Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: November 2003 Archives

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« October 2003 | Main | December 2003 »

Mama Troubles.

November 30, 2003

I'm really struggling with being a mama lately. I feel like every day I wake up and decide that today is the day that I'm going to get my shit together and be the best mama I know how to be, but something always happens and I fuck up, and I can't help but feel like I'm trapped in a weird video game and I keep losing lives, only every time I lose a life it gives my kids permanent damage.

I try to keep it in perspective. It's really fucking hard sometimes to be me. It's hard to be "on" all of the time - impossible, really. But I don't want that to be an excuse for me to make it even harder to be my kid.

Today, we actually woke up well, and everyone was pretty happy. I was pleased with the fact that I stopped Coley before he started playing his computer game and looked him in the eyes and told him that he was going to have to stop playing when the pancakes were done. Usually it's holy Hell trying to get him off of the computer. It seems like if I were to let him, he would sit there all day playing Jumpstart Preschool or whatever...so I eventually just have to turn the thing off and try to comfort his cries as best I can, which can be difficult to do when I'm feeling like I gave him plenty of time and warning before resorting to that drastic action.

Anyway, the looking in the eyes and giving a concrete event as a time limit really seemed to work. When the pancakes were done, Coley stopped playing immediately...and sat down to eat

We all enjoyed a nice breakfast together, and then it was time for morning circle. I had a bunch of different books spread out, and basically we were going to read together for an hour. Coley is welcome to stay with us and read, or he can choose to play by himself quietly in the room or in any other room of the house. He has crayons and stickers and all of Monk's dragons and cars all to himself if he chooses.

Instead, what has been happening during morning circle is that 15 minutes into it, Coley begins to either talk really loudly until someone responds - at which point he continues to talk and talk and talk and interrupt the story telling. Or he kicks me or hits his brother or, basically, otherwise attempts to hijack our attention for the duration of the hour.

Now, I understand that it's difficult for a kid to sit still for an hour, and I don't expect cole to do that. But I think it's important for Monk to get some quality time, and Monk really enjoys morning circle when I'm not having to stop every three seconds to attempt to gently correct coley.

The gentle correction often disintegrates to impatient correction and then to yelling - particularly on days like today when my patience is thin and when I feel that Coley is being very intentionally manipulative. I tend to believe that children only ask for what they need, but Coley is three, and I feel like he should be able to accept delayed gratification for his needs at this point - particularly since his "needs" are frequently in direct interference with Monk's needs. Coley gets all sorts of lovey time and snuggles and laptime and hugs and kisses from me. That's not the kind of attention Monk wants from me. Monk wants reading and playing and floor attention. He doesn't get that as much as he should, because when I attempt to give it to Monk - Coley interferes. And I believe it's an intentional interference.

It's not that I think Coley is a bad kid or that he hates his brother or whatever, but he very definitely fights for the attention. So, today after yelling and feeling crappy about it...and then yelling again and feeling crappy about it. And then getting so frustrated that I felt like I was losing control and was soon going to be unable to respond at all gently, I picked him up and put him in Monk's room. Coley cried...and I left him there.

What was I supposed to do at this point? I had a three year old who was crying, and a 6 year old who was observing me being very impatient and possibly inappropriately angry with the three-year old. I was so angry and frustrated that I was practically in tears myself. I mean, how much is Monk supposed to sacrifice so his brother can remain an infant who gets all of mama's attention whenever he wants it or cries for it? I felt like I was setting a horrible example for both of them, but I still am not sure what a better answer would be. And of course by this time, it was almost pointless to continue reading. Cole kept running back in, crying...and I would gently tell him that if he wanted to listen to stories, he would have to be quiet and respectful of story time...and if he didn't, that was fine, too - but he was going to have to play by himself for a little while. I don't know how to be fair to both of them in this kind of situation.

I'm also having a problem with Coley refusing to potty train in any way...to the point where if he is running around naked, he will just piss anywhere and that doesn't even stop him - he will splash around and play in the pee unless I immediately catch him and clean it up. It's so freaking aggravating. And it's difficult to keep my head and not get pissy (har) with him when this happens. I just have a feeling that at his age he should kind of know better than to play in his own urine. He's a pretty smart kid, and I know I've talked with him about it before - gently - about a million gazillion times. But he just doesn't seem care.

So, I dunno. These are just a couple of examples of my challenges with Coley that have me stumped. There are more. He frequently spills water all over the floor - or juice - intentionally and with a seeming desire to be impish and usually right when I'm looking directly at him. He also STILL will not respect my body space, and continuously tries to touch and pinch sensitive areas on my body (like my armpits and the flab under my arms) even though I have been asking him not to do this for practically his entire life. Asking, redirecting, I admit I've even slapped his hand when he has taken me by surprise (and it can be surprising to be sitting down somewhere, concentrating on something, and suddenly there's a cold little hand shooting up the sleeve of your shirt.) I don't know if I'm a freak because this bothers me so much or what, but it TRULY really irritates me and he will. not. stop. If it's not his hands on me, it's his feet. He likes to kick me and rub me and touch me with his feet. Any time I am stationary, you can bet he will be there to get his touching in. And I don't mind touching all that much, but this is like CONSTANT rubbing, moving, squirming, wiggling kind of touching and it can literally drive me insane.

I feel like I'm crazy to write this. I love that kid so much. I love that he's so cuddly and lovable. I love that he tells me he loves me all the time. I love that he wants to be near me...but I wish he would respond a little better to the limits I place on his behavior. I feel like the limits I set are important to maintain fairness in the household and sanity for me. I don't feel like I'm way out of control with placing arbitrary limits on his behavior...but I also feel like I'm not getting through to him AT ALL.

Maybe I went though this with Monk, too. I remember my first ever post to hipmama was something along the lines of "I'm certain that my son will end up being a serial killer." Maybe I went through this with Monk but have conveniently forgotten about it (because I probably would have never had another if I would have remembered how hard it is!)...or maybe my stress level or the stress level in the household is rubbing off on the kids, making them more needy and clingy (in which case, am I expected to completely give up on setting limits regarding how often/where/when I want to be touched and rubbed on?) or perhaps I'm more tired and have less patience, so I'm noticing it more.

I wish I was the kind of parent who just didn't mind. Who wasn't bothered by repetitive touch and repetitive sound (both of those things are the things that tend to bring the yelling out of me). I'm certain there is a way that I can have better control over my reaction to it, but how to I control my reaction to it AND get the kids to respect my limits? It seems like they don't respond to my requests until my requests become commands. And then we all feel bad.

The dilemma is that I really, truly believe in parenting respectfully. I want my children to have some say in the rules around here...and I don't want anyone to justify my actions by telling me "Hell, yeah! You're the mama, and they need to do what you tell them to do." But I also feel that I should have some say over how I am treated and touched, and what gets done. I don't feel that parenting respectfully should mean that the kids get to be disrespectful towards me or each other. And sometimes I just don't have the time or energy to think of a redirective way of handling a situation. I'm totally open to hearing some from other parents, though.

Blah. Coley is asleep right now. He fell asleep in my arms and I very gently laid him on a pillow. I think I'm going to go in there and join him for a nap. Perhaps that's all I need. And when I wake up, I SWEAR I'm going to be the best mama I know how to be.

Posted at 2:41 PM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

I trust you all had a splendid Buy Nothing Day

November 29, 2003

I didn't fully participate this year, because I had to find something to do outside the home for 5 hours while L hung out with the kids. I got myself some dinner and had a cup of coffee, which I guess wasn't much, comparitively. Although I know that comparisons are, in fact, odious.

I am once again feeling the need to not post as much. I just don't get the urge like I used to, or the rhythm of my day just doesn't allow for it as much. This will probably change, at the latest, with the change of seasons - at which point I always make an effort to adjust and renew our rhythms. Right now, all of our rhythms are off. We're slacking on circle time, and just kind of making things up as we go along, which involves a lot more television watching than I normally feel is appropriate, but we are also kind of all getting over an allergy/cold/flu thing, so the TV has moved to the bedroom where we can all lounge in comfort and warmth. It's nice. But I'm sure the TV will be taking it's quarterly vacation in the closet pretty soon.

Speaking of vacations, after today, I'm on mine. I'm not going anywhere, which presents its own set of problems - mostly along the lines of "What the fuck am I going to do every night if I can't be at home and I can't go to work." I don't WANT to go in to work, but it's tempting. It's free, for one thing, and there is fast internet access and people to talk to. Hell, I'll probably hang out at the library. I'm trying not to spend too much money on extra stuff because I have a couple of upcoming events that are costly for me...most notably, Monk's SEVENTH birthday party. I've taken the liberty of adding some items to my wishlist if you wish to shower Monk with presents. He deserves to be showered, as he's kind of having a difficult time lately. But we are going to have a fun party for him with cake and decorations and 10 of his closest friends, so I'm hoping that will help bring him back up.

The other upcoming expense is the change of seasons - which is when I usually splurge a bit on curriculum and craft supplies. I already have some stuff, but I still need to do some planning. I think I can avoid overspending if I am careful and if I assess what I have and figure out how to use it in new ways. I have TONS of craft supplies, and I really need to organize my craft closet so it's all visible and organized.

Which means I definitely have a lot of stuff that I'm going to need to freecycle.

So, my goals for this vacation are as follows:

Figure out if I can dispute the removal of the kids from CHIP
Submit my application for financial assistance to join the YMCA
Clean out the craft closet
Steam clean the carpet
Clean out the bathroom off of the playroom
Clean out my office
Find someone to watch the kids one day of my vacation so I can lay in bed and watch movies all day.
Finish making the magic kits (I'm testing them out by giving them as birthday gifts this week. We have a party to go to for some triplets, and then a party the day after Monk's birthday.)
Make mix tapes for my grown-up friends, for my adolescent nephews, and for the younger nieces and nephews.
Spend as much floor time with the kids as possible.
Relax, have fun, get geared up for a new year. Start making plans now for a good one.

That doesn't sound like too much, does it? Interspersed with all of that will be about eleventy million activities for Monk (including THREE birthday parties, if you count his own, and THREE co-op classes, and one park day. Phew!) I think it will be a good week.

Posted at 9:32 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

While Bush was Vamping it up for the cameras

November 28, 2003

Some family members of troops that have been killed in Iraq are planning a peace mission:

"A mission of peace, that is what we are trying to do," said Suarez del Solar, whose son, Marine Lance Cpl. Jesus Suarez del Solar, was killed in Iraq eight months ago. "The idea is that the people of Iraq understand that we are not their enemies, that we are also suffering in this war."
The group of 10 includes two wives of soldiers based at Fort Bragg, N.C., and four veterans of the Vietnam and Gulf wars, two of whom have children deployed in Iraq. They have raised donations to pay for the trip, and though no special government permission was needed, 25 members of Congress wrote letters of support.

"I have been very confused about what is going on," said Lopercio, whose son, Anthony, is an Army fueling specialist. "You hear lots of conflicting, crossed messages from the administration and the news reports."

Lopercio, 51, said he wants to talk to "average, everyday Iraqis. ... How they feel will ultimately dictate our success or failure there."

May they go in peace and arrive home safely with the answers they seek.

[link courtesy of an anonymous commentor at Eschaton]

Posted at 12:07 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Ladies and Gentlemen

November 26, 2003

Allow me to introduce...

The newest addition to the full bleed crue...

Pansy.

She fucking rocks.

Full bleed is so ruling, man.

Posted at 4:42 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Freecycling Fiend

November 26, 2003

Definitely at the top of the list of things that I am thankful for right now is freecycling. Today I scored some casserole dishes that I really needed because I broke both of mine in the span of about a month, and I was not looking forward to shelling out money for new ones just because I'm clumsy. I'm sure the dog broke one of them, too...but I can't recall clearly enough to blame her.

Although I do blame the dog for the breakage of practically all of the other glass dishes in the house. Anytime a dish is left on the table when no one is in the room - even if only for five minutes - you can bet Miss Twyla will be jumping on the table and dumping the dish on the ground in her frenzy to eat anything that resembles people food.

It is for this reason that I am glad I also picked up a really nice set of dishes. Two place settings only, but a really pretty design that matches with my kitchen. My very own dishes. No one else can use them. I'm so pleased.

I also got to talk for a long time to the woman who is going to be giving me her vacuum cleaner. She is very sweet, but she's ill with pneumonia, so it's been difficult for us to arrange a pick up of the vacuum. We talked for a long time about marriage and divorce and various other things. It was cool. She gave me some good ideas for how to cover the disgusting carpet in that room.

It was a good day, in spite of the fact that coley barfed and monk talked non-stop all day and I'm still not really in a good mama mode with all of the sickness and waking up in the middle of the night to comfort people and stuff. I'm just kind of worn thin. I think Monk really needs to hang out with another kid, but I don't know if he is sick like Coley is, and I don't want to be responsible for someone else's barfy Thanksgiving. I might ask my friend K to pick Monk up tomorrow and take him geocaching without me and coley, though. I'll warn her in advance that he might be carrying a barf virus and leave it up to her. I'm all about letting other people decide whether they want to deal with a potential barf sickness.

Speaking of which, I had this exchange with L today, and I was very proud of myself. I came home a little early from work and thought I might walk the dog before L left. Of course, he was anxious to leave and went outside to smoke a cigarette when I got there, giving me just enough time to watch coley barf all over the couch and the kitchen floor. I was washing him off when L walked in, and I asked him to clean up the mess while I got Coley cleaned off and pajama'd and settled down to bed. L cleaned the couch, but I walked out and there was still a huge puddle of vomit on the kitchen floor. This was the exchange:

Me: There's still some barf on the floor, here are some rags...please clean it up.
L: But, I already cleaned up the couch!
Me (cutting him off): Yeah, and I cleaned up copious amounts of barf last night. Are you going to play tit for tat, or are you going to parent your children?

Gah. I mean, had I not come home from work, what would he have done? Would he have just left the barf on the floor for me to clean up, thinking it was enough to just get coley washed off and taken care of? And what about all of the laundry that was piled in the back room. The barf laundry that I didn't get to during the day.

It's amazing to me how this person's sense of responsibility and accountability is so freaking skewed. How he's ready to leave the MINUTE I get home, whether I am home an hour or two early or not.

At the same time, I was totally surprised in a pleasant way that he has offered to hang out with the kids during the day when I am at my end of year retreat for work. So, I probably should count my blessings. I'm sure if he was reading this, he would say something like "You are never satisfied with what I DO - you are always looking at what I DON'T do." Which might very well be a character flaw of mine, in spite of all of the character flaws that might or might not belong to him.

So, since this post was at least in part supposed to be about things I am thankful for, as I seem to be naturally or artificially inclined to focus on things in that way around this time of year, I will say that I'm thankful for my beautiful children, who I would not have without this man who befuddles and frustrates and angers me. And I am thankful that he will be taking care of them on the day of my retreat. And I will attempt to leave it at that and forget the other as best I can...in the morning...but I reserve the right to bitch about him at varous intervals as necessary.

Now it's 12:30, and it's getting chilly in my house, so I think I will lay down in my bed and snuggle under the covers with my two beautiful boys. And hope that Coley doesn't barf. And hope that everyone is feeling much better tomorrow.

Posted at 12:31 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

This is funny

November 25, 2003

Yooha! News - Speuters Photo

Posted at 12:53 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

All I want.

November 25, 2003

24 Hour Mama asked what we might want for Christmas. I'm assuming this doesn't include the kiddos, because I can't ever seem to get past what I want them to have and get down to what I would want or need. Although that's probably something that would be good for me to do on a more regular basis.

So, here are my lists, broken down into need and desire:

Need:
A nice medium saucepan
A set of glass casserole/storage bowls
Carpeting or at least carpet cleaning for my back room
about a gallon of chalkboard paint
about 1/2 gallon of magnetic paint
about 2 gallons of yellow paint that goes well with the purple paint in the back room
new pillows - esp. a big body pillow
money to hire a lawyer and divorce L
for L to get his own place and a job so he can start supporting his kids.

Things I want:
Bath stuff to luxuriate in
candles
2 nice outfits that fit well and are comfortable
2 t-shirts with cool and/or funny and/or deep political slogans on them
a new tattoo
Nice posters in frames of all of the national parks we have been to
A new (to me) couch
A dvd player

I'm sure there's more, but I don't want to go overboard. hahaha.

Posted at 12:24 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

A new scheme

November 25, 2003

OK, I have had schemes before, and they have fizzled out, but I think I can start small with this plan and grow something satisfying and fulfilling for everyone involved.

A week ago at my friend's house, a few of us were sitting around the table talking about cooking, and I suggested we all get together at my place once a month to do some big cooking and baking and share the results with all participants, so everyone would walk away with yummy food and maybe a new recipe idea or two.

I am excited about starting to do this in the new year, but I also thought maybe while we are all gathered together and waiting for things to cook we might be able to share a skill (like teaching each other how to knit or weave or use the computer or something) and then wrap things up by helping the host with a household project that needs to get done, like cleaning out a drawer or closet or something.

I dunno if the last thing can get accomplished on top of everything else, but I can definitely see the feasibility of getting the yummy food bubbling away on the stove and then everyone sitting down to learn a new craft or skill. Doesn't that sound fun?

Sundays here are my family days, but they can get kind of long when i'm here by myself with the kids. I was already thinking of starting my monthly potlucks again just to get new people into the house and have adult human contact on a regular basis, so if I do this homearts collective (or whatever I am going to call it.) I wonder if it should be in addition to a potluck or instead of a potluck. It seems more fun to get everyone together to spend a day cooking and hanging out...but then it won't always have to be at my house. So maybe I can do a potluck in addition to the collective.

Celebrations and gatherings were always so important to me before things fell to shit with Steven. I had monthly or at least regular potlucks for years and years before I even met steven and for a couple of years after we got together. I miss having people in my house enjoying good food and conversation, and I definitely need to cultivate a more cooperative-type community.

So, my two big goals for the new year will be to start up the Friday night child care thing (damn L and his damn unwillingness to finish cleaning out that back room. I'll probably have to wait until late December to get that carpet cleaned...and late January for the painting to get finished.) and to start up this collective. I think those will be two good first steps to a more sustainable and interdependent new year.

Yay.

Posted at 12:03 PM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

My response to the kwanzaa-basher

November 25, 2003

Basically, the argument boiled down to the fact that this guy couldn't understand how a holiday that was invented 30 years ago could be considered authentic. And he didn't get why it was frowned upon to buy kwanzaa gifts, decorations, and other items made by Avon - the person who initially posted the link to the official kwanzaa site had mentioned where authentic items could be purchased. I thought about it all night long, trying to figure out how I could respond to this jackass without burning myself out in the process (because I know this guy is not going to listen or care to any counter-argument he might have, but I also know other people are lurking and perhaps not sure what to think about the issue) and this is what I came up with.

I wonder what pagans (or, for that matter, the early Christians) thought during the first 30 years of the celebration of Christmas...
http://www.serve.com/shea/germusa/pagan.htm
http://www.zenzibar.com/Articles/christmas.asp
http://www.religioustolerance.org/xmas_menu.htm#menu
I wonder which customs or holidays (or, while we're hinting at it, entire
cultures) ARE actually "authentic."

livelifelove
Drucilla

This moron posts all of the time to the list, often pretending to be even more of a bumbling idiot than he actually is (which is probably difficult to do) in an attempt to make a point about something. A few weeks ago he posted about the head of "girl scouts of america" being asked to resign, when in actuality it was the head of the YWCA who was asked to resign. He "confused" the two in order to appear to be somewhat topical to the list, which had previously discussed girl scouts. Several people pointed out to him that there was no such thing as girl scouts of america, that girl scouts was not connected in any way to boy schouts. And I piped up "I know what you are talking about...all those woman things look the same to me, too."

*eyeroll*

The crap I have to put up with to get good homeschooling information. I'm thankful to be a proud member of the heathen homeschoolers of austin! Woo woo!

Posted at 10:05 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Poe has returned

November 25, 2003

Well, I'm relieved. It's supposed to freeze tonight, so I went outside to bring in what I thought was the one remaining cat, and Poe crept out from the shadows...cautiously. She's kind of shy, so it took me awhile to catch her, but I discovered that she's made buddies with our other cat. This is a good thing. Bela's not very friendly with the children, but she's street smart and she knows her way around the neighborhood.

So, anyway. Yay! I'm glad that she is back, and both cats are currently hiding from the dogs in my office. The have yummy food, fresh water, and a litter box. What more could a cat want on a cold night like tonight.

Posted at 12:13 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Back in chat

November 24, 2003

It's another one of THOSE nights. I promise I'm not as grumpy now as I was this weekend and this morning. Please entertain me with funny stories while I work.

Posted at 6:45 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

More Freeway Blogging

November 24, 2003

The freewayblogger is my latest crush. I got this e-mail from her/him today.

Hey drublood... thought you'd like this latest from the freewayblogger. Unfortunately it's dated material, the first figure's already up (How the fuck do you fight an enemy that can launch rockets from donkeycarts?), but the 2nd figure's still hovering right there around Zero.
Peace Y'all the freewayblogger

And here's the picture:

Posted at 6:35 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

That's how grateful we are.

November 24, 2003

Before I get to the sincere "thank you's":

I want to personally thank governor Perry for wasting our tax dollars on endless special sessions rather than funding the Children's Health Insurance Program my family relies on because I just don't have an extra 300-500 dollars laying around to spend on health insurance for my kids through my employer (and that's with my employer paying half). I got a letter on Friday that indicated I earn too much money to qualify for the program...in part because of the cuts in funding to that program, and in part because I finally got my lowlife husband out of the house. That's lovely. Thanks. I'll be sure to send the bill directly to the governor if we should need to go to the emergency room for any reason before I can find another health insurance alternative. Thanks, governor Perry. I appreciate your weaning me from the teat of the state. My children thank you, too. I'm sure they will grow up and vote republican.

While I'm on the subject, i'd like to thank my darling soon-to-be-ex husband, who responded to the news about his children no longer having healthy insurance by basically telling me he's "just trying to survive" and by alluding to the fact that I have somehow wronged him by officially ending our relationship rather than allowing him to live here without contributing anything positive to the household, other than his part-time involvement with his own children. Thanks, L, for giving me daily reminders that you truly truly are a jackass. Otherwise, I might be feeling like I made some sort of mistake by ending our relationship. I'm sure our children would thank you, too, if I was petty enough to actually tell them you are a lowlife scumbucket who is more interested in punishing me for not putting up with your bullshit than actually helping to maintain the security and the safety of your children. I only hope they learn from your lack of involvement and grow up to be responsible adults out of absolute rebellion against you.

Oh, and thanks also for letting the cat escape. I'm sure you will deny it, but I have no idea how else the cat might have gotten out, since I've made it a point to leave her in my office until she grows used to the hubbub in the house - taking her out a couple of times a day to pet her and assure her that she belongs here. I'm sure you will help me hang the signs that I'm going to have to hang to try to find her. And thanks to whatever well-meaning neighbor has taken in the cat rather than allowing her to return. Because, you know, she's A CAT and she might not make it home OK.

*sigh*

This just in:

Thanks also to the jackass on one of my homeschooling lists who is arguing against the validity and authenticity of Kwanzaa, since it's a holiday that was only invented 30 years ago.

Oh, and...:

Thanks, also, to L for having STILL not complied with the terms of our separation agreement. He has refused to finish cleaning out the back room of the house and the carpet that he absolutely filthified in the time that he was living back there. I WANTED to have Monk's birthday party back there, but it's far too gross, and since he refuses to do it and I don't want Monk to suffer for his sheer idiocy and relentless refusal to do anything resembling taking responsibility for himself and his actions, it's looking like I'm going to have to cough up the money to have it taken care of. That, and the fact that the vacuum cleaner that I bought brand new and have never used has somehow been abused to the point of worthlessness have me really pissed at L right now. That man is at the very top of my shitlist.

Posted at 12:09 PM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

It's Funny...but it really isn't.

November 24, 2003

I have no complaints about Saturday, Saturday was good. Well, aside from the fact that I was blowing my nose every 2 and a quarter seconds, Saturday was really good. A friend of mine treated me to dinner, coffee and conversation. It was nice.

Then came Sunday.

(warning, whining ahead)

Let's just start with a timeline:

around midnight
Finally give up on the idea that I'm going to actually do any housework, and crawl into bed.

5 AM
Monk's dog Bailey scratches at my arm, whining for me to let her out. I kick at Monk, who is sleeping in the bed with us, and tell him he needs to let his dog out. He pretends to be fast asleep. I get up and let the damn dog out so she can bark at random imaginary creatures in the backyard. I call her back in, determind to start crating her at night, as this is the second night in a row she has woken me for some dumb reason in the middle of the night. I gave up waking up in the middle of the night for other beings when Coley night-weaned, and I am NOT going to start again because of a stubborn, disobedient dog. (sorry, I'm a little pissed at this dog right now...for reasons that will be revealed later.)

8 AM
My drippy nose finally gets me out of bed, and I begin going about my day. Things start of inauspiciously enough...the kids are watching PBS, the dogs are playing outside and then begging for food inside and then playing outside. I feel miserable with my stuffy nose, and a little cranky, but otherwise it feels like it's going to be a productive day

9 AM
Monk is watching Arthur and the dogs are laying on the couch.

9:15 AM
I notice an eerie silence falls upon the house. I look at the couch, and the dogs are gone. The back gate is sitting wide open. Fuck.

9:30 AM
The kids are dressed and we all get in the van and start driving around looking for the dogs. I am sure we have lost Spike forever, since he doesn't know where we live and has no identification on him. I start to think that might be OK, when Coley wails "My dog spike is LOST!" I realize that Spike has officially become our dog.

9:35 AM
Bailey is found, sniffing around in someone's yard. I continue to drive around the block.

9:45 AM
I've driven around the block and the adjoining block. I'm certain someone must have picked up spike and Twyla because I know spike can't walk that far, and Twyla ALWAYS gets picked up. I head home.

9:50 AMI'm pulling up in front of my house, and I see a couple with a cute boston terrier on a leash. I start to reminisce about our long-lost spike, and realize it IS spike. I'm half-tempted to ignore them and let them keep the dog, but instead I roll down the window and say "Did you just find that dog?" Yes, they did. They found him running around with a beagle, brought him home, fed him, and then decided that they should take him out for a walk to see if they could find his owner. This basically means that they found him within 10 minutes or so of him getting out of the yard. I know people mean well, I truly do, but I really wish my neighbors would leave well enough alone. I love how no one bothers to catch Bailey, who is a fairly plain-looking dog...but they always manage to get their hands on Twyla, and now spike. I grab spike, thanking them profusely...and spike proceeds to expose my breast to the kind people by getting his paw caught on the neckline of my shirt. Nice. Did I mention I was still in my pajamas?

10 AM
Two dogs in, one to go. I'm not as worried about Twyla, because she has tags...but I AM worried about Twyla because, to be honest (and don't you dare tell the others) she's my favorite. I'm still sneezing, and growing increasingly impatient with my children. I really just want to crawl into bed and stay there all day, but the kids are strangely active, so I go about trying to prepare some breakfast. I make smoothies. Subsequently, both kids become covered in smoothy from head to toe. Coley decides he's done eating his smoothy and proceeds to paint monk's food and the chair with smoothy. There is smoothy everywhere. I throw Coley in the bathtub.

10:15 AM
Some guy from down the street calls. He has Twyla. I explain that I have a child in the bathtub and he kindly offers to bring her over. People are very nice about this. I need to stop complaining about the fact that they pick the dogs up in the first place, because almost always they offer to bring them to me. Sometimes I can be such an ass.

So, anyway, my day proceeds. There is some yelling at the children. I argue with Monk for 30 minutes to try to get him into the tub, and then an hour later, he refuses to get OUT of the tub, so I actually cuss him out which instantly makes me feel guilty and horrible, so I spend some time laying in bed crying my eyes out while Coley sits next to me, patting my back and saying "I'm sorry, mama. I sorry you are crying. I make you HAPPY! I cheer you up!" Which of course only makes me more miserable because, you know, how is it that an evil, bitchy mama like myself deserves such great kids? Monk forgives me, too...and we all end up snuggling in the bed for a little while, which is great, but I'm still cranky as all hell and dripping and sneezing and all of that stuff.

I slowly manage to turn the boat around and get us out the door to the grocery store and into our day's activities. I'm still miserable...all day I'm miserable.

At some point in the day, I got to feeling sorry for myself. I started thinking "Days like today are why children have two parents." I wasn't in the mood to nurture or be touched or answer questions or do anything for anyone else. And as soon as I thought that, about the kids needing two parents, I started to feel like a total failure for not being able to provide that. And then I realized that even when the kids HAD two parents in the house, it wasn't any better. I remembered all of the times that I was under the weather when Steven lived here, and I had to hear "So?" as he shut himself into his back room and played his guitar or slept or played a dumb computer game while I was left alone to take care of the kids. Playing with pain, I think it's called. I remembered how frustrating that was - having to deal not only with my own illness, but with the resentment of having another able-bodied person here who was refusing to do what I was incapable of. And on top of that, having to watch what I said and did for fear of this person's judgment.

As an aside, I still find that I hear the judging voice of L when things go awry here. Like when the dogs escaped, I could almost hear him shaking his head at me - first, because I'm such an idiot for having all of these dogs in the first place...and second, because I'm such an idiot for letting them escape (even though I am not the one who left the gate open). I'm trying to be conscious of where that comes from, and let it pass...but it can catch me off guard at times, and make me feel...self-conscious and ashamed.

At any rate, I think about that point, I drew myself a hot eucalyptus bath and cried my eyes out as I immersed myself in the water. I had this elaborate fantasy about someone coming over and just taking care of me. Without being asked to. Someone who would draw me a batch and clean up my house and go get me some orange juice and some freaking dish detergent when I needed it. I realized that my frustration is valid. Not that my expressions of anger earlier in the day were acceptable - they were not, and I had already apologized to the children for allowing myself to get out of control. But it is valid that I get frustrated and angry. I just need to acknowledge it more quickly and act in a way that will protect my children from my anger. They are not the cause of the frustration, even when they are doing frustrating things.

I think it's funny, but it's not...that I don't have sex fantasies. Instead, I fantasize about someone just...being selfless towards me. I mean, sure...there are plenty of people who do selfless acts for me. I'm so amazed by the support I have gotten. I appreciate it so very much. And I do attempt to pay it forward whenever I have the opportunity. And/but I think I am realizing that the most important element in my marriage that was missing was the selflessness. Just about anything that L did was self-serving. And yet he expected selflessness from me.

And I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I do believe that all acts of kindness are rewarded, and frequently are their own reward...so it was so easy for him to extract kindness out of me. And yet...he was always complaining that I was selfish, mean, and demanding. I know these things aren't true, and it's best that I ignore them...and that it's pointless to try to make sense out of anything L did, because there was no sense to it.

Anyway, after bitching about my day in my livejournal, the kids and I watched some videos, and we all went to bed early. This morning started off badly because the dogs once again got out the back gate, which must have blown open in the night. I was watching them when they got out, too. Twyla, the DEAF dog, actually came back when I called (signalled) her (which is HUGE for her, because there were Other Dogs in the field across the street, and she LOVES to play with other dogs. Spike never even left the yard, but Bailey took off and totally ignored my calls and just really pissed me off. I'm STILL mad at that dog.

I need to bungie that gate shut so I don't have to worry about it anymore. And I need to go drink some coffee and pretend like the mad dog goose chase didn't happen again this morning.

I hope you are all doing well. I don't really celebrate Thanksgiving, but I think it's time for me to focus on some people/events/things that I am thankful for at this point in my life. More positive posts forthcoming...And some ranting, too.

Posted at 8:26 AM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

soccer mommy

November 21, 2003

Coley just looked at me and exclaimed:

"Hey, you look like a soccer mommy!"

Posted at 9:37 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Excess Doggage.

November 20, 2003

(click to make it bigger)

While I was away, the children named the dog spike. Cole says "Spike, for SpyKids 3-D"

And here you can see why Cole's other name for him is "Dude, put your clothes on!"

Posted at 10:16 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Spawn of Another night of sitting in chat

November 20, 2003

Why don't you join me? I have lots of fun stuff to talk about.

I'll be helping a friend set up a blog, but I will also be in chat. Things were hopping last night after bedtime...you should join us.

Posted at 7:14 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

What I left behind.

November 20, 2003

I finally had to just leave the house. New dog was desperately attempting to score off of one of the female dogs, who were clearly not interested in his advances. Twyla just thought he was playing, so they had a grand old time of playing a game where newdog was trying to get into position at the back end of Twyla, and Twyla was just whirling and crouching and playing with newdog. It was funny, yet tragic, to watch.

Bailey, on the other hand, will have nothing of it. Poor Bailey keeps trying to sit down to keep newdog from sniffing her ass, but I think newdog considers that some kind of invitation to mount - and it ends up in teeth and a tizzy. I don't blame Bailey, and I'm hoping new dog turns down the hump machine a bit before someone get hurt. On the other hand, one well-aimed bite might save me a lot of money on neutering the dog if I can't find his owner.

OK, look. I know it's crazy to even consider the possibility of keeping this dog, but ya gotta see his face! I can't just let him roam the streets humping strange dogs and eating out of the trash! Maybe someone will call and retrieve him after I put the flyers up tomorrow. So far, it's been no dice on the owner finding tip. He's not microchipped, and no one has put in a search for him at the Town Lake Animal Center.

I'm very thankful that I got that freecycled bag of dog food over the weekend. At least I know I'm not spending anything extra. Maybe I'll even get a reward.

I left him with L, commenting that I knew dogsitting wasn't in the deal, but if he gets tired of referree-ing, he can just crate one of them for awhile. I'm hoping Bailey and newdog will come to some sort of resolution on the issue before I get home.

On the bright side, the two times newdog tried to jump on the table, he responded immediately to my stern "down" command. I'm hoping he's at least housebroken.

***

In other news, I'm considering changing the heading on my paypal cube to read "My husband refuses to pay child support, will you help me feed and clothe his children?" Would that be considered vindictive?

Posted at 5:21 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Pet Kharma

November 20, 2003

So, yesterday I was complaining about my damn dogs...and what happens? I go to the damn park and end up coming home with a stray boston terrier who was wandering around frightening the children (apparently everyone thought he was a pit bull? i mean, come ON...the dog weighs like 16 pounds or less.)

He's an intact brindle male, and he gets along with my dogs and kids just great...I'm hoping I can find his owner soon, because his ugly little face is starting to grow on me. I'll post a picture as soon as I can charge up the battery on the camera. Basically, he looks like a gremlin mixed with a wombat.

Anyway, what is the deal with me and pets this past year? I don't get it. But I guess I can't just let this little guy wander around being all horny and spermy and stuff. Damn, he sure is cute. Heheh.

Posted at 3:38 PM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

stories

November 20, 2003

On the bus yesterday, I got to thinking about all of my stories. Being that it's nearing the end of NaNoWriMo, I of course am just now feeling the urge to work on the novel some more. Maybe it's the time of year, but all of the stories from my life at the time the novel is set keep popping into my head. Here are some snippets for your enjoyment:

finding and buying a black mylar balloon that said "We Mourn The Passing Of Your Youth" with a picture of a tombstone on it that said "RIP Youth" - because when I first saw it, I thought they were actually selling funeral balloons and even after I figured out it was a gag birthday balloon, it still looked cool on my wall under my sisters of mercy poster.
playing in the rain on the rooftop of my apartment building in Chicago. My friend A was kicking heroin, and my other fried G and I were trying to keep her occupied. We spent about 24 hours together playing in the rain, going for walks, and babysitting. We ended up on Belmont shore throwing the flowers we had gathered on our walk into the lake, which was producing actual waves that night, due to the rain and the wind. If I close my eyes, I can clearly see one white flower drifting out over the waves towards the horizon, slowly.
Coming home after having worked a double shift, feeling TOTALLY exhausted, and my friends Dave and Rita blocking the way to my bedroom and crawling all over me saying "you are neeeeverrrrrrr going to sleeeeeeeeep agaaaaaaaaaaaain." Until I totally wigged out and curled up into a little ball on the dining room floor, laughing as hysterically as I could with absolutely no energy left in my body.
Having my friend S shave my head in the bathroom of my high school during lunch hour.
playing softball on the JV team wearing full goth makeup and sporting a giant diagonal mohawk. I had to wear a batter's helmet because it was fast pitch, but when I took the helmet off, my hair would spring right back up.
Getting my tattoo - and the tattoo artist having to stop frequently to tell me to stop laughing so hard while he was trying to do the detailing.
Being recognized around the city of Chicago at random odd intervals as "the Kinko's lady." (as in, I'm shopping at a grocery store in the middle of the night, and some guy points at me and yells out "Look! It's the Kinko's lady!" This happened frequently.)
various road trips to Indiana to procure fireworks.
My stupid roommates and their indoor bb gun fights. Also, the fact that they use to shoot their bb guns out of the windows to freak out pedestrians. And the fact that when we moved, the stupid little bb's were EVERYWHERE in our apartment, including my underwear drawer.

There's much much more. There are so many scenes from my life that seem almost movie-like in quality. I'm wondering if this is true in everyone's lives.

So...tell me YOUR movie moments!

Posted at 10:49 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

In case you didn't hear about this on Fox News

November 19, 2003

"I'm ashamed to be British. I'm ashamed Tony Blair and the Queen are entertaining this megalomaniac," said Cherry Bennet, 40, a scriptwriter from London.
"I'm not a mad left-winger," she added. "I'm middle England."

Colorful Cavalcade Protests Bush's Britain Visit

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Minor Threat

November 19, 2003

Is there anything cuter than a kid wearing punk rock gear?

Coley has long outgrown this jacket, and I don't think the sticker will survive a transplant. So if anyone has a minor threat sticker they want to send to me for his next winter coat, please let me know.

This picture is totally going to be a major part of the re-design, when it happens.

Posted at 1:05 PM • Comments (8) • TrackBack

Damn Dogs

November 19, 2003

We were out for three hours today, and before I left, I made it a point to push all of the dishes to the back of the counter.

When we came home, the tablecloth was on the floor, a wooden spoon was entirely chewed up, and there were several dishes on the floor, including my favorite coffee mug, which was broken.

I've decided that Bailey is the culprit. So I'm crating Bailey whenever we leave the house from now on.

Fucking dogs. We were having a perfect day until just now. I'm so angry. I have no idea how they are getting up onto the counters to do this, but I'm hoping keeping them separated when I leave will put a stop to it.

P.S. The snow day was a blast! I'll post pictures later.

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Snow Day!

November 19, 2003

In about 15 minutes, we will be leaving the house so we can play in the snow at Chaparral Ice skating rink. One of the moms in the homeschool field trip co-op came up with this one, and my kids are so freaking excited about it, it's not even funny. For educational purposes, they will also get a 15-minute tour of the facilities, but most of their time will be spent playing in the fake snow (scroll down the page to where it says "snow parks" for more information) with shovels and buckets and whatever else we can find around the house that looks snow-worthy.

Snowball fight, anyone?

Posted at 9:00 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Hooray!

November 18, 2003

I got a haircut today. Woo woo! This morning, when I pulled my hair down from the eternal bun I wear it in, I decided I had had it. I'm so tired of brushing huge dreaded snarls out of the ends of my hair. I'm tired of plucking huge clumps of hair out of the bathtub after every shower. I'm sick of having to wear my hair in a bun, because if I leave it down, the curly tips flair out at the bottom, and make my head look vaguely triangular.

So, when I got to my friend's house for playgroup, I demanded she cut it. And she complied. mwahahahaha. It's a good thing I only use my intense powers of persuasion for good and never for evil.

At any rate, Kate did a great job, and my head feels about 20 pounds lighter, and even though it looks good down, I put it up into two little pony tails, and I like it a lot. And I didn't have to pay a cent for it, although I will probably find a way to repay her. Somehow.

Hooray for DIY haircuts. Hooray for brave friends who will do them.

Hooray also (yet again) for freecycling. Thanks to a kind person with a food-allergic dog, I scored a twenty pound bag of primo dog food the other day. Free. That'll keep the pups fed for about 2 or 3 weeks at least. I am a total freecylevangelist, so if you have not poked around to see if there's a freecycle list in your area, you should do so.

And hooray for Poe the cat, who really does seem to be the only pet in the house who doesn't stress me out. Today, when I arrived home from playgroup, I discovered that the dogs had once again knocked several dishes and pots and pans off of the COUNTER and STOVE on to the floor. I have no idea how they are doing this, and I swear I am envisioning the beagle standing on the back of the boxer to pull off some of these crumb-snatching stunts. It's really pissing me off - between this and the toy-chewing...I might have to start crating the damn dogs when I go out, which kind of nixes the whole dogs-as-security-system idea. Butanyway...as I was attempting to not be pissed about that, poe jumped out from her secret hiding spot and came and sat on my lap, purring. She's totally silky smooth and so sweet that I was able to sit for like 10 minutes and just relax with her in my lap...just hanging out. Hooray!

So, it's been a relatively good day, even though Monk was really grouchy with me when I picked him up from craft class. I'm hoping I didn't ruin his already fragile ego by being bitchy with him about painting our magic wands the other day. I was going all weird on him because he was getting black paint on the white ends of the wands, and I really hurt his feelings. I've been apologizing ever since, but I don't think the apologies are working, so what I really need to do is find a craft project that we can do together...that he will enjoy...that I won't get all freaked out and perfectionist about. Maybe it's time to do our salt relief map of Ancient Egypt. That might be the answer.

Anyway, here I am now at work. I guess I should actually try to start getting some work done. I hope yr having a good day.

Posted at 5:09 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Lessons

November 18, 2003

Yesterday, I learned two things:

1 - When someone does something (or does not do something) for reasons unknown to me...it is NOT always about me.

2 - There is such a thing as "food privilege." It's pretty much the same thing as class privilege, but it manifests itself in someone (namely me) talking about certain unappealing foods that others might have no choice but to eat. And I should learn to keep my big mouth shut.

Posted at 9:13 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

You see what I gotta put up with?

November 17, 2003

Before i left for work, I had this conversation with Monk:

Monk: Mom, what does "last" mean? It's not in my vocabulary
Mama: The word "last"? As in, final?
Monk: Yeah. That's not in my vocabulary.
Pause
Mama: Wait a minute...how is it that the word "last" is not in your vocabulary, but the word "vocabulary" is in your vocabulary?
monk: Well, the word "vocabulary" isn't in my vocabulary, either.
Mama: *laughs*

That kid is really too much.

Posted at 4:31 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Non-Sequitor?

November 17, 2003

mom: Cole, would you like a new diaper?
cole: No, I want a banana.

Posted at 9:05 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Maude help us all.

November 17, 2003

Monk has discovered Calvin and Hobbes.

PS...was blogrolling hacked or something? Or is it just my account?

Posted at 8:41 AM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

Door to door cat delivery service

November 16, 2003

Last Sunday, my cat Funnyface died. We were prepared for her passing. She was old, and had spent the last month of her life basically slowly crossing over.

Yesterday, as I was cleaning out my e-mail box as I do every Saturday, I saw a posting on one of my homeschool lists about a cat needing a home. I responded.

Today, the kind woman who posted about the cat brought her right to my house. The boys were SO excited. This cat seems very sweet and mellow, and she's up to date on all of her shots and is spayed (which is important to me in my current financial state.) She's also gorgeous.

We tried to think of names for her. Monk suggested we name her (myrealname) the cat. Cole suggested that we name her peanut butter and jelly sandwich. We tried variations of pbj like pb and bj. I suggested Stella, Monk wanted Ella, but we have a friend named Ella, and I thought that might be a little inappropriate. Plus our other cat is bela, and that's a little too cutesy for me.

Suddenly, Monk came up with P.O.E. which are initials for a concept that I'm not allowed to tell anyone Monk actually might believe in because his reputation as a war-obsessed, hippy-hating seven year old might be in jeopardy if I told you. So, our new cat is named Poe...which I feel is a name that befits her.

So, say hi to Poe, our new feline family member.

Click to make it grow.

Posted at 12:58 PM • Comments (11) • TrackBack

Anyone but a politician...in '04

November 16, 2003

Despite the best efforts of our doctrinal leaders, the moral sentiments of the people are not entirely corrupted. Consumers, for example, are prepared to pay a premium of they can be assured they are buying products not made in sweatshops. And third-world countries need not survive only under the sweatshop conditions ("tremendous good news") praised by Krugman and his colleague at the Times, Nicholas Kristof. They have to be permitted to return to the somewhat protected conditions encouraged in the development policies of an earlier era, without agencies of the US government decreeing that their reformers and their union organizers be murdered by death squads.
I'm sorry, but you won't be hearing these ideas from Howard Dean.

Alexander Cockburn: Clintontime: Was It Really a Golden Age?

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Thank You.

November 16, 2003

To all who will be attending the direct action against the ftaa.

Posted at 10:30 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Sitting in chat, Day 3

November 15, 2003

I'm at work doing a ton and a half of really boring phone calls and data (re)entry and various other not so fun things, so I will have my chat window open all night in hopes that someone can entertain me by telling me funny stories or something. I'll also be on AIM (screen name: lgbdozer). I can't guarantee that I will be able to contribute to the conversation, but...

Here I am now. Entertain me.

Posted at 12:17 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Un-be-fucking-lievable.

November 14, 2003

It's amazing what I hear on the "news" these days. I spent the day today running errands and was just totally in awe of the ridiculousness of what passes for news reporting today - and even what passes for editorial, based on ill-founded bullshit and outright intolerance and hatred for anything but the good old fashioned american way (it's amazing, for instance, how the word "socialist" is assumed to be insulting and left at that. And how freely people bandy about the claim that some people in this country "don't pay any taxes.")

But I just heard the mother of all unbelievable bullshit on Fox News about 5 minutes ago. I was listening out of the corner of my ear and the smiling newslady was reporting about how women who have their second child with a different father are more likely to have low-birthweight babies the second time around. Certainly, this is an important study sponsored by a reputable non-religious foundation...but I could find no trace of this study in my quick search of the internet. The report took up all of 2 minutes in the news broadcast and as if the study itself wasn't ridiculous enough, the story was capped with the line "scientists are not sure about the cause of the discrepancy, but it's believed to be caused by lifestyle factors."

Fuck ME.

Um, hello? This is what passes for science these days? Wouldn't a proper study use control groups based on lifestyle? And what, exactly, was the purpose of this study? Were the "scientists" trying to make a point about the importance of fidelity? How is "low birth-weight" defined? If there was no control to factor out "lifestyle choices" (because, we ALL know that women who have children with more than one father are all pathetic, drug-addicted, whores!) how are we to believe there was no control to factor for normal weight variance in second children...

I'd love to research all of this, but I'm too busy seething to do anything about it right now. I'll probably rant a bit tonight with my mama friends and maybe look into more statistics tomorrow...but if anyone knows what this study is about and why it's considered newsworthy, please enlighten me.

Well, lookie, lookie - here's a more scientific (read: less faux-morally superior) explanation for variance in birthweight):

PREECLAMPSIA is a transient but potentially dangerous complication of pregnancy thataffects 3 to 5 percent of pregnant women. Although the causes of preeclampsia remainuncertain, epidemiologic features of the conditionhave led to speculation about immunologic causes. The risk of preeclampsia is at least twice as high during first pregnancies as during second or later pregnancies. Recent studies have suggested that the risk may decrease with a second pregnancy only if themother's partner is the same. The hypothesis is thatthe risk of preeclampsia may be reduced with repeatedmaternal exposure and adaptation to specific foreignantigens of the partner. According to this hypothesis, a new partner presents new antigens, which resultsin a risk of preeclampsia that is similar to the risk dur-ing a first pregnancy. However, it is also possible thatthe increased risk of preeclampsia associated with achange of partner might be attributable to a longerinterval since the previous delivery, which may alsoincrease the risk of preeclampsia.

Journalistic irresponsibility, anyone? Fuck rates of low-birthweight babies - I want to know the rate of truthful information compared to lies and misinformation reported on Fox News.

Posted at 5:54 PM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

Giving and Receiving, Part 2

November 14, 2003

Yesterday, I received in the mail a card from my sister - the sister I have chosen to not speak to for the past few years. I was afraid to open it, because the last three efforts she has made at communicating with me have been all about calling me a selfish bitch and cussing me out.

Curiosity got the better of me.

The card contained a short note and a gift certificate from Whole Foods for a significant amount of money. Too much for me to really refuse.

However, here's the deal. I feel like money has been used in our relationship before to perpetuate this weird power/control dynamic. The last time we made amends, she flew me to Chicago after Cole was born so I could spend my first 3 months post-partum in relative peace at my mother's house as opposed to here in Austin with L, who had broken up with me, but refused to leave the house.

It was a very nice gesture, but the end result was the same. We ended up in the same old power struggle where she refused to acknowledge my boundaries and continually interacted with me in ways that were unhealthy and manipulative. Which is pretty much the way I observe her interacting with just about everyone - but it seems like other people have different boundaries than me and are able to accept it or ignore it more easily than I am.

Anyway, the whole thing ended with me actually becoming estranged from my mother, who, in her efforts to force me and my sister to get along, ended up and invalidating my feelings about events in the past that I feel inform my present relatationship with my sister. Basically, my mother told me that I was acting out towards my sister because I wanted attention - when just about everyone in the family knows that my sister does not communicate in healthy ways. I guess I was tired of bearing the brunt of the blame for my sister's inability to interact with me in an acceptable way, so I stopped talking to my mom.

I was stressed. It was too much to deal with my problems with L (which have been evident in my life, on and off and in varying degrees, for the past 6 years or so) in addition to my difficulty relating to K (my sister) and then being judged by my mother on top of everything else. It was too much for me, so I withdrew from everyone. This is what drew the nasty phone calls and letters from my sister, and it actually caused a rift between me and my brother J - who actually said "If I have to choose between you and mom, I will choose mom." I never asked him to make that choice. I wasn't even the one who informed him of the problems. But he made that choice anyway, and I haven't really spoken to him in about a year (although I plan to).

When I withdrew, I made it clear to my mom that I didn't intend to NEVER speak to her again. I mailed her a card that said I had a lot of things to think about and figure out, and that I needed to do it without her influence.

Since I withdrew, I have somewhat come to terms with the fact that my mother neglected me when I was a child. It hurts to type that. I was abused by my brothers and sisters due to her neglect. The problem is that my other family members seemed to stop abusing me as they got older and realized that what they were doing was wrong (which was something that should have been enforced externally - from my mother - as we were growing up...and eventually instead became enforced internally) and my sister K seemed to become MORE abusive in a less overt and more insidious way as we grew older.

In fact, as of the last time I had any contact with her, I felt like K was abusive to her boyfriend and her children, as well. Overly-critical, inconsistently ill-tempered, seemingly annoyed by their presence all the time. And I would be extremely surprised if her eldest son does not end up with a serious eating disorder.

So...then there's this gift card.

And this unspoken offer of...what? Reconciliation?

The problem is that I'm a sucker for forgiveness. I have forgiven L about a trillion times in the time we have been together. There have been many times when I should not have forgiven him, but I have forgiven him anyway. And the pull to forgive my sister is strong. She has good qualities. She can be caring. She can be generous. She can be funny. She can be kind.

But she also can turn on a dime and go the other way. I've seen her do it. That's the quality which makes me fear for her children and anyone else who is involved with her.

But I also know that people change. I know that she is getting married in January. I know that she has been in therapy (although she was in therapy when I was there last, and that was when she was the worst she has ever been).

And then, again, she has not spoken a word about what it is that we should be forgiving. She hasn't mentioned her anger towards me. She hasn't discussed why I might be angry with her. She is just offering this gift as a peace offering, but the gift itself is somewhat descriptive of the problems that we have.

When I was in therapy, my counselor encouraged me to accept the help that my mother was offering. She told me that perhaps my mom was attempting to help me now in ways that she was unable or unwilling to help me when I was little. She's trying to protect the grown-up me the way she could not protect the little me. And that I should accept that help in the spirit it is being offered.

I know that my sister has significantly more financial security than my mother, and I'm certain that if I were to ask my sister for help with getting the divorce or fixing up the house or just about anything, she would provide whatever I need.

But I also know that would make me feel dirty and gross...because I have no desire right now to have a relationship with my sister - especially not one in which there is an imbalance of power and dependence - unless I know for sure that she will at least attempt to acknowledge my boundaries.

So, while I know I'm going to use the gift certificate she sent (most likely to fund Monk's birthday party)...I'm not sure how to respond to it. Perhaps I will have Monk write her a thank you card. I don't know.

I do know that I can't go through what I'm going through right now and pile the issues with my sister on top of everything else. It's too fucking much. It would be nice if I could just put the past behind me and ask her for financial help, but I tried to do that once, sincerely believing we could reconcile our differences, and I ended up feeling abused and on top of that feeling like everyone in the family thought I used my sister for her money or whatever. In fact, a common family theme is "you only talk to me when you want something" not just directed towards me, but I've heard it said about just about every family member.

I might just drive myself crazy turning this over and over in my head...but I think instead I will step away from the computer and engage my brain in some mindless activity like cleaning or dancing or something to disconnect a bit. It helped to write that all down.

I hope everyone has a good day and a nice weekend.

Posted at 9:51 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Giving and Receiving, part one.

November 13, 2003

I've become hooked on freecycling. We have a list here in Austin, and it's all about giving away things that you don't need and asking for things that you do need...and receiving them. I have so far freecycled a vacuum cleaner (which I asked for, and have not yet picked up) and a two-seater bike trailer (which was offered, and I have also not yet picked up). But even more than the things that I have actively requested and received is just the general good vibe of seeing other people making requests and receiving items - and making offers and giving items away. It's a good thing. It's a very good thing.

It's kind of like the anti-e-bay, if you think about it. I know e-bay is good supplemental income for a lot of people out there, and can be used in the spirit of thriftscoring. At the same time, there is so much crap on e-bay that is totally overpriced and not really worthwhile. At least stuff that I'm looking for tends to be that way.

So I have - or will have - my much-needed vacuum cleaner, and as well as an oft-dreamed-of bike trailer (now I need to fix up my bike!) thanks to freecycle. I'm probably going to put out a request for some paint and some cork board in the near future. Someone offered carpeting, and I have considered taking them up on the offer, but I'm not sure if I will have time to install it anytime soon, so I kind of want to wait and see if someone else takes it. At some point, I am going to dig through my closets and figure out what I can freecycle. I know I have some things that are just taking up space that I can probably get rid of. Things that would be too much of a hassle to try to sell. Things I might want to release to someone who truly needs them and truly can't afford them - like the silver rhinestone tiara that was offered the other day specifically for a bride-to-be who didn't have enough money to buy fancy accessories.

It's nice to receive. It's nice to give. And it's nice to see giving and receiving happening.

Posted at 11:01 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

"honor the warrior, not the war."

November 13, 2003

Well, this just sickens me.

Members of Veterans For Peace and Vietnam Veterans Against the War were yanked off a downtown Tallahassee street, directly in front of the Old Capitol, while marching in the holiday parade they had legitimately registered in.
As organizers allowed the parade to roll on -- including veterans from various wars, several high school marching bands and even a group of young women from the local Hooters restaurant -- the anti-war veterans were ordered onto sidewalks where they passed out leaflets and displayed a banner reading, "Honor the Warrior, Not the War."

What did the opposition have to say about their fellow anti-war veterans?

"We don't care where they are, as long as they're somewhere else," said Charles LeCroy, an Air Force personnel superintendent in Vietnam and second vice commander of American Legion Post 13 in Tallahassee. "It's disrespectful, that's what it is, and I just can't stomach or tolerate or conceive of it."

[link courtesy of ampersand]

What the fuck is up with people. Today on NPR I actually heard someone from our military (I'm not sure who, and I can't look up the archive right now due to weird computer problems) refer to the last day of Ramadan as "a celebration, or whatever they call it" in a very us vs. them kind of way that sounded completely inappropriate to me. It was in reference to the violence which is anticipated to occur on the final day of Ramadan, and the word "they" was spat out as if it left a bad taste in this person's mouth. I'll have to find the archive and listen again to figure out who it was.

I'm really discouraged by what I am hearing lately about the occupation, about the resentments over there. I'm sick of the whitewash. I'm tired of the endless justifications - yesterday I actually heard a right wing radio host say something like "the fact that there is an uprising against the occupation proves that we are doing our job." What the fuck? So, wait...if they kill us, it means that we have "achieved success"...and if they DON'T kill us...it means that we have "achieved success."

Well, alright then. Drinks all around. Let the death count rise. Damn the consequences. Mission accomplished. Bring it on.

Posted at 6:22 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Hope.

November 13, 2003

Thanks to Aaron for linking up this article/review of the Studs Terkel book about Hope and Activism, Hope Dies Last.

I was having a conversation yesterday at the park with some mama friends of mine about the state of affairs and current events - and I felt myself losing hope. So I really needed to read this article, and, evidently, I need to read this Terkel book as soon as I can. Until I can actually get it out of the library (or until some kindly reader buys it off my wish list), I will just repeat this section over and over again in my head:

Hope has never trickled down. It has always sprung up. That's what Jessie de la Cruz meant when she said, "I feel there's gonna be a change, but we're the ones gonna do it, not the government. With us, there's a saying, 'La esperanza muere ultima. Hope dies last.' You can't lose hope. If you lose hope, you lose everything."

Thanks, Aaron.

Posted at 9:45 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

When will I learn to just turn it off.

November 13, 2003

I am painfully addicted to late night television. It's my dirty little "after the kids go to bed" secret that I instantly pop on the TV and watch endless hours of Seinfeld and King of the Hill. And I can't seem to stop, even though it really blows any chance I have of eliminating writer's block and/or reading a book. I am able to managed to clean up the house during commercials, but I'm sure I would get a lot more done if I just turned the damn thing off completely. I really need to just stop.

But I do have one question for those of you who are actually able to watch prime time television. Does Eliza Dushku from that show "Tru Calling" EVER completely close her mouth? Because on ALL of the commercials, it's just hanging open for no good reason. Maybe it's sexy or something. I don't know. But I am really quite sincerely dying to know if she ever actually closes it.

Perhaps once I am able to solve this mystery, I will be released from the ill-charmed grasp of the television. Please. Save me.

Posted at 8:50 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Real soldiers are dying in their hummers, so you can play soldier in yours.

November 12, 2003

This site is...just...wow.

(I totally stole the link from the randomwalks folks, but I just couldn't help myself.)

Posted at 9:27 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Clean Slate

November 11, 2003

It's tempting to leave this page blank like that for awhile.And, considering I don't really feel like I have anything of import to say right now, perhaps I should. But I'm sort of neurotic about leaving things blank. The air around me is constantly reverberating. I need sound and motion and movement and words. I crave words. And I haven't been reading or writing a whole lot of them lately, so I will let them fall here, and see what happens.

I wish I could say that I'm feeling refreshed and full of life after my break from the blog. I am not. I'm facing still more potentially life-altering and frightening changes which, as of yet, have not been thorougly explained to me. There's a nebulous black cloud hanging over my job that I can not quite define and has not been defined for me. So, I'm waiting. Trying not to worry. Trying not to panic. Trying to figure out all of my options. Trying to be patient. Trying not to focus on the worst case scenario. Trying not to be overly-optimistic.

There's a part of me that feels like I have set myself up to fail. That by not doing what everyone assumed I would and should do at certain stages of my life...by choosing my own path...I am somehow more accountable for my current situation (and all of this uncertainty) more than I would be if I had followed a more conventional path. Perhaps this is so. I don't know, but it certainly makes me feel more vulnerable.

Lately, I do a lot of welling up when I look at my children. They are so awesome. I wish I could do them justice in words. I cannot. All I can say is that Coley keeps running up to me with big 3 year old hugs and kisses and saying "I love you, mommy." and Monk does the same with his more reserved 6 year old hugs (no kisses! that would be YUCKY!) They deserve the best, and I frequently feel as though they get pretty damn close to the best, but it can be hard to not let "the best" become defined as "the most" - it can be hard to consider their intangible needs and desires that are being fulfilled rather than the tangible ones that are frequently left unfullfilled. I found myself today breathing a sigh of relief when Coley ate and enjoyed a bowl of lentil soup anyway, after he initially refused to touch it. I need for them to enjoy what I can offer them, and homemade lentil soup is one of those things that I need for them to not just eat because it's good for you and it's all we can afford, but also because I made it and I want them to like it.

I'm not sure if I'm making any sense. I am doing that a lot lately - thinking or writing or saying things and then wondering if what I am offering makes any sense to anyone at all. I don't think I'm a lonely voice calling in the wilderness or anything as pathetic as that, but I am lately having difficulty believing that I am being fully understood by anyone. I think it probably comes from realizing that the person who, for years and years, I thought knew me better than anyone else...really doesn't know jack shit about who I am. And it makes it difficult to accept that people who have been here for me lately, and who I've known for months or even a few years could know anything either.

Whatever. I haven't been sitting around all week moping. Maybe there has been a little moping, but mostly I've been getting my house in order. Getting my finances in order. Listening to the news. Getting angry, getting really fucking sad, getting overjoyed a time or two - although not as much as I would like...not as much as I feel the universe deserves.

Events have occurred:

My cat died. I buried her. We mourned.

The class I was teaching ended. We had a party. We celebrated.

The kids have grown.

The dogs have been playing a lot.

Monk had a lesson in fractions today that I think went really well.

L continues to be cold and uncommunicative to me, even though I'm really ready to start communicating with him on a co-parenting level and not on a game-playing, controlling level.

But, overall, everything seems really flat right now. It's the whole "waiting for something to happen" syndrome that tends to overcome me. Maybe it's the eye of the storm. I feel like I should be on the other side by now. I don't have enough patience. I'm biting my fingernails and waiting. Waiting.

I do know that at some point in the next month, and old, dear friend will be blowing into town. I believe this is going to be the event that causes me to snap back into life with a bit more intensity. Perhaps I'll manage to do it on my own before then, but I am certain that if I don't, J will. Already, I'm receiving e-mails from her as she makes various stops on her journey from Alaska, and she draws nearer and nearer with each e-mail. That makes me smile.

So, there are Things To Look Forward To, and definitely always Things To Do. I have gotten many things done in the past week or so that needed doing, not the least of which was setting a very definite budget for myself and constantly reassuring myself that I have Enough. Enough money, enough love, enough patience, enough everything I need to get through these very hard times and emerge.

Thanks for listening.

Posted at 5:09 PM • Comments (12) • TrackBack

Blah

November 4, 2003

I cannot seem to bring myself to post here right now. I don't know if this is a temporary block or what, but I'm hyper conscious of the publicness of this space, and it's making me feel...weird all of a sudden. So, I dunno. All I know is that I have been spending hours typing huge posts and then deleting them intentionally. And that's just not very productive. So I'm going to take a break for a little while and gather my wits. It might take an hour, it might take a day...it might take a week.

Until then, take care...

Posted at 12:18 PM • Comments (11) • TrackBack

Halloween Recap

November 3, 2003

I haven't posted much all weekend. It was all kind of a blur, and I didn't have the time or the energy to sit down and write it all down, even though I kind of wanted to. So, now I'm not even sure how exciting this will read to anyone. It wasn't a very exciting weekend - just a very tiring one, but a good one nonetheless. I'm hoping I will be able to channel my thoughts over the constant racket of coley talking and talking and talking and the damn dog barking and barking and barking. Damnit. I know it sounds bitchy, but if the child could go for 15 minutes without talking and if the dog could go 5 minutes without barking, my world would be a lot less stressful.

Anyway...On Friday, I went out for most of the afternoon. I can't even really remember what all I did. I think I had some pizza at Conan's, and then I went to Flightpath and answered all of my e-mail. It wasn't incredibly exciting, but I wasn't really looking for excitement, more relaxation and caffeination. Before I left, Monk had indicated that he preferred to go trick or treating with his papa, but of course L found a way out of it, so when I came home, I was informed that Monk would be trick or treating with me and cole and L took off immediately.

I felt instantly frustrated that here I was in charge of getting both kids ready for trick or treating and that Monk had been talked out of his desire to hang out with his papa on Halloween. I'm feeling like L will do anything to get out of watching the kids, even if it's the kids rather than me who want him to do it. Like he refuses to do anything that will make things easier for me, even if it will also make things better for the kids. And this frustrates me especially because I can't imagine approaching things that way. If I were to approach things the way L approaches them, he wouldn't see them unless they met at the playground and stayed there the entire time L was with them, because it truly is a burden and an inconvenience to allow L to take care of them in my house every day. And I would lock up all of the food because it's a financial burden to allow him to eat my food while he's here. And I wouldn't give a fuck if he missed his damn bus, because it's a burden for me to get home at the time I get home. I do all of these things to make things go smoothly for my children, and they also benefit L tremendously, but he doesn't/won't see it because he's a jackass. And you can bet that if I didn't have to work and the kids indicated that they needed me to be present for something and especially if I was only spending 40 freaking hours a week with them, I would at least attempt to spend some time accommodating them.

But then, I'm not a selfish ass.

I'm afraid I have temporarily abandoned restraint when it comes to calling L a jackass on my blog, but right now he really deserves it. He refused to carve pumpkins with them, wouldn't prepare their costumes...and I got Monk a bike for free, and I'm kind of assuming that he's going to refuse to do the necessary repairs to make it ridable. All of this because he doesn't want to "do things for me." And all of this says to me that either he'd rather be a substandard father than even attempt to make things easier for me, or he really IS a substandard father, and he's using his desire to make my life more difficult (I'm assuming in his mind he's thinking he's "making me do my job" - as if I don't already do enough) to sort of mask the fact that he's really not up for the task anyway.

While I'm on the subject, I'm really growing very resentful of the fact that he's not planning to pay any child support. He hasn't yet, and he doesn't have a steady job, so I'm not sure when or if he will in the future. The more I think about this, the more fucked it is. I can't even imagine being able to choose what jobs I want to take...and being able to choose not earning any money at all...now that I have children. You can't fucking do that! L, if you are reading this, wake the fuck up! You are a parent for fuck's sake. Taking the kids out to dinner once or twice a week doesn't count as financially supporting them. You need to pay for their way. You need to pay for their food, their housing, their clothing AND their incidentals JUST LIKE I DO. Gah. I don't give a fuck if you are "mad at me" for whatever reason, and don't want to give me money for fear that I will...what? What exactly do you think I will spend the money on? Do you think I might go on a tofu binge or something? Exactly what would I spend your fucking money on that wouldn't benefit the kids? A new COUCH, perhaps? Some rugs for the living room? New carpet for their playroom? Paint for Monk's room? Yeah...all of these desires I have to fix up the house are just so DAMN selfish. Snap out of your weird revenge fantasy world and pony up your share of the obligatory parental financial support, asshole. My impression of you worsens each and every day I have to deal with your smarmy idiocy.

phew. Sorry about that. I have been holding that in all weekend, I think. I just really wish someone would let him have it and tell him what an ass he is being TO HIS CHILDREN by not helping out financially. Evidently, he feels that watching them while I am at work is all that is required of him to qualify for father-of-the-year. He's such a hero for actually spending time with his kids on a daily basis that somehow just having him in our life is enough to compensate for the unpaid bills and the house falling down around our ears.

I better stop because my fingers are just typing the most heinous insults and I keep erasing them.

At any rate, L left, and I set to work getting the kids ready for our tricks or treats. The plan was that M and her son P would meet up with us and we would all walk over to pick up K, Monk's friend, who would then trick or treat with us back to our house, where we would watch a movie and eat some pizza.

M was a bit slow getting ready, and the kids were unruly and I was disproportionally agitated with her because that's how I get when people are late, especially when their being late causes me to be late for something. But I managed to contain my frustration, knowing full well that my frustration is more about me being a freak than anyone else being intentionally annoying, and when M called, I set out to meet up with her somewhere between her house and mine.

Coincidentally, we happened to meet up almost directly across the street from the house of the woman who attended her birth of P and my birth of C, which is where I went exactly 3 years ago, a week after cole's birth...and where I have tried to visit first every year.

Coley was so cute in his dinosaur costume, and Monk was a scary green-faced frankenstein's monster (he is thankfully content with just about any costume) and all agitation with M had cleared up the instant I saw her. She is sometimes maddeningly neurotic (as, I'm sure, am I!) but she is such incredibly good company. Really, that's the best way to describe her. She always has something interesting to talk about (for instance, on our walk, she told me about this report on NPR about the myth of candy tampering, after which she concluded "as is typical in the US - the only two things you really need to worry about on Halloween are your family, and cars.") and she keeps me going. I love her dearly, and was thankful to have her along on the 30 minute journey to K's house.

Cole got back into the wagon after trick or treating at the midwife's house and fell asleep somewhere between there and K's house, and stayed asleep through most of the night's adventure...and K was waiting impatiently when we arrived there, and Monk had been so cool about hurrying along and not trick or treating until we picked up K, so we slowly wound our way back home, stopping at various houses along the way to pick up our Halloween booty.

It was really a magical night. Somehow I managed to grow up celebrating Halloween every year, and then had two children of my own who trick or treat on Halloween...and I never realized the social and community implications of the day. But on Friday, the importance of this ritual was hyper-evident. People were out on their porches, talking, excited about the kids...and, yeah, I know it was just candy, but they were all giving generously.

At one point, we ran into two grown men who were dressed up as some sort of lunatic mental ward escapee and his "keeper" - the lunatic was on a leash, and they came RUNNING at us from down the street, lunatic drooling and snarling and keeper trying to hold him back, and it FREAKED MY SHIT RIGHT OUT! They came right up to us, and I was sincerely freaked. The kids, of course, just laughed and said "Cool!" and M and I were like "holy shit I thought we were going to die!" hahaha. But afterwards I really kind of appreciated that it happened, you know? Because how long has it been since I had that kind of thrilling haunted house feeling?

So we continued winding our way through the neighborhood, with Coley totally passed out in the wagon and Monk and Kyra and P running from door to door totally having a great time. I kept trying to get Monk and K to wait up for P, and at one point K (who is prone to being somewhat of a brat, but who frequently makes up for it by being super cool and sweet and smart) yelled back over her shoulder "Oh, come ON...it's HALLOWEEN! Give us a break!" and I ceased trying to rein them in, although I really wish K would have stopped saying "Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat!" at every house.

Anyway, we were out for a total of at least 2 full hours, and the kids came home with quite a stash. Coley woke up and was able to trick or treat at 2 houses before we packed it in. And when we got home, the kids emptied their bags and examined their haul. Monk generously agreed to share with Coley, and since we had not been home all night, we had not given out any of our candy (and our pumpkin was miraculously unsmashed) so we just have tons and tons of candy - so if anyone out there was disimpressed with the results of their Halloween candy crawl, just let me know and I will send you something sweet and tasty.

Then the kids settled in to watch ET, which I had scored at the library earlier that day and even though I was no longer in the mood to make pizza, and it was like 9:30 at night, I was persuaded by pouting K to pop the pizza in the oven and then I allowed myself to be similarly persuaded to call K's mom to ask if K could sleep over. So it truly was like Monk's Dream Halloween with tricks or treats and tons of candy and a movie/pizza/sleepover party - the stuff of dreams, I tell you.

And M stayed through the movie and had pizza and we talked and admired our candy and it was nice to have her there to keep me awake because by this time I was DOG tired.

And then the movie ended, and there was some heated discussion about sleeping arrangements but everything was settled satisfactorily and M left and the kids went to bed and I stayed up a little while later just enjoying the "phew" feeling and had a little chat and then retired to my bed full of my children after tucking K into Monk's bed and leaving the light in the hallway on for her comfort and everyone fell asleep quickly and fell asleep hard and didn't wake up until the morning.

And there's more to the weekend, but I'm going to have to write about it later. That takes care of Halloween, though...how was your Halloween?

Posted at 8:50 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Fat People of the World, Unite and Take Over

November 2, 2003

Watching one of those dumb hollywood extra shows last night (don't EVEN ask why...I think I was high on candy) there was a report on Ana Nicole Smith's amazing weight loss. The interviewer was dwelling on how fabulous she looks now that she's no longer a fat, ugly slob - and how she must have to beat the men off with a stick. As if she could never have possibly attracted a man when she was 50 pounds heavier.

And I wonder what is up with the fat people - the fat MAJORITY - in this country that they can sit back and watch this crap and not be incited to riot. How many other socially constructed groups of people sit by and watch their group be maligned without a united voice against defamation? What is wrong with us that we allow ourselves to be called ugly and undesirable and freakish? And where is the outrage that we allow people to be the subject of ridicule and demoralization for no good reason?

We need to stop rolling over and taking the abuse, and start voting with our dollars for less oppressive representation. I have been watching network television more these past few months, and it is complete lunacy how much comedians, advertisers, and virtually anyone trying to sell anything rely on our own internalized fatphobia to hawk their bullshit to us.

Why are we buying it?

Posted at 10:10 PM • Comments (9) • TrackBack