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I'm on a rampage.

August 27, 2004

So, i guess it was Wednesday at 2 in the afternoon that L called to inform me that he was going to the emergency room to deal with a pinched nerve...and that he probably wouldn't be able to watch the kids on Wednesday and Thursday.

Mind you, this is our visitation schedule we are talking about...a schedule that the children have adapted to, and one from which they do not particularly care to deviate. Mind you, as well, that I have no way to contact L short of driving over to where he lives and hoping that he's there. Neither do his children.

Today is Friday. He was supposed to be here to pick up his younger child for special time. I sent him an e-mail this afternoon asking if we should expect him. I have received no reply. He also hasn't attempted to contact his children to talk to them since he last saw them on Tuesday evening.

Is there ANYTHING that will make this person understand that being a parent isn't a duty from which you can just call in sick? Is it REALLY that difficult for him to send his children an e-mail, or call? Or at least let us know if and when he plans to see his children again? Seriously.

I just totaled the amount of child support he currently owes me and it's nearing the thousand dollar mark. After my class at the senior center is over next week, I'm going to pursue finalizing the divorce. This is bullshit. Evidently, I need to really put L before a judge for him to understand that there are certain expectations that parents must fulfill to be adequate in the eyes of society. He certainly doesn't listen to me when I tell him this. He pretended to listen to my lawyer, but proceeded to completely ignore every obligation he's held to in the temporary orders. Even his own step-father (who called here last week and got an earful from me) has no idea what L is up to.

Part of me is worried about what the heck is up with him, but mostly I'm just sick to fucking death of lowering my expectations of him and other people in my life simply because they don't wish to live up to the standards that we all need to live up to in order to get along. I'm tired of being made to feel like I expect too much, rather than the reality, which is some people just underfuckingperform.

I have to say that I rely on my friends to hold me accountable and call bullshit on me when I fuck up. I've been thinking a lot about this, and I'm simply not going to put up with bullshit from the people I care about. If they can't deal with me giving them caring, gentle, constructive criticism, they aren't worth knowing.

That's one way to keep destructive people like L out of my life. I wonder who else I'm going to weed out in that manner.

Posted at August 27, 2004 4:47 PM

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Comments

She roared, she rampaged... Keep on keeping on mama... Sometimes some social "pruning" in in order.

Posted by: shannon at August 28, 2004 11:27 AM

i'm so there with you. my dd's dad conviently dissappeared for a while when he was too broke to provide for her for even a week-end -mind you, his brokenness is by his own stubborness, and he didn't call either. now he's back on track and complaining that i've made plans for our week-ends, and keeping dd from him. yeah right.

Posted by: Yunape at August 28, 2004 7:17 PM

been there done that. except in our case it's the mother of my stepkid who bails on him. our way to deal with this (her) is now to assume she will do nothing. even though in the last year she's been "good", i.e. she started taking the kid every other week, whereas before it was two weeknights a week, and not every week, we don't and can't trust her. (if you ask me, the only reason she can "handle" having him so much is because she hasn't had a job in over a year - apparently life is good and easy when your parents supplement your welfare - of course for that you need to have no pride whatsoever, but anyway...) we are his default family, the one place where he is always home, always welcome. we assume that he'll be with us until the minute she picks him up, basically. and we've learned not to tell him in advance that she'll pick him up. she's unreliable, manipulative, she lies and she's also very prone to insane shouting matches (in the street and in front of the Kid) that she forgets about ten minutes later when you're still shaking. the thing is, though: we won't change her. she's a flaky ex-stripper who probably inhaled way too much peroxyde. all we can do is protect our kid, make him unaware of our opinion of his bimbo mother, make him feel safe that *we* will always be there for him. and even though he loves his mother, deep down, he knows he can't trust her. he's caught her lying. he gets yelled at. he knows. when he was a baby, daddy was always there and mommy bailed. it's a mixed blessing, but the Kid caught the lesson. and your kids will understand too. it sucks, we'd rather they learned that kind of lesson much later, but you can't go back and change who their father is, or what he's turned into.

as for social pruning, oh yeah. been there done that too, and it feels wonderful to allow oneself to say no. no, you know what, that person takes and takes, and never gives anything back? well byebye. i was quite radical about it a few years ago, and it made me sad to have to do it, but it was a huge relief once it was done. think about yourself first and foremost!

Posted by: five blue at August 31, 2004 2:49 PM