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« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »
My Life Kicks Ass.
November 30, 2005
Here are 10 Reasons Why:
- The co-housing situation is working out splendidly as far as I can tell. I'm totally fucking thrilled with it & I feel like all of the kids are enjoying themselves & none of the adults are over-taxed. There are some adjustments that might need to be made here & there, but overall...I'm loving it. Even my dog is happier. She gets nightly romps in the field with her new friend.
- Good conversations with friends old and new, including coffee chats that last until we are kicked out of the coffeehouse, and long, drawn-out 8-hour road trip chats. Plus, new friends who appreciate my record collection. There's an excitement to my life lately - a few new friends who I can tell are just...significant somehow. I can't figure out exactly how, but the fun is in the finding out.
- Sort of a continuation of the above, but the realization that my life has always been rich with wonderful people. I have always had the coolest friends in the world. I'm feeling very fortunate about that right now.
- Monk & Cole's dentist, who very gently and sweetly coaxed a VERY resistant coley to allow a good cleaning of his teeth. Thank Maude for people who understand the need to respond kindly to resistance.
- Lessons learned from New Orleans, which I am still mulling over. But Coleen's hospitality was stunning in the midst of all of the activity of her life. I hope, at some point, I can give her some sort of spa weekend in Austin and cater to her every whim.
- The particular shade of blue against the particular brownish-reddish hue of the leaves of the trees yesterday on my mid-afternoon walk with Twyla, my sweet pup.
- Watching Twyla run. She's like a little white gazelle-boxer, frolicking through the field.
- My friend David's smile & laugh...& feeling like I have found a soul-sibling in him.
- Really, truly...and I will say it again. Pansy and Clay are the most awesome humans on the face of the planet.
- My sweet, sweet boys & all of their quirks and kindnesses. And the children of the most awesome humans on the face of the planet, as well.
Home.
November 27, 2005
I am home.
NOLA
November 26, 2005
I've been left alone in a house with a computer, so here I am.
In my attempts to recruit people to come to New Orleans with me this weekend, the most common response was "OK...why?" & I didn't really know the answer. I knew there was stuff going on, and I knew I had a friend in New Orleans who I never thought I was ever going to be able to visit again - a friend who, historically, I have found way too many reasons to NOT come and visit - to the point where I'm sure any time I would say "I'm going to try to come visit you" there was an eyeroll response on the other end & I was certain, while driving here yesterday, that she really thought I just wasn't going to show at all.
But I didn't know WHY in the larger sense. I don't think there was a larger WHY. I think it was just one of those "because it's there" things. Because it's there. Because I have time. Because I'm missing my kiddos like crazy.
So here I am.
I feel like I can totally justify the trip on the basis of coming to visit a friend, but I also am glad that I was able to transport some cots and camping gear to the Common Ground house, as well as driving an Austin friend here to scope things out. He's from this area originally, and is trying to move back.
This morning, after dropping off the camping stuff from Austin, we went over to the other Common Ground site. There isn't much going on, but I didn't feel like I was necessarily suited for gutting a house today, so I did the dishes...which sounds simple, but was complicated by the fact that there was no hot water and no real sink. After that, there wasn't anything going on at all, so Carl and I drove around the French Quarter. My kids wanted me to bring them home a Cafe Du Monde mug (a fact which, I've noticed, makes all of the locals cringe) so we tried to stand in line there, but it was taking too long...so we walked back to the car.
Carl's been pointing out all sorts of interesting New Orleans facts to me, and it's been good to have a companion. I had it in my head that I was going to take this trip alone, but I am glad that I have a travel partner who is so well-versed in local history & offers a perspective that I would not necessarily have considered. I was worried that I would alienate him with my car-silence (I really don't like to talk while I'm driving) but he seemed to take it very well. The drive took almost exactly 8 hours, in spite of the fact that the google map said it would take over 11.
So, anyway, tonight we will have dinner & a show with friends, and tomorrow we head back. It's been a bit more vacation-y than I expected (I found out too late that the food not bombs folks were in a different area than the common ground folks & I could have been helping them cook today maybe) but that's OK. I really didn't have any expectations coming down here. Just another road trip.
I don't have a camera, but I think everyone has seen the flattened houses. Coleen, my lovely hostess, has taken some lovely photos of the beautiful things that I've seen here, and maybe I'll link up to those pictures sometime later. There are some bizarre scenes, some fairly depressing things...but the air is not laden with mold and "crap" and I did not instantly fall deathly ill upon entering the city, in spite of what I have been told would happen. Right now, there's a puppy barking outside, and someone is watching maybe a football game next door, and it all seems fairly normal.
Between Coleen and Carl, I have heard a great deal of cross-talk about the importance/motivation of the activism here. I'm kind of feeling like I need to piece things together in my head and figure out what people are trying to accomplish. Maybe, though, it's not for me to define or decide...so I don't think I will write about it until I have thought about it a bit more.
BTW - Coleen and her children are every bit as adorable as I thought they would be. I played a rousing game of go fish last night with her little one, and missed my boys all the more. I lost, thankyouverymuch...but I think L was cheating.
Getting What I Want.
November 25, 2005
I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately...and the being in between of them. That space between is such a sacred place. Like the space between breaths. I haven't yet reached the euphoric realization that anything is possible...that limitlessness of knowing that I am unchained. While I am working on keeping myself solid & assessing and correcting my damage, I haven't yet put my thoughts into the context of who I am in a relationship. But last night, while I was talking to Susan and David, something clicked. First, I realized I said something totally insensitive and rude about relationships with 20-somethings in a room where I was the only person who was NOT a 20-something (&, thinking about it, I meant it in that conspiratorial "Oh, you're some of the GOOD 20-something's" way, & I'm sure that only made it worse. But it's true I forget with them. Susan is so...well, Susan. She's smart, she's analytical, and she's ageless. David is probably one of the most mature men that I know, at least in terms of earnestness (and, damnit, I respect the hell out of earnestness) - and I know plenty of men who are older than him - and yet he is sweet and playful and...also ageless.)
So, there are a couple of things I figured out I need to work on. For one thing, I *still* need to learn to keep my mouth shut when I'm tempted to talk shit. For another, and this is the direct result of a conversation I had with D in which he was talking about how we can't really affect change in others or the universe so we have to work on ourselves...I need to realize that working on who I am, and putting myself in temporary periods of isolation is fine, but I can't know if it's working until I put myself into social contexts. In other words, I might not be able to control what other people do, but I need to be with other people - sometimes even potentially emotionally unsafe people - in order to further align who I am with who I want to be. It's great to sit here and feel in love with humanity, but it's not so great when I walk out the door into the fray and am barraged with feelings of anger and frustration towards my fellow humans. Which actually happened the other day when I was out and about doing errands and it seemed like the entire world was conspiring to PISS ME OFF. hahahaha.
& also, I can't walk around being of the opinion that I am somehow "above" relationships. I started to slip recently into thinking that I would be fine if I never got involved romantically and sexually with another person ever again. That I would, instead, focus my energy on strengthening the other relationships in my life and forming new relationships untainted by "all that." Which sounds really noble, but I have slowly been realizing that's just another way that I avoid the responsibility that comes with dealing with those difficult situations that I always get hung up on. That, again, if I avoid the contexts in which I tend to become misaligned, I will never be the person I really want to be. Life in a vaccuum does not provide an adequate representation, nor does it allow me to open myself up to LOVING realignment. Thinking about it that way really exposes the damage in the idea that I can live above romance & sex, as it becomes clear that the romance & sex are not what I'm avoiding so much as the responsibility of being accountable to/for another person...and the reason for that avoidance is based on just plain old fear (both fear of failure in myself, and fear that all beings are NOT, in fact, inherently good...and that somehow I'm going to manage to get myself into a relationship with another person who doesn't have my best interests in mind & heart.)
That said, too, I realized that I can be open to a future relationship and still not be one of these people who is constantly scouting for one. However, knowing that I always fall ass-backwards into relationships...and knowing, too, that I tend to always GET exactly what I WANT (consciously or subconsciously) (which is not to say that I WANTED the bad parts of some of my worst relationships, but I certainly ended up with the people I fixed my sights on, for whatever reason I had decided to fix my sights on them) I need to really think about what I want. Specifically. In a relationship. & I'm not talking about just what the other person will be like or bring, but also what I will be encouraged to develop & what the relationship itself will bring to me.
These thoughts should keep me occupied for the 8 or so hours to and from New Orleans. Maybe I'll even come back with yet another damn list!
It's Bark/Bite's Bloggy Birthday...
November 22, 2005
Go get yourself some tasty cake before the ice cream melts.
myspace
November 22, 2005
Although I'm not quite sure why, other than by the urging of a friend, I now have a myspace page. Yay. Come make a comment, friend me, and make me feel like I'm all popular and shit.
Victim Blaming 101
November 21, 2005
To be absolutely sure of her safety a woman should probably wrap herself in a blanket, drink nothing but water and say NO in a gruff tone whenever a man walks by.
Mainstreaming Michael Moore
November 21, 2005
Egalia nails it with this post.
If the White House is to be believed, the majority of Americans are now in the "extreme liberal wing of the Democratic Party." Heh.As usual, the White House responds to criticism with mafia-like efforts to swiftboat the messenger. In the latest battle, the Bushies hoped to discredit former Marine colonel, Rep. John Murtha by charging that he is in the Michael Moore camp.
Listening to the PBS news shows today had me absolutely flabbergasted. I couldn't believe Scott McClellan actually attempted to discredit a senator who was formerly in the military by saying he was a kooky michael moore follower. WTF? What can they do next to freak me right the fuck out? I don't think I even want to know.
Exit Strategy, Indeed.
November 20, 2005
[for background, go here]
Conversation over coffee
November 17, 2005
Mom: Isn't it nice that your big brother is going to read you a book, Coley?
Cole: Yes. I'm very lucky to have such a nice big brother, and YOU are very luck to have two nice boys, instead of GIRL babies.
Mom: Why is that?
Cole: Because girl babies think they are PRINCESSES.
Mom: Well, my two nice boys get kind of Princessy themselves sometimes.
Monk: I'm not a princess...I'm a POPE!
Cole: I'm a LORD.
Mom: I'm a goddess.
Monk (holding up his pointy idea finger): A-HA! But all girls have the goddess inside of them. We all have gods and goddesses inside of us.
Mom: Is that your Buddhism talking?
Monk: Yeah...HEY...Imagine if there was a female pope! A Pope-Ette!
Mom: Why do you suppose there ISN'T a female Pope, Monk?
Monk: Because religion is SEXIST.
The Penultimate Peril
November 15, 2005
One of the advantages of being taciturn is that it is rare for your words to get you into trouble. A taciturn writer, for instance, might produce only one short poem every ten years, which is unlikely to annoy anyone, whereas someone who writes twelve or thirteen books in a relatively short time is likely to find themselves hiding under the coffee table of a notorious villain, holding his breath, hoping nobody at the cocktail party will notice the trembling backgammon set, and wondering, as the inkstain spreads across the carpeting, if certain literary exercises have been entirely worthwhile."
The Penultimate Peril, by Lemony Snicket, is the penultimate, which here means the twelfth book, responsible for the shuddering backgammon set beneath which the harried author of the divine series of Unfortunate Events is huddled.
It would be easy to pick this book apart as formulaic and trite, as the Baudelaires drag their tired, pseudo-victorian selves through another 13 penultimately perilous chapters, but, as it turns out, Snicket has turned form-ula into form-ulart - to the extent that three chapters within this larger screed are, themselves, entirely formulaic. Amazingly, the reader walks away without feeling ripped off or shortchanged.
The fact is, the formula works, and I certainly can't begrudge the author for not messing with a good thing, particularly when the author clearly demonstrates the appropriate degree of self-awareness indicated in the previously quoted passage.
In book the twelfth, the Baudelaire children gather with the wide array of villains and noble people they have met along the way, at the Hotel Denouement. An accidental death, a miscarriage of justice, and an apocryphal alliance ensue as the reader joyously romps through page upon page of delightful wordplay. We are reintroduced to such characters as the perpetual slave to "IN"-hood, Esme Squalor:
The rest of Esme's outfit, I regret to say, consisted of three large leaves of lettuce, attached to her body with tape. If you have ever seen the bathing garment known as the bikini, then you can guess wehre these pieces of lettuce were attached, and if you cannot guess then I advice you to ask someone of your acquaintance who is not as squeamish as I am about discussing the bodies of villainous women."
Amidst the intrigue, the delight, the formula, and the definitive asides are countless references to classical and pop literature and culture, as well as explanations and occasional gleeful debunkments of popular cliches, including the overarching theme of the ripple effect. Once again, Mr. Snicket approaches this variety of topics - good and evil, action and reaction, "noble enough," forgiveness, empowerment, and justice in ways that avoid condescension and both instruct and delight the audience, young and old alike. For this reason, I would say yes, Mr. Snicket, this particular literary exercise has, indeed, been entirely worthwhile. And, as I quietly mop up the spilled ink, and lean on the backgammon set to keep it steady & avoid betraying your hiding place, I thank you.
Grave Digging 101
November 15, 2005
Well, of course, the minute I say I'm feeling private-ish...I write something I want to share. I had to sleep on it to make sure I wanted to share it, but I read it again this morning and, maybe I'm just a freak, but it made me laugh. & sometimes, you just have to laugh. I'm putting it below the fold, though. It's not really recommended for those who are at all squeamish about dead things or sad things, as clearly I have no respect for the dead OR the sad.
I actually think I want to polish this up a bit and definitely put it in the book...but here's the rough draft:
Today's homeschooling lesson was, well, Gravedigging 101.
We woke up early. All night, I kept thinking I heard the jingling of her collar, or her baying hound barking up and down the street. A familiar frustration would grip my throat, as I would start to think "Damn Hell Ass Fucking dog got out AGAIN!" But no. Monk's dog was still dead, waiting on the floor of the garage to be disposed of.
Somehow, early on in the day, the other dog got out. I was in a panic, thinking that she, too, would end up run over. That I would have to face another guilty neighbor begging for reassurance that "Really, truly, it's OK. I don't blame you a bit. It's not your fault. It's OK. Honestly. It's OK." I had been reading some grief management websites to find a way to mitigate my son's mourning a bit, and it is evidently fairly common to go through a period where everyone seems more fragile. So, my panic was normal.
But then I realized... "Oh fuck! She's out in the garage."
I ran out there to find that the living dog had torn through the plastic garbage bag we had slid over the dead dog (who was also wrapped in her favorite blanket) and was performing Some Questionable Ritual. I was certain, in the half light, that the ritual in question was unquestionably distasteful, so I shooed her away without even daring to look.
Later, back in the house, doing dishes, I looked out of my window and saw that the garage door was yet again open. The dog was there with me. SHIT! MONK!
I ran back there, expecting to find a gruesome scene of Monk, passed out over a half-cannibalized carcass (I was JUST CERTAIN that the living dog was eating the dead dog...don't even fucking ask me why.) And I found Monk. Gently carressing his dog's body, and talking to her in soft tones.
I noticed that her ear was flipped back, and it dawned on me what the living dog had been doing. She was cleaning the dead dog's ears. The dead dog had these big, floppy ears that were always so bothersome and itchy. The living dog would clean them as often as the now-dead dog (when she had been alive) would allow her.
Cleaning her ears.
Monk and I had a good cry over that one. The night before, Monk had been upset with the living dog because she seemed so blissfully oblivious to the tragedy that had unfolded. Now we knew she knew. And she had said her goodbyes, too.
Beagle Bailey lay in state on the garage floor all morning while we ran errands and took care of things. It was my intention to have her cremated as soon as I got a few of the other more rigorously scheduled events of the day under my belt and had the wherewithal to haul a 45 pound dog to the vet for said procedure.
By midmorning, Coley, age 5, had the entire progression of what happens to a dog after it dies worked out. "Right now, mom, we have a spirit dog. But then she'll become a skeleton dog, then a ghost dog, then a VAMPIRE dog, then a demon dog, then a ZOMBIE dog..." and so on.
When I finally called the vet, they informed me that it would cost $waytoofuckingmuch.99 to have the dog cremated individually so we could have her ashes. A pauper's cremation, sans return of ashes, was $onlyslightlymoreaffordable.75.
So, what could I do? I grabbed a shovel.
Monk asked me to bury her outside the fence. It seemed better that way, considering her entire goal in life and the eventual cause of her demise was her undying desire to escape confinement.
I dug for about 30 minutes before I called the children out. I wasn't actually sure if it was too morbid to ask the houseful of children to do some gravedigging for me, but...what the Hell...they had spent the entire morning petting a dead dog, I figured it couldn't get any worse.
"Hey kids?" I inquired..."Want to dig a hole?"
"A hole what?" was the response. Completely devoid of irony.
"Lucius? Monk? You like to dig holes. Get to work!" I ordered (more good-naturedly than I can express in type...you have to know me to understand.)
And get to work they did. We spent all afternoon digging that grave. Sifting loose topsoil, heavier soil...and hacking through roots until we reached the impenetrable clay beneath, about 18 inches down.
Pansy scoffed at me when I asked if 18 inches was deep enough. So I grabbed the living dog and brought her out to the hole for purposes of measurement. She was wary. After all, she had discovered the body of her playmate in the garage only that morning. Maude knows what we were going to do to HER! But in spite of the fact that she refused to actually lay down in the hole, it seemed at least plausible that I could fit the dead dog in there.
The flies were already buzzing around her, and she was starting to take on the scent of decay when Pansy and I went outside to carry her to her final resting place.
"Maybe one of us should stand on the other side of the fence," I said. "I feel...wrong...carrying her through the house."
"Aw...we can get her over with both of us on this side," was Pansy's typical bad-ass reply.
"We're going to THROW her over the FENCE?" I questioned, somewhat in awe...
Replied Pansy, "Well, we're going to heft her...in a very respectful manner"
In the end, Pansy went around. She had eyed the hole and thought (and said aloud) "I think we ought to make it deeper."
She got around to the other side, picked up the spade, made a few hacks at the (fucking) clay, to which I snorted "I ain't no fucking WIMP."
She knew when she was beat "OK, let's get her over the fence."
I handed her the body, and she lay it in the shallow grave. We called the children out for the last rights.
"What is typically done," said Pansy "Is you relate a nice memory of the deceased, and then you throw a handful of dirt on the grave."
"I loved her floppy ears."
"I loved her playful, sweet nature."
"I loved her perpetually soft-focus face and big brown eyes."
"I loved the jingle of her collar."
"I loved her smile."
"I hope she is very happy where she is, if she's in the afterlife. And I hope she makes it to the afterlife, where she can be happy."
And so on. And handfuls of dirt. And then I dug the dirt over. And then...I, um, stamped it down.
"Why is the dirt springing back like that?" Asked Lucius, I think believing it was some sort of ghostly charm.
"Air pockets." Pansy and I replied.
And I piled more and more dirt on top until there was little to no dirt left to pile. And then, I stomped again.
"In spite of how this might look," I told the children, "I am NOT dancing on her grave." This was the closest admission of my guilty relief over the final chapter in a long story of the escape-artist dog.
"I want to dance on her grave!" Said one of the children. And he did. And they all did; taking turns.
I went inside the house, and I said to Pansy, "I don't believe she'll be getting out any more."
"Let's hope not." She replied.
Vine Deloria, Jr: (1933-2005)
November 14, 2005
I have no words, so I will let him speak for himself:
"Ideological leverage is always superior to violence....The problems of Indians have always been ideological rather than social, political or economic....[I]t is vitally important that the Indian people pick the intellectual arena as the one in which to wage war. Past events have shown that the Indian people have always been fooled by the intentions of the white man. Always we have discussed irrelevant issues while he has taken our land. Never have we taken the time to examine the premises upon which he operates so that we could manipulate him as he has us." -- "Custer Died for Your Sins: An Indian Manifesto," (1969) pp.251-252
[bad news relayed by bad ger.]
Feeling Private-ish
November 14, 2005
Hey everyone.
For many reasons, I'm feeling sort of private-ish lately...so I will be posting more to my friends-only livejournal than here. I dunno how long I will be feeling this way, or whether or not I will be back here periodically. I mean, in addition to feeling private-ish, I'm also rather busy-ish...so I've had a difficult time finding time to write anything substantial anyway - either here or on livejournal.
I will try to post our fall poems when we have them written. We've been sidetracked by a minor tragedy, but I imagine we will be back on track soon. Along those lines, I'm not going to be specific, but I will say that my little oldest guy has done an excellent job of expressing his emotions, paying attention to his own needs and limitations, and is fortunate enough to have a few very sweet, gentle friends (and, thankfully, one very gifted professional) with whom to discuss his loss. I'm proud of my sweet boy. I'm thankful that he's become such an emotionally intelligent little man...and yet, I'm crushed that I have to discover these things through situations that bring pain and duress.
Nothing we can't overcome. Nothing that will cause any more than the usual spiritual wounds one acquires throughout one's life...but a bump in the road, nevertheless.
I wish I could say more, but...private-ishness reigns supreme.
Take care...
Gratitude - Under the sea version
November 13, 2005
Some things I am grateful for today:
- Unexpected extra time with my children.
- My friend M's crazy-ass birthday parties for her son that feel like absolute hell while I am there, but that I'm sure the children remember fondly throughout the year.
- Having conversations with neighborhood acquaintances, even though through them I discover that everyone is struggling to make ends meet.
- bus adventure sunday.
- co-workers who are musicians and artists - or who are related to musicians and artists.
- Monk making Mosaics in the back room.
- boxes of nice smelling things from friends in Albuquerque.
- Spearhead..."All the freaky people make the beauty of the world."
I hope everyone is having a good weekend.
Friday Random Ten - Disengagement Version
November 11, 2005
Here's my Random Ten today:
- Bikini Kill - DemiRep
- Gray Matter - Fill a Void
- Bran Van 3000 - Une Chanson
- From the Chicago Soundtrack - Cell Block Tango
- Gloria Balsam - Fluffy
- Jesus and Mary Chain - Almost Gold
- Eat Static - Elixir
- Jawbreaker - Softcore
- Cocteau Twins & the Wolfgang Press - I am the Crime
- Cake - Never There
No bonus track today.
Even better than the Sims
November 10, 2005
Who is going to buy me my very own avenging unicorn playset?
I can think of a few people I'd like to skewer.
I Blame the Patriarchy
November 10, 2005
I'm not sure how I missed The Maiden Aunt Explains Patriarchy, because I've been reading twisty every day. You should read it. Because I said so.
And the rich white guy outranks everybody.
Family Matters
November 10, 2005
Lately, I've been carpooling. We have a new instructor at work who lives close to me, so we carpool. It's pretty cool, because I tend to not talk politics (external or internal) with anyone at work, but when you are in a car stuck in traffic for 30-45 minutes a day, talking has to happen. I'm thankful that D and I are fairly compatible politically, so the conversations are nice, informative, mind-expanding rather than irksome and confrontational. Ha! I guess I'm hoping he feels the same way. I'm thankful, at least, that he's a good conversationalist. You really have to be to pull me out of my shell in those situations.
At any rate, yesterday we were driving along and we saw one of the "Family Matters" yardsigns, encouraging folks to vote AGAINST proposition 2 (which would be voting AGAINST amending the constitution...in other words, voting AGAINST writing bigotry and hatred into our state creed. The amendment, by the way, passed. Fuck you, Texas. I hate you and I want you to die.) D is new in town, and I found myself explaining the amendment and the sign to him. He wasn't sure what "Family Matters" meant in relation to the amendment.
I wish I could have read him this post:
I've been thinking tonight about what I'd like to say to you, and as much as my Quaker philosophy tells me to speak to "that of God" in you, I'm having a really hard time. Because this is what I keep coming up with:You Selfish Fucks.
How fucking dare you, especially in the name of God, go so far out of your way to destroy families with parents just as loving as you, with children just as beautiful as yours? How dare you go home tonight, secure in the hundreds--or is it thousands?--of rights, privileges, and obligation that legal marriage gives you, knowing that you've helped deny those rights, privileges and obligations to people who love their partners and love their children and need those rights, privileges and obligations just as much as you do.
What I did tell him (primarily because, for some reason, the topic of ex-spouses fucking with custodial parents (as in, how the legal system is designed, at least at face value, to tolerate this behavior) is primary in my thinking processes these days) was that this amendment is going to enable so much fuckwithitability in the lives of gay families that it makes me want to vomit. Well, I didn't say that EXACTLY...but sort of.
I think Robert said it better.
Fathers, Custody, and Control
November 10, 2005
The Countess has a disturbing post which contains, in full theStatements of Sadiya Alilire and Fatima Loeliger, who have been (to put it absolutely mildly) through the ringer of a custody battle since Fatima was a baby.
I am beginning to see how the abusive relationship plays out in the aftermath of marriage. How having children with someone creates a situation where you are vulnerable to their tactics for as long as the children are under 18. I used to cringe when I heard about mothers allowing fathers to sign away their parental rights, because I felt like that was letting them off the hook. Now, however, I am starting to definitely see the point of the mamas I know who have chosen this option when it was available to them just to avoid the conflict, threat of harassment, and abuse that seems to permeate so many post-break up (whether the couple was married or not) parenting relationships, particularly in a relationship where abuse and control issues were present.
Sadiya and Fatima are a fairly extreme case, however, being threatened with lifelong lawsuits, being overzealously monitored, having to deal with constant unwanted/unneeded advice, being given ultimatums, and living in eternal fear of disruption are frighteningly common things divorced women have to deal with.
It makes me glad that I am parenting with witnesses present. First, because I have a built-in support system to help me overcome the years and years of being told, vaguely, that "I'm not doing it right." ("it" beign anything from parenting to folding laundry). Second, because if any of the threats ever come to fruition, there is no way proof can be offered that would counter my observed and well-documented behavior. I gotta say, it sucks that it has to be that way, but I couldn't have better witnesses.
However, that doesn't make it any easier to think about the women out there who are in these vulnerable situations without chance of escape, or even worse, those who stay in abusive relationships to avoid this altogether, sacrificing themselves and their happiness because the alternative doesn't seem much better.
It's fucking terrorism. I want you to think about that the next time you scoff at a woman who is staying in an abusive relationship. Angry and controlling men are well-practiced in the art of cunning manipulation and terror. The best support you can give to a woman in this situation is to JUST BE THERE FOR HER. Trust that she knows what she is doing. Provide support and counterbalance to the daily assaults (be they verbal, mental/emotional, or physical). Do not judge. Do not run away. Witness for her. It's not easy to do, but it's lifesaving/soulsaving all at once.
Fuck you, Texas.
November 10, 2005
I hate you, and I want you to die.
(I believe I'm going to leave this up at the top of the page for awhile.)
Secede.
November 9, 2005
Travis County Returns:
CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT NO. 2
FOR 40%
AGAINST 60%
Statewide Returns:
CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT NO. 2
FOR 74%
AGAINST 26%
The next page
November 8, 2005
Coley has written a new page to his poem. This page is about the Fuedal age, he says. Evidently, *HE* is aware of my favorite lines in his last poem:
This story is coming true
The dungeon has closed
as god, once again, says "bullshit."
And then - insert sound effect once again
The remainnig living falls asleep
And the dead arises
Anderson*, however, is on horseback
And the sewer comes to life.
Choose your fate
Ice - or - Fire.
Coley's Fall Poem
November 8, 2005
*note: Coley doesn't know how to read, so he was trying to make a fall poem from his memory of our autumn word brainstorming sessions. He evidently spent a lot of time with his friend, Paper Mario, last weekend, as well. Anyway, here it is. I'll let you guess what my favorite lines were:
Paper Mario
Death arises
on the cinammon
corn-on-the-cob
Bicycles arise from the dead
And the god says "Bullshit."
And suddenly, a row of horsemen
run ahead
And then, our foot soldiers
come on, and try to kill them.
And after that
a person named Mario came
and defeated some skeleton troopers.
And then the dungeon arises
(insert sound effects)
And then Mario comes in the sewer.
The darkness arises once again.
The end of the story of Paper Mario.
I would point you to this article, but Robert seems a little too angry and embittered.
November 8, 2005
Just kidding. Well, actually...he does seem a bit angry and embittered. But I happen to like angry embitterment a great deal...it's way better than the snooty entitlement I'm used to reading on male-authored blogs, so I'm going to point you to it, anyway.
Gender-neutral thinking about pregnancy simply reinforces "men" as the default model of "human." If we think of pregnancy as just another medical condition, what we get is not nice, clean, Enlightenment-style equality. What we get is good old-fashioned patriarchal thinking that premises all law and philosophy on the model of men. That is, men are the norm, women are the aberration. Men are that against which all else is to be measured. Men are "normal people." Women are "something different."To see how skewed that is, imagine if it were inverted. What if we woke up one day and women were the legal and philosophical norm, and being male made you an aberration? What if people seriously pissed off about injustice were labeled not "hysterical," but "peosical?" What if pregnancy and childbirth were regarded as innate, human activities/situations, ones literally required for the continuation of human goddamn life on this planet, and not debilitating medical conditions that would earn disability payments were it not for the fact that it was considered self-inflicted? What if the inability to menstruate was seen as a personal liability, and periods and Kotex were as openly displayed and discussed as sneezing and Kleenex?
Bahahaha!
November 8, 2005
Amanda posts a follow up to the article about the IRS investigation of a liberal church:
The IRS refused to comment, but the leader of a local religious political organization that mostly works to rally support around anti-gay rights, anti-abortion rights, and pro-school prayer initiatives said, "We fully support the IRS's investigation. People do not go to church to be filled with anti-Christian messages such as the ones found in the Bible. Church is a place for people to go for spiritual purposes, such as learning to judge your neighbor as you would not tolerate being judged and learning how to agitate politically to get your judgements made into law."
This ought to make Amanda Panda's head explode...
November 7, 2005
Now we're supposed to be tolerant of hate groups:
In the week preceding the Klan’s appearance, local blogs and chatrooms were filled with angry, hateful rhetoric—not from the Klan or other traditional “hate-groups”—but from the supposedly “tolerant” left.
Dear Klan supporters (however psuedo-reluctant you might be):
Cry me a freaking river.
Sincerely,
Drucilla B. Blood
Antiwar Sermon Brings IRS Warning
November 7, 2005
This is scary for a couple of reasons:
In his sermon, Regas, who from the pulpit opposed both the Vietnam War and 1991's Gulf War, imagined Jesus participating in a political debate with then-candidates George W. Bush and John Kerry. Regas said that "good people of profound faith" could vote for either man, and did not tell parishioners whom to support.But he criticized the war in Iraq, saying that Jesus would have told Bush, "Mr. President, your doctrine of preemptive war is a failed doctrine. Forcibly changing the regime of an enemy that posed no imminent threat has led to disaster."
On June 9, the church received a letter from the IRS stating that "a reasonable belief exists that you may not be tax-exempt as a church — " The federal tax code prohibits tax-exempt organizations, including churches, from intervening in political campaigns and elections.
The letter went on to say that "our concerns are based on a Nov. 1, 2004, newspaper article in the Los Angeles Times and a sermon presented at the All Saints Church discussed in the article."
The IRS cited The Times story's description of the sermon as a "searing indictment of the Bush administration's policies in Iraq" and noted that the sermon described "tax cuts as inimical to the values of Jesus."
First, wasn't the Catholic Church all over John Kerry prior to the election?
Second, it casts a pall on the "Best of Austin" Critics Award for Dr. Davidson Loehr:
Minister/Spiritual Leader Dr. Davidson Loehr The minister of First Unitarian Universalist Church might possibly be the Austin faith community’s best-kept secret. Having already authored the thought-provoking and profound Jesus Series, Dr. Loehr delivered an incendiary sermon titled "Living Under Fascism," after the botched 2004 presidential election, and inspired standing ovations in the sanctuary. A Vietnam veteran and former photographer, Loehr strips religion of its rhetoric and offers a clear-eyed look at the issues that divide us today, reminding us that it is possible to have faith and use your brain at the same time.First Unitarian Universalist Church, 4700 Grover, 452-6168
Third, wait...isn't war supposed to be preached against by churches?
I don't get it.
Fuck.
Also, the IRS needs to investigate, you know, GOD...for telling the KKK to tell people how to vote in the upcoming election. God's non-profit status is in serious jeopardy!
[LA Times Link via Prometheus 6]
WNBA Player Is Gay
November 7, 2005
Thanks to Afro Netizen for pointing out This article about Sheryl Swoopes' coming out:
But Swoopes's announcement has been met in the sports press with what the Associated Press correctly described as "a shrug of indifference." San Jose Mercury News columnist John Ryan wrote, "Let's face it: On the list of shocking headlines, 'WNBA player is gay' falls somewhere between 'Romo took steroids' and 'Steinbrenner is angry.' "
I'm not a fan of basketball, so this is news to me. What interests me about this article is the indirectly stated assumption that women in sports TEND TO be gay, so it's no big deal. That's an incredibly sexist assumption right there, on top of all of the rest.
Klan, 14; People With Brains, 3000
November 7, 2005
You heard it right, the paltry Klan of 14 was met by 3000 protestors. The clan was out in support of Proposition 2, or, rather, they were evidently channeling God in support of Prop 2. Redneck Mother had this to say about that:
If re-banning gay marriage is that important to the almighty, why doesn't he just amend the state constitution directly, maybe with some smoke and lightning, rather than leave it to a citizenry that apparently didn't get the memo? Oh, wait. I think I know.
I guess I wasn't aware that God speaks through the KKK.
In case anyone is wondering why I'm obsessed with the Decemberists
November 7, 2005
Here's a little link [video - real player required] that might help you understand.
It just seems like they are having so much fun. Always. I love that.
Plus, I love that the singer laughs when he sings "Meet me on my vast veranda, my sweet untouched Miranda." Because I always laugh when I hear that line, too.
What is your parenting philosophy?
November 6, 2005
That's what was written on the chalkboard in the room at church where the parenting meeting was held. We all had a good laugh about it, because...you know...the parenting philosophy is something that is so often forgotten when you are in the midst of parenting.
And yet, when it came time to talk about what we do as parents, it was clear that all of us did have a philosophy. When it came time for me to explain mine, I was amazed at how easy it was for me to articulate.
Basically, to initiate my portion of the discussion, I was asked a question about homeschooling. I frequently get this when I'm in a room full of non-homeschooling families. First, there's the whole "Oh, I could never do THAT." response, which I always find odd, but whatever. Logistics aside, I personally don't find my lifestyle to be more difficult than anyone else's. We all tend to adapt to whatever we take on or is thrown at us. Then there's the "When do you sleep?" response. Which is sweet and kind of funny. I mean, I sleep whenever any parent sleeps. Plus I have the added luxury of, you know, visitation weekends. (I like to piss off and/or confuse people sometimes by saying that I advocate for divorce solely on the basis of visitation weekends) And, of course, there's the s-word. The socialization question. Which I'm starting to sense is almost like the last line of defense for parents who choose not to homeschool but maybe are feeling like they need to feel guilty about that choice or something.
Philisophically speaking, the educational choices I have made for my family are the result of my lifestyle choices. Or, perhaps, my lifestyle choices are the result of the educational choices. Or, perhaps it's a paradoxical loop, ad infinitum. Either way, the woven strands of lifestyle and education create a whole cloth that berobes our family, the individual strands of which strengthen the whole and dictate the tenacity of the weave.
First, I work at night. Which was actually a decision I made AFTER I had decided to homeschool, but since I love my job, and I feel fairly spiritually aligned with what I am doing as a career, I am loathe to give it up. Therefore, putting my children in school during the day would mean I would either pretty much never see them, or I would have to quit my job. Second, I work. Period. I have to work, and if my children were in school, I don't feel like I would have the same kind of quality parenting time with them at all, even if I did continue to work nights. Particularly when you factor in the visitation weekends. I mean, that's a big one for me, and one I turn around on the questioning parent of a public school child who is expressing admiration for my ability to hold down a job and educate my children at home. It's like, I don't know how *they* do it, either. But they do. As do I. And we deal with the consequences of our decisions, just as we expect our children to deal with the consequences of theirs.
Second, we occasionally travel, and we frequently take field trips during school hours. I would hate to have to confine our activities and our travels to align with the schedule of the public schools.
Third, I parent in a community. Most commonly, this community consists of Pansy and her family, and me and my family. I'm so incredibly thankful for this smaller community, and for all that Pansy and her family have done to make this possible & I'm even more thankful that they see the benefit of co-parenting in this manner as well (it would really suck if Pansy worked as hard as she did to help us out, and felt resentful about it). I honestly feel like parenting with another family has been the healthiest thing I have ever done as a parent and as an adult. I have learned so much from the experience that it's difficult to imagine being the person I am without Pansy & Clay & Lucius & Ava in my life. Both because of who I am, and because of who they are. It is challenging, rewarding, and healing all at the same time. And I think homeschooling is as much about the education of the parent as it is the education of the children. Additionally, my children gain the benefit of having a small group in which to learn how to get along, how to overcome challenges, how to adjust to the challenges that face other people & their inherent diversity, and how to work together to achieve goals. I feel like this experience and this size group with the amount of supervision they get has been extremely valuable to the development of their communication and conflict management skills. And, really, I feel like if you have good communication and conflict management skills, there are almost endless ways you can apply them to be successful. No matter where you end up, or how you define success.
I started my parenting life really identifying strongly with the attachment parenting model. While I still feel that there are many very good ideas within the attachment parenting philosophy, I also feel that, strictly interpreted, attachment parenting puts too much emphasis on the needs of the child (often at the expense of the mother*) and not enough on the needs of the larger community. To some extent*, this is all well and good when the child is newborn until around age 2ish 3ish, but once the child is capable of understanding that there IS a larger community, I believe in a more collectivist approach. Obviously, the progression is gradual and not always executed with precision or perfection - which is why it's called a philosophy rather than "The way things are. Always. All of the time."
At any rate, it was a good discussion. I got to hear about how others handle their parenting issues, vent their frustrations, and make do. I also just really enjoy talking about homeschooling to people who aren't fully aware of what homeschooling is, precisely (or, more accurately, imprecisely) (ha ha). I'm definitely interested in participating in the parenting forum on a regular basis and getting to know more UU parents. Certainly there are more homeschoolers in the church who I can hang with!
*Attachment parenting really sprouted up as a philosophy based on more tribal cultures who tended to have less isolated (more collectivist) lifestyles than we enjoy. I feel like it can be very oppressive to mothers with a traditional American lifestyle to take on attachment parenting - even with a very supportive spouse.
Walkin' to New Orleans
November 5, 2005
Well, actually, I'm driving. Anyone want to join me? I have room for 5-7 adults (depending on how comfortable you want to be) and I should be leaving sometime around Thanksgiving Day (either the day of or the day after). Here's the scoop:
Come lend a hand over the week of Thanksgiving until November 27th. That's less than three weeks away!The folks at Common Ground invite you to join an estimated 300 volunteers from around the continent to converge in New Orleans the week of Thanksgiving.We want to encourage those in attendance to arrive with building & clearning supplies, donated equipment and, if possible, funds that can apply directly to help rebuild and the 9th Ward.
For more information, visit the Common Ground Road Trip for Relief page.
Gah! I just realized the relief party ends ON Thanksgiving. I'm going to see if I might be able to leave the day before. It just depends on work. If I can't, then I am definitely leaving early early Thanksgiving morning or after 9 the night before.
UnGah! I was looking at a stupid October calendar. The relief party continues through the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Which means I will leave either Thanksgiving Day (which I'm hoping would be a good travel day) or the day after. And coming back either Saturday night or Sunday morning...although I'm pretty open to whatever days are best for whoever wants to come with.
Insidious Victim Blaming
November 5, 2005
This afternoon, I was having a silly conversation with a friend about people (men) we would feel comfortable setting our siblings & younger female friends up with. We were choosing from a limited pool of younger men we knew, and one of the men in the pool gives me major red-flashing-light potentially abusive/control issue/serious problems with women warning signals.
I said this to my friend, and she said "Oh, I don't see that the way you do...and, anyway, my sister wouldn't put up with that shit."
This was someone who knows my history with the ex fairly well. Knows what I went through...knows what I am still going through. Needless to say, I was taken aback. Somewhat breathless about it, actually. I was like "You know...I'm not generally the kind of person who would 'put up with that shit' either...and, yet, I DID."
I'm sure it would have sounded judgmental except for the fact that I was also sort of amazed with myself because I KNOW I've heard similar things said about similar situations and felt like "Yeah....all that man needs is a good woman to set him straight."
A good woman. Because, you know, it's the fault of the woman if the man is abusive or controlling. If only she would demand that he not abuse or control her, he would stop. If only *I* had been less submissive/forgiving/enabling/co-dependant (GOD I FUCKING HATE THAT TERM) I would never have been in that situation.
And yet, I was. And, to some extent, I still am. You just don't walk away from that kind of relationship with kids as collateral and also walk away from the control issues and the abuse. I'm having to set and enforce my boundaries time and time and time again. I suppose that's my fault, too.
You know. If I stop to think about all of the subtle, pernicious ways in which we blame women for their own oppression, I think my head will explode. This is a big one, though. So I'm going to say it now to anyone out there who is in a relationship with a controlling or abusive man, and perhaps as a bit of self-affirmation, as well. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT IS ALL ABOUT HIM.
There. I feel better now.
Mama Calendar Call for Submissions
November 5, 2005
Dear people, please pass it on...
call for submissions - the mama calendar
submissions now sought for the 2006 edition of the mama calendar!
straight outta new orleans, against all odds, and by the seat of my pants, the 2006 calendar will hit the presses mid-december.
the mama calendar is a community building-consciousness raising resource by, of, about and for progressive, feminist, activist mamas and their families, friends & allies everywhere. it is a celebration and a call to action, a thing of beauty to last the year.
edited by coleen murphy, the calendar features a blend of photos of mamas, babies, children, dads, and friends, as well as a guide to mama-made zines, alternative parenting resources, recipes, recipes for revolution, great dates in radical mama herstory, and the work of numerous artist/activist/mamas. recent editions have featured ayun halliday, victoria law, laurel dykstra, sonja smith, trula breckenridge and heather cushman-dowdee, among others.
to join the ranks, send your photographs, poems, rants, reviews, recipes, remarks, scrawls, comics, hopes, dreams and etc. by November 21 to
coleen murphy
PO box 741655
new orleans, LA
70174
or via email to coleen at bust.com
prints of images are preferred; digital photos must be black & white and high resolution.
how else can you support the project? beat the mad holiday rush and ensure the future of the mama calendar by ordering yours today! calendars are $12 a piece plus $2 for mailing costs via the above mailing address or via paypal to coleen at bust.com
the 2006 calendars will be mailed out around december 15; in the event that insufficient orders come in, all payments will be refunded at that time.
coleen murphy
new orleans, louisiana
http://supercenter.blogspot.com
The Educational is Political
November 4, 2005
Does Homeschooling have to be political?:
Homeschooling is perceived as a threat by The most powerful interest groups in our society: the educational establishment. That's conventional schools, teachers unions, textbook publishers, educational software people. Now that's a giant you don't want to upset. Really, we didn't mean to waken it. We just wanted to quietly homeschool our kids, just follow our principles and beliefs and let other people follow theirs. Isn't America the land of the free? Shouldn't we be able to do this? But upset the giant we did, big time!In addition, some individuals find homeschooling unsettling. Some teachers, parents, and grandparents don't realize children can learn without attending a conventional school. Some people who believe schools are part of the melting pot fear homeschoolers will undermine this. Some skeptics don't trust parents and claim homeschooled children will be isolated and hidden from public view. Some supporters of public schools fear that homeschooling will deprive public schools of necessary funds or of some of the best students and strongest families.
In other words. Yes. Or else.
Breastfeeding averages
November 4, 2005
Every once in awhile, I like to point out facts that I think most mamas have heard, but some non-mamas might not have even thought about. This little essay is filled with such facts, the gist of which, for those who don't like to read a bunch of stuff, is:
The minimum predicted age for a natural age of weaning in humans is 2.5 years, with a maximum of 7.0 years.
Speaking of Wal-Mart
November 4, 2005
I almost don't want to say this because I'm probably the last person to have heard about it, but I dunno if anyone realizes that Netflix is in bed with Wal-Mart. Damnit.
Does anyone know if there's a service equivalent to Netflix that I can switch to? I have a really nice video store that is actually moving closer to me, but I'm addicted to no late fees, and endless inventory of kid flix and documentaries.
I hear Amazon is trying to do DVD rental...I guess that's slightly better. There are all sorts of price wars going on. But Blockbuster's just not an option for me...and I would actually pay MORE for the service if it was managed by a politically responsible company (wait...is that a total fucking oxymoron? Maybe I just need to start hardcore file sharing.) (I didn't say that out loud.)
Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Price
November 4, 2005
Zeebah pointed me to the website for WAL-MART: The High Cost of Low Price. There are screenings happening all over the place around austin. None of them are during times that I can make it due to work and/or children, but maybe you would like to attend one.
FRT - The Writer's Block Version
November 4, 2005
So named because I can't seem to string together a sentence to save my life this morning:
- Rasputina - mama was an Opium Smoker
- Ryan Adams - Call me on your way back home
- De La Soul - Me, Myself & I
- Dire Straits - Twisting by the pool
- Leonard Cohen - Hey, That's No way to say goodbye
- The Strike - You can Forget it
- English Beat - Save it for later
- Jesus and Mary Chain - Blues from a gun
- Operation Ivy - Artificial Life
- Ella Jenkins - Little charlie just off the pickle boat
No bonus tracks today. I'm going to go lay in bed and wait for my children to arrive.
I don't even know what to call this post.
November 4, 2005
And I really don't even know what to say about it except "brace yourself before reading it."
I think I'm going to need a bigger hard drive.
November 3, 2005
Am I the last person on earth to learn about The Live Music Archive?
Please. Someone. Tell me you've never heard of it before now, also.
Did I mention I love redneck mother?
November 3, 2005
Go read this post. Now.
Pregnancy 2: The test is positive, but the pink line gets lighter with each test until the big bleed begins. I would've never known if I hadn't been testing early. I would've just thought Flo was being extra curse-y. If a machine failed at the outset of a process, someone would try to fix it. But according to my obstetrical crew, this happens 50% of the time or more and that's just the way it is. In our society, any machine with a failure rate that high would be junked. Unless it was a voting booth.
Mama, thanks. Thanks for your wit, your honesty, and your bravery.
Frappr!
November 3, 2005
OK, everyone...represent!...or my feelings will be CRUSHED.
[link via uffish]
Prometheus 6 Looks on the bright side of the Alito nomination.
November 3, 2005
Alito: Look on the bright side | Prometheus 6
Best Letter to Target Ever.
November 3, 2005
Dear Target:Thank you for clarifying your respect for your pharmacists' sincerely held religious beliefs. Your commitment to honoring the beliefs of your team members is inspiring.
Personally, I have been inspired to become a pharmacist and a Christian Scientist. Please consider me for your next opening.
Hit the link...it gets even better.
[link via Robert Arjet]
People I love
November 1, 2005
Beth.
Pansy. (For that post, and because I was late coming home last night, and I called her and she was all cheery and "Oh, no big deal! We're having fun!")
oh, and Amanda.
Just a Quick Note.
November 1, 2005
I totally forgot how fucking good Nick Cave's Murder Ballads is (are?). Damn.
That is all.