Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: Relationship Rambling

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« HAIRCUT | Main | Little things that bring joy. »

Relationship Rambling

July 31, 2005

Lately, I have to force myself to stay asleep on days that I don't have anything pressing going on. There's some sort of inertia that grips me at 7 AM that wants to pull me out of bed and get me started, even when I know I have an entire day leisurely yawning before me and more sleep would probably be A Good Thing. Today, I managed to stave off waking until 8:30 or so. Now I'm Awake. I'm blasting music, and it feels good.

I tried last night, between cleaning closets and the boys' room, to write an essay about monogamy, relationships, love and stuff...because that's what's been on my mind lately, what with there being no conceivable way that the divorce will be postponed AGAIN & the big day being Next Friday. I read through some posts that I wrote on this topic* shortly before and shortly after L and I broke up, and, just for grins, I read over some posts about abusive relationships* that I wrote while reading an amazing book** that someone sent me anonymously really helped me through a lot of the hard stuff. And I had this article in mind, because I know I have a lot to say about so-called "emotional fidelity" and how the article seemed like a bullshit way to keep women in line while "boys are being boys" and not taking responsibility for the emotional upkeep in the relationship. And I wanted to write about that stuff, but I kept hitting a wall. Mostly because I'm reaching a point in my current relationship where a lot of this stuff is rearing its ugly head in a very different way than it did in my relationship with L, but in a noticable way nonetheless. I still haven't, however, sorted through exactly what of the current shit is mine to own, and what is J's...so I don't feel like I'm ready to deconstruct the current relationship in those terms exactly. Not to mention that I am still (wholeheartedly) In my current relationship, as there is much in this relationship to celebrate, in addition to the minor and major tweaking that needs to be done to either make it mutually healthier or, you know, mutually over.

I'm rambling. Bear with me. I just poured my first cup of coffee of the day and you are getting The Raw Deal (if not A Raw Deal.)

So, rather than focus on the Current Relationship in that context, I have something Else on my mind that I think is illustrated by this inertia I seem to have to get up and at the world way earlier than I might even feel like I want to. That is, I really fucking Love Life. I do. And what I am having a difficult time understanding is why I seem to attract people who do not love life. I'm like a freaking bug lamp for depressed people. And I don't get that. It's actually mostly in my romantic relationships that I seem to have this dynamic and, yeah, I know the psychology of that. I'm not dumb. I know my dad was depressive and he disappeared and evidently I'm trying to recreate that relationship and getting some sort of validation out of re-enacting it time and time again, but you'd think I would be put in a position every once in awhile to actually REJECT people who love life for the role of romantic partner...but I don't think I have. Or maybe I am just so good at avoiding those people that they don't even get close enough to attempt to get involved with me.

I have to clarify, I really Love Life AND I'm prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and supreme whining. So it's not like I run around flinging fucking daisies in my wake whereever I go, and I certainly don't expect that kind of behavior from a romantic partner or friend, either. Sometimes it seems like the more I love life, the more pissed off I get about the extremes people go to to destroy life. So I get that anger and cynicism is often Part of the Package of loving life. Perhaps it's that the people I get involved with lose sight of that? Perhaps it's a shift of focus, of definition? Maybe depressive people really do love life, but they don't get that their depression is a rebellion against external forces that are trying to fuck with that beauty?

I dunno. All I know is that I keep finding myself in relationships where I feel chained (however prettily) by my partner's limitations. Like, I'm looking outside the window, thinking HOLY FUCKING SHIT, it's never-ending beauty, and they are looking out the same window and thinking It's not beauty, it's wholly fucking shit***.

I don't seem to have these problems in my friendships. And perhaps that's because it's easier for me to drop friends who aren't compatible with me...or that I'm more free to choose the context in which I relate to my friends, whereas a romantic partner is more of an all-contexts all the time kind of thing.

What I do know is that I now know enough about myself to be dangerous. I know that I have a center of love for life, and that I'm not really willing to compromise that to a great extent. I know that anyone who wants to have a central role in my life must at least have a CRUSH on life. I know that I CAN'T GIVE THAT LOVE TO PEOPLE - I am not the conduit to life...I'm just another one of its expressions.

But I also have to wonder...is it really so rare to love life? Am I just assuming too much of people? Is there a way for me to coexist with someone who is so chained without myself feeling trapped and grounded? Or does my tendency towards chronic bliss necessitate that I Just Not Get Romantically Involved With Anyone, or perhaps inform my reservations about monogamy (i.e. in this context, chaining myself to one depressed person.)

I don't know the answers to these questions, but I would really like to hear what other people think, and this processing is where comments were always helpful to me (as well as, I like to think, random stray people passing by)...so if you have anything enlightening to say on this subject please feel free to email me. I haven't been very good about putting the emails I have been getting on the blog, but if you tell me specifically that you want your comment posted, I will attempt to do that in a timely manner. Or, if you want to keep it private, also let me know.

*There are many links on this site that do not work properly, so I am having to link entire categories. Scroll down for the pertinent posts.

**If that person is out there reading this blog, I want to hug you forever.

***This actually reminds me of a Nick Cave song that always made me just want to slap him and hug him at the same time, because while it's entirely frustrating to listen to, it also somewhat describes the situations I tend to find myself in. And, while I don't necessarily relate to the "she" in the song, I get a sense that the "he" in the song is somewhat sadistically using his cynicism as a means of torture:

As I sat sadly by her side
At the window, through the glass
She stroked a kitten in her lap
And we watched the world as it fell past
Softly she spoke these words to me
And with brand new eyes, open wide
We pressed our faces to the glass
As I sat sadly by her side

She said, "Father, mother, sister, brother,
Uncle, aunt, nephew, niece,
Soldier, sailor, physician, labourer,
Actor, scientist, mechanic, priest
Earth and moon and sun and stars
Planets and comets with tails blazing
All are there forever falling
Falling lovely and amazing"

Then she smiled and turned to me
And waited for me to reply
Her hair was falling down her shoulders
As I sat sadly by her side

As I sat sadly by her side
The kitten she did gently pass
Over to me and again we pressed
Our different faces to the glass
"That may be very well", I said
"But watch the one falling in the street
See him gesture to his neighbours
See him trampled beneath their feet
All outward motion connects to nothing
For each is concerned with their immediate need
Witness the man reaching up from the gutter
See the other one stumbling on who can not see"

With trembling hand I turned toward her
And pushed the hair out of her eyes
The kitten jumped back to her lap
As I sat sadly by her side

Then she drew the curtains down
And said, "When will you ever learn
That what happens there beyond the glass
Is simply none of your concern?
God has given you but one heart
You are not a home for the hearts of your brothers

And God does not care for your benevolence
Anymore than he cares for the lack of it in others
Nor does he care for you to sit
At windows in judgement of the world He created
While sorrows pile up around you
Ugly, useless and over-inflated"

At which she turned her head away
Great tears leaping from her eyes
I could not wipe the smile from my face
As I sat sadly by her side

Posted at July 31, 2005 9:00 AM

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