Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: What is Fair for the Children

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What is Fair for the Children

February 26, 2004

What is Fair for Children of Abusive Men?

I know that fathers and mothers should both be capable parents. But if you ask "What about the kids?" I want to give you a serious answer. I cannot seriously entertain the myth that our society really is gender neutral, so to consider "What about the kids?" while pretending such neutrality is to engage in denial and cognitive dissonance. I cannot hope to arrive at an answer that will positively affect reality if my underlying assumptions are based on fantasy.
So I am going to talk today about the effects of male power and control over children, not about parental power and control. As I cite examples, some of you may hear your internal voice saying, "But women do that, too." As this happens I would ask you to be aware that such voices are often the voice of guilt that try to distract us from what we really know about men's violence so that we need not take responsibility for this violence.

It is true, for example, that some women do batter men. But the number of severe cases of this type is so low when compared with the virtual war of men's violence against women, that they cannot be seen above the statistical noise. This voice that says "But women do that, too" has as its purpose, not compassion for battered men or lesbians, but a distraction from the noble goal of ending battering of women.

[...]

Joint Custody is clearly a type of "best interests" criterion. It explicitly assumes that joint custody is in the child's best interests. There are severe consequences for battered women subjected to joint custody presumptions.
Joint custody forced upon two hostile parents can create a toxic psychological environment for a child. Because 95% of all joint custody awards are for joint legal custody 6 the living arrangements are exactly the same as under a sole-custody/ visitation order. However joint legal custody does expand the right of the non-primary-caretaking parent to impede the ability of the primary-caretaker to make needed and timely decisions.

Um, like putting children in the middle of parenting disagreements? That it's OK to use threats and accusations of neglect in an attempt to gain some sort of perverse control? That it's OK to tell the other parent that she'd be able to afford health insurance if she "didn't spend so much money on...." (and then trail off to avoid having to surmise at what the other parent might possibly be spending money on, because any idiot who knows how to add and subtract would clearly see the idiocy of that statement, not to mention the jackass that said it isn't contributing a fucking dime to the operation of the household or the care and feeding of the children.) (I'm speaking hypothetically, of course.

Granted, that article focuses more on physical abuse, which is outside of my realm of reality...I'm more familiar with emotional/psychological/verbal abuse:

Abuse is about control and the fear of losing it. Ill-treatment is an absurd effort to maintain and enhance the abuser's hegemony - social, cultural, legal, and, above all, psychological.

[...]

To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore - are all modes of abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is long. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the mistreatment.

Yeah. That's familiar. I know that. And I'm doing my best to reject it...and trying to figure out what is fair for the children.

Posted at February 26, 2004 9:03 AM

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Comments

what is fair for the children. good question. you know i think your ex has way too much access. well now you know.

Posted by: angela at February 26, 2004 7:51 PM