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« February 2005 | Main | April 2005 »

Get Your War on meets: the feeding tube

March 28, 2005

(click to make it bigger)
(go here for the whole thing)
(Thanks to k8 for reminding me to read!)

Posted at 9:22 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Spinning:

March 27, 2005

This is what is currently loaded up in the CD Jukebox:

Newman Passage - Souvenir Complication
Jill Sobule - Pink Pearl
Moon - Get it Through Your Heart
v/a - Leather Egg's Hot Summer Night mix CD
v/a - Souns of the Eighties: The Early
80s: Take Two
v/a - Accident Hash Tunes mix CD
Oblivion - Shoot Me a Waco
v/a - Madame Insane's Winter Solstice 2004 mix CD
v/a - Music Brings us All Closer mix CD
The Ex - Starters Alternators
Cat Power - You Are Free
No Empathy - They Want Whatever
Violent Femmes - Freak Magnet
v/a - Electro Lainieland mix CD
v/a - Wiggles and Giggles Kindermusik Home CD
Camper Van Beethoven - Our Beloved Revolutionary Sweetheart
v/a - Not So Quiet on the Western Front
v/a - Let Them Eat Jellybeans
The F.U.'s - Kill for Christ
The Feederz - Jesus E.P.
John Trubee - A Blind Man's Penis 7" single
Sludgeworth - What's This?
Public Enemy - Revolverlution
63 Eyes - self-titled
Mr. Bungle - California
Vince Guaraldi - Oh, Good Grief
Bad Religion - Recipe for Hate

Posted at 3:56 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Speaking of Excello...

March 25, 2005

The wonderful and illustrious Jhames is designing a new template for this here blog thang. I'm hearing things are going to be very different around here when he's done. For some reason, he thinks the index is too cluttered. I have no idea where he gets THAT insane notion, but evidently I'm going to SHIT when I see the new design.

Quite honestly, at this point, I'm up for anything new. And I've always loved Jhames' designs, so I know this will be lovely.

Posted at 9:23 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

A most Excello to-do list.

March 25, 2005

Stuff I do every week

Stuff left over from previous weeks

Stuff I've added for this week

Posted at 9:18 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Excello!

March 25, 2005

The word of the day is "Excello" - which is how Coley described the "dime bag" of sand that he tried to sell to Redneck Mother yesterday.

Well, ok, he didn't use the words "dime bag" but he did try to sell her a bag of sand for "ten." But that's how RM described it to me, so what the heck.

And he did say "Excello." Which pleases me, for some reason.

Earlier in the day, Coley was asked what his job was. He replied "loving everybody" then cheerfully added "Monk's job is hating ME!" and skipped away.

It was a lovely day at the playground with the homeschoolers. The older boys formed a formally informal wrestling tournament with what amounted to something akin to Olympic rules. Can you imagine? A group of 8-10 year old boys and girls having a formal wrestling competition with judges and rules such as "no hitting, kicking, punching, choking, or pinching"???? With no adult intervention whatsoever.

Today looks to be quite lovely, as well. I hope you have a good one.

Posted at 9:07 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Diary of a Mosquito Abatement Man

March 24, 2005

I just got my copy of Diary of a Mosquito Abatement Man, written by my dear old friend, John P. The picture above is not from that book, but it is about the best way I can describe John P's artwork and story telling. It's as refreshing, and as subtle, as a slight breeze through sheer curtains on a spring day. Thanks, John P. I wish there were more people in the world like you.

The book is 12 dollars, and is just beautifully written, illustrated, designed and executed. I put it on my bookshelf right next to the last issue of "I'm Johnny and I don't give a fuck" that I got around to ordering. I can't wait to read it. You should get a copy, too.

Posted at 10:59 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

I wish I could have been there.

March 22, 2005

BBC NEWS | In Pictures | In pictures: Iraq protests

On Friday, I went for a much-deserved walk after dropping the children off for their weekend with their father. After walking for about an hour, I realized I was limping. And not only that...I realized I had been limping all week, but I hadn't had time to, you know, wonder why.

When I got home, I wondered why. I took off my shoe and examined my foot, and discovered I had a huge, infected wound on my heal.

Pretty gross, eh? It hurt TO THE BONE. I was actually a little scared that I might have neglected it too long to actually allow it to heal itself. So I slathered it with a bit of ointment, threw a Care Bear band-aid on it, and put on a tight-fitting sock.

I was still limping on Saturday, and was so very bummed to not be able to make it out to the protests, but it healed up nicely...and I was there in spirit.

And, you know what? I need to take better care of myself.

Posted at 11:44 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

What I can say, is this...

March 22, 2005

I was awoken this morning by a call from my long-lost lawyer, who I have been trying to contact, to no avail, for over a month. I am hoping that he will make good on his promise to meet with me no later than next Tuesday, but I am not counting on it entirely. Because I can't. Because I don't want to wait any longer than I absolutely have to. And I already have.

I haven't received a dime of child support since we set up the account about a year ago. I am being told by the person who owes it to me that I do not "need" it, and therefore do not deserve it.

Need is a relative thing. No, I guess I do NOT need it. I have made it (struggled through) this year without it. However, I am behind on my mortgage and haven't paid any of my credit card debt. I don't "need" it because I have arranged my life in such a way that I can live in relative discomfort without it affecting the children to a great extent. I do not NEED it, because I have forced myself to not rely on it...because I am dealing with someone who is unreliable.

If it seems like I do not NEED it, it is only because I am resourceful, smart, and capable. These are qualities that an abuser despises. The abuser seeks to break the abused down by using whatever means are at his disposal, even if those means damage the people he claims to place above all else.

I find myself having to consciously redefine things. I wrote something about this in my livejournal, and someone offhandedly said "I'm glad he will be paying you the money he owes you."

I had to pause at that. The money he OWES ME. Not the money that he is obligated to pay, but the money I have ALREADY paid in the care and feeding of his children, who he claims to love and care for. Money that is OWED TO ME because I have already spent it. Money that he evidently somehow feels like he should not only not OWE me, but not be obligated to pay.

Amazingly enough, I had always thought of this money as something extra, rather than a loan that I have been actively and continuously providing for him. But it's so true.

I guess on the bright side, his unwillingness to do his part as a parent has caused me to work overtime to ensure that I DON'T need him. I don't need him to take care of his children in any way, if it comes down to that. He interprets that as me wishing him out of the picture entirely. I consider it covering all of my bases. If he chooses to be a parent to the children in some capacity, he is welcome to. However, his behavior has caused me to arrange my life in such a way that if he were to absent himself, we will be OK.

And we will be OK.

Posted at 10:26 AM • Comments (11) • TrackBack

Self-Consciousness is a form of narcissism.

March 22, 2005

This occurred to me at one point this weekend when I was talking myself out of angsting about what someone might possibly be think of me, or the lengths someone might go to to make me feel bad. Because, to be self-conscious, at least to the extent that I sometimes find myself getting (although I've become very good at recognizing and quashing that self-consciousness) you have to assume that other people care about you enough to...notice. Particularly when it comes to assuming that people are motivated by disdain for you. Or maybe I'm the only person on earth that sometimes finds myself believing people are motivated by disdain for me.

Of course, I'm not including the person in my life who actually DOES seem to be motivated by disdain for me in this equation. That person can fuck off for all I care. But everyone else? Nah. It's unhealthy for me to think these things. So I tell myself that self-consciousness is a form of narcissism, and I quiet my mind about it, and allow myself to truly believe that just because someone isn't paying attention to me in the way that I would want them to, it doesn't mean they don't like me...it just means I might not be at the forefront of their consciousness at that moment.

I'm not sure why this occurred to me, but I did think that perhaps one of the reasons I have not been blogging lately is that I am feeling self-conscious. Not because of anything anyone has said or done, but because sometimes I am overtaken by self-consciousness.

But the strange thing is, it's not just self-consciousness...it's self-censorship. There have been many moments over the past week where I have found myself desiring to declare "My real name is L----- D---, and this is my blog. To shed my long expired pseudonym and to really dish about my life right now. I'm self-conscious of that for different reasons, mostly having to do with a pending divorce...and not wanting to risk ANYTHING in that regard.

This is frustrating for me. I have spent the past...gosh, TWENTY years of my life writing down my life to share with other people. And suddenly I find that I am feeling forced to use discretion. And I'm using discretion about things that I own and that are not illegal or improper in any way.

It explains why I'm feeling so trapped lately. Why, when I recently went to see the movie Hostage with workmates, I identified so readily with the hostages AND the captors. I'm imprisoned inside my head. Like that Flux lyric I have scribbled on endless notebooks and journals:

"Nature knows no divisions,
One field runs into the next.
Having erected fences,
I'm imprisoned inside my head."

So I sit in my prison. Waiting for closure.

But, oh boy, once that closure comes...I have so many stories to tell you.

Posted at 8:37 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

To-Do List: Version Spring Fairy

March 18, 2005

Stuff I do every week

Stuff left over from previous weeks

Stuff I've added for this week

Posted at 8:52 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Howdy

March 17, 2005

I've wanted to write something for several days now, but I am just inundated with bullshit here. So, what I am attempting to do instead is to just focus my energy outward onto my children and putting aside the inwardly-focused examining for a bit. I don't even want to say things will be resolved soon, because they haven't been in years, and I'm starting to lose hope.

But not completely, just temporarily. Temporarily losing hope.

There is someone in my life. Someone who might even be reading this. Someone who is attempting to terrorize me. The funny thing is that every accusation that is hurled at me proves to be true of this person. It's so predictable that it's stunning. Even after all of this time. And I'm not wasting any energy on this person other than acknowledging the reality that is so different from what I'm being told by this person is the reality. I do not negotiate with terrorists. Not even attempted/failed terrorists. So all negotiations consist of me figuring out what is best for the people for whom I am responsible, and doing that with little regard to the terrorist in our midst.

The kids and I are doing well. We went to the zoo last Friday. A tiny Monkey hurled a pebble at Monk and we laughed and laughed. I love my kids. They are so fun. We are having a lot of fun this week. Yesterday, in the middle of our morning circle time, the children orchestrated and launched a coordinated sneak tickle attack on me. Not only was it a whole lot of fun, but I was actually happy to observe them working together, even though the object of their cooperation was to torment me. I figure they will be have each other long after I'm gone, so any comeraderie I observe in them is wonderful.

In fact, right now Monk is slicking Cole's hair back with water to make him look "cool." All week, Monk has been making Cole's breakfast, since I got him some toaster pastries as a treat at the store last week. I love watching them work together. I love it that they love each other so very much. I love them...so much. Is it obvious? Can you tell?

So, yeah. I suppose it's easy to use that love against me if you try hard enough. But the thing is...I'm sure of my love. And, as sure as I'm aware that I'm not perfect...I'm also sure that I do a damn fine job of conveying that love. I know what I have to do, and I know what my priorities are. And I know what I am willing to sacrifice and what I am most certainly not willing even to bargain, trade, or sell.

Posted at 9:31 AM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

A Very Unfortunate To-Do List

March 11, 2005

Stuff I do every week

Stuff left over from previous weeks

Stuff I've added for this week

Posted at 9:20 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

SXSW?

March 9, 2005

I will not be attending this year at all (it's hard enough to find childcare so I can go to WORK these days, without throwing another variable in there.) HOWEVER, anyone who is attending should e-mail me if they are interested in meeting up. I am hosting a "Very Unfortunate Potluck" at my house on Sunday, to which everyone is expected to bring food items from the Series of Unfortunate Events.

I'd love to see some of my SXSW buddies, even though I can't make it out to the event...so please e-mail or comment here.

Take care!!

Oh, and if you are interested in what kinds of foods are to be expected at a very unfortunate potluck...here's the most unfortunate itemized list:

The list of Unfortunate Food Items:

Book One:
Pasta Putanesca
Oatmeal

Book Two:
Coconut Cream Cake
Carrots
Peaches

book three:
Chilled Cucumber Soup
Gazpacho

book four
Casserole
Gum

book five
Lasagna (I will be making this)
Salad
Bags of candy

book six
Parsley Soda
Aqueous martinis
Salmon

book 7
Enchiladas
Sundaes (is it exactly 22 nuts? Either way we need to make the children make them for us, and they have to be absolutely perfect) Huevos Rancheros

Book 8:
Fruit

Book 9:
Hot Chocolate with Cinnamon
Corn on the Cob
Tom Ka Gai

Book 10
False Spring Rolls
Iced Coffee
Toast Tartar
Orange Granita
Mango, black bean, celery salad with lime juice, olive oil, and pepper dressing (presentation is everything)

Book 11
Birthday Cake
Chowder

Posted at 4:46 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Zombie Brother

March 7, 2005

Coley: You will always be my brother, Monk.
Monk: It's true. Even if I die before you, which will probably happen because I'm older, I'll still be your brother.
Coley: Yep.
Monk: I'll just be your dead brother.
Coley: And then, you will be my zombie brother!

Posted at 8:59 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Netflix

March 6, 2005

OK. I just signed up for Netflix, and now I can't think of a single thing to add to my queue. Actually, I browsed around and added a bazillion things to my queue, but I still want to hear what everyone else has in their netflix queues.

Posted at 7:58 PM • Comments (8) • TrackBack

Spring Mix 2005

March 6, 2005

Hey Everyone...this is my spring mix. If you want to hit me up for a copy, just e-mail me. Paypal accepted for postage if you can, but I'm always REALLY slow getting these out and I can't promise I'll be any faster if you paypal me.

Spearhead - Listener Supported
KRS-One - I'm Still #1
Operation Ivy - Plea For Peace
Bikini Kill - Reject All American
Fugazi - Shut the Door
Knitters - The New World
Handsome Family - Amelia Earhart vs. The Dancing Bear
The Jags - Back of my Hand
Spearhead - Sometimes
T. Rex - Century Boy
Buzzcocks - Orgasm Addict
English Beat - Big Shot
De La Soul - Eye Know
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Here Comes the Sun
Handsome Family - Puddin' Fingers
Johnny Cash and Bob Dylan - That's Alright, Mama
English Beat - Sorry
Peter Tosh & Bob Marley - Soul Shakedown
The Police (or is it just Sting?) - King of Pain
English Beat - Can't Get Used to Losing You
Fiona Apple - Get Gone
Violent Femmes - Promise
X-Ray Spex - I can't Do Anything

Posted at 6:13 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

This blog is becoming a strictly to-do list blog.

March 4, 2005

(not really, but I'm just not feeling like sharing lately. Maybe when one or two of the five hundred gazillion unresolved issues in my life finally get resolved, I will feel like writing again. Until then, it feels like I'm spewing the same drivel over and over and over again.)

On to the list!

Stuff I do every week

Stuff left over from previous weeks

Stuff I've added for this week

Posted at 12:15 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack