Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: April 2004 Archives

We had quite a day today. The boys and I got up at around 9 AM, ate breakfast, got dressed, and headed out for the bus stop at 10 to catch the bus downtown. We were ahead of schedule, so there was no hurry. We stopped to look at flowers and watch the bees buzzing and talk about reproduction, bees, beauty. The fact that the pattern on a poppy looks like a big "X" marks the spot. This is homeschooling at its finest. I'm so glad that Monk hasn't figured out that flowers are for hippies.

The boys love love love the bus...and today was a field trip day, so we could pretend it was the magic school bus. We took the number 5, which takes a circuitous route through campus down to Congress, and both boys got to pull the dinger to indicate that our stop was next.

Cole brought his sword and shield, a flashlight, and a little toy Super Grover. I ended up bagging the flashlight and Grover while Cole waved his sword and held his shield up for protection from imaginary monsters.

First stop was Little City, where the boys enjoyed some lemonade and I had an iced coffee. Then we decided to walk up the Eckerd's to see if they had Blue's Clues band-aids (because Blues Clues makes the boo-boos go away faster, I hear) and on the way, we ran across Monk's baseball coach, dressed in civilian businessman clothes. It was wild. Monk was pretty surprised, but I think the coach was even more surprised. I'm not sure if he knows Monk is a homeschooler or not.

Anyway, Eckerd's didn't have the bandages, so we headed back to the Art Museum, which was the location of today's field trip. Monk was to be supervised by E, the mama of triplets, who is just one of my all-time favorite mamas. And when Monk was settled in with his group, I took Coley for a little walk around the block and back over to The Hideout, which is yet another coffee shop downtown.

I got Cole a cookie, sat down at a table with him and started opening it up for him. "Do you want to save some of this for your brother Monk?" "Nope." Just like that. The lady at the next table laughed at that exchange and we shared a conspiratorial grin. Cole can be a gargantuan pain in the ass a lot of the time, but he's ALWAYS just so damn adorable, you know.

I sat about writing some mushy stuff about J in my paper journal while coley devoured his cookie. At one point, a man who I assume is the owner or manager of the Hideout came to sit down with us and asked Coley about his sword and shield. They had a cute little conversation, and coley was all ga-ga over him. Coley really likes men. A lot. I thought it was sweet.

A little while later, owner guy brought Coley a cherry slushee and made a toast with him and his own cherry slushee. It was so sweet. Coley was all in love with this man after that point. He kept looking over by the counter saying softly "Thank you SOOO much...I was SOOOOO thirsty."

Then, abruptly as is Coley's style, it was Time To Go. No way around it. So we got up and I looked for our friend and he was gone. I told the woman at the counter to please thank him again for the slushee. It was such a sweet thing to do. Thanks Hideout guy.

(..how wonderful it feels to just smile at people and enjoy all of the little nice things that people do for each other. I seem to experience it a lot...little exchanges. I watch for them. Smiles from nowhere. Grinning at people who are scowling and having them stop to smile back. It's like a game I play, and I always win. Granted, it's a lot more effective when I have my kids present, but there's nothing at all like walking around with all your love hanging out, grinning like a goddamned fool just to see who might grin back...the coffee shop was playing "every little thing is gonna be alright.")

Ater that, we made our way back the the art museum once again to collect Monk. I watched Cole and a handful of other baby brothers and sisters run back and forth from one end of the entry way to the other. Coley's entire face was cherry red by now, and he was waving his sword around.

Monk enjoyed the field trip, and he made a kaleidascope. We went to Quizno's when it was over, and the kids got sandwiches to bring home on the bus. J called as we were making our way to the bus stop. He wanted me to know that he scored tickets to see The Full Monty tonight.

I held Coley in my lap all the way home, and he fell asleep right before our stop, but woke up and was able to walk home. Then the boys played in the backyard while I took a shower.

I just braided my hair. I'm hoping J doesn't notice that the braids (they are caught up in little buns behind my ears) are totally lopsided. Of course, he seems to like it when they are lopsided, so it might work to my advantage. Whatever that might mean.

I'm tired, but it's a nice tired. The kids are happy. The house is a mess and I won't be here long enough to justify cleaning it up right now. I hope this play is good. I might need some coffee to keep me going.

Posted at 3:44 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Update on Fullbleed.net

April 29, 2004

I got some e-mails from Liz tonight, and I was right about all of the data still being there. The only thing that we need to do now is renew the domain registration and then I'm assuming we will be able to pick up where we left off. I'm not sure WHEN, exactly...but at least I do know that all of the data is intact, and we are cool. I'll be transferring the domain into my name asap so this won't happen again.

Anyone who has a fullbleed blog (and/or anyone who enjoys the fullbleed blogs) is encouraged to make a donation to Liz for all of her generosity and just general cooleness. You can do that by going to surreally.org, clicking on the hosting fund link, and paypaling her some dough.

Thanks!

Posted at 11:41 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Brenda on Helen Thomas

April 29, 2004

Brenda Stardom [ GIVE 'EM HELen THOMAS! ]

Posted at 2:00 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Monk on Plants

April 29, 2004

I had just started a day-to-day homeschool blog when fullbleed.net went down. I was using it to record our daily activities, but maybe it would be better to just record those things here to give people an idea of what homeschooling is all about - and for the sake of only having to log on one place to post this kind of stuff

Let me catch you up by giving you a recap of our week.

Monday is math day, and Monk and I quizzed each other with Brain Quest first Grade Math. We also played the card game War, and worked on a logic puzzle.

Tuesday is Language Arts day, and Monk read and worked some more on his logic puzzle.

Wednesday is usually Fine Arts/Project day, but we had a field trip to the Science Stuff store instead. They had prepared a demonstration which illustrated how laser light is absorbed or reflected by various colors. I thought it was poorly demonstrated, and that the explanation sucked. I also didn't like it that they fed the kids "germs" (made out of jello) out of Petri Dishes. Thankfully, Monk knows better than to eat Jello ("It's made of ANIMALS, mom.") Because, I mean, what a bad idea to teach kids to eat brown and green jiggly stuff out of a petri dish! But then we went to k8's house for an impromptu playgroup and the kids had lots of fun exploring a hollow tree stump in k8's front yard.

Today is Natural Science Day, and we read 2 chapters from the Childcraft volume "Green Kingdom." Monk watered his plants, and we looked up the answer to the question Monk had about why the "touch me not" is called that. Monk also explained the process of photosynthesis by saying that "The leaves need water to produce food, and the roots need food to produce water - and so they make a trade." Which I thought was pretty astute. The book didn't use the term photosynthesis, and I'm not sure if I should teach him that word or not at this point. We did talk about how seeds are made, and I managed to work in a little human reproductive education as well.

Today is supposed to be park day, but I don't feel like going, so we're just going to stay home. I just told Monk that I'd play war with him for awhile, and then I'm probably going to do some more housework and leave Monk to his own devices.

During all of this, Cole generally listens in, or gets hugs and kisses, or colors with his crayons. And I try to read to him a few times a day. Right now, he wants me to play tangrams with him, so I'll probably do that before I play with Monk.

Tonight, I'm thinking Monk and I will write a little essay about what we read about today, to see what he remembers. I'm hoping that before long, Monk will be able to keep track of his own learning activities using a blog or some other written record.

Posted at 1:32 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Monk's advice

April 29, 2004

I'm practicing my whistling, doing the dishes, and Monk comes into the kitchen and says

"I think the way you TUNE it is by putting your tongue different places in your mouth."

So I replied "Are you saying I'm out of tune?"

Monk says "I'm not saying you're out of tune. I'm saying you're improving, but maybe if you moved your tongue around you might be able to tune it up a little better"

It's heartening to hear him offer such delicate criticism in such a positive way. I love that kid.

Posted at 9:56 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Come to think of it...

April 29, 2004

If I could get the upper arm tattoo I've always wanted, I'd probably feel more inspired to wear more sleeveless clothing, as well.

I've always wanted the woodcut tulips from the rites of spring album as an armband. It would be painful as fuck to have all of that black ink laid down, but I think it would look lovely...what do you think?

Posted at 9:43 AM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

Tattoo Lust

April 29, 2004

i got myself a swimsuit yesterday. Actually, got one of those two piece suits that's a sort of long top on top and bikini-ish bottoms. I really want to get some cool board shorts to wear on the bottom, but there's nothing in my size anywhere that I like. Evidently, I'm supposed to want to wear a full-on-freaking dress while swimming...and I just don't. I'm sorry, I don't think wearing a dress in the water disguises the fact that I am fat. It might have about 50 pounds ago or so, but not anymore.

And, looking in the mirror, why would I want to disguise it anyway? There's some belly skin that shows between where the top ends and the bottom begins, and I'm thinking about tattoos. I'm thinking about getting huge flames tattooed all across my belly. Flames, leaping up from my pubic bone to my ribs, bordering the perimeter of the skin that stretched to make room for the babies.

I think if I had flames tattooed on my belly, I'd definitely show it off more. And I think my belly deserves to see more of the outside world.

Posted at 9:32 AM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

Grey and Green Today

April 29, 2004

We're skipping out on ecology club today. Evidently, Monk wants to sleep in, as it's 8:54 and he's still asleep. I feel like climbing back into bed, myself, but I also know that a certain momentum must be reached today, so I will stay awake and pour myself another cup of coffee. Cole is playing Lode Runner, again. This game is going to be put on a high shelf next week. Both kids want to play it whenever they get computer time.

We had a good day yesterday. A great day, actually. There was a homeschool field trip to the Science Stuff store here in Austin. I took Monk and K8's boys and k8 watched cole and her little one while we were out. The boys had fun, and when we went back, they all had fun playing together outside. And I got to talk to K8 and J. Angsting and reassuring about motherhood and all it's trials and travails.

Like I think I've mentioned, I think I've been isolating myself a bit, and not allowing conversations like that to happen so much. I tend to feel like I end up talking too much about the shit that's going down in my life, but I can't seem to stop myself. So my stopgap solution has been to just not talk to anyone, which is ridiculous. So, slowly, I'm learning to have conversations again. I'm teach myself to listen. I'm trying REALLY HARD to not respond from my frame of direct reference because then it ends up being a conversation about the shit that's going down in my life. And it's not so much that anyone has told me they don't want to hear about it anymore (which, of course, I imagine they really don't) it's that I just don't want to talk about it anymore, but for some reason I allow myself to talk about it.

At any rate, it was nice. The kids played and we all had lunch and talked and the kids played and we talked some more. I have a movie watching date with k8 on Saturday and I'm looking forward to it. She's just such a special person. And, it's kind of funny, because I met her at just about the time that all of this shit with L was starting, so she's seen it all..and it's like I've been building (very slowly...very VERY slowly, which is the way I tend to do things with friendships - two steps closer, one step back) this trust and admiration thing with her throughout the disintegration of my relationship with L. Like a tree rising up from the wreckage of a hollowed out skyscraper or something.

J's great, too...I just don't know her as well. We had such great conversations about the wisdom of our children and the difficulties in raising them through all of our bullshit. Being fair. Setting boundaries. And outside the picture window, the children were playing and laughing and enjoying themselves.

I told K8 later that the kids are SO happy. I mean, my kids seem extraordinarily happy these days, as do hers...and I think that says a lot, given what they are going through. Part of the credit goes to their strength and resilience, but sometimes I don't give enough credit to myself and the community in which they are being raised. There are a lot of people who truly, truly love my kids, and whose kids I truly love. And it's warm, and I hope the kids will appreciate that as they get older.

I had to rush out of k8's to get home in time for L to come and watch the kids, and then I went to work...but C was cleaning out the curriculum drawer, so I thought it would be best to go work elsewhere. I ended up at J's after attempting to go to Flightpath and discovering that there was no place to plop myself and all of my stuff down. J looked so tired, so I gave him a backrub until he fell asleep and then sat down in front of my computer to do some work.

I have to admit that I felt kind of proud of myself for getting J to sleep, as he's generally (according to him) a restless sleeper/semi-insomniac. I kept thinking I was going to wake him up by wandering around the apartment. I was listening to Air America Radio on my headset and answering e-mails and time flew by and it was time for me to go and he was STILL asleep. So I left a note, sprayed the air with some lavender/lemon spritz, and tiptoed out of the apartment - being careful not to let the cats out, and locking the door behind me.

When I got home, I put the kids to bed, did a little lower body workout (squats and calf raises and situps) and played the Sims for a bit before turning in.

And today it's grey and green outside. Everything is lush. We might have a day of staying in today, unless I can make an appointment with my lawyer. Monk's still asleep, and I'm on my second cup of coffee.

Posted at 9:22 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Learning how to whistle.

April 27, 2004

The crayon incident was resolved without anyone getting hurt. I simply explained that I didn't want to argue about it any further, and that I was leaving the room to avoid senseless argument, and I went into the bedroom and lay down on the bed, and thought pleasant thoughts until the sounds of cleaning up ceased and was replaced by the sounds of play fighting. Shortly thereafter, Cole came running into the bedroom, screaming "SAVE ME SAVE ME SAVE ME, MAMA SAVE ME."

Do not be alarmed, this happens several thousand times a day. Last night, he was sitting in his papa's lap at Monk's baseball game saying the same thing "Save me, mama! I'm trapped inside a daddy!"

Anyway, Monk followed Coley into the bedroom, and he seemed to be in a better mood. I asked him if the crayons had been cleaned up and he said yes and I pinched his booty gently and told him to please not waste my time arguing about such things - when you make a mess, you clean it up. Period.

That was that. The cool thing about Monk is he gets over things about as quickly as he gets upset by them. Minutes later, we were in the living room together, and he was practicing his whistling. He asked me when I learned to whistle, and I confided that I actually never learned to whistle properly. He set about explaining how to me "Just make a circle with your lips, mom...and blow. But...you gotta remember to keep your tongue on the roof of your mouth."

Holy shit. No one ever told me to put my tongue on the roof of my mouth before! All of these years, I've been doing this improvised form of whistling, not realizing that the answer to all of my whistling questions involved a tongue and the roof of my mouth and their intimate relationship!

So it was that my seven year-old son taught me how to whistle. I'm so thankful to him for this lesson.

I had a bit of a freak out again over the weekend. I think with the divorce process entering its final phase, the thought of no longer being shielded by, while simultaneously living in the shadow of, a failed marriage is causing me to reflect on what I truly want in future relationships - rather than what I DON'T want, which is what I seem to have been doing a lot more frequently lately. I know what I don't want. I don't want what I just experienced. Ever, ever again.

It's frightening to think about what I DO want, though. Much more frightening than defining what I don't want. Much more frightening because it's far more specific. Much more frightening because the thought of getting what I want at this point in my life feels selfish even when it feels deserved.

It's comforting to know that after having lived much of my life relying on "fate" to get me through - making major decisions about what directions to take based on what was present in my life rather than creating options based on what was possible, and seeking out the necessary ingredients - I now have a pretty clear idea of what I actually want my life to look like. I know what I'm willing to sacrifice and what I need to cling to tenaciously.

What's disconcerting is how much of the elements are already in place. Lately, my life has felt scripted in all of the right ways. Part of me wants to surrender to this script - to allow it to play out, and the other part of me is wary about the suspiciously perfect timing of certain events and the presence of certain individuals. Even when I'm laughing, I'm wondering when the tragic plot twist will happen. Certainly there must be some drama, otherwise how are we gonna sell any tickets to this sucker?

Of course, logically I know my life is not a fucking blockbuster movie or box office smash. And while I do know that much of art imitates life, the plot lines of a life are far more complex than can be fully played out in a 2-hour cinema special.

At the same time, there's a theme running through this particular act in my personal broadway production that is familiar and predictable. I know where it's heading. There are many climaxes and turning points to uncover before the tragedy is unveiled. So I'm just going to practice whistling and allow it to unfold before me...and hope that when I reach that last page, I'll have already forgotten that I read ahead, and I will be honestly surpised.

Posted at 2:20 PM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

20 Crayons.

April 27, 2004

My brain is about to explode. I have been trying hard not to listen to Monk complain for the last TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES about the fact that I am insisting that he clean up the 20 crayons that he knocked onto the ground. I hadn't intended for it to be a punishment or the torture that he obviously thinks it is, but for crying out fucking loud - pick up what you spill. It's really simple, and I don't need to hear 50,000 arguments about how I am a fascist for making him do so.

Gah!

Posted at 12:59 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Get Well Soon.

April 26, 2004

Words do not express how very much I loveget your war on. Just when I think I can't hold the rage in any longer, a new one comes out and provides me with a good, hearty, uncomfortable, bile-filled, belly-laugh.

Oh, and the divorce book I got? The one with the forms? The publishers evidently used the same clipart book, because it has one of the phone dudes in the back. Hahahahaha.

UPDATE: th thought of making a "Get your Divorce on" spinoff of "Get Your War On" is making me laugh heartily.

Posted at 10:15 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Happy Monday

April 26, 2004

Well, in addition to everything else, it appears I've lost fullbleed.net. Blah. It looks like Liz at least knows there's a problem, but I'm not sure when she will have time to get around to addressing it or providing me with info on how I need to address it.

I need to upload my banner to the randomwalks.com server...but I'll have to do that later.

Sorry to the fullbleed blogs. More info forthcoming. At least we have that backup, and maybe it will pop back up like surreally.net did.

I should add as a disclaimer that Liz has had some extraordinary difficulties in her life of late, and I have no feelings of animosity or resentment whatsoever towards her. She's doing the best she can, and I appreciate all that she has done. Thanks, Liz.

Posted at 9:52 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

I'm tired

April 25, 2004

I'm tired of telling everyone everything. I'm tired of being an open book. I'm tired of being the strong one. I'm tired of feeling so weak. I'm tired. I'm tired of needing comforting. I'm tired of being comforted. I'm tired of feeling over-exposed. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of never being alone. I'm tired of not being able to trust my instincts. I'm tired of explaining myself. I'm tired of having to guess. I'm tired of opening up. I'm tired of running away. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of feeling unloved. I'm tired of laying down the law. I'm tired of feeling out of place. I'm tired of feeling unworthy. I'm tired of not getting what I deserve. I'm tired. I'm tired of complications. I'm tired of long explanations. I'm tired of the hush that falls over a room. I'm tired of never hearing about anyone ELSE'S problems. I'm tired of no response. I'm tired of my selfishness. I'm tired. I'm tired of sitting still. I'm tired of waiting for things to happen. I'm tired of always being the one who has to talk. I'm tired of being the root of all evil. I'm tired of sharing. I'm tired of not knowing who to trust. I'm tired of being vulnerable. I'm tired of being fragile. I'm tired of waiting to be shared with. I'm tired of feeling angry. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of other people feeling sorry for me. I'm tired of concern. I'm tired of worry. I'm tired.

I'm OK. But I'm so, so, so, so tired. I'm tired, but I can't rest. I'm tired, but I feel like I need constant movement. I'm tired, but if I sit in one place too long without anyone talking, I feel like I need to escape. I'm tired, but I'm restless.

I know this will all be over soon, but right now, I'm just really, really, unbelievably tired.

Posted at 9:57 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Psyche - a laundry line lament

April 23, 2004

I'm really growing tired of this week-long weather psyche out, where it looks like it's on the verge of rain all day, but then every once in awhile the sun breaks out...and it never actually rains, but it seems like it might.

And meanwhile, the laundry stacks up to the ceiling, waiting to be hung out to dry.

I'm thinking of stringing a clothesline in my living room.

Posted at 11:29 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

PMS

April 22, 2004

I think I came up with an answer to my PMS conundrum of last week. I think the deal is that I'm not really crazy at any time, I just tend to shift my focus every four weeks. Almost to the day (gosh is it helpful to have archived e-mails and blog posts to use as sort of psychological record-keeping) - I make crazy adjustments and I do tend to examine issues that I've pushed aside all month. But none of those things are invalid (is invalid? none IS invalid, right? Sounds funny.) they are just a shift, though perhaps a drastic one, from my normal day-to-day operations.

I haven't figured out why I get so damned cranky, though. Maybe that has to do with exhaustion...maybe I need to take more iron or something. Or, maybe I just get tired of putting on the cheerful and pleasant act in the face of so much bullshit. That might be it, too.

Posted at 3:59 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Today

April 22, 2004

Today has been difficult. Ever since we had that TV-free month, Coley has pretty much decided he doesn't like television. Which is a really good thing in general, but it becomes a really bad thing when I'm trying to do research and do not wish to be distracted by constant questions and clinging. I love the little guy. I surely do. But I am not very good at multitasking in that way. I can multi-task great when I'm the one choosing what tasks to multi, but when someone else is making demands while I"m trying to stay on task, I get tired and cranky. And the other party gets implacable. And we have trouble.

Thanks to a generous contribution to the divorce fund, I packed up the kiddos today and went to book people, where I got a book about filing for divorce, complete with forms, and I got Monk the next Lemony Snicket book, and coley a pinwheel. The person who paypal-ed the money told me that I should spend the money on something frivolous, and I'm afraid I failed her. But if I have some leftover after bills this month, I might go ahead and buy The Sims Unleashed. That's pretty frivolous. I know the divorce book is like the anti-frivolous, though.

Unfortunately, this book has everything BUT the instructions and paperwork for one very important document that I need to file. I'm all tense about it. I know that I will work on the forms tomorrow and I'm going to get all tense and irritable and I'm probably going to cry. Thankfully, I will be at J's house, and I have a feeling he will make me lay down until I am calm and rested and then he'll help me try again. Hahaha. I'm predicting all of this, and it will still happen exactly this way, even though I'm fully aware of what is going to happen. In spite of my awareness, I will not take the time to relax before diving in...I'll just do it, feel the tension, release it, and try again. And I do have some instructions for the form I'm confused about, just not enought to feel sure of myself.

And, gah. My lawyer is going to look over the stuff before I file it anyway, so it's not like I'm going without a net. I just feel like I need to get it right the first time. This is why I was a straight-A student in high school...and it's also why I spent much of my time in high school throwing textbooks around the room and feeling overly stressed over grades. And it's probably one of the major factors that caused me to decide not to go to college. It's just too stressful for me to do things that others will scrutinize.

At any rate. I have the sniffles, and I'm tired, and I'm cranky, and I just got done insisting...INSISTING that cole watch PBS because, as I told him "I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm cranky, and it's not your fault, but I need some space."

So, I've been thinking all day about how lately I feel like I've been talking a lot on the blog and with others about how BAD of a parent I have been. I think it's time to give myself a break and list five things I do well as a parent. Here we go:

The kids get a hot, healthy lunch almost every day
I'm very patient with Monk when he loses his temper over academic frustration
I tell them I love them and give them hugs several thousand times a day
I apologize when I am grouchy or otherwise unfair to them.
I give them space when they need it, and i try to teach them coping skills (like laying on the bed with the window open and looking at the tree. That's the number one temper tantrum reliever around here these days.)

phew.

OK, I'm going to go lay down for a bit before I have to get ready for work.

Posted at 3:44 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Abbie the cat has a quiz!

April 22, 2004

Abbie The Cat Has A Friend Test.

While you are at Abbie's site, read up on his daring adventure in the great outdoors.

If the person who is behind Abbie's site ever reads this blog, you really MUST e-mail me. I want to know everything about you. Everything. hahahaha.

Posted at 10:23 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

The queen has spoken.

April 22, 2004

I'm sure you are all tired of hearing about how great J is. I'm not tired of talking about it, mind you, but I will spare you all the mushy details.

I will, however, never spare you all the details of my adorable children.

Monk has taken to using the word "monarch" as a verb. As in "Mom, you are monarching me again!" It's been very tempting to threaten him with "I'm going to go all monarch on your ass if you don't straighten up," so I think he's got something there.

He's very into systems of government - or rule - and he thinks he knows the differences, but he really does not. Still, he is learning. And he's taking surveys, too. The other day, one of my mama friends reported that he was polling one of his nine-year-old friends. He surveyed the apartment, and turned to "I" and said "Say, is this a monarchy or a republic?" "I" had no fucking idea what Monk was talking about, so "I"'s mom chimed in with "It's a dictatorship - now go play."

I do like it, though, that Monk considers our house a monarchy. Even though he says it with a scowl on his face. In spite of all of my diatribes about egalitarianism, I kind of dig the idea that, somewhere at least, I am the queen.

Posted at 9:51 AM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

Found this yesterday...

April 22, 2004

Fighting Fat Stigma

Posted at 3:07 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Colors

April 21, 2004

(a laying-in-bed-with-the-window-open-and-a-cool-breeze-blowing conversation)

cole: Four is my favorite color!
mama: Four is your favorite color?
cole: *grin* heh heh.
monk: Cole, your favorite color is YELLOW.
cole: No! My favorite color is PURPLE.
mama: Monk's favorite color is blue.
monk: SKY blue is my favorite color!
cole: My favorite color is DARK blue, because DARK blue can destruct sky blue!

Posted at 12:49 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Is it Wednesday already?

April 21, 2004

And not only that...but it is REALLY already the 21st of April?

It's one of THOSE kinds of weeks, where it feels like I don't quite have my footing yet after the weekend, but I'm being hurled, full-force, into another one. Today, Monk and I will be doing some experiments with boiling water and temperature. Then I might do some painting with Cole this afternoon. Tonight I'm supposed to go to this awards ceremony thing for work, but I'd really rather not go.

There are some things going on here that I'm not sure about. Signs that I'm somewhat familiar with, but am uneasy about. I can't really explain exactly what I'm talking about, but I've alerted the necessary support people and I'm hoping I'm covered. It smeers the green day with grey. The clouds threaten rain, but the sun breaks through them and the birds are still singing.

If I could be any more cryptic than that, I just don't know. Those of you who understand will understand.

Anyway, I'm going to enjoy some time with the kids and hope it rains soon, because in the meantime the humidity is freaking unbearable.

Posted at 9:56 AM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

whoah.

April 20, 2004

Democracy Now! | Did Bush Cut Secret Oil Deal With Saudis Ahead of 2004 Election?

The White House and a top Saudi official are denying allegations that before the invasion of Iraq, the Bush administration made a secret deal with Saudi ambassador Prince Bandar bin Sultan involving oil price fixing ahead of the November presidential elections.

Posted at 12:28 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

The Appointment.

April 20, 2004

So, I had my appointment yesterday. With a lawyer. I was SOOOOO nervous driving up, kinda like the first time I saw a therapist, you know? Not knowing what to expect. I had to call my mom to get a pep talk.

I was referred to this lawyer by a co-worker who is having similar problems to mine. The most important thing about him was that he seemed to have a "pay as you go" policy, which is really what I need. I really want to do the filing and the filling out of paperwork on my own - not just to save money, but also because I have this sense that being involved in the work will make me feel more empowered and will be healing in a sense.

My frustration and difficulty with lawyers has been that I have, on numerous occasions, talked to lawyers here in Austin and have been brushed off or shunned because I don't have the ability to shell out 2 grand for a retainer. They won't see me. I remember the first time I called a law office, trembling, hormonal because I was still pregnant with Cole, at the end of my rope (for the millionth time - and a million more times occurred after that) fairly desperate to get out of the relationship. The secretary answered, flatly, that I wouldn't be able to talk to the lawyer without first offering up my retainer. I said I didn't have that much, and she told me that I should call back when I did. I screamed something into the phone about not being able to afford a divorce, hung up, and cried my eyes out.

This happened with all of the social outreach programs, abuse hotlines, and everyone else I called in an attempt to get help solving the problem. Usually the response was polite, but it was always "I wish I could help you." And frequently it was "Wow, you are fucked" (phrased a bit more gently, but that was the gist.)

When I first went to legal aid in Austin, I felt like it was a losing proposition, but I did it anyway. I was scared shitless, waiting in line, feeling like an idiot while the cafeteria of the middle school filled up with people who couldn't afford legal help to solve their problems. I remember J showed up to give me moral support and that's when I knew he was a keeper. It was such a silent, supportive gesture. I was stunned by it. And then when I got to talk to a legal aid rep, I was told that my solution was as simple as going to the law library and getting a packet for do-it-yourself divorce.

I did this, but the paperwork was so confusing...so I went to the library and found a book about how to fill out the forms. And then...well, all of this stuff piled up and the divorce kept getting pushed back and pushed back. I would much rather be doing and thinking about fun stuff than taking care of The Divorce. It was easy to push it aside. It's depressing to think about it, and I still felt pretty small and helpless about filing withouth legal counsel. L was throwing things in my face that sounded like threats and gave me pause even though I know he's not a credible person.

I can't deny that I've been damaged by my relationship with L. There are lots of ways that damage manifests. I procrastinate more than I used to. I feel stupid when I step outside of the safe little world I've created. I feel small and insignificant a lot of the time. I have difficulty raising issues and speaking up when I feel I'm being treated unfairly. I was so scared I would do something wrong in filling out the paperwork and would have to start all over again. I was also worried about the money.

Then all of the stuff happened with things going missing and several confrontations between myself and L about J, and between J and L occurred, and I just didn't feel that I could put it off any longer. I was on the phone with my mom talking about all of this, and she just said "Look, I'm sending you the money and you need to take care of this." So I called the lawyer and set up an appointment for Monday.

The doors of the law offices were so big, and I felt even smaller. But lawyer guy was friendly seeming and we sat at this gigantic table and talked about the case. He wrote a few notes and gave me one piece of advice: "Ignore him." He told me that when L is talking to me, I should try to conjure up the theme song from Rocky in my brain, which is pretty funny. He also said that I "have been through enough" and that he can work with me on a consultation basis at half of his usual consulting fee. That if I do the paperwork, he will look it over, and I can file it. That he's available for me to call if I need to. Then he told me exactly what paperwork I needed to fill out, waiting patiently while I wrote my notes.

He also sympathized about how difficult it is to find a lawyer in Austin on a shoestring...which was important for me to hear. Everyone I have spoken to about this divorce has acted like it's No Big Deal. Everyone seems to think anyone in the world can just pick up a phone and lawyers will beg you for your business. It's not the case. It just isn't. I'm sorry, but even if I DID have 2000 extra dollars lying around, I can think of about a million things I'd rather spend it on off the top of my head. Most of them are necessities that I can't currently afford. I'm really amazed by how difficult it has been to find a lawyer who understands this, but evidently I have finally found one, and he is going to be someone I refer people to forever and ever for that simple fact. You don't even know the amount of relief I feel. I am still going it on my own, but I do have help, and it's not going to cost me an arm and a leg.

So, I'm on my way. I need to fill out the forms...I need to go to the law library and get some more forms to fill out. I'm hoping to submit the forms by next Monday, and it begins.

*deep breath*

Wish me luck.

Posted at 10:51 AM • Comments (15) • TrackBack

Pea has a question for you...

April 20, 2004

colourfool: April 2004 Archives

Can you separate the personal lives of artists from their work? How would you react if an artist you love and admire suddenly revealled some awful truth about their life?

Posted at 8:50 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Spring Mix

April 19, 2004

The Clash - Straight to Hell
Cranberries - The Icicle Melts
Glorious Din - Circle Star
Camper Van Beethoven - Sweethearts
Nick Cave - Lime-Tree Arbor
Johnny Cash - Green, Green Grass of Home
the Clash - Should I Stay or Should I Go
The Clash - Cheat
Johnny Cash - Jackson
Spearhead - Keep me Lifted
PJ Harvey - The Sky Lit Up
Camper Van Beethoven - One of These Days (live)
Blondie - Rapture
Nick Cave - Rock of Gibralter
Bjork - Isobel
Spearhead - Soulshine
Bjork - Aurora
a Tribe Called Quest - Like it Like That
Spearhead - Stay Human (all the freaky people)
Camper Van Beethoven - Life is Grand

Sound good? e-mail me your address, and I should be able to get you a copy by the end of spring.

Those of you who did not get a winter mix...it was most likely because I never got your address. Even if you have sent me your address in the past, send it again. If anyone feels like they want to donate to the blank CD and/or postage fund, you can click on my paypal link.

Posted at 10:52 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Life is Grand.

April 19, 2004

I need to preface this post by saying, emphatically and greedily, YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM. HE'S MINE. because, you are totally going to be jealous after you read what a great weekend I had with J. Hahaha.

Remember on Friday, when i was all broody and pissy and PMSing and whatnot? I probably wasn't nearly as bad on the blog as I was in person. Miraculously, I was really patient with the kiddos in spite of it, but I was feeling so tense and...upset. And I really did spend much of the day crying into my pillow.

J weathered this well. I mean, he's so even-tempered and patient. And it's not like I was being rude to him or anything, but I was feeling so wishy-washy and out of sorts. It was my night off, so when L got here, I decided to take myself out on a date. I took myself out for dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, then i went out for coffee, and I was going to take myself to a movie, too, but I had an idea that I might try to get myself the Camper Van Beethoven CD that I've been jonesing to listen to for the past few weeks.

I always jones for Key Lime Pie at the start of spring. I first heard it one spring day in Chicago. I think my roommates and I had some gift certificates to Reckless Records, and we got Key Lime Pie, Surfer Rosa, Gotta Let this Hen Out...and some other record I don't remember. But Key Lime Pie was my favorite. I listened to it religiously for some time. It just has all of the elements of a perfect album, great lyrics, strings, and thematic unity. I'm a shuffle kinda gal myself, but Key Lime Pie is one of those records you have to listen to from beginning to end. In order. The way it was intended.

Soanyway, thus you have the humble beginnings of my obsession with Key Lime Pie. From that spring day forward, I have had to dig out my tape (that I immediately preserved the LP by making) every spring and listen to it for weeks on end at the first sign of budding green and breasting red.

But this year I had to do it. I had to make the changeover to CD. And I couldn't find the CD anywhere. I realize this might sound hyperbolic, but I think I was suffering from withdrawal from not having heard the strains of "Jack Ruby" coming from my stereo at the start of spring. So I've spent the last two weeks searching for the CD, and Friday I decided it was time to actually go somewhere that might possibly have it.

I went to Waterloo. Marched over to the "C" section in rock music, and SCORE, not only did they have Key Lime Pie...they also had Our Beloved Revolutionary Sweetheart...and they were BOTH on sale.

I immediately called J, to whom I had earlier suggested that it might be best if we just didn't see each other this weekend at all (not due to anything of his doing, which I made clear, but due to the fact that I felt like I was going to be horrible company) and left him a message that said something to the effect of "I just made a purchase which, if shared, will enhance my mood immensely. Call me."

By this time, it was almost 8 PM, and my night was halfway over. I realized that it was possible that J might have made plans and gone out, so I picked up the next DVD in the soprano's second season from the video store and went to my favorite coffee haunt, set myself up with some carrot cake in the back corner, and watched some gangster TV.

Of course, I had my headphones on, so I missed J's call, but when I was done, I called him up. I had a little time, so I went up there to listen to music in the dark for a little while. It was nice. Mood enhanced.

Then on Saturday, we had a great event at work that went better than I had expected. I got a lot of work done. It was a great day, and I went right from work to J's house, where we got our stuff together and went for a nice walk through a wooded area near his house. Then we walked home and hung out for a bit & then we got some yummy food and rented The Sims Bustin' OUt, which we went home to play and had just the best time. I laughed so much on Saturday. J is so hilarious. He's just great. I mean, truly...he's such fantastic company. All traces of my morose mood were pretty much eliminated by the middle of the evening.

Then on Sunday, J came over and hung out with the kids while I cleaned out the car. The plan was for me to clean out the car, and then he was going to borrow it to empty out his storage space and then he was going to vacuum it. Not only did he do that, but he cleaned the outside and filled it up with gas...and then came back here so I could make him dinner.

While he was gone, I made my spring mix...and after dinner and the kids went to bed, we sat and listened to it. It's a great mix. Lots of Camper Van B., The Clash, Spearhead...some other stuff. Bjork. "The Sky Lit Up." It's a good mix.

I know it sounds totally mundane and boring, but it was so fun. It's always fun to be with him. He's just so...easygoing. He listens, he talks, we laugh a lot. We've been dating for about 3 months now? More or less...and the thing is that we just always have a good time together.

So, yeah, that's how I pulled my ass from my head this weekend. Now, it's Monday. I feel totally refreshed and ready for the week. All of the busy stuff at work has passed and I can concentrate on getting some other stuff done. Like the expanded blogging class curriculum, and more networking and marketing for our program. I'm looking forward to going to work.

I'm also looking forward to my appointment this afternoon. So far, the day seems to have flown by. I'm nervous and excited and worried and filled with hopeful anticipation...

I hope you had a good weekend, and I hope your monday is going well.

Camper Van Beethoven
Life Is Grand

And life is grand
And I will say this at the risk of falling from favor
With those of you who have appointed yourselves
To expect us to say something darker

And love is real
And though I realize this is not a deep observation
To those of you who find it necessary
To conceal love or obscure it, as is the fashion

Posted at 10:26 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Silly veterans...

April 18, 2004

Don't they realize that it's the anti-war protestors who are responsible for the low morale of the soldiers in Iraq:

U.S. casualties in the Iraq War are at the highest rate since the Vietnam War. Troop morale has fallen sharply: 72 percent reported recent morale problems. With the long, hot Iraqi summer here, and with tens of thousands of U.S. soldiers forced to stay beyond their enlistments, more morale problems loom on the horizon. As General Powell told President Bush before Bush chose to attack Iraq: "You break it, you own it." The "fever" and "steamroller" led by Vice President Cheney was so hot for war, they ignored the facts and lied. This administration got their war: 10,000 Iraqi deaths, untold thousands more Iraqis injured, nearly 700 U.S. killed, and more than 18,000 medically evacuated. The financial cost is more t han $150 billion, with expectations of $200 billion by the end of the year.

Posted at 7:06 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

French Lessons

April 18, 2004

French lessons: What America can learn about dealing with terrorism

Posted at 5:42 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Roadmap to something other than peace.

April 18, 2004

Just a few links here...you can draw whatever conclusions you wish.

Robert Fisk: Bush Legitimizes Terrorism

Is Saddam Hussein to be re-bottled and put back in charge of Iraq on the basis that his 1990 invasion of Kuwait was "realistic"? Or that his invasion of Iran--when we helped him try to destroy Ayatollah Khomeini's revolution--was "realistic" because he initially attacked only the Arabic-speaking (and thus "Iraqi") parts of Iran? Or, since President Bush now seems to be a history buff, are the Germans to be given back Danzig or the Sudetenland? Or Austria? Or should we perhaps recreate the colonial possessions of the past 100 years? Is it not "realistic" that the French should retake Algeria - or part of Algeria - on the basis that the people all speak French, on the basis that this was once part of the French nation? Or should the British retake Cyprus? Or Aden? Or Egypt? Shouldn't the French be allowed to take back Lebanon and Syria? Why shouldn't the British re-take America and boot out those pesky "terrorists" who oppose the rule of King George's democracy well over 200 years ago?
Because this is what George Bush's lunacy and weakness can lead to. We all have lands that "God" gave us. Didn't Queen Mary die with "Calais" engraved on her heart? Doesn't Spain have a legitimate right to the Netherlands? Or Sweden the right to Norway and Denmark? Every ccolonial power, including Israel can put forward these preposterous demands.

The Sharon-Bush Axis of Occupation

Sharon will give Bush's declining popularity a boost when he helps the US President reframe our current war against the people of Iraq as a struggle against terrorism. For thirty-seven years Israeli governments have used that approach to justify their own occupation of the West Bank and Gaza--and it has worked politically to convince many Israelis to ignore the evidence that it is the occupation that causes the terror and not vice versa.

Guardian Unlimited | Special reports | Israeli missile attack kills new Hamas chief

Rantisi's car was hit by missiles in the road outside his home, leaving the vehicle burned out. After the explosion, Israeli helicopters were heard in the area.
He was taken to the hospital critically ill, his body covered in wounds and blood streaming from his head and neck. He was rushed into emergency surgery, but died five minutes after arriving at the hospital.

The attack occurred hours after an Israeli border policeman was killed by a Palestinian suicide bomber at the Erez crossing on the Israeli-Gaza border.

The killing comes at the end of a week of dramatic developments in the Middle East with Israeli leader Ariel Sharon returning from Washington with the unexpectedly wholehearted backing from an electioneering President George W. Bush for his plans to rewrite the road map with even fewer concessions for the Palestinians than before.

Posted at 4:58 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Polls and focus groups.

April 18, 2004

The New York Times > Washington > Political Memo: Bush Takes Strategic No-Remorse Stance

Mr. Bush's advisers said that the president had anticipated the line of inquiry at the news conference.
One adviser said the White House had examined polling and focus group studies in determining that it would be a mistake for Mr. Bush to appear to yield.

Wait...I thought he didn't pay attention to polls and focus groups...

Posted at 4:51 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Not Much I can add to this.

April 18, 2004

Guardian Unlimited | Special reports | 'Getting aid past US snipers is impossible'

An elderly woman with a wound to the head was still carrying the white flag she had been holding when she was shot. They were all saying it was American snipers shooting - and we know that the US is using armed marines on rooftops to hold the parts of city they are controlling. The times I have been shot at - once in an ambulance and once on foot trying to deliver medical supplies - it was US snipers in both cases. It is so unacceptable to stop medical aid getting through. They could have just asked to search us.
We saw mainly bullet wounds for the majority of civilians. Families are getting injured when they try to leave the house, trying to escape for Baghdad. A bullet goes astray or it gets them in their house. Then a lot of people are injured from shelling. They get hit by shrapnel that gets into the house.

Posted at 2:32 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

The Purse Incident

April 18, 2004

George posted his take on Blog justice and its discontents as relates to this incident which occured at an "elite" SXSW party.

Not that my opinion matters at this point, but you know...I read the purse thread awhile back, before there were a lot of comments, and I have to admit that I was very uncomfortable with the assumptions that were being made. But I didn't feel like I had enough information to question the assumptions.

I just know that I have had a kneejerk reaction to accuse someone of theft who didn't deserve the accusation, even though all signs seemed to point in that direction. I know that racism is very deeply ingrained in almost everyone, and I know that it's very easy to jump to conclusions and it's probably not a good idea to advertise those conclusions unless you are absolutely sure.

Whether this knowledge applies to this situation is beyond my ken. But some of the comments in that thread, at least, gave me the impression that there were others who would have made accusations based on insufficient evidence. And, while the accusations of racism *might* have been misplaced when it came to Danah, there was unexamined racism all over the thread.

While I do hope that Danah recovers her stolent property, I can't believe that she didn't consider AT ALL the implication of posting pictures of a group of black men at a party who she was accusing of theft. And I can't imagine the posting of such images juxtaposed with the accusation would net her any sort of justice.

And, here's the thing, whether it was racist of Danah or not to post the images...it's the result of the divided nature of the web community that causes these men to "stick out like sore thumbs" at a web event. So many people in the comments were talking about how if it was white men who had done the thievery, they would have been just as determined to bring them to justice seemingly without thinking about all of the prejudice that brought these men in the photos to be accused of the crime in the first place.

If they were white men, would someone have stopped to chat with them at the entrance? Would people have been paying "extra" attention to them? Would someone have remembered walking in on one of them allegedly shuffling through the purse?

These are rhetorical questions, because there is no way of knowing. But pretending like the thread was race-neutral is ignoring the fact that racism exists in our justice system (vigilante or otherwise) and, even though (if Danah's certainty is to be believed) racism might actually help to solve this crime, it can just as easily lead down the other path, allowing innocent people to be blamed or harassed because they happen to be the "wrong" color.

Posted at 10:29 AM • Comments (11) • TrackBack

One thing...

April 17, 2004

I have an unhealthy obsession with The Sopranos.

Posted at 9:15 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

oK, I give up...

April 16, 2004

Lady Crumpet' is the proverbial straw, and this meme is the proverbial camel's back. I think. At any rate, I'm finally going to do the book meme that everyone is doing. Because I'm waiting for part two of my self-inflicted date to be underway.

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.

Agile as a weasel, Monsieur le Ministre was on top of me: "It is impossible to love Frenchmen and not to hate Germans." (ee cummings - The Enormous Room)

Posted at 6:39 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

3 wishes

April 16, 2004

1. I wish I could spend more than 4 uninterrupted hours, in my own fucking home, alone.

2. I wish I had more time to wander aimlessly around the neighborhood of my own free will, alone.

3. I wish I didn't currently feel like just totally running away from everyone and hiding under a rock...even though I know that if wish #1 could miraculously be granted tonight, I would feel much, much better.

Unfortunately, instead I am forced to wander aimlessly about the city while an individual who is, at best, totally hostile to me gets to hang out in my house.

It's utter bullshit. I'm so so so so so fucking sick and tired of this.

Posted at 4:39 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

UPDATE FOR FULLBLEED DOT NET BLOGS

April 16, 2004

J has kindly done a complete backup of the fullbleed blogs as of about half an hour ago. I'm not sure what's going on with the domain or the hosting, so just be aware that if you post anything between now and when I find out, you might lose it if you don't back it up.

I will figure stuff out and let everyone know what's up ASAP. Rest assured that your stuff is backed up right now, thanks to J, and advice from Adam and DJ from randomwalks.

Posted at 4:10 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

The trouble with PMS

April 16, 2004

The trouble with PMS is that it's so fucking difficult to figure out if I'm basically crazy the rest of the month and this is my sane period...or if I'm crazy right now, and the rest of the month I'm sane.

I'm going to go back to bed and hide under the covers some more. Wake me when it's over, lest I do any damage.

Posted at 2:30 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Friday News Blogging, Part 2

April 16, 2004

Hesiod reports on yet another TRAITOR who is offering aid and comfort to the enemy:

"In the end, the Iraqis themselves have to want to rebuild their country more than we do," Zinni said. "But I don't see that right now. I see us doing everything.
"I spent two years in Vietnam, and I've seen this movie before," he said. "They have to be willing to do more or else it is never going to work."

***********************

more to come?

Posted at 11:55 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Friday Newsblogging

April 16, 2004

It's a little late in the week for this, but if you haven't already read the transcripts of the "press conference" and you'd really rather go camping than read them now...critical viewer provides A Busy Person's Guide to the Bush Press Conference:

Since most people don't like to watch an hour of Bush on television (and for some reason I don't mind even though it drives me nuts), I decided to boil down the questions and answers from tonight's press conference in the East Room of the White House to their bare essentials. The questioners (Q:) are not identified. All answers (A:) are (paraphrases) from George W. Bush.

*****************

Don't want reporters to ask follow-up questions? Just become a huge stickler for ONE QUESTION ONLY:

Q I have a question for each of you. General Pace, would you please explain to us what's going on in Najaf and Fallujah in as much detail as you can, and pay particular attention to the negotiations that are ongoing? I'm confused as to what is actually being negotiated. What is it the United States wants to happen there, and what are willing to give up? Is "negotiation" the right word? You say we don't negotiate with terrorists. And, Mr. Secretary, could you please address the question of -- with regard to Sadr, who decided to close the newspaper and announce that there was a warrant out for his arrest before the military actually had a chance to act on that? It seems to me that's sort of broadcasting your intentions beforehand and maybe contributed to some of the troubles that are there now. And if you'd speak in general to the policy of closing newspapers in Iraq. While I understand the rationale for it, it seems to me it's maybe not the best precedent to set for when the new Iraqi government comes in -- SEC. RUMSFELD: Wait a second. You're into your third or fourth question. Q But I think that it's really important --
SEC. RUMSFELD: Yeah, but -- but it's --

Q I mean, it would be lovely if we could boil everything down about Iraq to five or six words, but we just can't.

[...]

Q General Pace, to what extent did the Joint Staff conclude that keeping an additional 20,000 troops in Iraq will stretch an already overtaxed force? The Joint Staff was looking at the implications over the next six months, over the next 12 months. What conclusions did you come to in terms of overtaxing the force?
GEN. PACE: You're asking the right guy. I'm responsible to the Secretary and the Chairman to do that math and to look out one year, two years, three years and make those determinations. And we worked this very, very specifically and very hard over the last couple of days to ensure that as we provided to General Abizaid the forces he needed, that we will be able to continue to provide a like-level force for as long as needed into the future. And what we have concluded is that this allocation of forces is sustainable for as long as we need to.

Q And there's no impact on our commitments in Korea or other parts of the world, and the war on terrorism?

GEN. PACE: We have the capacity, with 2.4 million individuals available to us, active, Guard and Reserve, to handle this ongoing war and anything that I can think of that's on the horizon.

Q And budgetary impact --

SEC. RUMSFELD: Jamie?

Let's -- that's a third.

I'm just kind of furious that none of the other reporters attempted to pick up where the previous reporter left off. That's fucking bullshit. The press is supposed to work for the people, not for their own warped sense of glory.

[link via brenda stardom]

******************

Rahul Mahajan reports on the situation in Fallujah:

AMY GOODMAN: What do you think of the comparisons of Al Sadr to Saddam Hussein?

RAHUL MAHAJAN: Al Sadr is an extremist. His -- there are many people -- obviously, he's going to make sure that women who don't wear their head scarves are abused in public and so on. It's not going to be very pretty. I don't know if it can be as abusive and repressive as Saddam Hussein. I don't know if he can be as repressive as the U.S. occupation, but he's not a good alternative. He's just the alternative that was inevitable to arrive in a country where the United States went in and just deliberately created this impossible situation, taking away a government and putting in nothing with even a shred of legitimacy in its place.

****************

More to come...

Posted at 8:50 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Surreally (dot net) is dead.

April 16, 2004

It looks like surreally dot net was lost yesterday. I'm not sure if it's the hosting or the name that got lost, so I'm hoping once liz gets to a computer again to check her e-mail she can give me instructions on how to go back and rescue the data that was once there.

I'm not sure if fullbleed dot net is in danger of lapsing, as well, so anyone who has a blog on fullbleed should run a backup (export entries) as soon as possible. To do this, click on Import/Export in your Movable type editing menu, scroll down to "export entries," and follow the directions. If you are attached to your template, back that up, as well.

Please leave a comment here if you are able to complete a backup on your own. I will be at a coffee shop tonight trying to back up all of those who do not indicate to me that they have been able to back up on their own. I'll backup data first, then templates...but I don't have a lot of time, so I would love it if all of you could attempt to do it on your own first.

Thanks, and apologies. I have asked liz (in my e-mail) if we need to maybe do a little fund raising to keep the sites up and running. I will keep you posted on what she has to say.

Posted at 7:46 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

stuffed artichokes

April 15, 2004

I just posted my recipe for stuffed artichokes over at full bellies. Enjoy!

Posted at 2:20 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

I really should be doing something else

April 15, 2004

but, since it's going to be one of those non-stop busy days today, I thought I would do an obligatory update just for the heck of it...and maybe in writing this I will come up with something to say. The thing is that Coley is playing SimCity right now (actually, he's busily burning down and starting riots in a premade city while he tears down buildings and builds railroad tracks in their place. The little vandal!) so I feel like I should take advantage of this time, and updating my blog is a valid way to do that, I figure - although doing the dishes might be more valid. I guess it's all a matter of perspective.

I just sent out an e-mail to my sweetie defining my motives. We had a little encounter with my ex last night in which he (the ex) felt it was necessary to insist that his presence in the house was inappropriate. Again, the ex insisted that sooner or later J would wise up to "what she's really like" and he'd be so out of there and the kids would be screwed. I think the ex threw in some choice words about how he's worred that I am "playing" J.

The whole thing was a farce, but it got me to really examine my "motives" whatever those might be. And, admittedly, there are some things I have imagined might be a positive result of being in a committed relationship with someone who doesn't have the mindset of a pouty teenager. Things I have allowed myself to fantasize about, but haven't really considered to be reality because it's not in my realm of experience. But last week, I was talking to another single mama friend of mine, and we were talking about how really very convenient it is to have another adult in the house. There's an economy of time that seems to be more adequately achieved when you can coordinate between two schedules, rather than just one. And there's also a fiscal economy that makes things more realistic when there is more than one parent supporting the household. This, of course, is in addition to the other perks of having a true, contributing, loving partner. I mean, I'm pretty pragmatic, but I'm also fairly romantic. The problem is that I have always allowed one to overrun the other - or ignored one in lieu of the other.

But I haven't said these things out loud to J, because, really, our relationship is pretty new. And even though I trust him and care very deeply for him, I don't see any reason to shackle our relationship to some sort of expected future. And, I mean, much of this stuff is pragmatic more than romantic. And, frankly, I'm enjoying the romance in our relationship and would really like to have a lot more of that before we start to wheel and deal about the practical stuff, you know?

But the thought that I was keeping some sort of "motive" secret from J was kind of weighing heavy on me. And, although I would say my desires are certainly not motives, I sent him an e-mail laying out what my hopes are for any serious, committed relationship I have in the future.

Which is odd, for me. I mean, in many respects, I feel like I don't ever want to have another serious, committed relationship. But in many other respects, damn it's difficult to be everything for everybody and to not get worn down to a nub in the process. So, whatever. I know J is intelligent and insightful enough to not be frightened off by these sorts of things. And I know he appreciates discourse. And he has always been responsive to conversations. And letting him know what I desire in a long-term relationship has really lifted a load off of my shoulders, because I'm actually pretty high-maintenance, circumstantially speaking. Which is to say that I've already got a full load, and anyone who chooses to become a part of my life will have to take on some of my load - or maybe shift things around, to share the load, you know? But definitely end up with more of a load than they were carrying when they arrived, if that makes sense. So I think it's important that I'm absolutely sure this is clear and that the person who is embarking on this kind of journey with me has access to full disclosure about my intentions, my desires, my dreams...as well as me having the same access to his.

Granted, the load is a lot more appealing than the word "load" might imply. But, still, there are benefits and drawbacks that cannot be avoided. Negotiated, definitely...but avoided? Nah.

So, anyway, yeah. I no longer feel guilty telling everyone what a fucking asshole my ex is, considering he told J (who, by the way, he knows practically nothing about - nor does he really know the status of our relationship) basically, that I was playing him IN FRONT OF ME AND MY CHILD. And I am even more anxiously awaiting my appointment on Monday. I'm repeating the mantra "I will not be vindictive." But, damnit, this man needs to be stopped, and evidently it's going to take more than my polite requests to stop him.

There. I guess I did manage to squeeze out a post. Woo hoo! Yay me!

Posted at 10:59 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

"The Violent Few" Part 2

April 14, 2004

It's news day here, and this Mother Jones article about The Shia Insurrection certainly puts the pieces together for me...

The insurrection in Shia areas of Iraq was not a sudden explosion, nor was it primarily inspired by the events in Falluja. It was, instead, the result of a long series of actions and reactions between the Coalition's armed forces and increasingly organized and anti-American Shia militias. The most important single event was the immensely important, but barely reported, announcement by Coalition Provisional Authority head L. Paul Bremer, that the United States had "found a legal basis for American troops to continue their military control over the security situation in Iraq" even if the Iraqis ask the U.S. to leave after June 30. (John Burns and Thom Shanker, "The Struggle for Iraq," the New York Times, March 26)
The whole story began last year when the U.S. responded to continuing casualties after "major combat operations" were completed by revamping its plan for pacifying the country. At that time, as Seymour Hersh discussed in detail in the New Yorker, the Bush administration adopted an extremely aggressive policy toward attacks by insurgents, utilizing strategies developed by the U.S. in Vietnam and the Israelis in the Occupied Territories. At the same time, to reduce casualties and permit the massing of troops for these punitive operations, the Coalition withdrew its troops from the centers of peaceful cities and towns, and allowed them to more-or-less govern themselves with a small, but growing, contingent of the newly trained Iraqi police force.

But, of course, our president flatly denies ANY similarities between what's going on in Iraq and what happened in Viet Nam. I believe he said "WRONG" quite emphatically last night.

The article then goes on to discuss what the Shias armed militias were doing while the U.S. was off putting out fires elsewhere in Iraq. They set aside their arms, and began to put things back together, until...

March 25, when Bremer announced that the U.S. was definitely going to keep a huge force of occupying troops in Iraq, regardless of whether the new government requested their departure. This announcement was so blunt and to the point that it also detailed all the mechanisms the Bush administration would use to insure that the new Iraqi government enacted and accepted the entire package of policies dictated by the United States.

The key elements of this package are listed, and they don't look good from the standpoint of Iraqis who are desiring sovereignty and suspicious of our presence in the first place.

In summary, the Bremer pronouncement made it clear that the Bush administration expected to retain a large military force in Iraq, with or without the consent of the new Iraqi government, and intended to retain control of the newly formed Iraqi army as well. It would then use this monopoly over the forces of "law and order," as well as the direct control it would retain over crucial public services, to dominate policy in the fledgling Iraq government, regardless of how it is selected and what stance it seeks to adopt toward the United States.
Even the New York Times, which treated this as a secondary off-the-front-page story, felt compelled to remark on the significance of this document in its hallmark understated style: "A European diplomat said that continued American military control 'sends the wrong signal' and 'gives an impression of continuing foreign occupation' in Iraq."

The reaction to this proclamation was, indeed, not good. The article discusses then the pre-emptive manouver of shutting down Al-Sadr's newspaper so the events following would not have a journalistic distribution point. The, basically, all hell broke loose.

The fact that the militias accomplished the capture of all or part of as many as five cities (mostly with populations of less than 200,000, but cities nevertheless) with almost no casualties is testimony to four underlying facts about the current situation in Iraq: that the Coalition forces had very little presence or legitimacy within the cities -- despite a year of unhindered opportunity; that the newly formed police have neither the interest, nor the ability to resist the militias -- and that they therefore have little hope of becoming an adequate force for law and order; that the people of these cities (tacitly or overtly) supported the uprisings-however uncomfortable they may be with the Islamist ideas and policies of Sadr himself; and that the militants are very well organized indeed -- and will remain so even after this episode is over.
The current situation is the result of an entire year of political process. When the U.S. first invaded, the Shia were ambivalent: They welcomed the overthrow of Hussein, but feared that the first Bush administration's betrayal of their cause in the early 1990s would somehow be repeated. This ambivalence has migrated steadily to antagonism because their fears of betrayal have been validated. As the year went on, as economic and social dislocation remained unresolved or even worsened, the Shia came to see the occupation as an oppressive force implanting itself deep in Iraqi soil and an obstacle to the reconstruction of their cities and their lives. In the meantime, the factional dispute within the Shia community between those who advocated immediate direct action and those who hoped for a legitimate transfer of sovereignty, simmered. The Bremer resolution crystallized the situation: the militants felt they had to react and the Coalition felt it had to smash them before they could do so. The Coalition moved first, but the militants were ready and their reaction has definitively trumped the Coalition in the initial stages of this confrontation.

Basically...things aren't looking so good. But will you find this kind of reporting in the mainstream press? Doubtful. Why would we need it when our government is being so forthright and honest in its assessment of the situation?

Posted at 11:22 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Missing

April 14, 2004

There are some things that have come up missing in this house, and it grates my nerves, which are already hewn to a sheen. First, Monk's batting helmet and baseballs, which, coincidentally (HA fucking HA HA) the suspected culprit raised a HUGE stink about because they happened to have been purchased by a close personal friend of mine who the suspected culprit disapproves of (my suspicion is that the suspected culprit feels threatened in his inadequacy by the hyper-adequacy of the disapproved-of party.) I guess I can't prove who is responsible for their disappearance, but it seems odd that they disappeared within a week after several heated discussions about the appropriateness of said individual purchasing said items.

And then, this morning, I went to pull the clothes off the line and discovered that my favorite all cotton summery blanket is gone. Yanked from the line while all of the other items were still waving in the breeze. Granted, this could also be a coincidence. But the weather has been chilly these days, and I can see where someone who feels like buying basic household items is "frittering" away money might feel that stealing a blanket is justified, even though if that same someone had merely ASKED for a blanket, I would have provided one that wasn't quite so HUGE (it's a king sized blanket, one of two that fits over the entire fam when we play our space exploration game). This might sound petty, but I have about 5 blankets in this house, and 2 or 3 sets of sheets, and a child who is potty training, and a dryer that doesn't work. You do the fucking math.

Of course, historically, when things have gone missing (like, for instance, large amounts of money from the children's banks) I have been told I'm hysterical for even thinking that this person could possibly even CONSIDER doing anything like that. This person has also been known to lie right into my fucking eyes about things that we BOTH KNOW are lies, and this person is not above denying any responsibility and then placing these items somewhere else so it looks like I "flew off the handle" for no reason, only to find the missing items elsewhere.

So, yeah. I'm a little tense these days. The urge to scream is strong. I've been a bitch to the children and I'm ready to proceed with the proceedings. Which is why I am utterly elated that I have been informed that "the check is in the mail" - the "check" being one that will hopefully provide the means to end this fucking disaster once and for all.

Damn, but it's dragged on forever and ever, hasn't it? I'm hoping that an end is in sight. I can't fucking wait.

Posted at 10:32 AM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

Preparing For Children At Protests

April 14, 2004

Infoshop News - How To Prepare For Children At Protests

I interviewed a group of street medics and activist parents, and all felt it was most responsible to do basic research about a protest (organizers, permits, police trends, etc.) before attending with a child. It is also important to note that different children have different comfort levels at political actions, just like adults do, and we need to respect that. But beyond basic preparations, parents should take time to explain the protest's meaning, and protest etiquette, so to speak, before arriving at an action. Explain why we block traffic with a march to oppose the war, why we are masked up, why people are yelling at protesters, and how there are different factions of protesters serving different necessary functions. It is also important to tell kids why YOU, in particular, feel a need to be there. A protest is an excellent opportunity to take your child to a library and study protest and political dissent before the fact, in preparation. Show kids political protest is older than America.

Posted at 9:38 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

"The violent few"

April 14, 2004

Um.

CBC News:Fighting in Fallujah, more hostages seized

The move followed angry protests by members of Washington's hand-picked Iraqi Governing Council.
U.S. marines fire mortar shells on the outskirts of Fallujah on Friday. (AP Photo)
One councillor suspended his membership and another is threatening to quit over the U.S. military's bloody assault on the town.

Did we handpick terrorists and militia to run the government in Iraq? Or could it be that someone is euphamising?

I blogged my reactions to last night's press conference here, in case you are interested. I'm not sure if any of it makes sense, but little does these days, so it might just fit in with the surreal context of our universe.

original link via madame fabulous.

Posted at 9:17 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

The L Word

April 14, 2004

If you haven't been readng Michelle's weekly L Word synopses, you are truly missing out. I don't have cable, and if I did, I don't know that I would be able to watch this show, but I somehow manage to sit through reading about them when Michelle is the one doing the explaining. Go visit On a path: L Word Archives...

Posted at 9:11 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

What do you call it?

April 14, 2004

Tish linked up this discussion at dooce.

I remember growing up, I called it my "front." My kids are encouraged to use proper terminology (penis and vulva) but Monk has fallen back on "private area."

What do you call it?

Posted at 8:49 AM • Comments (11) • TrackBack

"Ghetto"

April 13, 2004

Jason always has the best discussions on his blog, and I usually miss them because I don't know anything about the pop culture references that spark them. For instance, I never would have read Negro, Please: Back in Black: Hangin' in a Jorry...Good Times thoroughly enough had Jason not relinked it here.

And, for me, just reading it is enough. I've always had an aversion to the term "Ghetto" because, even if it's (arguably) not a racist term - it is at least a classist term. So the discussion is interesting for me, and caused me to think of the terms and expressions I use on a regular basis that can possibly be deemed offensive.

One of the major ones I've used recently and had a "Oh my fucking god I can't believe I said that out loud" was when I was "cracking the whip" on my class full of people of a variety of race and heritage. Yes. I actually made the "cracking the whip" sound, and I believe someone even referred to me as a "slavedriver."

What the fuck? I don't think my clients even noticed. At least, they didn't verbally respond in any way, but I had to stop afterwards and hold on to the side of a desk with the sudden realization that this is something I do relatively frequently, and have no doubt done it in front of a class before. And, wow, how ungodly insensitive if not downright fucked up is that?

So, I dunno. How hard is it to adjust your language to avoid using terms that are slightly inappropriate to patently offensive? Do you weight the potential for harm before every word you speak? Do you gauge reaction and proceed from there? Can you assume that if no one responds negatively to your language, it means that your language is not offensive? Is it right to hold those to whom you are speaking responsible for keeping your speech "in check?"

Posted at 10:46 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Why George is Cooler Than You...

April 13, 2004

Eternal sunshine of the blogger's mind...for one.

Posted at 9:19 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Welcome to the newest blog on fullbleed.net

April 13, 2004

Pea has always been one of my very most favorites, which is why I'm so glad to have colourfool on fullbleed.net. She has style. You'll love her. Go visit...bring her a pie.

Posted at 9:10 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

April 9th in Iraq

April 13, 2004

Baghdad Burning

Today, the day the Iraqi Puppets hail "National Day", will mark the day of the "Falloojeh Massacre"— Bremer has called for a truce and ceasefire in Falloojeh very recently and claimed that the bombing will stop, but the bombing continues as I write this. Over 300 are dead in Falloojeh and they have taken to burying the dead in the town football field because they aren't allowed near the cemetery. The bodies are decomposing in the heat and the people are struggling to bury them as quickly as they arrive. The football field that once supported running, youthful feet and cheering fans has turned into a mass grave holding men, women and children.
The people in Falloojeh have been trying to get the women and children out of the town for the last 48 hours but all the roads out of the city are closed by the Americans and refugees are being shot at and bombed on a regular basis— we're watching the television and crying. The hospital is overflowing with victims— those who have lost arms and legs— those who have lost loved ones. There isn't enough medicine or bandages— what are the Americans doing?! This is collective punishment — is this the solution to the chaos we're living in? Is this the 'hearts and minds' part of the campaign?

I'm so very sorry. There's really nothing more I feel like I can say.

[link via zagg]

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Turn on, Tune in, Hang out.

April 13, 2004

Monday, April 19th isProject Laundry List's National Hanging Out Day:

For many people, hanging out clothes is therapeutic work. It is the only time during the week that some folks can slow down to feel the wind and listen to the birds. Consistent use of clotheslines or drying racks can save the average household much more than a hundred dollars every year in energy bills. Clothes last longer and smell better, too.

We should all post evocative or artistic pictures of our laundry lines, with the clothes waving gently in the breeze, to celebrate the day.

Posted at 8:47 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Of um, of um...Osama's intentions...

April 12, 2004

In a hilarious admission of short-term memory loss (which I assume has been caused by displacement of the terrorist threat onto Iraq rather than, you know, the actual people who were responsible for 9/11) Bush actually FORGOT Osama's name in a press conference today. Did anyone else hear it?

Ass.

Posted at 2:05 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

It's Chunky Chickpea Guacamole season again!

April 12, 2004

By order of his majesty, Monk, Monday is officially Chunky Chickpea Guacamole day in the Blood household.

I love it because it stretches 2 avocadoes into a bowlful of yummy, nutritious goodness that could probably feed 8 or so, if one of them is not Monk. We eat it in tacos, and Monk will have like 4 in a sitting if I don't redirect him. hahahahaha. He just came to the table with a tortilla piled with like, way overabundance, which he is now gorging himself on. WARNING: this recipe causes extreme gluttony in small children.

And there was much rejoicing.

Posted at 12:03 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Street Lights and Restless Sleep

April 12, 2004

I was up until 3:30 AM trying to finish up a project at work. I waited for the kids to go to bed so I could have uninterrupted time. Unfortunately, Monk didn't go to bed until midnight and coley woke up at 1 AM and I had to juggle stuff around.

I'm so tired of Coley's night waking. Lately he's at least pleasant when he wakes up, but it still makes it difficult to do those things that I save for "when the kids are in bed." As a result, the house is a wreck, the extra work that I'm trying to do doesn't get done, writing doesn't happen, bills don't get paid, and I don't read very many blogs.

Saturday night, I came home from my date with J a little late. The first thing that was odd was that I realized all of the streetlights were blinking red. It has really been THAT LONG since I have stayed out past midnight that I totally forgot about the blinking streetlight thing. When I walked in the door, Coley was awake, and L said, somewhat snidely and accusatorily (perhaps trying to trigger the mama guilt) "He's been crying for YOU."

It occurred to me that for him, the fact that his youngest son wakes up every night around 1 AM (and has for almost his entire life) is as alien as the blinking streetlights are to me.

But, like I said, at least lately Cole has been pleasant upon waking. Bubbly, cheerful, wanting to play. I've been testing a theory about spending a little bit of time indulging him and then getting him back to bed, and that seems to work better than getting all agitated and DEMANDING that he go back to sleep THIS INSTANT (Um, duh! I mean, sometimes I can be the biggest idiot about my stubborn kneejerk reactions to things and the damage they cause). Last night, when Coley woke up, I set aside my work for a little while, took off his wet pajamas (he's wetting the bed now, after about 2 weeks of what I thought was the smoothest transition into potty training ever.) put a band-aid on his boo boo, changed the sheets, let him spread some lavender on the bed, put him in his footie pajamas, and he said "Night night, mama." and drifted off to sleep.

It only took about 10 minutes in all, and I was able to resume my work and regain my focus. Because, to give myself a bit of credit here, it is about focus. And when it reaches a certain hour of the evening, I direct my focus away from being mama and towards my other pursuits...and when I'm distracted from that, I think it's reasonable for me to feel frustrated. Although what I need to work on is responding in a manner that isn't angry, because that only extends the distraction.

At any rate, Coley did get back to bed last night, and I finished something for work that I really enjoyed finishing. I formatted a document that we're using to prepare people for the interview process with a recruiter we are working with. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed formatting documents - choosing styles, rearranging and editing text. Granted, it's not freaking rocket science, but it's satisfying work. I think this means I really need to start doing a zine again OR I need to just give in and learn how to design web pages so I can get my webzine off the ground finally after years and years of procrastination.

But I still didn't get everything done. There's more stuff I need to do for work, but I'm going to wait until I can talk to my boss so I can do it right. That will mean that I will most likely be up late tonight doing it, but whatever.

For dinner yesterday, I made artichokes stuffed with sauteed red onion, garlic, basil, pecan, croutons, and mozzarella. They would have been delicious had I cooked the artichoke all the way through. But I was overly anxious and yanked it out and ate it before it was good and tender. Or maybe I overcooked it. I still can't decide.

And I did my taxes and was relieved to find that I didn't owe money, until I remembered the stupid "advance payment" of the child tax credit from the stupid irs, and it's not looking so good now. I did have to estimate my property tax payment, so there's still a chance that I understimated by enough to offset the amount I owe, but damn. You know? I was hoping I would get a return, in spite of it all. Next year, though - I should get a hefty return.

Today, I have a meeting at 3:30 and I don't know if I have childcare to cover me. M mentioned that she was going to go camping today, and Coley has a slight fever that I don't want to pass on to other children. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it - if I should just bring coley with me (which would no doubt be a disaster) or if I should volunteer to do the meeting by phone (which would make things kind of difficult, considering the type of meeting we need to have.)

I'll have to work it out. It's later in the morning than I had thought, and I have stuff I need to do right now. I can't help but wonder, though, if L has ever had to do so much juggling in order to accomplish all he needs to accomplish. Somehow, I doubt it...but there's no use in wondering anyway.

Posted at 10:13 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Shut Up.

April 11, 2004

Robert Fisk: Bush's War Lords to Critics: "Just Shut Up"

Now I'm all against incitement to violence. Just like I'm against incitement to war by the use of fraudulent claims of weapons of mass destruction and secret links to al-Qa'ida. Just like I'm against the use of Saddam's army against Iraqi cities and the use of America's army against Iraqi cities. For let's remember that some of Muqtada Sadr's dangerous militiamen fought Saddam in the 1991 insurgency--the one we supported and then betrayed. Saddam, of course, knew how to deal with resistance. "We will not tolerate...," he told his commanders. And we all know what that meant. No, the Americans are not Saddam's army. But the siege of Fallujah is likely to give that city the heroic status among future generations of Iraqi Sunnis as Basra--surrounded by Saddam's hordes in 1991--holds among Iraqi Shias today.

Posted at 11:59 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Cold Front

April 11, 2004

I came home last night, and all of the windows in the house were open, and the heat was on. This is how a southern boy responds to a mid-April cold front. I closed half of the windows, turned off the heat, hunted down some more blankets, and snuggled with my sweeties. And it was very nice.

It's still cold this morning, but not nearly as. I've already celebrated the change of seasons, so there's no need for celebration on this day for me. I'm enjoying the grey. I have much to do. I'm hoping the grocery stores are open, as I have to get some things for tonight's luddite potluck. The kids are watching Finding Nemo, and I am trying to link up current events to the song "Sweethearts" by Camper Van Beethoven.

In the midst of those efforts, I did a search for Dixon+1949 and found this interesting historical tidbit. I'm not sure what to make of it, but for some reason it seems significant enough for me to consider it for days.

Speaking of considering for days, J and I rented Donnie Darko last night. I feel so dumb when I watch movies like that. I really just don't get it, and it's too much information for my wee brain to process, but it was interesting, and kind of beautifully filmed, and there was enough in it that I did understand to captivate me, but I think I'm going to have to watch it 3 or 4 times before I am comfortable with it.

Right now, I'm feeling co-opted. I just read an essay from someone who claimed to believe in the inherent goodness of people, yet this person believes wholeheartedly that the war in Iraq is a good idea. Granted, I'm not the first person to claim belief in inherent goodness. I certainly don't deserve to judge the merits of others' beliefs, considering it's impossible for me to be consistent 100% of the time...but it seems to me that if one believes in the inherent goodness of people, one would believe that killing them for whatever reason is wrong. Not to mention this person seems to spend a good portion of her time mocking and deriding those who disagree with her, which, again, is certainly not a crime and certainly within the realm of human fallibility - but it makes me wonder when people profess to believe that people are good if they feel that absolves them of having to find that goodness in people. Again, not that I'm perfect. I find myself frequently gritting my teeth as I read the statement at the top of my webpage and confront someone whose ideas run counter to mine. And I don't always respond kindly to people. I don't always take the time to consider the goodness within them. But, it's like parenting - having an ideal, knowing you can't always live up to that ideal...it's not like you can say "Oh, I'll never live up to that ideal, so I might as well just do whatever" (my mother seems to use this one a lot. It's the "yeah, whatever" school of parenting. By the time she got to me, six kids later, she pretty much felt like there was no use even trying. And I can relate to that, but I feel like it's my responsibility as a parent to unearth and relearn and make amends and attempt to repair the things that get broken along the way - and to find my way back to the path when I veer from it.

I have a difficult time with insincerity. My own, as well as others. The belief is there within me, and I have to remind myself of it so I can return to it when I feel like I'm wandering off that path. But I can't imagine how this person can reasonably justify her actions based on that belief. And, because I'm hyper-analytical, the fact that I'm finding this so distressing is making me feel like there's something about my character that needs to be examined. Perhaps the equivocation is pointing to my own shortcomings.

Sort of changing the subject, but not really, J and I went and stood out on his porch at the beginning stages of the cold front yesterday. The wind was blowing and the sky was grey and we had coffee and I was in the middle of finishing up some projects for work that are as yet unfinished. And we drank our coffee and he held me a bit and then we went back inside and he gave me a long, warm hug, and it's like reality suddenly became more real? Or something. I mean, I was standing there, in his arms, being held...and I suddenly got this jolt of recognition of the intensity of my feelings for him. And not just him, but the intensity of the healing that is happening within me because of him. In short, he suddenly became more real, somehow. And I started to cry, I think. Or giggle. These days, I do both at the same time quite frequently. And I'm sure he was confused, but he kept hugging me anyway.

And the realness and wonderfulness of it is such a treasure and a joy. And I feel so lucky. But the flip side is that I'm terrified, you know? Terrified that I will screw things up somehow. Like how when I'm depressed, I don't mind walking alone at night, but when I'm full of joy, driving down the street in the rain becomes terrifying, as I struggle to preserve the vessel that perceives so much joy. And with J, this vessel is somehow both internal and external - and I can't control the safety of it, I Just have to Trust that it will be handled carefully and respectfully by both of us.

It's kind of like an "Oh, fuck." feeling - only without the impending sense of dread so much as an impending sense of curiosity mixed with self-doubt. And I search my memory for the presence of this feeling at the start of past relationships, and I can't find it anywhere. But then I tell myself that it's like the pain of childbirth...once you become jaded in a relationship it starts to seem like the relationship was calmly and painlessly doomed from the beginning so it's easier to be duped into getting into another one.

I know I have time to figure all of this stuff out, but I have so many ideas that have melted and decalcified since meeting J. Possibilities. Ambitions. There are things that I wanted so badly that I feel I was forced to give up on in my last relationship. Things I was told were impossible fantasies that seem so much more real now. And I can't wait to sort them out, but then I don't want to sort them out while I'm in this state of (possibly temporary) bliss because I fear that I might come to opposite conclusion simply on the basis of wishing it so.

Perhaps my frustration with this other person who claims to believe in inherent goodness in spite of what appears to me to be a tremendous contradiction is due to the fact that it's a tremendous contradiction for me to believe in the inherent goodness of all beings and still doubt the existence of abiding love. And, while I still am not sure if eternal monogamy is a necessary result of eternal love, it seems that there is some power that I hadn't considered in the structure of two loving individuals pledging to care for each other, formally or not. I guess what I'm saying is that perhaps I have applied my misgivings about love that were learned through this unhealthy relationships to some sort of theory of human condition, in spite of the fact that my entire being wishes it to not be so. In spite of the fact that it goes against just about everything I believe to be true. And maybe it's time to believe in my being rather than my logic born of experience.

Perhaps, just as I feel war can never be an expression of a belief in inherent goodness - neither can distrust of love.

Posted at 11:13 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

I'm a horrible webmistress

April 10, 2004

I guess the fullbleed blogs have been down for about a week, and I finally got around to asking J to fix them for me. So, everyone on fullbleed.net who hasn't been able to post, SORRY, and we have a tasty new upgrade to MT 6.61 and an upgrade to blacklist now, thanks to J.

I hope no one has gone into severe withdrawal as I know I would if the same were to happen to me. Hopefully the improved features will make up for the downtime.

Posted at 6:02 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Florida, Then and NOW.

April 10, 2004

Last night on Moyers, I heard something I had not really heard before:

NOW with Bill Moyers. Transcript. April 9, 2004 | PBS

BILL MOYERS: In your article coming out this weekend in the LOS ANGELES TIMES you write about how the Bush administration actually coddled the Saudis and the Bin Laden's, both before and after 9/11. And you say the Arab connection is going to be a very big live wire in-- this election. What do you mean?
KEVIN PHILLIPS: Well, let's take the two separately. The Arab connection is that the Republicans back in 2000, 1999 and 2000, were putting a major emphasis on the Muslim vote, believe it or not. And the estimates range from-- anywhere from three million to seven million Muslims, and in some states they were deemed to be pivotal. And Florida was one of them. And it looks like the Republicans swept the Muslim vote in Florida with 50,000, 60,000. So that would mean that that was the margin.

So when they were courting the Muslim vote, they were dealing with a lot of these Saudi-funded Muslim foundations in the United States, some of which later turned out to have some links to some of the problem. 'Cause of course the Saudis were part of the problem.

Now, the Bush's have a long tie to the Saudi royal family, and indirectly to the Bin Laden's. And as a result of the ties to the Saudis, we don't need to take it any further than that for the moment; they put through in 2001 a change called the visa express. By which people in Saudi Arabia could get U.S. visas without actually going in and being photographed by U--

BILL MOYERS: This was when?

KEVIN PHILLIPS: In 2001. June 2001. And three of the terrorists came into the United States under this very permissive framework. Then after 9/11, a group of people from Saudi Arabia, several groups were-- including Bin Laden family members, were allowed to fly back when very little else was moving. Fly back to the Middle East. So this is coddling. It's hard to define it any other way.

BILL MOYERS: But isn't that it large part the consequence of an American economy that runs at high speed on Middle Eastern oil?

KEVIN PHILLIPS: Well, oil is absolutely critical here, obviously. And if you think that Saudi Arabia might be falling apart, you want to think about getting Iraq which also has huge reserves.

If you look at the way in which the Bush's have conducted foreign policy, oil has always been a major priority.

It's a family that's always been connected to the oil business. I mean, it goes back literally 100 years. And oil is a very major yardstick. But-- frankly, they're right about that. Oil for us is a huge yardstick. But in their particular case, it's more than for other people because that's what their background is.

BILL MOYERS: But every administration has to try to protect that flow of oil?

KEVIN PHILLIPS: And they have. You can go all the way back to FDR in the 1940s declaring Saudi Arabia a major concern. Obviously in the 1970s. Everybody's done it.

But the other presidents, however much they cared about oil, didn't have these personal involvements.

And, just to bring a link from redheaddread up from comments.

Posted at 2:16 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Vanity Blogging - Looking back

April 9, 2004

I'm doing a little delving into my journals from this time of year/various years. I thought I'd start with last year, as there's a wealth of material to be had. I'll post transcribed journals at the wayback journal if I have time.

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: What the Fuck?

yes, you are reading that correctly, people would remain more supportive of a war that killed as many as 5,000 Iraqi CIVILIANS than they would of a war that killed as many as 5,000 U.S. troops.
I really don't know what else to add to that. I really just don't get it. I'm having a "circular logic exploding brain" moment here.

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: The Dalai Lama on War

Whenever anyone asks me "OK, Ms. smarty pants anti-war protestor, how would YOU solve the problem." I can't help but think that it's an evolution thing. The people who are being governed seem to understand that there needs to be change, but it's the people in power who resist this change because they stand to lose more. There's no simple solution to the world crises that we face, but engaging in warfare time and time again has not proven effective. It's time to try something else. It's time to establish a system of government that values all lives. It's time to lead by example rather than force.
Evolution or revolution.

Innoculated City & Wings & the abc's of anarchism

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: Disinformation

And I keep watching conversations at the Agonist, and Atrios, and other places, and everyone is so quick to jump on the "I told you so" train, only to be proven wrong almost immediately. NO ONE knows what is real and what isn't, and no one will know until 20 or 30 years from now.
This is why it's important for me to fall back on a moral/ethical opposition to warfare. It's just plain wrong to kill people. And the devaluing of human life that occurs the world over won't stop until we find less violent ways of resolving the crises of humanity.

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: On Stupidity and Heartlessness

I heard something HILARIOUS yet subtle on the news last night. I can't remember what show it was, but I'm certain it was on PBS. The host of the news show was interviewing someone about the current war, and the host asked why Russian hadn't climbed on board with Bush and Blair, as it would have given them excellent position as "pal of America." The interviewee said something to the effect of "Well, considering the Russian public is largely opposed to the war, and it is a democratic country, Putin couldn't merely disregard public opinion for political gain."
Remind me...what percentage of the American public was opposed to a non-UN sanctioned war with Iraq?

This is what democracy looks like? And you wonder why the rest of the world is more than a little bit pessimistic about the motives of the U.S. in the rebuilding process?

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: I can't even tell you how depressed this makes me.

I love my children. I'm horrified that children would be used in warfare, but I'm even more horrified that we knew that children would be used in warfare before we started this war. There's very little justification that can be given for the killing of 10 year old children. It doesn't matter if they intended to do harm. It doesn't matter that they are being forced by "the enemy" to participate in warfare. What matters is that we knew that this would happen when we went in...
...and that didn't stop us.

For those who will continue to say "That's war." My response is that we need to come up with a more appropriate name for it. It's really not war anymore. It's slaughter. It's...it's a word that is so harsh it hasn't even been invented yet. I'm at a loss for what this kind of reality is called. But I do know that I don't want it to happen in my name.

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: The importance of Dissent.

What protestors are doing is very important to the preservation of free speech. It might be annoying, it might be condemnable, it might even piss people off. But, damnit, it's absolutely crucial that people continue to exercise their right to assemble and agitate peacefully as much as possible. If no one did, how easy would it be to erode that right and/or take it away altogether? In fact, many people say that there has already been a great deal of erosion in the right to assemble, considering protestors are forced to get parade licenses and have to work with the government and the police prior to being "granted" the right to assemble. There's actually a great deal of red tape involved in exercising your right to assemble peacably, and that, I'm pretty sure, is different from the way it was during the Viet Nam war....which was the last time that protests were as large and as coordinated as they are now.
So...brave freedom fighters? I guess that's open to interpretation. However, protestors of any ilk are certainly doing a very important thing for the continuation of democracy. We are exercising muscles that, if left unused, could very possibly atrophy, leaving our democracy damaged and ineffective.

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: Juxtaposition

Millions of Americans celebrated the as-yet-to-be-seen liberation of the Iraqi civilians today. Yesterday, someone commented on one of my posts at hooha that they are glad they are in the majority because that means they don't have to pay attention to what I have to say. With this kind of weird relationship that Americans seem to have with truth and justice, I really am afraid of the amount of freedom my fellow citizens are willing to sacrifice to a government that no other country can keep in check.
The juxtaposition of current events and history paints a larger picture that few people who support the war choose to look at. This is unfortunate, as it leaves them with a snapshot solution that is detrimental to all of us.

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: Tell the Truth

Look, if you are in support of our current regime than I need you to explain something to me. How can you stand the lies? It is so obvious that the government is actively deceiving the public, and I find it totally indefensible. If the public support is for the war (and for whatever might come next) what is the point in fucking lying. Tell the truth. Let the people know what the plans are. Let the people know what they are fucking supporting here. Let there be no question.

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: Planned Hopelessness

Hopelessness.
That's what we are being sold. Some people are cynical enough to buy it whether they stand to benefit from it or not. Some people are just too damned busy getting by to fight against it. It gets shoved into a corner of the psyche and left there to fester.

At the lecture, one of the participants questioned the need for our country to embark upon one pre-emptive war after another. He said "If there is no forseeable end, and we can't really be assured of victory, why not just do nothing."

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: A sign that your 6-year old might be playing too much "Age of Empires"

The magnetic letters on the refrigerator now spell "El Cid"

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: They Really Just Don't Get it.

If you want to pretend that the shock and outrage about the destruction of historical relics and the disgust and dismay about the deaths of thousands of Iraqis are somehow mutually exclusive, go right ahead. I think most rational human beings understand that it's not mutually exclusive, but CUMULATIVE. And what it adds up to is that we will not win this war, because all that is left of the flimsy pro-war rhetoric is the liberation of the Iraqi people, and you can't liberate a people by obliterating their history.

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: Dear Mom (and family)

The difficulty in this belief is in recognizing where I have been taught to desire control over situations, and in exterminating my desire for control. I strive to eliminate the need to exert control over the people and things in my environment which are not meant to be under my control. In this endeavor, I am not perfect, but it is crucial to my spiritual make-up to continue trying.

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: Anarchism

Specifically referring to the last post, I have to say that the "rational agents that would abuse the rules of the game" are not rational at all. It is my belief that the need for power is an aberration that is derived from our absolute lack of power, and it must be identified, rooted out, and actively counteracted.
In a society that seeks to empower the minority by disempowering the majority, it's no wonder that so many would seek to abuse power when they get it. In a society that seeks to create a fundamental balance of power, these issues would not be as widespread. It is, of course, nearly impossible for the unimaginative to conceive of this, as you have lived all your life within a system where power and control are the modes of exchange. The unimaginative attempt to place an anarchist society in the same context as our so-called democratic society.

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: ode to a boy with a name like mine

Tonight I wrap my mind around you like I wrapped the phone cord around the fingerof my 17 year old self the night you called I was reading Dante's Inferno and really not getting it but I pretended I was when we spoke and equally mysterious words rolled off your tongue.

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: Advocating for Overthrowing the Government

They don't even realize it, but they are advocating for an overthrow of the system. Overhaul, override, overthrow. No shit. Both sides are equally corrupt. I choose no sides. I choose overthrow.

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: Top of the morning...

(I can't believe how frequently I forget that nothing else matters.)

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: Why I love Chris.

**Disclaimer: Neither Drucilla Blood, nor any of her conglomerates or subsidiaries advocate the killing and eating of small children.

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: Monogamy and Anarchy

For myself, I feel like I was born with an inordinate amount of love, to the point where, as I've said before, I find it difficult to not go around hugging strangers on the bus. I can't believe I'm the only person who feels this way, either. I don't think I'm all that special. I feel like many if not all of us were born with unending joy and love in all directions, and I feel that the more we are taught to stifle this, the more dissatisfied we become. When I'm here with L and he is depressive or pissy, past the anger, past the sadness at having lost him somewhere, beyond all of that resentment is this great urge to just be able to hug him and tell him he is so loved, without having him give me that look of utter disbelief. And I do love him, so very much. But not just him.

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: Completing the thought...

We are taught to fear competition in love, because we fear there is somehow not enough to go around. Maybe I'm just easily satisfied, but there's plenty as far as I can see. Plenty to give and plenty to get. It's just a matter of figuring out how to loose the shackles of insecurity that this scarcity myth clamps down on us.

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: Another kick ass day

Anyway, after that, and a couple of hours of tumbling and tickling interspersed with my insane need to write write write whatever thoughts happen to pop into my head (and I've taken to writing on paper for the most part, for I fear that I will come off and insane and obsessed if I chose to write everything down here) I found myself in the living room alone and the house...strangely silent. I held out for as long as I could before checking on them, and found both of them laying on the bed, with m reading library books to c. Both of them content as could be. It was glorious. Absolutely.

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: Digital Empowerment vs. Workforce Development

The deal is that, for some fucked up reason, our organization & apparently all orgs in the same line of work, are forced to construct curriculum in the context of workforce development. The assumption being that our poor, long-suffering, un-and-under-employed clients are chomping at the bit to compete for jobs that are only available to the privileged and/or well-connected anyway. Never mind that in the trenches it's apparent to me that a) these "poor downtrodden" folks are perfectly capable of internal compulsion without external reward AND not only that, there just aren't enough jobs to go around anyway.

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: Feeling. Some. Anger.
This kind of bullshit might be ok to some of my fellow Americans, but it doesn't fucking fly with me. If our leaders feel that it's necessary to "stretch the truth" so they can have their way with public policy ON MY DIME, then they shouldn't fucking be doing what they're doing. If our ELECTED SERVANTS OF THE FUCKING PUBLIC can't gain the support they need for the actions they take by telling the truth about their motivations, then that brings the validity of those actions into serious question.

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: You gotta love good ole Rummy

I wonder if the children who were oppressed by the Hussein regime were also...not children. & what the fuck does QUANTITY matter when we are talking about individuals lives? Whether it's 1, 5 or 100...it's still minor children being held in a prison camp. NOT. IN. MY. FUCKING. NAME.

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: Love Your Veterans...

Educate yourself about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and understand that the war will never be over for those who served:

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings.: Tulia. Still. (or, Justice: Texas Style)

Hi. I live in Texas. Please nuke us.

Posted at 9:51 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

History lesson from Atrios

April 8, 2004

Eschaton

For those who are a little fuzzy on their recent history, the timeline goes something like this:
August 6, 2001: Bush gets briefing titled "Bin Laden Determined to Strike Inside US."

August 7, 2001: Bush begins month long vacation in Crawford, TX.

Yup. Sounds like Bush "Worked Hard" to me. In fact, he was "working hard" while Dr. Rice was testifying today.

Posted at 12:53 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

A day.

April 8, 2004

I'm relieved that the influx of vistors from Little Green Footballs has not resulted in a slew of moronic comments here. Most likely because (and I'm relying on my belief in human decency here) they actually READ the posts that were excerpted out of context and saw that the person who posted my URL is a complete dolt.

At any rate, speaking of context, I listened to the Condi interview today and was amazed that someone who seems so concerned with framing things in context is so reluctant to voice an opinion about whether to release certain documents which might help us to frame the context of this entire conflict. I don't have much more to say about the testimony. I was frustrated listening to it. Frustrated enough to shout "ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION." several times, which did not help the already precarious relationship with mellowness that my three year old is attempting to navigate. He cried, I hugged, we made up, he cried some more. I placed him in the bedroom with the window open so he could feel the breeze and stare at the big oak tree in our front yard. He fell asleep.

Perhaps I should have done the same.

Instead, I hung laundry with my earbud plugged in to my radio. Listening. Hoping for truth. I don't know what to believe or even what to hope for. If it is true that we did all we could pre-9/11, then I have to believe that there's really little chance for us to deflect future threats.

I was frustrated with the continued sales pitch of the so-called Patriot Act, and the consistent assertions that the way to combat terrorism is to reduce freedom.

I don't have much time to spend surfing the internet today. I have kids to shuttle and parks to go to and sunshine to enjoy. But these thoughts will be following me all day. I wish there was a way to resolve them. I wish I didn't feel so cynical and resigned. I wish there weren't more and more people dying in Iraq. I wish the idiots on the internet weren't taking active steps to try to silence people who are trying to work things out for themselves and, possibly, for others. I wish I could find Coley's sword and shield so he would stop throwing temper tantrums about it. I wish...I wish a lot of things. A lot of things

Posted at 11:24 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

2 Lists

April 7, 2004

Things that are bad:

the shit that's going down in Iraq. All of it.
not getting enough sleep
still not getting any child support
the fact that the asshole who is here when I am not lets the dog and cat piss all over the carpet, and I have to fucking clean it up, and I can't clean it up completely, so it smells like perpetual piss back here
the shit that's going down in Iraq. All of it.

Things that are good:

Surprising me at work kisses from J
My sweet children
freecycled carpet and pad to replace piss carpet when I have time to cut and relay
More J kisses
My sweet children going to bed an hour early so I can get some sleep.
Long phone conversations with J before bedtime, and peaceful dreams.

I really like J. I keep meaning to write a post about how much I like J, and I'll get started, but then I start sounding like a love-crazed adolescent and I have to stop myself before I say too much that could possibly be used as blackmail material at a later date.

But the thing is that J is truly great. He's different from me and similar to me in exactly the right ways. Where I am flighty and chattery and impatient, he is steadfast and stoic and seemingly terminally patient. He's amazing in that regard. I don't understand patient people, having never really been one, but I certainly do appreciate J's level of patience. I'm fascinated by it. But we are similar enough to come together on so many issues. We can talk. God, it's nice to be able to talk to someone in that context again. He's great.

And he is...he's the best kisser. I mean, even a simple goodbye kiss from him makes me weak in the knees. How long have I bemoaned the lack of kissing in my life here? I think the whole time I've been blogging I've been talking about how I love the kisses, and I miss the kisses. Now I've got some good kisses coming my way, and hugs, and I only want more and more. hahahaha.

So, yeah. I'm still all mushy over J. It's a great thing.

Posted at 10:11 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

2 Disturbing thoughts of the day

April 7, 2004

I have been driving around today, listening to rush limbaugh, and 2 thoughts struck me and made me shudder:

John Kerry sounds EXACTLY like ALF - the Alien Life Form
Rush Limbaugh sounds EXACTLY like my father.

OK, back to rushing around.

Posted at 1:34 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Kos, Cramer, and selective objection

April 6, 2004

I have really fucking had it with all of the uproar about "offensive" statements about our military operations, and the demands for apology coming from people who clearly have nothing better to do than to hold people accountable to their warped standards of conduct.

I've had it, so I've chosen to ignore the bloggers who engage in it. Thankfully, most of them are on the pro-war side of things, so it's not difficult for me to ignore them. However, when the asshats come here and call a decent, well-meaning woman who has taken it upon herself to do research into unsavory topics a "whore" I can't ignore it, nor can I remain silent about it.

While I admit that it's not exactly kind to speculate about those who have died, I'm feeling like Kos and Cramer have been victims of an extreme, not to mention seemingly CALCULATED overreaction. Both bloggers had a visceral reaction to the deaths of the American Armed Security Officers who were killed in Fallujah last week. Both were verbally assaulted by a slew of commenters and e-mailers. Both retracted and/or apologized for their statements in a way that was comfortable to them. Both have remained unforgiven and have even been criticized for their apologies.

It's fucking maddening to me that someone can go off calling people smug and hateful and vindictive and mean over the deaths of four people, and yet ridicule the anti-war protesters for objecting the the deaths of thousands. And I'm not at all saying that we shouldn't feel bad about the four people who have died, (although I'm sure someone will find a way to twist my words to make it seem like I am. Fuck them.) what I've said and what I continue to say is that death is not relative. Why would someone want me to respect the death of an armed security guard more than I respect the death of any number of soldiers and civilians - both American and Iraqi - who have died thus far?

The fact is that those four Americans CHOSE to be there. They were doing a job they were paid to do, paid a lot more than the soldiers who are there, and they took the job knowing there were dangers. That is not to say that their deaths were not tragic, but I can't help but think of the thousands of Iraqis who had bombs rain down upon them, and many others who are caught in the crossfire.

If you want me to believe that our military personnel and mercenaries are innocent bystanders in this war who do not deserve to die (which I do, wholeheartedly) than, for consistency's sake, I am also to believe that the Iraqi military personnel are also innocent bystanders in this war who do not deserve to die (which I also do, wholeheartedly.) I also happen to believe that the resistance in Iraq is being fought by people who are innocent bystanders who do not deserve to die. I'm sure there are bad apples in there somewhere, ON BOTH SIDES, but I do not think there are enough bad apples in the world to do all of that fighting and killing.

And let me explain something about apologies, something that I tell my children all of the time. If you have to ask someone for an apology, you will NEVER be satisfied with the result. I don't believe Kos or Cramer needed to apologize for their words. I read the original posts of both, and found them to be impassioned and emotional (in the case of Kos) and dreading and exploratory (in the case of Cramer) obviously, some of you disagree. But neither Kos nor Cramer are responsible for the deaths of these people, and I'm sick to fucking death of hearing about what horrible people they are because of the words that they used to sort through and make sense of the tragedies, especially when I go to the sites that are criticising them, and find them peppered with about a thousand things that are offensive to me personally.

Those who were offended by the comments of Kos and Cramer have a right to be offended. They have a right to write about their offense. I even believe that they have a right to visit those blogs and post their offense. However, you shouldn't be surpised when you get called fucking hypocrites and idiots for doing so. And you DON'T have the right to expect that people will manage the comments the way you want them to. You don't have the right to insist they remove things or replace things that they have removed. You don't have the right to intimidate people by threatening them or their family members. And you don't have the right to come to my space and use sexist terminology to describe them.

Posted at 2:50 PM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

Love Germs

April 6, 2004

I grabbed one of Monk's tortilla chips off of his plate today and he said:

"Gross! Now you got your LOVE germs all over my whole plate."

"LOVE germs?"

"Yeah, that's the kind of germs you hippies have."

Posted at 12:16 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Rwanda

April 6, 2004

It was suggested to me last week that I blank out the blog today out of respect for the genocide in Rwanda which began 10 years ago. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to blank out my page, and I keep getting interrupted in my endeavor to figure it out, so I'm going to post a link to the Yale Genocide Studies Program
for now and maybe blank out the page later.

Posted at 10:02 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Butterflies don't like rain

April 6, 2004

So we're not going on our butterfly farm field trip today.

I woke up this morning when my eldest son came into my sleeping quarters, lay down in bed with me, and put his arm around my neck. He's such a sweet kiddo. He's seven. I hear that seven year old boys aren't often very affectionate, but Monk...he's just a sweetie. Only he doesn't like kisses. I try not to kiss him, but I always end up kissing him anyway, and he tells me "How many times do I have to tell you I Don't Accept Kisses!" I tell him that mom's kiss out of instinct, and it's difficult to resist. And he doesn't stay mad for long.

Anyway, it wasn't long before the little one traipsed into the room and squirmed in between us. They like to fight over me. It's cute, but it's annoying. So I got up. And it's raining, so I'm assuming our field trip is canceled, so I put some breakfast on the table for them and come back to my sleeping quarters to type this.

I was able to talk to Monk about some things that he said or implied that I felt were hurtful. I was able to tell him a story about how, when I was three, and my dad had a girlfriend, I told my mom that I liked dad's girlfriend better than I liked her. I don't remember why I said that. It was probably true that I liked dad's girlfriend better than I liked her, because I spent about 2 hours a MONTH with dad's girlfriend, and about every waking hour (and some of the sleeping ones) with my mom. And you know the thing about familiarity and contempt.

At any rate, what I do remember is that my mom stopped talking to me, and didn't talk to me for what felt like weeks, but might have only been an hour or so. I was three. I don't remember these things. It wasn't exactly what I would consider to be an appropriate parental response, but it was the response my mom chose at the time.

My point with Monk was that mom and dad are (hopefully) part of our lives forever, regardless of other people who might come and go - and even regardless of people who also remain part of our lives forever. It's not a good idea to compare your love for your parents with your feelings for other people because it's hurtful, even if it feels true at the time you are making the comparison.

I'm hoping he took this to heart. He's such a sweet kid, and it's such a delicate situation for all of us. I want them to feel free to love people completely, and I have to be careful to only bring people who are worthy of their complete love into our lives. I can't speak for L, but I'm pretty sure he feels the same way. The problem with this is that when the children become the gauge by which acquaintances are measured, the acquaintances might outshine the parents.

The thing is - I can't control that. I can't predict who L will allow into their lives. I used to be so afraid of that - that he would find someone and the kids would love her more than me. Now, I just feel like these guys deserve as much love in their lives as possible, and if they have 4 parental figures - or 8 or 12 or 32...then that's just fine. As long as all of the grown ups in their lives show them love and respect, and as long as the kids understand that there are just some things that are hurtful to say out loud (although I know they will end up saying those things, anyway)...I'm OK with it.

They don't have to divide themselves up into little pieces to love other people...they bring their whole selves into all of their relationships, and that's a wonderful thing.

Posted at 9:11 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Go visit George...

April 6, 2004

ALLABOUTGEORGE.com: In the old days, it was burn the letters. Today, clear the hard drive.

Posted at 8:44 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Please someone, tell me this is not real.

April 5, 2004

Body and Soul: Ugly American

Seriously. I need to hear that someone photoshopped this, and our soldiers aren't THAT insensitive/ignorant of the delicacy of the situation that they are in.

*sigh*

Posted at 2:20 PM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

This Peaceful Day is brought to you by the Letter "J"

April 5, 2004

It's been a good day. We had a midmorning freakout, but everyone worked together and we took care of each other and resolved the problems. I think Coley had a bad dream last night, and I wasn't taking him seriously enough when he was saying "I have a bad feeling." He came to me in the morning all cheerful, but he was talking about having a dream where "all of his blood came out and [he] died." The thing was, this morning when he was talking about this, he didn't seem terribly upset. We snuggled and hugged and talked about blood coming out and how it was unlikely that he was going to die today and that perhaps we should just be cautious about things and go about our day.

This worked fine, but around 11, when I was trying to get the kids to go outside for their outdoor play time (read: for mamas not having to hear any child-produced noises time) Coley just freaked. Screamed, cried, threw a tantrum, and would not stop until I held him in my lap on the couch and rocked him and rocked him.

But once he was through it, he went right outside, and Monk helped him ride his tricycle, and they played together very nicely. And then we all had lunch, and Monk did some clean up and some math workbook pages while I lay down with coley to snuggle, and the poor little guy fell right to sleep. I hope he's not sick. He does feel a little warm.

But the thing, too, is that it's the whole time change thing. It always screws with their schedules and makes things weird around here for a little while. I was frankly amazed at the ease of bedtime last night, so maybe it's just a delayed reaction. I really hope he's not sick. He's still sleeping, and it's been an hour.

Monk is being an absolute angel today. When things started getting difficult with Cole, Monk was just waking up...Monk came into the kitchen, saw me getting stressed out, and gave me a hug. And then gave Coley a hug. At lunch, he helped me to calm cole down, and then he WINKED at me. Like we were in cahoots or something.

I think this has a lot to do with J's presence. When he comes to hang out with us on Sundays, he is always so helpful with the kids. Just having another adult human around can be helpful, particularly if they are not adding kids of their own to the mix, but J has such a good rapport with the guys, and they are happy when he's here, albeit a little more loud and obnoxious. And I feel like I can relax a bit. I don't have to be "on" all day. And that is such a nice relief at the end of a week, particularly at the end of last week and at the start of this one, which will be quite a busy one.

So, it's been delightfully mellow here today. Monday is math day, and Monk breezed through his workbook pages. He's getting better at writing the numbers, and he definitely has the concepts down. It's just the repitition in writing the numbers that I'm after at this point. Coley is still napping, and I'm hesitant to wake him up, in case he is sick. I'm thinking I won't bring them to M's house today, just in case, and we'll just hang out here until L gets here.

It's good to have a day like today after the difficulty of the past few weeks. Usually, when things are rough, I get glimpses of how great the kids are, but I occasionally have to run on fumes. Today, both kids are full-on sweet and wonderful, and it makes all of the effort doubly worthwhile.

I'm so pleased with the presence of J in my life. From the first time I saw him again, I knew that he'd be a positive force if he stuck around. I had no idea that he'd be as much of a presence as he is right now, but I'm thankful for it. I feel very fortunate to know him.

This morning, when Coley and I were talking about his bad dream, he said "Sometimes you get mad at me and don't like me anymore." I told him "Well, I do get upset with you sometimes, but I always love you." he said "You get mad about me being destructive." "Yes," I replied, "I don't like for you to be destructive." "OK," says Cole, "I'll try not to be destructive anymore. I really try." "I know you do, baby. I know it's not easy. But I'm here to help you keep trying."

I think the biggest relief in having J in my life is that there is someone there who forgives me, and who is constantly (and wordlessly) inspiring me to do better. He doesn't have to tell me to do better. He doesn't have to criticize me for fucking up. He just has to be there, and his sweetness and kindness and loving nature makes me want to be sweet and kind and loving. Thanks, J. You are an absolute doll, baby.

Posted at 2:06 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Speculation?

April 5, 2004

The Globe and Mail

On the surface, this chain of events is mystifying. With the so-called Sunni triangle in flames after the gruesome Fallujah attacks, why is Mr. Bremer pushing the comparatively calm Shia south into battle? Here's one possible answer: Washington has given up on its plans to hand over power to an interim Iraqi government on June 30, and is now creating the chaos it needs to declare the handover impossible.
A continued occupation will be bad news for George Bush on the campaign trail, but not as bad as if the handover happens and the country erupts, an increasingly likely scenario given the widespread rejection of the legitimacy of the interim constitution and the U.S.-appointed government.

It's a plan that might make sense in meetings in Washington, but here in Baghdad it looks like pure madness. By sending the new Iraqi army to fire on the people it is supposed to be protecting, Mr. Bremer has destroyed what slim hope it had of gaining credibility with an already highly mistrustful population. On Sunday, before storming the unarmed demonstrators, the soldiers could be seen pulling on ski masks, so they wouldn't be recognized when they returned to their neighbourhoods.

Posted at 10:49 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Brenda on Medical Marijuana, ADHD

April 5, 2004

Brenda Stardom [Main]

"Dr. Claudia Jensen has seen marijuana help lawyers focus in court, executives excel and adolescents get good grades.
The drug often associated with slackers can do more than Ritalin and other stimulants to motivate millions of Americans with attention disorders, says Jensen, a physician at the Center for Integrated Health in Ventura.

"It can calm you down; Ritalin amps you up," Jensen said. "Cannabis can help you sleep; Ritalin gives you insomnia. Cannabis gives you an appetite; Ritalin makes you anorexic."

Jensen is one of a handful of California doctors invoking state law to approve marijuana, medically known as cannabis sativa, for adults and adolescents who have difficulty with routine daily tasks because they have attention-deficit disorder or attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder. On Thursday, Jensen will have five minutes to convince a congressional subcommittee in Washington, D.C., that the drug works."

Posted at 10:48 AM • Comments (26) • TrackBack

There's Raed.

April 5, 2004

Raed in the Middle

Why do they discover everything very late? Very very late?
Doesn't the American administration understand the deference between solving problems and preventing problems from happening?

Or they just don't care? They will run away after a couple of months...and Iraqis are going to solve their problems by themselves.

If that was the case, why didn't you leave Iraqis solve their problems alone from the beginning?

Who asked you to start the fire and go?

The problems Iraq have now needs decades to be solved...decades I say.

What do I want?

As a first step...
Change the name of the Bush war from "Iraq liberation" to Operation: Hit and Run.

Raed is this week's GNN "Guerilla of the Week."

Posted at 9:07 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Meanwhile, quietly proving that people are inherently good...

April 4, 2004

I just have to give a shout out to Dawn. A woman I have never met, but a woman for whom I have an undoubtable and unspeakable love. Dawn, your sensitivity and gentleness through this whole process has been an incredible fount of hope for me. I am so happy for your family, and I wish you the very best, through my tears of joy.

Posted at 12:08 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Instability and Centeredness

April 4, 2004

Another thing I was thinking about on my walk, was how senseless it is to go back and forth over the topic of "What the Iraqi people feel" about our presence there. For every article like this:

Khamis used to be happy to defend his pro-US position, even if it meant arguing with friends. But one year after the invasion, many of his neighbors in the industrial park have gone out of business. "I don't know what to say to my friends anymore," he says. "It's chaos."
His list of grievances against the occupation is long: corruption in the awarding of reconstruction contracts, the failure to stop the looting, the failure to secure Iraq's borders--both from foreign terrorists and from unregulated foreign imports. Iraqi companies, still suffering from the sanctions and the looting, have been unable to compete.

Most of all, Khamis is worried about how these policies have fed the country's unemployment crisis, creating far too many desperate people. He also notes that Iraqi police officers are paid less than half what he pays his assembly line workers, "which is not enough to survive." The normally soft-spoken Khamis becomes enraged when talking about the man in charge of "rebuilding" Iraq. "Paul Bremer has caused more damage than the war, because the bombs can damage a building but if you damage people there is no hope."

I'm sure one could find another article that states a different viewpoint of the occupation. And the point is that no one knows for sure. It's absolutely ridiculous for someone to say that one side doesn't really know what the Iraqi people as a whole or as a majority feel about the occupation, and then turn around and claim that they DO know. Because none of us know.

But then, talking out of both sides of the mouth is frighteningly common for a lot of people. I chanced to visit a small victory again last night (I know, I shouldn't...can't help myself) and found this post practically delighting in the threats that were sent to the Spanish government. It seems there's so much glee in finding "evidence" of being correct in condemning a whole nation who ran a democratic election and made a decision based on the social climate of the country. And yet, the previous post (the very next one I read) makes light of our heightened state of alert in the U.S. Are we to blame Spain for that? Do you suppose there were threats made to the U.S. government to pull out of Iraq? To what do you suppose the rise in terror alert is due? Is a country more or less democratic when it is straightforward with it's citizenry about the origin of the heightened state of security?

You know? For all we know - as citizens of this allegedly free nation - our government could have gotten carbon copies of the letters that were mailed to the Spanish government. We don't know what we don't hear, and there are so many - both inside and outside of the government - who claim that we don't need to know...that we don't have the RIGHT to know.

But it's all bullshit speculation, and it gets in the way of truth.

One of the things I learned in my relationship with L is how to connect with truth in the midst of confusion and obfuscation. It's a hard lesson, and one that is not easy to follow. But it goes something like this...figure out what you really believe about people in general, and apply that belief to your interactions with all people. Don't allow the negative interference of the damaged person to force you into negative interactions with the rest of the world.

The abuser wins if you carry your anger and resentment and desire for retaliation into your other relationships. The trick is connecting to that center and maintaining that strong connection to what you really believe, regardless of counter-evidence to that belief. Because it becomes difficult to believe that people are inherently good when there's someone in your life attempting to disprove that theory on a regular basis.

I know that some will say this is naive and will only result in me (or us, if you extrapolate) opening ourselves up for attack from outside forces. But the point is that those outside forces will find a way to attack anyway. If I stay focused on my center and act out of that center, I can at least be assured that I have done all that I can to be responsible for my actions.

Trying to predict what an unstable person is going to do and acting upon that attempted prediction not only decreases your odds of choosing the correct reaction, but brings you further and further away from your center. If you act in a manner that is true to center, you are at least assured that you are being true to yourself, and at best applying consistency to increase your odds of creating harmony out of discord. Also, measuring your actions against the potential reactions they might engender really ends up fucking you up in the end, as eventually you forget where the fuck it was you started, and you totally lose sight of who you are in the midst of all of the strategizing. Believe me, I'm very familiar with this. haha.

Blah, this is way too esoteric to make sense to anyone, I'm sure of it. My point is that there's a lot of speculation about what actions will precipitate the terrorists "winning." There is so much twisted logic surrounding this issue. Trying to predict what the reaction will be to any action can tie your brain in a freaking knot and pour water on it to tighten. If Spain chose a leader who wants to take a different approach to terrorism, that is appeasing the terrorists and making them feel that they have won. However, applying our current solution is pissing off the terrorists, and they are killing people and making threats...and this means they are losing somehow? It doesn't make any sense. It seems like we are all losing.

I think much of the disagreement about our actions in Iraq comes from basic mindset. I choose to believe that people are inherently good, and therefore that problems can be worked out by focusing on common cause and root cause and addressing those issues without violence. If my enemy chooses to use violence, it's not in my best interest to counter-attack, because it just leaves me in a situation where I have gone against my own nature to combat someone who is, in my belief, going against theirs.

At the beginning of my schism with L, a very good friend - a woman who loves me very much - invited me to have some empathy for L. To look at him not as a person who intended to do harm to me, but a person who was struggling against harm that has been done to him. And not to leave myself open to harm from him, but to acknowledge that he is, for whatever reason, doing exactly what he feels he needs to do at any given time. She wasn't excusing his behavior, she was only reminding me that, as a human, he is struggling too - and there's no sense adding more hatred to the situation. Over the years in this situation, I have discovered that the more I am able to refrain from reacting to his meanness with more meanness, the better I feel about myself, and the happier the innocent bystanders feel.

This is the best I can do to explain my opposition to war. It's a deeply personal conviction, born of instinct, emotion, and logic. There's no sense in getting into arguments with people about whether we should or whether we should not. There's really no need for facts and figures and body counts. There's no need for me to deflect accusations of smugness and hatred. I don't have any words to combat the accusation that it's smug to be connected to my beliefs and hateful that my beliefs focus on love and selfish that I want people to be able to have sovereignty and freedom...and, much as it is fun to engage in an occasional war of words, it's all just a distraction from what I really believe, from what I have learned, and from what I know in my heart to be true.

UPDATE: Of course, I feel that I need to clarify that I realize I'm not perfect, and I'm never perfectly consistent in the application of my ideals. My ideal is to trust in basic goodness, but that doesn't mean that I don't bristle defensively when attacked - or even, on occasion, pre-emptively. I think my point is that if I'm aware of my center, I am able to hold myself accountable for those moments and either apologize or forgive according to what the situation calls for. Consistency is nice, but I don't think it's necessarily achievable 100% of the time.

It's like...my parenting IDEAL is to treat the children respectfully, to not yell, and to "govern" the household diplomatically, allowing the children to have a say in the rules of the house...but in reality, there are moments (sometimes even whole days) when I do not meet this ideal. The importance of having the ideal in the first place is to give myself a center to return to, to make amends for straying from center, and to continue my work of attempting to maintain that center.

Posted at 11:43 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Eternal Sunshine

April 4, 2004

Yesterday was good. I slathered on the sunscreen for my day's journeys and walked 3/4 of a mile to the bus that would whisk me downtown to the events center where the annual "Celebration of Families" was being held. And then I wandered around looking for the correct entrance to the Palmer Events Center. And then I walked in, wandered around, found a place to dump some flyers, and left, catching a bus back up to the heart of downtown where I sat at Little City with a sandwich and some thoughts and wrote that last entry.

I did a bit of work, did a bit of surf, decided to take the bus up to J's house for our hot date, checked the bus schedules to find the route information, and hopped the number three.

I ended up taking the number three too far, listening to Franti and reading ee cummings The Enormous Room, which is thus far quite engaging. So I got off the bus and walked at least a mile to J's where I gave and received enthusiastic hugs and babbled on about my day to J, who always seems to want to listen to such things.

We went to Goodwill to see if I could find a mitt for myself, and then went out to eat at Madras Pavilion, which was quite tasty. quite. And then to the movie which we were going to see at Alamo, but which we ended up seeing at the Arbor. No matter. The Arbor has those snuggle seats where you get to lift the arm up and cuddle with your neighbor. My neighbor was quite cuddly, so I enjoyed that immensely.

What to say about Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind? I'm still thinking about it. I liked it. I think I would like to see it again. One thing that struck me as I was walking out looking at the crowd was that there were so very many people who were all so very apparently different, and yet I got a sense that all of them - or most - were feeling like at least one of the characters in the movie was descriptive of them and/or someone they loved. It was a very unifying feeling, and I don't think I get that very often when I go to movies. I think Big Fish was the last one that gave me that impression, only with Big Fish it was more of an intangible identification. I think Eternal Sunshine included so much of what goes wrong and right in relationships between people who are essentially very dissimilar that people were able to identify their own qualities in the qualities of the characters.

At any rate, the movie did end, even though I don't think I really wanted it to, and J and I headed back to his place. We had ambitious plans of going to a book store after the movie (or before?) but we were thrown for a loop by the change in venue, so we found ourselves with some spare time at the end of our evening, and we used it well.

J and I had some issues last week, and we resolved them easily and without resorting to blame and belicose biliousness. It was nice, and very healing. I'm accustomed to having any issue I raise in the context of a relationship turned back on me so that I become the one who is to blame. J did none of that. He very patiently listened to my halting concerns - concerns which I had held inside out of this learned aversion to conflict - and took concrete steps to correct the problems that were in his control to correct. The whole thing was very healing, and I feel as if my heart has grown ten times to encompass my feelings for him. He's a wonderful man.

On my long walk to J's house yesterday, I was thinking about my reactions and all of my shortcomings and misgivings. It occured to me that so much of my stress comes from external forces over which I have little to no control. I'm excited about the process of removing these forces from my life, even though it might be a painful process for me to discover all of my faults that have been dwelling in the crevices of inaccountability. "I can't help it that I'm grouchy, I'm under a lot of stress." I tell myself sometimes. And it is doubtless true that it takes a Herculean amount of effort for me not to completely explode in a fit of rage when, for instance, I wake up to make some coffee and find that the unwelcome presence in my home has not only left the kitchen in a mess, but has used up all of my expensive vegan creamer, and much of my organic coffee, to boot. And the person who is hyper-critical of my spending habits and the diets of the children has fed them nothing but fast food for the past few days. I'd say I'm expending a lot of energy containing that anger and frustration that could (and will) be much better spent in constructive and positive interactions with my children and others.

So, I'm looking forward to those changes, even though they are scary. I will be exposed. I will really be able to see which neuroses are mine and which are situational. I will be able to sort through those neuroses and decide which are essential to my personality and which are counter-productive, and I will be able to discard those that are counter-productive. For the most part.

For now, though, I'm going to just enjoy the remainder of my coffee and while away the morning, waiting for J to come and do baseball practice this afternoon, and potluck at K8's, and story time and bed time and all the rest.

I hope you have a beautiful day.

Posted at 10:37 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

ALL the freaky people.

April 3, 2004

i was nearly moved to tears yesterday when, in the grocery store, I overheard a conversation between a father and his (7ish year old) son that went something like this:

"I try to call you at night, but you are usually so busy that I never am able to get in touch with you." says father.

"Why don't you call me during the day" says son

"Well, I'd probably be able to get through, but I don't know that your teachers would like that very much."

*shared laughter*

"You know I love you, don't you bud." Father says, crouching down to look into son's eyes. "you can choose any donut you want, and go ahead and eat it - we'll pay for it up front, but you can eat it now."

But it was something about the way he crouched down, something about this large man's gentleness towards his young son, and the sad distance, and the way the rules of the grocery store were flaunted, seemingly to make up for the estrangement.

And I wanted to hug them both.

Today, the bus was crowded. There was a man rapping freestyle at the back of the bus, and a woman with a torn dress, and the man next to me asked me "Is it Thursday?" "No, no, man...it's Saturday" "Do you have fifty cents?" "Nah, I don't have any change." And the guy in the seat in front of us rolled his one good eye in our direction while I fidgeted in my seat, wondering how I was going to get off the bus with all of the people blocking the side exit.

Different bus, there's a little girl in front of me talking in sign to her mother, only it doesn't look like ASL. She notices me watching and makes a joke about me to her mother and we all laugh even though I don't understand the punch line. She smiles at me with her whole face, and I know she's not being mean and even if she is I'm the one who is eavesdropping.

I get off the bus at the corner where a man is holding a sign that says "Spank your children for saying the word Republican." And I think about my sweet George Bush loving seven year old and how small he looked wearing a batting helmet today. And how he didn't flinch or grimace when I called him "baby" and "sweetie" while I was coaching him from behind the batting cage.

And I think it's shaping up to be a pretty good day. There's this - there's all this beauty all around me. And sadness. There's poverty and wealth and a wealth of words to describe them. My words enable me to compartmentalize. To sort according to priority. To cradle these brief sorrows gently before I let them go.

Posted at 2:05 PM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

Whoah.

April 3, 2004

Kathryn Cramer: Was Dead "Civilian Contractor" Michael Teague the former Aryan Nations security chief?

And for those of you who might say it's not right to speculate about the dead, I would reply that a government who is not forthright about who, exactly, is fighting the war inspires such speculation.

Posted at 8:16 AM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

Laughs Out Loud, Throws up hands, turns the computer off, rubs eyes, stands up, and goes outside to play.

April 2, 2004

link to witty weblog entry

[obligatory referential link]

Posted at 12:24 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Now I'm giving Susan nightmares

April 2, 2004

I hate it when paranoia becomes reality. Politics in the New Age of Hired Guns. An Interview with P.W. Singer, author of Corporate Warriors:

Hiring mercenaries is nothing new. Ancient Egyptians did it. Roman and Carthaginians did it. The USA does it. But there’s a disturbing difference about the latest wave of private operators in warfare. Today, fighting, training, advising, managing supply chains, and handling logistics in war can all be handle by corporations. Think of it this way: our military is being outsourced and our tax dollars diverted into the private sphere. With a growing corporatized distance between citizen and country, there may be no need for a national call to arms in the future. A corporate call to arms may be all that is needed.

[link via Bitter Shack of Resentment]

[susan has more links on this subject in this post.]

Posted at 12:14 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

trip trop trip trop

April 2, 2004

More information about differing viewpoints about the occupation from soldiers and Iraqis here.

Yeah. Calling someone a "simpleton" and an "idiot" as a response to a reasoned argument is certainly not making my little self-deprecating joke about the dimwittedness of the asv crowd very funny.

(it was SELF-DEPRECATING, you see, because I was making fun of myself for quoting "I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings" while pointing out the flaws of others. Perhaps it was, also, a "nuance" thing.)

Posted at 11:56 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Friday News Blogging, part 2

April 2, 2004

Just a reminder for those who use a solitary Iraqi as an sample of someone who is happy with the current state of things. The war in Iraq was not JUST about Iraq, and harmed not ONLY Iraqis. If, in fact, the war in Iraq is part of the war on terror, there are world-wide repercussions to the decisions that are made there, and you have a much larger "focus group" to consider:

People all over the world opposed the attack on Iraq with record-breaking, unprecedented, demonstrations. They were demonstrating, partly out of sympathy for the people of Iraq, but also because they were opposed to the idea that one country, one leader-the president of the United States-can appoint himself world monarch and rule over the entire planet, with the power to decide who shall live and who shall die. And if he can attack any country, unilaterally, without any regard for international law, then no one is safe.

Not that Iraqi voices should be discounted:

Baghdad - Thousands of people rallied outside the Baghdad headquarters of the United States-led occupation on Friday in a continued protest against a decision to suspend a newspaper owned by a radical Iraqi Shi'a Muslim cleric.
The peaceful protest was the biggest since the occupation last week temporarily shut the weekly, which is owned by Moqtada Sadr.

Sadr supporters chanted "Down with the United States", "Yes to Islam", "No to colonisation" and called for the reopening of the weekly and the defence of press freedom.

But, you know, we're to believe that anyone who protests the US occupation is a terrorist. It's that whole "nuance" thing.

Or is it just that Shi'as don't count?

Wait, is it smug to discount all of the voices of discontent and latch on to the one voice that agrees with you? No one is arguing that EVERYONE in Iraq is unhappy, but a sizable and vocal number of people ARE unhappy. And that discontent needs to be addressed with diplomacy rather than force.
~~~~~~~~

more later. I need to eat lunch, and I just broke my self-imposed rule of not going there...

Posted at 10:33 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

DUCK.

April 2, 2004

Yesterday, Cole asked me "How does a duck hold a gun?" I thought it was a bit odd, but being as it was an isolated incident, I sort of blew it off without much further consideration...

...until just now, when Coley says "How high can a duck climb a tree?"

When questioned about his new fascination with ducks, he replied "I HUG ducks!"

I don't know that this child has ever been close enough to a duck to hug it, but I guess that's as good an answer as any.

(why are my children so strange?)

Posted at 9:14 AM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

Friday News Blogging, Take one

April 2, 2004

According to the warbloggers, even though Robert Fisk is actually there in Iraq (and they, presumably, are not) I'm not supposed to believe a word he says. But, fuck them, I think the man speaks unfortunate truth:

So, it seems, there are now in Iraq good terrorists and bad terrorists, there are common-or-garden insurgents and supremely awful terrorists, the kind against which President George Bush took us to war in Iraq when there weren't any terrorists actually here, though there are now. And therein lies the problem. From inside the Green Zone on the banks of the Tigris, you can believe anything. How far can the occupying powers take war-spin before the world stops believing anything they say?

~~~~~~~~

I agree with iain, a $5 million settlement does not even begin to compensate for the Tulia disaster:

More than 40 people arrested on trumped-up drug charges will share a $5 million settlement and the multiagency task force that ran the allegedly racially motivated operation will be dismantled.

[link via negrophile]

~~~~~~~

Where's nurse ratched?

~~~~~~~

Prometheus 6 prompts me to do a little Rwanda 101, starting with the links listed here:

This marks the 10th anniversary of a human catastrophe of gigantic proportions that led to the massacre of nearly a million people in Rwanda in the space of a few months. It was an event that was made all the more shameful for the criminal negligence of the international community, in Africa and beyond, to intervene - despite their full knowledge of what was happening. 1994 marked a tragedy that unfolded in Rwanda whose repercussions continue to be felt throughout the Great Lakes Region.

~~~~~

More later...

Posted at 9:09 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Thugs and Nightmares

April 2, 2004

I don't know if it was due to my foray into small victory-land or the fact that I've been watching the Sopranos a lot lately (actually, there are probably more similarities between the two activities than differences) but I had a nightmare last night, so I'm taking a break from both.

However, the entertainment factor of being told I'm "sneering" (I'm considering changing my tagline to "sneering into the keyboard since 2001") and that somehow it's not hateful to talk about bombing Fallujah into a parking lot - but it's a nearly criminal offense to SAY the word mercenary there (I'm not only a cow and a twat, but an ~~infidel~~ traitor for having brought up the fact that the presence of mercenaries in Iraq seems to be the reason for the violence, and perhaps we ought to think about that pretty seriously.)

The thing was that I really did go there to ask honest questions. I am seriously interested in finding out what a lot of the people of that mindset think about the presence of mercenaries, and how that is being responded to, and whether that's a response that we desire. Instead, I got one person informing me of the facts and his feelings on the matter, and a bunch of people calling me names. So, I guess that means I will have to IMAGINE what they think about it. And they really don't fare well in my imagination.

Posted at 8:33 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

This blog is a must read.

April 1, 2004

Kathryn Cramer

Posted at 8:58 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

We Don't Want Full Employment, We Want Full Lives!

April 1, 2004

^^^Living on Less

Workers are so defeated these days by capitalist interests, it's considered a leftist act simply to request that the government make some effort to help the citizens of the nation find jobs. It's considered a truly radical act to request a government policy aiming for full employment. But if you look at it another way, these demands are actually very conservative. A more radical -- and perhaps more appropriate -- approach would be to admit that the jobs in our society are disappearing and to begin making demands that the society be changed so that our survival, social inclusion, and social worth no longer depend so much on having jobs.

Perhaps if people weren't so busy worrying about and competing for employment, we could all spend a little more time figuring out how to create a society in which wars are unnecessary and terrorism is nonexistent.

But, I guess it's far more important to do menial labor. Yeah. Thinking is for lazy nogoodniks.

Posted at 3:57 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Mercenaries are not Civilians

April 1, 2004

Just to bring this post by zagg out from the comments and onto the main page...

...and to add, it's depressing that anyone - military, civilian, mercenary, or whatever - is getting killed in Iraq, but it only adds to the depression factor when you think about all of the fucking deception that goes on around it. I can't abide by it. If our government is so fucking sure that what it was doing is the right thing and the majority of Americans will support it, then they should MAKE SURE all of the facts are being released to the public, rather than supressing truth and encouraging obfuscation.

Posted at 3:09 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

I am so fortunate

April 1, 2004

There's an undeniable degree of privilege that allows me to go out in the middle of the day and fly kites at the playground with my children for 2 hours. I'm certainly not denying it, nor am I denying the fact that I really needed the break.

I'm finding that I have the hardest time allowing myself to take advantage of this tremendous freedom that I have - the freedom to roam around in the afternoon, unencumbered by work. Too often, I forgo the fun things to stay home and clean. The irony being that the more we stay home, the more cleaning there is to do.

My new spring schedule limits my cleaning and internet time to about an hour or so during the day when the children are awake. I can do more if the children are otherwise occupied, but otherwise once I hit that hour limit - it's out the door or on the floor, and they are my first priority.

Today is our first day back in the evil clutches of television, and I haven't used it all that much. I will admit, though, that it was quite a relief to be able to pop in a video for Coley this morning after we dropped monk off at ecology club, and now that we are back from the park, they are watching another video. The silence is golden. Perhaps my stress level was so high these past few weeks because the lack of the powerful distraction of the television. I'm not so sure I like the thought of that, but I DO like the thought of sitting here, staring out the window, and drinking a cup of coffee after having run around the park with the bat kite in tow for two hours.

Posted at 2:55 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

um, hello?

April 1, 2004

Bloomberg.com: U.S.:

``While it was dreadful, while it was unacceptable, while it was bestial, a preemptive attack into the city could have taken a bad situation and made it even worse,'' Kimmitt said.

Is this not exactly what has happened with the entire war with Iraq? Why all of a sudden is pre-emption a bad idea?

Posted at 12:36 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Long Distance Freecycling

April 1, 2004

I figure I might as well give this a shot before I go off to the thrift store and buy a bunch of stuff. I'm looking for some clothes for Monk and some shoes for Cole. Specifically:

T-shirts or other short sleeve shirts or tank tops - boys size medium
Shorts and pants - boys size 8-9
Shoes - children's size 10-12 (particularly sandals and velcro sneakers)

Coley is set for clothes, pretty much. I've just run out of relatives with kids who are bigger than Monk and growing fast enough to dump hand-me-downs on me. Please e-mail me if you have any of this stuff. I will trade mix CD's for any of it, but I also have a lot of infant clothes.

Thanks!

Posted at 11:30 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Why I Still Oppose War

April 1, 2004

I've been listening to the news and reading warblogs and newsblogs more than usual lately, and it has only solidified my opposition to war.

Yes, WAR. Not THIS war, but war in general.

There are a couple of things that I haven't seen mentioned in the media OR in the blogs recently, and it's really making me wonder if anyone is paying attention.

First of all, it is not a given that war is a requirement for stomping out EE-VUHL and ending terrorism. I do not believe that the war in Afghanistan=good and the war in Iraq=bad. I simply do not believe that war is the best way to gain security from terrorists.

Those who wish for me to explain in full detail how NOT waging war will work are welcome to explain to me in fine detail how war has worked thus far. And those who want to tell me that the war is inevitable and that is just the "way things are" should really please explain to me how in fuck the way things have been done to achieve the "way things are" is somehow a good model for deciding future action.

The truth is, I don't have a however-many point plan to save America, or the rest of the world...but what we're doing right now isn't fucking working. Or is only working for a handful of privileged individuals. The new currency for oppression is fear. They can't consign us all to a life of indentured servitude, so there has to be an element of fear to keep us scurrying about like little ants, staying in line, and arguing with each other enough to dilute our collective power.

The second major point that is not being addressed is the cost of war in pure fiscal terms. Yes, in general, the war has been and will continue to be expensive. The fact that we are still there trying to "keep the peace" is probably the most worthwhile expense, even though I still disagree with our being there. What I'm wondering is why no one has even bothered to question the fact that we spent BILLIONS of dollars dropping bombs on the same worthless targets OVER AND OVER again. Yeah, I know....drop in the bucket, yadda yadda...but we spent an awful lot of money on using extreme force to make a point that, over a year later, still hasn't been made yet.

If it is true that those who are rising up in Iraq to kill our armed forces and businesspeople are terrorists and not actual Iraqi civilians, this only proves that our tactics of shock and awe were unsuccessful, and have bred more violence. If it's true that those who are rising up are Iraqi civilians, it only proves that our tactics of shock and awe were unsuccessful, and have alienated people to the point of violent hostility. Either way, it was the wrong decision. And it was a very expensive wrong decision.

To be sure, the spread of non-state Fourth Generation threats, like al-Qa'ida, around the globe represent increasingly dangerous threats, but the forces needed to counter these threats do not require the large numbers of high cost, hi-tech weapons or the large standing armies needed to fight the industrial wars characterized by Second and Third Generation Warfare among nations. Nevertheless the overwhelming bulk of the defense budget, together with the current combat force structure and supporting modernization programs, continues to be devoted to conventional and nuclear forces designed to fight Second and Third Generation threats. Only a small portion of the defense budget is allocated to developing, building, and training forces for the irregular requirements of Fourth Generation Warfare, like the war on terrorism.
Clearly, current levels of defense spending are driven more by the legacy of the Cold War and the internal dynamics described in Part 1 than by the external threats we face.

Of course, our president doesn't "do nuance:"

President Bush once famously told Senator Joe Biden, "I don't do nuance." But the struggle against Islamic radicalism is a festival of nuance. It is not quite a war, and it doesn't yield easily to simple notions of good and evil, friend and foe. We need the limited cooperation we get from the Pakistanis, and we certainly need Saudi oil. Even those, like Graham, who see the Saudis as the root of the problem, are calling for little more than a public statement of the facts—in the hope that the Saudis will be shamed into modifying their dreadful behavior. Bush has called for even less. His war of choice has featured lots of bombs and boots, lots of highfalutin moral rhetoric and patriotic visuals, but absolutely no public sacrifice—no steps to make America less dependent on Saudi oil; not even the taxes needed to pay for the occupation of Iraq. He is having trouble defending his dangerously simple policies, for good reason.

Hm...I wonder what would happen if I told my boss I don't "do" outreach...The fact is that NUANCE is a freaking REQUIREMENT of the job of president.

And there's still the horrendous and tragic loss of human lives. On Michele's blog the other day, there was an argument that sprang up about the body count of Iraqi civilians who have died in the war thus far, and those who were arguing for the war were careful to try to exclude Iraqi soldiers from the total count. Why? Are the soldiers in Iraq somehow subhuman? How is it any different for a soldier from another country to die? How is it any less tragic? Certainly, the soldiers aren't the ones who are at fault, any more than our soldiers are - so why on earth would it make you feel better to quibble over whether they warrant a tick mark on the body count meter or not. Why would we have to take pains to differentiate?

Of course, according to Michele, *I'm* the hateful one. Me and "my kind" (as Monk would say.) I'm the hateful one, but she has people responding to yesterday's violence by saying "Rope it off. 24 hour warning, then bomb it into a parking lot. Pieces of shit." (I'm assuming this person is talking about Iraq and not Michele's blog, although the latter is an intriguing idea, and far less hateful and violent.) and "I am with you, Bob..if it's us or them..I pick them. Carpet bomb the damn place." Somehow THAT is acceptable, but referring to the Bush administration as "the Bushies" is on par with a freaking hate crime or some shit.

What people aren't seeing is that war is still pointless. War is still DE-evolutionary. War is divisive by its very nature - on all fronts. And, as far as I've seen historically and in the present, war is waged by the wealthy elite for purposes that are drastically different from the excuse that is given to those who ultimately have to sacrifice for it.

I oppose war because I'm tired of the lies. I'm tired of the killing. I'm tired of the fucking circular arguments. I oppose war because, as a parent, I have brainwashed myself into believing that you don't hit someone to get your way, even if the other person hit you first. I oppose war because it doesn't make any sense. I oppose war because I love people, and I believe that all people are inherently good...

even those dimwit commenters at A Small Victory. HA!

Posted at 8:19 AM • Comments (5) • TrackBack