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Blogging about Blogging, and my life.

May 31, 2004

I just looked back at the last week's blog entries, and I realized I haven't been writing a lot. In general, for the past few months, I feel like that's the case here. I'll link and throw a comment in or maybe write about my day, but I haven't really been able to muster the energy to write with any detail about anything.

I think, too, I freaked myself out a bit teaching that blog class. I was talking about focus, and looking at all of these really cool blogs with a specific focus, and I started to feel like my blog lacks focus. That it is, in fact, an excercise in complete and utter vanity and there's really no point. Blogistentialism?

Plus, the major events of the past week haven't really been things that I feel comfortable posting here. Things about the upcoming divorce. Things that I feel I need to keep private for whatever reason. I share those things (mostly complaining, really) for my livejournal friends.

But I suppose there are some things I can share at this point, since I've already shared them with L. I'm having him served at work. I felt like I had no other option. I didn't want him served here at the house while he was watching the kids because I didn't know how he would respond, and I don't (didn't) have an address for him. I still don't have an address for him, but I know where he will be living after today.

I felt like I needed to give him fair warning that he would be served at work. It was a risk, I admit. I was warned not to do it, but it didn't seem...nice. I dunno. I have this thing about niceness. I have this thing where I feel like he needs to know all of the options. Plus, I really have listened to everyone who has told me that "I know him best" and that I really can't take anyone else's advice on how to deal with him. I didn't exactly feel safe telling him, but weighing the options, I felt safer telling him in advance than I would have if he had been surprised/caught off guard.

He wasn't pleased when I told him, but he's been acting more reasonable since I told him than he has in a long, long time. I even ended up telling him that the visitation order was going to look like a decrease in the amount of time he spends with the children. This also made him angry, but I told him that "reasonable people can come to an agreement outside of that order." I told him that he hasn't been consistent and I felt that I needed to protect myself and the children from his inconsistency. I have no idea how that is going to work out.

I find it odd that after MONTHS AND MONTHS (maybe even a full year? But it's been like this off and on for several years) of not being able to say more than three words at a time to L without being silenced, I'm suddenly able to have conversations with him. Of course I recognize this as part of the cycle. It's familiar to me. But it doesn't feel completely safe. I know that at any minute (of his choosing) he will snap back and stop talking again. So I make reasonable requests while I can, and I raise issues while I can. And, while I do still care for him as a person...I am thankful that I will soon be severed from him legally, and not obligated to him in any way.

So, if all goes as planned, this coming weekend will be my first weekend in my house without the children present. I'm apprehensive, but sort of excited, too. I worry that Coley will have difficulty adjusting. I'm not as worried about Monk, but it's a transition for both of them, and perhaps I should worry MORE for Monk, since he doesn't really talk about how he feels about it. Coley's not afraid to talk about it. Coley's seeing monsters in the dark. He gets scared. I'm almost certain that at some point this weekend he will be returned to me. I've already told L that this is OK with me. I just hope I don't get a call in the midst of the Rasputina show.

Yesterday, I rearranged my kitchen. I'm not sure if I like it, but it's different, and sort of cool. I cleaned the counters and scrubbed the floor. I cleaned the toilet that was stinkiing up the entire house (the kids don't have very good aim). I imagine after next weekend, the house will be fucking spotless.

Or maybe I'll just read a good book. Several of them.

I will listen to music loud. Take a long bath. Walk around the house naked. Watch scary/sexy/funny movies. And miss my little guys madly.

Sigh.

Posted at May 31, 2004 8:53 AM

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Comments

These are all good changes Mama - even though I can only imagine how much you'll miss the boys. To have that line drawn, to have the legal back up to make L respect you as a parent and as a person - a big leap forward. I'm thinking of you. If you ever want to check in in LJ land, I use "shannongeorgina" there. Hugs again!

Posted by: shannon at May 31, 2004 10:26 PM

If you do miss the schmoes, it will be that much more fun when you see them again and you can be extra excited to be together.

Good luck with everything. You're in my thoughts, comme toujours.

Posted by: susan at June 1, 2004 8:35 AM