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« November 2004 | Main | January 2005 »
It's bothering me...
December 31, 2004
that i haven't written anything about the tsunami. I've been thinking about it a lot. I think it's difficult to comprehend the devastation and THAT MANY LIVES being lost. My brain just seizes up. I told Monk about it today, because I felt like he should know about such a huge event in the world. He was sad, but I didn't feel that it was appropriate to shelter him from the tragedy. He's not looking at pictures or anything, but...I dunno. He's 8. This is history. And, not only that...I mean, he is such a sensitive little guy, but also so invested in appearing to be insenstive, even at his age. I feel like I need to help him to understand that it's OK to feel sad and to nurture his sensitivity about events like this. Or maybe I'm totally wrong, and I need to add a quarter to the therapy jar.*
Anyway, there obviously aren't words, but I am going to have the children donate their allowance this month to relief efforts, and I'm going to match their donation. It's not much, but it's pretty much all I can afford to give.
And, too, I'm bracing for some sort of world-wide aftershock. I mean, I don't see how an entire plate can break and things can shift THAT MUCH without there being some repercussions elsewhere at some point.
*One of the best parenting ideas ever is to get a big old jar and throw some change in it everytime you do something that's going to come up in therapy later in life. That way, I can send the kids out with the money they will need to recover from my mistakes. Ha!
Friday Random Ten
December 31, 2004
Rox Populi : Friday Random Ten - Happy New Year Edition
- Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - John Finn's Wife
- Air - The Vagabond
- William S. Burroughs - The Sermon on the Mount 2
- A Tribe Called Quest - Crew
- Moby - We Are All Made of Stars
- Buzzcocks - Promises
- 4Hero - Better Place
- Ryan Adams - Goodnite Hollywood Blvd.
- Crass - Chairman of the Bored
- 10,000 maniacs - Candy
Ye Olde Weekly To-Do List
December 31, 2004
i feel self-conscious about these lists going out to the anarchoblog and feminist blog aggregators for some reason. Like I should only be posting Important Stuff now. But, oh well. Here it is anyway:
Stuff I've added for this week
Bake Banana Bread
Make Pizza Dough
Make Pizza Sauce
Put black-eyed peas in the crockpot
(whenever)
- Plan childcare for next 2 weeks
- Get tiles for back room
Plan potluck
(tonight)
Stuff I do every week
Menu Plan
Grocery Shopping
Plan Weekly Activities
Stuff left over from previous weeks
- Get patches for clothes, and sew up skirt and pants.
- Call locksmith AGAIN!!!! to get them to fix the fuck-up they made with my car (will have to do this on a weekday)(I keep calling...they keep NOT fixing.)(AND IF THEY DO NOT FIX IT, CALL THE BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU!!!!!!)(ARGH! Every time I call, they act like they are going to do it, and then they don't. I wish they would just get belligerent with me so I could know that they are not intending to fix it.)
- Finish cleaning out office (I am almost done!!!!)
- Sort toys and games and curriculum in office
- Get rid of dishwasher
- Submit vacation request
- take care of car registration
- Clean van
- Paint living room (this was just way ambitious for me to schedule the same week as monk's b-day party, and I'll have to do it new year's weekend. or something.)
- Get window fixed
- oil change
- Donate more clothes and other items
- Get more copies of pictures of kids
- prepare bed for garden
- Clean front yard
- Get new cover for futon
- Add Rail to Monk's loft, and move futon paid up top so kids can share Monk's room (yay!!!!!!!)
- Recycling
- Move computer into back room
- Move wire rack
- Print Winter Mix covers
- package and mail winter mixes
- Back up laptop and reinstall windows
- Work on Curriculum
- plan redesign
- answer e-mail
- Make appointment at the vet for Twyla's annual check-up
Practicing Patience
December 31, 2004
How many times should I be expected to hear an 8-year old sing:
"Scooby Dooby Dooby...Where are you-ee?"
Just that line, repeated over and over and over again, over the span of 5 minutes...before I freaking explode?
Seriously?
I'll write more about this later.
This Morning's Primal Scream Therapy Courtesy of GW Bush
December 31, 2004
I don't know why anyone would argue his status as person of the year when he performs such amazing feats as cutting funding to the NSF to reduce the deficit.
Still, you say, don't we face a huge deficit now? Indeed we do, but cutting support for scientific research is an incredibly mindless way to solve that problem. Deficits are bad because they represent a form of borrowing against the future. Every dollar we spend beyond our means today is one less dollar that we'll have to spend someday down the road. But scientific research is an investment in future prosperity. Cutting the NSF budget is like a family in debt pulling its children out of college but keeping its country club membership.
I mean, come on folks! Science only gets in the way of progress.
Zine Reviews!
December 29, 2004
In the interest of the previous post, and due to the fact that I've been wading through my piles and piles of zines lately, and have determined that I desperately miss that community, I have decided that I'm going to start doing sporadic zine reviews. Which means, for now, that when I finally get around to reading a zine, I'm going to write about it...in the future, I am hoping I can set aside time to actually solicit review copies so I can do a monthly or quarterly online review (of paper zines).
I just finished reading the road trip issue of 4 kids, 3 pets, 2 moms. It was lovely. Yantra and Sal took me with them on a zany adventure with their wonderful (and challenging!) family, and I learned a lot in the process. I especially enjoyed Yantra's essay on family, and the brief recap of the trip. If you want a copy, send $10 or $2 via paypal to yantra@community.hipmama.com, or I imagine you could e-mail and find out if you can send cash or check.
Also, I don't think it's too late to order Coleen's lovely mama calendar:
the mama calendar is a community building-consciousness raising resource by, of, about and for progressive, feminist mamas and their families, friends & allies everywhere. I've been publishing the mama calendar with a little help from my friends since 2003. if you enjoyed the hip mama community calendars of 2001 & 2002, then this is your sort of thing, because I made those, too.the calendar features a collage-ish blend of photos of mamas, babies,
children, dads, and friends, as well as a guide to mama-made zines,
alternative parenting resources, recipes, recipes for revolution, great dates in radical mama herstory, and of course, the artwork of ayun halliday & heather cushman-dowdee among others.
Community
December 29, 2004
Finally I have managed to wake up before the children so I can write something AND drink HOT coffee instead of 8 hour old coffee that I forgot to drink when I first made it. HOORAY!
I'm reminded of community because of what is going to happen today. Monk has been having a rough time of things lately. His little 8-year old self is tired of his baby brother and tired of his bossy mama who is always demanding that he tie his own shoes. It's simply unreasonable!
Yesterday, when I once again insisted that I am no longer going to tie his shoes for him (it seems like a very small thing, but trust me...the transition into autonomous shoe tying is one that frees me up a great deal...to tie coley's shoes.) He stormed into his room. I was laying on my bed, trying not to get frustrated with the now-daily episodes of extreme agitation over shoe-tying and I heard Monk say "This is BULLSHIT."
Then:
"Mom! You are a JACKASS!"
I'm free to laugh now as I type this, but I had to hold my laughter in when I heard it. Yes, it's even cute when an 8-year old swears. Especially when he a) uses my favorite word to fling at annoying motorists (so, um, it's clear where he got the term from) and b) seemingly has confined himself to animal-based obscenities.
But, what does all of this have to do with community. Well, it's all about what I did at this point. What I did at this point was immediately call up a member of my own little cobbled-together community and request that Monk be whisked away for a slumber party tomorrow so he could have some big boy time with his friend L. Pansy was quick to oblige, because a) she understood completely what was going on and b) she will be needing some help with her kids in the coming months so she can get some extra work.
That, my friends, is some well-oiled community at work. Tonight Monk will be picked up by Pansy and driven off to the country to have some buddy time far, far away from the pest and the jackass.
(Of couse, later in the day, after shoes had been tied and water had flowed under the bridge, I explained to Monk that we don't call each other jackasses, and that if I were to call him a jackass, I would certainly have to apologize. And he apologized. And I still think it's hilarious.)
But what can I do to extend my community next year? Right now, there are a few of us who work in concert. One of whom I really need to reach out to more, because I feel like I'm always on the receiving end of her kindness. Community is hard work. Friendships take a lot of time. But it's time well-spent and fun to spend.
To maintain and expand my community within my parameters, I'm going to really try to reach out to those who are on the perimeter of my community more frequently. I'm not quite ready to give dinner party invitations to my neighbors, who I never really hang out with, even though I probably should and would enjoy their company. But I do have several friends who I don't see nearly often enough. I have to be kind to myself and understand that I have a very busy schedule, and it's difficult to really make contact with everyone on a regular basis...but I seem to do well with planning and calendars, so if I plan a couple of days a month just to see people I don't normally see, that would probably work well.
I also intend to continue in my tradition of monthly potlucks, but with more fervor than before. I'll feel better about that when my house is rearranged, and i'm well on my way to that goal, even though it's not really on my list (environment should have been on there. Damnit!)
For me, a community is a group of people who are not necessarily bound by geography, who work together to achieve a greater good. One of my many communities is the whole of blogdom. I'm hoping that in 2005, I can provide my little full bleed community with a better tool to communicate (upgrade, anyone?) and can participate more in some of the cool online communities that I enjoy, in addition to building and strengthening community with those who are in close physical proximity.
Navigating Breakfast.
December 28, 2004
Breakfast is so hard here. My eldest has inexplicably decided that he doesn't like ANY breakfast foods except a specific brand of Everything bagel. And woe unto me if the store has run out of that specific brand of bagel like they have for the past two weeks. What happens then is that we have to spend about 5 minutes playing the "Guess what Monk wants for breakfast" game until I finally get pissed and realize "Hey, he's EIGHT! He can get his own damn breakfast." So I tell him he'll have to get his own breakfast, and he spends about 15 minutes whining about it and, like today, tasting various foods that he USED TO like and making dissatisfied noises until he finally pulls a green apple out of the fridge and eats it.
Meanwhile, Coley sits at the table and BEGS for every single food item we have in the house. This morning, he settled on oatmeal early. As soon as I poured the oatmeal from the packet into the bowl, he demanded bread and butter. I told him he would have to eat his oatmeal first, and he whimpered. Then he asked for a tofupup...and on and on. He had about 10 of his next food items planned in the five minutes it took me to get his oatmeal in front of him, and he spent the last minute of the oatmeal preparation fake crying because his oatmeal wasn't ready yet.
The above two paragraphs were occurring simultaneously. Meanwhile, I have not eaten, and I am out of coffee.
How is your morning?
Winter Mix 2004/2005
December 26, 2004
Here's the new mix - e-mail me if you are interested in obtaining a copy.
Killing Joke - 80's
Social Distortion - Ring of Fire
The Clash - All the Young Punks
Public Enemy - Welcome to the Terrordome
De La Soul - Held Down (with Cee Lo)
Jimmy Cliff - Rise Up
Culturecide - Act Like the Rich
Knitters - New World
Bran Van 3000 - Old School
English Beat - Mirror in the Bathroom
Bran Van 3000 - Mama Don't Smoke
Sonic Youth and Cypress Hill - I Love Mary Jane
Throbbing Gristle - AB/7A
Eastern Dub Tactic - Asra (Travel By Night)
Portishead - Humming
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Bring it On
Air - All I need
Thelonious Monk - Monk's Mood
Billie Holiday - Lover Come Back To Me
health
December 26, 2004
I've been trying to figure out how to write about my wishes for health in the coming year. I feel like so much of what I was able to naturally incorporate into my life to promote good health 2 or more years ago has become difficult or impossible. Taking the bus, walking, going to the gym...these are all things that take time that I don't have, and they often require childcare.
So often, I have been tempted to put off healthy practices because, well, that's something I will do later, when the kids are grown up. But I miss it, and I'd like to do more walking, aerobics, yoga, and weight training. To be honest, I haven't figured out how to squeeze it into my day...which is why I have been thinking about this post, rather than writing it.
The trick, I keep telling myself, is to build walks into our daily rhythm. But walking with the kids isn't the same thing as a brisk, aerobic workout...and it also takes a LONG time to walk with them. But, then, something is better than nothing.
I also think a lot about making arrangements to have someone watch the kids after my regular work hours a couple times a week so I can take a brisk walk, go for a swim, go to the gym. Someone who might be able to do story time and bedtime with the kiddos, so I don't have to hurry through anything.
It's going to be even more of a challenge to achieve this goal in the coming year, as my job is changing, and they are requiring more hours of me. I'm not sure how I'm going to pull it off, but it's something I need to figure out.
And then, there's this.
December 24, 2004
TomPaine.com - Sell Out Or Sell Off?
Oh, and guess who's also encouraging the watering-down of the Democrats' full-throated defense of a woman's right to control her own body? Why, that noble Democrat of principle John Kerry--the L.A. Times tells us that, "after his election loss, the Massachusetts senator concluded that the party needed to rethink its stance. Addressing supporters at a meeting held by the AFL-CIO, Kerry said he discovered during trips through Pennsylvania that many union members were also abortion opponents and that the party needed to rethink how it could appeal to those voters, Kerry spokesman David Wade said." (Another flip-flop--a sure sign that he's thinking of running again.)
This could be the most important thing I've read all year.
December 24, 2004
The Left must get much better, not just at placing its issues in a compelling moral frame, but at exposing and holding the radical Right accountable for its lies and deception — without, and here is the tricky part, making those who have been manipulated feel ridiculed and put down.
She goes on to talk about how we should not try to frame our issues around the inherently heirarchical parent-child relationship, but rather around interdependence and community.
How lovely! And inspiring!
Vacation Time! Weekly to-do List
December 24, 2004
Stuff left over from previous weeks
- Make appointment at the vet for Twyla's annual check-up
- Get patches for clothes, and sew up skirt and pants.
Call locksmith AGAIN!!!! to get them to fix the fuck-up they made with my car (will have to do this on a weekday)(I keep calling...they keep NOT fixing.)(AND IF THEY DO NOT FIX IT, CALL THE BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU!!!!!!)(ARGH! Every time I call, they act like they are going to do it, and then they don't. I wish they would just get belligerent with me so I could know that they are not intending to fix it.)
- Finish cleaning out office
- Sort toys and games and curriculum in office
- Get rid of dishwasher
- Submit vacation request
- take care of car registration
- Clean van
- Paint living room (this was just way ambitious for me to schedule the same week as monk's b-day party, and I'll have to do it new year's weekend. or something.)
- Get window fixed
- oil change
Clean Monk's Room
Donate clothes
Take pictures of the kids, get them developed, send them to family members so they will shut up about it and leave me alone!
make Winter Mix song list, and start burning.
- prepare bed for garden
- Clean front yard
- Get new cover for futon
- Refill prescription
put up lights
Stuff I've added for this week
Get flannel sheets for Monk
- Add Rail to Monk's loft, and move futon paid up top so kids can share Monk's room (yay!!!!!!!)
Monthly Calendar
Quarterly Calendar
Birthday list
Bring boxes to garage
Chore Chart
- Recycling
- Move computer into back room
- Move wire rack
sort mail/bills/writing
- Print Winter Mix covers
- package and mail winter mix
- Back up laptop and reinstall windows
- Work on Curriculum
- plan redesign
- answer e-mail
price high speed internet access
Stuff I do every week
Menu Plan
Grocery Shopping
Plan Weekly Activities
Menstrual Pants
December 24, 2004
I've been an absolute pain in the ass to be around all week. I'm sure my chidren would say so if you asked them. It's the kind of thing where I'll stop in mid-sentence and hear myself talking the way I'm talking to them, and think "Do I really sound as mean as that?" I feel sorry for them, but we've managed to have a good week in between my bouts of unbearablenesshood.
The dogs, too, cower when I am near. It doesn't help that they have done something awful just about every day this week. Beginning with the small piles of absolutely the smelliest diarrhea I've ever smelled I came home to on Monday, and most recently the nice dish broken in half on the floor because SOMEBODY prefers to eat day old leftovers rather than the food in the FULL dog dish on the floor. I have no idea how people keep their pets from getting up on counters to eat food, but I have gotten into the habit of scanning the kitchen before I go and pushing everything back as far as I can, and I still lose a dish about every two to three weeks. This was one of the nice pottery barn plates that R left for me, and it really pissed me off. I don't have many nice things, so I get disproportionately angry when something nice gets broken, especially for such a dumb reason. I'm sure there was nothing but crumbs and a smattering of butter left on the dish, so, blah. This morning, I found a half a can of corn in my room that the dog had dragged in there. Like i said...I'm really tired of it.
And I'm not unreasonable, either. I brought the cats in last night, and I don't have a litter box for them right now, so I didn't even get upset when they pooped and peed on the bathroom rug. In fact, I thought it was sort of cute that they pulled a corner of the rug over to "bury" it for me. Cats are so much more considerate than dogs.
But I was going to write about menstrual pants.
I took a shower today for the first time since I started my vacation on Tuesday. I've been basically wearing my pajamas since that point, because it got sort of cold here, and why change out of warm clothes...or bathe...when it's just going to add to the coldness. I'm keeping the house at around 60 degrees during the day, and we've gotten used to it.
But, damn, was I ever stinky. It was at the point where I was self-conscious on my short forays into the public. Like, maybe I was inured to my stink, and had no idea how offensive I really was. I mean, I KNEW I was stinky underneath it all, but I had no idea how stinky my clothes were. So, I finally convinced myself that a shower was in order. And while I was in the shower I had the brilliant idea that what I really need are menstrual pants...or, rather, menstrual underwear. Because I really don't do tampons very often, and I don't like the keeper...and I think Glad Rags are horribly uncomfortable and they always get all bunched up and they are too pretty to bleed on, anyway. So, I figured if I could sew a little pouch in a few pairs of underwear, and just put some cloth liners in the pouch...I could change them a few times a day and be done with it. It's no different than having a pad, really...except I'd change all of my underwear. In fact, really, i could just sew the pad right INTO the underwear, and if I do laundry every day, I could just have 6 or 7 pairs, and I'd be set.
Why haven't they invented that yet.
Well, my children are getting into the five millionth fight of the day. Yesterday I was actually relieved to drop them off at their father's house after listening to them bicker with each other all day. I better go do afternoon circle. Wish me luck.
Friday Random Ten: My new computer edition
December 24, 2004
Rox Populi : Friday Random Ten - The Dingo Ate My Baby Edition
- Screeching Weasel - Stupid Over You
- Berlin - Riding on the Metro
- A Tribe Called Quest - Check the Rhyme
- A Tribe Called Quest - Buggin' Out
- BB King & Tracy Chapman - The Thrill is Gone
- NRBQ - Keep Looking for Tumbleweeds, Daddy
- Moby - Matrix Lobby Scene
- Operation Ivy - I Got No
- The Jesus and Mary Chain - Head On
- The Yeastie Girls - Talking Shit
Sustainability.
December 23, 2004
I just finished cleaning out my fridge for the first time since R came to stay here. It's safe to say that I'm fairly disgusted with myself for the amount of food that I just threw away, and the amount of redundancy in the fridge right now. I can make excuses like "The fridge was so full while she was here that it was difficult to take inventory." But, really, there's no excuse for FOUR JARS OF PEANUT BUTTER in various stages of fullness, and THREE JARS OF MUSTARD - all pretty full.
Personal sustainability is a tricky one. It's difficult to balance conscious living with full-throttle busy living. Slow food is an excellent idea, if you have time to do it. For me, convenience often wins out, but it doesn't have to win at the expense of conservation. It takes 10 minutes to inventory a clean fridge, and it takes 15 minutes to clean a fridge, if you do it once a week. Can I really not spare 15 minutes a week? And how much does it cost me to NOT spend that 15 minutes.
Of course, my fridge is an analogy for the rest of my life. I think it's finally starting to hit me. All of those "rid yourself of clutter" books that I've read are all colliding in my mind and finally making sense. As I look into the tidy fridge, I can see why it's easier to manage. I truly know the meaning of the phrase "Clean slate." Decluttering, whether it's a fridge, a room, or a mind, is the first step towards sustainability. It's a step I've been trying to take for years, and haven't quite put my foot down.
Sustainability, to me, means having just enough, and no more. Sustainability means giving extra to others (like the extra mustard, jams, and peanut butter, that I will no doubt distribute to friends as they filter through my house...as well as the books I've already read, and the time I can certainly spare to help someone else get rid of the clutter in their lives, be it tangible or psychological.)
Of course, "just enough" is arbitrary. A completely subjective term which depends on the person, and which, even for the same person, can change depending on the circumstance. Maintaining "just enough" involves taking inventory of what you have, what you need, and what you want, and striking a balance. So the attainment of this wish requires that I set aside time to write about what I have in my life presently, what I feel comfortable ridding myself of, and what I need to allow in.
This means the refrigerator was only the beginning of my journey. I have a lot more work to do.
This is a really cool activity
December 23, 2004
We just did A Song for All Seasons, which is an activity that combines music appreciation with a lesson about the seasons. It was a lot of fun. You have to use Internet Explorer, though, because the buttons don't show up in Firefox.
Enjoy!
UM...
December 22, 2004
If I seem strangely absent from my blog, it's because J built a new computer for me (well...and for the kids) and I'm busy playing The Sims 2 every minute that I don't have the kids with me. I HOPE that won't be the case, but...it just might be.
See you around Strangetown.
(that's some sims nerd humor there for you.)
Closure, and opening up
December 21, 2004
It just occurred to me that J and I have been dating for almost a year. It seems like forever and no time at all. I still have to clutch the edges of furniture when I think of him/his presence in my life. It's like a rush. It's really wonderful. He...he is really wonderful.
My first wish is for closure. It is perhaps the most obvious wish. The wish for the end of a very painful chapter of my life. But not just in one person, rather in my tendency to settle for things instead of insisting on what I know is fair for me to ask of people and of myself. The end of dragging things out to an illogical conclusion. I want to close the book on those relationships and those tendencies.
To make this wish come true, I need to persist with keeping the divorce proceedings on track. I have mediation set for mid-January, and I need to get on my attorney and make sure we can turn a court date as soon as possible after that. I imagine after the divorce is over, the entire world will hear a resounding thud, as if a giant book has been slammed shut - and hopefully the click of a key to lock it closed, and maybe a thump and a splash...which would be the sound of my drop-kicking the book into the deepest possible ocean. That's what closure looks like in my mind.
Closure is easy. It's opening that is going to be difficult. So much I find, in my relationship with J, I protect myself by hiding behind the pain of that past relationship and those that came before it. J has some issues that are consistent with behavioral patterns of past lovers, and it can trigger me in unpleasant ways. I have to remind myself that J comes with his own set of responses and reactions, and interacts with his world in ways that are different from others. Everything I've experienced with J in the past year has only reinforced the fact that it is safe to be open with him, in spite of his depression...or maybe because of it. Regardless...
So it is that closing and opening is symbolic of so much. I feel I'm prepared to do this early in the year, and that it will set me up to really be open to giving and receiving all of the other things I wish to give and receive in the coming year.
Ten Wishes
December 21, 2004
Tonight is the longest night. Last year, the kids and I started a tradition on the longest night of making a wish chain, writing a wish for the coming year on each link of a long chain. This year, I'm thinking about my wishes, and what I can do to accomplish them. So I wrote down ten wishes, and I'm going to write about one wish for each day of the remainder of the year.
Here's the list, numbered, but in no particular order:
- Closure (and opening up)
- Sustainability
- Health
- Community
- Practiced Patience
- Family
- Creativity
- Comfort
- Abundance and appreciation
- Tranquility
Later today, I'll write more about what Closure means to me, and the steps I intend to take to achieve that in the coming year.
What are your wishes?
P.S. i want desperately to add "fertility" to that list, but I don't want to scare the crap out of J. hahahaha.
Bowling Alley Birthday Party and other Fascinating Tales of Misadventure.
December 20, 2004
It was a good weekend, and it's promising to be a good week. Today is my last day at work for the rest of the year, and I'm going to spend today in a meeting, and then taking my boss (who is leaving as of 12/23) out to dinner with the rest of the team.
On Friday, J and I went to see the Lemony Snicket movie. I have to say, while I wasn't terribly disappointed, I wasn't in love with the movie, and I think Monk will be terribly disappointed when he sees it, but that remains to be seen. There's nothing in particular that I can say that disappointed me about the movie, except that maybe cramming three stories into one movie was a bit much. For instance, I don't think they made Aunt Josephine's obsession with grammar nearly as apparant as they should have in order to make the ciphering of her suicide note logical.
But, anyway...
Friday before the movie I went out and got paint, and the idea was that J would help me paint later that night, but I didn't feel like it. And I didn't feel like it on Saturday, either, after I had made a nice little meal for us.
I baked a cake on Saturday night, though, for Monk's Sunday birthday party. I made butterscotch icing, just like he wanted. I was bustling around Sunday morning baking cupcakes and getting everything together, and then I picked them up from their dad's house and brought them straight to the bowling alley for the party.
The kids had a great time bowling. And though Monk was upset that his papa wasn't there (due to totally selfish reasons on his papa's part that I won't go into here, but suffice to say that the offer was extended, and the offer to alter the guest list to aid in his comfort level was also extended, and still he refused. Leading Monk to confess to me that he wished his papa was there "because maybe the bowling alley would let him bring his guitar in, and he could have played Happy Birthday for me." Leading me to think "What an ASS. arrrrgh.")
But anyway...fun was had by all. Then cake was had by all. Then more fun was had, as the kids all piled into cars and some came to my house for more playtime. Then everyone left, and I was alone with my kids and we had all consumed way too much sugar and I was grouchy and they were hyper, and we had another party to attend, so we got there but Coley was doing his 4-year old dance and the room we were in was really small, and Coley ate like half the food there, and then Monk was saying obnoxious things, so I decided to cut our stay at the other party a bit short before I exploded, too.
So, we came home and they played for a bit and then we had bedtime circle...which helped to get us back in touch with each other. Usually when the come home, we have some semblance of together time, and we didn't on Sunday. I realized that *I* need to dip my foot in a bit before I start parenting full throttle after my weekends alone, and I'm sure they need to be eased back into being home, too. So, while I didn't really have a choice with the birthday party this year (Sunday was the only day they had available) I'm going to plan for a better time next year.
After story time, I lay down with Coley and he was telling me that he had to ask me 8-10-12-24 questions. He's so freaking adorable, that kid. Even when he's being absolutely the most obnoxious child on the face of the planet, it's difficult not to grin at his antics. At the evening party yesterday, he got out a plate, and carefully picked out food that he wanted to eat, and then poured himself punch perfectly, without spilling a drop. Did I mention Coley is in another one of his nonstop eating phases? From the minute he wakes up until I he closes his eyes to sleep, he is either asking to be fed or rummaging through the refrigerator. After the party, I started to panic a bit because he was demanding more food immediately upon entering the house. He must be having a tremendous growth spurt. I call him the stomach with legs.
Speaking of which, you know who just woke up and demanded you know what...so I better go and feed these starving children.
Up in flames.
December 17, 2004
r@d@r has some advice for those of us who would like to know how to not lose [our] freaking mind[s]...
7. in the greater scheme of things, the person who does not know how to lose or to fail well is only a temporary, minor succeeder/winner. the big time, long-term succeeder/winner knows how to occasionally go down with the most spectacular flames possible. so don't worry about fucking up; worry about rising to your level of mediocrity, which is far worse.
Now, about those flames...They ARE the warm kind, right?
Feet.
December 17, 2004
I think the thermostat on my heater is broken. And I guess the bright side of this is I will most likely save on heating costs, but I'm freezing my ass off in the process. Well, I mean, there's no actual chance of me freezing my ass of here in Austin Texas, where the nighttime temps don't fall much below 20, and lately have hovered around 40...but you'd be surprised at how cold a drafty old house with marginal insulation can get.
The kids are both sharing my bed right now and I'm not fighting it because it's the best way to stay warm. Last night, I ran the heat a bit before I went to bed to warm up the house in hopes that it would miraculously stay warm all night, rather than seeping out the various cracks and gaps and fissures. I was wrong. I woke up in the middle of the night, shivering, with two pairs of feet stuck in my face. The boys were snuggled up with each other, and I got their freaking FEET to contend with. I tucked their feet in, pulled my blanket under my chin, and went back to sleep.
And, the heat JUST came on as I finished that sentence. My life can be such a freaking joke sometimes.
The ever-so-lovely weekly to-do list
December 17, 2004
Stuff I do every week
Menu Plan
Grocery Shopping
Plan Weekly Activities
Stuff left over from previous weeks
- Make appointment at the vet for Twyla's annual check-up
- Get patches for clothes, and sew up skirt and pants.
Write up chili recipe for M.
Call locksmith AGAIN!!!! to get them to fix the fuck-up they made with my car (will have to do this on a weekday)(I keep calling...they keep NOT fixing.)(AND IF THEY DO NOT FIX IT, CALL THE BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU!!!!!!)
pay bills
- taxes
- Finish cleaning out office
- Sort toys and games and curriculum in office
Mail out Autumn mix and kid mix (burned - need sending)
- Get rid of dishwasher
Clean bedroom
Clean bathroom
- Submit vacation request
- take care of car registration
Stuff I've added for this week
Clean out fridge
- Clean van
Get paint & supplies
- Paint living room (this was just way ambitious for me to schedule the same week as monk's b-day party, and I'll have to do it new year's weekend. or something.)
Bake cake
Prepare for Monk's birthday party
- Get window fixed
- oil change
- Clean Monk's Room
Go through clothes in my closet
- Donate clothes
Call Arc of Texas for furniture pickup
- Take pictures of the kids, get them developed, send them to family members so they will shut up about it and leave me alone!
- make Winter Mix song list, and start burning.
renew driver's license
- prepare bed for garden
change out CDs
- Clean front yard
- Get new cover for futon
- Refill prescription
- put up lights
Follow-up to the last post...
December 16, 2004
Walking home from M's house, I taught coley how to swoosh in the dry gutter leaves. He thought it was the coolest thing EVER, and he laughed and laughed. And I laughed, too.
I have totally hit a wall.
December 16, 2004
R left this morning, and she hadn't even finished packing and driving off before I was on the phone weeping over her absence. Monk was like "Put that book that they gave me somewhere where I can't see it...I can't bear to think of them right now."
We're really pretty broken up about it. And I feel like they were barely here at all, you know?
(click below to read about my everlasting angst)
With everything that is happening at work, and so much up in the air, I'm feeling like I really can't bear it all right now. Or bear it at all. It's too fucking much for me. I want to ask my mom and my sister how they did it by themselves. And I know I have support, but so many of those who I consider my support people have other things to take care of without me heaping my problems on top.
It's like I'm sitting here trying to convince myself that everything is going to be alright. I want to be optimistic, but I don't want to be an optimist. I'm a realist. And right now it REALLY feels like everything is the exact opposite of alright.
The kids are away at M's house. I'm still planning to paint this weekend, but I no longer feel the creative tug. I feel desperate. I feel lost. I feel like I'm really tired of struggling. I feel like a rug has been pulled out from under me. And now, on top of all of that, I feel lonely!
So, here I go talking myself through this again. While I'm not sure what the future holds in terms of my employment, there are things I can do now to gird myself. I can find a roommate. I can continue moving forward with freelance work. I can take care of myself physically and emotionally. I can pull people close and work on those things that I've told myself I need to work on. I can just put the possibility of getting any help whatsoever from L right out of my mind.
And, failing all of that, I can always move back in with my mom - who has been amazingly supportive over these past few months. Non-judgmentally so, which is...wow. I mean, she never has been incredibly judgmental, but I keep hearing my friends talking about their parents, and I'm rediscovering that I have a really good relationship with my mom. So, there's that.
But I am stubborn, and I WANT to make it work. I want to be able to stay here and be with my kids. Ideally, I'd like to be in a relationship that would allow me to stay here with the kids pretty damn near close to full time. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of working for something I agree with less and less. I'm just plain tired. And lovesick. And lonely. And tired.
And now I have to splash cold water on my face and go walk over to m's house and pick up my kiddos.
Excellent article
December 15, 2004
Guardian Unlimited | Special reports | Julie Bindel: Sexual desire is a social construct
Julie McNamara, mental health consultant to the disability rights commission, is dismayed that scientists are still concerning themselves with this issue. "We have uncontrolled famine in developing countries, serious illness for which there is no cure, and researchers are spending time and public money on this nonsense. I thought we had learned that pseudo-Darwinism is dangerous."
[link via randomwalks]
Medea Benjamin gets it.
December 15, 2004
MANY OF US IN THE GREEN PARTY made a tremendous compromise by campaigning in swing states for such a miserable standard-bearer for the progressive movement as John Kerry. Well, I've had it. As George Bush says, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me--you can't get fooled again."
[link courtesy of Zagg]
Duct Tape.
December 14, 2004
I feel like my house is being held together by duct tape. Now I have a problem with the front door. It closes too far, and gets stuck, and I have to pry it open using screwdrivers as shivs. I should probably get a whole new front door, anyway. It's just the screen. It's on my long list of house repairs. It'll happen. I also need to get a new lock for the front door, as I have never had a key for the one that's there.
Stuff piles up when you are struggling just to pay the bills. First it was the dryer, which didn't really bother me, because it was more incentive to hang laundry, and there's a laundromat down the street if I am in desperate need for dry clothes and have no time to hang them dry. Actually, the last time I was at the laundromat, during last month's extended rains, I really started thinking about the redundancy of bit, expensive, wasteful machinery most people have in their homes, and how laudromats are really an elegant concept. And, really, why IS it that wastefulness is a sign of success in our society? Why DO we suffer so much redundancy for the sake of convenience? What are we actually exchanging for that convenience? It's not like laundry takes an awful lot more time at a laundromat. You load of 4 machines with your laundry and, if you stay there, you have time to sit and read and perhaps hob-nob with your neighbors. I can see why people with small children might want or need these large appliances in their homes, but really...do all of us?
Also, things like computers, cars, televisions...when you change the context of these items from private consumption to public cooperation, you alter their utilization and perhaps change the landscape of our society from isolationism to collectivism. That's appealling to me on many levels. I mean, I'm all for having "things" that make you happy or make life easier. I wouldn't want to give up my convenience items unless it's shown to me what I'm losing for the sake of convenience. Am I missing out on opportunities to collaborate with my neighbors? Am I wasting resources? Am I, perhaps, missing out on some unknown value by consuming goods and being entertained privately rather than publically?
Something as simple as sharing meals can be a revolutionary act. When was the last time you opened up your kitchen? Mine might be held together by duct tape, but it's still warmed by the presence of others and the sharing of our disparate skills.
Cool.
December 14, 2004
It has just come to my attention that this blog has been nominated for Best of Blog (BoB) Awards 2004: New Category: Best Education/Homeschooling Blog. Wow. Thanks.
I guess Rogue is the one who nominated me. That was really sweet of you, Rogue. Thank you.
I have no idea when voting happens, but all of the information is here. So you can nominate YOUR favorite blogs, in any number of categories.
Famous Last Words.
December 13, 2004
Before I left for work today, I wrote a fairly long post about all of the positive financial vibes I'm getting for the new year. I've discovered that I can get a pretty fair amount of money for renting out my back room, and I've decided that a roommate wouldn't be a horrible thing, considering I've done without that space for the three months R has been here. And then I went into detail about a few other things. Then I accidentally closed out the window without waiting for the post to save, and said "Crap! Oh well."
Then I went to a meeting at work at which time a hammer attempted to drop on my glowing positivity about the upcoming year.
Without going into too much detail, I've been given a choice between my children and my time/finances. Which...I mean, there are a lot worse choices to be had, but I'm not particularly happy to have to make this. And, oh by the way, if I choose my children, the person I like least in the entire organization will be my boss, which could very well make my life a living hell. I'm not sure if that's karma, or irony...either way, I have to admit, it's pretty fucking funny.
I was upset about this at first, but now...I'm really just laughing. Sort of. I mean, I'm tempted to cry...but I'm thinking about all of the clutter, both physical and emotional, that's being lifted from my life in the coming months. And I can't really be sad about that. There's a lot of potential for change, and there's really no looking back.
This weekend, the children will be at their father's house. I am going to paint a wall of my living room. Just one wall. Just so I can move my clunky shelf against it sooner, rather than later, without having to move it again when I decide to paint. I'm going to paint that wall, and I'm going to meditate on all of the curves I have traversed over the path of my life. And I'm going to remember all of the sorrow and heartache and fear, along with joy and abundance, that has brought me to where I am now. And how all of it is integral to who I am today, and much of what I'm going through right now is absolutely integral to who I will be next year. And for the rest of my life.
Um..
December 12, 2004
Can anyone tell me why this is called "The Nanny Problem:"
Speaking from his home in Franklin Lakes, N.J., the 49-year-old Kerik said he had discovered a few days ago that he did not pay all required taxes for a family nanny-housekeeper and that the woman may have been in the country illegally.
Isn't "The predictably hypocritical weatlhy elite are at it again" problem a better name for it.
I wonder what the rich call abortion? Is it the "unwanted clump of cells" problem? Or is it the "it's only immoral if you are poor" problem?
What the fuck ever.
Weekly to-do list
December 10, 2004
Stuff I've added for this week
Plan Solstice gathering
Order gifts
Sell some of the crap on my porch
Stuff I do every week
Menu Plan
Grocery Shopping
Plan Weekly Activities
Stuff left over from previous weeks
- take care of car registration
Finish Planning Solar Tour Field trip
- pay someone to do the rest of the yard work for me
- Make appointment at the vet for Twyla's annual check-up
- Get patches for clothes, and sew up skirt and pants.
- Write up chili recipe for M.
Call locksmith to get them to fix the fuck-up they made with my car (will have to do this on a weekday)(I keep calling...they keep NOT fixing.)
- taxes
- Finish cleaning out office
- Sort toys and games and curriculum in office
- Mail out Autumn mix and kid mix (burned - need sending)
Answer homeschool survey
- Get rid of dishwasher
- Clean bedroom
- Clean bathroom
- Submit vacation request
- Back Up MP3 CD's
- pay bills
I SWEAR i've been good...
December 10, 2004
So if anyone wants to buy me these nikki McClure posters for my kitchen and these Inspired Agitators posters for our "classroom", I promise I will continue to be good!
(picture me looking all angelic and shit)
Friday Random Ten
December 10, 2004
Rox Populi : Friday Random Ten - Really, Really Random Edition
Here are mine:
- Metal Chicks Always on my Mind - Skateboard vs. Erlend Oye
- Son of a Bush - Public Enemy
- At Last - Etta James
- Sexy Boy - Air
- The Cockroach that Ate Cincinnati - Rose & the Arrangement
- Cheer Up - Peter Tosh/Bob Marley
- il Quarto Giorno/Macchie Di Sangue/Musica - Air & Alessandro Baricco
- What Goes On (Live) - The Velvet Underground
- Have a Little Fun with me - Glen Phillips
- Rock the Casbah - The Clash
Complex.
December 9, 2004
In my previous post, I talked briefly about my discussion with Monk about being a big brother and appropriate and inappropriate behavior. There was one thing I forgot to mention. Monk has gained a complex due to the close relationship of the Baudelaire orphans in the Lemony Snicket books.
Of all things! We're talking about how it's inappropriate to hit your baby brother, and I'm trying to tell him that I can probably pretty honestly say that baby siblings are inherently annoying, and he's telling me he feels like he's a bad kid because "The Baudelaire orphans live in close quarters, and THEY never argue or hit each other!"
Nyeesh, kid...where do I begin. Oh yeah: "But, Monk...that's fiction."
"No it's not! The author dedicates the books to Beatrice, and she's real, and in this book he implied that Beatrice was killed by Count Olaf! It's real!"
"Monk, sometimes, even in real life stories (although, I assure you, A Series of Unfortunate Events is not anyone's true story) an author has to cut out extra information to make the story readable. And it's generally assumed that most people don't want to read about the countless arguments between siblings, because they've had enough arguments with their own siblings, and no one really wants to hear about it! I can't really think of anyone in this world who has never argued with their brother or sister. And, yes, mommies and daddies who still live together and stay married...they most likely argue with each other, too."
How do I impart to my child that people who live in close quarters typically have periods where it's difficult to get along when there are so many examples to the contrary out there that are so much more fun to believe. And, really, leave it to Monk to find that utopia in a book about all of the horrible things that happen to three orphaned children!
Those Brain-Dead Parents.
December 9, 2004
The other day, I was surfing through my blogroll, and I came upon a conversation on a blog that was about those "other mommies" who can never seem to talk about anything other than their "pwecious widdle wuvvies" and the ensuing comments about how annoying moms are and how the author of the blog and the people who were leaving comments would NEVER want to be THAT kind of mommy.
It almost sounded like one of those child-free conventions. Not the kind where people talk about their OWN personal choice to not have children, but about the fact that OTHER PEOPLE dare to have children, and those OTHER PEOPLE are so damn annoying, and bad parents, to boot.
The difference was that these people were all parents. Mostly moms. But they were convinced that they weren't THAT kind of mom, whose life revolves around their children to the point that that's ALL they ever talk about.
And I was mildly amused by some of the comments, and I could relate to a good many of them. At the same time, I had a strange feeling about it all. A sort of tug. I couldn't help feeling that perhaps I'm THAT KIND of mommy myself, and that perhaps THOSE KINDS of conversations are just another way to condemn women for the choices that they make.
First, you are condemned whether you choose to have children or not. And you are condemned about the decision to work or stay at home. And you are condemned for decisions about breastfeeding, education, nutrition, religion....it goes on and on.
And now I have to worry about whether I might be TALKING about them too much?
Let's think about this. In the common view, THOSE kind of women who talk about their children ALL OF THE TIME (if that's even freaking possible) are viewed as stupid, insipid, dependent, and boring. And, I'm sure there are women who talk about their little "shmoopsie-poos" in an annoying way at an irritating frequency. Honestly, though, I believe this is a myth that merely perpetuates a patriarchal view of parenting as being worthless and benign.
In actuality, most of us know that parenting is NOT worthless. Those of us who have made the choice to be parents have taken on a task that is really freaking difficult. And I say that not for sympathy, although parenting is WAY harder than a lot of people make it out to be, and, quite frankly, any sympathy I can get is probably well-earned and well-placed. I say that because being a thoughtful, proactive parent in our society requires a LOT of hard work, hard thought, soul searching, and, yes, frequent conversation with other parents about how to handle these situations we find ourselves in.
I make light of parenting a lot on this blog. And I would never trade those fun moments for the world. But, when it comes down to it, every day parenting forces me to make a choice between the reactionary programmed responses and the kind of proactive conscious choices that any anarchist or therapist would spend years attempting to guide me through. I frequently fall back on the former, although my goal is to accomplish the latter.
The fact is, most of us weren't parented thoughtfully, and even if we were, society paints parenting as a brainless occupation. There's no pay involved, and any rewards that are reaped are devalued by feminists and non-feminists alike.
I am so very thankful to be involved with a community of thoughtful mothers. All of us had distinct challenges with our families of origin. None of us could claim to have had "perfect" childhoods. Few of us have decent role models to pattern our parenting or even nurturing responses after. Therefore, a lot of our conversations involve in-depth check-ins about how we are handling the challenges of parenting our children. "Is this ok?" and "What would you do if..." and "How should we, as a community of parents, handle..." are regularly interspersed into our conversations about politics, sex, money, and whatever else we bring to the table. Quite frequently, I will base an entire visit with another parent on the problems I am facing with my children. This is how I learn to be a better parent. I lay my ideas/issues out before someone else, they offer their experience/advice, and I form ideas about how to handle the situation.
Really, in my eyes, parenting boils down to two things. First, I'm blessed with the opportunity to nurture and love and guide two beautiful boys. This is a tremendous gift and an incredibly harrowing ordeal! On a daily basis, I am commonly asked to really, truly be conscious of how I react to their behavior, figure out if my reaction is organic, or if it's being filtered through whatever bullshit I happen to be harboring, and guide them in dealing with whatever bullshit they are encountering. For example, today Monk was having difficulty with Cole. Monk is frequently frustrated with Cole, and today has been one of those days that they have both been unnerved with each other and have both had various adverse reactions to the general fullness/chaos in the house as well as having allowed themselves to go too long between snacks, which always exacerbates any problem to the nth degree. At any rate, Monk blew up at Cole because Cole was standing too close to him, or something small that was actually a magnified reaction to the larger difficulty of just having to live with a 4-year old day in and day out. I was cooking, so I heard the rummblings, but was unable to get back there before Monk erupted.
By the time I got there, Monk had Coley's head between his hands, and was SQUEEZING. Coley was crying, Monk was furious. I had to make a bunch of quick decisions about how to defuse the situation without taking sides. Because, look, I know it's freaking hard to be a big brother, and I know Coley is hella annoying sometimes...but it's just not ok to hurt people for that reason. So I had to put Monk in his room, help Coley wash his hands, try to explain calmly to a yelling, screaming, crying Monk that his behavior wasn't acceptable but that I would be happy to talk to him once he calmed down, prepare Coley's lunch, get him occupied with eating so HE would stop yelling and screaming...
...and then, finally, really pull Monk aside and listen to him. Which is really all he needed. Well, what he REALLY needed was to eat something, but the frustration was coming from not feeling like he's listened to, which I can understand to a great extent. And feeling left out and unloved, which he has expressed to me very clearly in calmer moments.
So, sure, it would have been a lot easier to just yell and scream at Monk and tell him to go away - or to lock him out or leave him alone or give him the silent treatment or tell him to SHUT THE FUCK UP (all of which I wanted to do this afternoon, and all of which I have, to some degree, done at different points in his life) But thoughtful parenting requires that I look at the root causes of the problem as well as to stare up at the uppermost branches of the tree that lead to the logical result of the problem. And if it takes me 10 minutes of talking to Monk now to make him feel like he's being heard IN SPITE OF THE FACT that he may be totally wrong (because, even though I did validate his frustration, I also reinforced the fact that, regardless, we do not act out with physical agression when people frustrate us. And I also had to TOTALLY reiterate to him that he is the only person who controls his body, and Coley's actions do not CAUSE Monk's aggression.)
I have to point out that I'm not trying to congratulate myself here...although I feel like I handled this afternoon's fiasco particularly well, I don't always respond as thoughtfully. But my FOCUS...my GOAL is thoughtfulness, even though my actions (or my level of patience) sometimes don't bear that out. And THOUGHTFULNESS requires knowledge, creativity, and communication between children and THE EXPERTS (e.g. other parents).
The second thing that parenting boils down to is the fact that these little people I share my home with are also roommates. Roommates whose personalities I did not choose, and who actually have the nerve to have free will, and the unending ability to do things that I do not wish for them to do, even if these things are perfectly within the bounds of reasonable behavior. This is where a lot of self-examination and self-awareness comes into play. Because, really, to be one of THOSE parents, you have to commit yourself to an exhausting degree of thinking and rethinking your motives and reactions. And sometimes it is helpful to replay these scenarios for someone else to aid in the process. Which, again, is not to say that I always put forward this Herculean amount of effort. Sometimes I wing it. Sometimes I say "What the fuck ever." But my GOAL, again, is to be a thoughtful parent, and that requires that I am thoughtful about my needs and my desires, and that I constantly negotiate what I am willing/unwilling to compromise of myself to raise these beautiful boys.
So, you can see why I get frustrated when I read a thread on a blog with a group of women basically bashing other women who like to talk about their kids. Or when women talk about parenting like it's some sort of monotonous exercise in brain-deadivity. Because it's truly, truly not. And I think all of us know that, and our tendency to write it off that way doesn't help those of us who would like for parents to be recognized for the hard work they do and the ends they accomplish through this hard work.
Why my friend David should be famous.
December 8, 2004
Drunken Monkey Motorcycle: Bits and Pieces Falling Apart
That whole post, especially the quote " I don't know if the way I laughed was a good thing or a bad thing." Plus he's crazy and a big old smart-ass and yet somehow manages to come across as a lovable sweetie-pie.
I wish him the very best of luck on his journey, and I read his blog as often as I get a chance.
Forever and forever and forever.
December 8, 2004
I just stepped out into the crisp air to return some videos, and I was struck with this feeling of calmness. This feeling that everything is going to be alright. That, in fact, everything IS alright.
I'm not sure why this is suddenly washing over me. I mean, I had intended to put forth an effort to stop worrying so damn much, but I haven't yet made that effort and the effort, it appears, is instead making me. Which is to say that I am fairly certain that I am going to survive this next phase of my life, having survived the last however many anyway. I have plans, and my plans are based on reality, and it will all be OK.
Which, you know, is a relief...because I was sort of getting tired of worrying.
I'm having a difficult time...
December 7, 2004
writing about politics anymore. Not because I don't think about what's going on in the world, or rant about it IRL, or feel strongly about my issues of choice...but because I feel like I've said it all before, and that no one needs to hear me say it again and again and again.
I need to get over this. Not only because I'm tired of this blog being the "all kids all the time" network, but because I'm hoping to relaunch Clothespins for the revolution at some point in the near future, and I need to really focus on finding ways to write about what's going on in the world, and how capitalism plays a role in global oppression.
I love my kids, but they are not the reason I started a blog. They are supposed to offer the oasis between my sees of seething rage against society. HAHAHAHAHAH.
I need to seethe more here, so I can seethe less in my real life.
Or something.
Coley just ran in here, screaming...
December 7, 2004
"MONK'S GONNA EAT COLE SLAW!!!!!"
then, in a quavering, frightened voice...
"with REAL Cole....!"
This link is for madame insane...
December 6, 2004
...but you might like to read it, too.
ELEVEN THIRTY
December 5, 2004
I can't even believe how late I woke up today. Me. The person who rarely stays in bed past 9. I wo