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« July 2004 | Main | September 2004 »

What a day.

August 31, 2004

I feel like I haven't had a moment to sit down all day, even though I spent much of this evening at work sitting down. I at least have not been able to catch my breath.

I haven't been writing with regularity, and I don't know if I'm going to start in the near future. This is the last week of my morning job, and I will have more time starting next week, but I'm certain that I will be having many late night conversations with R like the one we had tonight, and I probably won't be able to tear myself away long enough to just write stuff down...and by the time I do, it will be like I've already said everything.

Today was hard. Last weekend was hard. i feel like I've been running non-stop for about 4 days straight. Which is fine, because...well, quite honestly, much of the time my life is pretty easy. So, I figure it's good to have hard weeks thrown in there every once in awhile just to remind me of what it feels like.

The good news is that things at work are going really well. We started off our fall semester with a HUGE prep class, which will feed into our higher level classes, and hopefully fill them up. I've been working really hard on outreach kind of stuff, so I'm glad that has paid off.

The good news is also that I've taken care of a lot of the little details on my to-do list, and I'm left with some of the more fun major tasks that I can accomplish while their kids are with their papa this weekend...if they go to their papa's this weekend.

There's more good news somewhere, but I'm too tired...and I just started thinking about the bad news, and I am feeling like I don't even want to say it out loud. So I'm going to leave you hanging so I can go to sleep...and maybe when I wake up in the morning, that bad news won't even be on my mind anymore and I won't ever have to say it out loud.

Hope all is well with everyone. We're having fun and hanging in here.

Posted at 12:52 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Missing you Horribly.

August 29, 2004

It's Sunday. I have much to do, but I did get some stuff done last night. For instance, I cleaned the toilet, much to the delight of the 5 children who were in my care. ("Why are wearing rubber gloves?" "Because I'm cleaning the toilet" "HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!")

I also heard from L yesterday. He e-mailed to tell me that he misses the kids "horribly" but that he's unable to see them until he's better. Well, OK.

I seem to have a great deal of experience, lately, with people who "miss" other people "horribly" and then make no effort whatsoever to do anything about that. The thing about SAYING you miss someone horribly is that's SO EASY to do. It's what you DO about missing someone horribly (like, maybe, asking a friend to drive you over to say hello...or even requesting that I bring the kids there - which he has done for far worse reasons, and I've obliged.) which reassures those you are allegedly "missing horribly."

Anyway, sorry...that was a resentful aside to the other person in my life who claims to "miss" (me) "horribly"...I found it frighteningly ironic that the same phrase was used by both people.

At any rate, tonight we are going to make apple pie for papa and apple pie for the 2 mamas and 5 children that will be sharing this home for the next x number of weeks. I'm so excited that R will be here this afternoon. We're planning our menu and going grocery shopping this afternoon. She's all psyched about doing once-a-week cooking together, which is excellent, because that's one of the things I was TOTALLY looking forward to in having her here.

I should probably go listen to my son talk for a little while, since I rebuffed him to write this (monk has once again become a non-stop talking...which, I mean, usually he has interesting stuff to say, but it's difficult to get through the day when there's a seven year old standing in front of you talking about yu-gi-oh all day long.) I hope you all have an excellent Sunday.

P.S. does anyone know if there's such a thing as the old "america's top 40" radio show on Sundays? I'm suddenly feeling the need to turn up the stereo on that kind of show just like my mom used to do on Sundays when she was cleaning the house...all the windows and doors open, and us kids all running around or laying around or playing around the house.

(never mind. I turned it on for about 2 songs, and then i realized I would much, much rather just listen to Air.)

Posted at 8:38 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

coley's bedtime story to himself

August 28, 2004

(This version has been edited to fit your blog - I took out all of my prompts, which mostly consisted of "Then what happened?")

One time, I stepped in volcano lava, and it blasted me all the way to egypt. And then, it goed to Halloween, and it saw jack, but jack didn't see the lava, and he stepped in it, and it goed to Christmas and it turned christmas melty and people screamed. But then, it goed...it just goed away.

The end.

Posted at 11:23 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Re-publishing the list

August 28, 2004

I'm taking out all of the tasks that are done, and republishing this sucker. Tomorrow will be some all-out list killing:

Stuff that didn't get done last week:

Stuff I've added for this week:

Wow. I've gotten A LOT done.

Posted at 9:26 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Diversity Calendar

August 27, 2004

Global Diversity @ Work - Diversity Calendar

(I'm running out of room on my calendar, so I'm finding sites with good collections of global holidays to give myself opportunities to discuss different cultures with the kids.)

Posted at 11:23 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

I'm on a rampage.

August 27, 2004

So, i guess it was Wednesday at 2 in the afternoon that L called to inform me that he was going to the emergency room to deal with a pinched nerve...and that he probably wouldn't be able to watch the kids on Wednesday and Thursday.

Mind you, this is our visitation schedule we are talking about...a schedule that the children have adapted to, and one from which they do not particularly care to deviate. Mind you, as well, that I have no way to contact L short of driving over to where he lives and hoping that he's there. Neither do his children.

Today is Friday. He was supposed to be here to pick up his younger child for special time. I sent him an e-mail this afternoon asking if we should expect him. I have received no reply. He also hasn't attempted to contact his children to talk to them since he last saw them on Tuesday evening.

Is there ANYTHING that will make this person understand that being a parent isn't a duty from which you can just call in sick? Is it REALLY that difficult for him to send his children an e-mail, or call? Or at least let us know if and when he plans to see his children again? Seriously.

I just totaled the amount of child support he currently owes me and it's nearing the thousand dollar mark. After my class at the senior center is over next week, I'm going to pursue finalizing the divorce. This is bullshit. Evidently, I need to really put L before a judge for him to understand that there are certain expectations that parents must fulfill to be adequate in the eyes of society. He certainly doesn't listen to me when I tell him this. He pretended to listen to my lawyer, but proceeded to completely ignore every obligation he's held to in the temporary orders. Even his own step-father (who called here last week and got an earful from me) has no idea what L is up to.

Part of me is worried about what the heck is up with him, but mostly I'm just sick to fucking death of lowering my expectations of him and other people in my life simply because they don't wish to live up to the standards that we all need to live up to in order to get along. I'm tired of being made to feel like I expect too much, rather than the reality, which is some people just underfuckingperform.

I have to say that I rely on my friends to hold me accountable and call bullshit on me when I fuck up. I've been thinking a lot about this, and I'm simply not going to put up with bullshit from the people I care about. If they can't deal with me giving them caring, gentle, constructive criticism, they aren't worth knowing.

That's one way to keep destructive people like L out of my life. I wonder who else I'm going to weed out in that manner.

Posted at 4:47 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Apple Pie recipe

August 27, 2004

In case you were wondering how to make a vegan Apple Pie

And I'm using this crust. (the top one).

Who's coming for dinner? We're having cinnamon pancakes with fake sausage, hash browns, and apple pie for dessert.

Posted at 12:54 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

This is important.

August 27, 2004

Children Need Touching and Attention, Harvard Researchers Say

Instead of letting infants cry, American parents should keep their babies close, console them when they cry, and bring them to bed with them, where they'll feel safe, according to Michael L. Commons and Patrice M. Miller, researchers at the Medical School's Department of Psychiatry.

The pair examined childrearing practices here and in other cultures and say the widespread American practice of putting babies in separate beds -- even separate rooms -- and not responding quickly to their cries may lead to incidents of post-traumatic stress and panic disorders when these children reach adulthood.

The early stress resulting from separation causes changes in infant brains that makes future adults more susceptible to stress in their lives, say Commons and Miller.

"Parents should recognize that having their babies cry unnecessarily harms the baby permanently," Commons said. "It changes the nervous system so they're overly sensitive to future trauma."

I have nothing to add to that.

Well, except maybe this:

The result, Commons and Miller said, is a nation that doesn't like caring for its own children, a violent nation marked by loose, nonphysical relationships.

"I think there's a real resistance in this culture to caring for children," Commons said. But "punishment and abandonment has never been a good way to get warm, caring, independent people."

Which might be one of the many variables that was not considered in last weeks gun/violence debate at iron blog.

Posted at 10:14 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Mourning

August 27, 2004

Today, I'm mourning for this man's loss:

Police in Hollywood, Florida, say Carlos Arredondo climbed into a Marine van outside his home and set himself and the van on fire yesterday. Marines had driven to his home to tell him his son had died in Iraq.

Doctors say he is in serious condition at the the major burn unit at a Miami hospital. They say he has burns on 50 percent of his body.

His wife tells ABC he's expected to recover. She describes his actions as "his scream that his child is dead." Sne added, "The war needs to stop."

as well as mourning the loss of these men:

The Manchester Union-Leader ran an article on the return of Guindon and his team at Manchester Airport on Tuesday. In the article, Guindon said he was pleased to be home.

"It feels fantastic. It's hard to explain it, it feels so good," Guindon said in the article. "I'm just going to take today slow, wake up tomorrow, and see what it's like to be back in a normal place." Regarding Iraq, Guindon said, "It was not a nice place - let's put it that way. But you have to go and you have to do your duty. So we did."

Guindon's death follows that of Marine Lance Cpl. Jeffrey M. Lucey, 23, of Belchertown, who returned from Iraq in July 2003 and took his life in June.

Lucey's family has said he began showing signs of post-traumatic stress disorder after his return. One of the main sources of his distress, Lucey told his family, was that he shot and killed two unarmed Iraqi solders after being ordered to do so.

These lives are not expendable. These people have families who loved them. Who still love them. It breaks my heart. Nothing is worth this destruction, and the untold thousands who are dead or dying in Iraq. Nothing is worth that. And reading stories of those who are affected by it only makes that feeling stronger.

Posted at 8:58 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Another Weekend - Another to-do list.

August 27, 2004

It's even longer this week than it was last week, and I have the kids.

Stuff that didn't get done last week:

Stuff I've added for this week:

I have an appointment today at 2:30...and I also have special time with Monk this evening. We're going to bake apple pie together - isn't that sweet? Of all of the things that we can do for special time, he has decided that he wants to stay home and bake pie (and cinnamon pancakes) with his mama. I think that'll be fun.

But, I have to get all of this stuff done in about the 12-16 hours of free time I have this weekend. I dunno if I'll be able to swing it, but I'm going to give it a try.

Posted at 7:35 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

authentic replica

August 27, 2004

Hey everyone! Go welcome burningdoor at his new bloghome: Authentic Replica. I think yr gonna love him.

Posted at 7:32 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Waiting For an E-mail to send

August 26, 2004

The kids are insane with the interruption of their rhythm. They are running around the house while I'm desperately attempting to get work done.

Meanwhile, my bank tried to pull a fast one on me today. Dig this - they re-debited an e-payment for a rather large sum of money, then they charged me an overdraft on it, then they credited me back the money. Isn't that cute? The best part is when I called to have them remove the overdraft charge (SIXTY FUCKING DOLLARS) the woman I spoke with acted like she was doing me a favor by doing so. Um, hello? Was it my fault my account was charged twice?

I had to wonder if they do that sometimes on purpose, just to see if people are paying attention. Who knows. All I know is I was freaked out to find myself overdrawn one day before payday. I have had to overcome a lot of my money issues in the last few years, but I still haven't had a lot of experience with an overdrawn account. It freaked me right out to see a negative balance this morning, when I checked my funds.

Anyway, my kids are wigging out, and I think my e-mail finally went through, so I gotta motor.

Posted at 6:03 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

ah, crap...

August 25, 2004

Another day, another night spent driving around looking for lost dogs. I've been careful, too...only leaving the dogs out for about 10-15 minutes at a time. I sprang up from watching the olympics with the kiddos because I hadn't heard Bailey bark in about 5 minutes or so, and when I opened the back door, I heard tags jingling. Fuck.

Had to load the kids up in the car, and that gave the little buggers a head start. Twyla, my good dog, was up at the back porch, looking up at me like "I didn't go through the hole, aren't I cute?"

We drove around for 15 minutes or so before we found Bailey jogging down the sidewalk. Then we drove another 20 minutes looking for Spike. Twenty tense and stressful minutes as Coley wailed for his lost dog. I think I've been saying out loud that I'm feeling like we need to find spike a new home, and I think I ought to stop doing that. Tonight, I was pretty sure that what coley is freaked out about is that I'll find a new home for HIM if HE misbehaves. We had a talk about that...after we found spike. Or, rather, after the nice men outside the AA meeting house found him for us. Thanks guys! Sorry to ruin your anonymity!

Anyway, another exhausting cap to another trying day. I'll get my shit together one of these days, and I might even be dangerous at that point. I still want to get back to the discussion about race, but I've had no time to spare to string together anything thoughtful other than retellings like this one. Sorry.

Oh, and L evidently injured his back...so I found out at 2 pm today, and will not be able to take care of his children for the next two days or so. I guess that means I just need to deal with it. How lovely for me! Tonight, the kids and I went to work together, which was not very productive at all. Tomorrow, we will do the same. At least tomorrow they will have computers to play with, but I'm feeling like that's not going to be very productive, either...and i will be spending some time tomorrow evening doing some work after they go to bed.

Yay me! I'm trying really hard not to send L an e-mail to remind him of all of the times I got sick and he would leave me alone with the kids to toughen me up. I'd like to tell him he's lucky I don't do that to him...but I'm not parenting for him, I'm parenting for my children. Which, I suppose, is something he hasn't figured out yet.

Blah.

Posted at 10:43 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Choices for Children

August 24, 2004

I'm seriously considering attending the Choices for Children 2004 conference. It might be just what I need to prepare mentally and spiritually for the coming year. Anyone want to join me?



Choices for Children is an educational program that provides parents and caretakers with information and skills to address the deepest needs of our children. We are very excited to offer the two following conferences.

Posted at 6:38 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Elvis is innate.

August 24, 2004

My friend Pansy was here today to keep my kids while I worked in the A.M. It's people like pansy and kate that make me feel like women were meant to live together and raise children together. I mean, maybe the women wouldn't live together necessarily...maybe the kids would all live together and the women would switch off living with the kids.

Or something. Anyway, that's just some half-assed theory of mine. The IMPORTANT thing is that Pansy was telling me that last night her kids were making bread in different shapes, and along with all of the letters and simple shapes like birds and trees, they made one creature that they called the "elvis" creature because it had a big old bread dough pompadore.

We laughed about this, and I said "Holy shit! Elvis is innate!" Which prompted pansy to say "My kids know more about Elvis than Jesus."

bahahahahahahaha.

Posted at 2:11 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Anniversary

August 24, 2004

Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary. It's also the day that Steven finally moved out a year ago. I'm pretty much an emotional trainwreck these days, and I think that's at least part of the reason.

Last week, I started to tell my friend Pansy that if I was going to be getting into relationships with depressive people, then I might as well be with the father of my children. She stopped me short, and said "That's not fair. L was abusive, and did not take responsibility for himself. And was hostile to you."

It helped a little, but I still feel off-kilter. Not like I'm actually considering getting back together with L (that's probably not an option on his end, anyway...even if I could bring myself to consider it) - but that all relationships seem futile. I know there's a utilitarian purpose to having another adult around the house when there are children, but I just feel like every other aspect of relationships falls to shit eventually, so what's the point.

OK, I'm not EXACTLY that cynical, but it's that edge of cynicism that I'm teetering on. Truly, what I've discovered over the past year is that I truly do want to find a life partner, possibly more than one - lover or friend - who will be in this thing with me, you know, for a good long time. The problem is...can I trust myself to desire that, and can I trust that I will do the right things when I find that person, or those people. Or have I already found him/her/them? Or can I trust that I can let people go if they stand in the way of my finding that?

It will be nice to have R here starting next week. I'll see if I can live with someone and her kids, and maybe adjust my expectations of life - at least my present life - accordingly.

Happy anniversary.

Posted at 8:02 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Starbucks Lactivism

August 23, 2004

nursein3.gif

I guess I missed last Saturday's nurse in here in Austin, but there's lots of information here about the campaign to convince Starbucks that harassing nursing mamas is not cool.

Granted, I don't really actually ever go to Starbucks, but I think it's really important that breastfeeding as an act is totally safe and accepted whereever a mama is welcome.

Posted at 7:28 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

So, so tired.

August 22, 2004

I guess the good news is that my normal monday babysitter who lives FAR FAR away cancelled yesterday, so I'm going with my back up babysitter who lives down the street. That gives me an extra 30 minutes to sleep.

But, I am FUCKING exhausted right now. I was up at 8, after getting to bed at 2, and I started working around the house by 9. I'm currently sitting down for the 3rd or 4th time today. I still have soup to cook, work work to do, and a little more clean up that needs to get done. I'm so so thankful that J came over and helped with the carpet, because I never would have gotten it done without him. And, I mean, it was, as he said, a half-assed job, but at least it no longer smells like cat piss in there. I will be very happy when my house is free of all signs of the man who almost ruined my life. That cat piss smell was just one of the many things I needed to clear up.

I'm a bit worried, because I feel like the relationship issues that were "resolved" last night were merely "talked through." Which isn't to say that the talking wasn't good, and it isn't to say that the making up wasn't sincere...but it is to say that the resolution will come from me resolving myself to accept what is being offered without wanting something different. Does that make sense? It's not even that what is being offered is necessarily deficient...I'm just not sure if it's exactly what I want. And I suppose it's my job to decide whether what I want is more important than what I have. Bird in the hand and all that.

But, I think I'm just going to push all that out of my mind. I won't be making the crepes tonight, but I did make the garlic-olive-caper spread. It's sort of like a pesto only with different things. I like it ok. I imagine the kids will like it a lot, since they are big on olives. I made the dough for the pizza crust, but I haven't made the pizzas, and likely won't until tomorrow or the next day. The soup is on, and needs to simmer for an hour or so and then it requires more ingreds and more simmering. I'll be up until midnight searching for resources for clients and whatnot.

Coley is in the bathtub, and my house smells deliciously garlicky.

I'm about ready to give up on the Boston Terrier. We found him at the playground about half a year ago, and we enjoyed a brief honeymoon where he was a very well-behaved (though a bit enthusiastic) gentleman around here. Then he started pissing on everything he could find, so he became a primarily outdoor dog because I just don't have time to clean up dog urine everywhere. Now, in the past month or so, he has figured out how to dig under the fence...and he does it frequently. For himself, as well as to spring the other dogs. I've been trying to keep an eye on him and line the holes with cinder blocks as he digs them, but he's been getting out several times a week for the past few weeks, and it's wearing me thin. I just don't have the time to go chasing the dog around the neighborhood every few days.

If I had it in me, I would get rid of the beagle AND the boston and just stick with my Twyla. They just exhaust me. I know it took me over a year to really come to LOVE my boxer, and perhaps the other two will grow on me, but it's way too much work in the meantime. Thankfully, my neighbors frequently do house calls when the dogs escape, but I would really rather they not get out at all.

Anyway, I'm in the middle of sauteeing the onions. Coley is asleep and Monk is reading and i'm about to freaking pass out I'm so tired. I hope you are all having a good evening.

Posted at 9:02 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Co-opting Iraqi Soccer

August 22, 2004

SI.com - Writers - Wahl: Iraqi soccer players upset about Bush campaign ads using team - Thursday August 19, 2004 4:59PM

"Iraq as a team does not want Mr. Bush to use us for the presidential campaign," Sadir told SI.com through a translator, speaking calmly and directly. "He can find another way to advertise himself."

Ahmed Manajid, who played as a midfielder on Wednesday, had an even stronger response when asked about Bush's TV advertisement. "How will he meet his god having slaughtered so many men and women?" Manajid told me. "He has committed so many crimes."

[link courtesy of Shameless Agitator]

Posted at 10:47 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

The list, revisited.

August 22, 2004

Well, here it is bedtime on Saturday, and I have gotten almost NOTHING done on my list. I had some relationship issues to deal with, and that took the bulk of the evening. I am hoping those issues have been dealt with effectively and won't crop up again.

Thankfully, J volunteered to come over tomorrow and help me lay carpet (is that on your list, Trish?) I did get the room cleaned up, so I just need to move everything out of there in preparation for some carpet activities to happen.

Let's revisit the list, shall we?

OK, so it's not like NOTHING got done, just not MUCH. I still have tomorrow morning to work on some of this stuff, and much of it can be done after the kids get here. I also have some work to do (like, for my paying job)...And I did clean my living room, the dishes are done, and I'm feeling a lot better right now emotionally than i have in several days. It's amazing what, er, "laying carpet" can do to relieve tension and stress.

Maybe i'll even write something meaningful tomorrow. Remind me to tell you about my friend M, and our little cooking experiment...as well as Coley's "wife" and the message he left on her answering machine. I don't think I've told that story yet. And, yes, there will probably be more race/identity posts. I am undeterred by sir huff-a-lot.

Posted at 1:55 AM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

For Bryan: The operative definition of racism

August 19, 2004

I suppose it's the operational definition, as well.

POWER + PRIVILEGE = RACISM

(works for sexism, too)

That was easy. Now, how 'bout you come over here and help me rip up some freaking carpet?

Posted at 11:44 PM • Comments (10) • TrackBack

The Dreaded To-Do List

August 19, 2004

This is the last weekend that the kids will be with their father before my friend R gets here. Plus, we're about to start up the more formally structured part of the school year (Monk's asking for more structure, and more structure he will receive) So, while I want to spend it getting some well-deserved and much-needed alone time (for the purpose of which, I have already rented three movies) I also have about 900 gazillion things I need to do. So, it's time for a fabulous to-do list. I'll bet you are thrilled.

I think that's about it. Do you think I can get it all done in two and a half days? It's quite a tall order, but I'm going to have fun trying. I have good music to listen to, I have enough money to reward myself with a nice dinner if I accomplish everything I set out to do, and...I think if I hunker down and just focus on getting shit done, I can do it.

Whatever I do, I canNOT pause to watch the olympics, play the sims, or get sidetracked by any number of other timesuck culprits.

Wish me luck!

Posted at 3:11 PM • Comments (11) • TrackBack

What every mom dreams of...

August 19, 2004

At least, what every overworked mom who hasn't had any time to play with her kids for a week or so dreams of.

Monk just came out of the back room to inform me that he "pinned a bishop."

Fearing some sort of, um, euphamism, i asked him what on earth he was talking about.

He said "I was just playing chess with myself, and I managed to pin the bishop - you know...trap him in the corner so if he moved anywhere, I would capture the king with my rook."

Mama needs to start playing more chess. This kid can probably kick my ass at this point.

Posted at 1:15 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

My anti-privilege scorecard

August 19, 2004

This will be a quickie, because i have to get ready for work in a minute here...

A lot of people like to argue against white privilege by providing their resume of "things that put them at a disadvantage" in our society. OK. Alright. I'll bite. Here's my resume. Bring out the violins:

I was Born the 7th out of 7 children in a white, middle class neighborhood. My mother had 3 kids from a previous marriage, my father had 3 kids from a previous marriage, and then they had me. My mother's first husband refused to pay child support. Skipped town. My mother adopted my father's children, whose mother had died. My parents divorced when I was three. My father never repaid the money my mother gave him to start a business after they divorce. He also never paid child support, in spite of the fact that he was/is very wealthy. My father is mentally ill.

My mother refused to move out of our white (and I do mean white...with real live block busters and all, I found out later) middle class neighborhood because 1) it would be too disruptive to our lives and 2) where the hell else was she going to live with 7 kids? So, I was the "poor" kid in the rich schools.

I got straight A's through high school and never went to college. I felt there was no money for me to do so, and I had no interest in spending what I felt was an exhorbitant amount of my own money and time without really knowing what I wanted to do with myself. I moved out at 18 and moved into an apartment with 4 or 5 other people.

I'm getting off track, here. At this point in my life, I still do not have a college degree, but I do have a good job doing something I love to do. I am a single parent of two boys who I homeschool. I work hard, even when I'm hardly working. I can't afford the freaking lawyer's fees to finalize the divorce with my freaking husband who refuses to freaking pay child support. My mom has kicked in some money for that, but I have no idea where she got it.

My ex-husband, too, has had his share of struggle in his lifetime. He's one that would argue that he has ever benefitted from white privilege, and his is not my story to tell, but there's much in his family history that would be a compelling argument against the existence of white privilege.

However, I have no doubt whatsoever that I would not have accomplished all of what I have accomplished without the benefit of white privilege. And this is not to imply that I don't deserve what I have, but it is to imply that some deserve better than what they have. I want to write more about THAT later, too.

AND it's not at all to minimize the struggle that I've faced in my lifetime and the struggles that I continue to face. In writing this, I'm not trying to INVALIDATE the hard work of anyone. I understand we all have our struggles, and comparisons, as the buddhists say, are odious. And DEFINITELY definitely there is such a thing as class privilege, which I have mostly NOT been on the receiving end of. Yet, I still am very aware of the privilege I do have, as a white person, that i have NOT earned, in spite of all that I have earned.

That's it for now. More later. For instance, I want to really examine why people cling so desperately to the idea that white privilege doesn't exist, when all the evidence contradicts that. And I'd still like to talk about the role that capitalism plays in this equation...and how class and privilege come together and fall apart.

But...later...later.

Posted at 7:18 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

What was I going to talk about now?

August 18, 2004

OK, I know I was going to continue the race discussion, but I am far too tired to put together anything resembling a coherent thought. Lately, my life feels like a marathon, and I'm hitting the wall right now. I had to scramble a bit today to find a babysitter for tomorrow, but I managed to do so. I had visions of bringing my kids with me to the class I'm teaching and, while i'm sure the folks in the class would LOVE them (my beginner class is all women, and they are ALL totally psyched about the fact that I homeschool. In fact, I want to write a post about how touched I am by the warmth of my senior classes. They are a great group of people, and I feel so very blessed to get to spend 6 hours a week with each of the classes...but I don't think I can do that honor justice at this moment) I just don't think my boys would stand for being cooped up in a room full of computers without actually being able to USE a computer for three hours...as all of the computers are used for the class.

I have discovered that I really LOVE chalkboards, by the way. And I feel that I need to get a big chalkboard for my house. Chalkboards are the shit.

Yeah, I could go on and on about my class. Today, for instance, I was teaching them how to insert images into powerpoint, and since there's no projector, I have to basically instruct by looking at their screens as they do what I tell them to do...and some of them were getting ahead of me, so i was all falsely indignant, saying "You people are just NOT understanding the challenge I'm being presented with here!" and we all had a good laugh. I love them. They are so very fun.

My contract has been extended...did I mention this? I'm contracted to teach these two classes (beginner and intermediate) for 6 weeks (each class meets twice a week) and I've already been asked to teach an additional intermediate class. My hope is that the continue to throw this work my way for awhile to come...at least until L decides to start paying child support (and paying the support he already owes me) and maybe even beyond that. If I can continue on twice a week, it's not so bad hours-wise, it's pretty easy to barter childcare AND I might actually be able to pay off some of my debt, which would rock tremendously. Wow. That would be cool.

So, I guess i posted something coherent after all...just not what I had intended to post - that thinking thing. There are lots of thinking things that I'm actively avoiding right now. Just get me to the weekend. That's all I ask. Then I can kick back, relax, and attempt to make this house somewhat livable for my friend R, who will be coming to stay with me for an extended visit beginning...gah...in a little over a week.

So much to do, so little time...and such an annoying need for trifling, unimportant things, like sleep.

Posted at 10:57 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Coupla thoughts about gender v. race

August 18, 2004

I'm digging the conversation on the other thread, and i have a couple of thoughts about gender v race as constructs.

Kim asked a compelling question:

It does beg the question though, does being a male then by definition make one sexist?

and Bryan answered:

I can think of one HUGE difference between race and sex, and that's biology.

That's a great question and I think Bryan is at least partially right in his answer, but I think there's more to it than that.

I thought about kim's question all the way to work because, like her, I do feel that male privilege is a little easier to hold people accountable for than white privilege. And it occurs to me that in our culture the gender split is way more equitable than the race split - and even in the race divisions, there are multiple divisions of culture and class that make it a more complex power relationship.

In other words, I think, in some respects, it's easier for women to hold men accountable because there are more of us, and by sheer numbers, we have the ability to hold the power in check to a certain extent. Not that I think the power is actually held in check, because there's a lot more going on in the equation than majority can account for...but it might explain why some of us feel more open to challenging male privilege than white privilege.

Does that make sense? I dunno if it does, because I'm sort of winging it.

In terms of Bryan's answer - yes, men and woman are physically different, and I respect that you understand that different doesn't necessarily mean better - and that there are no such inherent differences between people of color and white people. HOWEVER, you still have to consider the SOCIAL constructs of race and gender, in addition to the physical aspects of same.

One question that was never answered in the affirmative action debate was, if white privilege doesn't exist, how do the people who argue against its existence explain the wage gap/justice gap between people of color and white people? I'd really like to hear that answered, and I resent that the fact that I was insistent upon hearing the answer and insistent about presenting what I felt to be the only explanation one can claim if one refuses to acknowledge white privilege (e.g. white superiority) caused some of the judges to dock points from me, and caused my opponent to cry foul. I'm still waiting to hear the answer, either from my opponent or from someone else who wants to argue that white privilege doesn't exist.

But, I'm jumping ahead, and that might be counter-productive to this discussion. I still want to talk about the ways in which I have committed "passive" racism (passive makes it sound WAY more benign than it actually is) and the ways in which I see sexism committed in a more passive way all of the time. I'll get to that tonight before I go to bed, if I have time.

Posted at 4:46 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Um...duh!

August 18, 2004

The Dolans Unscripted

Is home schooling a viable option for elementary school children? Yes No

Is there really THAT much of a lack of material we can poll people on?!

Posted at 2:17 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Hi. My name is Drucilla Blood, and I am a racist.

August 17, 2004

I was hoping to put my real name in this post, because I feel like if I'm going to discuss issues of race and accountability, I should at least come clean about who I am in real life. However, there are just too many posts on this blog that I don't want co-workers or family members to stumble upon accidentally (even though they probably already have) so the best I can offer is that I am, in fact, a real human with real living, breathing friends and loved ones and acquaintances. Real life challenges and real life successes. I'm pretty normal in most respects.

And, being a member of the white race, and living in a society in which the white race is the race of privilege, I am, in fact, a racist. Which is to say that I participate in a racist system, and in spite of all of the things about me that might put me at a disadvantage in the world, I am inherently advantaged when it comes to race. I am a racist simply by existing. I was awarded white privilege by virtue of being born. There's not really a damn thing I can do about it other than acknowledge it and recognize how it affects my life and the life of those around me.

This is not something that can be excused, nor is my acknowledgement of it something that I should be congratulated for. It just is.

The problem I had with the debate at Iron Blog was that there seemed to be more than one person (not just my challenger) who would have us believe that white privilege doesn't really exist, or that there's some sort of benefit that comes from white people and people of color falsely "claiming" that white privilege exists. Maybe to hold over the head of white males? I dunno.

I don't know what it's like to be a person of color in our society. I do know what it's like to be a woman. And, while race and gender do not necessarily present the same issues, I do understand being a person who holds white privilege from the standpoint of being a person who does not hold male privilege.

Which is to say that there are issues of power that are inherent in relationships between white people and people of color, just as there are issues of power that are inherent in relationships between men and women. They might not be noticable, and what I've observed is that the closer you are to someone who has less societal privilege than you have, the more leeway you have in the relationship, but the issues never go away. At least not as far as I have seen.

I think that's about all I can write for right now. I'm getting bogged down by my own thoughts on the subject, and I feel like I need to do this a little bit at a time...partially (selfishly) to see if people are actually listening, although this stuff is good for me to put into words whether or not they get read. Partially, also, because there's just so much to say, and i feel like I ran the ironman triathalon last week rather than participated in a mere debate at iron blog. So I'm sorta tired.

The questions, because I promised them, that I have had to ask myself and that I continue to ask myself, is...really...how are my interactions with people colored by my biases and privilege? How are the daily choices I make influenced by those same biases and privileges? What do I miss out on by acting on biases and privileges, and what can I gain by being more aware of how race influences the relationships that I have with other people?

I just got a phone call in the middle of writing this, and now i'm abslutely exhausted. I'm going to try to pick this up tomorrow and see where I can take it. Until then...take care...

Posted at 2:40 PM • Comments (9) • TrackBack

Forthcoming...and some personal notes

August 16, 2004

The scoring is in at Iron Blog and my challenger has won the debate. It was such a hard battle, but I learned a lot, and I'm pleased that my writing style was appreciated by all of the judges whose notes I have read thus far. Really practicing writing in a challenging way was really my main objective in joining the iron bloggers...I just happened to get a topic that was really important to me right off the bat, and I think that made me more nervous and self-important than was useful for that forum.

Additionally, it's really difficult to not jump the topic when dealing with anything that has anything to do with race. I kept finding myself in the midst of these long posts about white privilege, and I would have to remind myself to stop what I was doing and try to actually link to and write about AFFIRMATIVE ACTION, which was the topic of the debate. I really feel that you can't argue for affirmative action without laying the groundwork about white privilege...and I didn't have a lot of time to do that. Plus, it sort of doesn't help when there are some people who really don't believe that there is such a thing as white privilege. I joked with the chairman that I would have been really screwed had I tried to argue about affirmative action from the anarchist perspective or an anti-capitalist perspective...

But all of those topics - white privilege, anarchism, anti-captitalism...they all feed the debate. And I would like to spend some time this week talking about race for sure, and perhaps dissecting some ideas i had in a conversation with my friends p&c about capitalism and democracy...because they brought up some really important stuff. And I'd also like to talk about affirmative action based on socio-economic status.

I was disturbed that my opponent in the debate felt like he had to defend himself for being a white male. I was also hair-tearingly frustrated with the fact that, after 8000 words on the subject, one of the commentors distilled the argument down to "There is nothing equal about lowering standards to increase diversity." Ack!

At any rate, here are some things I'd like to remind myself to maybe post about this week, if I have time (and the things that will be interfering with my time will be explained in the latter part of this post):

-more on white privilege - my life as a whitey, maybe? a confessional, of sorts? I am thinking I can do a series on white privilege and racism, since i'm all hopped up. I'm hoping that perhaps some of the people who were involved in the debate at iron blog will participate and maybe there can be an honest and fruitful discussion here? Stop laughing! I'm going to try, anyway!

-I also had a thought the other night when talking with friends about choices/options and race.

-Living a sheltered life - There was something that my challenger in the debate mentioned about a friend of his that he thought was absolutely remarkable, and I thought was entirely unremarkable. I can't tell if I'm just a freak, or if there are some people who are living incredibly sheltered lives.

-how democracy and capitalism don't really mix. P really had some awesome things to say about this...and I am hoping that maybe I can encourage her to blog some of her thoughts over on her blog, whenever she gets her computer up and running again. In the meantime, I'm just going to totally steal her thoughts and add some of my own, because I'm a usurper.

***

However, I have all of this life stuff that I need to do in the meantime. And I have stuff to write about that, as well. Like:

-control freak co-worker is at it again! Fun adventures!

-working with seniors. How much do I love my job?

-Monk has become, like, out of control bossy/smart. He keeps trying to parent cole for me because he claims I'm "not paying attention." Gee...I wonder where he's getting THAT from?

-relationship realignments and rethinking my plans for the future

-group cooking!

-not back to school!

-My crazy dogs (with pictures!)

-I also really want to push the iron blog. I've really grown to love that place. I have to say that i've never been a huge fan of formal debate, but now I understand the potential of promoting discussion in a "safe" environment where people are held to certain standards of decorum. This doesn't mean I am abandoning my ideas about getting down and dirty when need be...but I think the chairman at iron blog is a hell of a guy who is doing something really special, and I hope you all support the space there. Right now, we're looking for people to judge and challenge and design templates and donate money...so if any of those things are up your alley (susan, I think you would make an excellent judge and an awesome challenger)...go volunteer!

***

But, life is definitely needing to be lived here...so I am not sure how much of that list will get taken care of. Tomorrow is the not-back-to-school party at the pool (we're such brats!) I fully intend to take my kids out to the schoolyard to fly kites during school hours on the next breezy day, and I am pretty busy all week with work and activities for the kiddos. This weekend, I have to get my house ready for my friend R, who is coming to stay here at the end of this month with her three kids. It should be fun, but I'm still trying to decide where to put them. I have plenty of room, it's just a matter of rearranging things and doing all of the important organizing and decluttering that I've been putting off forever. So, yeah...that'll be happening this week/end, as well.

Anyway, it's late. I'm tired...and i think the olympics are still on. I love love love the swimming and the gymnastics. And the running. And the cycling. Hell, i'd watch water polo if I had cable.

I hope everyone is doing well...

Posted at 10:35 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

I couldn't have said it better

August 14, 2004

(and, at this point, having just finished my closing arguments for the AA debate, i don't think i can even try)

School Days At Home:

The fundamental principle of teaching that I have observed is that humans — and especially young ones — are relentless learning organisms. It’s harder to prevent learning than it is to facilitate it. Sometimes when I read the ideas of professional educators, I wonder if they are trying too hard or just acting like the rooster who believes his crowing causes the sun to come up.

Another aspect of homeschooling that I appreciate is that I don’t have to get involved in the politics and policies of the schools. It is clear that an incredible amount of civic energy is required to run a large centralized school system that must strive — yet never fully succeed — to simultaneously meet the individual needs of so many students. And a state-run compulsory school system can spawn such problematic and wasteful policies as No Child Left Behind. I’m amazed at the obsession with testing, which apparently most parents accept.

Some people homeschool because they want to provide a Christian environment for their children. Part of the reason we homeschool is that we believe that we can provide an environment more conducive to critical thinking and individuality than a mass-schooling situation does. There are no Coke machines in our halls, and we are totally free to discuss current events (and history for that matter) outside the parameters of consensus reality.

Posted at 11:09 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

2nd rebuttal - affirmative action

August 13, 2004

It's up at Iron Blog. My ass hurts, I'm really really dizzy, and someone seriously needs to come and clean my kitchen for me.

Posted at 11:46 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Everything is beautiful...

August 12, 2004

Maybe it's because it's Thursday, and I don't have to wake up and go to my other job in the morning tomorrow...maybe it's the weather - a breezy, not too hot 80-something...maybe it's just the sudden surge of a tremendous communal vibe I'm feeling. Whatever it is, I feel like everything is immensely beautiful. Everything.

Even L, who called me last night to complain that the kids are acting strange and stressed out since I started working this second job and have been "carting them all over town" every day. Ah, the irony. I felt like telling him that if he would pay the freaking miniscule amount of child support he owes me, I might not have to work another job to pay the bills and buy new clothes and curriculum for the kids...but I didn't even bother. I empathized with him, because I know it's difficult to struggle with Coley when he's having a rough time of things, but the kids honestly have been having a great time with the people they are hanging with. The people who are watching them for the 16 extra hours I'm having to work a week are all close friends of mine, wonderful, wonderful people who love my children...and the children are playing and being played with and enjoying their time. Yes, it's tricky for them to have to wake up early and load into the car. Yes, *I* have been more tired, more grouchy, and less able to do any major activities with them. But I will NOT have L try to accuse me of being an inferior parent. I am working my ass off because of those kids, not in spite of them. Jackass.

So, anyway...I was saying. Ahem. It's been a great day. The kids came home last night in spite of l's desire to keep them over. They woke up refreshed, hung out with friends all morning...and we came home and had lunch, and enjoyed a car ride to pick up a freecycle in the not-quite-crisp, but-significantly-crisper-than-normal air. Then we came home and went to the playground, where coley played in the sandbox and I lay on the ground under the playscape and let Monk drop pebbles on me for an hour or so. It was a peaceful thing.

Summer here is never-ending, and I tend to hibernate. And I miss the long luxurious days at the playground. Monk and I have decided that we are going to start doing playground games with the homeschoolers who come over for math/logic game day. We'll do math/logic games for an hour or so in the morning, and then we'll eat lunch, and then we'll head over to the playground and play games like tag, capture the flag, four square, hopscotch...even basketball and tennis! Maybe have a different game every month or two months or something. It seems like such a fun way to introduce Monk to (and remind myself of) all of those playground days of my youth.

So, yeah. The weather has me making all sorts of plans for the coming season. And it's beautiful. We have lots of fun stuff going on. Chess club, craft class, math/logic mondays, perhaps a reading club and maybe geocaching.

And, just lately I feel like there has been an overwhelming amount of postive human interaction in my life, and that's beautiful, too. I have been getting to know a new/old friend recently, and I just realized today that he will be one of these people who will be in my life for a very long time. He doesn't live in Austin, but maybe that's even better. He sent me an envelope full of great music and I'm teaching him how to cook long distance. It's the perfect symbiosis. It promises to be a most rewarding friendship, and I really need that, I think. I need to have relationships where I feel like I have at least as much to give as I am getting.

Additionally, I've gotten some extremely thoughtful comments here, and e-mails from people on various subjects...and it's just been very nice. Everyone is so supportive of what I write about here. It really helps. I feel compelled to do this, you know? It's more of an obsession than anything else, but it's still hard to put stuff out there like this, and it's hugely rewarding when I get so much back. So, I thank you. All of you who have bothered to read this blog over the past few years or just recently. It really means a lot to have an audience to all of my various neuroses, temporary moments of genius and stupidity, and just the various little stories that write themselves throughout the day. It's daunting, but wonderful to share. And I really have missed sitting down with my computer every day and writing my random thoughts throughout the day.

And even the Iron Blog, where the debate is head-on, full-on...everyone is so gentle with one another. While I feel like anger and rage has its definite place in dialog like this, it's nice to have one forum where rage needs to be funneled through diplomacy and kindness forward. I've been working really hard on my posts, almost feeling like it's too hard for me to continue, because it really does take a lot of time I don't necessarily have...but it's been very rewarding. I feel honored to be a part of the project. Truly. And I'm honored by the responses both to myself and my challenger.

And then, there's this wonderful community I'm feeling here in Austin. I feel, especially with the miraculous amounts of help I've been getting with childcare, really well-cared for by my community. There have been times when I have felt very vulnerable, and on shaky ground financially and emotionally due to all that I'm going through. But when I have a specific need, it seems like everyone really comes through for me. I need to see that as a lesson, and either make sure to voice specific needs more regularly, or just pay closer attention to the wonderful silent machinations of my community. And to honor it.

There is definitely a large party in my future - perhaps for the autumnal equinox - I feel the need to celebrate all of this beauty that surrounds me, while surrounding the beauty I'm celebrating. You all are invited, of course...I'll keep you posted.

Feelin' Free
(words/Michael Franti)

I wanna thank you
for the seeds you've planted in me
I wanna thank you
for the earth that roots my feet
I wanna thank you
for the sun that greens my leaves
I wanna thank you for the mystery, mystery

(chorus)
But it seems to me
that I'm about to be
feelin' free now
Take a bow when you feel like a superstar
Shake your pants
when you feel what's inside your heart
Throw your hands in the air
when you feel like love is your need
and if you can't feel a think just hold onto me.

Please remember me
when I close my eyes
Please remember me
when I scream my silent cries
Will you remember me
when i'm not doin' my best
Will you remember me
whan my spirit needs to rest.

Posted at 4:45 PM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

Affirmative Action - First rebuttal

August 11, 2004

check it out...

Posted at 7:29 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

It's up.

August 9, 2004

I spent about 3 or 4 hours today writing my opening argument for my first Iron Blog debate...and it's up! Damn, that's hard. I think it would have been a bit quicker if I had high speed internet access, since I like to use a lot of links.

But, gah. To think I used to actually post long posts like that just about every day here. I don't know how I found the time!

Anyway, I have total ass coma. I hope it was worth the effort.

Posted at 11:16 PM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

My first Iron Blog Challenge - Affirmative Action

August 8, 2004

Wish me luck! You can follow along here, with what should be a pretty interesting debate.

So much to cover, so little time.

Posted at 11:01 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Hi.

August 8, 2004

Do you like my new haircut/color?

(more below...click to make bigger. Evidently, self-portraiture takes a lot more concentration than one would imagine...I'm usually a bit more smiley than this pics would indicate)


(actually, that looks more like a sneer than a smile, but you get the idea...sort of.)

Posted at 4:01 PM • Comments (12) • TrackBack

Men, depression, and raising boys.

August 8, 2004

I have a lot of stuff going through my head right now, and i'm going to see if I can sort through some of it by writing here. Perhaps, too, some of you have resources or input you can provide or we can all discuss with regard to this topic.

It's no secret that the father of my children suffers from depression. As does my father. In fact, depression and mental illness and imbalance seems to flow like sap in the veins and arteries of the family trees on both sides of my boys' families.

I've also dealt with depression outside of my family. Within my extended family of friends there has been rampant drug abuse, alcoholism, suicide, and general malaise.

Unsurprisingly, J is another depressive male who is in my life. In fact, I can't think of a single man I have EVER been interested in to any degree who has not struggled with depression. It manifests in different ways, but it's always there. Some manage to overcome and function somewhat normally, but it's a constant struggle for many of them.

Last night, I had a very interesting discussion with J about men and depression. I'm hoping I'm not violating his trust by disclosing some of his insights, as well as mine.

First of all, I have to say that J is unique in how he deals with his depression. He's incredibly self-aware, and seemingly unafraid to confront issues head-on. He claims he has a tendency towards avoidance, which might be true, but whenever I bring things up with him that are in any possible way due to his internal stuff, he's always been extremely open to discussion about it, and seems to be interested in working on things.

This is healing to me, because I think part of the trauma of being in a relationship with L was all of the denial. I feel like i'm repeating things i've said a thousand times before...but being in a relationship with a depressive in denial is like walking into a room and suddenly there's no gravity. And everything is floating around in the air, and you say "Yo - what the fuck is going on here? Why isn't there any gravity in this room?" and the depressive in denial will sit there and say "I have no earthly clue what you are talking about. Everything seems perfectly normal to me! you must be crazy!"

You get the picture. Imagine that, multiplied by about 10 years, and you can see why I have a tendency to be reluctant to even broach the subject of depression with a depressive individual.

I'm learning with J, though. It's safe. If i say there's no gravity in the room, J will generally say "Wow. You are right. Sorry about that...I'm going to see if I can fix it." And he gets right on it. Usually.

Last night was different. Yesterday was different. Yesterday, J fucked up about 8 different ways. Maybe more. But the worst part was that I spent the whole day with him, in a situation where I couldn't really address anything with him, and he didn't say anything. And then when we were in a position to talk about it, he ASKED ME what was up...and ACTED SURPRISED when I told him. I felt like denial was happening.

However, here's the thing, in my relationship with J it has always been safe for me to speak my mind. And I think we have had enough mini confrontations that have worked out in both of our favor for me to have the confidence to call bullshit on his denial. And I did. I was so fucking proud of myself. I puffed up and I said "Look. You can't do this. You can't pretend like you didn't notice what was wrong about your behavior today. You can't pretend like you didn't make choices that were hurtful to me. YOu can't apologize, but turn the responsibility back on me. That's not OK with me, and I expect better of you."

I did it. Ladies and gentlemen. I successfully had a real fight with J, and I have to say that it felt strangely good. Perhaps this is what I've been building up to. It was a legitimate argument...I didn't have to make shit up to get pissed about...and it had a beginning, a middle, and a pretty clearly defined end. I could fight with him without feeling excessively angry, but I allowed myself to feel the anger that was real, and he didn't try to invalidate that anger.

I think I'm getting off track here. My point is that I think I've suffered pretty serious damage from all of the relationships I've been in that have existed under the pall of someone else's depression. But what's encouraging is that, in my relationship with J, I'm discovering that I can recover from that damage. Amazingly, I don't HAVE to find a man that ISN'T depressed (which seems to be an impossibility in my life) - I just have to find a man who is honest and proactive about his depression.

This is so encouraging to me as a woman who enjoys a variety of relationships with a plethora of men, and it's also encouraging to me as a mother.

Because I worry about my boys. They are so beautiful...The thought of them in turmoil. The thought of them turning to unhealthy expressions of rage or sorrow eats at me. It's so common in my family. Abuse, alcoholism, drug abuse, suicide. It gnaws. I've been witness to all of these things, and none of them are acceptable options for my children.

I know I don't have the ability to control how they choose to deal with the depression they will inevitably experience in their lives. But what is becoming clear to me is that I do have the ability to influence them and to give them healthy tools for dealing with it.

First, being honest about their family history - about the way depression manifests in the family, and the methods that other people in the family have chosen to deal with it. This discussion happens in age-appropriate fits and starts. Sometimes, maybe not so age appropriate. Monk, for months, would on and off talk about how he was going to kill himself...or how he was going to kill his brother. I knew from the way he spoke those words that he wasn't expressing sadness for himself, but was finding words that he new would disturb me. And, of course, having had direct experience with suicide of a loved one in my life, his words affected me every time. Finally, one day, i just told him.

"Look, Monk...i have to tell you that it really hurts me to hear you say you are going to kill yourself, like it's a joke. Because someone I loved very much killed himself. not a day goes by that I don't think about him...and when you talk about it like that, it makes me feel very sad. I wish you wouldn't do it anymore."

He gave me his smirky look, and it's only now - about 2 months later - that I'm realizing he hasn't mentioned killing himself since that day. It was an honest exchange, and I think he understood.

But, it's hard. Do I tell them that their father suffers from depression? Do I tell them that j does. i think it would be instructive for them to observe how different people deal with those feelings, but I don't want to turn friends and relatives into case studies to observe.

And, it's weird. Because while I used to be depressed quite frequently...I don't find myself to be depressive in general. I told J that I think I'm like a cat. I find myself falling, and somehow I always manage to right myself. It didn't used to be that easy for me, but it has become easier over time. J says that's one of the things that draws him to me. That I give him hope.

I hope he realizes that he gives me hope, too. It might be more of a struggle for him, but I think he deals with his issues with a great deal of sensitivity and dignity. Sometimes he might fuck up. Sometimes shit gets the better of him. But he does...he works hard to make things right.

I frequently think about my life with L, and the reasons for splitting up with him. I think about the vows of marriage that I made, particularly "in sickness and in health." I took those vows seriously, and those vows were what kept me in the relationship to endure a significant amount of sickness. The problem with those vows is they are intended to assume that the sickness would be treated in some way, or at least acknowledged so it could be dealt with.

I feel like this post didn't come near to expressing what I wanted it to. I want my boys to be accepting of their own undesirable traits. I want them to acknowledge their weaknesses as they celebrate their strengths. I want them to understand that mental illness does not make them unworthy of love. I want them to have the full breadth and depth of experience allowable. I want them to be unstoppable. I want them to be whole.

Posted at 11:28 AM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

Ahhhhhhh.

August 7, 2004

It was a nice evening. I needed the detox from the runaround week.

What's weird about not having the kids here is the lack of hurry. I feel like I'm constantly having to rush during the week to account for the fact that I have to get everyone ready and out the door. I'm finding that I have to combat that when they are gone. My tendency is to make huge lists of things I need to do and panic if i don't accomplish them, as if there is suddenly more time in the day when the kids aren't here. There isn't, and I rarely get stuff done. Probably because I'm still relearning how to live without them in my immediate presence. I'm learning how to have long stretches of free time. It's not easy to learn.

I forget, for instance, that I can come home between activities. That I can go several places in one outing (and not have to think about loading and unloading children in/from the car) and I can leave the house late at night and go have fun until the wee hours.

So, last night, I got all dressed up, and I set out on an adventure that began with coffee and ended with a long walk and talk with an old friend that lasted until the wee hours. It was very nice. I found him at the coffee shop, and, while I had intended to spend the evening alone, it was nice to have a surprise guest.

We didn't do anything special. We just "caught up." I like catching up. I'm notoriously horrible about staying in touch, so I spend a lot of my time catching up with people I have dropped out of touch with at various points in my life.

Last night reminded me that there are wonderful people on the perimeter of my life, who might be waiting for a phone call from me. I need to practice that. I need to practice asking people out. I need to plan ahead so that I'm sure to do that, rather than waiting until the last minute...because so many of my friends are parents, and the last minute sometimes just doesn't work for them. Anal person of the world that I am, I am actually thinking about making a list of all of the people I never get to see anymore, and scheduling time to call them so we can hang out...

...being careful, of course, to schedule time for myself - to hang out in coffee shops and stumble over old disconnections.

Yes I will
Michael Franti

I received the letter that you wrote me
On a dark, cold and cloudy day
Reminding me on the side of the road
You find the light, you'll find a friend,
You'll find a way
But today I'm felling all broke down
I ain't got the faintest clue 'bout what to do
Can't comprehend the situation at hand
so I try my best, just to get back home to you

(Chorus)
Gonna keep on walking now
Yes I will
Gonna keep on talkin' loud
Yes I will
Gonna keep on singin' bout it
Yes I will
Gonna keep on ringing out
Yes I will

I believe that what you sing to the clouds
will rain upon you when your sun, has gone away
And I believe, that what you dream to the moon
Will manifest, before you rest, another day
So stay strong, and sleep long when you need to
let the mornin' take you right on through the day
And when you find you're at the end of the road
just lift your head up
Spread your wings and fly away

(chorus)

When you're lost and alone
That's when the rainbow comes
When you're lost and alone
that's when the rainbow comes for you

Posted at 8:01 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Stressed Out.

August 5, 2004

Well, thank goodness THAT'S over with, I say, as I put another hash mark on the wall.

Today...was difficult. This week was difficult. In addition to all of the normal stress in my life, I got my period, a letter from the IRS, and a whole lot of headache from the co-worker I do so dearly love to hate - all in the span of two days.

We all know about menstruation, so I'll skip that one. It's nothing major, just hormonal fluctuations that make me a little less able (or willing) to put up with the bullshit I normally have to smile through on a daily basis.

The letter from the IRS was to inform me that I did not pay taxes on a certain withdrawal from a certain taxable/penalty account. I've looked at my tax return from that year (the only year I've ever paid someone else to do my taxes for me) and it looks like I did, indeed, pay taxes on that withdrawal. I'm thinking (hoping) the problem is that the tax preparer rounded UP and the computer that was looking for anomalies to flag rounded DOWN, therefore causing a discrepency. But, who knows. Maybe I owe a bunch more in taxes than I thought I did. That would suck, but I'm not really all that stressed about it. It does, however, add to the load a bit. I can't deny that.

Then yesterday, I just happened to be looking over the schedule for work and it occured to me that since my control-freak co-worker is on vacation, her assistant might not have been reminded that he was supposed to assist in an off-site training the next day (today). So, I called him. Found out that, indeed, he did not know he was supposed to be there and that he, in fact, COULD not be there...since control-freak was on vacation and there was no one else to cover their site.

So I told him "We'll take care of it." And hung up. Then realized that it would be difficult for us to take care of it, along with everything else that needed to be done that night. Then discovered that MY assistant would be chauffering control freak around town the next day (today) so, evidently, she had returned from her vacation. (My question of the day is WHY on EARTH is this person making her co-workers...even the ones she doesn't even work with...drive her around? Has she NO friends? Seriously? I mean, gah! I know it's petty of me, but I just want to tell her to GET a freaking LIFE.) So I asked my boss, who happened to be on site with me, to please talk to control freak about it in the morning and come up with a solution - as I was going to be out of pocket.

What went down was this. Control freak was being driven around (I cracked myself up today by saying that my assistant was "driving ms. (control freak co-worker's real name, which sounds a LOT like daisy." Bahahhahahaha) by my assistant, and she casually mentioned to him "I'm glad you are taking care of assisting at that training. Now, the last my assistant had heard, it was all up in the air, and I was going to let him know what he was going to be doing later that day. He assumed that control freak had spoken to me, and just sort of didn't say anything at all.

Later that day, when control freak met with my boss, and he asked her about it...she just said "Oh, it's all taken care of." And my boss, of course, assumed she had spoken to me.

Meanwhile, the volunteer coordinator had sent all of the materials to the OTHER assistant to be copied, and cc'ed me on that e-mail, so I was assuming that it had been taken care of in the other direction.

You know where I'm heading with this, don't you?

I mean, it was all pretty much a reasonable misunderstanding, on EVERYONE'S part. But let's think about this, shall we...when you think about it, it's clear where the misunderstanding ORIGINATED. It ORIGINATED from control-freak's fuck up. The rest of it was everyone else trying to cover for her fuck up. So when, after I talked to my boss and asked him to please see if we could work it out so control-freak's assistant could cover it...and control freak called me back and tried to give ME attitude at 3 in the afternoon when I had a child hanging from my arm and the other running circles around me. I was in no mood to quibble about whose fault it was, and even LESS of a mood to listen to her imply in any way, shape, or form that I was somehow TO FUCKING BLAME for ANY of this.

You hear what i'm saying?

Let me remind you, this is the same co-worker who is basically forcing everyone to play with her by insisting on having a mandatory party at her daddy's house. And it's the same co-worker who is constantly prosyletizing about her atkins diet success story. And the same co-worker who, in one work meeting, talked about how much more PROFESSIONAL she looks, now that she's lost all of that weight.

J, sweetheart that he is, endured about an hour's worth of bitching from me about this today, and commented that I should be thankful that her diet has made her so much more professional. Just think where I might be without Atkin's today?

So, I hang up with her. And, you know, all she REALLY needed to say was "I'm so sorry for the inconvenience! What can we do to work this out so it's not so much of a pain in the ass for you?" Rather than "Sorry, but YOU SAID, and HE SAID, and EVERYONE SAID." you know? Because people fuck up sometimes. I'm hip to that. I fuck up, too. And I'm about as conciliatory as a person can get when I fuck up. I've fucked up with things that she has been responsible for, as well, and have been very apologetic about them only to be smacked down by her. At least two or three times. So, fuck her. I hung up with her and immediately called my boss to complain.

oh, but first? I had to answer a call from L. He was calling, fifteen minutes before he was supposed to come and get the kids, to tell me he would be an HOUR OR SO late. When I asked him what he wanted me to do with the children while I went to work, he laughed at me. Fucker.

But, yr damn straight I complained to my boss about it. His advice was to talk to her, but I don't think this is a problem that talking can solve. So, basically, I just talked it over with him until it was VERY clear that I was NOT responsible for this fuckup, and I was not going to own it. I was FIXING it, but I wasn't responsible for it. In his ever-so-diplomatic way, basically told me that I was right and she was wrong and that it would probably be ok for me to go ahead and feel all superior about it and let it lie.

Which is fine by me. The times i have tried to confront control freak about her inability to accept responsibility and tendency to bitch me out for HELPING HER ASS OUT. I've been hung up on, left nasty messages, and plain old disrespected. I don't really need to go there.

So, whatever. The day is over. My sweetie will be here in a little while to relax and listen to music. The boys are sleeping. Evil mama is on hiatus, and nice mama will wake up in the morning, make breakfast, take the children to the library, make lunch, and take the children swimming tomorrow. Then, when papa picks them up...mama's gonna have some nice, quiet, alone time. Then mama's going to tear the living room dance floor up and see if she can get some real work done around here. Take out some of that aggression on scrub scrub scrubbing that kitchen floor.

Posted at 10:39 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Horoscope.

August 3, 2004

I've been getting daily horoscopes from tarot.com for about a year now. I'm not a particularly horoscopey type person, but for some reason, perhaps sheer desperation for some form of direction, I signed up for the daily horoscope to be sent to my e-mail box.

99% of the time, it is so freaking right on target for me, it freaks me right out! No kidding. Here's the one I got on Sunday:

You are still pulling yourself out of the grand funk you'd worked yourself into recently over a difficult situation. For you, awareness means knowledge and authority -- and this gives you the certainty you need to make things happen. The only problem is that the situation will probably not unfold according to your plan. Things are moving too fast and there's no way to maintain control over all the variables. Decide what's most important and hold onto that.

I had to read it twice to make sure I didn't write it to myself. I then forwarded it to my friend kate, who I'm sure will totally understand how it applies to me, with a message that said something like "Holy fuck! Will the individual who is living INSIDE OF MY HEAD please stop writing these horoscopes and sending them to me, please?"

Here's the thing - I DID spend all weekend, in spite of the joy, and much of last week in a bit of a self-induced funk. I think I even CALLED it a funk. Several times. And the reason for the funk is I have this way about me...Some may call it a tendency towards, erm, control issues...but, I dunno if that's completely accurate. My thing is just that I have no patience for anything. I don't want to WAIT and SEE how things PLAY OUT! I want to know what the end result will be RIGHT FUCKING NOW! So I can decide if it's worth sticking around for. Please?

In the meantime, all of the wonderful things that are happening just aren't good enough for me, because, you know, I want to know if those wonderful things will be around forever. It's like, I can't enjoy what's right in fucking front of me because I'm thinking about what's about a mile or so ahead of me. Maybe even more.

The most obvious situation in my life in which this weird character flaw of mine is my relationship with J. J...is great. I mean, there's no doubt about it. We have problems, and there are some issues. But he's a wonderful human being, and we really have fun together, and, really, my relationship with J is such a reprieve from the rest of my weird-ass stressful life. It has the potential to be an actual sanctuary, if I let it.

But, all too frequently, I just get freaked out at the nature of it all. Maybe it's a little too perfect. Maybe the simplicity of it seems too shallow. Perhaps I'm addicted to trauma (which, I have heard, is a very real concern among people who have endured traumatic relationships). Whatever the reason, I just feel - about on a monthly basis - this intense desire to just get into a HUGE fight with J. Poor guy. I've told him this, too. He sort of laughs nervously, as do I. I know it's not really his fault, but it's the fact that I can't control the outcome of what might or might not happen between us, and that drives me freaking nuts.

I don't normally consider myself a "control freak" as in wanting to control what other people do. But I guess my visceral reaction to this horoscope, and the way I deal with J and maybe some other people in my life, indicates that I have to really pay attention to how my desire to predict outcomes, or to create predictable outcomes, effects how I perceive and enjoy the present. That, instead of thinking about all that CAN be, and all that potentially WON'T be, I should concentrate on all that IS.

And, damnit, I think that's a pretty good revelation for a free horoscope.

Posted at 10:02 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Grouchy

August 3, 2004

I'm feeling a bit grouchy this week. Perhaps because I've been listening to Rush Limbaugh on the way home from work, with my windows rolled down because there's no A/C in my van at the moment (and, if I can survive August without it, there's no point in getting it fixed until next year!)

But also because I was REALLY planning to spend the weekend alone this weekend. Absolutely, totally ALONE, and then I remembered my co-worker is throwing a mandatory (!) end of year party at her parent's luxury estate, which is basically in the middle of fucking nowhere, about 2 1/2 hours away.

How fucked is that? I'd say...very fucked. Why, oh why, am I being forced to drive 2 1/2 hours for a stupid meeting and picnic, when there are about a million good picnic spots right here in lovely Austin? Well, because this is control freak co-worker we are talking about...and when control freak co-worker threw an optional party at her parent's luxury estate last year, no one came. So, this year she made it mandatory.

Two and a half FREAKING hours. I'm displeased. I think I'm even going to have to cancle my hair appointment, because I didn't realize that it was quite that far.

OK, I promise in the near future I will post something that is not quite so self-involved. But, for now, yr just going to have to deal with my grouchy self-absorption.

Posted at 7:37 AM • Comments (6) • TrackBack

It's not life-saving medicine, but it might save the rainforest.

August 3, 2004

Well, for MOST, it's not life-saving medicine, anyway. I might beg to differ as a sip from my big mug this morning.

Science News Article | Reuters.com

"Coffee ... ranks among the five most valuable agricultural exports from developing nations, employs over 25 million people worldwide, and is cultivated in many of the world's most biodiverse regions," they wrote.

Pollination by wild bees increased coffee yields by 20 percent when tropical forest existed within about half a mile of the forest, they found.

And coffee trees visited by wild bees from the jungle were 27 percent less likely to produce "peaberries" -- small, misshapen seeds that result from inadequate pollination.

[link courtesy of p6]

Posted at 7:32 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Movement.

August 1, 2004

The last post was about suspension, but it seems that even in suspension, the days move inexorably onward. Last time I blinked, it was Friday. I remember that feeling of the weekend yawning before me. Now it is Sunday, and I have about 4 hours to do all of the things I promised myself I would do this weekend, in terms of domesticity. I have lasagnas to bake...well, first I have tomato sauce to make, lasagnas to bake, house to clean. Fuck the lawn - it will have to go another week, maybe three. Too hot to play outside, anyway. I mended the hole in the fence that the dogs were getting through. That was a priority, lest I have to waste any more of the precious time remaining wandering the streets in search of google-eyed Boston Terrier and his floppy-eared beagle companion. Yes. The fence got mended first. We have to prioritize these things.

Actually, I should say that fun was the first priority. Last night, Goddess night, I felt like a goddess all night. It was a very nice evening. Romantic, exciting, inspiring, spectacular. I thoroughly enjoyed every little bit of it, and am anxious to participate again. It was a nice treat, and I couldn't have asked for a nicer companion.

I got my hair done yesterday morning. I went in with a ratted mass of overgrown tangles and splet ends that hadn't been properly styled in i don't know how long, and I walked out looking like a deranged 50's housewife. I felt like donning a frilly skirt and mixing a martini all day until I was able to undo the cheesy styling the hair dresser did and achieve haircut satisfaction. The problem, I think, is that I asked for funky, and she was nervous about applying true funk. So she went halfway to funk and I got retro. But after I washed and dried (I even invested in hair care products (!) and styled (!) my hair, I thought it looked quite cute. It's really short in back (I'd like it to be shorter) and it has long layers on top and in front and what felt at first like annoying fringe in front of my ears but what now is cutely tucked behind my ears and what last night was cutely curled up towards my face. I like it.

I wore lipstick, too...and eyeliner. Holy fuck! I'm turning into some sort of mutant femme-girl. I even wore the thick platform heel boots i got through freecycle a couple of weeks ago, thinking "I'll NEVER wear these things!" and a couple of new items of clothing I picked up on clearance racks. I had fun getting all dressed up. I felt good in a different way than I normally feel when I feel good.

The evening included really excellent food at Ararat, really excellent (i'm guessing, although I'm not an expert, by any measure) wine courtesy of J. (I was pleasantly surprised to discover that I am currently dating a man who owns Wine accessories, and who, evidently, knows his way around the liquor store. Yet another one of those weird surprises that occurs when you think you KNOW someone, and you have to wonder where they picked up that particular talent or knowledge, you know?)(There are a few talents that J has that I have to wonder about. That I, in fact, spend more time pondering than should be permitted.)

The evening was intoxicating, even if the pleasantly mild wine was not. There were belly dancers at dinner, and a flutist. There were belly dancers after dinner, as well as Drag Kings and some really hot fire dancing. And I mean hot in the figurative sense. These ladies were amazing.

Fire dancing was one of those things that was really popular back when I was in my early twenties, and I always passed it off as some sort of "freakier than thou" kind of thing that my friends were always interested in, but I felt I was above, or something. Probably it turned me off because it was/is really about celebrating the body, and all through my twenties, before I had Monk, I was all about hiding and denying that I had a body. An ex-boyfriend once told me that I always acted like it felt uncomfortable for me to have a body, like I felt like I should be floating around unencumbered, and my body chained me to the ground. And that wasn't a comment on my size, either, because at the time I was considerably smaller than I am now.

He was right, of course. I still don't know why I was so uninterested in things of the body. Sex didn't appeal to me, working out was fun because it was an escape, and perhaps my working out was the beginnings of realizing the strength of my body. It really wasn't until I became pregnant that I "came to" in this body and realized its beauty...its power. But after the trauma of Monk's birth, I quickly forgot all of that, until Coley was born at home and I once again truly understood all that my body was/is capable of.

Perhaps that's why I have so much nervous energy lately. I feel like this stage of my life is about sitting still when all I want to do is move. I want to learn how to belly dance. I want to work out. I want to sweat. I want to fuck. I want to move my body through water, through sand, up mountains, around obstacles. But I'm having to wait. Eternal waiting. Holding still. Watching everything move around me and feeling like I might never catch up.

So last night was about movement. It was gorgeous. Thanks to the lovely ladies who moved me, and the wonderful man who moved through it with me.

Posted at 12:41 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack