Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: The Politics of Hurt Feelings

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The Politics of Hurt Feelings

October 14, 2005

I feel like I need to go back and pick up the pieces a bit from the Mommy Wars debacle. Because I've had some space to think about it, and some perspective with other events in my life that have added depth to my feelings about it. Not that anyone who was involved is still reading, but this is important shit for me to get out. And it's not even on the topic of babies or mothers or anything. It's on the topic of "hurt feelings" and "apologies on demand."

I guess to give context to this, I should say that I broke up with my boyfriend last night. It's honestly no big deal to me; it's something that has been needing to happen for awhile, and I'm glad that I was able to do it without hard feelings between us. I'm not sure that I want to go into the reasons necessarily, except that it's sucky that I had to do it when he was going through some hard times...but I feel like the way he was dealing with his hard times was not healthy for me or for the children. And more than that. I discovered that I've been "making do" in my relationship with him for some time now. Settling for what I knew was less than he could offer. It was weird that I found my voice to tell him this only AFTER I had decided that this time I needed to break up with him for real. Like I told him, I have been trained to "settle" "accept" and "make do" & that's not helpful to anyone. Part of me feels like I shouldn't need to be demanding things of people all of the time - that people should just be allowed to realize their own worth and potential and, damnit, live up to it. However, I know this is not always the case with me. I enjoy being challenged - even when it hurts my feelings - it's important for me to know when someone expects more from me than what I am offering.

And I am sensitive. Exquisitely sensitive. As are most of us. And my feelings get hurt. Regularly. Which is where the whole mommy war debate comes into my current mindframe. It seems during the process of that debate, in the midst of me expressing my truth, I hurt the feelings of one or more people. These people felt so hurt by something that they perceived I was saying in a tone they perceived (which, after having read over the conversations several times, simply was not reality on my part - a point which I expressed many different times in many different ways) that they wanted to derail the conversation to focus on their hurt rather than the topic. Ironically, the topic was how women, in general, are hurt by unrealistic expectations. And my feelings were hurt, too. It was a raw, painful discussion. The problem is that we are all so much in the habit of forcing people to apologize, often at the expense of the issue at hand. There was one point that someone I considered a friend accused me (or so I felt) of being insincere about my feelings about the importance of community. I had to stop talking for a bit, examine why that hurt, figure out if it was actually true, and after I had taken the time to validate myself step back into the conversation to speak my truth.

The thing is that we are all trained to except things. We are all trained to settle. We are all trained to be taken aback when someone demands that you examine something unpleasant that they see in you. When we feel like we need to carry around hurt feelings based on a conversation rather than examine why they are hurt and either confront themselves or confront the other person about those hurt feelings (and accept when and if the other person might just say "I'm not sorry. I was only speaking my truth. I didn't INTEND to hurt your feelings, but your hurt feelings are not going to cause me to stop speaking my truth.") it's counterproductive. And it's sad.

I'm pretty sure I lost a friend in that argument. I want to email her and explain myself (again) but I don't think I have anything new to add & I'm not sure that I'm in the mood to convince someone that I meant no harm. I feel like I'm a very gentle person. I truly believe that people are inherently good. However, I feel like I've spent too much of my life silencing myself at the risk of pissing people off, and I have had precious little room in my life to speak my truth without having to compromise to someone else's feelings, misconceptions, or misinterpretations. I tend to assume the same of other people, as well. At least I hope that I do. It's something that I'm definitely going to pay attention to, moving forward.

Posted at October 14, 2005 11:15 AM

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Comments

i am so thankful that you are there, being who you are, saying what you say in the way you say it, and doing what you do. i won't ask you never to change, because change is both natural and inevitable, but i just want you to know i'd never change anything about the way you express yourself. not a single damn thing. so, there ya go.

Posted by: r@d@r at October 14, 2005 4:46 PM

you know, in my head, i start most sentences by "i'm sorry but". i have to stop and say - hell, i'm not sorry - it's true! because i don't think of things i'm actually apologizing for, but of, as you so nicely put it, my truth. i'm sorry but you didn't put your stuff away like i asked you to (do it now!). why in the world do i slide that "i'm sorry" in there?? well i am starting to have answers (and i don't like them but hell i'll work through them). i should make myself a tshirt that reads "i'm NOT sorry" and wear it every day.

kudos to you, mama, for leaving a relationship that did not satisfy you. and big hugs too because fully satisfying or not, chosen or not, an end is not easy to deal with all the time. kudos too for knowing your truth and voicing it out and being a voice out here that i hear loud and clear - you're a wonderful person, and i'm very glad to have your voice in my life.

Posted by: five blue at October 15, 2005 1:17 PM

I feel like I'm a very gentle person. I truly believe that people are inherently good. However, I feel like I've spent too much of my life silencing myself at the risk of pissing people off, and I have had precious little room in my life to speak my truth without having to compromise to someone else's feelings, misconceptions, or misinterpretations.

Let's sing another verse together, sister, 'cause it soundsbetter in two-part harmony . . .

I lost a friend over post-Katrina political discussions -- an RL friend of ten years' duration. And it was so much like this. And evena fter looking it over gently and carefully, I see no point in picking at scabs, because I ee no point in inviting someone else's desperate oversensitivity back into the one place in my life where I do not ahve to constantly stroke someone else's ego.

*hugs*

Posted by: garrity at October 16, 2005 2:31 PM