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« June 2005 | Main | August 2005 »
Little things that bring joy.
July 31, 2005
Just cause it's 11:15 PM and I am making soup, and Pansy and I spent the better part of the evening talking about being grateful. A short list, in no particular order:
- At this moment, right now, if I wanted to...I could go run to the store and pick up a forgotten ingredient or a soda pop, because there are NO CHILDREN IN THE HOUSE.
- The new neighbors have moved in to the rental house across the street, and they are cute punk rock boys and girls.
- My haircut makes me happy.
- Pansy and I painted the ceiling in the back room and had a fuck of a lot of fun doing it.
- I had a great weekend practically all to myself, and I enjoyed almost every minute of it completely and tomorrow morning my kids will be back and we get to start the whole week all over again.
- I am facilitating a meeting tomorrow to introduce all of the people I work with to the person who is going to manage our web redesign project, and I am actually really psyched about working with the company we chose.
- Work, in general lately, has been really exciting and rewarding.
- Making East African Sweet Pea Soup while listening to Camper Van Beethoven at 11 PM is actually a really great way to round out my weekend.*
I hope you had an excellent weekend...
*I should add that EATING east African Sweet Pea Soup while listening to Sly and the Family Stone will be an excellent way to ring in the new day.
Maude, I am such a fucking nerd. Hahahaha.
Relationship Rambling
July 31, 2005
Lately, I have to force myself to stay asleep on days that I don't have anything pressing going on. There's some sort of inertia that grips me at 7 AM that wants to pull me out of bed and get me started, even when I know I have an entire day leisurely yawning before me and more sleep would probably be A Good Thing. Today, I managed to stave off waking until 8:30 or so. Now I'm Awake. I'm blasting music, and it feels good.
I tried last night, between cleaning closets and the boys' room, to write an essay about monogamy, relationships, love and stuff...because that's what's been on my mind lately, what with there being no conceivable way that the divorce will be postponed AGAIN & the big day being Next Friday. I read through some posts that I wrote on this topic* shortly before and shortly after L and I broke up, and, just for grins, I read over some posts about abusive relationships* that I wrote while reading an amazing book** that someone sent me anonymously really helped me through a lot of the hard stuff. And I had this article in mind, because I know I have a lot to say about so-called "emotional fidelity" and how the article seemed like a bullshit way to keep women in line while "boys are being boys" and not taking responsibility for the emotional upkeep in the relationship. And I wanted to write about that stuff, but I kept hitting a wall. Mostly because I'm reaching a point in my current relationship where a lot of this stuff is rearing its ugly head in a very different way than it did in my relationship with L, but in a noticable way nonetheless. I still haven't, however, sorted through exactly what of the current shit is mine to own, and what is J's...so I don't feel like I'm ready to deconstruct the current relationship in those terms exactly. Not to mention that I am still (wholeheartedly) In my current relationship, as there is much in this relationship to celebrate, in addition to the minor and major tweaking that needs to be done to either make it mutually healthier or, you know, mutually over.
I'm rambling. Bear with me. I just poured my first cup of coffee of the day and you are getting The Raw Deal (if not A Raw Deal.)
So, rather than focus on the Current Relationship in that context, I have something Else on my mind that I think is illustrated by this inertia I seem to have to get up and at the world way earlier than I might even feel like I want to. That is, I really fucking Love Life. I do. And what I am having a difficult time understanding is why I seem to attract people who do not love life. I'm like a freaking bug lamp for depressed people. And I don't get that. It's actually mostly in my romantic relationships that I seem to have this dynamic and, yeah, I know the psychology of that. I'm not dumb. I know my dad was depressive and he disappeared and evidently I'm trying to recreate that relationship and getting some sort of validation out of re-enacting it time and time again, but you'd think I would be put in a position every once in awhile to actually REJECT people who love life for the role of romantic partner...but I don't think I have. Or maybe I am just so good at avoiding those people that they don't even get close enough to attempt to get involved with me.
I have to clarify, I really Love Life AND I'm prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and supreme whining. So it's not like I run around flinging fucking daisies in my wake whereever I go, and I certainly don't expect that kind of behavior from a romantic partner or friend, either. Sometimes it seems like the more I love life, the more pissed off I get about the extremes people go to to destroy life. So I get that anger and cynicism is often Part of the Package of loving life. Perhaps it's that the people I get involved with lose sight of that? Perhaps it's a shift of focus, of definition? Maybe depressive people really do love life, but they don't get that their depression is a rebellion against external forces that are trying to fuck with that beauty?
I dunno. All I know is that I keep finding myself in relationships where I feel chained (however prettily) by my partner's limitations. Like, I'm looking outside the window, thinking HOLY FUCKING SHIT, it's never-ending beauty, and they are looking out the same window and thinking It's not beauty, it's wholly fucking shit***.
I don't seem to have these problems in my friendships. And perhaps that's because it's easier for me to drop friends who aren't compatible with me...or that I'm more free to choose the context in which I relate to my friends, whereas a romantic partner is more of an all-contexts all the time kind of thing.
What I do know is that I now know enough about myself to be dangerous. I know that I have a center of love for life, and that I'm not really willing to compromise that to a great extent. I know that anyone who wants to have a central role in my life must at least have a CRUSH on life. I know that I CAN'T GIVE THAT LOVE TO PEOPLE - I am not the conduit to life...I'm just another one of its expressions.
But I also have to wonder...is it really so rare to love life? Am I just assuming too much of people? Is there a way for me to coexist with someone who is so chained without myself feeling trapped and grounded? Or does my tendency towards chronic bliss necessitate that I Just Not Get Romantically Involved With Anyone, or perhaps inform my reservations about monogamy (i.e. in this context, chaining myself to one depressed person.)
I don't know the answers to these questions, but I would really like to hear what other people think, and this processing is where comments were always helpful to me (as well as, I like to think, random stray people passing by)...so if you have anything enlightening to say on this subject please feel free to email me. I haven't been very good about putting the emails I have been getting on the blog, but if you tell me specifically that you want your comment posted, I will attempt to do that in a timely manner. Or, if you want to keep it private, also let me know.
*There are many links on this site that do not work properly, so I am having to link entire categories. Scroll down for the pertinent posts.
**If that person is out there reading this blog, I want to hug you forever.
***This actually reminds me of a Nick Cave song that always made me just want to slap him and hug him at the same time, because while it's entirely frustrating to listen to, it also somewhat describes the situations I tend to find myself in. And, while I don't necessarily relate to the "she" in the song, I get a sense that the "he" in the song is somewhat sadistically using his cynicism as a means of torture:
As I sat sadly by her side
At the window, through the glass
She stroked a kitten in her lap
And we watched the world as it fell past
Softly she spoke these words to me
And with brand new eyes, open wide
We pressed our faces to the glass
As I sat sadly by her side
She said, "Father, mother, sister, brother,
Uncle, aunt, nephew, niece,
Soldier, sailor, physician, labourer,
Actor, scientist, mechanic, priest
Earth and moon and sun and stars
Planets and comets with tails blazing
All are there forever falling
Falling lovely and amazing"
Then she smiled and turned to me
And waited for me to reply
Her hair was falling down her shoulders
As I sat sadly by her side
As I sat sadly by her side
The kitten she did gently pass
Over to me and again we pressed
Our different faces to the glass
"That may be very well", I said
"But watch the one falling in the street
See him gesture to his neighbours
See him trampled beneath their feet
All outward motion connects to nothing
For each is concerned with their immediate need
Witness the man reaching up from the gutter
See the other one stumbling on who can not see"
With trembling hand I turned toward her
And pushed the hair out of her eyes
The kitten jumped back to her lap
As I sat sadly by her side
Then she drew the curtains down
And said, "When will you ever learn
That what happens there beyond the glass
Is simply none of your concern?
God has given you but one heart
You are not a home for the hearts of your brothers
And God does not care for your benevolence
Anymore than he cares for the lack of it in others
Nor does he care for you to sit
At windows in judgement of the world He created
While sorrows pile up around you
Ugly, useless and over-inflated"
At which she turned her head away
Great tears leaping from her eyes
I could not wipe the smile from my face
As I sat sadly by her side
HAIRCUT
July 30, 2005
Short?
Check
Sassy?
Check
Cute?
(you decide)
Click to make them dartboard size!
Good Angles, Nice Accessories
Do We Like It?
Yes, We Do!
Note: Yes, that is me wearing lipstick. Haircuts make me feel all girly.
How Ironic
July 30, 2005
It's ironic that this article popped up on my MSN splash page, because I was/am cooking up a post later about monogamy, intimacy, and other fun stuff. I'm putting it here as a placeholder and a reminder.
Right now, though, I need to go get a long-awaited haircut. I'm playing hairdresser roullette, and I'm hoping whoever I get can satisfy my request for something short, cute, and sassy.
Wish me luck!
Music Meme responses
July 30, 2005
Zwichenzug and Matt have both responded to the music meme, and their responses have made me think a bit about how I'm wired...which pretty much goes along with the thinking I've been doing that will no doubt spawn numerous posts this weekend.
At any rate, Zwichenzug has divided the music-listening world into two neat little categories: Those Who Listen To Lyrics, and Those Who Do Not Listen To Lyrics. I mentioned in his comments that I am perplexed by Those Who Do Not & some elucidations were offered, but I am no less perplexed. (See my post later about wanting to be inside someone else's head for 5 seconds so I can experience what it is they are trying to explain to me) Not that there's anything WRONG with Those Who Do Not, either. After Zwichenzug made that comment, I looked back at my answers to the meme, and realized that I mentioned the lyrics of almost every single song that meant anything to me, and I guess I wonder if that concept is as foreign to Those Who Do Not as their music listening propensities are to me.
At any rate...
Matt's response about the "music that changed your life" question threw me, as well. He said
There are a good number of songs which mean a lot to me, and some which actually move me to the point of giving me goosebumps, but none that have really 'changed my life.' This may be because I typically won't be able to relate to a song until I'm already at the mental/emotional point of view that it's expressing. Make sense?
And, yes, it does make sense. Totally. But my experience of music is that I frequently run across concepts in the lyrics (there I go with the lyrics again!) that cause me to want to do more research and learn what on earth they are talking about. I mean, even when I know A LITTLE about what the musicians are discussing, I still get inspired to learn more when people are singing in earnest about it. Maybe it has more to do with the type of (propaganda) music I tend to listen to. But, I mean, from Howard Jones inspiring me to learn more about Buddhism when I was in 8th grade to Smart Went Crazy setting me off on a Bayard Rustin Reading Spree a couple of months ago...it seems like I'm always being expanded by the music I listen to.
So, cool. I'm glad I got such interesting responses from people who have such a totally different experience of music from me.
Weekend Visitation.
July 30, 2005
As mentioned in the post below, I had a not-so-fun adventure with the kids yesterday at the dentist's office. And it's really too bad, too, because the dentist seemed like a really nice person. She and her assistant were awesome with the kiddos, but Coley was just not having ANY of it.
Actually, Coley stopped having any of it early in the day. It was a day of "no" and utter obstinance from him. Fridays, I think, are difficult in general because they have to wake up a lot earlier than usual...but Coley was just on my last nerve, jumping and rolling around and, at certain points, trying to bite right through it ALL. DAY. LONG.
Granted, this behavior was probably fed by my impatience of it in a vicious loop...but by the end of the day, I was fried and they were no less obnoxious. When it got to be about an hour before their papa was scheduled to pick them up, I was all but clawing the walls, trying to escape.
Monk, the little fart, picked up on this. In the midst of doing something obnoxious simply because he knew it would get on my nerves, he totally snapped to the fact that I was LOOKING FORWARD to them leaving. He said "You are really going to enjoy this weekend while we are gone, aren't you mom?"
I burst out laughing. "Yes, Monk...as a matter of fact I think I am. Don't get me wrong - I love you guys a whole lot, but mama needs a break from you, and I am looking forward to getting it."
We both laughed about it.
A few minutes later, Monk (the little fart) started up the annoying/obnoxious behavior again (while Cole was lying on the floor naked, defying my 5 millionth demand that he GET. DRESSED. NOW. PAPA. WILL. BE. HERE. SOON. (please.)) I poked him in the side "Quit that, Monk!"
"Mom," he said, "I'm only doing this because I don't want you to miss us while you are gone."
"Oh, I'll still miss you," I replied. "I just would rather enjoy your company while you are here, as well."
Fuck if it isn't 8:46 Saturday morning, and I already wish they were here with me.
Where's the Dad?
July 30, 2005
I don't mean that in a "How Dare She Be A Single Mama" way. I mean it in a "If there is a male parental figure in or associated with this family, why isn't he being charged with neglect ALSO or INSTEAD OF the mom?" way.
It seems to me, carting 6 children to a medical appointment is more an issue of impossible logistics than necessarily one of bad parenting.
Fuck, I took TWO kids to a dental appointment yesterday, and I was totally shoved over the end of my wits by one of them in the process.
[thanks to snake haired girl for the link]
Goals
July 30, 2005
I've been doing a bunch of reading about goal setting and, you know, the Covey stuff - Circle of Influence, Circle of Concern...yada yada. And along with this, I've been having some discussions with friends of mine about how they discover what they want in life, and how they figure out how to get what they want.
Some people I know...well, one person I know very well and care about a great deal...is struggling with figuring out what he really wants out of life. We had a long discussion the other day, and in that discussion, he admitted that he just doesn't know what he wants or desires out of life. I immediately asked him "How can you not know?" And he replied "How can you know?"
So, I wrote this in response, in a way, and it's obvious that it was heavily influenced by all of this stuff I'm reading, but in a positive way.
***************
How can I know? How are my desires formed & where did I learn to articulate them? How did I figure it out? Is it that I'm just not afraid to express them? Is it because I accept the impermanence of desire and, knowing that change is invitable, I therefore am able to define and express what I want without fearing change? I think partly at least it is because I know myself well & I understand my limits and can separate achievable desire from unobtainable fantasy.
What DO I want? There are many categories & it's a long list.
Here's what I have in my life currently that is consistent with my desires. Things I want to keep:
- An excellent community
- Lots of love
- Opportunities for intellectual enrichment
- Creative outlets
- Time to play
- A nice place to live that is SAFE
- Relative harmony in my immediate family
- Good food & people to share it with
- A good job doing something fulfilling & where I am appreciated for my strengths
- Strong, wise women in abundance
- A few good men
Here's what I could use more of:
- More financial, emotional, and logistical help with raising the kids; either in the form of a romantic partner or a housemate. (I call this #1)
- Closure in the divorce and a better relationship with the children's father (much of this is out of my control, so what I need to do is set myself up so I am satisfied that I do everything within my control to cultivate this.)
- More movement - time to exercise & get involved with ACTIVE activities
- A more aesthetically appealing home
- More travel
Of couse, #1 is the simplest way to achieve many of these things, but until I am able to find someone(s) to fill the shoes of #1, the trick is findnig the time to do it on my own or with the resources I currently possess and the people currently in my life.
So, my immediate (within the next 6 months) goals are to find a way to incorporate more movement into my life - more exercise, and to create a more aesthetically appealing environment in my home. I do, to some degree, have the power to improve my financial situation on my own, but I might have to sacrifice those two goals for that one, in addition to some other important desires that are already being fulfilled (such as a strong community - it is hard enough to maintain close friendships with people with the amount I currently work.) Perhaps the controllable variable in my financial situation is keeping up with the budget and staying on top of my spending and saving.
There are a couple of simple things I can do to achieve some of these goals:
- Maintain the budget
- Call the mortgage company and ask for a deferment of one or two payments
- Get the divorce over with ASAP
- Have a large yard sale and get rid of everything not useful or beautiful.
- Continue to walk every day with the children
- Submit appliation for financial assistance at the Y
- Ask someone to cover childcare for an hour or so after I return home from work so I can take a brisk walk or work out at the gym
- Make it a priority to work out every day teh kids are at their dad's
- Make sure Pansy is cool with the schedule & make sure she is getting enough time to do her stuff and ensure she gets enough time to herself.
- Keep looking for a housemate or partner
- Travel with J. Let him figure his shit out. Be honest and upfront about how his shit effects me. Don't shy away from confrontation, don't avoid discussion and DON'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S SHIT.
- Continue to contribute at work to keep my job stable
- Offer to teach 2-3 freelance classes a month
- Find reliable childcare substitutes
- Be a reliable childcare provider.
- Write Daily
- Live Fully
- Love Completely
- Be Mindful.
"Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it" -Maya Angelou
I'm the last person on earth to get hipped to Spamusement, I know.
July 30, 2005
Spamusement! Poorly-drawn cartoons inspired by actual spam subject lines!
But I'm hip now, and I love this one:
(Click to make it bigger)
The spam subject reads "How To Live Without Fear In America"
That Clinches it...
July 29, 2005
Due to a recent foray into The homeschooling filter on The Truth Laid Bear, I am officially going to work towards reviving the radical homeschool blog.
Clearly the topic of home education needs a little more balance in the blog world.
I just need to fix a thing'er'two over there, and encourage everyone to start posting again. If you would like an account, email me and let me know.
Mail Call
July 29, 2005
I just got a letter from my friend Raymond, because I'm hoping to visit him when I am in NM this month. He directed me to some of his artwork online.
Last week, I got the latest King Cat in the mail from John P. I was sad to read that his father has passed away. The issue was touching, and I wish I could hug him.
When we got the letter from Raymond and I told the kids we were going to get to see him in New Mexico, Monk said "I wish John P lived in New Mexico." Monk really likes John P & King Cat. It's cool that my friends can be heroes for my kids. Coley is drawing pictures for John right now in hopes of lifting his spirits a bit. I am certain he will appreciate them.
If you haven't read King Cat yet, I highly recommend it. John is so talented, and has such a gentle voice. I really do hope Monk gets to meet him some day.
Friday Random Ten - Version My Phone Works, Now Call me, Damnit.
July 29, 2005
Load all your mp3s into your player of choice, hit random and list the first ten to play. If you’re feeling sinister, exercise the coolness audit. Now, my pretties, leave yours in the comments or on your own site.
The list:
- Sex Pistols - God Save the Queen
- The English Beat - Hands Off...She's Mine
- William S. Burroughs - The Last Words of Dutch Schultz (This is Insane)
- Sneaker Pimps - Roll On
- Abba - Eagle
- Modern English - I Melt With You
- Air - Highschool Lover (Theme from "The Virgin Suicides")
- Billie Holiday - I Cover the Waterfront
- Afghan Wigs - Lost in the Supermarket (clash cover)
- Jawbreaker - Want (lyrics below the fold)
(if someone wants to "coolness audit" that for me, let me know. I have no idea what's cool and what's not, because I'm just a big old nerd.)
The Lyrics:
Want (or, one of the two best punk rock love songs, the other being "Chesterfield King," also by Jawbreaker)
by Jawbreaker
been staring for a hundred hours
run down a spiral drain
keep mouth clamped tight, and it isn't right
three words keep running round my mind
but my tongue is hard to find
i need to let it go, because i know
dark secrets burn their vessel
tearing out to grab a mouthful
chunk of heart destroyed by quiet
yell it out before it kills you now
let it all out
i want you...
used to let rumors do my work
they got around real well
now they only hurt, it's a liar's quirk
this time i gotta say it straight
i mean to do some good
i'm calling out your name, while the chance remains
i want you...
so now you know where i come from
my secret's come undone
my heart revealed my cause
i'm lying naked at your feet
don't crush the heart that bleeds
take me at my word, it may sound absurd but
i want you...
My Take on the Dove "Real Beauty" campaign
July 29, 2005
As far as I'm concerned, there's nothing at all revolutionary about this stupid advertising campaign*.
All they are fucking doing is pretending like they are telling me my fat body is attractive, while reaching around, grabbing my fat ass, and saying "But, you know, you really need to use our FIRMING CREAM."
Dude. The whole POINT of accepting my fat body is accepting that it's NOT FUCKING FIRM.
It's funny. Cecily's post about the OK Soda campaign sort of triggered this. OK Soda's shtick was advertising something mediocre to the "irony" set. Dove is now advertising body hatred to the "empowerment" set.
Nice try. I'm not buying it.
*I just re-read this, and thought to myself "Why the fuck would anyone expect an ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN to be revolutionary, anyway?"
Today's vocabulary lesson brought to you by Rad Geek
July 29, 2005
Now, if you will excuse me, I need to sift through my archives and make sure I have applied the term consistently in my arguments.
Did you feel that? That LOUD exhale?
July 28, 2005
That was just me, breathing. Because, you know...payday.
It has been a rough month, financially speaking. But it is over. And the bank let it end on a high note by reversing an overdraft fee because I (stupidly) forgot to deposit my cell phone reimbursement on time.
So, yeah. I can breathe now. A little.
Homeschooling for the revolution
July 28, 2005
The author of this article about homeschoolers and their motivations somewhat misses the point:
Though the number of homeschoolers in our country is growing at a noteworthy pace, I believe it is a mistake to refer to homeschooling as a “revolution” or “movement.” A movement implies that the group is collectively organized for the purpose of pursuing a commonly-held agenda. Many non-homeschoolers who seek to understand homeschooling choose to describe homeschooling in this language.
A number of us are homeschooling for some of the reasons listed in the article AND, additionally, because we feel that the homeschooling lifestyle allows us to better prepare our kids to BE revolutionaries.
Lyrics from my soundtrack
July 28, 2005
One last post before I pry my ass from the chair and force these unruly children (who are at this moment listening to a Lemony Snicket book on tape and crowing over the French word for shit) to come on a walk with me.
I'm just gonna close my eyes for a second
Beauty Pill
Into the abyss high beams on
After the severance pay is gone
Where do you plan to hide?
I was the seeing eye dog
That left your side
I'm just gonna close my eyes for a second
I'm just gonna close my eyes
Entreaties, invective, forget it
God loves a graceful exit
I say "risk" and you say "caused"
You choose "trapped" and I guess I choose
I choose lost
I'm just gonna close my eyes for a second
I'm just gonna close my eyes.
HA!
July 28, 2005
Cincinnati CityBeat : 07/27/2005 : Estrangement in a Strange Land
The Museum of Inferior People: Today, many white heterosexual Christians in America are confused. They know they're better than everyone else, but by exactly how much? The Museum of Inferior People seeks to put an end to this uncertainty with a wealth of sacred documents, powerful exhibits and blinding graphics. Here you'll learn exactly where every religion, race, nationality and worldview rates behind yours -- individually or in complex combination. Is a gay Hindu living in the U.S on a green card more or less inferior to you than a liberal black Muslim who's a citizen of France? Can a lesbian Asian claim moral superiority over a bisexual gypsy atheist? Now you'll know!
[link via rox]
Gender and Our Kids.
July 28, 2005
If you aren't reading Rober Arjet's blog every day like I told you to do, you are missing out on some great posts.
The latest series is about heterosexual privilege, and a "cross-dressing" 7 year old:
Bark/Bite: Hetero Privilege
Bark/Bite: Clothing Transgressions
Excellent points are raised by Robert and Redneck Mama. I'm interested in hearing different ways in which these types of situations are parented through.
I tend to be fairly straightforward with my kids about such things. I would like to think that I wouldn't balk at letting one of my kids take a trip to the grocery store with me wearing a dress, but considering I feel like a bad mommy when my 4 year old insists on wearing his shirt inside out and backwards, I guess I can't really say for sure.
Right. Fucking. On.
July 28, 2005
Pinko Feminist Hellcat: Stop telling us what we don't want to hear, you America-hating commie!
We're not doing that because it was never about national security. Bush and his cronies have left a trail of slander and fear-mongering a mile wide and deep. Between Dick "Chicken Little" Cheney's dire prediction that a Kerry victory would get us attacked by terrorists, to the lies that Iraq had WMD and posed an imminent threat, to the right-wing's accusations of anti-Americanism to anyone who didn't pucker up and kiss Bush's feet, to Rove's catty hissy fit over the weakness of Democrats in the face of terror, it's obvious that it was never about freedom. It was never about security.
Not to mention, I mean...isn't the outing of a CIA agent by a government official a sort of implied threat to other agents? Sort of like "Find the information that supports our cause, or fuck you."
Jury Duty
July 28, 2005
You really have to read Uff's post about her stint as a member of a Kansas Jury.
Thanks for starting my morning off right, woman!
I am so freaking psyched.
July 27, 2005
It looks like the project I mentioned in a previous post is really going to happen. I've been freecycling tiles like a madwoman, and we now have almost enough to tile the entire floor. I just created a new blog at fullbleed dot net to house our musings and progress reports, and my partner and I are going to have a painting party this weekend and plan the project.
We are looking for someone who might be interested in handling the technical aspects of the project, like creating and maintaining the site templates and whatnot. If pressed, we will, erm, do it ourselves...but it would be nice to hand that part of things over to someone else.
Also, any donations for our initial painting project will be graciously accepted. I'd like to rent a paint sprayer just for the experience, but I hesitate to spend the 80 bux unless I have some way to defray that. We also could use some financial help with domain name registration and, possibly, to pay someone to do the templates for the site. Also, if anyone wants to do a logo design for us for t-shirts, mugs, and, oh, maybe HAMMERS or something zany, please let me know.
E-mail me or paypal me if you think you can help.
Blah. Sick Day Chat anyone?
July 27, 2005
I'm lgbdozer on Aim, or you can go to the fullbleed chatroom here:
Seriously. I am too blah-sick to do anything around here but sit and stare at the screen...and believe it or not I do not feel like playing The Sims. Please rescue me from feeling obligated to do housework.
While I'm Home Sick From Work, I might as well catch up on my memes.
July 27, 2005
ex-lion tamer: ten i'm actually listening to...Like I said, though, it's pretty much a steady dose of Decemberists, Smart Went Crazy, and Beauty Pill around here. But I will give this a try off the top of my head:
- Decemberists - Legionaire's Song (I think that's what it's called
- Public Enemy - Son of a Bush
- The Strike - You can forget it
- Jawbreaker - Want
- Nickel Creek - The Lighthouse
- Shonen Knife - Konnichiwa
- The Clash - Magnificent Seven
- Fugazi - bulldog Front
- Jets To Brazil - Little Light
- Decemberists - July! July! (My children have informed me that we will not be allowed to listen to this song when July is over with.)
Fuck MATH. Parenting is hard.
July 27, 2005
There are some issues with the 8/9 year old set here in our little community that are cropping up and causing us to have to do some really serious talking and communicating in order to mediate appropriately. The issues are fairly standard, and revolve around bullying with words and with physical aggression. The trick is to not validate either behavior while also empathizing with the situations that tend to lead up to one or the other. If that makes any sense.
Pansy says it's almost like we have our own little jock/nerd microcosm on our hands. What's cool is we are able to examine this in the petri dish that is our small community, and we might even be able to guide our little "jock" and our little "nerd" towards a cure. If we are consistent, persistent, and caring towards both/all of them.
It's challenging, and it's valuable, but DAMN it's hard work. It's funny how parts of me leap up to defend the behavior of the non-biological children in my care at certain intervals, and at other intervals to defend the behavior of my biological children. It's testing all of my faculties of fully listening before responding (which I am NOTORIOUSLY bad at doing) and I feel like I'm making tremendous progress.
One of the main issues is the signal to noise ratio. There's a lot of "Well, he does [insert behavior that tends to instigate aggression.]" and then, on the other side there's "and he does [insert behavior that tends to instigate verbal pestering.]" and it's a total chicken and egg situation that, if we actually tried to sit down and SOLVE would lead us absolutely nowhere. The point is NOT to determine who is at fault. The point is to attempt to throw fault away entirely and learn to define and respect and stand up for one anothers' boundaries. It boils down to teaching the kids how to clearly say NO as well as to clearly HONOR no.
While I do believe that all people are inherent good, I don't believe that the language and behavior that is necessary for positive communication is necessarily innate. There is much we adults, much less our children are learning and still need to learn about effectively communicating with one another without drowning one or the other out. The lesson for this month, I think, is "I" language. It's coming to an adult and asking for help in dealing with a situation. The difference between "tattling" and consulting is the word "I." Rather than "he did this" and "she did that" it's "I'm having a difficult time in this situation, and I need some help figuring out how to handle myself."
Fuck. What I'm saying here, in an ironic twist of corporate-speak, is "Everything I know about child-rearing, I learned from business fucking communications classes."
My first question to Pansy today when I called her to see if we could work this stuff out was "Is this worth it to you?"
My heart soared when she said, basically, "Hell yeah."
My kids could not have better grown-ups and youngsters in their lives to challenge them and to learn with them. They are loved, they are safe, and they are held accountable. I'm so thankful that I can talk to Pansy without either of us feeling the need to defend or fearing offending one another with our measured, considerate honesty.
We need to write a fucking book. But right now...I'm just tired. I have a headache from having to think too much, and I'm going to make my kids some lunch...then lay down and take a nap.
Anti-Capitalist Thought For The Day.
July 27, 2005
One of the biggest issues these anti-immigrant groups have with migrant workers is the effect they have on wages. The laborer is guilty of no crime other than wishing to work for a living, possibly to support a family and survive, and an employer is exploiting him or her. This employer is operating in a system by which profit is made and success is measured in how little you can pay your workers. If the corporations don’t have undocumented workers to exploit, they will find somebody else to screw out of a buck, or send the work overseas.These groups also level the accusation that by using our hospitals and clinics migrants drive up the cost of health care for everyone else. Again, the idea of motivating a medical system with the ultimate goal of profit over people, is a flawed one. The migrants are committing no infraction more condemnable than attempting to make their life better and the big pharma and medical companies are the ones exploiting people and making huge wads of cash doing it.
source
answering my own meme
July 27, 2005
Number of records/tapes/cds I own: I guess around 250 CDs, 300 lps, and numerous cassettes that I refuse to get rid of even though I rarely listen to them. I also have a bunch of 7"s. I really need to get my turntable to work properly.
First record/tape/cd I bought
: It was either The Clash's self-titled debut (on cassette) or it was Howard Jones' Human's Lib.
Last record/tape/cd I bought: I picked up a copy of Spearhead's Chocolate Supa Highway at Half Price Books about a month ago. Earlier this month, in a fit of panic about the lack of Gil Scott Heron in my record collectionI ordered (but then subsequently canceled the order) a bunch of his stuff, as well as The Last Poets. That's definitely next on my list.
Last record/tape/cd I listened to
: The Decemberists Castaways and Cutouts just REFUSES to leave any of my music listening devices. I try to break the habit, but the minute we enter the car, the children (whether they are biologically mine or not) are shouting "July! July!" please. Every once in awhile I temper it with some Smart Went Crazy, Fugazi, Jawbreaker, Mission of Burma, Beauty Pill, and Minutement...which are also on that MP3 disk in the car.
Recordings or songs that mean a lot to me (and/or changed my life): I'm going to list a few on the "changed my life" theme in no particular order.
- The Clash - London Calling: While babysitting, the baby was asleep, and I found this record with its bright red warning label. I copied down ALL of the lyrics (by hand) in my notebook. The rest is history, because punk rock saved my life.
- Howard Jones - Human's Lib: Hooked by "New Song" I bought this album with my babysitting money, and spent the better part of my 8th grade year analyzing the Buddhist-influenced lyrics with my mom.
- Chumbawamba - Pictures of Starving Children Sell Records: I remember where I was when I first heard this record, and a yearning to listen to it again is what caused me to start this meme. I had listened to political punk before hearing this, but this was by far the most radical record I had heard (and understood the lyrics to (see below) yet.)
- Flux of Pink Indians - The Fucking Pricks Treat us Like Cunts: I first heard this on "Fast And Loud," which was (is?) the hardcore show on Northwestern University's college radio station. It's basically a bunch of noise with yelling, but what I discovered later is that they are yelling all sorts of revolutionary shit. I was excited by the noise and the earnestness with which things that I did not fully understand were being shouted at me. I remember being a Sophomore at a school dance, and being asked to dance by the senior cutey boy that everyone loved. I thought I was the shit because I said something about hearing Flux of Pink Indians on Fast and Loud, and cutey boy pulled away and said, admiringly, "You listen to fast and loud?"
- Cat Stevens - His songs from Harold and Maude, in particular: One night, around the time I was getting ready to move out of my mom's house, a bunch of my friends and I were playing on the playscape at a park in the suburbs of Chicago, and we all spontaneously started singing "Father and Son" by Cat Stevens. It was definitely a movie moment.
- Rites of Spring - self-titled LP: I had this record for months before I was able to listen to it, and had practically memorized the lyrics before I ever put a needle to the vinyl (my phonograph was broken). Those boys can sing, but they can also EMOTE.
- Nick Cave - "In The Ghetto": Hearing this song on college radio on a rainy morning while I was waiting for my ride to pick me up spawned a love affair with Nick Cave that continues to this day. I actually once wrote and never sent a fan letter to Nick Cave. Perhaps if I ever blog drunk I will share it with you. I doubt it, though.
- Spearhead - Everyone Deserves Music and Stay Human: I bought these after seeing them LIVE at the Austin City Limits festival, which was my first not-really-a-date-but-precursor-to-dating with John. They rocked, they turned me around at a time when I really needed to be turned around. The Beatnig's LP should be on this list, too...but I don't want to get totally out of control here.
If I had to choose a soundtrack of my life, what 5-10 songs would be on it: With the disclaimer that this list would probably look completely different if I wrote it next week...
- The Ex - Mother
- Dog Faced Hermans - Viva
- Camper Van Beethoven - Flowers
- Camper Van Beethoven - Life is Grand
- Rites of Spring - Patience
- Cat Stevens - If you want to sing out, sing out (I was going to type "hard headed woman," but thought better of it.)
- Bjork - Army of Me
- Modest Mouse - Third Planet
- Beauty Pill - I'm just gonna close my eyes for a second
- Handsome Family - Drunk By Noon (because sometimes I DO "flap my arms like a hummingbird, just to remind myself I'll never fly" although I DON'T "burn my arms with cigarettes, just to pretend I won't scream when I die" and I am almost certainly never actually drunk by noon.) oh, and...DUH!
- The Decemberists - July! July!
Now you go. Or my feelings will be hurt.
Music Meme (ripped off from the book meme)
July 27, 2005
OK, here's the deal. Answer these questions on yr blog and link back to this post so I know you've answered them...or send me your answers via email and I will try to post them (damn, I hate this "not having comments" crap!)
Number of records/tapes/cds I own
First record/tape/cd I bought
Last record/tape/cd I bought
Last record/tape/cd I listened to
Recordings or songs that mean a lot to me (and/or changed my life)
If I had to choose a soundtrack of my life, what 5-10 songs would be on it
I'll post my answers in the morning. I need to get some sleep.
Blog Crushes
July 26, 2005
Is there a word for when you discover a blog, or you finally really "see" a blog you've been casually visiting once in awhile, and you suddenly feel like you MUST READ ALL OF THE ARCHIVED POSTS?
Well, OK. Here are two blogs that I have recently (re)discovered, and I just want to sit down and have coffee with the authors and find out every little thing about them. So get your asses to Austin and humor me, damnit.
Badgerings has only been around since May, but a cursory glimpse of the front page shows that this person has wit, style and a fucking humongous amount of intelligence.
I feel guilty crushing on Zwichenzug because, well, I really only started seriously reading it after that awfully nice post about my blog. But now that I have scanned the archives, I'm thinking "Why the fuck haven't I been reading this blog from the beginning?"
Both of these blogs are from honest-to-goodness, real-life, college edumacated folks, which we know is generally taboo around here. But I simply can't resist smart asses who think humans are basically good, even if they tend to express themselves in sentences heavily laden with polysyllabic words. And Zwichenzug at least attempts to improve my vocabulary with his frequent "word of the day" type post thingies.
So, yeah...thanks Badger and Rowland. Good, good, yummy good stuff. Keep it up!
In Other Words
July 26, 2005
Badger has a few thoughts on parsing the propaganda.
Excellent post. Word by word.
Wanted..."Dumb" Jokes
July 26, 2005
Evidently, I'm in need of some laughs, because I am obsessively returning to David Rowland's Zwichenzug: The return of dumb joke blogging post in hopes that I will see more so-called dumb jokes.
Can someone please comment over there with some good "dumb" jokes so I can justify my obsessive clicky-finger?
The Teenage Nephew Mix
July 26, 2005
I just slapped together this little mix for my teenage nephew who is into punk rock:
- Screeching Weasel - Punk Rock Explained
- Jawbreaker - Driven
- Ramones - California Sun
- Screeching Weasel - Supermarket Fantasy
- Reel Big Fish - Boys Don't Cry
- Screeching Weasel - Blitzkreig Bop
- Rites of Spring - In Silence/Words away
- Kathleen Hanna - Mr. Magazine Man
- The English Beat - Hands Off...She's Mine
- Screeching Weasel - I Was a High School Psychopath
- Fugazi - Waiting Room
- Fugazi - Shut The Door
- Sex Pistols - Pretty Vacant
- Dead Milkmen - Nutrition
- Buzzcocks - I Don't Mind
- Jawbreaker - Sluttering
- Bikini Kill - Rah! Rah! Replica
- Bikini Kill - New Radio
- The Donnas - You've Got a Crush on Me
- Operation Ivy - Bombshell
- The Donnas - Who Invited You?
- Sex Pistols - Anarchy in the UK
- Screeching Weasel - I Wrote Holden Caulfield
- Fugazi - Repeater
- Screeching Weasel - Dingbat
- Fugazi - Epic Problem
- Screeching Weasel - Stupid Over You
- Rites of Spring - Nudes
- Buzzcocks - All Over You
- English Beat - End of the Party
In Fact, My Bumper Sticker for the last 3-4 posts would read:
July 26, 2005
"I'm sorry, I would oppose the War on Terror, BUT now that it's called "The Global Struggle Against Violent Extremism" I suppose "Collatoral Death" is "Justified" (in the name of "Justice," no less.)"
So? Yes? Should I cafe press it?
We're all going to need bigger bumpers.
July 26, 2005
New Name for 'War on Terror' Reflects Wider U.S. Campaign - New York Times
In recent speeches and news conferences, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld and the nation's senior military officer have spoken of "a global struggle against violent extremism" rather than "the global war on terror," which had been the catchphrase of choice. Administration officials say that phrase may have outlived its usefulness, because it focused attention solely, and incorrectly, on the military campaign.
Perhaps this is an insidious republican plot to boost lagging SUV sales. I mean, when we start retooling our slogans to be LONGER rather than shorter, um.
I guess, though, that I might somehow be able to convince myself that I am AGAINST war, but somehow FOR "a global struggle." Without having my head COMPLETELY explode, anyway.
This link was brought to you by Prometheus 6, who also had a very interesting post (which hosts some enlightening comments) about redefining things.
There's not even a sorry attached to this but.
July 26, 2005
'Why Did They Force My Son Into the Water?'
After that time, the body was taken to the American hospital in Najaf for a post-mortem examination. Ahmed's family are angry that they were not informed. The Army says that it acted in the interest of justice.
Emphasis added by me.
The reason why I oppose all war. ALL war. Is it throws people into a totally fucked up state of mind where they have to make decisions about life and death - going against their inherent goodness - and shit like this happens. Shit like this and the killing of an innocent person in London. Shit like this, and the cavalier attitude we are supposed to have towards the dead and injured "on the other side" in Iraq.
People are not meant to be this disconnected from each other. I can't believe it is anything but completely traumatizing to be responsible for so much death. And I look at my fellow humans who are seemingly so unaffected by the death that surrounds them, and I wonder how damaged we are as a nation. And then I think about places like Iraq, and it's no wonder we've all gone fucking insane.
Just like the word "but" should never follow an apology, the word "justice" should never follow a death.
BUT?
July 26, 2005
"We are all desperately sorry for the death of an innocent person and I understand entirely the feelings of the young man's family, but we also have to understand the police are doing their job in very, very difficult circumstances,"
I heard this pseudo apology from Blair, and I wanted to slap someone. BUT? What the fuck? You don't say "I'm sorry that we killed your son/brother/cousin/uncle/neighbor, BUT" anything. I don't give a fuck about security. Just find a different fucking moment to defend the fucking police officer or, much worse, the stupid fucking "shoot to kill" policy the police officer was following when an innocent person was gunned down for no fucking reason.
And more BUTS:
Foreign Secretary Jack Straw defended the so-called "shoot-to-kill" policy adopted by police for dealing with suspected suicide bombers.He said he "deeply regretted" the killing of an innocent man. But Mr Straw said it was essential that police were able to deal effectively with the threat of a suicide attack.
Fucking fucking fucking ghouls. You know? Let the family have a really fucking apology. Is it that fucking hard to keep politics out of one fucking sentence.
"Desperately sorry" MY Butt.
How cool
July 25, 2005
How cool is it to click, click, click through a couple of websites (no search engine required) and find a bunch of punk rock flyers my friends and I designed in the '80's:
.P.o.P. .|. Antique Show Flyers .|. page 2
But, please..."antique?" As if I don't feel freaking old enough already! hahaha.
Anything with "oyster" on it was made (by ripping of other people's artwork, mostly) by me. There are collaborations (oystervirus, blau oystermeyer or whatever) which are even cooler. There are some that aren't labeled that are mine, too...including my favorite show of all time and my favorite image of all time.
This is definitely my find of the week.
Relative to the Below, the Above, and the Beyond
July 25, 2005
This quote from Manhattan Transfer sums things up rather nicely:
Everything would be so much better if suddenly a bell rang and everybody told everybody else honestly what they did about it, how they lived, how they loved. It's hiding things makes them putrefy. By God it's horrible. As if life wasn't difficult enough without that." -John Dos Passos
This Old Motherfucking House.
July 25, 2005
So...tell me. How many of you would pay to read a journal of a novice repairperson learning how to renovate a house with high quality on the cheap using as many recycled/freecycled materials as possible?
I figure...I have the house that needs the work. I have experienced friends who are volunteering to do the work. I need a little bit of money to start the work, but I can write and I can manage a website and maybe I can find sponsors for each project and post the results of the project and the step-by-step directions on the site?
We're starting with painting a ceiling and walls, and tiling a floor. I think we're actually going to use new paint for that part of it, but we're getting all scrap/used tile for the floors, and we can probably throw in some bits about how to do mosaics and stuff like that. Other projects will include replacing a toilet, patching foundation, planting some gardens, pulling up giant tree-like weeds, retiling a kitchen floor, more painting, scraping that fucking popcorn crap off of a ceiling...umm...ummm...and much much more.
Anyone interested in sponsoring that project? It'll probably cost about $200-$300 total. Plus if someone wants to volunteer to make a template for the website, that would be cool.
(also, is this an absolutely ridiculous idea, or am I on to something here?)
The Real Enemy.
July 25, 2005
I found this excellent article, America the Beautiful, through anarchist 6 [zero] 6, which I found through the anarchist blog aggregator/portal thingy.
Here's a small quote from the article:
America is not threatened by any external forces or fanatical groups, but by lying, cheating, stealing, killing, hypocritical, arrogant Americans whose enormous wealth is only exceeded by their insatiable greed and their indifference to the plight of the people.This small minority of Americans are the main enemy of the great majority of the American people as well as the enemy of the traditions, laws and spirit of America, our beautiful America — and the world at large.
Really, what does false bravado accomplish?
July 25, 2005
I Am Fucking Terrified dot com
9. Terrorists cause terror. That's why they're called terrorists. If they didn't cause terror, they'd be called something else - like 'annoyingists'. Saying that you're afraid doesn't mean that the terrorists have "won".10. Some of us - whisper it - are not terribly brave.
link via randomwalks.
Tired.
July 24, 2005
It's been a good weekend, and I am so very tired right now. I usually try to get a couple of good hours to myself after the kids go to bed, but I might just spend those couple of hours in my newly-made bed (sprinkled with lavender) getting some well-deserved rest.
Today was cleaning and playing with the kiddos and then I picked up Susan and we scored a LOT of freecycled tile that I'm going to be using to refloor a room of my house. I actually think I almost have enough tile to do the whole room from freecycle alone. One woman basically gave me an entire bathroom's worth of tile. Most of it is really neutral, too, so I think I might shop around for bits of colored tile at the Habitat For Humanity ReStore so we can truly mosaicize things up a bit in there. Next weekend, I am tackling the ceiling, either by hand or by machine. The ceilings throughout this house are made with that crappy "popcorn" stuff, and they are the biggest pain in the ass to paint...so I might resort to a sprayer or something. I am hoping that by the end of August, the room will be ready & I can either find a roommate or figure out something fun that I can do with the space.
Anyway, I kicked ass with the tile loading, as did Susan. I had to crack the big sheets in half to get them to fit into the van & we managed to get it all loaded up right before a huge rainstorm hit.
We headed back to my house and kicked ass in the kitchen and cooked up some bean and kale minestra & cornbread. That shit is FUCKING delicious. And it was nice to have a guest for dinner, while the kids did their goofy kid stuff and Susan and I attempted to have an adult conversation in, around, and over them. But then we had ice cream and it got kinda late, so I drove Susan home and came back and ordered the children to bed so I could snatch a few minutes of alone time before I wrote this post.
And now I'm going to wrap up the leftovers and trip off to bed. Nighty night.
Cole on Dreams
July 24, 2005
Coley and I were just having a conversation about dreams. He was telling me that he only has bad dreams, and the only good dream he has had was "half good, half bad" and involved our dog and twelve tongues and he thought she was attacking him, but she was only licking him.
At any rate, thinking that he was presenting me with a problem that needed to be solved, I started in with the whole positive visualization thang. I said "Why don't we think of something happy that you can dream tonight. If you could think of one thing that you would LIKE to dream about, what would it be?"
Coley pulled away from me to look me in the eyes (I had been holding him close, against my chest) and said "But, mom, I LIKE scary dreams. Scary dreams make it more funner to go to sleep."
(This conclusion resembles Monk's observation when, at the age of three, he went through the elementary school haunted house at Halloween. "Mom!" He said, eyes wide, "Sometimes scary FUN!")