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« October 2003 | Main | December 2003 »

Mama Troubles.

November 30, 2003

I'm really struggling with being a mama lately. I feel like every day I wake up and decide that today is the day that I'm going to get my shit together and be the best mama I know how to be, but something always happens and I fuck up, and I can't help but feel like I'm trapped in a weird video game and I keep losing lives, only every time I lose a life it gives my kids permanent damage.

I try to keep it in perspective. It's really fucking hard sometimes to be me. It's hard to be "on" all of the time - impossible, really. But I don't want that to be an excuse for me to make it even harder to be my kid.

Today, we actually woke up well, and everyone was pretty happy. I was pleased with the fact that I stopped Coley before he started playing his computer game and looked him in the eyes and told him that he was going to have to stop playing when the pancakes were done. Usually it's holy Hell trying to get him off of the computer. It seems like if I were to let him, he would sit there all day playing Jumpstart Preschool or whatever...so I eventually just have to turn the thing off and try to comfort his cries as best I can, which can be difficult to do when I'm feeling like I gave him plenty of time and warning before resorting to that drastic action.

Anyway, the looking in the eyes and giving a concrete event as a time limit really seemed to work. When the pancakes were done, Coley stopped playing immediately...and sat down to eat

We all enjoyed a nice breakfast together, and then it was time for morning circle. I had a bunch of different books spread out, and basically we were going to read together for an hour. Coley is welcome to stay with us and read, or he can choose to play by himself quietly in the room or in any other room of the house. He has crayons and stickers and all of Monk's dragons and cars all to himself if he chooses.

Instead, what has been happening during morning circle is that 15 minutes into it, Coley begins to either talk really loudly until someone responds - at which point he continues to talk and talk and talk and interrupt the story telling. Or he kicks me or hits his brother or, basically, otherwise attempts to hijack our attention for the duration of the hour.

Now, I understand that it's difficult for a kid to sit still for an hour, and I don't expect cole to do that. But I think it's important for Monk to get some quality time, and Monk really enjoys morning circle when I'm not having to stop every three seconds to attempt to gently correct coley.

The gentle correction often disintegrates to impatient correction and then to yelling - particularly on days like today when my patience is thin and when I feel that Coley is being very intentionally manipulative. I tend to believe that children only ask for what they need, but Coley is three, and I feel like he should be able to accept delayed gratification for his needs at this point - particularly since his "needs" are frequently in direct interference with Monk's needs. Coley gets all sorts of lovey time and snuggles and laptime and hugs and kisses from me. That's not the kind of attention Monk wants from me. Monk wants reading and playing and floor attention. He doesn't get that as much as he should, because when I attempt to give it to Monk - Coley interferes. And I believe it's an intentional interference.

It's not that I think Coley is a bad kid or that he hates his brother or whatever, but he very definitely fights for the attention. So, today after yelling and feeling crappy about it...and then yelling again and feeling crappy about it. And then getting so frustrated that I felt like I was losing control and was soon going to be unable to respond at all gently, I picked him up and put him in Monk's room. Coley cried...and I left him there.

What was I supposed to do at this point? I had a three year old who was crying, and a 6 year old who was observing me being very impatient and possibly inappropriately angry with the three-year old. I was so angry and frustrated that I was practically in tears myself. I mean, how much is Monk supposed to sacrifice so his brother can remain an infant who gets all of mama's attention whenever he wants it or cries for it? I felt like I was setting a horrible example for both of them, but I still am not sure what a better answer would be. And of course by this time, it was almost pointless to continue reading. Cole kept running back in, crying...and I would gently tell him that if he wanted to listen to stories, he would have to be quiet and respectful of story time...and if he didn't, that was fine, too - but he was going to have to play by himself for a little while. I don't know how to be fair to both of them in this kind of situation.

I'm also having a problem with Coley refusing to potty train in any way...to the point where if he is running around naked, he will just piss anywhere and that doesn't even stop him - he will splash around and play in the pee unless I immediately catch him and clean it up. It's so freaking aggravating. And it's difficult to keep my head and not get pissy (har) with him when this happens. I just have a feeling that at his age he should kind of know better than to play in his own urine. He's a pretty smart kid, and I know I've talked with him about it before - gently - about a million gazillion times. But he just doesn't seem care.

So, I dunno. These are just a couple of examples of my challenges with Coley that have me stumped. There are more. He frequently spills water all over the floor - or juice - intentionally and with a seeming desire to be impish and usually right when I'm looking directly at him. He also STILL will not respect my body space, and continuously tries to touch and pinch sensitive areas on my body (like my armpits and the flab under my arms) even though I have been asking him not to do this for practically his entire life. Asking, redirecting, I admit I've even slapped his hand when he has taken me by surprise (and it can be surprising to be sitting down somewhere, concentrating on something, and suddenly there's a cold little hand shooting up the sleeve of your shirt.) I don't know if I'm a freak because this bothers me so much or what, but it TRULY really irritates me and he will. not. stop. If it's not his hands on me, it's his feet. He likes to kick me and rub me and touch me with his feet. Any time I am stationary, you can bet he will be there to get his touching in. And I don't mind touching all that much, but this is like CONSTANT rubbing, moving, squirming, wiggling kind of touching and it can literally drive me insane.

I feel like I'm crazy to write this. I love that kid so much. I love that he's so cuddly and lovable. I love that he tells me he loves me all the time. I love that he wants to be near me...but I wish he would respond a little better to the limits I place on his behavior. I feel like the limits I set are important to maintain fairness in the household and sanity for me. I don't feel like I'm way out of control with placing arbitrary limits on his behavior...but I also feel like I'm not getting through to him AT ALL.

Maybe I went though this with Monk, too. I remember my first ever post to hipmama was something along the lines of "I'm certain that my son will end up being a serial killer." Maybe I went through this with Monk but have conveniently forgotten about it (because I probably would have never had another if I would have remembered how hard it is!)...or maybe my stress level or the stress level in the household is rubbing off on the kids, making them more needy and clingy (in which case, am I expected to completely give up on setting limits regarding how often/where/when I want to be touched and rubbed on?) or perhaps I'm more tired and have less patience, so I'm noticing it more.

I wish I was the kind of parent who just didn't mind. Who wasn't bothered by repetitive touch and repetitive sound (both of those things are the things that tend to bring the yelling out of me). I'm certain there is a way that I can have better control over my reaction to it, but how to I control my reaction to it AND get the kids to respect my limits? It seems like they don't respond to my requests until my requests become commands. And then we all feel bad.

The dilemma is that I really, truly believe in parenting respectfully. I want my children to have some say in the rules around here...and I don't want anyone to justify my actions by telling me "Hell, yeah! You're the mama, and they need to do what you tell them to do." But I also feel that I should have some say over how I am treated and touched, and what gets done. I don't feel that parenting respectfully should mean that the kids get to be disrespectful towards me or each other. And sometimes I just don't have the time or energy to think of a redirective way of handling a situation. I'm totally open to hearing some from other parents, though.

Blah. Coley is asleep right now. He fell asleep in my arms and I very gently laid him on a pillow. I think I'm going to go in there and join him for a nap. Perhaps that's all I need. And when I wake up, I SWEAR I'm going to be the best mama I know how to be.

Posted at 2:41 PM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

I trust you all had a splendid Buy Nothing Day

November 29, 2003

I didn't fully participate this year, because I had to find something to do outside the home for 5 hours while L hung out with the kids. I got myself some dinner and had a cup of coffee, which I guess wasn't much, comparitively. Although I know that comparisons are, in fact, odious.

I am once again feeling the need to not post as much. I just don't get the urge like I used to, or the rhythm of my day just doesn't allow for it as much. This will probably change, at the latest, with the change of seasons - at which point I always make an effort to adjust and renew our rhythms. Right now, all of our rhythms are off. We're slacking on circle time, and just kind of making things up as we go along, which involves a lot more television watching than I normally feel is appropriate, but we are also kind of all getting over an allergy/cold/flu thing, so the TV has moved to the bedroom where we can all lounge in comfort and warmth. It's nice. But I'm sure the TV will be taking it's quarterly vacation in the closet pretty soon.

Speaking of vacations, after today, I'm on mine. I'm not going anywhere, which presents its own set of problems - mostly along the lines of "What the fuck am I going to do every night if I can't be at home and I can't go to work." I don't WANT to go in to work, but it's tempting. It's free, for one thing, and there is fast internet access and people to talk to. Hell, I'll probably hang out at the library. I'm trying not to spend too much money on extra stuff because I have a couple of upcoming events that are costly for me...most notably, Monk's SEVENTH birthday party. I've taken the liberty of adding some items to my wishlist if you wish to shower Monk with presents. He deserves to be showered, as he's kind of having a difficult time lately. But we are going to have a fun party for him with cake and decorations and 10 of his closest friends, so I'm hoping that will help bring him back up.

The other upcoming expense is the change of seasons - which is when I usually splurge a bit on curriculum and craft supplies. I already have some stuff, but I still need to do some planning. I think I can avoid overspending if I am careful and if I assess what I have and figure out how to use it in new ways. I have TONS of craft supplies, and I really need to organize my craft closet so it's all visible and organized.

Which means I definitely have a lot of stuff that I'm going to need to freecycle.

So, my goals for this vacation are as follows:

That doesn't sound like too much, does it? Interspersed with all of that will be about eleventy million activities for Monk (including THREE birthday parties, if you count his own, and THREE co-op classes, and one park day. Phew!) I think it will be a good week.

Posted at 9:32 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

While Bush was Vamping it up for the cameras

November 28, 2003

Some family members of troops that have been killed in Iraq are planning a peace mission:

"A mission of peace, that is what we are trying to do," said Suarez del Solar, whose son, Marine Lance Cpl. Jesus Suarez del Solar, was killed in Iraq eight months ago. "The idea is that the people of Iraq understand that we are not their enemies, that we are also suffering in this war."

The group of 10 includes two wives of soldiers based at Fort Bragg, N.C., and four veterans of the Vietnam and Gulf wars, two of whom have children deployed in Iraq. They have raised donations to pay for the trip, and though no special government permission was needed, 25 members of Congress wrote letters of support.

"I have been very confused about what is going on," said Lopercio, whose son, Anthony, is an Army fueling specialist. "You hear lots of conflicting, crossed messages from the administration and the news reports."

Lopercio, 51, said he wants to talk to "average, everyday Iraqis. ... How they feel will ultimately dictate our success or failure there."

May they go in peace and arrive home safely with the answers they seek.

[link courtesy of an anonymous commentor at Eschaton]

Posted at 12:07 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Ladies and Gentlemen

November 26, 2003

Allow me to introduce...

The newest addition to the full bleed crue...

Pansy.

She fucking rocks.

Full bleed is so ruling, man.

Posted at 4:42 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Freecycling Fiend

November 26, 2003

Definitely at the top of the list of things that I am thankful for right now is freecycling. Today I scored some casserole dishes that I really needed because I broke both of mine in the span of about a month, and I was not looking forward to shelling out money for new ones just because I'm clumsy. I'm sure the dog broke one of them, too...but I can't recall clearly enough to blame her.

Although I do blame the dog for the breakage of practically all of the other glass dishes in the house. Anytime a dish is left on the table when no one is in the room - even if only for five minutes - you can bet Miss Twyla will be jumping on the table and dumping the dish on the ground in her frenzy to eat anything that resembles people food.

It is for this reason that I am glad I also picked up a really nice set of dishes. Two place settings only, but a really pretty design that matches with my kitchen. My very own dishes. No one else can use them. I'm so pleased.

I also got to talk for a long time to the woman who is going to be giving me her vacuum cleaner. She is very sweet, but she's ill with pneumonia, so it's been difficult for us to arrange a pick up of the vacuum. We talked for a long time about marriage and divorce and various other things. It was cool. She gave me some good ideas for how to cover the disgusting carpet in that room.

It was a good day, in spite of the fact that coley barfed and monk talked non-stop all day and I'm still not really in a good mama mode with all of the sickness and waking up in the middle of the night to comfort people and stuff. I'm just kind of worn thin. I think Monk really needs to hang out with another kid, but I don't know if he is sick like Coley is, and I don't want to be responsible for someone else's barfy Thanksgiving. I might ask my friend K to pick Monk up tomorrow and take him geocaching without me and coley, though. I'll warn her in advance that he might be carrying a barf virus and leave it up to her. I'm all about letting other people decide whether they want to deal with a potential barf sickness.

Speaking of which, I had this exchange with L today, and I was very proud of myself. I came home a little early from work and thought I might walk the dog before L left. Of course, he was anxious to leave and went outside to smoke a cigarette when I got there, giving me just enough time to watch coley barf all over the couch and the kitchen floor. I was washing him off when L walked in, and I asked him to clean up the mess while I got Coley cleaned off and pajama'd and settled down to bed. L cleaned the couch, but I walked out and there was still a huge puddle of vomit on the kitchen floor. This was the exchange:

Me: There's still some barf on the floor, here are some rags...please clean it up.
L: But, I already cleaned up the couch!
Me (cutting him off): Yeah, and I cleaned up copious amounts of barf last night. Are you going to play tit for tat, or are you going to parent your children?

Gah. I mean, had I not come home from work, what would he have done? Would he have just left the barf on the floor for me to clean up, thinking it was enough to just get coley washed off and taken care of? And what about all of the laundry that was piled in the back room. The barf laundry that I didn't get to during the day.

It's amazing to me how this person's sense of responsibility and accountability is so freaking skewed. How he's ready to leave the MINUTE I get home, whether I am home an hour or two early or not.

At the same time, I was totally surprised in a pleasant way that he has offered to hang out with the kids during the day when I am at my end of year retreat for work. So, I probably should count my blessings. I'm sure if he was reading this, he would say something like "You are never satisfied with what I DO - you are always looking at what I DON'T do." Which might very well be a character flaw of mine, in spite of all of the character flaws that might or might not belong to him.

So, since this post was at least in part supposed to be about things I am thankful for, as I seem to be naturally or artificially inclined to focus on things in that way around this time of year, I will say that I'm thankful for my beautiful children, who I would not have without this man who befuddles and frustrates and angers me. And I am thankful that he will be taking care of them on the day of my retreat. And I will attempt to leave it at that and forget the other as best I can...in the morning...but I reserve the right to bitch about him at varous intervals as necessary.

Now it's 12:30, and it's getting chilly in my house, so I think I will lay down in my bed and snuggle under the covers with my two beautiful boys. And hope that Coley doesn't barf. And hope that everyone is feeling much better tomorrow.

Posted at 12:31 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

This is funny

November 25, 2003

Yooha! News - Speuters Photo

Posted at 12:53 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

All I want.

November 25, 2003

24 Hour Mama asked what we might want for Christmas. I'm assuming this doesn't include the kiddos, because I can't ever seem to get past what I want them to have and get down to what I would want or need. Although that's probably something that would be good for me to do on a more regular basis.

So, here are my lists, broken down into need and desire:

Need:
A nice medium saucepan
A set of glass casserole/storage bowls
Carpeting or at least carpet cleaning for my back room
about a gallon of chalkboard paint
about 1/2 gallon of magnetic paint
about 2 gallons of yellow paint that goes well with the purple paint in the back room
new pillows - esp. a big body pillow
money to hire a lawyer and divorce L
for L to get his own place and a job so he can start supporting his kids.

Things I want:
Bath stuff to luxuriate in
candles
2 nice outfits that fit well and are comfortable
2 t-shirts with cool and/or funny and/or deep political slogans on them
a new tattoo
Nice posters in frames of all of the national parks we have been to
A new (to me) couch
A dvd player

I'm sure there's more, but I don't want to go overboard. hahaha.

Posted at 12:24 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

A new scheme

November 25, 2003

OK, I have had schemes before, and they have fizzled out, but I think I can start small with this plan and grow something satisfying and fulfilling for everyone involved.

A week ago at my friend's house, a few of us were sitting around the table talking about cooking, and I suggested we all get together at my place once a month to do some big cooking and baking and share the results with all participants, so everyone would walk away with yummy food and maybe a new recipe idea or two.

I am excited about starting to do this in the new year, but I also thought maybe while we are all gathered together and waiting for things to cook we might be able to share a skill (like teaching each other how to knit or weave or use the computer or something) and then wrap things up by helping the host with a household project that needs to get done, like cleaning out a drawer or closet or something.

I dunno if the last thing can get accomplished on top of everything else, but I can definitely see the feasibility of getting the yummy food bubbling away on the stove and then everyone sitting down to learn a new craft or skill. Doesn't that sound fun?

Sundays here are my family days, but they can get kind of long when i'm here by myself with the kids. I was already thinking of starting my monthly potlucks again just to get new people into the house and have adult human contact on a regular basis, so if I do this homearts collective (or whatever I am going to call it.) I wonder if it should be in addition to a potluck or instead of a potluck. It seems more fun to get everyone together to spend a day cooking and hanging out...but then it won't always have to be at my house. So maybe I can do a potluck in addition to the collective.

Celebrations and gatherings were always so important to me before things fell to shit with Steven. I had monthly or at least regular potlucks for years and years before I even met steven and for a couple of years after we got together. I miss having people in my house enjoying good food and conversation, and I definitely need to cultivate a more cooperative-type community.

So, my two big goals for the new year will be to start up the Friday night child care thing (damn L and his damn unwillingness to finish cleaning out that back room. I'll probably have to wait until late December to get that carpet cleaned...and late January for the painting to get finished.) and to start up this collective. I think those will be two good first steps to a more sustainable and interdependent new year.

Yay.

Posted at 12:03 PM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

My response to the kwanzaa-basher

November 25, 2003

Basically, the argument boiled down to the fact that this guy couldn't understand how a holiday that was invented 30 years ago could be considered authentic. And he didn't get why it was frowned upon to buy kwanzaa gifts, decorations, and other items made by Avon - the person who initially posted the link to the official kwanzaa site had mentioned where authentic items could be purchased. I thought about it all night long, trying to figure out how I could respond to this jackass without burning myself out in the process (because I know this guy is not going to listen or care to any counter-argument he might have, but I also know other people are lurking and perhaps not sure what to think about the issue) and this is what I came up with.

I wonder what pagans (or, for that matter, the early Christians) thought during the first 30 years of the celebration of Christmas...

http://www.serve.com/shea/germusa/pagan.htm
http://www.zenzibar.com/Articles/christmas.asp
http://www.religioustolerance.org/xmas_menu.htm#menu
I wonder which customs or holidays (or, while we're hinting at it, entire
cultures) ARE actually "authentic."

livelifelove
Drucilla

This moron posts all of the time to the list, often pretending to be even more of a bumbling idiot than he actually is (which is probably difficult to do) in an attempt to make a point about something. A few weeks ago he posted about the head of "girl scouts of america" being asked to resign, when in actuality it was the head of the YWCA who was asked to resign. He "confused" the two in order to appear to be somewhat topical to the list, which had previously discussed girl scouts. Several people pointed out to him that there was no such thing as girl scouts of america, that girl scouts was not connected in any way to boy schouts. And I piped up "I know what you are talking about...all those woman things look the same to me, too."

*eyeroll*

The crap I have to put up with to get good homeschooling information. I'm thankful to be a proud member of the heathen homeschoolers of austin! Woo woo!

Posted at 10:05 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Poe has returned

November 25, 2003

Well, I'm relieved. It's supposed to freeze tonight, so I went outside to bring in what I thought was the one remaining cat, and Poe crept out from the shadows...cautiously. She's kind of shy, so it took me awhile to catch her, but I discovered that she's made buddies with our other cat. This is a good thing. Bela's not very friendly with the children, but she's street smart and she knows her way around the neighborhood.

So, anyway. Yay! I'm glad that she is back, and both cats are currently hiding from the dogs in my office. The have yummy food, fresh water, and a litter box. What more could a cat want on a cold night like tonight.

Posted at 12:13 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Back in chat

November 24, 2003

It's another one of THOSE nights. I promise I'm not as grumpy now as I was this weekend and this morning. Please entertain me with funny stories while I work.

Posted at 6:45 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

More Freeway Blogging

November 24, 2003

The freewayblogger is my latest crush. I got this e-mail from her/him today.

Hey drublood... thought you'd like this latest from the freewayblogger. Unfortunately it's dated material, the first figure's already up (How the fuck do you fight an enemy that can launch rockets from donkeycarts?), but the 2nd figure's still hovering right there around Zero.

Peace Y'all the freewayblogger

And here's the picture:

Posted at 6:35 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

That's how grateful we are.

November 24, 2003

Before I get to the sincere "thank you's":

I want to personally thank governor Perry for wasting our tax dollars on endless special sessions rather than funding the Children's Health Insurance Program my family relies on because I just don't have an extra 300-500 dollars laying around to spend on health insurance for my kids through my employer (and that's with my employer paying half). I got a letter on Friday that indicated I earn too much money to qualify for the program...in part because of the cuts in funding to that program, and in part because I finally got my lowlife husband out of the house. That's lovely. Thanks. I'll be sure to send the bill directly to the governor if we should need to go to the emergency room for any reason before I can find another health insurance alternative. Thanks, governor Perry. I appreciate your weaning me from the teat of the state. My children thank you, too. I'm sure they will grow up and vote republican.

While I'm on the subject, i'd like to thank my darling soon-to-be-ex husband, who responded to the news about his children no longer having healthy insurance by basically telling me he's "just trying to survive" and by alluding to the fact that I have somehow wronged him by officially ending our relationship rather than allowing him to live here without contributing anything positive to the household, other than his part-time involvement with his own children. Thanks, L, for giving me daily reminders that you truly truly are a jackass. Otherwise, I might be feeling like I made some sort of mistake by ending our relationship. I'm sure our children would thank you, too, if I was petty enough to actually tell them you are a lowlife scumbucket who is more interested in punishing me for not putting up with your bullshit than actually helping to maintain the security and the safety of your children. I only hope they learn from your lack of involvement and grow up to be responsible adults out of absolute rebellion against you.

Oh, and thanks also for letting the cat escape. I'm sure you will deny it, but I have no idea how else the cat might have gotten out, since I've made it a point to leave her in my office until she grows used to the hubbub in the house - taking her out a couple of times a day to pet her and assure her that she belongs here. I'm sure you will help me hang the signs that I'm going to have to hang to try to find her. And thanks to whatever well-meaning neighbor has taken in the cat rather than allowing her to return. Because, you know, she's A CAT and she might not make it home OK.

*sigh*

This just in:

Thanks also to the jackass on one of my homeschooling lists who is arguing against the validity and authenticity of Kwanzaa, since it's a holiday that was only invented 30 years ago.

Oh, and...:

Thanks, also, to L for having STILL not complied with the terms of our separation agreement. He has refused to finish cleaning out the back room of the house and the carpet that he absolutely filthified in the time that he was living back there. I WANTED to have Monk's birthday party back there, but it's far too gross, and since he refuses to do it and I don't want Monk to suffer for his sheer idiocy and relentless refusal to do anything resembling taking responsibility for himself and his actions, it's looking like I'm going to have to cough up the money to have it taken care of. That, and the fact that the vacuum cleaner that I bought brand new and have never used has somehow been abused to the point of worthlessness have me really pissed at L right now. That man is at the very top of my shitlist.

Posted at 12:09 PM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

It's Funny...but it really isn't.

November 24, 2003

I have no complaints about Saturday, Saturday was good. Well, aside from the fact that I was blowing my nose every 2 and a quarter seconds, Saturday was really good. A friend of mine treated me to dinner, coffee and conversation. It was nice.

Then came Sunday.

(warning, whining ahead)

Let's just start with a timeline:

around midnight
Finally give up on the idea that I'm going to actually do any housework, and crawl into bed.

5 AM
Monk's dog Bailey scratches at my arm, whining for me to let her out. I kick at Monk, who is sleeping in the bed with us, and tell him he needs to let his dog out. He pretends to be fast asleep. I get up and let the damn dog out so she can bark at random imaginary creatures in the backyard. I call her back in, determind to start crating her at night, as this is the second night in a row she has woken me for some dumb reason in the middle of the night. I gave up waking up in the middle of the night for other beings when Coley night-weaned, and I am NOT going to start again because of a stubborn, disobedient dog. (sorry, I'm a little pissed at this dog right now...for reasons that will be revealed later.)

8 AM
My drippy nose finally gets me out of bed, and I begin going about my day. Things start of inauspiciously enough...the kids are watching PBS, the dogs are playing outside and then begging for food inside and then playing outside. I feel miserable with my stuffy nose, and a little cranky, but otherwise it feels like it's going to be a productive day

9 AM
Monk is watching Arthur and the dogs are laying on the couch.

9:15 AM
I notice an eerie silence falls upon the house. I look at the couch, and the dogs are gone. The back gate is sitting wide open. Fuck.

9:30 AM
The kids are dressed and we all get in the van and start driving around looking for the dogs. I am sure we have lost Spike forever, since he doesn't know where we live and has no identification on him. I start to think that might be OK, when Coley wails "My dog spike is LOST!" I realize that Spike has officially become our dog.

9:35 AM
Bailey is found, sniffing around in someone's yard. I continue to drive around the block.

9:45 AM
I've driven around the block and the adjoining block. I'm certain someone must have picked up spike and Twyla because I know spike can't walk that far, and Twyla ALWAYS gets picked up. I head home.

9:50 AMI'm pulling up in front of my house, and I see a couple with a cute boston terrier on a leash. I start to reminisce about our long-lost spike, and realize it IS spike. I'm half-tempted to ignore them and let them keep the dog, but instead I roll down the window and say "Did you just find that dog?" Yes, they did. They found him running around with a beagle, brought him home, fed him, and then decided that they should take him out for a walk to see if they could find his owner. This basically means that they found him within 10 minutes or so of him getting out of the yard. I know people mean well, I truly do, but I really wish my neighbors would leave well enough alone. I love how no one bothers to catch Bailey, who is a fairly plain-looking dog...but they always manage to get their hands on Twyla, and now spike. I grab spike, thanking them profusely...and spike proceeds to expose my breast to the kind people by getting his paw caught on the neckline of my shirt. Nice. Did I mention I was still in my pajamas?

10 AM
Two dogs in, one to go. I'm not as worried about Twyla, because she has tags...but I AM worried about Twyla because, to be honest (and don't you dare tell the others) she's my favorite. I'm still sneezing, and growing increasingly impatient with my children. I really just want to crawl into bed and stay there all day, but the kids are strangely active, so I go about trying to prepare some breakfast. I make smoothies. Subsequently, both kids become covered in smoothy from head to toe. Coley decides he's done eating his smoothy and proceeds to paint monk's food and the chair with smoothy. There is smoothy everywhere. I throw Coley in the bathtub.

10:15 AM
Some guy from down the street calls. He has Twyla. I explain that I have a child in the bathtub and he kindly offers to bring her over. People are very nice about this. I need to stop complaining about the fact that they pick the dogs up in the first place, because almost always they offer to bring them to me. Sometimes I can be such an ass.

So, anyway, my day proceeds. There is some yelling at the children. I argue with Monk for 30 minutes to try to get him into the tub, and then an hour later, he refuses to get OUT of the tub, so I actually cuss him out which instantly makes me feel guilty and horrible, so I spend some time laying in bed crying my eyes out while Coley sits next to me, patting my back and saying "I'm sorry, mama. I sorry you are crying. I make you HAPPY! I cheer you up!" Which of course only makes me more miserable because, you know, how is it that an evil, bitchy mama like myself deserves such great kids? Monk forgives me, too...and we all end up snuggling in the bed for a little while, which is great, but I'm still cranky as all hell and dripping and sneezing and all of that stuff.

I slowly manage to turn the boat around and get us out the door to the grocery store and into our day's activities. I'm still miserable...all day I'm miserable.

At some point in the day, I got to feeling sorry for myself. I started thinking "Days like today are why children have two parents." I wasn't in the mood to nurture or be touched or answer questions or do anything for anyone else. And as soon as I thought that, about the kids needing two parents, I started to feel like a total failure for not being able to provide that. And then I realized that even when the kids HAD two parents in the house, it wasn't any better. I remembered all of the times that I was under the weather when Steven lived here, and I had to hear "So?" as he shut himself into his back room and played his guitar or slept or played a dumb computer game while I was left alone to take care of the kids. Playing with pain, I think it's called. I remembered how frustrating that was - having to deal not only with my own illness, but with the resentment of having another able-bodied person here who was refusing to do what I was incapable of. And on top of that, having to watch what I said and did for fear of this person's judgment.

As an aside, I still find that I hear the judging voice of L when things go awry here. Like when the dogs escaped, I could almost hear him shaking his head at me - first, because I'm such an idiot for having all of these dogs in the first place...and second, because I'm such an idiot for letting them escape (even though I am not the one who left the gate open). I'm trying to be conscious of where that comes from, and let it pass...but it can catch me off guard at times, and make me feel...self-conscious and ashamed.

At any rate, I think about that point, I drew myself a hot eucalyptus bath and cried my eyes out as I immersed myself in the water. I had this elaborate fantasy about someone coming over and just taking care of me. Without being asked to. Someone who would draw me a batch and clean up my house and go get me some orange juice and some freaking dish detergent when I needed it. I realized that my frustration is valid. Not that my expressions of anger earlier in the day were acceptable - they were not, and I had already apologized to the children for allowing myself to get out of control. But it is valid that I get frustrated and angry. I just need to acknowledge it more quickly and act in a way that will protect my children from my anger. They are not the cause of the frustration, even when they are doing frustrating things.

I think it's funny, but it's not...that I don't have sex fantasies. Instead, I fantasize about someone just...being selfless towards me. I mean, sure...there are plenty of people who do selfless acts for me. I'm so amazed by the support I have gotten. I appreciate it so very much. And I do attempt to pay it forward whenever I have the opportunity. And/but I think I am realizing that the most important element in my marriage that was missing was the selflessness. Just about anything that L did was self-serving. And yet he expected selflessness from me.

And I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I do believe that all acts of kindness are rewarded, and frequently are their own reward...so it was so easy for him to extract kindness out of me. And yet...he was always complaining that I was selfish, mean, and demanding. I know these things aren't true, and it's best that I ignore them...and that it's pointless to try to make sense out of anything L did, because there was no sense to it.

Anyway, after bitching about my day in my livejournal, the kids and I watched some videos, and we all went to bed early. This morning started off badly because the dogs once again got out the back gate, which must have blown open in the night. I was watching them when they got out, too. Twyla, the DEAF dog, actually came back when I called (signalled) her (which is HUGE for her, because there were Other Dogs in the field across the street, and she LOVES to play with other dogs. Spike never even left the yard, but Bailey took off and totally ignored my calls and just really pissed me off. I'm STILL mad at that dog.

I need to bungie that gate shut so I don't have to worry about it anymore. And I need to go drink some coffee and pretend like the mad dog goose chase didn't happen again this morning.

I hope you are all doing well. I don't really celebrate Thanksgiving, but I think it's time for me to focus on some people/events/things that I am thankful for at this point in my life. More positive posts forthcoming...And some ranting, too.

Posted at 8:26 AM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

soccer mommy

November 21, 2003

Coley just looked at me and exclaimed:

"Hey, you look like a soccer mommy!"

Posted at 9:37 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Excess Doggage.

November 20, 2003


(click to make it bigger)

While I was away, the children named the dog spike. Cole says "Spike, for SpyKids 3-D"


And here you can see why Cole's other name for him is "Dude, put your clothes on!"

Posted at 10:16 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Spawn of Another night of sitting in chat

November 20, 2003

Why don't you join me? I have lots of fun stuff to talk about.

I'll be helping a friend set up a blog, but I will also be in chat. Things were hopping last night after bedtime...you should join us.

Posted at 7:14 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

What I left behind.

November 20, 2003

I finally had to just leave the house. New dog was desperately attempting to score off of one of the female dogs, who were clearly not interested in his advances. Twyla just thought he was playing, so they had a grand old time of playing a game where newdog was trying to get into position at the back end of Twyla, and Twyla was just whirling and crouching and playing with newdog. It was funny, yet tragic, to watch.

Bailey, on the other hand, will have nothing of it. Poor Bailey keeps trying to sit down to keep newdog from sniffing her ass, but I think newdog considers that some kind of invitation to mount - and it ends up in teeth and a tizzy. I don't blame Bailey, and I'm hoping new dog turns down the hump machine a bit before someone get hurt. On the other hand, one well-aimed bite might save me a lot of money on neutering the dog if I can't find his owner.

OK, look. I know it's crazy to even consider the possibility of keeping this dog, but ya gotta see his face! I can't just let him roam the streets humping strange dogs and eating out of the trash! Maybe someone will call and retrieve him after I put the flyers up tomorrow. So far, it's been no dice on the owner finding tip. He's not microchipped, and no one has put in a search for him at the Town Lake Animal Center.

I'm very thankful that I got that freecycled bag of dog food over the weekend. At least I know I'm not spending anything extra. Maybe I'll even get a reward.

I left him with L, commenting that I knew dogsitting wasn't in the deal, but if he gets tired of referree-ing, he can just crate one of them for awhile. I'm hoping Bailey and newdog will come to some sort of resolution on the issue before I get home.

On the bright side, the two times newdog tried to jump on the table, he responded immediately to my stern "down" command. I'm hoping he's at least housebroken.

***

In other news, I'm considering changing the heading on my paypal cube to read "My husband refuses to pay child support, will you help me feed and clothe his children?" Would that be considered vindictive?

Posted at 5:21 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Pet Kharma

November 20, 2003

So, yesterday I was complaining about my damn dogs...and what happens? I go to the damn park and end up coming home with a stray boston terrier who was wandering around frightening the children (apparently everyone thought he was a pit bull? i mean, come ON...the dog weighs like 16 pounds or less.)

He's an intact brindle male, and he gets along with my dogs and kids just great...I'm hoping I can find his owner soon, because his ugly little face is starting to grow on me. I'll post a picture as soon as I can charge up the battery on the camera. Basically, he looks like a gremlin mixed with a wombat.

Anyway, what is the deal with me and pets this past year? I don't get it. But I guess I can't just let this little guy wander around being all horny and spermy and stuff. Damn, he sure is cute. Heheh.

Posted at 3:38 PM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

stories

November 20, 2003

On the bus yesterday, I got to thinking about all of my stories. Being that it's nearing the end of NaNoWriMo, I of course am just now feeling the urge to work on the novel some more. Maybe it's the time of year, but all of the stories from my life at the time the novel is set keep popping into my head. Here are some snippets for your enjoyment:

There's much much more. There are so many scenes from my life that seem almost movie-like in quality. I'm wondering if this is true in everyone's lives.

So...tell me YOUR movie moments!

Posted at 10:49 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

In case you didn't hear about this on Fox News

November 19, 2003

"I'm ashamed to be British. I'm ashamed Tony Blair and the Queen are entertaining this megalomaniac," said Cherry Bennet, 40, a scriptwriter from London.

"I'm not a mad left-winger," she added. "I'm middle England."

Colorful Cavalcade Protests Bush's Britain Visit

Posted at 5:06 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Minor Threat

November 19, 2003

Is there anything cuter than a kid wearing punk rock gear?

Coley has long outgrown this jacket, and I don't think the sticker will survive a transplant. So if anyone has a minor threat sticker they want to send to me for his next winter coat, please let me know.

This picture is totally going to be a major part of the re-design, when it happens.

Posted at 1:05 PM • Comments (8) • TrackBack

Damn Dogs

November 19, 2003

We were out for three hours today, and before I left, I made it a point to push all of the dishes to the back of the counter.

When we came home, the tablecloth was on the floor, a wooden spoon was entirely chewed up, and there were several dishes on the floor, including my favorite coffee mug, which was broken.

I've decided that Bailey is the culprit. So I'm crating Bailey whenever we leave the house from now on.

Fucking dogs. We were having a perfect day until just now. I'm so angry. I have no idea how they are getting up onto the counters to do this, but I'm hoping keeping them separated when I leave will put a stop to it.

P.S. The snow day was a blast! I'll post pictures later.

Posted at 12:30 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Snow Day!

November 19, 2003

In about 15 minutes, we will be leaving the house so we can play in the snow at Chaparral Ice skating rink. One of the moms in the homeschool field trip co-op came up with this one, and my kids are so freaking excited about it, it's not even funny. For educational purposes, they will also get a 15-minute tour of the facilities, but most of their time will be spent playing in the fake snow (scroll down the page to where it says "snow parks" for more information) with shovels and buckets and whatever else we can find around the house that looks snow-worthy.

Snowball fight, anyone?

Posted at 9:00 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Hooray!

November 18, 2003

I got a haircut today. Woo woo! This morning, when I pulled my hair down from the eternal bun I wear it in, I decided I had had it. I'm so tired of brushing huge dreaded snarls out of the ends of my hair. I'm tired of plucking huge clumps of hair out of the bathtub after every shower. I'm sick of having to wear my hair in a bun, because if I leave it down, the curly tips flair out at the bottom, and make my head look vaguely triangular.

So, when I got to my friend's house for playgroup, I demanded she cut it. And she complied. mwahahahaha. It's a good thing I only use my intense powers of persuasion for good and never for evil.

At any rate, Kate did a great job, and my head feels about 20 pounds lighter, and even though it looks good down, I put it up into two little pony tails, and I like it a lot. And I didn't have to pay a cent for it, although I will probably find a way to repay her. Somehow.

Hooray for DIY haircuts. Hooray for brave friends who will do them.

Hooray also (yet again) for freecycling. Thanks to a kind person with a food-allergic dog, I scored a twenty pound bag of primo dog food the other day. Free. That'll keep the pups fed for about 2 or 3 weeks at least. I am a total freecylevangelist, so if you have not poked around to see if there's a freecycle list in your area, you should do so.

And hooray for Poe the cat, who really does seem to be the only pet in the house who doesn't stress me out. Today, when I arrived home from playgroup, I discovered that the dogs had once again knocked several dishes and pots and pans off of the COUNTER and STOVE on to the floor. I have no idea how they are doing this, and I swear I am envisioning the beagle standing on the back of the boxer to pull off some of these crumb-snatching stunts. It's really pissing me off - between this and the toy-chewing...I might have to start crating the damn dogs when I go out, which kind of nixes the whole dogs-as-security-system idea. Butanyway...as I was attempting to not be pissed about that, poe jumped out from her secret hiding spot and came and sat on my lap, purring. She's totally silky smooth and so sweet that I was able to sit for like 10 minutes and just relax with her in my lap...just hanging out. Hooray!

So, it's been a relatively good day, even though Monk was really grouchy with me when I picked him up from craft class. I'm hoping I didn't ruin his already fragile ego by being bitchy with him about painting our magic wands the other day. I was going all weird on him because he was getting black paint on the white ends of the wands, and I really hurt his feelings. I've been apologizing ever since, but I don't think the apologies are working, so what I really need to do is find a craft project that we can do together...that he will enjoy...that I won't get all freaked out and perfectionist about. Maybe it's time to do our salt relief map of Ancient Egypt. That might be the answer.

Anyway, here I am now at work. I guess I should actually try to start getting some work done. I hope yr having a good day.

Posted at 5:09 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Lessons

November 18, 2003

Yesterday, I learned two things:

1 - When someone does something (or does not do something) for reasons unknown to me...it is NOT always about me.

2 - There is such a thing as "food privilege." It's pretty much the same thing as class privilege, but it manifests itself in someone (namely me) talking about certain unappealing foods that others might have no choice but to eat. And I should learn to keep my big mouth shut.

Posted at 9:13 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

You see what I gotta put up with?

November 17, 2003

Before i left for work, I had this conversation with Monk:

Monk: Mom, what does "last" mean? It's not in my vocabulary
Mama: The word "last"? As in, final?
Monk: Yeah. That's not in my vocabulary.
Pause
Mama: Wait a minute...how is it that the word "last" is not in your vocabulary, but the word "vocabulary" is in your vocabulary?
monk: Well, the word "vocabulary" isn't in my vocabulary, either.
Mama: *laughs*

That kid is really too much.

Posted at 4:31 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Non-Sequitor?

November 17, 2003

mom: Cole, would you like a new diaper?
cole: No, I want a banana.

Posted at 9:05 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Maude help us all.

November 17, 2003

Monk has discovered Calvin and Hobbes.

PS...was blogrolling hacked or something? Or is it just my account?

Posted at 8:41 AM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

Door to door cat delivery service

November 16, 2003

Last Sunday, my cat Funnyface died. We were prepared for her passing. She was old, and had spent the last month of her life basically slowly crossing over.

Yesterday, as I was cleaning out my e-mail box as I do every Saturday, I saw a posting on one of my homeschool lists about a cat needing a home. I responded.

Today, the kind woman who posted about the cat brought her right to my house. The boys were SO excited. This cat seems very sweet and mellow, and she's up to date on all of her shots and is spayed (which is important to me in my current financial state.) She's also gorgeous.

We tried to think of names for her. Monk suggested we name her (myrealname) the cat. Cole suggested that we name her peanut butter and jelly sandwich. We tried variations of pbj like pb and bj. I suggested Stella, Monk wanted Ella, but we have a friend named Ella, and I thought that might be a little inappropriate. Plus our other cat is bela, and that's a little too cutesy for me.

Suddenly, Monk came up with P.O.E. which are initials for a concept that I'm not allowed to tell anyone Monk actually might believe in because his reputation as a war-obsessed, hippy-hating seven year old might be in jeopardy if I told you. So, our new cat is named Poe...which I feel is a name that befits her.

So, say hi to Poe, our new feline family member.

Click to make it grow.

Posted at 12:58 PM • Comments (11) • TrackBack

Anyone but a politician...in '04

November 16, 2003

Despite the best efforts of our doctrinal leaders, the moral sentiments of the people are not entirely corrupted. Consumers, for example, are prepared to pay a premium of they can be assured they are buying products not made in sweatshops. And third-world countries need not survive only under the sweatshop conditions ("tremendous good news") praised by Krugman and his colleague at the Times, Nicholas Kristof. They have to be permitted to return to the somewhat protected conditions encouraged in the development policies of an earlier era, without agencies of the US government decreeing that their reformers and their union organizers be murdered by death squads.

I'm sorry, but you won't be hearing these ideas from Howard Dean.

Alexander Cockburn: Clintontime: Was It Really a Golden Age?

Posted at 12:25 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Thank You.

November 16, 2003

To all who will be attending the direct action against the ftaa.

Posted at 10:30 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Sitting in chat, Day 3

November 15, 2003

I'm at work doing a ton and a half of really boring phone calls and data (re)entry and various other not so fun things, so I will have my chat window open all night in hopes that someone can entertain me by telling me funny stories or something. I'll also be on AIM (screen name: lgbdozer). I can't guarantee that I will be able to contribute to the conversation, but...

Here I am now. Entertain me.

Posted at 12:17 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Un-be-fucking-lievable.

November 14, 2003

It's amazing what I hear on the "news" these days. I spent the day today running errands and was just totally in awe of the ridiculousness of what passes for news reporting today - and even what passes for editorial, based on ill-founded bullshit and outright intolerance and hatred for anything but the good old fashioned american way (it's amazing, for instance, how the word "socialist" is assumed to be insulting and left at that. And how freely people bandy about the claim that some people in this country "don't pay any taxes.")

But I just heard the mother of all unbelievable bullshit on Fox News about 5 minutes ago. I was listening out of the corner of my ear and the smiling newslady was reporting about how women who have their second child with a different father are more likely to have low-birthweight babies the second time around. Certainly, this is an important study sponsored by a reputable non-religious foundation...but I could find no trace of this study in my quick search of the internet. The report took up all of 2 minutes in the news broadcast and as if the study itself wasn't ridiculous enough, the story was capped with the line "scientists are not sure about the cause of the discrepancy, but it's believed to be caused by lifestyle factors."

Fuck ME.

Um, hello? This is what passes for science these days? Wouldn't a proper study use control groups based on lifestyle? And what, exactly, was the purpose of this study? Were the "scientists" trying to make a point about the importance of fidelity? How is "low birth-weight" defined? If there was no control to factor out "lifestyle choices" (because, we ALL know that women who have children with more than one father are all pathetic, drug-addicted, whores!) how are we to believe there was no control to factor for normal weight variance in second children...

I'd love to research all of this, but I'm too busy seething to do anything about it right now. I'll probably rant a bit tonight with my mama friends and maybe look into more statistics tomorrow...but if anyone knows what this study is about and why it's considered newsworthy, please enlighten me.

Well, lookie, lookie - here's a more scientific (read: less faux-morally superior) explanation for variance in birthweight):

PREECLAMPSIA is a transient but potentially dangerous complication of pregnancy thataffects 3 to 5 percent of pregnant women. Although the causes of preeclampsia remainuncertain, epidemiologic features of the conditionhave led to speculation about immunologic causes. The risk of preeclampsia is at least twice as high during first pregnancies as during second or later pregnancies. Recent studies have suggested that the risk may decrease with a second pregnancy only if themother's partner is the same. The hypothesis is thatthe risk of preeclampsia may be reduced with repeatedmaternal exposure and adaptation to specific foreignantigens of the partner. According to this hypothesis, a new partner presents new antigens, which resultsin a risk of preeclampsia that is similar to the risk dur-ing a first pregnancy. However, it is also possible thatthe increased risk of preeclampsia associated with achange of partner might be attributable to a longerinterval since the previous delivery, which may alsoincrease the risk of preeclampsia.

Journalistic irresponsibility, anyone? Fuck rates of low-birthweight babies - I want to know the rate of truthful information compared to lies and misinformation reported on Fox News.

Posted at 5:54 PM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

Giving and Receiving, Part 2

November 14, 2003

Yesterday, I received in the mail a card from my sister - the sister I have chosen to not speak to for the past few years. I was afraid to open it, because the last three efforts she has made at communicating with me have been all about calling me a selfish bitch and cussing me out.

Curiosity got the better of me.

The card contained a short note and a gift certificate from Whole Foods for a significant amount of money. Too much for me to really refuse.

However, here's the deal. I feel like money has been used in our relationship before to perpetuate this weird power/control dynamic. The last time we made amends, she flew me to Chicago after Cole was born so I could spend my first 3 months post-partum in relative peace at my mother's house as opposed to here in Austin with L, who had broken up with me, but refused to leave the house.

It was a very nice gesture, but the end result was the same. We ended up in the same old power struggle where she refused to acknowledge my boundaries and continually interacted with me in ways that were unhealthy and manipulative. Which is pretty much the way I observe her interacting with just about everyone - but it seems like other people have different boundaries than me and are able to accept it or ignore it more easily than I am.

Anyway, the whole thing ended with me actually becoming estranged from my mother, who, in her efforts to force me and my sister to get along, ended up and invalidating my feelings about events in the past that I feel inform my present relatationship with my sister. Basically, my mother told me that I was acting out towards my sister because I wanted attention - when just about everyone in the family knows that my sister does not communicate in healthy ways. I guess I was tired of bearing the brunt of the blame for my sister's inability to interact with me in an acceptable way, so I stopped talking to my mom.

I was stressed. It was too much to deal with my problems with L (which have been evident in my life, on and off and in varying degrees, for the past 6 years or so) in addition to my difficulty relating to K (my sister) and then being judged by my mother on top of everything else. It was too much for me, so I withdrew from everyone. This is what drew the nasty phone calls and letters from my sister, and it actually caused a rift between me and my brother J - who actually said "If I have to choose between you and mom, I will choose mom." I never asked him to make that choice. I wasn't even the one who informed him of the problems. But he made that choice anyway, and I haven't really spoken to him in about a year (although I plan to).

When I withdrew, I made it clear to my mom that I didn't intend to NEVER speak to her again. I mailed her a card that said I had a lot of things to think about and figure out, and that I needed to do it without her influence.

Since I withdrew, I have somewhat come to terms with the fact that my mother neglected me when I was a child. It hurts to type that. I was abused by my brothers and sisters due to her neglect. The problem is that my other family members seemed to stop abusing me as they got older and realized that what they were doing was wrong (which was something that should have been enforced externally - from my mother - as we were growing up...and eventually instead became enforced internally) and my sister K seemed to become MORE abusive in a less overt and more insidious way as we grew older.

In fact, as of the last time I had any contact with her, I felt like K was abusive to her boyfriend and her children, as well. Overly-critical, inconsistently ill-tempered, seemingly annoyed by their presence all the time. And I would be extremely surprised if her eldest son does not end up with a serious eating disorder.

So...then there's this gift card.

And this unspoken offer of...what? Reconciliation?

The problem is that I'm a sucker for forgiveness. I have forgiven L about a trillion times in the time we have been together. There have been many times when I should not have forgiven him, but I have forgiven him anyway. And the pull to forgive my sister is strong. She has good qualities. She can be caring. She can be generous. She can be funny. She can be kind.

But she also can turn on a dime and go the other way. I've seen her do it. That's the quality which makes me fear for her children and anyone else who is involved with her.

But I also know that people change. I know that she is getting married in January. I know that she has been in therapy (although she was in therapy when I was there last, and that was when she was the worst she has ever been).

And then, again, she has not spoken a word about what it is that we should be forgiving. She hasn't mentioned her anger towards me. She hasn't discussed why I might be angry with her. She is just offering this gift as a peace offering, but the gift itself is somewhat descriptive of the problems that we have.

When I was in therapy, my counselor encouraged me to accept the help that my mother was offering. She told me that perhaps my mom was attempting to help me now in ways that she was unable or unwilling to help me when I was little. She's trying to protect the grown-up me the way she could not protect the little me. And that I should accept that help in the spirit it is being offered.

I know that my sister has significantly more financial security than my mother, and I'm certain that if I were to ask my sister for help with getting the divorce or fixing up the house or just about anything, she would provide whatever I need.

But I also know that would make me feel dirty and gross...because I have no desire right now to have a relationship with my sister - especially not one in which there is an imbalance of power and dependence - unless I know for sure that she will at least attempt to acknowledge my boundaries.

So, while I know I'm going to use the gift certificate she sent (most likely to fund Monk's birthday party)...I'm not sure how to respond to it. Perhaps I will have Monk write her a thank you card. I don't know.

I do know that I can't go through what I'm going through right now and pile the issues with my sister on top of everything else. It's too fucking much. It would be nice if I could just put the past behind me and ask her for financial help, but I tried to do that once, sincerely believing we could reconcile our differences, and I ended up feeling abused and on top of that feeling like everyone in the family thought I used my sister for her money or whatever. In fact, a common family theme is "you only talk to me when you want something" not just directed towards me, but I've heard it said about just about every family member.

I might just drive myself crazy turning this over and over in my head...but I think instead I will step away from the computer and engage my brain in some mindless activity like cleaning or dancing or something to disconnect a bit. It helped to write that all down.

I hope everyone has a good day and a nice weekend.

Posted at 9:51 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Giving and Receiving, part one.

November 13, 2003

I've become hooked on freecycling. We have a list here in Austin, and it's all about giving away things that you don't need and asking for things that you do need...and receiving them. I have so far freecycled a vacuum cleaner (which I asked for, and have not yet picked up) and a two-seater bike trailer (which was offered, and I have also not yet picked up). But even more than the things that I have actively requested and received is just the general good vibe of seeing other people making requests and receiving items - and making offers and giving items away. It's a good thing. It's a very good thing.

It's kind of like the anti-e-bay, if you think about it. I know e-bay is good supplemental income for a lot of people out there, and can be used in the spirit of thriftscoring. At the same time, there is so much crap on e-bay that is totally overpriced and not really worthwhile. At least stuff that I'm looking for tends to be that way.

So I have - or will have - my much-needed vacuum cleaner, and as well as an oft-dreamed-of bike trailer (now I need to fix up my bike!) thanks to freecycle. I'm probably going to put out a request for some paint and some cork board in the near future. Someone offered carpeting, and I have considered taking them up on the offer, but I'm not sure if I will have time to install it anytime soon, so I kind of want to wait and see if someone else takes it. At some point, I am going to dig through my closets and figure out what I can freecycle. I know I have some things that are just taking up space that I can probably get rid of. Things that would be too much of a hassle to try to sell. Things I might want to release to someone who truly needs them and truly can't afford them - like the silver rhinestone tiara that was offered the other day specifically for a bride-to-be who didn't have enough money to buy fancy accessories.

It's nice to receive. It's nice to give. And it's nice to see giving and receiving happening.

Posted at 11:01 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

"honor the warrior, not the war."

November 13, 2003

Well, this just sickens me.

Members of Veterans For Peace and Vietnam Veterans Against the War were yanked off a downtown Tallahassee street, directly in front of the Old Capitol, while marching in the holiday parade they had legitimately registered in.

As organizers allowed the parade to roll on -- including veterans from various wars, several high school marching bands and even a group of young women from the local Hooters restaurant -- the anti-war veterans were ordered onto sidewalks where they passed out leaflets and displayed a banner reading, "Honor the Warrior, Not the War."

What did the opposition have to say about their fellow anti-war veterans?

"We don't care where they are, as long as they're somewhere else," said Charles LeCroy, an Air Force personnel superintendent in Vietnam and second vice commander of American Legion Post 13 in Tallahassee. "It's disrespectful, that's what it is, and I just can't stomach or tolerate or conceive of it."

[link courtesy of ampersand]

What the fuck is up with people. Today on NPR I actually heard someone from our military (I'm not sure who, and I can't look up the archive right now due to weird computer problems) refer to the last day of Ramadan as "a celebration, or whatever they call it" in a very us vs. them kind of way that sounded completely inappropriate to me. It was in reference to the violence which is anticipated to occur on the final day of Ramadan, and the word "they" was spat out as if it left a bad taste in this person's mouth. I'll have