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a boy and his dog

August 31, 2003

It's been an oddly hectic day. I found myself losing my temper early in the afternoon, and it was difficult to recover. I'm having a difficult time dealing with M's constant tattling about benign stuff that C is doing. That and the whining drive me over the edge, and I shouldn't let it.

But around about 3 PM - Monk's dog arrived to stay.

First I have to say that A, the person from whom we are adopting the dog, has to be one of the sweetest men I've met in a long time. I could tell he was really conflicted about losing his pet. He kept making little whining noises in the back of his throat. It was adorable. He's pretty happy that Bailey will be living in a house with a yard, though, and I was sure to reassure him that M, who will be Bailey's new caretaker, is a very responsible 6 year old who has been in charge of the basic needs of all of our pets for months now. He feeds and waters everyone in the morning, and is a sweet, loving boy.

So A brought over Bailey's supplies. Some ear treatment, flea treatment, a big doghouse, leash, a book about making your dog laugh, and the cutest little sweater.

Yes. I now live with a dog who has a sweater. A says she also has a suede vest that he can't believe he actually bought for 30 bux. He says he'll send it to me when he unpacks.

Meanwhile, Bailey sniffed around the yard and hung out. And Twyla was totally jealous, but curious - and not appearing to be aggressive.

I felt bad for wanting A to leave, but the kids were kind of driving me crazy outside running around, and I wanted us all to adjust to the new family member. I told A that I would definitely e-mail him and send pictures and keep him updated on Bailey's life as much as he felt he needed, and then he left.

Unfortunately, he also left the gate unlatched, which caused a major heart attack for me when I lost track of the dog and MY 2-YEAR OLD for about 2 minutes, and ran outside to find the gate wide open and a concerned neighbor holding the hand of C, who had wandered out into the road.

Damnit that was fucking scary. Never never never ever again do I ever want to experience that. When I first walked out, I just saw the woman, and I thought she was going to tell me that she had run him over or something. But he was there, and he seemed OK until I picked him up and he could see that I was visibly shaken. Then he started to cry, and it took him a good 15 minutes to calm down, by which time I was also crying to release the stress of having experienced all of that in such a short span of time.

I'm really REALLY hoping he has learned his lesson about wandering out of the gate...but even if he hasn't, it's not typical for the gate to be unlatched, and it's not really typical for him to be out there alone. It just so happened that M and I were distracted - filling Bailey's food dish or something - and no one was out there with him...

At any rate, he was OK, and the dog was OK, and we finally all came back into the house to settle down.

A had warned us that Bailey would probably whine when he left, and she did. M was so cute - relating in the matter of having lost a family member and feeling sad about it - he was comforting Bailey by saying almost the exact same things I have told him when he has expressed sadness about the fact that his papa doesn't live here any more. C offered the dog his sippy cup, as well as a good deal of empathy. And it didn't take long for the dog to realize that the children wouldn't leave her alone as long as she was expressing sadness, so she stopped whining and flopped in a forlorn heap on the floor.

And we all kind of went about our day with a little more fullness now that there was a new family member to acquaint ourselves with. I still don't have any pictures, but she's very very cute.

At around 6, we got all dressed up and took the dog for a walk to the grocery store to pick up something easy to eat for dinner, and some juice for the kids. M was in charge of the leash, and he was so cute. Not wanting to pull the dog too hard, he was running to keep up with her and maintain slack in the leash.

It helps to pay attention...to really NOTICE these things that make the children so precious. Like the way C is always standing on his head and the way M seems to have a sense for animals and their space...because these are the things that explain the other things that maybe aren't so pleasant about the children. Like the way C NEEDS to be cuddled 24 hours a day (thus standing on his head in my lap, kicking my ribs with his pointed toes) and the way M sometimes forgets to think about the space that *I* might need. I made a point later in the evening of complimenting M on his kindness and empathy towards the dog, and the way he seemed to intuitively know not to poke or hover or overly interact with her on her first night here. I assured him that if he was patient she would probably become very bonded with him. It seemed to puff him up a bit with confidence, and I was glad of that, as I had been entirely unpleasant towards both of them this morning. Blustering about thinking only of my feelings and my state of mind - not considering that they are going through difficult times right along with me.

Anyway, Bailey did well on the leash, and we all seemed to really settle into the evening. At one point, Bailey got a bit close to Twyla's food dish, and Twyla laid into her, but in spite of how awful it sounded, neither dog was injured in the slightest. I figure they are going to have to duke it out once or twice to establish who is in charge. Thankfully, Bailey does not seem interested in asserting dominance over Twyla, so I think she'll steer clear of her food dish from now on.

After that scuffle, I asked M if he would like to hang out with Bailey in his room, and he did. For the rest of the evening, he played in there with Bailey. I puttered around, cleaning up, periodically checking on them, and finally put c to bed. When i was finished with that and went to M's room to read him his story, the light was out and M was curled on the edge of the bed while Bailey luxuriated in the middle. M had put his blanket on her and had given her one of his stuffed animals for company. It was so damn adorable I almost cried.

So, yeah. I'm pleased. I'm very glad that this particular dog has come into our lives. She seems entirely safe and mellow and well-behaved. M loves her to death, as does C. Twyla will get over herself. (and M tried to appease Twyla by telling her that "Next time we go for a walk, we'll take you instead, Twyla." Even though he knows the dog can't hear.) Everything is groovy. There is peace in the valley tonight.

How Refreshing

August 31, 2003

Miz Insane linked up this tarot reading site, and I just had a very refreshing tarot reading. It was truly cool. My favorite card is below:

The challenge has to do with overcoming adversity, or it may be appropriate for you to reconsider current plans.

The card in the Challenges/Opportunities position reflects how you can use creativity and skill to turn conflicts into harmonious understanding.

The Ten of Swords in this position says "Know when to cut your losses." Tap the good sense Nature gave you and let go of the situation, accepting that it cannot bear a lot of positive fruit right now. Certain lines of development are not worth following right now, no matter what promises or expectations may have been made.

There may be no advantage in traveling this road any longer. Outrageous developments have effectively negated agreements or expectations. It's like the system has crashed and the progress you thought you had made is lost. The lesson in a case like this is to know when and how to detach yourself from a situation. Don't go down with the ship ... he or she who fights and runs away will live to fight another day!

And I love this general description of this card:

The Ten of this suit represents finality, the end of something. As is easy to grasp from the picture in many decks, there is no hope for revival here. A limit has been reached, a line has been crossed and there is no turning back. In some situations this may be felt as a tragic loss, but it often brings with it a paradoxical sense of release and closure. The waiting and wondering are over. There is no more ambiguity. You can rightly let go and move on, as there is no more progress to be made here.

I suppose there is some degree of finality explicit in an image of a man with TEN FREAKING SWORDS in his back.

It was an 8-card reading, and in spite of some of the contradictions that would not happen if I was face to face with a decent tarot reader, I thought it was very interesting and thought-provoking.

It's the last day of August

August 31, 2003

And i spent all of my alone time yesterday designing the world's most perfect record-keeping system for homeschooling and housework. Now I need only design the binder that will contain them and do all of the printing out and (possibly) laminating.

Someone. please. stop me.

I have also ordered all of our supplies for the fall, including some used books, software, and art supplies. I think I might get C a tricycle (the kind with the big handle coming off the back) and M a bicycle with training wheels. I just need to do some shopping around at the various thrift stores and garage sales and other places until I find them. I feel like a horrible mom because I have never really pushed bike-riding on M, but C is now old enough, I think, to kind of ride along with us, so it'll be easier once it gets cool enough to do daily walks in the morning.

Daily walks which, by the way, are on my elaborate and perfect homeschooling schedule. Is anyone else neurotic enough to want to see this plan? Let me know. I can even send you the word files if you feel like you might use them.

Seriously, somone needs to stop me. I have an hour by hour breakdown of each day from 8 until 3. It's pretty scary, particularly since I will be the only one who wants to follow that schedule. I promise I will try not to get all freaked out at the kids if they don't want to play along. Remind me of this promise, will you?

I decided that I definitely will not be getting the Oak Meadow curriculum at this time. I am going to continue to search for it used throughout the year, though. It feels better to be able to get some used bicycles, art supplies, and all that other stuff for less than the curriculum would have cost. Perhaps some other year I will be able to afford it...but not this year.

I love the change of seasons, and I'm ashamed to say it's mostly because I love the supplies that I have decided must come with the change of seasons. I don't do much shopping around these parts...I try to do it all just 4 times a year. Four times a year I change up our schedule, and four times a year I get new supplies to help facilitate this change. I don't go wild with the spending, but I do get the necessary items all at once. Homeschooling doesn't HAVE to be expensive, but I think it's good to have new fun stuff in the house for the kids to use. Even if it's new used fun stuff. And learning to ride a bike IS pretty important, right?

I try to tell myself it's all about renewal, and that's how it fits into the change of seasons, but I also know that it's all part of my addiction to consuming. Hopefully it's not terribly damaging to the children that the change of seasons have gone commercial.

I can't believe I'm so neurotic about money that I'm asking the readers of my blog to validate my spending for me. Hahahaha.

Roller Coaster of Monk.

August 29, 2003

It has been a rough day here. It started off so well, M was being totally cool and patient, and we were really having a day. But around noon...ironically (or not) the time that I normally go out and L normally starts watching the kids (this has changed due to our new agreement. He now only watches both kids every OTHER Friday, and on alternate Fridays, like today, he takes one kid out in the evening.) M really started acting up.

It started pretty innocently. He had C and the visiting P (who is approximately C's age) in his room playing a game. The rules of the game were, of course, dictated by the much older M. Of course, however, neither of the 2 year olds were paying any attention whatsoever to M's rules, and were merely playing quietly and contentedly in whatever way they saw fit to play. This pissed M off, and he started talking to them in that high-pitched, whiny, "I'm about to explode in a fit of uncontrolled rage" voice. I tried to interrupt and redirect several times, but M just did not get that he wasn't going to get the two year olds to bend to his will, and that the two year olds weren't committing a punishable offense by not bending to his will.

I finally had to drag M kicking and screaming out of the room, because he started yelling at C and raging about the fact that C didn't play with the little dragon knights the way M wanted him to.

But it really only got worse. Basically, m acted like this all day. He had a short fuse, and he was just whining and trying my patience. For a little while, I was able to appease him by hanging out with him one-on-one while the two-year olds played contentedly, but that didn't last long, and I was happy when Megan came over to retrieve P so I could have another adult to talk to. I had anticipated it being an easy day because the morning had gone so well, but I was so wrong.

The funny thing is that neither C nor P - the TWO YEAR OLDS - made a single peep all day. They were both happy as could be, playing and getting along.

I was so frustrated with M by the time his papa came to take him out. Sigh. But when M is gone, C becomes unbearably clingy and needy, so it's not like I got any sort of break. I did manage to watch Moyers, but most of my m-less time was spent catering to C's every whim, and he had many whims without his big brother to buffer them. It's cute, though, how much he loves M. When we were getting ready to go to the store, C said "where M?" and then when I made dinner, C yelled out "M! diiiiinnnnnnerrrr!!!"

M was difficult right through story time tonight. I finally had to just turn out the lights and leave them alone in the bedroom. It's way past C's bedtime, and he's been tired since around 5 in the afternoon, but he will not go to sleep. I'm letting them have a slumber party in my room. I told them that the light was to stay out and they were to stay in the room, but that they could stay awake for as long as they wanted. Right now they are telling knock knock jokes.

I'm feeling pretty frustrated because I have a lot of non-mommy stuff that I want to write and read about, but I feel like I am way too distracted with all of this other stuff. It's TEN FREAKING THIRTY at night! We've been up since SEVEN. Why are they still awake?

Mama's tired. I'm feeling like the childcare agreement is not serving me well, nor is it serving the children well. I'm supposed to have time to myself after work tomorrow, but since L is watching the kids in my home, I'm forced to go out and do something, when all I really want to do is come home, take a bath, read a book, clean the house, mow the lawn...or just veg out in front of the TV. It's definitely better now than it was before he moved out, but there is much room for improvement in this arrangement, and I'm really tired of hearing the other person talk about how he's getting the short end of the stick.

Great. Both boys just burst out of the bedroom. I have to go resume the mommy of the year act.

Sigh. Maybe I will take Megan up on her offer to watch the kids on Sunday. I would prefer to save up my childcare favors for when I have to work, but I guess that doesn't do me any good if I'm unable to perform my functions in a calm and caring way.

UPDATE: It's always good to end things on a positive, so I thought I'd relate this story. It took me all of 5 minutes to get c to go to sleep, but M had already gone to sleep in his own room in that time. I crept into M's room after C was asleep and M was totally faking sleep. I made him giggle, and his cover was blown. Anyway, I told him he could go sleep in the big bed now that C was asleep. His reply was "OK, but carry me. I'm too tired to walk" M weighs about 60 pounds, I think. He's not light. I said OK, because I'm a buff herculean woman. I picked him up to heft him to bed, and then he says "Stop off at the bathroom." What a cutey.

So, now my big boy and little guy are peacefully co-existing in the big bed. I will get to veg for a bit, then I will clean up M's room (which is why I wanted M to sleep in the big bed in the first place) and maybe MAYBE I will get to do some writing, but I don't think so.

So it's not a totally happy ending, but I'm not feeling tense and angry anymore.

Something to think about this labor day weekend.

August 29, 2003

This article at AlterNet lists some alarming statistics, including:

Over the past 30 years the productivity of the people whose brain and muscle creates the wealth of the world's richest nation has grown by 66 percent. But the wage of the typical employee — the median wage — has grown by only 7 percent.

This one statistic says more than the volumes of hype and tripe that will fill the papers and the air waves on Labor Day. It encapsulates the most massive redistribution of income in American history, from the poor, from workers, from former middle classes — to the rich and the super-rich. As billionaire Warren Buffett said to ABC's Ted Koppel last month, "If it's class warfare, my class is winning."

This explains why I bang on the dashboard and yell whenever I hear one of those dumb talk radio hosts talk about how the rich don't get any government assistance or benefits for "all that money" they are being forced to "redistribute" to the "lower classes."

Fuck the rich. There's no reason why everyone in this country...in ALL countries...should have to go hungry or really need for anything while other have more than they could ever need. That's what it boils down to. You can pontificate all you want, but I've yet to hear anyone provide an adequate reason for why this could possibly be acceptable.

Brooke posts some depressing numbers, as well. I suspect I'll be reading and posting about these alarming labor statistics all weekend long.

Phew.

August 28, 2003

Well, I'm relieved to say that M announced tonight that he's "happy to be alive on this earth."

And he really does seem to be happy. He's thrilled that he's getting a dog, and tonight he's having a slumber party in his room with his baby brother. What a sweet kid he is. What an absolute treasure. Both of them. Gah. They are adorable.

Bailey the Beagle.

August 28, 2003

The lovely Susan, who comments here frequently and is someone I have the fortune to know in "real life" responded to my sudden desperate urge to acquire a new pet by telling me that a co-worker of her sister's has a pet who needs a new home.

Thus, it looks like Bailey the Beagle will soon join our household. Her human companion, who is unfortunately moving away and is unable to bring her with him, brought her by to see how she interacts with the children and the dear deaf boxer. We brought the dogs to the park so they could sniff each other on neutral ground and, while Bailey wasn't entirely pleased with Twyla, it did not appear that there would be any bloodletting, so we brought them to the backyard, where there was more sniffing, more growling, a little nipping, and much cowering between the legs by Bailey.

Bailey seems to like both of the children, and Twyla seems OK with the idea of allowing Bailey to intrude upon her space. It did not appear that either dog had a death wish for the other, so I think we're going to go for it. I think by the end of the week we will have a new canine member of the family.

I'll post pictures as soon as I am able. She's a sweetheart. Very mellow. It doesn't seem like she'll take any shit off of Twyla, but it also doesn't seem like she's likely to instigate any shit, either. And she had both kids doting on her at the same time and seemed entirely unflappable.

Yay!

But I think I still want a puppy...later. Like maybe next year or something.

Haven't listened to it yet...

August 28, 2003

but I thought some of you might appreciate this (scroll down a bit) talk of the nation broadcast with John Taylor Gatto.

I'm not lonely...

August 28, 2003

Which is a good thing. I don't sit in my empty house and long for companionship. I don't know if it's because I'm pretty fulfilled by all of the people in my life, or that I'm so burnt out and injured that it's safer to be alone, but I don't feel lonely, and all of the longing for companionship I felt when he was here has really sort of dissipated. It's nice. At night after the kids are asleep, I tidy up the house, watch a little tv or listen to music, chat on aim. I flow from one thing to the next and I feel unencumbered. The tightness in my shoulders is slowly fading. Is swimming like self-massage? My entire back feels less tight. I feel good.

I talked to my mom last night when I got home from work. I had made a decision about money and I'm somewhat afraid of the fallout. She reassured me yet again that even though she has limited resources, she is willing to help out as much as she can. She said that when she got divorced from my father, her father died around the same time, and she felt so lost - like her whole support system had crumbled. Thankfully, I don't have to deal with the adjustment of going back to work. My job seems fairly secure, in spite of funding cutbacks and everything else. It's nice to know that I can get help if I need it. I told her I would rather wait for an emergency, and she said she'd rather I didn't wait...she'd rather I ask for help.

I'd rather she just send me a check for whatever she could afford, because while I need to money, I'm self-conscious about asking for it - I have no idea how much she can afford to send. I know this is not fair, necessarily. If I'm going to lean on her for money, I should at least have the courtesy to ask her for it, rather than just expect her to relieve my discomfort about asking and send it.

I told her that I definitely feel like a failure - a 33 year old woman who has been supporting herself since she was 18 - asking for money. Sure, she had been lax about making me pay for the car she sold me when I was 18, and she did give me a place to live for a few months when I was 20 and moved back home temporarily (which also felt like a huge, regretful, step backwards). Other than that, I have been self-sufficient this whole time.

Self-sufficient.

Wouldn't it be nice to allow someone to at least HELP with my finances for awhile? To pay for a class for the kids. To pay for a membership at the Y for me (my mom asked how much it cost, and my heart leaped, as a friend of mine's mom is paying for a membership for her and I was hoping my mom would offer to do the same).

Money. Money. Money. Money. I have so very many hang-ups about freaking MONEY.

Trying...not...to...be...angry

August 27, 2003

I went into m's room to say good night to him and discovered that he has once again upended ALL of his toybins. So the entire floor is COVERED with toys. He knows this is not ok, he knows I don't like it.

I know I sound like bitchy anal woman, but this isn't an "oops, made a mess" thing. I feel like he does this as a deliberate way to get into trouble. His room is not clean to begin with, I don't trifle over toys being left out on the floor. What he did tonight is dump out the entire contents of TWO BIG BINS of toys - just dumped them, did not play with them, and now his room is messy so he does not want to hang out in there or sleep in there (thankfully, his bed is clear, so he's sleeping in there anyway. Mom says.)

GRRRrrr. I've already told him that we aren't going to get to do anything fun tomorrow until the mess gets cleaned up.

Gah. This is my least favorite thing about being his mom. I am not a neat freak by any measure, but those toys are not just his toys, and when they get dumped all over his room, they become unusable to everyone.

Bitch, moan, complain, etc. I think I'm going to veg out in front of the television for awhile and then go to bed.

I can barely keep my eyes open.

August 27, 2003

And I can't tell if it's because I'm tired, or if it's the chlorine. I'm sure I look VERY stoned, and it's family night at the school where I work, so I'm probably going to try to hide from the families and just work back here in my little hide-y hole.

I did 40 laps, though. I'm pretty psyched. I almost didn't go, but once I got started, it was hard to stop. I kept exceeding the little goals I would set for myself. It felt good. I feel good. Tired, but good. Exhausted, actually. I could curl up right now if I didn't know it would get me into a heap of trouble. Of course, I do have the only key to this door, so I could lock it, put my head down on my desk and wake up in time to go home.

But I won't, because I have a million and a half things to do.

I had an awesome appointment with a new therapist today. There's something screwy going on with my insurance, though. When I spoke to them, they told me it was going to be one price, but when the therapist spoke with them today, it was a different price. So, we'll see. I really can't afford to see her more than, well...more than once a MONTH at her price, and she feels like it is best to meet once a week. I did feel very comfortable with her, and she was very active and engaged with me. She also validated a lot of the things I said that were not validated by the other therapist. And it's not that I want someone to just agree with everything I say, but there are certain areas where I just need support rather than confrontation. So, I'm going to see her again tomorrow, and we'll see what happens from there. I feel like I can do homework or whatever, and I feel like I can examine things on my own in the off weeks. I also don't have TIME to see a therapist once a week. It's just too much for me. But...again...we'll see. Maybe I'm more in need of therapy than I'm giving myself credit for.

Something occured to me, too, on my way to pick up the kids from k8's house. Something that I think is kind of major. For one thing, both of the therapists I have seen in the past month have used the word "neglectful" to describe my mother. In other words, they both said that I was neglected. This brings me nearly to tears. I think one of my major roadblocks has always been that I have an urge to be forgiving of my mother, and yet I feel like if my mother was neglectful of me, there has to be some sort of confrontation between us so we can "work it out" and put it behind us.

Well, what I realized when I was going to pick up the kids from k8's house was that I don't HAVE to confront anyone. I can just live with the knowledge of that in my past and figure out how to prevent it from hindering me in the present. I can learn to appreciate my relationship with my mother for what it is...to except the boundaries that she sets forth, and to establish my own boundaries...and just move forward.

Wow. This was major. Maybe it doesn't SEEM like a big deal, but it feels like a load off to me.

So, I got to talk to k8 for a little while while the kids all watched Magic School Bus. It's always nice to talk to k8. So often her house is a crowd of people, and I don't always enjoy hanging out with 5 or 6 other people all at once (although sometimes I enjoy the hell out of it). I guess I just like talking with k8 one on one. She's pretty special.

M's been acting kind of strange all day. We were playing a game this afternoon where we were all in a spaceship (under the blanket) and it was a time machine spaceship and we ended up in the land of the dinosaurs. Then M was pretending to be a dinosaur. First he was pretending to be a baby dinosaur who wanted his mama. So C helped him find his mama and he ran off. Then M, as the baby dinosaur, came back and said he decided he wanted his papa, instead. I thought it was kind of an interesting thing to incorporate into the game considering all that has been going on, but he's still not really talking about anything to me. I feel like I need to give him the space to talk when he feels like it, but I'm also feeling like he might be holding a little too much in for whatever reason. So perhaps more make-believey games are in order, where he can express some of his anxiety through play. Maybe that feels more safe to him.

The good thing is that I really feel that the environment has significantly improved my mood with the children. I feel like we are much more productive, and that it's more fluid through the day. It's nice.

Anyway, I'm having a difficult time staying on track, so I better just publish this and maybe put my head down for a little while.

Oh, AND I want a puppy.

August 27, 2003

It makes no logical sense whatsoever, but I am desperately wanting to get M the puppy he has been asking for for years now. I even went to the pound yesterday on my way to work, and there were so many adorable dogs there. I had my eye on one of a litter of catahoula pups who had one blue eye. But M wants a "little black yapper." There were lots of black lab pups. I don't know what would please him. Maybe I'll just adopt TWO dogs.

hahahahaha

Oh, and I also saw two rabbits and a couple of cats that I liked.

Can I afford to adopt any of these pets right now? No. But I'm justifying this desire by telling myself it's opportune now because L is watching the kids at my house, and will be able to assist with puppy potty training. (I say this without having consulted with L at all, which I'm sure he would say is the entire reason we could not get along.)

Anyway, unreasonable desires and screaming children. I have to go get this small demaning one his oatmeal, even though I know it's not cooled down enough.

Update on MY emotional temperature.

August 27, 2003

I'm sure I dreamed all night about the situation, about separation, about crushed dreams. One thing that L has said to me popped into my brain last night and would not leave. It was just one of those indications of how very different our ideas about marriage are/were and why it was so painful for me...for both of us...to try to live with each other. It was something about how he knew plenty of couples where the husband and wife didn't talk to each other at all - and they weren't getting divorced.

I guess he never realized that I actually liked talking to him and hanging out with him when we used to talk and hang out. Perhaps that is partially my fault for not expressing it in a way that he understood...but either way, it certainly was not desirable to stay in a relationship with someone who could not believe that I liked him or found it acceptable for us to dislike each other to the point of not talking to each other.

I'm a fairly solitary person. I enjoy...I CHERISH being alone. I would much, much rather be alone than to have to live with someone I want to talk to, but can't. It was painful living that way, and although the transition is painful at times, too, it's nowhere near what I was experiencing having him walk through the house, stand in the same room with me, play with the children, talk on the phone, and do all of these things without speaking a single word to me. I think I've already been through the real pain, and now it's just an adjustment to the realization that I've given up on ever recovering the relationship we once had.

And being alone is totally ok with me right now. Kidding about crushes and short bouts of boy-craziness aside, I really prefer to not "look" and I've always been content with my time between relationships. In fact, I met L at a time when I was really enjoying my solitary life, and I probably allowed that relationship to prematurely interrupt my luxurious alone time. So, I definitely don't have the frantic urge to "find someone."

C cried last night when L left for the night. M clung to him. It's odd because the amount that they interact with him has not changed much at all for them - if at all - but they still feel his absence. The difference is that he never had difficulty relating to them and talking to them, so they don't share my feelings of relief that he's gone. They are doing OK, though. They are really doing OK.

I have my first appointment with a new therapist today. I honestly don't know what to say to her. I'm not even sure if I want to be in therapy now. I feel like I'm adjusting OK, and that I have friends to talk to when I need to. It can't hurt to talk to someone else, but it's so tiresome trying to find the right person for me that I'd really rather just...not expend the energy right now. Perhaps this is part of my desire to remain solitary for a time, to not have to invest in new relationships. To strengthen my relationship with myself. I don't want to have to explain it all over again to someone new. I just want to acknowledge what has happened and face forward...and move in that direction.

Homeschool dilemma.

August 26, 2003

I'm still trying to figure out if I want to go ahead and get the Oak Meadow 1st
grade materials. I know I can skip the story books (I can check most of them out from the library) and I can probably skip the fairy tales (fairy tales are also abundant at the library.) I'm also figuring I can skip the "Word Family Reader" since Monk is already reading at what appears to be a 5th grade level (which I know would chap the ass of any true Waldorf person, but whatevah.) Which means that with everything else, including shipping, I'll be spending about 250 bux. That's a lot of dough, and the curriculum doesn't really do much more than I'm already doing, but it sure is nice to have something to fall back on when planning the week, and I know that the other parent wants a bit more structure.

Bah (which is, apparently, the word for the day)! I don't want to spend that much money, but I do like the idea of having everything right there for me.

I guess I'll just have to see how much money I HAVE, and then figure out if I even CAN spend that much money. Or maybe I can hit my mom up for money. Or maybe I could see about doing some babysitting.

Or maybe I could just make things up as I go along.

I hate this decision-making crap.

bah!

August 26, 2003

I've tried to write 2 entries today about topics that require a fair bit of concentration to write about, and I have been interrupted pretty constantly the entire time I have been sitting here. I usually give myself until 9 AM to write stuff before I become fulfiller of all needs around here, but apparently the other little people in the fiefdom have other ideas today.

So, excuse me if there is no new content, other than this thinly-veiled attempt to bitch about my demanding children (who, by the way, have suddenly and inexplicably made themselves scarce...are they plotting something?)

So, things to write about later:

• blogging and activism and the digital divide
• phpnuke fun!
• segregation of parenting issues
• Gatto and Harper's Magazine

In the meantime, does anyone know any good jokes?

I hope Sally doesn't mind that this totally made me laugh out loud.

August 25, 2003

Thanks to Jim at the Burnt Orange report for pointing out this obituary. And I would like to thank the late Sally Baron for introducing me to the term "whistle ass."

pahahahahaha.

Swimming in memories.

August 25, 2003

I'd like to start this post by announcing that I swam 32 laps today. They're just 25 yard laps, I think, but that's still pretty good for my second time out in over 10 years or so. I haven't had a good workout in about 4 years, either...other than walking...so I'm pretty pleased with myself.

I definitely still prefer breast stroke (shut UP!) over freestyle. Is this typical? I can't tell if I'm being a wimp because breast stroke is such an easy stroke, or if it's just my preference due to my past life as a breast-stroker. I definitely feel more of a workout in my triceps when I do breast stroke, but it's not nearly as tiring for me as freestyle, so I don't know. I'm also way better, formwise, at breast stroke. I feel like a flopping fish swimming freestyle, and I always have. I am so jealous of people who just slice through the water swimming freestyle. I have no idea what I look like when I swim, but i'm just certain that I look awkward.

At any rate, I'm remembering swim team when I was younger. Swimming every day at Olympic Pool, the indoor pool in my neighborhood. Laughing about my "indoor pool tan" of pasty white skin. Showing off on the diving boards for the cute lifeguards.

My best friend's brothers were always our swim team coaches, and I need to write to their mom and tell her that I hear their voices to this day whenever I am swimming. They remind me to look through the triangular window I'm making as I pull my breathing arm out of the water. To look back towards my armpit, rather than directly to the right. I remember the hours and hours we spend on the edge of the pool, out of the water, with them moving my legs to the correct positions for the breaststroke kick. Over and over. Flex, point, flex point. And as the legs kick, the arms thrust. Again and again. It's totally engraved in my brain. I think Mrs. H would appreciate hearing that.

I remember, too, walking home from swim team practice with J, and always being super hungry for the same thing...every single time. A salami sandwich with extra mayo. That, or hot pizza from Wayne's. I remember the special way those things tasted after swimming, the smell of chlorine still all over my clothes, body, and hair.

I remember the competition, too. The sick feeling in my stomach when I had to wake up at 5 in the morning to get myself to the competing pool. The annual city meet and all of the people. The warm up laps. The shock of cold water. The Jell-0 that we used to eat right out of the package, fingers red or purple or orange from spooning the sugar from package to mouth over and over and over again. To give us energy.

It's good to be swimming again. I felt so apprehensive when I jumped in the water today, knowing I only had about half an hour to spend and not feeling like there was going to be any benefit in that half an hour. The first couple of laps were nice, then it got torturous for a few laps, then I concentrated on taking it easy, doing the stroke the way it was most relaxing and comfortable for me...trying to go as slowly as possible. And I got a second wind at one point and thought I could maybe swim forever.

But then it started thundering and we all had to get out of the pool. I felt weaker when I got out of the water. More tired than I had been while I was swimming. And I'm certain that I will sleep well tonight.

You'll never win...

August 25, 2003

Permanent crush status for anyone who can guess what song my new subtitle is lifted from. Extra super heavy duty crush status for anyone who can snag me a copy of the LP - mine got stolen by a disgruntled roommate many years ago, and I only have a taped recording of it.

Hint: It's an obscure song from an obscure Chicago band, circa late '80's. Obscure does not mean that it doesn't rock, though. It was one of my favorite bands and remains one of my favorite songs and favorite albums of all time.

Two new words

August 25, 2003

"triangugle" =triangle in C-eze

"prevariously" =previously in M-eze

Feel free to use this words in whatever context you see fit. Here are some examples:

"Look at the byoo-tee-fuw triangugle, mama!" (spoken as the beautiful triangle in question is hurled across the living room.)

"I want to hear the song prevarious to that - or at least play some rock and roll!"

Imperial Racist Fantasies

August 25, 2003

The Black Commentator is by far one of the best sources for critical analysis of our government's policies. This article does not disappoint:

In a similar vein, proclamations of that renowned British statesman, Winston Churchill, must be seen in the pre-correctness era and transported to present day realities to appreciate the nature of racist American foreign policy initiatives. Churchill declared: "I am strongly in favor of using poisoned gas against uncivilized tribes. I do not admit for instance, that a great wrong has been done to the Red Indians of America or the black people of Australia. I do not admit that a wrong has been done to these people by the fact that a stronger race, a higher-grade race, a more worldly wise race to put it that way, has come in and taken their place." In fact present American foreign policy initiatives with British backing are an accurate reflection of these sentiments, considering the death and destruction they have wrought on peoples of Latin America, Africa and Asia.

While such verbal violence is no longer fashionable or permissible in politically correct times, occasional Freudian slips will continue to be made. Here is one by Mr. Blair, the British Prime Minister, in his recent address to the U.S. Congress: 'The risk is that terrorism and states developing weapons of mass destruction come together.' Well, as far as is known, none have been found in Iraq and as to where they are truly located and who actually owns them, no expertise is required to identify them. Using this logic then, if states developing WMDs are on their way to terrorism, those that have enough stockpiles of them to destroy the world several times over must be highly accomplished terrorists themselves. As one Iraqi put it in the aftermath of the handling of the bodies of Saddam's sons and the escalating resistance against occupation, 'But the Americans are criminals and unbelievers. We got rid of one tyrant and we ended up with a bigger one.'

Another Iraqi, reacting to the killing of four unarmed countrymen, said (on public radio) that he had witnessed dogs being rescued on American TV that received better treatment than Iraqis. My, oh my, are we in familiar territory or what? Perhaps political incorrectness might after all have some merit.

You can play a freaking drinking game listening to the media slip with various racist remarks. Last night, the commentators were actually SMILING as they said "more terrorist attacks in Iraq, but this time Americans were not the targets!"

Yay team! The war has evolved, and now our allies within the occupied state are targeted rather than us! White people win again!

Still more on our governments' support of the troops.

August 25, 2003

I'm glad the people filing this law suit have decided to stop following orders and start demanding what is rightfully theirs.

It's those links attorneys Gary Pitts and Kenneth McCallion will address. Maintaining "companies and banks have not yet had any negative consequences for helping Saddam Hussein build his chemical weapons of mass destruction," Pitts and McCallion claim the lawsuit is not only "to seek just compensation for the poisoned veterans and their birth-defected children, it is to deter companies from engaging in this kind of behavior in the future."

And in light of today's conflict in Iraq, the lawsuit's implications are both broad-reaching and ominous. At least 100 Gulf War II troops have already contracted a "mystery" pneumonia-like illness the U.S. Department of Defense can't properly diagnose, and the families of soldiers based in Iraq are demanding answers. Michael Neusche describes how his 20-year-old son Josh, a former track star from Missouri, wrote home from active duty in Iraq on June 26 saying would be doing a secretive "hauling" mission. By July 1 Josh had fallen into a coma; the military promptly reclassified Josh as "medically retired," thus stripping him and his family of entitlements, and on July 12th Josh died from what the Pentagon called "other causes."

A Mission to Uranus

August 25, 2003

M has a set of encyclopedias his father gave him. He likes to read them. Actually, he likes to think of things to look up like "fart" and "barf," and then he goes to the appropriate volume and ends up getting distracted by other articles.

Last night, we were perusing the U-V book for VOMIT, and we found Uranus. Monk insisted I read. I got to the line that said "Uranus can barely be seen with the naked eye." and I lost it. I could NOT stop laughing. I'm not sure if M gets the whole "uranus" thing yet, but both of us were laughing and laughing. I bravely tried to read on, but after "Uranus is believed to have a diameter of 32,000 miles..." and then, the clincher, "It is thought by scientists that Uranus may be in a partially gaseous condition." I was unable to read any further.

"Mom! Keep reading! I want to learn more about Uranus!"

Bahahahaha. OK, I'll try: "Uranus has great power to reflect light!" hahahahahaha.

"Why are you laughing, mom?" Says M, laughing with me.

"Uranus has five satellites, or "moons." heh heh.

And so on.

Don't you wish YOU had a mother as mature as me?

M on Prayer

August 24, 2003

We just got home from church, and I had this conversation with M:

mama: So, what'd you think? Did you have fun?
m: Yeah. At least it's not the kind of church where you have to PRAY.
mama: Oh, yeah? Why?
m: Because I'd probably pray to the Greek gods or something. I like them the best.

Happy Anniversary

August 24, 2003

Busy day, productive day. I've only stopped to feel my breath catch in my throat a few times as I heard myself whisper "happy anniversary." And didn't have the heart to say it out loud.

L has been mellow...anger subsiding perhaps. We are able to have short conversations without sneers or starts. I'm glad about this. Last night, it hit M suddenly. M was watching L carry his computer out to his friend's car and said "Why is daddy doing that?" and I paused, a little startled, after all that M has said about understanding that daddy will be going and acting OK about it. Of course, I know/knew there is something going on inside him that he is just unable to express. But I said, as casually as I could "Papa is moving out, M...remember we talked about this?" and M's little jaw shifted back and forth like how it does when he is about to cry...and I asked him "Are you feeling sad about that?" as C babbled in his car seat. M shook his head yes, brimming over a little, and I touched his arm and said "It's ok to be sad, and it's ok to be angry and if you feel like you need to cry, it's ok to cry. In fact, you are always welcome to come to me if you need someone cry with, because I feel like crying, too." That seemed to help him a bit. I can tell there is a lot there. At that point, he was sitting in the back seat and he laughed, saying he couldn't come to me because he can't walk when he's in the car. He laughed, but I know there's so much more there.

But we had a good night hanging out at k8's with an entire tribe of children and fun inside/outside/in sprinkler/watching movie while k8 and I talked and laughed and I didn't even cry once.

This morning's adventure was great for me, and I will have to make a separate post about it. I skipped the drum circle, because M said "is that some protest thing? Because I don't want to do it if it's about peace." and I had to laugh and it was too hot besides. Now I'm trying to talk myself out of going to church because L is gone again and I'm feeling like being here in my house and listening to music while the children play. But I will go anyway, and have fun, and find out about this campfire group that I heard about, and then come home and dance around the empty house with my children.

So, I guess it's a pretty happy anniversary anyway.

loose tooth

August 24, 2003

Monk's about to lose his first tooth, which is very exciting...

How much money is the tooth fairy doling out these days?

Travel Tunes

August 24, 2003

It just occurred to me that I have sorely neglected the road trip recap. I'm hoping to get back to it soon. In the meantime, both Bellis and Nicole have posted about travel music, so I figure now is as good a time as any to transcribe my scrawled notes about the soundtrack for the DC trip. Basically, I brought my whole MP3/WMA collection with me, and set the player on shuffle, and madly scribbled the names of the best travel songs as I was driving. Don't try this at home, kids. I'm hoping to make this into my Autumn Crush Mix - at least some of the songs, anyway. And I'm hoping to make liner notes once I compile them all. For now, I just have song titles and band names.

Anyway, here goes:

• Jets To Brazil - Little Light
• Nick Cave - Do You Love Me?
• Place of Power (from the Circle Round and Sing CD)
• Coltrane - Locomotion
• Cletus - Product
• Annie Lennox - Train in Vain
• De La Soul - All Good
• Buzzcocks - I Need
• Push - Strange World
• Lords of the New Church - Live for Today
• REM - The Great Beyond
• Moby - East Side
• Goo Goo Dolls - American Girl
• Social Distortion - Ring of Fire
• Violent Femmes - Good Feeling
• Tracy Chapman - Fast Car
• Handsome Family - Winnebago Skeletons
• Nick Cave - Sadly By Her Side
• PJ Harvey - The Garden
• Lanterna - Silent Hills
• Cibo Matto - Working for Vacation
• Handsome Family - House Carpenter
• Leonard Cohen - No Way To Say Goodbye
• PJ Harvey - Perfect Day
• PJ Harvey - The Wind
• Jawbreaker - Into you Like a Train
• Rites of Spring - For Want Of
• Public Enemy - Rebel w/o a Pause
• Fugazi - Witness Protection
• Stiff Little Fingers - Wasted Life
• Shonen Knife - Tower of the Sun
• De La Soul - Held Down
• T Rex - Ride the White Swan
• Cat Power - Fate of the Human Carbine
• Violent Femmes - Gone Daddy Gone
• Buzzcocks - Fast Cars
• Bob Dylan - Tangled up in Blue
• Cat Power - Schizophrenia's Weight
• Howard Jones - Life in One Day
• Throwing Muses - Saving Grace
• Gun Club - Go Tell The Mountain
• Dirty 3 - Backwards Voyage
• Cash and CAve - So Lonesome I Could Die
• Tears For Fears - Mad World
• Shonen Knife - I wanna Be Sedated
• Nappy Roots - Aww Naww
• Green Day - Minority
• Abba - Eagle
• Cake - I Will Survive
• Michael Franti - Oh My God
• Atom and his Package - Washington Redskins
• Thelonious Monk - Bemsha Swing
• Bob Marley - Everything Gonna Be Alright
• Joy Division - Dead Souls
• Sonic Youth - Cross the Breeze
• Bob Marley - This Train
• Jimmy Cliff - I Can See Clearly Now
• 10,000 Maniacs - City of Angels
• Jimmy Cliff - Hard Road To Travel
• u2 - A Sort of Homecoming
• U2 - Bad
• Love and Rockets - American Dream
• Duran Duran - Ordinary World
• Missing Persons - Destination Unknown
• New Order - True Faith
• Jesus and Mary Chain - Far Gone & Out

phew!

Things my mother does that I thought I would never ever do...and now I'm doing them.

August 23, 2003

Ladies and gentlemen, I just caught myself scratching my back with a fork.

Comfort me. What did YOUR mother do that you never thought you would do...and now YOU'RE doing it?

Don't leave me hanging.

An EXCELLENT article about the so-called obesity "epidemic"

August 23, 2003

Thanks to ms. polka for this one:

it's a strange epidemic that finds those exposed to it living longer, healthier lives than ever before. Yet, that's exactly what Department of Health and Human Services statistics show, even as the population is getting fatter and simultaneously aging. Given that the NIH and WHO have claimed obesity is second only to smoking as a preventable cause of death, then increases in adult obesity should have a negative impact on life expectancy, Ernsberger noted. "The opposite is true. Death rates have fallen. The greatest improvements are in cardiovascular disease deaths, which are most strongly linked to obesity," he said. "The decline in age-related mortality for stroke is 59 percent from 1970 to 1994; for heart disease, 53.2 percent."

As for the $93 billion [to $117 billion, depending on whose figures you want to use] "costs" of obesity? Mere hype. With doctors, researchers and politicians attributing everything that happens to fat people as the fault of their fatness, medical expenses for all of their health problems are included, Glenn Gaesser, Ph.D., associate professor of exercise physiology at the University of Virginia, has noted. A closer look reveals these dollar cost estimates also tally ambiguous tabs of "reduced productivity," absenteeism, higher insurance premiums, litigation and even the ineffective weight loss treatments they themselves promote.

Gratitude

August 23, 2003

I'm really starting to enjoy my Friday nights. Most of the time I go to my friend M's house. She and her husband make the best food, and we watch Moyers and talk shit. They have a little boy who is about 3 weeks younger than C, and the kids all play together. Last night they were all insanely loud, and it kind of put me on edge, but I think everyone had a good time anyway.

I'm so thankful for all of the supportive words that I've heard and read throughout this whole ordeal. It's been hard. Harder than I've been able to express in the blog, because there are details that I don't feel comfortable sharing publically. And it's so nice to be able to wake up in the morning to do my writing, and first read 3 or 4 nice things that people have written. Simple things. Supportive things.

I have a headache right now that I'm hoping a nice, stiff cup of coffee will cure. I didn't have any caffeine yesterday, and I almost fell asleep driving Susan home. Sorry I was so untalkative, Susan! It wasn't you. It just hit me all of a sudden when we were driving home, and I realized I had not slept much the night before, and the swimming and the no caffeine having really got to me. I had no trouble sleeping last night at all. And neither did M or C.

Today it's work, and then I'm coming home to watch the kids while L moves. Tomorrow, I'm attending a meeting for MAIN (I hope - we'll see how I feel. I really don't want to bring the kids, but i'm kind of doubting that L will watch them for me) then the drumming thing, then I just got an e-mail about a campfire group that's forming at the UU church, so I'll probably go to that meeting if M's interested in joining. Of course, I'll have to work with L on that, too...since he might have to bring M to the meetings if they are in the evening while I am at work. We'll see.

A busy weekend, which is probably good. It's weird how empty it is without him here. I like it, but...it's empty.

My anniversary present.

August 22, 2003

Like I said earlier, This coming Sunday was to be my 7th wedding anniversary. I felt like I needed to mark the occasion, and I was going to buy myself a ring, but instead I bought a little portable stereo for my room so I can listen to music in there and play music for C when he goes to sleep. It has a remote, and I don't like jewelry anyway.

L came over to watch the kids today, and I went out. I got my present for myself, and then I grabbed a little snack at Whole Foods, and then I went swimming.

I've been thinking about swimming laps for a long time. I remember long summers of swim team and kathunk kathunk kathunking from one end of the pool to the other. I remember competitions where I would hear the crowd cheering when I came up for air, and the rest of the time all I could hear was the soothing sound of my body slicing through the water. I miss swimming. I remember going to the indoor pool when the windchill factor was -57 degrees, and hanging out in the sauna before being picked up by my best friend's mom and eating hot Wayne's pizza. I remember these things, and I think the water might be comforting.

I also remember the first time (and last time) L and I traveled together. We drove out the Athens, GA to move a friend of mine back to Austin, and we went swimming in the Gulf in Pensacola. L told me I was like a little fish, and we laughed and he really loved me. Damnit. He used to.

So it was good to go to the pool. I got in and swam ten or so laps. I'm horribly out of shape right now, but I'm looking forward to building up. The pool is open until September 14th, and I've already decided that I'm going to go swimming every chance I get until that day. I can go before work if I leave here right when L gets here, and still make it to work on time, particularly in the next 2 weeks, since we don't have classes. And I'm hoping that by the time the pool closes, I will have a membership at the "Y" and I can start swimming there.

It was soothing to swim. Comforting. I let the water embrace me. I listened to the kathunk kathunk. I have a difficult time swimming slowly and pacing myself - I need to work on that. I might get myself a kickboard, but I think my arms need more work right now anyway. It was nice to get in the water. I feel tired in that refreshing kind of way that happens after a workout - particularly after a new kind of workout. I'm looking forward to swimming again tomorrow if I can.

The River
PJ Harvey

and they came to the river
and they came from the road
and he wanted the sun
just to call his own
and they walked on the dirt
and they walked from the road
'til they came up close
Throw your pain in the river
To be washed away slow
and we walked without words
and we walked with our lives
two silent birds
circled by
Like our pain in the river
and we followed the river
and we followed the road
and we walked through this land
and we called it a home
but he wanted the sun
and I wanted the whole
and the white light scatters
and the sun sets low
Like the pain in the river

Good Morning.

August 22, 2003

Along the same lines as the "when you die, I get to have all yr stuff" thing, this morning, I was kind of checking m's emotional temperature about papa not living here anymore. He said "Well, at least we get to use his room as a playroom."

Now how the hell can I be all morose when he's saying stuff like that?

(oh, and C let me sleep in until almost nine - which gave me SIX HOURS of sleep. yahoo!)

insomnia

August 22, 2003

I guess it's no wonder that I can't sleep. I've watched a movie, burned some candles, taken a lavender bath, cried a lot, soothed C back to sleep, found the videos that need to be returned to the library, cried some more, contemplated things that I probably shouldn't contemplate on no sleep...and here I am.

I'm not sure what I was hoping to find here at this hour of the morning. Everything looks about the same as how it will look about 5 hours from now when the children wake up and want me to serve them. But there's something about this blank screen. Something that makes me want to make words to fill it up, even though I really don't have any words. I want to be able to stare at the blank screen and magically cause all of my feelings to appear on the page without having to put forth any effort. Because all the effort in the world only makes it all sound trite and benign.

But here's a taste...I'm thinking about all of the things that I ever did wrong in my relationship with L. Every last little thing. I'm thinking about the things that were said today and about how so much of it hurt, but how it was also interesting to finally hear L express his feelings. How strange it was that he can't do so unless there's an audience other than me. I'm thinking about how very weird and other worldly things have been around here for so long. I'm remembering all of the hopes I've harbored that things will just magically snap back to order. I'm remembering sweet little things...they were so long ago.

And I'm thinking that I've saved up about two years or so worth of mourning for this very moment. I've been too busy trying desperately to look for the one positive aspect of the relationship to cling to to make it work between us to realize that it was all hopelessly lost. I'm trying to remember the last time I was comforted when I was sad - or even the last time I was able to express sadness...or even the last time I've been able to express and share joy. It's been a long damn time.

And still there's this wretched empathy. The little tentacles in me that want to reach out and soothe. I want to think that I can redirect that, but what I worry is that I've been frustrated and shunned for so long that I'm too injured to do much of anything.

I'm worried about my children hearing me cry. How can I explain to them that this decision was to make me happier, when all I can do right now is feel and express sadness? How are they going to get that? I know I won't feel this way forever, but it feels neverending to me.

And I'm wanting sleep - if only to break the monotony. I'm wanting to be able to lie down on my pillow and not think.

And I'm watching this animated gif on pamama's livejournal page. Something about seeing an inked mama giving birth over and over again is soothing to me. Something about catching that which drops out of me and drawing it near. Something about the repitition...is soothing to me.

Do I Want wimminandminorities.com?

August 21, 2003

The lovely and talented ms. liz has asked me if I would like to take over the wonderful domain wimminandminorities dot com. Would I? I dunno. Are there any wimminandminorities out there who would like to participate in said domain? I would love to get it going again, because there were many who were participating who I respected...and there are many who can participate who I respect.

Anyone game? I dunno if I would need someone to do a design or anything, and I don't know how active I would be in promoting and posting...but I would definitely do my best to keep things running if I had some help and interested/ing participants.

Let me know.

By the way: I still have not forgotten about the radical homeschool blog or clothespins for the revolution. I'm still looking for someone to redesign the homeschool blog, and I'm trying to figure out how to position clothespins for the revolution so I'm not duplicating the efforts of sustenance and living on less - I'm considering making it more web-ziney and metabloggy. And I would like to remind my fellow recipe bloggers to start posting good recipes because I'm about to start making macaroni and cheese every day. I am hoping to resume my work on these things once I have adjusted to my new life, new schedule, new...everything. Thanks for your patience.

Mediation

August 21, 2003

I'm pleased to report that mediation was relatively painless. I felt the mediators were very helpful in moving both of us away from conflict and toward resolution, and I'm pretty happy with the agreement that we drafted. It's a temporary agreement, pending circumstantial changes, but I think it suits all of us as well as any of us would hope to be suited in this situation.

I'm feeling all roller-coastery. I'm relieved that we have resolved what I felt were the most pressing issues, and yet...I'm mourning. Even though the relationship has been over for a long time for me, I'm feeling very sad right now. I very much wish there were other options for us. In the car on the way there and on the way back, I kept wishing there was something I could say to comfort L, even though I know he's not trustful or comforted by anything I do for or say to him. And I know I wish I could be comforted, too.

There were doubts expressed that mediation would not work, but I think we both did an excellent job, and at least I feel the end result is something that is pretty fair. It's not entirely what I wanted, and it's not entirely what he wanted, but I think it's a workable solution for the time being. And the process of mediation was so much more peaceful than what I imagine a divorce proceeding or separation proceeding to be like. Both of us were able to disuss our needs and devise a mutually beneficial solution.

I talked to my mom when it was all over, and I cried. I'm still crying. In spite of (or maybe because of) everything, I do care about L a great deal. I'm so sad that we were unable to work things out between us so we could stay together. I know that I have had to maintain a level of aloofness towards him that has been uncomfortable to me, because I do feel a great deal of empathy for him, but I also felt that empathy was getting in the way of figuring out what I needed for myself. I am hoping that over time we will both be able to uncover the real feelings we have for each other, whatever those feelings might be, and perhaps form a different kind of bond with the focus of caring for our children and perhaps caring about each other in a more independent way.

I don't know how realistic that is, but that's what I'm hoping for. I'm not talking about resuming anything resembling our old relationship, or even being in a romantic relationship at all, but rather being able to truly recognize the qualities within each other that we cherish, and concentrating on those qualities in order to cultivate a friendship or at least a mutually-respectful co-parenting relationship that benefits the children and each other.

A woman can dream, right?

Anyway, I'm going to treat myself to a little independence day gift of some sort. I'm feeling so, so blue right now, I'm almost afraid to venture out of the office. I keep bursting into tears at inopportune moments. I know that, for the most part, this is what I've wanted...but I just wish it had never come to this at all. And when I think of those two sweet boys and the disruption this could potentially cause...I just lose it.

But I have to remind myself that I can't sacrifice myself entirely for their well-being. This has been a well-thought out decision on my part, and if everyone continues to proceed with the children's best interests in mind...we will do OK.

C is driving me CRAZY. BUT, if I want your help, I'll ask for it. Damnit.

August 21, 2003

So far, in the hour that we have been awake, he has: dumped water all over the floor, pulled blueberries, watermelon, and cheese out of the fridge, demanded that I feed him all of them, and spit each out after the first bite, taken 2 graham crackers, thrown them on the floor and stomped on them, upended the salt shaker into his mouth, and he just walked away from the fridge with the container of mustard in his hands. All of this has occurred while I was making pancakes for breakfast, and I want you to take special note that he has not eaten any of the food he has demanded.

I'm growing very impatient with his antics. Yesterday at co-op, he threw a screaming fit for the entire last hour. He would calm down for a little while, but as soon as someone committed a perceived wrong against him, he would start up again. The co-op mamas were all offering him water and food and solutions solutions solutions, and I'm afraid that, while water and food can cause a temporary reprieve, there really isn't a solution. For whatever reason, sometimes he feels that he just needs to cry for an hour, and while that can be temporarily delayed, it's going to happen, regardless.

Which brings me to good intentions. I love my co-op mamas, but I'm really feeling like the dysfunctional one in a bad way. It was bad enough when I was the low-income mama, but now I'm low-income, divorcing mama...and I feel like the pity poster child. I totally snapped at mama M a week ago, because I walked up the steps into our area, and I was irritated about something that had just happened, and one of the mama M, with all good intentions, said "Are you ok?" which is something that I've been hearing from her a lot lately - that, and "you look tired." - I mean, more than I ever got when I was pregnant.

And while I totally understand that there are good intentions behind it, it's just so...not uplifting! hahaha. I like to think that I'm holding things together pretty well, and I also like to think that I'm pretty good about asking for help when I absolutely need it. I guess I also like to think that I deserve to keep things to myself when I feel that's warranted, and it's sometimes almost always a pain in the ass to have people inquiring about my state of mind.

When the mama M asked me if I was OK last week, I kind of snapped at her. I think I said something like "You ask me that every. single. time. I see you." and I tried to soften it with a feeble grin, but it was apparent that I was a bit perturbed. She approached me later and apologized for it, and I think she understood. I know, I KNOW they are all just trying to help, and I know I probably need more help than I am willing to accept, and I KNOW I should be thankful for the help everyone is willing to offer...but really I just want to be left alone sometimes. Sometimes I just don't want to think of myself as the mama whose life is falling apart. Sometimes I don't even want to think of myself as the mama who is strong in spite of everything that is happening. Sometimes I just. want. to. be. the mama. The woman. Me.

Drums Around the World

August 20, 2003

This looks like an interesting event:

Austin Drum Sluts Anonymous invites drummers and dancers to gather on Sunday August 24, 2-4 pm, in Ricky Guerrero Park in south Austin, to help raise energy and create magic for Drums around the World!

Drums Around the World is an annual simultaneous world-wide drumming event to send a vibration of peace and unity, through the rhythm of drums, around the world.

It's going to be a busy day for me on Sunday...which is a good thing, because it's the day that would have been my 7th wedding anniversary.

Tomorrow is the big day

August 20, 2003

Tomorrow is my first mediation session with L, and I am very, very nervous.

I have all of the logistics taken care of: the kids have a place to stay, I have some money in the bank to cover, I have my list of priorities...I'm as prepared as I can be for something like this.

I think the nervousness comes from the thought that this is really it. We are really moving towards ending the relationship. And as much as I have been looking forward to it, there is still a great deal of regret that I'm feeling. Regret that things had to come to this. Regret that nothing either of us would do could make the relationship work for either of us.

Amazingly, I don't feel regret for having become involved with him in the first place. How could I? Aside from the fact that I have two beautiful children as a direct result of my relationship with him, I also have experienced a tremendous amount of growth and gained a lot of wisdom from our years together.

I'm just really hoping that my next learning experience ends on a more positive note.

Send whatever happy good luck vibes you feel you can afford. I am going to need them.

Is it just me?

August 20, 2003