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« I'm feeling this one. | Main | MT 3.01 »

Still Thinking.

July 26, 2004

I had a weekend full of thought and full of myself in thought. And full of apprehension and a little bit of dread about the coming week. And then more thoughts.

I wanted to write an essay here about some of the elements of relationships that I've discovered are necessary for me, and I might do it still, but I'm too tired to do it justice, so I'm just going to ramble on about some new thoughts and observations I've had about myself over the weekend and today, and perhaps these are things that others might be able to relate to.

This morning, J took the kids to Round Rock so my friend C could babysit them while I went to work. What was going to be a logistical nightmare for me (basically waking at 7, and rousing children who rarely wake up before 9, getting them dressed, fed, ready to go, packing lunch, getting myself ready, then driving everyone about 45 minutes in rush hour and somehow making it back down by 9 AM) with the help of J became an almost pleasant experience.

I can tell you now why I've had so much angst about family and relationships and needs being fulfilled. I can tell you because as I was on my way to work, driving leisurely in J's car (he took the van to avoid the hassle of moving the car seat. Because he's just. that. cool.) and arriving about 30 minutes EARLY, allowing myself time to psyche myself up to teach a class for which I have no curriculum in a completely different environment than I'm accustomed to. I thought about the ease with which J accepted the challenge of helping me. There was no hesitation. I needed practical help, and he provided me with everything I needed to accomplish what I needed to accomplish. And when I thought about that from the comfort of his car, I realized that L - the father of my children - would never have done the same. And I'm not just engaging in hyperbole when I say this, because I've experienced it. In order for me to convince L to help with the kids so I could make extra money, even when we were married, I had to "trade" time with him. Even when we were married and he wasn't working, i had to beg him to watch the kids for 8 16 hour days one summer so I could make an extra couple thousand dollars. I had to beg him, AND I had to hear belly-aching about it for years afterwards.

I'm not fucking joking.

And when I remember these things, I can't believe that I actually put UP with it. For so long! And, no WONDER i'm a freaking basket case. No wonder I'm constantly worried about violating J's boundaries. No wonder I can't believe that there aren't strings attached. No fucking wonder. God.

I need to be as gentle with myself as J is to me. Seriously. I need to be more patient, too. It's like, I'll be going along fine, and then I'll remember one of the many really tremendously fucked-up things that L has done that I didn't give a second thought to when it was happening, and it's like "oof."

You know? No wonder I feel so fucking unworthy. And needy. And afraid to admit that I'm needy.

So, anyway, yeah. I'm driving in J's nice car, listening to my cd on his cd player. The CD that has been in his car for months and months now. And that's significant. That's such a boyfriend thing, you know? he has my CD in his car. Isn't that, like, quintessential BOYFRIEND? And I'm really luxuriating in the whole idea of him being my boyfriend. I'm thinking about the time that my car was stalled out, and I called him...and he was there without hesitation. And I'm thinking about all of the little practical things he has taken care of without making any sort of fuss over it. And I'm in fucking awe. I have a utilitarian man in my life. It's truly an amazing thing.

Not to make it sound like he serves no other function, and, I mean, certainly I can take damn good care of myself, but I guess the fact that he is so damn USEFUL is what contrasts J so much with L, and what actually is causing a lot of my current state of mourning. Like, why did I spend so much time thinking that I was the only one who actually had to take care of stuff around here? And every. single. fucking. attempt. at trying to get some help was met with, at best, resistance, and at worse a complete tirade about how evil and worthless I am. There were frequent occasions where L made it seem like he was somehow building my character by refusing to help out with anything. Like the fact that I ever even ASKED for help was some sort of admission of complete failure to thrive on my part and needed to be met with yet another "learning experience."

And, of course, if I screwed up whatever it was that I was having to take care of...I was promptly put in my place for being a complete failure.

I think you get the picture.

So, I figured out, driving in my boyfriend's car today, that I need to enjoy this boyfriend thing for a good long time. I need to really FEEL the boyfriend thing. I need to learn to allow and accept kindness offered in sentiment and in action. Not that i wasn't appreciating it before...it's not an appreciation thing at all. It's more of an adjustment in the way I was limiting the role of boyfriend to some sort of casual affair as opposed to the full splendor of boyfriend-dom.

OK, I think I'm losing my mind here, but I'm going to post this anyway. And then i'm going to get some good sleep. And maybe tomorrow I'll write a bit about how i can't figure out how the average american parent gets by on only ever seeing their children about 5 hours or so a day...and maybe I'll also reveal my 4 elements of a successful relationship, which was my crackpot theory that saved me this weekend.

Later, later, later.

Posted at July 26, 2004 11:15 PM

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Comments

how parents manage seeing their kids so little i don't know, but i know there is no way, when i decide to have kids of my own, that i can stay at home with them more than my mat leave. we just couldn't survive without my salary. so i guess a rare kid is better than a hungry homeless kid...

as for the relationship stuff... oh boy. we women always get ourselves sucked into crappy situations for love, don't we? we're too good. but what you're going through now is fantastic! you're reajusting all your points of reference, realising that perhaps *this* is normal, and the past, well, wasn't! it's rattling, huh? but what's the point of beating yourself up for what's done and gone? there were reasons you were in that situation, reasons you made the choices you did. you're brilliant, and the fact that you were stuck with a prick does not make you less brilliant! plus, what you did then made you the person you are today, and it sounds to me like that person you are has love coming to her from all sides: nothing wrong with that!

Posted by: five blue at July 27, 2004 7:35 AM

looking forward to your 4 elements post and will link it when it's up.

Posted by: r@d@r at July 27, 2004 11:50 AM

Oooh, you lucky lucky girl!

Now you have a good man. And becasue you had a bad experience you will enjoy this one so much more!

That practical stuff makes all the difference but it will seem weird for awhile. My husband and I got married when my son was 5, and he walked into our lives and never looked back. He was there when I needed him for that silly everyday stuff that happens, like car breakdowns and he was (and is) still a romantic guy. It took awhile (like a year) for me to be okay with it, and not feel like I was undeserving of it, but it is wonderful now.

He sounds like a keeper!

Posted by: Rachel at July 28, 2004 2:47 AM

i think we need to start an international movement of women who take no crap anymore. it's so easy for us to get stuck in shitty relationships, all the while smiling and pretending like everything is good - we even make ourselves believe it! happens to most of us at some point. heck, some women are caught in that pattern their entire lives! we need something, anything, to make us all and each understand our true worth. but even example doesn't quite help: my mom is a strong woman who left an abusive alcooholic dad of mine who was drinking all that she could earn. and yet i too fell for a jackass at some point. like we need to improve those men, to change them, to prove our worth. martyrdom, thy name is woman! anyway, i'm glad i learned what i learned with the jerk. i'm also glad i left before his fist hit my face instead of the door frame next to it.

Posted by: five blue at July 28, 2004 11:08 AM