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« Suspension. | Main | It's not life-saving medicine, but it might save the rainforest. »
Movement.
August 1, 2004
The last post was about suspension, but it seems that even in suspension, the days move inexorably onward. Last time I blinked, it was Friday. I remember that feeling of the weekend yawning before me. Now it is Sunday, and I have about 4 hours to do all of the things I promised myself I would do this weekend, in terms of domesticity. I have lasagnas to bake...well, first I have tomato sauce to make, lasagnas to bake, house to clean. Fuck the lawn - it will have to go another week, maybe three. Too hot to play outside, anyway. I mended the hole in the fence that the dogs were getting through. That was a priority, lest I have to waste any more of the precious time remaining wandering the streets in search of google-eyed Boston Terrier and his floppy-eared beagle companion. Yes. The fence got mended first. We have to prioritize these things.
Actually, I should say that fun was the first priority. Last night, Goddess night, I felt like a goddess all night. It was a very nice evening. Romantic, exciting, inspiring, spectacular. I thoroughly enjoyed every little bit of it, and am anxious to participate again. It was a nice treat, and I couldn't have asked for a nicer companion.
I got my hair done yesterday morning. I went in with a ratted mass of overgrown tangles and splet ends that hadn't been properly styled in i don't know how long, and I walked out looking like a deranged 50's housewife. I felt like donning a frilly skirt and mixing a martini all day until I was able to undo the cheesy styling the hair dresser did and achieve haircut satisfaction. The problem, I think, is that I asked for funky, and she was nervous about applying true funk. So she went halfway to funk and I got retro. But after I washed and dried (I even invested in hair care products (!) and styled (!) my hair, I thought it looked quite cute. It's really short in back (I'd like it to be shorter) and it has long layers on top and in front and what felt at first like annoying fringe in front of my ears but what now is cutely tucked behind my ears and what last night was cutely curled up towards my face. I like it.
I wore lipstick, too...and eyeliner. Holy fuck! I'm turning into some sort of mutant femme-girl. I even wore the thick platform heel boots i got through freecycle a couple of weeks ago, thinking "I'll NEVER wear these things!" and a couple of new items of clothing I picked up on clearance racks. I had fun getting all dressed up. I felt good in a different way than I normally feel when I feel good.
The evening included really excellent food at Ararat, really excellent (i'm guessing, although I'm not an expert, by any measure) wine courtesy of J. (I was pleasantly surprised to discover that I am currently dating a man who owns Wine accessories, and who, evidently, knows his way around the liquor store. Yet another one of those weird surprises that occurs when you think you KNOW someone, and you have to wonder where they picked up that particular talent or knowledge, you know?)(There are a few talents that J has that I have to wonder about. That I, in fact, spend more time pondering than should be permitted.)
The evening was intoxicating, even if the pleasantly mild wine was not. There were belly dancers at dinner, and a flutist. There were belly dancers after dinner, as well as Drag Kings and some really hot fire dancing. And I mean hot in the figurative sense. These ladies were amazing.
Fire dancing was one of those things that was really popular back when I was in my early twenties, and I always passed it off as some sort of "freakier than thou" kind of thing that my friends were always interested in, but I felt I was above, or something. Probably it turned me off because it was/is really about celebrating the body, and all through my twenties, before I had Monk, I was all about hiding and denying that I had a body. An ex-boyfriend once told me that I always acted like it felt uncomfortable for me to have a body, like I felt like I should be floating around unencumbered, and my body chained me to the ground. And that wasn't a comment on my size, either, because at the time I was considerably smaller than I am now.
He was right, of course. I still don't know why I was so uninterested in things of the body. Sex didn't appeal to me, working out was fun because it was an escape, and perhaps my working out was the beginnings of realizing the strength of my body. It really wasn't until I became pregnant that I "came to" in this body and realized its beauty...its power. But after the trauma of Monk's birth, I quickly forgot all of that, until Coley was born at home and I once again truly understood all that my body was/is capable of.
Perhaps that's why I have so much nervous energy lately. I feel like this stage of my life is about sitting still when all I want to do is move. I want to learn how to belly dance. I want to work out. I want to sweat. I want to fuck. I want to move my body through water, through sand, up mountains, around obstacles. But I'm having to wait. Eternal waiting. Holding still. Watching everything move around me and feeling like I might never catch up.
So last night was about movement. It was gorgeous. Thanks to the lovely ladies who moved me, and the wonderful man who moved through it with me.
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Comments
this was such a beautiful entry to read, i can only imagine how lovely the night was! i'm so happy to hear you sounding so happy with your life, and i'm so envious that you have come full circle and grown into loving your body so much. it's a journey i hope to make one day myself.
damn it, you went and made me cry...i can't tell you how privileged i feel that you allow all of us to vicariously take part in the way your life unfolds like this. bless you.
why thanks, you two. What wonderful feedback this is!
I am enjoying learning to use my body, finally. A combination of the swordfighting classes and having two partners, one of whom is active and lusty and physical, has really helped. I love developing new and/or denser and/or more toned muscles, feeling their hardness and strength, although I have been soft and cuddly all my life. Like you, now I want to use my body for things. It's wonderful.