Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: September 2003 Archives

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« August 2003 | Main | October 2003 »

I wonder how many more times I will be able to get away with this.

September 30, 2003

The boys are having one of their "slumber parties." They don't know it yet, but a "slumber party" is a desperate attempt for mama to get some peace and quiet before the usual bedtime. It always involves letting the boys sleep in the same bed. Sometimes a flashlight, sometimes there's popcorn. Tonight there was an admonishment that they MUST. STAY. IN. BED. (and to please try not to hurt each other). The light was put out about 45 minutes before Monk's usual bedtime, and mama sat in the kitchen with her head on the kitchen table for a little while.

I can here them in there - which is against the rules of this particular slumber party - but I'm not going to go in there. I'm just going to sit here and wait for there to be silence in that general area so I can go about my nightly business. I might even sleep in Monk's bed, after I change the sheets.

It has been. A Day. And not for any reason other than I am tired. Friday can't come soon enough. Work is stacked up for me, and home is also busy. Very busy. Monk has outside the home activities just about every day of the week, I have about a thousand lincoln logs that I need to find and return to Connections, library books are overdue...all of this stuff that really clearly indicates that I need a vacation, but it's not looking like a vacation is imminent because, frankly, I have too much work to do at work.

At work, I'm busy trying to help organize my part of a webraising that will be taking place in November, working on my blogging class, trying to get a volunteer to teach a Photoshop class (which starts in, like, TWO WEEKS), working on pulling some stuff together for a curriculum project we've undertaken, and doing a bunch of general paperwork that is required for the day-to-day operations of where I work. Plus other stuff that I am conveniently allowing myself to not think about for now...I'm sure I'll remember it all when I'm at work tomorrow (oh yeah shit, I need to submit my freaking timesheet.)

The boys just burst from the bedroom, talking about being BORED. They are tired of playing "tomato" - which, apparently, is a game where they both curl up into little balls on the bed, pretending they are "tomatoes" and roll around all over. Coley no longer wants to play that game. He'd much rather throw Lincoln Logs all over the living room (someone PLEASE remind me to NEVER EVER EVER get lincoln logs from connections again.)

Anyway, I allowed myself to look at some paint chips today. I'm getting excited about painting that back room, and I have found someone who will be able to help me. He has all of the painterly supplies that I need, plus he has a vested interest in helping me out. Plus I will make him food and stuff in exchange. I'm very thankful to be getting some help. VERY thankful. I think he also might help me repair my fucking gate so it doesn't scrape the ground when I try to open and close it. This is a good thing.

I'm tired. I'm so so so terribly grouchy right now. And I'm thinking about my questions from yesterday - about reframing that "On Strike" post to focus more on what parents need - what choices would we WANT - rather than what is currently available. I gotta tell you, there's a false dichotomy between those who work outside the home and those who work primarily inside the home. Working outside the home is not necessarily what I would consider child abuse or even, as I termed it, "abandoning your child to the state." The issue is not the number of hours you spend in the presence of your children. The issue is the amount of time you spend being fully present with your children. And not only that, but what are the options you would like to have that are currently unavailable to you.

For me, my living/working situation feel so tenuous as to be frightening. I have no idea if I'm going to be able to keep my job in a year if our funding runs out. And if I don't keep this job, I can't as of right now think of a single job that I can take in the evenings that would pay me what I'm making now - enough to live. And this home is not sale-worthy in the least, so I don't have the option of "just selling" and getting on. I'm thankful that for now I have the ability to make the choices that I have made, and I really don't tend to dwell on the tenuousness of those options, but I do on occasion get pissed off about the fact that I am THIS close to being unable to support my ideal lifestyle, which isn't all that extravagant. And that takes me right into being pissed off that there are people who can't even get to where I am, in a position where they even have a tenuous relationship with something resembling an ideal situation.

It makes me mad that we're so tired, and that we don't have time to form communities for ourselves and our children. It angers and frustrates me that our economic system places more value on working to create product than it does on working to nurture our children and each other. It pisses me off that my children will be indentured servants to the debt we are creating ever day. A fiscal debt. An emotional debt. An environmental debt. A TIME debt. We are borrowing all of these things from our children without the ability or intention to pay it back.

My argument is that the world will not cave in upon itself if we all "worked" a lot less (and by "work" I mean doing meaningless tasks for profit rather than meaningful tasks to fulfill need). In fact, the world would most likely benefit from a slowing of production and unnecessary work. So, that's my ideal. My ideal looks like a world where the needs of all people are fulfilled, including the need for some people to stop. To slow down. To NOT work. It's not laziness that compels us to slack. It's sanity.

Posted at 11:16 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Could I BE any more GROUCHY?

September 30, 2003

I woke up way too early today so I could babysit for someone (for pay! Yay.) and the kids and I basically went right from the babysitting gig to our co-op craft gathering. Which meant that neither child really had any one-on-one time with me, and I was fucking GROUCHY.

It seemed like everything Monk said the whole day was YELLED. And both kids were saying poop and pee and ass and butt like every fourth or fifth word they spoke, and I really really am feeling very burned out here.

But...it's now 3:15. Soon I will be able to go into a brief seclusion to proofread some resumes, and then I will go to work briefly, and then I'm going to meet up with my workmates and the teachers we share our classrooms with and have dinner. I'm hoping I can get through the night without telling someone to fuck off. Because right now, that's really what I feel like screaming. Loud.

I'll be ok after I top off the caffeine level.

Posted at 3:13 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Changing the Rhythm

September 29, 2003

I've noticed something somewhat disturbing in the past couple of weeks, since we've been trying to maintain some sort of regular rhythm in our homeschool day. That is, I don't spend very much time in one-on-one activities with Coley. Most of the activities that I have planned through the days are Monkcentric, and I just find something to distract Coley enough to allow us to do our work.

I also really need to scrap this overly restrictive schedule that I planned out and instead offer a menu of activities that the kids can choose from on a daily basis. I figured out that what I'm going to do is have morning circle time where we're all together, and then do one-on-one with Coley for about an hour or so while Monk plays with the computer or entertains himself...and then in the afternoon, Monk will get my undivided attention for an hour or so while Coley is engaged in something that he enjoys (like playing in Monk's room or playing with the computer). Then when I come home from work - at bedtime - I'll spend about 30 minutes with each of them one-on-one.

Soon enough, Coley will be able to understand when it's Monk's turn to have my full attention, and it won't be nearly as difficult as I know it's going to be at first. He already seems to understand the bedtime thing - I've been able to put him down and then tell him "OK, now I have to go put Monk to bed" and Cole will lay in bed by himself until he falls asleep.

Today, the boys played outside for much of the morning. I am so happy that summer is drawing to a close. Coley and I did some painting, and now he's walking around the house with a magnifying glass, "finding clues."

Another idea I have is to do a weekly newspaper scavenger hunt. Doesn't this sound like an awesome way to occupy the kids so I can read the paper at least once a week? Monk can look for words and concepts, and Coley can look for pictures. Does anyone have any good ideas about stuff I should put on the scavenger hunt list? Stuff like "find a map" or "look in the classified ads for a car you might like" or something. Gimme some ideas! I'm going to do it this week with the Sunday paper. This dovetails nicely with my idea that I want to find a few articles every week that illustrate simple, positive things that happen every week.

Some links for newspaper scavenger hunts:

http://iteslj.org/Lessons/Goodmacher-NewsScaven.html

http://216.239.41.104/search?q=cache:y3PT3vbUxUoJ:www.redding.com/community/nie/activities/act_news_scavenger_hunt.shtml+%22newspaper+scavenger+hunt%22&hl=en&ie=UTF-8

http://www.teachercreated.com/lessons/000721cl.shtml

http://www.nwanews.com/nie/educators/PDFs/Another_Scavenger_hunt.pdf

http://www.kidskitchenreadingclub.com/kids/rc_newshunt.html

http://teachers.net/lessons/posts/2836.html

http://www.bgsu.edu/colleges/edhd/programs/ASPECT/po2.html

http://www.flash.net/~presv/Frames/TeacherHints/NewspaperScavengerHunt.htm

Posted at 12:32 PM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

Gone Protesting.

September 29, 2003

I somehow managed to convince Monk to come with me to the protest. Don't even ask me how, because it was a lot easier than I though, and did not involve bribes in any way...although after he agreed, I did tell him that I would get him some ice cream after the fact. So I spent the morning packing our snack bag and preparing for the day's adventure. Sandwiches, fruit leather, energy bars, water...and when some friends stopped over, I was able to run to the store and pick up some juice, which is a special treat for my kids.

We were late heading out, and just as we got about a block from the bus stop, I saw our bus pass by. Rats. Buses don't run often on Sunday here, so I mentally prepared myself for a 30-45 minute wait at the bus stop. Luckily, there's a bus stop by a church here where they have a bunch of benches spread out under a large, shady tree with rocks all around. The kids were able to entertain themselves by looking at rocks. Monk declared that he was Zeus! King of the Sky! Cole was Hera, who Monk claimed was King of the Sea! (I think he's wrong about this one, but I haven't checked yet.) and I was Hades! King of the Underworld! I got about ten minutes of entertainment factor out of insisting that I was, instead, King of the underWEAR! Well, OK, Cole was entertained by this...Monk just kept getting progressively more pissed off until finally our bus arrived.

Amazingly enough, my friend and neighbor M got on the bus at the next stop. Well, I mean, M is car free, so it's not like it's amazing for her to ride the bus...and we see each other at protests all of the time, so it's not like it was amazing that she should be going to this protest...but, well, I'm not quite sure what was amazing about it, except maybe that we were both running late and that we hadn't talked about attending this protest when we saw each other last week. At any rate, we rode down to the stop closest to the library.

As we approached Wooldridge Park, I was a bit disappointed by the turnout. We sat down to listen to the speakers. Monk didn't seem very pleased, so I was trying to cheer him up by pointing to all of the cool dogs who came out to protest the war. We saw Susan, of comments fame...and when the presenters stopped talking we all got up to march a very indirect route to the Federal Building. I don't usually take the kids with me to protests, and I realized yesterday that it's very difficult for me to participate with them present. I felt very concerned that Monk might have been too hot or not having fun, so I kept asking him if he was OK, and even though he had what looked like a very serious look on his face, he kept saying "I'm FINE mom! Gah!"

It went on like this, Cole asleep in the stroller and monk acting vaguely dissatisfied in spite of his claims of being "fine." until suddenly I heard Monk giggle. I looked over at him, and he declared "I LIKE that sign!" and pointed to the sign that said "Impeach the lying weasels" and had a crudely drawn image of a weasel. We both laughed about it, and Monk seemed to enjoy himself a bit more after that.

At one point, Monk asked me "Is this protest "civil disorder?" And I responded, not knowing if there was a technical DEFINITION of civil disorder, and not really feeling like disorder is necessarily a BAD thing, "Well, no. Civil disorder implies that people are out of order, and we are completely IN order. All of the people here are just using a particular mode of expression because we all feel like we're not being heard." I stopped short of explaining that civil disorder was not necessarily a BAD thing...there are just some things I probably need to save for later. "This is just part of being an American, Monk. I feel like we are all doing our duty here."

This seemed to perk him up a bit.

I have to say that the asshole in the SUV at, I think, 8th and Congress, who felt like a good counter protest would be to sit there and rev his engine threateningly as we held up traffic crossing the street, was a complete idiot. He couldn't have provided a better metaphor - sitting in his gas guzzler, guzzling more gas just to bestow a warning upon people who were walking in the street with no protection save the two or three motorcycle cops separating the cars from us. Brilliant, dude. You really made your point. You'd rather RUN INNOCENT, UNARMED PEOPLE OVER in your car than allow them to have a voice. Love it. You should be president.

Anyway, We made it to the Federal Building in one piece, and sat upon the uncomfortable concrete there and listened to more speakers. I was even more disappointed by the turnout when they called the family members of people who are currently in Iraq to the podium and what looked like HALF of the people present made their way to the front of the crowd. We all heard stories of the family members who are currently serving. Some righteous anger over the various injustices being done to the members of our armed forces...

But mostly I was just barely able to pay attention as I watched my kids run around and around. The pavement at the federal building is seriously some dangerous stuff, and several kids were sporting skinned knees as a medal of honor for having survived a fall there. I was just waiting for Coley to fall down and skin his entire face or something...and at the same time, they were having so much fun chasing each other around that I didn't want to interfere. So I just sat there, silently fearful, but enjoying the sound of their laughter.

And that's pretty much how it ended. We went to the bus stop, rode the bus home. Monk made sure to point out that he booed at the speakers (I didn't hear him boo, but I think he felt like he hadn't staged an adequate counter-protest, and that I might get the idea that he was hip to all of this dumb peace stuff.) I got the kids their promised ice cream and we made pizza for dinner.

Pretty much it's an entirely different scene for me when I bring the kids. I feel kind of restricted and distracted, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But the whole protest seemed very low-energy, and I'm having a difficult time determining if that's because it was a low-energy protest or if it's because I wasn't really able to invest as much of my energy into it as I wanted.

I did get to meet a couple of cool mamas, one of whom I've met before, but never really hung out with. They were people from the old hipmama days. I was pleased about that.

Posted at 9:13 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Monkisms

September 28, 2003

Monk came up with two of the best Monkisms I have ever heard last night. I thought I'd share. He's so funny!

First, he was in his room reading Ranger Rick. I think this issue has a bunch of stuff about spiders, so that's what he was reading. Frequently, when Monk reads books, he will poke his head out from wherever he's holed up and spew some kind of factoid or other about the topic at hand. He came out into the kitchen and said, "Mom! Mom! Mom! Now I know why spiders have SO MANY eyes!"

"Why's that, Monk?" I responded, innocently assuming he was going to regurgitate some trivia about the hunting and/or mating habits of some spider or other...

Instead, he responded "Well, duh! They need them because they have SO MANY children!"

Did I ever hear that! What I wouldn't give for 6 more arms and a few hundred extra pairs of eyes.

Anyway, later we were quizzing each other with Brainquest First Grade. (and yes, as a matter of fact I DID get all my questions right, thankyouverymuch. Genius points and ALL.) One of the questions I had to ask him was something like "What is the sun composed of: Gas? Water? or Oil? I shit you not when I say that my war-loving, peace-bashing son said:

"Well, I know it's not made of oil, because if it was, the United States would have invaded it by now."

Oh, man. I've brainwashed him. Just like I brainwashed Cole this morning by accidentally getting him hooked on these little flash videos that Ms. Insane sent me the link to on AIM. The child kept making me show them to him again and again and again...and tonight when I was putting him to sleep, he started singing the Oompa Loompa song, and I just know he was visualizing George W. Bush in braids.

Posted at 10:59 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Radical Cheerleaders make Newsweek

September 28, 2003

Infoshop linked up this Newsweek article about the radical cheerleaders. I like how they tried to insert drama by making it sound like the radical cheerleaders are somehow treading on the sacred rite of perky females and males everywhere who uphold some sort of cheerleader code or something.

The picture kicks ass, too. We could have used some radical cheerleading at todays demonstration to spice things up a bit, but I was too busy trying to keep my children from scraping off the top five layers of their skin on the SURELY-designed-to-be-dangerous-and-uncomfortable pavement at the Federal building.

What an exhausting day. More later.

Posted at 6:41 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

On Strike [part one of two]

September 28, 2003

Yesterday, I posted a link on randomWalks to this article. Since then, I have done a lot of thinking about the value of my work as a parent, and the frustration I sometimes feel over the fact that the work of parents everywhere is undervalued. I was thinking about what happens if a large workforce found themselves undervalued and/or underpaid — if they have any solidarity, they go on strike.

It occurs to me that, perhaps unconsciously, parents HAVE gone on strike.

Faced with the choice of staying home to nurture and care for their children, facing poverty, stigma, and sometimes boredom that comes from living in a society that is not set up to serve the interests of the parent as well as the child, parents walk out on their children, hire their own scabs, and get "real" jobs, instead.

The problem is that the state wants us to walk out on our children, and the real losers are those who are too young to unionize. And, by putting parents in the position of having to choose between poverty and a nurturing relationship with their children, we are not only damaging the children, but we are also damaging the psyches of the parents who are forced to abandon them to the state. Any mother who has had to leave their young child in the care of someone else for any length of time knows the agony of hearing their child cry for them...and understands the misery of detachment that occurs. I remember when I returned to work after Monk's birth, I came home every night and cried for hours. All of that built up misery at having suddenly been wrenched from the comfort of holding the baby and the hormonal relaxation of nursing was almost too much to bear. Gradually, I "got used to it" - as everyone told me I would. But I couldn't help but wonder if "getting used to it" was just a euphamism for deadening my senses, or shutting off my empathy.

I wonder about this kind of thing when I hear about parents who "forget" that their children are in the car and leave them there to bake in the sun. I can't imagine being that out of tune with your child...but, I guess, to some degree I can. We are forced to detune ourselves just to get through the misery of having to leave our children in the hands of the state while we work for someone else. And then, to add insult to injury - or perhaps as a warning to those parents who might be willing to forgo the pursuit of financial security in order to actually care for their own children - we get the stigma of the "welfare mom."

I truly wonder what the long-term ramification of this are/will be. I can only surmise, based on what I see and experience.

So, given that we have this situation where so many of us have been forced to betray our children for fear of being stigmatized or living in poverty - how do we change things? Some suggestions:

Figure out how, if it's at all possible, to de-institutionalize our children. Form cooperatives with friends and neighbors and family members, loving adults who can help care for your children if you need to work outside the home. And if you are able to stay home with your children, figure out how to help other parents de-institutionalize their children.
Advocate for the government to provide a monthly parenting allowance which is large enough to validate the very real work that parents do in caring for their children at home. Don't back down, don't compromise, and don't be fooled by people who say "it was your choice to have children - you need to deal with it." The fact you chose a job of your own volition does not mean you don't have the right to ask for just compensation.
DON'T go on strike. Institutionalizing your children does not benefit them. You are the childcare expert your child needs. You are the teacher your child needs. You don't benefit from institutionalizing your children - not only does it cut you off from them, but it divorces you from the potential of finding and developing a loving community of people who have you and your child's best interest in mind.
Be inventive. You can do it. Don't be afraid. Consider that you are sacrificing your child's best interests for money. Many parents feel that they are doing this in the best interest of the children, but the best security you can give a child is the security that comes from a loving, nurturing relationship with people who are not paid to care for them*...there MIGHT be another way.
Any other ideas...?

[part two of this series will talk about how we are not only being forced to abandon our children to the state, but how we are then turning them into indentured servents for our lack of fiscal responsibility, and how it's all unnecessary anyway, as it's not necessary for us as a society to be working outside the home and away from our children as much as we do, anyway. I'd also like to do a part three that has a bunch of links on the topic that I wanted to include within this article, but I really have to get back to work. My kids need me.]

*which is not to say that paid childcare workers are incapable of caring...but due to the transitory nature of that line of work, it's almost unheard of to maintain a consistent relationship between a child and a childcare worker.

I also want to clarify that staying at home with your children does not necessarily make you a better parent than someone who relies upon institutional childcare - nor does relying one institutional childcare make you a horrible person. My objective in writing about this is not to heap further guilt upon parents who are already taxed with the responsibility of all of society's ills. What I'm trying to relate in this article is that our system needs to be revolutionized to appropriately value the work that parents do in raising their children, and to not only allow parents the unstigmatized option of staying home with their children, but also work towards creating a society in which children are welcome in the workplace and parents are not isolated in their roles. A society in which community is easy to come by and does not segregate parents from non-parents, children from adults, children from other children of different ages...etc.

Posted at 11:27 AM • Comments (18) • TrackBack

What a weekend

September 28, 2003

First, Zagg asks me out (oh, shut up! A girl can dream!) And then my pal r@d@r hooked me up with THIS, which makes my long distance "date" THAT MUCH more meaningful.

Posted at 9:29 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Deaf Dog Awareness Week

September 27, 2003

I just happened to click a link at Action Figures Sold Seperately, and wound up on the petfinder page, where I was informed that this week is "Deaf Awareness Week."

Petfinder has a bunch of adorable pictures of adoptable deaf dogs in various locations, and a link to the deafdogs.org.

My beautiful puppy, Twyla, is deaf. She's a great companion, is wonderful with children, is more obedient to hand commands than most of my other dogs have ever been to my voice. We had a difficult time getting used to each other, but at this point my only problems with her stem from the fact that she is SO sweet and lovable that it gets overwhelming sometimes. I'm glad that I found her. I'm glad that she somehow survived the "double penalty" of being born a white boxer AND being born deaf. She is no less able to live a full happy life as a deaf dog as a deaf person is able to live a full, happy life...yet there are those who would say she should not be allowed to live.

I was so afraid that I wouldn't have time to take care of a deaf dog, but I was so in love with Twyla when I met her that I took a chance. I'm glad I did.

Posted at 5:38 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

A Question about Typepad

September 27, 2003

Can someone please do the job of six apart (who for some reason refuse to answer e-mail) and let me know if a typepad pro account offers multiple authors for unlimited blogs?

I am going to be offering this blog class, and would like to use typepad as the client, but I need to make sure that each client can have their own log in that corresponds with their own blog - all on one account. I was ASSUMING this was the case, as the features sheet lists that pro accounts can create unlimited blogs...but now I'm worried that this means unlimited blogs with the same author.

If anyone knows the answer to this, please please please let me know. And if anyone from six apart happens upon this post, I would encourage you to please please please answer your e-mails!!

Posted at 4:48 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

INFP

September 26, 2003

I have always always always been an INFP

INFP - "Questor". High capacity for caring. Calm and pleasant face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 1% of the total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test

Posted at 10:17 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Abbie the Cat

September 26, 2003

I know I've linked to Abbie the Cat before, but it seems like every time I go back I need to tell more people about it. It's such a great site, and it really doesn't ever get old.

Here's an excerpt:

I thought it would be fun to make a newspaper so here is the first ediditon of the ABBIE ThE CAT NEWS PAPER
THE ABBIE THE CAT NEWspaper
written by ME Abbie
date September 2 2003

EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT
i threw uptoday
response teams were on the scene within MInutes and it got cleaned up

THE WEATHEhER
it is chily outside I think and I saw some rain
tomorrows weather is I don't know
maybe it will be nice

CLASIFIEDS ADS
for sale one stupid cat
she is little and thinks she is a pirate
I will sell her for 3 dollars but you have to come get her
when you pick her up you will p[retend you are here for the Shoebox
I promise she will be in the showbox honest

EDIOTIRAL
I thinkit is patently unfair that I am not allowed on top of the dresser anymore
that is my editorial

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
there are none

THE END
this is diferent because newspapers don't usually say THE END at the end
but thankyou for reading

It's written by a cat, you see. That's what's so funny about it. Because normally, cats don't write weblogs.

Posted at 7:39 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Easy Lentil Soup

September 26, 2003

I love this. My whole house smells good and lentil-y. It's gray and rainy outside, and I'm pretending it's cool and windy even though it's probably like 90 degrees. This recipe is totally lifted from the Moosewood Cookbook. The original. It's good though. Everyone needs a decent, simple soup recipe like this. I just changed a couple of things to make it even easier. I'm sinful that way:

Click here for recipe

Posted at 2:54 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Happy Anniversary Austin Critical Mass!

September 26, 2003

I've never participated in a critical mass bike rally, but I have fond memories from a spectator's perspective. Most recently, I was out waiting for a bus in near Flightpath, and was delighted to see 50 or so bikers pedal past, seemingly having the time of their lives, laughing, whooping it up, and saying hello to pedestrians and others. It struck me, as it always does when I step outside of car culture, that if more people biked and walked, it would be easier to form respectful communities, as you are able to slow down and talk to people that you see.

I also remember the raucous rally that passed by when I was participating in the silent walking meditation for peace on the Congress bridge. The contrast of the silent protestors and the rowdy bikers was an enjoyable one. Each group celebrating the message of the other. It was like a parade with clowns and acrobats passing through a somber funeral procession, and it was glorious. I loved it.

So, happy anniversary, Austin Critical Mass. I may not be a participant, but I enjoy what you do, and I'm not ruling out participating one day.

[reminder courtesy of Austin IndyMedia]

Posted at 1:09 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

An Occupied Country

September 26, 2003

This Howard Zinn article was a refreshing thing to wake up to. How he manages to emanate hope in the midst of so many depressing facts is beyond me.

I wake up thinking this country is in the grip of a President who was not elected, who has surrounded himself with thugs in suits who care nothing about human life abroad or here, who care nothing about freedom abroad or here, who care nothing about what happens to the earth, the water, the air. And I wonder what kind of world our children and grandchildren will inherit. More Americans are beginning to feel, like the soldiers in Iraq, that something is terribly wrong, that this is not what we want our country to be.

Thanks to Andrea for the link.

Posted at 8:29 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

October, 1998

September 26, 2003

I just posted some really sad old journal entries from 10/98. If you feel like reading them, they are here. Here's an excerpt:

Yesterday was an orgiastic display of visible/tangible metaphors of my own loneliness, or fears of loneliness, anyway. Walking to Kim Phung with Monk. I say walking to I mean walking through the endless parking lot which is always full on Fridays not because everyone knows Friday is my kim phun night (although My Paranoia is a subject to be covered at great length some other time) but because there is a nightclub in the same complex. I think a cowboy club, but apparently rather popular as I never can find a parking place. But I'm walking in and in front of the viet namese grocery there is a little girl dressed up in western garb, she couldn't have been more than 4. She was just standing there, but after we had passed her by and were almost at Kim Phun, I noticed she was crying and I turned around and she was standing in that doorway crying and I didn't know if her parent(s) were around or what but for some reason I didn't feel like I needed to walk over and try to help here. The image of this little girl dressed up like a cowboy in front of a viet namese supermarket was just indelible. Thankfully, I did see her with her mother as I was exiting the premisis, so I didn't feel bad about not doing anything. Or I didn't have to consciously, but I'm sure I did subconsciously as is about to be revealed.

It's so disheartening to realize how very long I have been dissatisfied with my relationship with L. I feel like punching my hands throught the thin papers of time and shaking the then-me...telling her to stop being a fucking zombie and start really examining the importance of life. But I suppose that happened in time, of its own accord.

Posted at 12:49 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

People who clearly don't get it.

September 25, 2003

I have a whole blog entry in my head read to post about a sort of feigned innocence people certainly must have with regard to racial prejudice, white privilege, and how the system operates. I'm being HOPEFUL when I say it's feigned innocence, because the alternate conclusion I would draw from something like this is outright aggressive ignorance, stupidity, and hatred.

If I could talk to the ~~idiots~~ students responsible for this bake sale, I would send them over to Ms. Lauren's blog where they might get themselves educated a bit better on the topic of how, exactly, privilege works, and how oversimplifying such a serious and far-reaching (backwards and forwards) topic such as affirmative action in this way is insulting to me, and I would hope to anyone who actually considers the gross fallacy in the way these students are attempting to express their "logic."

Oh, shit...it's happened more than once. How fucked up is that?

About that post I'm writing in my head - about what it is to be white, and all that. I'll have to get to that a little later, but there's tons out there right now for the reading, in case you are interested. Yeah, I realize I'm late to add my voice, and it will probably be postponed for awhile longer yet, but...um...I've been busy, and I put it off feeling like I've had this conversation before...but I realize it's important to keep having the conversation over and over again. (was going to insert links there to countless posts on this subject, but class is about to start, so maybe I'll go back to it later...or better yet, perhaps I should recategorize the freaking blog so it's easier to find these things.)

Posted at 5:13 PM • Comments (11) • TrackBack

One More Thing I'm Freaking Out About

September 25, 2003

in a milder way, but still, it crosses my mind a couple of times a day. I have been asked to contribute to a new blog (I've mentioned the name before, but I don't want to mention it in this post for reasons that might become apparent) and, while I know that what I have to say is important, and while I desire to participate and contribute, I feel as if my opinions will not be valued there - that I will be, as they say, kicking against the pricks. And the pricks I'm kicking against don't necessarily consider themselves pricks to be kicked against.

Mostly, I feel that my style of writing doesn't mesh with what is currently being offered there, and I have the impression that rather than accepting a diversity of voices, as the mission claims they do, they will begrudgingly grant me mine, just as they begrudgingly are "allowing me" to write under my pseudonym, which I've been told might cause people to take me less seriously. Something about the communications from the editor of this blog to the contributors doesn't sit well with me. There's so much talk about raising the hit count and link whoring, and, while I understand that getting a lot of hits is desirable when spreading a message, I'm still turned off by this strategic sort of approach.

I am also not really fond of the way this blog is set up, and find myself not interested in reading it myself. It's too complicated for me to navigate - there's almost TOO MUCH content for me, yet the editor is always crowing about wanting more more more content.

So the battle in my brain that's going on is do I overlook all of these misgivings about the blog to deliver a message that I think is important for people to read? I don't know. I pretty strongly believe that personality and free admittance of bias is the most effective means of communication, and this blog seems to go out of its way to eradicate personality and attempt to present an "objective" view - when it's clear there's no such thing as objectivity. To me, this blog just mirrors mainstream media in that regard, and, in so doing, doesn't really offer anything different.

I dunno. I guess I should just follow my gut and withdraw from the contributor's list. I have so many other projects that I actually feel enthusiastic about...that are more in line with what I want to give my energy to. I might try posting one article, seeing how that feels, and then withdrawing if it makes me feel all slimy like I think it's going to.

Yeah. That's what I'll do. Thanks for listening to me hash that one out. hahaha.

Posted at 12:39 PM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

Things I am freaking out about right now:

September 25, 2003

I'm trying to keep it under control, but here is the short list of stuff I'm freaking out about right now:

The fact that I really just don't want to go to work tonight, but I really don't want to stay home, either - due to the fact that I don't want to deal with another night of passive agressive parenting.
The fact that Monk's glasses were misplaced a week ago, and that Monk needs his glasses to see, and that i have turned this house upside down looking for them and can't find them AND that those glasses were actually loaner glasses in expensive frames that were graciously loaned to us while our cheap frames were on order. So, basically, if I can't find them soon (and I feel like today is the deadline, since Monk's glasses are basically a medical prescription to keep him from going blind in one eye) I will have to pay for the expensive frames AND pay for a new pair of glasses.
The fact that taking care of the above is somehow COMPLETELY my responsibility - the entire thing - the worrying, the talking to the glasses place and the financing of the new glasses. All my deal.
The fact that suddenly my children need to be bribed with candy to get them to eat a decent meal. The fact that no matter what I cook for them, all they want to eat is fruit and bread. The fact that this wouldn't matter to me if I didn't have a certain person holding a magnifying glass up to me whenever this certain person comes into the home to watch the children. The fact that I even need to feel freaked out about what the kids are eating when, really, I feel like they are capable of balancing things out on their own. You know what? FUCK this freak out item. I'm eliminating it. As of tomorrow, the children can eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for every meal if they damn well feel like it. This is just extra stress weight that I don't need, and I certainly don't need to be giving it to my kids. Especially since Mr. Critical-of-everything-I-feed-them has fed them nothing but macaroni and cheese for the past few weeks.

That's the short list. I'm going to sit here for a minute. I'm going to inhale. I'm going to exhale. Then I'm going to call the glasses place and explain what's going on and see what we can work out. After that, I'm going to give the kids the freaking lollipops I promised them whether or not they finish the food on their plates, and I'm going to continue on with my day with the kind of peace of mind that comes from dealing with this shit head on instead of letting it fester in my brain.

Posted at 12:00 PM • Comments (9) • TrackBack

Upgrading RSS

September 25, 2003

I've upgraded my RSS template (I don't even know if that's the right way to say that.) It was enough to hear it from Jason, but then George had to say something too, so I gave it a shot. I hope I didn't break anything. Someone's going to have to teach me about having an RSS feed reader. I have no clue what it's all about, I'm almost ashamed to admit. I think it might be important for me to learn if I'm going to be teaching that blogging class in a month or so.

Posted at 9:21 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Ahhhhh.

September 24, 2003

I did take the night off from work and, in spite of every effort on a certain person's part to foil my plan of getting some rest, I was able to take a sizable nap. I feel much better having rested, and I had a good session with my therapist today, even though I was late, due to the tardiness of the aforementioned unmentionable certain person.

I have discovered some things in therapy that are interesting. I'm sure I will discover many more. For one thing, today, I rediscovered an idea that I figured out long ago: Punk Rock Saved My Life. Watch for a post forthcoming - basically about how I have spent my entire life creating families for myself to compensate for the fact that I never really got the things I needed from my actual family.

I've also discovered that I have this weird tendency to feel defensive about my mother whenever my therapist tells me that my childhood left a lot to be desired. I think I've mentioned here before that I'm aware of a problem I've had throughout my life where I have sought out relationships with people with fucked up childhoods - and that I've consciously thought about how I do this with the intent of minimizing my own difficulties with my childhood.

I also like the way my therapist strips down my explanations of the ways in which I've been hurt by people. The fact that she was able to describe my sister's actions towards me as being about "her getting what she wants without regard to what it does to other people" really clarified how this quality in my sister is also present in my mother, as well as other people I have been in relationships with. It also explains why I feel so anxious about figuring out the difference between selfishness and martyrdom, and why I have gone through this whole process of defining selfLESSness...I really feel that getting what one wants is not necessarily a problem. I'm frequently accused of being the kind of person who gets what I want. I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing, provided I'm not getting what I want at someone else's expense. But with my history, it can be very easy for someone to put me totally on the defensive by calling me selfish. Calling me selfish calls all of my actions into question and basically turns me into a quivering un-self-confident mass of goo.

My biggest fear is being like my mother and my sister. They have hurt me a great deal, and I don't want to hurt my children or my friends the way they have hurt me. Yet their interactions with me line the foundation of my being. They're like the cockroach shit I am sweeping up in my house - a seemingly never-ending supply of it exists in my house, and it feels like I will never be rid of it, even now that the exterminator has come to rid me of the roaches themselves.

OK, bad analogy. So, now my focus is on not REACTING to my fear of treating my kids like I was treated (which is, basically, like I was a burden to be hefted or an obstacle to be hurdled, rather than a soul to be nurtured). I spend a lot of time trying to weigh my feelings of panic about something the children are doing against my personal boundaries. If that makes sense. It dulls my reaction time, and makes it difficult for me to set consistent and reliable limits. I'm constantly having to consciously consider my reactions to the children and decide whether they are within my self-defined scope of acceptability. In other words, I find that I HAVE to think about everything I say to the children, and when I DON'T - like if I let myself just react - I end up saying things that I think are inappropriate. I'm sure this happens to everyone, but it can throw me off for an entire day into a loop of, well, shaming myself...for being imperfect.

So, the solution is, I think, to understand where this comes from (I think it comes from a feeling on my part that if I am conscious of wrong-doings on the part of my family members, then I am just as bad as they are if I am anything less than perfect towards my children) and to breathe that in and let it go at the moment that I am feeling bad about myself. Because it can spiral out of control. Not like child abuse out of control - more like SELF abuse out of control.

I'm not sure if this makes sense to anyone but me. I love that line in one of the Spearhead songs that goes "It's never too late to start the day over." because that's what I do when I have a particularly bad string of interactions with the children. I just up and ask that we just start the day over, and try to move in a more positive direction from there.

It's a process. I'm learning. We're all learning. Today it hit me as we (my therapist and I) were talking about protecting the children - maybe I'm just as crazy as everyone else in my family (there seems to be a lot of mental illness in my family, as well as in L's family, which is frightening). She said "I don't think you are crazy, but you frequently seem confused." Confused. Isn't that funny? I guess it's true. I'm forever confused about my responsibility to other people, and when it is appropriate to express certain things, and when it's best to just keep quiet. Confused is probably the best word. It clarifies a lot of things for me to be called confused.

ha. ha. ha.

Posted at 10:03 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Duh!

September 24, 2003

I've been sitting here silently freaking out about all of the stuff I have to accomplish and how little time I have in which to accomplish it, all the while forgetting that I have a babysitting exchange with a neighbor that I haven't really taken advantage of, and that I've honored my end of. Until the person with whom I'm exchanging reminded me.

Sometimes I totally forget that there is help for me when I need it. It's ridiculous. I mean, I really don't even think that there are alternate ways to get things accomplished.

So, now it appears I merely have to feed the kids and send them off to the playground for a couple of hours while I clean, and gather items to be returned to the various places they have been borrowed from, and maybe even kick back and relax for a little while. I have a therapy session this afternoon, and I'm considering taking the night off from work so I can get a decent amount of r&r so I don't feel like crap again tomorrow morning.

Posted at 11:37 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Really trying to refrain from commenting

September 24, 2003

on the fact that George Bush seems, most definitely, to be on the defensive about his putrid little war. I've seen him on the news a few times, and he seems to feverishly be defending his version of reality that only the wealthy elite seem to share. I think he's sweating it. I think he's having a difficult time convincing HIMSELF that he's doing the right thing. I think he realizes how very very badly things are going for him. And I really think he is vulnerable. I think he can be defeated in the upcoming election.

The question is, what do I think about his potential replacements?

Sigh.

Don't even ask me that right now...I'm working on having a stress-free morning.

One thing I will say is that Dean's campaign managers need to stop sending me e-mails begging for money.

Posted at 10:57 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Shake

September 23, 2003

I have this friend named Shake. She used to live here in Austin. In fact, she was once my neighbor. She was the childless friend that all mamas dream of - a welcome reprieve from parent-talk on long walks without the kids, and also available to babysit when needed. Among other nice things about her.

One of those "other nice things" was that Shake liked to leave presents on my doorstep. I used to laugh and tell her she was like a cat leaving a dead bird, as she was eternally decluttering her home and leaving her clutter on my doorstep with a note and no knock. Don't get me wrong...it was good clutter. It was like if I cat would bring slabs of marinated tofu in tupperware containers instead of beheaded bluejays and eviscerated geckos.

So, today, I got a small envelope from Ms. Shake. Inside was this book, and a note that said someone had given the book to her when she broke up with her boyfriend, and now it was her turn to pass it on to me...she also said she wished she could have left it on my doorstep. Shake lives in Portland now, so she's no longer my neighbor. And I miss her.

Thanks Shake. The book looks really funny. I'm already smiling.

Posted at 11:35 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Another Good Day

September 23, 2003

I've had that thing where I feel like crap first thing in the morning. Both yesterday and today, I woke up thinking that surely I will have to call in sick to work and stay home snuggled in my lavendery bed all evening. But as the day progresses, I feel progressively better. Still, if I feel bad tomorrow morning, I AM going to call in sick to work and take care of myself. The sucky part is that L will be there with the kids, and I probably won't get much peace. It will be nice when he has a place of his own to take the kids when he's watching them. I'm thinking when that happens, I'm going to take an entire week off from work just to hang out and luxuriate in alone-at-home time.

At any rate, I started feeling better not too long after I first woke up, and the kids were snooping around the house searching for all of the little presents I left out for them to celebrate the change of seasons. It was mostly books and curriculum stuff, but I find that they enjoy finding the little gifts throughout the day, so I hide it all. I discovered last night that the Kiki soundtrack that I ordered for Coley was all in Japanese, and did not contain the "Soaring" song that he loves so much, so I obtained a...um...perfectly legal download of it and he was delighted when I played it for him. Delighted is the perfect word for his expression, too - his cute little face just LIT UP and he smiled and smiled as I played the song (and "I'm gonna fly") over and over again. I'm so glad that I was able to pull that one off.

So we spent some time finding things, and then I read about the Equinox from Circle Round, and read the story of how Mabon was set free by King Arthur's soldiers. Monk gets all antsy about reading these stories, which is weird because he really enjoys folk tales and mythology. I really think he gets antsy because he knows I enjoy them. Anyway, I had to tell him that the story ended with someone getting their head chopped off to convince him to listen. It was true - someone DID get their head chopped off - but it's kind of a drag that I have to bribe him with violence to get him to listen to a really cool story.

At any rate, we talked about the equinox and how, for us in Texas, it's even a bit of a rebirth for us to pass into fall - because summer is SO hot here, and we spend so much of it holed up indoors. We are all looking for the relief of cool weather. I told Monk that I woke up in the middle of the night last night and had to scooch Coley off of the blanket so I could go under it because it was a little nippy. I love that! I love nippy! Give me nippy...give me downright fucking uncomfortably cold...let my nostrils freeze together any old day of the week over this stifling, unbearable heat!

Um, where was I? Oh, yes. After our storytime, we were going to take a nature walk, but it was a bit too hot (sigh) and we didn't have much time anyway, so Monk chose to play Reader Rabbit 2nd Grade while I set about cleaning up and making lunch. I made Peanut Butter Noodles, thinking the kids would love love love them (I mean, had my mom ever made peanut butter noodles when I was a kid, I would have loved it, wouldn't you?) but the little farts turned their noses up...so they basically ate fruit for lunch. Which seemed to satisfy them, but still...peanut butter noodles! I mean, come ON!

Anyway, after lunch we headed over to R's house from Monk's new Tuesday homeschool co-op craft day. I was able to DROP HIM OFF there (rah!) and I headed over to k8's house with Cole to see if playgroup was happening there. It wasn't, but it was nice to see, hug, chat with k8 for a bit before she/we headed out in opposite directions.

Then Cole and I went home and Cole played reader rabbit 2nd grade for a little while. Have I mentioned that Cole now knows how to use a mouse and can do just about anything he wants on the computer? It's so cool! Only, once he's ON the computer, it's impossible to get him to stop.

Unless the computer crashes, which it did, so I took the opportunity to bring him back to R's house to pick up Monk. I got to talk to the other moms in the co-op, too (the co-op is the perfect size - like 6 or 7 families and most of the kids are older, so there's not really a need for all of the parents to be there.) R seemed to do an excellent job of leading them through an activity, and I was impressed with the pastel drawing Monk made of 2 wild things (they read Where The Wild Things Are). It was cool! So, this week, monk has WRITTEN (which he previously refused to do) and DONE ARTWORK (which he is notorious for shunning). What next?

Brought the boys home after that, and we only were there for a few minutes when L showed up, so I packed up my stuff and headed out for the bus stop. Yesterday, I stepped on my freaking headphones and broke them, so I had to stop off to get new headphones (headphones are, in fact, an essential item for the mile-long hike from my house to the bus stop and back). When I walked into the Walgreens, the woman in the cosmetics department was all smiles - "hello! Welcome to Walgreens! How are you?" I answered "I'm doing great! How are you?" Her smile faded and she said "I'm tired and I can't WAIT to go home." This was the funniest thing I had heard all day...maybe you had to be there, but the transformation from sunny greeter woman to get-me-out-of-this-hellhole disgruntled employee was fantastic. I laughed...and she laughed, too. I said "I hope you get to go home soon!" and laughed again.

Got my headphones, got my bus, got to work, and here I am. yippee!!!

When I get home, I'm going to have to write about the cute book I got in the mail from a friend of mine, and tell a story about this friend, as well...but I can't remember the name of the book, so it will have to wait.

Hope yr having a good day!

Posted at 5:30 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Radical Homeschool Blog

September 23, 2003

Just to let you know, Michelle has finished the design of the radhomeschoolblog, and it's EXCELLENT. But I just need to find like 3 or 4 spare hours to set up accounts and otherwise prepare to launch. Did I mention that I'm way too busy lately? I'm hoping to take care of rad homeschoolers before the end of the weekend. Last call (for now) for anyone who wants to contribute.

Posted at 2:18 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Autumnal Equinox

September 23, 2003

Gateway to Winter
The Autumnal Equinox marks the beginning of shorter days and longer nights. We gather with friends to strengthen our spirits in preparation for the passage into Winter. But it is a time of thanksgiving, for on the other side of that dark Winter is Spring.[source]

Somehow, autumn seems to be the perfect time of year for my personal revolution. I've always been a fan of naturally-occuring metaphor. The kids have new paints and used books, I have a whole new life to look forward to. It's all about renewal, isn't it? The trees shed their leaves to stay alive during winter. It's the gentlest kind of survival instinct.

More Equinox Sites:

The Electronic Sky

Mabon

wikipedia

Posted at 9:59 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Bring Them Home

September 22, 2003

The Guerillas of the Week on GNN are those brave soldiers who are not only risking life and limb by being in Iraq to defend the interests of the wealthy, but are also actively speaking out against this war.

Which reminds me that there is a rally, demonstration, and protest coming up here in Austin that is geared towards putting an end to the occupation, and sending our troops home now. I only have 6 more days to convince Monk to go with me. Someone give me helpful hints. I'm considering bribery. With ice cream.

Posted at 11:57 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

The Mama's Calendar

September 22, 2003

Coleen is soliciting submissions and orders for the annual Mama's Calendar:

submissions are desired, right now, for the 2004 edition of a mama's calendar. this calendar is of, about and for mamas & mama enthusiasts everywhere. what I'm looking for: all sorts of photographs of mothers, babies, children, fathers, friends & other family members. what catches my eye are photos that include nursing, pregnant bellies, birth, social justice work in action, photobooth strips, celebrations, kids making music, mamas rocking out, newborns, toddlers, big kids, teenagers, radical grandparents, and so on. I also seek cartoons, drawings, great mama quotes, recipes, links to mama community resources, and information about mama-made zines. the hard as nails deadline is november 20. prints of photographs are preferred; they'll look so much better on the calendar pages than digitals. if you are limited to sending photos via email, they need to be black and white and high resolution. email me for further details: mamascalendar@bust.com your submissions will be appreciated, celebrated, possibly published in the calendar, and definitely returned to you if you enclose a self-addressed, stamped envelope. should your submissions be published, your reward will be the awe of mamas and mama enthusiasts worldwide. thank you.
meanwhile: it's not too early to order your mama's calendar! it will hang on your wall and inspire and delight you for 12 full months of the year 2004. if you order right away, you will get it before december 20, 2003. send $14 (that's $12 for a calendar and $2 for mailing costs) to me to reserve your copy. if I do not recieve enough orders to pay for printing costs, I will refund your money in december.

if you enjoyed the hip mama community calendars of 2001 & 2002, then this is your sort of thing, because I made those, too.

Posted at 11:48 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

My Personal Revolution

September 22, 2003

By order of the militant guerilla internal warrior that is me, I decree that the soundtrack to this revolution will be Michael Franti's "Everyone Deserves Music."

Particularly this song:

Yes I Will

I received, the letter, that you wrote me
On a dark, cold and cloudy day
Remindin' me, on the side of the road
You find the light, you'll find a friend,
You'll find a way
But today I'm feelin' all broke down
I ain't got the faintest clue, 'bout what to do
Can't comprehend the situation at hand
So I try my best, just to get back home to you

(chorus)
Gonna keep on walking now
Yes I will
Gonne keep on talkin' loud
Yes I will
Gonna keep on singin' bout it
Yes I will
Gonna keep on ringin' out
Yes I will

I believe, that what you sing to the clouds
Will rain upon you when your sun, has gone away
And I believe, that what you dream to the moon
Will manifext, before you rest, another day
So stay strong, and sleep long when you need to
Let the mornin' take you right on through the day
When you find you're at the end of the road
You just lift your head up
Spread your wings and fly away

(chorus)

When you're lost and alone
That's when the rainbow comes
When you're lost and alone
That's when the rainbow comes for you

Posted at 11:10 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Wow. What a great day.

September 22, 2003

We really had an excellent day at the Blood household. The morning brought inspiration and an unexpected hour of writing time, which normally would cause the entire day to crumble around us, but I managed to force myself out of my chair mid-inspiration and drag us all out to the grocery store where we got a collosal amount of groceries for what seemed like a very small amount of money. Well, ok, it was a lot of money, but less than I thought it would be.

We came home and I put the groceries up while the kids watched Power Puff Girls as the last hoorah of the television (seeing as I FORGOT to put it up last night after staying up ridiculously late watching Planes, Trains, and Automobiles) and then I made a simple lunch, like sandwiches or something, and sat down and wrote my version of The Rules that you see below this post. Which was fun to write.

I did some cleaning up while Monk played Civilizations, I played legos with Cole. We saw a lizard on the door and I stopped everything so we could sit and watch her move around, and then Me and Coley drew pictures of the lizard and wrote a little story about her.

Then Monk and I sat down and did a crossword puzzle of mathematical measurement terms. HE WROTE ALL OF THE WORDS HIMSELF (this is HUGE!) and I sat with him almost the entire time, getting up only to check on Cole, who is thankfully now able to entertain himself by playing sesame street preschool on the computer. I actually spent a full hour focused on one or the other of them, really working on my level of patience and being in the moment with them to enjoy their hard effort. Monk was kicking so much ass at writing, at one point I shouted out "YOU DID IT!" and scared the living shit out of him. We both laughed about it. He liked doing the units of measurement crossword so much that he did ANOTHER crossword all on his own. I am so proud of him.

By the time that was all said and done, it was time for me to get ready for work. I took a shower, got dressed, got my shit together, and had a lovely walk to the bus stop, serenaded by Mr. Franti.

And now here I am at work, and it looks like it's going to be a relatively easy night, so I'll be able to get some of my extra projects handled and I can feel a little less like I'm totally falling behind.

Which reminds me, I should probably change my shirt and talk to my students. Woo woo!

Posted at 5:52 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Navigating the Crass Commercialism of Singledom: DruBlood's 15 steps towards freedom from unwedded angst

September 22, 2003

"The sell us love as divinity, when it's only a social obscenity. Underneath, we're all lovable." -Crass

Step One: Kill your television. If those talk show hosts and stupid book authors knew what they were talking about, they wouldn't be totally hung up on bilking money from you.

Step Two: Forget about "mining past relationships" for all the things you did wrong. Instead, mine yourself. You ARE a goldmine. A diamond mine, even. Figure out what you do well, and enjoy yourself.

Step Three: As much as possible, smile at everyone. Sincerely. Smile. Enjoy how that makes YOU feel.

Step Four: Cherish your imperfections. A wise woman once told me that anyone who loves you should view your imperfections as a thrilling challenge rather than an annoying obstacle.

Step Five: Take a walk by yourself in silence. Listen.

Step Six: Take a walk with a friend in silence. Listen

Step Seven: Know that you are inherently good, and that any mistakes you have made were not made with the intention of hurting others, but with either no forethought at all, with misguided intention, or with misinterpreted intentions.

Step Seven: Know that everyone who might have hurt you is inherently good, and that any mistakes they have made were not made with the intention of hurting you, but with either no forethough at all, with misguided intention, or with misinterpreted intention.

Step Eight: Use public transportation frequently. Talk to the other passengers.

Step Nine: Know that at any given moment, there is, more than likely, someone thinking fondly of you.

Step Ten: Pause in your day to think fondly of others - tell people that you have been thinking of them. Don't be afraid to tell people you love them. You might be the one person who is able to convince them that they are lovable.

Step Eleven: Take yourself out on a picnic, then lay in the grass in the middle of a field and stare at the clouds.

Step Twelve: Fall in love with everyone you meet. Write them love poems.

Step Thirteen: There's no such thing as bad luck or good luck. Know the difference between mindfulness and self-consciousness. UPDATED TO ADD: Also truly come to understand the difference between intention and pretention.

Step Fourteen: Know that no one person will ever be able to fulfill all of your needs and desires. We are interdependent creatures. Stop looking for "the perfect" one for you, and start appreciating all that you already have. (See Step Two)

Step Fifteen: Throw away all of those stupid self-help books. Fire your therapist. You know what's inside of you - stop filtering your instincts through the words of other people. Disregard anything anyone ever tells you that you don't fully believe in.

_______

Biography: DruBlood is neither a therapist nor a graduate of any doctoral program relating to marketing or relationships. She's just an ordinary human being who has the silly notion that love and companionship are basic human needs that naturally arise out of honest interactions between people. Her motto is "Why pay for advice, when hacks like me will give it to you for free?"

Posted at 9:20 AM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

WTF?

September 22, 2003

Free love? As if love is anything but free. Man has bought brains, but all the millions in the world have failed to buy love. - Emma Goldman "Marriage and Love."

Boy, I sure am glad that there are people out there who are still plugging away at the concept that women need to "position themselves" on the "dating market" - particularly after we reach that difficult, undatable age of 35, when certainly no man in his right mind would fall for an unpolished "product."

It's a good thing this woman found something to do with her degree from Harvard business school. After all, she found her man! Isn't that what pretending to be smart is all about? Goal accomplished, now she can inform the rest of us losers how to get our portfolios in shape.

I just don't know what I would have done with myself had I not seen this ~~book advertised~~ woman interviewed on The Today Show. But, I can't talk about it now. I need to find a sitter for the kids so I can read the paper at Starbucks in hopes of finding the perfect man. Wait, but first I have to do some market research, some "repackaging" of "my product"...and, oh yeah, I have to find someone who will do an exit interview with my husband to find out why our marriage didn't work out, so I can retool for my future long-term relationships, which will surely be based entirely on substance, rather than surface impressions.

Yr damn right I "bristle" when I hear the words product, strategic plans, and marketing applied to me and my "dating efforts." And it's not because I fear a "radical" new approach. It's because I'm a FUCKING HUMAN BEING. And there are enough fucking products and strategic plans out there without me turning my fucking life over to some idiot business expert who wants to commodify the experience of love and companionship. It's a sad, sad state of affairs when this kind of thing is taken seriously enough to warrant a 15-minute, earnest discussion on national television without someone even once perhaps suggesting that it's even the slightest bit CRASS.

(I REALLY should have put the TV up last night.)

Posted at 8:52 AM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

The Church of Michael Franti

September 21, 2003

Is what he should call it. None of this Spearhead stuff. What an excellent performer that man is. Truly the best show of the evening last night, possibly one of the best 45 minute performances I've ever witnessed. The man had us touching the ground, touching each other, and was bouncing around on stage ordering directives like an insane peacenik aerobics instructor. He was amazing. His whole band was amazing.

And he helped me resolve the whole issue about whether to buy any White Stripes CDs. Like hell I will - all of my music spending money will be going towards investing in Mr. Franti's music. Sincerely. Power to the Peaceful, indeed.

I think I'm getting ahead of myself, though. The whole day was...perfect. Really. With no sun to be seen, and the weather a slightly warmer than room temperature, but with tiny occasional sprinkles of rain that only once crossed over into anything resembling a shower, there could not have been a better day to stand, sit, lay, walk around outside, listen to live music, and enjoy the company of long lost friend(s) returned.

The only thing was that all of the bands sounded the same to me. For the first half of the day, I kind of just walked around listening to the same southern-tinged rock. Which is fine for maybe one band, but really not my cup of tea for eleventy-hundred bands. The Johnny Cash Tribute was great, but I wish they had played more of the Cash ACL session and less of the eleventy-hundred countrified rock bands who all sound the same.

I think the pattern broke when I sat down to hear Bright Eyes. I couldn't see anything, although I spent half of that show staring in the direction of the stage. I liked his quivering voice, the spooky sound of whatever the hell instrument he was playing, and I told my cohort, mr. "upup", that I was thankful to not hear the omnipresent guitar in there. The guitar showed up eventually, but I did not hear it for 2 or 3 songs, and it was a very nice break, indeed.

After Bright Eyes, we witnessed the brilliance of Nickel Creek. I love this band. They could sell a bazillion records and have three hundred videos on MTV and I would still love this band. They just look like they are having so much fun when they are on stage, and they rock. They do. Fuck if I know how a fiddle, a mandolin, an acoustic guitar and a stand up bass can pull off the kind of rock and roll energy that they do, but it's true. They do. Rock.

But I had to cut short my enjoyment of Nickel Creek to wind my way through the maze of people and lead the way up as far as we could to the front of the stage to see Spearhead. I was so thrilled that there wasn't a thronging, impenatrable crowd (do those words sound somewhat sexy together, or is that just pre-coffee me?) and we were able to stand where we had a good view of the stage. And we waited.

I was so fucking thrilled. You can't even believe. Anticipation is a good thing. I could not have even imagined how spectacular this show was going to be.

The band came on - with Michael in his "One Term" shirt. They just got us all in the mood. In the moment and in the mood. Mr. Franti played a revival show like no one's business with "Are you feeling alright!" and "Clap your hands!" and "Wave your arms in the air!" I can't even remember what songs he played, but he had us singing along to "All The Freaky People (Make the Beauty of the World)" which I realized is like the old Beatnigs song "Nature" (as in, people are the best part of Nature) rewritten. And he gave some touching sermons about war and peace and staying in touch with family and friends and forgiveness and love and pure, unabashed joy. Damn. It was just what my tired heart needed. I think I'm going to send that man a thank you note. For real.

But anyway, it ended much too quickly, like all good things, yet perfectly, like all good things. We said our farewells to the festival and were shuttled through the shuttle line to, lo and behold! a shuttle bus with CUSHY SEATS. I told Tof (mr. upup) that it was the perfect capper to a perfect evening, and pretty much giggled all the way home.

It was, really it was...a fantastic day. Thanks, John. Thanks Mr. Franti. Austin City Limits folks...perhaps a little diversity and variety might be a good idea - for next year.

Posted at 9:49 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

I know you are totally curious about what I did today, aren't you?

September 19, 2003

Well, not much. But it was the good kind of not much, rather than the laying in bed and feeling grumpy and depressed all day kind of not much. I have to say, one of the advantages (?) to having kids is that it makes it almost impossible to wallow in grief or misery. First of all, who can be depressed when there's a grinning near-three year old running around all day screaming about UNDERWEAR (and, sub, neither of my children actually WEAR underwear...so i'm spared the underwear dance.) Second - There's just no fucking TIME to be depressed, or even unhappy.

So, I was kind of kicked out today, which I was feeling kind of grouchy about at the outset, but whatever. It got me out of the house to have someone insist that I leave. Not that it's MY house or anything, but I digress.

I had a coffee meeting with a co-worker which was enjoyable. I really like hanging out with David. He reminds me of all of the things about my job that I love. And I got updated on a lot of the stuff he's working on, and we got to be all geeky about blogs and how to integrate them into our working lives...and all that stuff. It was nice. Although, I'm CERTAIN the guy sitting in back of him was a blogger who was eavesdropping on our conversation. I made eye contact a couple of times, and it seemed like he was straining to hear. hahahaha. So, mysterious blogger dude at Flightpath, I hope you enjoyed the geek speak. Maybe you blogged it already. I should go searching.

Anyway, David didn't stay long, and when he left, I set about reading the Chronicle, getting righteously pissed off about the immaturity of the stoopid republican party here in Texas and their inability to function within the parameters of acceptable adult behavior. And, as a professional of skirting the fringes of acceptable adult behavior, I really Ought To Know. I was watching the News last night, and I just really couldn't believe the behavior I was witnessing. If I ever even CONSIDERED having any respect for politicians, those considerations are long gone. But, I mean, judge for yourself.

After I finished reading the Chron, personal ads and all (I'm kind of obsessing about going out on a "date." I highly doubt the Chronicle personal ads will provide me with suitable candidates, though. I'm more looking to have a trial date with someone I already know - just so I can get it out of the way, you know? But, still, I'm having fun looking around whereever I am, and wondering what the various people are like, and what it would be like to have an intimate conversation with some of them. It's the way I operate in bliss mode. It's not here yet. When it's here, I WILL have conversations. I'm absolutely irresistable when I'm in that mode. hahahaha. Irresistable and invincible.

Anyway, I finished the paper and headed out to Half Price books, because there 's a huge sale and I wanted to see if I could add to my growing collection of things Egyptian. I did find some very cheap items, plus a copy of Soledad Brother (I once had a copy and loaned it to a roommate and never saw it again, and never had the chance to read it) and I was quite happy with the total cost of these items. Say, that reminds me...if anyone has any old magazines that have pictures of things Egyptian and you want to send them to me, please e-mail me. I will trade a mix cd for anything you have...or whatever else I can do to make it up to you. I'd like to create a mural wall in our little "classroom" that melds from one topic into another. I thought I could find cheap used books to cut up, but nothing was cheap enough for that...so I"m probably going to be searching the thrift stores and my own personal stash of National Geographics for that kind of material.

Aaaaanyyyyyywaaaay.

I ALMOST bought a couple of pairs of shoes for the kids at payless, but I had the presence of mind to realize that they're CHEAP because they're made in China, not because Payless wants to shoe the poor. So after Half Price Books, I beat it over to Savers to get a few pairs of used shoes for cheap. The kids each have one pair of shoes that fit right now...and that is a pair of sandals for each of them. Well, actually RIGHT NOW Monk has 2 pairs and Cole has 3, because I scored 1 pair for Monk and 2 pairs for Cole at Savers. yay! Used shoes rock because...well, they're used. So I don't feel like I have to worry about sweatshop labor and dead animals. At least that's how I justify things in my own mind.

[coley, demonstrating a bizarre lack of taste in music, keeps coming in here to turn down the speakers, which are currently blasting Johnny Cash. I sense my writing time is nearly up]

So, anyway, after the shoes, I went and picked up a couple of things to eat for dinner, and I managed to arrive home EXACTLY at my expected time. Because I SO rock.

And tonight, it's videos and make-it-yourself pizza and more videos and mama's gonna clean clean clean the house and hopefully find a couple of expensive electronic items that have gone missing withIN the confines of the house, if you can believe it. And bedtime will no doubt be delayed as coley was napping when I got home but that's ok. The TV is going to get put UP as of MOnday or Tuesday next week, so I feel like a nice night of couch potato-dom is in order. And cleaning. Lots of cleaning. So if you catch me online...tell me to get back to my cleaning, ok?

Posted at 5:42 PM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

My First Conversation of the Morning

September 19, 2003

I rolled over today and was face to face with Coley, who proclaimed:

"I am cute!"

I replied "You are cute."

"Yes." Stated coley emphatically.

And so began our day.

Oh, and *I*, apparantly, am "prickly."

UPDATE: An hour later, he's now running around yelling "UNDERPANTs!!!!!!"

Posted at 9:30 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Awaiting Euphoria

September 19, 2003

That should probably be the title of a poem at Artery, which I swear I will start posting at again, once I have achieved (or re-achieved) a state of chronic strap-on bliss.

But seriously, I am waiting for euphoria. I know it's lurking. I usually don't muddle this long in the middle ground between sadness and joy. My natural state IS euphoria, and it will come back to me. I had about a week of depression, and now I'm kind of in that purgatory that leaves me somewhat uninspired. Then comes the joy.

The strange thing is that I am usually able to achieve that state of bliss after a breakup pretty quickly. Perhaps it's because I tend to let things drag on and "get over" the relationship while I'm still in the relationship. But I already feel that L's influence over me is waning. Like I no longer feel depressed at the prospect of not being his...wife...anymore. Whatever that meant. It had potential, our relationship, but we didn't meet it. We never got there. And that's OK. I am content by myself, or with whatever comes my way. But whatever comes my way, if it's in the form of another person, is going to have to do a bit of work to earn my energy - is all I have to say about that. I need to keep an eye on the fact that I *AM* totally fulfilled without a romantic relationship, and if I'm going to invest myself in something romantic, it damn well better be worth it.

For now, though...I'm enjoying the calm contentment before the manic phase of serious euphoria. That's a fun phase, where I run around talking it up. Right now my conversations are slow moving and somewhat dull. You'll know it's happening because I won't be able to slow down, my arms will be waving all over the place, I'll be grinning, and I WILL make eye contact. Right now, I hide my smiles, my eyes are downcast. It's not sadness or depression, it's centering. I'm calming myself before...

Posted at 1:01 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Austin City Limits Festival

September 18, 2003

So, it's settled. I will be going to the ACL fest on Saturday. It will be a full day of music for me, which is good - because it's been like FOREVER since I last saw live music.

It's looking like this is my agenda for the day:

The thing is, I just saw a photo from last year's festival, and it looks SO CROWDED. I don't know how well I'm going to be able to deal with THAT MANY PEOPLE all. day. long.

I guess I don't have a choice. I'm going with a long-lost friend (I keep being found by long lost friends through this site...which is nice and at the same time...kinda strange) & he already has the ticket. I suppose I could back out, but that wouldn't be very neighborly, would it?

Plus, how would I justify missing Franti?

Posted at 5:39 PM • Comments (8) • TrackBack

befuddling:

September 18, 2003

a direct quote from Monk:

"Someday, when I have a good enough relationship with Cole, I'll give one of my hours of computer time to him."

Posted at 11:20 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Why Coley can never go to school

September 18, 2003

Mainly because he pretends he doesn't know the answer when he really does, and he thinks it's the funniest thing in the world.

Like, if I point to a picture of a cow, and ask him what that is, he'll say "BUTTTT!" and crack up. It's only if *I* say that it's something outrageous, like if I say "It's not a BUTT, it's a porcupine!" that he'll say "no no no! It's a COW."

As if I'm the biggest idiot on the face of the planet.

I just don't think it would be fair to expect a public school teacher to have to put up with that sort of nonsense.

Posted at 9:43 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Need evidence that George Bush is faltering?

September 17, 2003

just do a google search for support+george+bush - most of the sites that come up are definitely NOT in support...including mine.

Posted at 12:56 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

RedHeadDread

September 17, 2003

I think I totally forgot to mention that Red Head Dread has joined the fullbleed crue, d00d. Go welcome her. She fucking rocks!

I have to say that those who come over to full bleed are brave souls. They get absolutely no support from me other than the space and a smile, and all of the blogs that I subhost (with the gracious generosity of our uber-host, liz) are so cool and unique and just plain groovy. Yay!

Posted at 11:58 AM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

I think I've hooked him

September 17, 2003

As I said before, we'll be spending the fall season focusing on Ancient Egypt (and perhaps expanding into other ancient cultures in that region). I think I've totally hooked Monk. He's been in his room for an hour reading the library books I've checked out and emerging every once in awhile to spout facts that he's learned.

He just told me that he wants to have an ancient egyptian theme for his 7th birthday party, and he wants a pinata shaped like a pyramid.

The only trouble is that I think we're going to run out of books to read at the rate he's going.

Posted at 11:31 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Now I'm tired AND pissed off.

September 16, 2003

I'm going to be getting back to THIS later. You can count on it.

WHILE THE PROGRAM studied at Boston-area schools did not change some unhealthful behaviors, the researchers say their results show health report cards might be a promising tool in the battle against the nation's childhood obesity epidemic. "Parents who received health and fitness report cards were almost twice as likely to know or acknowledge that their child was actually overweight than those parents who did not get a report card," said Robert McGowan, physical education program leader at Cambridge Public Schools. They also "were over twice as likely to plan weight-control activities for their overweight child," said McGowan, a study co-author.

I think I need to pre-emptively put myself in time out for a little while before responding to this one, as well.

Posted at 9:09 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Too tired to jump in...

September 16, 2003

But I feel like I need to link to this post by Cobb, and the subsequent link by Aaron (who I was just gushing to about how much he's been missed) and wishing I had the energy right now to give both posts some sort of reasoned response, but perhapst the best solution is just to sit back and let the words sink in a bit anyway.

UPDATE: Jason says his piece here.

Posted at 8:49 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Blogging Class, rough outline

September 16, 2003

How's this sound? Anyone wanna fill in any blanks for me? I know I need to throw blogging communities in there somewhere, and perhaps spend more time at the end on applications of blogs. please advise if there is anything else that needs to be added, or if I should be sure to include something under a topic that's already there. I kind of dig the idea of collaborating about a blog class on a blog. hahaha

Day 1
What is a blog?
History/timeline
Potential application
Notable blogs
Notable tools

Day 2
Starting up (using TypePad)
Choosing a name
Setting up a template
Features/Elements within TypePad
External Features/Elements to include

Day 3
Posting
Text
Links
Images

Day 4
More html tags

Day 5
Focus/purpose
Inspiration/memes
Crafting your posts

Day 6
Searching and Researching
Using Google
Using Google News
Using other weblog search/surf tools
Ethics and linking
Ethics and copyright

Day 7
Promoting your blog

Day 8
Wrap-up/review/party

Posted at 8:42 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Cockroach D-Day

September 16, 2003

Well, it's all settled. Cockroach D-Day is Thursday.

I almost feel bad for the little (big) buggers - or I WOULD feel bad for them if I didn't know I will be spending the next few weeks sweeping up countless cockroach corpses.

I'm so glad I don't believe in Hell. I'm certain there's a special place for poser environmentalists who go all hypocrite as soon as* THEIR house in invaded by bugs. I might as well drive around in a Ford Expedition with a nader sticker on the back of it.

*OK, I need to clarify that these fuckers have been gradually invading and overtaking my home over the span of the last 3 years or so...so it's not like I saw one bug, screeched, and called Elvis the bug man right away. Not that this justifies my use of chemical pesticides, but I'm the kind of person who needs people to know I've really tried. I tried boric acid, I tried traps, I tried keeping the house cleaner. I can't take it anymore.** The bugs really declared war when they totally destroyed the first-edition Laura Ingalls Wilder books that my mother handed down to me.

**Yes, I do believe i AM going rather insane.

Posted at 2:13 PM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

Well, ok.

September 16, 2003

Ms. Spookydoll is my hero, too...but she's been a part of my life in some form or other almost as long as mr. cave has, and she's been equally distant in miles, if not accessibility.

Go read this post. Here's an excerpt:

If this is the bottom line-- to love the place or leave it, who is free to choose from this false dichotomy? Who chooses the nation of their birth? Since when can you shop for a country ? Since when are borders so porous? Since when has free migration of human beings ever been a reality?
Perhaps this is the problem. The dominant culture tells us most important decisions of our lives take the form of the consumer model. And yet this model utterly fails when forced on the feelings of country love, hence the failure of the Bush Administration hiring a Madison Avenue advertising firm to sell the US as an "elegant name brand" to the people it intends to colonize. People shop for a mate. Their "type." My students thought they could buy a degree. Now people think they can affirm their citizenship with a car flag or stars n' stripes T-shirt. Is this passion? Is this what it means to be a citizen? I want no part of it.

Posted at 1:09 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Speaking of Superheroes...

September 16, 2003

Cole is walking around with an old WonderWoman pez dispenser, saying "hey, mama...it looks like YOU, mama! It looks like YOU."

So, susan...where's my wonder woman sweater? With cape, please.

Posted at 10:58 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

My Dogs.

September 16, 2003

I'm watching the dogs as they "guard the perimeter" - which basically means they are standing in the backyard and Bailey is barking at every single thing that moves and poor, dear Twyla is standing there with her ears perked, silent. She sniffs the air. I know she smells something, and in my mind I'm giving her superhero characteristics to compensate for her deafness. We have Super sniff and her sidekick, Barky. Beware any potiential burglars, if the one doesn't bust yr eardrums with her insistent and persistent barking, the other will sniff and drool ya to death.

Posted at 10:18 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Obsessed

September 16, 2003

For some reason I am finding myself completely obsessed with the band The White Stripes, even though their music is nothing like anything I have ever wanted to even accidentally listen to. OK, I exaggerate. But there are moments when they sound kind of Led Zeppelinish, and I always just REALLY REALLY HATED that band - so much that I have to reconsider whether I like someone if they say that they like them.

It might have been their stage presence...I saw them on SNL and they were fascinating to watch. I had the same reaction to Delta 77 when they opened up for Cibo Matto a few years ago...their music was a little too much on the classic rock side for me, but damn they put on a show.

Normally, I like my rock music bass-ey and fast rather than guitar-y, screechy, and mid-tempo. I guess The White Stripes throw enough of that 60's/70's garage influence in there to make it interesting to me. Plus they really do look cool on stage. I'm definitely going to have to listen to them more. You know, for investigational purposes.

While investigating, I ran across a FAQ, and I really like these two answers to questions.

2.8 Have they ever thought of adding another member? Aside from the occasional guest spot on their albums the two seem to be pretty settled with the two-person setup. Jack finds it advantageous to be playing with just Meg, "it's really good - we have a good communication between us which helps us figure out what we want to do. Because there's just the two of us in the band it means the music is less structured and can be more 'on the moment' so to speak. We can be very honest, and even if we scream and yell at each other we'll still love each other." "It's like some songs don't need to have bass and some don't need all that drumming. In art, knowing where to stop is so important. I'm still learning. I'll see some bands that'll start out with drums, then they'll add bass. Then they should probably stop (laughs) most times. But then they get another guitar and keyboard player, etc. Then you're like, 24, 36 tracks, and you can keep going and going and going. It's scary. Adding another member "would break up the thing of vocals, guitar and drums. Somebody else there would bring this fourth component. If you're going to have four components, you might as well have 20, y'know?"
2.9 How did they come up with the name The White Stripes?
Jack: "Meg loves peppermints, and we were going to call ourselves The Peppermints. But since our last name was White, we decided to call it The White Stripes," Jack reveals. "It revolved around this childish idea, the ideas kids have - because they are so much better than adult ideas, right?"

They say a lot about corporate sponsorships and commercials in that FAQ, as well...but I can't help but think we'll be wooed to buy an automobile with a White Stripes song at some point in the future, with the way Mr. White leaves it open-ended like this:

3.5 Did the Gap offer them a million dollars to do a commercial? Jack: "No. It wasn't a million dollars, but we did turn down a Gap ad. I think a couple of them. There were so many insane offers like that. There still are, as you can imagine. I'm sure that any band that gets that kind of attention, that kind of buzz, gets stupid offers from people trying to leech off them. The Gap wanted us to be in a commercial and we said 'no' and everyone said, 'why not'? It's almost as if, if people are willing to give you that much money, you are insulting everyone you know by turning it down. People's opinions about selling out seem to have changed over the years."
"There's been tons of things: beer commercials, video-game scores and movie soundtracks-it just never stopped. It starts to get really weird when these money amounts, they start adding up in your brain, you're like, 'This is disgusting.' I mean, I can't believe these corporations are like, 'O.K., what's the hip new band? Yeah, White Stripes, let's get them on the commercial. Give 'em a million dollars.'"

"It starts to bother you when you get so many offers and so much money is thrown at you from these generic companies who don't care about spending half a million dollars on this or that. When it all starts piling up, you start thinking, "Man, I might really want that money 50 years from now." We were never against it, and a lot of popular opinion nowadays has changed about those kinds of things. We still haven't done anything like a commercial, but I'm not really against it."

Ah, well...I didn't say they were my heroes, I'm just saying they play good music and put on a good show.

Posted at 9:05 AM • Comments (27) • TrackBack

Some interesting facts about our pigs in power

September 15, 2003

From this excerpt of Jim Hightowers' new book - Thieves in High Places:

Perhaps this gaping economic chasm between those on the inside and all the rest of us on the outside explains why our strumpets of state never get around to dealing with little matters like assuring healthcare for all families, passing living-wage legislation and making sure everyone gets a decent retirement. Members of the Congressional club feel no urgency because, hey, it's not them--they have no personal anxiety about such matters, because (1) they're well off and (2) they're covered on all this by us taxpayers. Yes, even the multimillionaires in Congress get:
• Full platinum-level health coverage for them and their families, including choosing their own docs, seeing the specialists they need, dental care and cosmetic surgery for their pets. (Just kidding about that last one--but don't put it past them!)

• A rosy retirement, with pensions that can rise higher than the pay they got while in office. Just the starting pensions are sweet--Phil Gramm, who finally did something for the people of Texas by leaving the Senate last year, starts out drawing retirement pay of $78,534 a year. He'll be paid more for doing nothing than 80-plus percent of us Americans are paid for working full time.

• Regular cost-of-living pay raises. While Congress has not seen fit to increase the minimum wage (still $5.15 an hour) since 1996, the members did give themselves four $5,000 pay raises during the past five years. This $20,000 "adjustment" in each of their own annual pay packets is $8,000 more than the gross pay that a full-time minimum-wage worker would get if Congress ever gets around to the $1 wage hike they've been "talking" about for years.

• Excellent job security. Did you know that a member of Congress is four times more likely to die in office than to lose an election? This is not only because of the special-interest money they're stuffed with, but also because the GOP and Democrats conspire to divide the turf in each state, gerrymandering districts to assure that 96 percent of them are "safe" for the incumbents. There's not much democracy in a rigged system that now allows only twenty of the 435 House seats to be competitive.

Posted at 8:18 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Radical Homeschool Blog, take 2

September 15, 2003

Michelle is doing a great job redesigning the radical homeschool blog, and I think she's pretty close to being done, which means I have some work to do, and I'm wondering if you can help me.

I'd basically just like everyone who is interested in submitting content to the site to reply to this post, and everyone who might know someone who is interested in submitting content to the site to link to or pass on a link to this post so whoever else is interested can also leave a comment. That way, I can create accounts and an e-mail list for all interested parties, and can start the ball rolling on getting content on the site on a regular basis.

If you already talk about homeschooling on your blog a lot, that's fine, too - I would encourage you to cross-post your homeschooling posts for the widest audience.

The radical homeschool blog is going to be two blogs in one - we will have a main blog section for posting content (essays, opinions, reviews, etc) and a sidebar for posting links to other homeschool information out there. I'm hoping to get conversations going and really make this an informative site with support for anyone who is currently homeschooling, and information for anyone who is considering homeschooling, and lots of tasty arguments for people who want to stir things up by saying "homeschooling is dumb" and stuff.

So, comment here, and I will set you up there. I'd like to start getting a list of people together ASAP so we can be ready when the site is done being designed.

And don't forget to send Michelle something from her wishlist as a thank you for her brilliant design work.

Posted at 8:04 PM • Comments (11) • TrackBack

Heroes.

September 15, 2003

Earlier today I came out and admitted something that I don't think I've ever admitted. I think it happened on this very blog, too. I have a hero.

I mean, I've always had heroes in my every day life. My friends, the people I work with, the clients in the program I work for...these are all my heroes. However, I have always scoffed at the idea of having some sort of famous person as a hero. Kill Yr Idols! was always my philosophy.

But, the thing is, I keep bumping up against Nick Cave as a hero, as a visionary, as an inspiring artist. It seems as though every time I come around the corner of another phase in my life, I read something by him, or hear one of his songs, or read an interview with him, and I discover something about myself that I hadn't noticed before.

Certainly this is probably just projection. It's much easier to see things when projected on the larger than life images of people who are out there in the public eye...particularly when those people have endured a significant amount of bullshit and continue to live productive and apparently fulfilling lives. I mean, it's not really different from the way I feel about friends of mine who have stories to tell, but perhaps it puts things in perspective to identify with a famous artist that I have no tangible relationship with - no obligation towards...where I can observe, unobserved.

So, I'm wondering...who is your hero? Yeah, yeah - yr mom, yr neighbors dog who rescued a puppy from a burning building, yr cousin who fought breast cancer. We know those. Those are important - vital. But what I wanna know is who are your larger than life, never met, famous, fanmail kind of heroes? And why. Don't leave me hanging, now. I wanna hear all about it.

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Elvis the bug guy

September 15, 2003

I was just paid a visit from Elvis the bug guy. He rocks. He inspected my whole entire house for free and gave me an estimate on getting rid of these FUCKING COCKROACHES upon whom I am prepared to unleash the deadliest chemicals on in spite of my personal aversion to doing so. I don't care. I will gladly live in eco-hell forever if it means I never ever EVER have to worry about waking up in the middle of the night to the sounds of a mass cockroach orgy in my bedroom.

But it turns out that almost all of the stuff they use is natural anyway, boric-acid type stuff that really won't have a huge impact on my little ecosystem. My main concern were the toads who live in our yard, and he said not to worry. And, yes, I can still grow a garden. And he didn't even make fun of me for being a slob, AND he liked the music I was playing.

BUT he was wearing a wedding ring. So sad. I almost planted one on him when he told me how easy it would be to get rid of those fuckers, and he gave me a list of things that I can do to eliminate pests...and if I do all of them, chances are I won't even need to be treated...but the list is long, and it will take me awhile to get there. I'll be working on it, though.

HOWEVER...I don't have termites. YAY! And I can probably sue the former owners of the house because they did not remove the wood from beneath the house like they said they were going to. He said that will eventually give me roaches AND it could very well cause the entire house to cave in. How nice.

So, anyway, I need to figure out how to rearrange my finances to allow for this biannual treatment thingie. Gosh it'll be nice to not have to hear the flitter flutter of bigass wings in the middle of the night. And, much as I love to play terminator with the big bottle of peppermint Dr. Bronners - I really actually would prefer it if I could store my books on bookshelves rather than airtight boxes.

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what he said

September 15, 2003

Did i mention I'm delighted that Zagg has a blog. Expect to see a lot of posts with "what he said" as a title from here on out. Better yet, just link to him and read every day, so you don't miss posts like this.

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Inspiration

September 15, 2003

"Nature knows no divisions, one field runs into the next. Having erected fences, I am imprisoned inside my head." -Flux (inspired by the Tao te Ching)

I've been reading the latest issue of punk planet. At least, I think it's the latest issue. It's #57, the one with the cover illustration of/interview with Nick Cave*, and it's fantastic. I used to subscribe, but for some reason I just never renewed, and now I want to subscribe again. I think punk planet is a really dumb name for such an excellent zine, but that shouldn't stop me from talking about it.

I truly get inspired when I read it. I had forgotten about some things - some reasons why I do the things I do and am who I am. I had forgotten that, underneath it all, I am an artist. In my own way, I am an activist. And, just like in the portion of the Cave interview I posted on randomwalks, I can't separate these things from my daily life. Just like my daily life is full of "deep politics" (I have to admit, that is a bit facetious, as if to say "some politics are more political than others, which we all know is bullshit...but maybe we can discuss that later, I'm kind of on a roll here) - my daily life is also potentially full of "high art" - not as in high-faluting art, but the kind of art that transcends daily life by being deeply embedded in and inspired by daily life.

I get caught up in mechanics. Years of working in an environment where the best way was the most efficient way, rather than the easiest or the most fun way. This is the thing that keeps me from producing tangible art on a regular basis. it's simply not efficient enough to invest my brainwashed time in.

For instance, the task of painting the back room in my house seems totally daunting to me. There is all this equipment I'm supposed to buy, and all of these procedures I'm supposed to follow...and where the fuck do I find 4 hours of spare time to complete the project in my already overburdened day?

Where, indeed...but it hits me...Do I have to paint it all at once? Do I have to follow the prescribed methodology for painting a room? Can I not buy a bucket or two of paint and a hand brush and carefully, carefully, paint a little bit at a time. A wall here, a section there, a giant stripe here, a puffy cloud there...until the task is complete? Can I not just paint a mural, a little bit at a time, avoiding drips on the carpet and slops on the ceiling not by mechanizing the process, but by slowing it down?

Extending that thought into my daily life, I think about all of the things I do mechanically. Sometimes even interactions with my children become tasks that must be accomplished in order to move on to the next task. How long has it been since we dropped everything and went to the playground on a non-scheduled park day? How pushed to the edge will I get before I realize that, when all else fails, I can run and hide under the covers and suddenly we will all be relaxing in a magical space ship ready to transport us back to the age of the dinosaurs. How ingrained in me is it to look at the clock in the midst of a fun interaction with the children? How much of a pattern do I need to have to be comfortable, and how much can I eradicate and still be comfortable.

In other words, how much am I sacrificing to my little self-imposed god of order and efficiency? And how much do I want to sacrifice. How much do I let my life mould my art, rather than allowing my art to enrich my life, and create a life that is interesting and unrestrictive for myself and my children?

*The interview is absolutely excellent, by the way. One of the best interviews of anyone I have ever read. Cave is relaxed, real, and almost playful - but not in the usual mean way he is in interviews...kind of fatherly. It really made me feel bad for dissing his last release so hard, and, in fact, I have warmed to a couple of songs on the disc. But, more than that, it really made it clear that, for me, Nick Cave will probably pick up that torch that Johnny Cash lay at his graveside, and I'm looking forward to hearing what Cave comes up with when HE is 70 years old. I chose my only hero well, and I'm kind of relieved to see that he hasn't succumb to shallowness or narrowness as he's grown older.

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I could pretty much spend a few hours at this site

September 14, 2003

Mostly because I'm on dial-up, but it's still pretty interesting.

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Dogs Playing

September 14, 2003

I'm so psyched to report that right before it started shit storming here (rain pouring down and thunder and shit) the two dogs had their first ever little play session. It was great! Twyla, the hyper boxer, finally has convinced Bailey to play with her. They zoomed around the backyard, nipping and yapping and never once breaking into any serious fighting. This is EXACTLY why I wanted to get another dog. They are so fun to watch, and they are both, I'm sure, a lot happier now that they have another little canine friend to play doggy games with.

Their games was called due to rain, but I think both dogs were glad of it. They spent the next few hours panting and lolling about on the floor.

Next time, I'll have to get a picture. But I think I'm going to wait until some of this mud dries up.

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I just need to see this at the top of my page for a bit.

September 12, 2003

Slake
by: suture

Satiate or moderate you offer sips, I opt for slake. I give to give for you to take. Libate licentious raucaus rake. Upend the mug in throated draughts no subtle grins but belly laughs. My cup of tea philosophy is sweet deep drinking anarchy. Entire seas between the knees...a-drip, a-drop, a-turn-at-ease. You tell me "yr too much" I glee! "noway. I'm absolutely free!"

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The day (so far)

September 12, 2003

We managed to get out of the house nice and early for our scheduled field trip to Whole Foods. We were there about 15 minutes before we were supposed to meet up with everyone, so me and the boys drank orange juice and lemonade while we waited.

I highly recommend this field trip, by the way. The Whole Foods folks are very nice and generous when it comes to samples, and the tour of the store was captivating enough to keep the kids fairly attentive throughout. We got to sample organic raspberries, shrimp, chicken sausage, sunny bears, apple juice, string cheese, and yummy snickerdoodles. Of course, my boys and I didn't have the shrimp or sausage, but it was still a nice little tour. All of the people working in the departments were friendly and knowledgeable, and I think everyone had a good time. It wasn't incredibly educational, and I wish we had gotten a tour of the (as one of the kids said it) REAL store - I would have liked to see the storage and receiving areas and gotten a better idea of the inner workings of a grocery store - the parts my kids don't normally get to see - but it was still a nice little Friday morning outing and we got some shopping done after the tour was over, and they gave us these cute Whole Kids totebags, so all in all it was a pleasant adventure.

And then I came home, a little worried about having left the house empty for a few hours (not sure if I was more worried about someone breaking in, or if the dogs would destroy everything, because it was the first time I had left both dogs uncrated together in the main part of the house.) Unfortunately, it looks like my OTHER neighbor was broken into. Their garage doors are hanging open and no one is home, and that's not really something they do. So I called the local non-emergency police number to report the oddity, and I'm hoping their main house didn't get broken into as well.

I'm also hoping there's a different explanation for the fact that their garage doors are hanging open, because I'm afraid it's just a bit too freaky to me that the 2 houses directly adjacent to mine have been broken into on consecutive days.

Pretty soon L will be here. Coley is taking a nap, exhausted from his silly fun time at the grocery store. Monk and I are going to head out to see a matinee showing of Spy Kids 3 whenever L gets here, and have an afternoon together. It should be pretty fun.

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Johnny Cash AND John Ritter

September 12, 2003

Evidently, I should have just stayed in bed today.

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monk's grin & monk's dog

September 12, 2003

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Break in

September 11, 2003

So, somehow, while we were sitting here at home having a good time today, some whistle ass broke into my next-door neighbors' house and stole all of their stuff.

This has been happening a lot lately in my neighborhood. Mostly car break-ins, but there has been more crime than usual lately. So now I have to fight back paranoia about coming back to an empty house. I am just kind of glad that I now have a dog that can hear. And not only that, but I have a feeling she barks pretty much constantly while we are gone. So I have the loud dog and the ass-kicking deaf dog, and I feel PRETTY safe, but it would be a lot nicer if there wasn't crime happening all around my house. Pretty please.

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how cool

September 11, 2003

I'm probably going to find a way to use this - especially since phpnuke seems way beyond my ability right now, and I just don't have the time to learn it. I'm not COMPLETELY giving up, mind you, but it would be nice to have a good portal right there on the index page of fullbleed.net.

And now that there are several other cool blogs being hosted at randomwalks, I wanna use it on this site, as well.

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Breastfeeding Photo Contest

September 11, 2003

Thanks to aimee for the link to this site, which contains some really beautiful photos of breastfeeding mamas.

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r@d@r on 9/11

September 11, 2003

There will be no 9/11 content on this site, but you can look here if you are craving 9/11 content.

Thanks, r@d@r.

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Jhames on Dating

September 11, 2003

I love Jhames.

And I think I'm going to try to write me a personal ad...just so I can clearly define for myself what I am most definitely (and most definitely NOT) looking for, even though I'm perfectly happy not looking AT ALL for awhile yet to come.

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Swoon.

September 11, 2003

Zagg has his own blog now. I'm totally smitten.

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Ancient Egypt

September 11, 2003

Monk and I have decided that we are going to start studying Ancient Egypt this season. I think we can pretty much stretch the "lessons" through the entire season, and there are tons of fun things we can do that cross disciplines. For instance, the Egyptians had a really interesting number system that will be fun to learn and will kind of encompass math, as well as drawing.

There's a HUGE wealth of information out there about the Ancient Egyptians, and I'm kind of excited about getting started. I checked some books out of the library last night, and I'm eyeing a couple of things at Amazon that I can't find at the library. I'm not buying anything until I know that we will stick with this type of learning (I still don't know if Monk will put up with anything structured). I also have a few other homeschoolers in the area interested in meeting up on a regular basis to discuss what we've learned and do group projects, and a space in which to do that, so it should be pretty fun for us. (I'll try to post some links later, when I have more time, if anyone is interested.)

I'm really ready to transform that back room into a fun area for us. There are windows facing east and looking out at our huge oak tree to the south, and I can just imagine how wonderful it will be in the autumn when it's a little cooler and we're in there with the sun streaming in. I want big pillows and little mats for the children to sit/lay on. I have tables, shelves, posters and other things that are waiting to go up. I'm still trying to decide if I should move the computer back there, but it seems like it would be best to leave that room media free (aside from dragging the portable stereo in there every once in awhile).

Speaking of media free, the television is once again going up as of the first day of autumn. Up up up in the attic or somewhere totally out of sight. It has started to become a habit for the kids to get up and turn the TV on while I wake up in the morning, and I'd rather change that habit to something more along the lines of all of us waking up and going for a walk...especially when the weather improves. Something more productive. It's only a matter of time before that TV completely falls apart anyway, it's being held together right now with electrical tape and it's like 10 years old or so. I don't really intend to buy another one when that one dies, although I would like to get a dvd player for the computer so the kids can watch dvd's - and maybe I'll get a monitor that I can hook up to my vcr so we can still watch videos every now and then. It's not high on my list of priorities, though.

Reclaimed space, reclaimed time, reclaimed self-esteem. I'm just taking it all back, aren't I?

(which reminds me of one of my favorite pre-emo songs from my high school days.)

Take it Back
by Gray Matter

Assert yourself assert your mind
When you find yourself losing time
And wonder whether things look right
When you find yourself losing sight
Got to rely on myself
Cause there's really no one else
There's nothing that you stole from me
That I didn't give up willingly
Disown myself except a curse
And let myself be so immersed
Then lose myself in selfless sorrow
Lose myself in no tomorrow
Then smile awhile but no it's wrong
For me to be forgone so long
Got to rely on myself
Cause there's really no one else
And all the shades of variation
Between escape and liberation
But I don't question what I'm seeing
I'm confronting - I'm not fleeing
Got to learn to trust myself
Cause there's really no one else
You could keep me floating around
Until my feet didn't touch the ground
and I thought I'd never come down
It was nice until I found
That I had to be unbound
Cause things were fucking my head around
And I was pushing it all away
And never thinking about the day
That I had to look inside
Cuase there was nowhere else to hide
And I was wasting all my time
Losing all I thought was mine
And refusing to react
And ignoring all the facts
That anything you stole from me
I can always steal it back
I can always take it right back
I can always take it back
Everything you stole from me
I can always take it back
Take it right back now.

Posted at 11:14 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Struggling

September 11, 2003

I've been struggling a little bit over the past week or so with some self-confidence issues, but I had an excellent appointment with my therapist yesterday and she gave me some coping tools that really helped. She also suggested that I eat a protein shake for breakfast and that perhaps I should start using rescue remedy again. I realized that I haven't been taking vitamins for a long time, and I haven't exactly been eating well lately, and I haven't been taking the bus to work, so I haven't been getting as much exercise as I should.

All of that, and the fact that I'm going through a pretty traumatic experience would probably explain why I'm having such a difficult time keeping things in perspective. Yesterday, in the afternoon before my appointment, the kids and I had such a horrible argument that everyone ended up on the floor crying, and i had to lock myself in the bathroom until I was able to let go of some of the anger I was feeling. It was a sudden flare up, and it built really fast, and we all sort of exploded at once. It's amazing how INTENSE and PHYSICAL parenting can be sometimes. I could FEEL my mind trying to figure out how to resolve this huge problem that cropped up, but no one else was cooperating with any of the choices I offered - no one else was coming up with anything, so I had to just LET IT GO and let them be upset for a little while until we were all able to come to a place where we could work it out.

(If you are curious, it started out as an argument between me and Monk about practicing writing numbers...he tried to trace a "2" that I wrote, got REALLY upset that he couldn't do it, I got frustrated because he was getting so bent out of shape about it, Cole was climbing all over me and scribbling all over the project that I was trying to do with Monk, I was getting frustrated that Coley feels like he needs to be the center of attention all of the time. I think I ended up yelling at both of them, and I'm pretty sure I slammed a door at one point because the dog got out in the middle of all of this, and I couldn't find the other dog. All of it was incredibly PETTY...but it all happened at once, and all of us were operating at a level of extreme...extremeness.)

Anyway, in the end, we all were able to come to the center and work it out. The whole thing, from blow-up to resolution, lasted all of 15 minutes, and we continued the day without any other problems.

Part of my problem lately, though, is I keep playing a tape over and over in my mind of all of the things I did wrong. All of the things I said wrong. The entire day's worth of wrongdoings replayed again and again, and it's just not helpful. So, I'm working on that. I'm supposed to try to remember all of the nice things that anyone has ever said about me, and retrain myself to stop beating myself up. This beating myself up thing has not been a constant presence in my life, but it's pretty consistent. Which is to say, I don't ALWAYS beat myself up, but I go through phases where I'm just not very nice to myself, internally...and that's probably not a good idea. At all. Well, ok, it's REALLY not a good idea at all. I don't deserve it.

So, anyway, that's where my head is at right now. The other thing my therapist observed that was helpful to hear is that I'm probably pretty depressed, and it's probably interfering with my brain functioning. I've kind of been wondering what is up with me because I feel like I can never think of anything to say in conversations lately, I'm having a difficult time coming up with things to write about in the blog, and I just don't feel on top of things as much as I usually do (which is pretty funny, considering how very much I manage to accomplish on a daily basis) - and all of that made her conclude that I need to go on some sort of anti-depressent. When she said this, I sucked in my breath, but then she mentioned rescue remedy, and I was relieved.

So, I'm going to start an anti-depression regimen that includes eating well, exercising as much as I can (I've done yoga two mornings in a row, and Monk and I went for a walk last night when I got home from work. We looked at the big full moon and talked and talked) taking rescue remedy, and being kind to myself.

It's not gonna be easy, but I think I can do it.

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Monk has lost his tooth

September 9, 2003

Toothless grin photos coming up later. Everyone think happy tooth fairy thoughts.

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Nine in the morning

September 9, 2003

I just thought everyone should know that it's nine in the morning, my kitchen is clean, all dishes are clean and put up, my bedroom has been tidied, the bed is made. I did most of this last night before I went to bed, and it is a wonderful thing to wake up to. I'm not sure why I didn't figure this out ages ago.

I'm feeling a little insecure about my childcare plan. Everyone I talk with about it online thinks it's a great idea, but I have yet to interest anyone I know in person. I'm not sure if it's the crowd of people that I told, or if it's just not an interesting proposal to real people, or if people just think I'm creepy and don't trust me with their kids (um, that would be my insecurity talking.)

I'm really REALLY hoping I can interest some people in my plan. It would help me a lot. And it would be extra income (although much-needed extra income) so I would not be in a panic if I didn't get a certain amount of kids every time.

I was hoping that I would generate enough interest among the people I KNOW to make it work, but I might actually have to market to people I DON'T know. I don't know why this freaks me out, but it kind of does.

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Space

September 8, 2003

I have a note to myself here that says I need to write about how great it feels to have my own space. And even though L watches the kids there while I'm at work, it does feel tremendously MINE, in a way that it hasn't felt since we first got the house and everything between L and me was good. I remember those days when I would walk down the hallway and just think "Wow. My own house. This is so cool."

I think the house falling into disrepair made the disrepair in our relationship somehow more tangible. And it's been unpleasant to live there. Things aren't orderly, walls need paint, fence needs a picket, gate sticks, foundation is cracking...it's such an obvious metaphor that I cringe to write it. And don't even talk about the freaking roaches and termites. I've had it with them.

I want to buff and wax the floors. I want to buy new screen doors. I want to fix the fence and patch the foundation. I want the house to look as good as I feel about it. When I sit alone and night and the kids are in bed, I just look around me and I feel like there's so much room for improvement and, rather than mourn that so much needs to be improved - I'm gleefully anticipating doing the work that it will takes to make it more livable there. I'm hoping I can enlist the help of a few friends and make it more like a party.

With that said, I want to reveal my brilliant money-making scheme. I've decided I would like to create a space in the back room for a weekend evening childcare drop-off. I already have an assistant who wants to help, and I'll basically charge like 25 bux to let parents drop their kids off for 4 hours or so. We'll do crafts and play and read stories, the kids will have fun, I will have fun, my kids will probably have a blast, and I will be able to bring in about what I would have brought in to rent out that room, only I'll have the benefit of being able to use the room for our activities during the week, and I'll have a little extra money and an excuse to get art supplies on a regular basis. I think it will be totally fun for everyone...and I'm so excited to get the word out and get it started that I can hardly wait. I've already decided that we're going to do a Halloween theme in October and I will maybe get some good face paint and we can make little tissue paper ghosts and pipecleaner spiders.

It seems like such a good plan, and so much fun! All of the mamas I've told so far seem to think it's a good idea, but I've yet to really talk to someone who might be close enough to participate. I can't imagine that it won't go over well. I can probably have up to 10 kids there at a time, especially with an assistant to watch over the younger children and the potential for some kids to be inside and some to be outside. I just need to finish getting that room cleaned out, and then steam clean the rug, clean up the yard a good deal, and organize the space. I might see about getting some bean bag chairs or big pillows for story time...but we have plenty of fun toys, and I can always use Connections to provide cool new stuff every week without having to buy anything. I have so, so many resources for cool project ideas.

I could go on and on raving about how much fun I think this could be. I've even had the idea that I could let other mama friends use the space when I'm not there to have playgroups or whatever. I mean, the list goes on. Really it does.

So, yeah. I'm pretty thrilled right now. There's a lot of cool stuff to look forward to. It's all about recrafting my life - with an emphasis on being crafty about it. It feels like I can do anything I want, and that everything will be OK. I love my home, and this is a way that I can continue to live there without having to be away from my kids or compromise our security by inviting strangers to live in our home. It feels good to have a solution. Let's hope it works.

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My Beautiful, My Beautiful...

September 8, 2003

Monk and I were hanging laundry this morning. Well, he was taking down the dry laundry and I was hanging the wet laundry (isn't he cool?) and coley demanded that I "sing up up and away!"

So I did...

"Up, up and awaaaay, in my beautiful, my beautiful balloon!"

As I continued to hang, I could hear coley processing this song through his little potty-mouth-o-meter, and this is what came out (Imagine this sung in a scratchy little nearly three-year old voice):

"Down, down and away, in my bootafew my bootafew toilet!"

Shortly thereafter, Monk and Cole had a fart noise contest. Cole won.

All of this is probably why I found this post by Madame Fab quite amusing this morning.

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Sundays

September 8, 2003

I surfaced from sleep today thinking that I had to spend some time this morning writing about how Sundays are becoming my favorite day of the week. This is strange for me, because I had anticipated dreading Sundays, as it's the one day of the week that I don't get a break from parenting, and this is a new thing. Just a month ago, Sunday was one of "my days" where I had about 5 hours of alone time.

What I'm finding, though, is that I'm enjoying the flow of the uninterrupted day with the kids. We wake up, and we go about our business slowly and methodically. We work through the day, and we establish a rhythm that is not interrupted or rushed by scheduling demands like work. If it takes me 2 hours to make pancakes in the morning, I don't have to worry about shaving that time off of my fun time with the kids so I can get to work on time. It's a great day to stroll through slowly and recharge to face the rest of the week. And at the end of the day is church.

I'm really not all that thrilled about the UU service for myself. There's nothing really WRONG with it, but I haven't really been in a community spirit lately, and I'm not interested in meeting new people, and I'm not incredibly inspired by the sermon. What I *AM* getting out of it right now, though, is some time to sit and think while the kids are entertained elsewhere. Monk and Cole seem to really enjoy the childcare, and for me, the deal seems to be being forced to sit in one place, doing nothing, and listen to someone talk...is relaxing. I can't write, I can't read, I can't DO anything. I about 2 hours where I'm forced to JUST sit. You know? It's the last activity of the week, it doesn't interrupt the day in the middle, and when we go home I make a simple dinner and let the kids do whatever it is that they want to do.

I think I need to consider this flow for the rest of the week. The truth is that I sometimes rush us through things unnecessarily, because I want to get to that nugget of alone time. Perhaps if I concentrated more on the rhythm and less on my time to myself, I would better enjoy the time I have with the children and actually NEED the alone time LESS.

Like who wouldn't enjoy hanging out under the covers with two giggling, silly little boys, pretending to be blasting off in a spaceship time machine to a far away land? Or reading book after book after book. Or looking under rocks for ants. I get impatient with these activities sometimes because I'm rushing through to the next thing and the next thing and the next thing. I need to stop rushing. I need to enjoy the moment that's happening at the moment it happens.

I'll start now with coffee and blog surfing, and then we're headed to the playground. Have a nice day.

***

Oh, and P.S. I also had a dream this morning that I got to hang out with Deb at her house on the beach. I don't think Deb even lives near the beach, but she did in my dream. I saw a really cool bird, and I went swimming, and we had all sorts of fun.

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Verses

September 8, 2003

I'm working on easing into the curriculum planning next week. I like to have a poem of the week that's kind of silly, and a morning circle opening and closing verse, as well as a bedtime verse. This site is an excellent resource for waldorf verses and other waldorfy goodness. Unfortunately, if I do something waldorfy for the weekly verse, Monk gets pissy with me, so I have to do a silly poem, like this one by Shel Silverstein:

Strange Restaurant

I said, "I'll take the T-bone steak."
A soft voice mooed, "Oh wow."
And I looked up and realized
The waitress was a cow.
I cried, "Mistake--forget the the steak.
I'll take the chicken then."
I heard a cluck--'twas just my luck
The busboy was a hen.
I said, "Okay no, fowl today.
I'll have the seafood dish."
Then I saw through the kitchen door
The cook--he was a fish.
I screamed, "Is there anyone workin' here
Who's an onion or a beet?
No? Your're sure? Okay then friends,
A salad's what I'll eat."
They looked at me. "Oh,no," they said,
"The owner is a cabbage head."

****
For my opening morning circle verse, I chose:

Good Morning, dear earth; Good Morning, Dear sun!
Good Morning dear stones and flowers every one!
Good Morning dear busy bees and birds in the tress!
Good Morning to you and Good Morning to me!

For my closing morning circle verse:

May my hands work with care
My heart work with love
And my mind work with attention

(and, damnit, I need to really pay attention to that one. Lately I've been downright bitchy with the kids. Impatient with Cole, demanding with Monk. Not really being mindful of my tone of voice or my patience level.)

And my evening verse will be:

The owl cries loud: too-whit, too-whoo!
'Tis night, 'tis night, the door is shut tight,
The day's work is done for everyone.
So now goodnight, goodnight, goodnight!

Posted at 12:23 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Fun with idiotic e-bay vendors.

September 7, 2003

There is nothing more anger-inducing to me than to have a person who is supposedly attempting to run a business treat me, as a customer, like crap...and feel entitled to do so. I tip well. I treat clerks in stores respectfully. I'm down with the annoyance factor of having to deal with the public on a regular basis. But I also expect to be treated reasonably in return. I don't normally complain if I'm not...I usually just choose to spend my money elsewhere. Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to do that on e-bay without being threatened with some weird form of blacklisting. Dude, that's screwed up.

I ordered a swimsuit on e-bay yesterday from this idiot, and unfortunately discovered too late that s/he does not accept paypal from unconfirmed addresses, and even though his/her site specifically stated that paypal will confirm addresses without the use of a credit card, it neglected to state that there was a long, tedious process that involved faxing and mailing and probably takes upwards of a month or so.

So I attempted to cancel the transaction, which is not something I would normally do. However, my swimsuit is ruined and swimming has become my weekly meditation time, so I really do need to get a new swimsuit as quickly as possible, and this person is going to be out of town for a week starting on 9/11 - so most likely I would not get the suit before the last week of September, which puts me out of the water for a few weeks.

My initial e-mail went like this:

I would like to pay by paypal, but I do not have a confirmed address.

I kept it short and sweet because the FAQ on paypal indicated that one way to pay even without having a confirmed address is to just deal with the vendor directly. I figured a vendor would want to actually sell the item, so they would work with me. I had no idea that I would get a response like this:

Hi, It's written in our auctions to avoid confusion. I realize you are new to eBay, but you need to understand this is a binding contract. You are obligated to complete this transaction and can't cancel it without consequences. It costs us to list these and we don't appreciate people playing games. If you are refusing to complete this transaction, then I have to file a Non-Paying bidder alert with eBay and I don't want to cause you that trouble. Your best option is to send a MO. The choice is yours, just understand that there are consequences to refusing. I've included a link to Ebay's policy on this.... Robin http://pages.ebay.com/help/index_popup.html?policies=non-payment.html

So, that's like a threat, right? And not only that, but s/he is immediately accusing me of playing games...like I have nothing better to do than sit around and make bids on items I don't intend to buy, just to fuck with those e-bay folks.

sigh...read on if you want to read the rest of the e-mails...they get better. The summary is that s/he calls me irresponsible, sad, and pathetic. Now, if that isn't an excellent customer service model...I don't know what is.

My response to him/her went like this:

Well, since you are going on vacation, and since I would like to start swimming again in less than a month or so from now, I think it's pretty important that I am able to find a more suitable merchant right now. You are free to do whatever you wish, but I think it would be terrible customer service for you to complain about my inability to pay you the way you wish to be paid.. As a plus-sized woman who has a signicant number of online outlets to complain about unfair customer service practices, I would advise you to think twice so that perhaps, in the future, I might feel more compelled to purchase from you in the future, and less compelled to talk negatively about this transaction to people who might wish to purchase from you. I'm not playing any games, I'm just trying to find a swimming suit! I hope you understand. I really just assumed my paypal was acceptable, since I have used it for other types of online transactions. Thanks, Robin. livelifelove lainie

and s/he responded:

Your threats are sad and pathetic. You shouldn't be bidding if you can't read. You have an obligation to follow through. You say "...I think it would be terrible customer service for you to complain about my inability to pay you the way you wish to be paid." Well as a seller, we have a right to choose which payment methods we accept. You don't have the right to dictate how you pay. We also don't accept checks and I've returned them uncashed. Paypal encourages sellers not to ship to unconfirmed addresses and refuses sellers any protection if they do. We don't negotiate on this subject. I am required to wait 7 days to file the NPB. If there is not a MO here when I return from my trip, count on it. You decide if you want this against you. If it is here when I return, we will ship that Friday or the following Monday Priority so you would have it in 2-3 days. I have already blocked you from bidding again on our auctions. You have a choice of being responsible and mature or not and accept your responsibility. As our feedback indicates, we offer excellent service for our excellent customers. We won't however be bullied by a newbie who want their own way. Don't bother responding to this. Just think about it and decide if you want to accept the NPB or not.

I might as well pick this apart here. I do so wish I was still doing customer service training. This would be a prime example of what not to do. First, there's the whole thing about calling your client "sad" and "pathetic" (ok, maybe calling the clients so-called "threats" sad and pathetic. And since when is informing others about bad business practices a threat. I was merely trying to remind this idiot that I was, in fact, the customer and s/he was, in fact, the merchant.) To further indicate that this person's head is lodged firmly up his/her ass, s/he decides to try to FORCE me into paying by money order. What-the-fuck-ever. Like I really want to do business with someone who basically calls me an idiot. Right.

Anyway, just because I was on an adrenaline rush, I responded again, after searching paypal for validity:

Just for your records, and so you can remove the false claim that paypal will confirm addresses without a credit card from your auction pages, from the paypal FAQ:
Top Questions
Q. Why do I need to add a credit card to my PayPal account to have a Confirmed Address?

A. Confirmed Address is the address at which you receive your monthly credit card billing statements. When you add a credit card, we confirm that the address you enter is the same as the one your credit card company has on file, providing further assurance that the credit card is not stolen. In order for a seller to be protected under PayPal's Seller Protection Policy, he may only ship goods to a buyer's Confirmed Address.

PayPal realizes that there are legitimate reasons why a buyer would want goods shipped to an alternate address. In these cases, we suggest contacting the seller directly. Since the seller will not be covered by PayPal's Seller Protection Policy, it is the buyer's responsibility to provide enough additional information for the seller to feel comfortable taking the risk of shipping to a non-Confirmed Address.

Because his/her payment information specifically stated that there was a way to confirm unconfirmed addresses on paypal without the use of a credit card.

So, basically, I just wanted to vent about stupid people who have no clue how to run a business. And I wanted to be sure to include this person's link so you can avoid him/her if you are looking for plus-sized e-bay stuff (I considered posting his/her e-mail address, as well...but thought better of it). Please pass this on. I'd hate for other "newbies" (obviously this person is too dumb to read my feedback and see that I've been around e-bay for over 5 years...I just don't purchase much. I guess you could say that I'm a discerning customer) to be likewise insulted.

Fucking idiot.

Oh, while I'm ranting. I was stopped at a light today and was forced to listen to some asshole totally berating his wife/girlfriend/sister...I don't fucking know, but he was totally screaming at this person, cussing her out in a very frightening and aggressive way, with the windows wide open. My kids were sitting in the car with me listening to this too. I couldn't help myself...I leaned over my window, got the guy's attention, looked him in the eye and said "Hey, guess what? Everyone in a 5-mile radius can hear what an asshole you are!"

sigh

Posted at 11:02 PM • Comments (8) • TrackBack

Hanging Laundry in the Moonlight

September 7, 2003

It's been a busy day, which is why I found myself hanging out my laundry in the moonlight.

I'm tired, but a good kind of tired. The kind that comes from a day of running around doing various productive activities. Right now, the kids are watching little bear, I'm having a little e-mail spat with an e-bay vendor who I thought I might buy a swimming suit from, but who doesn't accept payments from "non-verified addresses" or whatever (whatever that means) and is threatening to report me to e-bay if I don't complete the transaction (which, yeah, really REALLY makes me want to do business with her). I told her that I'm sure she wouldn't want me telling all my plus-sized friends about her horrible customer service. So...we'll see.

At any rate...other than that little foray into unpleasantness, it's been a pleasant day. We hung out and played space ship to the dinosaur age this morning - which is this game where we all hide under the covers and pretend we are in a time machine going back to the age of the dinosaurs, and then the kids explore, and/or pretend to be dinosaurs attacking each other and me. That was fun. Then I did some cleaning while Monk played his new favorite computer game, Civilization (which, I'm happy to say, is much less combat-centric than age of empires).

After that, we met up with Susan and her sister at the park with the kids and the new dog. We left Twyla at home because she can be unpredictable around other dogs, and we were going leash free...i just didn't feel like I could handle two kids and two dogs. Perhaps next time I'll bring another grown up with me or something and bring the whole gang. It was fun to hang out with Susan and Karen and...um...was if Favio? They were neat, and they even humored Monk by spending a significant amount of time overturning rocks to look at bugs. I was so glad to see monk finally get interested in bugs. It's such a standard little kid thing to do, and he's never done it, so it was thrilling to have an interested audience to participate in that.

Anyway, it was fun, but it's still way. too. fucking. hot here in Texas. So we sucked down our water supply before we could even get to the playground and had to turn and go home. Cole fell asleep on my lap and I got to catch Moyers, which totally kicked ass. Tish was right. Moyers gives me such hope. It just exists week by week, quietly peeling away the facade and the bullshit that we are fed day after day after day. Today's episode was significantly anti-capitalist. It was basically about how the capitalist system eats women and uses their blood and bones to fuel the machine. It was a tremendous episode, and if you are not in the habit of watching moyers every week, you really really should be. I might write more about it later, or add more to this post. There was an excellent point made by someone who said something to the effect of "poverty doesn't just happen, poverty is created by the system, just as wealth is generated through the system." It made my ears perk up, particularly since I had a conversation with a client about this yesterday...about how pretty much all of those "poor people" we scoff at aren't any more deserving of poverty than any of you are. And about how it's becoming more and more common for people who were rather well off 5 years ago to be flirting with poverty now, particularly as they try to maintain the lifestyle they lived when they had money. I am one of these people, with a somewhat (what was once) nice house that I USED to be able to afford, and am now struggling to maintain because I don't think I can sell it for what it's worth in the state it's in (well, that and I have an emotional attachment to the house AND it has good potential for sharing if that becomes necessary - but I have a new great scheme that might help me avoid that.)

After Moyers, we moseyed on over to the UU church and had us a time there for a bit, then we picked up some supplies at the store, and dropped by work to get the phone that I left there on Friday and came home to eat dinner.

Now, as I said, the kids are watching videos, but in a minute we'll be heading for the library to return our books. I'm missing one. Damnit. And Phantom Tollbooth will have to be overdue because we only have a couple of chapters until we're done. But I need to find that damn earthquake book. Blast! I hate the library book hunt. At least I'll be returning the rest, though. I think the fine on kids' books is like 5 cents a day or something ridiculous like that.

After that, it'll be story time and bedtime for coley, and I might play a game with Monk and send him off to bed. Tomorrow morning is our little co-op park day, Tuesday is thomas the tank engine story time at the library, and playgroup at k8's, Wednesday is co-op, Thursday is...another homeschool park day, and Friday night I have a date with my big guy. We'll probably hang out at a coffee shop together and read. Maybe we'll hit the library first.

It'll be a busy week, but that's a good thing. And thanks to another generous donation by another kind benefactor, I'm good for about 5 weeks or so of therapy. woo hoo! My troubles are few tonight. I should be able to take a nice, relaxing lavendar bath with candles after the kids go to bed. And I deserve that, damnit.

Posted at 9:33 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

More homeschool news

September 7, 2003

OK, this is an editorial, but I love the way she talks about socialization in adult life compared to school.

I love that a 13 year old homeschool kid is now going to public school and writing about his experiences. What a cool learning adventure, and how potentially eye-opening for people who read his column.

BTW - While I'm on the subject of homeschooling. The fabulous Michelle is currently at work redesigning the Radical Homeschool Blog. When it's done, it should have a main blog and a sidebar for short links to articles like this one (much like the "flux" sidebar on randomWalks) I'm thinking we should have a photobox, as well - where we can post pictures of our kids in action. But, anyway, she's taking care of it in exchange for one gift from her wishlist...so if any of you radical homeschoolers or people who enjoy reading about radical homeschoolers would like to contribute to the "Get Michelle a really nice gift" fund, please feel free to paypal me and indicate in the notes that's what you want your money to go for. Or go ahead and get a gift for her. I'm sure she will come up with something wonderful. She recently redesigned Jason's blog and Aaron's blog...and her designs on her blog have always been fabulous.

She's hanging out the blog body shop shingle, so anyone who wants a really cool design should definitely ask her. The price is definitely right (and sliding scale!). Yay, Michelle!

Posted at 8:51 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Kind benefactor

September 7, 2003

I never know the ethics of accepting and appreciating donations, but I feel like I should publically thank a kind benefactor for his way generous donation that took me by complete surprise this morning. You rock.

The thought occurred to me, however, that the size of the donation might be inversely related to one's perception of my level of sanity. The thought of this makes me laugh nervously whenever anyone donates.

I would promise I will try to appear more sane the more donations I receive. But, then...what fun is that?

Posted at 8:18 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Life Learning Magazine

September 6, 2003

This definitely looks like an interesting read. I'm adding it to my wishlist.

Posted at 7:46 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Wow! Using Legos to teach basic algebra concepts

September 6, 2003

This is a really cool site. Check it out!

Posted at 4:41 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

I agree with Andrea the Agitator

September 6, 2003

This Huffington campaign video is really cute.

Posted at 4:33 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Another article about homeschooling

September 6, 2003

I like how this one discusses the history a little bit, and specifies that homeschooling began as a counter-cultural lifestyle choice and was adopted by religious right-wing people.

I'm still completely freaked out and pissed about this little statistic:

A 2001 study by the U.S. Department of Education found that minority children educated at home fared better on reading and math scores than their counterparts in public schools.

Not because I doubt the abilities of parents who school children at home, but that it's so obvious to me that a system which produces inferior results like this should be actively re-evaluated and torn down if necessary to build one that works for all participants.

Posted at 3:57 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Denial

September 5, 2003

So, I'm sitting in the dollar cinema, enjoying Charlie's Angels 2, and it hits me. I'm fucking broke. I'm SO broke. I'm totally fucking absolutely broke. Like, as in, I'm wondering if I can skip on paying the power bill this month to make up for it broke - even though my mom just sent me a significant amount of money.

I've kind of been walking around in a haze of denial for a couple of weeks now, getting supplies for the kids, and picking up random items at the thrift store...going out to eat (albeit at cheap restaurants)...stuff like that. Little things that add up. I've been able to get those little things for the past few years, because I have been slowly draining my retirement account "in the interim" while L was "looking for decent work" and I've been in total denial about the fact that he might NEVER get decent work. The retirement money is now gone. I need to fucking wake up and get real.

Tonight, when I went to take my swim, the zipper on my swimsuit broke, and left me kind of hanging out. Thankfully I was under water when it happened, but it was still somewhat embarrassing. I got out of the pool, got a raincheck, and went off in search of a new suit (I've had this one for several years, and I don't think there's any hope for that zipper).

There are some things that I will only buy new. A swimsuit is one of those things. Underwear is another. Pajamas...I'll accept hand-me-downs from friends and relatives, but yeah, pretty much gotta be new. This is why I found myself in the checkout line at Target with what ended up being 70 dollars worth of merchandise.

The kids need pajamas, right?

This isn't really like me, and it's been happening more and more lately. I think I'm celebrating my freedom in a somewhat destructive manner.

At any rate, it didn't hit me that I had done this until I was sitting in the movie theater. Now, the movie was an expense within my means. Two bux. Yeah, I think I can afford that. But SEVENTY bucks for kids' pajamas and a swimsuit? Um, no. the kids can sleep in their undies or sweatpants. WTF? They don't even LIKE pajamas.

So, tomorrow the Target merchandise goes back, and I'm going on a strict budget. No more eating out. Lots more yummy fruits and veggies coming with me to work. Yes, I can take myself out for coffee once a week. No, I can't visit amazon.com, even if I AM only looking at used stuff. And all of the supplies I have been ordering for the kids will be split between autumn and winter - plus I still have some stuff that I got for the road trip and never used.

Oh, and I'm begging for money here. Because I just did my budget, and I have absolutely no money for therapy. I mean, I would if I spent no money whatsoever on myself during the month, but I'm not sure if that's good for my state of mental health, either. So anyone who has extra, please consider contributing to my mental health fund. And please please please send out whatever "L getting a job and coughing up some money to help financially support his children" vibes you might be in possession of, as well.

I'm going to see about getting some babysitting jobs going...or maybe working towards getting that back room cleaned out (cough cough) so I can rent it out. An extra 300-500 bux a month would give me a significant amount of breathing room that I truly, desperately need right now. Even if it means sharing my space to get it. It's just going to be a huge pain in the ass to get the room into rentable condition (and I should mention that the agreement with the former occupant of that room stated very clearly that it was to already be in rentable condition by now.)

Sigh.

But I did have a nice night out by myself, and THAT doesn't have to change. There are tons of things I do that are free or cheap, so it's not like I'm taking a hit. It's just that I need to be more careful about going out to eat, or getting frivolous things for the kids, or taking those long vacations...or basically doing anything outside of the standard stuff that I need to do on a day to day basis. Which is NOT as bad as it sounds. I have plenty. And there is plenty more that I can do within my budget.

And I'll start doing it as soon as I kill this fucking lone fly that keeps buzzing around my head.

Posted at 11:05 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Help Wanted

September 5, 2003

is there anyone out there who knows PHP well enough to help me work on the full bleed portal? I'd be your best friend for life.

Also, while I'm asking for help - anyone know of good reference sites for household maintenance and repair? I need to dosome serious foundation patching, and I haven't found anything on my cursory google searches.

And, while I'm talking about household maintenance, does anyone follow a household maintenance schedule that they can pass on to me? I'm trying to make a budget as well as a cleaning and maintenance plan, and I want to make sure I don't leave anything out.

OK, that's it.

Posted at 3:15 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Not Feeling Sorry for Myself.

September 5, 2003

I'm considering removing the previous post - I tried to remove it earlier, but I did not rebuild, so it was still accessible, and then I decided to leave it there, as a sort of reminder to myself.

I feel the need to clarify that L did have a paying job to do and that is the reason he switched the hours.

I'm having a very difficult time figuring out how much I need to compromise to be fair, and I think the biggest difficulty is that it's never presented as an option. Like, I wasn't ASKED if we could switch the hours...I was TOLD that the hours were to be switched. That, to me, is total bullshit, and it is precisely that kind of thing which makes our relationship so...difficult.

This is probably more than I feel comfortable sharing in my public space, so I might yank this post, as well. I feel pretty vulnerable leaving stuff up that he might read, so I try not to go into too much detail. At the same time, more and more I feel the urge to just post point-by-point how fucked up things get here. I probably won't, but I feel tempted.

At any rate, I'm going ahead with my plans to go for a swim and take myself out on a cheap date. I'm just going to do it in the evening instead of during the day. My kids are being wonderful, and I'm getting some cleaning done around the house. I discovered that the desktop computer is NOT broken (but I am going to have to get a new cd burner eventually) and Monk is playing Contraptions, which is this really cool game in which you build all sorts of Rube Goldberg-esque machines.

Coley's Kiki CD arrived yesterday. I am so tempted to pop it in and play it for him. He's going to be so thrilled. I just realized that it's all in...Japanese, I think...and I'm not sure if the songs are Japanese versions, or if they are in English.

It occurred to me this morning that my writing has actually gotten worse over the last year or so. I read old posts, and I seemed much more focused. I also seemed more able to write longer posts about external politics, as opposed to internal ones. Not that one is better or worse than the other, but I'm kind of wondering why I don't seem to be have the energy to write those long, outwardly reflective posts these days.

Um, DUH.

hahahah. I think my therapist is right. I need to go easy on myself. It's like I just gave birth, and I'm wanting to get up and run a fucking marathon. No, wait...it's more like I'm in the middle of giving birth, and I'm wanting to get up and run a fucking marathon. Yeah, that's what it's like.

Things I am working on right now: Figuring out a budget that doesn't involve negative numbers (and considering the horrendous, but very real possibility that I might be forced to sell the house), arranging things around the house to prepare for fall, creating house cleaning rhythms and routines that don't swallow my entire day whole, training the boys to clean up after themselves and help me clean up (Monk is doing such a kick ass job of being a helper. I'm so very proud of my little guy. Today I was getting ready to throw some laundry into the washing machine, and he said "Can I help, mom?" Bless. His. Heart. He not only dragged the hamper in, but he also put all of the clothes into the machine for me.), working on solutions to the midday refrigerator raid (I finally figured out that if I keep a bunch of cut up veggies on hand, and put a plateful out around lunchtime, the kids will snack happily on healthy things until their lunches are ready. So I now have a tupperware container full of celery and carrot sticks and red pepper rings.), snacking on pepper rings and pistachios - getting ready to cook up some tvp tacos, and smelling a glorious mixture of champa incense and lavender essential oil.

So, I'm basically OK. I'm not sitting around moping over my lost alone time. Hey, Susan? You wanna join my for dinner and a movie? Are you reading this? Let me know.

Posted at 1:30 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Stuck at Home

September 5, 2003

Well, all of my grandiose plans of yesterday have been postponed because someone (who I am desperately trying not to call Mr. Whistle Ass) has decided to change the schedule in midstream.

Of course *I'M* the selfish, inflexible one. Remember that, folks. It's all about me.

Posted at 10:21 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

The Good News Is...

September 4, 2003

my therapist is not overcharging me.

The bad news is that I seem to have several thousand issues to overcome. Of course, the really good news is that I'm still impressed with the rapport I have with this particular therapist. I feel comfortable with her. And I like that she asks me questions and utilizes different methods to get results. I even have homework.

The gist of today's session was that I need to slowly build up (as she said, "pebble by pebble") my boundaries. That the situation I've been living in for the past long while has significantly eroded my ability to trust my instincts and that I'm easily confused by...stuff. I don't want to get too specific, as just any old one can read this site, and I'm guessing some of those any old ones are people I really don't want to read it. But she gave me some strategies for coping, and I was able to vent some of my frustrations and I think the most important thing was that she told me that pretty much everything I am feeling right now is textbook stuff for people who have been in my situation.

There's just something comforting about knowing that other people have been as messed up as I am right now. Haha. She gave me an estimate of about 2-3 years before I really have it worked out. But she says that one day I'll be able to look back on all of this and see objectively what I have learned.

For now, there's homework. I can tell you that she told me to give myself a lot of slack, and that I should be forgiving and accepting of myself. I'm planning to get right on that part starting tomorrow. I have a full five hours off from work and kids, and I intend to take myself swimming, and then out to dinner and a movie. OK, it'll be a cheap dinner, and I'm going to the dollar theater...but you and I know I'm worth way more than that, right?

After the dinner, I intend to pick up some frou frou bath stuff so I can take a nice, relaxing, candlelit bath after the children are asleep. I did this last night, but tomorrow night, I'm going to melt into the tub for hours. Fuck cleaning the house. Mama's gotta soak.

After that - a full night's sleep is in order, and then after I get off from work on Saturday I'm probably going to spend 4 or 5 hours hanging out in a coffee shop. Maybe I'll install the Sims and play and play and play. Or maybe I'll go swimming again. Who knows. i'm just going to enjoy myself, no matter what I do.

Ahhhh.

Posted at 5:18 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

New Blog Crush!!

September 4, 2003

i totally forgot it's september now, and I forgot to change out my blog crush. This month, I'm crushing on the fabulous and fascinating Confessions of a Shameless Agitator. Go read it, and I dare you to tell me that it's anything short of fabulous and fascinating. Go on! I dare you!

There's plenty of open slots for next month's crush, so e-mail me if you are interested, and tell me why you think you are crushworthy.

And if you have been crushed on and haven't received your crush mix - chances are I either don't have your address or I haven't gotten around to mailing it out. So e-mail me.

Posted at 8:52 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Good fucking GOD it's been an emotionally draining day.

September 4, 2003

I'm going to take a long bath and pretend certain people don't exist. Yes, more than one. If anyone can cast some sort of spell over me that repels unpleasant people, I would greatly appreciate it. I'm tired of bitching about them.

Posted at 12:42 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Empathy

September 3, 2003

I have been talking to my mom a lot more lately than I have in previous years. Hell, prior to a few weeks ago, I hadn't really spoken to my mom at all in almost 2 years, other than to give her brief updates on how the kids are doing and handing the phone over to them.

I have some issues with my mom which, for those of you who are new to these issues, stem from the fact that I was mistreated by family members as a child and, according to my therapist, I was neglected by my mother. Which I had never really thought about, but I suppose is true. OK, I know it's true. When I think about my childhood, I remember clearly being pinned on the floor by my brother, who was torturing me with his whiskers and saliva, and screaming for help from my mother, who was always elsewhere in the house, and who merely would interject feebly "Cut that out" and it was never clear who she was talking to. That, and the fact that I was left alone in the house on weekend nights from the time I was 7 or 8 years old. I never, at the time, considered that to be out of the ordinary...but looking at my son, who is nearing seven, the thought of leaving him alone all night in my house would never even begin to occur to me.

So, yeah. I have some issues with my mother.

However, in talking with my mom over the past couple of weeks, I've grown to realize that my mother is wrestling with her own set of issues...from who knows where. Yes, she made some bad choices as a mom. Yes, she ignored and neglected some significant events in my life that she should have helped me resolve as they happened. The fact that she had problems does not make her mistakes any more acceptable, but it does frame her mistakes in a way that makes them at least understandable.

It really hit me the other night. We were talking, again, about my issues with L. My mom has been a most excellent listener throughout the process of separation. And she has much sage advice. She is a wise woman. Anyway, we were talking about L, and we got on the subject of my own father, who is pretty creepy in his own right. I could safely and accurately say that my father is probably much much creepier than L could ever hope to be, although they do share a lot of common behaviors.

My mom was telling me about her marriage with my father. I think I was lamenting the fact that I felt like a dupe for ever having fallen for L. Like I somehow should have known that he was wrong for me. I think I was feeling like I had failed for having not foreseen the ways in which our relationship would fail, and I asked her if she ever felt ashamed about how my father had (mis)treated her.

Yes, she had. But she explained that the advertisement was much different than the product. She said my father literally changed the day they were married. Among other atrocities, the earliest indication that all was not well happened on the airplane on their way to the honeymoon, my father turned to her and said "If you gain 20 pounds and get fat, I'm leaving you." I recall, too, my mom telling me that when she was pregnant with me, she went to visit my dad who was out of town on business. She found a babysitter for her SIX children so she could drive up to have dinner in the restaurant at which my father was staying. After the waitress took their order, my father turned to my mother and said "I gotta hand it to her" (referring to the waitress) "She acts like we've never even met."

Anyway, yeah. My dad's a class A jerk. But I was still shocked when, during the course of my conversation with my mom, she basically said that she was unable to recover her ability to trust people after breaking up with my dad. The reason she never got married again, was because she IS STILL unable to trust people.

My mom is suffering some pretty severe emotional trauma to this day. And must have been incredibly traumatized through much of my childhood. For the uninitiated here, my mom had been married once before she married my father. She had three children with that man, got divorced, and married my dad, who had three children (whose mother had died). They had me, and were divorced by the time I was three. The remarkable thing about my mother is that she raised all seven of us without any support (financially, emotionally, or otherwise) from either of the two fathers. They just left. My father just left HIS children from a previous marriage with her. Granted, she had adopted him, but I'm certain she didn't anticipate that she would be raising them as a single parent with no financial support when she did so.

The whole thing makes me want to cry. In spite of the fact that she made significant mistakes in parenting me, my mother did a pretty amazing thing. She's a strong woman who faced what must have seemed like insurmountable obstacles. When we had the discussion about how she could help me out financially, she told me that when she was breaking up with her husband, her father died...and she felt like her whole world was crumbling, and she had no support system at all.

She's doing her best to support me now. I think she always has done her best. I think perhaps her "best" was not always THE best, but it was the best she could do. If that makes any sense. I think I'm really ready to forgive her.

One thing I realized as I drove home from my last session with my therapist is that I don't necessarily have to confront her with my issues to heal from them. I think that was the major stumbling block in rebuilding my relationship with my mom - the fear of confrontation, and the fear of losing her because I had to "work things out" with her by first confronting her with all of those mistakes. I realized, all on my own, that I don't have to confront her with anyone. What I really need is for someone to say "That's fucked up...it shouldn't have happened that way." and that someone does NOT have to be my mom. My mom would never say that anyway, so if I were to wait for her to say it, I would NEVER be able to heal, AND I would lose my mom and possibly the rest of my family in the process, if I haven't already. So, that was a huge thing for me.

While I'm on the subject, I don't understand how a man could just up and leave his family. Anyone who does so is cowardly, weak, and deserves...Well, I don't know what they deserve, because I can't think of anything that could be worse than being deprived of a relationship with my children...and if someone would CHOOSE that deprivation, I really can't figure out what kind of punishment would be meaningful in that person's reality. I think the only thing worse than ACTUALLY leaving one's children is THREATENING to do so to get the other parent to comply with your wishes (and then, worse, blaming the other parent for your departure). So if any of you parental units out there are considering doing this, you can just imagine my utmost wrath being brought down upon you.

Posted at 8:23 PM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

New group political blog

September 3, 2003

Remember that "new blog" I mentioned that I am trying to write the article about alternative education for? Ladies and gentlemen, Open Source Politics. It appears to be a pretty cool blog, even though I had to roll my eyes at the "political blog" roll and sigh about the usual (mostly male) suspects contained therein.

But, at this very moment, I don't have time to get started on trying to change the way "politics" is defined. I guess I'm too busy educating my children and buying groceries to put up much of a fight.

Posted at 12:27 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

It's Wish List Time

September 2, 2003

My boss has requested that I submit a wish list for any equipment that I might need over the next year or so. I have a few books about blogging in mind, and a piece of software or two, and I'm definitely requesting (and most likely getting) an annual subscription to typepad so we can host client blogs, and my boss is probably going to get us a dvd burner (which means, thrillingly enough, that I will be able to back up my computer on ONE DISK! woohoo!)(along with, you know, the other compelling things about having a dvd burner...but I won't mention those things).

And now I have to sit and think about what I desire and what I will use over the next year or so, but I'd like to open this up...what techie stuff would you wish for if you were asked to submit a wish list?

(and, not on the work wishlist, but for M's personal computer - we're needing a new CD drive. Any advice on what's good and cheap?)

Posted at 11:13 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Biker mice from mars, bike shopping, and blaster worm

September 2, 2003

I managed to find a trike for C - one with a handle and everything. I spent more on it than I wanted to for a used item, but it looks sturdy, it's pretty much exactly what I wanted, and I was able to buy it from a local used toy store whose owner seemed fairly cool - and while I was there, I managed to snag some second hand brainquests. So, I'm a satisfied consumer of used goods.

I also let the children each choose an action figure from the dollar bin. I was not really paying attention to what they were choosing, as I was trying to be secretive about the board game that I was getting (they had this awesome cooperative games by family pastimes for cheap! I plan to slip this into my secret stash of toys and games to pull out whenever we get bored) Anyway, I was distracted as we left, and I neglected to examine the action figures the kids had chosen. We were halfway home before I realized M had picked this horribly gruesome, actually VERY frightening character from who knows what gory horror film. It seriously looked straight out of Hellraiser.

I am almost embarrassed to say this, because you might think less of me, but I really did not want him to have that toy. It was just...TOO scary.

So, I apologized for having not paid closer attention to what he was choosing, and I told him that if he would give up that toy, I would give him another toy that he would enjoy and that I would feel more comfortable with. I know it seems really picky, particularly when you consider that as a childless adult, I used to collect weirdly horrible toys for children...but I really wished I had been paying enough attention to suggest that he choose something a little less gruesome.

Anyway, miraculously M was amenable to my ridiculousness, and when we came home I dug through my stash of toys and games to pull out whenever we get bored, and I found the Biker Mice From Mars that my sister had sent. I grabbed a few of the action figures and the video and set them down in front of it for a little while so I could look for deals on used kids' bikes (I have had no luck whatsoever finding a used bike for M, by the way. I'm DETERMINED to buy a used one, but it seems like the only used bikes out there are high-end 100 dollar bikes, and I would rather buy a used version of like a 60 dollar schwinn or something). The Biker Mice sufficed (ar ar) and M was fairly satisfied with our deal. Which is to say, he didn't whine much about my horrible parenting manouver and he busied himself with creating battles between his Mice and the Evil Scientist character.

I had no idea that action figures could be such life savers. My friend K8's kids have tons of them, and I had never even considered getting them for my kids. But now I know you can get them for a buck apiece at Ana's Toy Depot, I might just stock up next time I'm in that neighborhood.

So the Mice kept the kids occupied until I got to work, and since I got to work I have been dealing with a blaster worm catastrophe and haven't had a single moment to think about any of the homeschooling stuff I had thought I would be thinking about tonight. We're all busy installing service packs and updating virus databases and stuff. It's a drag. It's such a drag that this is about all I have to offer right now, but I just really wanted everyone to know that the Biker Mice from Mars saved the day.

Posted at 8:39 PM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

Why I homeschool, Part 2

September 2, 2003

My desire to continue this has fizzled a bit, and I've kind of lost the flow, but I'm going to attempt to list some more reasons why I homeschool, and then me and the children are going shopping for a tricycle and a bike wrench, and maybe doing a bit of thrift scoring along the way. Woo hoo!

Why I Homeschool, Cont.

A couple of years into my research on homeschooling, I happened upon an old anarchist friend of mine, and told him my plans for M's education. He was aghast! "It's parents like you - parents who CARE - who are the public school system's only hope!"

I didn't get it. Now that I had turned the corner and been exposed to all of the reasons that homeschooling was best for my child, I was also realizing that the public school system was fundamentally flawed. Yes, it needed to be fixed. Yes, it was only through a great deal of privilege that I was able to avoid it. But I couldn't figure out why my ANARCHIST friend would not see that working within the system would mean I would be sacrificing my children to a system that I felt was dangerous to their well being.

It is my opinion, and my second-hand experience, that once children have been in the system, they lose their natural drive and desire to learn independently. I can't KEEP my children from learning. I've been "teaching" them (more like witnessing them) their whole lives. Why would I stop now and hand that responsibility over to someone who is not emotionally invested in their well-being. Once they are handed over, they encounter a system that sometimes makes learning unpleasant, and yet punishes them for avoiding the unpleasantness.

I want my children to learn to avoid unpleasantness at all costs, unless there is some higher benefit to enduring the unpleasantness. Unpleasantness for the sake of following someone else's desire to maintain consistency does not qualify as a high benefit.

At any rate, my anarchist friend was persistent in his insistence that I consider the fact that not all children are able to homeschool, and therefore it is in our best interest to improve the conditions of public schools so everyone can benefit from a decent education. While he didn't convince me that I sholud not homeschool my children, he did force me to consider the larger picture in terms of my responsibility towards children whose parents are unable or unwilling to provide an alternative to public schools.

My answer to this question has been that I will first concentrate on ensuring that my children are educated in an unrestricted environment, and when they are older, and I have more free time, I can concentrate on lobbying for change in the public school system OR providing homeschool opportunities, through child care or learning cooperatives, for people who are currently unable to homeschool.

In the process of working through this conundrum (and I have yet to completely figure out the answer to how to provide all children with a safe and effective educational model) it became quite clear to me that the system can't be reformed...that it needs to be revolutionized. And that the educational system can't really be revolutionized without...well, without revolution. The educational system is flawed because the system in general is flawed.

For example, standardized tests exist because we live in a capitalist system which worships quantity over quality. Quality is difficult to measure objectively, so we have placed all our trust in the measurability of quantity. But is quantity any less subjective? It would appear not, if you look at the statistics you will find that "We could save the state a lot of money if we abandoned the testing program and simply used parental income and level of education as indicators (instead of predictors) of academic achievement."

I do not wish for my children to be quantified in this way. I don't want them to be told that their test scores indicate that they are somehow deficient. What I want is to provide them the opportunity to unfold and discover their own interests and strengths. To enable them to define their own goals, and help them overcome any challenges that stand in their way of obtaining their goals. This is something that, as a parent of a public school student, I would probably have to do anyway. The difference is, with my child with me, we are better able to seek out individuals who will be inspirational and instrumental to his growth. We don't have to play roulette with his exposure to adults who may have long since stopped caring about the individual needs of the students in his or her charge.

Because I'm running out of time and energy to continue this right now, I'm going to list a few other reasons why I homeschool quickly...and perhaps I will talk more about them later. Feel free to talk amongst yrselves. I will also try to list resources later this evening, when I have more time.

I enjoy traveling, and homeschooling allows me the flexibility of choosing my own timeline for when we would like to take trips and how long we would like to be gone. It's apparent to me that traveling, particularly traveling by car, really has helped give M a better grasp of the vastness of our country, and the world.
Learning in a classroom, no matter how excellent the teacher, is nowhere near as effective as learning in the real world. There are concepts of math that M understands that I don't EVER remember understanding until I was much much older. He understands fractions because we use them to cook and divide goodies. He understands multiplication because he encounters the need for it on a daily basis. Math isn't a bunch of numbers on a chalkboard to him. He has a visual understanding of why it's important and how to apply it.
Museums and parks are less crowded and more fun during regular school hours.
The community of homeschoolers I am involved in (and I would think anyone who homeschools in anything but the most rural areas would have access to this type of community, even though I know MINE is the best) is made up of a number of caring individuals who are all invested in the well-being of the children. When the children are on the playground, 80-90% of their parents are there, as well...which means we are able to observe and correct misbehavior and mediate arguments as needed in a respectful and gentle manner. I do not think it's possible for public school teachers to provide this same kind of care, and I strongly believe that the most important lessons my children need to learn ALL relate to getting along with others, being fair, and having the ability to respectfully work out whatever disagreements arise. Any book knowledge or wisdom my child has or earns would be totally wasted if he's incapable of getting along with other people.

Oh, I'm sure there are about a zillion more reasons, but I have to stop for now and care for my children, as well as myself. I just realized I haven't had breakfast OR coffee. I hope everyone has a good day.

Posted at 10:15 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Why I homeschool

September 1, 2003

Tonio has been offering up many of the usual arguments against homeschooling, bless his heart, and I have been feverishly and passionately responding in turn. He suggested that perhaps it would be a good reason to list the reasons why homeschooling is the best choice for my family and I figure I might as well oblige him, as I've been giving him a workout. I would like to preface this by saying that homeschooling is one of those subjects that I am VERY passionate about. I think homeschooling is the right decision for my family and for many families. However, it is not a deal breaker for me if someone disagrees that homeschooling is the best choice for their family. You might get an impassioned response from me if you claim that, but you won't necessarily piss me off.

You WILL piss me off if you claim that homeschooling is not the right choice for my family, because that's really none of your damn business...just as your educational choice for your own family is none of MY damn business. I'm just here to provide whatever information about it that you desire to hear or listen to. I'll post links for further information at the end of this post.

And now...an attempt to encapsulate all of the reasons why I homeschool:

Why I homeschool my children
By Drucilla B. Blood

Five years ago, I was sitting in my kitchen with a friend of mine from Alaska. She was mother of a bright 4 year old, and a beautiful 7 month old baby. I had a nearly 2 year old boy. We were talking about motherhood and choices and somehow we stumbled into the topic of education. My friend mentioned that she wanted to homeschool her children.

"You want to do WHAT?" I asked, incredulous.

"I want to homeschool," she responded, evidently accustomed to the kind of base incredulity I had exhibited.

"Why on earth would you want to do that?" I said. "I thought homeschooling was only for religious fanatics."

She looked me in the eye, this radical friend who I had grown to admire and respect in our thus-far brief relationship, and said, simply "I am a religious fanatic."

I said no more. It sunk in fast. In this day and age where education means learning to take the hard knocks of the world sitting down (preferably behind a desk) and learning to stand in line and take orders, I supposed I was also a religious fanatic. I started to do some research.

I have to admit that my initial foray into the world of homeschooling information netted me a lot of contact with what I most feared about the homeschooling community. There were many restrictive, religiously zealoutous (yes, i know that's not a word, but it's better than zealourific) parents out there whose main aim was to shield their children FROM the world rather than teach them about it by immersing them in it. Thankfully, I had been pointed in the direction of A.S. Neil long ago by an ex-school teacher turned unschooling friend of mine when I threatened to become a school teacher early in my adult life, and I remembered well the tenets of the Summerhill school (freedom, not license). This was to be my benchmark for discovering new educational theorists. Did they reference Neil? Did they understand the importance of children living lives that were free from rules, but filled with moral and civic responsibility?

My 2 year old did not seem to care one way or the other. He was happy just playing. He learned to count to ten when he was 18 months old. We were hiking around the neighborhood, and he was in the backpack commanding me to "count to ten" "again, mama!" "again, mama!" "again, mama!"

And so, my three earliest ideas about homeschooling were these:

I'm a radical anarchist (although this realization came much later), anti-consumerist, vegetarian freak, and very few public schools would really help endorse what I was already teaching my son about the world. In fact, most would probably counteract anything I would say.
Children learn best in an unrestricted environment where they are able to choose their interests and follow them without arbitrary limits being placed on them
My son knew exactly what he wanted, and exactly how to get it from me.

That's a pretty good starting point, I think, down the path of homeschooling. From that point, I discovered many more reasons why homeschooling was the right choice for my family. Most of these reasons were discovered on the playground of the public school across the street:

Public school teachers, at least the vast majority that I have encountered, are either unwilling or unable to maintain order in a class of 30 plus students. They don't appear to be interested in mediating arguments or aiding the children in their struggles with one another.
The public school system (at least the one in my city) segregates children by age, race, and mastery of the english language. In my opinion, it is much better for my children to never ever encounter a homeschooler of color (which most likely won't happen) than to learn through the system that people of color are inferior and unworthy of attending class with the rest of the school. The elementary school across the street from my house segregates out spanish speaking children and african-american foster children from the main student population. I think that sucks, and I think it sends an absolutely unacceptable message to the rest of the student body, particularly at an age at which the children are forming their ideas about who their peers are.
Public school students seem to learn quickly who the "weak" ones are, and take full advantage of them. They are also adept at hiding their cruelty from the only minorly engaged teachers on the playground. I don't know how many incidents of aggression I observed among school children that I would have totally interrupted as a parent, but which the teachers turned their back on.

When my son was a newborn, my husband and I decided that we did not wish to send him to daycare. We had created this life, and we were to be the ones who would raise him. As much as I understand the need of some parents to send their children to daycare, the idea of my son spending the majority of most of his days in the care of another person was always way out of my realm of acceptability. I am thankful that we were able to organize our lives so one of us could be with him at all times, and we did not need to use daycare, but as he grew (so, so quickly) I came to realize that sending him to school was no different than sending him to daycare in terms of the number of hours he would be away from us. That idea, combined with those above as well as the knowledge that I was capable of teaching him or finding someone to teach him everything he would need to learn, really made any solution other than homeschooling a non-solution.

Since making the decision, I have strengthened my position with many other revelations. For one thing, there is so much corporate influence on curriculum that it's difficult to know whose facts are being imparted to students. In addition, schools in Texas are just awful, and starting in the second grade, students are already expected to take TAKS tests which have proven to cause a great deal of stress on the children as well as forcing teachers to spend much of their classtime teaching to the standardized test. This is unacceptable to me.

Another reason that reared its cynical little head shortly after 9/11 as a sort of "we're doomed" philosophy and morphed more into a "have a good time all the time" philosophy. Basically, I started thinking that our time was limited (in a very literal sense) so why waste it within the confines of an institution. Of course, now that my irrational fear of the end of the world has abated, the idea remains. Our time really IS limited - in a very real sense, as our lives are finite. We might as well have fun, particularly duting the time in our life when we are most able to appreciate that fun. I can't tell you how many times this idea has been reaffirmed by M, who is constantly telling me how much fun he is having, and how much he enjoys his life. Perhaps you remember saying this kind of thing to your parents. I did not. I don't ever remember consciously thinking about life as a fun event to be celebrated. And I was not an extraordinarily unhappy child, either.

Another advantage of homeschooling is that you can truly taylor your environment to your individual child or children. My oldest son is somewhat developmentally delayed when it comes to fine motor skills. He is not interested in writing, but he can read like no one's business. I feel that it would be a huge mistake to force him to "get over" his aversion to writing, simply so he could "keep up with the class." I feel it would rob him of the confidence he rightfully has due to his above-average abilities in other areas, and would be counter-productive.

(to be continued...I have to go catch my bus!)

Posted at 9:00 PM • Comments (10) • TrackBack

An answer to the question of diversity among homeschoolers

September 1, 2003

I'm not saying that this means the homeschooling community is by any means currently diverse, but articles like this (snatched from negrophile) are encouraging.

"One of the problems the black home school community is up against is there is still a lot of real negative feedback in the black community," Carper said. "The public school system was supposed to be their salvation, but it has not been."
Prince said breaking long-standing traditions in the black community can be difficult.

"Really, in the African-American community, it's not a very popular thing," said Cynthia Prince, who teaches her children in her Columbia home. "We are usually in the work force. Historically, we have taken care of other people's children and husbands."

Prince is part of a movement in the black community that has women bucking the trend and becoming stay-at-home moms, with many of them also choosing to homeschool.

Here is a link to the National African-American Homeschoolers Alliance. Through that site, I found a link to Minority Homeschoolers of Texas. I liked this FAQ, although it only reiterated the myth that low income families are by default unable to homeschool. I think this is going to be the most difficult myth to debunk, and I might have to debunk it in a more theoretical than anecdotal way, although I do know parents who homeschool on what I assume is a pretty low income - I've never really come right out and asked them how much money they make. Wait...why don't I google it!

Whoah...here's an interesting statistic:

One of the attractions to homeschooling has been research that suggests homeschooled students outperform their public school peers. In a survey of test scores conducted by the National Center for Home Education, homeschool students outperformed public school students by an average of 30 to 37 percentile points in math and reading. The survey also noted that the income and education level of homeschool parents did not effect the success of their children. While there was a direct correlation between public school children's' scores with parents education and income (students with well educated and wealthier parents achieved higher scores than children of poorly educated, low-income parents), homeschool students performed equally well no matter whether their parents were well educated or not, high income or low income. For example, homeschoolers from $100,000+ income families average a 92 percentile in national standardized tests, while homeschoolers from families making less than $15,000 a year scored at the 87th percentile, much higher than their public school counterparts.

So basically low-income families who are unable to homeschool are screwed in the school system moreso anyway. So it would behoove us as a society to make homeschooling a viable option for everyone. It's for this reason that everyone, whether they choose to homeschool or not, whether they have children or not, should be aware of the reasons homeschooling is important, and the validity of the choice. Because, really, justice can only be achieved through choice. It's crucial that the people who are most abused by the system have the choice to opt out of the system. Anyone who cares about social justice, should care about educational choice.

Posted at 6:58 PM • Comments (10) • TrackBack

No words, just pictures

September 1, 2003

(I did write a post about these images, but I accidentally erased it, and then I figured that the images themselves are their own best statement - with links to the corresponding articles, of course.)

Posted at 5:47 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

He is SO adorable!

September 1, 2003

M just walked into his room, where Bailey is resting, and had this conversation with the dog: "Bailey? Wanna watch TV? Clifford's on. It's about a dog. There's a beagle in it!"

Posted at 10:32 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Homeschooling 101

September 1, 2003

I'm supposed to be writing articles about homeschooling and alternative education for a new webzine/weblog that either has just been rolled out or will soon be rolled out (I don't even know the URL yet! I wasn't going to participate, because it was just too much for me (and because one of the editors asked me to not use my pseudonym because it wasn't "professional" enough, and that kind of pissed me off) but another one of the editors appealed to my adversarial nature and mentioned that the only other people who will be writing about education are public school teachers and administrators.)

I'm thinking I should start by writing some sort of basic introduction to homeschooling to shatter the myths that exist and to present homeschooling as a radical alternative rather than a religious one. And this is where you, dear reader, come in. Give me some of your homeschooling delusions. Things that might keep you from homeschooling your children. Things that DO keep you from homeschooling your children. Things that other people tell you is bad about homeschooling.

You know you don't have anything more productive to do on Labor Day than to help me write this article. And if you DO have something more productive to do, chill out, dude...it's a freaking HOLIDAY.

Posted at 10:08 AM • Comments (11) • TrackBack

"I Miss Papa!"

September 1, 2003

So C has decided that he misses papa, and he has all sorts of reasons for why papa is not here. Last night, he was talking about how he doesn't want papa to go to work anymore, and this morning, he got up while I was still asleep, discovered papa wasn't in his usual papa place, and started crying "I miss papa!!!!"

He concluded that papa must be at the toy store...or maybe he's at the library. Either way, he is missed. And M came in and declared that he misses papa, too, and that maybe we should tear down our house and build two houses so "papa can have one, and we can live in the other one."

It's so hard to explain why papa is gone without sounding selfish. It's not like I can tell them ALL of the specific reasons, because then I'd be bad mouthing their dad, and I don't want to do that. So I'm just kind of saying "mama and papa had a hard time living together without arguing, so papa has his own apartment now, but maybe he'll move closer so you can visit with him more often." Then I added, quite feebly, "At least now you don't have to hear mom and dad argue all the time." This sounds so...dumb. Like I'm blaming them for us breaking up, you know? Like we split up because we don't want them to hear us argue. I don't think I'm going to say it anymore. Sure, I can't go into detail about how I felt mistreated by L, but I also don't want to be TOO general in a specific way. So I'm going to stick to "Papa and I are no longer happy living together, so we're living apart now." and "We're just figuring out ways to try to make everyong as comfortable and happy as possible."

Sunday is the one day of the week that they don't get to see L. I don't feel like there should be any days of the week like this. For awhile, it was because of my sanity...but I have things that help me break up the day, and they just miss him too much. I might mention to him that they are missing him on Sundays especially and see if he might want to rearrange the schedule. I'm also looking forward to him getting his own place so they can stay overnight with him sometimes.

It's such a hard transition for everyone. I'm frequently grouchy and rude...M is whiny and C is overly-particular. I'm glad M has a little friend now to talk to. This morning, he came into the bedroom and said "Mom, I can't get Bailey to move off of the bed. Not even to eat or drink." I said, "M...she's sad. She misses Andrew." and M replied "kind of like how I miss papa."

*sigh*

Kinda like that, little guy. Yeah. Kinda like that.

Posted at 9:13 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

For the insatiably voyeuristic

September 1, 2003

Below is my Autumn schedule. I've left out my out-of-house activities for my own personal safety. On the days that we are out of the house, I just skip the lessons during that time.

I swear I'm not going to stick with this to the letter, but it's nice to have a routine, and I think the kids enjoy it, too. This is bare bones. I plan the "lessons" a week or so in advance. I have tons of books with activities in different subjects that I will pull from. I'll list some of my general ideas below the schedule.

General Schedule:
8-9 AM Exercise (yoga, walk, dance)
9-10 AM Breakfast/clean up
10-11 AM Morning Circle/Morning lesson
11 AM-noon Freeplay/clean up/lunch prep
noon-1 PM Lunch/quiet time
1 PM-2 PM Clean up/free play
2 PM - 3 PM Afternoon lesson
///////////
At bedtime, quick cleanup and story time
after C is asleep, I clean M's room up while he writes or draws in his journal

Lesson Schedule
Monday
AM Language Arts
PM Math

Tuesday
AM Science
PM Arts and Crafts

Wednesday
AM Health
PM History and current events

Thursday
AM Language and culture
PM Language arts

Friday
AM Math
PM Science

Saturday
AM Arts and crafts
PM Health

Sunday
AM History and current events
PM Language and culture

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Ideas:

Look for creative cues for children's journaling (collect images, words, and inspiring phrases in a box)
Collect current events about inspiring people (focus on positive news about people helping each other)
Continue doing book reports
Create book worm in hallway (basically a mural of circular sections on which short book synapses are written)
Create timeline for historical events
Collect images from different cultures and create mural in bedroom
Chore chart — 1 chore per hour of computer time, 2 chores per hour of tv time.

If anyone wants the word file that lists this stuff out daily, and the blank daily curriculum plan document, I can e-mail it. They're fairly simple documents. Nothing even remotely fancy. Just tables in Word.

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