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« Dru Blood Endorses | Main | I swear I do feed him regularly. »
Here's something fucked up that I just noticed...
December 30, 2003
I was at the grocery store today, standing in line to buy dog and cat food, cursing myself for losing 20 bux*, calculating all of the money I've been spending lately and freaking out a little bit about not having enough to cover bills. And I started thinking about L, and how it would be really helpful if he would at least buy groceries every once in awhile, and how it would be REALLY VERY helpful if he actually contributed a set amount of money every month that was actually significant (I dunno if I've mentioned this lately...but he contributes ZERO...and actually less than that, since he consumes food and beverages while he is here. Not to belabor this, but if he is reading this blog, which I suspect that he is, I would like to just have that out there so he's reminded that he's contributing nothing.)
At any rate, I started thinking about how much easier my life would be if he would start doing his share of the financial part of being a parent. And then I started to get indignant, and started thinking "I work SO hard."
And then I started thinking "No, you don't ACTUALLY work SOOO hard. I mean, you LIKE your job. It's not that difficult."
And, what's worse, is that thought made me feel, somehow, like L wasn't obligated to contribute financially to the support of the household. As if I somehow have to really be sweating it to warrant his providing for his family. As if being happy and having plenty for myself and the kids somehow precludes him from having to take responsibility.
I can't get over how very fucked up this line of reasoning is, and yet...I think it's really ingrained in me. It's going to be a difficult one to get over, and I have to really be careful and pay attention to how this manifests in other relationships.
*I found the 20 bux when I got home, and was greatly relieved.
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Comments
Even if you love, love, love your job- finances are a struggle. If he paid even just for groceries, imagine having that mich less to worry about. And maybe even having a little extra for you to play with! You might not have to get all that upset over $20.00.
Even if you were wealthy, he should contribute to the cost of caring for his own children. Because he's their father- he should love them enough to do that for them.
Ah, the old yoke. Whether or not your work feels hard, it is work you are doing. And whether or not a father even loves his kids (I'm not saying L does or doesn't), he is supposed to provide for them. It's his duty. Just like even if you were wealthy and not only didn't need his cash but could afford to care for your kids yourself all the time (or pay a nanny) he should still buck up to clean up their barf, or take them places, etc. As always, Dru, your self-awareness makes me sit back and think "Wow, what I probably don't know about myself!" :)
i really don't understand it...doesn't the old man have ANY friends, family, etc. telling him he should be supporting the little shavers he helped bring into the world????? what we have there is not merely the neurosis of an individual but the failure of an entire social structure...i hold all his musician buddies to task for not tapping him on the shoulder and saying "dude: feed your kids. rehearsal can wait." this has been a musician dude public service announcement - thank you. [would joe strummer ever have not helped take care of his own kids? i think not!]
okay, enough ranting - much love and peace in the new year - and don't forget to ROCK [double-metal-horns]
I'm struggling with this now too - when my ex and I were together he contributed nothing but was "present" as a parent so I let the money slide - I liked my job and it made me feel guilty to get into an argument about money I didn't really *need*. Now we're broken up and he's not contributing financially or by being in our son's life much. And I don't need the money, but I'm taking his ass to court on the principle. It's not about the dollars spent, it's about the intention, the effort, to provide for that which you brought into the world.