Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: June 2003 Archives

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at the request of ms. blood

June 29, 2003

first, next year you must stop off here in eugene on the way to seattle and let me feed you and mojito you and let the kids run with leroy and hang out wiht me and laugh your ass off. i do live in a two bedroom apartment but leroy will have bunkbeds in his room by then and we'll work it out if you can spend the night.

today was nice. this whole weekend was good in bigfatmama land. yesterday was too damn hot and leroy has learned to say mama i am bored. i laughed the first time i heard it. he has repeated it many times since then. he wants kid company. i took him to the rugrats movie. the best part was when i fell asleep. then we came home and took a great long nap. my back is feeling much better.

while dru was gone, i call you that! do you use your real name online? some of us do and some of us really do not and you have been dru blood for so long! anyway i was going to dig deep and write some stuff i have been thinking about but no, i've been in the shallow end of the pool, just seeing how each day feels and dealing with anxiety about my back and starting summer school.

today like yesterday we went to the park, leroy took a bunch of pictures which as a doting mother i posted at my lj, it's a slide! a swing! livejournal is perfect for those willing to be as self-indulgent as you want to be. that works well for me. i'm the one who will sit and look at your baby book. i want to see you naked and smiling and ordinary. i'd like to see a picture of you yelling or making dinner. i like all of it. all that stuff that gets filed under boring. i don't think so.

leroy is visiting with his dad again in two weeks. last time we had the power struggle over leroy's binkie. gary decided that when leroy is with him, he will not have a binkie. it's his rule. so my baby came home with his lips swollen from licking and biting them. i'm torn. i want leroy to make his own choices about the binkie and i also realize i gave it to him as a comfort object, what do i replace it with? who am i to decide he is done?

then i think well, he won't have it when he is with his dad and that will be stressful. so if we can get rid of it when he is with me there won't be the stress of not having it when he is with his dad. and of course i'm tired of losing them and looking for them and he wakes me up at night telling me he can't find his binkie. don't wake me up. i need my sleep.

i think he is close. i don't want him to feel punished or wrong. i think that this is his safer environment and it might be easier for him to deal with not having it when he is with me.

yeah! dru blood has exciting world changing conference news and in the tiny space in the world i am occupying at the moment it's all about leroy's binkie.

now the weather has cooled about 20 degrees from yesterday at this time and it's very cool and overcast out. i wish that it would rain.

it's fun to guest blog. i recommend it!

Posted at 10:23 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

So Much To Say

June 29, 2003

I'm more than halfway done with my vacation, just one more day in DC before I hit the road again, and I have so much to write about but no motivation to get it all down. Tonight I MIGHT post some thoughts about the CTCnet conference, which went really well in spite of the opening keynote speech and all its classism. The conference was saved well before today, but it became even more apparent that I'm in the right field when I heard Art somethingorother (I'm going to get his last name from my boss so I can write him a long thank-you e-mail) gave his speech about activism and advocacy. I have so so much to write about all of the inspiring people I met and/or learned from at the conference, I really don't know where to start.

I've had a fantastic time staying at the house of Pear, as well. I really don't think I can thank them enough for providing such a mellow and relaxing place, in addition to all else that they provided. It has been such a pleasure to be here and to hang out with the Pears.

Tomorrow, I will be heading out to some art museums with m and our friends J and her son, I. I'm hoping to meet up with Bellis (who made me laugh on the phone tonight, first because she called me dru, and second because she also listens to Pastor Sanders...and she actually LISTENED to all of my freaked out audblogs that I posted during that weird marathon traffic jam at the end of my journey.) and possibly Ms. Lorraine, who is such a sweet woman. We were going to get together tonight, but she wasn't feeling well, and I've been spending a lot of time tonight focusing some intense "feeling better" vibes on her not only because I so very much want her to feel better, but also, selfishly, because I would just love to see her again before I go. Either way, though, I'm going to beg for them to come to Austin sometime in the future - perhaps for sxsw next year? Pretty please?

Speaking of next year, the conference culminated with the announcement that next year's conference will be in (drumroll please) SEATTLE! So, um, I'm going to start looking for people in Seattle who might be willing to put up with my dog and pony show during the conference. I'm already sort of thinking that I might be able to leave the kids with one or both of my brothers who live along the way, but what an excellent road trip that would be! I'm currently accepting applications for travel partners for that one...serious inquiries only, please.

After tomorrow's big day, we'll probably turn in early so we can get an early start on Tuesday and drive through the National Park and onward to Nashville, where we will get to enjoy the company of Tracy and her little man again. Then I'm taking the decidedly more direct route home to Austin, perhaps stopping for the night once more along the way if necessary (it'll probably be necessary, but I'm thinking optimistically, for the sake of saving a little money.)

It's been excellent so far. m got a bit homesick today, but I think he got over it relatively quickly. c has done quite well, actually...and I have pretty much avoided driving almost the whole time I've been here, so I'm almost ready to hit the open road once again.

I hope everyone is doing well. I don't know if I will be posting much from this point until I get home. I'm loving the guest bloggers, although they seem to have disappeared here. I want to hear more from them! More!

Posted at 9:28 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Some Links

June 28, 2003

Here are some good links from the conference thus far:

Digital Sisters, Inc.
NetAction Virtual Activist Training Guide
Idealist.org
E The People
Petitionsite.com
Technology for Activists
Global Internet Liberty Campaign
Digital Empowerment
witness.org
justthink.org
mediarights.org
listenup.org
mediathatmattersfest.org
Poetic License

I'll probably explain more about these later. I just wanted to dump them here for now while I'm my "coffee break"

Posted at 9:49 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Classist Bullshit

June 27, 2003

...is what I wrote in my notebook while listening to the keynote speaker at today's festivities. She was talking about her wonderful community technology program in Palo Alto CA, and about how parents of the children in her community are "ill-equipped" to provide them with the tools they need to achieve "prestigious" jobs. And how the children she works with talk about how they want to become janitors and landscapers like their parents, and doctors and lawyers like the people they see on TV.

What the fuck?

Is this a progressive event, or is it an event that perpetuates the stigmatization of certain career choices?

Which is not to say that I don't see the value in promoting education to enhance choices among children in economically depressed areas, but can we not also be mindful of the vocabulary we use to discuss career choices and opportunities so we are not continuing to oppress those who either have no choice or actually choose to be janitors and landscapers?

I have a lot to say on this subject, but I've just been called back to session. I'd love to hear what everyone thinks about education and career options and why some careers are set up to be less worthy than others. Because I keep encountering this wall within my organization...and it frustrates me to no end. Obviously, our society is set up to make so-called "higher" education unachievable by all, so why do we then conclude that those who do not obtain a degree are somehow unfit or unworthy of decency, not to mention unable to turn around and provide their children with information necessary for them to make their own decisions about what to do with their futures.

No parent who cares about their children is "ill-equipped" I don't fucking care if you never even went to school, if you have a child and you love that child, you are perfectly equipped to find ways to help that child become whoever that child wishes to become.

OK...these are rough thoughts...more later. Please feel free to discuss for now, I'm not sure when I'll be back.

Posted at 12:52 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Hey Everyone...

June 27, 2003

I have arrived safely and have spent the last couple of days shuffling around DC and trying to keep the kids from totally destroying everything in the homes of my lovely hosts. Right now, they are in the gentle care of dear Lorraine, who has graciously volunteered (um, or unceremoniously demanded - take your pick!) to take on the monumental task of keeping them while dear mini pear is ill.

Can I even put to words how thankful I am that I am able to travel with kids and that I have such nice people to help me out? I don't think I can, but I certainly do appreciate it. And I want to put the word out that I would totally do the same for any wayward mama or papa out there who might want to pass through Austin and hole up in our hovel for awhile. In fact, I'm now pretty much dying to return the favor to anyone anyway I know how, because I'm completely feeling neurotic and weird about the amount of kindness that has been offered to me...all in exchange for my tired ramblings and little else.

At any rate, the theme for the last day and a half would, in fact, be tiredness. Near exhaustion. But there's that prick of anticipation, that "what comes next" feeling that I have that keeps me going. I was leafing through the paper, looking for cool stuff for me and the kids to do while we are here, and it occurs to me that we really have already done enough cool stuff to call it a vacation and just relax.

m had wanted to go to the zoo, and we did that, even though zoos make me really sad. The kids seemed to have the most fun in the mist sprayers that were located at various junctures in the park, and I don't think m even gaped at the big old silverback gorilla that was sitting right up against the plexiglass of his enclosure. Poor, sweet fella, picking at stalks of hay and flitting tired eyes towards the voyeurs of his life.

Little else monumental has happened, really. We hung out with Lorraine and Sol yesterday, and stayed with them last night. I am pleased to report that Lorraine and Adam and Sol are definitely authentic to the little digital voices I have been receiving over the past year. Truly wonderful people are so rare, yet seem so common in this space that I've found. And it's been so enjoyable to be in their presence.

Which is not at all to say that the wonderful Ms. Pear is any less enjoyable. It's just that I was more recently in the presence of LA&S...

cy is absolutely IN LOVE with Mr. Pear...we're going to try to get a picture of the look on his face whenever he sees him. It is high comedy in a very endearing way. The first time c met him, he exclaimed "[insert real name here] is here! HOORAY!" ran to greet him, and did not stop competing for his attention for the rest of the evening. Something tells me that the boys both miss their papa, although they haven't complained about being away from home. m did reflect fondly about the homestead last night, but almost immediately after, he began talking about our next trip, which will be to Portland, Maine...at a yet undetermined time, although if we have the money autumn after this coming, I would love to go. We want to be leafers touring the east coast, because the kids have never seen a real change of colors before.

Anyway, the Pears are wonderful hosts, as well, and they have such a nice, relaxing home. Ms. P is truly a wonder. I'm so amazed by her quilts and her sense of color and style. I don't even know if she recognizes how very calming her home is. Well, I'm sure it's difficult to recognize with my rambunctious children running about yelling POOOP! every 5 seconds. And I'm afraid I've inflicted m with a penchant for the word ASS, ever since I exclaimed about ass coma in the car during that horrible traffic jam.

So much more. Like, if you actually listened to those countless audblogs, you would know that I called into a talk radio show to BS about how I was with an organization called Ladies Against Women, etc. But what I didn't audblog was that they prayed for me later in the show. And the host was trying to make a case for the fact that I was Hilary Clinton herself. And that the host and his guest ACTUALLY SAID that if Hilary Clinton were elected president, "the ears of big sister" would be in everyone's homes.

Bahahahhahahahaahahaha

anyway, the conference is about to begin, and I best scoot into the aud. I just saw my nice boss wander past the door. There are links I'd like to add to this post, but I'll have to do that later. I'm pretty sure I'm spending my lunch break in here, so you'll hear from me again later.

Hope all is going well with everyone. And to anyone who thought I couldn't do it, NEENER NEENER NEENER. I'm here. I'm freaking invincible. And I have the best little travel mates in the history of the world.

Posted at 7:53 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

bigfatbackpain

June 26, 2003

i'm better today but still worried, although the pain is much less, almost gone, my left side is still locked. if i stand up and bend to the right side i go down. if i try to bend to the left i can barely move. so i was thinking of seeing a chiropractor today, hoping that would move this along. i don't know anyone down here. i have some money but seeing a chiropractor would make a good dent, i have about a hundred until the end of the month, about thirty bucks in food stamps. well, it's the 26th.

i walked leroy to school, moving slow but moving without pain, still not easily. i changed my schedule, he stays until 5, well, i pay until 5 mon-thurs now because my african american lit class gets out at 3pm. he won't stay until 5. i'll get there as soon as i can. it's working out. that feels good. i emailed my mentor in comparative lit for this paper and asked about credits, she said, as many as you need and feel better! that made me feel much better. don't you love it when people say yes?

and then leroy this morning was just a pleasure. he was running in the middle of the living room and we would both just laugh, it was like having a drug buddy, there was no script, nothing anyone else would understand just laughing and twirling craziness and happiness. he asked to wear his power ranger ninja storm tank top and shorts. he looked so fine. he went in the bedroom in front of the long mirror and did all these arm movements, his stance wide and low, my little ninja. i watched from the door. he turned and saw me and fell on the bed laughing.

i walked back from his school worrying about seeing someone i don't know, sometime chiropractors can mess you up and i don't want to go back, i want to go forward. i thought about what i could do. the air felt so nice. the little playground was shaded and cool and quiet. no one is around, it's summer term. i stood on the pavement surrounding the turtle and the wood chips. before tai chi class we didn't do standing meditation, we did some arm swinging and stretches, so i did a short very modified version. and then i started the form. just the first part, where you can close it. i don't know how long that is, when we went to the beach for tai chi weekends with people who didn't do yang we would always do a very short yang form together, sometimes over and over. that is what i did. then i heard some people walking, i was standing, preparing to do it again and i just kept standing, adjusting my body a little, remembering how that used to feel. there was the fence and the empty field and grass and trees. i felt like i was breathing them all in together. i heard the people leave the apartment and i did the form again. then i tried bending to the right. i got a few inches.

i had such a passion for tai chi. that is another thing i like best about myself, i am enthusiastic. i get excited. and then tai chi got mixed up with feelings about gary and anger towards sifu and hurt all over the place. but it used to be my favorite thing and it still can make me feel put back together.

Posted at 11:25 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

I am a diy sellout

June 25, 2003

jim jazz musician and i have been cutting our own hair for quiet some time but have become extremely disreputable looking in the process somehow. So tomorrow we have an appointment to have someone else cut our hair.
I feel really irritated that I have to spend actual money on a haircut for a four year old but Jim has taken up only cutting one side. This may be intentional, but I am afriad of the lopsided sunburn that will ensue.
Is it being too authoritarian to impose a symmetrical hairstyle on jim? I hope not but am thinking she will probably forgive me halfway home on the bus.

Posted at 9:13 AM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

audblog audio post

June 24, 2003

audblog audio post

i was in a house i used to live in with erik the acupuncturist. it was a large old house in ne portland, made of old growth and thick panes of glass in the windows but in my dreams it has rooms to the left on the second floor, it's huge and the floors are cracked and broken and lead to another large unsafe space and that space is where i used to live. in my dreams.

now my aunt ev and alisa were living in the house and we were checking out her trousseau. alisa was married last year. not in dream life. and ivyblogs from lj and xanga was there, her brother owned an ice cream shop and her freezer was full of those commercial ice cream tubs. she was scooping for the kids while we looked at fancy lingerie.

adam duritz was there and i was telling him about my plan to dread leroy's hair. this is against everything i am for. still, it was my dream. and usually there is a celebrity in my dream.

i woke up thinking about the house, which is often in my dreams. once my cousin joanna told me that houses represent the self. in my dreams this house is always the one i used to live in with erik and it is always bigger and more broken. my back is still hurting. i'm big and broken.

more like scenes from a dream than a whole dream narrative. i'm not apologizing! i am still moving slow and i won't go to school today. the thought stresses me out. last night i found some classes i can take later this summer and i'm relieved i can focus on my research paper. i wish i had bought those bell hooks books i was looking at last weekend! she inspires me to write, no matter what book of hers i am reading.

doesn't it sound like dru is having a wonderful time on her trip? she and the kids sound so happy.

Posted at 9:02 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

resident of the united states of love

June 23, 2003

hey it's angela aka bigfatmama at lj. it's past nine, leroy is sleeping, i have hair on the dvd for noise, i love to look over and see twyla tharp shaking her thing and hear nell carter, look at her so beautiful and young.

i hurt my back yesterday. it didn't seem like much, i left to run errands but by the time we had returned leroy's movies i was sweating and in pain, realizing the left half of my lower back was locked up and my legs weren't moving right. it got worse throughout the day. more painful. i was upset because today is the first day of summer school, i'm taking second year spanish and i knew absences would be tight.

when i called i got this woman who told me to go to class. i reminded her that i wasn't there because i injured my back. you have choices to make, she said. i said something rude. well, i was going to link to my blog but trying to live up to the people who are sure that i have NO shame, i will repeat what i said again. i said, "Is there someone in the office i can talk to who isn't a huge bitch?" that is what mama angie said. in my defense, she was real snotty and i was in pain. i lose my temper. i'm afraid for my new readers that wasn't the first time ever. it's monday morning. she works at a university. she has more good reasons to hate students than i did to be rude, i am sure.

anyway, ms. thing held it together and stuck me in a voicemail where i left an uncomplaining i really am a nice person message. linda called me back and told me i could pass the class if i attend tomorrow. i thanked her very graciously. still trying to prove my mother did not raise me in a barn.

so here is my problem for anyone still reading. i have this paper to write, a research paper and i have to present it at a symposium in early august. i haven't started it, except for the title and the theme. maybe i should skip spanish, take the financial aid hit and just focus on this paper which is a big deal and if it is good could help me a lot in getting into grad school.

hello people! dru is somewhere on the road with m and c and i'm here in my living room, which is in eugene, oregon, not my favorite place, not my hometown but it's better than i thought it would be and it is where i go to school at the university of oregon. leroy is singing, he just asked me what we were doing today, i ignored him! i was writing! now he is singing and i don't want to interrupt.

this is a terrible introduction! i'm going to see if i can pull it out! okay, my name is angie, i'm single mama to leroy xavier, who will be four in four weeks, tomorrow summer school starts and today for the third day in a row leroy woke up asking if he could go to school. so if you love dru blood for the unschooling you won't get that here! not that i don't have respect for that, and an interest, certainly, but mama needs to go to school! it pays the bills. it is better than working full time. and so baby goes to preschool. which obviously, he loves. he misses his friends. we just had a good talk about what we are going to do today. grocery shopping! sounds good to me!

i keep a livejournal where i talk about my life, being a mama, a student, someone who has found herself reluctantly in middle age. and of course being a bigfatmama. i think i'm on dru's blog roll and if i do a good job keeping it live while she's gone maybe she will crush on me next month. it could happen. she's so cute, right? i could use the love love. my sister mychele calls me angie two times because that was the baby talk i adopted when leroy was born, i said everything two times. mychele became aunt chel chel. love love. jam jams. milk milk. pretty bad, yeah? well, some people, who might have been trying to dodge the hormones said that as baby talk went it wasn't so bad.

that's it for me, not even nine am on sunday morning. look ma, no coffee! next time there will be. i mean it!

Posted at 10:37 AM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

m on Aging...and his "inside body"

June 22, 2003

I was having a conversation with m over dinner about how he can do many of the things that I can do, but not all of them. In a parental moment, I said "Yeah, well, there are some things you can do that I can't do, too."

Which was kinda dumb, because then I couldn't think of anything.

"I can fit in my fish floatie and you can't, mom."

"yeah..." I agreed, not wanting to stick with issues of physical size, I added "You can have a seventh birthday - I'll never ever be able to have a seventh birthday again."

I thought it might have been a bit esoteric for him, but he parried back:

"Well, yes you can, mom. Maybe not with your outside body you can't, but you can always have a seventh birthday with your inside body. Whenever you want to."

Why, yes I can, can't i?

He tied it all up in a neat package by saying:

"I'm glad I am the only one who knows what's going on inside my own mind, mom."

And all I can think about after this is...what an amazing child I have. I'm so very, very lucky.

And also...I gotta go, I think I have a re-do on my 26th birthday coming up in a month or so & I have some planning to do.

Posted at 12:00 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

I'm gone.

June 21, 2003

To bed with me, and then I'm gone as soon as we get up in the morning. This is actually my final post until I have some sort of computer access and time to post, but I'm putting m's words of wisdom at the top for something to remember me by until the imposters start posting.

I'm psyched. I'm totally prepared. I feel great, and I'm going to have an excellent time!

Posted at 11:46 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Revised to do list

June 21, 2003

I've completed some of the things on my to-do list and added more

~~Get k's contact information (and gather contact information of other people)~~ Done, although I still need contact info from a few people...I"m planning to e-mail them tonight or tomorrow.
~~Pack (making packing lists, too)~~
~~go on "no mail" on various e-mail lists~~
download e-mail to hard drive Wouldn't you know I managed to screw up outlook while setting up my e-mail settings, so now I have to reinstall it I even downloaded and installed all of the windows updates
Call AAA and/or State Farm to figure out travel insurance deal I'm hoping they'll cover me quickly
~~deposit stipend check~~ It was less than I was told it would be, but still more than I had initially expected
pay bills I'm procrastinating this for obvious reasonsfuck it...I'll just bring them with me and write checks from the hotel tomorrow evening.
~~find someone to take care of the dog~~
post request for road recipe ideas at "full bellies" It's probably a little late to do this. I am in no mood for cooking. I'll just get easy road food stuff at the store and cook when I get to DC
~~go grocery shopping for snacky foods~~
burn more cd's of mp3's in progress
clean out car not much left to do on this
~~clean out cooler and find insulated lunch bags for the kids~~
~~make sure insurance card is in the car~~
~~clean out backpack~~
find spare car key and money belt where IS that spare key?
~~um, it might be a good idea to look at a freaking visitor's guide and see what sorts of fun stuff we can do in DC. But maybe I'll wait until I'm there to do that.~~ I'm just going to wing it
~~Charge the digital camera and sync the pda~~
Pack the car (DON'T FORGET THE JUICE IN THE FREEZER)Pretty much done...I don't want to put anything valuable in there until the morning
~~Pack a backpack with one change of clothes for each of us (to bring into the hotel)~~
get ice for the cooler right before bed or first thing in the morning.

I have decided I'm going to go with full gadgetopia, computer, camera, pda and all...especially since I'll probably be trying to write curriculum while I'm at the conference. It's not going to take up THAT MUCH extra space to bring the VAIO, so why not? I can stash it under a seat somewhere.

I'm still concerned about the jack situation, and the roadside rescue thing. I NEED to call AAA tomorrow. I have no idea why I've procrastinated so freaking much.

I really think I WAY overbought the toys, but we usually do a little supply run at the beginning of each season, and much of what I gathered is educational, so I'm justifying.

I'll have one more day online...there's still time to request to blog for me while I'm gone. I think I have three brave volunteers so far...if I haven't set up an account for you, and yr interested, you should e-mail me.

I'm quite proud of my deception - I have m convinced that we're not leaving until Monday...and he's going to be totally surprised when I wake him up tomorrow and it's time to go! mwahahahahahaha

Posted at 11:16 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Happy Solstice...

June 21, 2003

I forgot to wish everyone a nice, lazy, hot, unproductive, sweaty summer.

Except those in the Southern hemisphere, who I hope have a nice, lazy, cold, unproductive, chilly winter.

The long days will make my drive that much easier.

Happy solstice!

Posted at 3:50 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Those Last Minute Decisions

June 21, 2003

I'm pondering these last minute things. I have already gone ahead and signed on to AAA travel services (thanks to some generous donations which made it a lot less painful to do so, financially speaking) and now I'm just sort of wondering about when to begin the journey.

On my last long trip, I discovered that it was best to sleep in for as long as possible and then hit the road when everyone was awake. This allowed me to be fully awake when we started the day, even if the kids were a little hyper by the end of the day. Waking up early and loading everyone into the car before the sun rises has its benefits, too...for instance, there's less traffic, the kids are more apt to fall asleep somewhere down the road, and I'm able to do a good long stretch during prime morning hours.

I'm not sure which of these methods to choose, although I am leaning towards the sleeping in as long as possible thing because right now I'm feeling kind of tired, and/but I have a feeling I'll be up pretty early in the morning due to pure adrenaline anyway.

I'll be going to the grocery store after work today to pick up road food for the next two days. My shopping list looks something like this:

hummus
tortillas (takes up less space than bread, and not as apt to get smushed)
peanut butter
crackers/graham crackers/rice cakes
nuts
fruit leather
fruit! (fresh and dried)
carrots & celery & green pepper (cy loves loves loves raw green pepper)
soy milk
jugs of water
juice boxes (for m, because he's such an awesome little guy, he deserves this little luxury, even though it's totally not a necessity)
calomine lotion (cy's got the sweet blood)
tea tree oil
kid calm (camomile to drop into cy's water)
perhaps some lavender incense or perfume oil spray to keep us calm in the car
I'll probably also make a huge bag of popcorn for us. yum! ...

Dunno what else I'll be needing, but that's what I'm going for, and if I see anything else that catches my eye, I'm throwing it in the basket. I'm hoping it doesn't end up being too terribly expensive.

I've cleaned out the car and put what I hope will amount to a day's worth of toys in individual tubs for the kids. m has lots of puzzle books and c has a bunch of stickers and things. I think they'll have fun with them.

I need to remember to bring m's little fan, because it gets hot in the middle seat.

What else? I don't know. I'm so excited, and I'm hoping my stand-ins are ready to post some cool stuff. I can't wait to read my own blog when I get a chance, because I'm sure the brave people who have volunteered to keep things interesting will truly keep things interesting.

This might or might not be my last post before the trip. I'll try to audblog from the road. hahahaha

Posted at 3:44 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

money money money money...

June 20, 2003

Today is your last chance to donate to the trip fund. I'm not begging or anything, but...um...I'm kinda doing some wishful thinking.

Posted at 12:35 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Summer Crush Mix

June 20, 2003

I've finalized the playlist for the summer crush mix - if anyone is eager to be crushed on:

Nick Cave - Still in Love
PJ Harvey - The River
Pixies - La La Love You
John Lennon - Working Class Hero
The Ex - Mother
Jawbreaker - Drone
The Eyeliners - It Could Have Been You
Thelonious m - 'Round Midnight
The Handsome Family - Winnebago Skeletons
A Tribe Called Quest - Can I Kick It?
Nick Cave - I Let Love In
Atom and His Package - Black Metal Friends
The Strike - Victoria
Buffalo Daughter - Dr. Mooooog
The Clash - Overpowered by Funk
The Donnas - 40 Boys in 40 Nights
The Handsome Family - Tin Foil
Bran Van 3000 - Gimme Sheldon
Girl Trouble - How Can I Be Out When I Ain't Been In
Spearhead - Hole in the Bucket

Woo woo! Not as HOT as the last mix, but I figured the summer's a bit sweltering anyway...so I went for somewhat depressing and a whole lotta rocking.

Posted at 12:27 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

The gasman cometh, and he doesn't like cloth napkins

June 19, 2003

The gasmen were just here to turn the gas back on (don't EVEN ask), and while one of them was kindly re-lighting the water heater pilot (which the gas company was supposed to charge me like 30 bux extra for, and my gasmen did on the down-low) he got some laundry soap on his shoe.

He came into the kitchen, where all of the dirty dishes were unceremoniously heaped all over the place, emanating a strange odor, and where Nina Hagen was singing her warped rendition of "I'm a Believer," and asked me if I Had a paper towel.

"No," I said, "We don't have paper towels here...but I can give you a cloth napkin."

"nono...that's ok." He said.

"No, really," I said, thrusting a dishtowel at him. "We just wash them and reuse them, it's really not a big deal."

"No, really...I couldn't." He insisted, and asked his friend for the paper towel that was hanging out of his pocket.

And I'm left wondering what in the world could that man have possibly been thinking about me that accepting a cloth dishtowel to clean SOAP off of his shoe would have been improper somehow? hahahahaha

Posted at 9:56 AM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

Cursed bicycle

June 19, 2003

Yesterday, I don't know if it was apparent...but I was having a pretty bad day. c woke me up WAY too early, I was tired and grouchy and I had a headache (probably caffeine withdrawal) all day.

So I took the kids to Wheatsville Food Co-op to get some breakfast and some sandwich fixings for lunch, because there was no way I was going to cook anything for them (mostly because just about every dish in the house is dirty right now).

Wheatsville with cy is a challenge. The child wants to touch everything and he has his own agenda for whether or not he's going to listen to me at any given point in time. He's awesome in the shopping cart, but allowing him to run free is a total test of my patience. So I chased himup and down the aisles and somehow managed to order us some food at the deli, and everything else that needed to be accomplished there.

Then I left c's taco at the deli accidentally when I went to pay, so I had to run back and get it. And I paid for our food and went outside.

m led the way to the table, and there was a bicycle carelessly parked, blocking the way to the patio. m managed to knock it over, and I had my hands full, so while I was making my way to the table to put the food down, c got his foot caught in the spokes of one of the wheels.

I was cursing the owner of the bicycle under my breath as I righted it, and, as I'm fairly neurotic about such things, I put the bike back in as close to the same position as we found it as possible. It would have been much better if I had put the bike in a position that made it more convenient for people to pass through, because just after I finished putting it back up, a lady came out of wheatsville, had to do some crazy contortion to get past it, and she was kind enough to move it to the side.

Shortly thereafter, the owner of the bike came out, hopped onto it, started riding off, and proceeded to completely wipe out right in front of us. Stupid cursed bike.

Oh, and right after that, the cashier came out to hand me my cash card, which I had left on the counter.

*sigh*

Posted at 9:43 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Did I mention I love Tish?

June 18, 2003

Well, I'll say it again. I love, love, love her.

But what about soda machines in public facilities? I completely support getting them out of public facilities. I rarely drink soda. It is even more rare that I drink the two most often consumed brands of soda. I have issues with huge multinational conglomerates. And let me be clear: I am really very fat.
I have a friend, an athlete, who drinks large bottles of Coke every day. It can't be good for her. But if you saw the two of us on the street, you would assume that I drink soda and she does not. And you would be wrong.

Posted at 7:56 PM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

Where is everyone?

June 18, 2003

Nyeesh...you'd think it was summer or something.

Well, those of us who can't stand the sun are inside blogging. So I figured I'd inflict the rest of you non fun-in-the-sun types with more of my endless list-making.

Its - THE PACKING LIST

Clothing

Mom

The kids
(each)
3 pairs of pants
3 pairs of shorts
5 shirts
socks and undergarments and things
swimsuits

toiletries

General purpose

Entertainment

Music

Toys
stuff that's already in the car like magic ink maze books and puzzle books
Leap pad
stuffed animals
hot wheels cars
books

food

Cooler

non-perishable
granola
nuts
fruit bars (these things kept cy alive on the last trip! and kept me sane)
bread and/or tortillas
peanut butter
suggestions???!!!!

ESSENTIAL THINGS THAT I CANNOT LEAVE WITHOUT

I hope I'm not forgetting anything...

Posted at 5:02 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

A couple of other notes.

June 18, 2003

You are probably going to witness my obsessive tendency towards list-making in times of "crisis" - not that taking this trip is anything like a crisis, but I tend to make tons and tons of lists for trips.

Before I do this, though, I have to pause and wonder what the fuck is my problem with staying in touch with local friends. Lately I've been running into a lot of local friends who I would like to hang out with, but I can't seem to find the time to do so. It's weird. Like, I would really like to hang out with Rosa Maria and make some yummy foods for the road, but I can't put myself in a position where I'm calling her or e-mailing her to make those plans. It's almost like someone has to show up on my doorstep for me to actually see them, and I really can't stand having unexpected guests, so that leaves chance...and while I chance upon friends a lot, it would be nice to have PLANS with someone every once in awhile.

This is pretty much totally my fault. With the exception of k8, and to some extent Chris, I hardly ever initiate phone calls with people and make plans. While I love love love k8 and Chris, I'm not quite sure what makes them the lucky recipients of my phoney love and no one else. My friend W has managed to make plans with me only through persistence and e-mail, and I so enjoy talking to him, but if he didn't e-mail me, I wouldn't make plans with him.

I wish I knew why this is. Sure, I value my alone time - and there are Fridays and Sundays (which are my days off when I get time to myself) that I just want to be alone without having to interact with anyone, but there are plenty of days when I have the kids that it would be nice to just hang out with someone, being mellow. And I"m fortunate enough to live in the same town with a bevy of cool folks to hang out with.

So, I dunno. Perhaps being in DC will help me break out of this habit of non-communication. Or, perhaps I'm just going to have to learn to deal with the fact that I'm just not an incredibly social person.

We'll see.

Posted at 8:06 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

To Do List

June 18, 2003

OK, here goes:

~~Get k's contact information (and gather contact information of other people)~~
~~Pack (making packing lists, too)~~
~~go on "no mail" on various e-mail lists~~
download e-mail to hard drive
Call AAA and/or State Farm to figure out travel insurance deal
~~deposit stipend check~~
pay bills
~~find someone to take care of the dog~~
post request for road recipe ideas at "full bellies"
go grocery shopping for snacky foods
burn more cd's of mp3's
clean out car
~~clean out cooler and find insulated lunch bags for the kids~~
~~make sure insurance card is in the car~~
clean out backpack
find spare car key and money belt
~~um, it might be a good idea to look at a freaking visitor's guide and see what sorts of fun stuff we can do in DC. But maybe I'll wait until I'm there to do that.~~
???I'm sure there's more...but I'll have to add to this later.???

Posted at 7:39 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

So so sleepy...so so much to do

June 18, 2003

It's unbelievable how very much I have to do to prepare for my trip that starts EARLy sunday morning. For instance, I don't even have the address and phone number of the person I'm staying with, and I haven't gathered the phone numbers I've collected for stops along the way and put them somewhere that I'll be able to find them when we're traveling. I haven't signed up for AAA (and it might be too late to do that now) and I haven't even begun to think about what to pack or any of that.

And I'll pretty much be busy up until it's time to go. Like, really busy. Like, work busy and playgroup busy and oh fuck I'm so fucking tired I can't even imagine driving for 12 hours a day for 2 days busy.

But I'll get over it. I'm sure I will. And in the end, all I really need are my kids, the car, my keys, and my wallet. Everything else is extra and can be dealt with.

I think.

I've been so good about cleaning up the house before I go to bed, and meditating and writing in my paper journal. But tonight I think I really want to just go to sleep.

There's a lot that I would like to write about but I just don't have the energy. Nighty night!

Posted at 12:01 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Just a short note of self-affirmation.

June 17, 2003

I seem to be patting myself on the back a lot lately, but I wanted to leave this note so I can look back and read it in the future and kind of remember where the kids were at at this point in time.

Lately, I'm hearing c and m talk about how happy they are a lot. Just about every day, without prompting from me, m tells me that he enjoys his life. Today, out of the blue, he said "Mom. I'm really happy." cy, at the pool, laughing and laughing, tells me "I'm having FUN, mama!" I can't even tell you how good this is to hear, particularly with the situation with L being what it is, and feeling under a tremendous amount of pressure to keep things running smoothly in the house. To keep the tension to a minimum, and to allow for the maximum amount of joy possible.

I'm sure one day the kids will feel like they've had a miserable life, and I don't want to throw this in their face as proof that they didn't...but I do want to have proof for myself that we are having fun, that the kids enjoy what they are given, and that we are able to have fun.

Today, m said "I'm lucky to be a member of this family," and I was able to look him in the eye, after a rough morning filled with having to define and redefine limits with him, and explain and re-explain boundaries and issues of appropriate and inappropriate behavior, and say "m...we're lucky to have you here with us, too."

And, damnit...it's true. I feel like the luckiest mama in the world, and my kids are pretty lucky, as well.

Posted at 4:50 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Update on the Bryants...

June 17, 2003

I'm liking this family more and more every time I read about them:

DSS and the Bryants agree that the children are in no way abused mentally, physically, sexually or emotionally, but legal custody of the children was taken from Kim and George Bryant in December 2001. The children will remain under the legal custody of DSS until their 16th birthdays.
The parents have been ruled unfit because they did not file educational plans or determine a grading system for the children, two criteria of Waltham's homeschooling policy.

DSS officials did not return phone calls on Friday, but have said that removing the children from the Bryant home would be their last course of action.

Emphasis added.

If that doesn't make you want to throw a brick through a window...I don't know what will.

Any of you who have children should truly understand what is being done here. The state, in a move that can only be termed the ultimate in patriarchical bullshit, is basically punishing EVERYONE because a couple of kids won't take a test.

The Bryants have a valid point - if private school students aren't required to take the tests, why is it an offense that is worthy of this degree of punishment?

You want to talk about abuse? I would say that the state is guilty of abusing these children by creating a situation in which their future is uncertain. They are creating instability in the lives of these children. Not their parents. Not the practice of homeschooling. No child should have to live in fear of being taken from their loving home because of A TEST. There are plenty of kids out there who are much more worthy of the attentions of DSS - and I'm really curious what the ulterior motive is here.

These children and their parents are my heroes. It takes a lot of bravery to do what they are doing, and there are no words to express my gratitude to them for taking a stand against a system that is threatening to separate them based on a stupid assessment test. I'm practically in tears.

At the same time, the unrepentant unschooler in me is thinking "Man, what an awesome way for those kids to learn about the legal system..." I just hope it's not a lesson that is too hard taught.

Thanks for the link, Nurse Ratched.

Posted at 12:52 PM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

Health

June 17, 2003

I love this post by Tish. She really conveys her thoughts in a clear and concise but decidedly poetic way. You should read her all the time.

Take a walk. Do some yoga. Swim. Dance. It's fun. But fuck the people who want to fill the gyms with paying members lined up on tread mills, obedient to the social injunction of being healthy. Health is about a lot of things. Sitting in a garden, eating food that's made with olives and lemons, talking to a friend you never thought you'd get a chance to meet, or a friend you haven't seen in too long, listening for the humming of the poet next door, might be a very healthy thing.

Posted at 11:57 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

homeschooling freedom

June 16, 2003

Yesterday, as I was hanging clothes on the line, I was thinking about this article about government infringement on not only educational but parental freedom. I was thinking about how hard it is, sometimes, to support some of my fellow homeschoolers who espouse views on education that I disagree with. Parents who enforce strict rules about who their children socialize with, parents who delay or accelerate their children's learning to what I feel to be an unhealthy degree, parents who inculcate inaccurate "information"...I think the list of people I disagree with coujld go on and on.

And, I'm sure, there are plenty of homeschooling parents who find it difficult to support unschoolers. I have no curriculum, I don't set aside specific times during the day to "do school" with my children, I don't push learning. I let it happen. And it happens, but I'm sure it's kind of frightening for some people who have been raised with the idea that learning is something that is forced upon you.

And as I was hanging laundry, I thought about a counter argument to homeschooling that has hung me up (pardon the pun) on a few occasions. About the potential for abuse, and for abused homeschooled children going undetected by the system.

I thought about this, and suddenly it seemed like a really stupid argument. First of all - how many public school children are abused and not detected? And if a homeschooled child is abused, what would the guarantee be that that child would not be abused if he or she was in public school? And isn't it equally possible or probable for public schooled children to be abused when they are at home with mom and dad. And, you know what, neglect is abuse, too...and how many young public school children are left in school from 7 AM until some ungodly hour of the night...is that not abuse?

And then my thinking slid a little under the surface of that counterargument. What is really being said when we are taught to be concerned about the safety of homeschooled children? Think about it...it's actually kind of scary. Because what's really being implied is that it's preferable to allow our children to be monitored and supervised by the state than by their own parents and communities. And if we allow ourselves to dwell on the possibility that "allowing" parents the freedom of homeschooling their children might open a door for those children to be abused, we are accepting that we want the state to oversee our parenting.

It's sad and it's sick when I child is abused. I am not at all saying that children should not have advocates for their own safety. But when you hear cases where perfectly healthy children are threatened to be removed from their parents' care, you really start to wonder whose self-interest is being served by that...and what is happening in the meantime to the children who actually need advocacy and interference?

UPDATE (from a comment):
And what of preschool-aged children? Are they not abused? Because if you extend the argument that public schools are necessary to monitor the homelives of children, would that argument not include preschool-aged children? Would it be justifiable to force parents to put their young children in daycare "just in case" they are being abused...because we need to have the state monitor our children?

And what of abuse in the school itself? What of all of the violence, the shootings, the stabbings? Certainly those things are rare, but is parental abuse of homeschooled children any less rare? And what about the teachers in schools who are abusive? Would anyone deny that there is potential for damage within the system itself?

No. The argument for public schools as an effective monitor of the mental health of our children is complete and utter bunk designed to convince us that it is in our best interest to abandon our rights for a state-defined "greater good."

Well, I'm not willing to abandon the rights of my children to a free and loving education where they are supported and encouraged, just to prevent the POTENTIAL abuse of children who might end up being abused anyway (not to mention what happens to them when they are removed from their homes.) The answer to helping these children is not to enforce their enrollment in a publically-funded big brother institution. The answer is to fix the problems in the individual communities that cause abuse in the first place. Because by the time the public schools catch them, if they catch them (and there are plenty that they don't catch) you can pretty much bet they've already suffered a significant amount of damage.

Posted at 11:55 PM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

confessions of a fast talker

June 16, 2003

Today was the first day of a new beginner class. I am the instructor for the beginner class, which can get kind of hectic when I'm also trying to run the facility and answer e-mails and phone calls and everything else that comes with my job. I actually had my management assistant teach just about the entire class last time around because I had so much stuff that I needed to get done. And I realized when he taught it that I missed teaching, and I wanted my class back.

So, it was nice to start this beginner class today. I was fresh from having not had to work incredibly hard over the past few weeks, and I have not spoken in front of a group of people for some time, so I felt like my "material" was new (you know, the dumb jokes I tell to loosen myself up and whatnot). I am pleased with the size of the class (just about every computer is being used) and the diverse group of people who are in the class...and it seems like it will be a pretty fun group.

Since I started my job, I've been struggling with my tendency to talk fast and use a lot of poly-syllabic words. I am kind of a fast talker...and I tend to be overly verbose. I don't want to cut out the big words entirely, because I don't want to assume that the clients won't understand them, but I generally have more than a few people for whom english is a second or third or fourth language, and sometimes just learning the computer terminology is way overload for people, so I don't want people to have to come to class armed with an English language dictionary. I've learned to compensate for my unwillingness to cut out the big words entirely by stating things over again, multiple times, changing the wording slightly each time I say it. I figure this way people not only hear the instructions three times, but there's some variation and different people will catch on depending on the words I use.

There has never been any indicationwhether this theory was true until today. I was so so thrilled today when, at the end of class, a client came up to me and thanked me for speaking so clearly. She said she was afraid to come to class because she doesn't feel that her English is very good, and she wanted me to know how much she appreciated how clearly I spoke. I wanted to cry, I was so happy about this. I thanked her for telling me, and told her that I have been working on this for a long time, so I hoped she would let me know if I continue to do well, or if I start slipping. I hope she continues to give me feedback.

You know, I really couldn't ask for a better job. It's so nice to be appreciated for the things I work really hard to accomplish. It's so nice to have an audience, you know? People I respect who give respect back, and so much more.

Posted at 11:29 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Another take on "Lesser Evilism"

June 16, 2003

There's an article up at Counterpunch about the 2004 election. While I disagree wholeheartedly that "a non-vote is a vote for the winner" (and if someone could explain the warped logic in that, I'd really love to hear it) and I'm absolutely curious about what the author sees in Kucinich, it's a pretty interesting read.

In fact, it almost doesn't matter who the president is, so this argument goes. Ford and Kissinger gave Sukarno the go-ahead in East Timor and Carter carried through. Carter supported the Shah of Iran, and got his hat handed to him by the Ayatollah. But that hat could have gone to any of his recent predecessors. Kennedy was involved in the assassination of Diem, our installed president of "South Vietnam," the state illegally created by Eisenhower. (Jackie was later famously dissed by Diem's widow when her own husband was assassinated.)
And Truman dropped the bomb on Hiroshima in August 1945, even though the Japanese had been trying to surrender since May. His goal -- to send a "message" to Stalin, if Gore Vidal is to be believed. Message received, at least at Ground Zero.

So I would guess that the Greens are asking themselves, what do I get when I get a Democrat? It's a serious question for many of them, I suspect, one that isn't well captured by the easy phrases "Republican-Lite" and "disgust." Nothing Lite about what gets done under the Dems. And calling the reaction "disgust" glosses over the underlying serious arguments.

Which brings me to the second point, the "lesser of two evils." It could easily be argued that the Dems may be the greater evil.

Look at it this way -- the Repubs are "out there" -- really and truly out there. And it will be very hard for them to pull back, to pretend they aren't the party of Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz, DeLay and Robertson, O'Reilly and Coulter, attack and control. Horrid people to be sure, vicious people (their admirers admit the same); but their great virtue is that they are undisguised horrid people, naked vicious people. The Repubs have their cards on the table, and those cards must now be played.

Posted at 11:08 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack