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« June 2003 | Main | August 2003 »

Rall Rails.

July 31, 2003

I thought this essay by Ted Rall pretty much nailed it.

Paul Wolfowitz was certain the Iraqi people, eager for liberation, would throw roses at our troops. Cakewalk city, promised Cheney. Major combat is over, Bush announced at his thumbs-up aircraft carrier photo op. We'll only need to stay a few months, swore Tommy Franks. We know exactly where the WMDs are, insisted Rumsfeld. We've found the WMDs, said Bush. Well, we will find them, they all say, though not often anymore. Every single thing they tell us turns out to be dead wrong.

Now they say things are getting better. Read the paper. Watch the tube. E-mail a soldier stationed in Iraq. Does the occupation of Iraq seem like it's getting better to you?

link courtesy of this site which is going on the really fucking long blogroll.

I needed a day like today

July 31, 2003

It's been absolutely harmonious today. I blame it on the lavender. I took the time to clean my bedroom and make the bed, which is something I have been unable to do, because by the time I think about it, someone's sleeping in there.

When I make my bed, I usually douse all of the linens and covers and pillows with a healthy dose of lavender, and the children just love it. As soon as I finished, Monk was almost magnetically drawn to the room. I found him in there silently luxuriating in the freshy made bed. I think lavender really does have a calming effect on my children. And perhaps there's the caring that goes into making up the bed that transmits feelings of love and harmony from me to them.

At any rate, Monk, who had been complaining all day of "being in a bad mood" was almost instantly satisfied, and things started to just click around here. I made lunch, monk played by himself, I did some reading, cole played by himself, I hung out laundry, we all played together, we had a snack, did some dancing...

and we just hung out. It's been so nice. I have music playing. My music. And no one is going to walk in and turn it off without asking. I've been able to clean up the kitchen...and the kids have been content with entertaining themselves...and no one is wandering in and trying to tell me that I need to "do something."

I am doing nothing, and that means everything. I held Monk, I lay in the bed with cole and snuggled, I typed a book report that Monk dictated to me, I read from our book of Buddhist tales to Cole, and another story, as well. And it has all flowed so naturally.

I need to remember, as I fill my days with activities to keep the kids in touch with other kids, to set aside days like today to be in harmony in the home. To dance through the house listening to punk rock and hip hop, singing, dancing, cleaning, hugging, kissing booboos, laughing, listening to jokes...

and just being happy.

Iraq/Korea Counterspun

July 31, 2003

Right ON.

[link via r@d@r]

As part of my newfound ability to prioritize...

July 31, 2003

I have to say that I have absolutely no time to give a project like this my full attention. I can barely even foresee having the time to carefully read the post that describes it.

However, it appears to be an interesting idea, and I thought I'd pass on the link.

Friendster

July 31, 2003

Yeah, everyone is doing it. I've been having a hard time logging in lately, but if anyone is interested in hooking up with my vast network of cool friends, you can friend me if you know my real name. Look me up: myrealname@mindspring.com.

Well, it's actually a nickname of my REAL name, but it's the one most commonly used by people who actually know me.

Is that vague and mysterious enough? You all do realize that Dru Blood is a fictional character, right? Any resemblence to any living being, real or imagined, is strictly coincidental...and all that stuff.

Is anyone else confused? I better get back to cleaning.

Why Homeschoolers Shouldn't Want Homeschool Legislation

July 31, 2003

(In case you were wondering)

• Legislators, left to their own devices, will understandably represent the mainstream majority rather than the homeschooling minority. Unless we educate them, most people assume that children need to attend a conventional school to learn basic skills and become socialized. Since the government oversees and regulates public schools, many people assume it should regulate homeschools in the same way. They also assume that homeschoolers want legislation that gives us benefits like tax credits or that supposedly guarantees that we can participate in public school courses or programs.
• Legislation is very difficult to direct and control. Anytime legislation is introduced that includes homeschooling provisions (even if it is not a homeschooling bill as such), an amendment could easily be added that would increase state regulation of homeschools. It's not a question of what we could gain if legislation were introduced to give us tax credits or some other benefit. It's a question of what we could lose through the legislative process.
• Once legislation is passed, government agencies write regulations that have the force of law even though they are not written by a representative body. Again, minority groups run the risk that regulations will reflect mainstream values rather than their own and turn the law against them.

Here's a rough sketch of the entire article.

Wait. I thought it was called pragmatism.

July 31, 2003

Saddam Hussein was a threat. The United Nations viewed him as a threat. That's why they passed 12 resolutions. Predecessors of mine viewed him as a threat. We gathered a lot of intelligence. That intelligence was good, sound intelligence on which I made a decision.

And in order to placate the critics and the cynics about intentions of the United States, we need to produce evidence. And I fully understand that.

So now we only have to produce evidence to placate "critics and cynics"? Really? Because here I've been thinking all these years that it was PRAGMATIC to require evidence before believing our government. In fact...all this time I've been thinking that, as our REPRESENTATIVES, they are REQUIRED to provide evidence to us! How silly of me!

Oh, sorry...he's talking about the court of public opinion where the reward is given to the biggest BULLshitter.

I didn't even GET to the part where he starts talking about gay marriage. I think Zeebah handled that nicely, though.

A Day

July 30, 2003

It has been a day. Kind of hectic at first, then we mellowed out around midday and it was a coast from there. We had homeschool co-op from around 1 to 3, and the kids had a blast, and then I brought them home and immediately left for work.

I got my "peer review" or performance appraisal today. Let me tell you something, I have been scarred for life by my experience working at Kinko's. It's odd, because I always scored really well on my p.a's - except in the area of dress. Can you believe I spent 10 long years with a company having to hear every year that I did not dress professionally enough. That my hair was too messy. That I didn't have good personal hygeine because I didn't shave my legs. And the anonymous survey was used in an extremely hostile and abusive way. I would just get reamed by the managers for the dumbest shit.

Now, it's a total breeze, but I still get all panicked about it. So I was pleasantly surprised and relieved to be able to sit and chat about my performance...about what I needed to improve and what I was doing well. For all of the shit I have given uber boss in this space, she has really impressed me in the past year or so. She handled her rocky start with us so well, when we were hugely unfair to her (with good reason at the time, although looking back I think we could have given her a bit more time before we totally hazed her). And she has really put forth an effort to recognize the strengths of each of us in a fair and unbiased way. She freaks out a little bit too much (which is why I thought it was funny that she picked on that tendency in me - I wasn't sure if she recognized the irony of that. She does seem to focus on how alike we are a lot, and I'm not sure if that's a tactic to make me feel more at ease about receiving feedback, of if she really does identify with me, and therefore maybe reads too much of herself into me) and she's neurotic about some strange things. But she is entirely bearable.

Hey...guess what? I am not "rhetorically savvy." Hahahaha. Who'da thunk it?

Anyway, we finished up our chat and I cruised on down to Chuy's for a meal with my other boss and my colleague.

Can I say something? I'm sick to fucking death of the Atkin's diet. Why is it that everyone on this diet feels a need to proselytize to anyone who will listen? Seriously, I am not impressed by people who find it necessary to screw up their metabolism by eliminating a vital nutrient from their diet, and no I do not want to hear about how much weight you have lost. I mean, I totally get CUTTING DOWN on carbs. I think that's probably safe, healthy, and I can even see where it can make you feel better, particularly if your body type doesn't deal well with carbohydrates. But COMPLETELY ELIMINATING carbohydrates from your body is a BAD idea, not to mention how bad it is to overconsume protein.

This is what I want to scream to my co-worker, who is certain to slip something about her fabulous diet into whatever conversation we may be having. It's like, I feel for you, mama. I know what it's like to be fat and to hate your body. But the answer is to just start loving your body rather than attempting to systematically destroy it. Loving your body is the best way to keep it healthy. If, in loving your body, you become aware that certain food items make your body unhappy, by all means, steer clear...but come on, now...be reasonable.

The American Institute for Cancer Research has also evaluated the Atkins' diet and their assessment is quite alarming. They say that the high-protein, high-fat, low-carbohydrate Atkins diet tends to promote the loss of water weight, and that if such an imbalanced diet is maintained, the body soon reverts to the fasting state of ketosis, in which the body begins to break down muscle tissue instead of fat over the long term.

Ketosis is one of the body's last-ditch emergency responses; deliberately inducing ketosis can lead to muscle breakdown, nausea, dehydration, headaches, light-headedness, irritability, bad breath, and kidney problems. In pregnancy, ketosis may cause fetal abnormality or death. It can also be fatal in individuals with diabetes! While supporters of the Atkins diet concentrate so much on the fat burning capability of ketosis they neglect to mention that over the long term protein, and thus muscle, is also burned!

Sigh.

And while I'm bitching, is it IMPOSSIBLE to find research on diets which doesn't make it sound like fat people are scum of the earth and the ONLY people who are dieting? I didn't even want to link any of those links, because all of them got around to saying something fatphobic.

Anyway, apologies to anyone who is on the Atkins diet, but I watched an entire group of women in the office where I used to work totally spend a year getting all thin on the Atkins diet and then slowly balloon right back up and then some, feeling even shittier for having fucked their chemicals the shit up. This mama says don't fucking do it. Ride a bike, walk around the block, grow a garden, sit in a chair, meditate, swim laps, and take time to really listen to what your body is telling you. I pretty much guarantee it's not telling you that it never ever EVER wants to eat pasta or good bread ever again.

I think I'm overstating my point, but I guess that's my way.

At any rate, after dinner I didn't really have time to go back to work. I dropped in on a friend for a few minutes on the way home and hung out talking about stuff. We're going through the same changes, so it's helpful to hear where she is.

One thing I've realized just recently is that I am allowed, in fact, to say no. I'm pretty pleased with this discovery. I'm talking about my tendency to overfill my plate and accept pretty much anything that comes my way. I can say no...and I can say "cool it" and I can say "maybe later" and I can say "right fucking now!" And it's all my choice. I know that sounds like common sense to normal people, but it should be pretty evident by now that I am not normal.

Which—it's not that accepting anything that comes my way has not served me well. I'm pleased with what I've reaped in my lifetime, and I have very few regrets. At the same time, I think it's time for me to just be really damn picky about how I spend my energy for once in my life. That's all. Sounds pretty simple, doesn't it?

Well, doesn't it?

Anyway, yeah. My visit was way too brief, but I was pleased to come home to squealing happy children. I so appreciate what I have here. I do. I appreciate all of it...even the bad things. And, you know, I read the story about mindfulness from our book of Buddhist tales and, while the idea of being ever wakeful and on guard sounds like sage advice to me, I can tell that I'm really going to enjoy finding a way to be mindful in a more relaxed state. Awareness does not have come from being on edge. Awareness comes from relaxing yourself to a state of open acceptance, and being receptive to what comes.

I'm ready to be receptive, and I'm ready to allow myself to choose how to spend my energy.

In case you haven't noticed...

July 30, 2003

Monk has been writing book reviews again. Over on the sidebar are links to his reviews of Yo Aesop! and Night of the Living Dummy. They're pretty funny, too.

The Onion vs. RIAA

July 30, 2003

I love this infographic about "how music fans are responding to the music industry's lawsuits"

Not to get overly serious about it, but my favorite was "holding music in a Swiss download account." I mean, really! Stealing is yet another thing that rich people have the privilege of doing and poor people...do not. At least not without seriously risking getting caught.

link via boing boing

Oh, and Chris has some interesting links about this issue here and here.

Vote Conservative in 2004

July 30, 2003

This GNN article posits that sometimes you just have to let the lunatics run their own asylum:

It's a good thing the Republicans were totally in charge when all this actually happened. If it had been Mr. Clinton, we'd have never heard the end of it. Can you imagine the bleating on neo-fascist Talk Radio across the land? Can you see Rush Limbaugh's head explode? Ann Coulter would go postal. Can you hear the calls for impeachment? Fox News would brand it treason, with good purpose. Matt Drudge would be up all night dishing online dirt about the idiot Democrats who'd foolishly allowed 9/11 to happen, covered it up, and then created Saigon on the Tigress. Bill O'Reilly would have kittens, and cable news ratings would go through the roof.

Actually, few folks seem upset. Can you really imagine the American people are so stupid they'd buy all this without question? The Republicans are banking on it.

The regents behind 'King George the 43rd' realize that voter apathy and ignorance have become increasingly critical to their neo-conservative re-election game plan. A majority of Americans polled even mistakenly think that Saddam Hussein was behind the 9/11 attacks. The Bush folks must figure that as national policy, stupidity works. That includes the man currently serving as President.

It's not just that the Emperor Bush has no clothes, he has no clue...

I also like this portion:

Rising to Mr. Bush's defense is Ed Gillespie, the new GOP chairman who reportedly told the 165-member Republican National Committee that the Democrats are feeding Americans "a steady diet of protest and pessimism" in absence of real solutions to the economy and Iraq, according to Reuters. If you're the parents of a U.S. soldier who was killed in Iraq or one of the over 3,000,000 people who've lost their jobs in the 919 days of the Bush reign, perhaps you are getting a little pessimistic.

Unfortunately, I don't share the author's optimism that virtuous candidates can be found to defeat the monster currently being created. I think we need to take it back using other measures.

Oh, shit...it's already one of THOSE mornings.

July 30, 2003

Immediately upon waking, C began foraging in the refrigerator, demanding various food items only to turn his nose up at them when I actually tried to give them to him. He has had 5 crying jags and 2 temper tantrums in the 45 minutes we've been awake thus far.

M has been running through the house full speed, yelling...as well as trying very hard to get C to throw more temper tantrums. Now he's jumping off of a chair onto the hardwood floor, banging his feet down as hard as he can for the loudest noise possible. He's shaking the house.

I thought I was going to be skipping co-op today because I have my "peer review" at work this afternoon but it looks like I will be calling my boss to beg her to move that time back half an hour so I can get these guys out of the house for a little while this afternoon. I can't freaking take this all day long, that's for sure.

US Taking Hostages in Iraq

July 29, 2003

This post at Eschaton is chilling...be sure to read the comments.

Link via Where We're Bound

Better Yet, Grow Yr Own...

July 29, 2003

This article talks about how the word "organic" (much like the term "simple living") is being redefined to refer to a standard that is directly opposed to its originally intended meaning.

This is something I need to really consider as I am currently attempting to really define what my goals are. I mean, I'm sitting down with a pencil in hand these days and really trying to map out a rough sketch of what I want to do with my future. In this society, it seems like so much of our plans must include prioritizing how to spend our money. I need to really take a hard look at how I am currently spending my money, as I know I am spending too much on things that are not beneficial to myself, and in fact, some of my money is spent on things that are detrimental to the earth and the people who live here. I need to take a closer look at my relationship with the food that I eat, and build one that's closer to the source.

Oh, by the way, Chris says this much better here.

I can feel it brewing...

July 29, 2003

I know at some point in the near future, I'm going to write a super long post about my state of mind and all that is happening. I feel like in spite of the turbulence of my current situation, there are good things that will come from this break up. I'm feeling like I need to be quit fucking freaking out and getting angry and/or frustrated. Things are the way they are, and both of us at least are working towards the goal of separation now. It's just a matter of time.

I'm feeling like I need to touch and hold on to those positive memories rather than clinging to the negativity that has permeated our relationship. I don't think it's serving me well to think about all of the crap. I'm trying to reach back and remember good stuff. Stuff I've grown from. Stuff I've learned. Stuff I have loved about being in a relationship with L. Stuff I will need to keep in mind as I watch our children grow and cultivate independent relationships with each of us. I don't want to just pay lip service about their father to the kids. I want to truly believe that L is a good person who is actively interested in the well-being of his children...and I do for the most part. But there is so much that is clouded by resentment of being in this situation for so long.

At the same time, I'm really growing impatient with cohabitation. Now that we are resolved, I am wanting to move forward with the process of splitting up. I'm no longer even particularly interested in the legal process. I've done my research, it's clear that it is going to take a really long time to finalize everything. I'm OK with taking care of the legalities gradually, but I would really like to get started with this whole new phase of my life.

I find myself getting picky and bitchy about stupid little pesky things, and that's not going to help my ultimate goal of achieving some sort of harmony with L. Today, for instance, I started feeling annoyed about the fact that I couldn't find the tupperware containers that I had intended to keep stocked with snacky things so I could just grab them and go when the kids and I have outings. I also find myself getting inordinately annoyed when my water cup gets moved...or when clean dishtowels make their way into the hamper.

Stupid stuff. Stuff I'm really not going to hold against anyone. But clear indication that I really need my own space. Not that the kids won't move my cup or lose containers...but that, to me, is somehow less ire-raising. The kids are an extension of me and, much as it makes me sad to say it, L is not...not any longer. I don't even know if he ever was.

So, yeah. At some point I'm going to write a long post about all of this. Only I think I just did.

I want to know what comes next. I'm ready to get on with my life. I'm ready to move forward.

It's almost that time again...

July 29, 2003

August is almost upon us, and it's almost time for the National Nurse Out, sponsored by ProMom. I can't believe no one has organized a nurse out in Austin yet. I'm going to have to get my lactivist mamas on that task right away.

Last year, C was too interested in laying down on the floor and playing with his friend P to be interested in nursing at all. I doubt he will want to nurse this year, either...but I'm going to go anyway to lend moral support to the other mamas.

Meanwhile, Veggiemama linked up this awesome pro-breasfeeding Baby Blues strip.

Quick, someone think of a clever nickname...

July 29, 2003

for our heroic texas state senators:

Eleven of the Texas Senate's 12 Democrats left the Statehouse late Monday, much like some of the Texas House Democrats did in the regular session in May. Instead of Ardmore, Okla., the senators headed west to chose Albuquerque.

I know! I know! What about the Kick "S"'s?

Q: What do the Democrats face once they return?

A: When they do come back, either redistricting will be off the table or they won't come back. They thing to remember is that the Democratic Senators come from districts that are so Democratic there is no punishment. They're going to be treated as heroes ...I think the generally public is tired of the whole argument back and forth. And, of course, the Republican activists will criticize them as being AWOL...

Q: Each special session costs close to $2 million, what's this doing to the people of Texas, the tax payers?

A: The one thing people seem to be pecking on is the cost of this particular theater that's going on right now... People are aware of the budget cuts that took place and even though $2 million is kind of chump change when you're talking about state politics, it's the thing that people are connecting with ...if anybody gets damaged on this ...ultimately ...it's going to be Gov. Perry.

Q: How does this play, nationally?

A: Not like the Ardmore walkout. First of all, this was expected. Second, it was in a special session devoted to redistricting. So, there's not a whole legislative package on the table that's in jeopardy.

In other news, Democratic house members have also flown the coop.

Journey Recap Part 8

July 29, 2003

When last I wrote about the journey, we were leaving Memphis and heading towards nashville to visit with Tracy. I had intended to get to Nashville in early afternoon, but I just was not doing a very good job of accurately predicting these things. Which was OK with me, but caused me to feel a bit self-conscious when relying on the kindness, hospitality, and patience of other people.

So I found myself about 2 hours away from Nashville with a desperate need to stop. So we stopped at the Natchez Trace State Park. It was a truly gorgeous place, and we managed to get a bit of hiking in before we had an impromptu picnic next to the van. Actually, I think I strapped the kids in and fed them chunky chickpea guacamole sandwiches or hummus sandwiches. No, I remember...I fed them hummus, but then it seemed like the hummus had gone bad, so we threw them away and I made peanut butter sandwiches for them with our quickly molding whole wheat tortillas. Then we went into the park hq building and c ran around and around in circles while M went poo. Then M ran around and around in circles for a bit and we hit the road.

Tracy was kind enough to give me directions when I hit town, and we made it to the park with the reproduction of the Parthenon in it (I can't remember the name of the park - centenial? is that right?) I was so fucking grouchy it was unbelievable. It was hot, the kids were kind of driving me crazy, I know there was something specific that had managed to piss me off, but at this point I can't remember what it was. So I got the kids out into the hot, bright, fucking sun.

There was a huge pond at the park, and of course cole ran right for it. There was no barrier of any sort around the pond, so I had to run after c and stop him from jumping in. It was weird how many dangerous, non kid-friendly things we encountered on the trip. Like, in my day-to-day adventures, everything seems to be kid-safe...and i don't know if that's because I know what to avoid or if Austin is just a kid-safe city or something. But I could never relax on a bench and watch the kids frolic by this pond. There was way too much potential for danger. So I kind of redirected them towards the Parthenon and awaited Tracy.

I'm not sure why Tracy looked nothing like I expected. Perhaps it's because she never posts pictures of herself. But she recognized me because of the bulldozer, and I was so relieved to see another adult that most of my bad mood instantly slipped away when she found us. M and B played on some of the catfish - they had an art installation in the park which consisted of several catfish statues that were painted in different ways. Then we took all of the kids to the park, and M and her son played while C tried to seriously injure himself on the playground equipment. C was playing with another little kid, and by that time i had mellowed to the point where I was just not going to be all freaked out by him doing stuff that looked dangerous. At one point he was hanging off of the railing to the stairway, and I think he fell or banged his nose or something. I felt like the world's worst mom, but I was so tired of chasing after him to get him to not hurt himself that I just wanted to not do that for a little while and see if he actually would hurt himself...if that makes any sense. In other words, sometimes I wonder if I'm overly-reactionary about c's sense of adventure...but clearly I am not.

The kids played for a good long time, and by then we were all really hungry so we went to this little cafe on Tracy's suggestion. Tracy and I ordered pasta, the kids had pizza, and M and BJ spent the hour or so that we were in the cafe finding and squashing flies they found in the window. It was pretty gross,and not only that, they were announcing their antics to the entire restaurant (coincidentally (?) no one else was sitting in the restaurant with us). The food was delicious, and I would have really liked to sit down and relax and enjoy it. However, the theme of the entire vacation seemed to be "No fucking way, mama, like HELL you will relax!" and after having chased c down for the last time and actually strapping him into a high chair just so I wouldn't have to continue chasing him down, I realized that he had a poop. And I had no diapers with me. So I carried him out to the car, cursing and sweating, discovered that this was no ordinary poop, but the kind that requires a complete change of clothes and perhaps a bath if possible so I got some new clothes out of the backpack and sponged him off with a bunch of diaper wipes, and walked back to the restaurant.

On the way back to the restaurant from the parking lot, I saw a trail of poop that must have escaped from the diaper as I carried cole to the car. Thankfully, it ended before it actually got INSIDE the restaurant, but I was thankful that I didn't live in Nashville at that point, and therefore would never have to encounter again the people who watched me carry a child to my car with poo dripping from his diaper.

Needless to say, as nice and sweet as Tracy is...and as calming as her presence is, mama was not relaxed. I did managed to sit down for a bit and finish my pasta, but by the time I was nearly done, everyone was restless again and it was clearly time to go.

It had been so nice to be in the presence of another adult...particularly another adult as nice as Tracy. It's always a pleasant surprise to meet people in person after having been acquainted with them in some other fashion. I've been doing it for years, ever since I made my first pen pal when I was in high school, and on through the years with zine people and bands and now bloggers. I guess I will always seek out a lifestyle that includes interaction with people from far away that I get to discover in my travels. Meeting Tracy was definitely one of the highlights of the journey. i'm sure M feels the same way about hanging out with B.

And we said our goodbyes and were off!

Night of the Living Dummy

July 28, 2003

M's reading this Goosebumps book, Night of the Living Dummy, which is about a ventriloquist dummy that comes to life. Here's a conversation we just had:

M: I just got to the scary part where the dummy comes to life!
Mom: Isn't that scary to you? Aren't you worried your toys might come to life?
M: Not really, because if MY toys came alive, I would just proclaim them to do my bidding. (pause) For instance, I would tell my dragons to BURN you...to a CRISP!

Input needed:

July 28, 2003

I'm working on a project for work, and I need some help from the audience, please.

Does anyone know of any prisoner blogs? Blogs updated by inmates in correctional facilities? Are they out there? I did a google search, but I'm not finding anything.

Also, I need links to blogging communities that share a domain and have several sites under that domain (sort of like the surreally blogs and fullbleed.net (when it's up and running)). I'd prefer to see communities like this that have a portal of some sort and that don't necessarily have a common theme...but if you could just link up any old blogging community in comments, I can certainly filter out the best ones for my nefarious purposes.

Thanks!!

I totally forgot about the blogathon

July 28, 2003

...but that's ok, because I had a pretty busy weekend, and wouldn't have been much of a presence, anyway.

I've been staring at this blank "create new entry" screen for about 30 minutes, thinking of all of the things I have to say, but not feeling like I want to say any of it, or not knowing how to say it, or not feeling like it's important enough to say. I probably should restart the trip recap, but I think I need to put that off until either tonight when I get to work, or tomorrow morning. This morning I'm feeling too frustrated and twisted up.

But I did have a busy and socially active weekend. Went to Monkeywrench on Friday to watch Moyers with friends and others, which was cool. And L had been gone all day, so he kept the boys while I was there...so I didn't have to worry about keeping them quiet or occupied or anything, and I went out for coffee afterwards and stayed until the coffee shop closed down. Talking. Which was nice, too - but talking has been awkward for me of late.

Saturday, I worked in the morning and then when I came home the boys came home from their swimming date with another family and we had a movie and pizza night with them. I think I might try to do this a couple of nights a month - have different friends over for movie night, perhaps not with the pizza, because that gets expensive. Maybe, though, we could make pizza or make some other yummy food that kids like to eat that's easy to eat in front of the TV. I've been kind of making Saturday our "movie night" here anyway, so I can get some cleaning done and perhaps some reading (I was actually able to finish an entire book this weekend! And my kitchen is relatively clean! And so is my living room!) and this will become more significant when I actually get around to taking the TV away during the week.

After the friends left, I called up K8. She came over and we chatted. Here is another reason I want to isolate myself from people. I swear when I called her I was feeling positive and like I didn't want to discuss my relationship. I was open to hearing what she is experiencing and talking about positive things to look forward to. I'm not even sure WHY I started talking about the relationship, but I did. And though I had had a very upbeat few days, I became very depressed. And though it was excellent talking to k8 about things, as she is so insightful, I found myself feeling like I was making our visit all about me and my stupid problems...and I'm tired of that.

Which isn't to say that we didn't talk about anything else. I have no idea what the ratio was. But it FELT imbalanced to me. It always feels imbalanced to me lately, and it makes me self-conscious.

Blah.

So, k8 left when M whipped out the encyclopedia and started reading it to us. L gave M a set of encyclopedias to read, just like L did when he was a boy. And M is actually reading them. This is one of the things I love about L. And, of course, thinking about things I love about L fills me with fear and apprehension about the upcoming changes in our relationship.

But instead of feeling angst on Saturday night, I laid down in M's bed with him and read about Alligators and other "a" words. We didn't read about wild asses, even though that's what he had said he wanted to read about.

Sunday, I had promised M that I would take him out to the library, so L took care of C while me and M headed out. We got a TON of books. Some really good ones, too. And we read and read and read. M was reading his goosebumps book, and I was reading my cheesy the last safari book. I just have to force myself to read random cheesy fiction books sometimes. I dunno. We went to a coffeehouse and read some more, and then we came home, got cole, and went to church.

Yes. You heard me right. Church.

We finally went. I can't believe it. And it's actually a lot more church-like than I had anticipated, so I'm not sure if I even want to keep going. It freaks me out. Perhaps it shouldn't, but it does. I dropped c in the childcare room and kind of explored around with M. Basically, they begin the sermon with songs and a story. This week, The Therapy Sisters were playing, and they were pretty funny. Then came the story, about friendship. And then the older kids were ushered off to R.E.

The R.E. teacher was a really nice lady who later came to me and called M "her talker." I was kind of embarrassed, but she said "No, no...I'm a speech therapist, so I LOVE the talkers." Of course, after I dropped M in R.E., I made the mistake of dropping in on c in the childcare room, and he would not let me go. So basically I heard music and a story and then spent the rest of my time in the childcare room reading stories to strange children. But that was ok. I realized that I hadn't spent a lot of time with c this weekend, so we sat together and looked at books and built with blocks. And then it was time to go.

So, I gues I didn't so much go to church as my kids did. And they had fun, so that's all that really matters. I had good church with friends on Friday and Saturday...and the kids got to meet new people Sunday. So, I'd say that was a pretty damn good weekend.

Last night, after the kids went to bed, I watched Singles on my little computer screen. That's kind of the wrong movie to watch in the middle of a break up, so it didn't really improve my mood. But I went to bed early, and I'm feeling a bit less melancholy today. I'm looking forward to going to work, though - and taking the bus. I haven't spent enough alone time lately, and I'm really needing it - even if it's just snatches of alone caught in a crowd of people.

This week will be fairly busy with work and activities for the kids. I need to go clean up C, who has managed to pour all of the milk from his cereal bowl all over his entire body. Fun!

Unschooling The Gifted Child

July 27, 2003

I keep finding excellent articles over at the unschooling.com library. This one is about gifted children, and how unschooling helps them to better utilize their talents. I recognize M in a lot of what she's saying here, and I recognize myself doing things that might hinder his freedom in our environment. I think I need to work on accepting that he's different from other kids, wonderful, and different, and that the things I find most difficult about his personality are the things that will help him to be more successful later in life, if utilized properly. I need to help him work WITH his sensitivity rather than fight AGAINST it. And I need to set clear boundaries around what is and is not ok to challenge, so he can roam freely within those guidelines.

I'm so glad I read this article this morning, as I've been really putting a lot of thought into unschooling and whether it's the best option for M. I think it very clearly is, and at the same time, I see that I need to challenge myself to create the environment he needs to take full advantage of his freedom without infringing on the freedoms of others in the household.

Inarticulation

July 26, 2003

I haven't been updating a lot lately, and last night I realized why. Actually, I've suspected it for about a week now, but every time I'm in a social situation, it gets reinforced. I think my brain is fried. I can't seem to articulate the simplest idea that forms in my mind. Come to think of it, it doesn't seem like ideas are forming with any regularity these days.

I'm not sure if this has anything to do with my cycle or if it's because of all that is going on. Certainly, I have that feeling of Anticipation that comes from major changes approaching, and perhaps that is what is sucking my energy. I also am feeling very tired. At a dinner meeting I had the other night, on a subject about which I am very passionate, I had to give myself a freaking Pep Talk on the way over. I felt so tired that I didn't think I was going to be able to communicate a single thought. And I was so thankful that my associate was so good at pulling stuff out of me.

Anyway, I need to go easy on myself. I can see where this current state of mind might discourage me from being around people. I'm also totally self-conscious that I'm hijacking conversations to talk about my own problems or my own experiences that have nothing to do with the topic at hand. This is not a good combination. Afraid to talk, and then when I do talk, afraid that everyone just wishes I would fucking shut up. Hahaha.

So, yeah. That's where my head is at right now. Perhaps it is also an indication that it would be good for me to hang out by myself for awhile. I never did finish my recap of the journey, that would give me something to write about that is not terribly intimidating. That might be a good place to invest my energy.

Way Back Journal

July 25, 2003

I don' t know if anyone noticed, but I updated my way back journal with some juicily embarrassing entries of the summer before I was a freshman in high school. I kept it quiet because I was totally cringing while typing it all in, but I have sufficiently distanced myself from them now to allow myself to link it up here, as long as I don't actually re-read them. hahahaha.

I have to say, they are TOTAL blackmail material. Except for the part where I'm outing myself now as having been a complete and utterly hopeless goofy boycrazy teengirl.

Enjoy.

This could keep me busy for hours.

July 24, 2003

I love dressing little cyber dolls. Must. Fight. Urge. To. Play. Sims.

Thanks (a LOT) blueroses for the link.

The absolute best bitter, end-of-relationship song ever ever ever written

July 24, 2003

I Let Love In
Nick Cave

Despair and Deception, Love's ugly little twins
Came a-knocking on my door, I let them in
Darling, you're the punishment for all of my former sins

I let love in
I let love in

The door it opened just a crack, but Love was shrewd and bold
My life flashed before my eyes, it was a horror to behold
A life-sentence sweeping confetti from the floor of a concrete hole

I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in

Well I've been bound and gagged and I've been terrorized
I've been castrated and I've been lobotomized
But never has my tormenter come in such a cunning disguise

I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in

O Lord, tell me what I done
Please don't leave me here alone
Where are my friends?
My friends are gone

O Lord, tell me what I done
Please don't leave me here alone
Where are my friends?
My friends are gone

I let love in
I let love in

So if you're sitting all alone and hear a-knocking at you door
and the air is full of promises, well buddy, you've been warned
Far worse to be Love's lover than the lover that Love has scorned

I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in

My brief conversation with the "fitness" sales lady

July 24, 2003

I forgot to mention the conversation I had with the Gold's Gym salesperson today. She started in with the whole "What are you looking for in a gym." I answered "I'm really just looking for a place I can go and do some aerobics on my own and lift some weights. Since I had told her that I stopped going to the gym when I was pregnant (and stupidly canceled my 15 dollar a month membership, and I'm still kicking myself over that one) she then said "Well, you know, joining the gym is a good way to get rid of that baby fat."

audible eyeroll.

My response was something like "That's not really my goal either. I don't mind the baby fat so much as I just really want to find a place I can go away from home where I can just spend some time alone working on my body, building strength and stuff."

It sounded like she got me when she said "You have a great attitude about it!" But then she added "Sometimes it's not so much about weighing yourself on a scale, but about fitting into your clothes and feeling good about your body."

I didn't have the energy to explain to her that it wasn't at all about clothes or my external body...it's more about my internal functions and how excercise really gives me more energy, even though I have never EVER ever lost a significant amount of weight by working out.

*sigh*

I'm thinking it's going to have to be the Y. 3 years ago, it seemed like I had so much more patience for this kind of stuff...but I don't think I could deal with the ogling at my leg hair or the condescension on the weight equiptment that I used to have to deal with when I went to the gym on a regular basis before. On the bright side, I never EVER got hit on by a beefy boy...on the down side, I frequently got glared at by them, and that's just fucking annoying.

Subversive Harmony

July 24, 2003

Lately it seems I keep getting linked up by some really cool blogs, and I keep adding them to my ridiculously long blogroll, and I'm only able to read them semi-occasionally, even though many of them are really good.

I had the distinct pleasure of reading this entry at subversive harmony today. Just a very thoughtful, very thought-provoking post about growing older and all that comes with it, and much more besides.

I wish there were five million hours in the day so I could visit all of the blogs on my blogroll religiously.

Joining a Gym

July 24, 2003

About the only thing more frustrating, I think, than trying to get free or reduced rate legal aid...is trying to get a fucking estimate from a gym, especially if you do not plan to run in and join RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

I'm trying to cost compare between getting a family membership at the Y (which would include full access to a swimming pool, which seems to be what my body currently really desires) and getting an individual membership at the local fitness monopoly. Obviously, it's much cheaper to get an individual membership at the local fitness monopoly, and the hours are a little better, but the Y seems to be a better place for my needs.

Both, of course, are totally out of my price range right now. I'm just kind of fantasizing about the possibility of future potential extra money, and I think I want to make joining some sort of health club one of my priorities for when those financial changes occur. I have lately had this incredibly strong desire to just swim and swim and swim...and, although I have a free public pool directly across the street from my house, and a larger for-pay public pool within walking distance, it's kind of difficult to do any real swimming with a 2 year old clinging to me for dear life.

So...yeah. It's sounding like the Y is the best choice for me. They're a lot less snotty on the phone, too...and the pricing is straightforward, no nonsense. Far far far from being inexpensive, but pretty manageable, I think. Probably about what the "one less mouth to feed" factor will save me, if I'm wanting to justify it.

We'll see, though. First, I guess I need to cover those legal fees, and all of the thousands of hours of therapy I'm going to need.

Swimming's pretty good therapy, too, though.

(and so the justification begins)

Show Me The Data

July 23, 2003

There's a new blog in the full bleed crew. Show Me The Data is a blog devoted to reporting the facts and exposing the myths that are rampant in the realm of fatphobic science. I'm so glad to have been able to provide a space for them. Thanks to Tish and the smtd folks!

More frustrations with public aid.

July 23, 2003

Free legal clinic? Closed until mid-August.

Free legal advice over the telephone? ALWAYS busy.

I'm feeling a bit frustrated right now. I have a couple of phone numbers for some mediators that have been recommended to me. I might just call and get an estimate.

On a different and far brighter side, there is a summer camp at the UU church I'm going to start going to. It's 5 hours a day, the first or second week of August, and it's only TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS! M is so excited about going, mostly because he's WAY into the idea of me packing him a lunch every day. He has already decided that he wants a peanut butter sandwich, an apple, and a juice box.

I'm just thinking about those 5 glorious hours every day with only one child in the house. YAHOO!

An Interesting Case of Computer Fraud

July 23, 2003

Mostly because I used to work at kinko's:

According to the one-count Complaint filed today, JIANG, operating from his home in Flushing, and using a computer program designed to record computer passwords and user names, attempted to gain access to the computer accounts of approximately 15 subscribers of GoToMyPC.

As described in the Complaint, GoToMyPC is a company that offers individuals the ability to remotely access their personal computers from any computer connected to the Internet. According to the Complaint, JIANG obtained these users' passwords and user names by installing computer software for this purpose at a Kinko's located on Seventh Avenue in Manhattan. JIANG then used these passwords and usernames in attempts to gain access to those subscribers' personal computers in order to obtain credit card and other information stored on those computers, it was alleged. [source]

"I'd rather go to jail than send my daughter to high school"

July 22, 2003

So, now it's educational neglect to send your kid to college?

July 16, 2003 -- A 15-year-old Manhattan girl whose parents sent her to college instead of high school has been told by a judge that she can't get her associates degree even though she's got enough credits - as city officials launched an "educational neglect" probe against her dad.

Angela Lipsman has been passing courses since she was 11 at the Fashion Institute of Technology and Manhattan Community College. She has a 3.8 average.

Oh, yeah NEGLECT. That's that thing where you pay attention to the needs of your child, and place those needs above whatever institutions want to try to push as the "norm." Yeah. I forgot about that. Well, alright, then...this is CLEARLY a case of severe NEGLECT.

*eyeroll*

I've had a good day.

July 22, 2003

In case you are keeping track. hahaha. I went over and hung out with a friend who is keeping another friend's kids while she's in training for a new job, and the kids were able to let it all hang out for a bit, and I was able to get some mutually beneficial conversation in. I think it helps to have more of the exchange of actual real time conversation where I can get out what I'm bereaving, and the other person can empathize and also bereave back...or something...but there really wasn't even any grief on my part today. It's weird. Yesterday, I couldn't even think about the situation without welling up with tears, and today I was talking about it, positive and negative aspects, and I didn't even feel sad...more relieved. Perhaps saying it out loud. Practicing. Those words that are so hard, like "I'm giving up." "Separation." even "divorce" get a little easier each time I say them out loud.

It helps that there is no more angry tension in the house. Both of us are tentative and polite. I worry about this a little, because this has always been the predecessor to me just giving in and saying "Oh, what the hell, there's no conflict here - why don't we just try to keep doing what we are doing." The trick is that it NEVER has gotten any better than polite tentativeness, and it ALWAYS gets worse. I have to remind myself of this, sometimes out loud - out of earshot, but out loud. And I'm kind of wanting to speed up the process a bit so I don't get too acclimated to the peace that comes from inaction - the harmony that comes when stability remains unchallenged.

So, today the children played and played. In the house, in the water, in the mud...while the parents watched and talked and related. This is one of my favorite place to have playgroups, because the mamas are such excellent examples of empathic parenting that isn't necessarily filled with that goopy-sweet falsely child-centric crap. I can't describe it. The children are treated respectfully and related to honestly. I really wish I could film the interaction between these moms and the group...they are truly wonderful people and models of respectful, vigilant, and yet somewhat laissez faire parenting. It just fills me with such joy and positive energy to be in their presence. It replenishes the patience that just wasn't there this morning when I asked for help picking up markers and I was suddenly being pelted with marker caps. hahahaha.

And the thing is, too, that these are NOT mamas who have given over their entire lives to being mom and nothing else. These are mamas with whom I can have a full-on conversation about Chomsky, Marx, and the revolution in between the filling of sippy cups, the kissing of booboos and the changing of poopy diapers. These mamas are, in fact, the shit.

Tomorrow is the free legal clinic, although I am starting to think more and more that I won't qualify for legal aid. I might have to hit all of you up for paypal donations to take care of this thing. I'm thankful that L has the presence of mind and of heart to realize that it doesn't do anyone any good to be at war. I'm thankful that he cares enough about his children to lay down his weapons, even though I know it's terribly frightening to do so. My promise is to do my best to be as fair as possible. I want the children to have total access to both parents, and I want both parents to be successful in whatever it is we hope to achieve. This is all. And if we aren't busy scheming up ways to screw each other and get revenge, we can use that energy to better accommodate the needs of the children.

Thank you, Nakachi.

July 22, 2003

I have nothing whatsoever to add to this, except that you really do need to go read it.

yes, you.

Soledad Brother, too.

Bush Lied. Thousands Died

July 22, 2003

My friend Megan is currently distributing buttons that say "Bush lied. Thousands died." If anyone is interested in getting some from her, please e-mail her at megarito@juno.com. I think she was telling me she'd send them out for a dollar apiece.

The politics of need

July 21, 2003

Something else that occurred to me today as I received so many very nice and supportive e-mails and comments...I totally appreciate the support I have received both from online friends and people I know in real life. I don't know what I would do without that support. I have needed it.

At the same time, I am so completely ready to NOT need support. I am ready to be at a place where I don't have to be told how strong I am, where I don't have to be reassured. Where *I* can give rather than receive support. I feel like I've been so incredibly needy for so long, and I'm tired of it. I mean, I still appreciate what's being given, and it's not upsetting me in any way to hear from people offering kind words or anything else.

I guess I'm ready to be strong for other people instead of always having to be strong for myself and my kids. I'm hoping that once I'm over this final hurdle, I can make myself more available for that. Not that I wouldn't drop everything right this minute to help someone who needed help that I could give, but I worry that people assume that my life is so totally fucked up that I couldn't possibly be of any help at all.

The Cost of Speaking up...

July 21, 2003

the identities of anonymous sources who have provided information to journalists critical of their agenda are increasingly being challenged. Dr. David Kelly, a soft-spoken but highly effective biological weapons expert, apparently committed suicide last week after a nerve-wrecking public inquisition by UK government officials trying to determine the source for a now infamous report by the BBC's Andrew Gilligan. The report accused the Blair government of 'sexing up' the dossier it used to sell the invasion. Dr. Kelly admitted he met with Gilligan but said he thought he wasn't the 'main' source for the report. Now the BBC is admitting he was, casting doubt on Gilligan's reporting: he had claimed the source was a 'senior intelligence official involved in preparing the dossier' — Dr. Kelly was a former weapons inspector and Ministry of Defense adviser.

This week's Guerrilla's of the Week according to GNN.

Crazy at mealtime

July 21, 2003

Does anyone else have this problem with their kids? It seems like lately, the INSTANT I start preparing a meal, c DEMANDS to be fed snack after snack after snack. Which I wouldn't mind indulging him in but then he doesn't eat the meal that I'm trying to prepare. It gets to where a 15 minute meal prep turns into an hour, because I'm having to deal with temper tantrum after temper tantrum over this. He wants to eat pickles, tortillas, fruit, crackers...and I do give him something to snack on, but, again, if I give him too much - he won't eat the meal.

Should I just give up making meals and feed the children snacks all day? What? It's driving me absolutely crazy. I'm having to distract them with videos while I cook so they won't beg for food. They're worse than even the most annoying cats. It's like they hear the can opener, and they start yowling.

Sigh.

Right now, they're watching the Land of the Lost video that I found at the video store. Yes. You heard me. Land of the Lost. The original episodes. It is so cool.

Good Great Homeschooling Stuff

July 21, 2003

In the past few weeks, the homeschool co-op I participate on Wednesday has sort of consolidated into an all-purpose learning community. We are organizing field trips, planning theme-based activities for co-op, doing park days, and I'm in charge of Mom's Night Out.

Yesterday was Mom's Sunday Afternoon Out. I invited everyone out for coffee at my favorite coffee shop. Only three of us showed up, but it was good...less awkward. I realize that, since I have been attending this group more for m than myself, I haven't really put forth much of an effort to get to know the other moms in the group. I'm pretty shy, and I'm usually pretty busy at co-op trying to keep m from running all over the place and fighting with other kids, and focusing on playing with cy. Although I do have conversations there, they're not really deep or personal conversations - mostly it's bitching about the government.

Which, I have to say, is one of the best things about this group. We have somehow managed to gather together what I think is probably the largest group of mostly non-religious (or differently-spiritualized) homeschoolers...and most of them are pretty far left on the political spectrum.

So, yesterday while sitting down and drinking coffee with the two other mamas there, I had a really great conversation, and I feel pretty thankful for all the work that everyone has done to gather all of these individuals together.

One thing that was mentioned that was such excellent news for me is that one of the moms in the group goes to the Unitarian church I've been meaning to start attending. She goes to the 5 PM service, and her daughter would probably love to have m there, since they already know each other. AND, they have a summer camp in a couple of weeks that might possible still have some openings, and I think m would REALLY dig that.

It was very cute. When I told m about the summer camp, he got all excited about the fact that I was going to be packing a lunch for him. hahahaha. Of course that's been his one huge bummer about homeschooling, that I don't send him off with a packed lunch every day. Perhaps I should start packing him a lunch once a week or something and letting him go outside and eat it or something. I would do it every day, but lunch is my meal that I cook most days, so I try to make something tasty and hot.

So, there's that group, and there's the group that is being formed by the mama whose daughter I was watching last year. It sounds like an excellent co-op, and I'm really excited about participating. Where the Young Explorers co-op is for ages 0-7 (m is the second oldest participant) This co-op is for ages 5-10, and m will probably be one of the youngest. I think that's an excellent way to give him a wide-ranging peer group to interact with...and since he already knows K, I think he will really enjoy the activities. One of the cool things they are doing starting in the fall is a gardening class. They're also doing a book club...and I'm hoping to convince my bosses to let me teach computer classes for kids on weekends. Or at least open up our facility to allow those classes to be taught (because there's probably another organization that teaches them and maybe doesn't have the space).

So, lots of cool stuff is happening. It would be easy for me to concentrate on the crap, but that only makes the pain in my stomach sharper. If I focus on the awesomeness of all of the really cool people in my life, it feels like I can do this. Like I have a community.

Through the ringer.

July 20, 2003

It's been quite a weekend. A fucking roller coaster.

I think it's safe to say out loud now what I'm sure most of the regulars here have already guessed. I'm currently in the process of separating from my husband. During the week last week, things were quite adversarial between us, and I thought that was hard...but he had a change of heart, and . As it turns out, while it's financially more difficult to fight out a divorce, it's way more emotionally draining for me when we are both working towards the same goal.

I've worked hard to avoid using this space to blame or find fault with my husband, and I've intentionally not aired my difficulties explicitly. Now is not time for me to start doing that. Suffice to say that the demise of my relationship with my husband has been a complex and lengthy process. I have much regret about mistakes that I have made, and I have much resentment about mistakes he has made. Right now, even though - or perhaps because - things are nearing an end, I feel so much more doubt than I have during this entire process. But I know I have been in this place before, and I have allowed the doubt to force me to reconsider, and things have gotten worse and worse. I need to remind myself of this fact constantly, because it's so tempting to stop the process and go back to the familiar, even though that is by far the least healthy option for all of us.

At any rate, I'm so tired. I'm having all of these irrational fears about security that I never thought I would have. While I do have the standard "end of relationship" fears like "What if I never fall in love again" or "What if no one ever falls in love with me again" or "What if I do fall in love again, but the other person doesn't fall in love with me" or "What if someone I don't like falls in love with me" (hahahaha...the angst never ends!) but I also find myself gripped with panic, thinking "What if I lose my job?" and "What if I break my leg?" You know...those kinds of security questions. The whole "who's going to take care of me" mindfuck.

I'm trying not to concentrate on it too hard, though. I'm trying to focus on maintaining the peace and moving forward. At least now it seems that I won't have to hire a lawyer to force him out of the house. The financial worries have not yet ended, but at least they are significantly decreased. Mediation ain't free, but it's cheaper, and it's probably better for both of us as we end our tenuous connection as husband and wife and try to build a stronger relationship as co-parents.

I'm going to print out this post and hang it on the wall in a really nice frame.

July 20, 2003

I love this. I absolutely do.

i said, i'm always going to be fat leroy. it's not a bad thing but some people like to talk about it like it is bad. like everyone should look the same but we don't. i said, i'm happy i'm fat. leroy was laying on the bed, i was leaning against the dresser. he was interested. i was surprised, i didn't show it but i thought i'd lose him before i got this far. he's four. he said, you are fat and you are good mama. yep. i said.

Go read it.

cy

July 20, 2003

cy is right now sitting down looking at the insert for the age of empires game...the one that shows all of the different civilizations, ranks of soldiers and different weapons and what they are used for...and he's, um, PLAYING with it. Like he's making up a story that goes along with the guide.

I just asked him whathe was doing and he said "I pwaying age of vampires! See, it's wike a MAP!"

I think story time is in order. Hope yr Sunday goes well.

Are we ever cooking up a cool portal for you.

July 19, 2003

Liz, who is a freaking goddess, and who I would totally marry if she would have me, is hard at work setting up phpnuke in the main directory of the fullbleed.net site, so we can bring you a flashycool portal that will list all of the full bleed blogs, include the lastest post from each, have a chat client (I love the Flash Chat she has set up at zen of iniquity), and a bulletin board. We are going SO high tech, so I'm hoping you will use some/all/most of it.

I'm feeling all nerded out, even though I have not clue one how I'm going to manage all of this. The good news is that there's a good likelihood I will be using phpnuke for the server I'll be managing at work, so I'll get some good experience on the job, as well.

m and Numbers.

July 18, 2003

m has figured out how to add numbers with zeros after them. Like, he knows that 10+40=50, because 1+4=5...and he knows to apply that logic to all of the numbers. Like 5 million plus 3 million is 8 million. I think that's pretty cool.

I'm pretty certain the reason he is so good at figuring this stuff out on his own is because he's interested in patterns and symmetry. Like, he hates to draw, but he makes these super elaborate symmetrical formations with his pattern blocks...and it stands to reason that if he asks me to solve problems for him often enough, he will pick up on the patterns in my solution. I'm pretty sure that's how reading went for him, too. When he first started reading, he didn't sound out any words, he sight read them - as if he had memorized an entire dictionary full of word formations in his head. It's kind of cool.

So, yeah. I was pretty thrilled today when he told me "It's easy to add 200 plus 300, mom. It's like adding 2+3, and then putting the zeroes back in."

Rock on, little genius dude.

Nummy Detectives!

July 18, 2003

Through the superior investigation skills of Charris, a pretty significant link between the idiot who wrote that article for Real Simple and the makers of Enfamil. Proving that the fucking formula companies have their dirty little bacteria-laden fingers in just about everybody's pie.

Dr. Petrikovsky's major research interests are fetal medicine, prenatal diagnosis, fetoscopy, fetal cardiology, ob/gyn sonography and invasive procedures. He has published over 100 peer-reviewed articles and 10 book chapters. His most recent contribution is a textbook 'Fetal Disorders', which was published by John Wiley & Sons. His research awards include a recognition award from the Brooklyn Gynecologic Society and the Obstetrical Society of Boston. He has also received the Howard Levine, MD Science Award, a Traveling Fellowship from Bristol-Myers, Squibble/Mead Johnson and an award from the Italian Society of Perinatal Medicine.

Thanks to Scratchmittens for the link.

Someone in Washington has REALLY BIG HANDS

July 18, 2003

I just got a link to this article from one of the homeschool e-lists I'm on.

The Department of Education has cited its obligation under federal law to revise the formula and played down the impact. Sally L. Stroup, its assistant secretary for postsecondary education, told The Washington Post last month that "the changes will have a minimal impact on a handful of students."

The figures cited in the report made clear, however, that the new formula would trim the government's primary award program, the Pell grant, by $270 million once it takes effect in the 2004-5 academic year. That amount, financial aid experts said, probably means that hundreds of thousands of students will end up getting smaller Pell grants, not counting the 84,000 who it is estimated will no longer qualify.

"It's pretty hard to call several hundred thousand students a handful," said Brian K. Fitzgerald, director of the Advisory Committee on Student Financial Assistance, which was created by Congress to advise it on higher education. He estimated that more than one million students could receive smaller Pell grants because of the new formula

Digital Divide and Online Activism

July 18, 2003

I think this article had potential to expose something really important, and did a piss poor job of doing it.

Although MoveOn does not track member demographics, anecdotal evidence suggests that its base is disproportionately white. (Al Sharpton and Carol Moseley Braun, for example, faired poorly in the group's recent "primary.") This reflects the persevering digital divide, in which, according to a recent Pew survey, a full 24 percent of Americans are totally offline, and those who are online still tend to be younger, whiter, suburban, better-off and better educated. But defying online trends, the majority of MoveOn's active volunteers are female. And staffers says its members are diverse in other ways, with thousands in each state, ranging in age and income.

First of all, I'm totally dubious about the 24% figure. Even if it is true that 76% of the population has access to the internet (which I doubt, very much, is accurate - or even close to being accurate) I'm certain that figure doesn't take media savvy or know-how into account.

So, basically, what the article ends up saying to me is that yet another layer is being placed between decision-making and the people who are truly in need of services, and who are truly "voiceless". The potential for silencing those who don't have access to or input into the online world is so great with stuff like this, and its something that warrants far more consideration than one or two brief paragraphs in a 5-page article.

The interests of the middle class are NOT the same as those who are much more economically disadvantaged. All voices need to have access as well as valid means of participation before we start congratulating anyone on having revolutionized a damn thing.

That Rumsfeld is so Articulate.

July 18, 2003

Only, I'm not sure he would be pleased with what he's articulating.

"I think that the, the, information we had over a period of time that I cited that the intelligence community gave to me and I read as opposed to ad-libbing was correct. It, it, it was carefully stated . . ."

To me, what's being articulated here is "Oh fuck...who can I blame now?"

Me On Marriage.

July 18, 2003

Susan asked some good questions in a reply to this post, and I think it would be good for me to reflect on them and consider where I have come from and where I am heading in terms of relationships. Susans comments are italicized, and mine are plain text:

So if a person is going to get married, I think they should only do so willingly and whole-heartedly and in the spirit of taking the whole thing seriously.

I need to clarify two things here. First, I got married to L after we found out we were going to have a baby...so it's not like it was a totally well-planned union, but it was a sincere union. Both of us felt as if we were already married prior to getting pregnant, and L had made it clear on several occasions that he wanted to have children with me, although I didn't take it entirely seriously until I got pregnant. Second, I honestly laughed throughout the entire marriage ceremony. It was nervous laughter, and I was 6 months pregnant at the time so I was a bit weirdly emotional, but I very definitely had the giggles through the whole thing.

I feel pretty certain that if you got married it must have been something you felt pretty strongly about. And you would have made it the kind of ceremony and said the kind of vows that you would really believe in. And you would have taken the whole thing really seriously.

To clarify for myself, I don't know that I took marriage all that seriously WHEN I got married, either. We didn't have special vows, nor did we really have a special ceremony. There was nothing particularly special about the event itself at all. But, I did believe at the time that divorce was not really a valid option to any difficulties we might encounter, and that conviction became stronger as we began to raise children together.

It's kind of difficult to explain this, I think, but I came to believe that marriage was a formal way of ensuring that problems would be dealt with and worked out in the best interest of all parties. There was no easy way to get out of the arrangement, so things had to be dealt with. I felt there was/is a lot of potential for growth in a contract-bound relationship. And, in a somewhat cynical way, I used to feel that a lot of my relationship issues would exist with pretty much any person I would get involved with, so it was worth it to work those things out with the person I had chosen as my partner.

So, while I do feel a spiritual/emotional attachment to the idea of marriage...it's not really in the moral sense. In my marriage to L I have outgrown my need to be the be all end all for one individual and to expect that one individual satisfy all of my needs...but I'll get to that later.

Your expectations then were probably very different from what has happened, and staying in a marriage where you're unhappy was never part of the deal. It sounds like you've more than stuck it out, and that the "other party" has opted out of the meaningful parts of the relationship anyway.

Yes. What I failed to consider when committing to working out my issues within the framework of the relationship was the possibility that the other person in the relationship was not willing to work out either my or his issues. Eventually, things totally broke down. Admittedly, I was dealing with my own stuff that was much larger than I had ever really considered...and his stuff was pretty huge on its own. But the hardest part was that just when I broke through my issues to come to a place where I was truly content, I feel that was when he "opted out" as you say. He's attempted to opt back in periodically, but he's never been able to sustain a level of support that I'm comfortable with, and I feel he definitely has his own issues to heal from - in addition to the things that I inflicted on him during that really difficult stretch for me. Just as I feel I need to nurse some wounds that he has inflicted.

I have made it clear to him that I would still be happy to do this within the context of our relationship, but he is completely not communicating with me. Not on any level. And at this point, I've pretty much withdrawn my willingness to work with him because we are unable to communicate with one another in a spirit of trust and respect.

How is this whole thing affecting your feelings about marriage as an institution, if at all? Do you have any regrets about getting married or do you think you'll be more wary of doing it again someday? Or has it had any effect on the substance of your opinions at all?

Quite honestly, I don't know. I'm kind of in the middle of something painful, and I don't know if I can answer for the forest when I keep running into this one really fucking huge tree. However, I think that I would much rather have a social marriage in the future rather than sign a political contract with someone. I'm feeling pretty jaded about the fact that marriage is little more than a business deal that can be difficult to get out of without financial resources, and I don't ever want to have to worry about what I'm worrying about right now. However, I know myself to be a fairly resilient person, and though I feel wary and distrustful now, I'm usually pretty quick to recover from these things.

I also think I have a world of understanding of who I am and what I want now, that I didn't have when I was 26. From life, from love, from my workplace, from relationships. L's big complaint over the past 2 years has been that I've changed, but friends who have known me for most of my life don't see that at all, so perhaps what has changed is how I function in a relationship. And I'm OK with who I am. I'm a lot more independent, a lot more sure of myself, a lot less willing to take shit for the sake of preserving the peace, and a lot more confident that I'm a really good person. I remember I used to always just want to be "nice" - and now I realize that it's OK to be NOT nice sometimes. That NO ONE is nice all of the time. I'm a lot less sensitive to when other people are not nice to me (externally, anyway) knowing that imperfection is a part of being human...I'm more forgiving, but I'm also more demanding of accountability. Meaning, if someone Fucks Up with me, I expect acknowledgment and apology - which is no more or less than what I would want someone to expect of me. I think in the past I've been more willing to forgive someone outwardly and at the same time less willing to forgive inwardly.

There's a lot I have learned about myself within my relationship with L. I'm very thankful for much of it, and I think it will only serve me well for the rest of my life. By and large, my marriage has been about growth, acceptance, and responsibility. While I'm not sure if I will apply that growth to another marriage, I can definitely apply all of those qualities to all of my relationships in a positive way.

On the other hand, having to battle with myself over the moral quandry (for me) of having to bring the law into a civil matter is somewhat maddening. Awhile back, I equated it with a decision I had to make about putting my dog to sleep. I have very deeply-held beliefs about the inherent goodness of people, and it goes against those beliefs to "give up" attempting to negotiate with L and seek the aid of a third party, a LEGAL party, no less. While I have to some extent justified this in my mind, it still feels wrong. But it feels like the best choice out of several bad choices at this point, and, as it has continued to come back to this point periodically for the past 3 years (with greater frequency as the years have progressed) I feel like I need to make a decision whether or not I wholeheartedly agree with myself. I'm not sure if that makes sense...but it's kind of the mindfuck that I'm dealing with (and the mindfuck has come from an external source who understands my feelings about this as well).

I think what I'm starting to consider now is what to watch out for in the future. For one thing, I'm becoming increasingly aware of my distaste for monogamous relationships. And this aversion is complicated by the fact that I seem to have a weird conglomeration of relationship desires that don't mesh when ANYONE else's. But I'm still trying to figure that all out, and for all I know, my feelings on this topic might be artificially affected by my current situation, so I'm going to have to give myself a chance to really enjoy singlehood for awhile before I really figure out what I would want from couplehood. And I've always been the kind of person who does enjoy singlehood. I've never really ever felt desperate to be in a relationship. So, right now I'm sort of just looking forward to not having that person there. To enjoying life with myself and with my kids and with whatever friends happen to pop up along the way. And that feels like a good place to start.

Friday.

July 18, 2003

Ah, Friday. Even though the week went by too quickly, I'm thankful that it's Friday, my day off.

Our plans for today include a puppet show, an eye doctor appointment for m, probably a good deal of housework, and my glorious alone time. I can't wait to go somewhere by myself and sit down with the Chronicle and read about how fucked up everyone ELSE'S lives are for a change. Whoah...that sounds incredibly insensitive, doesn't it?

The kids and I have had a really good week this week. I think I've fully recovered from my vacation AND I'm at the point in my legal troubles where I have a good vision of the future to focus on.

***
One of the advantages, I think, to having waited as long as I have to really move forward on this issue is that I have grown accustomed to dealing with whatever attempted emotional manipulation is thrown at me. I don't always deal with it perfectly, mind you, but where a year ago or so, threats about my future parenting relationship might have thrown me for weeks on end, now I recover within days or even hours. I got some good advice and support from the attorney fairy last night, as well as some input from some homeschoolers. I'm feeling pretty good about everything except for the financial stuff, and I'm going to wait to REALLY panic about that until I actually talk to someone at legal aid. If I'm turned down for legal aid, I'm going to start begging for money pretty seriously from anyone who can afford to contribute. But we will wait and see.

I am proud of myself for my ability to maintain a level of calm in this household, which is a direct result of having lived in this situation for so long and having learned to, for the most part, not respond in anger to things that anger and frustrate me. I know that it is not going to do anyone any good to resort to bitterness and anger, even though it is so fucking tempting to just walk around acting like the world's biggest bitch all day to see if that will drive him away. Instead, I have dealt with temper tantrums and dirty looks, accusations and aspersions with an amazing amount of calmness. I feel in control of my emotions (which is not to say that I haven't used angry words, but it is to say I haven't used them excessively) and where it was once easy for the other person to find the right thing to say that would drive me to rage, I now totally understand the rules of his game, and I have chosen to change my response to his actions.

In fact, I was even more mellow with my clients in the class that just finished yesterday. I realize now that having been in this situation for so long has had further reaching ramifications than I previously thought. I think my level of patience with the children has increased since I've really begun to pursue the goal here, and at the same time, I've realized that there are certain insecurities that I am battling that I don't think I have battled before. I'm thinking it might be a good idea for me to find another therapist to kind of counsel me through this.

Anyway...thanks for all of the well wishes. I truly think that things will turn out ok...better than they are now. Better than they have been for awhile. I've been studying the law, and it looks good for me. My thing is that I'm not looking to take anything from anyone. I'm not looking to get revenge. I honestly do care about everyone who will be affected by the upcoming changes. I even care about the other person a great deal. But I know that I can no longer stay in the current situation with this person. I know the changes I want to see happen will be the best thing for everyone.

Thanks for listening.

(Oh, and I've also been told that it would be absolutely ridiculous for this blog to be considered as "evidence against me" in any legal action that might be taken, so, while I want to refrain from name calling and full disclosure, I don't feel so freaked out that I might have to pull the whole thing down. Thanks Attorney Fairy!)

My kids will NOT go to public school in Texas.

July 17, 2003

Here's why the threat to "force me" to send my child to public school here is so panic-inducing:

In a third of Houston's 30 high schools, scores on the standardized exams have risen as enrollment has shrunk. At Austin High, for example, 2,757 students were enrolled in the 1997-1998 school year, when only 65 percent passed the 10th grade math test, an important gauge of school success in Texas. Three years later, 99 percent of students passed the math exam, but enrollment shrank to 2,215 students. The school also reported that dropout figures had plummeted 92 percent, to 0.3 percent from 4.1 percent.

Dr. Kimball, in an interview here, said that many schools had assistant principals who act as "bouncers," pushing students who show up late to school or are frequently absent to quit. In addition, schools may hold back 9th graders who do poorly on a pre-test for the 10th grade math exam, producing an artificial "9th grade bulge" in student enrollment, Dr. Kimball said. Studies have demonstrated that students who are left back are more likely to drop out.

"You're driving kids out that will skew your test scores," Mr. Noriega said.

Even if it were to happen that my kids would be "the good ones" (and I have no idea how they will behave/perform in school, so I don't know) I do NOT want them in this kind of environment. It's fucked, and it's fucked for so many good kids. I will not allow my kids to enter public school, and, damnit, once they are older, I'm going to fight HARD for reform or revolution.

Spookydoll. And why I love her.

July 17, 2003

I forgot to mention that yesterday was Spookydoll's birthday! Happy birthday, woman. I read her birthday post, and I was so enthralled with and enamored by her critique of women's magazines in general, and Allure in particular, that by the time I reached the end of the article, I had totally forgotten it was her birthday. hahahahah. Maybe that was her intention. Employing some distraction techniques commonly only found in advertising, she avoids another happy birthday wish!

Anyway, here's my favorite excerpt from her post. I had to read it out loud to my co-worker:

I've been thinking a lot about vanity lately. My Mom has been giving me her old Allure magazines, still in their plastic wrap. Why does she have these? What kind of masiochism drove her to subscribe? The June issue was particularly mortifying, as it was all about looking "Younger." The reader must navigate all kinds of fear-based, contradictory advice from various "experts," all, obviously kow-towing to product placement. And the studies are the worst! They usually have the most reductive view of human sexuality-- a kind of biological determinism. What is most attractive is attributed to a cave-man's sensibilities-- symmetrical women, young blushing women, women with perky bottoms are all ready to have children, so there you have it. What's ironic is most of the women they feature are so thin, it's a miracle they ovulate at all.

Happy birthday, A. I love you so much, woman. You are truly an inspiration to me, and you have been for a very long time - wow...half yr lifetime, even.

Lawyer-eze

July 17, 2003

I'm thinking when I ask a lawyer for an estimate, and she replies "several thousand dollars" she actually means "you can't fucking afford it."

What do you think?

Have I Finally Cracked?

July 16, 2003

Quick, someone tell me that it's insanely hilarious that I can't get the Cake version of "I Will Survive" song out of my head. I've found myself singing it periodically throughout the day, and I've laughed out loud each time.

My state of mind.

July 16, 2003

I don't have much to say this morning. Things have gotten pretty bad here, and I hope it's just temporary. I'm trying to hold it together in the face of some pretty severe crap without doing permanent damage to the children, and this kind of stuff is difficult to get through/write about without saying accusatory, mean, and demeaning things about the other person involved.

I'm tired and I have a headache. I'm worried about the intellectual integrity of my kids and what is being said to them to compromise that. I'm hoping that the other person involved in this situation wises up and realizes that it's ME he has a problem with, and not the children...and that all negotiations, challenges, and disagreements should be between me and him.

While I am interested in doing as little harm as possible, it appears my intentions are not being interpreted as such, and defensive reactions are occurring where they are not necessary. So what I thought was going to be a resolution has become a battle...and a battle was exactly what I was hoping to avoid. I'm really trying to understand how everyone feels about this, but I think it's impossible - particularly when feelings and ideas are not communicated to me.

So, anyway, I guess I'm needing some really positive "every little thing is gonna be alright" vibes as I go through this. While I'm tempted to regret having not taken action sooner, I know that I have strength of conviction now that I haven't had in the past, and DO know that I can make it through this...but, wow...I think it's going to be a lot harder than I had originally thought.

Two sites that kind of make me wonder...

July 15, 2003

Dawn linked up Testicle Theater.

And karan linked up A Day In The Life of My Mouth.

Both made me laugh, and then both made me wonder if I was laughing because it was funny, or if I was laughing nervously at the thought of ever meeting the people responsible in person.

Privilege and, um, legal issues

July 15, 2003

I'm not sure how much of this is ok for me to disclose, so I'm going to keep things kind of vague here. However, I think it's important to talk about how privilege (or the lack thereof) affects and informs everything we do. My current situation and my attempts to extract myself from it are being complicated by the fact that it's nearly impossible for me to extract myself from it without legal aid, and yet legal aid is difficult if not impossible for me to obtain with my financial resources. Since the other party in this situation is unwilling to negotiate with me directly, and since his lack of ability to negotiate seems to result in the situation remaining unchanged, and since the situation remaining unchanged results in me remaining in an environment which is uncomfortable at best, I am forced to beg and borrow money in order to hire a third party to legally dissolve the relationship and solve the problems.

This flies in the face of everything I stand for or believe in, but I feel like it's my last best option. And it leaves me wondering how difficult it is for women who are in far worse situations get by. Because the system is clearly not set up to help those with limited financial resources. I can definitely see why women feel forced to stay in abusive relationships because they feel like they have no other options. Sure, there are legal aid services available for people who need them, but how hard is it to muster the energy to stand before a stranger with a hat in hand. It's fucking difficult enough feeling like you've "failed" in a relationship without having to have a totally unrelated third party judge whether you are worthy of receiving aid from them.

Is there ANY level on which the system is not totally fucked? I mean, I'd like to hear about an area where people are provided for unconditionally, because I'm really tired of feeling like anywhere I turn there are people who are getting screwed.

The most interesting part of my little situation is the well-meaning advice that so frequently reflects privilege. People have frequently offered solutions that are not options for me due to my limited resources, and then acted as if I was insulting them or "playing the victim" by not taking those options. At least that's been my perception, which is not always accurate. I think a lot of people are totally unaware of how out of reach it is for someone without money to get legal help. And above and beyond my personal legal issues, this really gives me insight into why so many people who are in jail are people who had limited financial resources. And how the cycle continues on and on and on.

At times like this, it helps me to remember first that I'm not alone in my difficulties, and that, in fact, I have a great deal of privilege that others do not. For instance, if I really REALLY need money, DESPERATELY, I have relatives who would no doubt help me out. It would be kind of embarrassing for me to have to ask for help, but I could do it. Secondly, there's kind of an internalized privilege that assures me that everything will work out OK simply because, in my life, pretty much everything always HAS worked out OK and, whether my past informs my future or not, it is helpful to have a pattern of success to work from. If I was in this situation with a pattern of failure, I might not even try to get out of it.

So much to think about. In the end, though, I'm content with the choices I'm making and, in spite of my frequent bouts of panic, I'm confident that I'll get through everything OK. The point is that I have options. Options that not everyone else has. I'm thankful for those options, but I'm also resentful of the fact that others might be trapped in similar situations with a lack of such options.

When You Die...Can I Have Yr Stuff?

July 15, 2003

m just walked up to me, rubbing his hands together greedily, and said:

"Mom, when you die, I get to have all of your stuff you had when you were alive...same for dad."

hahahahahaha...um...wait. I hope he's not psychic.

ER...wait! I hope he's not PLOTTING something.

Further Evidence that We Are All So Fucked

July 14, 2003

Dozens of the Government's most influential advisers on critical health and environmental issues have close links to biotech and drug corporations, according to a dossier of Whitehall documents obtained by The Observer. Internal papers from the Department for the Environment, Farming and Rural Affairs (Defra) reveal for the first time the extent of the close connections between big business and scientists hired to give independent advice to Ministers. Many work as consultants for the firms, own shares in the companies or enjoy lucrative research grants from them.

Confidential documents disclose that former Environment Minister Michael Meacher and Food and Farming Minister Lord Whitty, were deeply concerned that scientists with industry links were dominating committees on everything from food safety and air quality to the imminent arrival of GM crops. Both Meacher and Whitty were alarmed that the scientists' commercial links jeopardised the independence of the advice they gave.

The list goes on and on.

Talking in Bars about War

July 14, 2003

I love the way this article addresses (perhaps inadvertantly) the need to really be out there with your opinions about world events, and how people can surprise us by their reactions to them. I also love the way it is written as sort of a slice of life. It's really refreshing to stumble on articles like this amidst all of the fiction dressed up as fact that's so prevalent in the media.

Oh, how I love fatphobia...

July 14, 2003

in response to a long-ago post about adbusters' infamous "Fat People Are Responsible for All of the Problems in the World" issue, I got this:

A new comment has been posted on your blog Full Bleed: Confessions of a Zine Girl, on entry #176 (Why Adbusters Sucks).

http://surreally.net/fullbleed/newmt/mt-comments.cgi?entry_id=176

IP Address: 137.82.204.180
Name: Jay
Email Address: jsoko7@hotmail.com
URL:

Comments:

I've noticed ONLY FATSOS have a problem with that issue of ADBUSTERS. hmmmmmm.

J

I'm not sure if it's an actual e-mail address...but you can try it out if you want to speak your mind.

My response would be something like "It's clear from this response that you have superiour intellect. Do you think if I go on a diet, I can be super smart, like you?"

or something.

Fucker.

Feeling compelled to write.

July 14, 2003

Although I really don't have anything to write about today. I've been too busy running around with the kids to read much news today, and while I had an enjoyable day running around with the kids, there really wasn't anything exciting going on...just the usual: going to the pool, eating meals, etc.

I had a talk with m last night about the upcoming changes in our lives. He seemed amazingly cool about things, but I'm being careful to pay close attention to how he interacts around that issue. For awhile now, though, he's been very interested in helping out and sharing. While there are still a lot of little spats between him and c, he frequently announces that he and his baby brother are like twins because they like and dislike the same things. And yesterday he went as far as to say that when he gets older, he's not going to move out of the house until c is grown up, too, because he wants to share a house with his brother. I thought that was so totally adorable, it made up for an entire weeks' worth of having to referee their petty disagreements.

I'm totally feeling good about the upcoming changes. I am at peace with my decision(s), and I'm kind of excited about experiencing the outcome of those decisions. It's just the getting to that point that is rough...which reminds me that I have some phone calls to make.

So, yeah. Life's just kind of moving along here. Nothing terribly exciting to report, and that is actually kinda nice. I'll be sending CDs out to Veggiemama, Nakachi, and a few other people tomorrow. I was going to send them today, but I walked into the post office and there was a lobbyful of disgruntled looking people waiting for their numbers to be called. The board read "42" and the next number in the ticket dispenser was "60." So, I thought..."Fuck it!"

I'll be pretty busy at work for the next week, and then things ought to slow down a bit for me. At that point, I'll probably be writing curriculum for a blogging class that I'm hoping to offer next semester, so if anyone wants to give me ideas for what should be included in a basic "web publishing using movable type" class, that'd be really cool.

Liberia History Lesson

July 13, 2003

I'll have to come back to this article when I'm not fielding a million questions. But I think I need to do more self-educating on the subject of Liberia...so if anyone has more links, throw them in comments, please.

Some excellent links about the war er, occupation (oh, and one about ADD)

July 13, 2003

Christopher, at Back in Iraq, posts what's happening "Meanwhile, Back in Iraq":

While much deserved attention is paid to battle for the truth against the Bush administration's many changing rationales for war, the battle for Iraq is still ongoing. Newsday has a chilling interview with a man known as Khaled, who claims to be a commander of the Saddam Fedayeen, and says the resistance is organized, growing and ruthless.

"We have many more people and we're a lot better organized than the Americans realize," said Khaled, 29, who gave an hour-long interview to Newsday on Wednesday on the condition that only his first name be published. "We have been preparing for this kind of guerrilla war for a long time, and we're much more patient than the Americans. We have nowhere else to go."

And Madame Insane posts a link to Kos, where a commenter gives us more to think about while our attentions are vied for elsewhere:

Is it possible that the Niger/Uranium story is another Weapon of Mass Distraction? The UK Guardian has a detailed story on the oil now leaving Basra headed for the US at $5 a barrel below OPEC with proceed going into a fund managed by the Coalition forces. Add that to a story on Buzzflash about a possible new pipeline directly to Kuwait from the Iraqi southeastern oil fields. We bomb the country for no reason, destroy its infrastructure and then make them pay us back with their oil futures? And we are already shipping oil to the US, but a viable water system for the Iraqi people is at least a year away?

Hey...won't that translate into cheap gas for us? That'll shut us up!

It's a good thing so many of us have "Attention Deficit Disorder" and are able to focus on more than one thing at a time

Accountability

July 13, 2003

I know they are totally different publications, and that fact alone would cause there to be differences in reporting style, but I can't help but assume there are inherent differences between the media in the US and the UK that lead consumers of media to hold or not hold their officials accountable for their misdeeds. Or, perhaps it's the structure of government. Where it seems like Bush is protected by layer upon layer of largely non-elected (in fact, for the most part, BUSH-APPOINTED. Although Tenet was not appointed by Bush, many others who have redirected attention on this single issue and on many others, were) officials who are willing (or forced) to take the fall for the president, Blair seems to be able and/or willing and/or expected to stand on his own two feet.

An excerpt from this Guardian article that illustrates my point:

Yesterday, in another damaging broadside, Richard Butler, who was executive chairman of the United Nations Special Commission to Iraq from 1997 to 1999, said that anyone who had claimed that there was a link between Niger and Iraq should resign.

Referring to Australian politicians who had made similar claims, only to withdraw them and apologise later, Butler said: 'In the justification for the war, these claims were false and known to be false.

'A Minister who misleads Parliament must accept responsibility for it and resign. Ministers must be held responsible, not public servants.'

And here's an excerpt from the Time article:

In what looked like a command performance of political sacrifice, the head of the agency that expressed some of the strongest doubts about the charge took responsibility for the President's unsubstantiated claim. "The CIA approved the President's State of the Union address before it was delivered," said CIA Director George Tenet in a statement. "I am responsible for the approval process in my agency. And ... the President had every reason to believe that the text presented to him was sound. These 16 words should never have been included in the text written for the President."

You see what I'm saying? Does anyone have any insight into why this is? I mean, other than the obvious point that the US government is incredibly corrupt, and the British government is a little less corrupt? Does Blair not have any non-elected officials to take the fall for him?

Perhaps he should get some.

Madame Insane Vs. Real Simple

July 12, 2003

Ms. Insane linked up a ridiculous tip from Real Simple magazine that listed breastfeeding as something that could be cut from your schedule to save time.

I know, I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous. Anyone with more than 2 contiguous brain cells knows that not only does breastfeeding save time spent washing bottles and preparing formula, not to mention going to the store and getting formula, not to mention potential sick time due to the lack of antibodies in formula, not to mention...I could go on and on.

Anyway, this kind of shit is totally unacceptable, and it makes me feel that it's absolutely imperitive that we reclaim the phrase "simple living" and apply it NOT to the consumerist movement that dictates which expensive accessories one must buy to live simply, but to the true state of consuming as little as possible and utilizing resources and time in an environmentally efficient manner.

Read what Ms. Insane says about this, educate yourself on breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding, if you aren't already educated, and give Real Simple (a subsidiary of time freaking life) a piece of your mind. I'll be composing my letter tonight.

Talking to the m about War

July 11, 2003

Last night, I had to go in to work to lock up after having stayed home sick with the kind of allergy attack that made my head feel like it was in a vice, or like someone had socked me squarely in the jaw. m, who had been cooped up all day witnessing my misery, wanted to come with, so I loaded him in the car and we drove the 10 minutes to my workplace, listening to that damned Neal Boortz show.

There's really only one thing worse than my addiction to AM talk radio, and that's listening to AM talk radio with small children in the car. However, there was a caller on the Boortz show who finally prompted the "war discussion" with m that I've been trying to formulate in my mind for the past year or so - ever since m started really idealizing war and saying peace was dumb and war is great.

The caller was postulating that, first of all, we all KNOW that Bush lied...and that's OK, because, really, the humanitarian thing and the WMD thing was just an excuse to exercise our authority over Iraq, to "keep them in line." He was trying to put forward that Iraq was "just another front" in the war on terror, and that people need to shut up and stop complaining about how Bush lied about it. I'm hearing this more and more by conservatives now, which is funny, because they are the same conservatives who argued voiciferously that those of us who were calling bush a liar were a bunch of paranoid commie freakazoids who should just get over our chicken little complex already.

But I digress. Specifically what this guy said was, strategically speaking, that we needed to "put pressure on" our allies to "round up all of the terrorists and torture and kill them." And then, we need to attack all of the countries who are "against us." Until the terrorist threat is gone.

Bad parenting tactic #3 million, do not shout "FUCK YOU!" at the top of your lungs when your 6 year old is in the car. It certainly got m's attention, though.

"What's the matter, mom? Our army is strong enough to win any war!"

"Yes, but if we spend all of our time waging war, we can't advance as a society. And, besides, if we go around pushing everyone around, they will arm themselves against us."

m, ever the tactician, responded, "Then we can just build up our defenses and counter-attack."

This is when I just had it with m. I try REALLY HARD to not assert my opinion as fact, and I try REALLY HARD to not give frightening details of war to him, but I really was feeling like he needed to understand that there is more to war than the little animated characters in his computer game.

So, I told him. m, I said, did you know that over 6,000 civilians in Iraq were killed in the war? Do you know what civilians are? Can you imagine what it would be like if I went to the store one day, and I never came back? Whatwould it be like if I went to the grocery store, and a bomb was dropped on that store, and I died? What has happened in Iraq is that thousands of mamas no longer have their babies, and thousands of babies no longer have their mamas and their papas. They were just walking down the street, and a bomb hit, and that was it. Just normal people like you and me. 6,000 - that's not even counting the soldiers who have died. Six thousand normal people going about their normal lives. They are dead now. We killed them. And that makes me very sad.

m was silent for a little while, and I added, "That is why I get so upset when you talk about war like it's a good thing. I don't think it is. I think there are better ways to resolve things, and I hope one day you or one of your friends will figure out how to do that so we won't have to kill people to resolve our differences."

m thought for a minute, and said "I think the leaders should play the CARD GAME war to resolve their differences."

And I laughed about that, kind of quietly, because I didn't want him to think I wasn't taking him seriously, and then I told him that he was still kind of young, and that there was a lot he might not know about what goes into waging war, but that it's not a simple thing, and it's not as if only soldiers die, and even if it was, soldiers are pretty innocent, as well.

"But," I told him, "we don't really hear too much about the civilians who have died, do we?"

"No," m said. "We really only hear about the soldiers. In fact, we really only hear about the American soldiers who have died."

Whoa. Smart kid!

And then he asked me to stop talking about it. So I did. By that time we were at my workplace, and I got out and locked all of the doors, and we got back into the van and talked about other stuff.

But it was really bothering me that I had gone off on a diatribe, so when we were pretty close to home I brought the conversation up again, but not to talk about war, but rather to talk about talking about this stuff. I told him that I wanted to be sure that he didn't just believe whatever I said...but that I also didn't want him to go around believing what anyone else says. That I want him to really think about things, and figure out what he believes in his mind and in his heart. That as he grows older, he will discover new things and different ways of understanding things, and I want him to use his whole mind and his whole heart to figure out what things he believes and what he doesn't believe, and what he thinks is right and wrong.

"OK, mom. Can we stop talking about this now?" Was all he said.

But I think it was a pretty good conversation.

Ah, fuck it. Happy Birthday, anyway.

July 11, 2003

I was trying to find one of those cool Edward Gorey e-cards to send to Subversity for his birthday, but I had several excrement-related emergencies to take care of (not MINE...but the small trying-to-potty-train one) and now I'm too flustered and annoyed to continue my search.

So, happy birthday, man. Here's to many many more. Everyone go wish him well!

Journey Recap, Part 6

July 11, 2003

I really should just write the main points of the journey from here on out because I'm getting tired of writing this. This always happens when I try to recap my journeys, I always fizzle out before finishing, and I have tons of accounts of the first few days of the journey and NOTHING about the end. hahahahahha

But I'm going to try to stick with this until the end. Someone needs to ride my ass if I quit, ok? Even though it's starting to feel like a chore to write about it.

We woke up in Stuttgart and, after writing in my journal, I set to work reloading the car. The kids were engrossed in cartoons while I loaded up the cooler (and added ice from the ice machine, which the manager told me I could do! Yay!) and re-packed the car, rearranging the chaos to make my job a little easier.

The car wasn't neat by any measure, but it had an order to it. The kids were in the middle seat, the luggage was in the back seat, the cooler and water tank were in the back, along with my suitcase. Next to the middle seat, I had saved a space on the floor to make diaper changes easy (I can never bring myself to use public diaper changing tables, that just seems like an invitation for germs and illness to me.) In the front passenger seat, I had the non-perishable food items in a place that made it easy for me to pass them back to the kids, and I had a bin full of toys situated so it was easy for me to pass them back. I also had a bin of extra toys and books and things on the back seat, so I could change stuff out if the kids got bored.

Then, of course, there was my little MP3 player, and my MP3 collection. Good music is essential for every journey. I forgot to mention that within the first half of the first day of the journey I had to give in and stop at a store and purchase an Auto cigarette lighter adapter for my MP3 player because it was EATING batteries at a rate of 2 every hour. And even though I had rechargeable batteries, it was not going to work. During that stop, I also picked up some little Tupperware containers for food because I stupidly forgot to pack anything resembling a dish. I also bought c a little pretend computer because he and m were fighting over m's "beep beep" toy (one of those quiz card packs). It was a bit of an investment, but it was worthwhile to not have to hear the kids argue, and if they argued anyway, now I could be assured that I would have the power to just turn up the MP3 player and drown them out hahahaha.

So, anyway, I loaded everything up and rearranged some things for easier access, and then I loaded the kids in and we were on our way. We drove straight up hwy 63 to get on I-40, headed for Memphis.

And nothing very thrilling happened until we hit Memphis and saw that huge fucking pyramid.

I would have liked to have stopped in Memphis and walked along the river, but m didn't want to. Maybe next time...because I definitely would like to visit Memphis again and get more of a feel for the city. So we just drove around aimlessly for awhile, looking for the visitor information center, not finding it. Then we called Tracy and told her we would be at her place in a few hours. We never even got out of the car, and we continued on 40 towards Nashville.

I know I shouldn't listen to AM talk radio

July 10, 2003

But I can't help myself.

Lately, my biggest vice has been Neal Boortz. Last night I heard him make the most RIDICULOUS argument ever for the fact that the US doesn't need to prove there are WMD in Iraq. His completely circular (il)logic was that at the close of the last Gulf War, Hussein agreed to stop making WMD and to provide proof that he had stopped. Since he never provided proof, the war in Iraq was totally legal, and we do not have to prove that he was producing WMD.

Um, OK.

So, Mr. Boortz, even if legality is not at stake here (and I'll defer to you on that, even though I suspect your daddy BOUGHT your law degree) what you have neglected to consider is that, regardless of the supposed legality of the war in Iraq, the United States government has an obligation to act in accordance to the wishes of the people of the United States, and if the U.S. government tells the people of the U.S. (not to mention the world, as it's more than just U.S. citizens and residents who are affected by this war) that it's waging war because of solid evidence that points to the fact that WMD are being manufactured, then DAMNIT, yes they do need to find those WMD. Regardless of the so-called legality of it's actions.

In addition, I am totally in awe of your ability to so matter-of-factly make such a nonsensical argument, when the facts fly in the face of it. Saddam Hussein never provided proof that he DIDN'T have WMD? The FUCK? How do you prove that something ISN'T there? Oh, yeah, I suppose you can have weapons inspectors hang around year after year and find no evidence. I suppose that might count as proof of nonexistence. Asswipe.

The other thing that makes me bang on the steering wheel when I'm listening to Boortz is his insistence that there are members of our society who do not pay taxes. Today he was talking about a letter written by a woman that stated she would have liked to get a tax refund and she would have put that money right back into the economy. Boortz retaliates (as he, and all other stupid rich white people do) "The woman does not even pay taxes."

Come again, Mr. Boortz? Now I KNOW your daddy bought you that law degree. Because you are either too dumb to realize that anyone who purchases or uses goods and services in this country PAYS TAXES, or you are intentionally lying to your audience. I'm hoping the people who listen to your radio show realize that your insistence that people who don't pay federal income tax "don't pay ANY taxes" (and, yes, you said "ANY" several times) is a complete and total falsehood. And then closing your little diatribe against this woman with the comment "A person with a child who makes 10,500 dollars a year - now THERE'S a responsible adult." was absolutely the most insensitive, idiotic thing I've ever heard out of anyone on the radio. How the fuck do you gauge a person's level of responsibility based on their level of income, Mr. Boortz?

Folks, Mr. Boortz is a fine example of a true libertarian. He's happy to reduce government interference that inconveniences HIM and his wealthy friends and relations, but he's not at all interested in promoting equality among people who disagree with his emphasis on MONETARY value as the sole basis of determining SOCIAL value.

Fuck Neal Boortz. I know he knows better. I am certain he is intentionally misleading people when he spouts off about this crap. If I thought he would let me talk for five minutes without hanging up on me like he does with any caller who even begins to disagree with him, I would call his show and tell him so. But I'm writing this here instead.

And just to make it really clear to any idiots out there who want to even presume that people who make too little money to pay federal income tax AREN'T PAYING TAXES, you would basically have to live a completely self-sustaining lifestyle to avoid paying any taxes at all...and if someone was doing that, they'd be using way fewer resources than the wealthy fuckers who complain about them anyway. In fact, I'd be willing to wager that most people who earn so little that they don't pay federal income taxes are probably less of a strain on resources than just about any wealthy person.

Money is not the only form of subsidy. We subsidize the wealthy with our natural resources, with our labor, with our land, and with our fucking airwaves.

You see what I have to deal with?

July 10, 2003

m picks up a level that happens to be laying on the floor in the living room, and asks:

"Are humans level? Are DOGS level?"

*sigh*

Journey Recap, Part 5

July 10, 2003

After the stop at the state park, we drove on. I was hoping to make it to Memphis that night, but the kids had other ideas, so I started looking for a place to stop about an hour or so after our stop. We pulled into a hotel parking lot in Pine Bluff, AR and I poked my head in the lobby to ask what their rates were. I was overwhelmed by a stench of rotten eggs in the air and I thought, "surely this stinky air hotel is inexpensive." I was so wrong. They were trying to charge 70 bux for a room in a super 8 in a stinky-ass town. Granted, it was one of the really nice Super 8's with an indoor pool and a video surveillance console for the parking lot, but it was not worth 70 bux.

Hotel managers confuse me. If you are not going to fill the hotel anyway (and, at 8 PM on a weekday, I would think it would be doubtful that you would suddenly get a rush of customers) Why on earth would you not cut your losses and start offering cheaper rates to people? Surely it can't be terribly expensive to rent a room that would otherwise lay empty. I've always been told that it's a lot cheaper if you don't make a reservation and instead arrive late and ask for a discount. I have never found this to be true. I mean, I never make reservations anyway, simply because there's no way for me to know how far the kids will tolerate being in the car, and I want to go as far as possible each day, but I have never known a hotel manager who responds well to being asked for a discount. Perhaps I need to work on my delivery.

At any rate, we got in the car and drove on, past the paper plant which explained the Odor of Pine Bluff, and on to Stuttgart, which I kept pronouncing SHTOOT-GART, the way, I suppose, I was always taught to pronounce it...and wondering if the people who live in Stuttgart pronounce it that way, or if they pronounce it STUT-gart.

At any rate, in Stuttgart, I rolled into a considerably less fancy Super 8 and the manager offered me a discount without my asking (I think she took pity on me when I said I was a mama traveling alone with my kids) AND she gave me extra towels, which made me feel guilty enough to actually take a shower.

Here's something I do that defies the words of wisdom of countless people...I ENJOY and REQUEST a ground floor room in motels with doors that open to the outside. I know that violates all kinds of safety laws, but it's just so much more damn convenient for me to park the damn van, set the kids up with some Cartoon Network, and unload what we need for the night. I'm always very careful to lock all of the locks, but if I had to drag the kids back and forth to the van to unload and load the van after a long day of travel, we would all probably kill each other. Besides, the minute we step into a hotel room, there is NO prying m away from the television. And, really, what else is there to do in a hotel room?

m was thrilled that this hotel room had a regrigerator AND Cartoon Network. Although we missed Power Puff Girls. The kids went to sleep fairly easily, though. Which was a relief. I remember that on the trip to Portland, OR, the most trying times were spent trying to get cy to sleep so I could go to sleep. I was encouraged by this first night, and I don't think we had a single stressful night the entire trip. We all fell asleep fairly easily, even on the few days that we spent most of our time in the car.

The next morning, I woke up and wrote this in my journal:

Paid bills last night - shudder - next time I'll do that BEFORE the vacation. It was a real drag.

Made it to Stuttgart to stay in a Super 8. The woman @ the desk took pity on me when I said I was traveling alone with my kids & gave me a "manager's special" of 35 bux a night for a double. Maybe I'll stay here on my way back.

Yesterday was gorgeous - through the trees and forests and over lakes. Today I'm really hoping we get there not too late. I'll call K once we get in calling range and warn her.

We stopped in some town - Pine Bluff - andwe were going to sleep there, but they wanted us to pay too much and the paper mill in the town made it smell like poo. In fact, I imagined traveling with kids is a lot like traveling with a punk rock band:

"sniff, sniff - EW---WHO FARTED?!"
"It was c."

I have no idea what time it is, but I'm pretty sure we slept later than I intended to. Gotta pack the car.

It's apparent from that entry that I still thought I was going to make it into DC that day. hahahhahahahahaha. I couldn't have been more wrong. I think I really underestimated how LONG the state of Tennessee is, and how TALL the state of Virginia is.

To go with the story about the town that smelled like poo, the next day c had a poop in his diaper and m exclaimed "c's diaper smells like a paper factory!"

More tomorrow.

Radical Homeschool Blog

July 9, 2003

I've been meaning to re-launch the radical homeschool blog by moving it over to fullbleed.net and redesigning, re-recruiting editors...and I'm about to choose a ready-made template from blog styles or some other such site, but I thought I'd first ask if there's anyone out there who would like to do a custom design.

Any takers? I'll give you a mix CD in exchange, as well as a prominent link.

Also, please e-mail me if you would like to participate. Anyone who homeschools or is interested in homeschooling is welcome to join, and I'm thinking of recruiting some of my local homeschool mamas, as well...so if you know someone who homeschools, send them my way!

After I get radhomeschool relaunched, I"m going to set my sites on relaunching clothespins for the revolution. And I still need to work on the fullbleed.net portal. bah. I think I have too much stuff going on all at once, what do you think?

My Day...My Life

July 9, 2003

I had a pretty good day today, and since it's been awhile since I've posted about my daily activities, I figure it would be nice to share.

Last night, m had an overnight guest in the form of his oldest friend, S. m has known S since he was a tiny baby, because S's mom, M. used to work in the childcare room at the gym I used to go to, and then she also helped us out one day a week. M's just the coolest. She's this striking tall vibrant incredible woman who manages to just DO so much stuff. She's been a single parent forever, and she's so capable and at the same time so carefree that she's an absolute inspiration to me. But I also just have the hardest time talking to her. It's not that I don't like her or find her interesting, because I totally love her, and I think she's fantastic...but it's just that when we start talking, it's almost like we're speaking different languages, and I don't ever feel like I can adequately express my appreciation for her. And then I'm stuck feeling like maybe she might think I think I'm too cool for her or vice versa because I can't seem to keep a conversation going with her, and it ends up being an awkward mess.

At any rate, her son stayed with us last night, and the boys just all had a great time. I came home from work and they were all watching the Pokemon movie. cy is in love with S, and wanted to sit next to him and say everything he said and just BE him. It was really adorable. And m has such a good relationship with S, which is good, because S is truly a great kid. He's always been so considerate, which I think came from growing up in an environment where his mom cared for other children, and of course part of it might be just his nature, but he was very considerate of cy's adoration, where some kids might have been annoyed.

It was a nice night, even though m and S didn't settle down and go to sleep until past midnight. They were pretty self-contained and really didn't argue or cause any trouble. They both seemed to really be having fun.

So when M came over this morning to pick him up, I told her that she was welcome to leave S at our place whenever she needed to. She, in her words, "finally has to get a job" after having gotten by on odd jobs for the past year or so. (This is something else that amazes me about M - her ability to just GET BY somehow.) I'm thinking she might need some help with S, and I'm totally willing to do whatever. He's absolutely no problem for me to take care of.

Of course, M offered to mow our lawn or do something in trade, which is really nice. I'm hoping she will help me with my garden next year, but I don't feel it's necessary for her to mow my freaking lawn every time I watch her kid...although I'm sure she's going to sneak over and do it anyway while I'm at work or something.

Anyway, after she left, we all had breakfast and got ready to head over to K's house for a playdate. K has 4 kids and is just totally amazing to me. She's one of the few homeschool moms I know who I feel like I can really talk to, and we did talk. First we got the kids all occupied with playing with each other. She showed me her lovely new garden, and we started talking about my current relationship issues (which, at some point, I'm going to have to "come out" with on the blog, but I don't think I'm ready yet. Oh, hell, but suffice to say that I am desperately trying to separate from my husband without causing too terribly much disruption, and my attempts at being amenable are, I think, making him think that I'm not serious...and basically he won't leave. And I CAN'T leave because I'm the one who pays the mortgage, and he is not employed, so I'm just trying to figure out what my options are...and this has been a process that has been going on for pretty much the last two years, and I'm just really ready to get it over with, already, and move forward.) and my trip, and our money issues, and homeschooling, and our reservations about cub scouts (both of our older boys want to join cub scouts.) And we talked about another homeschool mom, a mom I really respect, even though I don't know her really well, whose husband suddenly and unexpectedly died over the weekend, and no one is really sure why. It's so sad and so scary to hear stuff like this, and I want to figure out what kind of physical help she needs. She lives kind of far out of town, and I don't know if she has a support group to lean on. So, I think I'll try to e-mail her later in the week, but what the heck do you say? I don't have her phone number, so I can't call her. So, we'll see.

But it was really nice hanging out with K. I totally enjoy hanging out with her, and I wish she didn't live like 45 minutes away from me by car. But I did tell her, and she seemed to agree, that we should probably hang out more often.

So then I left her house and drove back home. c fell asleep almost instantly in the car, and, oddly enough, m also fell asleep. I dropped them off at home and gathered my things and came straight to work.

And I haven't gushed about my job lately, but I have a really awesome beginner class going on right now. It's just such a nice group of people, and I'm so excited about all of the stuff that's going on and all of the stuff that I learned at the conference, and all of the ideas that I have. It sucks that I'm teaching a class right now, because I really want to sit down and process everything. Unfortunately, my management assistant is out of work due to a serious illness, and we miss him terribly both because he's just a neat guy and because he's the one who takes over for me when I've got paperwork and thinking work to do. So, no time to process, just time to go go go, but at least I have a nice group of people to go go go with.

So, that's it. That's where I am and what I've been up to. Tomorrow, if it's not raining, we'll be meeting up with the homeschoolers at the pool. I think that will be fun, and perhaps if m sees more kids swimming he might finally figure out that he can do it, too. We've been going back and forth on whether or not he wants to take swimming lessons. I keep telling him I won't pay for swimming lessons until he feels like he will be comfortable putting his face in the water, and he can't decide if he's comfortable with that or not...and on and on.

Friday I will either attend an NCBI meeting, or I will visit with my sick co-worker, or maybe both, Saturday I am at work, and Sunday I will be hanging out with my friend W, who has finally rid himself of his pesky roommate.

Phew.

Gimme some good new music ideas

July 9, 2003

After having spent 4000 miles with my MP3 collection, I'm ready for something new. Please, please, please list your favorite musical artists or songs so I can start downloading new stuff.

I wanna hear from everyone. Please! Even if you feel like your taste in music sux, even if (especially if) you stopped listening to new music way back in the 80's (like me) or even earlier than that.

While I'm being demanding, I may as well command you to track this back, too...so I can get suggestions from people who don't usually visit.

Pretty please?

Just thought I'd let everyone know

July 9, 2003

I really, really love cherries. I mean, REALLY. They are so tasty.

Come Back, Salmon

July 9, 2003

Another really excellent book I chose at random on my last trip to the library was Come Back, Salmon, which is a true story about how an elementary school in Everett, Washington brought a dead Creek back to life, stocked it with salmon, and through their diligence and vigilence got salmon to spawn there for the first time in over 20 years.

I thought it was an excellent story about how children have the power to make real change. The children at Jackson Elementary cleaned out an entire creek, raised salmon from eggs to set them free in the creek, and maintained the habitat so the fish would be able to come back and spawn. I thought it was especially interesting teaching this lesson in the context of salmon, which are really a concrete metaphor for going against the grain to accomplish what they need to in life.

More resources below:

More links:

The Salmon Page

Sources on Environmental Ethics: Fish Habitat Improvement

Subject Bibliographies in Environmental Ethics

Salmon Bibliography

Journal Idea Bank

Salmon Pathfinder

Watershed Bibliography

A Good Bibliography of Children's Books about Conservation

Community-Based Environmental Education

Award-Winning Non-Fiction for Children

Social Action Literature for Children

Salmonpeople

Journey Recap, Part 4

July 9, 2003

After the visitor's center in Louisiana, we got back on Highway 20, headed towards Mindon, LA, and at Mindon, we headed upon 79 North again to Homer, LA, where we hopped onto 9 north, and drove through the beautiful Kisatchie National Forest, which borders LA and AR. At Junction City, AR, we got on 63 north, and didn't stop driving until we got to Moro Bay State Park, which was where we experienced a lovely little danger park, the swamp of the dying goats (and if anyone can tell me the name of the swamp creature that makes a sound like a dying goat, I would be forever in your debt), and the haunted ferry boat.

cy had OBVIOUSLY been in the park too long, as the minute I let him out of the car, he took off running:

The kids played at the playground for a little while, while I wrote this:

[...]we are currently enjoying a very shady playground, but the mosquitos are finding us quite tasty.

We're heading for Pine Bluff, where we will once again hit 79 and ride it all the way to at least Memphis. I might be doing some night traveling, but if I can get us to Memphis by dark, we'll be on the interstate.

I need to get a pair of pants for cy before he gets eaten.

When I got up to get some pants for c, I noticed he was missing a shoe.

"Where's c's other shoe, m."

"He threw it off there" m said, pointing to the very high top platform of the playground. m then added, nonchalantly, "He was about to jump off after it, but I saved his life."

That pretty much put an end to my journaling while the kids played outside. From that point on, my few journal entries were written in the safe confines of hotel rooms, or not written at all.

I realized at this stop how very freaked out I am by cy's tendency to run for the edges of things, full speed. And how I really am not equipped to allow him to do so without totally panicking. First, it was the very tall playscape, then he ran for the edge of this swamp:

And later, he made our visit to the haunted ferry an exercise in complete nerve jangling by continuing to attempt to run to any and all dangerous spots he could find:

We all thoroughly enjoyed Moro Bay State Park, and would love to visit again, perhaps for a camping trip, but I probably need to bring a leash for c. As it was, I concluded our stop there by finally giving in to my parenting paranoia and yelling "STOP!!!!!!" at the top of my lungs as c made a final dash for the edge of the swamp on the way back to the van. All of my reserves of patience had been used up on that damn ferry, and I knew it was time to get back in the van and drive.

By the way, there's an excellent echo down by the swamp, and I think I made the dying goats stop bleating.

Jonkonnu

July 8, 2003

When I go to the library to check out books, I employ a system of random selection that I fear most people would find extremely bizarre. But I'm totally thankful for it when, through it, I stumble upon books like this completely at random.

Jonkonnu is a children's picture book about Winslow Homer's visit to a southern town to paint pictures of freed slaves. The book describes the celebration of Independence day by white southerners, and the counter-celebration of Jonkonnu by the people who live "down the red clay road" who were not permitted to celebrate with the whites.

Winslow Homer, the yankee artist, comes to town and disturbs the townsfolk by painting pictures of black people in a manner that was normally reserved for paintings of whites. The book describes Homer as a man who is unconcerned with how others view him. A man who is intentionally humanitarian and is willing to risk his safety to portray the lives of freed slaves in a respectful way.

While I found this to be a wonderful story, and a great way to open up discussion with children about the scope of Independence day and our history as an exploitative nation, I was suspicious of this portrayal of Winslow Homer.

I did a little digging, and found that my skepticism was somewhat justified. Although Homer was certainly a man who was interested in a more honest depiction of African-American life, he was by no means a race revolutionary:

It is true that Homer went out of his way to paint African Americans with their families in the South, at work, serious, and with the kind of full facial characterizations that are not usually found within the radius of his psychological compass. It is evident in moving works such as Near Andersonville (1866), Sunday Morning in Virginia (1877), and Upland Cotton (1879-95). Even in The Gulf Stream, which grew out of his local knowledge of African-Caribbean culture, he emphasized the brooding face and passive strength of the black man, both signs of Homer's humanitarianism and his understanding of the long-suffering pathos of Africans in the New World. Yet, for all of his heartfelt sympathy, compassion, and moral engagement with African-American culture, Homer nonetheless believed in racial difference. In some early works, those he called his "darkey" pictures, such as Pay Day in the Army of the Potomac (1863), Our Jolly Cook (1863), Weaning the Calf (1875), and Hi! H-o-o-o! He Done Come. Jumboloro Tell You Fust, blacks perform and whites watch. In his late sea pictures of the 1880s and 1890s, Homer was not as overt, but nonetheless there are sharp differences between his conventions for black narratives and white narratives.

In spite of this fact, we really enjoyed this book. I couldn't have timed my discovery of it more perfectly. The illustrations are beautiful, and the premise is educational if not entirely accurate.

The author's note at the end does an excellent job of punctuating the story:

Homer, sensitive to the plight of htese freedmen and freedwomen, was moved to portray them in a manner equal to that used for any white subject of the time. Here at last was an artist who refused to depict the country's newest citizens as silly, demeaned caricatures.

In July 1976, as our nation prepared to celebrate its 100th Independence Day[...] Homer posed a young freedman and his family preparing to celebrate not the coming Fourth of July - which was for whites only - but Jonkonnu, a colorful old freedome holiday from slavery days. At Jonkonnu time, slaves could pretend they were free, singing and dancing on the plantation steps, shaking hands with the white master.

The young man stands thoughtful. The children clutching tiny American flags are solemn. Winslow Homer's message, masterly painted in Dressing for the Carnival is clear. It tells viewerswho care to look that freedom must never be a dream.

I found some more resources while doing a links search for this post:

Anti-Racism Books For Children - includes book lists and lesson plans on a variety of topics.

Jamaican Folklore - a brief summary of a variety of Jamaican folk tales and celebrations

In addition, as I was writing this post in my head, I happened to read what Jason and George had to say about Mr. Bush's recent foray into discussions of racial equality, and I wanted to find a clever way of tying that into this post somehow, but unfortunately, I cannot. So I'm just going to have to point you in their direction, and you can feel free to connect the dots.

July Blog Crushes

July 8, 2003

Aside from the aforementioned crushworthy commentors, the crush blogs for this month (truncated due to my own laziness) are:

Angela (but of course!)

Fire & Ice (because it's buried way down in the blogroll, and I never get around to visiting it.)

esperanza: where hope springs maternal (because jackie rocks, and what the world needs now is more mamas talking!)

I'm loving me some live journal mamas, like veggiemama. Whoever said livejournal was just a bunch of high school kids talking about boys is NOT invited to my friends list. hahahaha. OK, we talk about boys, too...

and that's it!

If you want to apply to be next month's crush, let me know. Otherwise, I think I might just run out and find my own crushworthy blogs.

July crush.

July 8, 2003

I haven't yet made the time to change out my crushes for this month, and it's nearly the middle of the month! Argh!

The thing is, two of the people I want to crush on do not really have blogs. I'm thinking that I need to add another category of crush for people who have contributed the best comments to the blog because I really rode on the coattails of susan and zagg last month. They kicked so much ass, and they deserve one of my super special mix cd's for sure.

So, I'm going to start including rewards for most consistently good commenters just because it's so excellent to frame an idea and perhaps lay the partial foundation, and then have someone like susan or zagg (and many of the other people who comment here, like suzanne, especially, but she's been busy and hasn't been commenting as much lately...but there are others who consistently leave really awesome comments that help me round out my thoughts on some topics) come along to really add some structure to what I'm trying to say...plus building some additions that I hadn't thought of yet.

I'll get to the blog crushes later, but susan and zagg are definitely the objects of my intense desire right now. hahahaha. OH, and it's almost susan's birthday, too...so everyone needs to wish her a happy one. And please use the comments of this post to tell both of them how great they are, in case their egos need a boost of any sort. And if there's a particular person who comments consistently who you want to appreciate, throw that in the comments, too. Let's make it a lovefest.

Journey Recap, Part Three

July 8, 2003

When it finally got just too hot to bear it anymore at that playground in Jacksonville, we got back in the car. At the end of every stop, we would have "foot races." Which basically meant I would tell the kids "Race you to that next tree!" and off we would go running from tree to tree. I started this up on a different road trip at first because it was the best way to peacefully get the kids back to the car, but it evolved into being a pretty good way to stretch out and get some exercise prior to a long drive.

I had this method where I would load the kids into the car, fill up the water bottles, and dole out appropriate snacks at the end of every stop. At the beginning of every stop, before I would take the kids out of the car, I would clean up any garbage I could find. I wouldn't say the van stayed CLEAN, exactly, but it did stay a lot cleaner with that plan in place than it would have without. Mostly the van is always a mess because cy likes to throw his food on the floor, so there are crumbs everywhere. I'm so glad the cockroaches haven't figured out that the van is way more of a feast than the house.

Anyway, we got back in the car and headed northeast again. I am pretty sure that c, at least, took a nap, so we were able to drive for quite some time, eventually crossing the state line with Louisiana, where we stopped at the visiter center to get our free maps and to mug for a picture with the pelican:

I really wish I could write more, but I'm one minute over my writing time, so the children are demanding things of me. More tomorrow.

AIM, chatting, and me.

July 8, 2003

For some reason lately, I seem to be getting a lot of AIM from people I've never heard of before, and all of my experiences with this have been pretty positive. I am such a communication junky, and I always love to hear from new people. So if you are interested in chatting, and you are hesitant to initiate a chat, don't be. I will NEVER EVER initiate a chat with you, because I'm a freak about these things, and rarely do I ever even start a chat with someone I enjoy chatting with on my "buddy list" because I'm terminally afraid of disturbing someone.

The best time to hit me up for chat is after 10:30 PM CST - the kids are asleep by then, and it's a good time to help me procrastinate doing housework. hahahaha.

Happy Birthday, George

July 7, 2003

Go wish him a good one! He sure is one awesome individual.

m and his endless questions

July 7, 2003

Not that I don't like answering all of these questions, but I get so so so so so so tired of explaining that fractions are relative to the size of the object your are dividing.

For instance, this morning I get this: "Mom, how big is 1/1,000,000th?"

And I said (for the five MILLIONTH time this week) "Well, that depends on the size of the object you are talking about. For instance, if it's the grand canyon, it might be kinda big, but if it's a pie that you are dividing into a million pieces...then it would be kind of small."

"What if it's a pie that's a million trillion billion miles big?"

Um, does anyone want to come over here and be a temp mommy for me. Because I think my brain just exploded.

Journey Recap, Part Two

July 7, 2003

So the groggy but excited children were the last things I loaded into the car. I was no longer groggy, but very excited. In fact, it seemed to be a theme of the trip that I would suffer from ridiculous lack of sleep and somehow get through the day unbowed.

We took off up I-35 on a grey day, observing the road ahead. c was wearing his hat in the back seat, and they both were well equipped with water and energy bars

And we drove and drove I-35 North to Round Rock, 79 north until we stopped in Jacksonville, 3 hours into our journey. I stopped to write this in my journal:

6/22/2004 approx 10:30 AM Jacksonville rec center playground, Jacksonville, TX

3 hours of road beneath the tires & I don't know how many more to go. We stop for a potty break on this no-highway highway, no rest stops so restaurant bathroom and an order of nachos to go

Not much to report on. Texas seems like an endless stretch & now the kids stretch their legs. We made it 3 hours nonstop no nap. Next stretch might have nap so maybe 4 baby.

Couple of crazy parents trying to force their kids down the slide. This park is not much to look at doesn't seem like a place a person would want to videotape. This ain't fucking Disneyland, dude, it's lead-based paint and ramshackle on the edge of a nowhere town and the metal merry-go-round in full sun is too hot to ride.

It's getting time to go. It's hot & I'm sweating just sitting.

(the kids at the above-mentioned park)

That's all for now. To be continued. I wish I had written in my journal more along the way *sigh*.

Wanted: host families for french exchange students

July 7, 2003

This is an excellent post from christopher allbritton about the anti-french bullshit and how it's affecting French exchange students.

The ensuing discussion in comments is also enlightening.

chaos abatement

July 7, 2003

I'm totally hearing what ms. redheaddread is saying in this post. I've been barely hanging on here since we came home from our trip. The kids are INSANE and I'm sure I'm not any more sane than they are. I thought I had it SO easy when m was a baby. I think I really did have a great deal of control. It's clear now that I have some definite problems with wanting to, as ms. dread says, maintain control over fostering independence.

Sometimes, as a parent, I start to feel like this shit should get EASIER...but it really does only get more difficult.

Tomorrow is a new day to try new things, I guess. hahaha

We Have Brains: Education

July 6, 2003

The most recent We Have Brains topic asked questions about what we/I would do if I was in charge of setting up my own educational program. How would I do things differently and what do I feel is important to learn for survival.

It's nearly impossible to answer these questions, given my opinions about institutions in general and learning institutions in particular. In my little utopia, schools would be absolutely unnecessary, and learning would occur naturally either independently, within self-selected learning communities, or through apprenticeships of some sort.

I strongly believe that almost all children have what it takes to learn what must be learned to survive in the world. In fact, I think that we spend a lot of time teaching children things that must be unlearned in order for them to lead happy, fulfilled lives. I think institutionalized education not only leads us away from these ideals, but it instills a sense of class consciousness/class competition that is difficult to deprogram.

I absolutely believe that universities further class division by being just out of reach enough to deter many who come from families of "lower" economic status. For many who have plenty of money, college is a given, and there is usually little financial effort involved in getting through school. Sure there are grants and scholarships that are offered to those in lower income levels, but how much struggle is involved to achieve the necessary accolades to be considered for those monetary benefits? And, once in school, those from lower income levels are also more likely to have to hold jobs while in school, making it more difficult to stay in school. (I'm totally talking out of my ass here, but I'm really assuming that if I did a minimal amount of research, I could find numerous studies to back this up).

On top of all of this, there is the stigma of being a non-college educated person in a world full of self-appointed experts. We live in a world where a person who goes to college and gets a degree in English Literature can end up being a banker, while a person who does not have a degree but runs her own business for several years can't get a shit job for anything, regardless of her very real qualifications. People are judged based on whether they have the financial resources (and, admittedly, to some degree the persistence) to complete however many years of college necessary to get a piece of paper that claims they are an "expert" in one field or another. Quite often, whatever career they choose has nothing at all to do with their field of study, and even if it does, there are many many ways to obtain the level of knowledge that one can obtain in an institutional setting.

I can't tell you how very tired I am of hearing non-degreed people being spoken of as if they are somehow less knowledgeable than degreed people. I hear this in my professional life all of the time, as we are seemingly supposed to encourage youth to pursue a college education so they won't end up jobless losers, or, worse, custodians and carpenters like their parents. Never have I heard acknowledgement of the fact that it's not feasible for every single high school student to even go to college. Never is it acknowledged that, perhaps, our insistence on college degrees for work that can be handled equally well by self-taught learners is a perpetuation of the system of privilege that so many give lip service to eliminating.

I've often considered why I never went to college. I know what my reasons were initially, but I realize, too, that I was privileged to make a choice as to whether or not to go. And I wonder if perhaps one of the ways I can take advantage of that privilege to advance the greater good is to advocate for the recognition of the validity of self-education. Starting with the very young, and going all the way up past the college years. We are all learning all the time, and many of us do just fine without someone telling us how and what to learn.

So, if it was up to me to design an educational system, I would first, you know, instigate absolute and complete revolution and abolish the class system. Then I would ensure every child had a loving home in which he or she was able to learn at his or her leisure whatever he or she desired to learn, and then I would provide free access to whatever toosl were necessary for all of us to learn independently and from each other.

Barring that, in this lifetime, once my kids are past the needy stage, I would like to do what I can to enable parents in low-income homes the opportunity to keep their children OUT of schools. Perhaps by providing free or low-cost childcare, perhaps by building a free or low-cost learning community, or even just by educating people that any caring parent is capable of helping his or her child get exactly the education that he or she needs. All we have to do is listen, and follow the lead of the child.

New on Fullbleed dot net

July 6, 2003

Hey everyone...

Go welcome Zeebah to the full bleed crew! Yay, Zeebs!!!

Once a week cooking

July 6, 2003

I've always wanted to do Once a Month Cooking, but I was always intimidated by the idea. It never occurred to me that I could do once a WEEK cooking and get similar results. Until today...

I just finished mixing up some of Pea's Marinade and throwing some frozen, defrosted, and pressed tofu in the fridge to marinate, then I mixed up a batch of my handsful pesto and chunky chickpea guacamole, and I'm about to throw a bunch of black beans in the crockpot so I can make some of Zeebah's black beans. I'd love to stew up a pot of lentil soup to round things out, but I think I've already got enough to get us through the week, if we throw in some fresh and frozen veggies along the way. How very exciting!

Going to Church

July 6, 2003

So, I vowed that after the trip I would start going to church every week. The UU church here is cool, and I'm pretty excited about the prospect of having a place to go every week where I will here potentially interesting and thoughtful ideas communicated. I'm also looking forward to giving the kids more structured community time, and I think learning about the many facets of various religions will benefit them throughout life.

But, there's a huge obstacle in my way: joining. I've read the website, and I'm supposed to sign some sort of membership statement and indicate how much money I'm going to give every month. I don't have much to give. I'm supposed to indicate what percentage of my gross income I want to contribute, and I can't even contribute an entire percentage point. And I really don't want to sit down in front of someone and explain this to them. I know I don't want to be involved in a church that won't allow me to be involved if I can't "afford" it, and I'm fairly certain that no one's going to give me any shit for not having any money, but it just seems like such a...committment, I guess...and I have an ooky feeling about pledging myself like that.

I wonder if there's a way I can have a trial period before I even sign the membership card. I guess I'll have to ask. I don't like joining things. I never have. Perhaps I'll just go alone a couple of times and figure out what the vibe is there before I even bring the kids.

I dunno...I'm just sort of thinking out loud on the keyboard. The kids are driving me insane today, and I really truly need to get out of here before I become even more bitchy than I already am. I have not had 5 full uninterrupted minutes since we woke up at 8 this morning, and I'm about to lock myself in the bathroom to get away from all of the talking and demanding and poking and prodding and climbing on.

arrrrrrgh!!!!

The Webguerilla Netifesto

July 6, 2003

You have to go read this post at Webguerillas.org. It's a new site I discovered last night, and I think it's going to rock.

Journey Recap, Part One

July 6, 2003

I figure I'll recap the journey bit by bit during my morning writing time. I only have about 10 minutes this morning, so I'll have to add the pictures in later. I'm not sure if I can remember everything. I started keeping journals at stops, but that ended after like the second day, when the kids started to really need me to touch and play with them every time we stopped. It's kind of amazing how dynamics change throughout the trip, and I have to be careful that my tendency to adhere to rigid structure doesn't interfere with what everyone needs. I think many of my little mood explosions the kids had to suffer through were a direct result of my resistance to "go with the flow." However, I feel like I did "go with the flow" quite a bit anyway...I just need to work on not grumbling so much while doing so. I've learned a ton on this trip - mostly stuff about myself, as a person and as a parent - and I'm hoping to talk about those things I've learned throughout these recollections.

Anyway, Day One began on a greyish Sunday morning. I woke up around 5 AM after having slept fitfully since 1 AM. I have this thing where, if I'm due to wake up early in the morning, my body wakes me up every hour or so. Long enough to look at the clock, acknowledge that I'm not "sleeping in" and go back to sleep. It's kind of an amazing feature about my body that I had never been really consciously aware of before this journey, but it happened several times, first on this eve of the trip, second during the conference when I had to wake up "early" (read: before my little alarm clocks with feet could wake me), and third on the eve of the return trip. It's pretty neat, but it can be somewhat bothersome when there's a perfectly functioning alarm clock in the vicinity, poised to wake me up anyway sans the reslessness.

So, I got out of bed around 5 AM and started packing everything up. The night before, I had run out to get ice for the cooler and the water tank. Whenever I take a road trip, I keep a big cooler in the back of the van and a big water tank. This trip we used about 2 gallons of water there and back. I filled the water bottles at every stop, so we always had cool, fresh water to drink without having to stop at convenience stores and buying it. I also stocked the cooler with plenty of soy milk for c and juice boxes for m. The juice was one of many special treats, as we don't really drink a lot of juice at home.

So I packed the car up with those last minute things that i didn't want to leave in the car overnight (I had packed the suitcases and other non-valuable items prior to going to bed. So, in the morning, in went my computer, my backpack, and the coveted MP3 player and all of the disks I had diligently burned throughout the month.

Then I set to the task of waking the children.

I had made it a point to be vague about our exact day of departure with m, hoping to eliminate the overexcitement that occurs when he's anticipating something BIG. I told him we were going to leave on Monday, so when I woke him up early Sunday morning, I felt the slightest bit guilty for having been deceptive, but I HAD told him that I was going to surprise him with the actual date of departure. He wasn't angry with me...because he was far to excited that we would be leaving. He practically ran out of the house to the car. cy was easy to wake, as well, sensing m's excitement.

I was apprehensive about how well c would take to traveling, as our last long trip to Portland OR and back had been really rough on him...

(that's all I can write for now. I have to go make breakfast and start the day. I'll be back later with more.)

Quite honestly, I have no idea what to say to this.

July 5, 2003

I took m to the fireworks show tonight. It was his first time, because I really don't think to celebrate "independence" day and because he used to be so scared of loud noises that it wouldn't have been a very fun thing for him.

But he's over the loud noises thing, and he's got this whole "proud to be an American" thing going, so I figured I should humor him.

The thing about m's pride in America is that he gets it from playing a computer game about war. So he's all into military might. Which is presumably why, in the middle of the fireworks, he shouted out "When are we going to see them blow up an aircraft, mom?"

"um, we're not."

"Awww...I never get to see exploding aircrafts!"

*sigh*

I think I said something like "You know...if an aircraft were to explode, people would die, and the idea of that doesn't exactly thrill me."

I thought about talking about how fireworks really in and of themselves are symbolic of violent warfare, which is probably why I don't like to watch the spectacle because while I'm feeling compelled to ooh and ah over the pretty lights, most of my brain is telling me that I'm basically just seeing a beautified version of what just rained down upon Iraq, and it's doubtful people were all that thrilled to experience it. But I didn't say any of that, because I get the feeling that anything I say to refute him only adds fuel to his fervor and makes him want to egg me on even more.

So I just kind of dropped it, and let him go on imagining that the helicopter circling the event might possibly end up in the line of fire and go down in a burst of flame.

Home Sweet Home

July 4, 2003

We made it in last night around midnight. Usually, when i get home to Austin, I'm overwhelmed by the heat and humidity and I feel like getting back into the car and driving to, say, ALASKA or something. However, the weather has been mild since we arrived. It's only 76 degrees outside right now.

It feels REALLY GOOD to be home, but I'm incredibly sleepy. m and I are going to venture out to the 4th of July celebration to see some fireworks this evening. c is staying home with papa. I think m is in desperate need for some alone time with a human adult. He tends to get ignored in times of c crisis, and I realized deep into our journey that it had been days and days since I hugged and/or kissed him, and that made me feel sad.

So, tonight it's all about m, even though there's a 60 percent chance that we'll get rained out. Drenched, even. I'm gonna have to take that risk so my little patriot boy can see his explosions in the sky.

I'm going to try to gather my thoughts about the journey and write a monster post when I have the energy. But I just can't summon it right now. I kept sitting down in front of the computer at various points during the trip, hoping that something interesting would come to me, but it just didn't. I feel like audblogging all of my stories...or, better yet, I feel like gathering all of you in a room and gesticulating madly while giving you a point by point replay of all of our traveling travails.

But I need to write it down. For any of several reasons. And so I will attempt to do so, in pieces...as I can.

Thanks to my guest bloggers, who are free to continue blogging if they desire while I gather my thoughts and strength. And I was so happy to see Suzanne among the comments. Welcome back, hon...you were missed!

Thanks also, of course, to the lovely folks I leaned on along the way: Tracy & family, The family Pear, The family Adam, Lorraine, and Sol, and, um, those two kids at the hotel swimming pool who played with my children, who were dying to talk to someone other than me at that point.

Thanks to those who contributed to the trip fund. I didn't need the AAA, thank maude, but it was nice to know I could call for help if necessary.

Thanks to those who hung out with us, and to those we missed (I'll catch you next time, Bellis - we'll be up there some autumn on our way to portland ME)

And on this auspicious occasion, I wish for true independence for all people struggling everywhere for freedom and autonomy.

audblog audio post

July 3, 2003

audblog audio post

audblog audio post

July 3, 2003

audblog audio post

bigfatmama's house

July 2, 2003

i've had a heartache feeling all day. last night i was cleaning out my oldest email address and i have some emails from when gary was in thailand. i deleted a lot of them a long time ago, which i regret, i moved them to a file, i thought i moved them to a file marked mbd (my baby's daddy if you don't recognize it) and they are gone. so there was this one and i was cleaning and i finally clicked on it. and i was there. full of fury. hurt. tears in my eyes. jaw tight. i dreamed of blood every night. it was hard. not taking care of leroy, although gary was a great parent before he left, always hanging out with leroy, i went for two weeks once without doing diapers and we had cloth, i washed them every other day. so he was loving and useful. and then he was gone and he said he'd come back and he never did. now, long story short, he is married with a new baby and stepson and a nice ex-single mama for a wife. and he lives about 7 hours away by car and sees leroy once a month. which i think is great. i'm glad we don't live in the same town. what was hard was being that angry and feeling that betrayed and hurt.

it made me think about time. the letter was a decent response to an email i sent him. he called his mom and heard i was selling his car. i didn't want to sell it, i still haven't had a car as good, but i thought he'd be coming back soon and he'd have a car and i wouldn't have a car. and i needed a car. so i sold it for a song and bought a car. i heard from his mom that he was distressed i was selling his car. he had been gone six months. said he'd be gone two or three. told me he didn't know when he was coming back. it was a survival move and i'm not sorry i did it. but i was so mad when i heard that he was upset. HE is upset? oh lord! i'll show you upset! so i wrote him and he wrote me back that i should sell the car and he hoped we were well and thought about us all the time and he'd be gone for another five months or so.

i ended up blocking his email. which really made him mad i found out when i saw him again, 14 months after he left. but i was trying to move on and i didn't want to see the random how are you? or my favorite HAPPY BIRTHDAY in my mailbox.

oh. time. leroy will be four on the 19th. four years. this is the season for reminiscing. i feel like now i am someone different. i have made big changes. i have grown. but it was as if it was the date of the email. i was there. in a different city, different clothes, same hurt, same anger.

it has occurred to me that i would benefit from therapy. someday. it's on my list for when i'm grown up. buy a house. send leroy to space camp. go to therapy once a week and not just when i'm in a crisis.

is it nostalgia when you feel like you are experiencing the moment again? am i just good at recall? today i was doing the dishes and thinking of my future self. how will i add this up? i think i will remember this time affectionately. wistfully. leroy is so funny and i am being challenged by school consistently, it's hard sometimes and i like it hard. i've done comfortable. i want to stretch and i've been through enough not to be afraid of discomfort. it passes.

i dreamed two dreams of gary last night. well, they were my dreams. they were about me. i posted them on my livejournal. i like to write down my dreams. what i really like is reading them years later. they are entertaining then. full of celebrities and bizarre shit like an old issue of people magazine.

audblog audio post

July 1, 2003

audblog audio post

zagg warfare

July 1, 2003

After reading this discussion I thought now would be a good time to abuse my guest dru privileges.

I find it astounding that there is such a clamor against any Democrats about "waging class warfare" when there's the tiniest questioning of tax cuts or talk of extending welfare benefits (hardly radical demands I might add). The Dem will immediately show contrition, tone down the "fiery" rhetoric and painfully explain why class division shouldn't be sowed. Somehow hinting at any sort of rift between the rich and poor in this country is something we're supposed to be ashamed of and avoid. We don't want to be soiled by being dragged into a debate about class. And yet this in turn insulates the Right itself from being accused of waging actual class warfare when they do dole out massive tax cuts that only benefit the wealthy while shredding every last program that might benefit us.

"Just to underline the point, the version of Bush's tax cut that became law did away with a $400 child tax credit for 6.5 million low-income families. Republican leaders in Congress said they couldn't "afford" the $3.5 billion to pay for this. But they did manage to find enough for the "Hummer deduction"--which allows business owners to deduct up to $100,000 for the cost of a vehicle, as long as it weighs at least 6,000 pounds," according to Socialist Worker.

I linked to this NY Times article over at randomWalks. The upshot of the piece is that the " 400 wealthiest taxpayers accounted for more than 1 percent of all the income in the United States in the year 2000, more than double their share just eight years earlier."

It's exhibit # 343,862 in how the disparity between the rich and poor in the U.S. has been accelerating at an astounding rate without much notice being paid at all. You've got a microscopic elite at the top with who wealth is accumulating while being siphoned away from millions of others. Simultaneously you've got the same people grabbing Iraq's oil, pumping it, selling it and using the proceeds to line their pockets and to pay other U.S. corporations to rebuild Iraq. Iraq's wealth is being stolen from them to benefit the rich here, just as they are getting tax breaks, laying us off and otherwise continuing to thrive.

Also over at rW, we were talking about Orwell. He wrote something I find fairly apt in describing the phenomenon people identified of the blame being placed on the poor for being poor. This is from his "The Road to Wigan Pier."

"When I first saw unemployed men at close quarters, the thing that horrified and amazed me was to find that many of them were ashamed of being unemployed. I was very ignorant, but not so ignorant as to imagine that when the loss of foreign markets pushes two million men out of work, those two million are any more to blame than the people who draw blanks in the Calcutta Sweep. But at that time nobody cared to admit that unemployment was inevitable, because this meant admitting that it would probably continue."

I guess my point is that not only is there classism, but there's class.

Also, I love this sentiment as expressed by Nurse Ratched:

"Our society will not function properly without people to deliver the water, drive the taxis, staff the hotels, sell the retail products, cook the food, stock the stores, patch the potholes, etc., and there are very few instances in which any one of those people ought to be required to have more than secondary education, and every one of them ought to be respected for getting up and going to their jobs and putting in the time and effort to contribute."

The one thing I would add is that it's not just that workers should be respected, but that the relationship you've identified represents actual power. Workers collectively withholding labor is the most powerful tool we've got in fighting for a better society.

In this country it's how we've won the right to unionize, the 8-hour workday, social security, Medicare, Medicaid and welfare. In Europe such actions brought about universal health care. Even now, in France, strike waves of 100,000s have gone out to fight to retain pension benefits.

And when these actions move from strictly economic to political, even greater reforms can be won. In Argentina 18 months ago, the major labor federations launched a series of general strikes that brought down five presidencies in a matter of weeks. And in South Africa, the federation of trade unions was vital in bringing down the government and ending Apartheid.

Of course that's one reason the U.S. is so vexing today. The labor movement is not fighting at all, which is part of why Bush has been able to get away with so many of his cuts.

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