Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: Mama Troubles.

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« I trust you all had a splendid Buy Nothing Day | Main | Thank You. »

Mama Troubles.

November 30, 2003

I'm really struggling with being a mama lately. I feel like every day I wake up and decide that today is the day that I'm going to get my shit together and be the best mama I know how to be, but something always happens and I fuck up, and I can't help but feel like I'm trapped in a weird video game and I keep losing lives, only every time I lose a life it gives my kids permanent damage.

I try to keep it in perspective. It's really fucking hard sometimes to be me. It's hard to be "on" all of the time - impossible, really. But I don't want that to be an excuse for me to make it even harder to be my kid.

Today, we actually woke up well, and everyone was pretty happy. I was pleased with the fact that I stopped Coley before he started playing his computer game and looked him in the eyes and told him that he was going to have to stop playing when the pancakes were done. Usually it's holy Hell trying to get him off of the computer. It seems like if I were to let him, he would sit there all day playing Jumpstart Preschool or whatever...so I eventually just have to turn the thing off and try to comfort his cries as best I can, which can be difficult to do when I'm feeling like I gave him plenty of time and warning before resorting to that drastic action.

Anyway, the looking in the eyes and giving a concrete event as a time limit really seemed to work. When the pancakes were done, Coley stopped playing immediately...and sat down to eat

We all enjoyed a nice breakfast together, and then it was time for morning circle. I had a bunch of different books spread out, and basically we were going to read together for an hour. Coley is welcome to stay with us and read, or he can choose to play by himself quietly in the room or in any other room of the house. He has crayons and stickers and all of Monk's dragons and cars all to himself if he chooses.

Instead, what has been happening during morning circle is that 15 minutes into it, Coley begins to either talk really loudly until someone responds - at which point he continues to talk and talk and talk and interrupt the story telling. Or he kicks me or hits his brother or, basically, otherwise attempts to hijack our attention for the duration of the hour.

Now, I understand that it's difficult for a kid to sit still for an hour, and I don't expect cole to do that. But I think it's important for Monk to get some quality time, and Monk really enjoys morning circle when I'm not having to stop every three seconds to attempt to gently correct coley.

The gentle correction often disintegrates to impatient correction and then to yelling - particularly on days like today when my patience is thin and when I feel that Coley is being very intentionally manipulative. I tend to believe that children only ask for what they need, but Coley is three, and I feel like he should be able to accept delayed gratification for his needs at this point - particularly since his "needs" are frequently in direct interference with Monk's needs. Coley gets all sorts of lovey time and snuggles and laptime and hugs and kisses from me. That's not the kind of attention Monk wants from me. Monk wants reading and playing and floor attention. He doesn't get that as much as he should, because when I attempt to give it to Monk - Coley interferes. And I believe it's an intentional interference.

It's not that I think Coley is a bad kid or that he hates his brother or whatever, but he very definitely fights for the attention. So, today after yelling and feeling crappy about it...and then yelling again and feeling crappy about it. And then getting so frustrated that I felt like I was losing control and was soon going to be unable to respond at all gently, I picked him up and put him in Monk's room. Coley cried...and I left him there.

What was I supposed to do at this point? I had a three year old who was crying, and a 6 year old who was observing me being very impatient and possibly inappropriately angry with the three-year old. I was so angry and frustrated that I was practically in tears myself. I mean, how much is Monk supposed to sacrifice so his brother can remain an infant who gets all of mama's attention whenever he wants it or cries for it? I felt like I was setting a horrible example for both of them, but I still am not sure what a better answer would be. And of course by this time, it was almost pointless to continue reading. Cole kept running back in, crying...and I would gently tell him that if he wanted to listen to stories, he would have to be quiet and respectful of story time...and if he didn't, that was fine, too - but he was going to have to play by himself for a little while. I don't know how to be fair to both of them in this kind of situation.

I'm also having a problem with Coley refusing to potty train in any way...to the point where if he is running around naked, he will just piss anywhere and that doesn't even stop him - he will splash around and play in the pee unless I immediately catch him and clean it up. It's so freaking aggravating. And it's difficult to keep my head and not get pissy (har) with him when this happens. I just have a feeling that at his age he should kind of know better than to play in his own urine. He's a pretty smart kid, and I know I've talked with him about it before - gently - about a million gazillion times. But he just doesn't seem care.

So, I dunno. These are just a couple of examples of my challenges with Coley that have me stumped. There are more. He frequently spills water all over the floor - or juice - intentionally and with a seeming desire to be impish and usually right when I'm looking directly at him. He also STILL will not respect my body space, and continuously tries to touch and pinch sensitive areas on my body (like my armpits and the flab under my arms) even though I have been asking him not to do this for practically his entire life. Asking, redirecting, I admit I've even slapped his hand when he has taken me by surprise (and it can be surprising to be sitting down somewhere, concentrating on something, and suddenly there's a cold little hand shooting up the sleeve of your shirt.) I don't know if I'm a freak because this bothers me so much or what, but it TRULY really irritates me and he will. not. stop. If it's not his hands on me, it's his feet. He likes to kick me and rub me and touch me with his feet. Any time I am stationary, you can bet he will be there to get his touching in. And I don't mind touching all that much, but this is like CONSTANT rubbing, moving, squirming, wiggling kind of touching and it can literally drive me insane.

I feel like I'm crazy to write this. I love that kid so much. I love that he's so cuddly and lovable. I love that he tells me he loves me all the time. I love that he wants to be near me...but I wish he would respond a little better to the limits I place on his behavior. I feel like the limits I set are important to maintain fairness in the household and sanity for me. I don't feel like I'm way out of control with placing arbitrary limits on his behavior...but I also feel like I'm not getting through to him AT ALL.

Maybe I went though this with Monk, too. I remember my first ever post to hipmama was something along the lines of "I'm certain that my son will end up being a serial killer." Maybe I went through this with Monk but have conveniently forgotten about it (because I probably would have never had another if I would have remembered how hard it is!)...or maybe my stress level or the stress level in the household is rubbing off on the kids, making them more needy and clingy (in which case, am I expected to completely give up on setting limits regarding how often/where/when I want to be touched and rubbed on?) or perhaps I'm more tired and have less patience, so I'm noticing it more.

I wish I was the kind of parent who just didn't mind. Who wasn't bothered by repetitive touch and repetitive sound (both of those things are the things that tend to bring the yelling out of me). I'm certain there is a way that I can have better control over my reaction to it, but how to I control my reaction to it AND get the kids to respect my limits? It seems like they don't respond to my requests until my requests become commands. And then we all feel bad.

The dilemma is that I really, truly believe in parenting respectfully. I want my children to have some say in the rules around here...and I don't want anyone to justify my actions by telling me "Hell, yeah! You're the mama, and they need to do what you tell them to do." But I also feel that I should have some say over how I am treated and touched, and what gets done. I don't feel that parenting respectfully should mean that the kids get to be disrespectful towards me or each other. And sometimes I just don't have the time or energy to think of a redirective way of handling a situation. I'm totally open to hearing some from other parents, though.

Blah. Coley is asleep right now. He fell asleep in my arms and I very gently laid him on a pillow. I think I'm going to go in there and join him for a nap. Perhaps that's all I need. And when I wake up, I SWEAR I'm going to be the best mama I know how to be.

Posted at November 30, 2003 2:41 PM

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Comments

Its so tough being a parent isnt it particularly when you want to parent in a conscientious thoughtful way as you obviously do. I have days like that where I feel I havent been a good enough parent and then I have to remind myself that I am only human.

Laura

Posted by: Laura Mayne at November 30, 2003 3:13 PM

I think you are very BRAVE (not crazy) to be writing this, because you are actually putting yourself out there, so to speak. I have a hard time doing that. I hope it helps you put things into perspective. I have had so many moments like this with Chloe and I don't even have two kids (yet - heh!), but I am familiar with the "what else can I do" part.

Oh, and when she's been sick, it seems like she has set backs. I'm hoping not this time.

Posted by: jenny r at November 30, 2003 3:34 PM

I think it must be very difficult when you have children to separate yourself and your bodily rights (not to be pinched and pulled) from them, since they are certainly like a part of you. But it all goes back to "your rights end where another person's begin." I wish I could be more helpful about that, other than to say it's perfectly understandable that yes, it would piss you off to be physically harassed by your child. Kids are so smart about what works and what doesn't (like Cole in morning circle), it's so amazing how they read people. That's what makes it so hard to get around that.

Wish I had something useful to say, but as usual, just a "hang in there, mama."

Posted by: lem at November 30, 2003 5:32 PM

Your're already the best mama 24/7 Dru - but I'm sure it's hard to deal with C redirecting all of his 3 year old anxiety about the family situation in ways that he knows push your buttons.... One thing I thought of that my mama friends have used with some success so you don't get into a big fight over time being up etc. is to get him his own little kitchen timer - then you could set it for computer time and when it rang, it would be a clear, concrete"times up" signal for him - without you having to get involved in the whole thing again. Worth a shot? So sorry - I'm sure the boys won't look back on this year as the best year of their lives but I know that they WILL respect you all the more for getting them through this transition in one piece and spending the time to homeschool them, etc. Hugs!

Posted by: shannon at November 30, 2003 7:03 PM

i have to say that i think you are such a rockin' parent. and i don't know, i also think you are creative as hell. sometimes our kids just go through shit. and it gets on us too. i hope this passes quickly with coley. getting up everyday shooting for your personal best, that's very good on a bad day dru.

Posted by: angela at November 30, 2003 7:28 PM

I kow how frustrating this can be, dru. I'm so sorry you have to go through this on your own, but I have faith that you can handle this. It's just a matter of making it from day to day... which sounds so easy but can be so, so hard.

You don't have to be perfect; we can't be perfect. And I think that the proof of your parenting abilities lies in your desire to do your best, to identify your weaknesses and to fight through this rough patch.

Be well, dru; I'm rooting for you.

Posted by: bellis at December 1, 2003 10:34 AM

The dilemma is that I really, truly believe in parenting respectfully. I want my children to have some say in the rules around here...[...] But I also feel that I should have some say over how I am treated and touched, and what gets done. I don't feel that parenting respectfully should mean that the kids get to be disrespectful towards me or each other.

Parenting respectfully includes not just being respectful of the kids, but teaching the kids to be respectful of the parents and other people. It sounds like Coley is in the phase of figuring out what his limits are and what happens when he crosses them. It's a very important phase to go through, but it's also one of the hardest on parents.

The best things you can do are to be cognizant of what it is you're trying to teach the boys (respect, kindness, creativity, etc.), be consistent in what the rules are and what the consequences are, and remember to give Mama what she needs, too.

It was right around 3 that I started telling my girls "To get respect, you need to give respect." I also have one who didn't recognize mama-space, and it took years of gently prying her off to get to the point where we could cuddle or hug and she would back off when I told her I was tired or hot or what-have-you and needed some space. At 13, she will still hold my hand, sit on my lap, lean on my shoulder, etc., and I love that, but if I am feeling crowded she'll give me my space almost all the time.

Coley needs to learn that not only does he have to share books and toys, he has to share Mama too. That's probably partly related to the fact that L is a less constant presence in his daily life than he was used to, and he's afraid he may lose Mama too, but unable to verbalize it. That doesn't mean it's okay to take away Monk's Mama-time, though, and maybe what you should do is give Monk Coley's time when Coley takes it away from him -- "Coley, since you didn't let Mama read with Monk this morning, I am going to read with him now instead of playing with you. Tomorrow, if you let Monk have all of his reading time, then Monk won't get any of your time."

Ultimately, what you do has to be up to you because you have to live with it and because you know your kids best, but a combination of reassurance and clear limits may be just what you need in this situation. Good luck.

Posted by: Nurse Ratched at December 1, 2003 1:27 PM