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« June 2003 | Main | August 2003 »
Rall Rails.
July 31, 2003
I thought this essay by Ted Rall pretty much nailed it.
Paul Wolfowitz was certain the Iraqi people, eager for liberation, would throw roses at our troops. Cakewalk city, promised Cheney. Major combat is over, Bush announced at his thumbs-up aircraft carrier photo op. We'll only need to stay a few months, swore Tommy Franks. We know exactly where the WMDs are, insisted Rumsfeld. We've found the WMDs, said Bush. Well, we will find them, they all say, though not often anymore. Every single thing they tell us turns out to be dead wrong.
Now they say things are getting better. Read the paper. Watch the tube. E-mail a soldier stationed in Iraq. Does the occupation of Iraq seem like it's getting better to you?
link courtesy of this site which is going on the really fucking long blogroll.
I needed a day like today
July 31, 2003
It's been absolutely harmonious today. I blame it on the lavender. I took the time to clean my bedroom and make the bed, which is something I have been unable to do, because by the time I think about it, someone's sleeping in there.
When I make my bed, I usually douse all of the linens and covers and pillows with a healthy dose of lavender, and the children just love it. As soon as I finished, Monk was almost magnetically drawn to the room. I found him in there silently luxuriating in the freshy made bed. I think lavender really does have a calming effect on my children. And perhaps there's the caring that goes into making up the bed that transmits feelings of love and harmony from me to them.
At any rate, Monk, who had been complaining all day of "being in a bad mood" was almost instantly satisfied, and things started to just click around here. I made lunch, monk played by himself, I did some reading, cole played by himself, I hung out laundry, we all played together, we had a snack, did some dancing...
and we just hung out. It's been so nice. I have music playing. My music. And no one is going to walk in and turn it off without asking. I've been able to clean up the kitchen...and the kids have been content with entertaining themselves...and no one is wandering in and trying to tell me that I need to "do something."
I am doing nothing, and that means everything. I held Monk, I lay in the bed with cole and snuggled, I typed a book report that Monk dictated to me, I read from our book of Buddhist tales to Cole, and another story, as well. And it has all flowed so naturally.
I need to remember, as I fill my days with activities to keep the kids in touch with other kids, to set aside days like today to be in harmony in the home. To dance through the house listening to punk rock and hip hop, singing, dancing, cleaning, hugging, kissing booboos, laughing, listening to jokes...
and just being happy.
Iraq/Korea Counterspun
July 31, 2003
[link via r@d@r]
As part of my newfound ability to prioritize...
July 31, 2003
I have to say that I have absolutely no time to give a project like this my full attention. I can barely even foresee having the time to carefully read the post that describes it.
However, it appears to be an interesting idea, and I thought I'd pass on the link.
Friendster
July 31, 2003
Yeah, everyone is doing it. I've been having a hard time logging in lately, but if anyone is interested in hooking up with my vast network of cool friends, you can friend me if you know my real name. Look me up: myrealname@mindspring.com.
Well, it's actually a nickname of my REAL name, but it's the one most commonly used by people who actually know me.
Is that vague and mysterious enough? You all do realize that Dru Blood is a fictional character, right? Any resemblence to any living being, real or imagined, is strictly coincidental...and all that stuff.
Is anyone else confused? I better get back to cleaning.
Why Homeschoolers Shouldn't Want Homeschool Legislation
July 31, 2003
(In case you were wondering)
- Legislators, left to their own devices, will understandably represent the mainstream majority rather than the homeschooling minority. Unless we educate them, most people assume that children need to attend a conventional school to learn basic skills and become socialized. Since the government oversees and regulates public schools, many people assume it should regulate homeschools in the same way. They also assume that homeschoolers want legislation that gives us benefits like tax credits or that supposedly guarantees that we can participate in public school courses or programs.
- Legislation is very difficult to direct and control. Anytime legislation is introduced that includes homeschooling provisions (even if it is not a homeschooling bill as such), an amendment could easily be added that would increase state regulation of homeschools. It's not a question of what we could gain if legislation were introduced to give us tax credits or some other benefit. It's a question of what we could lose through the legislative process.
- Once legislation is passed, government agencies write regulations that have the force of law even though they are not written by a representative body. Again, minority groups run the risk that regulations will reflect mainstream values rather than their own and turn the law against them.
Here's a rough sketch of the entire article.
Wait. I thought it was called pragmatism.
July 31, 2003
Saddam Hussein was a threat. The United Nations viewed him as a threat. That's why they passed 12 resolutions. Predecessors of mine viewed him as a threat. We gathered a lot of intelligence. That intelligence was good, sound intelligence on which I made a decision.And in order to placate the critics and the cynics about intentions of the United States, we need to produce evidence. And I fully understand that.
So now we only have to produce evidence to placate "critics and cynics"? Really? Because here I've been thinking all these years that it was PRAGMATIC to require evidence before believing our government. In fact...all this time I've been thinking that, as our REPRESENTATIVES, they are REQUIRED to provide evidence to us! How silly of me!
Oh, sorry...he's talking about the court of public opinion where the reward is given to the biggest BULLshitter.
I didn't even GET to the part where he starts talking about gay marriage. I think Zeebah handled that nicely, though.
A Day
July 30, 2003
It has been a day. Kind of hectic at first, then we mellowed out around midday and it was a coast from there. We had homeschool co-op from around 1 to 3, and the kids had a blast, and then I brought them home and immediately left for work.
I got my "peer review" or performance appraisal today. Let me tell you something, I have been scarred for life by my experience working at Kinko's. It's odd, because I always scored really well on my p.a's - except in the area of dress. Can you believe I spent 10 long years with a company having to hear every year that I did not dress professionally enough. That my hair was too messy. That I didn't have good personal hygeine because I didn't shave my legs. And the anonymous survey was used in an extremely hostile and abusive way. I would just get reamed by the managers for the dumbest shit.
Now, it's a total breeze, but I still get all panicked about it. So I was pleasantly surprised and relieved to be able to sit and chat about my performance...about what I needed to improve and what I was doing well. For all of the shit I have given uber boss in this space, she has really impressed me in the past year or so. She handled her rocky start with us so well, when we were hugely unfair to her (with good reason at the time, although looking back I think we could have given her a bit more time before we totally hazed her). And she has really put forth an effort to recognize the strengths of each of us in a fair and unbiased way. She freaks out a little bit too much (which is why I thought it was funny that she picked on that tendency in me - I wasn't sure if she recognized the irony of that. She does seem to focus on how alike we are a lot, and I'm not sure if that's a tactic to make me feel more at ease about receiving feedback, of if she really does identify with me, and therefore maybe reads too much of herself into me) and she's neurotic about some strange things. But she is entirely bearable.
Hey...guess what? I am not "rhetorically savvy." Hahahaha. Who'da thunk it?
Anyway, we finished up our chat and I cruised on down to Chuy's for a meal with my other boss and my colleague.
Can I say something? I'm sick to fucking death of the Atkin's diet. Why is it that everyone on this diet feels a need to proselytize to anyone who will listen? Seriously, I am not impressed by people who find it necessary to screw up their metabolism by eliminating a vital nutrient from their diet, and no I do not want to hear about how much weight you have lost. I mean, I totally get CUTTING DOWN on carbs. I think that's probably safe, healthy, and I can even see where it can make you feel better, particularly if your body type doesn't deal well with carbohydrates. But COMPLETELY ELIMINATING carbohydrates from your body is a BAD idea, not to mention how bad it is to overconsume protein.
This is what I want to scream to my co-worker, who is certain to slip something about her fabulous diet into whatever conversation we may be having. It's like, I feel for you, mama. I know what it's like to be fat and to hate your body. But the answer is to just start loving your body rather than attempting to systematically destroy it. Loving your body is the best way to keep it healthy. If, in loving your body, you become aware that certain food items make your body unhappy, by all means, steer clear...but come on, now...be reasonable.
The American Institute for Cancer Research has also evaluated the Atkins' diet and their assessment is quite alarming. They say that the high-protein, high-fat, low-carbohydrate Atkins diet tends to promote the loss of water weight, and that if such an imbalanced diet is maintained, the body soon reverts to the fasting state of ketosis, in which the body begins to break down muscle tissue instead of fat over the long term.Ketosis is one of the body's last-ditch emergency responses; deliberately inducing ketosis can lead to muscle breakdown, nausea, dehydration, headaches, light-headedness, irritability, bad breath, and kidney problems. In pregnancy, ketosis may cause fetal abnormality or death. It can also be fatal in individuals with diabetes! While supporters of the Atkins diet concentrate so much on the fat burning capability of ketosis they neglect to mention that over the long term protein, and thus muscle, is also burned!
Sigh.
And while I'm bitching, is it IMPOSSIBLE to find research on diets which doesn't make it sound like fat people are scum of the earth and the ONLY people who are dieting? I didn't even want to link any of those links, because all of them got around to saying something fatphobic.
Anyway, apologies to anyone who is on the Atkins diet, but I watched an entire group of women in the office where I used to work totally spend a year getting all thin on the Atkins diet and then slowly balloon right back up and then some, feeling even shittier for having fucked their chemicals the shit up. This mama says don't fucking do it. Ride a bike, walk around the block, grow a garden, sit in a chair, meditate, swim laps, and take time to really listen to what your body is telling you. I pretty much guarantee it's not telling you that it never ever EVER wants to eat pasta or good bread ever again.
I think I'm overstating my point, but I guess that's my way.
At any rate, after dinner I didn't really have time to go back to work. I dropped in on a friend for a few minutes on the way home and hung out talking about stuff. We're going through the same changes, so it's helpful to hear where she is.
One thing I've realized just recently is that I am allowed, in fact, to say no. I'm pretty pleased with this discovery. I'm talking about my tendency to overfill my plate and accept pretty much anything that comes my way. I can say no...and I can say "cool it" and I can say "maybe later" and I can say "right fucking now!" And it's all my choice. I know that sounds like common sense to normal people, but it should be pretty evident by now that I am not normal.
Which—it's not that accepting anything that comes my way has not served me well. I'm pleased with what I've reaped in my lifetime, and I have very few regrets. At the same time, I think it's time for me to just be really damn picky about how I spend my energy for once in my life. That's all. Sounds pretty simple, doesn't it?
Well, doesn't it?
Anyway, yeah. My visit was way too brief, but I was pleased to come home to squealing happy children. I so appreciate what I have here. I do. I appreciate all of it...even the bad things. And, you know, I read the story about mindfulness from our book of Buddhist tales and, while the idea of being ever wakeful and on guard sounds like sage advice to me, I can tell that I'm really going to enjoy finding a way to be mindful in a more relaxed state. Awareness does not have come from being on edge. Awareness comes from relaxing yourself to a state of open acceptance, and being receptive to what comes.
I'm ready to be receptive, and I'm ready to allow myself to choose how to spend my energy.
In case you haven't noticed...
July 30, 2003
Monk has been writing book reviews again. Over on the sidebar are links to his reviews of Yo Aesop! and Night of the Living Dummy. They're pretty funny, too.
The Onion vs. RIAA
July 30, 2003
I love this infographic about "how music fans are responding to the music industry's lawsuits"
Not to get overly serious about it, but my favorite was "holding music in a Swiss download account." I mean, really! Stealing is yet another thing that rich people have the privilege of doing and poor people...do not. At least not without seriously risking getting caught.
link via boing boing
Oh, and Chris has some interesting links about this issue here and here.
Vote Conservative in 2004
July 30, 2003
This GNN article posits that sometimes you just have to let the lunatics run their own asylum:
It's a good thing the Republicans were totally in charge when all this actually happened. If it had been Mr. Clinton, we'd have never heard the end of it. Can you imagine the bleating on neo-fascist Talk Radio across the land? Can you see Rush Limbaugh's head explode? Ann Coulter would go postal. Can you hear the calls for impeachment? Fox News would brand it treason, with good purpose. Matt Drudge would be up all night dishing online dirt about the idiot Democrats who'd foolishly allowed 9/11 to happen, covered it up, and then created Saigon on the Tigress. Bill O'Reilly would have kittens, and cable news ratings would go through the roof.
Actually, few folks seem upset. Can you really imagine the American people are so stupid they'd buy all this without question? The Republicans are banking on it.
The regents behind 'King George the 43rd' realize that voter apathy and ignorance have become increasingly critical to their neo-conservative re-election game plan. A majority of Americans polled even mistakenly think that Saddam Hussein was behind the 9/11 attacks. The Bush folks must figure that as national policy, stupidity works. That includes the man currently serving as President.
It's not just that the Emperor Bush has no clothes, he has no clue...
I also like this portion:
Rising to Mr. Bush's defense is Ed Gillespie, the new GOP chairman who reportedly told the 165-member Republican National Committee that the Democrats are feeding Americans "a steady diet of protest and pessimism" in absence of real solutions to the economy and Iraq, according to Reuters. If you're the parents of a U.S. soldier who was killed in Iraq or one of the over 3,000,000 people who've lost their jobs in the 919 days of the Bush reign, perhaps you are getting a little pessimistic.
Unfortunately, I don't share the author's optimism that virtuous candidates can be found to defeat the monster currently being created. I think we need to take it back using other measures.
Oh, shit...it's already one of THOSE mornings.
July 30, 2003
Immediately upon waking, C began foraging in the refrigerator, demanding various food items only to turn his nose up at them when I actually tried to give them to him. He has had 5 crying jags and 2 temper tantrums in the 45 minutes we've been awake thus far.
M has been running through the house full speed, yelling...as well as trying very hard to get C to throw more temper tantrums. Now he's jumping off of a chair onto the hardwood floor, banging his feet down as hard as he can for the loudest noise possible. He's shaking the house.
I thought I was going to be skipping co-op today because I have my "peer review" at work this afternoon but it looks like I will be calling my boss to beg her to move that time back half an hour so I can get these guys out of the house for a little while this afternoon. I can't freaking take this all day long, that's for sure.
US Taking Hostages in Iraq
July 29, 2003
This post at Eschaton is chilling...be sure to read the comments.
Link via Where We're Bound
Better Yet, Grow Yr Own...
July 29, 2003
This article talks about how the word "organic" (much like the term "simple living") is being redefined to refer to a standard that is directly opposed to its originally intended meaning.
This is something I need to really consider as I am currently attempting to really define what my goals are. I mean, I'm sitting down with a pencil in hand these days and really trying to map out a rough sketch of what I want to do with my future. In this society, it seems like so much of our plans must include prioritizing how to spend our money. I need to really take a hard look at how I am currently spending my money, as I know I am spending too much on things that are not beneficial to myself, and in fact, some of my money is spent on things that are detrimental to the earth and the people who live here. I need to take a closer look at my relationship with the food that I eat, and build one that's closer to the source.
Oh, by the way, Chris says this much better here.
I can feel it brewing...
July 29, 2003
I know at some point in the near future, I'm going to write a super long post about my state of mind and all that is happening. I feel like in spite of the turbulence of my current situation, there are good things that will come from this break up. I'm feeling like I need to be quit fucking freaking out and getting angry and/or frustrated. Things are the way they are, and both of us at least are working towards the goal of separation now. It's just a matter of time.
I'm feeling like I need to touch and hold on to those positive memories rather than clinging to the negativity that has permeated our relationship. I don't think it's serving me well to think about all of the crap. I'm trying to reach back and remember good stuff. Stuff I've grown from. Stuff I've learned. Stuff I have loved about being in a relationship with L. Stuff I will need to keep in mind as I watch our children grow and cultivate independent relationships with each of us. I don't want to just pay lip service about their father to the kids. I want to truly believe that L is a good person who is actively interested in the well-being of his children...and I do for the most part. But there is so much that is clouded by resentment of being in this situation for so long.
At the same time, I'm really growing impatient with cohabitation. Now that we are resolved, I am wanting to move forward with the process of splitting up. I'm no longer even particularly interested in the legal process. I've done my research, it's clear that it is going to take a really long time to finalize everything. I'm OK with taking care of the legalities gradually, but I would really like to get started with this whole new phase of my life.
I find myself getting picky and bitchy about stupid little pesky things, and that's not going to help my ultimate goal of achieving some sort of harmony with L. Today, for instance, I started feeling annoyed about the fact that I couldn't find the tupperware containers that I had intended to keep stocked with snacky things so I could just grab them and go when the kids and I have outings. I also find myself getting inordinately annoyed when my water cup gets moved...or when clean dishtowels make their way into the hamper.
Stupid stuff. Stuff I'm really not going to hold against anyone. But clear indication that I really need my own space. Not that the kids won't move my cup or lose containers...but that, to me, is somehow less ire-raising. The kids are an extension of me and, much as it makes me sad to say it, L is not...not any longer. I don't even know if he ever was.
So, yeah. At some point I'm going to write a long post about all of this. Only I think I just did.
I want to know what comes next. I'm ready to get on with my life. I'm ready to move forward.
It's almost that time again...
July 29, 2003
August is almost upon us, and it's almost time for the National Nurse Out, sponsored by ProMom. I can't believe no one has organized a nurse out in Austin yet. I'm going to have to get my lactivist mamas on that task right away.
Last year, C was too interested in laying down on the floor and playing with his friend P to be interested in nursing at all. I doubt he will want to nurse this year, either...but I'm going to go anyway to lend moral support to the other mamas.
Meanwhile, Veggiemama linked up this awesome pro-breasfeeding Baby Blues strip.
Quick, someone think of a clever nickname...
July 29, 2003
for our heroic texas state senators:
Eleven of the Texas Senate's 12 Democrats left the Statehouse late Monday, much like some of the Texas House Democrats did in the regular session in May. Instead of Ardmore, Okla., the senators headed west to chose Albuquerque.
I know! I know! What about the Kick "S"'s?
Q: What do the Democrats face once they return?A: When they do come back, either redistricting will be off the table or they won't come back. They thing to remember is that the Democratic Senators come from districts that are so Democratic there is no punishment. They're going to be treated as heroes ...I think the generally public is tired of the whole argument back and forth. And, of course, the Republican activists will criticize them as being AWOL...
Q: Each special session costs close to $2 million, what's this doing to the people of Texas, the tax payers?
A: The one thing people seem to be pecking on is the cost of this particular theater that's going on right now... People are aware of the budget cuts that took place and even though $2 million is kind of chump change when you're talking about state politics, it's the thing that people are connecting with ...if anybody gets damaged on this ...ultimately ...it's going to be Gov. Perry.
Q: How does this play, nationally?
A: Not like the Ardmore walkout. First of all, this was expected. Second, it was in a special session devoted to redistricting. So, there's not a whole legislative package on the table that's in jeopardy.
In other news, Democratic house members have also flown the coop.
Journey Recap Part 8
July 29, 2003
When last I wrote about the journey, we were leaving Memphis and heading towards nashville to visit with Tracy. I had intended to get to Nashville in early afternoon, but I just was not doing a very good job of accurately predicting these things. Which was OK with me, but caused me to feel a bit self-conscious when relying on the kindness, hospitality, and patience of other people.
So I found myself about 2 hours away from Nashville with a desperate need to stop. So we stopped at the Natchez Trace State Park. It was a truly gorgeous place, and we managed to get a bit of hiking in before we had an impromptu picnic next to the van. Actually, I think I strapped the kids in and fed them chunky chickpea guacamole sandwiches or hummus sandwiches. No, I remember...I fed them hummus, but then it seemed like the hummus had gone bad, so we threw them away and I made peanut butter sandwiches for them with our quickly molding whole wheat tortillas. Then we went into the park hq building and c ran around and around in circles while M went poo. Then M ran around and around in circles for a bit and we hit the road.
Tracy was kind enough to give me directions when I hit town, and we made it to the park with the reproduction of the Parthenon in it (I can't remember the name of the park - centenial? is that right?) I was so fucking grouchy it was unbelievable. It was hot, the kids were kind of driving me crazy, I know there was something specific that had managed to piss me off, but at this point I can't remember what it was. So I got the kids out into the hot, bright, fucking sun.
There was a huge pond at the park, and of course cole ran right for it. There was no barrier of any sort around the pond, so I had to run after c and stop him from jumping in. It was weird how many dangerous, non kid-friendly things we encountered on the trip. Like, in my day-to-day adventures, everything seems to be kid-safe...and i don't know if that's because I know what to avoid or if Austin is just a kid-safe city or something. But I could never relax on a bench and watch the kids frolic by this pond. There was way too much potential for danger. So I kind of redirected them towards the Parthenon and awaited Tracy.
I'm not sure why Tracy looked nothing like I expected. Perhaps it's because she never posts pictures of herself. But she recognized me because of the bulldozer, and I was so relieved to see another adult that most of my bad mood instantly slipped away when she found us. M and B played on some of the catfish - they had an art installation in the park which consisted of several catfish statues that were painted in different ways. Then we took all of the kids to the park, and M and her son played while C tried to seriously injure himself on the playground equipment. C was playing with another little kid, and by that time i had mellowed to the point where I was just not going to be all freaked out by him doing stuff that looked dangerous. At one point he was hanging off of the railing to the stairway, and I think he fell or banged his nose or something. I felt like the world's worst mom, but I was so tired of chasing after him to get him to not hurt himself that I just wanted to not do that for a little while and see if he actually would hurt himself...if that makes any sense. In other words, sometimes I wonder if I'm overly-reactionary about c's sense of adventure...but clearly I am not.
The kids played for a good long time, and by then we were all really hungry so we went to this little cafe on Tracy's suggestion. Tracy and I ordered pasta, the kids had pizza, and M and BJ spent the hour or so that we were in the cafe finding and squashing flies they found in the window. It was pretty gross,and not only that, they were announcing their antics to the entire restaurant (coincidentally (?) no one else was sitting in the restaurant with us). The food was delicious, and I would have really liked to sit down and relax and enjoy it. However, the theme of the entire vacation seemed to be "No fucking way, mama, like HELL you will relax!" and after having chased c down for the last time and actually strapping him into a high chair just so I wouldn't have to continue chasing him down, I realized that he had a poop. And I had no diapers with me. So I carried him out to the car, cursing and sweating, discovered that this was no ordinary poop, but the kind that requires a complete change of clothes and perhaps a bath if possible so I got some new clothes out of the backpack and sponged him off with a bunch of diaper wipes, and walked back to the restaurant.
On the way back to the restaurant from the parking lot, I saw a trail of poop that must have escaped from the diaper as I carried cole to the car. Thankfully, it ended before it actually got INSIDE the restaurant, but I was thankful that I didn't live in Nashville at that point, and therefore would never have to encounter again the people who watched me carry a child to my car with poo dripping from his diaper.
Needless to say, as nice and sweet as Tracy is...and as calming as her presence is, mama was not relaxed. I did managed to sit down for a bit and finish my pasta, but by the time I was nearly done, everyone was restless again and it was clearly time to go.
It had been so nice to be in the presence of another adult...particularly another adult as nice as Tracy. It's always a pleasant surprise to meet people in person after having been acquainted with them in some other fashion. I've been doing it for years, ever since I made my first pen pal when I was in high school, and on through the years with zine people and bands and now bloggers. I guess I will always seek out a lifestyle that includes interaction with people from far away that I get to discover in my travels. Meeting Tracy was definitely one of the highlights of the journey. i'm sure M feels the same way about hanging out with B.
And we said our goodbyes and were off!
Night of the Living Dummy
July 28, 2003
M's reading this Goosebumps book, Night of the Living Dummy, which is about a ventriloquist dummy that comes to life. Here's a conversation we just had:
M: I just got to the scary part where the dummy comes to life!
Mom: Isn't that scary to you? Aren't you worried your toys might come to life?
M: Not really, because if MY toys came alive, I would just proclaim them to do my bidding. (pause) For instance, I would tell my dragons to BURN you...to a CRISP!
Input needed:
July 28, 2003
I'm working on a project for work, and I need some help from the audience, please.
Does anyone know of any prisoner blogs? Blogs updated by inmates in correctional facilities? Are they out there? I did a google search, but I'm not finding anything.
Also, I need links to blogging communities that share a domain and have several sites under that domain (sort of like the surreally blogs and fullbleed.net (when it's up and running)). I'd prefer to see communities like this that have a portal of some sort and that don't necessarily have a common theme...but if you could just link up any old blogging community in comments, I can certainly filter out the best ones for my nefarious purposes.
Thanks!!
I totally forgot about the blogathon
July 28, 2003
...but that's ok, because I had a pretty busy weekend, and wouldn't have been much of a presence, anyway.
I've been staring at this blank "create new entry" screen for about 30 minutes, thinking of all of the things I have to say, but not feeling like I want to say any of it, or not knowing how to say it, or not feeling like it's important enough to say. I probably should restart the trip recap, but I think I need to put that off until either tonight when I get to work, or tomorrow morning. This morning I'm feeling too frustrated and twisted up.
But I did have a busy and socially active weekend. Went to Monkeywrench on Friday to watch Moyers with friends and others, which was cool. And L had been gone all day, so he kept the boys while I was there...so I didn't have to worry about keeping them quiet or occupied or anything, and I went out for coffee afterwards and stayed until the coffee shop closed down. Talking. Which was nice, too - but talking has been awkward for me of late.
Saturday, I worked in the morning and then when I came home the boys came home from their swimming date with another family and we had a movie and pizza night with them. I think I might try to do this a couple of nights a month - have different friends over for movie night, perhaps not with the pizza, because that gets expensive. Maybe, though, we could make pizza or make some other yummy food that kids like to eat that's easy to eat in front of the TV. I've been kind of making Saturday our "movie night" here anyway, so I can get some cleaning done and perhaps some reading (I was actually able to finish an entire book this weekend! And my kitchen is relatively clean! And so is my living room!) and this will become more significant when I actually get around to taking the TV away during the week.
After the friends left, I called up K8. She came over and we chatted. Here is another reason I want to isolate myself from people. I swear when I called her I was feeling positive and like I didn't want to discuss my relationship. I was open to hearing what she is experiencing and talking about positive things to look forward to. I'm not even sure WHY I started talking about the relationship, but I did. And though I had had a very upbeat few days, I became very depressed. And though it was excellent talking to k8 about things, as she is so insightful, I found myself feeling like I was making our visit all about me and my stupid problems...and I'm tired of that.
Which isn't to say that we didn't talk about anything else. I have no idea what the ratio was. But it FELT imbalanced to me. It always feels imbalanced to me lately, and it makes me self-conscious.
Blah.
So, k8 left when M whipped out the encyclopedia and started reading it to us. L gave M a set of encyclopedias to read, just like L did when he was a boy. And M is actually reading them. This is one of the things I love about L. And, of course, thinking about things I love about L fills me with fear and apprehension about the upcoming changes in our relationship.
But instead of feeling angst on Saturday night, I laid down in M's bed with him and read about Alligators and other "a" words. We didn't read about wild asses, even though that's what he had said he wanted to read about.
Sunday, I had promised M that I would take him out to the library, so L took care of C while me and M headed out. We got a TON of books. Some really good ones, too. And we read and read and read. M was reading his goosebumps book, and I was reading my cheesy the last safari book. I just have to force myself to read random cheesy fiction books sometimes. I dunno. We went to a coffeehouse and read some more, and then we came home, got cole, and went to church.
Yes. You heard me right. Church.
We finally went. I can't believe it. And it's actually a lot more church-like than I had anticipated, so I'm not sure if I even want to keep going. It freaks me out. Perhaps it shouldn't, but it does. I dropped c in the childcare room and kind of explored around with M. Basically, they begin the sermon with songs and a story. This week, The Therapy Sisters were playing, and they were pretty funny. Then came the story, about friendship. And then the older kids were ushered off to R.E.
The R.E. teacher was a really nice lady who later came to me and called M "her talker." I was kind of embarrassed, but she said "No, no...I'm a speech therapist, so I LOVE the talkers." Of course, after I dropped M in R.E., I made the mistake of dropping in on c in the childcare room, and he would not let me go. So basically I heard music and a story and then spent the rest of my time in the childcare room reading stories to strange children. But that was ok. I realized that I hadn't spent a lot of time with c this weekend, so we sat together and looked at books and built with blocks. And then it was time to go.
So, I gues I didn't so much go to church as my kids did. And they had fun, so that's all that really matters. I had good church with friends on Friday and Saturday...and the kids got to meet new people Sunday. So, I'd say that was a pretty damn good weekend.
Last night, after the kids went to bed, I watched Singles on my little computer screen. That's kind of the wrong movie to watch in the middle of a break up, so it didn't really improve my mood. But I went to bed early, and I'm feeling a bit less melancholy today. I'm looking forward to going to work, though - and taking the bus. I haven't spent enough alone time lately, and I'm really needing it - even if it's just snatches of alone caught in a crowd of people.
This week will be fairly busy with work and activities for the kids. I need to go clean up C, who has managed to pour all of the milk from his cereal bowl all over his entire body. Fun!
Unschooling The Gifted Child
July 27, 2003
I keep finding excellent articles over at the unschooling.com library. This one is about gifted children, and how unschooling helps them to better utilize their talents. I recognize M in a lot of what she's saying here, and I recognize myself doing things that might hinder his freedom in our environment. I think I need to work on accepting that he's different from other kids, wonderful, and different, and that the things I find most difficult about his personality are the things that will help him to be more successful later in life, if utilized properly. I need to help him work WITH his sensitivity rather than fight AGAINST it. And I need to set clear boundaries around what is and is not ok to challenge, so he can roam freely within those guidelines.
I'm so glad I read this article this morning, as I've been really putting a lot of thought into unschooling and whether it's the best option for M. I think it very clearly is, and at the same time, I see that I need to challenge myself to create the environment he needs to take full advantage of his freedom without infringing on the freedoms of others in the household.
Inarticulation
July 26, 2003
I haven't been updating a lot lately, and last night I realized why. Actually, I've suspected it for about a week now, but every time I'm in a social situation, it gets reinforced. I think my brain is fried. I can't seem to articulate the simplest idea that forms in my mind. Come to think of it, it doesn't seem like ideas are forming with any regularity these days.
I'm not sure if this has anything to do with my cycle or if it's because of all that is going on. Certainly, I have that feeling of Anticipation that comes from major changes approaching, and perhaps that is what is sucking my energy. I also am feeling very tired. At a dinner meeting I had the other night, on a subject about which I am very passionate, I had to give myself a freaking Pep Talk on the way over. I felt so tired that I didn't think I was going to be able to communicate a single thought. And I was so thankful that my associate was so good at pulling stuff out of me.
Anyway, I need to go easy on myself. I can see where this current state of mind might discourage me from being around people. I'm also totally self-conscious that I'm hijacking conversations to talk about my own problems or my own experiences that have nothing to do with the topic at hand. This is not a good combination. Afraid to talk, and then when I do talk, afraid that everyone just wishes I would fucking shut up. Hahaha.
So, yeah. That's where my head is at right now. Perhaps it is also an indication that it would be good for me to hang out by myself for awhile. I never did finish my recap of the journey, that would give me something to write about that is not terribly intimidating. That might be a good place to invest my energy.
Way Back Journal
July 25, 2003
I don' t know if anyone noticed, but I updated my way back journal with some juicily embarrassing entries of the summer before I was a freshman in high school. I kept it quiet because I was totally cringing while typing it all in, but I have sufficiently distanced myself from them now to allow myself to link it up here, as long as I don't actually re-read them. hahahaha.
I have to say, they are TOTAL blackmail material. Except for the part where I'm outing myself now as having been a complete and utterly hopeless goofy boycrazy teengirl.
This could keep me busy for hours.
July 24, 2003
I love dressing little cyber dolls. Must. Fight. Urge. To. Play. Sims.
Thanks (a LOT) blueroses for the link.
The absolute best bitter, end-of-relationship song ever ever ever written
July 24, 2003
I Let Love In
Nick Cave
Despair and Deception, Love's ugly little twins
Came a-knocking on my door, I let them in
Darling, you're the punishment for all of my former sins
I let love in
I let love in
The door it opened just a crack, but Love was shrewd and bold
My life flashed before my eyes, it was a horror to behold
A life-sentence sweeping confetti from the floor of a concrete hole
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
Well I've been bound and gagged and I've been terrorized
I've been castrated and I've been lobotomized
But never has my tormenter come in such a cunning disguise
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
O Lord, tell me what I done
Please don't leave me here alone
Where are my friends?
My friends are gone
O Lord, tell me what I done
Please don't leave me here alone
Where are my friends?
My friends are gone
I let love in
I let love in
So if you're sitting all alone and hear a-knocking at you door
and the air is full of promises, well buddy, you've been warned
Far worse to be Love's lover than the lover that Love has scorned
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
My brief conversation with the "fitness" sales lady
July 24, 2003
I forgot to mention the conversation I had with the Gold's Gym salesperson today. She started in with the whole "What are you looking for in a gym." I answered "I'm really just looking for a place I can go and do some aerobics on my own and lift some weights. Since I had told her that I stopped going to the gym when I was pregnant (and stupidly canceled my 15 dollar a month membership, and I'm still kicking myself over that one) she then said "Well, you know, joining the gym is a good way to get rid of that baby fat."
audible eyeroll.
My response was something like "That's not really my goal either. I don't mind the baby fat so much as I just really want to find a place I can go away from home where I can just spend some time alone working on my body, building strength and stuff."
It sounded like she got me when she said "You have a great attitude about it!" But then she added "Sometimes it's not so much about weighing yourself on a scale, but about fitting into your clothes and feeling good about your body."
I didn't have the energy to explain to her that it wasn't at all about clothes or my external body...it's more about my internal functions and how excercise really gives me more energy, even though I have never EVER ever lost a significant amount of weight by working out.
*sigh*
I'm thinking it's going to have to be the Y. 3 years ago, it seemed like I had so much more patience for this kind of stuff...but I don't think I could deal with the ogling at my leg hair or the condescension on the weight equiptment that I used to have to deal with when I went to the gym on a regular basis before. On the bright side, I never EVER got hit on by a beefy boy...on the down side, I frequently got glared at by them, and that's just fucking annoying.
Subversive Harmony
July 24, 2003
Lately it seems I keep getting linked up by some really cool blogs, and I keep adding them to my ridiculously long blogroll, and I'm only able to read them semi-occasionally, even though many of them are really good.
I had the distinct pleasure of reading this entry at subversive harmony today. Just a very thoughtful, very thought-provoking post about growing older and all that comes with it, and much more besides.
I wish there were five million hours in the day so I could visit all of the blogs on my blogroll religiously.
Joining a Gym
July 24, 2003
About the only thing more frustrating, I think, than trying to get free or reduced rate legal aid...is trying to get a fucking estimate from a gym, especially if you do not plan to run in and join RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
I'm trying to cost compare between getting a family membership at the Y (which would include full access to a swimming pool, which seems to be what my body currently really desires) and getting an individual membership at the local fitness monopoly. Obviously, it's much cheaper to get an individual membership at the local fitness monopoly, and the hours are a little better, but the Y seems to be a better place for my needs.
Both, of course, are totally out of my price range right now. I'm just kind of fantasizing about the possibility of future potential extra money, and I think I want to make joining some sort of health club one of my priorities for when those financial changes occur. I have lately had this incredibly strong desire to just swim and swim and swim...and, although I have a free public pool directly across the street from my house, and a larger for-pay public pool within walking distance, it's kind of difficult to do any real swimming with a 2 year old clinging to me for dear life.
So...yeah. It's sounding like the Y is the best choice for me. They're a lot less snotty on the phone, too...and the pricing is straightforward, no nonsense. Far far far from being inexpensive, but pretty manageable, I think. Probably about what the "one less mouth to feed" factor will save me, if I'm wanting to justify it.
We'll see, though. First, I guess I need to cover those legal fees, and all of the thousands of hours of therapy I'm going to need.
Swimming's pretty good therapy, too, though.
(and so the justification begins)
Show Me The Data
July 23, 2003
There's a new blog in the full bleed crew. Show Me The Data is a blog devoted to reporting the facts and exposing the myths that are rampant in the realm of fatphobic science. I'm so glad to have been able to provide a space for them. Thanks to Tish and the smtd folks!
More frustrations with public aid.
July 23, 2003
Free legal clinic? Closed until mid-August.
Free legal advice over the telephone? ALWAYS busy.
I'm feeling a bit frustrated right now. I have a couple of phone numbers for some mediators that have been recommended to me. I might just call and get an estimate.
On a different and far brighter side, there is a summer camp at the UU church I'm going to start going to. It's 5 hours a day, the first or second week of August, and it's only TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS! M is so excited about going, mostly because he's WAY into the idea of me packing him a lunch every day. He has already decided that he wants a peanut butter sandwich, an apple, and a juice box.
I'm just thinking about those 5 glorious hours every day with only one child in the house. YAHOO!
An Interesting Case of Computer Fraud
July 23, 2003
Mostly because I used to work at kinko's:
According to the one-count Complaint filed today, JIANG, operating from his home in Flushing, and using a computer program designed to record computer passwords and user names, attempted to gain access to the computer accounts of approximately 15 subscribers of GoToMyPC.As described in the Complaint, GoToMyPC is a company that offers individuals the ability to remotely access their personal computers from any computer connected to the Internet. According to the Complaint, JIANG obtained these users' passwords and user names by installing computer software for this purpose at a Kinko's located on Seventh Avenue in Manhattan. JIANG then used these passwords and usernames in attempts to gain access to those subscribers' personal computers in order to obtain credit card and other information stored on those computers, it was alleged. [source]
"I'd rather go to jail than send my daughter to high school"
July 22, 2003
So, now it's educational neglect to send your kid to college?
July 16, 2003 -- A 15-year-old Manhattan girl whose parents sent her to college instead of high school has been told by a judge that she can't get her associates degree even though she's got enough credits - as city officials launched an "educational neglect" probe against her dad.Angela Lipsman has been passing courses since she was 11 at the Fashion Institute of Technology and Manhattan Community College. She has a 3.8 average.
Oh, yeah NEGLECT. That's that thing where you pay attention to the needs of your child, and place those needs above whatever institutions want to try to push as the "norm." Yeah. I forgot about that. Well, alright, then...this is CLEARLY a case of severe NEGLECT.
*eyeroll*
I've had a good day.
July 22, 2003
In case you are keeping track. hahaha. I went over and hung out with a friend who is keeping another friend's kids while she's in training for a new job, and the kids were able to let it all hang out for a bit, and I was able to get some mutually beneficial conversation in. I think it helps to have more of the exchange of actual real time conversation where I can get out what I'm bereaving, and the other person can empathize and also bereave back...or something...but there really wasn't even any grief on my part today. It's weird. Yesterday, I couldn't even think about the situation without welling up with tears, and today I was talking about it, positive and negative aspects, and I didn't even feel sad...more relieved. Perhaps saying it out loud. Practicing. Those words that are so hard, like "I'm giving up." "Separation." even "divorce" get a little easier each time I say them out loud.
It helps that there is no more angry tension in the house. Both of us are tentative and polite. I worry about this a little, because this has always been the predecessor to me just giving in and saying "Oh, what the hell, there's no conflict here - why don't we just try to keep doing what we are doing." The trick is that it NEVER has gotten any better than polite tentativeness, and it ALWAYS gets worse. I have to remind myself of this, sometimes out loud - out of earshot, but out loud. And I'm kind of wanting to speed up the process a bit so I don't get too acclimated to the peace that comes from inaction - the harmony that comes when stability remains unchallenged.
So, today the children played and played. In the house, in the water, in the mud...while the parents watched and talked and related. This is one of my favorite place to have playgroups, because the mamas are such excellent examples of empathic parenting that isn't necessarily filled with that goopy-sweet falsely child-centric crap. I can't describe it. The children are treated respectfully and related to honestly. I really wish I could film the interaction between these moms and the group...they are truly wonderful people and models of respectful, vigilant, and yet somewhat laissez faire parenting. It just fills me with such joy and positive energy to be in their presence. It replenishes the patience that just wasn't there this morning when I asked for help picking up markers and I was suddenly being pelted with marker caps. hahahaha.
And the thing is, too, that these are NOT mamas who have given over their entire lives to being mom and nothing else. These are mamas with whom I can have a full-on conversation about Chomsky, Marx, and the revolution in between the filling of sippy cups, the kissing of booboos and the changing of poopy diapers. These mamas are, in fact, the shit.
Tomorrow is the free legal clinic, although I am starting to think more and more that I won't qualify for legal aid. I might have to hit all of you up for paypal donations to take care of this thing. I'm thankful that L has the presence of mind and of heart to realize that it doesn't do anyone any good to be at war. I'm thankful that he cares enough about his children to lay down his weapons, even though I know it's terribly frightening to do so. My promise is to do my best to be as fair as possible. I want the children to have total access to both parents, and I want both parents to be successful in whatever it is we hope to achieve. This is all. And if we aren't busy scheming up ways to screw each other and get revenge, we can use that energy to better accommodate the needs of the children.
Thank you, Nakachi.
July 22, 2003
I have nothing whatsoever to add to this, except that you really do need to go read it.
yes, you.
Soledad Brother, too.
Bush Lied. Thousands Died
July 22, 2003
My friend Megan is currently distributing buttons that say "Bush lied. Thousands died." If anyone is interested in getting some from her, please e-mail her at megarito@juno.com. I think she was telling me she'd send them out for a dollar apiece.
The politics of need
July 21, 2003
Something else that occurred to me today as I received so many very nice and supportive e-mails and comments...I totally appreciate the support I have received both from online friends and people I know in real life. I don't know what I would do without that support. I have needed it.
At the same time, I am so completely ready to NOT need support. I am ready to be at a place where I don't have to be told how strong I am, where I don't have to be reassured. Where *I* can give rather than receive support. I feel like I've been so incredibly needy for so long, and I'm tired of it. I mean, I still appreciate what's being given, and it's not upsetting me in any way to hear from people offering kind words or anything else.
I guess I'm ready to be strong for other people instead of always having to be strong for myself and my kids. I'm hoping that once I'm over this final hurdle, I can make myself more available for that. Not that I wouldn't drop everything right this minute to help someone who needed help that I could give, but I worry that people assume that my life is so totally fucked up that I couldn't possibly be of any help at all.
The Cost of Speaking up...
July 21, 2003
the identities of anonymous sources who have provided information to journalists critical of their agenda are increasingly being challenged. Dr. David Kelly, a soft-spoken but highly effective biological weapons expert, apparently committed suicide last week after a nerve-wrecking public inquisition by UK government officials trying to determine the source for a now infamous report by the BBC's Andrew Gilligan. The report accused the Blair government of 'sexing up' the dossier it used to sell the invasion. Dr. Kelly admitted he met with Gilligan but said he thought he wasn't the 'main' source for the report. Now the BBC is admitting he was, casting doubt on Gilligan's reporting: he had claimed the source was a 'senior intelligence official involved in preparing the dossier' — Dr. Kelly was a former weapons inspector and Ministry of Defense adviser.
This week's Guerrilla's of the Week according to GNN.
Crazy at mealtime
July 21, 2003
Does anyone else have this problem with their kids? It seems like lately, the INSTANT I start preparing a meal, c DEMANDS to be fed snack after snack after snack. Which I wouldn't mind indulging him in but then he doesn't eat the meal that I'm trying to prepare. It gets to where a 15 minute meal prep turns into an hour, because I'm having to deal with temper tantrum after temper tantrum over this. He wants to eat pickles, tortillas, fruit, crackers...and I do give him something to snack on, but, again, if I give him too much - he won't eat the meal.
Should I just give up making meals and feed the children snacks all day? What? It's driving me absolutely crazy. I'm having to distract them with videos while I cook so they won't beg for food. They're worse than even the most annoying cats. It's like they hear the can opener, and they start yowling.
Sigh.
Right now, they're watching the Land of the Lost video that I found at the video store. Yes. You heard me. Land of the Lost. The original episodes. It is so cool.
Good Great Homeschooling Stuff
July 21, 2003
In the past few weeks, the homeschool co-op I participate on Wednesday has sort of consolidated into an all-purpose learning community. We are organizing field trips, planning theme-based activities for co-op, doing park days, and I'm in charge of Mom's Night Out.
Yesterday was Mom's Sunday Afternoon Out. I invited everyone out for coffee at my favorite coffee shop. Only three of us showed up, but it was good...less awkward. I realize that, since I have been attending this group more for m than myself, I haven't really put forth much of an effort to get to know the other moms in the group. I'm pretty shy, and I'm usually pretty busy at co-op trying to keep m from running all over the place and fighting with other kids, and focusing on playing with cy. Although I do have conversations there, they're not really deep or personal conversations - mostly it's bitching about the government.
Which, I have to say, is one of the best things about this group. We have somehow managed to gather together what I think is probably the largest group of mostly non-religious (or differently-spiritualized) homeschoolers...and most of them are pretty far left on the political spectrum.
So, yesterday while sitting down and drinking coffee with the two other mamas there, I had a really great conversation, and I feel pretty thankful for all the work that everyone has done to gather all of these individuals together.
One thing that was mentioned that was such excellent news for me is that one of the moms in the group goes to the Unitarian church I've been meaning to start attending. She goes to the 5 PM service, and her daughter would probably love to have m there, since they already know each other. AND, they have a summer camp in a couple of weeks that might possible still have some openings, and I think m would REALLY dig that.
It was very cute. When I told m about the summer camp, he got all excited about the fact that I was going to be packing a lunch for him. hahahaha. Of course that's been his one huge bummer about homeschooling, that I don't send him off with a packed lunch every day. Perhaps I should start packing him a lunch once a week or something and letting him go outside and eat it or something. I would do it every day, but lunch is my meal that I cook most days, so I try to make something tasty and hot.
So, there's that group, and there's the group that is being formed by the mama whose daughter I was watching last year. It sounds like an excellent co-op, and I'm really excited about participating. Where the Young Explorers co-op is for ages 0-7 (m is the second oldest participant) This co-op is for ages 5-10, and m will probably be one of the youngest. I think that's an excellent way to give him a wide-ranging peer group to interact with...and since he already knows K, I think he will really enjoy the activities. One of the cool things they are doing starting in the fall is a gardening class. They're also doing a book club...and I'm hoping to convince my bosses to let me teach computer classes for kids on weekends. Or at least open up our facility to allow those classes to be taught (because there's probably another organization that teaches them and maybe doesn't have the space).
So, lots of cool stuff is happening. It would be easy for me to concentrate on the crap, but that only makes the pain in my stomach sharper. If I focus on the awesomeness of all of the really cool people in my life, it feels like I can do this. Like I have a community.
Through the ringer.
July 20, 2003
It's been quite a weekend. A fucking roller coaster.
I think it's safe to say out loud now what I'm sure most of the regulars here have already guessed. I'm currently in the process of separating from my husband. During the week last week, things were quite adversarial between us, and I thought that was hard...but he had a change of heart, and . As it turns out, while it's financially more difficult to fight out a divorce, it's way more emotionally draining for me when we are both working towards the same goal.
I've worked hard to avoid using this space to blame or find fault with my husband, and I've intentionally not aired my difficulties explicitly. Now is not time for me to start doing that. Suffice to say that the demise of my relationship with my husband has been a complex and lengthy process. I have much regret about mistakes that I have made, and I have much resentment about mistakes he has made. Right now, even though - or perhaps because - things are nearing an end, I feel so much more doubt than I have during this entire process. But I know I have been in this place before, and I have allowed the doubt to force me to reconsider, and things have gotten worse and worse. I need to remind myself of this fact constantly, because it's so tempting to stop the process and go back to the familiar, even though that is by far the least healthy option for all of us.
At any rate, I'm so tired. I'm having all of these irrational fears about security that I never thought I would have. While I do have the standard "end of relationship" fears like "What if I never fall in love again" or "What if no one ever falls in love with me again" or "What if I do fall in love again, but the other person doesn't fall in love with me" or "What if someone I don't like falls in love with me" (hahahaha...the angst never ends!) but I also find myself gripped with panic, thinking "What if I lose my job?" and "What if I break my leg?" You know...those kinds of security questions. The whole "who's going to take care of me" mindfuck.
I'm trying not to concentrate on it too hard, though. I'm trying to focus on maintaining the peace and moving forward. At least now it seems that I won't have to hire a lawyer to force him out of the house. The financial worries have not yet ended, but at least they are significantly decreased. Mediation ain't free, but it's cheaper, and it's probably better for both of us as we end our tenuous connection as husband and wife and try to build a stronger relationship as co-parents.
I'm going to print out this post and hang it on the wall in a really nice frame.
July 20, 2003
I love this. I absolutely do.
i said, i'm always going to be fat leroy. it's not a bad thing but some people like to talk about it like it is bad. like everyone should look the same but we don't. i said, i'm happy i'm fat. leroy was laying on the bed, i was leaning against the dresser. he was interested. i was surprised, i didn't show it but i thought i'd lose him before i got this far. he's four. he said, you are fat and you are good mama. yep. i said.
Go read it.