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« Just in time for my birthday HINT HINT | Main | Chronic Strap-On Bliss »
Freedom.
December 28, 2005
I've been wandering around at night lately, filled with love and freedom. I think it just recently struck me. Hard. That I am a single woman. And I think my thinking about what it means to be a single mother contemplating "what happens next" on the relationship front has evolved slightly.
I'm pretty sure this time last year...or even like 4 or 5 months ago...I had this crazy idea that I had a responsibility to weigh all potential relationships with men on a scale of parenthood. In other words, every conversation, every crush, every interaction with a potential love interest had to be viewed through the lens of "Will this relationship last FOREVER."
Because we are sold on this idea that all relationships need to last forever to be healthy. I think I'm beginning to understand that this is totally not true and is, in fact, counter-productive...and possibly oppressive, not to mention an impossible ideal to achieve...and, actually, not my ideal at all. We are sold this idea that transition is unhealthy for children. That they can't bear to see their mothers get involved in relationships with multiple men. I call bullshit on that, too. If it's true (and I think it is) that most relationships are transient in nature (with a few very special exceptions) isn't it best to help the children understand that people can come and go and it shouldn't interfere with your perception of love and giving and sharing.
Here's my deal. My mom...never remarried. She barely even dated, as far as I saw. And as much as I hear my friends who are children of divorced parents complain about having to deal with new men in their lives all of the time (and I fully admit that there is a point where it becomes excessive and that, of course, any new person brought into the life of a child should be safe for the child) I think it really hurt me, also, to witness my mom close off a huge part of who she is for...I don't even know what purpose. Perhaps she thought she was sparing me? Perhaps she really did just give up on men (and, based on her experiences, I can't say I blame her, although...I tend to wish she had chosen a more healthy path for her own sake as much as mine.) And for that reason, I don't feel like the other end of the "bringing new men into the lives of the children" is any more acceptable than the other.
What I have gleefully decided is that I am healthy, and because I am healthy, I can count on myself to make healthy choices about who is and is not in the lives of my children. I think at some point, too, I got caught up in this idea that I need to carefully consider my entire future before I give my time to any man...well, any PERSON, really & not waste time with anyone who doesn't fulfill some sort of utilitarian purpose in my life. I cringe to think I actually have said that out loud without even thinking how cruel it is. Superfluous friends are the best! And, anyway, every relationship fulfills a purpose of one sort or other, whether it's directly utilitarian or more esoteric.
Then there is this idea that all relationships need to fit into neat little well-defined boxes. I am having the best time with smashing those boxes lately. My friend David is a perfect example. It has been many many years since I have so utterly adored a man who can make me laugh and smile and think deep thoughts and totally silly thoughts and who is attractive and sweet and kind and wise, and sometimes insanely inappropriate, immature, and outrageous and who I don't feel any need whatsoever to put my hooks into. I have a giant crush on him, and every time I see him I approach him with my arms out like a big monster and/but as soon as my shadow looms over him, I realize how silly everything is, and I just end up patting him on the head rather than smothering him because he is David and I love to watch him unfold. I was thinking about that today, actually. About how huge my love for David is, and why isn't there any angst? And it's because I have absolutely no expectation or need for him to hold up my ego. I just enjoy the hell out of witnessing him moving about the world. He gives me hope. I think everyone should have a David in their life. I've been blessed with many of them along the way. This David is one of my favorites, though. And the coolest part is that I would never be able to fully appreciate David if I was in a relationship right now.
Isn't that funny? It's because of my freedom from love that I can feel so free to Love.
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