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« I feel like a dork. | Main | Trying something new... »

A Day.

May 25, 2003

Today was just kind of "a day." Nothing overly exciting happened, and nothing horrible happened either. I didn't really end up going out for any length of time. I walked a mile to the bus stop and then rode the bus for half a mile to treat myself to lunch, and while I was eating, I just started thinking that I would really rather be at home getting more stuff done than out and about just for the sake of being out and about.

So I came home. And I cleaned out the car, and hung some laundry and folded a shitload of clothes, and took a nap, and made some yummy dinner, and hung out with the kids, and hung out some more clothes...and it felt good to get so much accomplished around here. I still have plans to clean up the living room, but I think that's more of an "after the children are asleep" activity, as it will require going through bin after bin of toys and organizing them into their own smaller bins...and if I attempt to do this in front of the children, things will get played with, which is Not A Good Thing when one is attempting to organize.

Just as cy was waking from his nap, Uncle R and his girlfriend came over and brought toys for the boys. They just kind of walked into the house, which - i mean, I'm glad they're comfortable enough and feel welcome enough to do so, but I was dressed in my "not receiving visitors" clothes (thankfully I had already thrown a skirt on, so I had something covering The Hole In My Shorts that Shows My Ass) and I felt a little weirded out. Yes, folks, I am a total prude around most people. I am perfectly comfortable wearing a revealing tank top with no bra and holey shorts around the house and even out hanging laundry while the neighbors are in the yard or even out to take the trash to the curb, but if someone I know knocks on the door while I am thusly clad, I fly into a panic and rush to throw on more clothing. Unfortunately, I'm also somewhat embarrassed of my prudishness, so - while I was uncomfortable being so scantily clad in front of my husband's brother and his girlfriend, I was not willing to admit to this discomfort and put more clothes on.

Anyway, they didn't stay long, and I managed not to flash too much floppy boob while they were here. And the magnetic dart board they brought for m was a very nice gift...and right now m is singing to c from the songbook they brought for c (it has a little piano attached to it) - and Uncle R seems to be doing significantly better than he was doing the last time we saw him. So it was a nice visit - and they promised m they would come back tomorrow to play with him, which is also nice. The kids really love Uncle R - particularly cy, who, during the year-long Uncle R drought, would approach every male we encountered and say "Uncle R?" hopefully. When I told Uncle R this when he finally came back for a visit, I think he almost cried. And it really truly is amazing, considering cy was just barely a year old when Uncle R disappeared for a year.

Anyway, now we're just kind of hanging out. The kids had a snack and I'm taking a little time to write this long, boring blog entry. I had some thoughts earlier about the civilian death count in Iraq, and that essay that I"ve been wanting to write about the ratio of civilian to military deaths in post vietnam-era wars...but it makes me too angry to think about it, so I'll have to wait until the kids are in bed.

Speaking of anger, I've been able to regulate my bitchiness a bit better with the kids. HOWEVER I had a huge fight with L last night and I was AMAZED at the level of vitriol I expressed. I think I was downright verbally abusive to him and, although I think my anger was justified, my expression of it was frightening and just plain wrong. At the same time, it could be that I was totally repressing that anger, and releasing it at L has allowed me to be more authentic with the children. I think I need to find a better way to release, obviously...And the thing is I feel pissed about having to apologize for my behavior to L because I don't want him to think that I'm at all saying that my anger was unjustified. I'm going to have to calm down a lot more before I'm able to approach him about this. And what sucks is that the entire day was so peaceful between us, and we really have been in a very positive groove with each other, even making stabs at being intimate in ways that we have avoided for a long time.

Come to think of it...perhaps this fight was more of an unconscious attempt by one or both of us to upset the apple cart. Meaning, if we are pissed off at each other, we don't have to continue venturing forth into scary intimacy land where we will be vulnerable towards each other. I mean, he had to know that the things he was saying were going to piss me off. In fact, I warned him that he had better leave me alone altogether as I was paying the bills, and I am always greatly stressed when I pay the bills, but he persisted not only in proximity but in subject matter. And then my reaction was way overblown. I mean, I don't think I have EVER cursed someone out as much as I cursed him out. It was awful. And of course, rather than retreating to our own corners to kind of avoid further damage, we kept at it. So, yeah. I'm thinking it wasn't entirely unintentional, even if it was entirely unconscious. and, wow...I don't ever want to do that again.

Blah.

so, um, where was I? oh yeah...tonight. Still. I need to somehow get this baby to bed when/if he actually gets tired. He took a nap today, so there's no telling. And then I'm actually LOOKING FORWARD to sitting down in the living room and sifting through box after box of toys. Perhaps I'll even watch a movie or something while I do it. And tomorrow I have a day off, but I have no fucking idea what I'm going to do...probably more cleaning and organizing, especially if Uncle R hangs out with the kids for awhile. And Tuesday I have to have the auto shop tow the car in to fix the whatever it is that's wrong and have a good hard look at the brakes and i really really hope it's not too terribly expensive.

I'm certain that I have way overshared in this blog entry, but I'm throwing caution to the wind and publishing it anyway...because no one really reads blogs on holidays, right?

Posted at May 25, 2003 9:48 PM

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Comments

No holidays up here in the great white north this weekend ;)

Posted by: skyra at May 25, 2003 11:37 PM

Well, color me U.S.-centric!

Posted by: drublood at May 25, 2003 11:51 PM

and then there's loser-boy, here. happy memorial day.

[not that i'm a loser for being here...aw heck, i don't even know WHAT i mean. never mind.]

any way, hope you didn't bust any bloodvessels yelling at Mr. sometimes i think it's better to pop off than to try and be all vulcan and shit.

hang in there-

"r"

Posted by: r@d@r at May 26, 2003 2:48 AM

No words of advice here, you already expressed all my thoughts on the "maybes" and "what ifs" of the situation, so my natural case of "fix-it brain" is stymied. Instead I'm just sending big giant hugs to you and my biggest best wishes that things work out for the best, whatever that maybe.

Posted by: RedHeadDread at May 26, 2003 11:41 AM

Posted by: RedHeadDread at May 26, 2003 11:51 AM