Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: Birth is a Journey

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Birth is a Journey

October 24, 2004

I am holding you within me this tiny, submerged, as I am, in heat. You move, and I break. Only a little. Every night we have this ritual you and I. The water is drawn with lavender and a candle is lit and I lower myself into the bathtub and allow myself to be weak. I allow myself to cry about it all. I allow myself to feel the everything that is compressing me from the outside in. And I hold you in me. I remind you "You are wanted. You are loved. You are necessary." Over and over again until I can't tell if I am reminding you or me.

Birth is a journey from inside to outside, and I prepare myself for this journey by reminding myself of my strength, by surrounding myself with strong people, and by allowing those strong feelings to move through me/you. Each night we have this ritual and I hold you and I hold you and I hold you and I let go, little by little, of him.

Birth is a journey, and I have to remind myself that I am invincible, as I stand with my hands on the bed, alone in my house, awaiting the midwife. Swaying and rocking. She arrives and tells me she loves the way I'm dancing you down. It's the only thing I know how to do. I'm being allowed to listen to my body for the first time in my life. I'm allowing myself to listen, and it's speaking very clearly. It's telling me it is strong and can do this. It's telling me I am strong and I can do this.

Once again I am submerged. I can't remember how I got there. My midwife is busily preparing the birthing bed, reminding me to breathe as she flies through the house and there is someone there singing to me. An outside voice telling me I can do this. Telling me I am strong. And I believe her. And I hold you inside of me, submerged, until I know it is time to let you go.

Now I am on hands and knees on the bed with you, descending. Ascending? It is hard, but I push. I push again. I push again and you are outside of me, begging to be held. Your face is bruised from it's battle, and you are one of the two most beautiful things I have ever seen. The other climbs into bed with us and begins to read to you the book he has memorized for the occasion. As I spill and spill.

Because birth is a journey from inside to outside. And you remind me that when I am most vulnerable, I am also strongest. And you remind me that even fleeting relationships can produce everlasting beauty. And you remind me that joy lurks in the shadows of anguish. And you remind me that I am wanted, I am loved, I am necessary.

Thank you.

For Coley on the fourth anniversary of his birth. The strength of a Sequoia and the soul of a lark.

"I'm glad the ladies came and helped my baby brother to be born, mama." -Monk, the day after Cole's birth.

"Everything is alright. Forever, and forever, and forever..." - Jack Kerouac

Posted at October 24, 2004 4:22 AM

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Comments

Thank you for writing that--it's beautiful and inspiring.

Posted by: snakehairedgirl at October 24, 2004 10:49 AM

Beautiful, beautiful post. Thank you.

Posted by: nina at October 24, 2004 1:07 PM

Lovely post!

Posted by: Laura Mayne at October 24, 2004 2:49 PM

Happy Birth/ing day to you both!

Mwah!

Posted by: RedHeadDread at October 24, 2004 8:43 PM

I am not easily moved to tears, but this did it. It is so beautiful.

Happy Birthday to your little one

Posted by: Rachel at October 25, 2004 2:23 AM

Lovely.

Happy birthday Cole!

Posted by: z at October 25, 2004 11:12 AM

Oh Dru! That is beautiful!

Posted by: Tish at October 25, 2004 11:28 AM

Thank you for this. I think it is easy to forget the power of birth when you are immersed in the day to day detritus of motherhood and the fascination of watching your children grow into the people they will be. You made me remember, and I appreciate that more than I can say.

Birthday hugs to your baby.

Posted by: Reba at October 25, 2004 11:41 AM

Oh. migod. Ohmigod. Oh. My. God.

Posted by: Monica at October 26, 2004 7:02 AM

Boy, I needed to read that. Cheered me up.

Posted by: Roxanne at October 26, 2004 7:30 AM

Oh. migod. Ohmigod. Oh. My. God.

Posted by: Monica at October 26, 2004 07:02 AM

yes, she is.

said with a smile, but seriously - i truly believe that mothers create our universe.

now, enter the temple slowly, piece of chocolate cake held out in front of you...

Posted by: r@d@r at October 26, 2004 12:00 PM

Thank you.

This is a metaphor for something I feel like I'm going through now. And anytime I go through any birthing process, not the least of which is rebirthing myself, again and again. It reminds me that the pain is worth it.

Posted by: Beth at October 26, 2004 5:58 PM

Beyond beautiful. There are no words to describe it really. Even those two words don't say it.

Posted by: Rogue at October 27, 2004 9:54 AM

wow

Posted by: kate at October 28, 2004 6:59 PM