Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: January 2004 Archives

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« December 2003 | Main | February 2004 »

The most bizarre things seem to happen to me...

January 31, 2004

sometimes I wish I could just lay my hands on someone and transfer all fo the events of my life from me to them, like in that movie The Crow, so they would just understand, you know? Instead, there's all this...stuff...that hangs there in the air, and remains unarticulated. It's nice, because it's like five million conversations and 20 million discoveries and joys and mysteries. But the understanding is what I'm looking for. For someone to understand me, and for me to understand someone else.

Five million conversations, and usually I get to conversation number 4 million, 999 thousand 9 hundred and 99, and I suddenly forget who it is I'm talking to and who it is who is talking to me. Like, it ceases to matter, and then I have to start all over again with someone new, and I don't want to have to do that anymore. I just want the hand laying-on thing.

And sometimes, like now, something rare occurs. There is a presence. Just a knowledge of someone Being There. Just there. And there's no longer any urgency...like those five million conversations could stretch out over 5 million years, neverending, and that yawning time wouldn't seem like too much and it feels like I might never grow impatient for that understanding because in the meantime there's a different kind of understanding. An understanding without urgency or strife. An understanding that is quiet and gentle.

And it's funny, because I thought I was alone in this room, and I was just singing at the top of my unselfconscious lungs, and then I looked up and there you were. Just...there. And I had a sense, for a time, that I was in control I could quit anytime, but suddenly I'm gripping the edges of things and jittery. My insides are warm, but I'm shaking outside like I have some sort of flu and ohshit, is this what I think it is? And Oh, damn...it's about time for what I think this is.

Gripping the edges of things and hearing new meaning in all of the Sad Songs on the radio, and staring at the moon. And feeling total understanding when my son tells me "Mom, I don't want to love you, because if I love you, then there won't be room in my brain for all of the other stuff that I store there."

And the most bizarre things seem to happen to me. I don't know if it's just because I have a low threshold for what qualifies as strange, or if I just am in tune to the details, but I'm still, I'm shaking right now, and I'm wanting. I'm wanting. I'm wanting to just lay my hands on you and rest there. Just rest in the knowing.

Posted at 12:40 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

RePost: 1/29/2003

January 30, 2004

I just got a comment on this post over at the old full bleed blog, and re-reading it, I was kind of impressed with myself. I'm feeling lately like my writing has been falling short...like I'm not really raising any important issues or writing with the same clarity and passion that I used to. Not sure if that's just insecurity on my part, or if it's just that my current life situation is not really conducive to those detailed posts that I used to write. I know that throughout my life my writing has waxed and waned, and, well, whatever. I might as well not bother to dwell on it so much, but I did want to repost that old post, because I really like it...It was written after the state of the union address last year, just prior to the war, and it only got like 2 comments:

Heaping the Price of Wealth on the Backs of the Poor

I get the sense that most rich people just can not understand why I don't like them very much. So I think maybe I should attempt to explain this in as simple terms as possible.

No, it's not about jealousy, or wanting what "they" have. It's not about laziness, and idleness breeding contempt. What it's about is incredulity at the sense of entitlement I've seen exhibited by the wealthy. Most recently, by Mr. Smug himself, our unelected resident, king George.

Here's the deal. Wealth is not accumulated in a vacuum. In fact, in an economy based on scarcity and exchange of intangible dollars for tangible goods, wealth is actually built out of the blood, sweat, and skin of many many people. I know for a fact that when I lay down my hard-earned dollars to buy a pound of tofu, someone at the bottom of the tofu chain worked hard for the fraction of the penny on that dollar that they will receive.

This sweat-product ratio is not by any means static. You might think of it as a pyramid scheme with freedom and sovereignty of human individuals as the building blocks. The higher up on the pyramid you are, the more people you have had to step on to get there. And even standing at the pinnacle, or any point, really, exerts a tremendous amount of pressure on those supporting you. It's crucial that we are aware of this. I don't think many people are.

Turning a blind eye to this reality serves a very important function. It enables people who are undeserving of what they have to blame the needs of the less fortunate, who are frequently characterized as lazy and self-serving (ironically enough). If you pretend that wealth is not accumulated at the expense of hard working people who do not even see a fraction of the wealth, it's easy to form an argument that requiring the wealthy to contribute an exponential amount of their wealth to the general good is somehow unjust.

It is not unjust. Accumulation of wealth requires and exponential amount of resources. And not only that, but for the people who are at the base of the pyramid, supporting the weight of the wealthy, it is exponentially more difficult to acquire the basic necessities of life. In a structure built on scarcity, this is the reality.

You can see, too, why it's so important for the wealthy to disempower and disenfranchise those who are functioning at the base of the pyramid. Without the base, the whole fucking structure collapses. So it's important to keep those at the bottom in line by, oh, I don't know...acting like they are in danger of attack, constructing a system whereby they must compete in order to get ahead, proclaiming it "God's" will that they do their duty, or simply by making it so difficult to maintain the weight that they can't even think about doing anything else.

If you think people like George Bush aren't aware of this...if you think this pyramid analogy is some sort of accident...think again. Think HARD. Think about history. Think about the present. Think about the false promises that were made last night. Think about the costs of war. Think about who REALLY pays. And think about the weight you feel on your shoulders as you are thinking about it. And then think about what YOU can do about it.

Posted at 3:34 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

blogging about blogging

January 30, 2004

There have been a few events over the past few days that have caused me to think about the act of blogging, what I am consciously attempting to achieve here, and some possible unconscious outcomes of what I am doing.

First of all, I've been contacted in the recent (and not so recent) past by a few people from my past. People I have missed. People I am glad have found me via the blog, and who I hope to maintain contact with. It's a wonderful and nice side-effect of getting really high google hit ratings or whatever.

Second, I've experienced some weirdness around people who I know locally finding my blog and having some awkwardness about whether to reveal that they read my blog. I certainly don't mind people reading this blog - if I did, I wouldn't spout off in a public place - but I'm not sure what the ethic of blogs is for people who read this and don't really know me well...what do I expect of them? Is it better that I know they are reading? Or is it best that they remain anonymous. I think I would like to know, so if you are reading this, and you are someone I see in my real life...please let me know. At the very least, I will be able to attempt to refrain from saying something mean about you. hahaha.

Third, both of these things together make me feel a bit vulnerable in terms of having exposed so much of what makes me function as a human being. I remember there was a discussion about racism back at the old surreally blog in which I ended up saying something like "I'll feel more comfortable when all of this dies down and I go back to getting my usual 35 or so hits a day." I get a lot more than 35 hits a day these days, and it always makes me feel weird when I get 200 plus hits and NO comments. I would much rather get fewer hits and more interaction so I don't feel like I'm doing some sort of emotional strip tease for a silent audience. I know that a lot of people come here off of google hits and don't necessarily read anything that I've written, but...I dunno.

That's not to say that I'm going to stop doing what I'm doing. I've been putting my personal stuff out there in one form or another for practically my whole life. And, I suppose, in the zine days it was even less apparent who was reading the stuff...at least now I have sitemeter to tell me. Still, it's something to consider...something I'm considering.

Also - how difficult is it for someone to be involved with me in my personal life? Do my friends DREAD the idea that I might blog about them? Does it make it somewhat more exciting? Is it disappointing when I DON'T blog about them? Because, for all that I write here, there is much that I do not.

Anyway, this is what I"m thinking about today as I dance around and pacify boo-boos and mediate arguments and do the standard mom-type things.

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Posted at 2:03 PM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

Date Night.

January 30, 2004

So, tonight is my monthly date night with Monk, and my friend John has invited us to his house to play games on his x-box. Monk is so thrilled, he can barely contain himself. Last night, he confided in me, quite earnestly.

He said: Mom...I want you to know that I'm mainly going to be concentrating on John tonight...I MIGHT have a conversation with you every ONCE in awhile, but mostly I'm going to be hanging out with John.

Isn't that cute?

His papa gave him a marker pen last night, and he's DRAWING. I'm so thrilled. I've been so distraught over the fact that he never draws, feeling like there's something strange about a little boy who doesn't like to draw....but there he is right now, going to town with his little tongue sticking out as he concentrates, drawing these little picture stories. A pirate ship, an alien, and a diving board and swimming pool that are closed. YAY! I'm running right out to the store today and buying a million of these "Bic Grip Permanent" pens, as they are the only pen Monk will draw with...or so he claims.

So, here he is, drawing up a storm. And it's so awesome. And we're both totally looking forward to tonight...

Posted at 11:01 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

I'll be here

January 29, 2004

It took me an entire day or maybe two at most to decide to just set up a seperate blog at fullbleed.net to post to while I'm at work. So, if you miss me, I'll be here.

Posted at 4:34 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Zagg's Post

January 29, 2004

OK, i have a little time here, although I just posted and accidentally deleted a bunch of rambly stuff about being a mom and about my allergies and about how delightful it is that people like Zagg exist in the world and how he's an inspiration to me...but I don't feel like recreating that, so I'm just going to get down to business...

In his "Kitchen Sink" post, Zagg says:

There's some striking numbers in a recent MSNBC poll.
52 percent of respondents don't want Bush re-elected compared to 44 percent that do. Yet 78 percent feel that Bush will be re-elected.

And I have to say that my first reaction was echoed by someone from Randomwalks who said that this statistic pointed to the fact that maybe people believe that no matter who they vote for, the election will be stolen by Bush anyway. Which is just another way in which disillusionment and disempowerment is manifested. It's one thing to believe the conspiracy theories, but it's another to act in a manner that only serves to uphold their validity, if you know what I mean.

There are literally millions of people walking around right now all feeling completely alone. Isn't that insane?

Quite. And, as you acknowledge in the following paragraph, it's insane by design. Keeping us isolated is the best way to keep us in line. And, at the same time, what will it take for us to stop contributing to that isolation. Because in my post yesterday, you made the very valid point that blaming the American Public is blaming the victim, as the media and our elected officials conspire against us, but at what point are we responsible for rising up and taking responsibility. How many of us uphold the status quo out of fear of being inconvenienced? And how do we convince people who are basically trained to equate collectivism and community with a loss of individualism that community is the best way to nurture individualism and cultivate true freedom?

Answers! I need answers!

I definitely believe that you are correct that the anti-war movement was far from a total failure. For one thing, there is really no way to gauge what things would be like now had there not been so very many people expressing very clearly that we're at least alive, awake, and paying attention. It's like saying that if a dam doesn't stop the flood completely, it's completely ineffectual and might just as well not be there. Which we all know is utter bullshit, but I'm sure people will continue to assert it as fact.

I think the false dichotomy of Democrat vs. Republican is just another way of keeping us isolated. It's amazing to me how much I encounter the continued insistence that I am either one or the other. It reminds me of a conversation I had yesterday with Ms. Insane after reading an e-mail from a local homeschooler which included the direct quote "all good things are driven by god, and all bad things are driven by satan!" People have such a need to externalize and categorize good and evil as if they are seperate identifiable THINGS, and I think that happens with Democrat vs. Republican, no matter which "side" of the coin is being argued. Ms. Insane said something like "It's in all major faiths, and it exists so blame can be laid." and I think I added that if you externalize "goodness" and "evil" you don't need to take responsibility for your own actions.* I think our 2-party system is set up so that you can abdicate your responsibility to the party of your choice, and claim the other party is responsible for all of the evil in the world, rather than figuring out what you (individually or, better, collectively) can do within your sphere of influence, however increasingly small that sphere becomes.

Did that even make sense? I think the caffeine combined with the allergy meds is making me a bit loopy.

And one thing that I have really been trying to find the words to blog about, that I would really love to ask in a forum where a lot of right-wing folks are crowing about the economic "recovery" is, really...what do they want me to do that I'm not doing so that my children will be sure to have food and shelter and medical care? Because, quite honestly, I'm working pretty hard here, and my children do have food and shelter, but it's certainly not a lock. And they do NOT have health care. And all I hear about from the right wing, and really even the left wing is that everything is fine, everything is groovy, and only those undesirable "lazy" people are deprived of basic necessities. I really would like to challenge anyone who says that to live a fucking day in my life, make it through the day with all of the potential worry and strife and hard work trying to maintain composure and positive attitude and NOT blow a fucking gasket. And I don't even really have it all that hard. I mean, I'm way more privileged than a LOT of people I know who are working EVEN HARDER and have EVEN LESS of what EVERYONE deserves.

Bah. So, yeah. Economic recovery my ass. It can recover right back to the false delusions of the tech boom, and people will still be struggling to make ends meet here, not because of any policy decisions by any presidential hopeful, but because, yeah, the entire system is set up so a few can make out like bandits and acquire enough wealth so that they can totally isolate themselves from those who are deprived of basic necessities. And the cycle goes on and on and on, and it's so much easier to pretend it's not happening when there's an assumption that, even if bush isn't defeated this year, it'll only be "four more years" before "things change."

And the fact is that STILL the majority of people in this country are not even included in the election process. Still people do not participate. And still politicians choose to ignore rather than include these people, because they know that if they attempted to include them, they'd have to be accountable to them. And that would be dangerous.

*DISCLAIMER: This is not to say that if you practice or observe a major religion, you necessarily externalize good and evil and are irresponsible. I know many religious people who are very conscious and aware of how their actions effect the world, and to whom this does not apply, but I also know that a very great many so-called religious people use this false dichotomy and externalization as a means of avoiding responsibility for their actions. Which is not to say that athiests or other types of religious people don't do this, either...but it's a flawnalogy...deal with it.

Posted at 4:28 PM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

Zagg rocks.

January 29, 2004

Zagg sends me an e-mail asking me for a "favor" - which basically consists of reading his blog and commenting. He's so funny. His blog is one of my favorite things in the whole world, and I consider it an honor to read his writings. However, today I have a really bad sinus headache and am sneezing so I can't see straight, and I've only been able to skim his last two posts, which are both essential reading. I would love to provide commentary and continue the discussion, but all I can muster right now is a link. Please go there. Link to Zagg. Read him every day. Tell all of your friends about him. He's where it's at.

(did I overkill on the links, Zagg?)

Posted at 1:38 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Not Liars, Vandals!

January 28, 2004

This is an interesting article in which it's asserted that the Bush administration didn't consciously LIE, they just totally vandalized the system to the point where lying was really kind of unnecessary:

The point is not that the President and his senior aides were consciously lying. What was taking place was much more systematic—and potentially just as troublesome. Kenneth Pollack, a former National Security Council expert on Iraq, whose book “The Threatening Storm” generally supported the use of force to remove Saddam Hussein, told me that what the Bush people did was “dismantle the existing filtering process that for fifty years had been preventing the policymakers from getting bad information. They created stovepipes to get the information they wanted directly to the top leadership. Their position is that the professional bureaucracy is deliberately and maliciously keeping information from them.

Posted at 10:47 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Oh, Holy Fuck. The Whole Country Has Gone Mad.

January 28, 2004

I managed to stay up late enough last night to see a snippet of this interview of George Bush in which he basically admits to having totally lied and then FURTHER misleads the public by once again implying that Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11 (I'm having the most difficult time finding this quote, but last night on FoxNews Bush really did imply that Hussein was linked to 9/11, and the Kay report casts further doubt on the connection between Hussein and Al Qaeda, in spite of Ashcrofts babbling (about EVIL) to the contrary.)

I have a question. How many people in the Bush administration/coalition will have to resign and speak the truth before the American public gets a grip on the fact that they have been lied to repeatedly, and are still being lied to?

I have to admit that editorials like this are encouraging, although I doubt they'll net much result in the current climate.

It feels like the American public are experiencing a collective recovery from an abusive relationship. Some of us have already fled. Some of us are just reaching to the phone to make the call to the hotline. Some of us are cringing in the corner in the dark. And some of us are actively being beaten down by the system.

Tell me, are you in a safe place?

Posted at 9:56 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Homeschoolers and College - take THAT!

January 28, 2004

Yahoo! News - Colleges Noticing Home Schooled Students

Educated at home from kindergarten through high school, Holly Porter said the flexibility of home schooling made the transition to university life easy.
"It prepared me better than going to a regular high school would have because I was independently motivated," said Porter, now a graduate student at the University of Denver.

neener, neener, neener.

BTW - I assigned HOMEWORK to Monk last night, because he wanted to work in his graphing workbook, but he also wanted to play Age of Empires. I told him to just do the graphing workbook later, and he did FIFTEEN pages. He gets so proud of himself when he does that.

Today, we're going on a field trip to the Mansfield Dam. I might see if I can find some good material about dams online if he seems interested after the tour.

We're doing so much fun stuff here. I'm psyched about how our days are flowing. The kids are happy, mama's happy, life is so great...

More later, I'm sure.

Posted at 9:40 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

2 Songs

January 27, 2004

Nick Cave's Boatman's Call is, in fact, the world's most perfect soundtrack to love. And lovin'.

I know I've said it before, but it bears repeating.

*swooooooooon*

Are You The One That I've Been Waiting For

I've felt you coming girl as you drew near
I knew you'd find me cause I longed you here
Are you my destiny? Is this how you'll appear?
Wrapped in a coat with tears in your eyes?
Well take that coat babe and throw it on the floor
Are you the one that I've been waiting for?
As you've been moving surely toward me
My soul has comforted and assured me
That in time my heart it will reward me
And that all will be revealed
So I've sat and I've watched an ice-age thaw
Are you the one that I've been waiting for?
Out of sorrow entire worlds have been built
Out of longing great wonders have been willed
They're only little tears, darling, let them spill
And lay your head upon my shoulder
Outside my window the world has gone to war
Are you the one that I've been waiting for?
O we will know, won't we?
The stars will explode in the sky
O but they don't, do they?
Stars have their moment and then they die
There's a man who spoke wonders though I've never met him
He said, "He who seeks finds and who knocks will be let in"
I think of you in motion and just how close you are getting
And how every little thing anticipates you
All down my veins my heart-strings call
Are you the one that I've been waiting for?

Brompton Oratory
Up those stone steps I climb
Hail this joyful day's return
Into its great shadowed vault I go
Hail the Pentecostal morn
The reading is from Luke 24
Where Christ returns to his loved ones
I look at the stone apostles
Think that it's alright for some
And I wish that I was made of stone
So that I would not have to see
A beauty impossible to define
A beauty impossible to believe
A beauty impossible to endure
The blood imparted in little sips
The smell of you still on my hands
As I bring the cup up to my lips
No God up in the sky
No devil beneath the sea
Could do the job that you did, baby
Of bringing me to my knees
Outside I sit on the stone steps
With nothing much to do
Forlorn and exhausted, baby
By the absence of you

Posted at 2:43 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

I am SUCH a nerd

January 27, 2004

I'm all excited because my favorite episode of Liberty's Kids is on.

COMMON SENSE James, Sarah and Henri meet Thomas Paine and learn of his belief that the common man can rule himself. The Kids also hear Paine's stand favoring full independence from England. James is particularly impressed and realizes that his work on the paper is as important as that of soldiers firing guns.
HISTORICAL CONTENT
Thomas Paine publishes his famous pamphlet called "Common Sense." It is an instant best seller, read by everyone from General George Washington to the lowest private in the army. This has a profound effect on the mood of the colonists and helps push the colonies further along the road toward freedom.

mmmmmmMMMMmm...revolutiony!

Posted at 10:41 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Arundhati Roy on Empire

January 27, 2004

The New American Century

Unlike in the old days, the New Imperialist doesn't need to trudge around the tropics risking malaria or diarrhea or early death. New Imperialism can be conducted on e-mail. The vulgar, hands-on racism of Old Imperialism is outdated. The cornerstone of New Imperialism is New Racism.
The best allegory for New Racism is the tradition of "turkey pardoning" in the United States. Every year since 1947, the National Turkey Federation has presented the US President with a turkey for Thanksgiving. Every year, in a show of ceremonial magnanimity, the President spares that particular bird (and eats another one). After receiving the presidential pardon, the Chosen One is sent to Frying Pan Park in Virginia to live out its natural life. The rest of the 50 million turkeys raised for Thanksgiving are slaughtered and eaten on Thanksgiving Day. ConAgra Foods, the company that has won the Presidential Turkey contract, says it trains the lucky birds to be sociable, to interact with dignitaries, school children and the press. (Soon they'll even speak English!)

That's how New Racism in the corporate era works. A few carefully bred turkeys--the local elites of various countries, a community of wealthy immigrants, investment bankers, the occasional Colin Powell or Condoleezza Rice, some singers, some writers (like myself)--are given absolution and a pass to Frying Pan Park. The remaining millions lose their jobs, are evicted from their homes, have their water and electricity connections cut, and die of AIDS. Basically they're for the pot. But the Fortunate Fowls in Frying Pan Park are doing fine. Some of them even work for the IMF and the WTO--so who can accuse those organizations of being antiturkey? Some serve as board members on the Turkey Choosing Committee--so who can say that turkeys are against Thanksgiving? They participate in it! Who can say the poor are anti-corporate globalization? There's a stampede to get into Frying Pan Park. So what if most perish on the way?

As part of the project of New Racism we also have New Genocide. New Genocide in this new era of economic interdependence can be facilitated by economic sanctions. New Genocide means creating conditions that lead to mass death without actually going out and killing people. Denis Halliday, who was the UN humanitarian coordinator in Iraq between 1997 and 1998 (after which he resigned in disgust), used the term genocide to describe the sanctions in Iraq. In Iraq the sanctions outdid Saddam Hussein's best efforts by claiming more than half a million children's lives.

[...]If all of us are indeed against imperialism and against the project of neoliberalism, then let's turn our gaze on Iraq. Iraq is the inevitable culmination of both. Plenty of antiwar activists have retreated in confusion since the capture of Saddam Hussein. Isn't the world better off without Saddam Hussein? they ask timidly.

Let's look this thing in the eye once and for all. To applaud the US Army's capture of Saddam Hussein, and therefore in retrospect justify its invasion and occupation of Iraq, is like deifying Jack the Ripper for disemboweling the Boston Strangler. And that after a quarter-century partnership in which the Ripping and Strangling was a joint enterprise. It's an in-house quarrel. They're business partners who fell out over a dirty deal. Jack's the CEO.

As usual, wise and inspiring words eloquently spoken by Arundhati Roy.

Posted at 9:14 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

rain gutter bookshelves

January 27, 2004

Someone talked about these Rain Gutter Bookshelves on the local freecycle list, and I thought it was such a good idea, I needed to share it.

Posted at 8:47 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

By the way

January 26, 2004

I can no longer access my blog or my mt interface from work, so I won't be able to update from there anymore. I might put up a work-link blog up at fullbleed.net...or maybe I could just really start working on getting Clothespins for the Revolution up and running, or posting to the number of other blogs that I'm supposed to be posting to.

Either way, I'm going to really miss my special time when I first arrive at work after taking the bus and have a million ideas running through my head, so I'm going to have to come up with SOME way to get it out there.

Posted at 1:40 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Everyone Deserves Music

January 26, 2004

Something about the quiet peace of forgiveness keeps me going. Today's lunchtime conversation with Monk was called "Daddy doesn't live here anymore." He seemed to need assurance that daddy wasn't a mistake. He seemed to want to hear that papa deserves music.

Oh, monk monk yes monk I tell him. I would never for a minute regret the time I have spent with your papa because look look what he brought me. And I fell in love with your papa because he was smart and funny and kind and fun to be around, and he is still smart and funny and kind and fun to be around, we just don't get along. We have problems individually and together that make it so difficult for us to get along. But I work to still see that goodness in papa when I see him and try to understand his inherent goodness.

Monk says "That's what I've been trying to tell papa to do with you, and it's hard for him." I understand it's hard, but I'm so glad you understand my sweet sweet beautiful son. There is no sense in feeling hatred even if I AM angry. And every day is a clean slate. Just like how we start the day over when we start heading in a bad direction. And everyone is worthy of a second chance. And you will always have the chance to know who your papa is, you will not be denied that chance even if I am angry with him.

And Monk talked about how he might have a step father or a step mother one day and maybe step brothers and step sisters and I told him that might happen one day, and is that scary? Yes, monk says, yes...that's scary to me. But, I tell him, I will make sure that anyone who is allowed into your life is someone who will be nice to you and treat you and me and your brother well. I won't allow someone who mistreats you into our lives. I just won't I will make sure you are safe, above all else. And maybe, says Monk, maybe that person will be good to have in my life...maybe it would be nice to have more people in our family. To make our family even bigger than it is.

More love, my little monk. More love is never a bad thing at all. More love and more forgiveness, and even our worst enemies deserve music.

(and we don't stop.)

EVERYONE DESERVES MUSIC - Michael Franti & Spearhead:

Everyone deserves music, sweet music, everyone deserves music, sweet music.

Seven in the morn' step on the floor, walk into the kitchen and you open the door.
There ain't much left in the bottle of juice,
Because the seeds that you planted never reproduced.
Computer still runnin, but your mind has crashed,
Because the plans that you made never came to pass.
Now you reconizin' the times is hard,
When you tryin' to take a bite out of your ATM card.

Everyone deserves music, sweet music,
Everyone deserves music, sweet music.
Even our worst enemies Lord, they deserves music, music,
Even the quiet ones in our family, they deserve music.

Ginny's home life wouldn't stabilize,
At the age of 15 learned to drink and drive.
No one ever could seem to empathize,
Makin' babies in the back seat on traquilizers.
Papa never was much a rolling stone see, he just like to sit and drink alone,
Mama always tried to do the best she could.
She would work all day and then come home to cook but,
We all vain, we all strange, we all drained, we all love to just complain.
But nobody wants to seem to get along, ya see, we got shame, we got pain,
We got blame, we all a little bit insane,
So that's why I sing this song ya know because...

Chorus

So I pray for them and I'll play for them,
So I pray for them and I'll play for them.
We all vain, we all strange, we all drained, we all love to just complain.
But nobody wants to seem to get along, ya see, we got shame, we got pain,
We got blame, we all a little bit insane,
So that's why I sing this song ya know because...

Chorus

Posted at 12:49 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Triggers & Dinner Parties

January 26, 2004

So, it's been an interesting weekend. An introspective weekend. I'm finding myself becoming involved with someone in a way that I haven't become involved in a long time, and it's very nice. He's very nice. He's almost exactly the opposite of what I'm used to in the best ways possible.

And I'm discovering a couple of things in the midst of this. For one thing, all of this stuff that I thought I had already dealt with (thank you very much) is all rushing to the forefront of my consciousness. Scars I thought were completely faded are becoming exposed, and forcing me to re-deal with things. And every time this person tells me something about myself that is nice, I about burst into tears.

But what I'm also discovering is that I have learned a lot, and I'm able to apply what I've learned. I'm able to stop myself from reacting to these triggers, to consciously decide what I REALLY think about something, rather than what my initial response might be, and I'm able to trust not only this new person, but also myself...my instincts. That feels so good.

I'm also discovering the value of friends. My trustometer has been known to give faulty readings, and it's good to have people around me to tell me "It's ok to trust. It's ok to give. We'll keep track of this stuff and let you know if you're not seeing a repeat pattern of violation. You go. You trust. You forgive and heal." I'm so, so thankful for all of the wonderful and supportive people in my life.

So, yeah...on an emotional level, that's what I'm dealing with. All of that and a healthy dose of PMS had me crying all day yesterday, and almost caused me to cancel my dinner party, which would have been a mistake.

I'm glad I didn't cancel. I decided as a new year's "resolution" of sorts that, in addition to having monthly potlucks, I would have monthly "dinner parties" with one or two families. A little less work than the potlucks, but just as much fun. Not a dinner party like "come over to my house and I will serve you", but "come over to my house, help me prepare a delicious meal, and let's all sit down and eat together." It's lovely. I've really come to enjoy making meals with my friends and for my friends. Everyone really liked the endive and rice soup that I made, including Monk. And Pansy baked good wheat bread and kate brought a lovely salad. She's queen of lovely salad. And just the company, the conversation, the joy of sharing food with people on a mellow sunday evening was really nice. The kids all played, and we all goofed and everything was very very groovy.

Monk gave all of the kids magic wands and yu-gi-oh cards as parting gifts, which I thought was really sweet. His precious yu-gi cards! What a guy!

And I put to bed the pseudo-trauma between me and my new friend. There was an act of dishonesty committed before we had really built a trusting relationship, and the act of dishonesty was surrounding a trauma he had experienced which was absolutely significant. The act had nothing to do with me, but his profuse apologies and feelings of guilt had me confused, thinking there was more to it than he was letting on. But there wasn't. He "came clean." I forgave. I don't even know that I needed to forgive. But I feel like I know myself a little better, I understand him a little better, and I'm hoping this only adds more to our friendship.

I went to bed feeling very positive and refreshed about life. And I woke up feeling the same way. The sun is shining like mad out there, and I think it's going to be a gorgeous day.

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Relationship Lesson number 2,321,314,124

January 25, 2004

The person with whom you are in a relationship is not responsible for the wrongdoings in previous relationships. Each relationship should come with a clean slate...and that includes both sides. Caution is good, but assumption of guilt and intended hurt is not.

A hummingbird, indeed.

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For Suture

January 25, 2004

A hummingbird can come into a house and a hawk will not: so rest and be assured. While looking for the light, you may suddenly be devoured by the darkness and find the true light. --Jack Kerouac

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meme time

January 25, 2004

Visited States

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

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I just really wanted this to be on my blog

January 25, 2004

I haven't been listening to the news a lot, so I can understand why this might have evaded my attention.

Pentagon and CIA officials appear to have accepted that there is little point in searching for weapons stockpiles in Iraq, and will now concentrate on auditing Iraqi claims of their destruction.

But, you know, shouldn't it be front page news or something? After all, the myth that there WERE weapons of mass destruction was front page news. And every alleged FINDING of WMD was front page news...

Sigh.

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Rule by the Capricious and the Corrupt

January 23, 2004

But now the corporations need cheaper labor because they must pay decent (read "too high") wages in America and that cripples profits. The world now becomes the playground for this most recent "Industrial Revolution." Never mind that we learned about exploitation of workers -- unsafe working conditions, no health coverage, no child labor laws, no retirement benefits, no job protection, and no labor rights -- two centuries ago during our previous industrial revolutions here and in England; laborers in China, Malaysia, Vietnam, Mexico, and any other country that can be controlled and exploited must endure what English and American workers endured before the laws caught up with the corporations - and that took a hundred years! This is the freedom Bush promises: freedom for exploitation, freedom for investors, freedom to profit at the expense of people unable to protect themselves.
Consider the benefits of "free markets": "U.S. workers lost 879,280 jobs as a result of NAFTA in the past 10 years - with all fifty states and the District of Columbia losing jobs to NAFTA between 1993-2002" according to Robert Scott (the Economic Policy Institute). If we can do this poorly with two nations involved, imagine the number of jobs yet to be lost when we migrate our jobs to 34 nations upon implementation of FTAA! But lest one think that the Mexican citizen benefitted from America's loss of jobs, think again. "The cost to the Mexican consumer has risen by 257%" since the inception of NAFTA and the "earnings of Mexican growers of corn, wheat and rice, along with beans, have plummeted" (LA Times, Nov. 20, 2003).

Who, then, benefits from such agreements?

Find the answer here.

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More on the Dean Scream

January 23, 2004

A post full of links about the Dean Scream, media hype, and conspiracies atBody and Soul

Most disturbing was this bizarre, almost surreal short article from the washington post. I'm sorry, but a major newspaper, even if it IS a Murdoch newspaper, accusing a presidential candidate of being a conspiracy freak for raising very valid issues about e-voting is enough to make ANYONE a conspiracy freak.

Gah...it just gets more and more frightening.

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Yesterday was good

January 23, 2004

I was getting unreasonably impatient with Coley yesterday. He was playing with legos all day, and would erupt into frustrated shrieking every 5 minutes. He'd give me just enough time to start doing something, like a chore or some writing...and then he'd flip out and yell "MAMAINEEDYOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" and I'd mutter under my breath all the way into the room where he'd be holding up several pieces of legos that he'd been using to create one of his "machines" and say "FIX IT!"

Hell if I know what goes where, right? So I'd just put the pieces where it SEEMED like they went, and he'd shriek again because I was doing it wrong and I'd get all frustrated and impatient with him and tell him that I had no earthly clue how to fix this particular kind of machine, so he was going to have to fix it using his imagination...and then I'd get back to what I was doing, and the same thing would happen all over again.

Towards lunch time, I was getting so that I felt guilty that I wasn't just sitting down on the floor and playing legos with him, but my house is a freaking mess, and I needed to just really clean. And I started feeling really resentful of the fact that L is able to just come over and focus on the kids and really never has to do any serious cleaning of the house. He usually takes care of his dishes and sometimes tidies a room, but that's it. And I just feel like I'm ALWAYS running around trying to keep the place at least sanitary if not clean.

Bah.

So when we sat down to lunch, I talked about how I was feeling badly that I seemed to not be able to just sit and play with them lately. Monk was all "Don't worry about it, mom...all we ever do when dad is here is watch TV and watch him play computer games. We do a lot when you are with us."

I was all "Really? Do we do enough stuff? I mean, I feel like we don't DO enough."

Monk says "Nah...don't worry about it."

That kid is so cool. Then we talked about our spring garden a bit. Monk wants to plant watermelon and strawberries and a green apple tree. He had spent the morning holed up in his room reading a book about Ancient Egypt, so I grabbed that book and quizzed him a little. Coley acted silly. I really love our lunch table conversations. It feels like we all really come together at that time, and I'm thankful we have that.

After lunch, I set about cleaning up Monk's room, and Monk played house with Coley. Monk was the papa, and Coley was his baby...and Monk had to put cole in Preschool so Monk could go to college (Later in the day, I realized that his imaginative play was reflecting our discussion about whether or not homeschoolers could go to college, and I got all choked up about it in a happy way.) They played this game for like 3 hours - Monk would come "home" from "college" and feed cole macaroni and cheese and pizza. At one point, Monk wanted me to babysit cole so he could go to a movie by himself. Cole cried for his "papa" when Monk left him. It was just so fucking adorable I could hardly stand it. I have these moments with them sometimes...when I become hyper aware of their play together...when I just feel totally overcome with their awesomeness and it's hard not to just burst into tears.

Speaking of bursting into tears, as I was cleaning up Monk's room, I found an old picture of L. A few of them. Pictures where he is smiling or looking youthful and not so dragged down. And I just started crying. I just get overwhelmed with emotion. It's not the kind of thing where I regret our separation or pending divorce. I'm certain I don't want to be involved with him in that way ever ever again, and there's no weakness for any of that. But what I do feel is a sense of loss...like he has died. I see none of what I once saw in him, and that makes me very sad. Because he was a good man. I thought he was a soulmate. Maybe he still is. I always have a tiny glimmer of hope in me that someday, years and years from now, he will just snap back into this other person that he used to be. I don't invest much energy in it, but when I see old pictures of him It makes me really sad. Makes me sad just writing about it, actually.

Anyway, I finished cleaning up Monk's room and Monk finished playing with Coley and I went to work and did work things and then came home and put coley to bed and played a game of clue with Monk. And then my friend J came over and gave me candy and other good things. Very good things. And we laughed a lot and talked, and I love that I can be my mama self and my friend self and so many other kinds of selves with him. It's nice to hang out with people who don't have kids and who don't make me feel like their sick to fucking death of hearing about my kids, you know? And it's also very nice...more nice than I can say...to have a friend like J who is so damn NICE to me. I don't think he realizes that when I tell him he is NICE it's like the highest compliment I can give to someone at this point.

So, J stayed kind of late and I didn't get much sleep and was tempted to be grouchy in the morning, but coley started laughing just about the instant he woke up and monk was in the bed with us and he woke up laughing, too...so we tickled and snuggled for a bit and then the boys got up to do their morning things and I got up to make myself some coffee and we all went about our morning.

L came over and went to play with coley in the playroom and monk jumped out at me and said "Hey! You turned that frown upside down!" And I was all "No I didn't, I've been smiling all day!" and he giggled and ran off and found L. I heard Monk say "Hey! You turned that smile upside down!" And I was gripped with that sadness again - realizing that Monk knew it, too. But what can I do, you know? I can only try be as pleasant as possible under the circumstances.

Tonight will be fun. It's the skating rink for a birthday party with the kiddos and then Pansy and her family will be coming over for a little after party socializing. I think the kids will have so much fun. I got Monk's friend, who is an aspiring comic book artist, some smooth bristol board and pastel pencils. I wanted to buy him some india ink, but I thought that might be too above skill level. Looking at all of that stuff, though, reminded me of the comic book artist I used to live with. Made me want to try to draw myself. But, gah...I think I'm really horrible at drawing...I would have to invent a style that hid my technical insufficiency, and that might be something I just don't have time for.

So, here I am right now at Spider house. Eating some tempeh chili, thinking about my yesterday and night and today. Feeling a little dreamy. I should be answering e-mail, but my head's not there. I think I'd like to just take some time to feel dreamy for awhile and see where that takes me.

Hope you have a wonderful day...

livelifelove
drucilla.

Posted at 12:43 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Well, this is certainly interesting

January 23, 2004

I haven't really heard this report in the American media...am I just not listening closely enough, or has it not been reported?

At the time Gun, who was sacked after her arrest and whose case is funded by legal aid, said in a statement: 'Any disclosures that may have been made were justified on the following grounds: because they exposed serious illegality and wrongdoing on the part of the US government who attempted to subvert our own security services; and to prevent wide-scale death and casualties among ordinary Iraqi people and UK forces in the course of an illegal war.' She added: 'I have only ever followed my conscience.

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dubya speak dot com

January 22, 2004

I hadn't stumbled across this site before...but it's good for a chuckle, or a stifled sob, depending on my mood.

It's not a dictatorship in Washington, but I tried to make it one in that instance.
-- Chilling way to describe his executive order making faith-based groups eligible for federal subsidies, New Orleans, Louisiana, Jan. 15, 2004

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Media Conspiracy?

January 22, 2004

Does anyone else find the actual video of Dean's (in)famous "I have a Scream" speech anti-climactic after hearing all of the fucking hoopla? I'm not even a Dean supporter, and I'm suspicious of the attention being paid to this. For weeks, there's been this build-up as Dean as this Angry Man. I have seen this man speak, and...yeah, he's angry. He's angry and he's passionate and he's emotive and he's articulate...and there ain't a fucking thing wrong with that. It really does seem like the media set him up for a total character assassination and then moved in for the kill at the earliest opportunity.

But the speech he gave after the Iowa Caucuses wasn't particularely "creepy" or "scary" or anything, that's just really what the media wants us to believe. It sounded like, yeah, his voice cracked at the end when he was saying "yeah." Like he was really into what he was saying and his vocal chords reacted to the very real physical manifestations of stress and excitement. Whoop-de-shit. You know?

Anyway, I wasn't really thinking about this or worrying about it until I heard about the moveon.org ad and the superbowl. CBS is refusing to run the moveon.org ad during the superbowl, even though moveon.org is more than willing to pony up the ridiculous fee for them to do so. This, in such close proximity, time-wise, to the Dean smear campaign, just kinda makes me go...."hmmmm."

You know? You really gotta wonder.

And you also really gotta take a peek at this, because it's really quite hilarious, and I think is more in the spirit of Dean's actual speech.

Posted at 7:08 PM • Comments (10) • TrackBack

The missing library book

January 22, 2004

I FINALLY found How I Got My Shrunken Head...now I'm just missing a stupid video case and a means of bribing library personell to reduce my fines so I can start using the library again. I freaking HATE when this happens.

Meanwhile, coley keeps taking bites of his graham cracker, getting them all chewed and gooed in his mouth, and then sticking out his tongue at me. He calls it a "tongue tattoo." I finally had to insist that he stop.

Nothing interesting here. I need to do the dishes and clean up the house. We were going to take a trip to a flower shop and start planning our spring garden today, but Monk is thoroughly engrossed in a book about ancient egypt, and I'd rather not distract him from that. Coley is doing "pro bails" off of a giant playground ball. I'm mad at Monk because he read ahead and finished the Lemony Snicket book we were reading together, and I was really enjoying it. I'm not sure if he will let me read it to him.

I'm hoping my friend J will come over and fix my vacuum cleaner for me tonight and maybe watch a movie. I've been expending all of my analytical energy typing really long e-mails to him first thing in the morning and sometimes also last thing at night. Maybe I'll copy some of them here. The floor in the playroom is desperately filthy (mostly dried play-doh). The dogs are once again scratching at the door even though it's lovely outside.

Today is my friday at work and, further, half of my class period today will be taught by a volunteer instructor. It should be easy. This class is going well...perhaps too well. We cut the curriculum in HALF, and I was worried that the clients would not be able to keep up, but they are doing fine. In fact, most of them finish their assignments well within the allotted time, and I'm worried that I'll get to the last week of class and there won't be ENOUGH time to cover the last remaining topice. But we're ahead by half a day already. I'm psyched if this two week class works out well, because it gives me more time to really be a manager and to focus on outreach and volunteer outreach. I love teaching, but I need to sharpen some other skills, like networking, which I am notoriously bad at doing.

Did I mention this house is a mess?

Oh, coffee...I think I've had a bit of it. Can you tell?

Posted at 10:35 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

A message from the freeway blogger.

January 21, 2004

I got this via e-mail today, and thought it was inspirational, so I figured I'd share it.

Hi there Drublood! Don't go on hiatus just yet... or if you must, consider joining us here at the People's Advertising Network on the freeways. I've spent the past two months painting and posting more signs and installations here in California, the fruits of which can be found now at the site:
http://www.freewayblogger.com

While the website features mostly the larger, more audacious signs, it's the smaller ones, posted along the peripheries of the freeways that last the longest and probably have the greater effect: little reminders like "The War is a Lie." and "Osama Bin Forgotten". I've probably put up a hundred of those between San Diego and San Francisco... kind of like a Johnny Propagandaseed. Will it make a difference? Who knows. All I know is it's my duty to do whatever I can to wrest the control of information from the tentacles of the moneyed and back into the hands of the people.

Favorite movie line (from my favorite novel as well): Jack Nicholson in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" after trying and failing to lift a sink to throw through the window: "I tried... goddammit. At least I did that."

These are crucial months ahead. Keep fighting the good fight any way you can. Then, if we lose in November, we can always travel. Thanks for your support Drublood - enjoy the site.

-Scarlet P.

Wise words. If you haven't yet visited The Freeway Blogger site, I suggest you do so.

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the novel

January 21, 2004

I just sat down and wrote an outliney type synapsis of the novel I've been trying to write for years now. I'll probably have to write the synapsis about a hundred more times before I am satisfied with it.

I think the problem is that it's a fictionalized account of my real life, and in writing it, I'm trying to draw meaning and metaphor from events that probably had no real meaning or metaphor. Which is not to say that's an impossible or even unworthy effort...but there's a lot of stuff that is so difficult for me to figure out and piece together. In a way, though, it's empowering...because I am able to create my own meaning and sense out of some tragic events in my life that were both meaningless and senseless.

The story abruptly ends in my mind with two deaths closely spaced - a suicide and a heroin OD. The weird thing is that I'm fighting an urge to continue the story past that punctuation mark, and to end with a note of hope and continuity. 5 years ago, I would have accused myself to selling out to Hollywood ideals of happy endings, but it seems inappropriate for me to end a story which is ostensibly about the importance of a youth movement with such tragedy.

Or maybe not.

I'm still trying to figure it out.

Posted at 2:06 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Boundaries

January 21, 2004

I just scanned down the page for this week of posts, and I realized that I haven't really been writing anything terribly interesting. I've considered putting the blog on hiatus for awhile, but I do have some things to process out loud here and maybe if I keep putting forth the effort, something more interesting will come of it. I get kind of tired of all of the inner work, too...and crave to write long, involved rants about the government and other less personal things...but it just doesnt come. There's to much distraction right now. Good distraction, for the most part, but...distraction nonetheless. Some of the distraction comes from my external world (these next two weeks, I have no time to blog while at work because I'm teaching a class) and some of it comes from my internal world, and all of it is necessary. (Right now, coley is making some bizarre request that I can't decipher and the cat is attempting to sit on my lap but keeps falling off and Monk is playing Age of Empires and the dogs are play fighting int he backyard and the birds are singing and shit.)

But, anyway...where was I.

Oh, yeah. I wanted to make sure it was clear what I mean about "an ideal" because Tonio misinterpreted me last night, and I worry that if Tonio misinterpreted what I was saying, others might, as well.

What I seem to be focusing on in my obsessive way is creating a standard (or ideal) of existing in a relationship with another human being that is not defined by default but defined consciously by myself and the individual with whom I am in the relationship. Any relationship, really. Certainly, as r@d@r pointed out, all of the work of defining would collapse under the age old "what the fuck, let's wing it"ism of love, but establishing and recording this ideal would give me something to look back on when things don't feel right. A map, maybe, to help me to return to a path when I feel lost. I'm all for taking the back roads and making things up when I go along, but the destination is pretty integral to the journey, even though the getting there is, yes, at least half the fun.

In terms of the "ideal partner" I spoke of earlier...what I mean by that is I feel that it is necessary at this point in my life to really think about what is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY...what I'm unwilling to compromise on (because, yes, as susan points out in the comments on the last post, compromise is important...but compromise on important issues can also be counterproductive) and what I'm willing to be flexible about. There is absolutely no way that I can list everything, but I can list the most important things. Guidelines, not rules. Reminders, not a handbook for living.

I do realize, too, that my relationship with L was fairly unhealthy, and there are residuals from that which are informing my obsession with these issues. At the same time, I think what I am trying to do in setting these guidelines is totally healthy. It doesn't come from a need to control outcome, but from a desire to know what I want, at least in a vague way, before I begin. So much of my life has been lived "on the fly" and without real conscious thought. I've been a big proponent of "letting things happen" and no doubt I will continue to live in the moment even when I have my roadmap. However, just like I'm finding that having an outline of structure to my days with the children is conducive to a more peaceful flow of days - I feel that having an outline or rough sketch of how to handle relationships will help me to notice warning signs - and to determine whether those warning signs mean "turn around and don't look back" or "proceed with caution."

So, at some point, I'm going to have to stop writing about THINKING about writing up my ideal (I have been joking for months about writing my list of ideal characteristics of a future partner, but I'm half serious, too.) and actually writing it. But what I'm trying to get with these clarifying posts is an idea if anyone has an ideal that they can share...

I got myself in trouble a month or so ago because I said something like "If I ever have another child, I want to be in a situation where I can stay home with the children and not have to work outside the home for at least three years." The person who took issue with that statement is someone whose opinion I respect and admire, but I still can't figure out why that was an offensive statement to her. I'm not sure if she was not understanding my desire to set up guidelines for myself (guidelines which surely would be re-evaluated when they become relevant, but that would give me a sense of anchorage to an ideal, even if I were to choose to deviate from that ideal.) or if there is something inherently offensive in that statement that I did not (and still don't) see. That's what I'm getting at, though. Writing a series of ideals that I can choose to deviate from, but which might give me pause before deviation.

I think it's called forethought.

Does that make more sense?

Posted at 8:52 AM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

Using the children to gain or maintain control.

January 20, 2004

I had an interesting conversation today at lunch with Monk. He's been talking for months about how he wants to be a professional baseball player. Today, he proclaimed that he has given up on his dream to be a baseball player.

I, of course, was curious as to why. I got this answer:

"Because papa tells me that in order to play professional baseball, you have to play college baseball, and homeschoolers can't go to college."

Fuck him. FUCK. HIM. Gah. Now I'm tasked with having to unravel Monk's feelings about this, and helping Monk to understand that he doesn't have to hold these things inside if he feels conflicted, upset, or worried. I set him straight that he would indeed be able to go to college if he desires, and his face lit up.

"I'm reinstating my dream, then!" He exclaimed (the little smarty-pants!)

I did feel that it was necessary to add that, while he should very definitely pursue his dream to be a professional baseball player...it's true that very, very few people who play baseball become professionals. I considered, but decided against, saying that it was likely that, as a homeschooler, he might have more time to practice than most of the people who come up through the public school system.

But, shit...you know? What the fuck is this undermining bullshit? I didn't want to press Monk into being a middle person, but I did ask him what he felt about homeschooling, and whether he wanted to go to school. He said he'd rather be a homeschooler even if it meant he wouldn't get to be a baseball player. He said he wouldn't get to see his friends if he was a schooler. I told him that of course he would see his friends, either way...I mean, I don't want BOTH of his parents feeding him manipulative half-truths about their preferred method of education. Monk said, "Yeah, but I won't get to participate in my homeschooler activities." And we talked about which activities he could and could not participate in if he went to school.

The conclusion was that Monk really enjoys homeschooling. And I'm writing this down as further evidence that Monk's father clearly feels like he needs to use whatever methods available to him to manipulate the situation to whatever he feels is his advantage. I made it clear to Monk that, of course, I preferred that he homeschool, but that if he felt conflicted about something one of his parents was saying about his choices, he was free to bring those feelings to me - even if it's ABOUT me. And he seemed relieved by this.

I'm not quite sure what L is hoping to gain by confusing and alienating his kids, but that's pretty much what he is doing. Perhaps he thinks that I brainwash the kids into thinking like I do (which is ridiculous, considering how rebellious and outspoken Monk actually is), but the kids really enjoy being at home with me. We have fun. Today we did math all morning. Monk did computer games and is going to do some brain quest tonight. He worked out his telling time issues, and practiced adding monetary values. We talked about poetry. We talked about the theories of the origin of life, evolution, and the revolutionary war. He knows what's up, and L should know this. There's no reason to fuck with his world. His world is just fine, thanks.

Can the other parent in this relationship PLEASE grow up and let his son breathe a little. Can we not insert pessimism and doubt into everything in this small child's life, please? Can we at least ATTEMPT to act like a reasonable adult?

Thank you.

Posted at 2:11 PM • Comments (8) • TrackBack

relationships...

January 20, 2004

I am trying to find time to write a post about my problem with boundaries and how it affects my relationships and potential future relationships. And I'm trying to figure out my ideal relationship, as well as a list of things I would need and want from an "ideal" partner. This, among the other zillion posts I want to, but can't seem to find the time to, write.

Anyway, I'm wondering if I'm the only person who wants to totally rewrite the rules of a committed relationship. Certainly there must be other people out there who wish to do the same. What are you ideals? What would you change, given the option? How would you go about communicating your ideal or the changes you wish to see to current and future partners?

Is anyone brave enough to answer these questions?

Posted at 12:03 PM • Comments (10) • TrackBack

peeance freeance

January 19, 2004

This totally cracked me up:

"Dishonest Dubya" Lying Action Figure

Thanks to Ms. Lauren for the link.

Posted at 11:39 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Those greedy protestors!

January 19, 2004

In a time when Seattle is in deep need of money for its schools, its health care systems, for affordable housing, for public transportation, etc., we are paying $250,000, and rightly so, to protesters who were grotesquely violated at the WTO protests in 1999. And Seattle did not learn from that riot, as it produced two more unnecessary police riots in 2003, which still need to be addressed properly by officials, and perhaps the courts. Perhaps using this WTO case as precedence.

Don't they realize that they were being beaten for their own good? For the good of the nation? For the good of the WORLD.

If they didn't want to be beaten by cops, they should have stayed at home and watched sports (and/or political events*) like good little americans.

*permalinks don't work for Kerri's site, but it's the post from 1/19/2004 about the caucases as compared to a sports event - to which I say, "amen, sister."

Posted at 11:19 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Your MLK Reading list.

January 19, 2004

I haven't been able to muster any original thoughts, so are some links about MLK, Jr. It's late in the day, I know, but I'm finally getting a chance to read and reflect.

Jason weaves a host of links in with his usual touching eloquence.

Atrios points out how close we are to history.

There's an inventory on the state of the dream 2004 at Negrophile. And more of that report at znet. And at The Black Commentator.

Misquoting King at CounterPunch...and more in this post at uppity-negro...and more at LiP Magazine.

Another excellent article about the latter years of MLK, Jr. from the archives of LiP Magazine, and more from the archives of The Black Commentator.

Just My Thoughts links up the Martin Luther King, Jr. Paper Project.

Republic of T posts a couple of links to various articles.

Roni and United for Peace and Justice ask us to honor the memory of Dr. Martin Luther King Junior by getting active.

Nakachi reminds us.

Ms. Lauren contributes some salient observations to the occasion.

And I'm going to have to come back to this post at Talk Left when monk and I do our bedtime lesson this evening.

UPDATE: Aldahlia tells a story.

I'd love to link and read more, but my time here is up. I hope you enjoyed your day, and are energized to take on tomorrow, next week, next year...

Posted at 8:13 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

What's wrong with this picture?

January 19, 2004

Aaron links up some of the right-wing blogs who are taking issue with this satirical military poster at whitehouse.org.

Evidently, their urge to form a knee-jerk argument against anything that contains the word "whitey" and an image of a "non-whitey" has blinded them to the real message of the poster. It seems all of the righties are arguing that this poster is strictly a dig on Dr. Rice, rather than a very astute observation about the status of people of color in the current administration (well, likely ANY administration...but we'll just use the current administration as an example).

Posted at 7:12 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

southern born children

January 19, 2004

I got everyone all set to go to the mlk day parade and festival. We were all dressed up, bundled with extra layers in the backpack. I had my bus pass, some extra food, and everything I thought we might need for a mid-january adventure. I just needed to get everyone to the car so I could grab Monk's heavy jacket.

We got about 5 steps from the house, and Coley started screaming "MY HANDS! MY HANDS! MY HANDS ARE SOOOOO COLD! WARM MY HANDS!" The child will not wear mittens, but he couldn't deal with the "chilly" 40 degree weather.

So we stayed home and made art instead. I figure that's a fitting way to peacefully remember the life of the great Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. I might try to convince the kids to head up to the festival with me a little later, as the weather has taken a turn for the sunnier, and I don't think Coley will freeze. But the inertia...tends to keep us home.

I hope the march was well-attended. I hate missing stuff like that. I really wanted to be there.

Posted at 10:48 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

dog blog

January 18, 2004

I'm getting really irritated with the dogs. It's been raining for the past 2 or 3 days, and I have felt like I've been trapped in this house with three stinky, farting animals. So, today it's not raining, and it has dried out a bit, and I'm really ready for them to spend a significant portion of the day outside.

Evidently, they have different plans, because they are sitting on the back porch, alternately sniffing under the door, whining, and scratching at the door. I keep going to the door and yelling "GO PLAY!" but they don't appear to be listening to me.

Gah, I just want one morning free of dog fart odor in my house. Is that TOO MUCH to ask?

Posted at 10:47 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

riverbend on changes to marriage law in Iraq

January 16, 2004

Riverbend gives her educated analysis of the changes to marriage laws in Iraq, and ends with this:

I usually ignore the emails I receive telling me to 'embrace' my new-found freedom and be happy that the circumstances of all Iraqi women are going to 'improve drastically' from what we had before. They quote Bush (which in itself speaks volumes) saying things about how repressed the Iraqi women were and how, now, they are going to be able to live free lives.
The people who write those emails often lob Iraq together with Saudi Arabia, Iran and Afghanistan and I shake my head at their ignorance but think to myself, "Well, they really need to believe their country has the best of intentions- I won't burst their bubble." But I'm telling everyone now- if I get any more emails about how free and liberated the Iraqi women are *now* thanks to America, they can expect a very nasty answer.

Thanks to Christopher for the link, and for additional commentary on this subject as well as the status of women's rights in "the new Iraq."

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In case yr coming here from there...

January 16, 2004

It's not about exclusivity, "clubs," or blacklists. It's about expecting people who espouse a certain viewpoint to maintain consistency in their behavior OR to at least be open to hearing when it's observed that consistency has not been maintained.

The more defensive one is about being called bullshit on, the less likely one is to actually look towards changing the behavior that interferes with true community.

The only exclusivity involved is a lack of desire to explain things to someone who claims to already know what it's about. The only blacklisting is my unwillingness to put myself out there for someone who has no desire to be mutually respectful...there are certain opinions that I just don't want to hear here, because I don't feel that they are made by individuals who are self-aware and/or sincere and/or earnest.

And, hey - even in an anarchist society, I would get to choose my friends. And I've long since accepted the fact that there are some people I JUST. DON'T. LIKE.

And, no...this is not an invitation for certain individuals to post in defense of themselves. I don't care to hear it. Maybe you should sit with it for awhile and either reflect in your own space, or go there again and talk about how I'm crazy and projecting my negative feelings about my husband on you (and maybe all men) or whatever other bullshit justification you feel is a valid excuse for you to avoid actually listening to someone else's reason to doubt your credibility as a political/social progressive, much less radical.

Oh, never fucking mind. Anyone who can read that and reduce it down to "she claims she doesn't like me, but she's just mad because I mentioned that men can be abused by women, too." is obviously too much of a flaming idiot to bother with, anyway.

Posted at 1:49 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Hole in the Bucket

January 16, 2004

There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza dear Liza
There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza a hole

Go fix it dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry
Go fix it dear Henry, dear Henry, fix it.

With what shall I fix it, dear Liza dear Liza
With what shall I fix it, dear Liza with what

With a straw dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry
With a straw, dear Henry, dear Henry, with a straw

But the straw is too long, dear Liza dear Liza
The straw is too long, dear Liza too long

Cut it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry
Cut it, dear Henry, dear Henry, cut it

With what shall I cut it, dear Liza, dear Liza
With what shall I cut it, dear Liza with what

With an axe, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry
With an axe, dear Henry, dear Henry, with an axe

The axe is too dull, dear Liza, dear Liza
The axe is too dull, dear Liza too dull

Sharpen it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry
Sharpen it, dear Henry, dear Henry, hone it

On what shall I sharpen it, dear Liza dear Liza
On what shall I hone it, dear Liza on what

On a stone, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry
On a stone, dear Henry, dear Henry, with a stone

But the stone is too dry, dear Liza dear Liza
The stone is too dry, dear Liza too dry

Well wet it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry
Well wet it, dear Henry, dear Henry, wet it

With what shall I wet it, dear Liza, dear Liza
With what shall I wet it, dear Liza with what

Try water, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry
Try water, dear Henry, dear Henry, use water

In what shall I fetch it, dear Liza, dear Liza
In what shall I fetch it, dear Liza in what

In a bucket, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry
In a bucket, dear Henry, dear Henry, in a bucket

There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza
There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza a hole

(I'm probably going to be adding links to relevent news items to this a bit later...suggestions?)

Posted at 11:36 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

About a Sweater

January 16, 2004

This post by Jhames made me totally appreciate the medium of blogging. Where else can you read something so deftly written by such an articulate writer, and laugh and say "I love you" in the comments without feeling like a crazed fan/stalker.

I didn't feel like myself the moment I donned the sweater. The bottom of the sweater was woven with some kind of elastic which clung tightly to my waist, and the overage of fabric poured weightless gravity on my body. I looked at myself in the mirror, an unhappy and uncomfortable man with someone else's name on his chest. Still, the weather outside was cold and I could all the additional heat I could gather. I slipped my peacoat over the sweater and made my way into the city for work.

I am a total fan of all of the blogs I read. You must go read this post, though. It's a tragicomedy.

Posted at 11:29 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

A Letter to Ma Nature

January 16, 2004

Why I love Madame Fabulous:

[...]We do appreciate the 15 minutes of autumn. We must give credit where credit is due.
And now, here we are, knee deep in winter. And, oh what a winter. It has been so cold {CHORUS: How cold was it?} that in order to start a fire, we have to thaw out the old one. It has been so cold that — and we deeply regret this joke — Gordon Campbell had his hands in his own pockets. It was so cold that Toronto called in the army. (OK, we must grant that the last one is applicable to any situation, and therefore a cheap shot. On the other hand, with the money we are spending on heating, cheap shots are all we can afford.) In fact, it has been the kind of cold snap that causes transplanted Winnipeg and Quebec ex-pats to surface like rodents on Groundhog’s Day, looking to play shinny hockey and ingest poutine in a most unholy way.[...]

Posted at 10:23 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Randomness, sort of.

January 16, 2004

I will get to the interview questions, eventually and gradually. And the cd's will be sent out accordingly. Thanks to everyone who participated. All of the questions were so cool, and will be totally fun to answer...but there's only so much in a given week that I can pretend I'm a celebrity, you know?

The birthday party, as it turns out, is next Friday. I was duly warned by L that I was NOT to expect him to "do this" again. I told him that he best inform his son of the fact that his father is not to be expected to participate in his life outside of the home in any meaningful way. I asked L if he was going to get the present, or if I should...L snorted "I'm not getting a present!"

Later, when I was trying to explain to L how it was important to monk that his papa get to meet his friends...to defend myself against L's accusation that I somehow "set Monk up" to expect his papa to take him to the birthday party(Yeah, right. I have time to coach my kid to set himself up for disappointment) I said something like "Look, it's not my fault you don't ever leave the house with the kids and make friends with people with them." His response to this was something along the lines of "Yeah, unlike you - so you have more people to dump them off on."

Now, I'm not just saying this stuff to prove what an a-hole L is. I'm saying it because a year ago...maybe even a couple of months ago...this would have gotten to me. This implication that I'm a bad parent and the children are only items of convenience (!) and incidental pride for me. I would have totally fallen for that, and probably felt bad about myself all night. Yesterday, though, I saw it for what it really was, and I responded accordingly. I told him that shit doesn't fly anymore. That he really has to choose which it is - do I spend too much time with the children, or not enough? That he can't get me coming and going anymore like he used to. Those games don't play anymore.

And I don't even know what he said in response, because I was already out the door.

And on the way to work, I was wondering what the result of the discovery that the party isn't until next week will be. My alone time next Friday is from noon-5. The party is from 4-6. I'm certain L will claim that I need to interrupt my alone time to take Monk because part of it it falls outside of his time with the kids. He will feel justified in this. If I tell him that doesn't work for me (I honestly don't give a fuck, so long as the kid gets to go to the birthday party...and I'm not going to play his stupid fucking game of tug-o-war for power) that I'm somehow refusing to accommodate him or being a bitch or any of a number of prefab reactions L has to not getting his way.

And I realize that this is less of a power struggle with me, and more a struggle for L to justify his own failings. I could be anyone. I need not take it so personally. I just need to take care of myself and my children, and wave off all of these false accusations and attempted character assassinations.

But I really wish he would stop eating my fucking food.

Posted at 10:13 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Walked home in the rain

January 15, 2004

And it was nice, but I was too worried about whether or not my laptop was getting wet to really focus on something good to write about. So what I'm going to do is make myself a big bowl of popcorn and sit in front of the tv for a little while and see if something comes to me.

I might wiggle my toes a little bit, too. Because it's almost exactly the perfect temperature, outside and in.

Posted at 10:56 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Go Home You Stink

January 15, 2004

Yahoo! News - Hundreds Protest Bush Visit to MLK Tomb

Bush placed a wreath on King's grave before heading to a $2,000-a-plate fund-raiser in Atlanta.

Thanks to r@d@r for the link, and the commentary.

Posted at 7:47 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

chat

January 15, 2004

I will be in chat again tonight...finishing up some work and e-mailing clients. Feel free to come talk to me, but please be patient if I don't respond right away.

Posted at 5:17 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

It's one of those grey mornings

January 15, 2004

and rainy, and my clothes are hanging out on the line soaking in all of the water, and I"m trying to decide if I should bring them in and wash them again or if I should leave them out there hoping that the rain ends soon so they can dry...hoping they are still clean. Damnit! I should have brought them in yesterday.

The kids and I have been kind of cranky this morning, but nothing horrible. We don't have any big plans for the day. Tomorrow, Monk has a birthday party at a skating rink. ~~Even though it's during L's special one-on-one time with Monk, he won't take him. He'll stay home with cole, but he won't take Monk because "He doesn't know those people."~~ (I just found out after posting that that L decided that he will take Monk*. Monk seems so happy about this news. "I really wanted him to meet my friend Seth, mom." He said.)

Never mind that they are Monk's friends. You know? That's fine with me. Just one more event that proves that L is just not involved enough in the lives of the children to claim primary custody (if he was even thinking of doing that). Even when I was working more than full-time hours, I was always the one to shuttle Monk to his various engagements. He doesn't know "those people" because he so rarely takes the kids out of the house. He so rarely engages in social interactions with the children. I don't know if he ever does. And yet, somehow he feels entitled to force me to take care of all of that AND pay all of the bills, to boot.

The other day, he told me I needed to accommodate him, and I laughed out loud. And then I very calmly asked him if he felt that he was being at all accommodated in the fact that the children are in my care 75% of the time, and I pay 100% of their living expenses. Is that accommodating enough for you? Because, yeah, I feel that I'm a pretty empathic and accommodating person, and I'm no longer going to take his bullshit accusations about how I'm a mean and controlling bully who forces him to do things he doesn't want to do. That's bullshit. I know myself better than that now. He can attempt those mindgames, but I'm not playing. I'm still kind of guffawing at the fact that he told me that I needed to be more accommodating. Nyeesh. Yeah. Alright, pal.

But in the car on the way home from work last night, I realized that I have no need for him to watch the children any more than he does. Perhaps maybe an overnight stay with him once a week, and maybe one weekend a month...but no more than that. I enjoy my time with the children. I enjoy becoming acclimated to their ever-changing rhythms. I don't want to interrupt or disrupt this pattern that we have set over the past 3 years. I don't want to introduce that kind of chaos into their lives OR mine. L thinks I am attempting to take his children from him, but in reality I have done the opposite. I have bent over backwards to enable him to participate fully in their lives, and he has proven, time and time again, that he's only willing to particpate in their lives on his terms. If I happen to come home early...he's not interested in being here with them. If I desire to stay out late...he's not interested in being here with them.

I'm rambling. Grey, rainy mornings do this to me. There's a cat in my lap and I have coffee in my belly. I stay up later and later to accomplish the things that I want to accomplish. It makes me a little cranky in the morning, but I think that's a small price to pay. Last night, the house was relatively tidy, so I watched a movie. The house was so quiet when I wrote that Milk and Scissors thing. I think I will write more of those. A living eulogy for all of the people who have touched me throughout my life. I didn't get to sleep until 2:30, but it was worth it.

OK, I'm REALLY rambling now.

Oh, wait...before I post this...does anyone remember the Great Brain books by J.D. Fitzgerald? Last night, we read a chapter called "A Wreath For Abie" in the first book in the series, and I cried and cried. It was such an amazing chapter in a kids' book, about how a close-knit community of people allowed an "outsider" starve to death. Not through conscious intent, but through unconscious prejudice. It was really an amazing read, and it also had a message about the importance of supporting local/small businesses. I was kind of amazed. I remember the book from my childhood, but I really don't remember that chapter.

Posted at 10:13 AM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

Milk and Scissors

January 14, 2004

I want to sit and write, but I don't know if I can. I want to sit and write about missed connections and connections. About the last time I spoke to him...or the time before that. Before he became a papa. The time that I called him from the depths of depression, to tell him that I had been left. To tell him that I was seven months pregnant and had been abandoned. To hear him answer, surprised because he was about to call me.

"I'm going to be a papa!" he said

I feigned cheeriness for him. Congratulated him. Hung up without mentioning that I had actually called him because maybe, I thought, just maybe this would be the one time that we might both be relationshipless at the same time. Calling for a fix.

Like the time before that, deeply ensconced in my marriage, but just discovering the dissatisfaction that comes from wedded oppression - the thought of endless days and nights yawning like that dark distance that separated us. I was visiting my old stomping grounds, and we had us a time. First with another friend, and then he got me alone, took me to all of the places we used to go. My old apartment...the fancy hotel where we went the night of my housewarming party. He took me there to show me the strangely elaborate clashing designs of the wallpaper and carpeting, and then he descended upon me and we kissed and kissed and kissed until I thought i would never breathe again. Mouth on mouth on neck on lips on tongue on ear and on and on. That night we were reminiscing about it and he said "You always were a good kisser. You have such beautiful lips." and I wanted him but something stopped me. The better part of some sort of strange loyalty, in spite of the weight of responsibility which made me feel oddly carefree. I spent the night talking to him on the couch, but with my eye on the bedroom, but too afraid of an unnamed consequence. I had it all calculated in my head. How many steps to that darkened room, the door hanging invitingly open with the darkness of the bedroom spilling into the half-light of the room in which we were reclining, listening to handsome family laughing and reminiscing about the good old days.

When I hugged him goodbye that night, my lips brushed his neck, and he held me away from him for a minute. Contemplating. And the shadows created by the streetlight fell in the same exact way that the shadows fell the first time he looked at me that way in the park near my mother's house when I was 16 and he was 19 and he drove up to rescue me and we walked and talked until we came to that park and the sun was going down and there were all of those shadows and he ran his hands through my hair and told me that it was beautiful, that it looked almost purple in the light and he put his mouth on mine and moved and moved and moved teeth and tongue and lips and mouth moved on mine in a way that made me remember him the next day when I touched my aching jaw and sent those shocks of remembered love though my entire body.

That night, as he regarded me. That was the night I should have said goodbye. Or hello. Instead, I waited until I was properly fucked, so to speak. I waited until there were no other options. I waited until his final words to me were "I'm going to be a papa!" and even though we talked several times after that, he never spoke to me again.

Posted at 11:19 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Give it a Listen

January 14, 2004

You really have to listen to this interview. I was blown away.

Posted at 4:23 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Marriage in post-capitalist society

January 14, 2004

The conversation with Zagg about homeschooling in a post-capitalist society (a conversation that Zagg kindly recapped for me in an e-mail, and that I'm hoping to post here with my responses) got me to thinking about marriage and capitalism. I'm sort of still wondering how much marriage as an institution is more of a response to our capitalist, state-centered world than it is an expression of intimate love between two people. Maybe I'm jaded, but the contract of marriage seems more about creating an insurance policy against "going it alone" than anything else.

I'm interested in hearing what others think about this, and if anyone else thinks there would be a different kind of marriage if we didn't exist in a world in which our primary focus of the day centers around earning money to fund our miniscule amounts of "leisure" time.

Don't get me wrong, I am a TOTAL romantic. I believe in love, absolutely...I'm not asking whether people should fall in love and make commitments to each other. What I'm asking is if anyone has an opinion about the social contract of marriage and how it might manifest in a less money-driven society. I've been thinking about it all day, and will probably post my thoughts later.

Posted at 4:17 PM • Comments (11) • TrackBack

Dressed up into a woman!

January 14, 2004

I just put on a dress and some nylons. My hair has been up in two twisty pigtails since it was washed yesterday, and now it's all curly and "cute." I actually thought about wearing lipstick, but decided against it.

Anyway, I walked into the playroom and Cole took one look at me and exclaimed "You're dressed up into a woman, mama!"

And, as if that wasn't enough, he ran up to me, hugged me, and said "I LOVE you being dressed up into a woman."

I say "Coley, am I a woman when I'm not dressed up?"

Coley says: "No."

I say "What am I when I am not dressed up?"

Coley pauses for awhile, so I ask again, and he responds, in cookie monster voice "A NEWSpaper lady."

Posted at 3:01 PM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

Zagg in Chat

January 14, 2004

I have to quote Zagg here, because he rocks:

"I'm sure you know that trying to live under a post-capitalist model while we're still in a capitalist society creates lots of contradictions and difficulties, even when you do have somewhat of a support network."

See, if you were to visit the chat room, you'd get to engage in conversation with cool and interesting people like Zagg!

The chat room is open even when I'm not there...

Posted at 11:16 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Rhythm

January 14, 2004

My children have settled into an interesting rhythm of the day that I think is actually suitable for all of us, particularly for me, since I'm having this "not wanting to wake up in the morning" funk. Here's basically how our days seem to be flowing of late:

8ish-9ish - Monk wakes up, feeds the pets without being asked, and takes his hour of computer time. Mom lazes in bed. Cole sometimes lazes in bed with mom, sometimes goes to watch Monk take his hour of computer time (which, bitchy as it sounds, is preferable to me) I laze in bed, but sometimes get up and start doing the dishes or blogging. Sometimes Coley gets up first and he takes his hour of computer time with me present while Monk lazes in bed.

9ish to 10ish - Coley takes his hour of computer time, I get up if I haven't already, do dishes, fix breakfast for everyone, blog if I have time, let the dogs out, pet the cat (Poe is much less shy now that she's back, and she has the SOFTEST fur.)

10ish to 11ish - Morning circle/morning lesson

11ish to noon - freeplay (I'm trying to encourage them to play outside more) while I clean up the house and start preparing lunch.

Noonish to 1ish - lunch time. We all sit down and eat together, and then we clean up.

1ish to 2ish - I would like to start taking a walk at this time, but that hasn't happened yet. The kids just kind of start playing and I resume cleaning up.

2ish to 3ish - afternoon lesson

workish for momish

9:30ish - 10ish - bedtime circle, cole's bedtime

10ish-10:30ish - one on one time with Monk

Of course, there are a few days of the week where we have activities and engagements elsewhere, and on those days, the flow is different.

Doesn't that sound relaxing? I love having all of this morning time to really gather my strength. I think it's helping me maintain a level of calmness throughout the day.

Posted at 9:25 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Chat me, baby.

January 13, 2004

Once again, I will be in chat as I feverishly attempt to get the handouts for next week's class formatted. I might be distracted, but if you are persistent, I will notice you. Won't you join me?

Posted at 6:16 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

"Free" Press

January 13, 2004

The international news agency Reuters has made a formal complaint to the Pentagon following the "wrongful" arrest and apparent "brutalisation" of three of its staff this month by US troops in Iraq.
The complaint followed an incident in the town of Falluja when American soldiers fired at two Iraqi cameramen and a driver from the agency while they were filming the scene of a helicopter crash.

[...]
"They were brutalised, terrified and humiliated for three days," one source said. "It was pretty grim stuff. There was mental and physical abuse."

He added: "It makes you wonder what happens to ordinary Iraqis."

Aren't you proud to be an American?

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O'Neill on Cheney/Bush

January 13, 2004

Got the link to this article from T. Rex:

In excerpts from a new book chronicling his rocky two-year tenure and an interview with Time magazine, O'Neill said Bush balked at his more aggressive plan to combat corporate crime after a string of accounting scandals because of opposition from "the corporate crowd," a key constituency.
O'Neill, fired in a shake-up of Bush's economic team in December 2002, also said he tried to warn Vice President Dick Cheney (news - web sites) that growing budget deficits -- expected to top $500 billion this fiscal year alone -- posed a threat to the U.S. economy.

Cheney cut him off, according to the interview posted on the Time Web site on Sunday. "Reagan proved deficits don't matter," he said. Cheney continued: "We won the midterms (congressional elections). This is our due."

A month later, Cheney told the Treasury secretary he was fired.

Oh, but he's just saying that because he's trying to sell his book, right? And we're all conspiracy theorists, too.

Posted at 4:59 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

More Monk...and Mama, too.

January 13, 2004

I had a Great Revelation today that I was going to write about, but I got busy doing Other Things, and I forgot it. Maybe it will come back to me.

Aside from the call from the lawyer services, which basically served as a reminder that I make too much money to qualify for legal aid, it's been an excellent day. The kids and I played and cleaned and played peacefully all day. We got this game from L's mom for Christmas...it's called "Bucket Blast" and it's kind of a cheesy kit of beanbags and flags and straps and buckets and there are all sorts of games you are supposed to play with it. Well, we just made up our own games with it today, and it was fun. The kids really enjoyed it.

Monk is going through one of his "I am wonderkid" phases where he just is totally helpful and sweet. I love it! I mean, there was the room cleaning last night, and prior to that, yesterday afternoon he read books to coley while I cleaned up the house...and then on Sunday, he actually mopped the floor for me. As I left the house today, he was hanging out the laundry without having been reminded. What an awesome kid.

Against my own philisophical better judgment (OK, I'm somewhat on the fence about this, but tell me what you think) I have instituted a sort of reward system for Monk. I don't give him an allowance, but what I've started doing is giving him stars whenever he does something that is super helpful to someone else in the house or himself. Above and beyond. Like doing his chores before he's asked, or doing something helpful no one has asked him to do. Normally, I think rewards are really dumb, and I want my kids to be internally motivated. But I'm hoping to reward the times when he IS inwardly motivated, if that makes any sense.

So, anyway, the system goes like this - whenever he does something above and beyond, he gets a star. I put it on the calendar. At the end of the month, for every 7 stars he gets, he can choose a book from half-price books or goodwill. I figure, the most he'll get in a given month is 30 or so stars...and kids' chapter books at half-price cost about 2 bux each & at goodwill, they're 69 cents. So it's not like I'm dishing out anything extravagent, and besides...it's good for him to read anyway, so everyone wins. Monk seems to really like this, though. It's great to see a kid get so excited about earning some good reading material.

I decided while driving to work today that I must see the movie The Virgin Suicides. I have not seen it yet, but I've heard the soundtrack about a million times. Why haven't I seen this movie?

Evidently, I don't have anything incredibly interesting to say right now. I'll try to remember that revelation I had earlier and enlighten everyone.

Posted at 4:52 PM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

Monk's room

January 13, 2004

In addition to the cat, I got another surprise last night when I came home from work last night. Monk had cleaned his room. All by himself. He remembered to work in his workbook, too.

But his room! We got into an argument about it on Sunday before the potluck and I decided that I wasn't even going to bother with it. There were game pieces from 2 or 3 games all over the place, and I just get tired of cleaning that stuff up, but I also get tired of worrying that the dog might pee on it and ruin everything (we lost a puzzle last week for that very reason.)

Monk gets all out of sorts when things are messy. He claims he likes it messy, but then he never plays in there, and when asked to clean it up, he has no idea where to begin and just can't do it. I try to tell him to focus on cleaning up one item at a time, but that wasn't working on Sunday.

He did it yesterday, though. He cleaned and papa swept. And when I came home, Monk led me to his room and yelled "Surprise!"

I was very impressed, and told him so. Later, as he was sitting at the computer playing a game, he said, sincerely, "I feel proud of myself, mom."

Those are such nice words to hear.

Posted at 10:11 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

2 3 random items

January 12, 2004

I just posted a bunch of entries from my paper journals from January 1993 in the way back journal. It might be of interest to those of you who like reading about relationship angst and road trips and marginal free-form prose.

I also rearranged the about page. I didn't add any more answers to the interview questions I've been given (I will! I will!) but I did create seperate entries for each, so other people who are interested in answering the same questions can track back if they so desire.

Enjoy.

UPDATE: I just opened the door to my office to check whether the cat was inside, and found that Peace On Earth has returned. Poe kitty has been missing for a few weeks now, and I thought for sure she had slipped out, tired of the dogs, and found a new place to live. Perhaps she did, but evidently she is back. Yay for POE!

Posted at 11:43 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

There's a New Blog in Town

January 12, 2004

A Having Sort Of Girl. Check it out!

Posted at 10:57 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Welcome Rocco Americo DiNino

January 12, 2004

My new nephew
Born January 9, 2004

Posted at 10:41 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Brenda Stardom on Political Punks

January 12, 2004

I'm sick of the general consensus that punks are just that, punks, with no original thought or intelligence. A stain on society. Hardly. They've always been political. I've been speaking of the teens here for the holidays in other reports. They're both punk musicians, and I swear, they're more aware than most adults, like their counterparts on the message board. Now to wake that one kid up before it's too late to change his cemented mind.

Brenda Stardom [Main]

Posted at 8:58 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

I think I'm in a bit of a funk.

January 12, 2004

Maybe it has to do with the fact that all of the holidays are over (am I the only person who feels funky when it's over? It seems like everyone else is relieved)...or maybe it has more to do with my personal life than an calendar. But I feel kind of tired and lazy and not in the mood for anything today. I totally yelled at Monk this morning, because he was playing some loud game in the laundry room while I was cleaning up in the playroom, and I thought I heard my phone ringing & asked him to please be quiet so I could listen, and then I was SURE I heard it, but he was blocking the door and not letting me through...so by the time I got to the phone, voicemail had already kicked in and I was out of luck. I KNEW it was going to be the legal aid service, and it was. They call three times, and if I don't answer in one of those tries, I get queued all over again. This was strike one, but I was really REALLY mad, because I just want some closure on this so I can proceed with my life.

I guess I didn't really yell AT the kids, but I locked myself in the playroom and yelled "Damnit damnit damnit damnit DAMNIT!" about a million times. They probably heard me, but I was pissed enough to potentially take it out on them, so I'm glad I had the foresight to lock myself up and get it out of my system. I was still pissed when I came back out, but could at least see straight.

Anyway, but I was feeling in a funk before that. It's grey outside again and has been for days again. Last night's potluck was fun, but there was something missing. Maybe everyone is in a funk? I don't know.

At any rate, it WAS nice to see friends last night, even though I didn't feel quite as bubbly and vivacious as I would have liked. I got to see J and her lovely daughter and, later, her husband. They brought some much-needed coffee for me, pasta salad and cookies for the crowd, AND J made a perfectly beautiful potholder as a gift. C and P came over, and C very kindly trimmed my tree for me, because he's a sweetheart. He also changed my lightbulbs that I have been meaning to change forever. They're outside and really high up and I cannot reach them. He's threatening to do even more stuff around the house next time they come over. Pansy brought delicious fudge and helped me assemble the lasagna. K arrived and helped by just being her fabulous self and sharing her fabulous chili. J brought yummy corn bread, and played with the dogs and the kids and helped me lift heavy heavy things out of the oven (wink). S&S arrived a bit late, but not at all late, because they arrived just as I was pulling the lasagna out of the oven. They brought flowers and a book about baby catching and olives and bread.

It was delicious and the company was lovely. I'm not sure why I felt there was something missing, but maybe it's just that I'm spoiled from having had so much time with friends of late. Maybe it would be good for me to take a little break and be antisocial for a little while.

The kids all had fun, even though there were tears for Monk when he couldn't find his Yu-Gi-Oh cards, and his evil mama wouldn't help him find them (I have learned from other mamas of Yu-Gi-Oh fanatics that being "keeper of the cards - or even keep tracker of the cards" can very quickly become a full-time and very regrettable responsibility - so I don't even go there at all.) I think the belching contest he had with J after everyone else had left worked wonders to cheer him up, though.

Coley ate WAY too much fudge, but thankfully did not barf. I neglected to bring out the birthday cake...somewhat intentionally because there were so many sweet treats for the kids, I didn't want to add another thing to their sugar intake. And some guests left with a lot of yummy food to eat this week. I think I will be eating well, as well. I hadn't realized how very economically prudent lasagna is as a meal. I have about half of a 9/13 pan of the vegan one, and about a quarter of the cheesy stuff. Yum! We'll have lasagna all week. And bread. I'm eating the rest of the chili for lunch today.

So, yeah. Last night was fun. Today is funky. I need to get motivated to do some real work around here...wish me luck.

Posted at 5:12 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Happy Birthday, Aaron

January 12, 2004

Hey everyone, it's Aaron's birthday today. Go wish him a happy one!

Posted at 10:47 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

I should have posted this when it first came to me, but here it is now.

January 12, 2004

Baby Bloc: We Refuse to be Pacified

Call For Submissions for Activist Family Handbook

Deadline: April, 30, 2004.

Looking for short prose articles/essays that deal practically with issues of parenting and activism:

Subjects include but are not limited to:

Activist Kids and Teens; Child-safe demonstrations; Child-care at meetings/actions, etc.; Dead-beat activist dads; Teenage-parent activism; Family war-tax resistance; Disability and parenting; Lactivism; Queer/gender issues for parents and kids; Reproductive rights and health; Education (parent's or children's); Home-schooling; Racism; Housing discrimination; Poverty/welfare; Jail/prison; Environmental racism; Immigrants' rights; Globalization & Child-labor; Activist-family Music, Books, and Zines; Celebration-arts including stilt-walking and puppets!

Humor is Good.

5000 word limit (1 to 10 pages.)

Include SASE and short 200 word bio.

Also seeking comics, photos, and illustrations on the same themes, don't send original artwork, photocopies fine.

Mail Submissions to:

Baby Bloc
Laurel Dykstra and Bruce Triggs, Anthology Editors
c/o Guadalupe House
1417 So. G. St.
Tacoma, Wa. 98405

253-572-4247

(For questions only Babybloc@yahoo.com)

Posted at 10:33 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

The Contest.

January 12, 2004

OK, here it is. I need to build an "about" page. You, being human, have a great deal of curiosity about me in particular, or other humans in general. I need questions. Send me interview questions to answer for my about page, and I (maybe with the help of other readers) will choose the 10 best questions and reward those interviewers with a mix CD. THE mix CD.

All people who submit questions will be linked on the about page. Make the question(s) interesting. Make them fun. Make me expose my deep, dark secrets. Make me laugh. Make me cry...make me wish I never had this idea in the first place!

But whatever you do, don't leave me hanging! I'm leaving this post at the top of the page for awhile for maximum comment gathering.

Posted at 8:46 AM • Comments (27) • TrackBack

Second Sunday.

January 11, 2004

I vowed to have potlucks every second sunday, and here it is the first second sunday of the new year. And I'm preparing for the first potluck. I love e-vite, because I'm the kind of person who worries no one will show up EXCEPT the people that I want to impress by introducing them to all of my fabulous friends. Do you know what I'm talking about? And then those people show up first, and there's always an awkward hour or so before any other guest shows up where you feel like the world's biggest loser with no friends.

But e-vite changes all of that, because people RSVP, which is unheard of in Austin. So I know which fabulous friends to expect, and which fabulous friends to nag if they don't show up. hahaha. Nah. I don't nag.

I have a sense of calm that I've never felt before a celebration at my house. A sense that it doesn't really matter if the entire house is cleaned up. A sense that people don't really fucking care. The food will be good, but I also have this sense that I don't have to have the lasagna in the oven before people show up. That I can assemble them when the guests arrive, and I can even get help from the guests. It's a wonderful feeling. It's really been helping me to have people come over while I'm cooking, and helping or keeping me company. I don't even bother to tidy my house for those get-togethers, and I think that's good for me. I get clean house angst, and it's so dumb. Most of the mess isn't even mine anyway. I mean, there is someone who lives here for about 6 hours a day, messing and not cleaning. So, how'm I supposed to keep up? And who really DOES care, anyway? Do I care about it when I go to someone else's messy house? Do you? The kitchen is clean. The bathroom will be clean. The rest of the house might just have to stay untidy, because I have more important things to do.

The kids are totally cooperating by playing and watching the Pokemon movie. They aren't really even fighting with each other. They are such great kids, and I'm glad they will get to see their friends tonight. I'm also glad that the playroom is now play-worthy so the children can play back in that space while the grown ups talk in the kitchen and living room.

This is supposed to be my birthday celebration, but I'm not feeling my birthday anymore. I can't believe it was just last Monday...it feels like it was so long ago. I don't have a cake and I'm not intending to make one. I might run out and pick one up whenever the first gues arrives. I need mozzarella, anyway, because the other person who is here 6 hours a day (and doesn't buy groceries) used some of the mozzarella I was going to use in the lasagna. How frustrating is that? He tells me that if there's something I don't want him to eat, I should write a note on it. Ain't enough note paper in the world. How about a huge sign on the fridge that says "Why don't you try buying groceries for a change instead of consuming the ones I buy with my money that I earn and spend primarily on our children? Asshole."

Er, sorry...this was not supposed to be a bitch fest about the ex. It was about looking forward to communing with friends. I'm excited. The pasta sauce is bubbling on the stove. I have a plan of attack for the rest of the housework that goes like this:

~~do the dishes, start a load of laundry~~
~~pick stuff up off of the floors~~
~~sweep the floors~~ (this was dumb, because it should have come AFTER item 3)
wipe down surfaces
wash sink & toilet in bathroom
mop
tidy

I'll probably get at least done up to 4. That's the necessary cleaning. If it's still not 3 PM when I'm finished with that, I'll start working on 5 and 6. I'm all hopped up on coffee. The lasagna will go in around 4 PM or so. Maybe I'll wait until 5. I'm looking forward to seeing what everyone else brings.

I wish all of you could be here for second sunday. It will happen every month, so if yr ever passing through Austin, drop me a line and I'll invite you.

Have a lovely day!

Posted at 12:48 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Birdy

January 9, 2004

I'm sitting here at Mojo's and suddenly there's a bird flying around. Which sounds really neat except there are all sorts of windows everywhere, and the poor bird is confused and flying around bashing his head into windows.

There's a metaphor for my life that came to me when I first saw the movie Birdy. I just remember I came home from work one night and Birdy was showing on cable and I watched it...and there's that scene where the bird flies into the window - flies through the window...crashes through the window and dies, and I just burst into tears and couldn't figure out why it affected me so intensely. And then I read back through some of my poetry of that era and noticed there was a theme running through much of it...a theme of being trapped on one side of a window without being able to reach people on the other side.

The people with me in the coffee shop all rushed to the aid of this bird. Some people opened windows. One person tried to catch the bird by throwing his jacket over it. Some tried to shoo the bird in the direction of the open window. All of us cringed as the bird flew face first into the one window that could not be opened.

In the end, the bird flew out the door, and we all cheered.

Posted at 3:57 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Pansy

January 9, 2004

Have you visited with Pansy yet? You really should:

Well Bush talked about his plan for letting immigrants become legal documented workers yesterday, sounded nice but what was the catch? Oh ya, they had to be vouched for by their employers and conversely could be disavowed by their employers and then deported. Sound alot like slavery?

Posted at 3:22 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

The Marriage "trap"

January 9, 2004

Awhile back, Kara sent me this link to a critique about a book that takes a stand against the institution of marriage.

I have posted about my problems with marriage and monogamy in the past, but I also realize that I made those posts in the middle of an emotionally destructive relationship, so I'm really not quite sure what I really feel about these things today. It will be interesting to figure things out as I move through without the cumbersome oppression of my last relationship...I'm wondering how much I will change.

But, then again, I didn't really ever believe in monogamy when I was younger. It was only when I entered into my first "serious" relationship that I realized that I was way too insecure to not insist on monogamy from my partner. Was it insecurity? Or was it a natural desire to partner exclusively with one person and to demand the same from that person?

I don't rightly know. I do know that it's way too fucking hard to get OUT of a marriage once in it. Dangerously hard. In these past few months, I have often thought about how dangerous this situation I'm in would be if I had no financial power or resources. I'm not quite sure what I would do. And I'm betting there are lots and lots of women out there who are living their lives in Hell because they have no way out. So, I'm really intrigued by the "renewable contract" idea. No one should be trapped forever in a life with someone if they do not desire to be. Of course, likewise, if marriage is going to exist as a contractual agreement between parties for whatever reason they feel compelled to enter into a contractual agreement together, then there is no reason why EVERYONE can't get married.

I think my thoughts are muddled. I have a lot going on today/this weekend, and I probably shouldn't attempt to post about serious topics today. I should probably come back to this...later.

Posted at 10:59 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

The About Page so far.

January 8, 2004

Wow. I don't think I've ever talked about myself so much in my whole life. At least, I hope I haven't. And I think I've only done about 1/8 of the questions.

Posted at 8:56 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Messy Art Day

January 8, 2004

The first installment of messy art day was fun, but went totally unrecorded due to the fact that my camera is mysteriously broken.* Monk refused to participate, but Coley and I had fun squishing our fingers and toes in the tempera paint and smearing it all over the posterboard. It was really wonderful. And we now have two beautiful, colorful pictures to hang on the wall and admire, as soon as they dry.

I'm not sure why MOnk was being so curmudgeonly about the whole thing, but I will rope him into messy art day one way or another. I have the perfect plan, too. The first time it's warm enough, I'm going to have messy art day be mud pie day. Monk cannot turn down a messy mud pie extravaganza. There is no way he will say no to that.

Coley had fun, though...and was cooperative about the process and the cleaning up. And he didn't gripe when it was time to stop, and he really totally got into getting messy and seemed to love the way the paint felt squooshing between his toes and fingers. It was wonderful to behold.

And I had a great deal of fun, too. I didn't take my shoes off, and I stayed relatively clean, but I did something artistic and enjoyed the process. And I didn't freak out (although I did create a rule that went "No walking on the wood floors with paint on the bottoms of your feet" which I thought was pretty reasonable.)

After cleaning up messy art day, we all hung out on the big bed and looked at a book together and then had a hugandtickle bonanza and got all lovey with each other and then things started to move towards the play-fighting end of the spectrum and I had to beg off because I wasn't in the mood for play-fighting.

All in all, it was a good day with the kids. We all had fun. Monk has been reading nonstop for the past few days, and I am loathe to interrupt him to read TO him. He's reading all of the Shel Silverstein books...and I looked at the inscription on one of them and realized that my copy of A Light In The Attic is one that my mother gave to me on my 12th birthday. Monk is seven and reading the things I read when I was 12. That's pretty cool. He told me he's going to find some poems that he wants me to read to him tonight, and I asked him if he wanted to act them out like a play, and he said "No, because we'll be laughing to hard."

Laughter. Yes. I would love to go home right now and laugh too hard.

*One of my biggest problems in sharing my space with someone who basically gives not a shit about me or my personal (or professional) property is that I never know who to blame when things go missing or broken or whatever. So I don't know who is responsible for breaking the camera, or even if it might have been me or if the camera just broke...but it's broken now. It's a work camera. I'm hoping I don't get into trouble for breaking it.

Posted at 5:22 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Escalation

January 8, 2004

Last night something happened here that shifted the playing field a bit in terms of my relationship with L. A message was sent that very clearly said "You WILL play by MY rules, and I'm not afraid to fuck with the kids to get my point across." It was absolutely unacceptable behavior, and it has spurred me into action on the "getting things taken care of legal-like" front. It's also caused me to spend a lot of time this morning having to balance degrees of unacceptability in my head. Like "this scenario is bad, but is it worse than THIS scenario." And, mostly, I've run up against the wall of having to choose between any of several less than ideal solutions. And, really, sometimes it feels like the only best thing I can do is wait and hope that the best solution will come to me.

Meanwhile, I'm walking around my house, feeling like I am struggling to hold it all together. I just had an image of myself appear in my brain like a flash. It was an image of me standing with my arms and legs splayed out exerting pressure on the interior walls of my house, doing my best to keep everything from falling down on top of me. I was fully awake when I had this vision. I was walking back to the office to feed the cat, and Coley was scooting himself along the floor in a chair and Monk had just gone off to read a book and things were peaceful for awhile but I just felt like screaming.

I didn't. But that's how I feel. I've had visions like this before, like the persistent vision I used to have of myself at the bottom of a calendar - I had pulled the string that divides the days from each other, and all of the numbers and days of the week had tumbled down into a pile that I was drowning in.

I know what these visions mean. I know that I'm struggling to hold things together/hold things UP around here. At this moment, I would give anything to just allow someone to fold me up in their arms and let me cry and cry and cry for a long long time and then dry up all of my tears and go out and have a nice dinner or something. I don't want to have to explain or to reason or to plan or to reflect or to take care of something. What I want is for someone to take care of me for a change. Wordlessly. For just a little while. That's all I want.

For a little while, I would like to not have to wonder whether the decisions I am making or not making will be detrimental to someone other than myself. I would like to know for sure that I'm doing the best that I can. I would like to be able to see into the future and know that all of the decisions and choices I have made...even the wrong ones...have culminated in the foundation of two very happy, healthy, emotionally stable and fulfilled children. That's all I really want. That's all I really need. To know that they are OK. Because I am always, ultimately OK, and I'm able to fight for what I need. They don't even have the words to put to what they need, and they are having to deal with so much bullshit...and there is no way of knowing which decision is the right one for them.

I can wear my wonder woman cuffs and deflect all of the bullets that are shot at me, but even wonder woman can't necessarily predict who will be hit by the ricochet.

Posted at 12:09 PM • Comments (8) • TrackBack

Interesting Electoral Strategy...

January 7, 2004

The Observer | International | Bush aims to dodge tough poll issues

'Voters don't normally vote for an angry, pessimistic person to be president of the country. They want someone, even if times are not great, to be forward looking and optimistic,' Matthew Dowd, a senior Bush campaign aide said. Senior figures close to Bush have spent months examining previous presidential campaigns in an effort to shape a winning strategy against a potentially tricky electoral backdrop. They have settled on an approach echoing Ronald Reagan's dreamlike 'morning in America' re-election campaign of 1984, which successfully portrayed another divisive Republican President as a moderate 'father of the nation' in a series of television adverts which were light on actual politics but heavy on soft-focus camera work.

Yeah, don't worry about actual ISSUES or anything, just count on the fact that the average voter is a complete moron who will be assuaged by hollywood-style special effects. That ought to do the trick nicely.

Yeah. It's great to be an American. Thank maude we have the "right" to "choose" our "representatives." Thank Maude for that good ole 'murican "freedom."

Posted at 7:59 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Save the Frog

January 7, 2004

After reading this:

This time, the controversy is not about business, but rather a frog.
It's a silent hello, a greeting that brightens the day of people who walk by.

"Oh, it cheers me up. It's silly and fun and I think, it's a good touch even on a bad day," resident Elizabeth Kirkindall said.

Daniel Johnston, an alternative musician, painted the mural on the wall of Sound Exchange a decade ago, but Wednesday, the "Hi, how are you?" frog will croak for good.

"All the older Austin businesses get pushed out for the smaller chain restaurants and I think it's kinda' sad," resident Adam Norwood said.

I was actually kind of relieved to read this:

THOUSAND OAKS, Calif., Jan. 7 /PRNewswire/ -- Baja Fresh Mexican Grill today announced its franchise partner in Austin, Texas will spend his personal money to Save the Frog, a mural that for twenty years has adorned the walls of the building that's housing the newest Baja Fresh. John Oudt, a Texas entrepreneur and franchisee, is working with the community to preserve this culturally important art. John responded quickly to "do the right thing" when numerous students and citizens scaled the wall yesterday in protest against its demolition.

But it's still sad that another stupid chain is going up where a local business once stood.

Posted at 7:11 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Back in Chat

January 7, 2004

With an added bonus - if you chat with me tonight, you will learn my REAL NAME.

P.S. Angela, i'm so sorry I missed you and made you talk to yourself. I wish I could see the top half of that conversation.

Posted at 6:36 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Should I Order Cyanide...or Order Champagne

January 7, 2004

(cole porter, as sung by Ella Fitzgerald.)

I made the most kick ass mix last night while I was working, and I listened to it all the way home from the bus stop, and then when I got home and got the kids to bed, I turned off all of the lights, put the mix on my walkman and totally danced around the house for an hour and a half. It was righteous. I couldn't use the computer because my phone was mysteriously disconnected (and I paid the bill! I had to check to make sure, but I did! I am up to date on the phone bill) so I just danced. And, let me tell you, it was GOOD. Dancing in the dark, if you will excuse the unintended euphamism, is a very nice thing indeed. I think I shall make a habit of it. I don't even think I got winded or tired, although I definitely was exerting myself. And my dog thought I was crazy, but what the fuck does she know about good mixes?

I'm kind of mad now that I already made all of the winter mixes, but I'm sure I will make more copies of this mix. Wanna hear what's on it?

Dru Blood's Special Dancing in the Dark Mix (absolutely 100% Bruce Springsteen Free):

Cranberries - Ode to my Family
Smiths - How Soon is Now
Ella Fitzgerald - I am in Love
Yo La Tengo - The Lie and How We Told It
Neko Case - Ghost Wiring
Silver Jews - Send in the Clouds
Manuel "puntillita" Licea - La Bayamesa
The Specials - Free Nelson Mandela (Yeah, I know he was already freed. Shut up. It's good music.)
The Magnetic Fields - Papa Was a Rodeo
Ani DiFranco - My IQ
Stereo Total - L'amour a 3 (yes, as a matter of fact I AM going to put this song on every single mix I make. What's it to you?)
Air - How Does It Make You Feel?
Dead Can Dance - Enigma of the Absolute
Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy - Exercise Your Right (I might switch this out for a better hiphoprisy song.)
Reel Big Fish - Unity (only because I can't find the OP-Ivy version)
Bjork - Army of Me
The Jesus and Mary Chain - Head On
The Clash - Lost in the Supermarket
Air - People in the City - Modjo Version

I'm thinking if there are people who are interested in getting a copy of this mix, I can make a contest. Any takers? I'm thinking it will be an interviewing contest, like the best 10 interview questions for my "About" page will get a copy of the mix.

Sound like fun? Ask me questions, win a mix...I guarantee you will enjoy it.

Posted at 2:02 PM • Comments (9) • TrackBack

Austin Events I'm looking forward to attending

January 6, 2004

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised at Alamo Drafthouse...

THE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE TELEVISED D. KIM BARTLEY & D. O'BRIAN 2003, 74 MIN, VIDEO
"A fascinating account of history in the making that plays like a cinematic whiplash." -- Robert K. Elder, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

"undoubtedly one of the finest pieces of journalism within living memory" - Sunday Independent

On the 11th April 2002, the world awoke to the news that Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez had been removed from office and had been replaced by a new self-appointed "interim" government. News report after news report carried stories of the mayhem in Caracas, where 11 people had been killed in what were alleged to have been bloody street battles between Chavez supporters and an opposition march. Viewers all over the world were led to believe that Chavez had ordered the killings, and had therefore been forced to resign. What in fact took place was the first coup of the twenty first century, and probably the world's first media coup. Venezuela is the world's 4th largest exporter of oil, and the third highest supplier to the United States. In 1999 Hugo Chavez had been democratically elected president by a landslide majority, promising to end corruption and re-distribute the oil revenue to the 80% of the population who lived in poverty. But from his first day in office Chavez faced powerful enemies both inside and outside Venezuela. Just over 12 months ago two Irish documentary-makers, Kim Bartley and Donnacha O Briain travelled to Venezuela to make a film about this charismatic and unorthodox world leader. They met with Chavez and secured his permission to have full access to film, what was to be, an up close and personal profile. It turned out to be something completely different. "The Revolution Will Not Be Televised" is a thrilling insight into Chavez, charting the last seven months in the run up to the coup and his dramatic return to power some 48 hours later. Never has such a range of footage of Chavez, the new icon of the left and the thorn in the side of the US Administration, been assembled in one documentary.

MLK Day March and Celebration...

Monday, January 19, 2004 From Capitol to Huston-Tillotson Festival Immediately Following
In celebrating the national MLK holiday, the Heritage Council is sponsoring the 11th Annual 2004 Citywide MLK March & Rally. The purpose of the Community March is to celebrate Dr. King's legacy while uplifting diversity and multi-culturalism in our city.

The 2004 celebration will kick off at 9 a.m. with a brief rally at the State Capitol followed by our annual March (1.5 miles) to the historic Huston-Tillotson College, where exciting activities are planned. The Heritage Council is planning a Community Festival which will begin after the March and last until 3 p.m.; it will include all types of vendors, gospel choirs, local musical artists, marching bands and local dance troupes to make the 2004 Celebration the best ever! A vendor application can be downloaded below for those interested in purchasing booth space. This must be submitted by January 2, 2004. For questions and information, please contact Michael & Elizabeth Hanshaw Winn by email or by telephone at (512) 671-3607.

Last year's march drew an estimated 15,000 people and we are anticipating even more individuals to unite for this special occasion in January 2004. All businesses, non-profit organizations and individuals are invited to march with us and celebrate Dr. King's legacy.

Posted at 7:32 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Chat.

January 6, 2004

I'm at work tonight, clearing up some odds and ends before the start of a new semester. If anyone wants to chat, I should be parked in the full bleed chat room for pretty much the duration of my time here. Come join me! Save me from the embarrassment of talking to myself all night!

Posted at 5:29 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Fixing mistakes.

January 6, 2004

One of the consistent promises I make to myself at each change of seasons is the promise of being more present and mindful with my children. It's so hard, what with work and all of these other thoughts that go through my head all of the time, to really spend my time with the children totally present with them at all times. Well, it's impossible to be present with them at all times, so I'm starting small - with like 15-20 minute intervals. I've been able to do this with coley twice today. Once, we played with tops for about 30 minutes. And again when we were reading. Monk gets time with me every night after coley goes to bed, and I don't always really want to give that to him. I get greedy at the end of the day. I want my time to myself.

I've found that if I actually stop myself for a little while, and allow myself to, for instance, just lay on the couch and snuggle with Cole...or REALLY LISTEN to something that Monk is explaining to me...it's wonderful. It's really a blessing. But too often, I'm thinking 5 or 6 steps ahead, cleaning this, writing that, reading something or even just worrying (sometimes about the fact that I'm not spending enough time with the children!)

Today, we all sat down to eat lunch together. It was a simple lunch - just pasta and jarred sauce and some whole wheat rolls. And I was looking at the artwork on the wall that Monk has done. And, out of the blue, it occurred to me that I have made some big mistakes with Monk in terms of artwork. I think it was a post by veggiemama* that kind of whacked me upside the head. She was writing about how she really didn't want her kids to worry about the process of cleaning up after themselves, because if they were worried about that, they might not get engrossed in the process of art (or cooking or whatever). In other words, it's easier to be lazy and uncreative because there's less to clean up.

That post hurt. Ouch! Because I know there have been many times that I have worried over the mess or freaked out over how something was being done WRONG - rather than allowing Monk to enjoy the process of creation. I've gotten so used to Monk refusing to do anything artsy with me, that I've neglected to really examine why he would want to refuse. We USED to do art together. It used to be fun. Suddenly, he stopped.

I'm not saying that I have to take the blame for that entirely, but I can say that I've been awfully bitchy with him around art projects that I've done with him. I get bitchy because he is half-assed about it. Well, fuck that! If he wants to be half-assed, then let him be half-assed with his whole ass, and not with rude mama standing there telling him "You're not DOOOOOOOOING it riiiiiiight!"

So, I acknowledged this at the lunch table today. Let me tell you, it wasn't easy. It's not that the kids don't ever hear me apologize. It's that sometimes I feel like I apologize so much that the kids are going to grow up thinking I was the worst mom in the history of the world. But I said to Monk, "Monk, I think I have made a mistake with you somewhere along the line, and I really would like to get a chance to fix it if I can."

He said "What's that, mom?"

"Well, I'm looking at the artwork on the wall, and I'm feeling like my attitude has discouraged you from really allowing yourself to be artistic."

Monk said nothing.

"I'm wondering if you might want to set a date every week where we can do art and I promise I will not get grouchy with you about how you are doing it, and I will not freak out about the mess, provided there is at least an attempt made to keep the mess reasonable."

"Nah. I don't want to do that, Mom."

"Crap" I thought "I really have screwed him up for life!" Out loud, I said "Well, OK. I can't force you, but I really do feel like I have been overly critical of you during the artistic process, like the time we made the magic wands?"

"Oh, well...you were tired because it was late at night, mom. It's ok."

"No, it's not ok. I might have been tired and it might have been late at night, but I'm telling you that I'm not ok with the way I have behaved when we've done art together, and I'd like to make it up to you by starting to do messy art day once a week...maybe...finger painting?"

Monk LOVES finger painting...he perked right up.

"Finger painting! Awright!"

I was so relieved that he turned around. And that it only took a little bit of persistence on my part. I really miss doing artwork WITH the children. Coley and I color sometimes, but I want to whip out the chalk pastels, turn on some good music, and create for hours. I want to nurture that creativity in them, even if they do dip their whole hand in the finger paint and smear a big, globby mess of colors that are so mixed together that they all look brownish grey. I want them to enjoy the process first, and then maybe one day they will focus on the product.

I need to do some healing work with Monk, too. With Monk and me. I'm hoping messy art day will be a good start for that.

*I'm going to have to add the link later because I can't access livejournal from work.

Posted at 5:06 PM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

War is a Racket

January 6, 2004

The Black Commentator - Shoshana Johnson and the Gangsters of War - Issue 71

I recently watched a CNN story about soldiers wounded in Iraq. Luis Calderon became a quadriplegic when the Army deemed it necessary that he and his tank unit knock down a wall because it displayed a picture of Saddam Hussein. The wall fell, but in the wrong direction. It struck Calderon's tank and broke his neck in the process. As I watched this heartbreaking story I waited and hoped that Calderon, his wife or his parents would say, "He is paralyzed so that Saddam's picture could be removed. He lost the use of his body over a picture? I hate Bush and the rest of his greedy cronies!"
But no one said anything like that. We will get the usual propaganda about brave soldiers enduring hardships, sounding like characters in bad war movies insisting that the doctor look after their friend first. But I don't want to hear any more lies. I don't want to hear a lie coming from Shoshana Johnson any more than I want to hear it coming from George W. Bush. Unfortunately, the truth can be uncomfortable and lies can be easy.

Posted at 10:16 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

No Rest For the Mama

January 6, 2004

Coley has a new fun and interesting way to wake me up in the morning: he pulls my hair out, one strand at a time. And I don't notice he is doing it right away, I just start dreaming about it - or think I'm dreaming about it.

And then, as I'm coming out of that, I realize that it's real...and it really fucking hurts.

Gah!

Posted at 8:47 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Red Diaper Baby

January 5, 2004

Red Diaper Baby # 3 is finally out! Red Diaper Baby is a zine about radical parenting and activism and RDB # 3 is all about anti-corporate parenting. Articles include 'The Selling of Education' by Juleigh Howard-Hobson, a great article on raising feminist children by Stacey Greenberg (of Fertile Ground), and the RDB guide to anti-corporate parenting. Also included in this issue are two delicious vegan recipes and lots more!

To order a copy please send $2 (cash or cheque made out to Becky Ellis) to:

Red Diaper Baby
PO Box 23111
355 Wellington St.
London, Ontario, Canada
N6A 5N9

A subscription is $8 and pays for four issues of Red Diaper Baby.

ALSO, the theme of the Spring issue of Red Diaper Baby will be about community activism and parenting (including activism within the co-operative movement). I am looking for submissions on this topic (or any other topic that falls within the realm of activist and/or radical parenting). Submissions can be in the form of essays, pictures, articles, poems, cartoons, even short blurbs. If you have had an experience or have an opinion about community activism and parenting, please consider submiting to RDB # 4!

Any questions? Email Becky at isismama1@yahoo.com

Please forward widely.

Posted at 11:32 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Birthday Wrap up

January 5, 2004

That's in case you haven't heard that it was my birthday today (OK, so I'm dragging it out a bit much and perhaps going too far. Sorry.)

It involved getting tomato foccacia at whole foods and a big slice of chocolate chocolate birthday cake and then taking myself out to see Big Fish, which was a wonderful wonderful movie, but just not the best thing for me to really sit through at this point. Lots of stuff about my father that I would just rather not have to think about right now, and I kind of wish I had seen Love, Actually or something light and cheesy. But, whatever...I'm glad I did see it, and maybe it's just a prompt for me to begin processing these things about my father and that half of my family. I've been talking about some of that stuff with my sister (who, sadly, did NOT have her baby today)(oh, and...the scene in Big Fish with the tiny baby made my baby fever totally kick into overdrive. Damn that is one cute infant!)...so maybe it's time to start trying to make sense out of it for myself, too. And I had some thoughts through my tears on the way home. Trying not to wallow in feeling sorry for myself about my relationship with my dad. Trying to figure out what it all means and how it ties in to my relationship with L and what I expect of his relationship with his kids. And how L, through the years, used my sketchy relationship with my dad to make a point about my character and absolve himself of wrongdoing. And the fact that L didn't have a consistent father figure in his life and, ultimately...what does all of this really freaking mean?!!!

It was a mess. I'm glad I didn't get into an accident driving home thinking about all of this stuff. I made it home, alive, and was able to polish off the rest of the slice of birthday cake, and I'm about to imbibe in a little something something and maybe do some dancing and enjoy the cold weather with the heat on and my warm jammies and watch the anniversary of my birth pass through the other side as if it never really happened to begin with. And I'll get to that stuff about my father later. Maybe sooner...maybe MUCH later.

I hope your day was enjoyable.

Posted at 11:23 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

My (birth)Day So Far.

January 5, 2004

Have I made it abundantly clear that it's my birthday? Hahaha. Thanks for all of the entirely unprompted birthday well-wishes. I've gotten to the point where I'm just going to fucking remind everyone to shower me with well-wishes and whatever else on whatever holiday I feel is important. Mostly because, with the kids, I have to tell them. They always oblige - for instance, today Coley did a dot-to-dot picture and gave it to me as a birthday gift "for YOU, mama!" Monk hugged my pinky finger. That was his gift to me. It's a good thing we just had the discussion about how it's the thought that counts.

Anyway, I already broke my resolution to start taking the bus today, but for good reason. I had to return some videos, and I had to run an errand or two. But I did buy a bus pass, so not the cheapskate in me is obligated to ride the bus AT LEAST 20 times this month. Right? Yeah. I thought so.

So, yeah. I got the bus pass, and I'm also breaking my promise to not do anything fancy for my birthday. I can't help it! I'm just dying to take myself out to a movie. I had a great break and spent a lot of time with some awesome people and truly truly enjoyed the company of others, but I really would like some more alone time. So I'm going to get it tonight. I'm putting off work until after the kids are in bed, and I'm going to go to a movie. Right now, I'm just waiting for my management assistant to get here so I can cruise. Well, plus I'm IMing with spookydoll, so that might keep me here a little longer.

The kids and I have had a lovely day so far. I colored with Cole, chatted with Monk, and made Indian sweet potato bread to go with cold dal and salad for lunch. It was delicious and heartily nutritious.

I have work to do here of the answering e-mail and futzing with curriculum variety, but it's nothing I can't do at home. And I didn't have a meeting today like I thought I was going to, so I don't have any new "action items" on my "to-do list."

Dude.

So, now that I have released myself from the cage of fiscal common sense, I'm left to decide how I'm going to treat myself tonight. Soup and salad? Thai? Indian? So many choices...

Posted at 5:22 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

34

January 5, 2004

Well, this is it. My one and only 34th birthday.

So far, so good. Although I could have used a few more hours' sleep. I didn't get to bed until 3 AM, and Cole started poking and pinching me awake at 8.

However, the achievement I trumpeted in my last post was punctuated (mixed metaphor, I know, but I'm dumb about musical terms) by an e-mail from the woman for whom I designed the brochure that basically said "Wow! I can't believe you got this to me so quickly!" Evidently, I'm incapable of being a slacker. Even at my slackiest, I'm commended for my prompt service. I guess this is a good thing.

I have to say that I did work really hard on the brochure, even if it was last minute. So it's not like I waited and then whipped together something crappy. So I guess it doesn't matter that I waited, as long as I got it done.

Anyway, enough about that. It's my birthday! Hooray!

I've done a lot of reflection on the past year. Here is some looking forward:

-As of today, I'm back to bussing it to work. I slacked hard in December due to illness, but there are no excuses now...and walking will be good for me, especially in this crisp air. Plus, there's all that yummy book reading time on the bus that I've been missing.

-My birthday present to myself will be taking time to fill out the financial assistance form for the Y and turning it in tomorrow. I'm having visions of working out with weights, and they are delightful. I truly miss that.

I think that's it for now. I want to do the dishes and tidy up around here. It's back to work today (although...I mean, it IS my birthday, so maybe I'll just slack) and there's lots to do. More later.

Posted at 10:28 AM • Comments (15) • TrackBack

Ahhhh.

January 5, 2004

It's that sense of accomplishment (made doubly sweet due to the fact that I've been procrastinating this project for two weeks) that comes from completing something important...before bedtime.

Not only that, but I was able to complete it while keeping track of, referree-ing, entertaining, feeding, and putting to bed a house FULL of children (my two plus a friend's three.)

I fucking rock. If this isn't positive reinforcement for being a total freaking procrastinator, I don't know what is. I can't wait until I get my next project, so I can wait until the eleventh hour and then totally shine.

Um, but maybe I should stop talking until the person for whom I designed the brochure actually looks at it and lets me know what she thinks.

Posted at 12:41 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Planet who?

January 4, 2004

Coley's been struggling to get my attention for the past hour. He just crawled into my lap and said:

"I'm blasting off to planet YOU!"

UPDATE: I just sat him down with a little bowl of chips and salsa, and when I went to grab one from him, he said "Welcome to EATVILLE!"

Posted at 1:36 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Winter Day and blog redesign stuff.

January 4, 2004

It's all grey and cloudy outside, and I'm listening to old REM with the windows all closed. I'm tempted to turn up the air conditioning, and making some hot cider so I can pretend that I'm experiencing REAL winter weather. Instead, I'll sweat and wait for the cold front to hit.

Cauter, if you are reading this, honey...I can't e-mail you because your spam blocker is blocking me. So, um, wise up dude.

Isn't it weird how a thin thread connects us all? Like, if e-mail and/or the internet were to disappear tomorrow, many of us would totally fall out of touch. Would we miss each other? I suppose I should gather phone numbers and addresses. I suppose I should do a backup on my computer, too.

Can't get there from here.

Today's schedule includes a grown up birthday party with kids in tow (which I don't think I will be staying at for very long, because I'm just in the mood to kick around the house all day with the kiddos and not much in the mood to be around grown ups) and a movie night with a friend's kids. One more viewing of Babe and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie is about all I can stand.

I feel good, even though I am sure I spent the wee hours of the morning telling coley to stop rubbing my body with his feet. Perhaps harshly. I have vague recollections of waking up in the middle of the night with his foot halfway down my shorts! It freaked me out, man. That kid is so totally addicted to body contact, I don't know what to do with him.

I might as well spend my writing time defining what I want the new blog to look like, since I don't seem to have anything particularly interesting to say:

main content on far left
banner over just the blog content - something that contains images of the kids being silly instead of my disembodied leg.
"view comments right here" and "view full entry right here" drop down thingies for posts. Like dawn has.
Fold outs for recent comments/pings/blogrolls/recents, like liz has
archives by category and month - with drop down menu (I need to pare down my categories a bit, too)
Should I start up the blog crush thingie again?
Put the referrer script underneath the blog content
I like having the same template for the individual archive pages, as well.
An "about" page (I'll be taking questions in the next post)
A "quick links" blog, like Uff's "browsing to-do list", but situated like Jhames' photoblog thingie - in the same column as the main blog entry.

I think that's about it for the dru blood blog.

Does anyone want to help me FINALLY relaunch Clothespins for the Revolution this year? I've been looking for someone with time on their hands and design skills to partner with. I can motivate people to contribute, and keep things up, I just need someone who will do the (harder/thankless) work of designing the page and keeping things operating smoothly. Any takers?

Posted at 9:29 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

I'm eating a very healthy and nourishing lunch

January 3, 2004

...at Little City here in Austin. I can't tell you how...liberating(?) it feels to have wi-fi access. I know that probably sounds strange, because actually I am more chained to the internet than I had been previously. But it's nice to have something to do when I am wandering around by myself, waiting for things to happen. Right now, I'm waiting for the rally to begin, but I'm also eating this really good salad and sandwich, and feeling pretty good about myself even though I had to spend money on lunch.

Everyone seems very happy today. The bus driver liked my patchouli. But it seems like such a strange, slow-moving day so far. There's a quality to the day that I just can't place. I guess it's because it's January, and it's cloudy outside...but it's WARM - it even actually feels hot, compared to what it should feel like. It was 79 degrees outside yesterday. For me, when I look out the window in early January and I see a grey sky, I expect it to be cold, damnit. I like my gloomy days to be cold. Unless it's raining, and then I like my gloomy, rainy days to include some thunder and lightning, please.

But it is neither cold nor raining, and it has been this way for a few days now. This is disconcerting to me. But, see, since I have access to the internet, I can log on and describe my disconcertedness, and seek consolation. Or something.

I took my 7-year old son out on a date yesterday. My mom sent me some yummy money for my birthday, and I was determined to not spend it on anything practical. So I took Monk to the arcade and played racing games with him. Then we went to the bookstore and I bought him a couple of goosebumps books, and cole a picture book, and I got myself a CD and a novel. And then I took Monk out to dinner at Milto's, where we enjoyed each others' company over a small pizza, which was quite delicious. Plus I got to eavesdrop on all of the conversations.

As a side note, why is it so difficult for some people to fall in love? I don't understand this. I was listening to a conversation at the next table...this woman was talking about how she was dating all of these guys and just hadn't really fallen in love and was wondering if she ever would. I had thought this was just something that people who make television shows had invented. For some reason, I seem fully capable of falling in love with just about everyone I meet. Do I just meet exceptional people? Is it because I have superior pheremones? Is she being too picky? Am I not being picky enough? What's the deal?

I mean, I just can't remember the last time I felt lonely. Well, OK...I can. I felt incredibly lonely before I realized that I needed to end my relationship with L, but that was more of a loneliness borne of living with a person who refused to or was incapable of expressing emotions, coupled with an inability on my part to imagine ending our relationship and re-establishing my faith in love and other people. It wasn't a lack of romantic presence in my life - more the wrong one. But even now, without any romantic presence - I'm just not lonely. I long for people sometimes, but in bizarre ways - like cravings. And it's more delightful than painful because I know the longing will be satisfied if I put forth the effort. Am I just a spoiled brat, or maybe I am just fooling myself.

Who knows? It's just odd to hear people talk about relationships as if there's a magic "one" that will put an end to whatever restless feeling we get when we need love. I used to think it unromantic of me to not believe in "a one" - like "the love of one's life." I don't think there's ever ONE. Instead, now, I think it's maybe more romantic to believe that there are always many people who fulfill our needs in many different ways, and how wonderful to love and appreciate all of them.*

Anyway, this is not what I set out to write about. I set out to write about my date with Monk.

After dinner, we dropped by Wheatsville to get some incense. Did I mention that I drove Monk crazy in the book store, looking for the perfect thing to spend my birthday money on? We were both laughing and being silly about nagging each other to leave and then finding things that we wanted to look at. I was trying to teach Monk the fine art of browsing at a book store, while also explaining to him that it's important to have patience when you are out with someone and they are doing something you don't really feel like doing. It was fun. There was a woman browsing the cookbooks who was laughing and smiling warmly at our conversations. It made me feel good.

I promised Monk that we would stop by savers on the way home to see if they had any goosebumps books there, and we not only found a goosebumps book for 50 cents, but the Goosebumps BOARD GAME for TWO DOLLARS. This savers kicks ass. I found the Powerpuff girls game there a few months back, and it's actually pretty fun. And Monk was so thrilled, there was no way that I couldn't buy it for him. And, damnit, I hope I never get to a point where I can't spend two dollars on something that will rock his world so mightily.

I was so glad that I had the chance to take Monk out. It's one of the smartest things in the agreement I have with L. Every other Friday, one of us takes one of the kids for one on one time. On the alternate Fridays, I have alone time...and it's really actually hard to say which is better. I love hanging out with Monk just by himself. It was good to talk to him, and to hear him open up about some things that I know have been bothering him but he hasn't been able to verbalize to me for one reason or another.

So, we had a marvelous time, and then when we got home, Coley was already asleep and L agreed to play the goosebumps game with Monk, so I was able to do some reading and some tidying, which was nice. My room is infrequently tidy, because there's usually someone sleeping in there during the times I usually dedicate to cleaning up. I burned some champa incense in hopes of overpowering the smell of dog farts. It worked for a little while.

Well, my meal is gone and the sun has just poked out, so hopefully the day will get a little less surreal from here on out. It's after noon, and I think the rally will be starting soon. Or, at least, people will be gathering soon. I should probably close this up and move along. I hope your day is going well.

*I thought about this more through the day, and I think what I'm actually trying to say here is that the only times I've ever been lonely are when I've been IN a committed relationship. I'm not sure if this is a flaw within me and my selection process...or what. But maybe I will write a post about it later, after I recharge my battery.

Posted at 11:51 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Happy New Year.

January 2, 2004

My first long post of the new year was zapped when my laptop did that fun thing it sometimes does and pretended like I closed a window when I most certainly did not. Gah.

Basically, it was a long entry about all of the details of my new years celebrations - which were great! I had a really fun time with friends both new years eve day, new years eve, and on new year's day, as well. There was some bad ickiness with L, and monk had a weird cynical thing going on, but other than that, things went swimmingly - and I think we all had fun.

In short form:

It was hanging out with Jennifer and eating some wonderful cupcakes that she made for my birthday. Chatting and drinking coffee and enjoying the antics of her daughter and taking a trip to Goodwill.

It was making pizza and watching a video with Megan and Margo and their little one, talking shit and politics and making plans for the new year.

It was visiting with Kate and making lunch (I really didn't make a very good new year's lunch, but she ate it anyway, bless her heart) and hanging with the kiddos. And scheming about our respective and collective futures.

Those were the action items. The real work was done in conversation. Several truths were unearthed, some things were revealed. More items were added to my list of things to watch for/nurture/demand of the new year.

First, this is something I have already discussed with my relationship advisor, spookydoll. One of the many, actually...but we've been chatting a lot on AIM and I'm hoping she will come for a visit in late january. Anyway, I have been given her permission to fall completely totally and hopelessly in love this year. Woo woo! Watch out world.

In order to do this, there are a couple of things I need to watch for in myself and in others.

First, I need to repair this battered trust-o-meter. Which means, yes, I do need to believe in the inherent goodness of all beings. Including my own. And I need to really not bother with people who are going to believe that I am motivated by negativity or anger. I most certainly am not, and I deserve better than that. I need to be able to joke and play and even get angry with people without having to defend my character to myself or to them. This is absolutely critical. As well, I need to give people the opportunity to be imperfect without discounting them entirely. There are some things that are deal-breakers. I know what those things are. But there are many many character flaws that are perfectly livable. I've come a long way this past year in learning to accept the various neuroses of the people that I love without tossing out the entire relationship in the process, and I need to continue in that direction.

At the same time, I need to set clearly defined boundaries of acceptability, and I need to defend those boundaries in a healthy, positive way. And if people can't deal with my defense of those boundaries, then they very well can go fuck themselves.

These are among the many things that I figured out through my day and a half of conversation with various people. It's great to have community, you know? It's great to have people that will keep me in check. I am thankful. There is crap in my life that is difficult to deal with, but there is such an abundance of positivity, I just don't ever get bogged down in the bullshit. Sometimes I think maybe I'm in some sort of denial - but no. I look around me, and I see and feel so much love and support. I am thankful for what I have, and I hope that when I'm looking back on 2004 I will recognize how far I have come and the help and support I have been given to get me there.