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« August 2004 | Main | October 2004 »
Weekly to-do list
September 30, 2004
Stuff I've added for this week
- take care of car registration
Cancel bug guy
Deal with jury duty stuff
Clean out the fridge
Deal with the mountain of bills
October Calendar
Find childcare for meeting times
Stuff I do every week
Menu Plan
Grocery Shopping
Plan Weekly Activities
Stuff left over from last week
- Finish cleaning out office
- Sort toys and games and curriculum in office
- mow the lawn
- pay someone to do the rest of the yard work for me
- Call locksmith to get them to fix the fuck-up they made with my car (will have to do this on a weekday)
- Work on budget
- Clean out van
- Clean my room
- taxes
- clean out fullbleed inbox
- Schedule Freecycle pickups
- back up my data on my new backup drive. Yay!
Friday Random Ten
September 30, 2004
- Greg & Steve - Days of the Week (English)
- Ella Jenkins - My Papa is a Paparazzo
- Spearhead - 100,000 Miles
- William S. Burroughs - Naked Lunch Excerpts
- John Denver - Freight Train Boogie
- A Tribe Called Quest - Stressed Out
- Stereo Total L'Amour A 3
- Screeching Weasel - I Wanna Be Naked
- The Fixtures - War For Your Soul
- Big Black - Dead Billy
neighbors.
September 30, 2004
i'm confused by my neighbors. Maybe the reason I feel so disconnected from my neighborhood is because I'm home all day and I work at night, so I rarely get to socialize with any of them...so I never know what their intentions are. Nor do I know how much they know about my situation.
Tonight I came home and my unruly lawn in the front and on the side of the house was all mown, and the huge branches that have been laying on the side lawn since I trimmed the giant weed that interferes with my gate were stacked out on the road for trash pick up tomorrow (although I'm not sure if the City picks these things up or not.) I was half expecting to walk into my back yard and find it mown...but it wasn't.
Still, it was a nice thing to do. Yet, because I'm somewhat suspicious of the motives of my neighbors (having not had a whole lot of direct contact with them) I have to wonder if whoever did this was trying to help, knowing that I'm an overloaded, overstressed single mama...or if they were trying to improve the appearance of the neighborhood.
I know that sounds AWFULLY cynical, but that's seriously what I feel. I appreciate it anyway, but I can't help feeling judged somehow.
At any rate, I can cross at least a portion of my yardwork off of my to-do list for the weekend. Now I just need to concentrate on the back yard and the clearing of some brush, which will be a fall/winter thing around here.
So, thanks nice neighbor...whatever your motives. I think it's best that I just assume this person is nice and giving and wanting me to not have to worry about mowing...and appreciate that for what it's worth, which, really, is a whole lot.
Debate Chat
September 30, 2004
Catch me in chat tonight during the debate...or just chat with each other if I'm too busy and/or pissed off to say anything:
I'll be blogging on my work blog if I have time.
This Hurts Me.
September 30, 2004
His father found the body of his only son when he got home from work shortly before 7 p.m. In one of the notes Jeff left behind, he begged his parents not to blame themselves "because I lived a happy childhood and a great life thanks to you. Unfortunately, I am weak and cannot deal with the pain. It feels as if I lost the most important part of my life that will ever exist."While the memorial service was not intended as a political event, virtually none of the speakers were able to ignore the implications of the war in Iraq, which is leaving behind the equivalent of human cluster bomblets who will be imploding and exploding for years and decades to come.
It hurts me. It hurts you. It hurts everyone in our society. Whether we are willing to admit it or not. This war kills more off of the battlefield than on.
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Lucey,
I'm sorry our world could not do better by your son, and by the rest of the sons and daughters who are dying in this war.
[link courtesy of zagg]
What Not to do First Thing In The Morning
September 30, 2004
I need to stop reading Trish Wilson's Blog when I wake up. Posts like this (to which I would add "TOO" anti-woman? Is there a measurement for that?), this, and this don't exactly serve to get me off on a happy foot.
Yet another reason to boycott Nestle (as if any were needed)
September 29, 2004
LiP | Feature | Drying Up: The Global Water Privatization Pandemic
The water is pumped from the aquifer, then bottled 12 miles from the aquifer at a massive, brightly lit factory flying an Ice Mountain flag alongside those of the US and Michigan. Local opposition did nothing to deter Nestle when it built the plant in 2001; the company is currently trying to step up the site’s water extraction by twofold or more, and is also exploring dozens of other sites in the state for pumping.And for this water Nestle pays exactly nothing. Aside from the minimal rent on a 99-year lease the company holds with the individual owner of the hunting preserve, and a reported $85 annual well fee, Nestle is pumping the water for free—and making up to $2 million a day, according to hydrologist and Michigan State University environmental law professor Chris Grobbel.
[...MEANWHILE...]
Meanwhile, a four-hour drive from Mecosta County in Detroit, one of the country’s most impoverished and segregated cities, tens of thousands of residents are surviving without running water because they can’t pay water bills, which have amounted to hundreds or even thousands of dollars. In some cases, they inherited the bills from previous tenants or owners of their buildings; in others, dire economic circumstances have made it impossible for them to keep up with rate increases. Between June 2001 and June 2002, the last year for which numbers are available, 40,752 addresses in the city had their water turned off. The Michigan Welfare Rights Organization says that water shut-offs have continued at a comparable rate. In April the group helped file a class action lawsuit on behalf of six plaintiffs whose water had been turned off; one is a 72-year-old World War II veteran who was told that, due to a miscalculation, he had 30 days to pay more than $3,000 in back water bills.
I'm really glad I don't believe in Hell. Because, honestly, it seems like anyone who benefits in any way from the capitalist system is bound to end up there.
It just gets weirder and weirder.
September 29, 2004
Has anyone else heard about this shit:
MindFreedom Online: FAQ: Bush to Screen USA for Psychiatric Drugging:
TMAP would call for general health practitioners to screen their patients for mental illness. The Bush administration wants your family physician trained to screen you for mental health problems. So if you go to your doctor for a cough, you would also be asked questions about your mental health.Anyone involved with the public school system, including kids, educators and other school staff, would be especially vulnerable. Doctors are trained to recognize that the way children act in the doctor's office is not a good indicator of the children's actual behavior. Because of this fact, doctors are more likely to follow the suggestion of a teacher, rather than their own experience interacting with the child. This results in a situation where teachers, not doctors, are, in essence, prescribing medication to kids.
Is homeschooling looking any more appealing to any of you. Please feel free to e-mail me if you'd like to pre-emptively remove yourself from that particular merry-go-round.
When I read the posts about this on the homeschool lists, I thought "Oh, shit...those wacky libertarians are getting freaky with it again." But it appears this really is a Bush plan. What the fuck?
If someone thinks that universal "mental health" screening initiated by the pharmaceutical industry and targeting schoolchildren (who will be diagnosed by TEACHERS) is a really terrific idea, please, by all means, lay it on me...because i'm having a difficult time putting this one in perspective.
J was doing some research on whitehouse.gov and found really nothing about this that was conclusive. I'm not sure if the articles I'm reading are twisting things, or if the information at whitehouse.gov is intentionally vague and misleading (which would be a HUGE surprise. haha.) Here's the BMJ article, if you want an early Halloween scare.
Currently, at Uppity-Negro
September 29, 2004
It's obvious where Aaron got his sense of humor and political savvy from. His mom and his sister are posting, and doing a wonderful job.
Uppity-Negro.com: In Memoriam: My First Attempt at a Posting, But Here We Go
I don't know if this is true or not. It's my opinion that Keyes isn't running for a Senate seat, but is really auditioning for a new TV show!
Go ladies! Go!
Busy Busy
September 29, 2004
I've been working a whole lot of extra hours these days. I stayed up working on a project until 1:30 the other day, and I have several extra-curricular meetings scattered throughout the upcoming weeks. It's starting to drive me insane, because I just can't get anything done around here. My days are constantly being interrupted by work phone calls to the point where I want to just turn off my phone, and I haven't had any time to sit down and think, much less write.
But I've had some interesting conversations with people (I guess that required a modicum of thinking) and I have been reading blogs. I have some things that I would like to write about, and that list grows longer and longer by the day.
Monk reminded me, too, that we've been very busy in our home. There's an activity just about every day, and in between activities, we make time to sit down and do "school-type stuff." He says he's happy, and that he likes being a homeschooler. He is seeing his friends more than before, which is good. And I think he's learning a lot.
Both Monk and Cole are having difficulty sleeping when I'm not with them, which is freaky to me, and adds to one of the constant stressors that looms over my every decision. But there's no time to go into detail on that now, nor do I think a public blog is the appropriate place to do so. They are sleeping peacefully now, although in a little while I will need to wake them so I can haul them to Kate's house so I can attend ANOTHER meeting.
Gak. I'm tired of this. I want the whole world to stop for about a week so I can catch up.
Monk and Cole, An Illustrative Anecdote
September 28, 2004
The other day, I was driving Monk and Cole hither and yon. We saw a squirrel running along the side of the road, and this is what I heard in the backseat:
Cole (in full-on dreamy mode):Look, mama! A squirrel! I LOVE that squirrel! It's a beautiful squirrel. I want to hug that squirrel, mama!
(Monk's response below)
Monk (sounding an awful lot like bert of "ernie and..." fame): You can't hug squirrels, Cole. You'll get a disease.
Monk and Cole: [...]
Monk: Right, mom?
Thank you.
September 27, 2004
You are all amazing. L's half of the eye doctor/glasses expenses are well covered, and I am very very thankful to all of you. I'm not going to name any names (unless the people who donated really want me to) but thanks so much to those who contributed and those who have us in their thoughts. We appreciate it.
I can drop the prescription off tomorrow with the assurance that the bills can still be covered. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
P.S. I will thank you all individually later...right now I have a work deadline that I am trying to meet.
This is me, asking for help from you.
September 27, 2004
I hate to do this, because...well, because it sucks that the person who is actually responsible for taking care of this is not only NOT doing it, but is causing me to have to swallow my pride and do it. Monk needs new glasses. I spent 120 bux on Friday on his eye appointment, and will probably need to spend 200 bux or more at the eyeglasses place getting him good lenses that will last him for awhile. I need to do this by the end of the week, and I have the money to cover it, but I won't have the money to cover mortgage (which I am already behind on) and/or other bills.
Which is where you come in. There's a paypal button to the side there, and I'm really hoping some of you can donate a little money to monk's vision fund so I can take care of this and not have to worry too much about whether I'm going to be able to pay the rest of the bills. L would be responsible for half of the expenses, so even if I just get $160 or so, that would help TREMENDOUSLY.
Thanks in advance for how ever much you can help. I appreciate it. I still find myself feeling ashamed/embarrassed about directly asking for help rather than letting people just donate if they wish, but this time it's sort of an emergency. I've thought it over all weekend, and there are other things I can do to raise the money, but quite honestly, I don't feel like I have the time or energy to work any more than I already do.
Take care.
Autumn Mix
September 27, 2004
Here's the autumn mix. If anyone wants one, e-mail me your address, and I'll send it along - hopefully before the end of autumn.
Air — Radio #1 (Senor Coconut Remix)
Toots and the Maytals — Never Grow Old
Spearhead — Runfayalife
Ani DiFranco — Names and Dates and Times
Bjork — A Hidden Place
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds — Gates to the Garden
The Decemberists — Here I Dreamt I was an Architect
Cake — Stickshifts and Safetybelts
Stereo Total — Forever 16
Girl Trouble — Sister Mary Motorcycle
Camper Van Beethoven — Opening Theme
Public Enemy — Son of a Bush
Eastern Dub Tactic — Blood is Shining
Camper Van Beethoven — She Divines Water
Modest Mouse — 3rd Planet
Cat Power — Nude as the News
Le Tigre — Well, Well, Well
Cake — She’ll Come Back To Me
Mahlathini - Mbaqanga
Random Tracks
September 25, 2004
Rox Populi : Friday Random Ten - My Soul is Still Catching Up With My Body Edition
If you haven't done it before, pull out your IPOD or MP3 player. Set your contraption to random play and list the first ten songs you get.
- Glorious Din - Blood
- Stevie Wonder - Yester-Me, Yester-You, Yesterday
- Anne Hill - Place of Power
- The Specials - Gangsters
- The Cranberries - Ode to My Family
- Ella Jenkins - Yes and No
- The Handsome Family - The King Who Wouldn't Smile
- Spearhead - Positive
- The Clash - Clash City Rockers
- Nick Cave - Lime Tree Arbor
An interesting observation
September 24, 2004
^^^Living on Less - College Increasingly Unaffordable:
I was talking about this very issue with one of Mike's friends, who came to stay with us during the RNC. He's an incredibly smart and funny person [though his funniness is not really relevant here...] and a high school history teacher. His view is that a college-educated population is a threat to the powerful. Look what happened following the economic boom of the fifties: parents could suddenly afford to send their kids to college in droves, and what did those kids do? They rose up against the Vietnam war, racism, sexism, the capitalist system, and the oppressive social conditioning of the time. Oops, can't have that. Better make college out of reach.
Weekly to-do list
September 24, 2004
Stuff left over from last week
- Finish cleaning out office
- Sort toys and games and curriculum in office
- mow the lawn
- pay someone to do the rest of the yard work for me
- send off summer mixes
- Call locksmith to get them to fix the fuck-up they made with my car (will have to do this on a weekday)
- Work on budget
- Change lightbulbs
Change A/C filter
- Clean out van
- Clean my room
- taxes
- clean out fullbleed inbox
Stuff I've added for this week
- Schedule Freecycle pickups
- back up my data on my new backup drive. Yay!
Stuff I do every week
Menu Plan
- Grocery Shopping
- Plan Weekly Activities
Giant Microbes
September 24, 2004
We make stuffed animals that look like tiny microbes—only a million times actual size! Now available: The Common Cold, The Flu, Sore Throat, Stomach Ache, Cough, Ear Ache, Bad Breath, Kissing Disease, Athlete's Foot, Ulcer, Martian Life, Beer & Bread, Black Death, Ebola, Flesh Eating, Sleeping Sickness, Dust Mite, Bed Bug, and Bookworm (and in our Professional line: H.I.V. and Hepatitis).
Each 5-to-7 inch doll is accompanied by an image of the real microbe it represents, as well as information about the microbe.
They make great learning tools for parents and educators, as well as amusing gifts for anyone with a sense of humor!
My favorite is the flesheating virus, pictured above with knife and fork.
[link courtesy of bellis]
If you go straight long enough, you end up where you were...
September 23, 2004
I've been kicking around all day with the kids. It feels good. It feels like autumn. It's skin temperature outside, and as long as you don't exert yourself, you don't sweat. I like it that way and a bit colder. But that way is fine for now. It was blistering and humid last week, and that I cannot stand.
So, it's been a good day, roaming around town. Monk had his class today, and me and coley came home to open a big box of stuff Aunt C sent. Clothes and toys and games and puzzles and stuff. It's nice. She sent Monk a couple of new button-down shirts that I think he will like.
Then it was back to pick up Monk, and I treated them to pizza for lunch and we pretty much went right to the homeschool park day, where they roamed the playground with many, many other homeschoolers, and I got to chat with friends about various things.
I'm going through one of those phases where I feel like I'm always complaining about something or other, and I'm really self-conscious about it in crowds. I dunno if that's how other people perceive me, and I'm not sure if I should care, since it's probably part of my personality anyway. I like to dissect things in front of an audience. And I suppose I wouldn't be too terribly disappointed if someone said "Oh, shut the fuck up!" and I'm sensitive enough about it to where if someone passively says shut the fuck up or changes the subject, I'll just shut up, you know? But still, it's something I deal with a lot, and i just go on complaining if I need to, and feeling somewhat bad about it. Or sensitive.
I had a lot of conversations today about food issues, as that's one of the parenting things that came up yesterday, through, really, no one's fault. But R and I had agreed to restrict snacking during the day to alleviate what was starting to feel like an overabundance of effort in preparing food for the kids all day. And we had some issues with the kids, and I realized that restricting snacks goes against what is really a core, fundamental belief of mine (thanks for point that out, kate, because I couldn't figure out why it was bothering me so much!) which basically goes something like "I only keep healthy snacks around the house, and I trust that my children are able to self-regulate, for the most part their consumption of food AND that if they fill up on apples or whatnot during snack time and don't have room for lunch, oh well...apples are a perfectly acceptable thing to feed your body."
But anyway, R has very valid concerns about snacktime, too...and I haven't discussed this with her or anything, but we're going to just have to find another solution that doesn't make me feel so much like I'm depriving my kids of food. Because at one point in the day I felt like I had to sneak Coley an orange, and I'm sure that's not what R had intended as a result...and neither did I.
So, I've basically spent the past 24 hours or so sorting this out. And, again, I have to say this is no fault of R's at all, it's just that I really hadn't thought of all of these ramifications when we made the agreement, and I hate going back on a rule, particularly since it's a rule that was enforced with no small amount of resistence, and R had to suffer the brunt of that resistance. And in the sorting out, I really came across some issues *I* have with food like, for instance, feeling like I have no business making dietary decisions about the children in this house because I'm the fat one and R is the thin one. Which is actually totally ridiculous when one considers the health of my children, and I realize it's totally ridiculous, but I also realize that it's there, and I have to acknowledge it before I can let it go.
Ah. That felt good.
The unbearable cuteness of cole...sort of.
September 23, 2004
Last night, Coley was having trouble sleeping, so I was laying in there trying to help him get to sleep, and we had this short conversation:
Mama: let's think of some happy dreams you can have when you go to sleep...What do you think you might dream of tonight, Coley?
Coley: Loving you
Coley: [...] (dramatic pause)Coley: WithOUT Monk.
in other, decidedly less grouchy, news...
September 23, 2004
Yesterday, the fall fairy brought the game Mousetrap for the kids. I forgot how very cool that game was! Cole loves to play with it once I've set up the trap. I'm loving it.
I keep slipping up and starting to tell people about how cheap the games are at Savers, forgetting that THE FALL FAIRY brought these games. We got Uncle Wiggily, too...and one of those 5-in-one (chess, checkers, chinese checkers, backgammon, and parcheesi) thingies, and another game with patterned cards. They're TWO BUCKS EACH at Savers, and they ALWAYS have all of the pieces. The Uncle Wiggily game had never been played (the pieces were still in their little perforated cardboard things). We've gotten so many cool games there. I'm glad the fall fairy is a Savers shopper.
hahaha.
Why I'm not terribly fond of my neighbors
September 23, 2004
The other day, I stepped outside and found the back gate hanging wide open. It had been about 6 days or so since the dogs had last escaped, and I was bummed. I've been working with Spike every day, and I feel like just giving him that extra attention has helped him, because he doesn't seem to be scanning the fence line, looking for escape routes.
I was about to leave to drop the kids off anyway, so I took my shower, figuring I could just look for the dogs once we got in the car. While I was in the shower, a neighbor brought the dogs back, and gave R this note:
Hi,
Your dog has been getting out everday. We put it back in the yard yesterday. Today he's back please Keep him Enclosed I don't want something bad to happen to him.
Your neighbor,
LauralynYou know? What this kind of thing teaches me, most of all, is to just not to be judgmental of other people, even when it seems like they don't have their shit together. This woman has no idea what I've been going through with the dogs and trying to find ways to keep them in the yard, not to mention my personal life. What the fuck does she think this note is going to do?
R says she was from "down the street" and I'm sort of wondering if she lives in the same house as Annoying Motorcycle Guy. Of course, now that this note has caused me to see the light, perhaps I shouldn't be too harsh on Annoying Motorcycle Guy, either. Perhaps there's some compelling reason why he feels he needs to rev his engine in front of his house for 20 or 30 minutes each morning, and then accelerate to full speed between each stop sign on our street (the stop signs occur on every intersection).
But, seriously...I mean, yeah. Who the fuck does this woman think she is? Or, better yet, who the fuck does this woman think *I* am. And why are we so quick to assume the worst of people rather than assuming someone is struggling? And, really, what purpose does a note like this serve other than to alienate someone? Does she think that I'm just intentionally letting my dogs roam free? And if I was, what the fuck would her note do to help that situation anyway?
Argh.
Parenting.
September 22, 2004
You know...I had a nice, long post that I wanted to write about parenting alongside another family, and i was thrilled that R and her kids aren't here tonight so I would have a lot of uninterrupted time to write. And then coley spent an hour and a half evading bedtime, and now I'm too freaking tired to form a single coherent thought.
That basically sums up my life right now, by the way. I might be able to do more writing in October, when R and her family are away. But while they are here, there's just too much going on for me to sit down and actually write anything worthwhile, and even when they are not all awake, just the potential for interruption is enough to make me not want to write at all.
So, i think I'm going to eat my late night snack and go watch a little TV...and ponder over the idea that I feel like I need to apologize for not actually writing anything interesting in this blog for the longest time. Long enough to where I feel like I might never be able to write anything interesting ever again.
Blah.
Along those same lines...
September 21, 2004
Tish talks about fat politics and mentions the lack of lefty anti-fatphobia allies.
In the blog world I am rarely linked by a thin or average sized blogger when I do a fat rant. I am linked by other people working on their own fat identity. I long to read the post on the blog of a thin or average sized person that talks about a difference in perspective they may have arrived at because they read something here.
The left doesn't get it. The left is almost more fat hating than the right. Eighty million dollars a year. Can I get some Marxist analysis from someone?
I wish blogs like fatshadow were written by thin people as much as I also wish blogs like des femmes were written by men.
it's about time.
September 21, 2004
Thank you, des femmes, for moving towards holding liberal men accountable for their unexamined sexism. I see it has already started a great deal of discussion among primarily female bloggers...unfortunately, it looks the the men who are called to task are too busy justifying their words to actually examine the validity of our anger and resentment.
What She Said
September 21, 2004
What She Said!: Kiss My Blogroll...
The next time someone asks you where all the female bloggers are, tell them What She Said!
Excellent idea...I hope it's wildly successful.
I've also been thinking...
September 19, 2004
a lot about my most recent ex, and his problems, and my frustrated empathy. While I was cleaning up the living room just now, getting great satisfaction from the act of tidying up, uninterrupted, I was struck with sadness about his perceived limitations.
I guess it's just that I have this overflowing love for my children at this precise moment. Not that I don't love them at other times, but this weekend away from them has given me a good deal of clarity about what about them that I love. Like Monk - the smart ass. He is so annoying and so intentionally irritating sometimes, that I forget what a sweet, intelligent, perceptive little guy he is. And lately, I'm struck by that. By him. And Coley, who is so often outwardly sweet and snuggly, but who also seems to make a concerted effort, at times, to frustrate and frighten me with his zoomingaroundantics and selective deafness. But inspiteofbecauseof these personality traits that my children bear, no doubt due at least in part to my personality, which I am coming to accept as Who I Am, they are ultimately lovable.
And so, too, is their father. And I loved him. And I love him still. And it hurts me to see him fail. Again and again. And it hurts me to wonder if he's given up. If, really, failure is how he identifies. Because I saw so much more in him than that. And I remember at one point he told me that he felt like I thought he wasn't good enough for me. And I affirmed that. He wasn't. He wasn't putting forth the effort to be the good person he is. Sometimes we don't. That happens. Sometimes we can't muster the energy to be the good people we deserve to allow ourselves to be, much less that other people deserve to experience in us. That's natural. To fail on occasion is normal. But that doesn't mean that we should lower our standards and expectations of each other individually.
And, I'm thinking as I'm making my skanky couch as presentable as I can, by draping it in a clean sheet and propping it back up even though I know the dogs will come in and push it back down, sagging. I prop it up anyway, so it can stay propped up for those few hours before the sagging happens. I'm thinking about microcosms and analogies and knowing that people tend to find flaw in applying personal experience to political experiencing. But, still, I can't help but feel like there's a lesson to be learned there. I can't accept that this world we've created for ourselves can't be changed by simply, gently, holding each other accountable and reminding each other to be the good people we deserve to allow ourselves to be. And, yes, it sounds naiive...and, yes, there are centuries of oppression that have left us dysfunctional and damaged. But the wheel has to stop before it can turn backwards. And that wheel is heavy. And I'm propping up my futon pad, trying to pull it back into shape. The cover is torn and it smells like dog, but I put some lavender on it, and I listen to some music. And I sneeze a couple of times. And I come here to write these words. Hoping they will make a difference.
You cannot go against nature, because when you do
Going against nature is part of nature, too. - Love and Rockets.Cleaning Up
September 19, 2004
i gave in this morning and called my children. I've been missing them all weekend, and I hate to disrupt them when they are with papa, but my thoughts of them were so strong and longing, that I could only imagine they were longing to talk to me, too. So I called them this morning, and got to listen to their sillyphonevoices, and it was lovely. They are lovely.
I'm cleaning up the house. It's empty save me and there's going to be a sparsely-attended potluck tonight. Part of me wants to just cancel the potluck and immerse myself in cleaning all day...but I also really feel like I want to see the few people who are going to come. So, I'm going to just not stress about it, make something simple to serve, and enjoy the company of my friends and the change of seasons celebration. I am even thinking about getting a bouquet of dried flowers when I run by the store to pick up the dish detergent that I need. Something to cheer this house that is looking run down with the gaggle of children who are usually coursing through the hallways like blood through veins, and now the halls are empty and the house seems prolapsed.
I've done a lot of thinking this weekend. Kate cheered me immensely last night. I remember when my friend Tom was hit by a car, all I could think about for months on end was what must have been his last thoughts. All I could wonder about was whether he might have felt pain, and whether his final moments on this earth were spent racked with pain and suffering. It seemed wrong to die in pain. Seems wrong. And I was thinking about drowning - and whether death came from the fall or the water. And I was fretting about this with Kate, and she unwittingly set me totally at ease by telling me that she has known a couple of people who have had near-death experiences by drowning, and that it's really painless and peaceful. That once you breath in that lungful of water, you don't feel any pain. And I almost cried I was so relieved to hear that. And I thanked her, and we contined to watch Saturday Night Live, and my mind was at ease. Or more at ease.
The night before, Friday night, I went to see Napoleon Dynamite with J. It was a good movie. A funny movie. Even though for the first 45 minutes or so of the flick, I kept feeling like everyone in the theater was in on a joke that I had no understanding of. I thought maybe the character was someone that had been introduced elsewhere, like on Saturday Night Live, and since I'm woefully uneducated about pop culture, I was missing out on something. But I just let loose and eventually I started to just enjoy the movie for what it was. And it was actually pretty hilarious, but we left before the closing credits scene, so I'm going to have to see it again.
Anyway (any road up...) I'm slacking when I should be cleaning. I have about 8 hours of work to do in 4 hours' time, which is not at all unusual for me. And tomorrow I have a meeting for work that will last all day, and then have to go in to work at night, which should be a fun and exciting challenge. And next week is the equinox, and the start of our "school" year. And I am excited by the idea of devoting chunks of time every day to really just sitting and experiencing my children as they experience the world. I drift, and I fall out of touch. I try not to, but I have such a tendency to live in my own little world, and I forget how enjoyable it is to live in theirs for a time. I love them so much. I wish there was a way to convey to others how much I love those two little guys. They are absolutely precious to me. So very precious.
I hope whoever is reading this is having a nice weekend. Best wishes from me for a fruitful harvest, and the start of the end of the year.
I've had it.
September 16, 2004
I'm really through with the Boston. He has gotten out of the yard THREE TIMES TODAY, and I just can't keep plugging up the holes he digs under the fence. Today, I asked my kids to help out and make sure the dogs were getting enough attention out there. Monk was just out there playing with them and giving them dog treats, and 15 minutes later, Spike was gone.
I feel bad that I'm giving up on him, but he's so small, and if he keeps getting out, he's eventually going to get hit by a car...and it will be my fault because I can't keep him in the yard.
The suckiest thing is that he has taught the beagle to dig, and now SHE'S digging under the fence. I'm totally tempted to find a new home for her, as well, but she is Monk's dog, and he has promised he will spend more time keeping her entertained and keeping an eye on her.
It sucks to not be able to keep a pet, but it would suck even worse if he died because I can't take good care of him. He's a sweetie, but the way it is for him right now is that he's locked in a crate inside all day (because he pees in the house if he's not crated - even when there are people around) or he's outside digging tunnels under the fence. That's not a very fun life for an energetic little guy.
Blah. If anyone else has any other solutions - feel free to leave them. I've had it. My life will be a lot easier without that dog. I feel like I'm going to have an anuerysm if I have to go out there and track him down AGAIN today, so I'm just going to let someone bring him to me. I went across the street and stood on one end of the park and saw him running through the middle of the park...and I called him and called him, but he pretended not to hear. And it's like 5 million degrees outside,and the last thing int he fucking world I want to do is get the kids all ready, and walk out there, chasing after a fucking dog who doesn't come when he's called, and who will only come home to escape five thousand more times this week.
Fuck it. Now Coley is crying, and I feel evil.
My Weekly To-Do List
September 16, 2004
Stuff I do every week
Menu Plan
- Grocery Shopping
Plan Weekly Activities
Stuff left over from last week
(this is pitiful)
- Finish cleaning out office
- List give-away items on freecycle (did it once, need to do it again)
- Sort toys and games and curriculum in office
- mow the lawn
- pay someone to do the rest of the yard work for me
- package up and send off summer mixes
- Call locksmith to get them to fix the fuck-up they made with my car (will have to do this on a weekday)
- Re-write budget (I worked on it a little last week - need to do more this week)
- Seriously clean kitchen and bathrooms
- Change lightbulbs
- Change A/C filter
- Clean out van
- Clean my room
- Finish planning equinox party
- taxes
Stuff I've added for this week
- clean out fullbleed inbox
- Clean dog bedding
- finish getting "school" supplies
New Season, New Rhythms.
September 15, 2004
The Autumnal Equinox is almost upon us, and I'm getting excited about all of the fun things we have planned for the coming season. I've been thinking lately, as I usually do when the seasons change, about changing up our rhythm and ritual, and inviting new or altered rituals into our days.
I'm very thrilled to be involved in a few intersecting homeschool groups and co-ops here. The possibilities are really endless. I've missed with the chess group and the soccer group, as they seem to require more persistence than I can offer, but we've formed some excellent alliances that are netting us some really fun group activities scattered throughout the week.
For instance, there's the math/logic game club that I host every other week. Currently, it's sparsely attended, but I think I just need to put it on the calendars of a couple of yahoo groups I'm on, and more kids will come. Then there's playground games, which continues to be a really fun time for everyone. This week was somewhat of a downer, just because I'm in a sullen mood...but I still managed to have a great time playing dodgeball, 4-Square, and volleyball with the mamas and the kiddos.
Monk's currently enrolled in a really cool art class, which gives me and coley a couple of hours of free time every week to go to the playground together. When that's over with, there's a co-op craft club that meets on the same day. And in the same co-op, another mom is starting a gears and simple machines class, using activities from this resource, and parts from this kit. How cool is it to have other mamas out there to share this kind of stuff?
I'm also really wanting to (finally) get a group of homeschoolers together to do geocaching once or twice a month. But I feel like our schedule is already so full, I don't want to commit to anything. So, first I'm going to borrow J's GPS receiver and make sure it's something that Monk enjoys.
I'll be spending a good portion of this weekend preparing for our Equinox potluck, as well as getting everything together to start our school year. I was talking to Ms. Insane today about structure vs. unschooling, and her wise words went something along the lines of a lot of the time, structure is better for parents...and parents are part of the homeschooling, too. I mean, to me...I'm definitly right there with the unschoolers, but I have to make sure that I'm checking in with my kids a few times every day, and the best way to ensure that I do that is by having a set time that we gather together and do "stuff."
I've actually figured out that's really a function of me working nights outside the home. I need to plan my days more rigidly than the mamas I know who stay at home all day, because it's really easy for time to slip away from me, and before I know it, it's 3 PM, and I haven't played with Coley all day...or I haven't hung with Monk and chatted. But if I set up specific times to do that, I'm more likely to follow through, and we all feel better in the end.
So, really, it IS all about me...thank you very much.
At any rate, I'm going to have some fun buying a few little curriculum gifties for the kiddos this weekend. A couple of books, maybe some software, one of those big parachutes that I used to play with in grade school...
...I'm feeling like it's going to be another fun and exciting season.
Posted at 10:40 PMYes.
September 15, 2004
mquest: An open letter to John Kerry
In Honor of a Life
September 14, 2004
RED HERRING | Bloggers mourn a lost brother
On Thursday, news of a pioneering blogger’s death sent a shock through the blogosphere, an online world of private reflection in a public arena.
Since 2000, Aaron Hawkins, 34, used his weblog, Uppity-Negro.com, to defy and lampoon societal norms, challenging common perceptions of race and ethnicity. One of the Internet’s first black bloggers, he wielded a lean wit and a keen sense of satire in his writing. He urged his readers to question conventional ideas in politics, pop culture, and the media.
Any Road Up, indeed.
I miss you, Aaron.
What kind of freaky mama are YOU?
September 14, 2004
You're an agitator! Your kids have grown up on the
front lines of rallies and pickets, and chances
are that you boycott at least one company for
its bad business practices. Your kids are
learning what matters to you and how they can
change what matters to them.
What kind of a freaky mother are you?
brought to you by Quizilla2 lyrics, 2 songs
September 13, 2004
"When the end comes to this old world,
the righteous will cry and the rest will curl up,
and god won't take the time to sort your ashes from mineCuz we zig and zag between good and bad,
Stumble and fall on right and wrong
And the tumbling dice and the luck of the draw
just leads us all..."-Camper Van Beethoven from "When I Win The Lottery"
"And sometimes I flap my arms like a hummingbird
Just to remind myself I'll never fly
And sometimes I burn my arms with cigarettes,
Just to pretend I won't scream when I die."-The Handsome Family "Drunk by Noon"
...
September 13, 2004
Do you ever get an intense urge to write, but stop yourself because most likely, in the grand scheme of things, what you end up writing will be totally insignificant?
I have stared at a blank entry screen several times this weekend, on more than one blog, not really knowing what I might write about that will actually mean something. I suppose I shouldn't worry so much and just write.
It's just that there are so many heavy topics to choose from, and instead, I seem to be really focusing on my children and just the every day routine that gets us through. Perhaps this is a result of the heaviness that has descended upon my life - perhaps it's some sort of damage control that causes me to refocus my energy. I can't say that it's horrible...and it's pretty subtle, considering it's not like my kids are neglected at any other time. It's just that I'm not thinking so much, in the background, about Important Stuff. I'm trying to really lose myself in my activities with them. To Really Listen.
At any rate, I think Coley is learning to read. Thanks to R's kids, he now sits around the house, looking at books. All of the kids have spent hours and hours digging a hole in the front yard. Who knew mud could be so entertaining? I'm amazed at how well everyone is getting along, too. It's really wonderful, and it's helping me to let go of my fears of sharing my space with someone. The kids wake up every morning, and roll through the day like tumbling puppies. It's really quite awesome to witness their energy.
And R and I have conversations. Not nearly as many as I thought we would. But it's also nice to have an extra set of dishpan hands around here. And it's good to be reminded that I have a history. R and I have known each other since before we had kids. And our friendship has sustained years of separation, as she's always jetting off to some country or other for education or love. I'm horrible at keeping in touch, but we always reconnect. It's funny, because we were sitting at the playground the other day and she was telling me that she didn't think she could ever move back to Austin permanently. I don't think she realized that she's said that about a million times before.
She always has a home here, however long she chooses to stay. And however many children she brings with her.
Coley just told me that my farts smell like LOVE...and below is where I talk about death and stuff.
One of the things about Aaron's death is that it has jarred me into really thinking about L's situation in a different way. I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but L has lost his job. He claims he's not able to work, and he might lose his place to live if he doesn't come up with some way to get money.
Of course, there's still a part of me that empathizes with him. Actually, a rather large part. I don't know how bad his injury is, and I have to believe him even though I'm tempted to disbelieve him. Actually, I have to believe that it's as bad as he says it is, because otherwise he's a lot worse off than I thought he was.
The thing is that I'm worried that he's lost all hope. I've known this man for a long time, and I understand his cycles. He's always been able to pull himself out of them, but it takes longer and longer. Unfortunately, having not lived with him for over a year, I don't have access to any unspoken information about him...and the spoken information I get from him is sparse. So I'm left to gauge his mental/emotional state from the outside.
L and I have experienced the suicide and untimely deaths of friends of ours many times. He is the person who helped me to process the death of my friend/brother Michael, and the OD of Lorri. Monk's middle name is the name of L's best friend who shot himself in the head shortly before I met him, and shortly after I met him, another close friend of his OD'd. Just before Monk was born, a friend of ours was hit by a car and killed.
I was reading through zines yesterday, and I stumbled across a eulogy for another person I have known through words who committed suicide. I had forgotten about it. Buried it, I'm sure. He struggles to be remembered. His name was Paul-X. He did a zine from prison, and was a wonderfully smart, gentle, loving soul. He was, from my knowledge of him, a career criminal who had been pretty much in one jail or other from childhood. At the age of 28, he finally was free. Shortly thereafter, he checked into a mental institution under a pseudonym, climbed to the rooftop, and jumped off.
I was devestated when I read this. It's hard to lose someone you've never had a chance to physically touch, because it's difficult to really know if they knew you really loved them. I really loved Paul-X. His words warmed me, and his life gave me hope.
Another friend of mine, Bobby West, was an inmate who published a zine from death row. He was a high school drop out who had educated himself WELL while in prison. We corresponded for over 10 years, and he taught me a lot. When George W was in office, many, many prisoners were being executed. I think out of fear or curiosity or maybe a sense of "what the fuck...I'm going to die anyway." Bobby sent me a letter and asked me to describe what it was like to have sex with my boyfriend. Or something like that. I got upset with him, because that's not what our correspondence was about, and I felt that really cheapened our relationship. We stopped writing so frequently, although we did check in every now and then. The wolves were at his door.
One day, I was in a hotel room...traveling for work...channel surfing, and I happened to stop on a show about death row in Texas. I watched the second half of the show, hoping they would interview Bobby, so I could finally see what he looked like.
I saw what he looked like, but it wasn't an interview. At the end of the show, they showed pictures of all of the inmates who had been executed that year. Bobby was one of them. I cried all night.
Later, I found a site that listed the last meals of death row inmates in Texas. Bobby had a hamburger and french fries.
Why am I saying all of this? Well, mostly because all of this is what cycles through my head when I try to make sense of untimely death. I think this is what I'm attempting to short-circuit by paying extra close attention to my children and the details of the day.
But also, I think I'm preparing myself, and conserving my energy to mourn for L. Whether it's just an overblown paranoid reaction to Aaron's death or not, I feel like with L I'm watching a familiar storm cell gathering, and there's nothing I can do to prevent it. Instead, I'm trying to build a sturdy umbrella large enough to shelter myself and my children, and hoping I'm making the right choices...all the while hoping I'm wrong about the warning signs.
Candlelight Vigil
September 9, 2004
I wasn't going to go to the candlelight vigil for the soldiers who have been killed in Iraq, because I had to work, and I'm teaching a class, which means I had to be AT work.
But I really started thinking, about mid-day, that I needed some sort of ritual to honor the dead. That perhaps being with other people holding candles in the dark wouldn't be such a bad thing to do today. That maybe this was an opportunity for me to heal and meditate a bit on hope and community.
So I arranged to take half of the evening off. And when it came time for me to go, I drove home and gathered up my candles and walked across the street to the vigil.
I was thankful that John was there with me. It was a small group, and they were enthusiastically mournful. Nice people. Solid democrats. The 45 minutes of semi-silence was helpful. I was staring at the sign that said "1000 dead" and I was curious about how we honor the dead American soldiers and yet forget or ignore the thousands who are injured and the countless who are permanently damaged. Not to mention who-knows-how-many dead Iraqis.
And the word Dead kept swimming in my eyes. And how many more? The other day, I heard Rumsfeld talking about the death count in his offhand manner. He seemed to be saying something to the effect of "Oh, yeah...well, WE might have 1000 dead soldiers coming home in pine boxes, but THEY have untold THOUSANDS." I could almost hear the "neener, neener, neener" in his voice.
And I'm thinking...really...ONE is too many. That's my limit. One. One person is way more dead than I can handle. Whether that person dies in combat, or dies because of their experience of combat, or whether that person dies because of the fucked up system that leads us to engage in combat in the first place.
It's too many. There are too fucking many walking wounded.
Too. Fucking. Many.
Maybe this will help someone?
September 9, 2004
Yes I Will
(michael franti/spearhead)I received the letter that you wrote me
On a dark, cold and cloudy day
Reminding me on the side of the road
You find the light, you'll find a friend,
You'll find a way
But today I'm feeling all broke down
I ain't got the faintest clue 'bout what to do
Can't comprehend the situation at hand
so I try my best, just to get back home to you(Chorus)
Gonna keep on walking now
Yes I will
Gonna keep on talkin' loud
Yes I will
Gonna keep on singin' bout it
Yes I will
Gonna keep on ringing out
Yes I willI believe that what you sing to the clouds
will rain upon you when your sun, has gone away
And I believe, that what you dream to the moon
Will manifest, before you rest, another day
So stay strong, and sleep long when you need to
let the mornin' take you right on through the day
And when you find you're at the end of the road
just lift your head up
Spread your wings and fly away(chorus)
When you're lost and alone
That's when the rainbow comes
When you're lost and alone
that's when the rainbow comes for youOne of the hardest things...
September 9, 2004
about being a mom is that when the shit goes down, I'm surrounded by people, and I can't talk about it. Everyone around me is joyful and having fun, and I just want to go to sleep. Sleepysad. My brain won't stop working, and it seems like I should be happy with all of the surrounding hubbub, but i am not. And not only am I not happy because someone i loved is dead, but I'm so worried, because the little people around me who are joyous now, might one day grow up to be depressed men who have so very much to offer, and who also might feel that suicide is a viable option for them.
It's not like I've never thought about this before, but I'd much rather have the luxury of thinking about it in the abstract, thank you. I'd much rather go on believing that I was finished with the "friends commmitting suicide" phase of my life. I'd much rather feel omnipotent. I'd much rather fool myself into believing that loving people and appreciating them is enough to sustain them. I'd much rather be able to trust that people are resilient...and not nearly as fragile as some would have us believe.
Like susan, I had a crush on Aaron for a very long time. And then I got to know him, and I just loved him. I loved him like a brother, and I wish I could have hugged him just one time before he decided he didn't want to be alive anymore - or decided not being alive anymore was a good reason to go ahead and make himself dead.
Aw, Aaron...shit. You know? I don't want to turn this blog into the Aaron Hawkins memorial blog, but there were many times when I've turned this blog into the Aaron Hawkins fan club, so why the fuck not? You are all just going to have to deal with me going on and on about it for as long as I need to.
Yeah. The worst thing about being a parent is that I can't cry on my children's shoulders. I can't lay this all out on them. I can't explain why I'm spontaneously bursting into tears. In fact, I feel like I even have to keep the spontaneous bursting into tears episodes to a dull roar to avoid excessive confusion.
Of course, this isolation is what caused me to start blogging in the first place. So I come here to lay this out. And I come here, and here, and here, and here to find the community that I need right now to soften the blow, and to attempt to give comfort if I can.
Monk Always manages to cheer me up.
September 9, 2004
A conversation:
I give Monk his english muffins with cream cheese. He's expecting syrup, as well. We pick it up from there:
Monk: Oh, WAITER...
Mama: Alright, hang on a minute...
Monk: You'r SUPPOSED to say "STOP CALLING ME WAITER!"
...
Monk, again: Moms always forget their lines.
...
Monk, again (to his imagined audience): Folks, this is an example of a Mom Gone Wrong.I just got done...
September 9, 2004
Reading through my entire archived log of IM conversations I had with Aaron. I'm so sad. It has been a month since we last talked, and I was too busy to notice his absence. He was slowly receding, and that makes me sad.
It makes me worry for the other people in my life who tend to recede. For the other people in my life who have problems. Not to diminish my sadness for Aaron, because his death is sad in and of itself, but it makes everyone else in my life seem so much more fragile.
At least I can comfort myself with the fact that I have proof for myself that I told Aaron I loved him frequently. That he was cared for even when I didn't agree with him. That I was concerned for him. I just wish that love could have comforted him.
Aaron was a brilliant mind, a gentle heart, a humorous, honest soul. He will be so missed.
I have to go to bed now. All of his loved ones are in my thoughts tonight. Bless you all.
This was the first conversation I had with Aaron on AIM:
Session Start (AIM - lgbdozer:ahawk31361): Tue Aug 27 19:30:43 2002
lgbdozer: Hey, you...
ahawk31361: I didn't do it.
lgbdozer: haha
ahawk31361: In fact, I don't even know what it is.
lgbdozer: a striking resemblance, I'm sure.
lgbdozer: that's ok. I'll think of something.
ahawk31361: no, really, that's ok.
ahawk31361: think happy thoughts.
lgbdozer: I always do.
ahawk31361: Ok, I meant normal person happy.
lgbdozer: you mean, like, not "imagining that everyone i don't like get's obliterated violently and painfully" happy?
ahawk31361: See, I didn't say that. That's all you. But yes.
lgbdozer: am I thinking happy thoughts for any particular reason? Like, is someone undergoing surgery? Or is this just a general request to shut up and be happy?
ahawk31361: Oh, be yourself. By the way, who is this?
lgbdozer: hahaha
lgbdozer: wouldn't you like to know.
ahawk31361: Well, yeah, actually. . .
lgbdozer: oh, ok.
lgbdozer: It's drublood. The slacker.
ahawk31361: Dude!
lgbdozer: chick!
ahawk31361: Er, your AIM isn't on you site is it? As in, I should know these things. . .
lgbdozer: It's been recently put there. This is a new timesuck for me.
ahawk31361: Yeah, don't use this much myself. It is for the young, I think.
lgbdozer: or for the "wanting to blow off work"
ahawk31361: That works, too.
lgbdozer: how old are you, anyway?
ahawk31361: 32. And still carded buying cigarettes.
lgbdozer: haha
lgbdozer: i was asked if I wanted the STUDENT bus pass today.
lgbdozer: LIke, high school stodent.
lgbdozer: er
lgbdozer: student.
ahawk31361: You're not a high school student? I thought, y'know, Texas, two kids. . .
ahawk31361: You're not from Texas, right? So I can say these things?
lgbdozer: Damn. Yr on to me.
lgbdozer: I'm actually just trying to get free stuff from men by talking about my boobies.
ahawk31361: You so wrong. . . Other than Jhonen Vasquez comics, what have you managed to get?
lgbdozer: Oh, you know...fur coats, cars, the house I currently live in...
lgbdozer: It's a charmed life.
ahawk31361: Ooo, Charmed! Isn't that on right after Gilmore Girls?
lgbdozer: Oh, I don't watch tv.
lgbdozer: I'm too busy lounging in my jacuzzi sipping champagne and eating bon bons
ahawk31361: Hmm. No, nothing on your site about ingesting large quantities of drugs recently. Are new entries not showing up again?
lgbdozer: it's the radical red bubblicious.
ahawk31361: And the black tar heroin.
lgbdozer: um.
ahawk31361: Wait, high school student. Crystal meth.
ahawk31361: My bad.
lgbdozer: er
lgbdozer: dude, I'm like STRAIGHT EDGE, dude.
lgbdozer: or, in the words of the immortal crucial youth: "be straight, don't be late, bench your weight, don't masturbate."
ahawk31361: Never trusted those bastards.
And this was the last:
Session Start (AIM - lgbdozer:ahawk31361): Thu Jul 08 08:25:16 2004 ahawk31361: Good morning, starshine. lgbdozer: hey you! ahawk31361: How goes it? lgbdozer: it goes. lgbdozer: blah. ahawk31361: Same here, love. ahawk31361: Only in a quieter, less stressful sort of a way, I think. lgbdozer: ah. lgbdozer: well, yeah. I would hope so, anyway. *** ahawk31361 signed off at Thu Jul 08 09:40:18 2004.
Seriously...someone tell me this isn't true, ok? I'm so ready to just believe that.
Gone. Never Forgotten.
September 9, 2004
no.
The last nail in the coffin
September 8, 2004
Pretty much this is the last nail in the coffin if I had ever hoped to feel like I was a welcome participant at OS Politics.
Open Source Politics: On Protest
[...]the people who do protests like this are, despite the comment threat at TL, not generally Democrats. The right-wing commenters at TL kept condeming Democrats for such actions, but if you've ever been to any sort of left-wing protest, you tend to find that most of the protestors are not only not Democrats, they generally hate Democrats. People just like this group disrupted the Florida Delegate Breakfast at the DNC while we were there. They actually attempted to storm the stage and take control of the microphone before they were escorted out of the building. Democrats don't generally participate in this kind of activity. There are some, but they aren't really dedicated members of the party, they are people who think that the Democratic party is part of the same corrupt power structure as the Republicans and therefore are equally worthy of contempt. These people don't vote or they vote for the likes of Ralph Nader.
"These people" also don't appreciate being referred to as "these people." And "these people" find the likes of smarmy individuals who don't even attempt to understand the motivations behind protesting at a national political convention abhorrant and counter-productive to any potentially progressive movement.
It's posts like this that REALLY demonstrate why so many of us don't wish to be associated with the so-called democratic party at all. But you can go on blaming Nader, rather than examining your participation in the alienation of lefty voters.</
- Finish cleaning out office