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I am ready to begin writing now.

June 4, 2005

That is what my brain just said to me. I may have even said it out loud. I don't know. There are (currently) no witnesses.

Yesterday was mediation. I won't go into detail about the actual event, but I will tell you my current state of mind. I spent the rest of the day in mourning, which made it difficult to relate to my children (we played a game to distract me/them from me/them) and made it challenging to celebrate J's birthday with him (we drove out to Leander to see a play called "They Came From Mars and Landed Outside the Farndale Church Hall In Time for the Townswomen's Guild Coffee Morning" and then we went to a newly-open Waffle house where I ate a waffle and had some coffee and marveled at the incredible human flowchart that is the staff at Waffle House) but I think I did OK. When J and I came home, he pretty much marched me right to bed. I had a difficult time staying awake during the play (I'm finding that I need to do more active things when I'm out these days, because the moment I sit down to watch a movie or play or anything like that, I get instantly sleepy) as I had been up since early in the morning and it had been an immensely draining day.

My intention was to not discuss the day with J, but he encouraged me to get it out, so I did. It helped. I think I was really confused about the descending depression that hit me when I left the building yesterday. I'm happy with the agreement we came to, and while the item that is still in contention is troubling to me on some levels, I am confident that it can be resolved.

It wasn't until J really prodded me to talk that I was able to dig up the root of the depression. It was hope. Damn that fucking HOPE! I think whenever I have any sort of contact with L I have a tremendous amount of hope that somehow I can make him see what he is clearly missing. There are a couple of issues that I feel he is way off base on, and no amount of discussion with him seems to clear those issues up. Quite honestly, I don't feel like he's being very rational in those regards, and I'm not sure why he feels like he needs to cling to the negativity and ill-will. I feel like the people he is trying to protect are very well-cared for and have an ideal situation, and no amount of my heartfelt convincing seems to even cause him to feel that they are SAFE, much less as well-off as I feel that they are.

So, it's frustrating for me, and I lose hope. And I say to myself "Why do I even fucking try." But sure enough, the next time I get an opportunity, I try again. What the fuck is it with that? Why don't I just freaking give up on it entirely. It's certainly has not proven to be a productive exercise for me, and the repercussions are felt in my relationship with my children and my friends and loved ones.

And, it's funny, because I was having this somewhat existential crisis over this from the minute I woke up this morning. And I checked my referral logs today (sort of like checking my horoscope, I guess) and I found this old entry, which I think helped me to align that hope and frustration with who I am, and why maybe it's good for me to retain that hope, in spite of that frustration. And to understand that, at my core, I am a decent person who chooses to believe that people aren't inherently bad, in spite of the layers of bad we clothe ourselves in, or the layers of bullshit that are heaped upon us. That I know L to be a good person underneath those layers, and that it's no more productive for me to give up on the hope of one day being able to communicate with him as it is to HOPE that I will one day be able to communicate with him. That, rather, I need to just be. And breathe. And communicate in whatever way I can. And, while it's not necessarily a hope I want to hang my hat on, all hope should be nurtured. For it is hope that drives me to understand that goodness beneath all of the bullshit.

My proactive solution, then, was to write an e-mail in hopes of quelling some of the fears I heard from L, as well as to help me see for myself on paper that I am working hard and doing good work. I think yesterday, I was mourning. It's funny that in this 5 year process of divorce, I keep discovering these little pockets of mourning that need to occur. I think yesterday, I was mourning a loss of hope (which I will continue to mourn and rekindle, mourn and rekindle until my hopes are realized) and I need to prepare myself for this pattern of mourning and processing that I will experience throughout. And I need to differentiate between hopelessness as it relates to things that are within my control and hopelessness as it relates to things outside of my control. I need to make the necessary changes to eliminate the former, and I need to expand, allow for and expel the latter.

Posted at June 4, 2005 10:46 AM

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