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my so-called life

June 30, 2004

I'm almost all the way through the 4th season of The Sopranos, and some dweeb has I think stolen the last dvd from the video store I go to. So i've temporarily switched to My So-Called life for late night viewing pleasures.

I remember watching this show sporadically when it first came out. I've never been a huge fan of television, so I certainly didn't see all of the episodes. I'm sure I totally made fun of it when it was out. But I think I was missing out. I think this show is actually really well done. And I think the Angela Chase character is very cool.

I can't stand the mom, though. Does she really ALWAYS have to be complaining about something? Does that dad HAVE to be that freaking clueless? Watching the parents interact makes me never ever want to get married again.

An Actual Quote from Monk

June 30, 2004

(age 7)

"When you were my age, you weren't familiar with the technique of the wooden spoon, either...were you?"

(because he wanted seconds of pasta, and he wanted me to get them for him, since he's "not familiar with the technique of the wooden spoon.")

2 links from 2 sources

June 30, 2004

www.mnftiu.cc | get your war on | page thirty-seven

[link via zagg

No RNC Poster Project

[link via shameless agitator

Coley on The Womb

June 30, 2004

Coley woke up this morning full of questions and observations about mama and papa. First he told me that he wished I could "grow into a papa." Then he told me that he wished papa would "Grow into a mama."

I surmised that maybe it was difficult for him to switch between mama and papa - being at mama's house all day, and spending time with papa in the evenings. I told him that it was OK to just enjoy wherever he was and whoever he was with, and he doesn't have to choose which one he likes better.

He told me he liked me better because he came out of me. So we started talking about birth. I asked Coley if he remembered what it felt like to be in mama's uterus, and he produced this gem:

"There was lots of mushy stuff, and it smelled like skin."

Honored

June 30, 2004

I got a really cool e-mail yesterday. An invitation to join a blog. And I am totally honored, but I'm not sure if I can accept the invitation.

First of all, I feel like a TOTAL nerd that I'm spending so much time turning this over in my head. I participate in several group blogs, and it seems like every time I'm asked to participate in something, it takes me longer and longer to reach a decision about whether I SHOULD participate. And I'm sure it's not as big a deal as I make it out to be.

But this blog would be a challenge for me. It's a cross-platform debate blog, and I would be representing an ideology. The advantage is that I'd be given a topic when it's my turn to participate, the disadvantage is that I would have to debate with someone who holds an opposing viewpoint.

That's sort of stressfull to me, but it's also an exciting opportunity to practice a writing skill I would normally not choose to practice, you know? So, I'm thinking about it. I'm also thinking about the emotional impact of having my words examined and criticized. Because I'm sensitive like that, and I'm not sure I could deal.

Gah. I'm such a total nerd, you know? I'm sure the person who invited me to join wasn't expecting to throw me into an existential crisis over it...but see where I am lately? I can't even respond to a simple invitation without mulling over it for DAYS. What the fuck is up with that?

Anyway, either way, I'm totally honored to have been considered at all. I'd link to the site, but I dunno if i'm supposed to be talking about it, and I don't want to spoil it for anyone.

domesticity

June 29, 2004

We are having such an awesome day here. I just spent the last hour scouring my grout with baking soda, all the while answering the 10 million questions Monk was firing at me about various financial issues (we ironed out a plan for his allowance which he will start receiving in July, now that money is no longer mysteriously disappearing from this house.) Cole was (and still is) playing with a blog of flourescent pink play-doh. He made a worm and told me he wanted it to come alive so he could name it Cole The Worm and be its best friend. But then Cole The Worm became evil, so Coley had to smush him.

I think i'm going to write a book (I'm adding this idea to my piles of ideas about books I want to write) about my particular/peculiar method of prioritizing household chores. Along the lines of flylady, but a bit more random and left to chance. And I don't want to reveal anything more than that because i really do think it's a truly unique plan, and I don't want anyone stealing my idea. But in the book, I'll also include the various recipes for household cleaners I've found along the way. Because, damnit, baking soda works as well as comet, without the toxic odor. it might not whiten as well as bleach, but I can breathe. And i think breathing is pretty darn crucial.

The homeschooling thing has gone well these past few days. The kids are busy inventing things and occupying themselves. I feel damn lazy in the midst of it all, because they've been so involved in their little projects that i've been able to sit back and cruise blogs or do housecleaning or (gasp) read books while they make their delightful little kid noises all around me.

Today, Monk wanted to do an experiment with one of his hot wheels cars. it's a helicopter car with a propellor, and he wanted to wind a rubberband around the propeller to see if it would fly. When that didn't work, he figured he needed to make wings for it. So I pointed to the scissors, tape, and hair bands and told him to have at it. And stood back.

Normally, this drives monk into a frustrated rage. Normally, he starts screaming and crying and demanding that I do it for him. But I checked my reaction to him, and made sure I was responding proactively rather than reactively. Which means, instead of saying "i'm NOT going to do that for you." I just said, as nonchalant as possible "That sounds like fun! Here are the supplies, and let's see you do it!"

He did it! He cut out little triangles (this is a HUGE accomplishment for Monk, who has always been a bit behind the curve in terms of fine motor skills) and taped them to the plan and wound up the rubberbands, and when it didn't work, he said "OH well...It doesn't hurt to try!"

My little perfectionist is growing up! he's not throwing screaming temper tantrums before, during, and after projects. He's DOING projects! This is so huge, I can't even begin to tell you.

After he was done, he figured that the reason it didn't work was because the car was too heavy for the wings he constructed, and he said that he wanted me to write a letter to hot wheels and ask them to make that same car with metal wings. I told him that he should do that...maybe there's an e-mail address on the side. He said we could do that tonight after coley goes to bed.

Throughout it all, Bjork was weaving melodies through our home...coley was playing and playing and playing with his play-doh. The rain was pattering outside, and I was scrubbing my counters with my homemade baking soda scouring powder.

The grit of life is wonderful during these kinds of days. I'm so impressed with my little guy.

I'm sure this is an old joke...

June 29, 2004

But it's too too funny.

Ready.gov - Be Informed - Killer Germs - Visual Guide

link via Denny

here's what I'm wondering

June 29, 2004

i'm wondering if it's odd that it takes me so long to process things. I'm inclined to think it's just me, but maybe there's some sort of issue that I have that makes it difficult for me to deal with things as they are happening. Like on Friday, with my lawyer, I couldn't interrupt him WHILE he was saying things that I knew to be questionable, untrue, or inappropriate. Instead, I had to think about it all weekend to formulate a response, and I'm STILL not ready to talk to him about it.

I'm like this with my relationships, too. With J...the poor dear man...sometimes it takes me a week to spit out something that's bothering me. He'll know full well there's something up there, but it takes me a long time to find the words to discuss it. I try to take this into account and not, as I call it, charge interest in resentment or whatever.

What I guess I'm wondering is if this is just a natural part of my personality, or if it's a result of having lived with the abuse for so long. I'm unsure whether it's just normal thoughtfulness on my part, or if it's partly some form of self-doubt. I'm not afraid to be forthright in the moment on some issues...but much of the time i find that it's necessary to contemplate, nay, marinate(!) before responding.

This is definitely something i will be bringing up in therapy at some point, but i'm wondering if anyone has any insight they might be able to offer.

Thanks!

Mozilla Firefox

June 29, 2004

Yesterday I switched over to Firefox...or, rather, I downloaded firefox and have been using it. I've heard the hype about Mozilla and the warnings about IE for a long time now, but being on dial-up, I never built up the motivation to download something from home...so I did it from work.

I'm having two problems with Mozilla thus far:

1) when I try to access certain sites, I get redirected elsewhere...particularly to a site that wants to measure my connection speed. I've never experienced this with ie.

2) for some reason, the editing icons in movable type are missing. You know, the buttons you push to make things bold or italic...to add a link, etc. They're not there.

What's up with that?

Two Weblogs call it quits

June 28, 2004

Counterspin Central and this woman's work have both called it quits. They will be missed!

Homebody

June 28, 2004

i think it finally sunk in this weekend how very glorious it is to be able to stay home for an entire weekend. Granted, we went places - to the pool, to the video store, out for walks, but I have pretty much been spending weekends at home ever since L was served and is no longer taking care of the kids in my home.

It's very very nice. I've been able to do a lot of housework and various other things, and have not spent nearly as much money as I had been spending trying to entertain myself outside of the home. Going to coffee houses isn't incredibly expensive, but it's more expensive than sitting at home reading a book. And reading a book reclining on a bed is much more comfortable than sitting in a coffee house, surfing the internet.

I should write a book about the year I spent as a weekend transient. Planting my ass for 5 hours at a time at local coffee houses, doing everything from staring at the walls to watching movies on my computer to avoid spending too much money. It's just so much nicer to be able to stay home. Lounge. I think I was actually BORED a couple of times.

It's an adjustment, too. Since I'm used to eating out all weekend, I have frequently found myself battling the urge to go out and eat rather than fix something here. Driving around, I've been tempted to just pop in and get something even when I'm not hungry, since that was my form of entertainment for the year that I had to be out of the house on Saturday nights.

So, I need to consider in my budget that I will no longer HAVE to do that. I can, if I choose, but it's not a necessity or a requirement.

Instead, i spent all afternoon Sunday cooking, as I've done for the past three weeks. I have a fridge full of soup and salad and am planning to whip up some hummus tomorrow, after I've had a chance to cook some garbanzos. I always have extra to share for anyone I encounter during the week, so it's nice. I even cleaned out my fridge last Friday, so it doesn't have gross gunk all over the place.

Even the kids seem to enjoy it more. There was less arguing this weekend than ever. And there was less insistence on screen time (television or computer) and more imaginative play. We got into a rhythm for awhile there where the kids were really just playing by themselves, and i was able to do a lot of reading, housework, and cooking...and it was peaceful.

I guess I hadn't considered all of the implications of dividing time the way we had been. Today I go back to work, and the children go back to their previous visitation schedule. I am curious as to how that will impact the tranquility we have here. My challenge is to figure out, if there is a negative impact, if it's a temporary adjustment thing or something that will have lasting ramifications. i don't mind doing things in a non-traditional manner, provided it doesn't negatively impact the children. Provided they are able to adjust and find a rhythm and flow in the schedule we create for them.

Blood on Their Hands.

June 28, 2004

I'm looking for some information about diamond mining so I can rant about a PBS show I saw yesterday, and I found this: George Draffan - Directory of Transnational Corporations

Really interesting and useful information.

Processing

June 27, 2004

I don't want that last post to be at the top of the page anymore. It seems so...I dunno...pessimistic.

I'm still processing what happened on Friday. I am starting to doubt some of my decisions, and think that maybe I need to consult with not only my attorney, but my therapist. I'm feeling pretty sure about what I want, but I'm not sure why I want what I want, if that makes sense...and I guess I need an outside opinion about that.

I also need to reschedule my appointment with the child psychologist to hear what they have to say about the temporary schedule.

The thing that concerns me the most is that it's just no hitting me that L was doing his patented snake charming. He was totally TOTALLY reasonable, and my attorney got sucked in, and I think I did, too. I WANT to believe that he's going to come through with his promises, but he never freaking does. So I have to discuss this with my attorney and find out what the heck he was thinking about the whole thing. It seemed like he was on the same page as me, but there were some things that were said that gave me pause.

At any rate, what I need to do more than anything else is stop second and third guessing myself. I keep dragging myself out of this funk...and then I leap right back into it bye questioning my judgment and what happened. And any advice I get seems all wrong. But nothing in my head feels right, either...so I'm probably just spinning my wheels for no good reason, which I am prone to do.

But, here's the deal. The temporary orders are set up to evaluate the situation. To figure out if things can work out and to allow us to make adjustments in the final orders. So it's up to me, in the next 60 days, to really examine and evaluate this situation and make sure that it's working for the kids, and for me. And to take notes, as my attorney said. Lots of them.

It's over

June 25, 2004

At least this phase. We filed our temporary orders without getting in front of a judge. My attorney was able to mediate an agreement between us that I think is pretty OK on a temporary basis. My attorney then proceeded to give me some well-meaning but uninformed advice that kind of ticked me off, and I think I'm going to need to talk to him about it. But...we'll see.

I just hate being treated like I don't have a plan. Now that the other party is going to be at least partially responsible for some of the financial burden around here, I can put my plans in motion, knowing fully what I need. My attorney was advocating a pretty extreme measure for taking care of my bills that I don't think is necessary...and I need him to understand my perspective if I'm going to work with him anymore.

At any rate, this phase is over, and L is acting like he wants to go into mediation for the next phase. I'm open to that, but there are a few issues that I'm not willing to compromise on. I think my stance is fair, but it's probably not going to be agreeable to L. So, we will see.

I'm a little deflated because I thought I would feel more like things have been mostly resolved, and they are not. There's a big "what if" hanging over my head at this point. I'm struggling to find a way to view it as a positive thing, but I'm having a very difficult time finding that vantage.

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

by the way...

June 24, 2004

I have done none of the cleaning/organizing I was thinking i would be doing during my vacation. None. I keep putting it off, thinking I will get to it tomorrow. Well, Saturday is my last official day off, and I have the kids this weekend, all weekend...so it's not looking too good.

But the strange thing is, I'm not bothered by the disorganization right now. It all makes sense to me. I guess it's a function of not sharing the space with L any more, and not having to worry about whether something vital might get moved. I'm sure I will get to the reorganization, but it's no longer a primary need. Instead, I've been doing a lot of reading. Spending more time interacting playfully with the children. Thinking. Watching videos. Taking care of things like haircuts for the kids and minor car repairs. So, things are getting done, but it still looks messy and disorganized here. The dishes are done every morning, and I'm caught up on my laundry, so it's sanitary...just...in disarray.

Which is fine. It's just fine with me. I'm finding that disarray is perfectly OK with me.

Swimming

June 24, 2004

After L picked up the kids today, I treated myself to a swim. I think I've mentioned before here how much I love a good swim. I've been trying to get out to the pool a few times a week, and I've been steadily increasing my workout a little bit each time.

Secretly, and maybe I shouldn't be saying this out loud, but...I want someone to notice me. hahaha. I pride myself on my ability to swim well, and I work hard and focus on the technical elements of the stroke I'm swimming. I'm very thankful that I was forced to take swimming lessons and be on swim time during my formative years, because while it's meditative just being in the water and moving around, it's even more meditative to have something to focus on DOING while I'm in the water moving around. Therefore, when I swim breast stroke, I concentrate on the precise placement of my hands and legs, flexing my feet on the push and pointing my toes while pulling in. When I swim freestyle, I focus on cupping my hands, pulling the water back with each stroke, looking back rather than up when taking a breath, and keeping my legs together when I kick. These are all things I remember and have remembered for the last 25 odd years of my life. I was taught these things. And on days like today, they feel like the most valuable things I've ever been taught.

Today someone DID notice me. I was overjoyed! A woman asked to share my lane with me, and we ended up chatting. She mentioned that I looked so smooth in the water, which was nice to hear. In spite of all of my focus and concentration, without anyone to coach me, I still frequently feel like I'm flopping around like a dying fish in the water. I gave her some advice...and it occurred to me that I might be able to get certified to teach adult swimming lessons. I always balked at lifeguard certification when I was younger. It seemed like too much responsibility to me...but now that I have kids, it seems like nothing is too much.

So, it felt nice to be noticed, and it felt good to encourage someone. The woman I talked to must have been in her late 30's, early 40's, and she had just learned how to swim the year prior. She said she wanted to learn to do the breaststroke, but she only knew freestyle. She was in a car accident a year ago, and swimming is the only exercise she can get that doesn't hurt. She seemed nice...and it seems like teaching adults how to swim would be such a rewarding thing to do. Perhaps, too, it's one of those things where being a fat woman might help broaden the spectrum a bit, if you know what I mean. It seems like there should be more fat fitness coaches of one sort or another.

I ended up swimming 50 laps today. They're 25-yard laps, so it wasn't anything spectacular, but I did it in less than 50 minutes, so I'm pretty proud of myself. It was a good aerobic workout and I know I'm going to feel it in my arms and ass tomorrow. It feels so good to move my body. Swimming is definitely one of the things I'm going to be doing more regularly a year from now when my lifeplan comes to fruition.

Now I have about 3 hours before I have to pick up the kids. Within that time frame, the only thing I NEED to do is run to work and print out some of my divorce paperwork for tomorrow's hearing.

Hearing. The hearing is tomorrow. Again, I ask for best wishes, if you have any to spare. I'm thinking hard about what Lorraine said in her comment - about what I was thinking things would be like a year from last year. She's right - pretty much everything I had hoped for has come true. I've been realistic and I've worked hard to get where I am. There's no reason why this time next year I won't be going for a swim and coming home to write my novel.

much, much better

June 24, 2004

I guess I haven't been around for awhile and missed this announcement.

I think 100 dollars is a much fairer price to pay for the software than the 300+ that I was going to have to pay on the old plan.

The cynical side of me is thinking that perhaps this was a cagey way for movable type to introduce a for-pay product - make the prices seem UNREASONABLY ridiculous at first, and then lower them to a significantly-more-than-free, but not quite as ridiculous level. hahahaha.

Either way, I'm sure the other full bleed bloggers can kick in for the full personal license when the time comes to upgrade...right?

very very cool

June 24, 2004

S C R I B B L E R

I agree with P6...

June 24, 2004

This...I DON'T GET PEOPLE... ESPECIALLY IN AN ELECTION YEAR...is a good rant:

That's kind of cynical but to me on the outside looking in, that's the way the political system seems to work. I personally hate it. I've never thought Republicans or Democrats had a lock on the truth despite my personal leanings. Sometimes one side is right, sometimes the other side is right. The political system should be about hearing the best ideas from the left and the right. Having an intelligent rationale debate. And then picking the "best" one (Whatever the hell "best" means). We all pay lip service as if the American system works that way when it obviously doesn't. It reminds me of the handbook we all get the first day on the job. Their are all these procedures in there about the way things are "supposed" to run. Once you start the job you realize that ain't the way it is, no one does things the way they are in the handbook... and in fact the handbook might as well be written in ancient Egyptian for all its relevance

[link via prometheus 6]

Writing for Money

June 24, 2004

It's funny that in the midst of my fantasizing about my Future Life as a Writer (with a capital "W") I get sent to this post at Real Live Preacher

If you think about it, I wrote some words and traded them for a shop-vac. Is this allowed? Did the guy who pays $200 for an essay and I do something wrong or immoral? Would we want to live in a world where that kind of behavior is commonplace?

Thanks for sending me there, Trish.

Summer Mix

June 24, 2004

Here's the summer mix. I sent out the last of the spring mixes yesterday (except for a few of you in canada/uk). I probably didn't get around to everyone, but if you want me to try to send you a mix, feel free to e-mail me your address, and I will attempt to send it!

Here's the track listing:

1)Air - The Vagabond
2)Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds - I Let Love In
3)Air - Clouds Up
4)Spearhead - Love is Da Shit
5)Sinead O'Connor - Three Babies
6)Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds - Into My Arms
7)Lucky Dube - My Game
8)Bran Van 3000 - Carry On
9)I can't remember the name of this song or the artist, but it's damn good.
10)Cibo Matto - Sugar Water
11)The Clash - The Guns of Brixton
12)Spearhead - Gas Gauge (Tha World's in Your Hands)
13)Velvet Underground - Pale Blue Eyes
14)Macy Gray - Sex-O-Matic Venus Freak
15)They Might Be Giants - Stand on Your Own Head
16)Velvet Underground - One of These Days
17)Rasputina - Stumpside
18)The Knitters - The New World

It's a surprisingly good mix. I'm thinking about nixing the second nick cave song and throwing Artichoke by Cibo matto on there. We'll see. Opinions?

paper journal

June 23, 2004

Last night, I busted out my old paper journal. I think there are some things that I feel I need to record about my life that I would prefer to not have to record in front of an audience. Nothing major, just secrets.

Like today, I sat down to do a 15-minute writing exercise, and I ended up writing for 30 minutes. I wrote an elaborately detailed description of what my day will be like, morning to bed, in a year. In my fantasy world.

I dunno if I want to share the specifics. I'm still working myself to coming out of the closet as a feminist mama who would like nothing better than to not have to work outside the home. But, there. I just said it.

In my fantasy world, I would be making a living doing some writing as well as some training on a contract basis. I dunno if that's achievable within a year, but this is a fantasy, so I'm allowed that kind of license.

At any rate, my ideal day would be very similar to how I spend my days now, only I won't have to go to work. When the kids go to L's house, I will stay home and write. Somehow, staying home and writing for 5 hours a night rather than going to work will make my entire day so much less stressful. I'm not sure if that's a realistic expectation but, again, fantasy...I'm allowed to invent the way I will feel when my fantasy becomes reality.

The creepy/weird part of my fantasy is that I feel like I truly desire a partner in this fantasy life. Someone who lives here with me or maintains a space outside my home, but someone I can cook for, and with whom I can pool my resources, and of course have interludes of passionate, earth-shattering, mind-blowing sex.

Am I supposed to really want to be involving another person in my life "so quickly?" Granted, L and I have been through for a long time now...but shouldn't I be fantasizing about the peace and quiet that comes from having no one around who expects anything from me, and no one around to have any expectations of?

I've examined my motive for this desire quite frequently over the last few months. I'm sure some therapist somewhere would label me co-dependent or tell me that I have some pathological issue with men or women or aloneness or myself. But, you know what? I just have a lot to share. I so enjoy having an adult audience for what I have to share. Someone who eats my cooking, and enjoys it. Someone who craves my touch and becomes more calm and relaxed in my presence. Someone who makes me laugh, and who laughs with me. Someone who approaches the children from a slightly different angle, like light rays penetrating the surface of the pond to expose the little wiggling things beneath the surface. You know?

I crave all of these things. I want them. I have a very clear idea of what it will be like. I can picture it in my head. It will be nice when it happens. I'm not going to mark my calendar or anything, but I know it will all work out in its own time.

It always does.

Coley

June 23, 2004

The first words out of Coley's mouth this morning, as he walked into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes, were: "Are we in a nightmare?"

Why I haven't been posting.

June 22, 2004

Chris asks why I haven't been posting, and I have no real reason. I guess I don't have much to talk about - being on vacation and all. I had a good weekend last weekend without the children here, but I don't feel comfortable discussing the particulars in this space...and I spent Sunday evening and Monday with the kids and friends. Tonight will be more time with the kiddos and this evening will be more time with friends.

Nothing really big is happening. I'm cleaning the house bit by bit and preparing mentally for the temporary order hearing on Friday. I got some help in the form of money from my mom and my sister, and I'm ready to go.

My cat, Poe, disappeared for a couple of days, and i thought the raccoon got her, but she's back today. I'm guessing someone thought she was a stray and took her in for the day - particularly because she's suffering from her flea allergy again, and over the weekend she started to get all scabby again. I was planning to take her to the vet this week to get her a shot and some flea treatment, but now I'm worried that one of my nice, well-meaning neighbors may have treated her for fleas...and I don't want to double up.

I'm sure there's more that I have to say, but for some reason I don't feel like saying it here. Maybe later, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week. Things are good. We have a routine going. Vacation is nice. Maybe later I'll write a long post about how very much I would love to be a stay-at-home mom.

Anyway, hope all is well with those who are still reading.

Today...

June 18, 2004

i should be reading the news more. I really should. I guess I become discouraged with all of the Ronald Reagan stuff, and I just haven't turned on NPR or cruised the news sites since.

But tonight, the kiddos go to stay with their papa for the weekend, and I have a full weekend planned for myself. I hate to say it, but I've been looking forward to it all week. In fact, I've been afraid to mention it out loud, because I am worried that if I say I'm looking forward to the kids being at their papa's house, something might happen, and they will not get to go.

That would be fun, too...but fun in a drastically different way than what I have planned.

So, today...we might spend some time out by the pool, maybe at the playground. We'll do some reading. Monk has some workbook pages to work on. Cole has some books from the library we haven't read yet. I need to run by the bank and deposit/withdraw some money & make a grocery list. I'll go grocery shopping while the kids are with their papa. Sweet, meditative, grocey shopping.

I need to call my lawyer and let him know that I would love to hire him to represent me next Friday. My sister is sending the money I need to allow for that. Sweet, disposable income having, sister. Er, well, I'm not even sure if she HAS disposable income on a regular basis...but she does right now, and I'm so so thankful that she's sending me some.

Once the divorce is final, it is my goal to never need to borrow or beg money from anyone ever, ever, EVER again. These last couple of years have been humbling for me. I think I've successfully adjusted my lifestyle to be in line with my income, provided I'm not dragging people into court for whatever reason.

However, for now...I have finally come to terms with the fact that I'm just going to need to spend money on this. I hate doing it. I mostly hate that it's because of a judge's bias against pro se litigants that I'm having to do it...but I'd rather regret spending the money than regret messing something up in court or making the process more confusing and complicated for the children than it needs to be.

So, it should be another fairly relaxing day. Now that I'm looking outside, it's rather overcast, so maybe it will be a day spent indoors playing games, rather than outside running around. Either way, I think we'll all have fun here. i hope you have fun where you are, too.

Night Visitors

June 17, 2004

(note: Click on the images to make them bigger! Sorry they are so dark. I have a crappy camera.)

It's 4 in the freaking morning, and Bailey the Beagle is Barking (as usual) - only she's barking louder and more insistently and inside the house where normally she doesn't bark so much unless someone's at the door.

So I get up. And I walk out to the living room. And I hear a crash, like someone has bashed their head into my windchimes out there. And I'm thinking "Shit, there's someone out on my porch," because I'm fairly paranoid like that. So I get my phone and, thinking the crash of the windchimes meant that whoever it was has taken off running, I go back to either lay down in bed or look out of the bedroom windows to see if I can get a glimpse of whoever it was. No way I'm going to the door. That's what they do in horror movies! Right before they get axed!

But Bailey starts barking again, so I take my phone and dial 911 without pressing "talk" and walk to the door.

And there they are.

They were playing! They were so cute, but I really thought one of them was stuck, even though I know raccoons can miraculously extract themselves from the smallest of small spaces. But they seemed totally unafraid of me as I snapped pictures from the doorway. I knew mama must be close, but part of me was worried that maybe mama had met an untimely demise and these guys were cutely trying to become adoptees.

You know I'm just enough of a sucker to adopt three baby raccoons if I needed to, but these babies were old enough to be released somewhere after minimal rehab, I'm sure, so I wasn't even really thinking about how I was going to house them...I was thinking about whether or not they would be there in the morning so I could call an animal rescue place.

At any rate, I watched them for a bit, and then I went to post that picture and charge up my camera, and Bailey started barking again, so I went out to the porch and saw mama raccoon and another baby. They were probably eating the catfood when they were disturbed by the raucus barking of ms. Bailey.

The babies, at this point, were sitting all in a cute little row on the mailbox, chattering away with mama. My cat made an appearance and sort of sat in the middle of the reunion. I was tasked with helping to reunite babies with mama without getting my cat's ass kicked in the process. She WOULD. NOT. BUDGE. Damn stubborn cat! Mama was looking none-too-pleased about it.

One of the babies fell off of the mailbox and scrambled towards mama, doing a little tippy-toe dance around the cat, who made a delinquent overture towards defending her cat food. I was trying desperately to shoo the cat out of the way so she didn't get attacked by mama or even one of the babies, as the babies were about as big as the cat. One thing about Poe...she's sort of bad ass. She wasn't going ANYWHERE. And I didn't want to scare the babies any more than they already were.

I think I finally managed to get Poe to at least come closer to me, and another baby scrambled off the mailbox to mama. Mama gave a final chatter at the remaining baby and ran off across the street with her three bravest. The remaining baby watched them go, and chattered forlornly. I finally just went out and shooed the damn cat away, but it still took the baby a long time to figure out how to get down from the mailbox. The others had just allowed themselves to fall, but this baby was a bit more discriminating about the exit she was making...she found a way to crawl down feet first, and scrambled off into the night. The others weren't in sight, but I'm sure they were all together, chattering gleefully about their merry adventure...and I'm sure the self-conscious one met up with them shortly after I closed the door and went back to bed.

This whole episode lasted about 30 minutes. I was back in bed by 4:30. And if I hadn't taken pictures, I might have been able to convince myself it was all a dream.

But I think it's a good omen to have wild creatures hanging out on my front porch. And I believe in good omens. And I can use all of the good omens I can get.

AWwwww...

June 17, 2004

(click to make bigger)

look who came for a visit last night. There were a total of 4 babies and one big mama. I'll write the story later, after I've had some sleep.

Research...

June 16, 2004

You know, the idea of becoming a paralegal or research person (in any field) is becoming appealing to me (pardon the pun). I have just spent the last 2 hours poring over various divorce/custody disputes involving homeschooling.

It doesn't look good for Mr. L to prove his case that the children should be in public school. I think he believes that the children have no curriculum and don't do any schoolwork. Um, no. While I fully agree, philisophically, with the concept of unschooling...I am not a purist by any measure. Each day of the week we focus on a different subject, and the children are encouraged to read, write, learn within that subject area for the day.

The law in Texas is that the children be taught math, reading, spelling, grammar and good citizenship. On any given day, we quiz each other, play games (tally money/scores), do mazes and puzzles, play computer games, read books, write in our journal, paint pictures, go on nature hikes, discuss conservation, have philisophical conversations, take care of the pets and plants, visit with friends, go on field trips...and a number of other things.

The children have workbooks and journals, they check out countless books from the library and read them, they enjoy learning, they take initiative to figure out the answers to things.

For me to be denied the right to educate our children at home, within my legal rights as a citizen, there would have to be some proof that the children are being damaged.

All of this in spite of the fact that our one school-aged son is beyond the curve - Way beyond the curve - in all of the above-mentioned subjects. He might be slightly behind in writing, but I'm really waiting for him to feel more comfortable and relaxed with writing & I'm sure that will come as he gains more confidence in his physical capabilities in other areas, like baseball. In the meantime, I'm having him practice typing. I say, bring on the standardized tests...and i NEVER thought i'd hear myself say that! Bring it on, let Monk's abilities speak for themselves. At this moment, he's rooting around, looking for ANOTHER book to read (he's read two Goosebumps books since yesterday's library trip, and it looks like he's going to start reading his Redwall book.)

Putting monk in school would force me to get a day job...or else I wouldn't see Monk at all during the week...which would force me to put Coley in daycare, and would actually DECREASE the amount of time that L was able to spend with the children, as I would at that point probably request a standard order of visitation, without the additional visitation that he now enjoys. Not out of spite, but out of a desire to see my children as much as allowable by law.

Whose best interest is that? It makes no sense. It would disrupt the lives of EVERYONE. That simply cannot be done unless it is proven that the children are being damaged by our current situation. That can't be proven, because it isn't true.

At any rate, I have an appointment with my attorney today. The questions I have for him are:

• Do i need to have the attorney present at the continuance of the order setting hearing
• What, if anything, do I need to do in preparation for a challenge to the homeschooling
• Is it likely that once L finds an attorney, that attorney will flatly tell him that it's ridiculous to pursue this battle (I am sincerely hoping that SOMEONE tells him it's ridiculous, otherwise we're both going to stand to lose a lot of money that could be put to better use)
• Where the heck is my child support check and/or paperwork

I'm sure there are more questions...those are the main ones.

My vacation from work starts tomorrow. I will spend this vacation relaxing, enjoying, researching, ritualizing, preparing, detoxing, cleaning, romping, stomping, dancing, singing, playing, goofing, studying, thinking, meditating...and planning. All within the confines of my own, lovely, wonderful HOME.

This post has been edited.

Life with Monk

June 14, 2004

I'm telling you...it has been a perfect day. In fact, it's been pretty damn idyllic around here since...I guess since Friday. I can speculate as to why. There are a number of things that have contributed to the improvement in attitude around here, not the least of which is a consciousness about my attitude and how I'm communicating with the children. But I have to give a great deal of credit to Monk, as well.

I guess it started when he got in trouble at kate's house on Friday. While we were in court. Damn. The kid is freaking psychic. I just realized that once again one of his episodes of rage coincided with an emotional apex for myself and his father. At any rate, he was playing with friends at Kate's house when, evidently, he started to just become annoyed with them. His solution was to punch Cole in the face and tell his friends "That's what's going to happen to you if you don't leave me alone."

I swear I haven't been letting him watch Sopranos with me.

Kate responded to this by isolating Monk from the rest of the kids. She wasn't nasty about it...she simply put him in another room, away from everyone else. Checked up on him to make sure he had food and water, but made it clear that his behavior was unacceptable and that it wasn't going to happen any more.

Several thousand conversations with Kate later, it was determined that mama needs to really lay down the law around here. Not in a yelling mean way, but in a firm and, yes, maybe mean or at least not exceedingly nice way. The discussions we had focused on Monk's need for boundaries, and i could see that - I really could see him sort of stumbling around with his arms out, looking for the walls...trying to figure out where the boundaries were. And I could see that's not a very comforting place to be at this point in his life.

So I spent all weekend very consciously disallowing any violent behavior on the art of Monk. Not only that, but per Kate's suggestion (she's so fucking smart) I was conscious of my relationship to Monk in terms of birth order. I think me being the youngest in my family and monk being the oldest in this family has created a weird dynamic where Monk almost gets a sense of being in charge or being more responsible, somehow. I think sometimes his behavior triggers that youngest-in-a-family-of-seven syndrome in me where rather than trying to firmly resolve issues, I tend to whine at them.

So I checked myself. Funny thing is that Monk has been trying to help me to check that for awhile now. When I say "I'd like for you to..." he's been asking "Would you LIKE me to do it, or do I HAVE to do it?"

That kind of thing.

It's the kind of dynamic that can creep up on you, and I'm not saying it's resolved by a longshot, as I have a lifetime of unlearning to do, but it seems to have worked well thus far. After the event at Kate's, I made it clear to Monk that hitting or even talking about striking out violently was a warning sign that he needed to spend some time alone, and so 5-minute time outs were enforced at the first sign of trouble. I did 3 or 4 of those on Friday night, and he didn't fight with me to stay out of his room. He went there, I told him when it was ok to come out, and he rejoined us.

It's not that Monk has never had a time out before, but I think it's that my attitude about it changed. I am no longer going to bargain or negotiate with him. My word is final. I don't have to explain it any further than I want to at any given moment. Sorry to be a fascist, dude, but that's it. You'll just have to trust me that I will use my power for good and not evil, because I can't have a growing 7-year old boy running around walloping his baby brother for no good reason.

Amazingly enough, it really has worked. I haven't had to really enforce shit on him since Saturday. I say "Monk, check yourself..." and he either stops, or goes to his room. There's only been an argument about it twice since Friday, whereas before, there would be arguments several times a day. Earlier today, for instance, Monk started whining and getting tense about Coley "babbling." I gave him a warning that he was approaching time out, and he managed to pull it together and turn it around.

It's about impulse control. Partially. It's also partially that Monk has a habit of comparing what's expected of him with what's expected of Cole, and we had several conversations about age appropriateness of various things over the weekend, and worked our way around to the fact that a 7 year old SHOULD have more impulse control than a 3 year old. I managed to phrase it in a way that made it sound like a good thing for him. Something like "Since you are so much older and more mature than Cole, you are able to control your impulses better, so you don't HAVE to hit someone if the idea pops into your head. Cole's still learning to control his impulses, which is why we all really need to set a positive example for him."

Stuff like that. All weekend long. And he LISTENED. He not only listened, but he ate it up.

And today was really just a culmination of all of the good stuff over the weekend. At lunchtime, Monk actually gave some of his food to cole, rather than arguing about who got more or whose was better. He talked about how good it feels to give things to people. He THANKED ME for lunch, thanked me for picking his clothes out for him...at one point, he and cole were thanking me about various things for about 5 minutes straight. It was a wonderful thing.

So he's worked through some of the stress, but I wonder, too, if developmental advances have been occurring while he's been struggling with his rage. Because today...and actually lately...he seems to be making huge strides in logical thinking - math concepts that are actually kind of complex and involved seem to make total sense to him now, where they were a little more frustrating before. He's also PHYSICALLY grown about an inch in the last month.

Today, he spent almost all day engaged in learning activities. First it was our math game, then he practiced typing with Jumpstart typing. Then he was inventing a version of the game Risk based on Land of the Lost, using poker chips. I watched him play this for a bit, and it was a pretty elaborate game. I love it when he invents games, though...it's just such a great creative endeavor. In addition to that, he spent about an hour this afternoon playing space explorer with Coley, and gathering items from various planets to bring back to the space ship.

There were so many conversations today and over the past few days that have really impressed me. Monk impresses me. On Friday, when kate told me what he did, i was honestly very worried about him. Thinking maybe he was really suffering and perhaps pretty far gone and in need of serious therapy. That might still be the case, but for the past 3.5 days, he's been absolutely wonderful. He IS absolutely wonderful.

I'm such a lucky mama to have two wonderful boys in my life. How they have made it through all of this stress over the past year or so and still maintained such a happy, positive manner is a freaking miracle. They keep me going. They inspire me.

Guess the Dictator or Sit-Com Character

June 14, 2004

BAhahahahahhahaah. Trish is right, it's hilarious to pretend you are GW.

math baseball

June 14, 2004

Monk and I just had a blast playing Math Baseball.

He's kicking so much ass in math. I'm teaching him to break up numbers to make multiplication easier, and I'm amazed at how much multiplication he just knows naturally. I haven't yet put up his multiplication table, so he hasn't done any memorizing. I see the point in memorizing some of the multiplication table, but it just seems so much cooler that he's able to logically work this stuff out in his head.

Now he's working on his typing, using JumpStart Typing. Last night, he played for an hour and said "See, mom...it's LEARNING, but it's FUN."

L can bite me if he thinks I'm not doing a good job of taking care of their educational needs. Monk is an engaged and motivated learner. He catches on quickly and remembers well. We have enough structure to ensure I'm checking in on him on a frequent basis, and not so much that he feels learning, which he enjoys doing by nature, becomes a chore.

I've no doubt that homeschooling is the best option for these kids. And I won't allow their father to drag them into court for his own selfish desire to control MY life. If it ain't brok, don't fix it.

drooooool

June 14, 2004

Teacher's Store - On Sale

Shit, most of this stuff is more than 75% off. Has anyone ever used any of this material before? Is it worth it?

Um...I don't THINK so.

June 14, 2004

You're GI Joe with the Kung Fu Grip!! You're
strong, tough, and know how to kick some ass.
Don't forget though, no matter how manly you
think you are, you're still just a doll. God
Bless America.


What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

[link courtesy of Jason]

Dropping Knowledge

June 14, 2004

Found this article, We're Not Off to See the Wizard:

Our culture has more or less bought into the idea that going to college is just one of those things you're "supposed" to do. Increasingly, parents feel they are "required" to finance their children's education even if it means mortgaging themselves to the hilt or working crazy hours. Few ever dare to question this assumption, at least not in public. Yet, my wife and I question it and are happy to reveal our heretical thoughts to the world. It's not that we have anything against college per se, just that we see things a bit differently.

in the comments of a great post about college at living on less.

After reading that post, I started scheming up a way to create some sort of virtual learning circle. asf_del mentions that it would be good to make our own colleges, with facilities and books and instructors. Why can't we form our own educational communities online? Correspondence-style? Blogs and message boards and file sharing are great ways for experts to communicate what they know. It already happens to a great degree with art & craft blogs.

It seems like it would be fun and interesting to promote this...I have so many other projects right now, not the least of which is divorcing L while attempting to keep the mortgage company from foreclosing on my house...but it's something to consider for the future, and something that certainly must already be happening in a more formal way. Anyone have any ideas?

Oak Tree

June 14, 2004

We have two oak trees on our property here, one outside of my bedroom window and one in the backyard.

I've always appreciated the steadfast wisdom of trees, and I'm trying to impart that appreciation to my children. When things get out of control around here. When emotions are elevated and people are crying/screaming/acting out, I always suggest that they take a breather in the "big bed" and look out the window at the tree. Usually the bed is doused with lavender to help calm the mood, and the tree is always there. It barely moves in the strongest wind.

I think I've done a good job of convincing Monk of the importance of this tree. Lately, he's been interested in sitting beneath the branches reading a book. In fact, he woke up extra early this morning to do just that. Had breakfast under the tree, reading. We decided to start a new Sunday ritual of watching the sun set (or, rather, witnessing the darkening sky - as we can't actually SEE the sun set) and talking, telling stories under the tree.

It was a great way to end the weekend this week. Things went smoothly here, for the most part, but by the end of the day today, I was getting pretty frazzled. Monk returned from a visit with his father somewhat frazzled and hyperactive, and I was trying to calm him and take care of Cole and the rest of the needs of the house. Sitting on a blanket under the tree with the cat was an excellent way to unwind. Monk went into the house and brought us all water - including the cat. I told the children stories of my childhood.

I was amazed by monk's power of logic when he correctly identified where West was, based on where the sky was still light. Maybe that's not as amazing as I thought it was, but it did seem to me to be incredibly astute.

(as an aside, I always have to think of the song "Don't Wait On Me" by Alabama when trying to remember from which direction the sun rises and sets, and because the song lyrics are the opposite of the real rise/set points of the sun, it's always so jumbled up in my brain. But I know the last direction mentioned is "east" because the next rhyme is "priest"...hahaha. I can't believe I actually admitted to that.)

At any rate, it was a lovely weekend, and I'm really ready for them to be at papa's next weekend. I felt like I was able to focus more on them this weekend, knowing I would have that time to myself next weekend...and I think I'm going to have a great time here come Friday evening - particularly now that I know I will have air conditioning.

Speaking of which, I don't think I mentioned how awesome J is. The man labored for 2 12-hour days to replace the damn fan motor. And it wasn't just that he was doing me a favor, but he demonstrated the absolute yummiest degree of resolve and patience in taking care of it. Lesser men would have given up after 2 hours, and I probably would have accepted that as a fair amount of time to devote to a problem. J hung in there, and just provided me and the kids with the best lesson in patience and perserverence. He's my hero. He's so fucking amazing. I can't believe how very fortunate i am to have this awesome person in my life. He's my human oak tree.

Not only did he devote almost his entire weekend to fixing this damn thing, but he was totally patient with Coley, who spent about 3 hours late last night trying to "help" him. J didn't bat an eye, didn't act the slightest bit unnerved or impatient with the fumbling little fingers of a three-year old. J answered all of Cole's million questions and responded to him with care and absolute respect.

Can you tell I'm totally nuts for this guy? He's a gem. He's usually not here as much as he was this weekend, but his presence didn't seem to interrupt the flow at all. It was just there, intertwined with our activities. It was very nice.

And now I'm nice and cool, typing this. My back and shoulders are sunburned. I'm tired, but I'm going to doggedly hang in there long enough to watch an episode of the Sopranos DVD which I need to return to the video store tomorrow.

I hope everyone is enjoying the last week of spring...

Divorce Update

June 13, 2004

Is it Sunday already? It's been quite a weekend.

Friday in divorce court, L requested a continuance of our order setting hearing so he could get a lawyer. I objected, and we were brought up to the bench to discuss the emergency issues. L's was that he feels like he's not seeing the kids enough. My emergency issue is that, damnit, I need to start collecting child support from this man. Now.

I was granted support at 25% of his salary, and we set up the account that day. I am supposed to get my first check on Monday. It's not much, and I feel like he should be earning more, but it's a start. It's something.

However, it was a horrible experience dealing with him in court. He's hostile and embarrasingly unable/unwilling to talk with me on any level...and yet he somehow expects us to co-parent the children. It's bullshit. But anyway. He's getting a lawyer, and I called my attorney to see whether he would represent me. I'm going to meet with him next week to discuss the issues a little further. My attorney doesn't seem to think there's too much to worry about, but I'm feeling like it will be a little better to at least have him there in court with me, even if I do all of the paperwork and everything else. We'll see.

The major issue that L will be fighting me on is homeschooling. I don't see how he can argue against Monk's current level of knowledge. I would imagine if a judge talked to the child, she would laugh at L. And the state of Texas doesn't really have a very strict standard defining homeschooling...we are most certainly complying with everything that is delineated in the law. Monk does, indeed, follow a bona fide curriculum that teaches the basic subjects. We participate in a diverse community of homeschooling parents and children, and there are many witnesses to my dedication as a homeschooling parent, some of whom are professionals in childhood development and education. He's, in general, a happy, well-adjusted, smart, inquisitive child who is at or above grade level in all subjects.

And he enjoys homeschooling and would be traumatized by being sent to public school. AND, my schedule is set up to allow me to homeschool him...if he did not homeschool, I would not see him. And I am the parent with whom they reside.

So, it doesn't seem like it will be an issue, but I want to make sure. That's why I'm visiting my lawyer this week.

But it angers me, because there's no way L will win this battle, and he's going to waste a lot of money trying. Money that could be spent on educational materials and supplies.

And he doesn't understand, or is unwilling to admit that this is exactly why I am requesting sole managing conservatorship. I simply don't want this to be an issue anymore. I'm tired of him suggesting that my choices for the children are wrong, and yet not being specific about what's wrong about them OR what his idead of preferable alternatives are. It's all part of the abuse and control. And he has to know that I have documented numerous instances in which this desire for him to use the children to control me has manifested.

It's bad for the children for him to use them to gain the upper hand over me. I have no desire to do the same for him...in fact, I'm willing to inconvenience myself to provide the children with what I feel is best for them.

The other argument he has is time. He wants to go back to the old schedule of childcare that we were using when he was watching them in my home. I don't think that's a good idea. I've discovered through my interaction with my children and through reading about divorce scenarios with other families that dividing up the time between parents as we have been is an emotional roller-coaster. We all get along so much better when it's not split that way. This weekend, I have been with them since Thursday. This is the most time I've spent with them without another parent around since our road trip last year. I've basically spent every Saturday out of my home and away from them.

I have to admit, I was a little scared of having 5 full days without another parent to rely on...to spell me if I was tired...but it's worked out great. The kids and I have hit a real groove. I'm able to enforce rules with Monk that I have had difficulty enforcing. We've had some excellent conversations, and things are going very smoothly. When we hit a rough patch, we are able to deal with that, and there's a flow - there's a lot of time where the rules are consistent and the kids are comfortable. I'm enjoying being with them immensely this weekend. They really are awesome kids. I've known that all along, but I never realized how crucial it is for them to have this consistenct. I imagine it's the same when L has them for a chunk of time.

But we decided in court that we would work out a temporary schedule of visitation, and then we'd talk to some child psychology experts about coming up with a schedule that works for our family. i hope L is smart enough to realize that the court shouldn't make that decision for us. I tried telling him that it's too much on an inconvenience for me to find childcare for me to do this just for the sake of pissing him off. I hope somewhere in there he's listening. I never know, though.

So, I think things went well...and I think things will go better. The hearing has been reset for 2 weeks from now. I'm taking some time off work around then to get things in order like the paperwork and arranging for regular childcare and just spending time with the kids and really communicating with them to determine what they need from me. It will be some good time, I think. I'm looking forward to it.

Proposed Disposition of Issues

June 10, 2004

Is certainly a big jumble of words that actually means "what I got & what I want" and damn if I don't get it.

I just spent about 3 hours writing it up. I wish I could share it with you, but it has all sorts of personal information that I probably shouldn't be sharing over the internet. When I have time, though, I'll probably make up some dummy information and post it. That is, if I pass my final exam tomorrow and actually, you know, don't get kicked out of the court room for trying to submit my amateur paperwork.

Basically, the disposition of issues consists of a lot of budgeting paperwork. Figuring out what I need, and comparing it to what I have was an exercise in humility. I don't have NEARLY what I need, yet I've been getting by. I've been getting by.

One thing that has suffered in the interim, though, are the maintenance issues. They're piling up around me now. Car maintenance, home maintenance, and personal maintenance for myself, my kids, and my pets. The good thing about having spent all afternoon analyzing this, is that now I have a realistic budget for the coming year or so...and I can come up with a plan of action, once I know how much L will be paying in support.

It's also quite validating to see exactly what I've been holding up for these past 3 years...all on my own. I was panicking and talking to my mom (again) because I was worried that some of my expenses were higher than they should be. My mom suggested that I estimate on the high side. I was worried that I'd be judged (mostly because L, jobless though he was over the past three years, in spite of all of my admonishments that he generate some income, was always telling me that it wasn't that he wasn't making money, it was that I was spending too much) and mom said "you don't think the court is going to see that you've been carrying the household for the last 3 years? You don't think that's unusual at all?"

I balk at that kind of statement, thinking of all of the hard working stay at home moms I know who do not earn an income. Until I remember that L has been nothing like a stay at home mom. He watched the kids for 6 hours or so a night while I was at work, complained bitterly if I wanted to go to work an hour early or come home a couple of hours late, and "allowed me" to hang out by myself for 5-7 hours on Saturdays and some Fridays. The alone time was something I had to battle for throughout our marriage.

So, yeah...I'm fully aware that I need relief. That I deserve relief. But is the court going to see it that way? Or will I just look like the embittered, controlling, abusive spendthrift that L sees me as?

I guess that remains to be seen. I'm not going to know before tomorrow...and neither will any of you!

Thanks so much for the words of encouragement and support. I feel a lot calmer now that I have the paperwork nearly done. I can print it out at work and get back to enjoying a weekend with my children once the court hearing is over with tomorrow.

*deep breath*

Solstice

June 10, 2004

I know it's a couple weeks away yet (about a week and a half, unbelievably) but we are cracking open Circle Round today to read about the Summer Solstice.

The Summer Solstice is the longest day and shortest night of the year. The sun has grown to its full strength, and summer begins. Even as we enjoy swimming and picnicking, we know that the days will begin to get shorter again as soon as Solstice passes.

The Summer Solstice reminds us that nothing lasts forever. We do not live in the unchanging twilight realm of Faery, but in the living, dying, fading, and growing realm of earth. Whenever something is completed, we must let it go.

Because the things we love don't last forever, we love them all the more while they are here.

But letting go of things and people we love is never easy. The Summer Solstice is a time to practice giving things away, letting go of what is completed and done - whether it's our old toys, a flower, or a part of our life, like being a baby or a little kid."

The children will be with their father Solstice weekend, and I will form my own rituals of giving. When they return, I'm thinking we will write down the feelings/ideas we want to give away and burn them. I think it will be very healing for all of us.

Crunch Time

June 10, 2004

I finally spoke with my attorney today about tomorrow's hearing. I'm nervous. My attorney seems like a really nice guy, and he's really helping me out...but I'm not really paying him much of anything, and so it's natural that he's not always responsive or really informed of my proceedings. He seemed shocked that I have a hearing tomorrow. Almost as if he hadn't expected me to go through with it. Part of me wonders if he's just waiting for me to get frustrated and give up and ask him to represent me.

He did give me some good information about what to prepare for tomorrow. I just wish he had given it to me yesterday or the day before. Today, I have the kids all day and night, and will be bringing them with me to work. The hearing is in the early morning. My plan is to maybe give the kids some PBS time around 2 or 3 this afternoon, finish typing up the paperwork, and print it all out when I get to work. In the meantime, I'm frantically looking up legal terminology, trying to really make sense of it all. Paralegal by fire, I think it's called.

I called my mom today to babble ceaselessly about nothing in particular in hopes that it will calm me down. Thankfully, there's very little tension between us these days. I feel like I am going insane, though. Like once I get started talking, I get stuck in a loop and just start saying the same thing over and over again. She has been awesome about letting me vent and not interrupting me to hang up. J and k8 have both also been so patient with my ceaseless angst over this whole process. I feel like I need to bake everyone a cake.

Of course, she did mention today how disappointed she was/is that I never "got an education." Now she's all hot on the idea that I should become a lawyer. I don't think so. I've gained a new appreciation for lawyers during this process, but I certainly don't have any desire to be one. I know enough about the process, and how tedious and mundane it is, to ever wish that on myself. I am interested in learning more about law, mostly because I feel there should be some sort of field for "lay attorneys" - sort of like a midwife of law. hahaha. I told her that would be great and all, but I would hardly earn back what it would cost me to get a degree/license to practice law.

At any rate, there is stress here, but I'm breathing deep. The sun is shining bright enough to dry the sheets if I throw them in the wash now. The annoying motorcycle guy has stopped circling the neighborhood, revving his engine at ever stop sign. The kids are ready to be read to. The fans are blowing. There's incense to light and coffee to drink and lunch to prepare and work to be done.

I know I've asked for more than my fair share, but I could use all the luck and well wishes I can get.

Transitions

June 10, 2004

The other day, Coley was sitting in the kitchen, a little upset. I asked him could he tell me what was the matter, and he said "I want to snuggle. I want to sleep in the bed with you and me and papa and Monk."

This might sound like regular heartstring-pulling child of divorce stuff, but it's beyond that, because I can't remember a time when L slept in the family bed with us since Coley was born. He may have, once or twice on irregular occasions, but we were pretty much broken up by the time Coley was born, with brief periods of resignation, er, reconciliation.

It's obvious to me that the kids are having a difficult time with the new arrangement, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't want them to suffer needlessly, but I also feel like going to papas house every single night as well as every other weekend is too much emotional back and forth. In fact, it's really starting to feel like two nights a week, spread out like it is, is maybe too much as well. I hadn't anticipated this. I guess there was a false sense of stability in having L come here to watch the kids. They seemed to adapt to that really well, probably because it was their own space and it wasn't as much of a transition. I think Coley really did think that when L wasn't here, he was at work, rather than in his own house.

I wish I could continue to offer that stability. I wish I could allow L to come here every night rather than taking the kids to his house. But I really just can't. I was feeling more and more invaded every night he was here. I suppose if he was more respectful of my boundaries, and someone I trusted, I wouldn't feel that way. My mom says if I still trusted him, and if he respected my boundaries, we probably wouldn't be getting a divorce. I don't know if that's true, necessarily, but I might not be as anxious to get a divorce if that were the case, anyway.

Coley and I were sitting on the couch a few minutes ago. He said "Is this daddy's house, or your house?" He spent much of last night crying and screaming about monsters. He wet the bed twice. He even pooped in his pants, which he has never ever done. I know a transition has to happen in a divorce. I realize that this is common. But I had hoped to be able to come up with a better solution for my children. I had hoped by now that L and I would be able to communicate well enough to provide the children with an arrangement that would cause the least amount of trauma.

I'm going to hold on to my hat this weekend. I need to be patient, patient, patient with these beautiful children. I need to listen to everything they say. I need to remind myself of their courage in making this transition. I need to be open, I need to laugh, I need to be flexible and loving and caring. I need to remind them frequently that they are very, very loved - by both of their parents.

It's funny that Coley has chosen to have me read this book almost every night this week. It's about a little girl who has to take care of her baby brother after her mother dies. Her brother is not compliant, and they fight often. The little girl asks a wise woman for help, and is told that if she can pluck three whiskers from a lion, she will make her brother good. The moral of the story is that it takes patience, patience (Subira, Subira.) You can't pluck whiskers from a lion by shouting or raging or punishing. Gentle, calm, patience.

That's the ticket.

Green Potato Chips

June 9, 2004

We got into a discussion about green potato chips over lunch, and I found this factsheet:

mental_floss library

Chocolate covered PORK SKINS?

June 9, 2004

Listmania! The Top 25 Weirdest Items You Can Purchase Through Amazon!

[link courtesy of uffish]

Small Hands on Reagan

June 8, 2004

small hands

It’s interesting to me, the problem with eternal damnation. Because it’s never a problem when conservative Christians predict eternal damnation for everyone from gay people, to adulterers, to women who have had abortions, to people who are not Born-Again (i.e.,Catholics, Jews, Buddists, Muslims, Hindus, Sikhs).

There's more...go read.

Dream

June 8, 2004

Last night i had a dream that L rearranged all of my furniture.

I was mad, but there was a new couch in the rearrangement, so I got over it.

Breathing

June 8, 2004

Today was the first day L watched the kids without coming to my house. I left for work, and when I returned, the house looked exactly as it had when I left. It was wonderful. It's amazing how irritating small things, like coffee rings and dirty stovetops, can become. And it's amazing how these little irritants go unnoticed by the person who causes them.

At any rate, the boys seemed happy to see me when I picked them up. They seem happy in general. We had a good day today. The boys played and we all talked, and then we went to kate's to take care of her dog, and kate came home while the guys were playing in the yard. We chatted for a bit about some very frustrating and anger-inducing issues, and then I gathered up the boys and went home, where we played with a superball for a good hour or so before L came to get them.

After L left with the boys, I lazed about in the bliss of a quiet home. If my air conditioning was working right now, I so would not want to go to work. As it is, it's so climatically nice at work that I can't justify staying home. I mean, they will be running the air freezing cold whether I am there or not, so I might as well go and enjoy it. Even though all I really want to do is curl up on my bed and sleep and sleep with the windows open and the pre-rain breeze blowing in.

Speaking of which, I rearranged my living room somewhat and now my curtains are unimpeded by a couch. I like laying across from them and watching them billow. It won't be long before the air is still and dead and humid. We still have some wind now, though. I like the billowing curtains.

So, anyway, I went to work and commenced working on the blog class. Tomorrow's class will be comments/permalinks/trackbacks/RSS feeds...and how to promote your blog. No one really seems terribly interested in my little lectures...they all seem way more into just doing their blogs. Which is fine with me, but I'm determined to provide good links for each class anyway.

J dropped by and took me out to dinner, which was very nice. I didn't get to see him this weekend for various reasons. I think, too, I'm really having a difficult time processing a lot of my feelings about him. I can't say that this is not his fault AT ALL, but I can say that if my circumstances and experiences over the past however many years had been different, I might not be having to problems that I am having...and I think I would be having many of these problems with any partner I would have, although there are things specific to J that complicate things.

However, these things don't make him any less delightful to be with, and I was happy to see him. I know that I sound like I'm being terribly cryptic about this stuff, both here and with J, but there are just some things that I'm incapable of expressing right now, for various reasons, not the least of which that I'm suffering from feelings of intense vulnerability. I simply don't feel safe confronting people. I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and how it manifests differently in my various relationships. I'm blowing it off for now, because I just think I have more important things to focus my energy on, but it's unfair for me to continue to blow it off for very long.

Can you imagine, though? ME? Afraid of confrontation?!

At any rate, I went back to work after dinner, did some more surfing around looking at conversations about comments...and then went to pick up the boys. Came home with them, put Coley to bed, did the dishes and some laundry, and here I am with the rain pattering outside, writing, listening to music, enjoying my house that has for once remained static in the time I've been at work. Luxuriating in that, actually.

I'm tired, but it's a good tired. I might just curl up with the Bird and get some good sleep. I'm thankful that it's raining, that there's a cool breeze blowing through the bedroom, that the boys are here with me. Happy. And that I have all of this in front of me...All of these plans and dreams...and it's all mine to explore. Me and the boys. My sweet boys.

Tish Remembers Reagan

June 7, 2004

Fatshadow

There's a lot of sentimental musing on what a nice guy Ray-gun was. Perhaps. People are complex. No one is all good, or all bad.

Patriotboy Remembers Reagan

June 7, 2004

Jesus' General

I'm sure that the thirty-two women who, in May of 1982, were tortured, raped, and then thrown from helicopters by the Honduran Secret Police are sitting at Ronnie's feet as he spins his yarns. Certainly they're grateful that the Gipper's Ambassador, John Negraponte, lied to investigators about his knowledge of the incident, thereby sparing their families the heartache of knowing their wives and daughters were dead.

Cryptic Law

June 7, 2004

My order setting hearing is this Friday, and I guess I never thought I would get this far, because I have no idea what I'm supposed to bring or what the procedure will be. I'm trying not to be nervous...I don't think I have anything to be nervous about...but I'm, um, nervous.

The thing is that lawyers have even more of a clamp on the legal system than doctors have on the medical system. Almost. When I filed the paperwork on Thursday, I felt like I was walking around in a daze, listening to conversations that had no meaning to me. When the judge asked me what was in the Temporary restraining order, I had no idea what to say to him. He finally prompted me by asking if there was anything unusual that he wouldn't normally grant.

My lawyer gave me excellent instructions on where to go and in what order, but I just felt...weird. It seems like our legal system, which is fundamental to our democracy, should be something that is navigable for a common person. There were several occasions where it was evident that the clerks and other court employees were just irritated that i was there without a legal professional to guide me.

I'm not saying we shouldn't need lawyers...I'm saying that for certain things lawyers, like doctors, shouldn't be as necessary as they are. The information is easy enough to put together once you have a guide to help you, but looking for ANYTHING online is totally daunting. It's all locked up. Lawyer's sites give you a taste of what you will need, and state agencies give you practically nothing. It's bizarre. I'm used to typing in search terms and finding just about everything I need, and I can't help but to think that it's an intentional information blackout.

Anyway...after worrying all weekend about what the heck I need to pull together for the order setting hearing on Friday, I just gave in and called my lawyer. I feel bad bugging him for information since he's barely charging me anything, but I am just not finding the information I need anywhere else. I imagine I will go to the legal clinic on Wednesday if I can...and if he can't help me. It would be just so much easier if SOMEWHERE on the internet there was a guide to divorce that would help me. Even the book I bought refuses to even approach some of the issues I'm facing in my divorce, and really doesn't have a good explanation of the proceedings.

Ah, well. Another adventure for me. And perhaps this dearth of information is just a sign that someone need to fill in the gap with SOMETHING - even if it's just a personal detailed account of the process I followed to get everything taken care of...

Weekend's end

June 6, 2004

I'm cleaning my house with the air conditioning cranked. The fan's about to blow, so i might as well enjoy it while I can, is my logic. Plus it's like 95 degrees outside and humid.

It's going to cost me about 500 dollars to get a new motor for my fan. The woman who replaced the part said it could go any time, and it sounds like it won't be long, based on how long it took to crank up today. I'm faced with the dilemma of either replacing the motor on an old and not-so-energy-efficient unit, or trying to save up as quickly as I can to buy a new, more energy efficient one. I know I'll make the money back in savings, and there are all sorts of rebates available through the electric company and even through the manufacturers of the units themselves, but the cost of replacing the entire A/C system is like 3000 bux. You know? So it becomes what is feasible as opposed to what is economical or even what is ethical.

I can console myself by not running the A/C as much as most people or as cold as most people...but we'll see. My hope is that I can save up the money for a new unit before this one eats it. And my mom has said she's going to try to start sending me money whenever she can, which helps. I have no idea what I will be getting in child support, but I'd like to rewrite my budget and write in a bit of a household repairs savings fund. Or whatever.

My friend Rachel called from Germany and left me a message on Friday. I haven't spoken with her yet, but apparently she and her family will be in the states for a few months (?!) starting in September, and she wanted to know if she could rent the back room of my house. I'd hate to charge her to live there, but I could really use the extra money and/or the extra help. If anything, it'll be incentive for me to do what I can to fix it up back there so she has a comfortable space. Maybe there's some way I could turn that back room into some sort of temporary crash space for people I know...I dunno that I know that many people, though. At least not people who need crash space. At least not anymore. But maybe if I advertise to friends and their friends, I can find people to let that space out in a semi-regular basis and not have to deal with worrying about whether the people who stay back there are trustworthy.

We'll see. For now, I'm thinking it will be so fun to see Rachel again, and to have her family here. And, again, to have that extra motivation to fix up that room. That will be the first room to fix up.

I've had several minor little traumas all weekend, not the least of which is the thing with visitation. The kids are, evidently, doing fine...and they are due to return here at 4:30 today. I sure will be happy to see them again. It's strange waking up to an empty house. I think next time I will be able to spend more time enjoying the weekend and less time obsessing about all of the minor little problems in my life.

I tried to go see Rasputina last night, but when I drove by and saw the line that wrapped around the block, I was like "no fucking way." I really like Rasputina, and I would have gladly stood in that line if I had a companion to distract me, but to stand outside a club for 30-45 minutes by myself didn't appeal to me, especially since i would have had park my car about a mile away on a darkened side street. I guess I'm just feeling particularly vulnerable this weekend. I knew if I had been standing in that line with nothing else to distract me, I would have just started crying, and I would have been embarrassed, and it wouldn't have been very fun.

So I went home, and cried the entire way. Cried through Saturday Night Live. Cried myself to sleep. And woke up feeling refreshed and not nearly as sad, and went grocery shopping.

Blah.

Kate and I were talking on Friday. She's so freaking wise. Everyone, really, everyone should have a kate to talk to. First of all, she's very fair. She's made it very clear that she can't stand L for all he has done. HATES him. But she always always points out when I'm perhaps not looking at the big picture with regard to our situation, even when it involves relaxing some of the anger I feel towards L.

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that Monk threw a very huge, very unusual for him, temper tantrum on Friday. He was physically violent towards Coley and towards me. He's not incredibly strong, so nothing he did really hurt (although, had he succeeded in ramming his head into my jaw, I might be singing a different tune right now, probably through a wired jaw) but he was raging for about an hour-maybe two. Kate is the one I called when I realized that nothing I was doing was working. Monk was just following me through the house taking swings at me. He. Would. Not. Stop.

Anyway, after trying various things to get him to stop, the fit just sort of dissipated. We ended up snuggling for a good long time, and having some pretty decent conversations. And then I took them out to the mall to see the go-kart races and have some pretzels. it was all OK.

Later, I found out that L was served with the papers about the same time that Monk went into his rage. When I told this to kate, she said what I had been trying not to say out loud. "Holy shit, Lainie...he's psychic."

We talked for a long time about how kids are naturally tuned in to our energy, and how it's probably that he was picking up on Steven's energy and was very definitely receiving a lot of my energy. And Kate told me "Look, this is why you really need to relax about the kids being away from you. Trust that their papa loves them and is taking good care of them, and let them get THAT energy from you."

It was good advice, and I find myself thinking of it when the panic at having them away from me starts to rise. I breathe deeply and send them my love and know that they are receiving it, somehow.

Looking fine on the outside...

June 5, 2004

...but collapsing inside.

It may look like I'm calmly and contentedly sitting here sipping coffee. Alone in the house that I've dreamed of being alone in for years and years.

But I miss my kids. And L isn't answering his phone, so I can't talk to them. And I want to hear them around me.

I know this is probably best for me and for them, at least this weekend...at least every once in awhile. But every other weekend? Is that going to be good for me? Will I get used to it? Will they?

I miss them. It's nice to be alone, but I really, really miss them.

and in, um, OTHER news

June 4, 2004

Police prowl square as muzzled survivors mark Tiananmen massacre quietly

The only candles being lit in Beijing are behind closed doors, and even then it is far from safe.

"They threatened to take me away if I lit a candle," Hu Jia, a leading Tiananmen and AIDS activist, told AFP from his Beijing home where he is under house arrest.

Snakehairedgirl adds her voice

June 4, 2004

...to the conversation about birth experiences:

Crabby and loved by some

One thing I think should be made available to every woman are the numbers that the malpractice lawyers who guard over the hospitals and doctors see as the risk indicators? I think these exist. There are policies set in place based on averages and medians--the problem is that every event is it's own event and can't be judged on the average. If these numbers exist, why can't I see them before I give birth? Why can't I go into the hospital and say, "Listen, I don't agree with your intervention 'numbers' and I'm willing to sign a piece of paper that says I won't sue you if you handle my situation differently and on its own merits."

Of course, that's taking power away from so many people. That also means that every woman needs to be educated about the options available or have advocates to inform her along the way and during the process. It means she needs to know her body and be willing, if necessary, to say "I can't do this anymore. Help me." But it also means she needs to be able to say, "Back off."

Felony?

June 4, 2004

News & Features | RECRUITMENT-OFFICE PROTEST

At the precinct, Previtera discovered that in addition to the initial misdemeanor, he’d been charged with two felonies: "false report of location of explosives" and a "hoax device." "This was supposed to be more symbolic than anything," says Previtera, who never imagined they’d nab him for a false bomb threat. "I never wanted to scare anyone into thinking I had a bomb. I just wanted to make people think about international affairs." He adds, "I never uttered the word bomb or explosive."

I have nothing further.

No, wait...I DO have something further. If the people in that recruiting office were actually TRULY worried that this guy was making a BOMB THREAT...WHY didn't they evacuate the building? Why didn't they drag him off sooner? Why were people calmly walking by? Why the threats?

It's so fucked up, it's unbelievable. And if this act of civil disobedience is a felony, then I hope there are worse charges brought down upon those who committed the acts that inspired it.

[links courtesy of shameless agitator, picture from Boston Indymedia]

"politics"

June 4, 2004

Maybe it's just my sudden new freedom talking, but is anyone else sick to fucking death of hearing MEN, However well-meaning define what "politics" are?

Will they ever, ever, EVER get it? EVER?

[link lifted, in a roundabout way, from Ms. Lauren.]

I did it.

June 3, 2004

I marched my happy ass down to the courthouse today and filed my petition for divorce. My order setting hearing for the temporary orders is next Friday. I have a babysitter lined up, and I'm ready to go.

My air conditioning is broken, but I feel more cool and relaxed than I have felt for a long long time.

whoah...

June 3, 2004

I WAS going to make the argument that medicalized birth was the last bastion of unabashed sexism in the world, but then Rox and Trish linked up this orgy of idiot men and their fucked up ideas about what women need to do rather than attempt to educate and agitate for change, and, um...well...

danieldrezner.com :: Daniel W. Drezner :: Responding to the feminist critique...a comment:

Western women are over-indulged, spoiled brats, as the moron comments that these women have made on this site makes self-evident.

No wonder western women are losing the battle to Asian women. Western women really don't stand a chance. Asian women know how to be a helpmate to a man, and they are also smarter, more savvy about technology, and wiser at holding family and marriage together.

Western women are over-indulged, spoiled poodles who have absolutely nothing to offer, except bitching for more.

I dumped them long ago in favor of an Asian woman. Glad I did, too.

Men, don't put up with these women in your personal life, and put up with them as little as possible in your professional life.

I ignore completely just about everything that western women have to say. I intend to continue to do so. They have nothing to say that is worth listening to.

Yeah, really. It's much easier to silence and oppress women than to actually have to deal intellectually with anything we have to say.

I don't even know if that's the worst comment there. There are others about how we need to get laid - or how we'll never get laid - or whatever.

The fact is that these men really JUST. DON'T. GET IT. And, rather examining themselves for potential knowledge deficits, they simply decide that what they don't understand is unimportant.

Fuckrs.

I'll keep waiting for men to address political issues like childbirth, breastfeeding, education, and healthcare in an intelligent and informed way. Until then, my blogroll will be dominated by women bloggers...and I'll just consider most male "pundits" to be one-dimensional and, frankly, boring.

Pissed

June 3, 2004

this woman's work: Stupid doctors

So the doctor looks at chubby old Madison lolling about gleefully on the exam table and announces that we're over-feeding her. And I, of course, start arguing and she, of course, plays her "I'm the doctor and you're a housewife" card and starts quoting studies about "life-time obesity." And I say I've read the fucking studies (only I don't say fucking because that's a sure way to make doctors not listen to you) because I just wrote an article about childhood obesity and then she says, condescendingly with false sympathy, that parents often think a child is hungry and stick a bottle in the kid's mouth "and it may make then stop crying but then the parent isn't really meeting the baby's needs." I was livid. And suddenly horribly guilt-stricken because she's basically accusing me of neglecting my kid and I don't think I am but what if I am and don't know it?

Cesarean Rate in the United States

June 3, 2004

Look, I'm doing this research for the article and even though I'm already aware of how fucked up things are I'm STILL getting completely pissed off about the stuff I'm reading.

For instance, the rate of cesarean sections in the US:

In 1983, 809,000 cesarean sections (21 percent of live births) were performed, making it the most common obstetric and gynecologic (OB/GYN) surgical procedure. The second most common OB/GYN operation was hysterectomy (673,000), and diagnostic dilation and curettage of the uterus (632,000) was third. In 1983, OB/GYN operations represented 23 percent of all surgery completed in this country.104 In 2001, Cesarean section is still the most common OB/GYN surgical procedure.

Approximately 4 million births occur annually, with a 24 percent C-Section rate, i.e., 960,000 operations. In the Netherlands only eight percent of babies are delivered by Cesarean section. Assuming human babies are similar in the United States and in the Netherlands, we are performing 640,000 unnecessary C-Sections in the United States with its three to four times higher mortality and 20 times greater morbidity than vaginal delivery.105

The cesarean section rate was only 4.5 percent in the United States in 1965. By 1986 it had climbed to 24.1 percent. The author states that obviously an “uncontrolled pandemic of medically unnecessary cesarean births is occurring.”106 VanHam reported a cesarean section postpartum hemorrhage rate of seven percent, a hematoma formation rate of 3.5 percent, a urinary tract infection rate of three percent, aand a combined postoperative morbidity rate of 35.7 percent in a high-risk population undergoing cesarean section.107

Tell me something...if you were in a hospital, giving birth, and the doctor told you "Look, we really need to perform a c-section - something is very wrong and the baby/you will die if we do not do it." Would you argue? In the throes of labor? Would you take the time to whip out your charts and graphs about the inflated rate of invasive procedures in hospitals and pontificate on your aversion to undergoing surgery?

I seriously doubt it.

Because once you are IN the hospital, 90% of the doctor's battle has been won. I'd be willing to bet that just about every single one of the women who had a c-section last year were CONVINCED that it was absolutely necessary for the doctor to cut into her body to get her baby out. And I'd be willing to bet that for most of those women, that was a pretty severe trauma.

So, not only do we have the fucked up occurance of unnecessary surgery, but we have women being terrorized by doctors. Terrorized and raped. And it's bullshit.

When I left the hospital after my first birth, I felt exhausted and traumatized. I didn't have a c-section, but I was devalued and disempowered from the minute I walked in. I was ripped open vaginally to make room for the baby that was taken from me after birth without explanation and put in intensive care. To this day, I STILL don't know what was wrong with Monk that required a 10-day stay in the neonatal unit. I do know that there was no way in hell I was going to say no to them.

960,000 potentially unnecessary operations. Nearly a FULL QUARTER of all births. What the holy mother FUCK is up with THAT? Why are we not absolutely enraged to the point of rioting over this? How can anyone look at that statistic and shrug shoulders and go about their day with nary a bristle?

If I don my tinfoil hat for a moment, it's easy for me to make certain connections. First, the pregnancy: shuttle women into and out of examining rooms like so many cattle being branded, probed, and medicated. Then, the birth itself, wheeled into a hospital, disempowered, disconnected from the experience, medicated, sliced open, still medicated, sent home with free samples of formula.

It's easy to see why we, as a society, are disconnected from our children. Why it's struggle to regain a connection that was never formed. Because birth is a spiritual connection. There's a reason for birth beyond presenting a new baby to the world. There's a reason for all of the time in gestation and all of the transitions of birth. And those reasons need to be honored regardless of how a baby is brought into the world.

I say, if a woman would like to visit a doctor in an examining room for her 9-months of pregnancy, that choice should be available to her, but that doctor should be trained to counsel on the spiritual/emotional aspects of childbirth. If a woman, through choice or necessity, has her birth treated as a medical event, she should be fully aware of her options and she should be connected to the process as much as she is able or willing.

I don't know how to fight for these rights, because I don't know how all women feel about this struggle. Is it possible that the majority of women don't care that they, when they walk into a hospital to give birth, they have about a 1 in 4 chance of being cut open? Is it possible that I'm angry about something that doesn't anger other women?

Are we too deadened and disempowered to care?

The real criminals.

June 3, 2004

I just stumbled upon this article: Poor people and minorities are committing the most crime

You can also read this post at Living on Less.

Homebirth, cont.

June 2, 2004

I'm doing some research for an article I'm going to be writing about homebirth for OSPolitics or whatever other outlet will have it. I don't have all of my resources in order, but the information is compelling.

I've been researching homebirth as a personal pasttime for some time now, so I have "intuitive" thoughts on the subject and thoughts informed by fact and statistic. The problem with this is it's difficult to convince someone that homebirth is safe without research to back it up. I've probably never really read the research with an eye towards remembering the sources simply because I don't feel that it's my job to convince a woman to birth one way or another. It's each individual woman's job to make that decision.

However, when I see information that is not factual being touted as fact, I get frustrated. I get frustrated because we really only are exposed to a very limited amount of information about alternatives to the medical/pharmaceutical industry - and, many times, the alternatives are directly targeted and delegitimized by the med/pharm industry. I believe that homebirth is one of the many practices that has been defamed by industry. In Texas, there has been a concerted effort by doctors to eliminate midwives from HOSPITALS, and the insurance companies have long refused to cover the expense of homebirth, in spite of the fact that it costs much much less to deliver a baby at home than it would in the hospital.

I don't yet have all of my references in order (there is amazingly little factual information and factual studies about homebirth posted on the American Medical association website, but there's a pretty decent amount of information in this report by the WHO.) But what I've read has been eye-opening, even given the fact that I was aware of much of the information in advance.

For those who would argue that homebirth is unsafe, the statistics simply don't bear that out. ALL of the reports I've read list maternal/perinatal mortality rates as being almost exactly the same whether a planned birth takes place in the hospital or at home. YOu might find some reports that try to fudge the numbers by including unplanned home births and miscarriages in the homebirth numbers, but other than that, everything looks about even.

What's NOT even is the amount of invasive technology used in like for like births, comparing hospital to homebirth. I think the episiotomy rate in a hospital is somewhere around 90%, and at a homebirth, it's more like 15%. I tore right through to my anus after the episiotomy I received during my hospital birth, and I got through my homebirth completely intact with no cutting or tearing. My children's heads were roughly the same size, and they presented in the same way.

In addition, the rates of post partum depression and post-traumatic stress disorder are GREATLY decreased with homebirth.

When you find a midwife for a homebirth, you are evaluated as a whole person and determined to be fit or not fit for homebirth. The midwife takes your vital statistics and decides whether or not you are high risk, and therefore require a more closely-supervised hospital birth. Risk is taken into account at every step of the process, up to and including the day of the birth. Midwives are trained not just to help a woman give birth naturally, without intervention, but also to call upon the help of medical professionals when intervention becomes necessary.

Based on what I've experienced, on discussions I've had with many, many mothers who have had homebirths, and on my research, it just seems like the benefits of homebirth far outweigh the risks. The likelihood of unexpected infant or maternal trauma or death in a low-risk pregnancy is so low as it is that you really have to consider all of the other factors the make up a successful, healthy birth.

In the end, I'd have to say that I agree with the WHO study's conclusion:

So where then should a woman give birth? It is safe to say that a woman should give birth in a place she feels is safe, and at the most peripheral level at which appropriate care is feasible and safe (FIGO 1992). For a low-risk pregnant woman this can be at home, at a small maternity clinic or birth centre in town or perhaps at the maternity unit of a larger hospital. However, it must be a place where all the attention and care are focused on her needs and safety, as close to home and her own culture as possible.

I think all women, regardless of where they choose to give birth, deserves an experience that is respectful and empowering. And, above all, I believe all women deserve the resources to make informed decisions and choices about where and how they will give birth.

Haile Selassie

June 1, 2004

mermaidhips links to a collection of Haile Selassie's speeches and history.

Jailhouseblog

June 1, 2004

Lawrence Lessig is seeking help with an inmate blog. Details here.

Unbefuckinglievable

June 1, 2004

Prometheus 6 links to this news story. It just makes me sick. What the fuck is UP with people?

It's taken me over three years...

June 1, 2004

but I think I've finally figured out how to parent Coley. Basically, I just have to stop EVERYTHING I'm doing about every 30 minutes or so and go snuggle. That seems to make him happiest of all.

Coley is SUCH an affectionate and loving child. He needs a lot of touch, and he gives a lot of love, verbally and physically. Rarely does an hour go by where he does not hug me, touch me, kiss me, or tell me he loves me (in his dramatically emphatic voice.) I wonder how this is going to pan out as we continue on with homeschooling past the time most kids are separated from their moms for much of the day in kindergarten and beyond. In spite of the fact that he's definitely a snuggler, he can hold his own in social situations, and, oddly enough, doesn't seem to require much, if any, snuggling when we are out among friends. He's not shy or reserved, he just loves to cuddle and loves to hug and loves to declare his love to anyone who will listen.

As a person who is not huge on constant streams of physical affection, Coley's needs have been a source of frustration for me at times. However, I feel as though I'm growing used to it and enjoying it more and more as I am more able to establish boundaries with him and have him respect them at least some of the time. There are still times when I have to lock myself in another room to avoid being glommed on for a little while (there's a lot to be said for having good reading material in the bathroom when mama needs to catch a 10-minute break) but I have recently gotten in the habit of initiating this frequent "snuggle time" that Coley seems to need, and I think it's helped us both tremendously in asserting and fulfilling our individual needs for ourselves and each other.

Meanwhile, there is Monk, who seems to be over his phase of recoiling from physical affection. He frequently requests hugs, doles them out as rewards, doesn't get overly pissed off when I give him kisses, and enjoys snuggling with me and with his baby brother.

So, we're all just settling in with each other. It's funny how we grow in and out of custom with each other. We are all constantly changing (particularly the children) and we have all had to deal with a lot in the past year. It's interesting to track and note the changes that take place with everyone as they are taking place.

Day Five of the Blogging Class

June 1, 2004

I'm embarking on the second half of the blogging class today. I'm already trying to figure out how to flesh things out for the next class. I feel as though things have been a bit dry, with very little discussion and a lot of me demonstrating how to do things. I like the fact that I leave a good portion of the class open for them to explore what blogs are and how they can be used, but I'd like to bring them in more.

At the same time, I feel as though I've been successful in gaining the interest of the clients who are participating. It's a small class, but it appears that over half of them are interested in maintaining a blog after class is over. Two of them will be focusing on their family histories and culture. This is a tremendous victory for me, because it's one of my main reasons for offering the class in the first place. Selfishly, because I'm terminally curious about different cultures as told from a level of personal experience...and overall because I think that this kind of thing is what makes blogging so powerful - the ability to provide an outlet to people from all cultures who may or may not be represented in the mainstream media. I'm really excited to read more from these men, and I'm thrilled that I might have encouraged even the slightest amount of diversity of voices on the web.

Two of my other clients will be blogging about their hobbies, which are interesting hobbies that don't have a lot of representation on the web, as well...as far as I know. And one of my clients is an artist/activist who I think, once she gets her 'net legs, will have a lot of cool and interesting stuff to say, and I'm looking forward to helping her get there. And another client appears to just want to blog about his life, which is certainly no less interesting or important than any of the others.

Of the remaining 3, one is a network/security guy who wants to use blogs for the purpose of passing on information, another is a zany aging intellectual, and the other is a woman who is a regular of ours, and appears to be just there to form ideas and learn new ways to utilize her computer skills.

It's been a good class so far. I love the mix, and everyone seems to be enjoying the topic.

So, today...ethics, linking, copyright, google. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions - please feel free to let me know. Thanks!

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