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« November 2003 | Main | January 2004 »

I swear I do feed him regularly.

December 31, 2003

I just gave monk a slice of sourdough with melted butter on it, and he raised it above his head and said "All hail the piece of bread with butter on it!"

What a goof.

Here's something fucked up that I just noticed...

December 30, 2003

I was at the grocery store today, standing in line to buy dog and cat food, cursing myself for losing 20 bux*, calculating all of the money I've been spending lately and freaking out a little bit about not having enough to cover bills. And I started thinking about L, and how it would be really helpful if he would at least buy groceries every once in awhile, and how it would be REALLY VERY helpful if he actually contributed a set amount of money every month that was actually significant (I dunno if I've mentioned this lately...but he contributes ZERO...and actually less than that, since he consumes food and beverages while he is here. Not to belabor this, but if he is reading this blog, which I suspect that he is, I would like to just have that out there so he's reminded that he's contributing nothing.)

At any rate, I started thinking about how much easier my life would be if he would start doing his share of the financial part of being a parent. And then I started to get indignant, and started thinking "I work SO hard."

And then I started thinking "No, you don't ACTUALLY work SOOO hard. I mean, you LIKE your job. It's not that difficult."

And, what's worse, is that thought made me feel, somehow, like L wasn't obligated to contribute financially to the support of the household. As if I somehow have to really be sweating it to warrant his providing for his family. As if being happy and having plenty for myself and the kids somehow precludes him from having to take responsibility.

I can't get over how very fucked up this line of reasoning is, and yet...I think it's really ingrained in me. It's going to be a difficult one to get over, and I have to really be careful and pay attention to how this manifests in other relationships.

*I found the 20 bux when I got home, and was greatly relieved.

Dru Blood Endorses

December 30, 2003

Allyson Shaw's Chap

(I haven't actually read it, but I'm sure it's excellent.)

"free" trade 101

December 30, 2003

Stop Calling It Free Trade! - Reclaim Democracy.org

International trade agreements erect trade barriers as often as they remove them. As Wayne Andreas, CEO of agribusiness giant Archer Daniels Midland, said, "There is not one grain of anything in the world that is sold in the free market. Not one. The only place you see a free market is in the speeches of politicians." Well acquainted with both illegal price fixing and legally wielding political power to extract taxpayer subsidies, Andreas knows of what he speaks.

Not only do treaties like the proposed FTAA outlaw forms of protectionism that serve the public interest - such as safeguards for healthy air, drinkable water and a safe workplace - they also preclude or destroy competition in many business realms.

A driving force behind most existing and proposed trade agreements is politically-powerful corporations' pressure to expand the most costly and anti-competitive forms of protectionism--patents, copyrights and other monopolies grouped under "intellectual property rights."

This could be a follow-up to any of a number of posts I've made in the last few days.

Looking Forward, Glancing Back

December 30, 2003

I don't usually make hard resolutions for the new year. Instead, I make periodic, usually seasonal, adjustments to rhythm and re-evaluations of priorities.

I'm in the process of doing that now. I was talking to a friend the other night, and it occurred to me that this season is particularly good for all of that. It starts with the solstice, which I have now determined will be a holiday of creativity and activity, and then moves forward into the new year, which is about tweaking my schedules and my priorities - looking forward into the coming year, and then, shortly after New Year's, is my birthday, which frequently brings about reminiscence and redirection. What happened last year that I don't want to have happen again? What do I want to happen in the coming year? These are things that I attempt to evaluate at the change of every season, but it makes sense now why the questioning seems particularly acute around this particular time of year.

So, I have spent some time each day evaluating what I'm doing with myself and what I need to be doing, and, list-maker that I am, I have composed my share of unspoken, unwritten lists.

First, I created an index card method of housekeeping that should keep the housekeeping in order and a little more interesting. I had been using a 3-ring binder with various chores that I would check off at various intervals. I'm big into lists and really weirdly elaborate guidelines for doing things, so this worked well for me, but I kept having to re-print the checklists and it seemed like a huge waste of paper. The index card plan is good, because I'm re-using old index cards (that I once used as my weirdly elaborate record-keeping system when I used to mail out zines) and I'm throwing in random little cards that say things like "Fuck the chores, go lay in the hammock!" and "Write the kids a love note!" and stuff like that. Maybe I should package this, write a book, and make a zillion dollars. I could call it rolodex cleaning, and I could become rich.

OK, anyway - I'm glad that is done. And my next organizational project is figuring out how to redesign our days with regard to homeschooling. Monk wants to keep doing things they way we have been, and I like the circle time in the morning, but I don't think I've been spending enough time with Cole, so I think I'm going to divide the circles into 30-minute intervals - thirty minutes of reading aloud to both kids, and then 30 minutes where we either all work on a handwork or art project together, or I work with Cole on artsy-craftsy stuff while Monk does his mazes or works in a workbook (which, oddly enough, he really loves to do.) There needs to be more messy art stuff going on in the house, and more cooking as a family, I think. I picked up a really cool book at a thrift store that is all about kids cooking kids meals, and even has like curriculum-y type questions at the end of each section...and it's vegetarian. I can't remember what it's called, but I had never seen it before, and it almost looks like it's ultra small-press. So, maybe I can use that.

I really need to encorporate more movement into our days as well. My kids tend to want to stay indoors (as do I) - but there's so much good weather here this time of year that it's dumb to be inside all of the time. More outdoor time. More walks. More dancing. More moving. This is something I wish I could just give to L to do, because he has the best part of the day to do it in. In fact, when he comes over is a really great time to take the kids to the playground because the school kids are just getting out, and there are lots of neighborhood kids there for Monk to meet and socialize with...I'm sure he would love that, but L doesn't take them out there, and you can be sure that if I mention it to him he will ABSOLUTELY refuse to do it. But, I think I'm going to ask him anyway. Pretty much any other time of the day for us is full of other stuff. Late afternoon is the best for playground time during the winter months. Once it gets warmer, it will be best in the early morning hours.

So those are the more tangible things that need to change in the coming months. I'm still thinking about the other things. Here's what I have running through my head right now:

• Get the divorce early in the year: L is getting more and more unreasonable about the agreement that we signed, and I'm feeling like we need to get something legalized quickly before he abandons it altogether. A direct quote from him yesterday was "That piece of paper" (meaning our agreement) "means nothing to me." Technically, the negotiated agreement is not a legal document, but it will most likely mean something to a judge if one of us is not honoring it, due to the fact that many judges order couples to go through mediation. L is now refusing to mediate. EVidently, I'm capable of exerting mind control powers on him and the neutral third parties in the room to force an outcome that is favorable only to me.

• Find a way to join the Y: This has been on my list of shit to do for the past 2 or 3 seasonal changes, but I just haven't gotten around to it. Someone recently asked me if I had TIME to go to the Y, and I think I do - at least 3 times a week. I really miss working out, and I just can't do it in my home. When I try to do yoga when the kids (namely Cole) are awake, they climb on me and run around me and it's just not very relaxing.

• Try going to the UU church again: I'm thinking I'm going to attempt to start attending the morning services. The contingency here is Cole. If he will allow me to put him in the nursery, I will go. If he will not, I will try again next season. I initially wanted to start going to church so Monk would have a chance to build friendships with a community of kids who weren't necessarily all homeschoolers, but it's just way too stressful to deal with the idea that Cole is spending his entire time there screaming and crying.

• Re-evaluate, and REALLY STICK to my budget: I think I've done a pretty good job of creating a workable budget, in spite of the fact that I haven't gotten a pay raise in two years (and, in fact, I earned less last year than the year before due to the absence of freelance/contract work that was previously available). I'm mostly doing a good job of sticking to the budget, too, but there are some things that I need to work on. My primary difficulty is nights like this, when I don't have anywhere in particular to go, and I am stuck either spending the entire evening at the library, or going to work, or, HEY! I KNOW! I'll just get a bite to eat! See what I mean? I want my home to be my space, and I want to be able to stay in my space when I am on vacation. I'm tired of being foisted from my home on a daily basis for someone else's convenience.
  

Those, I guess, are more of the more tangible things that I would like to work on this season/year. I'm working on the intangible changes...turning them over in my mind. I'll probably post them later. It doesn't seem like they belong in this post, and besides...they are probably more of a late night kind of meandering.

Oh, my fucking GOD, would you just SHUT UP!

December 30, 2003

There are these two girls in the coffee shop here, and they are having what seems to be an inappropriately LOUD conversation in total sorority girl language and affect and it is so fucking annoying and distracting. You know what I'm talking about, right? That sort of weird vocal affect that produces this oddly halting, overly punctuated verbal bullshit...and they keep talking about how smart and/or rich they and/or their friends are.

I want to slap them.

Oh, Yay! They are leaving! Now I can get back to what I was doing.

Speaking of "Paranoia" about Illness...

December 30, 2003

From this post at Living on Less

Many people seem to believe that needed health care is somehow available for people with no health insurance. That's simply not true. Yes, if you go to the emergency room of a public hospital you will be treated (as long as you have an emergency; you won't be given routine care), but you will be billed for that service, to the tune of hundreds or even tens of thousands if you required hospitalization and surgery. Many people cannot afford to take the chance of facing a huge bill and will just forego care.

asfo_del goes on to quote some alarming statistics about the fate of uninsured adults and children.

I would panic, but I can't afford to - my stress might cause my uninsured children to fall into ill health.

Economic Justice for Kids.

December 30, 2003

ACTIVITY 2 ECONOMIC JUSTICE: THE SCRAMBLE FOR WEALTH AND POWER

The distribution of wealth and power within society usually affects a person's opportunities to achieve full human rights and live a life with dignity. This activity involves the distribution of wealth. It challenges participants to examine the concepts of "fairness" and "responsibility" and reflect on their own actions.

Unlike Mr. Boortz, I think this could be a very valuable learning activity for kids.

[Link courtesy of Andrea.]

Paranoia?

December 30, 2003

Is anyone else just a touch freaked out that seemingly every single child on the face of the earth has, in the past month, come down with some sort of stomach virus. I mean, it's weird enough when all of my real life friends' kids have the same bug...but when I am reading my friend's list and blogroll and hearing that EVERYONE has it...

...um, THAT is just a little TOO strange for me.

What He Said

December 29, 2003

What They Think of You:

When you value people only as economic units, the humanity goes away. In "market" logic the sick or old person should be discarded as a drain on economic resources. In "market" logic there is no point in having a government that looks out for the interests of the public at large -- this "gets in the way" of competition. In "market" logic there is no point in recreation, except for its value in making the worker unit a bit more productive. In "market" logic there is no point in educating beyond what you need for your job. In "market" logic your only value to society is the extent to which you will serve the corporation.

While yr there, you might as well read this quickie.

Seeing the forest, indeed!

Kucinich/peace rally in Austin on Saturday the 3rd.

December 29, 2003

Details:

January 3 (Sat), 1pm - 3pm Peace Rally
MUSIC:
Michelle Shocked, Bill Passalacqua
SPEAKERS:
Rep. Dennis Kucinich, Michael Badnarik Libertarian Party, Adrienne Boer Green Party, Lesley Ramsey Texas Fair Trade Coalition, Nelson Linder NAACP, Charlie Jackson Texans for Peace, Dave Collins Veterans for Peace, Vietnam Veterans Against the War, Thad Crouch Austin Conscientious Objectors to Military Taxation, Richard Troxell Universal Living Wage
where: State Capitol steps, 11th and Congress
Sponsored by Austin Against War, American Friends Service Committee - TAO, Veterans for Peace

Redesign suggestions please!

December 29, 2003

I'm gathering ideas and thoughts about features and ideas for a spiffy redesign. If anyone has any suggestions that would enhance usability, please let me know.

Thanks.

Your humble servant,
Drucilla B. Blood

Burnt Orange Reports on Bush

December 29, 2003

I thought this post was well compiled and well-written.

Call for Feminist Zines

December 29, 2003

CALL FOR FEMINIST ZINES Calling all zine-making women and grrrls! At its June 2004 conference in Milwaukee, the National Women's Studies Association will for the first time designate an entire exhibit table for a zine display. We're looking for current zines with a feminist edge or outlook, however you might define that. More information about the conference, which is titled "Women in the Middle: Borders, Barriers, Intersections," is available at this website: http://www.uwm.edu/Dept/CWS/nwsa/ Even if you can't attend the conference, you can have your zine displayed. - For print/paper zines, just send samples (preferably one copy each of two different issues) and full information about how to order or subscribe. We'll display the samples at the conference, where we'll also give interested browsers a handout listing all the zines on display, with contact/order information for each. After the conference, the sample issues will be donated to a university library collection, campus women's center, or other worthy repository of printed materials, where your zine can continue to make its mark. If your zine is online only, send us the URL and we'll include information about your e-zine on the handout. Deadline: April 1, 2004. Send your samples and information, and indicate whether or not you'll be attending the conference in person: JoAnne Lehman ATTN: NWSA Zines 430 Memorial Library 728 State Street Madison, WI 53704 Questions? Write to jlehman@library.wisc.edu

This is really no surprise, but that doesn't mean it's any less of an outrage.

December 29, 2003

Journalists Take Flak in Iraq

When US Central Command has good news to report in Iraq, as it did after troops from the Fourth Infantry Division captured Saddam Hussein on December 13, it adores the media. But journalists say that when there's bad news--a helicopter crash, a mortar attack--they are increasingly being blocked from covering the story by US soldiers, who frequently confiscate and destroy their film disks and videotapes.

That's what I'm talking about.

December 29, 2003

The Black Commentator - The"Food Justice"Movement - Issue 70

One of the great, often unspoken, forms of oppression that low- and moderate-income communities suffer through is the lack of access to healthy food. When I moved back to Central Brooklyn in 1985, I was struck by its barren nutritional landscape. It wasn't just that options like fresh produce and organic foods were hard to come by. But the storefront food provision systems themselves - "bullet-proof" fast food joints, poorly stocked and over-crowded supermarkets, cruddy, stomach-curdling bodegas - seemed to represent a level of self-destruction and dietary corruption that went well beyond my inability to buy tofu on Nostrand Avenue. While most residents and activists look at conditions such as public safety, housing availability, public education, environmental concerns and economic opportunities when taking on community development issues, seldom do we consider one of the most basic elements - how an area feeds itself - as a sign of neighborhood well being.

An excellent, excellent article, which features links to and information about a few key Food Justice sites.

I'm glad to know I'm not missing out on anything

December 29, 2003

This post about Lord of the Rings, on this excellent blog would probably really, really piss off my management assistant...

Let's recap the central themes of the movie: the white people, they're all good. And the black people, they're all bad. And the villain is the "Dark Lord" who lives in the "Black Land." And the only black humans in the film, well, they sit on top of really mean elephants and wear war paint on their faces (just like real Africans! how realistic!).

...considering he spent about an hour fuming over the fact that Jim Munroe had the NERVE to not like Zelda.

Thanks to Crazy Woman for the link.

UPDATE: While you are there, you might as well read this post, as well. This woman is fucking hilarious.

To Train Up a Child

December 29, 2003

See, here's the deal. I understand there are people out there who are awful to their kids. And I realize some of them homeschool. Proof of that came today when I got an e-mail from our state homeschool coalition (which I DON'T participate in, because they are way too religious/far right for me) that recommended this book. This book advocates NOT child "training" as the authors claim, but child ABUSE. Pulling an infant's hair when he or she bites mama's nipple is not "training" - it is abuse. "Rewarding" every transgression with "switching" is not "training" - it is abuse.

These people are not good parents, they are child abusers. However, I'm certain that if they homeschool, they are careful to dot all their "i"s and cross all their "t"s and live by the letter of the law, so they will not face any sort of punishment for "training up their children." However, if homeschooling regulation was enacted and enforced in Texas, I would probably be among the many who would be "closely watched" due to my beliefs and practices.

Go figure.

So Far, So Good

December 29, 2003

SO good. My vacation has been excellent. Good times with friends, hanging out, by myself, with the kiddos.

I can work my way backwards from this moment. The children are watching PBS, having passed the barf illness one to the other. Coley is now the one propped up with pillows and blanket. He actually requested pain reliever because he had "booboos all over his body." I'm hoping the diaper I changed this morning contained the contained the contents of his stomach so he doesn't barf, but I am prepared for barf patrol. He is refusing to eat, just in case. Monk feels better, but is taking advantage of Coley's television time. This means mama actually gets to take a minute to post to the blog and eat breakfast in peace. For the two day interim between illnesses, they were both ultra hyper and it was difficult to keep the peace around here.

Last night I hosted a dinner party with Susan and Steve. They came over and played with the kids and talked and helped me cook a yummy mulligatawny stew and some spicy indian vegetable bread - both recipes from Sundays at moosewood. It was DELICIOUS, moreso because it was shared with friends. I'll probably post the recipes at the recipe blog as soon as I get around to it.

I spent the day yesterday grocery shopping, cleaning up, coughing and hacking because I was suffering from bronchial spasms again (which probably means I'm about to get my period - I feel much better today) prepping for dinner, and snuggling with the kiddos.

Saturday, I went out with my friend John to see Santaland Diaries. I had a great time. John makes me laugh, a lot, in a very good way. He's such a sweetie...exactly the right person at exactly the right time in my life, you know? I love it when that happens...when people just fit. We watched the play, went out for dinner at Austin Java Company *YUM* and then I kicked his ass at pinball a couple of times (um, five? six?). It was such a great night, but he's out of town for the next TWO WEEKS, so now I have no one who will rush over here in the middle of the night to fix my doorknob...

...or watch cheesy movies with me. Because Friday night I hung out with John also, after the kids were abed, and we watched Willard and Meet the Parents, and we finished putting Monk's Man'o'War ship together. It was terribly fun, but Coley woke up at around 2 AM and, after giving us a concert of himself singing "Ace of Spades" (and you thought the 7 year old wide-awake version was a riot, try a three year old at 2 AM version) he demanded that I come back to bed with him. So I sent John away and went to sleep.

Earlier that day, my friend Kirsten treated me to a movie. We saw...damn, I can't remember the name, but it was that movie with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson. It was pretty funny, and I really enjoyed spending time with K. She's really cool, very funny. It's difficult to describe our connection other than to say I think we both feel like misfits a lot of the time, and I feel very comfortable in her presence. Like she understands an aspect of me that many people don't understand...it's unspoken, but understood. I like that.

Christmas and Christmas Eve were uneventful I just kind of spent those days worrying that Monk was going to throw up, and cleaning up after him when he did. And at night I went out and tried to find things to do and spent way more money than I wanted to entertaining myself because I'm not "allowed" to be in my own home when L is here with the kids. I saw a movie on Christmas at the dollar theater, but I'm not even going to say what it was because it was bad. I knew it would be horrible, but I saw it anyway because I was being strict about adhering to the rules of my "movie roullette" game that I play. At least it only cost three bux. At least my mom sent me money for Christmas, so I can blame my mom. Yeah. That's it, it was my mom's fault!

Christmas Eve was even funnier, because I treated myself to dinner at a cheap Chinese restaurant, and they have this huge screen TV there, and they were playing "Weekend at Bernies TWO" (who the fuck thought it was a good idea to make a sequel of THAT movie?)

Anyway, a lot of kicking around, a lot of coffee shop visits. A lot of reading. A lot of snuggle time with the kiddos. And there's still a whole week left to go. I'd say that's a pretty successful vacation thus far. My house isn't even that disgusting right now, because Steve and Susan were able to distract the kids while I did the dishes last night. Hooray for Susan and Steve!

This week? More of the same. I'm probably going to stay in on New Year's Eve and maybe take care of some friends' kids. (movie night!) And I need to visit with Jennifer at some point, and I need to bring Kate some Mulligatawny, and I'll probably hang out with Megan. Today, I'm taking some down time and going to hang out by myself at Spider house or Mojos. I need to work on a project for work, and I need to answer a ton of e-mail.

I also finished making my winter mix CD's for grown-ups, and I just need to make the kids' mix and the older kids' mix. I'll probably end up sending them out AFTER the first of the year, but, hey, winter has just begun! I figure as long as they are in the mail before the vernal equinox, I'm OK.

When in Doubt...

December 27, 2003

blame Canada.

I shit you not, I just heard a news brief where the newscaster said the word "Canada" about 50 times in the span of less than 5 minutes.

Um, pass the buck much?

I should be baking cookies...

December 26, 2003

But instead, inspired by Ivy, I am googling around, searching for what we are NOT hearing* about Mad Cow Disease.

This was an interesting article that I found, right off the bat:

Department officials have been reluctant to support an across-the-board ban on downer animals, which often end up in pet food, in the human food supply. They've warned that a ban would lead farmers to bury the sick and injured animals on the farm instead of sending them to be rendered, raising the risk that diseases would spread to other livestock and wildlife.

Rendering, a process that basically cooks meat that goes into food for pets and livestock, kills most disease.

Farm Sanctuary president Gene Baustin argued the USDA's insufficient efforts have risked both human and animal health, and suggested consumers might be "eating the evidence" of a serious health risk.

It's kind of strange, because I keep hearing people talking about how "The Liberal Media" is creating a lot of unnecessary hype around this issue, but I'm not hearing any hype. What I'm hearing is the same news report over and over and over and over again with very little information about the origins, causes, and possible outcomes of a mad cow outbreak.

In the five years since the British government concluded that people were dying from exposure to mad cow disease, fewer than 100 people have died from vCJD. This statistic may not seem terribly alarming, but public health officials familiar with the long incubation period of this class of diseases are far from complacent. According to an analysis published in the January-February 2001 issue of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's Emerging Infectious Diseases, which was written by leading researchers from both the United Kingdom and the U.S., the death toll may eventually surpass 100,000

The difference between mad cow disease "hype" and influenza "hype" is that mad cow disease is ENTIRELY preventable in humans. You don't eat beef, you don't contract mad cow disease. Still, the cattle industry encourages you to just keep eating. The cattle industry wants you to believe that it's "no big deal" in spite of the fact that one diseased cow is enough for entire countries to cease to import beef from the U.S. And our arrogant president continues to flaunt his ignorance by allowing our country to ignore guidelines set forth by the World Health Organization. Thanks, George.

P.S. Only in America can people be called "radical social activists" - as if that's an insult - for supplying the only beef stock that can be guaranteed free of Mad Cow Disease. Mr. Martosko, I consider you a "radical business activist" - and in my book, that's far worse. Sacrificing the good of the people for the good of the economy. I haven't eaten meat in over 15 years, and I still don't want meat-eaters to die from brain wasting. Clearly the cattle industry doesn't have as much respect for its consumers as these "radical social activists" do.

*

Did you know that in thirteen states, you can be sued if you raise questions about the health effects of agriculture grown or cultivated in that state? Known as veggie-libel laws, they completely block the First Amendment rights of anyone speaking out about the many problems in the chemical, fertilizers and genetic engineering being used in farming and ranching. Even if substantiating evidence is provided to prove a charge, the horrendous cost of defending oneself against the court actions these laws encourage will keep a tremendous amount of information out of the hands of consumers. A bunch of Texas cattle ranchers have recently sued Oprah Winfrey for a show she did on mad-cow disease. Intelligent Americans can hope that the courts will find these insane laws unconstitutional.

Regulation of homeschoolers

December 25, 2003

I'm enjoying a fun debate on the ospolitics boards about regulation of homeschoolers. How'm I doing?

Oh good fucking lord

December 23, 2003

FamilyVsState [LifeSave.org]

Honestly...has the state nothing better to do with its time? Aren't there actual criminals and child molestors out there to be apprehended? Or is it just easier to target people who aren't, you know, evil...and stuff.

Link courtesy of veggiemama.

Mama Calendar

December 23, 2003

Have you ordered your mama calendar yet?

how & why to order a mama calendar now

the calendars will be ready soon, probably getting mailed out on monday!
they are appallingly beautiful, and include recipes, a zine guide, links to radical activism, unschooling info and of course photographs of mamas and their families from all over - including lots of y'all:

green, augie, hannah, ubershti, dorie, sonja, ayun, inky, lofani, leroy, maceo, cameron, blair, evelyn, julie, alli, KD, sarah, maceo, coleen, ike, luc, sienna, jen, blade, liam, nashua, jeremy, tenderfoot, rosana, reynaldo, bee, mina, lindsey, harper, trixie, talulah, ednamillion, kristina, juliegh, steve burns, anji, rob, xavier, nora, daphne, mothers acting up, lauren, jamie, riley, sazrah, marshall, heather, tracey, carole, jamie, miro, holly, emma, lee, henry, jude, nicole, keely, mike, kanicee, jared, monk, cole, m*a*m*a*, amy, chloegrrrl, estevan, freya, francois, hailey, the girlmoms, samantha, bela & her grandpa, amelia, louise, susannah, liam & the little punk rock kids at kate's wedding

as well as the artwork of ayun halliday & heather cushman-dowdee, and excerpts from these mama made zines: the edgy-catin mama, eat yer heart out martha, the east village inky and hathor the cowgoddess.

how to get one:
send $14 via paypal to coleen@bust.com
or
via the postal service at
coleen murphy
PO box 57611
new Orleans, LA 70157-7611

if you are ordering several, it's $12 each + $2 mailing cost

for more info about the mama calendar, check this out: http://onebigmama.tripod.com/calendar.html

Coleen might be a little behind on orders because she has a sick kiddo, but I recommend the mama calendar highly, and I'm so mad at myself for not posting a link sooner.

The Rest of the Story

December 23, 2003

Quite honestly, I have no idea what to believe about the "capture" of Saddam, but I find stories like this interesting, to say the least:

Ousted Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein was captured by Kurdish forces, then drugged and handed over to the American forces as a revenge against the rape of a tribal chief's daughter by the tyrant's psychopathic eldest son Uday, a media report said today.

The full story of the fallen dictator's capture last Saturday in a "spider hole" near his birthplace of Tikrit exposes the version peddled by Americans as incomplete.

Link courtesy of Nurse Ratched, in a post with more links about the capture.

Healing

December 23, 2003

I mentioned healing in my last post, and my friend Jeanne's contribution to helping me heal from Monk's difficult birth and my subsequent isolation. She didn't really do anything with intent to heal, but her presence in my life was enough to help me get over a lot of issues.

I remember, too, one of the first times I hung out with my friend Kate. It was after things had gotten bad with L, but we had pseudo-reconciled. I remember I was in one of my "life is so fucking cool" phases that I get into in between my "life is really fucking scary and unpredictable" phases. I was feeling so good, and L...wasn't. Never is, really. And has always kind of shunned me when I'm happy and loud and boisterous.

Anyway, I remember hanging out with Kate and just laughing and laughing. It felt so good to be able to laugh and have someone laugh with me. I have kind of a loud laugh, and I remember apologizing for laughing. APOLOGIZING! And Kate was all "I love it! Don't apologize."

It was very healing. I will always be thankful for that. Kate helped me to laugh again and not apologize.

The other night, hanging out with John, we were talking about our negative traits. I told him that my worst trait was interrupting. I interrupt people all the time, and I KNOW it's a problem I have but I can't seem to stop myself from doing it all of the time. I notice when I've done it, and I really get upset with myself about it. L used to tell me all the time that my interrupting him was a way for me to control him - was a form of abuse. This might be true, and I still think it's awful to interrupt people - but I'm usually really good about apologizing for it if someone points it out to me, and I usually know that I've interrupted JUST AFTER I have interrupted someone. In fact, I have gotten a lot better about noticing I'm ABOUT TO interrupt, and stopping myself before I do. I know L felt that my interrupting was a conscious attempt to control the conversation, but I feel that it's more of an unconscious thing. I just get excited, and I forget myself.

Still, I know I interrupted a few people SEVERAL TIMES the other day when I was at the park with some mamas, and I was pretty angry with myself about it. But when I told this to John, he was like "Yeah. I noticed you do that."

I thought he had said "I've never noticed that." And, thinking that he was assuming that being my friend means you have to ignore things that I do that are annoying, I was like "That's bullshit! If you haven't noticed that I interrupt people, you are totally in denial or something."

He responded, calmly, "No, I said I DID notice that. But, really, it's no big deal."

Not to say that his response made me feel absolved of my duty to try to stop interrupting people (which is my terminal new year's resolution) but it helped to hear someone say "Yes, I know you do this thing which is kind of sucky, but I still like you anyway."

You know?

It's important to me that the people in my life are realistic about who I am. That people in my life don't walk around thinking I'm perfect, so they can get totally shocked whenever I do something that belies perfection. It's important that people are open to tell me openly and honestly when I fuck up, and give me an opportunity to make up for it. Just like it's important for people to be open to hearing me call them out, even if there's no polite way of saying it.

I'm feeling like I have some pretty special people in my life right now. I always have, actually. I've just been focusing so much energy on one negative relationship, in spite of the fact that I haven't really wanted to, that I haven't been able to look around me at all of the lovely and wonderful people who contribute positively to my life - and to whose lives I want to positively contribute.

Solstice was a night of realization for me. I cried on the way home from the coffee shop last night, remembering the night before. Thinking about how hard I have worked to come to a place where I could enjoy a night with friends in my house. I cried, thinking about how there have been 3 special events here in three months, where the house was once again full of conversation, laughter, and warmth. It's such a good place to be. It's funny, too, because the house actually FEELS warmer these days.

I'm looking forward to many more celebrations here in 2004. Many more gatherings of friends. Many more wonderful conversations. Many hugs. Many kisses. Much healing, and much laughter.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me get to this point where I can feel joy again. Where there is so much hope. Where I almost feel like I can trust people again. Where I can feel good about the people who love me, and not worry that they only love me because they don't know me. Thank you. You know who you are, and I thank you.

Happy Solstice

December 22, 2003

It has been the most wonderful holiday in recent memory for me. I've struggled over the years to invent meaningful, ritualized holidays that the kids can enjoy, and it's so difficult because I just don't "feel it" with a lot of the traditional celebrations. I don't consider myself to be a pagan, either, so I can't just replace the proto-traditional with the actual-traditional and call it a day. Instead, I feel like I need to combine my ideas of what constitutes a perfect holiday and invent a sort of mishmash of fun and excitement for the kiddos that will still allow for joy and relaxation for me.

This solstice celebration was inspired by the fact that I spend much of my vacation sick in bed. I had been intending to do a lot of crafts, making gifts for the kids in my family who celebrate Christmas, as well as creating mix CDs for the older kids and grown ups on my growing list of people to whom I owe a debt of gratitude and appreciation that I'm sure I will never be able to repay.

I didn't get around to it.

As I began to consider what I would do to celebrate the solstice this year, I considered that the mythical relationship with earthly events is something that I can definitely identify with. I understand and appreciate the need to mark the longest night, the shortest night, and the equal night, as well as the phases of the moon. And I totally dig on creating a ritual to symbolize the importance of these events. So, in crafting my version the celebration of the longest night, it dawned on me that if I was going to stay up all night to keep vigil over the candlelight that would bring back the sun, I might as well use my awake time to undertake some of the creative projects that have been back-burnered due to illness. In other words, I would stay up all night and make the mix cd's, cookies, and homemade gifts that I would be giving to friends and family to celebrate the beginning of a new year.

And so, the plan was to invite some friends over to keep me company during this longest night, and to allow the children to stay up as late as they wished, and, because I have this sense that there's magic in the childhood ritual of expectation of gifts - and the joy in the fulfillment of that expectation, there would be a visit from the winter elf.

There would also be shared company, viewing of lights, and a sense of unhurried calm. The unhurried calm part is particularly difficult AND particularly important to me.

And so it was that the skeletal plan of our day emerged. We had been invited to a cookie decorating party at 2, after which we planned to take the bus down to the drag in Austin and meet up with friends to see the ostentatious and artful 37th street neighborhood holiday lights display, and then we were to come home and hang out with whoever was brave enough to join us in our nightlong celebration.

Things didn't go exactly as planned, but it was wonderful, nonetheless. We arrived at the cookie party a bit late, but the kids had fun, and I enjoyed the company of Megan, as well as some other mama friends who I haven't seen in awhile. We stayed for a couple of hours, and I realized that I couldn't just catch the bus right from there because we were all dressed all in dark clothing and didn't want to be wandering the streets at night like that. So we headed home and intended to change clothes and move right on out, but in the brief time that I spent rooting around for something to wear, Coley fell asleep. Hard. And I didn't want to wake him.

So the plan changed to us driving down to the drag. We had friends we were going to meet, so we did have a bit of a time constraint. I didn't want to stress out over time, but I also didn't want to miss seeing our friends.

While I was readjusting our schedule in my head, I heard my cat meowing out on the front porch, and opened to door to see my wonderful friend Jennifer standing there with a lovely little gift bag for me (!) She is such a sweetheart. Her daughter had also fallen asleep, but they were planning on heading down to the drag as well. I told her our plans had also changed and that I hoped to see her down there. Inside the gift bag was the most delightful little handmade bag with a rejuvenating eye pillow and the most beautiful collage notecards I think i have ever seen. It was truly wonderful and such a surprise. And the eye pillow came in handy later in the evening.

Shortly after Jen left, Coley awoke, and I set about getting everything together to head down to the drag. Dog shuffling, shoe donning, door locking, house checking, and out the door. I had left a message for the fabulous Susan (of comments fame) and her partner, Steve - hoping to meet up with them down there. I wasn't sure if they were going to make it, but I was thrilled to be meeting up with friends K and S and their 4 lovely children.

We met up at Wheatsville. I had parked a few blocks away, anticipating that I wouldn't want to walk far AFTER seeing the lights, and as we stepped onto the patio at Wheatsville, my phone rang. It was Steve, saying that they just got my message, and they were going to hurry up and meet up with us at Wheatsville. As I was talking to him, S walked out of the store, and I waved. We decided to get coffee and cocoa before seeing the lights, while we waited for the arrival of Susan and Steve.

It was fun. K&S and their family are such a great group of people to be around. K is smart, funny, kind of cynical, very sweet, and she is just my mama goddess because...I mean, she has 4 of the coolest, most boisterous, outspoken, wonderful kids I know. It's refreshing and exhausting and exhilirating to be around them, all at once. S, her husband, is just a super nice guy, too. I enjoy them all so much.

A funny story (although I'm sure K was totally embarrassed and I hope she's reading this so she knows that I thought it was truly very funny and no big deal at all - and if she doesn't read this, I'm going to bring it up when we go to the movies on Friday) - I saw a friend of mine while we were eating outside of wheatsville (wheatsville is one of theose places that you can't go to without meeting or seeing several people you know and haven't seen in awhile. I have so many fond memories of seeing people at wheatsville...It's just a great place.) Anyway, this friend of mine and I hadn't seen each other in awhile, so he asked the obligatory question - "How have you been?"

S, K's eldest son, blurted out "Her husband isn't living with them anymore!"

hahahahahaha. K looked like she was about to die, but I was really trying hard not to laugh. I'm not even sure if my friend heard him, but it was just a very funny moment.

Anyway, so we all enjoyed our coffee/hot cocoa/lemonade and then Susan and Steve arrived and we all headed out to see the lights together - except for K, who went off to pick up her daughter from a church function.

The lights display was nice. It was really crowded, but I didn't mind so much. The kids had a blast. I got Monk a glowstick, since he's been begging for one since I didn't get him one on the 4th of July. I figured since it's a celebration of light (or the lack thereof), a glowstick fits right into our ritual.

There's really no describing the lights on these houses on 37th street. There's a house that has a mock volcano (made out of lights) which erupts every 10 minutes or so. There's a house that has a whole yardful of artful lights strung every which way. People leave dollar bills hanging on a clothesline to help defray the cost of electricity. And, yes, it's excessive and probably bad for the environment and probably what our soldiers are dying for in Iraq...but...um...the kids had a lot of fun. If that counts for anything.

We were there for at least an hour, shuffling up and down the street with the thousands of other visitors. And then we said goodbye to K and S and the kids, and parted ways with Susan and Steve, who were going to meet up with us at my house to see how much of the all-nighter they could participate in.

Me and the kids got home and discovered that while we were gone, Twyla had dumped some of the cookie ingredients on the floor in search of something yummy. she chewed up a baggy filled with walnuts, but apparently found the nuts themselves not to her liking. It seemed like she had sniffed at the almonds and decided against them. I was pissed, but it could have been worse.

So I put the dogs out, and set about making cookies and lighting candles and preparing for guests. I had asked my friend John to join us in our holiday celebration, and he bravely agreed. John's good like that. He's also very good company, which is always nice. Plus my dogs love him. And vice versa. John's just...well, let's just say it's a joy to have him in my life. He said he would be right over. See...I like that in a man.

At any rate...Susan and Steven came over, and Monk instantly grabbed Steve and made him play yu-gi-oh with him, and then John arrived and played with the dogs a bit - he brought them treats. Isn't he swell? And then he disappeared back into the yu-gi-oh room and later monk emerged and said "look, mom - the girls are in the kitchen and the boys are all in the playroom." And me and susan looked down and realized that there we were baking cookies and knitting while Steve and John were playing, well, cards...with the kids in the living room. It was funny.

Cookies were baked, laughter was had...Steve and I spent about 3 hours trying to one-up each other on cool people we have met and/or cool bands we have seen. It got kind of intense for awhile there, and I'm not quite sure who ended up trumping whom. But then Susan completed her knitting project, which was a pair of sparkly gold wonder woman wrist cuffs (complete with red stars)...so i think she wins. She rules. I have not taken the wrist cuffs off, except to shower, since I put them on. I feel Wonderful and Invincible.

Monk and Cole evidently took me seriously when I told them they could stay up all night. They were bopping around the house making merry until I finally got tired of it and insisted that Monk go read a book. Within minutes, he was crashed. I think it was like 2 AM. Coley was still windmilling about the living room, having outlasted Susan and Steve, who left shortly after Monk passed out.

I double-dared John to stay up with me, and he rose to the challenge. I finally convinced coley that the best thing to do when one wants to stay awake all night is to watch a video (har har) and within minutes there were two bodies sprawled out on the playroom floor.

John helped me drag out the binful of toys and books I'd been gathering since the last holiday, and we looked through things to decide what to hide for the kids. Then we hid. John did a better job of hiding things than me. MOnk STILL hasn't found his "he's going to shit over it" gift, and I think that's a good thing. He was so pleased that he got a bionicle that he spontaneously started believing in the winter elf again ("sort of").

John left shortly after the sun came up. He was awesome company, and he helped me make some headway on the gift making. I didn't get as much done as I had planned because the kids stayed up so late, but that was ok. I still have time to do things, and it's not like there's an expiration date on sending out little gifts to family members. I'm just trying to take it easy.

Anyway, around about 8 or so, I told Monk that I Just had to take a little nap. I laid down and woke up when the phone rang around 8:45. My friend from alaska was calling to once again try to get together with me. We had been trying to get together since she got into town on Saturday, but she had so much going on with family that it just wasn't possible. Finally it was decided that I would go out there to Georgetown to visit her today. Her grandmother was making veggie lasagna! Noway I would turn down lasagna even on no sleep. So I told her that I needed to rest a bit and would be out there around noon, and then crawled into bed and totally blacked out until 11 or so.

I'm not sure how I managed to get up, get the kids ready, and get out the door (later I discovered that I had put cole's shoes on the WRONG FEET). I fed the kids m&m's and cookies for breakfast because I was really too tired to argue.

Seeing Jeanne was so nice. Her family is lovely. I felt comfortable around her relatives and her partner and her kids, and it was like old times. Jeanne was like the first mama friend I made after I had Monk. TWO YEARS after I had Monk. I basically had no community during those first few years, and it was bad bad horrible. All mamas should have friends like Jeanne to induct them into mamahood. She's rad and cool and gentle and kind. Remember when I said that I knew I would feel energized whenever I got to see Jeanne again? I totally do. Right now. She's just such a force of goodness and inspiration in my life. I love her dearly. And I really wish I could have spent a lot more time with her (and I just realized that I didn't thank her grandmother for a lovely meal - I was so out of it while I was there that I'm amazed that I remembered to bring my kids home! I should call and thank them now.) but we had to get back because it was getting to be the time when L comes over to watch the kids. Hugs, hugs, more hugs, goodbyes and "don't stay away so long next time - and when you come back, make it be for weeks instead of days!"

I got home and L was waiting and I crashed in bed, thinking that was probably enough joy and kinship to bouy me into the new year. But when I woke up there were cards in the mailbox and money from mom and I called her and cried. And even though she's not perfect, she's my mama. And even though she makes mistakes, I love that woman. She's a strong women, strong-willed and strong of fortitude. I admire her and I am endlessly frustrated by her, but I love her dearly.

I took the money she sent me and took myself out to dinner at Thai Village. They have a spicy basil tofu dish there that is one of my favorite things to eat of all time. It was heavenly, and my waiter was so nice. It was a great self-date.

And, now, here I am after all of this. I'm sitting in a coffee shop - almost time for me to go home. I'm thinking about having a slice of cake, but thinking I have cookies at home and more cookies to bake. I'm thinking about all of the wonderful people in my life and all that they have brought to me - all that has been given. And I'm thinking about how to give back. To give and give and give. I understand that there is an ebb and flow - that all people have periods of taking and periods of giving. I feel so full of love and life right now. It's truly a beautiful thing.

Tonight will be long again, and I will sleep peacefully through it. Last night's vigil candle melted all over the beautiful plate that I used as it's holder and tonight I will allow darkness to descend upon my house because I know that in the morning - maybe late in the morning, but in the morning nonetheless, the sun will poke out from behind the clouds and we will enjoy another day's adventures together.

Peace to all of you. I hope you are enjoying whatever you are engaged in at this time of year.

This post brought to you by the letters J and S and the number "you fucking rule"

December 22, 2003

Sorry, i just had to say that. My friend John gave me a wireless modem as a solstice gift, and I'm sitting here at my favorite coffee shop BLOGGING. It's so exciting.

It's been an excellent holiday for me - beginning yesterday and lasting until I go to bed tonight. I would like to post a detailed description of all of the events of the past 36 or so hours, but I think I will do so in a new entry, because I want this post to stand on its own in appreciation for yummy wi-fi goodness.

Can I get a Hell, Yeah?

Huntley, Carr, and the abusive male.

December 21, 2003

I found this article interesting not only because it juxtaposed the images and deeds of saddam hussein with Soham murderer, but also because it raises the question of the demonization of the woman in this case:

Since the Soham trial lacked a monster from central casting, Maxine Carr gets the role. A fellow prisoner has thrown boiling water at her, and the media hold her guilty of murder by proxy.

On the night of the killings, Carr was at a party. The outing might, her critics claim, have pushed a jealous Huntley over the brink. 'Kiss of death' screamed the headline over a picture of her embracing a fellow reveller.

That snapshot in a Grimsby disco placed Carr in a pantheon of female monsters, ranging from the Harpies and the Sirens of Greek legend to Rose West. In myth and in distorted reality, women, deadlier than the male, occupy a spectrum between psychopathy and culpability for engineering family breakdown and producing delinquent children. Carr, branded the 'new Myra' and the catalysing agent of evil, was actually a liar whose mistake was to shack up with a murderer.

In being duped by Huntley's charm, she resembled the police, the school staff, the community and the two trusting girls he murdered. She behaved as others might, and for that reminder of our fallibility, more than her mendacity, she can never be forgiven. In a universe where religious language and political discourse collide, Carr is banished forever from the civilised world to reside

In catching up on the various news stories about this case, I find myself getting really angry at the assumption that Carr is as guilty as Huntley, and somehow less guilty than the police agencies that continued to let Huntley off the hook after countless accusations of rape and sex with underage girls.

I'm not saying that Carr isn't culpable. I have no idea how much she might have known about the crimes that were committed, but the flaying of her in the media is yet another example of how abusive men are able to manipulate people and displace blame.

I could spend hours here

December 20, 2003

And, in fact, the kids in the computer club DID spend about an hour or so here, making snowflakes.

There's a kid that is in our homeschool co-op who is so cool. He's really good with paper art like origami, and I showed him Nikki McClure's paper cut art and he got all excited about it. I guess it's just inspiring for me to see a 9-year old kid who gets so worked up about art.

Anyway, we had fun in our second installation of computer club, making snowflakes, laughing, and talking about uteruses.

WHOAH! As I was typing this entry, My friend J called. She is FINALLY in town! Yay! I'm so excited to see her I feel like I'm going to burst. Instead, I need to finish up my stuff here and wait for her to call with her plans for the evening. I'm going to give her the biggest, squashiest hug I can muster, though. I'm building up the hugginess right now as we speak.

yummy jeanney goodness!

Hold Me Back!

December 19, 2003

I'm about to take coley to a fancy-pants local toy store that specializes in cool wooden toys and other such expensive items.

I'm doing this because I just checked my bank balance, and due to some creative (non)bill-paying, and various other forms of money shuffling, I feel that I have "a little extra" to spend on the kids - and I suddenly got a bug up my butt and felt like I just NEEDED to go and see if there's a little wooden castle or dollhouse or something that I can get for our new playroom to go along with the big castle playhut my sister sent. I figure if I can get something cool that they can both play with, I can justify blowing a small wad of cash.

In reality, I just want to see their eyes light up on Monday morning when they do their little search for toys, which the last few holidays has netted them educational and art supplies and nothing toy-like whatsoever. I just want them to have something special to share.

Anyway, I have to go before I rethink this and start acting sensible again. Wish me luck.

I just have to share...

December 19, 2003

This site (this post) is #2 under the search term: where+are+the+WMD+asswipe at google.

I couldn't be more proud.

Men, Abuse, and Me

December 19, 2003

I feel like I need to/want to address some of the issues that came up here last week with my posts about abuse and the subsequent comments which I felt were inappropriate. I didn't want to explain myself any further last week, because I didn't feel like explaining my viewpoint to a certain individual or anyone coming over from his site was productive or worthwhile, but I do feel like it's worth my while to process this stuff, and it might be worthwhile for me to process it out loud.

This might get long and rambly and, starting out, I'm not even sure what my point will be or if I have a point. I have spent the past week or so trying to sort out the emotions behind the "discussion" last week - and really trying to figure out if this is a safe place to even discuss my personal experience within the context of an abusive relationship. Or if it's even ethical for me to discuss my abusive relationship, considering you are only hearing my end of it and not the "other side" as it were. And there is plenty that I need to say and clarify about that - at least introspectively - and since I dragged the readers of my blog into it, I might as well say it out loud.

First of all, I need to state something so that it's clear and absolute. I have never asserted that there is never a situation in which a man is abused by a woman. It would be ludicrous for me to state this or even really think it. I have never known a man to be abused by a woman, but that doesn't mean that abused men do not exist.

However, I do harbor a great deal of suspicion for men who press the issue of the battered man as if it deserves equal time/attention/funding as the issue of battered women AS A SOCIAL ISSUE. Obviously, on a personal level, abuse does not discriminate based on gender, but when you add the institution of sexism to an abusive relationship, you end up with a great deal of imbalance that simply isn't part of the equation when discussing battered men.

So, yes, anecdotally speaking, I feel extreme empathy for any man who has been beaten or otherwise abused by a woman. And I'm sure I would comiserate...if I actually knew any men who could honestly tell me that this was their reality. Fortunately, I do not. Instead, I hear from men who want to tell me that I am somehow denying their experience as ostensibly non-abused men by focusing only on my personal experience of abuse. It's ridiculous. I mean, I can ALMOST see this being an issue if I were to speak about abuse in the abstract, although for the reasons stated above, it's not an issue as far as I'm concerned...but to be accused of denying the existence of the battered male when I am discussing my own personal abusive relationship is at best absolutely absurd. There are no abused men in my relationship, although my husband would like you to think there is.

Speaking of my husband, I have for years debated about the ethics of posting potentially disparaging remarks about him in my blog. Obviously, no human being wants to be known as the "abusive ex spouse" or "the jackass I had kids with" or whatever else I might conjure up in a negative space. My conclusion, after years of arguing with myself about this, is that *I* own my experiences, and I am allowed to write about the experiences that are mine. The problem with this is that there is a very important dynamic in our relationship which is caused by a reality that my husband faces, and by intentionally not discussing that dynamic or reality (because it is not an experience that I feel I own) I probably come across as less than sympathetic when it comes to my husband. You, dear reader, will just have to trust me when I tell you I don't lack sympathy for the father of my children. The problem is that having sympathy for him was getting in the way of me creating a healthy household for myself and my children. Sympathy was not enough to make things better. I don't hate my husband, and I don't wish him dead, and I don't wish him out of my life. I simply wish (probably unrealistically) for him to stop using manipulative and controlling tactics to evade responsibility for his actions (or non-actions.) That frustration is there, and it builds up, and if it doesn't get expressed - it causes a tremendous amount of anger. People who see only that dimension of my relationship with him are probably going to think that I walk around here like a ticking timebomb while he is here. I don't. Most of the time, I'm able to interact with him calmly and cordially. I know, too, that he loves it when I don't, because it enables him to tell me that I'm irrational or "too" emotional or whatever else.

I found this passage in the book interesting, as I can relate to it to a great extent:

How Society Adopts the Abuser's Perspective

Almost anyone can become an ally of an abusive man by inadvertantly adopting his perspective. People usually don't even notice that they are supporting abusive thinking, or they wouldn't do it. Let's examine some of the most common forms of accidental support:

The person who says to the abused woman: "You should show him some compassion even if he has done bad things. Don't forget that he's a human being too."

I have almost never worked with an abused woman who overlooked her partner's humanity. The problem is the reverse: He forgets her humanity. Acknowledging his abusiveness and speaking forcefully and honestly about how he has hurt her is indispensable to her recovery. It is the abuser's perspective that she is being mean to him by speaking bluntly about the damage he has done. To suggest ot her that his need for compassion should come before her right to live free from abuse is consistent with the abuser's outlook. I have repeatedly seen the tendency among friends and acquaintances of an abused woman to feel that it is their responsibility to make sure that she realizes what a great person he really is inside - in other words, to stay focused on his needs rather than her own, which is a mistake. People who wish to help an abused woman should instead by telling her what a good person she is.

[...]

The person who says: "These abuse activists are anti-male."

How is it anti-male to be against abuse? Are we supposed to pretend we don't notice that hte overwhelming majority of abusers are male? This accusation parallels the abuser's words to his partner: "The reason you think I'm abusive is because you have a problem with men*!" One of the best counters to this piece of side-tracking is to point out how many men are active in combating the abuse of women. Remember allso that abused women are the sisters, daughters, mothers, and friends of men; mens lives are affeted by abuse, because it happens to women we know and care about.

*Yes, I have heard that exact quote from L.

Another way L's abuse manifests is in the way he attempts or has attempted to manipulate me based on my strong beliefs. For years, I allowed him to stay in the home because there was an implied threat that if I split up with him, I would be unable to homeschool the children. And, in fact, after I went to work on the day I told him that I was completely serious about breaking up, he told Monk that Monk "was going to be starting 2nd grade, and mama will pack you a lunch, and you will get to play on the playground with all of the other kids." I came home to hear this part of the story from Monk, as well as an emphatic "And I'm on dad's side, mom. I want to go to school now."

Earlier that day, I had actually asked Monk if he was satisfied with his experience as a homeschool. I wasn't threatening or leading him. I was honestly curious if he felt his needs were being filled. He told me emphatically that he never wanted to go to school. Ever.

L has also used my political beliefs as a means to attempt to manipulate me. He criticized me for "dragging the state into our relationship" when I told him I wanted a divorce. And he justifies much of his irresponsibility by saying that he thought we lived an "alternative lifestyle" in which this particular kind of irresponsibility is acceptable.

Of course, I believe I have told the story of Cole's birth, where L refused to take Monk out of the house when I was in labor. I was trying to get some rest, and Monk was punching and kicking and slapping me because I would not play with him. I pleaded with L to please take him away so I could get some rest, because I was in labor. L stretched out on the bed, closed his eyes, and fell asleep, leaving me to fend for myself. I remember I called a friend in tears, begging for her to come and take care of Monk so I could rest up for the birth. She was planning to come over right from work, and for some reason I told L that I was expecting someone to come get Monk at 5:30. At 5:15, L got out of bed and took Monk out to go buy some shoes, so when my friend got there, they were gone. This is very much the same kind of abuse that L demonstrates when he refuses to stay here and watch the kids when I am sick. I spent practically my entire vacation in bed, and he left 1-2 hours early each day...because I was here in the house and he felt "uncomfortable" watching the kids with me here - even though most of the time I was curled up under the covers fighting whatever illness had taken over.

In fact, it is the story of how L acted when I was in labor with Cole that I go back to again and again as the tangible evidence of his abusive behavior towards me. It's not the only evidence of abuse, but it's the only tangible evidence. It's the only clear, unobfuscated anecdote I can relate to people to help them to understand what it is like to live with L.

Other than that, L is pretty much a textbook (according to this book) "Water Torturer:"

The Water Torturer's style proves that anger doesn't cause abuse. He can assault his partner psychologically without even raising his voice. He tends to stay calm in arguments, using his own evenness as a weapon to push her over the edge. He often has a superior or contemptuous grin on his face, smug and self-assured. He uses a repertoire of aggressive conversational tactics at low volume, including sarcasm, derision - such as openly laughing at her - mimicking her voice, and cruel, cutting remarks. [...]he tends to take things she has said and twist them beyond recognition to make her appear absurd [...]He gets to his partner through a slow but steady stream of low-level emotional assaults[...]He is relentless in his quiet derision and meanness.

The impact on a woman of all these subtle tactics is that either her blood temperature rises to a boil or she feels stupid and inferior, or some combination of the two. In an argument, she may end up yelling in frustration, leaving the room crying, or sinking into silence. The Water Torturer then says, "See, you're the abusive one, not me. You're the one who's yelling and refusing to talk things out rationally. I wasn't even raising my voice. It's impossible to reason with you."

The psychological effects of living with the Water Torturer can be severe. His tactics can be difficult to identify, so they sink in deeply. Women can find it difficult not to blame themselves for their reactions to what their partner does if they don't even know what to call it. When someone slaps you in the face, you know you've been slapped. But when a woman feels psychologically assaulted, with little idea why, after an argument with the Water Torturer, she may turn her frustration inward. How do you seek support from a friend, for example, when you don't know how to describe what is going wrong?

[...]If you are involved with a Water Torturer, you may struggle for years trying to figure out what is happening. You may feel that you overreact to his behavior and that he isn't really so bad. But the effects of his control and contempt have crept up on you over the years. If you finally leave him, you may experience periods of delayed rage, as you become conscious of how quietly but deathly oppressive he was.

[...]

The central attitudes driving the Water Torturer are:

• You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing.
  
• I can easily convince other people that you're the one who is messed up
  
• As long as I'm calm, you can't call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel
  
• I know exactly how to get under your skin
  

I also found some of the characteristics of "The Victim" familiar, and perhaps that is why I'm so suspicious of men who press the issue of the battered male:

When the Victim joins an abuser group, his story tends to go like this: "I put up with my partner's mistreatment of me for years, and I never fought back or even tried to defend myself. But I finally couldn't take it anymore, and I started to give her back a little taste of what she was doing to me. So now I've been labeled abusive. Women are allowed to do these things and nobody cares, but as soon as a man does it he's a pariah."

This line of reasoning many times develops into a discussion of how men are the victims of women overall in society, because women run the world. This is a startling distortion, given which gender actually dominates almost all legislatures, police departments, judgeships, businesses, and so on ad nauseum. When I point out this reality to the Victim, he describes a kind of paranoid fantasy in which women are behind the scenes secretly pulling the strings, largely by getting men to feel sorry for them. His capacity for turning things into their oposites in this way is a central cause of his abusiveness.

One of the things L told me when things really started going downhill for us was that he was tired of my shit, and tired of me treating him the way I was treating him (although in the three years I earnestly asked for a clear definition of how he was being mistreated, he was never able to come up with one) and that he was just not going to take it anymore. He asserted that he had done his best to be nice and accommodating to me, but that he felt he no longer owed me that. And, poof, from that point on he basically refused to go out of his way to do anything to make my life any easier, in spite of the fact that I was basically in a position where I couldn't NOT make his life easier. If that makes any sense. In other words, he knew that if he abdicated responsibility with regard to the children, I was not going to let it harm them, and i would pick up the slack. I would buy food. I would pay the bills. I would continue to be the responsible adult because someone had to take care of the children. Basically, the way I see it, L invented a reason to be resentful of me - a reason that might very well have been based on an actual wrongdoing on my part, but which remained undisclosed ("If you don't know by now, there's no hope that you will ever know." he would say. And yet, he refused to leave the relationship because one day I "might straighten up and start acting right.") so I was not able to apologize or correct my behavior - and he used that as an excuse to act like an ass towards me, regardless of how clearly I expresse