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« January 2004 | Main | March 2004 »
Lazy
February 29, 2004
People who don't update their blog at least on a daily basis are LAZY. People who don't homeschool their children are LAZY. People who rely on their doctors for medical advice without trusting their instincts are LAZY. People who drive SUVs are LAZY. People who eat meat are LAZY. People who watch prime time television are LAZY. People who give birth in the hospital instead of at home are LAZY. People who aren't anti-racist are LAZY. People who aren't feminists are LAZY. People who are married are LAZY.
You see what I'm saying? My priorities are no one's fucking business, and neither are yours mine. If I don't put losing weight in whatever method is the current fad at the top of my list of priorities, it says nothing whatsoever about how active I am, about how much drive I have, about my ambitions or dreams. It really doesn't have anything to do with my relative health, either. No one has the right to call someone lazy because they feel they should prioritize things according to an arbitrary standard.
In addition, there was a time in my life when my lifestyle allowed for a higher prioritization of exercise. I was STILL. FAT. After over 5 years of working out at least 3 times a week. I was STILL. FAT. In the future, working out might gain a higher priority in my life. And I will STILL. BE. FAT. I will ALWAYS be fat, unless I make UNHEALTHY lifestyle changes in order to lose weight. I'm not playing the victim, I'm not blaming anyone, and I'm not APOLOGIZING. I'm simply saying that I'm fat, happy AND healthy, and FUCK anyone who calls me lazy. I fucking DARE YOU to live my life for a day and not be totally exhausted by bedtime. I'm not saying I don't enjoy it, but I use my whole body, mind, and soul all day...and, most days, I don't have ANY time to even ponder laziness.
If you are naturally thin, or if weight watchers or some other fad diet worked for you. Great. Congrats. It's not something I'm even remotely interested in. Enjoy your ability to blend in with the "thin folks" and assume that your size makes you healthier or smarter or better than me. Just don't expect me to listen to your self-righteous, fatphobic pap without comment.
UPDATE: I should add, since this post has been trackbacked, that this is a continuation of a discussion that started here and continued here and also has branched off here, and possibly elsewhere.
Kiss my fat ass.
February 27, 2004
Lovely fatphobia going on here. I love it when a bunch of men get together to define what is and is not healthy and/or attractive in terms of body size. Bite me. This is my response:
I notice there are no women in this discussion. Could it be that fat is experienced differently if you are a woman?I am a fat woman who has given birth to two children. I resent the implication that there's "More I should be doing" to obtain a stature that is more appealing to...anyone. My body has birthed, nourished, and cared for two beautiful boys. I am neither lazy nor unhealthy and the size of my body is no indication of the power of my intellect.
I love my fat, curvy, bumpy, stretch-marked, beautiful body and it's bullshit for anyone to imply or state directly that my positive body image is indicative of lack of desire to "do the work" to be more attractive to some snotty skinny boy on the internet.
Why can't I be this scathing anymore?
February 26, 2004
Sorry to get all self-referential, but I was pointed in the direction of this post through that new referral script, and I laughed out loud at my scathing response.
Have I gone soft? Or am I just lazy?
Anyway, I thought it was a pretty funny exchange, and thought someone might enjoy it.
more sacreder than thou
February 26, 2004
I don't think that people pushing the ban are going to be swayed by an argument about the "sacredness" of the constitution. The way to beat back the Right is to expose them as bigots and to put gay marriage in the terms of a broader fight for Civil Rights.The Democrats should be out there saying, "Separate but equal is not equal.", "Marriage rights for all.", "George Bush is a bigot.", etc. Where are the teeth?
Some Dude
February 26, 2004
I have a crush on some dude now. He's dreamy.
What is Fair for the Children
February 26, 2004
What is Fair for Children of Abusive Men?
I know that fathers and mothers should both be capable parents. But if you ask "What about the kids?" I want to give you a serious answer. I cannot seriously entertain the myth that our society really is gender neutral, so to consider "What about the kids?" while pretending such neutrality is to engage in denial and cognitive dissonance. I cannot hope to arrive at an answer that will positively affect reality if my underlying assumptions are based on fantasy.So I am going to talk today about the effects of male power and control over children, not about parental power and control. As I cite examples, some of you may hear your internal voice saying, "But women do that, too." As this happens I would ask you to be aware that such voices are often the voice of guilt that try to distract us from what we really know about men's violence so that we need not take responsibility for this violence.
It is true, for example, that some women do batter men. But the number of severe cases of this type is so low when compared with the virtual war of men's violence against women, that they cannot be seen above the statistical noise. This voice that says "But women do that, too" has as its purpose, not compassion for battered men or lesbians, but a distraction from the noble goal of ending battering of women.
[...]
Joint Custody is clearly a type of "best interests" criterion. It explicitly assumes that joint custody is in the child's best interests. There are severe consequences for battered women subjected to joint custody presumptions.Joint custody forced upon two hostile parents can create a toxic psychological environment for a child. Because 95% of all joint custody awards are for joint legal custody 6 the living arrangements are exactly the same as under a sole-custody/ visitation order. However joint legal custody does expand the right of the non-primary-caretaking parent to impede the ability of the primary-caretaker to make needed and timely decisions.
Um, like putting children in the middle of parenting disagreements? That it's OK to use threats and accusations of neglect in an attempt to gain some sort of perverse control? That it's OK to tell the other parent that she'd be able to afford health insurance if she "didn't spend so much money on...." (and then trail off to avoid having to surmise at what the other parent might possibly be spending money on, because any idiot who knows how to add and subtract would clearly see the idiocy of that statement, not to mention the jackass that said it isn't contributing a fucking dime to the operation of the household or the care and feeding of the children.) (I'm speaking hypothetically, of course.
Granted, that article focuses more on physical abuse, which is outside of my realm of reality...I'm more familiar with emotional/psychological/verbal abuse:
Abuse is about control and the fear of losing it. Ill-treatment is an absurd effort to maintain and enhance the abuser's hegemony - social, cultural, legal, and, above all, psychological.
[...]
To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore - are all modes of abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is long. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the mistreatment.
Yeah. That's familiar. I know that. And I'm doing my best to reject it...and trying to figure out what is fair for the children.
Nobody but Kerry?
February 25, 2004
Alexander Cockburn and Jeffrey St. Clair: Winning with Ralph Nader
From the point of view of democracy, the American political system is a shambles of corruption, gerrymandered to ensure that it is almost impossible to evict any sitting member of the House of Representatives. The presidential debates are fixed to exclude unwelcome intruders. Nader says that in the whole of his 2000 challenge he got about 3 minutes face-time on the major networks.You can understand why the two major parties don't want any outsider spoiling the fun. They arranged things that way, as Nader understands, and explains better than anyone.
"I think the mistake the Democrats are making" said Nader at the National Press Club on Monday " when they use the mantra 'anybody but Bush' is, first of all, it closes their mind to any alternative strategies or any creative thinking, which is not good for a political party. And second, it gives their ultimate nominee no mandate, no constituency, no policies, if the ultimate nominee goes into the White House."
Counterpunch has a lot of stuff about Nader, including this article by Nader himself.
(also, just saw this article by David Grenier, our favorite anarchist photographer guy...)
I do NOT!
February 25, 2004
I am so FUCKING done.
February 25, 2004
Right now, my THREE YEAR OLD (THREE year old) is SCREAMING because I won't let him play Empire Earth. I've had it. I am no longer going to allow my children to play the fucking WAR games that their father chooses to play in front of them and allow them to play. There is something VERY wrong with a three year old plotting battles, building scenarios, and enacting war. Very wrong. It's bad enough that the seven year old does it, but this is fucking ridiculous.
I will not have it ANY. MORE. This is my home, and I need to be allowed to enforce some rules here, and violent video games are not allowed here in the presence of a three year old. That's it. I have spoken.
ON another note. What kind of a fucking idiot thinks it's OK to reset my e-mail password on an account that I PAY FOR because he can't log in to the computer. He can't be bothered to ask me to reset it for him, and instead infringes on my privacy by doing it behind my back and then LEAVING ME A FUCKING NOTE? Um, no. That password allows access not only onto the internet, but into my PRIVATE e-mail accounts, and it's bullshit. And, considering we don't even TALK to each other, I would think this person would KNOW that resetting my password is bordering on fucking CRIMINAL.
I'm clearly dealing with someone who has absolutely no sense of boundaries relating to anyone else but himfuckingself. I knew this already, but I'm tired of having it affect my children. No war games in this house. I mean it. I'll let Monk play Age Of Empires when Coley is asleep, but no more. Nothing else. I'm putting my fucking foot down.
I've had it. I am SO fucking done.
OK...carry on. Nothing to see here.
No Time to Comment
February 24, 2004
But, I figured since I threw down as a potential Nader supporter, I might as well link to what I consider to be one of the few actually reasonably intelligent posts arguing "against" nader that I've read in recent history. I have only skimmed this post, though...and don't have time right now to respond intelligently (I said I think it's intelligently written, I didn't say I necessarily agree with her entirely.) But I figured I'd put it here so some of you can feel redeemed in your assessment of Nader as the devil incarnate.
Which Tuesday is it?
February 24, 2004
Is it Fat Tuesday:
Fat Tuesday is Mardi Gras, the festival New Orleans, Louisiana, is famous for. "Gras" is French for fat and "Mardi" is French for Tuesday.[link courtesy of Tish]
Or is itGrey Tuesday:
I carried the album's MP3 around on a USB key and left copies of it where I could. The DJ at Boujis played an original Jay-Z album cut and I thought about giving him a copy of the remix, but I didn't have the digital music in the disco. I thought about buying it on CD for my brother, but I couldn't - the Beatles didn't clear the samples, and they wouldn't. It's too much weirdness done to a tightly preserved legacy.
[more information here]
Quit Complaining
February 24, 2004
For those of you in Austin who like sitting on your ass and complaining that Ralph Nader is the definition of evil, you officially have an opportunity to confront lucifer himself tomorrow at UT:
Wednesday, February 25, 7:00 PM RALPH NADER SPEAKS ON THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE 2000 Green Party presidential candidate Ralph Nader will speak on why he is running for president as in independent, and how his run can help defeat Bush's agenda, be a voice for populist issues, fight corporate power, advocate for civil liberties and independent third party politics. Speech to be followed by Q and A. Whatever your thoughts on Nader running for President, keep an open mind and come down to hear him. There will also be an after-party at 9:15 PM at Mother Egan's (715 W. 6th St.) Location: UT Austin, Geology Building Room 2.324 Sponsored by Environmental Outreach. More info: 389-0215
Personally, if Kerry wins the primaries, I'll be thankful for Nader's candidacy. It's always nice to have SOMEONE to vote for who doesn't make me feel like I need to take a LONG hot disinfecting shower afterwards. Unfortunately, I have to work tomorrow night, and I don't think I will be able to take the night off, although I would really love to hear him speak.
Thank you, Dawn
February 24, 2004
For this simple reminder:
People confuse kindness with knee-jerk political correctness.
It's just one of those days.
February 24, 2004
The dogs are whining at the door, and I do not want to let them in, the kids are alternating between fighting with each other and sulking about how bored they are, and people I respect are acting like I'm flinging around the word racist at them because I happened to find parts of a movie racist, and they disagree.
Let me reprint my first paragraph in my review of lost in translation:
I was so conflicted after I saw "Lost in Translation." When I got home, I was compelled to read what other's thought about it. And, while I don't agree with some that the movie could just as well have been set in an American city, I do feel that the movie used stereotypes and racism to get its point across, and I believe strongly that it was absolutely unnecessary and even harmful to the overall story.
Nowhere in that entire assessment of the movie did I claim that anyone who likes the movie needs to don a white hood and join the KKK. I simply said that I felt uncomfortable and conflicted and a little angry about the over-reliance of racist stereotypes throughout the movie, and it just so happens that there are some who agree with me. There is absolutely no need to get your underwear in a wad over it. I, too, enjoyed much of the film. Thus, the conflict. I am open to hearing others' interpretations of it...it was a multi-layered, interesting movie, and I think the discussion that has happened thus far has been enlightening and educational.
Maybe it's just the mood I'm in today, but I'm feeling a bit sensitive to the way some people have reacted to my opinion....enough so that I feel like this post is warranted.
Now I'm going to go make lunch and attempt to put this out of my mind for a bit.
Connections
February 24, 2004
The movie did get me thinking about all of the missed connections and connected connections I've had in my lifetime. All of the people who I spurned for arbitrary reasons, and all of the people who have spurned me...not to mention all of the people who haven't spurned or been spurned but just quietly existed as a background character in my life...or I in theirs.
In other words, I started thinking about chemistry.
Because, to be quite honest...and maybe I shouldn't be showing my hand like this...I've never had the kind of chemistry I have with J. There's this level of communication that we share with is sweet and fun and comfortable...and that's been there since we first started hanging out again (we had been friends before - via a common acquaintance I was dating). But there's also a great deal of...chemistry...in the way we communicate with each other physically, and I just wasn't expecting that. Not because there's anything wrong with J, but because it's so different from anything I've ever experienced, and HE'S so different from anyone I've ever been attracted to. And I'm very, very pleased.
At the same time, it has me wondering how many other missed connections there have been, as well as what the hell I've been doing wasting so much time with all of these other people. I have this mindset about some things that I'm trying to get over. Like I'm the one who always has to put forth the effort. That anything outside of my regular routine is undesirable because the burden is always on me to set things up. I'm learning to get over that because J takes care of so much of that stuff. I'm learning that my role in any new relationships I embark on can be drastically different from the role I had in my last relationship. I'm learning that I don't have to be "in charge" to be strong, and that I can let someone take care of me without feeling like that person is trying to control me and that I can be vulnerable without fearing being taken advantage of.
It's all good stuff. Very good stuff. And I'm enjoying seeing where it's taking me. I'm enjoying this second chance at a missed connection.
Haliburton under investigation
February 24, 2004
HoustonChronicle.com - Pentagon opens criminal probe of Halliburton gasoline pricing
WASHINGTON - The Pentagon said today it opened a criminal investigation of fraud allegations against a unit of Vice President Dick Cheney's old company Halliburton Co. involving potential overpricing of fuel delivered to Iraq. The investigation was focused on Halliburton subsidiary Kellogg Brown and Root, a Pentagon spokeswoman said.
For those of you in Austin, there is a protest march from Highland Mall to Halliburton's offices tomorrow:
Tuesday, February 24, 11:30 AM PROTEST: STOP THE CORPORATE TAKEOVER OF IRAQ ! Protest Halliburton and demand an end to the corporate invasion of Iraq!This is a nonviolent, legal protest in solidarity with coordinated actions in over 25 cities in the US and UK. From bribing Nigerian dictators to ripping off American troops and Iraqi workers, corporations like Halliburton/KBR have no qualms about putting their bottom-line before human needs. To make matters worse, taxpayers are subsidizing this outrageous behavior with millions of dollars in no-bid contracts. Join a protest to demand a refund!
Meet at 11:30 AM at the Highland Mall (JC Penney parking lot). At 12:00 noon, march to Halliburton's KBR office at 505 E. Huntland Dr. Bring signs, visuals, drums, puppets, and banners!
Called by Austin Justice Action Movement, Code Pink Austin, and Women In Black
Ironically, all of the austin anti-war sites seem to not be working tonight, so I don't have a link...wait...here's one.
Can we just pretend I didn't read that?
February 23, 2004
Guardian Unlimited | Special reports | Now the Pentagon tells Bush: climate change will destroy us
An imminent scenario of catastrophic climate change is 'plausible and would challenge United States national security in ways that should be considered immediately', they conclude. As early as next year widespread flooding by a rise in sea levels will create major upheaval for millions. Last week the Bush administration came under heavy fire from a large body of respected scientists who claimed that it cherry-picked science to suit its policy agenda and suppressed studies that it did not like. Jeremy Symons, a former whistleblower at the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), said that suppression of the report for four months was a further example of the White House trying to bury the threat of climate change.
Mr. Christian Waxes Nostalgic...
February 23, 2004
It's refreshing to see someone speak his mind like this. I miss the days when a man could refer to a people as untermenschen without fear of being called a bigot.
new at work blog
February 23, 2004
I posted a few links over at the Work Blog today. Enjoy.
Chat.
February 23, 2004
I will be hanging out in chat for the next couple of hours if anyone would like to join me. See you there.
Plum Fucked.
February 23, 2004
For the first 50 years, Plum Island was run by the U.S. Department of Agriculture. As Carroll writes, the agency is about "far more than wholesome grade-A eggs and the food pyramid." Carroll finds that despite the secrecy the lab has been had numerous safety lapses, and is a prime target for terrorists. Lab 257's secret germ warfare program is not part of Cold War history, it is still operating to this day and may pose a very real threat to humanity.
I thought they LIKED being 'beaten into submission'...
February 23, 2004
On average, 54% of the dogs who start the race do not even make it across the finish line. Of those that finish, 81% have lung damage.Tom Classen, retired Air Force colonel and Alaskan resident for over 40 years, tells us that the dogs are beaten into submission...
Do Germs have Germs?
February 23, 2004
Are there any microbiologists out there who can answer this question? Monk wants to know, and I can't find the answer on the web without significant research.
Oh, and...can someone who lives in austin inform me as to the nature of those big orange balls that live on the power lines on Lamar, and possibly elsewhere.
Inquiring minds want to know.
An eventful day
February 23, 2004
I'm recovering from yesterday. In recovery. It was quite a day. The last thing I remember was Monk saying something like "Today has been a good day so far." That was at, like 11:30 AM. After that, things...well, they didn't get bad so much as...eventful.
First of all, I had totally forgotten what a tremendous pain in the ass it is to have a child transition from diaper to potty. I can't even begin to describe how sick I am of having to clean up various accidents around the house, both human and dog. Coley had 3 or more pee pee accidents yesterday, and he pooped in the bathtub. Then I had two dog poo accidents to clean up (thanks to J, the fence is now fixed, and the dogs are going to be outside most of the day. I think the problem with the poop is that one of the dogs wasn't properly potty trained, and doesn't ask to go out if he has to go. I'm pretty sure the culprit is spike, the newest dog) and my poor, scabby cat is slinking around the house, afraid to come near me because I keep slopping salve all over her itchy back (thanks to k8's mom, I've treated her for fleas, and I'm hoping that at least stops the itching, so I can focus on getting rid of the owies.)
Anyway, between the pee patrol and the various pet maladies, and dear sweet J enduring the children clamoring over him while he performed household maintenance (what a good man he is...) I did manage to clean out the playroom closet in order to transform it into the art supply closet. Meanwhile, as I was cleaning it out, Coley was playing with PAINT (I thought he was playing with play-doh)...so when I finally checked on him to see how he was doing, there was paint all over the floor and his body, which is what prompted the bath of poop. *sigh*
Somehow, we managed to survive the day, and at night I had guests over for dinner. I stepped out when the first guests arrived because I needed a few ingredients for cornbread. When I got back, Monk was screaming that he broke his arm, crying profusely and gripping his upper right arm. I'm thinking "Oh fuck. He doesn't have insurance!" and trying not to convey that panic to monk. But I think I kind of shut down for a bit. I didn't respond to him with the care I would have normally shown, mostly because I was freaked out about not having insurance and the prospect of getting treatment. Plus, I wasn't sure if he was faking it. So I kind of just left him in the bed, because he wouldn't tell me what happened...and went to ask K8's eldest what caused the accident.
I was informed by a very guilty-sounding boy that Monk's accident was the result of a game called "human cannonball." hahahahaha. OK, I can laugh now because everything seems to be OK, AND because at least they moved the cannon from the last time they played where the trajectory would have thrown someone right through a freaking window. I was all "Wait...didn't I ask you guys to not play that game the LAST time you were playing it." Maybe my reason was that I didn't want anyone to go flying through a window, and they figured they had resolved that problem. At any rate, getting upset about the game itself wasn't going to help Monk.
So, I went back to Monk, gently informed him (as if he didn't already know) that any activity with the words "human" and "cannonball" in them was probably NOT something he should be engaging in, and gave him some sliced up apple to eat and some advil for his pain. We all kind of decided that since there was no swelling, even if the bone was broken, it would be OK to wait a bit before going to the emergency room, so I attempted to relax the best I could.
Monk gradually ended up feeling much better. "Mom, the pain is traveling down my arm, and maybe eventually it will escape through my fingertips." he said, at one point. I made him a comfy little nest on the futon in the playroom and set him up to watch Aristocats with K8's youngest. Susan, of comments fame, was reading stories to the kiddos. She's so sweet. Susan...if you read this...I have to tell you that when coley woke up the morning, the FIRST thing he said was "Is daddy here?" (because he's extremely daddy-centric right now) and the SECOND thing he said was "I miss susan and steve."
Anyway, Monk's arm got to feeling better, k8's family left, and we were left with the kiddos and susan and steve. It was getting late, and there was no chance that my kids were going to go to sleep, but it appeared Monk was going to help out with coley by offering to put him into the "black box of tragic death." Coley declined, but fell asleep as SOON as his head hit the pillow after Susan and Steve left. Monk was in bed shortly thereafter. I basically went in to do my night time ritual with Monk and said "Look...I'm spent." and Monk said "That's OK, I'm just going to go to bed anyway." So I was off the hook.
As soon as the kids were abed, though, I felt totally tired. I have a ton of shit I still want to get done, but I just didn't have the energy. So I called my sweetie and talked to him for a little while (you know it's love when I actually use the freaking telephone) and then I traipsed off to bed.
And that was that. I'm sure I can squeeze some righteous indignation about the state of health care into this post, but I'm way too fucking relieved that Monk's ok - both because, you know, it would suck for him if he broke his arm, and because I have like 50 bux to my name until my paycheck this Friday. I did think it was funny, though, that Steve kept trying to discuss deep politics about Israel with us, and all I could think about or talk about was Monk's arm and my panic. Goes to show...something. I'm sure there's something that can be said about that.
At any rate, we're all fine, and it's Monday, and the dogs are outside in their newly-impenetrable yard, and I'm happy and in love, and the kids are happy and watching Sesame Street, and I'm about to do the dishes and surf some news sites, and we have a free day today to laze around the house and maybe go to the playground if it doesn't rain, and the cat's been treated for fleas, and there is food in the fridge, and did I mention I'm in love? And Monk's arm is definitely NOT broken, and I'm really not going to think about the thin thread of my financial situation. I'm REALLY not going to think about that.
Lost in Translation
February 22, 2004
I was so conflicted after I saw "Lost in Translation." When I got home, I was compelled to read what other's thought about it. And, while I don't agree with some that the movie could just as well have been set in an American city, I do feel that the movie used stereotypes and racism to get its point across, and I believe strongly that it was absolutely unnecessary and even harmful to the overall story.
I think there was a lot of potential for comparing Bob's and Charlotte's different stages in life (and marriage) with the stark contrast between old and new Japan. And I do see the importance of the fact that the characters are essentially stranded (perhaps in part by their own stubborn cultural centrism) in a country halfway around the world, and brought together by circumstances that would normally not exist in the world they normally inhabit. I think much could have been done with the setting of the film without the overuse (or even any use) of tired cliches.
The sad thing is that the scene near the end of the movie reminded me of a modern day rosebud, and yet the more I think about the film, the more I am disturbed by the underlying theme of cultural chauvinism. Yes, Murray proves to us that Bob is basically a self-important ass who yet manages to muster a great deal of tenderness both for his long-suffered/ing wife and his potential love interest, Charlotte. This dualism could have been achieved merely by him behaving with blithe arrogance rather than outright racism, and would have been further enforced by the incident with the lounge singer.
I was uncomfortable every time the old "r/l" confusion joke was paraded about. While I think it's possible - even probable - that the intent was to contrast the lack of care Murray's character had for most people with the tenderness he displayed for Johansson's character, the audience just laughed. Perhaps I'm guilty of snobbery, but I think the subtleness of this was what was really lost in translation...on the audience.
I'm not sure what is most bittersweet about the movie "Lost in Translation." Is it the sweet, unrequited unconsummated (thanks, angela!) love story between the jaded Bob and the sullen Charlotte, or is it the fact that Coppola was too lazy and/or unsophisticated to tell the story, which is one of contrasts, without resorting to the same old racist stereotypes about Japanese culture and language?
Watership Down, baby!
February 21, 2004
You're Watership Down!
by Richard Adams
Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you're
actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their
assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they
build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You'd
be recognized as such if you weren't always talking about talking rabbits.
Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.
News Surfing
February 20, 2004
I have about an hour to kill, and I'm surfing around for news. Not much of it is good.
TBogg blogs about Bush smuggling Pryor to the bench, and links this Counterpunch article:
Pryor is so maniacally devoted to the death penalty that he objected loudly to the recent Supreme Court decision in the Atkins case ruling that executing mentally retarded and brain damaged people violated the Constitution.The would-be federal appellate judge finds nothing wrong with having court-appointed, low paid, inexperienced and often incompetent lawyers defend death penalty cases, even when they snooze off during testimony or fail to cross-examine key witnesses against their clients.
Pryor also tartly dismisses allegations of racial bias in the administration of the death penalty as a diversionary tactic by out of state (read northern and Jewish) defense lawyers. At gatherings of the Federalist Society, he gripes endlessly about the appeals process available to the condemned and has vowed to do everything in his power to truncate appeals and accelerate executions.
r@d@r links up to several different posts on several different blogs with enough reading material about military strategy to satisfy even my war-crazed son. Including a link to an article by a Reagan-era secretary of the Navy who categorically denounces Bush's Iraq warplan:
Bush arguably has committed the greatest strategic blunder in modern memory. To put it bluntly, he attacked the wrong target. While he boasts of removing Saddam Hussein from power, he did far more than that. He decapitated the government of a country that was not directly threatening the United States and, in so doing, bogged down a huge percentage of our military in a region that never has known peace. Our military is being forced to trade away its maneuverability in the wider war against terrorism while being placed on the defensive in a single country that never will fully accept its presence.There is no historical precedent for taking such action when our country was not being directly threatened. The reckless course that Bush and his advisers have set will affect the economic and military energy of our nation for decades. It is only the tactical competence of our military that, to this point, has protected him from the harsh judgment that he deserves.
At the same time, those around Bush, many of whom came of age during Vietnam and almost none of whom served, have attempted to assassinate the character and insult the patriotism of anyone who disagrees with them. Some have impugned the culture, history and integrity of entire nations, particularly in Europe, that have been our country's great friends for generations and, in some cases, for centuries.
Bush has yet to fire a single person responsible for this strategy. Nor has he reined in those who have made irresponsible comments while claiming to represent his administration. One only can conclude that he agrees with both their methods and their message.
Um, I would say that's pretty chilling, but it's fucking EXACTLY what many, many anti-war protestors were saying at the start of this fucking thing. Gah.
Speaking of chilling...don't get too cold. You wouldn't want to exceed your POTTY quota for the month:
Under a new policy at the Lawrence Middle School, the seventh- and eighth-graders are allowed to leave class for the bathroom a maximum of 15 times a month.
I wonder what the rate of bladder infections in public school children is, compared to that of homeschooled children?
"When my son Matthew used all his passes, he was then told he couldn't go to the bathroom," said parent Susan Gregory. "We called the school and were told the bathroom is a privilege, not a right. Then we were told if a child has to go to the bathroom more than three times a day, we need (to bring them) a doctor's note."This is utterly ridiculous. Now my son doesn't want to go to the bathroom at school. He says he won't drink or he'll hold it until he gets home. This can't be healthy."-- -- --
Studies have not been done about the effects of restricted bathroom access on junior high and high school students, but urologists say the practice can lead to infections and incontinence.
The bathroom is a PRIVILEGE? Not a RIGHT? Um, ok.
ANYWAY...moving right along...
Yesterday, I saw a bumper sticker on a car that said "Product Diversity now outnumbers Biodiversity" Is this true? Even if it isn't, Weyerhauser sure is helping things along:
Throughout the United States, Weyerhaeuser annually logs an average of over 70,000 acres on taxpayer-owned public lands. In the Southeastern U.S., in areas like Tennessee's Cumberland Plateau, Weyerhaeuser is actively clear-cutting biologically diverse hardwood forests and converting them into fast-growing, monoculture tree farms, an ecological disaster that the NRDC has dubbed the "The Tennessee Tree Massacre." Throughout the Canadian boreal region, one of the most important forest ecosystems on Earth, Weyerhaeuser has already destroyed forests that take several hundred years to mature because of the cool, northern climate. More than 50,000 square miles of Canadian public lands lay open to Weyerhaeuser's chainsaws, and each year it destroys 160,000 acres, primarily for export to the U.S. market. Weyerhaeuser currently has no meaningful company-wide environmental policy covering all its logging operations and wood procurement.
[link courtesy of get vegan]
Meanwhile, our president continues to act as the UNITER...of people who agree with him.
None of this should be surprising from an Administration that sees nothing wrong with conducting an ideological litmus test for potential scientific appointees. For example, William Miller, a nominee to the National Advisory Council on Drug Abuse, was contacted by Secretary Thompson's office after he'd been asked to consider the appointment. The caller, according to Miller, asked whether he'd voted for President Bush. When he confessed that he had not, he was asked to explain himself, and did not receive a callback.
Now this is certainly...interesting:
The grand jury has been investigating whether TRMPAC, a political action committee begun by U.S. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, illegally used corporate donations to aid GOP candidates in 20 key Texas House races during the 2002 elections.A victory in 15 of those races led to a Republican takeover of the lower chamber for the first time in more than 130 years. With the GOP majority, Mr. Craddick won his speakership and pressed a Republican-favored congressional redistricting plan that Mr. DeLay championed.
[Link swiped from TalkLeft...which was amusingly referred to as "talkfrench" by mr. patriotboy the other day.]
Infiltration is alive in Chicago and Austin (and elsewhere, I'm sure.) That's funny...I thought protestors were mere "focus groups." No need to infiltrate that which holds no power...right?
Anyway, I'm out of time. I hope everyone has an enjoyable evening and a lovely weekend, in spite of it all.
So, I'm walking down the street...
February 20, 2004
Enjoying some Spearhead. I've got about 3/4 of a mile to walk before I get to my destination, and I spy about a block ahead, a man with long dreadlocks and a German Shepherdish looking dog. As I draw closer, it appears the man is attempting to keep the dog from attacking me. As I draw even closer, I realize the man is none other than my ex, the comic book artist. My ex, who FIRST described me in comic book form as the helpless virgin he deflowered, and who last described me in comic form as, basically, that "fat, crazy chick" (which, I mean, the laugh is on him because it's MY fat crazy ass that's tattooed on his arm, if he hasn't found a way to tattoo over it.)(and, not to mention, I wasn't really even fat then, although I do admit I was far far crazier.)
At any rate, it was a pleasant surprise to see him, looking good with his long-ass dreadlocks. I even sincerely smiled at him and said "Hi, A." and he nodded back, perhaps more out of surprise than anything else. I mean, it was, what? TEN years ago when we last hung out? Maybe a little more than that. But certainly he's not still the same exact person he was then. And even if he is, I'm not the me he was him to...I'm the me he is not him to, if that makes any sense. And I can afford to feel a certain nostalgic warmth towards him. A gladness that he is still roaming the earth.
And there was a part of me that was melancholy about it, not for him, but for L. Who eludes me. And I know it's crazy to bang my head into that wall over and over because it's been at least three years without a dent, but it seems so fucking silly. There's no reason for all of the anger and the hatred. There's no reason to bring that into the lives of the children. It's just not logical. I feel like I have a calm feeling of knowing that I can maintain a spiritual distance from him which disallows him of manipulating me, but for some reason this is not acceptable to him. Or something. He thinks I'm taking something from him. The home, the car, the children. But really, all I want is to provide for the kids. He came to our relationship with basically nothing, and even though he worked and tried to build something for years within the relationship, he spent the majority of the last 3-4 years actively assisting its deterioration. In concrete terms - junk all over the yard of the house, cigarette butts, ruined carpet, writing on the walls, and all of that. You know?
If I can go off on a tangent here (and I can, because it is my space) I would really be willing to sell the house and give him some of the money if I could be assured that he would assist in helping me fix up the house so it could be sold for a decent price. But he has not proven to be trustworthy to this end. When he moved out, he was supposed to fix up his room in the house. And he never did. He still hasn't cleared his stuff out. I have been paying all of the bills, and I've been doing the maintenance and upkeep on the house (with some very kind help from some very kind friends) for years now, and I just don't feel like it would be fair for him to benefit from my hard work. It's not about me wanting to take from him what is his, it's about not wanting to give to him what is mine. I give not a shit about the things within the house. Whatever furniture/appliances/dishes he wants...he's welcome to them. But for him to claim that I am somehow being unfair about the distribution of property is just utter bullshit. And this entire argument would be moot had he accepted my offer of compromise last year under any of a number of conditions, all of which included him earning and contributing some set amount of money every month and both of us attending some form of mediation or counseling to learn to communicate better with each other. And there wasn't much more to any of the conditions than that - they were all just different forms of sharing the possessions and properties in mutually beneficial ways. But since he refuses to engage in healthy discourse with me, there is simply no way that I can see myself feeling safe sharing my space with him any more than I already to (and I already do share my space in a way that makes me feel, to some degree, unsafe or at the very least vulnerable. But I continue to share my space anyway because I think it's important for all of us that he has access to his children and he claims he would not be able to spend time with the children if I did not share my space...which I realize is totally manipulative on his part, but I am not willing to fight him on it.)
Anyway, yeah...where was I? Oh, yeah, ex-boyfriend walking down the street. The though of turning around and asking him to have coffee with me crossed my mind. I've heard things about him. He's married. He's divorced. He's got long dreads. He's fat. He's thin. But I haven't actually seen him since that day he showed up on my front porch and demanded to see "his" dog. )And I wish I had given him "his" dog, because maybe his dog would still be alive today if I had (his dog was the dog that he threatened to put to sleep when we broke up because he had "no use for the dog anymore")) So the thought occurred to me that it would be fun to catch up and find out what his world is like now, but I didn't turn around until I was much further down the block and he was way out of sight and then I kept seeing all of these thin wispy looking women walking down the street, and I remembered all of the reasons why I broke up with him in the first place (among them the fact that he was an unemployed artist living off of my thinning patience and puny salary as a Kinko's clerk. I worked, and he hung out in strip clubs drawing pictures of naked women with syringes for arms. Yeah. That was probably a pretty good reason to break up with him.) and even though, sure, he's probably changed a bit since then and, no, I don't feel particularly bitter about anything that happened in our relationship (he was, after all, a decent lover and he did, after all, put up with a lot of residual angst from all of the other stuff that was going on in my life at the time) perhaps it's best that I leave that wisp of fond remembrance unsullied with the stench of potential reality.
But, whereever you are, A.M.F., I hope you are well. I bear you no ill-will...and I'm glad to be reminded of your presence on this earth.
Bumming Around Austin + Other Updates
February 20, 2004
I would like to sit down and do some semi-serious writing today, but in the HOUR that I've been attempting to do so, I've been yelled at, demanded of, and the dogs have escaped from the backyard at least once. My life is way too chaotic lately.
Which is why I am glad it's an alternate Friday, and I have mama time. Yahoo! It's been almost a month since the last time I had 5 hours of unadulterated alone time, and I'm totally needing it now. Not that I'm unhappy with the company I've been keeping of late, but there's nothing like having time to myself, and I intend to make the most of it.
My plan is to take the bus down to the drag and bum around town. There is a rally at 11 for the National Day of Solidarity with Muslim, Arab and South Asian Immigrants, and then a rally and march at 4:30. Unfortunately, L doesn't get here until noon, and I'm supposed to be back by 5, so I'll miss much of both, but I think I can squeeze a little of each in, among my meanderings.
Most likely, I'll spend most of my time at Mojo's or Spiderhouse, clearing out my e-mail box and finishing this really old book on teaching Language Arts that I can't seem to, and am, for some reason, determined to finish. I'm sure that sentence was incorrectly composed, too. Oh, the irony. The book is from the 40's or 50's and features pictures of scrubbed and well-dressed white children intent on learning the ins and outs of the English language. But it's not as bad as it sounds. I'm skipping over a lot of things that are irrelevant in the homeschooling environment, but there are some good ideas, and I guess I don't want to miss anything that might be of use.
I also intend to make a stop at Half Price Books, so I can pick up a copy of The Hobbit for Monk. I scored a bunch of brand new Goosebumps books for him through freecycle, so he's going to have a bunch of reading material. Last night, he was so engrossed in Let's Get Invisible that he didn't want to go to bed. I think I'm raising a little sci-fi/horror/fantasy nerd, and I'm almost positive this child is going to grow up to be a military strategist. So much for my carefully controlled (and hyper controlling) homeschool environment. I guess I'm just not very good at this brainwashing thing.
Speaking of brainwashing, Coley is now into Age Of Empires. This child, who is three, can turn on the computer, find his way through the start menu to the folder and start-up file for the game, and can navigate the game well enough to create scenarios. It bugs the shit out of me that he wants to play the game (he insists that now that he's a "big boy" and can pee in the toilet, he should be allowed to play it) BUT I think his motor skills and his uncanny ability to open and close things is amazing. This morning, I told him "Coley, you are cute." And he got ALL indignant and said "I am NOT! I'm HALF cute and HALF smart."
Speaking of funny things they say, the other day at the playground, Monk was getting acquainted with another little girl who was there with her grandma. I was sitting on the perimeter, across the yard from them, playing Frogger on my phone. I heard the little girl say "I'm FIVE, and I'm not in school yet."
Monk replied "I'm SEVEN, and I don't plan to EVER go to school."
I burst out laughing, and felt I had to explain to grandma that Monk was a homeschooler, lest she call CPS on my ass. She laughed too, though - so I'm guessing she got it. As it turned out, the other lady who was at the park that day ended up retrieving my dog from one of her little romps around the neighborhood later that week. She told me "Monk is SO smart!" And when I told her we are homeschoolers, she gave me a joking glare and said she's an English teacher.
Have I mentioned that I REALLY need to fix that damn fence?
Speaking of pet problems, my cat has suddenly developed some sort of skin irritation on her back, and is scabbing up and losing her hair along her spine. She seems healthy in every other respect, so I"m just doing my best to douse her in lavender and tea tree oil mixed with a bit of olive oil and water, and hoping that it ends up healing over...we'll see. I don't get it. It's not fleas, and I don't think it's ringworm. I have no idea what she's gotten herself into...
So, yeah. Today is bumming around Austin, tomorrow is work and hanging out with my sweetie, Sunday is fixing things around the house day and making dinner with friends night, and then it's back to the daily grind on Monday. Which isn't really a grind at all, but I love to pretend that my job is somehow burdensome because that's what everyone else does, and we all know that I strive to be like everyone else, in every way.
Speaking of work, I've been posting quick little links on my work blog, since I can't access this site from there. There were a couple of good ones yesterday, if yr interested.
I hope everyone has a good day. I'll be posting from wherever I end up, as I might even get to read the news today. Hooray!
Meet your Idols, and go out for coffee with them.
February 19, 2004
Last night, I had the pleasure of co-instruction, coffee, and conversation with a local activist/artist mama I've admired for a long time. It was awesome, and it turns out that she has read this blog and was very complimentary about it. I was somewhat abashed, but thrilled at the same time, and I just had the nicest time talking to her in one of those meandering conversations that I'm sure I could have allowed to go on forever had I not been pressed to get home and take over the parenting responsibilities of the kids.
I was so thrilled, though. And so honored to be recognized.
The class was a blogging class which was one of the many workshops put together for the black family technology week. My idol is this lovely mermaid, who is, among other things, one of the guiding voices behind another cool Community Technology project here in Austin. She was on one of the best panels at last year's SxSW interactive, giving a presentation about the importance of inclusion and diversity in "cyberspace." And she's just an all around out there, cool, inspiring person. I was excited to hear about her projects, and I am totally psyched to have had the chance to spend some time with her. AND she bought me coffee. So, hey, it was a cool evening. Thanks, mama!
Monk's Dream
February 19, 2004
Monk says to me this morning:
"I wish Twyla hadn't woken me up, because I was in the middle of a dream, and I was about to get to the good part."
I say:
"What was the dream?"
Monk says:
"I dreamed I was the only person alive on earth...and I was about to drink ALL of the lemonade."
Dog Tired
February 18, 2004
I have spent the past week attempting to discover the holes in the fence that my three little houdini dogs have been creating in order to take joy romps around the neighborhood. Yesterday, I resigned myself to just getting them identification tags with my address and phone number on them so at least people know where to return them. Twyla got out twice today. The little fart. They've all been pushing against the pickets to push the nails out, and there are parts of the weathered pickets that have had holes chewed or scratched into them.
I'm going to do a thorough inspection and repair on the fence on Sunday. Until then, it's going to be a crowded house, or we're going to be hanging out outside, trying to keep the dogs away from the perimeter. So, if you see a bug-eyed boston terrier, a chunky beagle, or a white boxer run by your house, you'll know who to call.
Sigh.
No Place Like Television For Obnoxious Overkill
February 18, 2004
Someone please tell me that this episode of law and order wasn't demonizing homeschooling AND single parenting in one neat little package. Please?
Word Play
February 18, 2004
Awhile back, we had a discussion about words that had two opposing meanings. And today, while trying to figure out the term for a word that has more than one meaning (like top), I found this site, which answers the question briefly.
Perfect.
February 18, 2004
I'm awake at 6:22, after having lay awake in bed for the past hour or so, trying to convince myself to go back to sleep, or at least lay awake in bed for a bit longer, but unable to do so for two reasons. First, because that old to-do list kept running through my head, and the idea of waking up a full two hours before the usual time seems like a good way to cut down on some of the stuff that needs to be done around here (if I can find my broom, which I know was by the washing machine when I left for work yesterday, but gremlins seem to have moved it somewhere out of sight.) Second, because I'm having sinus/bronchial troubles which are keeping me up with the dripping and the wheezing and the everything else.
And the latter problem, I think, is larger than the former. Because I'm experiencing a lot more difficulty breathing lately, and having to rely on the albuterol inhaler more than I have since I first got it. Which indicates to me that I'm feeling a great degree of stress and, since I'm not really allowing myself (?) to feel the stress emotionally, it's coming at me physically, and that is no good.
But I think I have the reason, if not the solution. I think it's perfection that is stressing me out. The pressure of feeling like I have to be perfect. And I realize that's a totally ridiculous thing to stress me out because, yes, I am aware that I am not perfect. So not perfect. But I feel like there are a lot of people in my life, including myself, who inadvertantly or not tend to exacerbate this pressure.
I think to a great degree this is self-imposed, but it's self-imposed because of my feelings of having to prove myself due to the lifestyle choices I've made. Like, the first time I noticed I had a problem with this was when I started to realize that the fact that I have made different parenting choices from my mom made me feel like my kids had to behave "better" than my sister's kids, who are being raised more like my mom raised her kids. You know what I mean? Like living outside the unwritten rules of the family gave me the sense that I had to be "better." Because, why go to the trouble of breaking the rules if you aren't going to produce a better result? Right?
I'm sure the problem arose before then, and if I think about it hard, it's probably always been present in my life, accounting for much of my depression and emotional duress throughout...but that's where I'll begin for now, and maybe sometime when I can breathe a little better, I'll actually go spelunking a little further back there into the darker recesses of my being and figure out where it might have originated.
For now, though, I need to focus on how this is playing out in my present life.
The other day, I was talking to Kate about L's behavior towards me. L and I had had a confrontation about something that I don't feel the need to be specific about here, and basically L did his thing where he tries to make me feel like I'm making bad parenting decisions or I am a bad parent in general. To be specific about the way he does this, there have been accusations by him that letting the children play alone in the (privacy-fenced) backyard is neglectful (even though I check on them every 5 minutes or so, and the dogs are usually out there with them, and Monk is like the most responsible, cautious 7 year old who ever EVER lived, and WHY THE FUCK am I justifying this? You see? You see where I'm at?) and that I'm somehow "doing it wrong" when it comes to homeschooling, and that Monk has ringworm because I'm neglectful, and that allowing J to interact with the children is "inappropriate," and that Coley had an accident in his pants because I wasn't paying attention to him, and that I just dump the kids on random strangers whenever I feel like it (which is TOTALLY laughable,) and that I don't manage money responsibly and I would be able to support myself and my kids in this house without any help from him if I wasn't such a spendthrift. Basically, for the last few months that he lived here - perhaps longer, but I only REALLY noticed it in the past few months - L would lock himself away in the back room of our house, and would wander through like some sort of crazed inspector and click his tongue at me disapprovingly if I was on the computer or doing anything other than watching the children like a fucking hawk. And then, rather than attempt to help out and actually behave in the way he expected me to behave, he'd give me a withering stare and retreat back into his room.
Not to get overly justify-y or anything, but there's this thing called "benign neglect" OK? And every once in awhile, I engage in it to a degree, and what inevitably happens is that Monk ends up inventing a really cool game, or reading the encyclopedia, or making some other cognitive leap that would not have been made had he been relying on my to provide him with entertainment and or stimulus non-stop. I am here. I am available. But I am not your 24-hour a day Julie McCoy. This might be the Love Boat, but I am not your Cruise Director, OK?
So, anyway, what Kate pointed out to me is that most parents have this little voice inside their head which holds them to an unrealistic ideal of parenting that we will never reach. And it's not bad to have this ideal, but the inner critic can be pretty brutal at times. I am well-acquainted with my inner critic, thank you very much, and I am constantly sorting through her commentary to decipher what is critical and what is just surface noise that should be disregarded. And, what Kate also pointed out is that, in addition to this inner critic, I also have someone standing on the outside of me, confirming all of the unrealistic expectations of the inner critic, and what I realize is that it really wears me down. Not only am I constantly second-guessing myself, but I have someone (who isn't really willing to do the work on himself, I might add) poking at me and demanding that I TRIPLE-guess myself.
And I'm really hoping this sense of perfection isn't being expressed towards the children. I don't THINK it is, but I do know that I have been freaked out about L forcing Monk to take a standardized test to "prove" that homeschooling isn't fucking him up because I'm afraid he won't make a "perfect" score. I have to be reminded that, um, some kids get things wrong sometimes. And I'm pretty sure that I'm patient with Monk when he gets stuff wrong, but I'm leaving a note for myself here to be watchful of how I impose my inner critic on him.
So, there's that. I know it's present, and there's not much I can do about his criticisms other than ignore them.
But, I'm discovering that there's another layer of pressure on me, imposing an obligation to be perfect. And that is being a single mother dating a younger, childless man. And it doesn't come from him, because you can bet he wouldn't last long if it did, but it comes from (in my mind - and perhaps it's not even a reality, but it might as well be now that my mind has grabbed hold of it) his family, his friends, and...well, society in general.
The thing is that I feel like I'm trouble. And I've been joking with him about it for awhile now. Like "what are you getting yourself into, J?" and various other little remarks about how much of a challenge it is to be in a relationship with me. But something clicked in me last night, and I realized that joke isn't funny anymore, because it's just me seeking to get J to validate my negative feelings about myself. And he does, not realizing exactly what it is that I'm doing, by joking back - assuming that it's funny. And it is...but it isn't, you know?
Because I can just imagine the reaction his friends and family have to him telling them about me, and my imagined response is not very encouraging. And I guess there's a part of me that feels like I'm a burden. Logically, I realize that I'm not. And J does more than a fair amount of being complimentary and sweet to me. I have to reiterate that this does not come from him at all...it's all made up in my head bullshit and it doesn't even come from a place of believing in inherent goodness, because really I'm not giving people enough credit. I mean, certainly there would be some incredulity, but I can't imagine that people would expect for me to be perfect to "make up" for all of my baggage.
But I do. And I guess that's what matters here. That I am still finding ways to hold myself accountable for human failings that are unavoidable. That I am still predisposed to sabotage relationships because I feel unworthy of them. That I am still, on a subconscious level, making myself sick over every little and large imperfection in my character and behavior.
It's there. I'm noticing it. I'm going on record acknowledging it. And I have no earthly clue what else to do about it. Perhaps, for now, just acknowledging it is enough.
Some Updates, some gushing, a little bit of introspection, and a rant
February 17, 2004
First of all, I am so sorry that I have not sent out any of those mix CD's. I've run into some money issues due to a change in payroll schedule at work, and it might be awhile before I can get the postage. I did go out and buy blank CDs and envelopes, and I've already burned several copies, but I'm scared to spend much money on postage, lest I run out of money by the end of the month. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to make it through the next few months while I adjust my budget to the new schedule, and this is causing me to use maybe more caution than is even warranted.
I was talking about this with J last night. I feel dumb complaining about it, because it's not like I don't have enough to feed us all or pay our bills or anything. It's just that it's really tight, and money being really tight always sends me in one of two directions: I either hoard money to a ridiculous degree, or I freak out and start spending more than I should. My spending sprees are always practical, but not necessary. Like last week, when I went to the office supply store and blew a bunch of money on markers, pens, workbooks for the kiddos, and supplies for our homeschool room. Those items weren't really necessary, but I did get some decorating done that I've been putting off for months, and I love the pictures I've hung on the walls. The room is definitely looking more "playroom" ish, rather than a big purple room with smelly carpet.
I've also been diligently freecycling. Which is to say, I have scored some tremendous things via freecycle, but have not yet had time to box up all of my unwanted items and post them. There are many things I'm looking forward to getting rid of. So far, I've gotten a really nice area rug, a futon mattress that is in perfect shape and is now being used in the playroom as a couch, a bunch of tupperware, a stereo system with receiver, tape deck, and 5 CD changer (components), several bars of soap to make laundry detergent, dog food, dishes, and I'm sure there are other things that I'm forgetting about. Freecycle fucking rocks, and I'm very glad for all of the things I've received & can't wait to start giving.
My friend Kate had 5 glorious child-free days last week, and she cleaned and organized her house and I am so totally jealous. Maude knows I love my children, but the thought of them being somewhere else for 5 days, somewhere where they are being loved and treated respectfully and showered with attention and affection, while I clean...well, that sounds almost orgiastic to me. I can say in all honesty that I would take a vacation from work and spend the whole time with the music blaring and me methodically cleaning room by room. And I don't think I would even have time to miss the children.
I know it's a continuing (whiny) theme of this blog for me to go on and on about how much I would like to be able to really just clean this house, but it's so true, and it's so indicative of the problems in my relationship. When I am "given" time to myself, it is outside of my home...so the only time I can clean is when the children are present. And that CAN be done, but not as effectively. Especially when we're talking about organizing and sorting things...inevitably, Coley becomes interested in what I am doing, and starts unorganizing and unsorting, and I get upset and it becomes a battle of wills rather than an enjoyable and relaxing thing for me to do. So, I've really kind of decided it's not even worth it. I can pull things out bit by bit at night when they are asleep, but the time I have to do that is so far between that by the time I have organized one thing, another has completely fallen apart and needs reorganizing. I'm quite tired of it.
Blah. Enough of that. For now, I'll just do what I can to appreciate my chaotic, happy home.
Speaking of happy...
I'm still very much enjoying my budding romantic interest in J. I'm enjoying him in the abstract about as much as in concrete reality, in that...I'm really just examining the way I've responded to past relationships and enjoying my own maturity and ability to deal with feelings that I've had trouble dealing with in the past.
I think, too, that having the children present and primary in my life has given me a point of focus and a center. And where at one point in my life, a new love interest would have become an unhealthy "reason for living" - I don't feel a sense of urgency about J. Although I'm very much in love with him and enjoy spending time with him, there's a knowledge in me that I can survive without him. I've done well, and I will continue to do well, and his presence in my life is more of a happy bonus than a desperate and cloying necessity.
See, one of the things I feared most about becoming a single parent was that I just couldn't hack it. That I would, out of fear of loneliness or abject poverty or any of a number of things that arise when one has no partner on which to rely, simply pick the first person who seemed halfway decent and attach to that person. There's no basis in reality for this fear, because I've never really approached relationships that way, nor was that the model provided to me by my mother, who raised 7 children without support from either of her two ex's and did not re-marry. But I guess that's the point of irrational fear.
Instead, what I've found is that first - I was alone in my relationship with L for over 3 years, gathering strength and learning to survive without support. Certainly he was PHYSICALLY present, and took care of the kids when it was demanded of him, most of the time...but he hasn't been present for me emotionally for a very long time. And I spent a lot of my own energy debating over whether it was fair or right for me to divorce a person who was obviously struggling with severe depression, and in many ways neglected myself because of that. But the fact is that I was alone, and I did learn to cope, and I did prove to myself that I can handle it...and I did learn to deal by building relationships with people - building community - so that I have people to fall back on when I am truly in need. And I don't want to say that my relationship with L benefitted me in that respect, because it's a sucky way to learn to surrender and ask for help, but I certainly have learned some important lessons through that trial. So my first lesson is that I have a great deal of inner strength, in addition to reserves of strength which lie within the hearts of people I love.
Second, I've also discovered that I really need to re-evaluate all of my ideas and opinions and theories about romantic love, relationships, marriage, and monogamy within the context of a healthy relationship. Which is not to say that all of the things I have said on the subject have been invalid, but I think it's warranted that I reframe a lot of things. I was actually way underestimating the disease in relationship with L, and there is so much more healing that I need to do. Ironically, the more I discover, the more empathy I have for L. And I have a strong desire to one day bridge the gap caused by the destructive ill-health of our relationship, even though at this point it appears unlikely that I will ever be able to do so.
I also feel the need to get this out because it's been pissing me off all weekend when I've allowed myself to think about it. Because he's unwilling to let go of a disagreement and my decision to not associate with him any longer, Subversity continues to butt into any conversation in which I make my voice heard to accuse me of, how did he put it, using him as a "surrogate" for my husband. If you are reading this, Karl, Fuck you. I only wish th