walkout until he actually LOOKED at the redistricting plan. Their small rural district was going to be lumped in with a larger metropolitan district. I need to e-mail her a right on. She said she got one of those recorded phone messages today imploring her to call the hotel where the dems are staying and tell them to come back. She said she was glad they sent her that message, because now she can call and tell them to "fight the good fight!"

If you are from Texas, please be sure to send your support to these courageous House members. I would really like to find a picture of the redistricting map, but I can't. Here's a Houston Chronicle article that talks about some of the changes, though.

Phone numbers of the reps, from a move on action alert:

> Roberto Alonzo, Dallas - (512) 463-0408
> Kevin Bailey, Houston - (512) 463-0924
> Lon Burnam, Fort Worth - (512) 463-0740
> Gabi Canales, Alice - (512) 463-0645
> Jaime Capelo, Corpus Christi - (512) 463-0462
> Joaquin Castro, San Antonio - (512) 463-0669
> Garnet cman, Houston - (512) 463-0524
> Robby Cook, Eagle Cook - (512) 463-0682
> Yvonne Davis, Dallas - (512) 463-0598
> Joe Deshotel, Port Arthur - (512) 463-0662
> Dawnna Dukes, Austin - (512) 463-0506
> Jim Dunnam, Waco - (512) 463-0508
> Harold Dutton, Houston - (512) 463-0510
> Craig Eiland, Galveston - (512) 463-0502
> Dan Ellis, Livingston - (512) 463-0570
> Juan Escobar, Kingsville -
> David Farabee, Wichita Falls - (512) 463-0534
> Jessica Farrar, Houston - (512) 463-0620
> Pete Gallego, Alpine - (512) 463-0566
> Timoteo Garza, Eagle Pass - (512) 463-0194
> Ryan Guillen, Rio Grande City - (512) 463-0416
> Scott Hochberg, Houston - (512) 463-0492
> Terri Hodge, Dallas - (512) 463-0586
> Mark Homer, Paris - (512) 463-0650
> Chuck Hopson, Jacksonville - (512) 463-0592
> Jesse Jones, Dallas -(512) 463-0664
> Pete Laney, Hale Center -(512) 463-0604
> John Mabry, Waco - (512) 463-0135
> Trey Martinez-Fischer, San Antonio - (512) 463-0616
> Ruth Jones McClendon, San Antonio -(512) 463-0708
> Jim McReynolds, Lufkin - (512) 463-0490
> Jose Menendez, San Antonio - (512) 463-0634
> Joe Moreno, Houston - (512) 463-0614
> Paul Moreno, El Paso - (512) 463-0638
> Elliott Naishtat, Austin - (512) 463-0668
> Rick Noriega, Houston - (512) 463-0732
> Rene Oliveira, Brownsville - (512) 463-0640
> Dora Olivo, Missouri City - (512) 463-0494
> Aaron Pena, Edinburg -(512) 463-0426
> Joe Pickett, El Paso - (512) 463-0596
> Robert Puente, San Antonio - (512) 463-0452
> Chente Quintanilla, Tornillo -(512) 463-0613
> Richard Raymond, Laredo - (512) 463-0558
> Allan Ritter, Nederland - (512) 463-0706
> Eddie Rodriguez, Austin - (512) 463-0674
> Patrick Rose, Dripping Springs - (512) 463-0647
> Jim Solis, Harlingen - (512) 463-0606
> Barry Telford, DeKalb - (512) 463-0692
> Senfronia Thompson, Houston - (512) 463-0720
> Carlos Uresti, San Antonio -(512) 463-0714
> Mike Villarreal, San Antonio - (512) 463-0532
> Miguel Wise, Weslaco - (512) 463-0530
> Steve Wolens, Dallas - (512) 463-0746
> Al Edwards, Houston - (512) 463-0518
> Helen Giddings, Dallas -(512) 463-0953
> Glenn Lewis, Fort Worth - (512) 463-0716
> Sylvester Turner, Houston - (512) 463-0554
> Norma Chavez, El Paso - (512) 463-0622
> Kino Flores, Mission - (512) 463-0704

Contace move on if you make a call:
http://moveon.org/txcalls.html?id=1362-620259-kB3tG2BWWmt2Zbyuo1Mp4g

Update for the sake of updating

May 14, 2003

So, I'm going to co-op in a little while, and I won't be around a computer for most of the day, and I feel compelled to update the blog, even though I don't have anything to say...or at least I don't have words for the many things I'd like to say.

There's something very, very wrong with this.

Anyway, here are some of my incomplete thoughts:

• I wanna talk about screeching weasel, ben weasel, and my life as a zinester in Chicago
• There's this billboard advertising psychiatric treatment for depression that someone really needs to turn into an anti-capitalist ad. &perhaps there's something about how society wants to blame the individual for "depression" when some degree of depression is a direct result of the system. Not all, mind you, but some.
• Damn this Bim Sherman cd is GOOD.
• I put too much honey in my chili today, and it tastes...not as good as I'd like it to. I'm having some serious issues in the kitchen lately.
• Rosa-Maria is doing a zine workshop at Ladyfest and she wants me to help out. I have no idea what I would say. I haven't published a zine in about 3 years, but I've considered doing a paper broadside to go along with Clothespins for the Revolution whenever we get that relaunched.
• There's that template issue that I need to take care of. Dunno if I'll have time tonight at work.
• c is once again waking up every few hours to nurse and/or snuggle. I'm starting to get impatient with his sleep patterns. I'm starting to feel that at 2.5 years old, he should be able to go to sleep on his own and STAY ASLEEP.
• At the same time, I have an awareness that he needs to be in close proximity with me. He NEEDS the touch, and he is simply good at getting what he needs. I know he's not being manipulative. I know he really needs this.
• I hate it when I argue with myself like that.
• I got in a fight with m today because he wasn't cleaning up the kitchen the "right way." I realized I was being unreasonable and apologized. Two months ago, it would have been inconceivable to think that he would clean the kitchen at all...what the fuck am I doing equivocating about the RIGHT way?
• Apparently, the kids don't mind about the too much honey thing, as they have gone back for seconds and thirds.
• Once again, the morning has disappeared out from under me. I need to leave for co-op in half an hour, and I still need to hang the laundry and clean up the living room. One of those things is not going to happen.
• My house is a mess because I keep procrastinating cleaning until night time (my alone time) and then just as I'm getting up to do the cleaning, cy starts to cry, so I have to go comfort him.
• Perhaps there's something to that...
  Posted at 11:56 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

  Wrapping up Mother's Day

  May 14, 2003

  Trish Wilson does an excellent job of wrapping up feminist issues as they pertain to mothering and mother's day. You absolutely must read it. Now.

  Here's an excerpt, but this is a long and multi-issue post, so please go read the entire thing:

  Who told her that being a mother required that she make cupcakes and handle last-minute clothing emergencies? Why did she not question the reluctance of businesses to accommodate the needs of mothers with sick children, as opposed to blaming herself for feeling a need to race out of the office? She has every right to feel stretched thin. However, rather than take issue with an American society that is so quick to blame mothers when things are rough, she blamed herself. In feeding the guilt trip thrown upon motherhood, she contributed to it.

  I must first admit that I have not yet seen the Mount Holyoke study. I've seen what I suspect are media spin. An article entitled "Whiny Kids, Lousy Gifts Drag Down Mother's Day" gives the impression that moms are ungrateful and prone to complaining. If mothers are disappointed in Mothers' Day, I suspect it may have more to do with how they are treated year round in their personal lives, in the media, and in the political spectrum. Mother's Day puts a spotlight on that poor treatment.
  

  Posted at 12:07 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

  Juarez

  May 13, 2003

  I hope it's ok to quote this in its entirety. I looked at the author's website, and this story isn't there, so I couldn't link to it...but I think it's important to be heard, so I'm apologizing in advance:

  JUAREZ MOTHERS CRY OUT FOR AN END TO THE MURDERS OF THEIR CHILDREN By >David Bacon > > GOMEZ PALACIOS, MEXICO (5/12/03) -- Last week Mexico's Federal >government finally agreed to begin investigating the deaths and >disappearances of hundreds of young women in Ciudad Juarez, the largest >city on the border. From 1996 to the fall of 2002, 284 women are known >to have been murdered, and 450 more have simply disappeared, according >to a group organized by their mothers, Our Children Must Return Home. > At least 90 of their bodies have turned up in the desert >outskirts of town, buried in shallow graves. Many were raped before >their murders. Their average age was 16, and the youngest was only >10 years old. > A wave murders of this size would normally provoke a huge >manhunt, but the Chihuahua authorities have been strangely reluctant >to mount one. And until last week, the Fox administration in Mexico >City was silent as well, refusing to intervene, and saying that >murder is a state crime under Mexican law, not a Federal one. The >mothers were horrified by the fate of their daughters, but they were >enraged by this inaction, accompanied by claims that no authority >really was responsible for protecting the women of Juarez. > Rosario Acosta, mother of one of the disappeared women, >accused the Chihuahua prosecutors of trying to silence the mothers >when they demanded action. "The state won't even recognize this as a >serious social problem, while at the same time it tries to undermine >public support for us," she asserted. She accused state authorities >of covering up inaction by stirring up hostility toward the thousands >of migrants who have come to Juarez from states in the south, looking >for work. "They claim that immigrants to Juarez are responsible for >the increasing insecurity in our city," Acosta said. > When the state wouldn't act, the mothers turned to the >Federal government. Last fall a group marched from the border to >Mexico City itself, a journey of hundreds of miles. The march >scandalized the public in the capital, and began building pressure on >the Fox administration to take action. Through the Coalition for >Justice in the Maquiladoras and other cross-border networks, the >mothers' organization also got human rights and womens rights groups >to send letters to the US Congress, asking it to pressure Mexico for >answers. > Finally, last week Jose Luis Vasconcelos, the federal >prosecutor in charge of organized crime, announced that he would >investigate rumors that some of the women were murdered in order to >sell their internal organs. This bizarre claim, supposedly made by a >street vendor, is doubted by many observers. But whether true or >not, the allegation of some kind of organized gang activity served to >provide the legal pretext Fox needed to intervene. > The mothers, however, don't think that a small conspiracy >could account for such a large number of deaths and disappearances, >especially without being discovered. Instead, they believe that >larger social forces are responsible for creating a climate of >extreme violence against women. Juarez has become a huge metropolis >built on the labor of tens of thousands of young women in the >maquiladoras. Overwhelmingly, they are migrants, who have traveled >north from cities, small villages, and rural areas in central and >southern Mexico. > "While the city and its industry depend on them totally, >they are important only as productive workers, not as human beings," >Acosta explains. "If they disappear, they can and will be easily >replaced. The low value placed on the life of women is reflected by >the lack of response to this cry for justice, the inability to stop >the crimes. It's a way of saying in other words, in attitudes: 'We >don't care that women keep disappearing and being murdered.' And >placing a low value on women's lives has demeaned the basic right to >live for everybody." > Government inaction, the mothers say, comes from a desire not >to discourage foreign investment in the maquiladoras. Residents of >the border are being treated as throwaway people, whether they're >factory laborers in the plants, or barrio residents living along dirt >streets in cardboard houses, with no sewers, running water or >electricity. > "We've opened our border to the U.S., in order to allow big >multinationals (more than 400 of them) to settle in our city," Acosta >says. "We give them a permit to do absolutely anything. They don't >have to guarantee the most elementary aspects of life, from wages >women can live on, to basic service in our communities. They don't >even have to provide security measures to their female workers when >they commute back and forth from their homes. When people are poor, >without have access to material things beyond their basic needs, they >have less ability to fight for themselves," she concludes. "These >women have been vulnerable to assassinations and disappearances >precisely because they don't know their rights, due to their economic >situation." > It's not enough, the mothers charge, to find the culprits >responsible for the murders and disappearances. There must be a >change in the economic and political status of the women who work in >the maquiladoras, so that they can protect themselves and bring a >stop to the wave of violence against them.

  In looking for a link to this article, I found all sorts of news articles that point to the corrupt Mexican government as the culprit for these crimes, but this article asks a very important question. If US corporations are reaping the profit from these factories, aren't they also responsible? Aren't we all?

  ***

  While looking for sources of this article, I found this article...which asks yet more important questions about the role of corporations in issues of human rights abuses:

  While both China and Iraq are gross human rights violators and possessors of weapons of mass destruction, the United States is already getting what it wants from China. One could even argue that the oppressive government of China is helping U.S. corporations by maintaining ultimate control over its workers. I haven't heard of any wage negotiations between workers and employers in China. After the U.S. and British attack on Iraq, these governments and their oil-related corporations have what they want: free access to Iraqi oil.

  I can't help but wonder if the United States and Great Britain would have attacked Iraq if it had no substantial oil reserves and supplied cheap labor to make shoes and American flags.

  Like China.
  

  Posted at 11:49 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

  argh. insert sounds of tearing out hair.

  May 13, 2003

  One of my favorite instructors was having a very good discussion with the class about the current Texas State Legislator walk-out. He was explaining in a very non-biased way what is going on and where to get more information. Unfortunately, most of the sources of information about this event that are easy to get to are talking about how the Democratic legislators are cowardly and babyish and pouting because they aren't getting their way.

  But G, the instructor, explained the process of redistricting. He explained that redistricting happens after the census, and if the legislature doesn't do it, then the courts take it into their hands. And the courts defined the current district and normally those districts are not redefined for another ten years. He explained that Delay was concerned about the court-defined districts, and that he requested the texas republicans (who hold a majority in the house and senate) push forth a bill to redistrict. A bill that would require only a majority vote to pass. A bill that would be almost guaranteed to pass due to the fact that, you know, the republicans hold a majority. A bill that, conveniently, would create more republican districts.

  So, one of the clients spoke up and said "So, basically, the democrats are being a bunch of cowardly babies who want to take their ball and go home because they aren't getting their way."

  Now, I certainly wouldn't characterize our clients as unintelligent. They are, by and large, intelligent people capable of drawing their own conclusions about things. And I admired the way G was remaining unbiased in his explanation of the event. But the conclusion that the democrats were being babies was so FUCKING SCRIPTED by the media that I couldn't stand there and be silent any longer. But I definitely did not want to say "No, you are wrong and you suck." (hahahaha)

  So I asked some questions. I asked "So, it's TYPICAL for the courts to draw the district boundaries after the census?" G said "yes, but it's not AGAINST THE RULES for the leg to redraw them...it's just not typically done." I said "And these court-drawn districts are the districts that we currently use?" G said "yes, but keep in mind that the courts are also partisan and political." and I said "And these are TEXAS courts that draw the districts?" G said "yes." I said "Thanks for answering my questions." hahahaha. (I know G feels the same way I feel about this issue, and I'm totally in awe of his ability to keep his viewpoint out of the discussion.)

  Here's my point. If you are going to characterize the legislators who walked out as cowardly babies for doing so, at least understand that they did so at some degree of personal and political risk. Then look at the republicans, who have also attempted to go against the normal way of doing things by redrawing districts that have been established by the Texas State courts.

  The republican way is a sneaky political manouver that was only attempted because they knew they had the majority and could assume a minimum amount of risk.

  Who are the fucking babies now?

  Posted at 8:00 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

  I am really fucking spoiled

  May 13, 2003

  So I get to work and I'm totally bummed to realize that I've left my power cord for my laptop at home. I have about an hour and a half of juice left in the laptop, and I'm bummed. Why am I bummed? considering I have three classrooms full of computers here at work?

  Well, because what if someone wants to AIM me? I can only use AIM on my laptop.

  Maybe I should actually CLEAN the OFFICE tonight. Nyeesh.

  (P.S. if anyone wants to AIM me...just e-mail first, and I'll turn the laptop on for you.)

  (Now I can't decide if I'm really spoiled or just incredibly nerdy)

  Posted at 5:39 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

  More Music and some notes.

  May 13, 2003

  So, I failed at two attempts to make lunch today (got the calzones started too late, and then I burned the oil I was going to stir fry veggies in for some green rice) so I got in the car and drove to the store to get sandwich fixin's, which is always L's very wise suggestion for any meal that needs to be quick and easy. m was already experiencing serious blood sugar meltdown, so I beat it out the door, and came home with a stash of good kaiser rolls and various other sandwich goodies.

  On the way to the store, I listened to my Screeching Weasel tape that I've been keeping in the car. It's the Boogada Boogada Boogada LP, and it's one of my favorites, probably because it was such an important and fun time in my life when it came out. So, blasting that tape and singing along, I got to thinking that, damnit if this right now herenow is also one of my favorite times of my life. It was so fun dancing around the living room having a band with the kiddos, and when I came home, after lunch, me and cy swung in the hammock for awhile in the green shady part of our yard (I'll have to take pictures of our newly shorn yard...it's kinda wild but functional back there & I love it.) I really am having the time of my life being me these days. For the past year or so, with minor exceptions. Well, they are major exceptions, but the rest of my world is so awesome that even major exceptions can't bring me down. And that is so fucking cool. It's great to have an appreciation for life AS IT'S HAPPENING.

  Pea has graciously stepped in to fix my new template for me...the one that Julie worked so hard getting together. I have added a few things on my own, and I think the next template change will be my doing. At least for this blog. I'm still psyched about getting the fullbleed.net blog up and running...we'll have to wait and see. Michelle, who is doing the templates, is pretty busy right now, so I'm not even going to think about putting a deadline on it.

  Cool, though. Tonight when I'm at work, I'm going to try to import the new templates. I'm pretty excited about that. Thanks to the mamas for helping me out! (I remember the day after c was born, m sat in my lap and told me "I'm glad the ladies came and helped my baby brother to be born.")

  I hope yr having a wonderful day.

  Posted at 2:50 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

  a glimpse into my world via music

  May 13, 2003

  I figured since I'm dancing around listening to music, I might as well list the crazy mix that comes up on my cd jukebox so you can more fully appreciate the madwoman that is me. hahahaha:

  • that fireman song I mentioned earlier (m loves this song because they say the word "underwear" in it.)
  • go-gos - vacation
  • I want to be a cowboy (I can't remember who sings this song - it's the punk rock one, not the one that goes 'and you can be my cowgirl')
  • A few songs from the Under a Green Corn Moon CD of Native American lullabyes (we're having fun throwing balls at each other.)
  • A little Dead Can Dance from "A Passage in Time"
  • Flock of Seagulls - I Ran (wishing I had "space age love song" or whatever that's called) I pause from a bout of cleaning up to say "Don't torment your brother, m."
  • More Dead Can Dance
  • Some punk song that goes "Can't do it, just can't do it...don't make me just don't make me...don't wanna just don't wanna" I think it's "You make me feel cheap" (I think it's from the Rodney on the ROQ comp) (It's at this point that m crumples on the floor and insists the music is too loud, so I turn it down begrudgingly)
  • Still more dead can dance (dunno what's up with shuffle, but it seems to be favoring this cd heavily today)(I send m into the other room so I can crank the volume a bit while I prepare the dough for the calzones that I'm going to make)
  • DAMN i love the Dirty Three. I have Ocean Songs, and it is so soothing. I've had this cd in the changer for 3 months or so solid and I've owned this cd for I don't even know how many years and I still get excited when it comes on.
  • There goes that Dead Can Dance again. (m's asking me math questions while I attempt to decide what to put in the calzones...and realize that there is no way they will be done before everyone is really hungry. So maybe papa will make them for dinner)
  • The beautiful sounds of Dead Can Dance are drowned out by the impromptu pot and pan parade through the kitchen, which will no doubt be drowned out by squeals of "GIMME THAT!!! MINE! HELP MAMA HELP HELP" in a matter of minutes.
  • Ooh...more Dirty Three. It's string instruments, cellos and the like. You really ought to listen to them. They were playing at a coffeeshop I went to with Chris & I asked him if he liked them. He said it was "OK for background music"
  • I'm laying on the couch, watching the kids get crazy with the musical instruments, and m says "Are you happy?" I say "Yeah" and he says "You don't look happy" and the cd changer pauses on a piano riff from one of the songs on Combat Rock
  • This Could Be The Night by some band on the Rodney on the Roq compilation. m's running around with castanets. He says "you're forgetting about our band" and I say "no I'm not...I'm the dancer." and proceed to "shake my booty" (can you believe he actually asked me to shake my booty out loud at the store the other day? "SHAKE YOUR BOOTY MOM" he said. And everyone stared. And, you know what...I DID. mahahahahaha)
  • Wild in the Streets (is this the circle jerks?) I love this comp. Somehow i don't think this is how Rudolf Steiner envisioned music circle, which is probably why I'm such a waldorf poser
  • BLOOD STAINS! SPEED KILLS! FAST CARS! CHEAP THRILLS! RICH GIRLS! FINE WINE! I LOST MY SENSE I LOST CONTROL I LOST MY MIND!
  • m says "Don't you think that's enough band making? I'm too pooped to even think about it" and up comes another Dead Can Dance song. With birds singing and shit. Thus endeth music hour, now I'm being asked to tell a story. Gotta go.

  Oh, man...now bim sherman is playing. Talk about timeless, ageless classic. This CD should be a permanent fixture in the mix.

  Posted at 11:35 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

  One of those days.

  May 13, 2003

  m has a tummy ache and does not want to go to the playground. He's laying prone in the bed right now. i brought him his comfy pillow and wrapped him in the comfy blanket and the fan is pointing at him blowing a breeze while he watches Dragon Tales.

  I know he's totally faking it, but that's OK. The kid doesn't get to stay home sick from school, so I might as well give him some sort of sick kid fake out ritual, right?

  So I'll be spending the day dancing around the living room, listening to music and cleaning up as I go. I'm currently listening to my favorite song by some unknown band on some unknown CD. It goes:

  
  Fireman! Fireman! I'm standing in my underwear, my house is burning but I don't care.

  It's way going on the next mix cd. It really paints a picture, you know? Does anyone know who sings it? Because I'm too lazy to grab a chair and pull the disc out of the cd changer.

  Posted at 11:22 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

  An update on the terrorist breastfeeding mom.

  May 13, 2003

  Action Figures Sold Seperately sent me here for an update on this story. Tell it, mama!

  I mean, here we are, with lots of death, drought, destruction and disaster in the world, but mention "breasts" and invariably, you get this collective nervous giggle - even though their primary purpose is the nourishing of infants.

  While I have never met anyone who disputes research that shows breast milk is the healthiest thing we can feed infants, the b-word is an integral part of our popular culture.

  Women get breast implants so they'll feel more attractive, while breasts bulge enticingly in commercials and out of teensy designer wisps of fabric at the awards shows.
  

  Now, when is that national nurse out again?

  (and I still say she should have just squirted them all in the eyes, but that's not on ProMOm's "3-minute activist" list. Go figure.)

  Posted at 11:04 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

  selflessness vs. sacrifice again.

  May 13, 2003

  Rev9 did a much much much better job of differentiating between selflessness and sacrifice. I just had a FEELING they were drastically different. They FELT different to me. But she defined the difference so well in her response to this week's we have brains topic:

  Well, first, seeing as I'm currently in the thick of scrubbing my brains over Asian philosophies, I'd like to note that "sacrifice" and "selflessness" are decidedly not the same thing, and linking the two is as misguided as the mindset that promotes the more-martyred-than-thou contest.

  "Sacrifice" implies holding one's self very dearly and distinctly, thus expecting a reward, either in the form of praise or stars in your crown in heaven, for the "gift" of some of that self - or gifts based on that self. "Sacrifice" is, therefore, ultimately self-serving. It's a term dripping with ego, IMHO.

  "Selflessness," on the other hand, implies a lack of self and a denial of the need for ego-reward. If you have no ego, then you don't expect praise for acting against the ego's demands. How can you sacrifice your self when you don't cling to your self? How can giving of your self hurt you when you have no claims on that which you give? This is not necessarily such a bad thing.

  I'm inclined to believe that selflessness is not really a part of the Western paradigm for either gender.

  So since this question is challenging a Western mindset of how women ought to interact with their families - as described here, revoltingly codependently - I'll assume that this question has to do only with the idea of "sacrifice."
  

  There's much more in that post that is cogent and definitely worth reading, but I was so thrilled to have my gut instinct about selflessness and sacrifice explained so well, I had to quote that particular portion.

  Posted at 9:19 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

  This will surprise you.

  May 13, 2003

  I have a super huge crush on patriot boy now. I know, I know, he's like the polar opposite of me on the political spectrum and everything, but...truly...you must fucking see this, which was an offshoot of this comment on Eschaton:

  Clenis is Clinton's penis. It's the source of all evil. It was behind the Russian revolution, the Kennedy assasination, Watergate, and "Joe Millionaire." If you're not careful with it, it'll put your eye out..
  

  So, you see, I can't help but be madly in love with him. swoon.

  Patriot Boy...will you marry me?

  Posted at 12:35 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

  Who I Am.

  May 12, 2003

  It's been an interesting few weeks for me, as I've regained contact not only with Long Lost Friend, but with a few other folks as well from the various eras of my life. Today brought forth an e-mail from my dear friend K, who I have known and been in pretty constant contact with since just after high school, but who kind of floats in and out of my life in her way...which is a way that I have come to understand even if I miss her when she drifts away. Or, perhaps, I too drift away. We had a rift several years back about something dumb that I said or something dumb that she heard that I didn't intend to say or just plain old something dumb. We were able to mend that rift, but distance in proximity has kept us pretty sporadic with our communication.

  Anyway, what I was getting at is the fact that I may or may not be who I appear to be on the blog. I'm curious if anyone who knows me in real life can attest to it. I don't know how honestly I portray myself. I mean, I know that the things I say I'm doing are things that I actually do, but am I the smart-assed, brash, loud person I come off as being?

  I know this. I know that in a new situation I tend to be withdrawn and quiet. And when I am tired I am also quiet. I know that I get louder and louder the more I get going. I know that, yes, I really do "laugh like that" all of the time. And a good bit of the reason why I'm a phone-a-phobe is that I tend to giggle and guffaw a lot and I'm self-conscious about that. I know that I am clumsy with my movements and frequently touch people a lot more forcefully than I intend to...and I know that I really truly do fall in love with random strangers throughout any given day, but that I also flip people off and reel off a string of obscenities when I am driving. Even when the kids are in the car.

  I know that I am adventurous and at the same time I am frustratingly cautious. I am a smart ass, but I am empathic, and I frequently shove my foot in my mouth over something I have said sarcastically that has been taken seriously. I am nowhere near as mean in person as I have been on this blog - not intentionally, anyway...but I am frequently misinterpreted. I think sometimes I am very quiet and shy, and I've been told that I come across as being too cool, or aloof when in actuality I just like to watch people without interacting. And I am definitely NOT cool.

  I am fairly slow to anger, but the few people who have seriously pissed me off in my lifetime know it. I can hold a grudge like no one's business, and I'm currently nursing one long-ass grudge right now. Maybe even more than one. I'm also extremely sensitive, so it doesn't take much to hurt my feelings or make me feel incredibly insecure...but I'm fairly self-aware of this aspect of my personality, so I talk myself out of it all of the time.

  I'm nice, but I don't give of my time very easily. I guess I'm pretty selfish of my time. And if I'm trying to accomplish something and you are trying to talk to me, you will probably get blown off. Sorry.

  What else, what else? I don't know. I just feel like I need to say these things - perhaps because I will soon be meeting some blog friends and, after having a chat with Jhames the other night about how people aren't who they claim to be, I am somewhat worried that I've made implicit claims about who I am that are somehow less than or more than reality.

  Posted at 11:14 PM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

  My Heroes.

  May 12, 2003

  Fifty-two members of the Texas Legislature have walked out in hopes of killing the redistricting proposal which is surely part of the Multi-Point Plan to avoid complete regime change in upcoming elections.

  Basically, Tom Delay wants to redraw the boundaries in the congressional districts to totally favor Republican candidates, even in traditionally liberal Austin. This would conveniently leave Lloyd Doggett, a staunchly anti-war congressman, out of a job.

  My co-worker here remembers the Killer Bee walkout way back in the day. He has informed me that if the legislators are caught, they will be brought to the lege in irons and be forced to vote. Suffice to say, I hope they are well-hidden.

  Granted, there are other issues up for legislation that are being delayed due to the walkout, and many media sources are spinning this as a disgraceful act. And granted, it might be (is probably) true that the politicians who have walked out are doing so for self-serving reasons - they are politicians after all. However, I still say this is a positive thing for Austin voters, at least...it's absolutely ridiculous for the winning team to change the rules of the game to ensure continued victory.

  Legislators prepared statements and made the request that their voting stations be locked down in their absence (because, apparently, if voting stations aren't locked down, anyone can press your button for you) prior to making themselves scarce.

  Here is a statement from the absent legislators.

  UPDATE: Another hero - New Mexico Attorney General Patricia Madrid, who says this in answer to Governor Rick Perry's request to allow Texas officials to make arrests in her state:

  "Some are speculating this request from the Texas Governor's office concerns an effort to locate missing Texas House Democrats," Madrid wrote. "If so, Texas should understand that since ski season is over, the Santa Fe Opera has not begun and President Bush was just in town, I don't think they are in Santa Fe now. Nevertheless, I have put out an all-points bulletin for law enforcement to be on the look out for politicians in favor of health care for the needy and against tax cuts for the wealthy."

  Posted at 6:46 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

  Ah, fuck

  May 12, 2003

  My travel partner has backed out due to financial circumstances (um, you would think I would take this as a warning to exercise more fiscal caution of my own) and I'm once again in DC-trip limbo. I felt insecure taking the trip WITH the travel partner, and I feel downright afraid to take it on my own - for strictly financial reasons.

  So...I'm begging. If anyone has some extra money laying around taking up space, please hit the paypal button for me. I promise I'll write interesting stories about our journey to entertain you...and stuff.

  Blah!

  Posted at 10:19 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

  Marianismo

  May 12, 2003

  This week's We Have Brains topic dovetails nicely into what I was writing about sacrifice and love last week:

  Marianismo is defined as "a belief in the spiritual superiority of women based on their sisterhood to the Virgin Mary. . .These women were not seen as equals, but were expected to fulfill their role as wife and mother. Women were, and still are, expected to be selfless in love, devoted to their families, and always postpone their own goals in favor of family members. They are to sacrifice all to please their entire family, but especially the male members."

  What is it in our global culture that has the majority of women convinced that sacrifice and selflessness signify a morally sound woman? What do you think of the assumption that females, if mentally stable, are all willing to not only play the role of mother, but give up their own lives to do so, while men are never questioned about why they did not put their careers on hold around age 30 to start a family? I am sure exceptions to the rule exist, but what is important here is that these assumptions and expectations are the rule.

  What I am asking is a loaded question: What is wrong when in a society, instead of encouraging cooperative childrearing, competition is promoted among moms to see who can, in the spirit of Marianismo, sacrifice the most? How do we change this narrowminded thinking?

  In my e-mail exchanges with my dear Cauter, the subject of child-rearing and sacrifice has come up. It's a very interesting topic in the midst of a discussion on sacrifice and love, but it's important to remember that a relationship with children is so much different than a relationship with another adult.

  At the same time, I think it's almost more important to not slip into the role of sacrificing martyr mother with one's children. Being on the outskirts of the attachment parenting crowd (and I say the outskirts, because I do have a full time job and often feel immediately "disqualified" from attachment parenting because of this) I come up against this role of mother as martyr concept quite frequently. Which is not to say that all women who attachment parent their children are automatically martyring themselves for their children, but there is a fine line between attached motherhood and martyred motherhood. I have read Magical Child and Continuum Concept and I am aware and do believe that children are meant to be with their mothers until at least the age of 7, but that's just not compatible with the lifestyle of our family, so we have made the next best choice. My children have coslept (the 2 year old still does) nursed for an extended period of time (the 2 year old still does, and will wean when on his timetable, not mine - m, actually, weaned at 7 months & while I feel that was incredibly and guilt-provokingly early, many feel that's the acceptable age for weaning...so go figure) and have never been enrolled in institutional care. Much of the reason I am homeschooling them is because I feel they are best served by spending time within the family unit rather than outside of it, and I am saddened by the fact that our culture seems to think it is acceptable to put a child in institutional care from the time she is 6 weeks old, and from that point on, spend approximately 4 hours a day with that child.

  I'm sure there are many out there who would consider these choices to be sacrifices, but I don't feel they are.

  Ack. I'm losing my train of thought...ironically because there is a small person in the room who is probably about to demand something of me any minute now. hahahaha

  Something I wrote in an e-mail last week that I think defines how I feel about the choices I make for my children and husband:

  I don't view the lifestyle changes that I have made to accommodate him and the children as sacrifices so much as necessities for survival of myself and my family. It's pretty rote. & it's certainly not what my love is composed of.

  Which could be interpreted as an issue of semantics, but (of course) i feel it's a valid expression of the idea that the fine line of martyrdom is drawn in attitude more than action.

  I guess obligation is the key. If I give to my children out of a sense of obligation, then I quickly fall into the trap of Marianismo. But if I examine my motives and give out of the true spirit of my love for them, I can't really go wrong.

  There's also the reality that one must be content to interact honestly in the role of parent. If I am dissatisfied, chances are my interactions with my children will be frustrated and resentful. I can control to what extent they are victims of my dissatisfaction, but I can't fabricate the joy that is present when I am fulfilled and am giving of a full pot. It's like day old coffee. If someone doesn't clean out and refill the coffeepot, all anyone gets is cold sludge.

  I feel like I'm rambling & hope this makes sense. What I'm getting at is that, although I believe in many of the tenets of attachment parenting, which I would imagine would be viewed as the penultimate expression of Marianismo, I feel it is possible to avoid having sacrifice become a point of competition. Rather, if I am in touch with my needs, and have the tools to fulfill my needs, I am more capable of fulfilling the needs of my children without resentment. And if I am not feeling resentment about my own relationship with my children, I am more apt to come to my relationships with the other parents in my life in the spirit of encouragement and support, rather than competition.

  Posted at 9:16 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

  It's about DAMN time.

  May 12, 2003

  I promised Chris that if he updated his link to me on his site that I would talk about how much I wanted to have his baby. & I was going to flake out on my end of the bargain, but then he went and posted this picture & I got to thinking "Damn...that is one handsome man." & so maybe I will have his baby after all.

  bahahahahaha.

  OK, well, the handsome part is true. Damn. He's FINE! You know you want him.

  Posted at 1:09 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

  Fuzzies

  May 12, 2003

  m's reading selection this evening was Fuzzies: A Folk Fable for All Ages by Richard Lessor....which was again an absolutely perfect fit for the past week's discussion about love and autonomy. And it actually left me wondering if this book was the initial spark to my ideas about the way love ought to be, as it is a book from my childhood. Published in 1971, with my name scrawled on the inside cover.

  The book is about a small out of the way valley where the people are simple and happy. They don't need much, and they have these little creatures called fuzzies that they share freely with each other. Until one day a mean witch named Juanita comes to town and happens to mention to one of the townspeople that there's a shortage of fuzzies, and this leads to fuzzy restriction and, ultimately, the demise of all fuzzies.

  People started crossing to the other side of the street so they wouldn't be expected to exchange Fuzzies. They stopped visiting each other.

  When they did have to go to a wedding or a birthday part they gave money or gift certificates.

  With nowhere much to go and not many people to talk to, people became restless and bored. Mostly they just sat around and worried that something might happen to their Fuzzies.
  

  OK, it's a bit of a stretch to say it's a book about autonomous relationships, but it most certainly is about the scarcity myth, and therefore can be applied to my theories about love and how we close ourselves off from each other rather than having to worry about betraying our beloved.

  I tried to get m to talk about what the book meant to him, but I think he really just thinks the fuzzies are cute.

  Posted at 12:00 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

  Safety Net?

  May 11, 2003

  Truly, if you are not reading the Black Commentator, you are missing out on some very important analysis and information. This week's feature is about Bush's Harvest of Shame: One Million Black Children in Extreme Poverty:

  When the Bush men promise to leave no child behind, they mean that no child will be spared the full rigors of the marketplace, to sink or swim unaided, so that the freedoms of the rich are unimpeded.

  The Bush regime is less than two and one-half years old, and already they have condemned hundreds of thousands of additional Black children to incarceration, moral degradation, and early death. Yet they stomp across the social landscape as if killing roaches, determined to purify the nation (and world) of all material and ideological traces of egalitarianism.

  There can be no common, human dialogue with a class that is, essentially, misanthropic. One million Black children are on a conveyer belt to death, George Bush's Harvest of Shame. Yet Bush is not ashamed, but proud of the fruits of his exertions, and believes that his God approves of his work.

  This is an enemy who plays for keeps - a happy, smirking child killer.
  

  Posted at 8:05 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

  No To All Wars

  May 11, 2003

  This is an excellent article from the editor of Anarchy Magazine:

  Simply put, all war is international predation. And all the justifications for launching wars necessarily require the massive degradation of language and communication in order to prevent people from understanding this.

  
  Internally, within the nation-state, the threats of external enemies are used to help maintain an artificial internal solidarity. A focus on external enemies hinders or prevents any focus on internal problems and contradictions, no matter how much more directly they affect the population. External threats, whether credible or not, are useful for increasing the amount of repression, militarism and general misery that people will tolerate in their lives. And they're especially useful for combating any attempts by people to fight for their own desires, values and goals, including the abolition of capitalism and nation-states.
  

  And it stuns me to realize that over 2000 innocents were killed in the war with Iraq, and this is seen as a minor sacrifice. Minor. two THOUSAND. I mean, I've thought of this before, but it just struck me today. TWO FUCKING THOUSAND PEOPLE who were going about their lives to the best of their ability were SLAUGHTERED. And not only that, but our sons and daughters committed that act. Average (in some cases formerly) non-psychopathic members of society were called upon to kill people...and they killed countless combatents as well as the TWO THOUSAND civilians. Combatents who were no doubt sons and daughters of Iraqi mothers and fathers.

  I know none of this is news to anyone, but I can't believe that deeper reflection of this simple fact wouldn't terrify and sadden people tremendously. War is unreasonable. War is irrational. War is TERRORISTIC. And, yes, all war is wrong.

  Posted at 11:03 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

  Happy Mother's Day!

  May 11, 2003

  I wish I could think of something beautiful and pithy to say, but RedHeadDread has a great quote relating to the origins of this day, and I don't think I have anything better.

  huge tremendous hugs to all my mama friends, and all my friends with mamas...and all my friends without mamas or who are missing their mamas today.

  Posted at 9:20 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

  wow. Revelation...

  May 10, 2003

  So I was just dancing around my living room, thinking about all of the stuff that's been rolling around up there these past few introspective weeks. And I was thinking about all of those things that I almost posted in that post about adultism, but that didn't seem true. I kept typing stuff about how my childhood was restricted, and it most certainly was not, and I couldn't figure out why I kept wanting to type that when it was not even close to the truth.

  In fact, the opposite was true, as all of my brothers and sisters would resentfully attest. I did whatever the fuck I wanted to do. I had absolute freedom. I had no curfew. I frequently stayed home from school just for the heck of it (and my mom called in for me - which was allowable back in the day before the state decided to take over the job of parenting our children) and I even would have my mom call in for me after a half a day if I felt like going home. And I would walk home from school, stopping every few blocks to scribble mad poetry in my journal.

  I had a lot of freedom. A lot of it. And I never abused it, and I was always very careful. I didn't do drugs, have sex, or even drink a drop of alcohol throughout high school - and all of those things, I knew, were well within my grasp. But I was careful not only because someone (my mom) trusted me enough to give me freedom, but also because I felt like those things were counter to the way I wanted to live my life. And no amount of peer pressure (and I never experienced incredibly intense peer pressure, particularly when it came to drinking, until I had a corporate job when I was well over the age of 21, but that's a different post altogether...perhaps a completely different blog.)

  At any rate...so I got to thinking why I might be denying all of this liberty and feeling like I was restricted by adultism & I realized something very important and destructive happened the last time I went to visit my mom. Something that went hand in hand with the issues of abuse that cropped up. Something that invalidated a lot of the positive feelings I had about having been trusted during my unrestricted youth.

  My mom actually told me that she regretted having given me that freedom. After all of these years. After knowing that I was a good kid, got straight a's, didn't get messed up. Suddenly, now that I'm an adult and living on my own, she regrets having given me freedom to make my own choices at a young age.

  I can only conclude from this that she believes that I am somehow a failure. That the choices I made once I was out of her house have somehow proven to her that too much freedom is a bad thing. & while I don't believe I am a failure, I'm very sensitive to being viewed as one...particularly by my mother, to whom I had previously given much credit to my success.

  This is one of those things that will need to be healed once I have the inclination to talk openly with her again...if I ever regain that inclination...but dancing around my living room today and remembering when she spoke those words. Remembering we were playing cards, laughing, having fun in the midst of a very stressful time, and she uttered those words of regret and I felt like she had literally drained all of the air out of the room. And dancing in my living room tonight, I almost doubled over with sudden rememberance &...wow. You know?

  I hope as a parent I am able to have the foresight to understand that my children are going to choose their own paths in life. I hope I am able to look them in the eyes when they are adults and appreciate the paths they have chosen, without feeling resentful or regretful if those paths are drastically different from what I might have chosen for them. This is the lesson my mother has taught me, and I hope I have learned it well.

  Posted at 7:48 PM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

  Daintily Dirty's Book of Virtues.

  May 10, 2003

  If Bill Bennet can do it, why can't she?

  Chapter 1: "Don't Spit." Don't you think it is virtuous to swallow? We are taught as children that spitting is nasty. It is still nasty as adults. My motto is, if you don't want to swallow it, don't put it in your mouth.

  Chapter 2: "If It Don't Fit, Don't Force It." Lube is your friend. Liquid Silk is a great water based lube. For some reason, lubes are now made with a teflon base. That's right - teflon. I guess that means you shouldn't play with a metal spatula when using it.
  

  Go and read the whole thing...it's quite amusing and informative. hahahaha.

  Posted at 4:37 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

  This is hilarious.

  May 10, 2003

  Researchers at Plymouth University in England reported this week that primates left alone with a computer attacked the machine and failed to produce a single word.

  Link courtesy of randomwalks.

  & here's a link to another article about the same study.

  Posted at 3:31 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

  rAWK.

  May 10, 2003

  So much cool stuff has happened already today, and there is so much of the day left for more cool stuff to happen.

  The first thing that happened is that L woke up before me (!) and MOWED THE LAWN. He was out there breaking a sweat while I was curled up all cozy in my little bed. It's my mother's day present, he tells me. And it's all I'm getting. That's damn fine with me. I might want everything, but I'm so damn easy to please. Now I feel like I need to get one of those little straighty shovelly things to edge the patio and walkway. What are those things called? No matter though...the lawn is short and the kids can play outside with greater freedom. I'm loving that man today. Loving him.

  Mother's Day is not a holiday we usually celebrate around here, but I'm celebrating tomorrow by going to Rosa Maria's house. She's having a fancy-pants tea and crepe party & we're going to make cards for incarcerated moms. I'm pretty psyched about going to that. It's a great way for me to do penance for having neglected to send my own mom a card for the second year in a row. This year, however, I'll be sending out some artwork that c did - some of his beautiful watercolor/coffee filter art. So, she'll get something - even if it's not on time.

  Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah...cool things happening today.

  So I get to work and I'm dinking around and my boss walks in. He tells me that since we have this free (donated) satellite link that we no longer use because the school district re-networked this building, we're just going to set up a server here in my office and serve accounts to our clients so we can host their blogs and websites for free. Is that not the most kick ass thing you have ever heard in your entire life? And because I'm sitting here on top of said server, they have graciously offered to teach me some administration duties. I'm feeling the love, man. I'm totally feeling the love.

  So, yeah. That, and I have this community outreach/digital empowerment meeting happening today at 1 that I have many good feelings about. The response was small, but the people who did respond have some excellent projects, and I'm feeling good about the potential for alliance building here.

  Speaking of building alliances, yesterday's NCBI meeting was also excellent. It was just me, the chapter president, and one other member, and we discussed issues of "adultism" - which was a good topic. One thing about the NCBI model is that it's more geared towards helping people to understand that at the core, we are all good people, even though we might have built up prejudices throughout our lives. The way NCBI goes about eliminating these prejudices is through healing and empathy rather than exorcism and anger (which is a strategy that I'm somewhat fond of, but...well, everything has a time and a place). So a lot of the meetings resemble group therapy sessions where we all share our experiences with a particular form of oppression as both oppressed and opressor.

  At this meeting, we each took 5 minutes to talk about how we have been damaged by adultism and how we have used adultism to oppress others. Five minutes feels like an awful damn lot of time when you are talking about these things. Some of the things that came up for me were - as the youngest in a family of 7, I tend to get treated as if I don't have the wherewithal to make decisions for myself. I have seven people (counting my mom) who feel they need to "help me" and that help frequently comes across as invalidation of the choices I have made. This is exacerbated by the fact that many of the choices I make for myself and my family run counter to a lot of my family's values, and that probably feels like a judgment to them.

  I also talked about how, being the youngest, I rarely had a sense of power or control in my family, and I need to be careful that I don't attempt to exert power or control over others to compensate for that fact. I need to be aware of how I communicate in situations where I have a degree of power, to ensure I'm not abusing that power. I think I have more to say on this subject, but I keep writing whole paragraphs and then re-reading them and thinking "No, that's not it." So I should wait and write more later.

  At any rate, early mom's day present. Mom's day fun tomorrow. Network hosting goodness. Networking with other organizations. Associations that rock my world. And I even got to hang out with K8 yesterday.

  What more could a mama want?

  Posted at 11:31 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

  "God's" gift?

  May 10, 2003

  It's funny I should read this article tonight, as I felt so weird seeing Bill Gates talk about how very generous he is (and how difficult it is for a rich person to give away his money) on Moyers tonight that I had to turn it off:

  Adam Hochschild, author of King Leopold's Ghost, an account of Congo's colonial-era occupation by King Leopold II of Belgium, explained the situation in a recent New York Times essay. "The [Congo's] Balkanization and war suit the amazing variety of corporations — large and small, American, African and European — that profit from the river of mineral wealth without having to worry about high taxes, and that prefer a cash-in-suitcases economy to a highly regulated one," Hochschild wrote.

  One of the most valuable of the Congo minerals is coltan, an essential component for the manufacture of electronic devices like cell phones and computer chips. Western corporations like American Mineral Fields and Bechtel, Inc. have strongholds in Congo. Less directly but no less harmfully, technology companies purchase minerals that find their way to our PCs from shady origins in war-torn regions of Congo.

  Blood-stained cell phones

  As Gondola points out, we in the U.S. often enjoy our luxuries at the expense of suffering people in developing countries. He calls out the most visible and wealthy figure in high tech as an example of how international-business-as-usual is destroying his homeland. "It is such a paradox that the same time that Bill Gates is giving money to vaccinate children, he is helping fuel the war in Congo, contributing to the deaths of millions of people," Gondola says. "People need to know that the laptop you use or the cell phone you carry is tainted with blood from the Congo."

  Gondola points out that Congo is one of several African countries, including oil-rich Nigeria and Angola, whose residents suffer while abundant natural resources are extracted for profit by foreign interests. "We see a pattern developing in Africa: In resource-rich countries, people starve because of corruption and theft of the resources. In poorer African countries, people are actually doing better," he says.
  

  Posted at 12:55 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

  Fish Is Fish

  May 9, 2003

  Tonight for story time, m chose Leo Lionni's story "Fish is Fish" and I'm so glad that he did.

  There's a good explanation of the story here:

  An anti-assimilationist story about a fish and a tadpole that grow up in the pond together, only to become estranged after the tadpole grows his legs.

  The tadpole becomes a frog and leaves his friend to explore world on land.

  When Frog comes back to the pond for a visit, he tells amazing stories to the fish about the things he's seen and the places he has been.

  Fish is jealous. He doesn't want to be stuck in the pond forever. He wants to walk on land...he wants to see birds and people and "cows with milk". Frog tells Fish he shouldn't be disappointed, because "frogs are frogs and fish is fish and that's that."

  But the fish feels cheated. One day, he jumps up out of the water and onto dry land. There he lies...gasping and dying. Is this the end?

  Thankfully, the frog arrives, and he throws Fish back into the pond. Fish realizes that he will always be a fish, he should be happy in the water, because he can never live on land...
  

  There's also a point in the story where the frog is describing all of the wonderful sights on land to the fish, who only knows life in the water, and as frog is telling fish about cows and humans and birds, the fish is seeing these things as variations of fish. It truly illustrates the barriers we encounter we attempt to describe or relate or even attempt to listen to a different view of the world. In my discussions with my old friend, I'm sure I'm tending to visualize his ideas based on my experiences of his ideas, and vice versa. As each of us feels we have some degree of insight into the choices the other has made, there are still assumptions based on what we know or believe to be true. I'm certain this is common...and I need to keep it in mind as I examine these things and interact with others about them.

  Not to mention that I do not feel that I have many answers...but I do have tons and tons of questions.

  So, some new thoughts on the topic that have bubbled up today...

  Nedlog mentioned that sacrifice is hard-wired into marriage, and it further drove home the point that much of this discussion is based on semantics & further it's a discussion about semantics that's being conducted with an english major and a journalist, among others. hahahahaha. But, yeah. Last night in an e-mail to my dear friend cauter, I mentioned that I view what he calls (and what my husband calls) sacrifice as a more organic thing. There's not really a choice involved, so no one is restricted. I think my example was based on living choices. I would like to live in Chicago, but due to the fact that Mr. Steve would never survive a winter in Chicago...I will never ever live there, even if we do not stay together, because we have children to raise. The hair-pulling semantical part of that is I don't consider this a sacrifice. I consider it a matter of fact. I can no more live in Chicago than I can suddenly sprout hoppy legs and jump out of the pond. And that's OK.

  So, yeah. I need to stop being so damn stubborn and adjust my vocabulary to match that of my discussion mates or something. If that's what we're calling sacrifice these days, I'll give you that.

  However, here's the deal. No one person will ever be able to satisfy all of my desires...and I am not capable of satisfying any one person's desires entirely. This is what I'm up against. This is what I'm thinking about. Why should I bind myself to one person...why should anyone...when there are so many desires to fulfill and so much to give to others.

  At this point, I need to clarify something that will make some of you want to throw rotten fruit at the computer screen in anguish. I can see where sexual monogamy might be justified on many levels. I, myself, can't even imagine having multiple sex partners at any given time. So when I talk about autonomy for me, I'm not talking about the freedom to run around fucking people. Although I certainly would not condemn someone if that is the lifestyle that they would choose.

  What I'm talking about when I talk about autonomy is the lack of barriers to love. Because in the relationships where I have monogamized myself, I very definitely feel as if I am closing myself off to other people out of fear of loving them. Is this a characteristic that is unique to me? Because I get the impression from many people that this is what is expected in a marriage - that love is restricted to "acceptable" individuals (usually, people outside of the sphere of your sexual interests) and opening yourself up to the idea of loving anyone else somehow puts the marriage in jeopardy.

  Let me repeat that this is certainly not true of all relationships...but be honest. Is it true of yours? Do you find yourself closing off to other people out of FEAR of loving them "too much?" I know that I have. I know that I still do. I also have an inkling that this is divisive and unnecessary, and that we should be free to love fully and deeply and unabashedly without restriction, remorse, or guilt.

  It's a lot simpler, perhaps, than I'm making it out to be. And yet, from my personal experience, it's also a fuck of a lot more difficult. I'm sure I'll be thinking about this for a long time to come...but thanks to everyone who has contributed to the discussion so far - frogs and fish and cows alike. Moooo.

  Posted at 11:34 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

  I have to share

  May 9, 2003

  Layne wrote this beautiful post about her daughter, and it almost made me cry. i'm so so happy Layne is back, for so very many reasons. Massive amounts of love and squashy hugs to you and yours, mama.

  Posted at 10:31 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

  The butterfly and the...

  May 9, 2003

  Last night as I was tidying up the bedroom, m spied an old silky bolt of fabric that we keep around for some uknown reason. He wanted me to tie it around his neck so he could be a superhero. I did. And then cy wanted to be a superhero, too, so I found his silk and tied it around his neck. As I did so, cy changed his mind and decided he wanted to be a butterfly, instead, so I arranged the silk on his shoulders and he instantly started jumping around flapping his little arms like a butterfly.

  As soon as m saw cy being a butterfly, he decided he wanted to be a vampire, instead. And, apparently, "a vampire's cape is not TIED around its neck, Mom." So I adjusted m's cape accordingly and went back to the bedroom to continue tidying.

  The following conversation was yelled from room to room:

  m (as soon as I was out of sight): I'm a VAMPIRE!
  c (no doubt cutely flapping his wings): I a BUH-fly!
  m: Vampire is going to EAT the butterfly!
  Mom (shouting from the bedroom): Be nice to the butterfly, Vampire!
  m (shouting back): But vampires are EVIL, mom!!

  (maybe it was one of those "had to be there" things, but I laughed profusely.)

  Posted at 9:52 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

  Deductive Reasoning in Action

  May 8, 2003

  Based on yesterday's conversation about anarchism, m has deduced 2 things:

  1. Hostile alien invaders from Jupiter cannot possibly be anarchists, because they want to rule over the human race.

  2. I (myself - his mom) am in fact an anarchist, because I do not think the United States should rule over Iraq.

  And, as an aside, whether or not you agree with either of these statements, you have to admit the kid has truly been blessed with a mathematical/logical mind. I thought it was amazing that he could string together all of those concepts and apply them to unique situations. That's my boy!

  And, while we're on the subject of m, I have to say that he has made a few developmental leaps this week that I am so very thankful for. Those of you who have been reading my ramblings for any length of time might be aware that we have had this ongoing battle of the shoe, where I find myself on a weekly basis throwing my hands up in the air and muttering curses at the gods of soft-footedness over m's resistance to put his own damn shoes on. This week, m has resolved to overcome that, and has been putting on his own shoes, heels and all. I was so thankful for this development, that I offered to buy him a present. He also buttoned his own shirt yesterday, and now brushes his own teeth, including putting the toothpaste on by himself. These have been ongoing power struggles ever since c was born, and his resistance to taking on these duties for himself has definitely been a form of clinging to his status as the lone child and constant center of attention. I am so very very thankful that he is starting to take care of himself in these ways. It relieves a LOT of stress in our household.

  He's also learning how to catch. We have catching practice every morning, and he's getting quite good. I mentioned to him that whenever we manage to get him onto a baseball team, he might be lagging a bit in skill, since many of the kids on the team might have been playing baseball for awhile. I wanted to forewarn him of this, because he's very sensitive to, well, not being the best at everything he does, the first time he tries it. He seemed to understand, though. He claims he will take it in stride and practice until he gets better.

  He also would like to learn to weave. He insisted I buy him some yarn so he can handweave enough cloth to make 4 coats - one for each member of the family. hahahah. I told him I would certainly get him started, but that we would have to weave squares of fabric and find a way to sew them together to make whatever he would like to make out of them.

  What a zany kid he is.

  Posted at 4:40 PM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

  Idealism vs. Romanticism/Sacrifice vs. Selflessness

  May 8, 2003

  Since my long-lost friend gave me implicit approval the last time I quoted him, I figured it would be OK to do it again. We've been e-mailing about my current state of affairs, and he is good at bringing up all sorts of stuff & I've been thinking about a brief segment of last night's e-mail, because it's something I've been working on for a long time now. Actually, there were many things he brought up, and he continues to bring up, that have made me consider and reconsider & I'm deeply appreciative (I'll say it again and again) of his presence. It's truly a blessing to have someone to gently nudge me in the direction of introspection & I hope I am able to provide the same blessing right back at him in whatever way is helpful to him.

  At any rate, here is the exchange:

  He wrote

  > you have only lost him if you so choose. if he is as lost as you
  say,
  > then the decision is yours, not his. it is true, he may have given
  up
  > all hope already. perhaps that is his problem. but the fact is any
  > marriage is going to be a struggle at some time. you have three
  > options: fight, flight, or sit there and suffer through it feeling
  > unduly punished. it sounds to me as if he loves you greatly. if he
  has
  > done some of these things to keep you happy, he is trying to
  > demonstrate his love. i have forfeited dreams, hopes, expectations,
  and
  > personal plans to keep my wife happy. i will gladly rearrange my
  life
  > that she might be comfortable in hers.

  I responded:

  Well, first of all, i really don't want L to compromise to make
  me happy. He claims that he has and that I haven't, which we all know
  to be an impossibility. But, yes, his unhappiness with our marriage,
  or with me specifically, is in fact his problem. I think I explained
  that above, though...

  It's such a tug to hear you say that you would rearrange your life for
  your wife. On some level I think this is admirable, and intensely
  romantic and appealling. On another level, I believe there are ways
  for people to coexist and make each other happy without having to
  abandon things that are important to them. I'm not a fan of martyrdom
  or sacrifice.

  Later in the same e-mail, he wrote:

  > to love is always painful. true love requires sacrifice. it also
  > requires a servant's heart-- the willingness to do whatever it takes
  to
  > keep the other person content and comfortable. this shouldn't be
  > mistaken for "fetch this" and "get me that...now!"
  > this doesn't mean love is only pain. there is a satisfaction that
  comes
  > with knowing you love someone enough you will forego self for them;
  to
  > know that you have given up your selfish nature (with at least one
  > person). it also brings the joy of knowing security.

  I responded:

  I have a different view of love. I believe very much in selflessness,
  but I don't believe it should be practiced with only one person. And I
  don't believe true selflessness is painful. Sacrifice and selflessness
  are completely different things. Selflessness is unconscious.

  Anyway, what I keep going back to is this romantic notion of love as being about sacrifice. It seems very counter-productive/counter-intuitive to me. Because, to me, the greatest act of selflessness is accepting someone for who they are, completely, and allowing them the freedom to do what they need to do to be happy, with the full knowledge that, as we are all basically good people, we would not unnecessarily injure or damage one another. While this is definitely an ideal notion, it's something that I strive for. I strive to eradicate the romantic notions of love that I've been force fed my entire life. The idea that someone will come along and give up the things they hold dear for my happiness in hopes that I will do the same for them. This is why, on the surface, my long-lost Friend's love and willingness to sacrifice for his wife is so appealing to me. It's so tied up in my romantic notions of what love is supposed to be, but it's also a notion that I am slowly growing to reject as unsustainable and ultimately undesirable. Not to mention somewhat circular, in a "gift of the Magi" kind of way, you know?

  What I truly want is for someone to come to me in absolute freedom and love me for my freedom. I want to build a relationship that is composed of two equals co-existing peacefully with complete autonomy as well as absolute and unconditional love for one another. I reject sacrifice, as L has so frequently bemoaned all of the sacrifices he has made for me to the point where it's no longer a sacrifice but a cross for him to bear. I would rather insist that he be destructively selfish than destructively sacrificial. Mostly, though, I would hope that my lover(s) and myself would be able to cultivate a relationship in which we are all capable of giving and giving and giving without thought of recipricocity. Of loving and loving and loving without expectations or disappointments.

  I understand this is an ideal, but it's not a fabricated ideal, it's my heartful, heartfelt goal for living and loving.

  In a way, my current relationship with L is like a chrysalis. I can see that it could emerge fully formed in the above-stated form, or it could fall to shit even further than it already has. I have to say that things could not get much worse between us than they are now, but at the same time, I see glimpses between the branches that lead me to believe that a better future for us is possible. There have been events in our lives together that have proven this to be so. Things he has said and done that lead me to believe he is capable of existing in my ideal sphere of love (and that we share mutually inclusive ideas of what this ideal is)...but both of us have much damage to undo before we are truly ready. I dunno if this makes any sense. In the same sense, though, all of the damage we have done to each other and our love could serve to disintegrate the bond that continues to connect us. While it may be true that we needed to endure the hardships we have inflicted on one another to come to the point where we can exist in the ideal, the hardships might have been too much for us to overcome. I'm still waiting to see. It's not looking so good right now, but it's looked much worse in past situations, so who knows.

  All the usual disclaimers about my respect for the feelings and opinions of my long-lost friend do most certainly apply. And I trust that he is very content with the way he chooses to live his life, just as I would hope he trusts that I am quite satisfied with the way I choose to live mine. The responses I have provided him and my comments here are in no way an attempt to divert him from his ideals or "change his mind" or "convert him" to my way of thinking...they are merely my response to his astute and challenging observations. I lay my heart before him with the gentlest of all gentle intentions.

  (I'm wondering if any of this makes sense to anyone...because I myself am going to have to re-read it several times before it makes complete sense to me)

  Posted at 10:51 AM • Comments (9) • TrackBack

  Ack.

  May 8, 2003

  Well, I thought I had the new template almost ready to go, but I just tried to open comments and I realize that I have totally fucked it up. Drat. I hope Julie does not want to kill me. I'll be spending the next few months trying to figure it out in between bouts of nursing the baby and made scribbling in this stinky old default template which is probably what I should relegate myself to as punishment for messing around with something I have no knowledge of how to fix.

  Bah! BAH! I say! BAH!!!!!

  Ah, never mind. I only fucked up the individual entry archive, and I was careful to back that one up before fucking with it. Actually, I was careful to back everything up before fucking with it...but I was worried that I would be unable to figure out where the fucked-upness was originating.

  Now I just need to determine the essential MT tags for the individual entry archive, so I can create a template for it that looks exactly like the main index. Pea did this with the old full bleed design, so maybe I should mine that for clues. But I also want to have the comments viewable on the page of the individual entry archive.

  Here, I might as well list all of the things I want to do still with the blog:

  • I like the little comments and additional text roll-out script & would like to incorporate that
  • Change the individual entry archive to look exactly like the main index
  • Maintain the view of the individual entry archive to include comments on the page rather than in a pop up window
  • Create an "about" page
  • Fix the column width problem
  • Incorporate the "most popular post" script (based on comments)
  • Figure out where to put the blog crush thingie (probably at the top of the page)
  • Design and incorporate a more noticable date division (actually, this might be a good place to put the blog crush thingie, as I've seen several blogs lately that have "links of the day" on each date divider

    Um...did I leave anything out? Are there any requests for features, while I'm going all over-achievement on this design thing?

    Posted at 9:10 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

    One more classic m line

    May 7, 2003

    This was a conversation with dad:

    m: Are clowns born that way?

    Papa: You were.

    Posted at 8:03 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

    Just when i was getting a good rage going...

    May 7, 2003

    I was just allowing myself to get nice and pissed off about that last post and various other things floating around the media today, and who should call, but one of my favorite people in the whole entire fucking world. A person I haven't spoken to in a really long fucking time. Way too long. Like, the last time I saw him was during that horrible Christmas break when I stopped talking to my mom. We sat on the couch in my mom's tv room, and watched Shakespeare in Love together and I thought it was a really crappy movie, but it was so great to be with my friend Gar.

    So...yay! He was all upset because he thought I blew him off over Christmas this year, not knowing that I wasn't there over Christmas...and he doesn't have my cell number, and I keep forgetting that I never check my home phone, so people are probably calling me all the time and I never get the messages. And I never make time to call people that I love because I'm a phone-a-phobe...And I'm going to get to see him when I go to Chicago. I told him he's going to get to hang out with three hot mamas - he'll take us all out to museums and buy us lunch at Tecalitlan like he always does. He rocks soooo hard. There aren't even words to describe how very much I love Gar. My chest is just bursting right now, and I'm so excited about getting to see him again.

    Yay!

    Posted at 7:21 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

    Does this freak anyone else out?

    May 7, 2003

    Judge Awards $104M to Kin of 9-11 Victims:

    U.S. District Judge Harold Baer ordered that the damages be paid by bin Laden, al-Qaida, the Taliban, Saddam and the former Iraqi government. The judge ruled against them by default in January after they failed to respond to the lawsuits brought on behalf of two of the trade center dead.

    James E. Beasley, a Philadelphia lawyer who brought the case, hopes to collect the money from frozen Iraqi, bin Laden and al-Qaida assets.
    

    Hello? We're now giving away the frozen IRAQI assets? Doesn't that money, you know, belong to the PEOPLE of IRAQ? You know, those people we were attempting to LIBERATE?

    What the fuck is up with that?

    Posted at 7:13 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

    Another Conversation with m

    May 7, 2003

    m's at work with me today & on the ride over here, we had this conversation about anarchism after purchasing some drinks at the store:

    m: People who buy things are no different from people who steal things except people who buy things pay for them...*pauses*...and they don't have to sneak out at night.

    Mama: What, are you some kind of anarchist?

    m: I don't even know what anarchist means, mom.

    Mama: An anarchist is someone who believes that people are basically good, and that there's no need for government because people are capable of governing themselves.

    m: Oh, yeah. That's TRUE! That's what I am, then. I'm an anarchist.

    Mama: *Beams proudly*

    (he's so fucking adorable I just want to mush him UP!)

    Posted at 6:00 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

    I drove to work today...

    May 7, 2003

    Which means I spent some quality time with the radio, which I have been avoiding for the past x number of weeks.

    But I'll get to all of that later, provided I have time. For now, I'm just overjoyed about the fact that I have my old archives here with me, and can look back at my early days at surreally without waiting for that damn slow blog to load.

    I would ask Adam to marry me, but his wife is way cooler than me. I hope he doesn't faint when he realizes he still has another entire blog to import. hahahaha.

    OK, now I gotta go do some work so I can get around to reading and ranting about current events.

    Posted at 5:19 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

    The joy of homeschooling

    May 7, 2003

    One of the joys of homeschooling are the strange conversations that pop up in our day together. Since we don't have to cram all of our communication into 3 or 4 hours, we get this kind of thing:

    m: I wish I were six feet tall.
    Mom: Oh, yeah? What would you do if you were six feet tall that you can't do now?
    m: IIIIII'd squash you.
    Mom: *silent*
    m: Or, pull your pants down.

    bahahahahaha

    Posted at 1:40 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

    Disregard the recent comments...

    May 7, 2003

    Adam, my glorious host, is gallantly attempting to import the shitload of entries and whatnot from all of the previous incarnations of full bleed, so my endless babblings will be available to you from one central location, rather than 4 of them.

    However, he might have offered to take on a task that is unachievable, and in the meantime, the recent comments are fucked a bit. And any comments made today might, in fact, be lost. It's OK, though...I can restore them manually from my e-mail.

    Hey...check out the test blog at http://fullbleed.net/test_blog and let me know what you think of it so far. i'm going to change the banner to be less...huge, and with a different graphic...or maybe more than one graphic. We'll see what I come up with. I also have to remove the redundant "search" scripts & add a few features like comment roll-outs and, um, others I don't remember. OH, yeah...I don't like the archive template at all, & I want to change it to look exactly like the main index. Centered text just bothers me for some reason. At this point though, I'm just so happy to see something other than the default template...and Julie kicks so much ass for helping me out. I think I'm almost ready to design my own site, thanks to all of the help I've received from pea (who, by the way, I would absolutely LOVE to have a drunken AIM session with) and julie along the way. I'm starting to really understand how MT works.

    I'm feeling definitely panicked that I missed a day of work and now I have a million things to do tonight. How weird is that? I feel like I goof off all the time at work, but I must not, because I'm looking at my to-do list and feeling like there's a lot that has to get done.

    Anyway...gotta go eat.

    Posted at 10:07 AM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

    Up with the people's power to change. Tear down the system and rearrange.

    May 7, 2003

    Showdown in Texas: May 3, 2003

    The event began with a degree of urgency for me as my bus slid to a halt in front of the pro-Palestinian/anarchist feeder march. A few of the anarchists had broken away and were running towards the legal team with cops in pursuit. I jumped off of the bus, fumbling for my camera, and snapped a couple of pictures, but realized there were several other witnesses with cameras there and nothing bad seemed to be happening. So I joined the march to the capitol. Nestled between a sea of Palestinian flags and black flags.

    The rally was MC'd by one of my favorite activists, although I don't remember her name. Her voice is loud and her message is clear. The speakers were good, but I took no notes. I especially enjoyed the words of Mililani Trask, who had spoken so resolutely at the Gift Economy seminar last winter. She was no less inspiring today, as she spoke of the duty of indigenous people everywhere to uphold the sacred laws of mother earth. I honor her efforts and admire her fortitude. I was also deeply moved by Emmanuel Ortiz' "Moment of Silence" poem.

    Since this was a multi-issue rally, I was encouraged by the diversity of the crowds and the speakers. The organizers did an excellent job of inviting and representing a diverse array of cultures and voices. And, though I was disappointed at the low turnout, I was encouraged by the enthusiasm of the crowd that was assembled.

    But I wanted to move. I wanted to march. I wanted to yell out...speak MY piece. So I moseyed to the corner to where the band was (literally) playing. Local Austin musician Terri Lord was out with a group of musicians and drummers performing under the name "Bands Not Bombs." They had a set of anti-war/pro-freedom booty shakers that they were performing as they let the freak flag fly. Cars were honking, people were dancing and me and my pal Trey (who I always seem to run into at these things...I used to work with him a coupla years back) were waiting impatiently for the march to start.

    There were 6 or so counter protestors present, including my friend with the sign that read "First Iraq, Then France, then Hollywood, then you hippies." He was hanging out with the guy whose sign read "One nation, under God, INDIVISIBLE" (whatever the fuck that means...I guess he was never informed that that was not even part of the original pledge of allegience but was added to discourage the rampant growth of "godless communism." Dorkweed.) The other side of his sign read "These colors don't run, but burn it, and your blood will." & You know...I really always prefer my religion to be laced with the implied or direct threat of violence.

    At any rate, it seemed as though it took forever for the march to start. And I think that was evident in the number of people who left before we started marching. But when the people started moving, I was impressed with how energetic and loud everyone was. The last march was so...tired. There was an energy to this crowd that was inspiring and refreshing. Like I said, it was a much smaller group than before, but much more radical. And the strange thing was the crowds on the sidewalks were also much more vocally supportive than I remember them being at previous marches.

    So we marched, past Starbucks, past the Bank of America building, past Fox News, at each of which, someone threw paint balls, which was the lone reason for a "legitimate" arrest in spite of the fact that well over 50 anxious police officers were assembled and waiting for some wrongdoing to occur. I heard from various sources that 20 cops jumped a guy who allegedly was carrying a weapon, but he was released after it was discovered he had nothing. Another man was arrested for bumping into a horse. They called it something like obstructing a police animal.

    At the Fox building, a reporter was on the rooftop with cameras rolling and we stopped to yell out "Fuck corporate media" while cops on another rooftop (who looked eerily like snipers) watched closely. They may have known Fox was to be targeted because I think this is where they identified the paint ball hurler, although it's unknown to me whether there was only one paintball hurler or if one person took the rap for several perps. The black flag contingent were all dressed alike and it could have been anyone if it was one of them. Apparently, according to the ACLU observer I spoke with on the way home, one of the paintballs loosened the Fox banner and a bystander got a good deal of pain on his clothing, but no one was hurt.

    At the end of the march, the cops took up the rear on horseback and motorcycle. I stood with some officers on the corner and complained about excessive show of force. The anarchist crew was holding their ground at the rear for as long as possible, but were not doing any harm, and yet there were the cops with nightsticks at their sides, pushing the crowd into a small space, which I think is exceedingly dangerous.

    My impression is that they are interested in turning the opinions of the "mainstream" protestors against the black flag contingent. The cop that I spoke with asked me if I knew they had weapons (apparently unaware that this was a false allegation). I shrugged it off and he asked me if I wanted to clean up the paint on the building, and since we were kind of chatting casually, I felt like I could be a smart ass with him, so I said "Paint? Really? Is that all it takes to get 50 cops out here? Because, you know, I'll bet there are some people littering at the Pecan Street Festival RIGHT THIS MINUTE...you might want to send some forces over there to investigate." I said this with a smile, and while the cop wasn't thrilled, he didn't really react angrily...he just made some remark about how they were here to protect us & I said something about how, yeah, sure...they have a job to do and all that, but did they really need to have so. many. cops. There.

    And there really did not need to be so many cops there. It really is an excessive show of force aimed at intimidating more moderate citizens into silence AND aimed at paiting a picture of protest as unlawful and/or violent when it is not.

    I resent this, and I resent the stupid fucking idiot cop who was excitedly asking "Do I get to arrest someone?" as I walked away to find something to eat. It was silly, and it was silly to have cops stationed all around the grounds of the capitol at about a 1:10 ratio to the people who were enjoying the post-march festivities. I truly, truly understand a need for police presence at events like this, but it was excessive, and I really feel that it was excessive for a political rather than public safety reason.

    And that, my friends, was that. I caught the bus home and am currently wondering "what next?" It's apparent to me that there is a need for continued activity and continued awareness raising. And listening to the local talk radio hosts gloating over the small turnout made me angry. I understand that there are many, many people out there who support the causes represented at the showdown who could not be there. I am also aware that the current economic state we are in only serves to discourage people from standing up against the system. People are tired and people are downtrodden. The local election netted a SEVENTEEN PERCENT turnout. The system is fucked. It's time to tear it down.

    Posted at 12:36 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

    One of those good days.

    May 6, 2003

    I'd say things went pretty well today. We didn't really get a lot accomplished. It's one of those super muggy days where it literally feels like a sauna outside, so we stayed in all day, even though it's not much better inside. And we didn't actually start eating breakfast until 11 or so, because it took me forever to make the pancakes. And I didn't do the dishes until noon or so...but I did them, and I also managed to make a collage with cy, and read to the kids, and play some roll ball with them, and m asked all sorts of interesting questions - some of which I could answer and some of which I could not.

    I did get to take a nap with cy at around 3. It ended up being about a 3 hour nap, which was nice, and then I shared some kid time with L, and read a bit, and kind of kicked around the house for a few hours before planning the week's menu and throwing the kids in the car for a trip to the grocery store.

    After the grocery, we hung out for a bit, and I'm trying to encourage calmness in hopes that cy will go to sleep, but it's not happening. I have that article to type up and I really want to work on the new layout, but it's looking like I have a ways to go before bedtime. But...oh well.

    Thanks for the great comments today...I'm going to try to reply to some of them later & I'll be back to post more later tonight. Who knows...maybe I'll get the new layout up and running by the time you read this. hahahaha.

    Posted at 10:47 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

    Sick Day

    May 6, 2003

    I just called in sick to work. I've been nursing this headache all day, and, while the rational side of me tells me that I would actually get more rest if I went in rather than staying home and trying to keep the children from jumping all over me while I rest, I feel like a day off is in order. I have tons and tons of sick time, and I never get the chance to use it because I usually have something going on at work that requires my presence...or I rationalize that work is significantly less stressful than home.

    However, today...I will maybe take a nap with cy, and then I'll slowly make my way around the house, cleaning up here and there, and getting things in order. And I might spend some time working on the layout that Julie has been gracious enough to get started for me. And I might even get around to typing up that showdown article.

    Right now, though, I need to feed these children a very late lunch (we had a late late breakfast) because m, in his infinite whinedom, will not give me a moment's peace until I feed him.

    Hope all of you are doing well...

    Posted at 2:09 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

    Still more introspection, or cultural appropriation and religion

    May 6, 2003

    Last night I had an excellent (albeit frequently interrupted) conversation with Layne about religion and war resistance. She covers the war resistance part nicely in her own blog. One thing I missed tremendously about her was her religious perspective. She is the religious person I have been looking for to help me keep myself in check before bashing religion...even though I know it's totally not cool to look to someone else for doing that & I'm certain she dislikes being called upon to do so. I try to do it silently, without asking her, but rather by reading her words and admiring her strength and passion from a distance.

    At any rate, our discussion touched on cultural appropriation and religion, which is a subject we've discussed before, and I'm sure we'll discuss it again. I want to be careful writing this, because while I feel like I disagree partially with some of what Layne believes on this subject, I also do not have a fully formed idea about what I believe, so I don't want to come across as being argumentative, only to find that, in the end, when I figure it all out, I actually do not disagree. Perhaps in writing this, both Layne and I will discover that we don't actually disagree at all.

    But I have some thoughts that have come up since our discussion, and I want to lay them down here, gently..and while I would love to hear the opinions of others on this subject, I feel protective of my relationship with Layne, and don't want to hear anything that is judgmental of her or of me in this context(and...weird, isn't it...I suddenly have this urge to be gentle with people. Certain people. To not argue with them, but to lay thoughts down gently like sleeping babies. Gently, in hopes that they don't scream too loudly. I don't know if this is part of the whole crazy cycle of mine, or if this is some sort of spiritual growth I'm experiencing...but I guess it's only with certain individuals, so maybe I have a ways to go yet).

    What we discussed specifically last night was using the words of the religions of other cultures to describe spirituality in spite of not belonging to that religion. I made the error of saying that Taoism is more of a philosophy than a religion, and Layne called me on that, saying simply "Not to Taoists."

    She is right about this, and I need to be careful about understanding the full meaning of the texts I read and internalize. And at the same time, I believe with all my soul that religion is organic, without bounds and without rules. Religion to me is where true anarchy resides. In my opinion, religion is the language of my spirit, and I need to be silent and truly listen to what it says. And it's kind of an untranslatable language, so sometimes it's helpful to give it a voice by reading and understanding the way others have learned to translate their voices through the years.

    Ah, I go back and forth on this. While I totally understand Layne's point that there are so many nuances and deeper meanings that must be uncovered and understood about any given religion, and while I understand that it's easy to co-opt someone's language and exploit it for myself without giving the proper respect to the struggles that have and might continue to be a component of the keeping of that language...I still have a tug of feeling that those words are mine to enjoy as well. There's such a fine line between enjoying (rejoicing, even) in and exploiting the beauty of a specific religion, and I'm not sure where to draw that line.

    As a white American, I know that it's easy for me to claim that I have no culture and I have all culture. It's easy for me to claim this (even though it's wrong) because we are a "dominant" culture. We became dominant by exploiting other cultures, and that fact does not give me the right to continue to exploit other cultures by defining my culture as a conglomeration of other cultures.

    But I'm still hung up on religion. Because, while culture is something that is inculcated from birth, religion to me is different. Religion is something that unfolds as I grow, and as I have learned to listen to myself (only very recently) and discover what I truly believe, it has been so helpful to have the pre-established words of other religions to define what I am hearing. It is not that I am reading words and incorporating them into my "practice" but rather that I am listening to myself, and practicing, and using the words of scholars and sages to describe this practice.

    Posted at 9:30 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

    Introspect-o-rama

    May 5, 2003

    This is from an e-mail I sent to my long-lost friend in response to various stuff he wrote/asked. I thought it went well with the theme of introspection, so here goes:

    he said, in response to a warning that I was riding the menstrual surfboard
    > i think you're just being hormonal. yep. that's it.

    I said
    I used to think that hormones had nothing to do with it and that PMS was some bullshit female manouver. Now I realize that it's all about cycles, and women are just lucky that our cycles are so clearly defined. Men have them too, I'm sure...I'm just not sure how they are measured or their length. I know my husband has a very definite cycle and it's like way out of sync with mine which is good when it comes to raising the children, because it's rare for both of us to be brooding and introspective at the same time, but it's difficult for our relationship with each other, as I'm frequently down when he's up (or as up as he gets) and when I'm up...I'm way too up for him to ever relate to. He never really gets that high. It's all very foreign and suspect to him. Ah...but I didn't intend for this to be an e-mail about L...

    Then he responded to my plea that we not argue politics by saying we disagree on just about everything, but that we are connected by a common history, and I responded

    Yeah. I was kind of trying to stop it before it started, which might not have been entirely clear. I don't have the heart for it. I feel a very strong connection with you that is not altogether positive, but it's there. And I don't want anything to interfere with it. I've grown protective of it in a very short time, even as I've grown to realize it's not an entirely realistic connection.

    That said, I don't recall much unsavoriness in my youth. I've told you the bad parts, but I haven't really told you about the joy. The traveling, the visiting, the exploration. The love. I always was a goody two shoes. I never got into trouble, and I avoided doing damage to other people as much as possible. I have very few regrets, other than regrets for the decisions others made around me. I kept my nose clean and I had a lot of fun. I was madly in love with everyone around me and at the same time extremely lonely. I guess I'm the same way now...but...

    Part of the exploration I've done to write the novel has been to consider who I was in my past. I'm still struggling with that, but I kept very good notes. I wrote lots of letters. Saved a lot. Many of the people I was in contact with then were kind enough to send some back. I never was a very complex person. & I've gone down more than one path to arrive where I am. I guess we're all struggling to unite who we were and who we are with who we wish to be. I've only recently clarified who that person is to any degree, and the goals I have set for myself are challenging, particularly with the obstacles I face currently, some of which are a direct result of the choices I have made in life...some of which are completely beyond my control.

    Then he said (and I quote him directly in hopes that he won't be upset. And I ask that people please not argue with this person, as I am very protective of him in spite of the fact that we disagree, ok? He's like my brother - only more...chosen. I can't explain, but I can't bear to hear anyone say mean things to him in my defense.)
    > do i know you? i know the girl who
    > seems to have changed very little in ideology. i know the child who is
    > now a mother. i know some of you. i know that you haven't shed the pain
    > of the past and that you have added more to it. you are like the man
    > who discovered his wool underwear were scratchy, so he made wool pants
    > to cover them up.

    Bah. You lost me here. You had it up until the "haven't shed the pain of the past" part and the wool pants analogy does not work. You haven't quite got it yet, darlin'.

    In terms of my ideology, I know much of what I claimed believe to be true in my youth is similar to what I believe now, but I don't think I understood what I was talking about then. And what you don't have is the perspective of the interim years in which that growth occurred. The way you put it here is somewhat dismissive of my intelligence and thoughtfulness, as well as the amount of time and self I have invested in learning and shaping my ideology. Not to mention the fact that I spent many years attempting very desperately to conform to the role that I thought was required of me, only to discover the wool underwear were not only too fucking scratchy, but they didn't fit, and made it
    difficult to breathe.

    In a way, the wool pants analogy is more fitting for my foray into the corporate world. Having disallowed the healing that needed to occur after I fled Chicago, I immersed myself in work instead to cover up the fact that I was finding new and inventive ways to throw walls up between myself and the people around me. Work allowed me to compete with people, which gave me a good excuse to dislike them. I'm still working on the damage that I did to myself in this process. I still find it difficult to touch people, in spite of the fact that I really
    want to hug everyone. I find it almost painful to be touched, in spite of the fact that I'm dying to. It's a process. I am healing. Slowly, but consciously.

    I have a certain amount of awareness that the way I'm attempting to live my life now makes it more difficult than possibly necessary to do what I want to do. There are times when I feel great sadness over the almost tangible distance between myself and so much of the rest of the world. This is not a cry for anyone to feel sorry for me, it's just an explanation that there's no romance to what or who I am. It's simply me. Living the way I must live to be comfortable with my self. Even as I understand that the way I must live to be comfortable with my self makes other people uncomfortable with me and at times alienates the very people I desire to be close to. It's a choice between feeling alien in a world of other people and being in my own world where others feel alienated. Damnit if right now I need to be here. I'll rearrange the furniture as much as I can to make those I love feel comfortable, but I just can't bring myself back there. Maybe I'll try again another time, but I don't have the strength to exist in that other world right now.

    And you know what? I was always this way. I never quite fit in with any of the crowds that I ran with, which is why I ran with so many different crowds. I was too much or not enough of whatever everyone else was just right with...and that was somehow ok with me and the people I chose to surround myself with. It made for great conversation, but I've always had a sense of not really fully being a part of anything. I don't buy into things completely. I have to forge
    my own path, but I don't mind meeting people at the trailhead and having a chat.

    ***

    I have to say that it's so wonderful to encounter people again after long absences. I love the difference. I love the exchange. I love that he is unafraid to tell me what he thinks & that I have confidence that he will listen to my response without judgment. I love that I can play with him unself-consciously (when I'm not feeling so damned self-conscious, that is) I love that the people I considered to be family still feel like family to me now. Equal parts unconditional love and absolute divergence. It's a beautiful thing, I tell you what.

    Oh, and PS - I'll get to the showdown article tomorrow. I have a little more meditating to do, but I'm quickly regaining my exuberance.

    Posted at 11:08 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

    Self-assessment.

    May 5, 2003

    OK, I'm very glad to report that I just got my period. hahaha. Beause I've been having the kind of day I used to have when I was depressed a lot. I feel like I'm pissing people off and being a bad mom and just generally feeling kind of like I don't want to do anything, but I'm having to do everything. I spilled coffee on the floor today while attempting to clean up another spill, and I just felt like "fuck. one fucking thing after another." In fact, I think I said that out loud.

    So, I'm relieved that there's an actual physiological reason for my frustration and volatility. In fact, I feel so relieved right now, that all of those weird things that I've been feeling/thinking over the last few days are already melting away. Kind of. I'm still feeling disconnected from the world at large, and an urgent tug of loneliness.

    So...tonight, I'm going to take some deep breaths, maybe eat some rich dark chocolate, read a story to the kids before bedtime, then sit and meditate. I think it's time that I create a ritual around this phase of my cycle...a centering point. Because I tend to fly in an elliptical shape throughout the month, and I need to get a handle on where I am at any given moment to make sure I don't swing too far. I don't mind going all out in the joy department, but I don't want to swing back too far in the other direction.

    Which can be tough to control. You know?

    At any rate, now that I know what I'm battling here, I can moderate my reactions to things, if that makes sense. Because I find that I tend to get very defensive and reactionary when I'm in this space & I'm immensely vulnerable.
    I think it's a good time for me to just kind of mend myself. I need to think about what I'm putting out there and what I'm getting back. & I need to figure out if there's a vast disparity, and if so...why?

    So, yeah. How's that for some monday evening introspection in between an AIM conversation and a student flare-up that involved calling campus police? Not bad, if I do say so myself.

    Posted at 8:26 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

    Some pictures..

    May 5, 2003

    I figure since I can't seem to get my shit together long enough to post the account that I've ALREADY WRITTEN, I might as well post some pictures. Enjoy.

    Click to make them bigger.

    

    Fight the state, not it's wars.

    

    Now, what did I do with that bill of rights? I know I left it around here somewhere...

    

    This idiot said he was "just trying to make a statement." Yeah. And the protestors are characterized as violent. Fucker. I asked him if he wanted to smell my hair armpits, because you KNOW he's just harboring some hippy chick fetish.

    

    "I never met a horse who wanted to be a pig."

    Posted at 10:29 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

    Business applications of weblogs.

    May 5, 2003

    Can anyone help me out here? I'm looking for good examples of blogs that are used on business or non-profit or anything but personal websites. I'm looking, preferably, for a site that has a lot of static content, but has a regularly updated weblog on the site to communicate with clients and customers. I'm certain something like this exists, and I need to show examples to my bosses today, but I can't find any now that I'm trying to.

    Posted at 9:12 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

    More whining about money

    May 4, 2003

    Can someone please explain to me the following:

    a) How is it that an insurance company can send a gleeful letter about all of the crap they are no longer covering, and then cheerfully raise your insurance rate by 300 bux a year (that's about a 50% increase)

    b) How is it then that your mortgage company can amortize that increase of 300 bux a year, and, even though property values have fallen, somehow come up with a figure of more than 100 bux a month extra to account for the difference?

    Someone's doing some AWFULLY funky math, and the result is that I'm out an extra hundred plus bux a month? I don't THINK so. Someone's going to be getting all up in that mortgage company's face tomorrow and find out what the fuck is up with that shit.

    And I was so proud, having done my little budget and moved numbers around so that everything was coming up on the positive side. I don't think I have enough numbers to throw another hundred dollar bill in there, though. Something will have to go, like phone service (and if that goes, along with it goes the internet service).

    Either that, or Mr. Steve and I get zero allowance for spending money, which would make everyone very unhappy. At least I still have a cell phone and a dual T3 at work to make up for phone service and internet, although it would suck to not be able to read my blogs and, you know, do all of those things that absolutely must get done on the internet throughout the day.

    Blah.

    Of course, it's always possible that I can get the mortgage company to re-assess the escrow payment in hopes that the insurance rate increase will be offset by the decrease in property value/tax. Cross yr fingers now...and good luck to the poor sap at Chase who has to deal with my angry ass tomorrow morning.

    UPDATE: After digging through my stack of mail for the appraisal letter, I found it & it is so totally convenient, isn't it, that the estimated property tax cut due to the reduced appraisal value is almost the exact amount that the insurance rate went up. Does that seem AWFULLY damn fishy to anyone? I was so looking forward to a reduced mortgage cost because of that tax reduction, now I'll be lucky if I keep the same monthly payment...although I still have no fucking clue how 300 bux a year has magically turned into 100 bux a month. Someone really needs to explain that to me.

    Posted at 11:57 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

    audblog audio post

    May 4, 2003

    audblog audio post

    And now you know I wasn't kidding when I said I sound like a 12 year old boy over the phone.

    Be gentle with me...I am a total phone-a-phobe. It was a majorly huge thing for me to do this, and I'm amazed that I did not erupt into mad giggles in the middle of it. hahahaha.

    Posted at 8:22 PM • Comments (11) • TrackBack

    Oh, and I take it back.

    May 4, 2003

    Earlier, I responded to a comment on another post about how restless I am feeling by saying the feeling has passed. It has not. I'm listening to m making loud, repetitive noises in the bathtub, and literally RUNNING AWAY from cy so he can't pinch me and I'm feeling incredibly trapped, even though I just had about 5 hours to myself.

    I'm not sure if this is PMS or perhaps a downswing from my manic joy of the past few weeks. Or perhaps it's frustration at feeling so much joy but having limited means by which to express it. I don't feel depressed or sad, just restless and agitated. And I have absolutely zero patience with the children.

    I think I'm trying to convince myself that I'm freaked out about money, and I'm desperately trying to talk myself out of going on the DC trip, but I'm holding firm on going. It's just that I won't be babysitting over the summer, and that leaves me short a hundred bux a month. And after a few discussions I had last night about the going rate of rental units here in Austin, I'm convinced that even if we did rent out the back room, we wouldn't make enough money for it to be worth the hassle.

    So, along those lines, what really needs to happen is L needs to get a job. Something very part time, even temp work. And I know he's going to refuse, but I can't figure out how the hell else to make ends meet around here unless he does. I think some of my agitation stems from this eternal conflict of having to live with someone who refuses to exist in reality. I came home today, and the air was on 70 degrees, it was like a fucking arctic tundra in here and I was literally WATCHING the money fly out the windows. I've turned it up to 80 and am sweating in my underwear to make up for the fact that L and the kids spent the day cool as cucumbers (while I hung out at my un-air conditioned office, I might add).

    I mean, he really does pitch in around here. He does his fair share, and I would love for him to be a full time stay at home parent...but THAT'S NOT REALITY. Our financial reality is that we need to earn about 200-500 dollars more a month than we already do in order to maintain our household AND pay down some of our old bills that we've been ignoring for the past two years while mr. L has claimed he just "can't deal with going back to the workforce."

    I feel like Mr. L needs to get psychological evaluation and perhaps apply for some sort of assistance if he really is incapable of working, so we can have a little fucking breathing room here, and so I don't feel all weirded out about the smallest little deviation from the budget.

    That said (now that I'm done blaming) I need to rein in the money that I've been spending...a little here, a little there. Today I ran out and got carrots and hummus for a snack and a soda, and some pretzels to snack on at work next week. This would be fine, but I do it all too often, when we have plenty of food in the house. I need to spend more time planning and executing the menu. I need to put a moratorium on any excess spending whatsoever and really follow the budget that I'm going to recreate tonight.

    Sigh.

    Now I have to go, because I'm being shoved out of the way by cy, who suddenly MUST climb up into my lap even though it's 5 million degrees in here and I am sweating profusely from pores I didn't even know I had.

    Don't you wish you could smell me now?

    Trying. Not. To. Scream....(I think a movie night is in order...how about you?)

    Posted at 8:04 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

    ah, fuck

    May 4, 2003

    So I came all the way over here to get my alone time, during which I was planning to transcribe my scrawled essay about the showdown...and I forgot my fucking notebook at home.

    So, I guess this means I'll do a back up of my system or something instead...and maybe I'll do the transcribing later tonight or tomorrow. Still...you know? Fuck.

    Posted at 2:25 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

    George Bush's Resume

    May 4, 2003

    Snagged this link from yomama:

    • Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.

    • Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind. (http://www.hyperreal.org/~dana/marches/)

    • Dissolved more international treaties than any president in US history.

    • My presidency is the most secretive and un-accountable of any in US history.

    • Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US history. (the 'poorest' multi-millionaire, Condoleeza Rice has an Chevron oil tanker named after her).

    • First president in US history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.

    • Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.
      

    and the list goes on and on.

    Posted at 10:02 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

    A History of Washington's Oppression

    May 4, 2003

    Just in case you are feeling overly optimistic about the future of Iraq, you might want to read Ashley Smith's overview of the US role of occupier following other notable operations:

    And where the U.S. military went in Latin America, U.S. big business was intimately involved. As Marine Corps Gen. Smedley Butler famously explained his role during this era: "I spent most of my time being a high-class muscle man for big business, for Wall Street and for the bankers. In short, I was a racketeer, a gangster for capitalism...Looking back on it, I could have given Al Capone a few hints. The best he could do was to operate his racket in three districts. I operated on three continents."

    America's rulers have tried to bury this bloody history. Like every power before it, the U.S. government claims lofty principles as the justifications for its wars. In recent months, Bush and the right-wing ideologues who serve him have turned to the mythology of the Second World War to find a cover story for their war on Iraq.
    

    Posted at 9:47 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

    way too addictive

    May 4, 2003

    Wow. This game is so fucking addictive, even though I totally suck at it.

    link courtesy of the ultimate insult.

    Posted at 12:02 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

    Today

    May 3, 2003

    I have a huge entry to type up about today's showdown, but I'm going to have to wait until tomorrow, as it's too late at night for me to type and edit what I have written down. It was an excellent and thoroughly energizing event, and I am thankful that I had the opportunity to share the streets with a group of creative and constructive individuals. Yeah, it could have been a bigger event, but the crowd that was there was loud and radical...much more radical than I've seen with larger events...and I needed a dose from the more radical spectrum today.

    I got home, hoping to spend the night sitting around mulling over the day and perhaps checking up on the news and hanging out with the kiddos, maybe watching a movie, but L told me that M had come by earlier and had invited us over to her place for a kids' movie night. So I gathered up the children and traipsed off to M's house. I almost ended up coming home because I was Not In The Mood To Be Around Other People (or so I thought) and I was having a ridiculously difficult time figuring out where the hell M lived, as I had not been there in quite awhile.

    But, just as I was about to completely give up (well, ok, it was after I had already given up several times, only to be whined back to reality by m, who was absolutely desperate to see his friend S, M's son, who m hasn't seen in a long time) I found the elusive street on which M lives.

    And surpise of all surprises, who was sitting right by the door but an old friend. And it turned out to be a great night of kind of catching up with him and kind of watching the movie Spirited Away, which was WAY too scary for c, and now he won't stay asleep in the bedroom by himself, even though he's totally tired. So I have him sleeping in a chair here in the living room because I am NOT tired at all, and there is much I still want to do tonight before turning in.

    So, yeah...all in all a stellar day. Lots of good stuff happening. The only possible down side of the day is the fact that my dog's mouth and jowl is mysteriously swollen. I don't know if maybe one of the cats scratched her inside of her mouth of if she was bitten by some sort of spider, but I'm going to give it a night and see if it heals up and then maybe take her to the vet tomorrow or Monday. She seems to be breathing OK, and it hasn't gotten worse in the 3 hours or so since I noticed it, but it's worrisome and I don't want the poor pup to be in any unnecessary pain. Let's hope it's just a bug bite, and nothing major.

    Anyway, yeah. That's about it for my day. Big essay about the demonstration later later later.

    Nighty night.

    Posted at 11:34 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

    restless

    May 3, 2003

    I don't know what it is, but I feel totally restless tonight. I was irritable and distracted with the children all night, and I just feel like I'm waiting for something exciting to happen. I was BORED tonight, for the first time in I can't remember how long, as all of my outlets for creativity had either been exhausted or were unappealling to me. And I wanted to company of another adult, but I don't think I would have been particularly good company.

    Restlessness really is the perfect word for it, because there seemed to be nothing to satisfy me, but I'm not feeling morose or depressed, just anxious. Waiting. For something I can't really name. I don't know if this is some sort of weird precognizance of something that's about to happen or just an indication that I need a break in my routine.

    At any rate, tomorrow I will be heading for the capitol at high noon for the showdown in Texas. Perhaps being at another rally will provide me with what I'm searching for right now.

    I'm turning in early tonight, though. Not even going to soak in the tub or attempt to write anything. It could just be that I need some sleep. In case I'm not around tomorrow, I hope everyone has a great day.

    Posted at 12:01 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

    Scratchmittens!!! Is!!!! Back!!!!

    May 2, 2003

    OH, man...when she popped up on AIM today, my heart almost burst. I am so so glad she's back. She hasn't posted anything yet, but she assures me that she will. Soon. Or else. So go say hi to her, and tell her how glad you are that she is back.

    Posted at 5:51 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

    Deconstructing Media Coverage of the War

    May 2, 2003

    I'm thinking about this article that I found at Veterans for Common Sense, and I'm wondering how damaging it is to soldiers who had first-hand experience of the horror of the war to be returned to a society where people were sold a much cleaner version. Is that not the same kind of denial and invalidation that exists in an abusive and dysfunctional household, on a much grander scale?

    I'm slowly becoming convinced of something that I've subconsciously been aware of all along. And that is that what we all view as "normal" is absolutely not normal, and yet everything is OK. And we need to work to create a society in which nothing is invalidated or denied...where everything is accepted...before we can work to eliminate those things that are truly unacceptable. Does that make sense to anyone?

    For instance, we are currently taught that certain desires are unacceptable, and yet we are taught that killing people in a war is acceptable. It's absolutely perverse, and I wonder how much damage it does to society as a whole. We have an entire segment of the population - a majority, we're told (although I doubt the reality of this) who know full well that people were mangled and killed in the war, yet they are willing to accept that consequence for an abstract reason. They are willing to label those actions acceptable sight unseen...and they would much rather believe what their leaders tell them than face up to the reality that their desires for a certain level of comfort has contributed to the bloodshed.

    And now we have soldiers coming home who have experienced the bloodshed and the horror, and they will have to face the well-meaning people (those "support the troops" kind of folks, who really have no fucking clue what that means or how to support a traumatized person) who are living in total denial of what really happened over there. This concerns me greatly.

    Posted at 5:21 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

    Silence speaks volumes

    May 2, 2003

    David Grenier linked up this awesome article:

    Most students deal with plenty of school rules every day: no running in the halls, no passing notes in class, no excessively short skirts or tight tops or baggy pants.

    But no talking between boys and girls? It was a new one, at least for the Klamath Falls students. And some of the sixth-grade girls decided they weren't going to keep quiet.

    They tried a petition, and to talk to their principal, but didn't get the response they were looking for.
    

    Those kids are my heroes. And I am LOVING that grandma is so supportive.

    Posted at 4:47 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

    Mayday and mamas

    May 2, 2003

    Kara at yomama has posted a powerful essay about the history of Mayday, Mother's Day, Beltane, and other issues of workers' rights and mothers' rights all interwoven. It's truly a masterpiece.

    The struggle of mothers for political, economic, and social autonomy is a continuing struggle--it's the original labor movement. The United States government resists acknowledging mothers and caregivers as a political force.

    The government is founded upon the fierce independence and capitalism of its citizenry--who have historically balked against taxation for social support. In the twentieth century the creation and struggles of a welfare system have demonstrated the resistance in the American people for socialized healthcare, pensions, and family support. While some look to Sweden's welfare system as a model, the U.S. is drastically different in its immigration patterns, government bureaucracy, capitalist investments, and military budget. In a capitalist government mothers will always be a lower class.

    This Mayday, remember the historic struggle of the labor movement for the eight-hour workday. Remember the struggle of the working class against police brutality. Also remember the ongoing struggle of mothers for equality, justice, and essential resources.
    

    Posted at 10:41 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

    1, 2 Got a Crush on you...

    May 2, 2003

    OK, I changed out my crushes for the month. Not that I'm not still crushing on Denny, The Captain, and Andrea, but, you know, a woman needs a little variety.

    So, this month's crushes are:

    • Red Head Dread - because I'm just certain that she rocks. And she pays a lot of attention to me, which is always nice.
    • All the Extra Bits - because I left her off of my blogroll for a long time for some dumb reason having to do with her blog moving or something I can't even remember, and I missed her sooooooo much.
    • Traces - Because she's very, very sweet.
    • Wang Dang Doodle - Because, damn, that woman can WRITE!

    OK, so the fact that I have 4 brand new crushes (I usually choose three, but I couldn't freaking decide & who would want to?) means that I'll be on the lookout for new crushes next month. Go ahead and e-mail me if you think yr crushworthy...I'd be glad to check you out.

    Oh, I'm also totally crushing on all of cauter's posts at artery. Swoooon. He's dreamy.

    P.S. - if you want a copy of the crush mix, you need to e-mail me yr address so I can send it out. I had one made, but I gave it to chris (I have a crush on him, too)...so it'll be a little while before I send them out, but it would be helpful to have addresses to send them to when I get around to it.

    Posted at 8:44 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

    So Busted.

    May 1, 2003

    So, last night I went out for coffee after work with Chris and k8 and some of Chris' friends. Before I could go, though, I had to call up the hubs and make sure he was going to be up for dealing with the children for the extra hour or so before bedtime.

    So, I made the call, and made the plans, and was all set to go. A client that I goof around with a lot came into the office and said "So...I thought it was really nice that you called your husband to let him know you were going out." "yeah," I said, "I kind of need to, since he's watching the kids and all."

    The client paused, got a sly look on his face, and continued, "Yeah, but I could totally tell you were going to go whether he liked it or not!"

    GAH! This is exactly what L accuses me of ALL the FREAKING TIME. Like I only call to inform that I'm going to do whatever I damn well please, regardless of how he feels about it. Which, yeah, if it's not a big deal or no one is dying or whatever, is probably pretty accurate, but...what's the big deal?

    So, I ask you...is it such a bad thing that I usually get what I want? Does it mean that I'm a brat because I get my way much of the time? Or does it just mean that I don't ask for something unless I know it's reasonable to expect it?

    Posted at 11:54 PM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

    Starmama

    May 1, 2003

    OK, I realize that I'm trying to raise fundage for my madcap DC adventure (which, and I'll probably write more about this later, is now a definite go!!!!!!) but there is a mama who needs your help more than I do, so if you could direct some money to Starmama's paypal account so she can buy a damn 800 dollar car so she can spend more time doing things that mamas need to do and less time fighting public transportation issues (and, damnit, yes I believe that people need to use public transportation, but I also believe that single mamas need a fucking break and it sounds like Mz. Starmama needs one right fucking now.)

    So, yeah. if you have it to cough up, cough it up. If not...well, that's certainly understandable.

    Posted at 8:57 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

    Project manager for the revolution

    May 1, 2003

    So, thanks to the lovely and wonderful kd, whose ass I have not kissed nearly enough for her generosity in domain namage and server space, I have this beautiful little corner of the internet called fullbleed dot net. Have you visited yet? No? Well, that's because there's really nothing there, yet. Oh, sure, we have artery up (and I'm currently recruiting writers to contribute joyous and/or life-affirming spontaneous freeform prose and poetry, if you are interested in participatign), and r@d@r has been posting journal entries, and I think I threw the recipe blog up there, but there's no lovely portal from which to find these things.

    Not yet, anyway.

    I have, however, gathered a team of experts to create a lovely portal & I am so looking forward to seeing what they come up with. I'm starting to call myself the project manager for the revolution, as I grow accustomed to this weird habit I have of coming up with ideas that I cannot execute due to ignorance or lack of time, and instead finding other people who are more capable and talented than myself to take care of the particulars. It pretty much happened that way with blogsagainstwar.net - with adam, kinyeta, and goneaway just totally kicking ass on the execution while I, er, bossed everyone around (?) or something. I'm not quite sure what I did.

    At any rate, the fullbleed portal template will be designed by Michelle, who is so awesome. Her current template is so dreamy I could stare at it all day. It's clean, simple, and yet has a certain degree of subtle complexity to it that just amazes me. My wonderful friend spookydoll will be in charge of the graphics on the site. She's always been one of my favorite artists, and I'm sure she will come up with some eye-catching stuff. And my new net friend monica will be doing the feature coding. Her site has so much scripty coolness that I just had to induct her into this little collaboration...and I'm so thankful that she has complied in spite of the fact that her very first impression of me is as a bossy delegator. bahahahahaha.

    So, my task is now to figure out what sorts of tasty delights I should include on the site, and how they should be arranged. Christy pointed me to Damn Hell Ass Kings, which is exactly the type of thing I want to do. I want something that will list the most recent posts on the little full bleed network (as well as some honorary bleeders & maybe some guest bleeders) & I also want another blog running beside it that will have basic information or suggested topics to write about or something & then I want a sidebar of links and other goodies.

    Anyway, I'm totally psyched about the eventual completion of this project, as it will be the third really successful collaboration I have participated in (however peripherally) in as many months. It feels so great to work with other people to accomplish something I am in no way qualified to do on my own, and once this is completed, I'm going to set to work on clothespins for the revolution (which is totally gone gone gone, so I can't link it) and get that going...as well as re-launching the radical homeschool blog.

    Any joiners? I'm looking for a team to reconstruct and contribute to clothespins for the revolution, which is to be a conscientious consumerism support and resource zine and blog, and the radical homeschool blog, which is, um, a blog about radical homeschooling. You are also welcome to join up and post at the book blog and music blog whenever I get them up and running. And I will be accepting bribes for people who want to be included on the fullbleed dot net portal page. Just e-mail me to become part of the fullbleed empire. mwahahahahaha.

    Oh, and I will be changing out my crushes tonight. It's tough to decide...I'm going to choose three of the most intriguing candidates, and I'll reconsider the others next month. I gotta tell you, that crush mix is HOT! I've listened to it a few times now, and I'm quite impressed with my mixing abilities this time around.

    OK, so that's enough total bragging for now. I swear I'm just stoked on life, and I'm not a complete egotist.

    Posted at 8:37 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

    Excellent Resource

    May 1, 2003

    
    The Freedom Forum is a nonpartisan foundation dedicated to free press, free speech and free spirit for all people. The foundation focuses on three main priorities: the Newseum, First Amendment freedoms and newsroom diversity.

    Posted at 12:22 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

    long lost friend

    May 1, 2003

    A couple of weeks ago, I got a mysterious e-mail from a long-lost friend. Someone I knew when I was 17 and who disappeared without warning. This wasn't a person I knew really well, but it was someone I was involved with on and off at various points in my high school years, and I always had a degree of admiration for him, and I was pretty close with one of his best friends.

    There's something strangely (and wonderfully) disconcerting about having someone reappear into my life after 15 years of separation. I'm discovering all sorts of things about the person I was perceived to be at that formidable age, and realizing that I was totally not self-aware to any extent. He tells me things about myself (both intentionally and inadvertantly) that make me stop and think "really?" and wonder if that was how I was perceived by everyone. The fact that we weren't especially close makes it all the more revealing, as I'm getting somewhat of an outsider's perspective, although he is a particularly astute and observant outsider. (I've asked him to write a character sketch of me, for the novel, and I'm looking forward to seeing what he comes up with.)

    It's been a tremendous blessing to reconnect with this person again. It's enlivened me, made me more aware of who I am now and how I got here, and I feel as if I've been given a second chance to truly appreciate him, outside of the context of who he seemed to be when he was younger (and I think there were many things about him and me that caused me to keep him at a cautious distance at that point in our lives...not to mention the fact that, along with being completely un-self-aware, I was also pretty self-absorbed, and not really aware of other people). I absolutely LOVE him. I love who he has become, in spite of our immense differences in opinion and philosophy, and through that lens, I love who he was a lot more than I ever did before. If he lived closer to me, I don't think I would be able to stop hugging him.

    It all just sort of adds to the joy, doesn't it? And getting reacquainted with my old friend has been a source of great joy for me. I want to sincerely thank him for that. It's definitely one of the coolest things that has happened as a result of this blog.

    Posted at 9:19 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack