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« June 2004 | Main | August 2004 »

Suspension.

July 30, 2004

It's Friday, and the kids just left for their weekend visit with papa. Whenever they leave like that, there's this moment - or there are moments - of suspension. I'm stuck between two worlds.

I just really started feeling that other world a couple of weekends ago. I was invited over to a friend's house for movies and girly fun late at night. It was already dark and I left the house and put my key in the door of the car. I had to look around to see if anyone was watching. As if I was doing something illicit and clandestine, leaving my house in the middle of the night without my children. It felt odd, and slightly thrilling at the same time.

But the suspension I feel just when they leave, and in the moments following is sort of a pit-of-my-stomach feeling. I know they will be back, and I know it will almost seem too soon when they DO come back. But for those moments after they leave, the weekend yawns in front of me with seeming neverendingness. Suddenly, all of the things I had planned to do seem utterly unimportant, and i want to lay down in my bed and hug my pillow and just lay there for hours, partly to luxuriate in my aloneness, and partly to mourn about it.

The suspension doesn't last long. I click into place, with all of the ideas of people that I have been waiting to see, alone. And places I have been waiting to go, alone. And things I've been wanting to do...also alone. The laughter and silliness and the rolling around merrimaking that occured just minutes ago are stifled as if a gloved hand has wrapped its fingers around it all. I'm still vibrating from it, but my energy is more directed as it is contained.

Any Austin Cat Lovers?

July 29, 2004

Got a plea in a comment to post this information:

Please pass on the info if you are in the Austin area... ::::

Ugh...The LJ Austin community journal recently went to moderated posts only. They've yet to allow any posts after 7pm to come through tonight. Mine is time-sensitive, so I'm itching. I have two Austin peeps on my friends list, and one of you has some cat link/networking abilities. If either of you want her before she's put to sleep, or can post it in your journal for other Austinites to see, here is the info (She's tubby and cute!):

-----------------------------------

The volunteers at the Town Lake Animal Shelter were desperate to find a home (OR A TEMPORARY FOSTER HOME) for a cat there tonight. Chloe will be put to sleep tomorrow night, by close of business. The volunteers tried to give her to me for Free. I've been at the shelter nightly for almost 4 weeks to look for a lost pet, and have not seen these same volunteers act like this before.

The deal:

Chloe was supposed to be put to sleep tomorrow morning. The volunteers got the front desk to put a hold on her until 7pm instead, because someone might be interested in her. Volunteers say they are trying hard with Chloe because she's so sweet, and are bummed that she's become so depressed from being there so long and don't want to see her put to sleep.

Chloe's photo is no longer on the shelter's website - but here's her stats:

- You can foster Chloe temporarily or keep! The volunteers will stay in touch, & help you find a home for her if fostered.
- FREE! Her fee dropped down to $20.00. The volunteers said they will pay the $20.00. You should tell the adoption desk that the volunteers said they would pay!
- No waiting period! You can take Chloe home immediately.
- Female
- Gray & White Snowshoe & Siamese Mix. Blue Eyes. Short Hair.
- Roly-Poly! 16 pounds. She's so tubby, she's darling.
- Has all shots!
- Microchipped!
- Spayed!
- Front Declawed (this means inside only & she won't rip up your stuff!)
- 5-years old
- Digs playing with her toy mouse
- She's become bummed out in her cage, so she doesn't come running to the front of the cage anymore. Just needs lovin'.
- They say her health is great.
- Her owner gave her up, because they just didn't want a cat anymore.

-- Must be there earlier than 7:00pm when they close tomorrow night, to fill out adoption papers at the adoption desk.

-- If you rent, they need to see a paper from your landlord stating it's okay to have pets.
-- If you have pets, they need to see rabies shot proof for your other pets.

If no pets - even better, you don't need rabies proof - just come get her. (Personally, I would lie my butt off & say I do not have any pets, if I was a bit behind on rabies shots & knew that mine were always inside ...but that's just me.)

Town Lake Animal Shelter's website & location: http://www.ci.austin.tx.us/animals/

Chloe's Shelter/prison I.D. is: A351670 -- She is in Kennel #AB 20 She is in the Adoption cat house, not the stray cat house.

* I'm in a situation where I can't take on a new cat - or I would have walked out of there with her tonight. The volunteers said they can't take anymore cats, Chloe's cage has Vet signs on it - no biggie, they had her on special food to try to get her to lose weight or something - they think the special food signs scared people away without realizing it's only food, and she is healthy.

If you get Chloe - please comment here! Would love to know that she's found a permanent or temporary foster home.

I hope someone can find this cat a good home.

An update

July 29, 2004

Well, I made it through the first week of the part-time job. I think I actually hit my stride with the beginner class that I'm teaching. Suddenly, I just clicked with the students, and was able to make jokes and laugh and everyone seemed to be able to breathe a little. I'm working with Senior Citizens, and I think the breaking point was when someone complained that they couldn't remember because they were "Too Old" and I laughed and said I was going to put a jar in the front of the room, and every time someone complained about being old, they were going to have to put a quarter in it. That even made my toughest customer smile, so I think I had them at that one.

Not that even my toughest customer is all that tough. She is a sweetheart, and it's fairly obvious that she is covering up some fear and/or insecurity by being a little persnickety about certain things. I dunno how to describe it, but I run into it a lot when I'm training adults. In fact, I'm probably guilty of it myself whenever someone is trying to teach ME something. That sort of attitude where if I don't get something RIGHT FUCKING AWAY it's more the teacher's fault than mine. All I'm doing to help her get through it is just being really ultra patient and walking her through things. She's a wonderful lady. I don't want her to feel frustrated with herself OR with me.

So, anyway, yeah...I've already grown sort of attached to my students, even though I haven't learned their names yet (I'm bringing in index cards on Monday so I can start practicing names). It should be an interesting 6 weeks...and I just got word from the boss lady that they might need me to extend my contract for another 6 weeks to bring this crew of beginners up through the intermediate level. Which would be only 2 days a week, and if I can handle it, I'm told that I'm welcome to teach again. Which is like, wow! That's a lot of nice extra cash. I'll have to seriously think about it for a bit, and talk it over with whoever might be willing to continue to help out with childcare.

But anyway, I don't have to wake up early tomorrow. I can lounge in bed and let the children watch PBS until I'm DAMN good and ready to get up. And then they leave for their papa's house tomorrow evening, and I will have the house to myself and NO PLANS on Friday. I'm trying to tell myself that I'm going to spend that time cleaning up. Do you think I should believe myself? Definitely on the agenda is watching This documentary on Dateline NBC. I might get myself a new outfit so i can dress up like a goddess for goddess night (did I mention J is the best. boyfriend. EVER. ? Because, damn, I do believe I'm being wined and dined on Saturday night.) Other than that, I'm open. I'm free and easy. And the house will be quiet. And I will be, quite happily, alone. Unless I can maybe call up J for a late-night booty call, after I've had about enough of the aloneness.

ERm...

But I didn't say that out loud, now, did I?

At any rate, it promises to be a nice, relaxing weekend. I'll be making pasta sauce on Friday, for lasagnas on Sunday. Loud music. Loud love. And maybe a bit of quiet reading thrown in for effect.

I'll even be able to pay off some of my bills that have been escalating out of control, because this is the month I get three paychecks. Yahoo.

I was hoping I could muster the energy this evening to write my 4 elements of a happy relationship, but I just don't have the energy to pull it off without making it sound overly serious. I mean, who in their right freaking mind would take SERIOUS relationship advice from ME?

I might try it later, injected with a healthy dose of self-deprecating humor. For now, I'm thinking I'm either going to veg out in front of the TV for a bit, or just plain go to sleep.

Hope you are well.

Goddess Night at Ararat

July 28, 2004

GODDESS NITE Full Moon Benefit for Ararat Restaurant July 31st, 2004

Reserve your ticket to our Dinner/Theatre Showcase. Treat yourself to a special menu... a three course Middle Eastern feast. Enjoy live music by Katie O, belly dance by Cassandra and spoken word.

YUM!

2 Down, 22 to go.

July 27, 2004

And I hate to make it sound like this second job is something that is incredibly taxing. Because it's not. It's difficult. It's mentally and emotionally a bit draining (it's difficult to stay patient with people while they fumble around with a mouse for 15 minutes trying to click on something) but, ultimately, it's incredibly rewarding and fun and, well, lucrative.

But, I really don't know how people do it. By people, I mean people who work outside the home for 40+ hours a week. My full-time job is a 32 hour a week full time job, and many of those hours are worked from home, sporadically throughout the day. It's taken me 4 years almost to stop feeling guilty about this fact, having come away from a job where I worked 45-50 hours a week, with travel.

I can't remember what that was like. I can't imagine what it's like to come home from an 8-10 hour work day and then have to be energized for your kids. And i mean that not with the "I'm so superior because I spend the majority of my day interacting with my children" trip I'm sure I've laid before, but with the "holy fuck, I don't think I could hack this as a permanent gig and I'm in total awe of people who do" tip.

Because, it's day two, and I'm struggling, and I can already tell that my children are going to be watching an awful damn lot of videos over the next 6 weeks. That's all I'm saying.

I have to say that I have mad respect for the mamas who are helping me out by watching my kiddos, too. The mamas, and the two high school-aged ladies who watched them today. I've got it arranged so I'm paying people 2 days out of the week, and making food the for people the other two days. It's madness. I'm sure I'm paying like half my salary out in food and cash, and thankfully I'm making enough to be able to afford that. But it's madness. Madness I tell you. And, really, I kind of want those of you who don't have chidren to think of the logistical nightmare of finding childcare for kids in order to work extra hours and make ends meet...particularly the next time you hear about "welfare moms" and what have you. Or the working poor. Because, it is. It's a logistical fucking nightmare.

Which isn't to say that I'm not having at least a tiny bit of fun with it. I seem to enjoy logistical nightmares. Which is why, when I finish with this post, I'm going to finish making the Morrocan stew that I got 3/4 done with on Sunday, and I'm going to whip up a bowl full of hummus and slice up some pita bread so I can bring it all to the babysitter's tomorrow.

And this weekend, I'm making a huge crockpot full of spaghetti sauce so I can fix two gorgeous lasagnas to bring over next week. My new motto? Will Food For Work!

MT 3.01

July 27, 2004

Adam installed the new version of MT last night, and it's really cool, but there are still a few things that need to be worked out. Pardon the commenting weirdness that has happened in the meantime. For now, I'm going to have to approve comments before they are posted, so it might take a bit from when you comment until when you see your comment.

Thanks! Take care!

Still Thinking.

July 26, 2004

I had a weekend full of thought and full of myself in thought. And full of apprehension and a little bit of dread about the coming week. And then more thoughts.

I wanted to write an essay here about some of the elements of relationships that I've discovered are necessary for me, and I might do it still, but I'm too tired to do it justice, so I'm just going to ramble on about some new thoughts and observations I've had about myself over the weekend and today, and perhaps these are things that others might be able to relate to.

This morning, J took the kids to Round Rock so my friend C could babysit them while I went to work. What was going to be a logistical nightmare for me (basically waking at 7, and rousing children who rarely wake up before 9, getting them dressed, fed, ready to go, packing lunch, getting myself ready, then driving everyone about 45 minutes in rush hour and somehow making it back down by 9 AM) with the help of J became an almost pleasant experience.

I can tell you now why I've had so much angst about family and relationships and needs being fulfilled. I can tell you because as I was on my way to work, driving leisurely in J's car (he took the van to avoid the hassle of moving the car seat. Because he's just. that. cool.) and arriving about 30 minutes EARLY, allowing myself time to psyche myself up to teach a class for which I have no curriculum in a completely different environment than I'm accustomed to. I thought about the ease with which J accepted the challenge of helping me. There was no hesitation. I needed practical help, and he provided me with everything I needed to accomplish what I needed to accomplish. And when I thought about that from the comfort of his car, I realized that L - the father of my children - would never have done the same. And I'm not just engaging in hyperbole when I say this, because I've experienced it. In order for me to convince L to help with the kids so I could make extra money, even when we were married, I had to "trade" time with him. Even when we were married and he wasn't working, i had to beg him to watch the kids for 8 16 hour days one summer so I could make an extra couple thousand dollars. I had to beg him, AND I had to hear belly-aching about it for years afterwards.

I'm not fucking joking.

And when I remember these things, I can't believe that I actually put UP with it. For so long! And, no WONDER i'm a freaking basket case. No wonder I'm constantly worried about violating J's boundaries. No wonder I can't believe that there aren't strings attached. No fucking wonder. God.

I need to be as gentle with myself as J is to me. Seriously. I need to be more patient, too. It's like, I'll be going along fine, and then I'll remember one of the many really tremendously fucked-up things that L has done that I didn't give a second thought to when it was happening, and it's like "oof."

You know? No wonder I feel so fucking unworthy. And needy. And afraid to admit that I'm needy.

So, anyway, yeah. I'm driving in J's nice car, listening to my cd on his cd player. The CD that has been in his car for months and months now. And that's significant. That's such a boyfriend thing, you know? he has my CD in his car. Isn't that, like, quintessential BOYFRIEND? And I'm really luxuriating in the whole idea of him being my boyfriend. I'm thinking about the time that my car was stalled out, and I called him...and he was there without hesitation. And I'm thinking about all of the little practical things he has taken care of without making any sort of fuss over it. And I'm in fucking awe. I have a utilitarian man in my life. It's truly an amazing thing.

Not to make it sound like he serves no other function, and, I mean, certainly I can take damn good care of myself, but I guess the fact that he is so damn USEFUL is what contrasts J so much with L, and what actually is causing a lot of my current state of mourning. Like, why did I spend so much time thinking that I was the only one who actually had to take care of stuff around here? And every. single. fucking. attempt. at trying to get some help was met with, at best, resistance, and at worse a complete tirade about how evil and worthless I am. There were frequent occasions where L made it seem like he was somehow building my character by refusing to help out with anything. Like the fact that I ever even ASKED for help was some sort of admission of complete failure to thrive on my part and needed to be met with yet another "learning experience."

And, of course, if I screwed up whatever it was that I was having to take care of...I was promptly put in my place for being a complete failure.

I think you get the picture.

So, I figured out, driving in my boyfriend's car today, that I need to enjoy this boyfriend thing for a good long time. I need to really FEEL the boyfriend thing. I need to learn to allow and accept kindness offered in sentiment and in action. Not that i wasn't appreciating it before...it's not an appreciation thing at all. It's more of an adjustment in the way I was limiting the role of boyfriend to some sort of casual affair as opposed to the full splendor of boyfriend-dom.

OK, I think I'm losing my mind here, but I'm going to post this anyway. And then i'm going to get some good sleep. And maybe tomorrow I'll write a bit about how i can't figure out how the average american parent gets by on only ever seeing their children about 5 hours or so a day...and maybe I'll also reveal my 4 elements of a successful relationship, which was my crackpot theory that saved me this weekend.

Later, later, later.

I'm feeling this one.

July 26, 2004

BAY AREA / 'A dire situation' for working poor / 3 minimum-wage jobs required for family of 3 to live

A single parent with two children living in the Bay Area would need to work at least three minimum wage jobs to care for their family's basic needs, while nationwide the cost of living for many is so high that government subsidies are essential for survival, according to a report released Thursday by a network of family advocacy groups.

[link via p6]

Blah, expanded.

July 25, 2004

So, I'm having some difficulties here that I was hoping I could avoid. Relationship things. It's the kind of thing where all sorts of issues are rearing their ugly heads at the same time, and it's difficult for me to sort through all of them to decide which of the issues are actually happening in the present, and which are issues that might or might not happen in the future...and which might be residual angst from my former relationship.

It's all a load of mush in my head, and it makes it difficult to truly enjoy the present, and it also makes me feel a bit morose and withdrawn and unable to really put myself out there in the way I like to present myself. Which sounds fake, and it's really not. I'm comfortable with the fact that there's the joyous, bouncy, exuberant dru in there mixing it up with the eternally broken-hearted dru...and/but, not to play favorites, but I really prefer the bouncy, happy me, even though sometimes to struggle to express that is painful.

And it's not that i want to suppress the morose dru. I LOVE a good cry. i love to mope around being sad. I even love wallowing in it sometimes. But there are times when it's just not convenient or helpful to express those feelings...and there are other feelings that are equally valid that I desire to express.

What makes this worse is that I've been faulted for this in past relationships. I've been called crazy. I've been accused of faking tears to get my way or gain sympathy. Fuck, there was a series of images of me above the men's room door at the local alt-rock club here that an ex-boyfriend made: smiling dru, crying dru, smiling dru, crying dru...etc. You get the picture. It makes me feel more than a little self-conscious about Just Being Me. Particularly when there's another person present while I'm going through this.

And I guess i understand J better than I thought, because...yeah, when I start feeling like this, I really just want to push everyone away so i can focus on one of the feelings without distraction. it's like I wish I could put my relationships with people on pause, so I can really feel and process things before moving on.

Right now, i have a lot to process.

There's a lot going on around mourning the end of my marriage that I really thought I had already resolved. But, since the issues I'm feeling my way through predate my marriage and seem to be recurring in my current relationship in a mild form, it's especially complicated. It all has to do with my idea of family. I'm all broken-hearted over the fact that my children do not have any ties with family, mine, L's...or just me and L together. And I'm feeling like in order to really resolve this issue, I need to create a family for them. For me.

Which, you know...is a lot of pressure. First, because it means I feel the need to define what a family is. Is a family a communal group of people with shared goals and ideals? Is a family one other adult human committed to me and the children? Do I believe in marriage and the nuclear family? Do I even believe in monogamy?

I have a very practical view of relationships as a result of much of this. I have an idea that I could very easily just find someone who is also in need of a familial structure who will support me and who I can support in whatever shared goals we have. And, too, I'm a huge romantic...so I want lots and lots of love and romance and adventure. But these two things don't always exist in one person - in fact, I've found, they are very rare. I had a impractical romantic attachment to L, and the romance couldn't sustain the impracticality of it.

So, yeah...there's a lot to think about. Meanwhile, my children are growing, and growing attached to people, and loving, and playing, and struggling, and being loved. And I, too, am doing all of the above and more.

If i could just turn my brain off for a bit, and use my senses to enjoy what is presently happening, all would be well. I'm hoping that in the coming weeks, with the new job, I won't have too terribly much time to think, anyway. I'm hoping that helps.

blah.

July 23, 2004

just. Blah.

That is all.

Gothic Gardening...

July 22, 2004

Something Wicked This Way Grows....

[link courtesy of evil mommy]

suck my left one, hoover house.

July 22, 2004

Just read this news story about a woman who was asked to leave Hoover House restaurant in Iowa for feeding her baby:

Carl Nelson, owner of the Hoover House Restaurant, on July 3 asked Iowa City resident Amy Schoon to either nurse her 8-month-old son in a restroom, cover herself more, or leave the restaurant. Schoon, who said she was appropriately covered, left.

Joy had this, among other things, to say in response:

Some women feel that they should be able to whip their breasts out and feed a baby regardless of who is around them. Pull the shirt off and bare everything. No blanket, no coverups, no nothing, because it's the natural way to feed a child. One woman even commented in the article that no one complained about seeing a baby exposed when it's diaper was changed. Well I would rather see a 3 month old babies butt than a 35 year old woman's breast to be honest.

I don't have much time to respond right now, but I totally disagree with Joy's take, and I'd like to send out a hearty fuck off to the proprieter of this Hoover House restaurant. While I respect Joy's right to choose to not breastfeed in public, I don't think anyone should feel self-conscious or wrong about doing so. The law is actually on my side on this one. Many states, including Iowa and Texas have laws that specify that women have the legal right to breastfeed their children whereever they are allowed to be. There's nothing in the law that specifies that a woman must wear a freaking blanket over her body in order to do so.

I'm so terribly sorry that some people can't deal with the sight of my floppy, milk-swollen breast. I understand it's not the most beautiful thing to most of the world, but it's beautiful to the one person who counts when I'm whipping it out for the purpose of breastfeeding.

People who have problems with the idea of women who breastfeed in public need to seriously get over themselves and examine what their real issue is. I've hung out with dozens of breastfeeding moms in my lifetime and have never once had an experience where a woman was waving her breast around in the air, demanding the attention of anyone other than the hungry baby. If that bothers you, maybe you ought to move to a planet where everyone chooses to feed their children synthetically so that there's no potential whatsoever for any natural processes will interfere with your view of the wet t-shirt contest.

Studies...an update (pardon the pun)

July 22, 2004

I just agreed to participate in a study being done by a major university here in Texas. I dunno if I should disclose the premise of the study or any other specifics, but it seems like an interesting study that I would want to lend my experiences to in hopes of rounding out the data. In other words, I feel like my situation, as it relates to the study, is unique and interesting. Plus, the study is totally legit (meaning, I did some research into the names given to me by the grad student I spoke with) and they will pay me (not much, but enough) for my participation.

So, cool. Now the trick is finding time to participate.

While I was being preliminarily interviewed for the study, I was asked about my dating relationship. The options I was given to choose from were on a continuum that progressed like this: "not dating" "casually dating several people" "casually dating one person" "in a serious or committed relationship with one person" "engaged to be married" or "married."

I had a tough time with that one. Which, to me, means that in spite of the fact that J and I have a lot of fun together, I am not quite sure if we are casual or serious. And if we're serious, based on that continuum, would the next step be, GASP, engagement?

It's a silly thing to worry about, and I'm not excessively worried about the progression of things. But what I am worried about is the fact that I don't know where we are or if our relationship is on any sort of continuum at all. The one side of me that rebels against defining things is very satisfied with this. But the side of me that likes to put things in neat little boxes with labels on them is quite displeased.

So, we'll see. It's just strange how this study and these questions were timed to coincide almost perfectly with my own questioning. We'll see where it goes from here.

middle east grand strategy in 60 seconds or less!

July 21, 2004

MidEastWeb Middle East Web Log - Middle East Grand Strategy in 60 Seconds or Less

Attention, world leaders: try MidEastWeb's new system for selecting your country's grand strategy in the Middle East. It's fast. It's effective. And it's free.

holy fucking shit.

July 21, 2004

Ladies and gentlemen, we now live in a world where politicians use terms like"girly-man" and "terminate them" (not to mention "bring it on")...and where musicians aren't allowed to be political.

What the fuck?

[links courtesy of Tish, who is somehow capable of saying more than things like "holy fucking shit" and "what the fuck" in response to this bullshit. Read her instead.]

Now Accepting Applications

July 21, 2004

OK, so, starting next week, I will not have my usual morning blog time, nor will I be able to stay awake into the wee hours finding links and posting thoughts. I will be working a second job to compensate for the fact that my asshole ex seems to think that everyone in the entire world EXCEPT for him is responsible for, you know, paying for the daily necessities of having children.

Don't pity me, the second job is actually pretty fun. But if you do pity me, feel free to paypal me, too.

OR, better yet, send in your application to be substitute Dru. You can be anonymous, if that will help you rid yourself of the bile you've no doubt been storing up these days, afraid to say anything in your own blog about such daring topics as, oh, actually voting for a presidential candidate that might possibly represent one or two of your issues.

Or whatever else you would like to post about. We all know what a weird mish-mash (clearly, i never listened to any of the number of blogging "experts" who have said that a blog needs a FOCUS. "Focus, shmocus!" I say!) of issues get posted here as it is...so there's a lot there to choose from.

Just e-mail me (drublood at mindspring dot com) and let me know you want to participate, and i'll give you guest author status.

You Make it Easy

July 21, 2004

air

"Never been here - How about you ?"
You smile at my answer,
You've given me the chance,
To be held and understood.

You leave me laughing without crying,
There's no use denying,
For many times I've tried,
Love has never felt as good.

Be it downtown or way up in the air,
When your heart's pounding,
You know that I'm aware.

You make it easy to watch the world with love,
You make it easy to let the past be done,
You make it easy.

How'd you do it ? How'd you find me ?
How did I find you ?
How can this be true ?
To be held and understood.

Keep it coming - no one's running
The lesson I'm learning
'Cause blessings are deserved
By the trust that always could

Be it downtown or way up in the air,
When your heart's pounding,
You know that I'm aware.

You make it easy to watch the world with love,
You make it easy to let the past be done,
You make it easy.

You make it easy to watch the world with love,
You make it easy to let the past be done,
You make it easy.

So watch me fall in love

Ack!

July 21, 2004

How NOT to Talk!

How many of these are YOU guilty of? It's sort of frightening. And, in terms of face-to-face conversation, a lot of these are just plain control tactics...

[via p6, my hero of the day.]

Racism 101

July 21, 2004

I'm sort of working my way backwards through the last week or so of Prometheus 6. Miss a day, miss a lot.

Prometheus 6: One more

Whoah, and then there's this one.

Why are white people so invested in denying that racism exists, even when it exists within them (us)? It makes no sense. Of COURSE you (we) are racist. If you (we) are disgusted enough with racism to want to fucking deny it to the face (or computer screen) of someone who says he experiences it regularly, why can't you (we) take two fucking minutes to think about how it is manifested in YOU (us)?

Damn.

Then there's this, and I quote Mr. 6, himself:

White America wants off the racial hook no less than Black America does. The hook is in deep, though. Getting it out will hurt, no matter what. So stop looking for a painless method of not being racist. At this point in out history, after just 40 years of Black freedom and 40 years of white folks having to live with the dual-soul syndrome DuBois wrote of in Black folks a century or so ago, there is no painless way for ANY of us.

And this just makes me want to scream and tear my hair out, among other things.

There are more posts in the series, which is why Mr. 6 tends to group things like this together and put them elsewhere. Just keep reading.

(edited to add my own accountability. Nyeesh.)

Yes Library Bling!

July 20, 2004

Returning Your Bucks to the Library

I recently gave a talk about indie press to a group of librarians, and I tried to communicate the level of enthusiasm the zine and DIY community have for libraries. They were an essential part of an enriched childhood, allowing us to sate our voracious book nerd appetites -- the fact that there was no financial risk to taking out something new encouraged us to read widely and expand our tastes. As adults on a broke artist budget they allow us to research and read while saving our money to produce our next book or CD or movie or zine.

A lot of readers first encounter my books through the library. Unlike some misguided writers, I think this is awesome and I want to encourage this. So if you want to support an indie press and the public libraries in one fell swoop, I've set up an option to donate a book of mine to the library: I'm calling it the NO MEDIA KINGS, YES LIBRARY BLING Drive.

Great idea, Jim!

I'm leeeeeeeeeeeaving yoooooooou.

July 20, 2004

There's something wholly gratifying about belting out that part of Cibo Matto's "Speechless." You know, the part at the end where the chorus goes "You saw me crying, but now my eyes are dry"...and then that stark resolution of finally ending things, stated with such joyous finality. yes! it's refreshing. it's invigorating. Yesterday (or was it the day before) when I was singing into the broomstick while cleaning the house (must have been the day before, because i didn't do shit for cleaning the house yesterday) - at the top of my lungs...it occurred to me that dumping people, or at least declaring the end of a relationship, could become addictive.

Think about the power in a song like "Speechless," or "i will survive." it's like nah-nah...I don't need your shit any more. I'm going it alone. I would rather be ALONE than deal with your shit one more day, hour, minute, second...yes! That's some powerful shit. That's some powerful shit to dump on someone.

And it does feel powerful to be over someone. To Just Not Care about the stupid little games they play. To Just Not Wonder what they are doing when they are not with you. To Just Not Give A Fuck. Period.

Of course, the flipside of that is the point of the new relationship where you care altogether too much, and there's angst about every little thing (matters). And you feel sentimental about the power you felt when you ended the last relationship, and perhaps there's even a part of you that wants to enact that power in the current relationship even though you don't ACTUALLY want it to end.

Does that make sense? I haven't done this in my current relationship, but I know in my past I have had multiple instances of declaring "Enough is Enough!" before it was ever even being close to be enough, partially hoping to see the other person's reaction, and partially hoping to regain that power of being The One Who Breaks Up as opposed to being The One Who Is Broken Up With.

And i remember when L broke up with me, I realized that I had NEVER been The One Who Is Broken Up With before...well, not really. i mean, i had been the One Who Was Cheated On, but in both of those instances, I was the one who made the final declaration of breaking up. So, whatever. I remember I was conscious of the feeling "This is what it's like to Be Broken Up With."

At any rate, we all know how that one ended. Or neverended. As L continued to live here without at least granting me the courtesy of actually, you know, following through on the Breaking Up...and in the end, I had to do the Throwing Out, which was, in itself, a very empowering thing to do, although it certainly didn't feel empowering at the time I was doing it.

What am I getting at here? Maybe this...maybe there are some destructive tendencies I am battling, or maybe the knowledge of the feeling of power and control that comes from Breaking Up has me worried that it can be used against me! Ack!

Or maybe it's the knowledge that there's something precious in my life that I don't want to lose, and how very little control I, personally, have in ensuring that I don't lose it. Because there are all sorts of conflicting energies that could cause me to lose what I have, and i'm just a tiny force pulling in the opposite direction.

Or maybe I just really like Cibo Matto, and I wanted an excuse to post the lyrics to these two songs that had me shaking my booty in defiance while cleaning the house on Sunday. That might be it, too.

speechless

i'm so speechless...you saw me crying you've never known
i'm so speechless...i'll never come back to you

did you call me? once in a week?
all you wanna do is to be like a sheik
always catching girls like fishing for crawfish
you won't get a dish never, you're just a selfish

please don't take me to the bayou
i'm not a freak i don't wanna lose my shoes
do you? you do? i go through your taboo you do
now i'm so blue

don't make my mouth water
don't make me want to slaughter
if you give me a dishwasher
don't clean my life with your style

i'm so speechless i saw something i've never known
i'm so speechless i saw something you've never shown

you want quantity - i want quality
how can i get up to go through this tragedy?
there's no remedy in my satchel.
only some memory
i feel empty
Love is like a bubble, easily breakable
i can't take this ache for my own sake
i'm cutting the lope from your boat
but something still sticks in my throat

i'm so speechless i saw something i've never known
i'm so speechless i saw something you've never shown

Lint of Love
Cibo Matto
I can't say I'm good at cleaning it, baby
The lint of love, it's made of 'dust of confusion'
You see, the president is in trouble
Every cent you make is floating in a bubble
My heart's content. I can't find it in the Bible.
Doesn't say how to take away the lint of love
I can't help myself, I can't help myself

Human beings always hard to believe
What you think is not quite alright at the other side of the nation
Got two eyes, but we only got one mouth
We could live, we could jive, we could live, we could jive
Without the lint of love
I can't help myself, I can't help myself

We can't avoid the lint of love,
And you've got to know how to take it away

Evidently, Professor Kim didn't hear the news...

July 19, 2004

that, according the the author of the previous post, Mumia Abu Jamal is just a "pet"...Professor Kim's News Notes: 07/18/2004 - 07/24/2004

Noting disturbing racial patterns in the application of the death penalty in Pennsylvania, the NAACP urged it chapters "throughout the United States and the world to support the international call for Mumia Abu-Jamal to be released from death row," according to an article on Jamal's website.

Yawn! More Green Bashing

July 19, 2004

Steve Gilliard's News Blog : What good are the Greens?

Now, the GOP used racial and religious bigotry to gain their advantage in the South and Midwest, while the Democrats didn't make the economic case which had worked for 40 years.

Why? Because of the new left. They started out as SDS and morphed into the Weathermen. Those who didn't minor in bomb making wound up working for Ralph Nader. You cannot just give credit to the GOP, they merely rode over broken ground until they found daylight.

The wreckage of the old new left can be seen in places like Berkeley, Pacifica Radio and ANSWER. Ineffectutal, riven with internal divisions and consumed with s litany of injustices from Mumia to Palestine, they aren't taken seriously by anyone but themselves. No one in the old new left noticed that black people placed a whole bunch of convicts wrongly convicted over their pet Mumia and had no great love of the Palestinians.

Posting on the run, but this is yet another example of the bullshit that I am tired of dealing with from the non-radical left.

Look, mom! I'm an "ivory tower intellectual!"

A letter to the Black Caucus from a Black woman living in South Central

July 19, 2004

To the Black Caucus from a Black woman living in South Central -- Main Story Archive - Nader for President 2004 - www.votenader.org

To Rep. Cummings and members of the Black Caucus,

You demanded independent candidates Ralph Nader and Peter Camejo withdraw from the presidential race in favor of NAFTA approving, Iraq invading, Afghanistan bombing, Sudanese pharmaceutical plant bombing, right-wing Israeli prime minister and murderer Ariel Sharon supporting, impeachment of George W. Bush for the forced removal of democratically elected President Jean Bertrand Aristide refusing, and mandatory minimum sentencing supporting - John Kerry.

Kerry's contempt for human rights, international law, arms control and the United Nations is unforgivable.

(any questions?)

Really fucking depressing.

July 19, 2004

'Enemy Contact. Kill 'em, Kill 'em.'

But the demands of the military's mission and a soldier's mental health are sometimes at odds.

"Our primary goal is to keep soldiers functional, so they can continue to fight," Cardona says. "Everything else, including feeling well, is second to that."

Mental health technicians are available for troops who request help, Cardona says, but stress teams aren't deployed to bases just because U.S. forces kill hostile fighters. He says about half of the soldiers seeking help are traumatized because they killed someone.

"Killing unleashes emotions few people are prepared to deal with," Cardona says. "We help soldiers put those emotions and experiences away, so they can go into battle the next day. We set the expectation that shock is temporary, and that they will return to duty."

Gotta Get Lifted...

July 19, 2004

I'm finding myself in a bit of a funk. It's funny, because I've sort of been witnessing myself going there...observing all of the various pieces of my life forming, slow motionlike, into that same old small cage that I know so well. And as surely as I know that it exists, I also know that it's temporary. But I think I need to spend some time letting myself just feel everything. Taking every spare minute I can to feel things, mourn the things that are clamoring to be mourned, and let them go. They've built up. All of the worries. They've built up and I haven't had a chance to sift through them and figure out what to hold on to and what to let go. Kiss goodbye.

I'm not sure if the funk has anything to do with this, but I've also found myself at a point in my healing from the divorce where I can't even remember being "with" L. I mean, I think of our names togeter - Dru & L - and it sounds like a foreign language. And I look at the children, and it's almost like a form of shellshock. How could such a brief union produce something so persistent...so permanent...so much a part of my daily life, and so much a part of who I (am) (have) become(ing). It's shocking. And sad. And I mourn for that intact family that I never had at the same time (still) not feeling like I deserve it, even though my children certainly do.

And then there's J. The man is like magic. And what could be more frightening than that? All this time, before i even GOT a divorce, when L first left me and I first started imagining my life without a husband and with children. I spent some time thinking about who on earth would want to date a woman with kids. My mom never remarried, and the boyfriends she brought around were definitely not overly interested in entertaining her brood. I have heard so many horror stories of the new person in a woman's life and his/her relationship with the children that I started believing it (see: mean world syndrome) so I just assumed I would never find anyone and if I did it would be a secret I kept from my kids.

And then there was J. Stealth J. In fact, I think I first fell in love with J BECAUSE he was so sweet to my kids. He was sweet to me, too...but all of my friends are sweet to me, I don't think I would have considered going beyond friendship if he hadn't demonstrated a similar, but altogether different sweetness with my children. And he's been consistent in that behavior throughout. This whole time, considering them...both as an extension of me and individually...in ways that sometimes I wonder if even their father considers them.

And this whole time, I've always framed the single-parent relationship angst as "what a lot of pressure that puts on the new person in the relationship." and I've worried about J feeling pressured because of his relationship with my kids.

And/but last night, I was gripped. Perhaps it seeped in because I'm feeling morose and undeserving of love in general, but no matter how...it did seep in one way or the other...and as I listened to J demonstrate his endless abundance of patience with the children (he blew in the door last night and played and played and played with Cole while I cried real tears of appreciation for his sweetness and listened to the relationship that is forming between them) and as he explained things to Monk and then we all went for a walk and he cheerfully carried Coley on his shoulders and helped him throw rocks into water and sang songs over and over and helped Cole to defeat the monsters of his imagination and I walked ahead, crying again because it's just so damn beautiful. And then I was gripped...because it's not J who is under pressure here. It's me.

I mean, thankfully the man who is so wonderful to my children is absolutely wonderful to me, as well...but here he has so much access to the most intimate relationships in my life. He has so much power. Power he has earned, but power that others have earned, as well, only to use that power to destroy more than build. And the pressure i feel is a pressure to be perfect (!) and deserving and receptive and patient and kind in return...and these are all things I can do/be, certainly, but they are also things that I have a tendency to withhold or withdraw or just plain not have in me at any given time, you know?

So, wow. That's a lot of stuff. And I know much of it is unrealistic expectations of myself. but it's still there, realistic or not. Still something I need to deal with and work through, among the million other things I'm having to deal with and work through.

It's funny, because so many people ask me what they can do to help me out. I feel like I have people here to support me, but I can't give any of this to any of them. This isn't stuff I can get help with. It's just stuff I have to figure out and work on alone.

Writing. Crying. Measuring my reactions to make sure they are grounded in the Real Present rather than someplace in my mind or in the past. Writing. Crying some more. Getting a good backrub (thanks, J! Best. Boyfriend. Ever. I swear. Even though I wouldn't be aware of hardly any of this stuff if I didn't have him to compare things to.) Working. Thinking. Getting hugs from Coley. Crying some more. (the other day, I was crying and coley was worried. He apologized, like he thought he had made me cry, and i said "No, no...sweetheart...you didn't make me sad." and he said "Why are you sad, mama" and i just said "I'm just releasing some sad feelings that I have." and he started to cry with me and I said "you know, when someone is crying because of their feelings, it's almost the same thing as when someone cries when they fall down and skin their knee. You can comfort them the same way. You can say 'Are you ok?' and 'is there anything I can do to make you feel better?' and you can give hugs and kisses. And coley said "Are you OK? Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" and he gave me a hug and a kiss and I smiled and hugged and kissed him back and said but sometimes when someone is crying because of feelings, they just want to be left alone. And coley said "Do you want me to leave you alone?" And I said "no. I like having you here right now. I just don't want you to feel like I'm crying because of you." But by then I didn't feel like crying anymore, so i snuggled coley close to me and we laughed about something and i felt much much better).

Consumer demand v. production

July 19, 2004

Another great post at Living On Less.

We may be used to thinking of industry as the main architect of environmental degradation, but the consumption activity of households and individuals both drives the production side to generate needless goods and services, which are readily and greedily absorbed by the private sector, and directly consumes an excess of energy and products.

There's a lot to consider there. How much am I overconsuming?

First, I have this house. It's fairly large. I could, fairly easily, house at least another person and perhaps another family and consume less energy per person in doing so.

Second, I need to find a way to start taking the bus again - sharing this house might allow for that, if I find someone who I can trust to watch my kids so I can spend more time in transit.

Third, there's food. Food. Spending more time preparing it and making sure it all gets eaten, rather than stockpiling it and using quick-fix meals because I'm too tired or whatever other excuse to actually cook from scratch with the good food we have. Again, a roommate who would share the cooking responsibilities would help with this.

It all seems to point to sharing my space, but I have a tremendous reluctance to doing so. Why am I so averse to the idea? Is it a legitimate excuse that I need time to recover from sharing the house with L? What other ways do I legitimize my inaction?

Hot potato

July 19, 2004

'Here You Go. Here's Iraq. Take It'

Leaning in close, the mid-level American administrator speaks more in a hiss than a whisper. His tone is confessional, drenched in frustration.

"We didn't hand over power to the Iraqis. We threw it at them," he confides, casting a guilty glance toward the many eyes filling the chandelier-lit room. Nobody else heard him. Good. This kind of talk could cost him his job.

"There was no orderly transition. Nothing gradual. Just, `Here you go. Here's Iraq. Take it'."

"None of us had any idea sovereignty was going to switch two days early," he continues, speaking on the promise of anonymity. "So we didn't even get the last contracts finished. It was chaos. More than a billion dollars in plans never went through. Huge appropriations were just left on the table, undone."

Cole on Death

July 19, 2004

"Being Alive is fun! But being dead isn't fun, because....you can't play when you are dead...aaaaaaand......you can't LOVE when you are dead. You can't do ANYTHING when you are dead!"

-Cole, age 3

(This is somewhat paraphrased, but there are only a few words I'm guessing on. The gist of the statement is the same.)

just one of those things...

July 18, 2004

oooo-weee, what a great weekend i had! It seems I haven't had a spare moment in the past 48 hours or so. Which could explain why I'm doing some guilt-induced panic cleaning while waiting for my children to arrive home. I keep meaning to put cleaning the house on my list of priorities for the weekends that the kids are at their papas, but it keeps getting (mysteriously) pushed to the bottom of the list...the LONG list...of things I end up doing.

Friday night I went out with J to the They Might Be Giants show. My pal M, who posted on the blog last week, and will be one of the myriad (I hope) substitute drus while I work that extra job later this month, had informed me earlier that day or maybe the day before that the best strategy for gaining stagefront positioning would be to yell out "There's a Unix system down in the back of the room." Boy, he wasn't kidding! A larger gathering of glorious nerds I have not seen since my bbs days when all would gather at a local pub for socializing "IRL." I, of course, loved it...as my flavor du jour seems to be regular-looking guys with a bit of a paunch. I had a wide array of eye candy to choose from.

Of course, my favorite regular-looking guy with a bit of a most delicious paunch ended up eventually standing behind me. i've decided that I must go dancing with J sometime. He gave me the most awesome massage while I was doing some minor booty shaking. The man knows how to use his hands, among other things...

So, yeah. It was the show, the massage, the cutey Johns on stage and the rest of the band. I have never been witness to TMBG live, although I have listened to their music, not so much as a fan but as an admirer, for about the entire time they've been in existence (!)...I'm much more a fan after having witnessed their live show. They are just very funny, very entertaining people, and it made me happy to be supporting people who are having fun making music and just being. I don't know how to explain it, but it gives me peace to know that there are people who can so obviously be doing what they love and enjoy and be supported doing it.

I had a great time. And J took me out for ice cream afterwards...and, before that, I got myself a sly and the family stone cd because I just haven't been able to get "It's a Family Affair" out of my head since i heard it on the radio a week or so ago.

After ice cream and a trip to the video store we came back to my place and didn't get to spend nearly enough time goofing around before we were fast asleep, all tuckered out from the events of the evening, I guess. I was bummed that we didn't get to spend more time hanging out and talking because I have a lot I want to say to J and lately we just haven't been able to spend enough time together, and by the time I'm used to being around him again to the point where I can talk about all of these crazy ideas I have running through my head, it's already time for us to part. And i had to work on Saturday, so basically we woke up and drank coffee and, you know, goofed around a bit more, and then it was time to go.

Use yr imagination, would you? This ain't the Penthouse Forum, you know.

At any rate, work was ok fun. There were a few drop-ins, but there was no a/c, so after the last drop in left, I closed up and headed home. I had plans with Kate to go to Ana's art opening, and I had told Kate that I was going to wear some lipstick. I actually had to go buy some lipstick, because the last time I wore makeup was, I think, on my wedding day. I'm just not a makeup girl. I had fun putting it on, but i felt so awkward when kate arrived to pick me up that I didn't want to look at her. I felt like i was in drag.

But I got over it, and we headed out to the Tillery Street Theater where innumerable treasures were in store for us. First, the beautiful artwork by Ms. Sisnet mangotree mermaid hips herself. Then, the lovely food. The drumming which I felt I was barely worthy of witnessing. The woman drumming (ack! I can't remember her name, and someone needs to remind me because i want to order her CD!) was just this gorgeous gorgeous radiant soul. i don't even think gorgeous is the right word, because it was beyond a physical beauty. The woman had essence - and I felt like i was in the presence of royalty all night as she beamed throughout the room and played her drum for us. It was lovely.

And then Ana spoke, and I had previously thought the drums were going to be the high point, but I was so delighted by Ana's words that I don't even know. I guess all of the elements of the evening sort of ended up weaving themselves into an interlocking pattern of sheer ecstatic enjoyment.

Ms. Ana makes me smile. All of the ladies there last night did. It was just such a wonderful evening. One of those nights where everyone around seems beautiful and I couldn't stop looking and looking, enjoying the joy that I and everyone else seemed to be feeling.

And then we danced. And we danced all night. I have made a vow to do more dancing. Even though it was such a welcoming and non-judgmental environment, I was still uptight and self-conscious from my lack of practice enough to feel like I was being very stiff and I did feel a little tense, as I discovered later in the night when I realized that my jaw was clenched and had been for some time.

But, still, I enjoyed myself. And there will be more dancing in my future. And Kate met a lovely lovely woman, and I'm excited about that...and i just had a great time. Truly great. And I'm hoping to head to to more ALLGO dances in the future...they have them every month there at the Tillory Street Theater, and I love the smoke-free, welcoming environment, and the dj's kicked ass, too.

So, I went to bed tired and elated and feeling lonely for J, particularly after witnessing so much love energy in that room, dancing. And I woke up lonely for J and went grocery shopping and am cleaning my house, lonely for J...and will probably not get to see J until later tonight when my kids are here and I will still be lonely for J because the kids will be clamoring and I will be loving them and loving J in an "I'm a parent of these two beautiful boys who I love" way instead of a "I'm a woman in love with a man" way.

But, I suppose, longing is the better part of love. Or so I've claimed before. And I don't imagine it will kill me to be lonely for a little while longer.

The Third Choice...or, Everything I Know About Politics I learned from a 3 year old.

July 16, 2004

Almost every parenting book I have ever read has insisted that children want to please their parents, and children need to be given choices - with the implication that children will choose one of the options presented to them. In other words, children prefer to select from a smaller field of choices presented by an authority, rather than the entire field of choices presented by the world at large.

Isn't it just my luck that my kids never gave a fuck about my narrow field of choices. This would lead to conversations like this:

Mom: Would you like to take a bath now or after dinner?
Monk: I don't want to take a bath!

This, of course, made me very frustrated...particularly since it has been and remains a persistant pattern in my attempt to offer choices to my children. In fact, my children's stubborn refusal to follow the rules of the parenting books have caused me to become a whole lot more authoritarian, at times, then I ever wished to be. I have even had to resort to whipping out the "Because i said so" line that I NEVER ever dreamed i would use.

However, it can be assumed that as a parent of small children, I do have a good deal more experience than my constituents, and therefore can occasionally engage in a power play or two for the sake of Getting Things Done and Keeping Everyone Safe.

The same cannot be said of the power play being enacted by the Democrats in this country, who seem to have a problem with presenting two choices (one choice, really) and attempting to enforce the "because I said so" method of parenting.

I'm sorry that it's so difficult for some people to believe that I have the option of choosing none of the above, in spite of compelling arguments. You can attempt to persuade me. You can attempt to bribe me. You can attempt to make me feel guilty. In the end, as a grown adult in a democracy, my choice is my choice.

Some people who are arguing these facts with me refuse to believe that I can make an informed decision without declaring the "wrongness" of someone of an opposing view. That making an informed decision means completely and utterly invalidating every single other decision out there. This argument seems to crop up in my life a lot. In fact, I bemoaned my own difficulty in making decisions because of my inability to do that. But now I'm starting to understand myself a little better. The fact is that sometimes when presented with an either/or option, the ONLY choice is NEITHER. And it seems that some people really just can't hang with that. In fact, I'm getting the impression that really just fucks with the reality of certain individuals. (hint: read the comments)

Thoughts on Nader...

July 16, 2004

i'm being "schooled" on politics at Open Source Politics. Evidently, Kenneth Quinell feels that his status as a poli-sci professor (or instructor, i can't tell which) makes his opinion more equal than mine. Or, at least, that's the impression that I get.

But I've read a lot about Nader, and I've thought a lot about the man and backlash* against him over the past few months. And this morning I had a revelation.

It seems to me that the Democrats have a choice in how to respond to Nader's candidacy. They can choose to pay attention to those of us who feel Nader is a viable choice for president, to adopt or at least debate his platforms, to consider our priorities and at least discuss them. In other words, they can choose to treat us as a valid constituency.

OR, they can do everything in their power to minimize the importance of our concerns, up to and including ignoring them completely and then, to add insult to injury, they can attempt to make it seems as though we are somehow responsible for damaging the democratic process!

If anything, the democratic party seems to have moved further RIGHT since the last presidential elections. I just don't see Kerry as a liberal candidate. I disagree strongly with his stance on gay marriage (he's against it) and the war on terror (he's for more troops and traditional warfare) as well as his obvious corporate schilldom. I tried to find links for his positions on these things, but his stance on the issues is so vague it's absolutely ridiculous. His website might as well be blank, which is another contrast to Nader. Nader's stance on the issues is very clearly delineated on his website, which I suppose makes it easier to attack him, but also makes it much easier to hold him accountable.

So, basically, what I was thinking this morning is that Kerry and those who support him and the Democratic parties efforts at keeping Nader off the ballot are a lot like my 7 year old son - rather than moving towards compromise to solve a problem, they move further and further into their own self-interest, to their detriment. And that's odd, because, to me, that type of behavior is way more indicative of selfish, self-aggrandizement than anything I have seen exhibited by Nader.

All I'm asking is that my issues be included in a platform or a mandate. All I am asking is for inclusion. Clearly, the democratic party feels it can ignore the issues that are important to me and still not only feel entitled to my vote, but also entitled to ridicule me for standing up for myself.

So I ask, if my vote is so important to John Kerry democrats, why are you working so hard to completely alienate me and ensure that I vote for ANYBODY but Kerry?

*it's an old link, but i feel it's still applicable.

Monk swims!

July 15, 2004

Monk swam to from the ledge to me (standing about 6 feet or so away from the ledge) and back about 7 times today. He can swim! And he's getting a little better, and a little more confident every time we go swimming. This is very exciting for me, because for so long he has steadfastly REFUSED to get his face wet. Today, his friend Seth peer pressured him into holding his breath underwater for as long as possible, and i think that helped Monk get over the panic of having his face in.

i'm so proud of my little guy. of course, i violated all social consciousness and took him out for a slushie as a reward. So much for an uber-pc sugar-free lifestyle. Sigh.

Outrage Fatigue

July 15, 2004

This one: The Onion | Nation’s Liberals Suffering From Outrage Fatigue is for Lisa by way of r@d@r.

More Nader News from Zagg

July 15, 2004

Go read Zagg's zagg: More Nader post for a bunch of interesting facts and statistics about the Nader campaign, past and present.

This breaks my heart...

July 15, 2004

Tish linked up this article aout Anamarie Regino: spiked-health | Article | The lock-up diet

Anamarie's story illustrates the intimate relationship between, on the one hand, slenderness and power, privilege, and money, and on the other, fat and powerlessness, lack of social status, and relative poverty. In both instances, these dichotomies manifested themselves along ethnic lines as well. (The Hispanic social worker who interviewed Martinez-Regino when the state began the process of taking her child from her insisted on doing so in Spanish, despite the fact that English is Martinez-Regino's first language. According to Martinez-Regino, the social worker kept demanding the telephone numbers of her family in Mexico, even though Martinez-Regino was born in the USA and has spent her entire life here.)

Perhaps the most striking irony of Anamarie's story is the faith her family maintains in doctors and medicine. Despite being accused by doctors, on the basis of no evidence whatsoever, of abusing their child, Anamarie's parents cling to the belief that doctors can be trusted to explain the meaning of what has happened to their daughter. Ultimately, it is this faith - a very American faith in the ability of science and technology to answer what are, in the most fundamental sense, political and cultural, rather than scientific, questions - that plays perhaps the most crucial role in supporting the war on fat.

What remains difficult to see, even for those who have paid the heaviest price in that war, is that it isn't people like Anamarie who have a weight problem. We live in a nation in which those in authority can look at a three-year-old girl with the 'wrong' sort of body and decide, on the basis of nothing more than irrational beliefs born of their own fear and loathing of fat, that her family must be torn apart. Now that is a weight problem.

I don't have any time right now to add any commentary, but Tish has a few more links for you to read and reflect upon. (permalinks don't work, but it's the July 14th, 2004 Post)

Gimme some (fair labor practice) sugar

July 14, 2004

Guerrilla News Network

"Child labor is rampant on El Salvador's sugarcane plantations," said Bochenek, lead author of the HRW report, which was based on interviews conducted early last year with 32 children and youths between the ages of 12 and 22, as well as with parents, teachers, activists, academics, lawyers, government officials, and representatives of the Salvadoran Sugar Association. "Companies that buy or use Salvadoran sugar should realize that fact and take responsibility for doing something about it."

Cutting sugar cane is back-breaking and hazardous work for a variety of reasons. The most common tools are machetes and knives. Both the monotony of the work and the fact that it is usually performed under direct sunlight make for frequent accidents, even among experienced workers.

Virtually all of the children interviewed by HRW bore multiple scars from cuts they received during their work. ''I cut myself on the leg,” one 13-year-old boy told an HRW interviewer as he displayed a scar on his left shin. “There was a lot of blood. I got stitches at the clinic.” His mother added that the incident occurred when he was 12.

Because cane is often burned before it is cut to clear away the leaves, workers may suffer smoke inhalation and burns on their feet. As one former labor inspector told HRW, "Sugarcane has the most risks. It's indisputable - sugarcane is the most dangerous (agricultural work)."

You can send e-mail to Coca-Cola and the Salvadoran Sugar Association through Human Rights Watch.

Does anyone know if Sucanat is cool with fair trade & labor practices? I've been snooping around the internet, looking for information, and i haven't found anything. Oh, never mind, here's something.