I have to gush a little bit about J, even though I know it embarrasses him. I was really able to just put all of the week of worry behind me in his presence on Saturday. I had made a vow to not discuss the stress in my household, in spite of the fact that it was on my mind a good deal of the day. I needed to put it OUT of my mind, so I created a verbal fantasy in which the person who is causing me stress does not exist. Every time I was tempted to talk about the person who is causing me stress, I conjured up an image of a friendly, sweet, grandmotherly woman taking care of my children - baking cookies, singing lullabyes, reading stories, and sending them off to bed. It was a very good visualization to use after last week. Instead of focusing on the things in my life that freak me out and cause me stress, I was able to relax and fully focus on J - who seemed to be intent on fully focusing on me. And it was very nice. Being with J is always nice. He always listens no matter what it is that I'm obsessively chattering about, but it's even better when I can allow myself to feel connected to the present, connected to him. Connected to the other people who contribute positively to my life, and to whose lives I strive to contribute positively.

So, we hung out for a bit, kind of relaxing, connecting. Being Together. And then we trekked over to K8's with a stop at Thai Village along the way for food.

Thai Village has the BEST tofu dish EVER. It's Basil Tofu (I think it's Kra Prow?) and it is so very yummy. We got three different entrees to share, and all of them were very tasty. And then we sat at kate's and listened to music and talked, and it was very lovely indeed.

And when I got home, I sent granny on her way and enjoyed a little bit of alone time, reading this book that I would like to talk about later. And then J called, telling me I forgot my computer at his house, and the sweetheart came all the way over here to give it to me even though I KNOW he was tired, so I made him some tea, and we snuggled a bit and then he went home.

I'm leaving out the details. But you get the picture. It's very comfortable. I have angst, but most of that angst is displacement, and I recognize it as such. You know? It's like I'm thinking "What the fuck is this poor man doing coming into my life where he has to clean up all of the crap that was left her by the previous person. Or helping me to clean it up." Sometimes I freak out about not being able to give back what I'm being given, but I know there is a long road stretching in front of me and behind me, and I have gladly given more than I have received at times, and now I'm receiving more than I can give, and things will no doubt balance out in the end. I have to focus on the long run, because if I look at the short run I feel self-conscious and greedy. And there's more I want to say about this when I talk about the book that I just finished, but I can't talk about that now...

I put the TV up in solidarity with some friends of mine. We are going to do no TV for at least the month of March, if not longer. It's become too central in our lives these past few weeks. I'm not going so far as to eliminate computer time, though. I dunno that I used the TV to give myself more computer time, but I sense that I might have less time to write things here without it's occupying presence. Although this morning Monk has been in the bathtub for about 2 hours so far, refusing to get out...so maybe there are other ways for them to entertain themselves for brief or extended periods. Yesterday, there was even an hour or so long stretch where they were BOTH taking naps (because they are sickish) and I was able to finish my book...the one I'm going to talk about later.

Anyway, that was about it for my weekend. Sunday, we lazed around most of the morning blowing our noses and trying to keep the snot to a minimum, and then we had a totally hellish trip to the overcrowded grocery store. Both boys were whining and grouchy and I was trying to get out of there as quickly as I could, but I had to get 2 weeks' worth of groceries and it ended up taking more than an HOUR to do so. We came home and that's when the boys took their naps and I started cooking some soup and reading and cleaning up bit by bit. The boys woke up and I let Monk watch Star Wars on Fox...and then read to coley and they all went to bed, but all night it was musical beds with me starting out in the playroom on the futon and just as I was about to fall asleep, Monk came in upset because he said cole peed on his head and so I cleaned him up and changed his clothes and went in to the bedroom to discover that someone had barfed, so I had to clean that up and then I just laid down on Monk's bed and before I could fall asleep, Coley was in there asking for some water and it was a whole ordeal and what started out as a night in which I had thought I was actually going to get to sleep a bit early ended up with me turning in around 2ish or so. And still there was a lot of sleep struggling and drama and whatnot.

It all makes me laugh internally when I think about the person who is attempting to cause drama in my life, because he assumes that after a certain hour, parenting doesn't really "COUNT" - and I suppose the reason I'm responding so strongly to being called lazy by the fatphobic idiots here is because this person is claiming that I am somehow a "lazy" parent. Um, yeah. OK. When this person can spend ONE fucking night dealing with sick, whiny, barfy children all night long and manage to wake up in the morning, serve breakfast, and take care of things all day long without completely losing his shit, he can then MAYBE attempt to judge me as a parent. Until then, he's just another asshole trying to make himself feel better by attempting to make me feel bad about myself. I do a damn good job here, and if I'm a bit tired in the morning, and if I lay down in the bed every once in awhile, it's because I've been taking care of EVERYTHING for the past 24+ hours.

Gah. You would not believe the bullshit I have had to listen to from this person for the past week. I don't even think I have the energy to repeat it all right now. I'm still firmly ensconced in the grandma fantasy, and I don't wish to unensconce myself at this time. Perhaps later. Not now. I'm resting.