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« Any Austin Cat Lovers? | Main | Movement. »
Suspension.
July 30, 2004
It's Friday, and the kids just left for their weekend visit with papa. Whenever they leave like that, there's this moment - or there are moments - of suspension. I'm stuck between two worlds.
I just really started feeling that other world a couple of weekends ago. I was invited over to a friend's house for movies and girly fun late at night. It was already dark and I left the house and put my key in the door of the car. I had to look around to see if anyone was watching. As if I was doing something illicit and clandestine, leaving my house in the middle of the night without my children. It felt odd, and slightly thrilling at the same time.
But the suspension I feel just when they leave, and in the moments following is sort of a pit-of-my-stomach feeling. I know they will be back, and I know it will almost seem too soon when they DO come back. But for those moments after they leave, the weekend yawns in front of me with seeming neverendingness. Suddenly, all of the things I had planned to do seem utterly unimportant, and i want to lay down in my bed and hug my pillow and just lay there for hours, partly to luxuriate in my aloneness, and partly to mourn about it.
The suspension doesn't last long. I click into place, with all of the ideas of people that I have been waiting to see, alone. And places I have been waiting to go, alone. And things I've been wanting to do...also alone. The laughter and silliness and the rolling around merrimaking that occured just minutes ago are stifled as if a gloved hand has wrapped its fingers around it all. I'm still vibrating from it, but my energy is more directed as it is contained.
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