Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: August 2003 Archives

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a boy and his dog

August 31, 2003

It's been an oddly hectic day. I found myself losing my temper early in the afternoon, and it was difficult to recover. I'm having a difficult time dealing with M's constant tattling about benign stuff that C is doing. That and the whining drive me over the edge, and I shouldn't let it.

But around about 3 PM - Monk's dog arrived to stay.

First I have to say that A, the person from whom we are adopting the dog, has to be one of the sweetest men I've met in a long time. I could tell he was really conflicted about losing his pet. He kept making little whining noises in the back of his throat. It was adorable. He's pretty happy that Bailey will be living in a house with a yard, though, and I was sure to reassure him that M, who will be Bailey's new caretaker, is a very responsible 6 year old who has been in charge of the basic needs of all of our pets for months now. He feeds and waters everyone in the morning, and is a sweet, loving boy.

So A brought over Bailey's supplies. Some ear treatment, flea treatment, a big doghouse, leash, a book about making your dog laugh, and the cutest little sweater.

Yes. I now live with a dog who has a sweater. A says she also has a suede vest that he can't believe he actually bought for 30 bux. He says he'll send it to me when he unpacks.

Meanwhile, Bailey sniffed around the yard and hung out. And Twyla was totally jealous, but curious - and not appearing to be aggressive.

I felt bad for wanting A to leave, but the kids were kind of driving me crazy outside running around, and I wanted us all to adjust to the new family member. I told A that I would definitely e-mail him and send pictures and keep him updated on Bailey's life as much as he felt he needed, and then he left.

Unfortunately, he also left the gate unlatched, which caused a major heart attack for me when I lost track of the dog and MY 2-YEAR OLD for about 2 minutes, and ran outside to find the gate wide open and a concerned neighbor holding the hand of C, who had wandered out into the road.

Damnit that was fucking scary. Never never never ever again do I ever want to experience that. When I first walked out, I just saw the woman, and I thought she was going to tell me that she had run him over or something. But he was there, and he seemed OK until I picked him up and he could see that I was visibly shaken. Then he started to cry, and it took him a good 15 minutes to calm down, by which time I was also crying to release the stress of having experienced all of that in such a short span of time.

I'm really REALLY hoping he has learned his lesson about wandering out of the gate...but even if he hasn't, it's not typical for the gate to be unlatched, and it's not really typical for him to be out there alone. It just so happened that M and I were distracted - filling Bailey's food dish or something - and no one was out there with him...

At any rate, he was OK, and the dog was OK, and we finally all came back into the house to settle down.

A had warned us that Bailey would probably whine when he left, and she did. M was so cute - relating in the matter of having lost a family member and feeling sad about it - he was comforting Bailey by saying almost the exact same things I have told him when he has expressed sadness about the fact that his papa doesn't live here any more. C offered the dog his sippy cup, as well as a good deal of empathy. And it didn't take long for the dog to realize that the children wouldn't leave her alone as long as she was expressing sadness, so she stopped whining and flopped in a forlorn heap on the floor.

And we all kind of went about our day with a little more fullness now that there was a new family member to acquaint ourselves with. I still don't have any pictures, but she's very very cute.

At around 6, we got all dressed up and took the dog for a walk to the grocery store to pick up something easy to eat for dinner, and some juice for the kids. M was in charge of the leash, and he was so cute. Not wanting to pull the dog too hard, he was running to keep up with her and maintain slack in the leash.

It helps to pay attention...to really NOTICE these things that make the children so precious. Like the way C is always standing on his head and the way M seems to have a sense for animals and their space...because these are the things that explain the other things that maybe aren't so pleasant about the children. Like the way C NEEDS to be cuddled 24 hours a day (thus standing on his head in my lap, kicking my ribs with his pointed toes) and the way M sometimes forgets to think about the space that *I* might need. I made a point later in the evening of complimenting M on his kindness and empathy towards the dog, and the way he seemed to intuitively know not to poke or hover or overly interact with her on her first night here. I assured him that if he was patient she would probably become very bonded with him. It seemed to puff him up a bit with confidence, and I was glad of that, as I had been entirely unpleasant towards both of them this morning. Blustering about thinking only of my feelings and my state of mind - not considering that they are going through difficult times right along with me.

Anyway, Bailey did well on the leash, and we all seemed to really settle into the evening. At one point, Bailey got a bit close to Twyla's food dish, and Twyla laid into her, but in spite of how awful it sounded, neither dog was injured in the slightest. I figure they are going to have to duke it out once or twice to establish who is in charge. Thankfully, Bailey does not seem interested in asserting dominance over Twyla, so I think she'll steer clear of her food dish from now on.

After that scuffle, I asked M if he would like to hang out with Bailey in his room, and he did. For the rest of the evening, he played in there with Bailey. I puttered around, cleaning up, periodically checking on them, and finally put c to bed. When i was finished with that and went to M's room to read him his story, the light was out and M was curled on the edge of the bed while Bailey luxuriated in the middle. M had put his blanket on her and had given her one of his stuffed animals for company. It was so damn adorable I almost cried.

So, yeah. I'm pleased. I'm very glad that this particular dog has come into our lives. She seems entirely safe and mellow and well-behaved. M loves her to death, as does C. Twyla will get over herself. (and M tried to appease Twyla by telling her that "Next time we go for a walk, we'll take you instead, Twyla." Even though he knows the dog can't hear.) Everything is groovy. There is peace in the valley tonight.

Posted at 11:22 PM • Comments (1)

How Refreshing

August 31, 2003

Miz Insane linked up this tarot reading site, and I just had a very refreshing tarot reading. It was truly cool. My favorite card is below:

The challenge has to do with overcoming adversity, or it may be appropriate for you to reconsider current plans.

The card in the Challenges/Opportunities position reflects how you can use creativity and skill to turn conflicts into harmonious understanding.

The Ten of Swords in this position says "Know when to cut your losses." Tap the good sense Nature gave you and let go of the situation, accepting that it cannot bear a lot of positive fruit right now. Certain lines of development are not worth following right now, no matter what promises or expectations may have been made.

There may be no advantage in traveling this road any longer. Outrageous developments have effectively negated agreements or expectations. It's like the system has crashed and the progress you thought you had made is lost. The lesson in a case like this is to know when and how to detach yourself from a situation. Don't go down with the ship ... he or she who fights and runs away will live to fight another day!

And I love this general description of this card:

The Ten of this suit represents finality, the end of something. As is easy to grasp from the picture in many decks, there is no hope for revival here. A limit has been reached, a line has been crossed and there is no turning back. In some situations this may be felt as a tragic loss, but it often brings with it a paradoxical sense of release and closure. The waiting and wondering are over. There is no more ambiguity. You can rightly let go and move on, as there is no more progress to be made here.

I suppose there is some degree of finality explicit in an image of a man with TEN FREAKING SWORDS in his back.

It was an 8-card reading, and in spite of some of the contradictions that would not happen if I was face to face with a decent tarot reader, I thought it was very interesting and thought-provoking.

Posted at 12:14 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

It's the last day of August

August 31, 2003

And i spent all of my alone time yesterday designing the world's most perfect record-keeping system for homeschooling and housework. Now I need only design the binder that will contain them and do all of the printing out and (possibly) laminating.

Someone. please. stop me.

I have also ordered all of our supplies for the fall, including some used books, software, and art supplies. I think I might get C a tricycle (the kind with the big handle coming off the back) and M a bicycle with training wheels. I just need to do some shopping around at the various thrift stores and garage sales and other places until I find them. I feel like a horrible mom because I have never really pushed bike-riding on M, but C is now old enough, I think, to kind of ride along with us, so it'll be easier once it gets cool enough to do daily walks in the morning.

Daily walks which, by the way, are on my elaborate and perfect homeschooling schedule. Is anyone else neurotic enough to want to see this plan? Let me know. I can even send you the word files if you feel like you might use them.

Seriously, somone needs to stop me. I have an hour by hour breakdown of each day from 8 until 3. It's pretty scary, particularly since I will be the only one who wants to follow that schedule. I promise I will try not to get all freaked out at the kids if they don't want to play along. Remind me of this promise, will you?

I decided that I definitely will not be getting the Oak Meadow curriculum at this time. I am going to continue to search for it used throughout the year, though. It feels better to be able to get some used bicycles, art supplies, and all that other stuff for less than the curriculum would have cost. Perhaps some other year I will be able to afford it...but not this year.

I love the change of seasons, and I'm ashamed to say it's mostly because I love the supplies that I have decided must come with the change of seasons. I don't do much shopping around these parts...I try to do it all just 4 times a year. Four times a year I change up our schedule, and four times a year I get new supplies to help facilitate this change. I don't go wild with the spending, but I do get the necessary items all at once. Homeschooling doesn't HAVE to be expensive, but I think it's good to have new fun stuff in the house for the kids to use. Even if it's new used fun stuff. And learning to ride a bike IS pretty important, right?

I try to tell myself it's all about renewal, and that's how it fits into the change of seasons, but I also know that it's all part of my addiction to consuming. Hopefully it's not terribly damaging to the children that the change of seasons have gone commercial.

I can't believe I'm so neurotic about money that I'm asking the readers of my blog to validate my spending for me. Hahahaha.

Posted at 8:52 AM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

Roller Coaster of Monk.

August 29, 2003

It has been a rough day here. It started off so well, M was being totally cool and patient, and we were really having a day. But around noon...ironically (or not) the time that I normally go out and L normally starts watching the kids (this has changed due to our new agreement. He now only watches both kids every OTHER Friday, and on alternate Fridays, like today, he takes one kid out in the evening.) M really started acting up.

It started pretty innocently. He had C and the visiting P (who is approximately C's age) in his room playing a game. The rules of the game were, of course, dictated by the much older M. Of course, however, neither of the 2 year olds were paying any attention whatsoever to M's rules, and were merely playing quietly and contentedly in whatever way they saw fit to play. This pissed M off, and he started talking to them in that high-pitched, whiny, "I'm about to explode in a fit of uncontrolled rage" voice. I tried to interrupt and redirect several times, but M just did not get that he wasn't going to get the two year olds to bend to his will, and that the two year olds weren't committing a punishable offense by not bending to his will.

I finally had to drag M kicking and screaming out of the room, because he started yelling at C and raging about the fact that C didn't play with the little dragon knights the way M wanted him to.

But it really only got worse. Basically, m acted like this all day. He had a short fuse, and he was just whining and trying my patience. For a little while, I was able to appease him by hanging out with him one-on-one while the two-year olds played contentedly, but that didn't last long, and I was happy when Megan came over to retrieve P so I could have another adult to talk to. I had anticipated it being an easy day because the morning had gone so well, but I was so wrong.

The funny thing is that neither C nor P - the TWO YEAR OLDS - made a single peep all day. They were both happy as could be, playing and getting along.

I was so frustrated with M by the time his papa came to take him out. Sigh. But when M is gone, C becomes unbearably clingy and needy, so it's not like I got any sort of break. I did manage to watch Moyers, but most of my m-less time was spent catering to C's every whim, and he had many whims without his big brother to buffer them. It's cute, though, how much he loves M. When we were getting ready to go to the store, C said "where M?" and then when I made dinner, C yelled out "M! diiiiinnnnnnerrrr!!!"

M was difficult right through story time tonight. I finally had to just turn out the lights and leave them alone in the bedroom. It's way past C's bedtime, and he's been tired since around 5 in the afternoon, but he will not go to sleep. I'm letting them have a slumber party in my room. I told them that the light was to stay out and they were to stay in the room, but that they could stay awake for as long as they wanted. Right now they are telling knock knock jokes.

I'm feeling pretty frustrated because I have a lot of non-mommy stuff that I want to write and read about, but I feel like I am way too distracted with all of this other stuff. It's TEN FREAKING THIRTY at night! We've been up since SEVEN. Why are they still awake?

Mama's tired. I'm feeling like the childcare agreement is not serving me well, nor is it serving the children well. I'm supposed to have time to myself after work tomorrow, but since L is watching the kids in my home, I'm forced to go out and do something, when all I really want to do is come home, take a bath, read a book, clean the house, mow the lawn...or just veg out in front of the TV. It's definitely better now than it was before he moved out, but there is much room for improvement in this arrangement, and I'm really tired of hearing the other person talk about how he's getting the short end of the stick.

Great. Both boys just burst out of the bedroom. I have to go resume the mommy of the year act.

Sigh. Maybe I will take Megan up on her offer to watch the kids on Sunday. I would prefer to save up my childcare favors for when I have to work, but I guess that doesn't do me any good if I'm unable to perform my functions in a calm and caring way.

UPDATE: It's always good to end things on a positive, so I thought I'd relate this story. It took me all of 5 minutes to get c to go to sleep, but M had already gone to sleep in his own room in that time. I crept into M's room after C was asleep and M was totally faking sleep. I made him giggle, and his cover was blown. Anyway, I told him he could go sleep in the big bed now that C was asleep. His reply was "OK, but carry me. I'm too tired to walk" M weighs about 60 pounds, I think. He's not light. I said OK, because I'm a buff herculean woman. I picked him up to heft him to bed, and then he says "Stop off at the bathroom." What a cutey.

So, now my big boy and little guy are peacefully co-existing in the big bed. I will get to veg for a bit, then I will clean up M's room (which is why I wanted M to sleep in the big bed in the first place) and maybe MAYBE I will get to do some writing, but I don't think so.

So it's not a totally happy ending, but I'm not feeling tense and angry anymore.

Posted at 10:39 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Something to think about this labor day weekend.

August 29, 2003

This article at AlterNet lists some alarming statistics, including:

Over the past 30 years the productivity of the people whose brain and muscle creates the wealth of the world's richest nation has grown by 66 percent. But the wage of the typical employee — the median wage — has grown by only 7 percent.
This one statistic says more than the volumes of hype and tripe that will fill the papers and the air waves on Labor Day. It encapsulates the most massive redistribution of income in American history, from the poor, from workers, from former middle classes — to the rich and the super-rich. As billionaire Warren Buffett said to ABC's Ted Koppel last month, "If it's class warfare, my class is winning."

This explains why I bang on the dashboard and yell whenever I hear one of those dumb talk radio hosts talk about how the rich don't get any government assistance or benefits for "all that money" they are being forced to "redistribute" to the "lower classes."

Fuck the rich. There's no reason why everyone in this country...in ALL countries...should have to go hungry or really need for anything while other have more than they could ever need. That's what it boils down to. You can pontificate all you want, but I've yet to hear anyone provide an adequate reason for why this could possibly be acceptable.

Brooke posts some depressing numbers, as well. I suspect I'll be reading and posting about these alarming labor statistics all weekend long.

Posted at 8:45 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Phew.

August 28, 2003

Well, I'm relieved to say that M announced tonight that he's "happy to be alive on this earth."

And he really does seem to be happy. He's thrilled that he's getting a dog, and tonight he's having a slumber party in his room with his baby brother. What a sweet kid he is. What an absolute treasure. Both of them. Gah. They are adorable.

Posted at 10:53 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Bailey the Beagle.

August 28, 2003

The lovely Susan, who comments here frequently and is someone I have the fortune to know in "real life" responded to my sudden desperate urge to acquire a new pet by telling me that a co-worker of her sister's has a pet who needs a new home.

Thus, it looks like Bailey the Beagle will soon join our household. Her human companion, who is unfortunately moving away and is unable to bring her with him, brought her by to see how she interacts with the children and the dear deaf boxer. We brought the dogs to the park so they could sniff each other on neutral ground and, while Bailey wasn't entirely pleased with Twyla, it did not appear that there would be any bloodletting, so we brought them to the backyard, where there was more sniffing, more growling, a little nipping, and much cowering between the legs by Bailey.

Bailey seems to like both of the children, and Twyla seems OK with the idea of allowing Bailey to intrude upon her space. It did not appear that either dog had a death wish for the other, so I think we're going to go for it. I think by the end of the week we will have a new canine member of the family.

I'll post pictures as soon as I am able. She's a sweetheart. Very mellow. It doesn't seem like she'll take any shit off of Twyla, but it also doesn't seem like she's likely to instigate any shit, either. And she had both kids doting on her at the same time and seemed entirely unflappable.

Yay!

But I think I still want a puppy...later. Like maybe next year or something.

Posted at 4:45 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Haven't listened to it yet...

August 28, 2003

but I thought some of you might appreciate this (scroll down a bit) talk of the nation broadcast with John Taylor Gatto.

Posted at 8:43 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

I'm not lonely...

August 28, 2003

Which is a good thing. I don't sit in my empty house and long for companionship. I don't know if it's because I'm pretty fulfilled by all of the people in my life, or that I'm so burnt out and injured that it's safer to be alone, but I don't feel lonely, and all of the longing for companionship I felt when he was here has really sort of dissipated. It's nice. At night after the kids are asleep, I tidy up the house, watch a little tv or listen to music, chat on aim. I flow from one thing to the next and I feel unencumbered. The tightness in my shoulders is slowly fading. Is swimming like self-massage? My entire back feels less tight. I feel good.

I talked to my mom last night when I got home from work. I had made a decision about money and I'm somewhat afraid of the fallout. She reassured me yet again that even though she has limited resources, she is willing to help out as much as she can. She said that when she got divorced from my father, her father died around the same time, and she felt so lost - like her whole support system had crumbled. Thankfully, I don't have to deal with the adjustment of going back to work. My job seems fairly secure, in spite of funding cutbacks and everything else. It's nice to know that I can get help if I need it. I told her I would rather wait for an emergency, and she said she'd rather I didn't wait...she'd rather I ask for help.

I'd rather she just send me a check for whatever she could afford, because while I need to money, I'm self-conscious about asking for it - I have no idea how much she can afford to send. I know this is not fair, necessarily. If I'm going to lean on her for money, I should at least have the courtesy to ask her for it, rather than just expect her to relieve my discomfort about asking and send it.

I told her that I definitely feel like a failure - a 33 year old woman who has been supporting herself since she was 18 - asking for money. Sure, she had been lax about making me pay for the car she sold me when I was 18, and she did give me a place to live for a few months when I was 20 and moved back home temporarily (which also felt like a huge, regretful, step backwards). Other than that, I have been self-sufficient this whole time.

Self-sufficient.

Wouldn't it be nice to allow someone to at least HELP with my finances for awhile? To pay for a class for the kids. To pay for a membership at the Y for me (my mom asked how much it cost, and my heart leaped, as a friend of mine's mom is paying for a membership for her and I was hoping my mom would offer to do the same).

Money. Money. Money. Money. I have so very many hang-ups about freaking MONEY.

Posted at 8:29 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Trying...not...to...be...angry

August 27, 2003

I went into m's room to say good night to him and discovered that he has once again upended ALL of his toybins. So the entire floor is COVERED with toys. He knows this is not ok, he knows I don't like it.

I know I sound like bitchy anal woman, but this isn't an "oops, made a mess" thing. I feel like he does this as a deliberate way to get into trouble. His room is not clean to begin with, I don't trifle over toys being left out on the floor. What he did tonight is dump out the entire contents of TWO BIG BINS of toys - just dumped them, did not play with them, and now his room is messy so he does not want to hang out in there or sleep in there (thankfully, his bed is clear, so he's sleeping in there anyway. Mom says.)

GRRRrrr. I've already told him that we aren't going to get to do anything fun tomorrow until the mess gets cleaned up.

Gah. This is my least favorite thing about being his mom. I am not a neat freak by any measure, but those toys are not just his toys, and when they get dumped all over his room, they become unusable to everyone.

Bitch, moan, complain, etc. I think I'm going to veg out in front of the television for awhile and then go to bed.

Posted at 10:47 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

I can barely keep my eyes open.

August 27, 2003

And I can't tell if it's because I'm tired, or if it's the chlorine. I'm sure I look VERY stoned, and it's family night at the school where I work, so I'm probably going to try to hide from the families and just work back here in my little hide-y hole.

I did 40 laps, though. I'm pretty psyched. I almost didn't go, but once I got started, it was hard to stop. I kept exceeding the little goals I would set for myself. It felt good. I feel good. Tired, but good. Exhausted, actually. I could curl up right now if I didn't know it would get me into a heap of trouble. Of course, I do have the only key to this door, so I could lock it, put my head down on my desk and wake up in time to go home.

But I won't, because I have a million and a half things to do.

I had an awesome appointment with a new therapist today. There's something screwy going on with my insurance, though. When I spoke to them, they told me it was going to be one price, but when the therapist spoke with them today, it was a different price. So, we'll see. I really can't afford to see her more than, well...more than once a MONTH at her price, and she feels like it is best to meet once a week. I did feel very comfortable with her, and she was very active and engaged with me. She also validated a lot of the things I said that were not validated by the other therapist. And it's not that I want someone to just agree with everything I say, but there are certain areas where I just need support rather than confrontation. So, I'm going to see her again tomorrow, and we'll see what happens from there. I feel like I can do homework or whatever, and I feel like I can examine things on my own in the off weeks. I also don't have TIME to see a therapist once a week. It's just too much for me. But...again...we'll see. Maybe I'm more in need of therapy than I'm giving myself credit for.

Something occured to me, too, on my way to pick up the kids from k8's house. Something that I think is kind of major. For one thing, both of the therapists I have seen in the past month have used the word "neglectful" to describe my mother. In other words, they both said that I was neglected. This brings me nearly to tears. I think one of my major roadblocks has always been that I have an urge to be forgiving of my mother, and yet I feel like if my mother was neglectful of me, there has to be some sort of confrontation between us so we can "work it out" and put it behind us.

Well, what I realized when I was going to pick up the kids from k8's house was that I don't HAVE to confront anyone. I can just live with the knowledge of that in my past and figure out how to prevent it from hindering me in the present. I can learn to appreciate my relationship with my mother for what it is...to except the boundaries that she sets forth, and to establish my own boundaries...and just move forward.

Wow. This was major. Maybe it doesn't SEEM like a big deal, but it feels like a load off to me.

So, I got to talk to k8 for a little while while the kids all watched Magic School Bus. It's always nice to talk to k8. So often her house is a crowd of people, and I don't always enjoy hanging out with 5 or 6 other people all at once (although sometimes I enjoy the hell out of it). I guess I just like talking with k8 one on one. She's pretty special.

M's been acting kind of strange all day. We were playing a game this afternoon where we were all in a spaceship (under the blanket) and it was a time machine spaceship and we ended up in the land of the dinosaurs. Then M was pretending to be a dinosaur. First he was pretending to be a baby dinosaur who wanted his mama. So C helped him find his mama and he ran off. Then M, as the baby dinosaur, came back and said he decided he wanted his papa, instead. I thought it was kind of an interesting thing to incorporate into the game considering all that has been going on, but he's still not really talking about anything to me. I feel like I need to give him the space to talk when he feels like it, but I'm also feeling like he might be holding a little too much in for whatever reason. So perhaps more make-believey games are in order, where he can express some of his anxiety through play. Maybe that feels more safe to him.

The good thing is that I really feel that the environment has significantly improved my mood with the children. I feel like we are much more productive, and that it's more fluid through the day. It's nice.

Anyway, I'm having a difficult time staying on track, so I better just publish this and maybe put my head down for a little while.

Posted at 5:40 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Oh, AND I want a puppy.

August 27, 2003

It makes no logical sense whatsoever, but I am desperately wanting to get M the puppy he has been asking for for years now. I even went to the pound yesterday on my way to work, and there were so many adorable dogs there. I had my eye on one of a litter of catahoula pups who had one blue eye. But M wants a "little black yapper." There were lots of black lab pups. I don't know what would please him. Maybe I'll just adopt TWO dogs.

hahahahaha

Oh, and I also saw two rabbits and a couple of cats that I liked.

Can I afford to adopt any of these pets right now? No. But I'm justifying this desire by telling myself it's opportune now because L is watching the kids at my house, and will be able to assist with puppy potty training. (I say this without having consulted with L at all, which I'm sure he would say is the entire reason we could not get along.)

Anyway, unreasonable desires and screaming children. I have to go get this small demaning one his oatmeal, even though I know it's not cooled down enough.

Posted at 9:21 AM • Comments (8) • TrackBack

Update on MY emotional temperature.

August 27, 2003

I'm sure I dreamed all night about the situation, about separation, about crushed dreams. One thing that L has said to me popped into my brain last night and would not leave. It was just one of those indications of how very different our ideas about marriage are/were and why it was so painful for me...for both of us...to try to live with each other. It was something about how he knew plenty of couples where the husband and wife didn't talk to each other at all - and they weren't getting divorced.

I guess he never realized that I actually liked talking to him and hanging out with him when we used to talk and hang out. Perhaps that is partially my fault for not expressing it in a way that he understood...but either way, it certainly was not desirable to stay in a relationship with someone who could not believe that I liked him or found it acceptable for us to dislike each other to the point of not talking to each other.

I'm a fairly solitary person. I enjoy...I CHERISH being alone. I would much, much rather be alone than to have to live with someone I want to talk to, but can't. It was painful living that way, and although the transition is painful at times, too, it's nowhere near what I was experiencing having him walk through the house, stand in the same room with me, play with the children, talk on the phone, and do all of these things without speaking a single word to me. I think I've already been through the real pain, and now it's just an adjustment to the realization that I've given up on ever recovering the relationship we once had.

And being alone is totally ok with me right now. Kidding about crushes and short bouts of boy-craziness aside, I really prefer to not "look" and I've always been content with my time between relationships. In fact, I met L at a time when I was really enjoying my solitary life, and I probably allowed that relationship to prematurely interrupt my luxurious alone time. So, I definitely don't have the frantic urge to "find someone."

C cried last night when L left for the night. M clung to him. It's odd because the amount that they interact with him has not changed much at all for them - if at all - but they still feel his absence. The difference is that he never had difficulty relating to them and talking to them, so they don't share my feelings of relief that he's gone. They are doing OK, though. They are really doing OK.

I have my first appointment with a new therapist today. I honestly don't know what to say to her. I'm not even sure if I want to be in therapy now. I feel like I'm adjusting OK, and that I have friends to talk to when I need to. It can't hurt to talk to someone else, but it's so tiresome trying to find the right person for me that I'd really rather just...not expend the energy right now. Perhaps this is part of my desire to remain solitary for a time, to not have to invest in new relationships. To strengthen my relationship with myself. I don't want to have to explain it all over again to someone new. I just want to acknowledge what has happened and face forward...and move in that direction.

Posted at 8:56 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Homeschool dilemma.

August 26, 2003

I'm still trying to figure out if I want to go ahead and get the Oak Meadow 1st
grade materials. I know I can skip the story books (I can check most of them out from the library) and I can probably skip the fairy tales (fairy tales are also abundant at the library.) I'm also figuring I can skip the "Word Family Reader" since Monk is already reading at what appears to be a 5th grade level (which I know would chap the ass of any true Waldorf person, but whatevah.) Which means that with everything else, including shipping, I'll be spending about 250 bux. That's a lot of dough, and the curriculum doesn't really do much more than I'm already doing, but it sure is nice to have something to fall back on when planning the week, and I know that the other parent wants a bit more structure.

Bah (which is, apparently, the word for the day)! I don't want to spend that much money, but I do like the idea of having everything right there for me.

I guess I'll just have to see how much money I HAVE, and then figure out if I even CAN spend that much money. Or maybe I can hit my mom up for money. Or maybe I could see about doing some babysitting.

Or maybe I could just make things up as I go along.

I hate this decision-making crap.

Posted at 11:03 PM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

bah!

August 26, 2003

I've tried to write 2 entries today about topics that require a fair bit of concentration to write about, and I have been interrupted pretty constantly the entire time I have been sitting here. I usually give myself until 9 AM to write stuff before I become fulfiller of all needs around here, but apparently the other little people in the fiefdom have other ideas today.

So, excuse me if there is no new content, other than this thinly-veiled attempt to bitch about my demanding children (who, by the way, have suddenly and inexplicably made themselves scarce...are they plotting something?)

So, things to write about later:

blogging and activism and the digital divide
phpnuke fun!
segregation of parenting issues
Gatto and Harper's Magazine

In the meantime, does anyone know any good jokes?

Posted at 9:18 AM • Comments (14) • TrackBack

I hope Sally doesn't mind that this totally made me laugh out loud.

August 25, 2003

Thanks to Jim at the Burnt Orange report for pointing out this obituary. And I would like to thank the late Sally Baron for introducing me to the term "whistle ass."

pahahahahaha.

Posted at 5:30 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Swimming in memories.

August 25, 2003

I'd like to start this post by announcing that I swam 32 laps today. They're just 25 yard laps, I think, but that's still pretty good for my second time out in over 10 years or so. I haven't had a good workout in about 4 years, either...other than walking...so I'm pretty pleased with myself.

I definitely still prefer breast stroke (shut UP!) over freestyle. Is this typical? I can't tell if I'm being a wimp because breast stroke is such an easy stroke, or if it's just my preference due to my past life as a breast-stroker. I definitely feel more of a workout in my triceps when I do breast stroke, but it's not nearly as tiring for me as freestyle, so I don't know. I'm also way better, formwise, at breast stroke. I feel like a flopping fish swimming freestyle, and I always have. I am so jealous of people who just slice through the water swimming freestyle. I have no idea what I look like when I swim, but i'm just certain that I look awkward.

At any rate, I'm remembering swim team when I was younger. Swimming every day at Olympic Pool, the indoor pool in my neighborhood. Laughing about my "indoor pool tan" of pasty white skin. Showing off on the diving boards for the cute lifeguards.

My best friend's brothers were always our swim team coaches, and I need to write to their mom and tell her that I hear their voices to this day whenever I am swimming. They remind me to look through the triangular window I'm making as I pull my breathing arm out of the water. To look back towards my armpit, rather than directly to the right. I remember the hours and hours we spend on the edge of the pool, out of the water, with them moving my legs to the correct positions for the breaststroke kick. Over and over. Flex, point, flex point. And as the legs kick, the arms thrust. Again and again. It's totally engraved in my brain. I think Mrs. H would appreciate hearing that.

I remember, too, walking home from swim team practice with J, and always being super hungry for the same thing...every single time. A salami sandwich with extra mayo. That, or hot pizza from Wayne's. I remember the special way those things tasted after swimming, the smell of chlorine still all over my clothes, body, and hair.

I remember the competition, too. The sick feeling in my stomach when I had to wake up at 5 in the morning to get myself to the competing pool. The annual city meet and all of the people. The warm up laps. The shock of cold water. The Jell-0 that we used to eat right out of the package, fingers red or purple or orange from spooning the sugar from package to mouth over and over and over again. To give us energy.

It's good to be swimming again. I felt so apprehensive when I jumped in the water today, knowing I only had about half an hour to spend and not feeling like there was going to be any benefit in that half an hour. The first couple of laps were nice, then it got torturous for a few laps, then I concentrated on taking it easy, doing the stroke the way it was most relaxing and comfortable for me...trying to go as slowly as possible. And I got a second wind at one point and thought I could maybe swim forever.

But then it started thundering and we all had to get out of the pool. I felt weaker when I got out of the water. More tired than I had been while I was swimming. And I'm certain that I will sleep well tonight.

Posted at 5:04 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

You'll never win...

August 25, 2003

Permanent crush status for anyone who can guess what song my new subtitle is lifted from. Extra super heavy duty crush status for anyone who can snag me a copy of the LP - mine got stolen by a disgruntled roommate many years ago, and I only have a taped recording of it.

Hint: It's an obscure song from an obscure Chicago band, circa late '80's. Obscure does not mean that it doesn't rock, though. It was one of my favorite bands and remains one of my favorite songs and favorite albums of all time.

Posted at 2:20 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Two new words

August 25, 2003

"triangugle" =triangle in C-eze

"prevariously" =previously in M-eze

Feel free to use this words in whatever context you see fit. Here are some examples:

"Look at the byoo-tee-fuw triangugle, mama!" (spoken as the beautiful triangle in question is hurled across the living room.)

"I want to hear the song prevarious to that - or at least play some rock and roll!"

Posted at 1:02 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Imperial Racist Fantasies

August 25, 2003

The Black Commentator is by far one of the best sources for critical analysis of our government's policies. This article does not disappoint:

In a similar vein, proclamations of that renowned British statesman, Winston Churchill, must be seen in the pre-correctness era and transported to present day realities to appreciate the nature of racist American foreign policy initiatives. Churchill declared: "I am strongly in favor of using poisoned gas against uncivilized tribes. I do not admit for instance, that a great wrong has been done to the Red Indians of America or the black people of Australia. I do not admit that a wrong has been done to these people by the fact that a stronger race, a higher-grade race, a more worldly wise race to put it that way, has come in and taken their place." In fact present American foreign policy initiatives with British backing are an accurate reflection of these sentiments, considering the death and destruction they have wrought on peoples of Latin America, Africa and Asia.
While such verbal violence is no longer fashionable or permissible in politically correct times, occasional Freudian slips will continue to be made. Here is one by Mr. Blair, the British Prime Minister, in his recent address to the U.S. Congress: 'The risk is that terrorism and states developing weapons of mass destruction come together.' Well, as far as is known, none have been found in Iraq and as to where they are truly located and who actually owns them, no expertise is required to identify them. Using this logic then, if states developing WMDs are on their way to terrorism, those that have enough stockpiles of them to destroy the world several times over must be highly accomplished terrorists themselves. As one Iraqi put it in the aftermath of the handling of the bodies of Saddam's sons and the escalating resistance against occupation, 'But the Americans are criminals and unbelievers. We got rid of one tyrant and we ended up with a bigger one.'

Another Iraqi, reacting to the killing of four unarmed countrymen, said (on public radio) that he had witnessed dogs being rescued on American TV that received better treatment than Iraqis. My, oh my, are we in familiar territory or what? Perhaps political incorrectness might after all have some merit.

You can play a freaking drinking game listening to the media slip with various racist remarks. Last night, the commentators were actually SMILING as they said "more terrorist attacks in Iraq, but this time Americans were not the targets!"

Yay team! The war has evolved, and now our allies within the occupied state are targeted rather than us! White people win again!

Posted at 10:48 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Still more on our governments' support of the troops.

August 25, 2003

I'm glad the people filing this law suit have decided to stop following orders and start demanding what is rightfully theirs.

It's those links attorneys Gary Pitts and Kenneth McCallion will address. Maintaining "companies and banks have not yet had any negative consequences for helping Saddam Hussein build his chemical weapons of mass destruction," Pitts and McCallion claim the lawsuit is not only "to seek just compensation for the poisoned veterans and their birth-defected children, it is to deter companies from engaging in this kind of behavior in the future."

And in light of today's conflict in Iraq, the lawsuit's implications are both broad-reaching and ominous. At least 100 Gulf War II troops have already contracted a "mystery" pneumonia-like illness the U.S. Department of Defense can't properly diagnose, and the families of soldiers based in Iraq are demanding answers. Michael Neusche describes how his 20-year-old son Josh, a former track star from Missouri, wrote home from active duty in Iraq on June 26 saying would be doing a secretive "hauling" mission. By July 1 Josh had fallen into a coma; the military promptly reclassified Josh as "medically retired," thus stripping him and his family of entitlements, and on July 12th Josh died from what the Pentagon called "other causes."

Posted at 10:40 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

A Mission to Uranus

August 25, 2003

M has a set of encyclopedias his father gave him. He likes to read them. Actually, he likes to think of things to look up like "fart" and "barf," and then he goes to the appropriate volume and ends up getting distracted by other articles.

Last night, we were perusing the U-V book for VOMIT, and we found Uranus. Monk insisted I read. I got to the line that said "Uranus can barely be seen with the naked eye." and I lost it. I could NOT stop laughing. I'm not sure if M gets the whole "uranus" thing yet, but both of us were laughing and laughing. I bravely tried to read on, but after "Uranus is believed to have a diameter of 32,000 miles..." and then, the clincher, "It is thought by scientists that Uranus may be in a partially gaseous condition." I was unable to read any further.

"Mom! Keep reading! I want to learn more about Uranus!"

Bahahahaha. OK, I'll try: "Uranus has great power to reflect light!" hahahahahaha.

"Why are you laughing, mom?" Says M, laughing with me.

"Uranus has five satellites, or "moons." heh heh.

And so on.

Don't you wish YOU had a mother as mature as me?

Posted at 9:32 AM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

M on Prayer

August 24, 2003

We just got home from church, and I had this conversation with M:

mama: So, what'd you think? Did you have fun?
m: Yeah. At least it's not the kind of church where you have to PRAY.
mama: Oh, yeah? Why?
m: Because I'd probably pray to the Greek gods or something. I like them the best.

Posted at 7:25 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Happy Anniversary

August 24, 2003

Busy day, productive day. I've only stopped to feel my breath catch in my throat a few times as I heard myself whisper "happy anniversary." And didn't have the heart to say it out loud.

L has been mellow...anger subsiding perhaps. We are able to have short conversations without sneers or starts. I'm glad about this. Last night, it hit M suddenly. M was watching L carry his computer out to his friend's car and said "Why is daddy doing that?" and I paused, a little startled, after all that M has said about understanding that daddy will be going and acting OK about it. Of course, I know/knew there is something going on inside him that he is just unable to express. But I said, as casually as I could "Papa is moving out, M...remember we talked about this?" and M's little jaw shifted back and forth like how it does when he is about to cry...and I asked him "Are you feeling sad about that?" as C babbled in his car seat. M shook his head yes, brimming over a little, and I touched his arm and said "It's ok to be sad, and it's ok to be angry and if you feel like you need to cry, it's ok to cry. In fact, you are always welcome to come to me if you need someone cry with, because I feel like crying, too." That seemed to help him a bit. I can tell there is a lot there. At that point, he was sitting in the back seat and he laughed, saying he couldn't come to me because he can't walk when he's in the car. He laughed, but I know there's so much more there.

But we had a good night hanging out at k8's with an entire tribe of children and fun inside/outside/in sprinkler/watching movie while k8 and I talked and laughed and I didn't even cry once.

This morning's adventure was great for me, and I will have to make a separate post about it. I skipped the drum circle, because M said "is that some protest thing? Because I don't want to do it if it's about peace." and I had to laugh and it was too hot besides. Now I'm trying to talk myself out of going to church because L is gone again and I'm feeling like being here in my house and listening to music while the children play. But I will go anyway, and have fun, and find out about this campfire group that I heard about, and then come home and dance around the empty house with my children.

So, I guess it's a pretty happy anniversary anyway.

Posted at 4:40 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

loose tooth

August 24, 2003

Monk's about to lose his first tooth, which is very exciting...

How much money is the tooth fairy doling out these days?

Posted at 9:45 AM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

Travel Tunes

August 24, 2003

It just occurred to me that I have sorely neglected the road trip recap. I'm hoping to get back to it soon. In the meantime, both Bellis and Nicole have posted about travel music, so I figure now is as good a time as any to transcribe my scrawled notes about the soundtrack for the DC trip. Basically, I brought my whole MP3/WMA collection with me, and set the player on shuffle, and madly scribbled the names of the best travel songs as I was driving. Don't try this at home, kids. I'm hoping to make this into my Autumn Crush Mix - at least some of the songs, anyway. And I'm hoping to make liner notes once I compile them all. For now, I just have song titles and band names.

Anyway, here goes:

Jets To Brazil - Little Light
Nick Cave - Do You Love Me?
Place of Power (from the Circle Round and Sing CD)
Coltrane - Locomotion
Cletus - Product
Annie Lennox - Train in Vain
De La Soul - All Good
Buzzcocks - I Need
Push - Strange World
Lords of the New Church - Live for Today
REM - The Great Beyond
Moby - East Side
Goo Goo Dolls - American Girl
Social Distortion - Ring of Fire
Violent Femmes - Good Feeling
Tracy Chapman - Fast Car
Handsome Family - Winnebago Skeletons
Nick Cave - Sadly By Her Side
PJ Harvey - The Garden
Lanterna - Silent Hills
Cibo Matto - Working for Vacation
Handsome Family - House Carpenter
Leonard Cohen - No Way To Say Goodbye
PJ Harvey - Perfect Day
PJ Harvey - The Wind
Jawbreaker - Into you Like a Train
Rites of Spring - For Want Of
Public Enemy - Rebel w/o a Pause
Fugazi - Witness Protection
Stiff Little Fingers - Wasted Life
Shonen Knife - Tower of the Sun
De La Soul - Held Down
T Rex - Ride the White Swan
Cat Power - Fate of the Human Carbine
Violent Femmes - Gone Daddy Gone
Buzzcocks - Fast Cars
Bob Dylan - Tangled up in Blue
Cat Power - Schizophrenia's Weight
Howard Jones - Life in One Day
Throwing Muses - Saving Grace
Gun Club - Go Tell The Mountain
Dirty 3 - Backwards Voyage
Cash and CAve - So Lonesome I Could Die
Tears For Fears - Mad World
Shonen Knife - I wanna Be Sedated
Nappy Roots - Aww Naww
Green Day - Minority
Abba - Eagle
Cake - I Will Survive
Michael Franti - Oh My God
Atom and his Package - Washington Redskins
Thelonious Monk - Bemsha Swing
Bob Marley - Everything Gonna Be Alright
Joy Division - Dead Souls
Sonic Youth - Cross the Breeze
Bob Marley - This Train
Jimmy Cliff - I Can See Clearly Now
10,000 Maniacs - City of Angels
Jimmy Cliff - Hard Road To Travel
u2 - A Sort of Homecoming
U2 - Bad
Love and Rockets - American Dream
Duran Duran - Ordinary World
Missing Persons - Destination Unknown
New Order - True Faith
Jesus and Mary Chain - Far Gone & Out

phew!

Posted at 8:52 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Things my mother does that I thought I would never ever do...and now I'm doing them.

August 23, 2003

Ladies and gentlemen, I just caught myself scratching my back with a fork.

Comfort me. What did YOUR mother do that you never thought you would do...and now YOU'RE doing it?

Don't leave me hanging.

Posted at 11:41 PM • Comments (8) • TrackBack

An EXCELLENT article about the so-called obesity "epidemic"

August 23, 2003

Thanks to ms. polka for this one:

it's a strange epidemic that finds those exposed to it living longer, healthier lives than ever before. Yet, that's exactly what Department of Health and Human Services statistics show, even as the population is getting fatter and simultaneously aging. Given that the NIH and WHO have claimed obesity is second only to smoking as a preventable cause of death, then increases in adult obesity should have a negative impact on life expectancy, Ernsberger noted. "The opposite is true. Death rates have fallen. The greatest improvements are in cardiovascular disease deaths, which are most strongly linked to obesity," he said. "The decline in age-related mortality for stroke is 59 percent from 1970 to 1994; for heart disease, 53.2 percent."

As for the $93 billion [to $117 billion, depending on whose figures you want to use] "costs" of obesity? Mere hype. With doctors, researchers and politicians attributing everything that happens to fat people as the fault of their fatness, medical expenses for all of their health problems are included, Glenn Gaesser, Ph.D., associate professor of exercise physiology at the University of Virginia, has noted. A closer look reveals these dollar cost estimates also tally ambiguous tabs of "reduced productivity," absenteeism, higher insurance premiums, litigation and even the ineffective weight loss treatments they themselves promote.

Posted at 2:31 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Gratitude

August 23, 2003

I'm really starting to enjoy my Friday nights. Most of the time I go to my friend M's house. She and her husband make the best food, and we watch Moyers and talk shit. They have a little boy who is about 3 weeks younger than C, and the kids all play together. Last night they were all insanely loud, and it kind of put me on edge, but I think everyone had a good time anyway.

I'm so thankful for all of the supportive words that I've heard and read throughout this whole ordeal. It's been hard. Harder than I've been able to express in the blog, because there are details that I don't feel comfortable sharing publically. And it's so nice to be able to wake up in the morning to do my writing, and first read 3 or 4 nice things that people have written. Simple things. Supportive things.

I have a headache right now that I'm hoping a nice, stiff cup of coffee will cure. I didn't have any caffeine yesterday, and I almost fell asleep driving Susan home. Sorry I was so untalkative, Susan! It wasn't you. It just hit me all of a sudden when we were driving home, and I realized I had not slept much the night before, and the swimming and the no caffeine having really got to me. I had no trouble sleeping last night at all. And neither did M or C.

Today it's work, and then I'm coming home to watch the kids while L moves. Tomorrow, I'm attending a meeting for MAIN (I hope - we'll see how I feel. I really don't want to bring the kids, but i'm kind of doubting that L will watch them for me) then the drumming thing, then I just got an e-mail about a campfire group that's forming at the UU church, so I'll probably go to that meeting if M's interested in joining. Of course, I'll have to work with L on that, too...since he might have to bring M to the meetings if they are in the evening while I am at work. We'll see.

A busy weekend, which is probably good. It's weird how empty it is without him here. I like it, but...it's empty.

Posted at 7:24 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

My anniversary present.

August 22, 2003

Like I said earlier, This coming Sunday was to be my 7th wedding anniversary. I felt like I needed to mark the occasion, and I was going to buy myself a ring, but instead I bought a little portable stereo for my room so I can listen to music in there and play music for C when he goes to sleep. It has a remote, and I don't like jewelry anyway.

L came over to watch the kids today, and I went out. I got my present for myself, and then I grabbed a little snack at Whole Foods, and then I went swimming.

I've been thinking about swimming laps for a long time. I remember long summers of swim team and kathunk kathunk kathunking from one end of the pool to the other. I remember competitions where I would hear the crowd cheering when I came up for air, and the rest of the time all I could hear was the soothing sound of my body slicing through the water. I miss swimming. I remember going to the indoor pool when the windchill factor was -57 degrees, and hanging out in the sauna before being picked up by my best friend's mom and eating hot Wayne's pizza. I remember these things, and I think the water might be comforting.

I also remember the first time (and last time) L and I traveled together. We drove out the Athens, GA to move a friend of mine back to Austin, and we went swimming in the Gulf in Pensacola. L told me I was like a little fish, and we laughed and he really loved me. Damnit. He used to.

So it was good to go to the pool. I got in and swam ten or so laps. I'm horribly out of shape right now, but I'm looking forward to building up. The pool is open until September 14th, and I've already decided that I'm going to go swimming every chance I get until that day. I can go before work if I leave here right when L gets here, and still make it to work on time, particularly in the next 2 weeks, since we don't have classes. And I'm hoping that by the time the pool closes, I will have a membership at the "Y" and I can start swimming there.

It was soothing to swim. Comforting. I let the water embrace me. I listened to the kathunk kathunk. I have a difficult time swimming slowly and pacing myself - I need to work on that. I might get myself a kickboard, but I think my arms need more work right now anyway. It was nice to get in the water. I feel tired in that refreshing kind of way that happens after a workout - particularly after a new kind of workout. I'm looking forward to swimming again tomorrow if I can.

The River
PJ Harvey

and they came to the river
and they came from the road
and he wanted the sun
just to call his own
and they walked on the dirt
and they walked from the road
'til they came up close
Throw your pain in the river
To be washed away slow
and we walked without words
and we walked with our lives
two silent birds
circled by
Like our pain in the river
and we followed the river
and we followed the road
and we walked through this land
and we called it a home
but he wanted the sun
and I wanted the whole
and the white light scatters
and the sun sets low
Like the pain in the river

Posted at 5:36 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Good Morning.

August 22, 2003

Along the same lines as the "when you die, I get to have all yr stuff" thing, this morning, I was kind of checking m's emotional temperature about papa not living here anymore. He said "Well, at least we get to use his room as a playroom."

Now how the hell can I be all morose when he's saying stuff like that?

(oh, and C let me sleep in until almost nine - which gave me SIX HOURS of sleep. yahoo!)

Posted at 9:43 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

insomnia

August 22, 2003

I guess it's no wonder that I can't sleep. I've watched a movie, burned some candles, taken a lavender bath, cried a lot, soothed C back to sleep, found the videos that need to be returned to the library, cried some more, contemplated things that I probably shouldn't contemplate on no sleep...and here I am.

I'm not sure what I was hoping to find here at this hour of the morning. Everything looks about the same as how it will look about 5 hours from now when the children wake up and want me to serve them. But there's something about this blank screen. Something that makes me want to make words to fill it up, even though I really don't have any words. I want to be able to stare at the blank screen and magically cause all of my feelings to appear on the page without having to put forth any effort. Because all the effort in the world only makes it all sound trite and benign.

But here's a taste...I'm thinking about all of the things that I ever did wrong in my relationship with L. Every last little thing. I'm thinking about the things that were said today and about how so much of it hurt, but how it was also interesting to finally hear L express his feelings. How strange it was that he can't do so unless there's an audience other than me. I'm thinking about how very weird and other worldly things have been around here for so long. I'm remembering all of the hopes I've harbored that things will just magically snap back to order. I'm remembering sweet little things...they were so long ago.

And I'm thinking that I've saved up about two years or so worth of mourning for this very moment. I've been too busy trying desperately to look for the one positive aspect of the relationship to cling to to make it work between us to realize that it was all hopelessly lost. I'm trying to remember the last time I was comforted when I was sad - or even the last time I was able to express sadness...or even the last time I've been able to express and share joy. It's been a long damn time.

And still there's this wretched empathy. The little tentacles in me that want to reach out and soothe. I want to think that I can redirect that, but what I worry is that I've been frustrated and shunned for so long that I'm too injured to do much of anything.

I'm worried about my children hearing me cry. How can I explain to them that this decision was to make me happier, when all I can do right now is feel and express sadness? How are they going to get that? I know I won't feel this way forever, but it feels neverending to me.

And I'm wanting sleep - if only to break the monotony. I'm wanting to be able to lie down on my pillow and not think.

And I'm watching this animated gif on pamama's livejournal page. Something about seeing an inked mama giving birth over and over again is soothing to me. Something about catching that which drops out of me and drawing it near. Something about the repitition...is soothing to me.

Posted at 3:01 AM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

Do I Want wimminandminorities.com?

August 21, 2003

The lovely and talented ms. liz has asked me if I would like to take over the wonderful domain wimminandminorities dot com. Would I? I dunno. Are there any wimminandminorities out there who would like to participate in said domain? I would love to get it going again, because there were many who were participating who I respected...and there are many who can participate who I respect.

Anyone game? I dunno if I would need someone to do a design or anything, and I don't know how active I would be in promoting and posting...but I would definitely do my best to keep things running if I had some help and interested/ing participants.

Let me know.

By the way: I still have not forgotten about the radical homeschool blog or clothespins for the revolution. I'm still looking for someone to redesign the homeschool blog, and I'm trying to figure out how to position clothespins for the revolution so I'm not duplicating the efforts of sustenance and living on less - I'm considering making it more web-ziney and metabloggy. And I would like to remind my fellow recipe bloggers to start posting good recipes because I'm about to start making macaroni and cheese every day. I am hoping to resume my work on these things once I have adjusted to my new life, new schedule, new...everything. Thanks for your patience.

Posted at 10:51 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Mediation

August 21, 2003

I'm pleased to report that mediation was relatively painless. I felt the mediators were very helpful in moving both of us away from conflict and toward resolution, and I'm pretty happy with the agreement that we drafted. It's a temporary agreement, pending circumstantial changes, but I think it suits all of us as well as any of us would hope to be suited in this situation.

I'm feeling all roller-coastery. I'm relieved that we have resolved what I felt were the most pressing issues, and yet...I'm mourning. Even though the relationship has been over for a long time for me, I'm feeling very sad right now. I very much wish there were other options for us. In the car on the way there and on the way back, I kept wishing there was something I could say to comfort L, even though I know he's not trustful or comforted by anything I do for or say to him. And I know I wish I could be comforted, too.

There were doubts expressed that mediation would not work, but I think we both did an excellent job, and at least I feel the end result is something that is pretty fair. It's not entirely what I wanted, and it's not entirely what he wanted, but I think it's a workable solution for the time being. And the process of mediation was so much more peaceful than what I imagine a divorce proceeding or separation proceeding to be like. Both of us were able to disuss our needs and devise a mutually beneficial solution.

I talked to my mom when it was all over, and I cried. I'm still crying. In spite of (or maybe because of) everything, I do care about L a great deal. I'm so sad that we were unable to work things out between us so we could stay together. I know that I have had to maintain a level of aloofness towards him that has been uncomfortable to me, because I do feel a great deal of empathy for him, but I also felt that empathy was getting in the way of figuring out what I needed for myself. I am hoping that over time we will both be able to uncover the real feelings we have for each other, whatever those feelings might be, and perhaps form a different kind of bond with the focus of caring for our children and perhaps caring about each other in a more independent way.

I don't know how realistic that is, but that's what I'm hoping for. I'm not talking about resuming anything resembling our old relationship, or even being in a romantic relationship at all, but rather being able to truly recognize the qualities within each other that we cherish, and concentrating on those qualities in order to cultivate a friendship or at least a mutually-respectful co-parenting relationship that benefits the children and each other.

A woman can dream, right?

Anyway, I'm going to treat myself to a little independence day gift of some sort. I'm feeling so, so blue right now, I'm almost afraid to venture out of the office. I keep bursting into tears at inopportune moments. I know that, for the most part, this is what I've wanted...but I just wish it had never come to this at all. And when I think of those two sweet boys and the disruption this could potentially cause...I just lose it.

But I have to remind myself that I can't sacrifice myself entirely for their well-being. This has been a well-thought out decision on my part, and if everyone continues to proceed with the children's best interests in mind...we will do OK.

Posted at 7:34 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

C is driving me CRAZY. BUT, if I want your help, I'll ask for it. Damnit.

August 21, 2003

So far, in the hour that we have been awake, he has: dumped water all over the floor, pulled blueberries, watermelon, and cheese out of the fridge, demanded that I feed him all of them, and spit each out after the first bite, taken 2 graham crackers, thrown them on the floor and stomped on them, upended the salt shaker into his mouth, and he just walked away from the fridge with the container of mustard in his hands. All of this has occurred while I was making pancakes for breakfast, and I want you to take special note that he has not eaten any of the food he has demanded.

I'm growing very impatient with his antics. Yesterday at co-op, he threw a screaming fit for the entire last hour. He would calm down for a little while, but as soon as someone committed a perceived wrong against him, he would start up again. The co-op mamas were all offering him water and food and solutions solutions solutions, and I'm afraid that, while water and food can cause a temporary reprieve, there really isn't a solution. For whatever reason, sometimes he feels that he just needs to cry for an hour, and while that can be temporarily delayed, it's going to happen, regardless.

Which brings me to good intentions. I love my co-op mamas, but I'm really feeling like the dysfunctional one in a bad way. It was bad enough when I was the low-income mama, but now I'm low-income, divorcing mama...and I feel like the pity poster child. I totally snapped at mama M a week ago, because I walked up the steps into our area, and I was irritated about something that had just happened, and one of the mama M, with all good intentions, said "Are you ok?" which is something that I've been hearing from her a lot lately - that, and "you look tired." - I mean, more than I ever got when I was pregnant.

And while I totally understand that there are good intentions behind it, it's just so...not uplifting! hahaha. I like to think that I'm holding things together pretty well, and I also like to think that I'm pretty good about asking for help when I absolutely need it. I guess I also like to think that I deserve to keep things to myself when I feel that's warranted, and it's ~~sometimes~~ almost always a pain in the ass to have people inquiring about my state of mind.

When the mama M asked me if I was OK last week, I kind of snapped at her. I think I said something like "You ask me that every. single. time. I see you." and I tried to soften it with a feeble grin, but it was apparent that I was a bit perturbed. She approached me later and apologized for it, and I think she understood. I know, I KNOW they are all just trying to help, and I know I probably need more help than I am willing to accept, and I KNOW I should be thankful for the help everyone is willing to offer...but really I just want to be left alone sometimes. Sometimes I just don't want to think of myself as the mama whose life is falling apart. Sometimes I don't even want to think of myself as the mama who is strong in spite of everything that is happening. Sometimes I just. want. to. be. the mama. The woman. Me.

Posted at 9:32 AM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

Drums Around the World

August 20, 2003

This looks like an interesting event:

Austin Drum Sluts Anonymous invites drummers and dancers to gather on Sunday August 24, 2-4 pm, in Ricky Guerrero Park in south Austin, to help raise energy and create magic for Drums around the World!
Drums Around the World is an annual simultaneous world-wide drumming event to send a vibration of peace and unity, through the rhythm of drums, around the world.

It's going to be a busy day for me on Sunday...which is a good thing, because it's the day that would have been my 7th wedding anniversary.

Posted at 7:43 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Tomorrow is the big day

August 20, 2003

Tomorrow is my first mediation session with L, and I am very, very nervous.

I have all of the logistics taken care of: the kids have a place to stay, I have some money in the bank to cover, I have my list of priorities...I'm as prepared as I can be for something like this.

I think the nervousness comes from the thought that this is really it. We are really moving towards ending the relationship. And as much as I have been looking forward to it, there is still a great deal of regret that I'm feeling. Regret that things had to come to this. Regret that nothing either of us would do could make the relationship work for either of us.

Amazingly, I don't feel regret for having become involved with him in the first place. How could I? Aside from the fact that I have two beautiful children as a direct result of my relationship with him, I also have experienced a tremendous amount of growth and gained a lot of wisdom from our years together.

I'm just really hoping that my next learning experience ends on a more positive note.

Send whatever happy good luck vibes you feel you can afford. I am going to need them.

Posted at 6:47 PM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

Is it just me?

August 20, 2003

Is anyone else getting a tremendous amount of spam e-mails with attachments? All with subjects of "your details" or "my details" or just plain "details" or "about that movie"...

???

I'm getting like 10 or more of these every hour and it's driving me crazy.

Posted at 10:38 AM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

My interview questions

August 20, 2003

(I screwed this up by not including the rules, so I'm reposting)

Here are the rules of the interview game!

1. Leave a comment saying you want to be interviewed.
2. I'll reply and give you five questions to answer.
3. You'll update your LJ or blog with the five questions answered.
4. You'll include this explanation.
5. You ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed. And it just keeps going, and going, and going.

My questions are from Ahldalia

1. What is your favorite holiday and why?

You know, I don't really get too excited about ANY holiday, even with the kids. We keep things pretty low-key. But I guess I would have to say Halloween, because I have so many fond memories of Halloween, and those memories were never really ruined by large gatherings of family members arguing with one another. Plus it's fun to get the kids all dressed up and to gradually siphon candy from their stash.

2. What do you consider the three worst ideas in the history of mankind?

Gosh, this is a hard freaking question! Lemme think a minute. The three WORST ideas? I guess I don't really think about this kind of thing very often, and it would be difficult to narrow down. I just re-read that Spinney interview, though, and I'm thinking one of them would have to be the so-called "Star Wars" missile defense system. I also think invading Viet Nam and Iraq are right up in there. Does that count as two or three? Just in case...I'm kind of thinking at the moment that the person who invented marriage as a legal institution could have been a bit more thorough. It's so easy to get married, and so terribly difficult to get un-married.

3. Did you ever do that "TigerBeat"-style, pre-teen celebrity crush thing? If so, who did you crush on?

See, now HERE is a question I can go with! Hahaha. I tended to crush on the one that no one else wanted to crush on. The most prominent in my memory would have been, gulp, Ralph Macchio.

"Do it for Johnny, man...DO IT FOR JOHNNY!"

A few years ago I was in a hotel room traveling for work and I caught the Outsiders on cable. It was so funny reliving my teen years through that movie. It was all about Ralph Macchio and the outsiders. Everyone else was into Estevez, Swayze, and Dillon...but not me. I was a Macchio girl all the way.

Until I discovered Jody Davis of the Cubs.

4. What if, through teenage rebellion, both of your children grow up to be devout Christian, Military-bound, social Conservatives--what do you do with a teenager that sasses off about how "Mom is just too liberal?"

Bahahahahaha. This is one of those rhetorical questions, right?

Um, ok. I guess I'll just have to roll with it. I'm just trying to give them what I think they need to be happy, independent, well-adjusted kids. Everything else kinda falls on their shoulders.

(Someone remind me to read this when/if they ever start playing God-rock on my stereo.)

5. If you could reccomend one book to everyone in the world, what would it be?

One book? That's pretty easy for me. Scriptures of the Golden Eternity by Jack Kerouac. You can even read it online. It's incredible. In fact, I think I probably should re-read it myself about now.

Who is next?

Posted at 8:38 AM • Comments (10) • TrackBack

Blackout Recollection.

August 20, 2003

Christy recollects her blackout experience here and here. It's amazing, and apparently there's still more to come.

Posted at 8:27 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

I don't know...you tell me.

August 19, 2003

I did end up crashing both parties today. The ice cream factory tour was most excellent, and included some tasty samples that the kids devoured (which is why L asked me "Did you feed the kids ICE CREAM for breakfast?" when I came home tonight. hahahahahah), and the not back to school party was a lot less annoying than I thought it would be.

I have a little group of anti-social homeschool friends who are fun to hang out with. I don't mean to be snobbish towards the other homeschoolers, but it's just too large of a crowd for me, and I like to break my social interaction down to smaller groups, if I choose to interact at all...and sometimes I don't like to feel obligated to interact, so I tend to try to stay anonymous with that crowd.

Lately, I haven't felt much like meeting anyone new or really being social in any way that would expand my circle of friends. This might change when all is said and done with my relationship, but I feel like I really need some space and time to myself to really figure things out and re-craft my life. Or maybe it's more basic than that, even...maybe I'm just sick of people and need to be alone. Hell, I wouldn't even mind being flat-out LONELY for a little while. I'm ok with that. It might be nice to long for companionship for a time, rather than longing for isolation as I am now.

Anyway, sitting poolside and talking to my anti-social homeschool mama friends, the subject of homeschooling choices and how they are constantly being questioned by random strangers and family members came up. It's conversations like these that make me want to really get the radical homeschool blog up and running so we can all contribute and share information to educate people who are clueless about homeschooling and the people who homeschool.

On one of the homeschooling e-groups I'm on, we are discussing how to respond when questioned about homeschooling. Several people replied with how they divert or avoid or respond or ignore these questions, and the conversation was very interesting. But it made me wonder why we have to explain why we homeschool. Like, why would it be expected that I have an explanation. And it made me think that my best defense against this kind of nosiness is to immediately ask someone who inquires about our educational choices "Why do you send your kids to public school?" or, better yet, "why don't you homeschool?"

Because I can tell you what will probably happen. Probably the person who is asked that question will be totally puzzled. Because these things just ARE. Sending your child to public school is just what you do. It's the same thing with eating meat, or making any choice that follows the status quo. It's assumed that if your choices go along with the status quo, there is no need to consider the choice at all.

I'm saying that we all need to consider our choices. And I'm thinking I really need to consider that the next time I am tempted to ask someone why they have made a particular choice in their life that I have not. I need to first ask myself if I have a conscious idea about why I haven't made that choice...and if I don't, I need to keep my big fat fucking mouth shut.

Some examples of personal choice questions - some of which, having been turned inside out, might SEEM ridiculous, but might be actually interesting to consider

Why do you vaccinate your children?
Why do you allow your children to watch television?
Why do you feed your children sugary foods?
Why don't your children sleep in the bed with you?
Why do you send your children to public school?
Why don't you breastfeed, I mean, your child is ONLY three?
Why do you own a clothes dryer? Why don't you use a clothesline?
Why do you work 40+ hour work weeks?
Why do you have a car?
Why do you use disposable diapers?
Why are you choosing to have your baby in a hospital instead of at home?
Why would you circumsize your son?
Why don't you feed your children ice cream for breakfast?

I could go on and on.

(You kind of have to imagine that the person asking these questions is doing so with an incredulous, somewhat condescending tone - with "I would NEVER be able to do that" as the clear implication to the question.)

Posted at 10:49 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

I'm wearing falsies

August 19, 2003

fingernails, that is. i'm just trying them out to see if wearing them will discourage me from chewing on my fingers.

It's not going over so well so far, though...mostly because it's a bitch to type with these things on my tiny little VAIO keyboard. (in fact,anyone who has bgeen intimidated by my typing speed on aim before should aim me now. it's basically like I have laryngitis of the fingers.)

Plus, I totally feel like I'm in drag.

Posted at 5:02 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Decisions, decisions...(OK, just a lot of gloating)

August 19, 2003

Today is the first day of public school here in lovely Austin, Texas, and I am faced with a decision about what me and my lovely homeschooled children will be doing on this glorious hot day, while all of the school children trudge to their first day of classes, file into the classroom, sit in their assigned seats, and raise their hands and ask for permission to use the bathroom.

My choices are these: Should I take the kids to the pool, for the annual not-back-to-school party* with the local homeschool group? Or should I take them on a tour of a local ice cream shop?

bahahahahahaha.

M chose the ice cream tour. The deciding factor is that there will, indeed, be ice cream samples at the end of the tour.

We might end up going to the pool, as well. We're such party hoppers.

(From noon-whenever you wanna leave at Northwest pool, for those who are interested in living it up with the homeschool set)

Posted at 8:43 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Ladies and Gentlemen...

August 18, 2003

I just thought I should announce that in the past week or so, I have been able to lay C down in bed and LEAVE THE ROOM before he's fully asleep THREE TIMES!

He seems amenable to it if I a) spend some time looking at books with him before he goes to sleep (which we do anyway, but he specifically seems to want one on one time - so i've revised our night time routine*) b) I make sure to tell him that Twyla the dog is in the room with him, and c) I tell him "I need to go put your brother to bed now, night night."

And that's it. I tiptoe out of the room, shut the door, and I am HOME FREE!

yahoo!

*Our revised night time routine, for those who are insatiably ~~nosy~~ curious:

Mama arrives home from work
Mama puts on pajamas
M chooses a couple of picture books for C, and a chapter book, if we are not currently reading one (right now, we're reading The Phantom Tollbooth)
Mama reads the books
M goes off to his room to play by himself (which is a new thing that is also happening a lot lately)
Mama spends time looking at a picture book with C (usually either one of the big animal books, or the giant book of cross sections)
Mama closes the book, says "night night book, night night light, night night c."
C sometimes asks for "milk in the booby cup" or "other side booby" or "let me drink your booby"
mama nurses C, and then lays with him for about 5 minutes
mama politely excuses herself, and hangs out with M until his bedtime.

And there you go!

Posted at 10:58 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Distortion and Cynicism

August 18, 2003

I seem to be watching a lot more TV than usual lately, and I've observed something that I'm not entirely sure is observable if you are fully embedded in TV culture. Or perhaps it's glaringly obvious to everyone else, and I'm so slow I'm only now realizing. I'm noticing that there are way more bad guys portrayed on television than on real life, and way more extreme evil represented.

I guess now that I'm typing and reading that, it's a pretty obvious statement, and probably a lot of people, even those who ARE firmly embedded in TV culture, have observed the same thing. But what I'm drawing from that observation is an idea that perhaps people have an distorted sense of fear of their fellow man because of it.

This is not something that I usually see argued about media's effect on population. Normally people seem to focus on whether people will try to imitate the evil that they see on TV, rather than whether or not people will become more and more cynical if they are exposed to unrealistic representations of other humans. So I did a google search, and here's what I came up with:

Individuals with greater exposure to media violence see the world as a dark and sinister place. Television programs present a narrow view of the world, and the world they present is violent. Thus, people who watch a lot of television are more likely than those who watch less to see the world as being violent and overestimate their chance of being involved in violence.
Nowhere is the media's distortion of reality greater than in the portrayal of individuals with mental illness. A 1997 content analysis of programming found that television characters with mental illnesses were highly likely to be shown commiting acts of violence. In fact, mentally ill characters were 10 times more violent than the general population of television characters, despite mountains of evidence that show that individuals with mental illnesses are no more likely to be violent than mentally healthy individuals. [source]

Research Strand: People who watch a lot of media violence tend to believe that the world is more dangerous than it is in reality
George Gerbner has conducted the longest running study of television violence. His seminal research suggests that heavy TV viewers tend to perceive the world in ways that are consistent with the images on TV. As viewers' perceptions of the world come to conform with the depictions they see on TV, they become more passive, more anxious, and more fearful. Gerbner calls this the "Mean World Syndrome."

Gerbner's research found that those who watch greater amounts of television are more likely to:

overestimate their risk of being victimized by crime
believe their neighbourhoods are unsafe
believe "fear of crime is a very serious personal problem"assume the crime rate is increasing, even when it is not

André Gosselin, Jacques de Guise and Guy Paquette decided to test Gerbner's theory in the Canadian context in 1997. They surveyed 360 university students, and found that heavy television viewers are more likely to believe the world is a more dangerous place. However, they also found heavy viewers are not more likely to actually feel more fearful. [source]

In addition to modeling violent behavior, entertainment media inflate the prevalence of violence in the world, cultivating in viewers the "mean world" syndrome, a perception of the world as a dangerous place.55,56 Fear of being the victim of violence is a strong motivation for some young people to carry a weapon, to be more aggressive, to "get them before they get me."56 For some children, exposure to media violence leads to anxiety, depression, and posttraumatic stress disorder57 or to sleep disturbances and nightmares.58 Some defend media violence as an outlet for vicariously releasing hostility in the safety of virtual reality. However, research testing this "catharsis hypothesis" found that after experiencing media violence, children displayed increased overt aggression because of lowered inhibitions.59 Numerous studies have shown that the most insidious and potent effect of media violence is to desensitize all of us to real life violence.60-62
[...]Children learn by observing and trying out "behavioral scripts." Repeated exposure to violent behavioral scripts can lead to increased feelings of hostility, expectations that others will behave aggressively, desensitization to the pain of others, and increased likelihood of interacting and responding to others with violence.66 Active participation increases effective learning. Video games are an ideal environment in which to learn violence. They place the player in the role of the aggressor and reward him or her for successful violent behavior. Rather than observing part of a violent interaction, video games allow the player to rehearse an entire behavioral script, from provocation, to choosing to respond violently, to resolution of the conflict. Moreover, video games have been found to be addictive67; children and adolescents want to play them for long periods of time to improve their scores and advance to higher levels. Repetition increases their effect. [source]

Well, shit. I'm glad that I waited for the kids to go to bed first. Isn't it strange that there really isn't much attention paid to the effects of violent programming on adults? Don't you think it would tend to make adults more cynical? After all, if people actually believe anything that comes out of George Bush's mouth anymore, clearly this demonstrates that we are a nation of suckers with a completely distorted and cynical view of the world.

Posted at 6:29 PM • Comments (10) • TrackBack

war on boys & other book news.

August 18, 2003

I kind of got a whiff of what Trish talks about here while I was reading Real Boys. While there was much in the book that I found helpful, there was also a lot of subtly accusatory malarky. The author was careful to stress the importance of the mother-son relationship, but the statistics about how boys are failing in public schools and less likely to attend college seemed...suspect to me. Almost blame-y. And, of course, it was assumed throughout the book that the mother was the primary parent in the life of the child, which means that the mother is the primary person responsible when boys fail. I did find a lot to like about the book, but I came away from some passages with a bad taste in my mouth that I couldn't quite place. I never finished the book, so I don't feel qualified to "officially" review it...but I will probably be checking it out again and give more thorough feedback about it at that time.

I do have more to say about how times are changing and there are different expectations on boys than there used to be, but I'm thinking of putting all of that in a post about all of the weird fucked up things that the spouses of my mama friends seem to be doing. My spouse included, but not singled out. It's such a common phenomena, that I'm wondering what the fuck is going on with boys and men - and I'm certain someone will blame their mothers at some point.

While I'm on the subject of books, the book I'm currently reading, while consistently good, COMPLETELY fell apart when I came to the chapter on prejudice. The authors really seemed to be writing with the assumption that the audience of the book is white and heterosexual, and when talking about homosexuality, they were careful to point out that homosexuals have made a lot of great contributions to arts, music, science and philosophy - even going so far as to suggest that if there is a gene that "causes" homosexuality, perhaps this same gene gives "them" an edge in these fields. The book also recommended that you invite a "minority" child over for a playdate so you can discuss with your child how different the cultures are and how much they are alike. Basically, it suggested you make a sociological experiment out of your child's friends. What the fuck? Granted, my kids don't have a lot of friends of color, but I certainly wouldn't be comfortable inviting kids over so we can "learn about their 'culture.'" - or even assuming that I would know that their "culture" is indicative of other kids who have the same skin color.

I thought the entire section was creepy and weird...especially since I think the book was recommended by one of those "Teach your kids to not be a racist" books. I haven't allowed it to ruin the rest of the book for me yet, but it's definitely off the top ten for this section alone, and I don't think I will recommend it, because I feel like I would have to explain too much. Maybe I could buy it, rip that section out, and give it as a gift to people.

Posted at 2:05 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Bring them home now.

August 18, 2003

Military families speak out against the occupation.

Stan Goff, a Special Forces veteran who has a son in Iraq, blasted Bush officials for "conducting state [business] like gangsters." He quipped, "Rumsfeld and Bush care about the troops the same way that Tyson Foods cares about chickens."
During an angry speech addressed to Bush through a translator, Fernando Suarez del Solar, the father of a Marine who died in the first days of the war, asked, "How many more of our sons do you need to bring our children home?" He added, "You are destroying the American people. I hope God will forgive you." He left the podium in tears and joined his wife, who was sobbing.

I heard an interview with del Solar months ago, and was very moved by his commitment to his son's memory. I'm pretty sure I posted about it then. I feel so awful that fathers like these...that families like these...are having to face this.

There will be an End the Occupation rally here in Austin in September. You can bet I will plan to be there.

Posted at 12:54 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Morning Circle

August 18, 2003

The kids have spontaneously decided that they want to start doing morning circle again, which is a good thing, as I'm hoping to establish a morning "lesson" hour beginning the first day of fall, and morning circle is a good way to get the kids in a place to "study."

Anyway, this morning we were settling in for some good storytime. M was on one side of me, and C the other. C had his fingers in his mouth as usual, with his big old pointy elbow aimed directly at my ribcage. M said something like, "Uh oh - there's That Elbow!" and C, fingers still in mouth, in his squeaky little 2 year old voice said "Yah, it's the ELBOW of DOOM!"

We all laughed long and hard. It was a great way to open the circle, and I read to them for well over an hour.

Posted at 11:58 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Digital Pearl Harbor & the Military Industrial Congressional Complex*

August 18, 2003

Brenda Stardom gathers a significant amount of information about cyber-terrorism that left me thinking about something Franklin "Chuck" Spinney said weeks ago on Moyers about how our military focus is insufficient for the types of attacks we are likely to face:

MOYERS: And don't you think most people, most ordinary citizens say, "Well, if we have to endure some waste and some superfluous and some corruption just to be safe, we'll do so"?
SPINNEY: Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. And particularly when you have a political system. It gets really out of control when you have a political system that caters to fear which is what I think is going on now.

MOYERS: But the fear is legitimate today, given 9/11 and the war on terror?

SPINNEY: Absolutely. I don't want to diminish the terrorist threat in people's minds.

The problem is that if you start thinking about how you deal with these kinds of threats, you don't need B-2's. You don't need ballistic missile defense. You don't need Comanche helicopters. Basically what you need are really highly trained individuals that are basically understand economics, anthropology, and— as well as fighting, particularly in close quarters combat which is the most difficult form of fighting.

And basically that these guys can insert themselves and infiltrate these nodes at lower levels of distinction. Not this nation v. nation conflict.

MOYERS: But wouldn't you con—

SPINNEY: And—

MOYERS: Go ahead.

SPINNEY: —and my point here is those kind of solutions don't generate big budgets. And that's the problem.

MOYERS: So we keep spending big money on those old systems even—

SPINNEY: For the wrong threat.

MOYERS: But America has just won a war against Iraq. I mean, some people would say, look, somebody must be doing something right.

SPINNEY: Well, the first thing I would say is Iraq has been under sanctions for ten years or so. They have a defense budget of 1.8 billion. Most of their equipment is vintage Soviet equipment. They're untrained. We spend $460 billion when you count the supplemental for fighting the war to take out Iraq in a month. If you can't do that for $460 billion what can you do?

You really ought to read the entire interview with Spinney. He's a very well-spoken man who has a lot of interesting things to say about the defense budget. You can also read his Statement before the subcommittee on national security, veterans affairs and international relations from June 4, 2002. He made graphs:

The dotted line projected backward from fiscal 2003 makes it easy to compare the current budget request to past budgets as well as the average budget level of the entire Cold War, which is represented by the heavy black line. The dotted line tells us that the FY 2003 budget would be higher than that averaged during the Cold War, when America faced the threat of a nuclear tipped Soviet superpower instead of a criminal network of terrorists funded by fanatical anti-American Saudi millionaire. Only the budgets that paid for the Korean and Vietnam Wars and those of the Reagan Administration exceeded the request now before Congress. Nevertheless, this spring, the leaders of the military services told Congress the FY 2003 budget shortchanged their funding requirements by roughly $25 billion, according to Congressman Curt Weldon.

*MOYERS: The military industrial Congressional complex?

SPINNEY: Right. Which I believe was a term that Eisenhower considered using in his speech, but he dropped the reference to Congress.

Posted at 8:44 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Free the Librarians!

August 17, 2003

Am I the only one who gets kinda excited when misreading news articles about Liberia, and imagining a throng of cheering, rebel Librarians establishing a peaceful, autonomous state?

Posted at 3:55 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Gathering Thoughts

August 17, 2003

I've been wandering around today, and right now I find myself at the library using my allotted 45 minutes of computer time. The computers are quite busy on Sunday, so I'm lucky I was able to squeeze myself in at all.

The book I'm reading, Bringing up a Moral Child, is proving to be excellent food for thought. I like that it doesn't mention religion hardly at all as a necessary means of teaching morality to children, and I like that they tie in all sorts of social justice issues. Whereas most parenting books that I enjoy are usually affirmations that my instincts are correct, this book has helped me to really clarify some of the parenting practices that I haven't been absolutely confident about. Things like reasoning with small children and giving detailed explanations, according to the doctors who wrote this book, are very essential ways of teaching morality. I would like to write more about this once I'm finished, but I do highly recommend this book to anyone who is interested in how parents can affect how a child interacts with the world. I've read a lot of parenting books in my time, and this is probably going to make it to my top 10 list. Plus, the authors write in a very accessible, easy-going style that makes it less of a chore to read.

I have a bunch of links queued up to post, but they are mostly links that I would like to discuss, and, if you haven't noticed, I haven't been doing a whole lot of discussing lately. I'm sort of experiencing all of the phases of grief at the exact same time, as well as a certain amount of euphoria. It's bizarre being me these days. The things that delighted me last month or even last week are no longer the slightest bit appealing to me right now. I find myself really just wanting to spend a great deal of time to myself, figuring out what I'm going to do next.

Which, I suppose, is why I have spent the last hour drafting a new household constitution...re-evaluating some of the rules of my household and trying to define and direct the energy - channeling it into something that will net positive results for all of us.

This is starting to sound like a business proposal.

One thing I realized today as I sat on the bus is that I spend entirely too much of my time SITTING. I need to stand more. Move. Walk. So I got off the bus on campus and walked the rest of the way to the library. It didn't feel good while I was out there in the heat, but I feel great now. Next week. That's really it. Next week I will take the bus at least 4 of my five work days and both of my days off. I know I will just feel better in the, er, end.

Cool positive things that are already happening as a result of this weird introspective/redefining mood...my house is somewhat cleaner. I have prioritized household repairs and I managed to unclog the sink by myself, and it has stayed unclogged for a full 12 hours now, so I think I can cross "Call the Plumber" off my list, for now. Next on the list is, I believe, the repair of a certain window, and I'm hoping I can delegate that task to the party who broke it in the first (damn) place.

I'm also planning to call a friend of mine who does landscaping and see if I can work out a trade of babysitting for yardwork. I'd be glad to pitch in with the yardwork, but I know she is just way more efficient than I am, and I'm pretty sure she could use some babysitting. She's always offering to mow the lawn and clean things up, and I'm always refusing. It's time to accept. I want the yard cleaned up in time for my housewarming and in time for C's birthday party, and there's a lot to clean up to get it ready.

So, yeah. I'm just kind of hanging out, thinking about stuff. Walking around. Singing to myself. Cherishing my alone-ness and not really wanting to change. Viewing my interactions with the children with a critical and precise eye...trying to keep things consistent, but also trying to find a consistent way of dealing with them with lovingly and respectfully.

Reading the news...thinking about the world around me and how I'm going to make my little space a microcosm of what I would like the world around me to be.

Posted at 3:33 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Am I Personal...or am I Political?

August 17, 2003

Gwen at Randomwalks linked up this "blog census" data:

Of the 6.2% of sites in the 'political' category - sites primarily devoted to politics, current events, foreign policy, and various ongoing wars - a bare 4% were written by women.

The question remains...who defines what personal/political content is? Is it strictly personal when I'm talking about my kids? What about when I discuss bullying? How about when I talk about food? Body size issues?

The study defined personal as:

dedicated entirely to recording the events of the blogger's life.

Is it possible that women experience politics more personally than men?

The study defined political as:

primarily devoted to politics, current events, foreign policy, and various ongoing wars

Is it possible that women tend to personalize these topics, and de-politicize them?

I'm just asking, is all. It would be nice if someone would define me so I could know once and for all...

Thanks for the link, Gwen.

Posted at 8:39 AM • Comments (11) • TrackBack

A question

August 15, 2003

Am I just an exceedingly on-edge person, or do other people really get pissed off about the sound of really loud motorcycles shattering an otherwise quiet evening?

We have motorcycle man down the street, who likes to sit and gun his engine for 87 minutes before going anywhere, and several bikers who like to accelerate to 4000 miles per hour between the stop signs, which occur on ever single block of my street.

What is UP with that? And why does it instantly make me want to strangle someone?

Posted at 10:22 PM • Comments (8) • TrackBack

Why Does The Bush Administration Hate the Troops?

August 15, 2003

Because they love money. And what better way to get money than by pandering to special interests when it comes to outsourcing and deregulating government jobs and responsibility?

For over a decade, the military has been shifting its supply and support personnel into combat jobs and hiring defense contractors to do the rest. And the process has accelerated under Defense Secretary Rumsfeld.
And despite the alleged wonders of private enterprise, those companies have left soldiers in filth, heat, and garbage.

BTW - I won't be surprised if the blackout is used as an excuse to continue the surge to complete and total corporate deregulation. I was hearing the AM talk radio case for this all day today. Utter and complete totall fucking bullshit.

Posted at 5:27 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Blogging from my office

August 15, 2003

Yes, folks. I am now actually able to SIT IN MY OFFICE, in my HOME, and blog. It only took me an hour to clear a space to the desk, and clean things off. I also swept the floor, AND I found the source of cockroach attraction - a box filled with tasty starchy packing peanuts. I removed the box, laid a ton of boric acid in the sizable gap between the baseboard and the floor, and voila! Instant office space.

Cleaning out this room has been my project for the summer, and I have slowly been sorting through the stuff I have spent the last couple years shoving into plastic storage bins. For instance, I sorted all of my bills and financial statements for the past 6 years; I have a tub for photos, a tub for toys, a tub for things I want to save (like baby drawings and various other memorabilia) a tub for all of my journals (a couple of tubs, actually) and so on. I sill have a bunch to go through, but it's taking shape in here.

What I want to do once I have everything decluttered and reorganized is transform this room into the toy library/office. Basically I want to put most of the toys up on the shelving unit and only leave out a few different toys, rotating new ones out each week or as demanded. I tried to do this by putting unused toys in M's room on top of his loft (he sleeps undeneath the loft) but M just pulls them all down. So I'm wanting to get more hardcore about it. For some reason, I can't bring myself to part with the toys, but I don't want to toy clutter to be spread throughout the entire house. Besides, regardelss of the fact that M INSISTS that he prefers for his room to be messy, I KNOW that he just doesn't play in there when it's not neat. Instead, he carries things around to the rest of the house, spreading mess whereever he goes.

And not only that, but as soon as C is potty trained (which, at the rate we're going, will be, um, approximately? Never) M's going to move into the top of the loft and C's going to live underneath. So I need to make room.

So, yeah...the office. It's a nice-sized room, has a shelfing unit on one wall, a really HUGE desk, a bunch of nice metal crates that I have been using to store my vinyl for years and years, a closet that can and should take on a shelving unit. I can move the craft table in there, too, leaving room for a nice hutch in the kitchen. Can you tell I've been looking at my house with a critical eye these days?

I went to the habitat for humanity re-store today and was shocked and amazed to discover they have BRAND NEW hunter ceiling fans with lights and remote for 75 bux! Holy shit! That's so doable for me, as long as my lawyer's fees don't cost a mint and a half. They also have very nice kitchen tiles for 99 cents a square foot. I'm thinking it wouldn't be out of the question to redo my kitchen floor. I currently have this really tacky (and kind of trashed) vinyl flooring, and the tiles at the re-store were ceramic. I do not know how many square feet my kitchen is...nor have I ever ever done anything even resembling diy home repair, but mama's gotta start somewhere, and the price seems extremely right, and the timing is right on.

I'm thinking the housewarming party I throw will be kind of a blessing of the home. I'll ask people to bring something to create a cheerful space, like a plant, a lamp, or artwork or something, and we'll all hang out and eat yummy food and talk. And then I might just throw a good old fashioned barn-raising party to knock out some of the repair work and painting that needs to get done.

Damnit, I'm going to make this house my home. And I'm going to have fun doing it, too.

BTW - In the middle of this entry I had to move to the kitchen because I don't have enough outlets in the office to plug in the computer. I guess I need to get a multi-plug thing-a-ma-jiggie.

Hope everyone's having a lovely Friday afternoon.

Posted at 5:05 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Some Power Outage Irony

August 15, 2003

This article from Common Dreams caught my eye instantly:

Daily highs have soared above 120 degrees recently as Iraq's U.S. administrators have been unable to get power back to prewar levels. Some said it was poetic justice that some Americans should suffer the same fate, if only briefly.
"Let them taste what we have tasted," said Ali Abdul Hussein, selling "Keep Cold" brand ice chests on a sidewalk. "Let them sit outside drinking tea and smoking cigarettes waiting for the power to come back, just like the Iraqis."

And Palast says there's a dim bulb in Washington:

So where's the President? Just before he landed on the deck of the Abe Lincoln, the White House was so concerned about our brave troops facing the foe that they used the cover of war for a new push in Congress for yet more electricity deregulation. This has a certain logic: there's no sense defeating Iraq if a hostile regime remains in California.
Sitting in the dark, as my laptop battery runs low, I don't know if the truth about deregulation will ever see the light --until we change the dim bulb in the White House.

Posted at 11:49 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

I wonder if that was Fair and Balanced lightning

August 15, 2003

Because, as I suspected (in my fair and balanced way) suspicions are being raised.

(It could have been fair and balanced heat lightning, right?)

Posted at 11:35 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Friday is my day off.

August 15, 2003

And here it is Fair and Balanced Friday. Woo hoo!

I also am going to get some good Fair and Balanced alone time, since it's Friday, and Friday is my Day Off. I am using my alone time today to spend Fair and Balanced time with someone. Well, I'm TECHNICALLY using it to have a business meeting with someone who volunteers with my Fair and Balanced organization, and we are doing business, but he's also a really nice and interesting guy, so it will be an enjoyable meeting. Plus I get to have some good Fair and Balanced Indian food for lunch. So, it's all good. As well as Fair and Balanced.

Before that, though, I will be hanging out with Fair and Balanced 2-year old P. I'm hoping to clean up my living room while he's here...but maybe I should wait until he leaves. The kids all play so nicely together. It will be a fun, Fair and Balanced morning.

But i guess I should get dressed before they actually come over here, and at least make a Fair and Balanced attempt at picking up the living room a bit. There's dried play-doh all over the floor right now. It doesn't look good. In fact, I told M that it looks like someone took our living room, turned it upside down, gave it a couple of good shakes, and then righted it again.

Sigh.

I did, however, get off work early last night...and I managed to do all of the dishes. So the kitchen is somewhat clean. I even mopped the Fair and Balanced floor. I need to get rid of this trunk that we use as a Fair and Balanced bench, as it smells like sour soy milk from having soaked up so many spills.

By the way, you do realize that Dru Blood is a reporter who always maintains a Fair And Balanced persepective. It is for this reason that I am participating in "Fair and Balanced Friday." And you should, too.

Posted at 10:02 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

someone ping me...

August 13, 2003

I think I finally fixed the stupid problem that was preventing people from opening up the trackback window. It was nothing major, but if anyone wants to ping me just to make sure, by all means, be my guest.

Posted at 6:24 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Holy Shit. You HAVE to check this out.

August 13, 2003

Liz set me up with phpnuke. It's amazing. You can create your own account, send private messages, have your own public journal, submit links and news, and generally participate in the loveliness that is fullbleed.net. At some point soon, we will have a portal front and center that will point people to the most recent posts of all of the fullbleed blogs, but until then, you are welcome to request an account and play with it. I encourage you to do so. In fact, I insist! Please. By all means! Go! Create a little network!

Posted at 5:46 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Home Depot

August 13, 2003

I dropped by the home depot on my way to work to price a few things that need to get repaired around the house. I was pleasantly surprised by how inexpensive it will be to repair my fence and my window, and how relatively inexpensive it will be to repair the ceiling fan. I also found some cute track lighting that I would love to install in my kitchen, and I spent some time gawking at tools.

Um, it's probably not a good idea for me to spend much time at Home Depot, because I start dreaming about all of the things I should/could/want to do with the house. And they are, for the most part, things that need to get done. definitely the fence and the window need to be repaired...my ceiling fan is broken, and it would be nice to have a new one, preferably with a light, as my living room gets very dark, and the light in the kitchen has been out of commission for years now...

All of these items would total less than 500 dollars, which isn't much to spend for some major ambience boosting, and I think once all is said and done, I'm going to need some boosting of the old ambience, if you know what I mean.

I'm considering throwing a house re-warming party at some point in the near future, to reclaim my space. Maybe burning some sage, hanging out with decorating magazines and figuring out how to rearrange my shabby furniture to make it look less shabby. Give stuff away, take stuff in, make food for people, have a celebration. I haven't had a celebration at my house in a very long time, and I used to really enjoy that. I'm looking forward to doing it regularly again. I'm looking forward to sprucing things up. Maybe not spending a lot of money, but spending some time really considering the space and working on doing what I can to make it more habitable.

Here are some things that I need to take care of to get that process going, in order of priority:

Fix Window
Fix Fence
Call exterminator
Get rid of dishwasher (or find someone to install it)
Repair dent in wall in living room (any advice on how to do this would be greatly appreciated)
Install new ceiling fan in living room
Install new light in kitchen
Clean up and mow backyard
Buy ladder and replace bulbs on back patio

[...]

I could go on and on, but the first 5 or so are my priorities for right now, and they are fairly easy and inexpensive wins. The rest will get taken care of over time. It's amazing how much stuff got piled up over time. Stuff that would have been so easy to take care of that was just way off of my priority list due to sheer volume of other crap to deal with.

I'm looking forward to taking care of stuff.

Posted at 4:53 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Dreams Come True.

August 13, 2003

It's looking like something I have been waiting for for awhile now will finally be happening in the near future. No, this is not a fortune cookie. It's my life.

Yay.

The deal is that I'm finding myself seized with self-doubt and worry. So, whatever "every little thing is going to be alright" and "you can do this" vibes that you can spare would be greatly appreciated. As well as whatever sage advice you might have.

Thank you.

(Oh, and if someone can conjure up a spell that will stop a 2-year old from whining all. day. long. will instantly be dubbed my "best friend for life.")

Posted at 7:55 AM • Comments (10) • TrackBack

cd swap?

August 13, 2003

I'm looking for the soundtrack to Kiki's Delivery Service...does anyone out there have this? C is obsessed with one of the songs on the soundtrack and I only know like 3 words of it. It would be nice to be able to play it for him. Please e-mail me if you can help. Thanks!

Posted at 12:31 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Dawn on Homeschooling.

August 12, 2003

I thought this was a well-articulated and thoughtful post. Thanks, Dawn. I particularly liked this piece:

It's funny that my mom thinks I'm the one pushing our family to homeschool when it's actually Brett who is absolutely convicted on that issue. I waiver. I worry. I whine. But Brett has never doubted our decision for more than a millisecond. Now being the lovely man that he is, he does say that ultimately it's my decision since the bulk of the responsibility falls on me but when I decided we would try it last year, he was relieved. Anyway, we were talking about all of this and Brett said that basically if Noah learns the three Rs, he doesn't care about anything else because those three Rs are the tools he needs to learn everything else. If you don't buy into that, our reasons for homeschooling won't make much sense but we do buy into it. We do accept that premise. I don't want to convince other people it's true because it's only true within the context of the values of our family. Other people will argue that test scores matter and that kids need to buckle down and learn how to study correctly and that knowing how to function within the system is an important part of growing up. And I'll say that I think tests are bunk and that scholarship can be learned within the context of a passion and that the public school system has nothing to do with life success. Now I don't think either of us would be more right than the other one. I think that it's all about what you want your kids to get out of life and how you think he or she can best attain that. I don't think my mom is wrong; I just think that I'm right.

Posted at 8:47 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

In times of absurdity...

August 12, 2003

Absurdity becomes normalcy.

[link via Jared, although I heard about it initially on, um, Rush]

Posted at 8:06 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Casting the runes...

August 12, 2003

Your Name: Drucilla B. Blood
Your Date of Birth: 01/05/1970
Your Question or Information: none of yr damn business

Past

Eihwaz - Banishing magick, removal of obstacles and delays, invoking foresight, clearing up hidden issues and situations.

Present

Daeg - Increase and expansion, prosperity, growth, major turning points in life, turning in new directions.

Future

Tir - Victory, leadership, success over other competitors, increase in finances, virility and passion (especially for men).

Cast the runes here:
Rune Caster

[link via chryse]

Posted at 7:05 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Blog Experiment

August 12, 2003

I just completed the questionnaire for this blog experiment. I'm pretty sure it's legit, so it'd be cool if a lot of people participated. I'm definitely interested in seeing the results.

Posted at 5:58 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Health Insurance and Living on Less

August 12, 2003

Richard has some interesting observations about the lack of community amongst the unemployed.

The capitalist system itself is characterized, at least for workers, by constant insecurity. While all the propaganda tells us how wonderful it is that people have a chance to move up, the threat and actual existence of downward mobility are probably much more significant factors. For much of the middle class, the threat of downward mobility becomes frightening and stifling enough to limit any genuine social ambitions or higher aspirations, basically keeping people in line. And for those of us who've already had the carpet pulled out from under us, the increasing daily economic insecurities become another, particularly special kind of economic oppression, complementary to, but separate from, the normal restrictions of poverty.

I'm sure there are tons of witty and wise things I can add to his observations, but I just don't feel up to it right now. I'm just glad the folks at Living on Less are doing what they are doing. They always give me something to think about.

Posted at 4:03 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Carvegirl might like these

August 12, 2003

Check out the pit gallery. Some amazing stuff carved into pits of various fruits.

[link via the ultimate insult]

Posted at 8:53 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

No Child Left Behind (but 522 pushed off the train altogether)

August 12, 2003

I'm getting tired of reading this same thing over and over again:

When I asked my supervisors and other instructors what was the meaning of these withdrawals, I learned that the students who came to our program were administratively withdrawn prior to the administration of the SAT9 test. I found some other common characteristics. All of the pushed out students I came in contact with were African American teenagers. Many were not functioning at their grade level. Many had poor attendance habits. None had voluntarily withdrawn. Some had gone back to the school with their parents and guardians trying to get re-enrolled but they were refused. Several of the students were actually pushed out of school precisely on their 16th birthdays.
Even some of my superiors told me that the reason the students were withdrawn was to remove low achieving (i.e., low scoring) students out of the test pool with the aim of raising SAT9 scores. Six local high schools were placed on an academic alert status by the State Department of Education. Low SAT9 scores this year would mean school takeovers by the state, and the local Board of Education was apparently willing to do anything to prevent that.

Posted at 8:34 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

As an addendum to my last post...

August 12, 2003

I have to say that almost immediately after C fell asleep, it stopped thundering and lightning out. So the thunder god was most definitely appeased. We all had a peaceful night's sleep, and I'm feeling a bit better this morning.

Posted at 8:06 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Devious parenting Manouver...don't try this at home.

August 11, 2003

I probably shouldn't admit to this...

I came home from work today feeling no less sick to my stomach than I felt when I wrote the last post. C and M were, of course, wide awake and ready for some action. Thankfully, there was a thunderstorm brewing with really nice lightening, so I managed to convince them to come lay down in the big bed to watch the storm...and they complied enthusiastically...

Perhaps a bit TOO enthusiastically, as I had to deal with two very jumpy, wide awake, active children jumping all over my body. At one point, C actually said "I'm going to put my BUTT on your FACE!" As I lay there, innocently trying to remain as still as possible to avoid disturbing the elves who were playing their very loud drums in my head and kneeding yeasty dough in my stomach.

Finally, after about 15 minutes of this jumping around exuberance, I couldn't take it anymore. M had mentioned Zeus throwing thunderbolts and lightning, so, seizing an opportunity, I said (in my imagination voice! I was clearly using my imagination voice!) "Quick everyone! Get under the covers and be as still as possible so we don't anger the thunder god!!"

Within 5 minutes, C was sound asleep. I only got up to hang out with M for a brief while before I went back to bed.

M questioned my integrity, and I told him it was a myth!

And I was using my PRETEND voice...the one that I use when we play rocket ship.

OK, there's no justification for lying, but I'm going to go enjoy a peaceful night's sleep now. All you honest people can deal with butts in your face and all night arm-pinching.

Posted at 10:17 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

It finally rained.

August 11, 2003

And I have the most splitting headache and am feeling so queasy. I wonder if the heat got to me or if perhaps I'm coming down with something. Considering how tired I have been lately, I wouldn't be surprised if I have a little bug. Which, in a way, is kind of a relief. I'd much rather be physically ill than have to worry about psychological exhaustion manifesting in physical symptoms.

I've been staring at my computer for 3 hours today, trying to get all of my work e-mail to go away. My butt is fused to the chair, and I did end up driving to work, because I was worried I would barf on the bus.

I have two phobias that I can name right now: lightning, and barfing in public. Both of those phobias would have been challenged if I had taken the bus. You can call it justification if you want, but damnit, I'm staying in my little bubble rather than risk the consequences of either of those two things.

Right now, I'm listening to Depeche Mode "Just Can't Get Enough" and remembering nights at McGreevy's when this song would come on. I can almost smell the Aqua Net extra super hold. I can almost taste the black eyeliner on my lips.

I have the same kind of feeling right now that I would have when I would drive home from San Antonio after another 12 hour day of too much driving, talking, and caffeine. I must have spent 2 years totally glazed from the traveling I had to do for work. It was hard to feel present. I'm so glad that I don't have that job anymore. Financial consequences be damned! Not that I would have that job anyway anymore, since they dismantled the entire training department shortly after I left.

I'm reaching for things to say, but/and for some reason I feel like I need to keep typing. I'm not sure why. It has been a long and somewhat stressful day, and I would really just like a nice salad, a rigorous back rub, a hot bath, and a warm lavender-scented bed. Ahhhh. I think I can satisfy all of those needs except the backrub part...maybe M can help me with that.

Posted at 8:44 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

child martyrs

August 11, 2003

Robert Fisk tells the rest of the sad story...yet again:

Even without the graves of Uday and Qusay, the family cemetery provides a bleak enough footnote to the violent history of modern Iraq. A few metres to the west is the tomb of Saddam's mother, Subha al-Tulfah, who lived for years with a second husband - Saddam's stepfather - who treated the family with great cruelty.
And then, a little further away, lies the evidence of another slaughter of the innocents during the Anglo-American invasion; two local families, most of them children, 21 in all, blasted to pieces in the village of Awja when the Americans bombed their homes on 2 April in the hope of killing Saddam. They were supposedly distant cousins of the dictator.

We never heard of this bloodbath during the war, of course. Nor was it reported afterwards. But here are the victims. The child martyr Reem Mohamed Abdullah, aged five; Lawza, her two-month-old sister; their mother, Fatma; her brother, Faez; their father, Mohamed, and Jassim Mohamed Turki and his family, two of them babies.

What's even more depressing is that I have no idea if anyone even cares that children are being slaughtered. In fact, I am just cynical enough to think that if I were to show this article to certain people I know, they would say something about the ends justifying the means. Because, you know, proximity is a crime. Who cares if the kids were babies, they would have grown up to be terrorists anyway, right? I'll bet that 5 year old had already burned an American flag. It's best that we just put them out of their misery.

Sigh.

Posted at 4:35 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Driving

August 11, 2003

Some of you might remember that I was going to have a grand experiment of car-free by choice as soon as I got back from DC. Well, that's pretty much gone to shit. I have been justifying my use of the car in various ways: it's too hot, there are too many things going on, I'm tired, etc. But the fact is that I took the bus almost every day last summer and didn't have the same issues.

It's not that I haven't taken the bus at all, but lately it's the exception, rather than the norm. I think it boils down to kind of being lazy and too tired. I could probably make a good case for the fact that I just have too many places to go during the day, but it's not always the case, and I would just be justifying my laziness. Like, right now I have about 2 or so hours before I would have to leave for the bus stop. This is plenty of time to prepare myself for the walk, but I'm spending that time trying to come up with excuses to drive.

The sucky thing is that I REALLY need the exercise. And, while the walk TO the bus stop would be a 100 degree nightmare, the walk home would be so lovely.

I'm hearing thunder out there, and I'm hoping that it will rain so that I won't have a choice but to take the bus. Rain will cool things down, and there will be no excuse. Right?

Maybe I should go take a nap while the kids are occupied.

Posted at 1:05 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

M&C

August 11, 2003

I'm very thankful that M has taken it upon himself to be the world's sweetest kid. Ever. I am totally not exaggerating. He keeps giving me hugs and telling me what a great mom I am. He hung out the wash on the line yesterday without even demanding his hour of computer time. He's doing what he's asked to do, and even some extra. He's entertaining C. He's being empathic about my crazy mixed-up moods. He's just ultra-ultra-ultra sweet. He's always been a sweet kid, but he's really taking it to the limit.

An example is this morning...he came into the bedroom to tell me "since c can't eat hard candy, I moved all of the hard candy from his bag into my bag, ok?" (these are bags from the weekend birthday party pinata booty)Of course, he woke me up to tell me this, but he was gentle and quiet about it. I thought for sure he was snacking out on candy, but when I got up, he very sweetly came up to me and said "Can I please have a piece of candy?" I asked him if he hadn't already eaten some, and he shook his head vigorously and said "NO!" I dunno if that conveys any sort of sweetness to you, but to me, it's like - I feel like I can totally trust this kid to do the right thing, you know?

On the other hand, C is being an absolute terror. Well, OK, he's obviously just having a very difficult time with this stage of development. He cries a lot, throws things, hits...and when he's not doing evil things, he clings to me and screams if I try to detach him from me. It's been very difficult for me to deal with this, as I have not been able to accomplish anything during the day while he's awake...and he doesn't nap anymore. I hate to have such a frustrating relationship with my little guy, but he is trying every last one of my nerves. I mean, he throws sweetness and cuteness in there, too, of course...but it's always only a matter of time before he purposely spills water, or throws a block, or hits M over the head with a toy...or some other such not-nice thing.

I think M senses how difficult things have been for me. Not that he's not a sweet child by nature, but I really think he is trying extra hard to do right things to make me happy, and that makes his acts even nicer.

In other kid news, in order to stave off suspicion that the kids aren't learning anything, I'm ordering the Oak Meadow first grade curriculum, using my tax relief check to do so, and our school year will begin on the first day of fall. Now that I know this, I feel less inclined to do anything even remotely schooly prior to then.

I'm also going to be supervising a computer club for elementary-aged children. I'm going to research some good programs and probably do a 2-hour class (or maybe just 1-hour, depending on how much attention span can be mustered) 2 Saturdays a month. I think I'm going to start with a typing tutorial or something - does anyone know of a good typing program for kids? I'm thinking I can do a learning activity for the first half of class, and then find a cool website each week and let the kids explore that website for the second half of class, and maybe set up e-mail accounts for all of them and have them send e-mail as "homework." It's FUN homework. Shut up!

Anyway, I just heard c crying, so I better get going.

Posted at 8:39 AM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

Tired.

August 10, 2003

I've been finding myself battling exhaustion lately. My body wants me to go to sleep as soon as the kids are abed, but my - whatever it is that controls such things...perhaps "sense of duty" - wants me to stay awake and fold clothes and clean up the wreck that was once my living room. I'm thinking I should alternate. I probably won't clean the living room even if I stay up late. I would like to do some yoga, but the idea of someone else walking in and disrupting the peace makes it stressful for me to get started.

Have I mentioned that I'm looking forward to having my own space? L doesn't even go out anymore, and it's driving me crazy. I know it probably shouldn't, and lately he has been helping more with the kids, but I still feel like I'm being interrupted whenever he walks into the room. And I'm just fucked up enough to feel angry that he's interrupting me, while at the same time feeling guilty and sad that our relationship has come to the point where I can't even deal with the threat of his presence.

I remember when I used to wait impatiently for him to return from work. I used to pretend to be asleep, knowing he would be home from the graveyard shift any second. I would hear the car pull up and scrunch down in the covers and anticipate his touch.

Or when we had arguments, I would stubbornly pretend to be asleep and secretly hope that he would come to me and make up. And he always did, until he didn't. And that's when everything kind of started to fall apart. And now when I hear the car pull up or the gate open, the first thought in my mind is "Shit." And my body stiffens instead of growing soft. And this makes me very sad.

So maybe the tiredness is a depression of sorts. There's so much I didn't anticipate. I thought I had already done all of the mourning I needed to do. Angela said in my live journal that I have had to maintain strength for so long. I wonder what's going to happen when I can breathe in AND out. I have no idea what's going to come next. At times this is a dizzingly exciting prospect, and at other times, it scares the crap out of me.

I'm dumping my therapist tomorrow and setting up an appointment with a new one. One thing that I need from therapy right now is in dealing with my relationship with my mom. I'm getting that I'm justified in being angry with her (the therapist I saw last week, the one I am dumping, said, basically "she didn't take care of you." and this made me...well, it made my hackles rise, even though it's somewhat true. When I said something like "She had 7 kids to care for, and she did her best." He dismissively said "She didn't have to have that many children." That alone wouldn't have caused me to not want to go back, but I still would have liked to have more respect paid to the difficulties my mother faced, if that makes any sense. Or, maybe not. Maybe I just didn't like this guy and it would not have mattered what he said." Anyway, so I'm kind of clear on the idea that my mom fucked up pretty bad when I was growing up, but I don't feel like I want to eliminate her from my life...and I just don't know how to continue in my relationship with her. I've been calling her, but it feels totally selfish now. I don't feel like there's any depth to the relationship. I'm curious if there can be. There's always the fear that she will bring "things" up.

Sigh.

Anyway, that's enough heaviness for now. I think I will go to bed. I'm tired...I have a busy week ahead of me...it's been an exhausting few days. I'm ready to sleep and be really available to the kids tomorrow instead of half-awake and full-on grouchy.

Posted at 10:50 PM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

Again, I ask...

August 10, 2003

Does our government support the troops?

SIR! yes SIR!

Posted at 11:03 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Mixed Feelings

August 8, 2003

I have mixed feelings about my new therapist. I decided that it would be interesting to get a male perspective, so I intentionally chose a male therapist. I'm wondering if perhaps I have too many issues with men to make this a comfortable and fruitful experience, however. I felt so vulnerable, exposed and somewhat self-conscious in his presence, and I'm not sure if that's something that will help or hinder this.

In fact, I'm not quite sure what I want to get out of therapy at all. I almost asked HIM what he felt I should be working towards. I have issues, but they all seem pretty much in stasis right now as I deal with one overriding issue that is really beyond my control. All of the things I CAN control, I am. Everything else seems far away from me.

He made me laugh, though, several times. He's kind of sarcastic, which shocked me, but also relieved me in a way. At one point, he reached in his drawer for a bottle of Tums, and we both laughed about the inappropriateness of that act - it seemed like something *I* would do, if I was a therapist. Although part of me wondered if it was a planned diversion. He seemed to go for humor whenever the situation became emotional.

He also mentioned the fact that I was "overweight" - and I'm not sure how I felt about it. He seemed surprised that that wasn't something I felt that I needed to talk about, and I truly do not. I'm leary about this. Kind of eying this relationship sideways, trying to discern if it's going to be helpful for me.

I guess it feels good, though, to be embarking on a relationship that is entirely centered around me and my needs. Kind of like seeing a gigolo of the psyche that I can reject at any time. No strings attached, as long as I fork over my co-pay. I'm giving it three sessions to see how it goes, and if I'm still feeling overly inhibited, I'm going to find someone else. Sorry Dr. B, that's just the way I'm teaching myself to operate these days. No more holding on to things beyond the date of expiration.

I came home from my appointment and did 15 minutes of yoga. I felt good. I went out to eat, too, before coming home. I realized that I do that more than I should these days, and I justified it by telling myself that I just don't want to go home. I don't want to share my space, and I don't want to deal with walking in on someone else in my space and having to fight for my harmony. When I did come home, I went right to my room and shut my door and did some yoga and it felt good.

Earlier in the day was the nurse out. It was nice...nothing spectacular. I had a smoothy with C, and spent 6 dollars that I can't really afford to spend on 2 raffle tickes for the casas for CASA playhouse raffle. I wish I could have given them 25 dollars. Not only does CASA do excellent work, but the playhouses they were raffling off were absolutely gorgeous. C chose the seaside playhouse, which had real laminate floors and windows that opened and closed, and then I chose the lighthouse because it was cute. I really do hope I win...i think it would be so nice to give the kids something gorgeous of their own in the backyard. Everyone send raffle winning vibes my way.

We also stopped by the library and picked up some chapter books for M and some videos, and M came home tired but exuberant from his daycamp adventure. I'm so glad that he enjoyed himself.

It's feeling like c is wanting to lay down and take a nap, so I should close this little recap.

Posted at 7:20 PM • Comments (11) • TrackBack

Busy Day

August 8, 2003

I'll be running around pretty much all day today, once it hits 10 or so. So I'm taking a minute or two here to collect my thoughts and map out the day for myself so I can feel a sense of accomplishment rather than exhaustion when all is said and done.

I woke up really early this morning, because M was not here, and I felt his absence. L didn't stay all night with him, so I was supposed to go and drop off a change of clothes for him and a sandwich for his lunch. C and I had a little time together before we left, and I made it to the church around 8:30. I noticed abortion man wasn't there, and I was relieved. Perhaps he takes Friday off, or perhaps he's suffering from heat exhaustion, as it got up to 108 yesterday.

At any rate, I got to the church and walked into the hall to find M playing with his friend D. He said something like "See! I told you I could do it by myself, MOM!" & I didn't know what to say about that. I'm not sure it's a good idea to tell a kid "I wasn't worried about whether or not you could make it - but I was worried about leaving you alone in the presence of strangers." I'm sure I'll find a way to talk about it later, but it didn't see appropriate right then, particularly after the fact. And it really took my by surprise that L didn't stay overnight, so it's not like I could have prepared him in advance.

But, anyway, I helped M get some breakfast, told both boys they did an excellent job, made sure D had our number so he and M could get together and play sometime, and me and C took off.

And now here we are. I called my mom to tell her about the comedy act, and she said, about D's dad, "Maybe you've found your lawyer." Which was actually kind of compelling, although I have no clue what type of law D's dad practices, and I feel weird going up to new friends and saying "Gee...can you help me divorce my husband?"

I really have to get over this whole divorce stigma. It cuts me down in the middle of feeling good about where I'm heading...although, really, I have been living like a single parent for a long time now. I'm not sure why it freaks me out to call myself "single" or to admit that I'm "getting a divorce." And why it's only in certain situations with certain people.

At any rate, maybe I can work that out this evening when I attend my first session with my new therapist. I scheduled that earlier this week. Basically, I will be taking C to the nurse out, then I'll be picking up M on the way home and dropping him off at home and then going straight over to my therapy session. I'm actually looking forward to it. I need to unload a bunch of this crap because it's building. Last night, when L came home, I thought it would be pointless to argue with him about why it was important that he stay there. I was just so crestfallen that my night without him here turned into a night...with him here. And it breaks my heart, too, that his mere presence can ruin my night. It makes me sad for him, because he's not a bad person, just awful for me. And I know he thinks I hate him, but I really do not. There's so much...I just wish he would find another place to live so I wouldn't have to deal with all of these conflicting emotions.

But at least I will have a place to deal with those things in the presence of a neutral third party. And I've also scheduled our first round of mediation - and I'm hoping that helps get us on track and headed in the right direction, as well. We'll see.

Anyway, after therapy today, I'm going to chill out for a bit. I might see if M wants me to watch P for her this evening, because she had said she had some stuff to do, and I will be home all evening with the kids.

Otherwise, I plan to just relax. I have movies to return to the library, and maybe I'll check out some new ones. It's M's last day of summer camp. Wow. I can't believe how quickly the week has flown.

I hope yr having a good day...

ADDENDUM: I forgot to add that as I drove away from the church today, there was a group of people holding signs that said "Pro-family, pro-choice" standing in the place where abortion man usually stands. They were blowing bubbles and having fun, and i was so thankful that they were there. Thanks Choice-people!!! I think I'll bring them some cold drinks or popsicles on my way to pick up M.

Posted at 9:21 AM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

Calling my own bullshit.

August 7, 2003

I have been obsessing about this all day, so I might as well get it out. I was so busy justifying my outrage (and expression thereof) about this whole issue with zelda and her heterosexism that I totally neglected to acknowledge the fact that someone used the "n" word (and then kind of tried to justify its use) in a comment on someone else's blog.

I just feel kind of like an asshole that I kept on and on about how this crap needs to be interrupted...and then I completely failed to interrupt it. And I worry that I made it all about me. So while I was reading all of these posts applauding my "right on"-ness, I kept feeling in the back of my mind like I wasn't quite so right on. I started to comment several times about this on that blog, but it felt wrong to then go on about how I should have said something. I had intended to say something about the use of the word initially, but I pretty much dropped it because I had had enough.

It certainly reeks of privilege that I can choose what comments to react to and what comments to ignore, based on my own personal comfort level.

Just thought I'd point out my own stupidity. I like to keep record of these things.

Posted at 9:58 PM

jokes.

August 7, 2003

So, I got to meet the parents of monk's comedy team partner. They were very nice folks. We chatted for a bit about "abortion guy" - this guy who stands outside of the reproductive clinic (which is right next to the church on a very narrow street, so the children all see) all day with a very graphic sign of a dessicated baby that is supposed to be representative of an abortion. I'm pleased that I've already had heated discussions about what an annoyance this person is with several people who go to this church, and everyone wants him to go away. I didn't tell Monk's comedy partner's mom my idea to get rid of him. I think we ought to start throwing used tampons at him. I figure if he can hold up a disgusting (not to mention completely inacurrate) sign in the name of free speech, I can fling my unfertilized eggs and the requisite sloughed tissue at him. What do you think?

I figured that would be a pretty weird way to introduce myself to this person, so I kept my mouth shut, but it would not have taken much for me to blurt it out.

Anyway, the comedy routine went great. REALLY great. Me and other mom turned to each other and said "We're probably more nervous than they are." I have never seen my son on stage before, and he handled it very well...he even used a microphone properly. It was fantastic.

And the jokes! Holy shit, they were funny:

M: What did the PIE say to the EAR?
D: I dunno!
M: I really like the story of the PIE-n-EARS!

D: How do you save a lawyer from drowning?
M: I dunno!
D: Take your foot off of his head!

M: What's brown and sticky?
D: I dunno!
M: a STICK!

D: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
M: I'm not gonna know unless you tell me!
D: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder...and the other, is a FISH!

I was laughing so hard I almost choked. And then D's mom turned to me and said "D's dad is a lawyer!" And I think I DID choke. Bahahahahahahahaha. I could tell his dad was the one who taught him all of the jokes, and it was pretty hilarious.

I'm so glad that Monk found a little friend to play with, and his parents were so very cool. I think I would like to see D again soon. I'm going to have to get his phone number so we can get them together sometime.

Also, Monk's bully did a skit that just showed how young and innocent HE was, you know? They are all just kids, trying to figure things out. I'm glad I waited out my first instinct...the throttling thing...because he's a good kid, if a bit unruly. And what kid isn't a bit unruly from time to time?

So, all in all it's been a pleasant experience. L went to do the sleepover, C's asleep, i'm here alone relaxing for once. I have to say it was WAY harder without M around to buffer C. I will have to tell M that when we get a chance to talk next. I didn't realize how much work he does on a daily basis, just being a big brother. And at the same time, it's nice that they are so in love with each other. When I brought C in to see M during the break period, C ran to sit by him, and was so so happy to see him. And while M was on stage, C was on my lap yelling "That's MY act!" bahahahhahaha

Anyway, I'm going to do something naughty like watch cheesy television shows and eat popcorn while I have the chance to do it in peace. Had I been thinking, I would have picked up a pint of ice cream for myself. Maybe I can con a mama friend into coming to hang with me...hmmmmmmmmMMMmmmMM....

Posted at 8:14 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

How ABOUT that weather?

August 7, 2003

Look, it's like 5,000 degrees outside, and inside...I'm exhausted, hot, and cranky...and I'm done "picking fights."

I did, however, address the bully issue at summer camp. I talked to his counselor, and she said that she will keep an eye on things. They might actually have a little group discussion about getting along with all of the camp participants. My mom friend was having a problem with someone, as well, so I didn't feel so bad about bringing it up, and the counselors were VERY understanding. They said that M seemed to be doing fine, so they didn't know something was going. That there had been some problems the first day, but they thought they had been resolved.

And I felt good that M has a new friend named D who seems to get along with him very well. In fact, they were so cutely holding hands while walking around, and M seemed content. I stuck around for a little while before craft time, but M told me to go away, so I left.

Tonight is the talent show...M & D are going to tell jokes. Which reminds me of my new favorite joke, and I figure now is a REALLY good time to tell a good joke, so here goes:

What's brown and sticky?

A STICK!

bahahahahahaha. Have a good day.

Posted at 1:48 PM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

Bigotry vs. Difference of "Opinion" (or, turning trauma into wine)

August 7, 2003

Some of you might have witnessed a sizable amount of trauma on this weblog yesterday. I know I did. Phew. And I need far less trauma in my life right now, but I thought the two different instances of disagreement were illustrative and might help the flailing Zelda understand the difference between mean-spirited responses to bigotted remarks and mean-spirited responses to a difference of opinion.

In short, for those of you who don't want to read my long-winded explanation, because my disagreement with Cobb yesterday was one of difference of opinion, I am linking him up. Happily, I might add, as he seems to be a very reasonable person with an interesting take on things. I'm actually looking forward to hearing what he has to say on the subject about which we disagree.

Conversely, since my disagreement with Zelda had to do with what I feel to be a bigotted ideology on her part ,and not, as her few defenders are trying to force themselves to believe, due to any sort of popularity contest or power play, I have removed her link. I will not knowingly link to people who espouse bigotry, no matter how hard they attempt to disguise it with some sort of twisted pragmatism.

In fact, I am at this point wondering if there is any way to present a fundamental disagreement with gay marriage from a standpoint that is NOT bigotted. I haven't been able to think of one.

You can click for more if you want the long-winded rebuttal to zelda's continued ignorance:

Regarding Dr. Spock's views on homosexuality - what decade did doctor spock publish in? This material is ancient history and is not at all in line with what is currently known about the origins of homosexuality. For one thing, since it used to be far more taboo to BE homosexual, most of the subjects of psychological observation were people who were troubled, and so it became "apparent" that "all homosexuals" were troubled and traumatized as children. Certainly to this day there is a great deal of trauma involved in coming out and being out, no thanks to bigots like you, Zelda. I can't believe you used freaking DOCTOR SPOCK as a resource on this. Surely you know he's outdated and not credible.

Oh, and I love the way you frame the debate as response to your "innocent" arguments about marriage. Zelda, you've been dropping hints about your "innocent" opinion for weeks, and you know full damn well that what you had to say was controversial at best. Cut the crap.

It is not hate and loathing to, as my tagline says "interrupt oppression" - it is rather my attempt to eliminate unwarranted hate and loathing. I was actually fairly gentle with you, and I would love for you to point out anything hateful or loathesome I have said about you, Zelda. Is it hateful for me to call you a bigot when you make bigotted comments? I have seen no hatred and loathing. Instead, I have seen people offering their counter-opinions to your opinion. Many of those people are, in fact, gay...and I feel considering the hatred and loathing you heaped upon them, we have all handled ourselves quite tactfully.

Regarding my "passive" participation on your weblog. First of all, perhaps this whole thing is a ploy for attention on your part, since you don't seem to think you get enough of it. However, as you know, I have linked you and commented on your opinion many times. I have not always agreed with you, so this is not a complete flip-flop of opinion. However, the things we have disagreed about in the past have been differences of opinion, rather than evidence of bigotry. That is the line I draw. You have crossed it.

Guess what, Zelda? Your little comment about how "you don't have to be queer to be feminist" is the height of snide bigotry. Ta-Da! Guess what? I'm not "queer." I'm sorry that you feel you are outnumbered by a group of hairy-legged lesbians, but I am merely a hairy-legged heterofeminist who can't stand to stand by and idly watch someone make ignorant, bigoted comments like "you don't have to be queer to be feminist" in the context of child-rearing. Guess what, Zelda - (whispering) lesbians can have children, too! Oh NO! What is this world coming to?!! (and, no, please don't take that as a hint that I would like to hear your views on gay parenting. I really do not.)

I never asked you to apologize, BTW. There is no way you can apologize for what you have said unless you actually, like, READ A BOOk or something and actually educate yourself about gender and sexuality issues. And I'm not the person you need to apologize to, anyway. Apparently whatever God you worship doesn't give a fuck that you are a bigot, so I'm not sure where that leaves you.

I don't give a fuck what Bush OR Clinton has to say about homosexual unions.

"Societal dysfunction" - here's where you allow yourself to actually say what everyone knows you are thinking. Homosexuality is no more a DYSfunctionality than heterosexuality. Society is not hindered or hurt by homosexuality in any way. Unless, of course, you happen to be a bigot.

So, you can stop examining and rearranging your words to appease whomever, Zelda. It's clear to me and many others that you hold a bigotted view of homosexuals, and that's not likely to change by rearranging and editing your words. When you say a group of people base their lifestyles around deviate sex, you really cut the cake, and it's clear what the cake is frosted with.

I really don't care if YOU care whether you are on my blogroll. The reason I announced my elimination of you from my blogroll is because *I* want to apologize to anyone I've sent your way who may be offended by your bullshit. I want to make it very clear that I don't endorse what you are saying, and that I draw the line between disagreement and disassociation at this kind of narrow-minded heterosexist crap.

Posted at 7:57 AM • Comments (10) • TrackBack

Being a hothead.

August 6, 2003

OK, I frequently do this in comments, but I have once again responded in a hotheaded manner to someone who might not have deserved that response. I still think my response was valid...I just wish I would have let the more calm side of myself prevail. Anyway, I wanted to bring it up front for everyone to see. It was about the issue with M and the bully.

A commentor named Cobb said:

I was one of those kids who grew up in the kind of neighborhood where there was no rich kid with the ball. We all had balls. So when it came time for playing ball, it was us kids who enforced the rules and decided who played and who didn't play.
When you are a kid with your own ball and you play sports, you soon recognize that the quality of the game depends upon people playing by the rules. You understand this long before you understand that about the real world and personalities. Kids don't have real personalities and attitudes that they manage with respect to situational ethics or their own strengths and weaknesses. That's the stuff they cannot yet manage, that's why they cry.

But kids can recognize cheaters in games and when the games are run by kids, as most assuredly contrasted to those games run by adults, this is where growth occurs.

There is no substitute for working out differences between people. Appeals to authority are nothing more than appeals to overwhelming force. This is the lesson parents who shield their children are teaching: there is always someone smarter and more powerful than the objectionable person you have been forced to deal with. Simply appeal to that person and your problems will be solved.

War anyone? Police brutality anyone?

My initial response was:

I'm not telling my child that he needs to appeal to an authority, I'm telling him to appeal to a neutral third party who can help him come to a resolution with another kid who is wielding some sort of power over him (in this case, the kid who is bullying him is more popular and familiar with the other kids).
I believe very strongly in the value of allowing children to work out their differences on their own, and in well-supervised situations where all children are treated equitably this works very well. We are involved in several homeschool groups where the children are familiar with the rules of respectful, appropriate behavior and within which the children are able to work out their disagreements in that spirit. However, the children are always encouraged/allowed to consult with the supervising adults if there is a snag, and there is always an adult available to intervene if things get physical.

What Monk is relating to me is that he is having a difficult time with the way he is being treated by this kid. He is actually feeling PHYSICALLY ILL due to the way he is being treated. What I am relating in return is that he does not have to stand alone against this kid if he feels he has exhausted every effort to be fair and he is still being pushed around. My presence there will not be to unnecessarily intervene on behalf of my child. My presence there will be to observe and offer advice to my child as it is needed, even if that means I don't say a word while I am there, but have a conversation about how to handle things appropriately when we are alone. My presence there will be to provide support to my son, who clearly needs to support of someone who cares about him. Fuck ANYONE who thinks I should turn a blind eye or deaf ear to what is obviously his request for assistance. (sorry...mama bear escaping...)

And I should point out to you that 7 year old children are CHILDREN. You can't tell me that this is an age at which kids should be expected to solve all of their own problems and that any adult intervention is somehow fascist in nature. Give me a fucking break. Just because most 7 year olds are forced to be independent and precociously mature due to the fact that they're pretty much seasoned wards of the state by then, does not mean that they are psychologically capable of handling that. From my observations, they are not. I don't even really have to do any research to back it up. It's being proven to me right in front of my eyes.

And, since you pulled the whole "war and police brutality" bullshit on me w/r/t my wanting to stand in support of my son against a bully...I need to ask you - what do you suppose it conveys to a child when an adult just tells him to deal with it on his own, when clearly the child canNOT deal with it on his own. What kind of tyranny is that? Don't fucking try to argue based on your interpretation of what intervention is, dude. I'm not going to pull a billy club on this kid, nor am I going to kill him and his family. At worst, if the situation warrants it, I might say "I saw what you did, and that's not OK." What I have considered is just shaking his hand and saying, "Hi, H. My son has told me about you." And leave it up to the kid to decide what M. has told me. More likely, I'll just hang out and make sure my son feels OK about being there, and remove him from the situation if he does not.

After all, he has plenty of interaction with kids in which all involved are safe from this kind of bullshit.

And then I softened it up a bit by adding:

I should apologize for my liberal use of, um, angry words in that reply. I'm having a difficult time keeping a lid on it with this issue. I'm also reading a book that specifically talks about the emotional development of boys at this age, and how they are expected to "tough it out" and how very much it fucks them up.
Cobb, I'm sure yr a decent sort, and I'm sorry for taking this anger out on your post. I'm not sure how much you know about parenting or homeschooling, but I need to say something about being a homeschool parent specifically: my kid is NOT LIKE public schooled kids. This is not necessarily a bad thing, either. He is not used to the politics of children. He's not expected to deal with other peoples' bad behavior by himself. He's not used to having other people judge him or talk mean to him.

My job as a parent is to nurture, love, and protect him so that WHEN HE IS ON HIS OWN (which he very much is not yet ready to be) he has the confidence to take care of himself in the face of this issue. My job as a parent is to build him up to be a kid who can express all of his emotions without fear of ridicule.

When M was a baby, I was told by all sorts of people that if I "just let him cry it out" if he was upset about something, it would "toughen him up" and he would stop crying. My job as a parent then was to let him know it was OK to cry, but to also show by my actions that I was not going to leave him alone to cry.

My job now is to parent him through tough situations like this, not to abandon him, and hope that he makes it through unharmed. He's only SIX, for crying out loud. He's got a lot of learning to do. I'm proud of the way he has dealt with the situation, but I will not let him lay on the couch all night with a stomach ache/headache and then "la la la" dump him off in the same situation with the same (lack of) tools again tomorrow.

I feel VERY strongly about this. I'm sorry if it seemed in my first post like I was asking for advice. I most emphatically was NOT seeking advice on this issue. If anything, I was wanting to post it to let other parents know that, in my opinion, the way I am choosing to deal with this is a viable solution that others ought to consider.

Thanks for the time you took to respond. I hope that if you encounter the same situation with your children, you have the clarity to deal with it in a manner that provides a growth experience for everyone involved.

I guess it's probably a good thing that I'm going to get a night of sleep in before I deal with this situation face to face. I'm a lot less confrontational in person than I am online anyway, though...

OT, but as far as zelda goes, in spite of what she says, I was neither a casual observer of her blog, nor was my response to her bigotry hateful. In fact, it was far more measured than she deserved.

Posted at 5:47 PM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

my angst was well-placed, unfortunately.

August 6, 2003

Picked m up from summer camp today. The kid who I thought was "not very nice" glared at me as I hugged and kissed M, and turned and whispered to his little friend. M introduced me to his nice friend, D - and I shook his hand.

Anyway, I could sense that M had a tough time today. He broke down in tears because he couldn't take his rainstick home, for one thing, and he just seemed kind of gloomy. He actually seemed a bit gloomy when I dropped him off, as well, and I felt kind of on edge all day, feeling like he was not having a good time but maybe feeling like he didn't want to tell me so.

Then he told me. Basically, H has been bullying him. He told M that he was "gross" for blowing spit bubbles, and then he stole a toy from him when they were on the playground.

You know? Fuck! It would be nice to send a kid to day camp for FIVE DAYS without having to deal with this crap.

So, we talked about what it means to be a bully, and how just because someone thinks he's gross doesn't mean that he is gross. And about how some people make themselves feel better by being mean to other people. I told M that if he can't solve a problem with another kid on his own, that he should not be afraid to ask a grown-up for help. M said "even if they have their hands full?"

I thought about it for awhile, and I finally couldn't help myself...I blurted out "And, you know, taking toys from other people is kind of an immature thing to do. Most 7 year olds KNOW BETTER than to do that." Yeah, not exactly an empathic thing to say, but I was really reaching my boiling point about this kid.

See...I would never be able to deal with public school, because I'd be showing up every day to throttle kids for being jerks. Maybe not physically...but I have "a look" that I think goes a long way.

So, I contemplated calling the director and informing her that impolite behavior should be interrupted, even among "older" children (and, I'm sorry, but SEVEN YEAR OLDS are not capable of acting appropriately without supervision. I really shouldn't be upset with this kid, but the adults who are supposed to be helping to guide his behavior.) But I think instead I will just hang out for awhile tomorrow and see what I can do. I'm sure the counselors DO have their hands full. In my opinion, that's not really an excuse to allow kids to be nasty to each other.

I'm thinking of what Susan has been pointing out here lately about "real world" behavior and one of the arguments against homeschooling being that homeschooled kids don't get the "real world" experience of dealing with nasty people. With this in mind, I'm kind of defensively wanting to say that I realize this sounds really overprotective to some of you, but I am sure I am NOT beign overprotective, damnit. My whole life is based upon the silly notion that the "real world" should consist of people who try to treat other people in a fair and just manner, and sometimes some people need reinforcement that it's OK to be NICE, and it's NOT OK to be a jerk. A seven year old kid is, in my opinion, not fully capable of figuring out for himself the appropriate way to treat other people. He needs guidance. I think this is the mistake that is made when people talk about socialization as if the socialization kids get in public schools is somehow superior to the socialization kids get when in the presence of parents and other loving adults (not that teachers aren't loving, but it's damn hard to supervise and be loving to a group of kids who outnumber you 30:1). People tend to assume that kids can figure out the appropriate way to treat each other on their own...and they also falsely assume that anyone who is mistreated should be expected to "tough it out" and be the test subject while other kids figure out how to behave. Um, no. Not my kid. And, by the way, I'm not interested in him learning the appropriate way to behave from the other kids in his peer group, either. Nothing against kids or anything, but they have enough cognitive, emotional, and physical development to deal with without being expected to be examples of appropriate behavior for other kids. That's what parents are for. Or grown ups. Any caring adult who is present with a child is a model for appropriate behavior. Screw the status quo's ideas of how socialization takes place. Kids are not capable of teaching one another how to behave empathically and kindly - particularly if they don't have good examples of empathy and kindness present in their lives! And, what is the status quo in parenting in our culture? "Crying it out" "Toughing it out" DE-tached parenting.

Perhaps, being the mother of the "gross" kid, H won't accept my guidance...but damnit if I'm going to absent myself from my child when someone is treating him like crap. If I can't help guide the bully, I can at least be there to offer support to my son. M says he'd be happy to have me stay there with him for as long as I wish tomorrow, and that's what I intend to do. I figured out today that C can't deal with M's absence without requiring my full attention anyway, so it's not like I'm luxuriating in relaxation here, anyway.

BTW - I have been leaving little love notes in his lunch bag, and I always greet him with a hug and kiss. While I would definitely refrain from doing this if asked, I'm proud that M is not ashamed of these things. I don't want him to feel like he needs to shun my love to be "cool" with the other kids. I so totally love that little guy.

Posted at 2:46 PM • Comments (8) • TrackBack

Wanted:

August 6, 2003

One Misguided homosexual to take the place of Zelda on my links list. Deviants and rebels preferred.

(rant forthcoming. Suffice to say that there are some things I CANNOT "agree to disagree" about...BIGOTRY is one of those things. Buh-bye Zelda.)

Posted at 10:26 AM • Comments (13) • TrackBack

summer camp mama angst

August 6, 2003

I find that I have to sit on my hands and bite my tongue whenever I drop M off at summer camp. He seems to have a penchant for identifying the one kid in the crowd who really wants nothing to do with him, and THAT KID becomes his "best friend" (in his mind). Anyway, he's doing that with this one kid at summer camp, and it's driving me nuts.

The thing is, if he chose a nice person as his "best friend," even if that person didn't really like him, he/she would at least be NICE about it. The kid that Monk has decided he wants as his "best friend" at summer camp is, I hate to say it, not a nice kid. I had to restrain myself from typing "a brat" just then. I hate to call other peoples' kids brats, because I only see one face, but this kid is...well, not very nice. You'll just have to take my word, because I'm not going to go into detail.

So, today I watched M totally kock himself out trying to get this kid to notice him, and then M sat over on a bench in a corner without anyone near him. I'm not totally worried about it, because he doesn't seem to be upset about it. He actually seems pretty happy and self-assured, but it just bothers me to watch him knock himself out for people who are cold and/or mean to him. And...well, it makes me feel like he has learned this behavior from observing certain relationships I am in.

So, yeah, dropping M off at summer camp is an exercise in self-examination and mother guilt. I'm proud of myself for not interfering, but I still feel it.

M is such a strange mix of personality types, too. At once shy and forthright, a leader and a follower. He exudes confidence, and is unafraid to speak up, but he also likes to be left alone. My mom friend who is a counselor for the camp says that he seems to be very content, and that he doesn't always play with the other kids, but he doesn't mope or act unhappy. I've told M he can call here anytime he wants to come home and I will come get him. He seems happy that I'm here, but he probably won't call.

My mom friend who is a counselor is also a homeschool mom. She said it was funny because she kept seeing Monk just hanging out in various classrooms, away from his group. The camp director came to her one day and kind of told her that she didn't quite know what to do about M because he didn't seem to want to go along with the class. My mama friend kind of smiled and laughed and said "Well, he's homeschooled...he's not used to being shuffled from one place to another." And the camp director just said "OHHHHHH!"

They're having a sleepover one of the nights, and M really wants to go. It's after the talent show, and he's all psyched, but he can't go unless his papa sleeps over with him. I would sleep over, but I still feel like I need to be with C, and I just don't think I want to sleep over at a strange church with a bunch of people I don't know...with C. I'm hoping L agrees. He said he's "thinking about it." I think it would be great if he would.

Today, our morning is clear. We have no plans, and I am looking forward to reading some blogs, doing some laundry, reading my book, and getting some alone time with C.

Posted at 9:55 AM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

Um

August 6, 2003

I have to say that I never in my life felt compelled to use the phrase "milling around" on a consistent basis (as in, "why is everyone just milling around - go find something to do!") until I had children. And a dog.

It seems like whenever I am looking for something. Like, for instance, my glasses, I am being orbited by aimless small creatures who insist they are helping me, but are actually just "milling around."

Posted at 8:27 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Quickies, as I'm rolling through the blogs.

August 5, 2003

Roni has posted pictures of the new baby and the happy family.

Redheaddread posted a really long reading list, but her permalinks don't appear to be working.

Denny posts a disturbing link about Bush and corporate interests.

Brooke posts links (that I will have to read later) to sites with information about how we are being manipulated by our administration. The song "Mind Fuckers Fucking Minds" by Flux of Pink Indians comes to mind.

Posted at 7:27 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Don't break his heart

August 5, 2003

In spite of my misgivings about voting for Dean, I enjoyed this essay, which recapped the democratic presidential candidates from 1984 on, and then went on to talk about the crushworthy, democraticky wonderfulness of Howard Dean. Well, Mark said it much better than I did...go read it.

Posted at 6:44 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Blazing Burnt Orange

August 5, 2003

Have I mentioned that I love the Burnt Orange Report? Maybe I should make that my second blog crush for this month. Byron's blazing with posts about the redistricting issues here in austin (in which he posted a link to this picture that made me laugh out loud when I was reading the Chronicle last Friday.) As well as a post that talks about the generally underhanded manner in which republicans are attempting to overthrow the system.

Make no mistakes about it, revolution has been declared, and it's those who outwardly scoff at revolution who are instigating it. I'm glad Byron's around to point that out.

Posted at 1:37 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Anti-Redistricting Rally

August 5, 2003

This is one rally they are actually announcing on the radio. Talk radio, no less. I will be at a birthday party, so I'll miss at least the first part of this, but I'm going to see if I can squeeze out of work and make some of it...

TEXAS ANTI-REDISTRICTING "UNITY IS OUR STRENGTH" RALLY

U.S. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay knows that our unity is his
weakness. In order to further his extremist Washington agenda he is
relentlessly pushing a plan to divide Texas congressional districts.

Come Together for the Statewide Anti-Redistricting Rally: From across
the state, Texans are uniting on Saturday, August 9 on the south side
of Capitol in Austin to say "Enough is Enough." Enough to special
interests. Enough to special sessions.

WHERE AND WHEN: The rally begins at 11:30 a.m., and if you can make
it earlier, others will begin meeting at nearby Waterloo Park at 10
a.m. to march to the Capitol.

TRANSPORTATION: If you live outside of Austin and need transportation
to the rally, then call 512-480-8999.

Be a part of history: We are honoring the courage of the Texas 11
and Killer Ds, the Texas legislators taking a stand against this power
grab. Great Texas music and special guests will be announced later.
Bring your family, friends, and neighbors to the biggest
anti-redistricting event yet.

For more info

Posted at 10:27 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

How'd I end up with a mathhead? (or, how my 6 year old is teaching me a new way of looking at mathematics.)

August 4, 2003

M. has officially way surpassed my logical thinking skills. OK, that's an exaggeration. However, I know he is way beyond where I was at his age w/r/t numbers. And he has arrived there in a totally organic manner that has actually opened my eyes to how numbers work and how people learn.

It goes like this. When I was in first or second grade, I was handed a "table" to memorize. It was the multiplication table. And I dutifully memorized all of the times-es of all of the numbers 1-10. Later in life, of course, as my memory began to fail me, I kind of came up with more logical ways to interact with numbers. Can't remember what 8*12 is? well, it's 8*10 + 8*2. Believe it or not, folks, this was never taught to me in school. I had to come up with it on my own, mostly because there is no way to "show my work" if I think it up that way.

M is definitely NOT a "show my work" kind of kid. He never even WRITES stuff down, and he is still way ahead of me. Today, we were in the car (which seems to be where a good deal of our math lessons happen, spontaneously and out of the blue) and he suddenly pipes up "Mom, if 2 halves make a whole, then 3 thirds must make a whole."

Holy fuck. He understands fractions. Like the CONCEPT of them. He understands that 1 piece out of a pie that's been cut into 6 pieces is smaller than 1 piece out of a pie that's been cut into 3 pieces...and now he's getting, through what I can only guess is an elaborate visualization process, that 3 pieces of a pie cut into 3 pieces is a whole fucking pie! Can you believe this? Am I freaking out over nothing, or is this pretty advanced stuff for a 6 year old?

Then we started talking about multiplication. He said something like "3 times 2 is six, mom." and I asked him what 7*2 is...but he didn't know "because I don't know what 7 PLUS 7 is, mom." Then he said "The times two's are pretty easy, but the times ones are REALLY easy...but nothing's more easy than the times ZEROES! It's always ZERO!"

OK, maybe I was a dumb kid, but I never really thought about WHY zero times a number was always zero, and so this must be why I was immeasurably impressed when monk answered my query of "why's that so" with "Well, duh! If you have zero sets of something...ya got nothing!"

That's my little mathmagician. I have a feeling I know who's going to be teaching me trigonometry in a few years. The way he explains it, it just. makes. sense.

Think the public schools would hire him?

Posted at 11:11 PM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

There.

August 4, 2003

I changed out the blog crush(es) of the month over there on the sidebar. Go Fish looks kind of lonely, but I didn't have any other people beg me for love, and I'm feeling too lazy to go through the blogroll and find someone else worthy of my affection. So, if you think you are crushworthy, you need to let me know so you can be next month's crush, OK?

Anyone who has been crushed on and who has not received a crush mix should e-mail me mailing information so I can get that out post-haste (more like post-sloth).

Now, go enjoy Nicole. She's fab. But don't enjoy her too much, because this month she's MINE!

Posted at 8:56 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Taking advantage of mad hits.

August 4, 2003

While I'm catching all of this attention from Nicole's direction (gosh, had I known it was going to pay off this much to crush on you, mama, I'd've done it long ago!) I might as well pop a question I've been meaning to pop for awhile...

If you were to teach a basic blogging class, what kinds of things would you be sure to include? Gimme lists! Work for my love, kiddos!

Also, if you were able to attend a blog workshop, what topic(s) would you like to see covered? I'm hoping to start opening up the doors at my CTC to wayward bloggers wanting to share information. What are your burning blog desires? Perhaps we could even do a chat feed or wiki or something during the workshop. Whoah.

Anyway, to recap the questions:

A-What would you absolutely be SURE to include in a basic blogging class?

B-What topics would you be interested in if you were able to attend a monthly blogging workshop?

Posted at 8:45 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Friend of Salam

August 4, 2003

There's a compelling post up at Where is Raed...excerpts of an e-mail from a woman living in Mosul, and her perception of what is going on there. Definitely worth your while. Christopher Allbritton sent me there.

Posted at 8:00 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Day One of Summer Camp

August 4, 2003

It's been a crazy day. This is the first opportunity I have had to sit down and catch my breath, and I don't have much time to even do that, as I have to be off again in about half an hour to pick M up from summer camp. Five hours sure does fly when you've got grocery shopping to do and various medical establishments to call to ensure a certain eye doctor appointment goes off without a hitch.

Regardless, here I am. C is throwing blocks around the living room. He totally did not want to leave M, and has been asking about M all day. And as I sit here in my moment of calm and am contemplating how easy life would be if I DID just send them to school, I'm also fully aware that the two boys share such a special relationship that would only be interrupted by school, and I don't want them to lose that.

So summer camps and other activities might pull them apart for a short span of time, but they'll be hanging out tonight. And I'm sure tomorrow will be a much more mellow day, as there are no groceries to buy and no meetings to attend and no doctor's appointments to run off to. I do need to make an appointment with the dentist for both kids, as we will be losing our dental benefits through the state plan. We're also losing our vision benefits, but I was relieved to discover today that M's eye condition is considered medical, and will still be covered, as will C, if he happens to have the same condition. I'm so thankful for that.

I'm also thankful for our grocery store cashier who just was so actively engaged in conversation with C that I wanted to hug her. What a nice woman.

Oh, Fuck. I just realized that tomorrow I have to work during the day. Well, then WEDNESDAY. Wednesday will be the day I get to relax and be mama to an only child for the day. Wednesday and Thursday, and then Friday I will have P over for a playdate...and then summer camp will be over, but I'm sure by then I will totally be missing the presence of my happy little M-elf.

(I'm trying hard not to mention that I almost went back to the camp after going to the grocery store to check up on M. I had these horrible visions that he might have to go pee, and would be too shy to ask someone where the bathroom is. Or something mortifying like that. Yes, I fully admit that I am way protective of my little guy, and I'm damn proud of that fact, too.)

Anyway, maybe I'll have something more important to say later. I need to catch up on the news, among other things, but it looks like that will have to wait until I'm at work.

Posted at 12:54 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

16 Distortions, Not 16 Words

August 3, 2003

Veterans for common sense has a common sense approach to the whole "16 words" line:

As Senator Carl Levin (D-MI) told the Senate on July 15: "The uranium issue is not just about sixteen words. It is about the conscious decisions that were made, apparently by the NSC and concurred in by the CIA, to create a false impression. And it is not an isolated example. There is troubling evidence of other dubious statements and exaggerations by the intelligence community and administration officials."
A partial list of those statements follows.

Posted at 3:21 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

jumbled up.

August 3, 2003

I am, once again, finding myself with a ton of things that I would like to express, and without adequate words to express them. Some are things that I don't feel are appropriate to express in a public forum, and some, by virtue of the fact that they rely on the former, would be pointless to express anyway.

Several people have told me in e-mail and in person that it's probably pretty valuable and educational to describe what I'm going through in my personal life. I agree that there are probably a lot of people out there who benefit from the seemingly endless nitpicky descriptions of what I'm dealing with in trying to navigate my way through the process of separation and divorce without overly negatively affecting my children. However, it's also difficult to talk about the process without discussing the motives...and yet the motives are personal to people beyond me, and therefore pretty much not mine to discuss.

So, what I'm trying to do instead is to present a somewhat distanced account of the steps in the procedure. It's taken me nearly 2 years to come to a place where I feel that separation is the only thing left to do. These 2 years have been filled with much agonizing, analyzing, and postulating. I have basically attempted to frame my marital relationship in various ways that might possibly equate to a positive experience for me, and I have been unsuccessful. I'm now at the point where even blame is insignificant. It no longer matters who is at fault for the breakup, just that the breakup is inevitable, and it is best to get on with it.

Of course, I have my ideas about how things should go, and the other person involved has his ideas. There are, too, these other people in our relationship that mitigate the breakup to the point where ideas don't matter nearly as much as action, but that all action must be well-thought out and cautiously advanced...which is not always possible when we are dealing with fallible humans.

In addition, there are other spectres in the relationship, non-human but borne of lives lived and lingering impressions that tend to dictate unhealthy behavior. This is another hurdle to the break up, as we each attempt to navigate each others' ghosts and records while also maintaining peace.

And, of course, I also have my idea of who is doing a better job of this...although we all know that I am biased.

Is this vague enough for anyone?

What it boils down to, after all that is said, is that my mom - from whom I have estranged myself for the past year or so and with whom I still have significant issues to work out - has graciously offered to fund whatever legal action must be taken to dissolve this relationship. I'm thankful for this, but I also know that this is something she can ill-afford to do, as she is not financially well-off, and she is preparing for retirement. I comfort myself with the fact that I have never had to borrow money from her before, aside from accepting generous cash gifts while visiting with her grandchildren, and eating her food. But I still feel ooky about being financially beholden to someone in that manner, which is partially why I have not made a huge issue of pleading for paypal money, even though I have threatened to plead. This issue seems almost too personal to beg money from total or relative strangers to resolve it, you know? It's not like shoes or a vacation...it's the dissolution of a dream. However, when it comes time for me to replace the dishes and towels I lose in the settlement, you can bet I'll be throwing up a wish list as quick as can be.

Regardless, when this is all over, when the things, the issues, and the children have been divided between us to create the gulf of autonomy that I am seeking, I am sure I will breathe easier. It is my hope that one day the other person involved in this matter will realize and understand that I bear no grudge or hatred, but more a sense of duty to my own mental and emotional well-being, as well as the future well-being of our children. That no other solution seemed to work, and that this is the final resort in a series of "last resorts."

And I'm looking forward to the calm pleasure of that resort. Where I can kick my feet up and sip a cool drink and cultivate harmonious chaos in my home.

Cheers.

***

P.S. It's no wonder that this song by Air has me totally enraptured:

The Vagabond

Golden waves
In all directions
I could lose my soul right here

Colour lights
On the runway
Makes a stranger feel unchained

I'm running after time and I miss the sunshine
Summer days will come happiness will be mine
I'm lost in my words I don't know where I'm going
I do the best I can not to worry about things

I feel loose
I feel haggard
Don't know what I'm looking for

Something true
Something lovely
That will make me feel alive

I'm running after time and I miss the sunshine
Summer days are not so far everything's
Gonna be fine

I have listened to it about 20 times today, relentlessly replaying it again and again until I can now just about sing it from memory. It has a sort of sad, but hopeful quality to it that describes my state of mind so perfectly, but also, since it's sung by a man, fills me with a sense of complete empathy for my husband. An empathy that really is not deeply buried in the first place, but that is in need of expression, as it's not welcomely received by him. (welcomely? is that a word?)

At any rate, I will probably listen to that song several more times before the day is out, and it will no doubt end up on my fall mix tape.

Posted at 2:32 PM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

Follow up on the Train Birth

August 2, 2003

Jessica was kind enough to share this link with me. I guess I'm still not getting that this woman is crazy, but oh well. I'm hoping she's reuinited with her children quickly.

Posted at 7:20 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

One more and I'm out

August 2, 2003

The fabulous Roni has had her baby:

The fetus previously known as Paris, is now a girl named Elizabeth Leilani. Roni is exhausted, the baby is healthy, and Daddy is very, very happy. So, without further ado: Elizabeth Leilani was born on August 1st at 8:53 pm. She weighs 8 pounds 3 ounces and is 20" long. And, she has a ton of hair.

Much love to the new mama, papa, and baby.

Posted at 4:09 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Does George Bush Support the Troops?

August 2, 2003

Um, no.

[link via nurse ratched]

Posted at 4:05 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Eddie Tews kicks ass, dude!

August 2, 2003

I have read so many good posts on this blog, and I'm not sure if I've ever linked it up. But I simply must add a "right fucking on" to this post, and send everyone there to read it in its entirity, even though the name of the blog makes me cringe.

The Shrub, in his first Press Conference in three aeons has taken "personal responsibility" for the infamous "16 words".
Okay, and...you have chosen to resign the office in ignominy? Okay, and...you have chosen to issue a personal apology to the families of each and every person killed and maimed in your execrable "war"? Okay, and...you're getting to work immediately in cleaning up the radioactive particles and unexploded munitions now lodged throughout Iraq? Okay, and...you're paying reparations to the people of Iraq for having destroyed their country? Okay, and...you're turning yourself in to the World Court to stand trial as a war criminal?

Posted at 3:26 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

This about sums it up.

August 2, 2003

Denny posts a list of reasons why you might want dubya to be re-selected in 2004. He swiped it from elsewhere, so you can follow the links...

My favorite?

You think the Iraq War is best justified after hundreds of American deaths and thousands of Iraqi civilian deaths and that Bush is going to need until at least 2006 to find any weapons in Iraq.

Posted at 2:48 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Nicole is on a roll

August 2, 2003

I love this post. Love it. And she is definitely my crush of the month for August.

Posted at 1:13 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Thrift Score

August 2, 2003

I ran errands for much of my alone time yesterday. To the library, to the grocery, to the thrift store.

There's this new thrift store in the neighborhood. It doesn't have the ambiance of a normal thrift store, but it has an immense selection and cheaper prices than most of the thrift stores in Austin. And M needs pants. My sister just sent a generous amount of hand-me-downs, but, while the shirts fit both boys, the pants are a little too big for c and a little too small for m. So they will go up in the closet until C grows into them. And M gets new used clothing from the thrift store.

I don't buy clothes for my kids much, as I manage to get a lot of handmedowns from friends and relatives. Unfortunately, M has reached an age where he's a little bigger than even his slightly older cousins, so I'm pretty much on my own.

Which is why I'm glad for the existence of this thrift store...as well as the sales tax holiday here in Austin. I scored like 4 pairs of pants and 4 pairs of shorts for Monk, plus 2 shirts and a skirt for me, plus a pair of shoes that show absolutely no sign of wear whatsoever...all for a little more than 30 bux. It was a good haul, and I'm very pleased with my thriftiness. I'm wearing my new shoes right now. They're so unworn that I am actually having to break them in. They're nice looking work-style shoes. Kind of like black oxfords. Very classy. And only FIVE BUX!

Posted at 1:00 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Breastfeeding Awareness Week

August 2, 2003

Word has it that the Austin mamas will be holding their nurse out at the big fancy hoity toity Barton Creek Mall. Meet us there to nurse with us, or offer moral support. From the ProMom nurse out organization site:

Austin-area nursing moms will be gathering on Friday, August 8, 2003 at the Food Court at the Barton Creek Square Mall from 11 AM to 12 Noon.

It should be quite a time. Coley DID end up nursing last year, at the very end. I doubt very much that he will actually nurse in public this year, but you never know. He might be inspired by all of the other booby babies.

Meanwhile, Scratchmittens is raising breastfeeding awareness by sharing breasfeeding anecdotes on her blog all week. Go read them...they are very nice.

Posted at 12:37 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

You know you're a parent when...

August 2, 2003

Yr staring at the back of someone's t-shirt that you swear says "Sex on Legos" - and you are about to give this person an empathic nod,

when you realize that the shirt ACTUALLY says "Sex on legs."

Posted at 11:51 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Today on NOW.

August 1, 2003

Now was so excellent tonight. Moyers had an hour-long interview with Franklin "Chuck" Spinney that I think every single person who lives in this country should be required to watch. Seriously. I think the transcript is going to be up later. I hope it is, anyway. You should read it. I wish I could quote from it.

i would write more, but my wrists hurt. just go read the info on the now site. It's maddening stuff.

Posted at 11:29 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Waking up late and other tales of woe

August 1, 2003

I woke up at the impossible hour of NINE AM today. Un-be-fucking-lievable. M is still asleep, and C, who went to bed at 7:30 last night, was the one who woke me. I think he had been trying to wake me since 8 AM, but I used my incredible mama-needs-sleep powers to resist opening my eyes. Once I open my eyes, it's history. There's no going back. But if I can keep my eyes closed, he usually goes back to sleep.

There was a point at like 3 in the morning where C did wake up and demand milkinasippycup@!!!!!! Amazingly, I was able to get up and get him some soy milk without muttering angrily and exasperatedly, and he was willing to go back to sleep right after he finished drinking. He actually said "I close eyes and go sleep now." How nice! Perhaps I should remember that next time I start throwing a temper tantrum of my own when he wakes up in the middle of the night.

Today, what do I have planned? I'll probably go to the Y and actually talk to someone in person, since no one appears to be answering my e-mails. Then I'll go get myself some coffee or maybe even some *gasp* lunch. Then I'm thinking I'll swing by connections to check out some cool toys for the kiddos. It's my day off, you know, so I get my allotted and coveted Time To Myself. I'll probably sneak over to the library and pick up a few chapter books for M, as well as returning some. The kid has been reading a book a day for the past week. I hate to be lazy, but it totally keeps him occupied, so I feel compelled to encourage him.

Please note that I will once again be spending my coveted Time To Myself running errands I would not run if I didn't have children.

When I am finished with my alone time, I will probably come home and do a bit of cleaning and then head over to M's house for the Moyers show, if she doesn't already have guests.

Now I have to get C some "raisin branS" he will NOT have anything to do with this mere "raisin bran" crap...it must be called raisin branS!

Posted at 9:56 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

What do you make of this?

August 1, 2003

I'm not getting at all that this woman was in any way acting in a manner that would indicate that she is a danger to her child. Sure, her behavior was a little strange, but she GAVE BIRTH ON A FREAKING TRAIN! Wouldn't you be a little out of sorts if you did that?

This article tries to make it sound as if there is something clearly very off about this woman, and in fact her baby was taken from her due to her "bizarre behavior." It sounds reasonable to me that she would refuse help from the train passengers, considering she's a nurse...and it sounds like she handled things quite well. I suppose the fact that she didn't need a doctor to help her deliver a baby is grounds for investigation.

And it's weirdly contradictory. Like there's this description:

About 90 seconds later, Chin said, ''I saw a head, then full baby fall out from her skirt, hit the floor sideways and slide the length of the doorway, stopping when he bumped up against the next row of seats. Still she stared out the window. Either she didn't know it happened or didn't want to acknowledge it.''

followed by this:

Judge bent down, picked up the baby and wrapped it in her scarf, Chin said.

If the baby had slid all over the place (which I don't particularly think is a sign that the mother is abusive or "off" - there is, after all, well-documented evidence that women giving birth enter a trance-like state) how could the mother simply "bend down" to pick the baby up.

The article ends:

DSS, which has no record of any prior contact with the family, placed Judge's two other children in temporary custody yesterday. Denise Monteiro, a DSS spokeswoman, said the baby will not be released to Judge, who said she works for Boston Public Schools in food and nutritional services, unless the agency is convinced she can care for the child. The hospital is conducting a psychiatric evaluation of Judge, Monteiro said.

''We're trying to find out what prompted this behavior,'' she said. ''It makes us concerned about her and it makes us concerned about her baby.''

And I'm freaked out by this. Why have they taken this woman's children from her? And why are we not hearing her side of the story in this article? This was very disconcerting for me, and I can't quite put a finger on it.

Thanks to Jessica for the link.

Posted at 12:02 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack