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« RePost: 1/29/2003 | Main | Palast on the BBC »
The most bizarre things seem to happen to me...
January 31, 2004
sometimes I wish I could just lay my hands on someone and transfer all fo the events of my life from me to them, like in that movie The Crow, so they would just understand, you know? Instead, there's all this...stuff...that hangs there in the air, and remains unarticulated. It's nice, because it's like five million conversations and 20 million discoveries and joys and mysteries. But the understanding is what I'm looking for. For someone to understand me, and for me to understand someone else.
Five million conversations, and usually I get to conversation number 4 million, 999 thousand 9 hundred and 99, and I suddenly forget who it is I'm talking to and who it is who is talking to me. Like, it ceases to matter, and then I have to start all over again with someone new, and I don't want to have to do that anymore. I just want the hand laying-on thing.
And sometimes, like now, something rare occurs. There is a presence. Just a knowledge of someone Being There. Just there. And there's no longer any urgency...like those five million conversations could stretch out over 5 million years, neverending, and that yawning time wouldn't seem like too much and it feels like I might never grow impatient for that understanding because in the meantime there's a different kind of understanding. An understanding without urgency or strife. An understanding that is quiet and gentle.
And it's funny, because I thought I was alone in this room, and I was just singing at the top of my unselfconscious lungs, and then I looked up and there you were. Just...there. And I had a sense, for a time, that I was in control I could quit anytime, but suddenly I'm gripping the edges of things and jittery. My insides are warm, but I'm shaking outside like I have some sort of flu and ohshit, is this what I think it is? And Oh, damn...it's about time for what I think this is.
Gripping the edges of things and hearing new meaning in all of the Sad Songs on the radio, and staring at the moon. And feeling total understanding when my son tells me "Mom, I don't want to love you, because if I love you, then there won't be room in my brain for all of the other stuff that I store there."
And the most bizarre things seem to happen to me. I don't know if it's just because I have a low threshold for what qualifies as strange, or if I just am in tune to the details, but I'm still, I'm shaking right now, and I'm wanting. I'm wanting. I'm wanting to just lay my hands on you and rest there. Just rest in the knowing.
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Comments
wow. you've caught that perfectly.
You have seen the movie Being There, have you not? If not, it's time for movie night.
will i ever feel that way again?
Thanks, Lem.
K8, I have not. I would love to have a movie night with you, mama.
I hope so, r@d@r...