Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: January 2006 Archives

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Lived experience versus rhetoric - an open letter to 16 volt.

January 31, 2006

Dear 16-volt dimbulb,

You can attempt to assail my "rhetoric" as much as you desire, but the fact is that this is not a rhetorical blog. When I write about my feelings about love and divorce and relationships and poverty and injustice, I am writing about my lived experiences and my interactions with life, and that cannot be assailed. You cannot know how I feel about a man or all men or any man. And your lack of that knowledge causes your own rhetorical arguments to ring with a dissonance that is deafening to me.

When I started this blog, I wanted to avoid political content except as viewed through the lens of personal experience. Granted, I haven't always done that. Sometimes I immerse myself in media and bring you my impersonal response to politics. But, for the most part, I bring you me here. This is intentional. The good thing is that I've become impervious to people who attempt to assault my status as a human by using my own honesty about my personal situations as a weapon against me. It's actually that very tendency - the tendency for people to invalidate honesty or discourage subjectivity or shun emotion, nurtured by the patriarchy, that is what I am fighting against.

So, you go on raging against your little feminist windmills, dude. I'll keep living, loving, experiencing, and writing about it. With or without your approval. With or without your understanding. With or without your consent. I guess in that way I am ambivalent towards you...but I'm not looking for any validation from you anyway, so I suppose it doesn't matter.

Posted at 9:48 PM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Blogging the State of the Union

January 31, 2006

I'm in the fullbleed chatroom if you want to cuss along with me.

http://fullbleed.net/chatroom/phpMyChat.php3

Oh, whatever with the wrinkly eyebrows and humbly folded hands.

WTF does "continue to lead" mean? Is that an aphorism for "continue to wage endless war."

"no one can deny the success of freedom, but some men rage and fight against it." Who wrote this shit?

Oh, my, fucking, god. This is the same speech as last year. They will bring the battle to our shores. Um. Isn't this getting old? When is he going to start talking about steroid use?

Many, many people are not applauding.

We've "changed our approach to reconstruction" - is this foreboding?

What the fuck ever. Second guessing is not second guessing. Hindsight IS wisdom, if you fucking pay attention to it. Guess what, it's called HISTORY, dude.

The token military guy just rolled his eyes.

He just introduced the Clay family. Will he introduce Cindy Sheehan? Is she there?

Nice evil wink there. Yeah. Dragging out the dead soldier's family really got him some props. Fucking asshole.

Here we go "The same is true of Iran" - Is he building a case here? He's building steam. Fuck.

Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.

"America will continue to rally the world to confront these threats."

Now he's speaking to the citizens of Iran...didn't he do this with Iraq?

Fuck.

What about a free from poverty United States?

Did he just say "expand the education of girls?" WTF?

"by statue." Our president has authority by statue! Evidently, he's been talking to large slabs of marble again.

Quit fucking yelling at me, fucker. I am not a terrorist and you have no right to my privacy.

Hillary laughs, and shakes her head.

Endless war.

Freedom is NOT endless war.

Even the cat is talking back at the television.

MEOW MEOW MEOW george meowfuckmeow Bush!

Wipe that fucking smarmy smirk off yr face. fucker.

This is what the former economy guru has to say about budget cuts. [hat tip to Pansy]

the American Competetitiveness Initiative. Oh fucking great!

Cindy Sheehan was mysteriously arrested prior to the speech. NoicE! [hat tip to spacemom in chat]

"Our greatness is not measured in power or luxuries, but by who we are or how we treat each other."

Violent crime rates are down...but hey! Let's arrest Cindy fucking Sheehan.

HUMAN ANIMAL HYBRIDS? Right, dude. Next he'll be decrying the existence of LIGERS!

Yeah. All we have LEFT is hope.

Leave it in the hand of the Christians, The freaking INVENTORS of stigma, to end the stigma of aids!

"We are in the middle of an ideological conflict we did nothing to invite."

Mr. President. Bite me. The End.

Posted at 8:01 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Where you will find me tonight.

January 31, 2006

With my notebook and my camera. Also, my yo-yo.

First here:

January 31, 2006
Annual State of the Union Bridge Action

5:00-6:30 on the sidewalks of the Congress Ave bridge. People are encouraged to bring signs and be vocal. We may also have a fund raiser immediately following featuring Guy Forsythe.

Then here:

Austin: Austin City Hall (downtown, where S. 1st St. Bridge meets Cesar Chavez) 7:00 pm, Rally with speakers: Laurie Felker, NARAL Pro-Choice Texas (formerly TARAL) Davis Ferris, Adjunct Professor of Government, more TBA
8:00 pm Drown Out Event - (Real time-State of the Union Address)

Join me.

Posted at 12:28 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

I wrote this for you

January 31, 2006

Weird how the whole world seems to be sliding to shit. Coretta Scott King has died. Last night in my bed, red-rimmed eyes. He reaches out. Is it fear, confusion, or lack of knowledge. How can I not? How can he? Love exists within us all. I know that it is fluid and can penetrate and/or wear down even the hardest stone walls. I will attempt to teach as I was taught. I will attempt to heal as I was healed. And in the teaching and the healing, I will learn and heal myself. I touch, and in touching, I am touched. The privilege is in the touching - the nerve endings are in the fingers. And in loving, I am loved. Openly and unrelentingly.

You don't owe me anything.

But this world outside is another matter. The children play, oblivious. I try to not think too hard. Revolution is inevitable - somehow it starts internally and radiates outward. Calm and centered, I become more and more conservative as I become more and more radical. Focusing on truth. Walking the dog. Doing the dishes. Cooking a meal. Loving utterly, completely, fully this life and all who trespass here.

Coley comes into my room in the morning. Snuggles up to me. Snuggles in to me. I love him. He is dear. He loves me. Mama. The form and the function. I am mama. Form and Function. Sometimes it takes a radical shift to appreciate the most basic things. Hanging laundry. Looking at leaves. The line of blue sky against bare-tipped branches. The curve of a lip. Eyelashes. Fingernails. The sound of your breath. A dog's nose. All of these reveal entire miraculous ecstatic eternal wisdom.

I love you because you are you. I love you because I am me. I love you. Because. Thank you.

Posted at 12:09 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Unschooling on CNN

January 30, 2006

Did anyone watch the CNN segment on Unschooling last night? Did anyone happen to tape it? How badly did they hack it?

Judging from this article, it could have gone either way.

Posted at 10:47 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Monday Morning Bloghopping.

January 30, 2006

It's been awhile...so let's see what everyone on ye olde blogroll is talking about:

Ms. Pansy is back. I was dismayed when she mentioned she might not blog again, but I'm pleased that she might have found a way to use the space.

Red Head Dread posted about Sundown Towns in an adult book review last week. I meant to link it up then, but I didn't really have a place to do it at that point.

Did you hear that r@d@r is a papa now? So is Burning Door. Go wish them and their spouses a hearty congrats. But don't make too much noise!

For your lesson in anthropology, Jason Godesky talks about forced sustainability and The Kwakiutl.

Small Hands celebrated a birthing day last week.

Mquest posts a series of snow day photos, accompanied by eco-centric quotes, and they are wonderful. Except the permalinks don't work. So just look for the photos from January 29th or visit his flickr page.

Janine responds to the 7 things meme. I'm adding her reads to my book list!

The suspense is killing me.

Five Blue talks about the Canada election. Permalinks aren't working, but if you scroll down to posts from Jan 23 & Jan 24, you will see.

Badger links up this nifty Blog Cloud tool. Here's my blog cloud:
image.php.jpg

No one else is posting to randomwalks, so y'all are stuck with this. (Did I mention that DJ and Adam are my heroes?)

Richard posts about independent places of learning, which pretty much cements my commitment to attend the Historians Against War conference here in Austin. Howard Zinn is the keynote speaker! If anyone wants to sponsor my registration, feel free to hit the paypal link. I promise I will bring my gigantic laptop with me and blog all about it.

And, on that note, it's time for me to hang out with the kiddos!

Posted at 9:01 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Nerds of a Feather.

January 29, 2006

You know...I am the biggest fucking hypocrite on the face of the planet. After that nice post last night about always looking on the bright side of things, I woke up today surly as all shit and I swear I did not say a single kind word to my kiddos all morning. Then I dragged them out to the Lunar New Year celebration and while I enjoyed the festivities, I continued on my bitch rampage until well past the time when we arrived home.

It was the word fuck that saved me. I just started talking to Monk in Dude speak, and cussing a lot in a silly way, and we laughed and laughed while I uploaded pictures onto my flickr account. Then both boys came to snuggle in the bed. I apologized for being a major butt, and everyone was happy again.

But, damn...I hate it when I can't apply my Rules For Getting Along With Others to my own fucking kids, you know? I feel like such an ass, even when we do make up.

And I realized, too, that I haven't been concentrating on them enough. I've been distracted. The distraction has been nice, but it's really time to get down to some decent parenting here - especially considering the situation we are in and all of its inherent stresses. Monk's such a sweet kiddo, but he's getting older, and if I don't start really focusing on the foundation of our relationship, I'm going to end up with a Teenager Who Doesn't Talk To Me. And that would suck. Really hard.

And, also, I realize that in my endless pursuit for family I tend to forget that I have plenty of family right here with my guys. It's silly to seek after something that I have no control over when I could be building that connection and strengthening those ties right here with the people who need me the most and mean the most to me. Not that I've neglected them in my pursuits, but in spite of the fact that I want to build myself up to be Ms. Merry Sunshine, I think there's a part of me that gets really depressed about and fed up with being a single parent. And while I'm not actually actively pursuing a parenting partner right now, I think I do exert a lot of energy attempting to find a place for myself where I am wanted - without fully considering where I am truly needed. If that makes any sense.

So, when Coley went to bed, I turned to Monk and I said "Dude...let's watch that documentary about whales!"

He was giddy, and I laughed at him. I said "We are SUCH nerds to get all excited about watching a documentary! The second this weekend! It's like a nerd DATE, dude!"

And Monk leaned in conspiratorily and said "Next time, to be extra nerdy, we should watch a NOVA video...about BEES!"

"Noway, dude! That's, like, extra SUPER nerdy." Says I.

Monk responds "Dude...I've SEEN it!"

And we laugh.

I guess we're going to be OK after all.

Posted at 11:08 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

new photos up on flickr

January 29, 2006

Including, for those who expressed an interest, my 1987 yearbook photo. I don't often yearn to be young and beautiful again...but this picture makes me wish I would have maybe used my cuteness to my advantage more than I actually did. Damn you, teen angst and self-loathing!

Also, lots of pics by coley, a couple of self-portraits AND pictures of the lunar new year celebration. Yay!

Posted at 8:11 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

The Kids are Alright

January 29, 2006

Coley woke me up this morning by coming into my room and giving me a scalp massage. I opened my eyes, and he said "I LOOOOOVE you, mama." He almost always wakes up in a cheerful mood. I think I trained him to. Did I ever tell you about the time in my life (oh, about 2 years of it...maybe even 3. I've really kind of blocked it out.) when the baby Cole used to stay up all night screaming, and how many times I had to restrain myself from throwing that child out the window as I, coley in sling, paced around the living room so tired I thought I would fucking drop dead from exhaustion while my ex slept, locked away from all of that inconvenience - or even sat in the rocking chair in the living room, watching me...and the only thing I could do to keep myself from throwing myself off the top of the nearest tall building was to wake up every morning with my moody babe-in-arms, carry him outside in the sling I was perenially bedecked in - no matter what the weather - and, as sincerely as I could muster...usually through tears and with trembling voice - say "Look, Coley...another beautiful day."

Did I ever tell you about the first thing I remember Coley saying when he would wake me up after he learned how to talk? He would roll over in bed, place his little hands on either side of my face, and when my eyes would open, his little face would be all seriously grinningly earnest and he would say "Mama! Wake up! It's another beautiful day!" I'm pretty sure I burst into tears the first time he did this. I thought "I trained him to do that, and if I can train HIM, I can train myself. It might take a little longer, but I'm going to do it."

It's true.

And last night, Monk. I managed to find a babysitter for Cole (thankyouthankyouthankyou Megan!) so I took my little Monkeyman out on a date to see a political documentary at Spiderhouse. We ate frito pie and he drank orangina and read his book. He said the Orangina wasn't as good as he remembered, and the Frito Pie was "not bad, but not that great" (I thought it was delicious) and when the movie was over, he said "It wasn't as good as I was expecting it to be." But somehow he said all of these things without descending into self pity. He ATE the chili. He DRANK the Orangina. He sat PATIENTLY through the movie (even though it was way over his head and most of it was in Spanish with subtitles.) And then he acknowledged his feelings about it and we moved on.

Some kids are more prone to drama than others. In ways, that's actually healthier (even though it is a huge pain in the ass to deal with.) I have the seesaw of Monk and Cole, where Monk tends to hold things in too much and Cole tends to dwell to what I feel is an excessive degree. Encouraging them to find that middle ground is good. I'm as alarmed and dismayed when I hear my children say "I shouldn't cry about things" as I am when they throw a screaming fucking temper tantrum. Perhaps moreso - even though the thought of them never crying again can sometimes sound appealing.

We've been working with all of the kids on this. It's a fine line to walk with them. You don't want to teach kids to supress their feelings, but you also don't want people crying their eyes out over a broken stick (which, believe me, has happened). So the trick is to allow them to acknowledge their feelings, encourage them to release, and then convince them to let go. It's pretty fucking awesome to witness this learning process. I think it's such a healthy way to deal with emotions, and I wish someone had taught me how to do it sooner. I think it's a lesson we all can benefit from.

Posted at 8:30 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

True Sounds of Liberty

January 29, 2006

It seems appropriate that I should choose Beneath the Shadows to accompany me on tonight's walk. This pre-hardcore TSOL release served as a soundtrack to some of my favorite years of days long ago, in which people who are currently resurfacing played such a large part in the drama of my life.

People resurfacing seems to be a theme. We watched Whale Rider yesterday, after having read the book to my kiddos over the past month or so. I love the part where she resurfaces -and just...lets go. And lives. Isn't that strange? The most frightening things we can think of can just happen, and then we let go and live.

I've been enforcing boundaries lately with my kids. The living situation here, while wonderful, is hard for me. I have to remember that it affects me. I have to remember who I fundamentally am, and what my experiences have shaped in me. One of the things I fundamentally am is really hugely fucking shy. Like, as in "I really need to go hide from everyone" shy. Sometimes I forget that. This living situation has reminded me why I called myself the Oyster all those years ago. I can be in mid-conversation with someone, and I'm halfway walking towards the door, ready to shut myself away. It's no one's fault. It just is. So I told my kids "listen, you guys need to knock before you come into my room. Because your mommy really really really loves people, but she also really really really needs privacy and time to herself in order to fully express the love she feels for people."

It's great how having kids - and to some extent, having roommates - forces you to verbalize the things that can become unconscious behaviors. Saying that out loud explained some of my more roller-coastery moments over the past few weeks. Explained my feelings of terror and my urges to flee. I need to remember that I have the ability to make that choice, gently. To let myself be by myself. And that just because I have the urge to flee does not mean that I am angry or hurt or even sad, but that I just need to recharge in order to fully express my love for everyone.

Today, I've been thinking about letting go. And living. I've been thinking a lot about joy and sorrow, and how odd it is that when I feel that razor edge that separates the two extremes in my life, I am propelled towards joy. On the verge of tears, I found popcorn tofu, and flirted recklessly and charmingly with the deli counter person & wasn't even embarrassed when my overzealousness resulted in a spilled ramiken of vegan dill mayo. Then I flirted some more with the checkout person. She told me she found it appalling that all of the qualities on the magnet that described Saggitarians that her co-workers had stuck to her booth (she being a sag) were negative traits. I told her I found those traits to be absolutely endearing. And smiled, thinking of some of my favorite Saggitarians, and how those traits were so endearing in my experience of them. And suddenly the gulf between my joy and my sorrow widened, and I wasn't in any danger of plunging to the depths.

Isn't that funny?

Later in the day, I came home and Pansy and I snuck away and locked ourselves in my room with the popcorn tofu and ate it all up without sharing ANY of it with the children. And we laughed and laughed and laughed about stupid stuff. And talked about how the happiest people are also the saddest people. And how silly it is to wallow or dwell in that sadness when it laps right up against the shores of happiness. Why not just say fuck it all and just be fucking happy? Which is what I do. And it was funny, because I realized my tendency to redirect myself - to right myself - actually is a direct result of the hellishness I endured in my relationship with L. And, while it probably contributed to my staying in that relationship a lot longer than maybe I should have, it also gave me a tremendous talent for finding the good in any situation and riding that good into Actual Goodness.

And I realized that I am absofuckinglutely broken, and posifuckinglutely invincible. And, too, I'm learning that everyone is broken - so why cry over your own disrepair when there are so many people to bring cheer to? Including deli counter girls and cashiers and people in bands and dear sweet friends.

Which brings me to the soundtrack. I'm taking a trip to Chicago in March, so I've set about getting back in touch with various old friends. I do this a lot. I lose people and refind them. It feels like I spend my entire life doing this, actually. And I'm always amazed when I rediscover how fucking awesome my friends are, and always have been. JS tells me he sees people as "energy and movement" - and he's taking lots of photos again. I adore him. I always have. PK says she has taken up cooking as a therapeutic pastime. The thought of sharing a kitchen with her for an afternoon makes me want to squeal with delight! Gardner is just always Gardner, and I love him so much I want to reach through the phone lines and pinch him. So many great stories. I am brimming. And that's just three out of the many I wish to recontact. I can't wait for more. If Mr. Raven decides to come out from California while I'm there, I Might possibly EXPLODE.

All of these people are my Friends, and they have all been surrogate family at certain points in my life. And, you know what? To some degree, they have all witnessed, participated in, and even caused so much fucking sorrow in my life that it's almost incomprehensible. And yet...all I can think about is the joy of having known them...of still knowing them. I feel like the luckiest fucking person on the face of the planet when I think about the people who have shared themselves with me. And that makes all of the vulnerability I feel in all of my current relationships with people seem so precious and wonderful. Years from now, I will look adoringly upon the people who are in my life right now and remember all the shit we went through, and I will smile.

Posted at 12:57 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Two words. Well, Four.

January 28, 2006

Wheatsville co-op. Popcorn Tofu.

Can I get a HELL YEAH?!

Oh my freaking god, this stuff is so freaking tasty. I think the deli person thought I was freaking stoned, I was so excited about it. hahahaha.

Also, is anyone going to see this film at Spiderhouse tonight? I'll be there with my kids, provided it is not raining. If anyone wants to come and buy me a "congratulations on the new domain name" coffee, that'd be great! Or, you could buy Monk an Orangina. He'd like that.

Yay Austin!

Posted at 12:49 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Grey.

January 28, 2006

Now that I have the new space, I can't think of the five hundred gazillion things I thought "I need to blog that" about through the week.

Oh well, because it's grey and rainy outside and the kids are all gathered around the warm glow of Saturday Morning Cartoons and all I want to do is curl back up in my nicesmelling bed and snuggle with someone or at least my pillow because my laundry is out on the line all wet with rain and I am inside all ripe with lavender and warm thoughts and sweetness and instead, though, I need to get dressed and go to work.

Blah.

Rainy days after so much fucking annoying sunshine should be automatic days off.

Damnit.

Posted at 10:23 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Moved!

January 27, 2006

Yay! Comment if you've made the leap, and please change your links to reflect the new url: http://drublood.com

Posted at 11:42 AM • Comments (23) • TrackBack

Moving!

January 20, 2006

This blog will soon be moving to a fancy schmancy new host and will have a fancy schmancy new domain name. I won't be posting this weekend, so prepare to change your fancy schmancy links.

thx! mwah!

Oh, PS...in case something happens that I can't keep my big mouth shut about, you can find me temporarily at fullbleed.net/drublood.

Posted at 5:43 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Friday Random Ten - Version Full Weekend Ahead.

January 20, 2006

Lots of stuff planned this weekend. I wonder what the soundtrack will be like.

Sonic Youth - Green Light
De La Soul - Me, Myself and I
Jimmy Cross - I Want My Baby Back
Violent Femmes - I Held Her In My Arms
Nick Cave - Red Right Hand
PJ Harvey - A Perfect Day Elise
Cletus - Somewhere Down The Road
New Order & Depeche Mode - Bizarre Love Triangle
Eastern Dub Tactic - Brothers and Sisters
Portishead - Sour Times (Nobody Loves me)

Posted at 11:07 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Jan 19 news & blog roundup

January 19, 2006

(because I refuse to use the phrase "blog dump")

Mr Morales has said in the past that one of his priorities will be to seek more rights for Bolivia's indigenous majority.
"Here, the indigenous people will be ministers," he said on Wednesday.

"Someone said that when we Quechuas and Aymaras were in government we'd make a ministry for white people, but we won't discriminate."

[source]

***

"The Voyage" is a nice introduction to the concept of saving face and sparing feelings. But it’s also about navigating a system you don’t need, one that actually slows you down in order for other people to do their jobs. It’s about other people not believing that you can actually accomplish something for yourself, about misguided good intentions and wasted time. It’s about bureaucracy in general and, viewed through my lens, school in particular.

I look back on my own institutional-school career in the honors program at a series of exemplary public schools and I see mostly boredom, bureaucratic hoops that had to be jumped through, and oceans of wasted time. Rules are rules. What you as an indivudal may need or can do is neither here nor there in a system devoted to itself.

[source] (I really need to start posting to the homeschool blog)
***

Scientists believe that new habitats for butterflies are early effects of global climate change -- but that isn't news, by most people's measure. Neither is declining rainfall in the Amazon, or thinner ice in the Arctic. We can't see these changes in our personal lives, and in that sense, they are abstractions. So they don't grab us the way a plane crash would -- even though they may be harbingers of a catastrophe that could, quite literally, alter the fundamentals of life on the planet. And because they're not "news," the environmental changes don't prompt action, at least not in the United States.

[source]
***

Nigeria's government is planning a specific ban on same-sex marriages, with five years in jail for anyone who has a gay wedding or officiates at one.
Information Minister Frank Nweke told the BBC the government was taking the "pre-emptive step" because of developments elsewhere in the world.

[source] (Looks like we're exporting pre-emption and hatred quite well! If we could only charge some sort of tax on that, we'd be set!)
***

The Italian government has announced that it will pull its troops out of Iraq by the end of the year.

[source] ***

Iran is the regional superstate. If ever there were a realpolitik demanding to be "hugged close" it is this one, however distasteful its leader and his centrifuges. If you cannot stop a man buying a gun, the next best bet is to make him your friend, not your enemy.

[source] ***

The official Vatican newspaper published an article this week labeling as "correct" the recent decision by a judge in Pennsylvania that intelligent design should not be taught as a scientific alternative to evolution.
"If the model proposed by Darwin is not considered sufficient, one should search for another," Fiorenzo Facchini, a professor of evolutionary biology at the University of Bologna, wrote in the Jan. 16-17 edition of the paper, L'Osservatore Romano.

"But it is not correct from a methodological point of view to stray from the field of science while pretending to do science," he wrote, calling intelligent design unscientific. "It only creates confusion between the scientific plane and those that are philosophical or religious."

[source] [via]
***

and, finally...

If Wal-Mart were a state, it would rank 39th in population, right behind Nebraska -- and that doesn't include the dependents of the company's 1.7 million employees.
This company doesn't negotiate discounted prices from suppliers of everything from panties to popcorn; it mandates them. Wal-Mart makes unions tremble and politicians swoon. It could grab a health-insurance provider by the throat, shake it a few times for effect, then swing the sweetest healthcare coverage deal in the universe.

But why should it, when it can pass its health-insurance costs to taxpayers?

[source]

Posted at 10:02 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

A follow up to last night's "falling apart" post.

January 18, 2006

Spending a day with seven children tends to cause a lot of reflection. In this case, I was thinking about my reaction to the events of last night that were vaguely alluded to in my earlier post. I think I need to give myself and my unwillingness to respond to people in the moment a lot more credit than I have. I have learned that it's best to allow people a day or so to think about their situation before addressing how it affects me, and I have found that this is generally a wise thing to do. It's important to note the subtle way in which people come back to events and address issues that were left hanging. It's crucial to respect that, and to give people a chance to "come to" in their own time and make decisions independent of my own bullshit reactions to their actions. Processing emotions too quickly can cause an endless chain of defensiveness and reaction without any hope of resolution. We are all putting the pieces together slowly, and we have time to figure it out together.

For my part, however, I feel like there's a certain amount of narcissism in my unwillingness to trust my own instincts about things. It might seem like anti-narcissism, but it really is just the ego in a different form entering into my interactions with people. The need to seek advice from people, and the tendency I have to trust others' wisdom more than my own is not necessarily the most healthy way of going about things. Although it is good to seek, be receptive to, and process the insight of others, ultimately I need to trust that I make good decisions. I do. And I'm getting better and better at trusting this, but there is still, obviously, some work to do. In the interim, I'm asking for validation from people to a greater degree than is necessary...and sometimes the divergence in feedback that I get from what I know to be true negatively impacts my self-image. The truth is somewhere in between. And I can't blame those who are offering their wisdom, because I am fortunate to have relationships with people who are gentle in their approach and (because I make wise choices about those who I spend my time with) truly are concerned about my well-being...it is, instead, the way I internally and externally react to this wisdom that I need to be careful of. I need to be careful to not invalidate my own process by being overly reliant on the advice of others.

Anyway, this is all stuff that has been going through my head as I have spent the day bouncing from one conflict to the next between the children and the others in my care today. There's probably more to it than that, but my brain is now tired and needs a rest. Ha!

Posted at 3:51 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Changes afoot at drublood

January 18, 2006

Hey everyone,

There are some changes brewing here in drublood blogland. The site is being moved to a different server and will end up with a different url, so be prepared to change yr linky links!

Also, if anyone is interested in donating a couple of bucks to cover server costs and the new domain, that would be fab. You can hit the paypal link on the sidebar. I've already paid my wonderful hosts, but I'd like to give them extra for all of their help over the past 3 years or so.

Thanks & Take care!

Posted at 3:09 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Relationships in the post-children apocalypse

January 18, 2006

I remember when it first became apparent that I was breaking up with L, and I would soon be joining the ranks of single mothers everywhere. I was on the phone bumming and mulling with my friend Gar, and I moaned "Who on earth is going to date a woman with two children and a deaf dog?"

I don't remember how Gar responded to that. Gar's always been good about pumping me up, though. He probably said something like "Buck up, buckaroo - you don't need no stinking man, anyway." Honestly, it really doesn't matter what he said so much as the fact that I was so certain that my status as a mother and caretaker was a negative/burdensome thing that there would be no way that anyone would be able to overlook that and see what I have to offer instead of what I might potentially take away.

In fact, I was so relieved when I started hanging out with J, before we were dating, that he had an ease with the children. The fact that he viewed them as an asset was one of the reasons I found him so attractive. Here was an opportunity to overcome my fear that I would have to live a secret life of a mama while surreptitiously dating men during visitation weekends and, ostensibly, living a double life. Disconnecting my mamahood from my womanhood, I suppose, is one way to deal with the conundrum of dating within the confines of single parenthood.

Things with J worked out well for awhile. He was enthusiastic about me AND the children. But the children are full-on. And, as well, they require consistent presence if you are to be open to seeing the full breadth of who they are. Seeing the children once or twice a week gives a warped representation of what it's like to be with them - for the better or for the worse. Eventually, J's enthusiasm for them waned. He spent less and less time with them, making the time he did spend with them more intense and, I think, fraught. Until, finally, I couldn't deal at all. It was either he not see them at all, and I take on the aformentioned double identity...or he gradually disappear from our lives entirely, which I guess is what he chose.

Over the past few months, no fewer than 3 male acquaintances of mine have told me they would never date a woman with children. Now, this statement was not directed at me as a form of rejection, as to my knowledge, dating is not really on the table with any of these 3. and I don't think it was intended to be mean or insensitive, either ("intentional insensitivity" - now THERE'S an interesting concept) but each time it was said, I felt...well...slapped.

I mean, of course my self-soothing internal dialog went something like "Whatever, dude...your loss." But there's more to it than that. I mean, I don't have a lot of time in my life for superfluous friendships, so generally the people I spend time with are people I greatly admire, find worthy, and share commonality with. So to hear them say that they would reject me because of my status as a parent is not something I take lightly - because it probably means that potential love interests might do the same.

But also, regardless of whether my relationship to someone (and, it's ironic that it's my male friends who express a resistance to relationships to women with children) is platonic or romantic, it's short-sighted for someone to say such a thing to me. Either way, these men and my relationship with them are benefitting from my experience as a mama. Whether I am dating someone or not & whether my children have a presence in the relationship or not, what I bring to the table in any relationship I am in is me - a woman with children. And while I don't feel that I overly identify as "someone's mom" I certainly can't be divorced from that reality. Having children has, in large part, shaped who I am. Anyone who loves and appreciates me today loves and appreciates me based on those experiences. There is, of course, the basic stuff out of which I am made, but even my physical body has changed its shape and texture to accommodate all of the internal growth I have experienced before, during, and after childbirth. Twice.

So, I have to wonder when a man (or, really, anyone I know) says something about putting any sort of barrier between himself and the experience of children (be it some hypothetical dating partner's or my own) whether that may be a way to cling to who they are and to resist change and reshaping. I also do have to wonder whether someone can truly appreciate who I am without honoring my mamahood.

It reminds me of the time I was in the middle of cooking a snack for my cricket & I asked him to take out the compost. He quipped that he was my surrogate husband, and I retorted that if he was my surrogate husband, he would be sitting on the couch smoking a bowl. And, anyway, if he was my surrogate husband, what the fuck was *I* who was in the middle of making him the 3rd or 4th meal in as many days?

Now, we all know how much I love me some cricket, but it's true. His experience of me is an experience of a woman who has children and who brings my mamaness into every interaction. He can take that for granted because I enjoy his adult presence in my life, even when he's acting like a little bug. But while he can't ask me to separate my mamaness from my womanness, he CAN choose to divide himself from my life as a mama and hog all of my mamaness to himself...and then make remarks like the above when asked to consciously take on household responsibilities.

Fundamentally, the statement "I would never date a woman with children" like most absolutist statements, says more about the person saying it than anyone toward whom that statement is directed. What I'd like to hear from my male friends...or perhaps what I *am* hearing underneath that statement is "I see from my relationship with you that children require a great deal of [whatever it is that person feels they lack, be it stamina, patience, love, self-acceptance, sanity, nurturing, etc] and I admire that you have that. I'm so afraid that I can't develop those skills/attributes/whatever that I feel like it's easier to avoid the situation entirely, rather than face my fears and attempt to undertake the thing(s) that I fear most."

Which, ultimately, is what relationships require us to do, anyway. Whether they are romantic or not. Whether children are present or not.

Posted at 10:02 AM • Comments (7) • TrackBack

Everything that keeps me together is falling apart

January 18, 2006

I think the most difficult thing about the living situation here, for me, is finding out all of the ways in which I fall short of what I want to be. It's easy to convince myself I'm purt-near perfect when I'm here all by myself with my children. However, being thrust into situations where I have to be present with a wide variety of other people, both children and adults, and I actually have to try not to show my ass so much is really. fucking. hard.

I'm discovering I have little neuroses I didn't realize I had. I have a tendency to run and hide, for one thing. I have a tendency to keep things to myself. In a conversation I had this evening I was told I have a tendency to be passive, and to not protect myself. These things are all true. I am the queen of cave, and my power lies in the fact that, in spite of what readers of this blog might see, I keep my cards squeezed tight against my chest. In fact, upon reflection, it might even be true that the closer I am to someone, the less open I become. It's too painful, so I clam up.

However, these are all tendencies that can only be overcome by exposing them to the light of experience. Forcing them, even. Forcing my hand. I've been working on this with myself...little by little. It's actually a small miracle I was able to have a conversation with a friend that involved enough depth for the feedback about my passivity to be given. I told my friend that this would probably result in me running away from him out of fear of overexposure. He claims he won't hurt me. We'll see about that, says the ever-watchful eye. Hey, miracles - even small ones - don't happen overfuckingnight.

I find it interesting that changes in rhythm and patterns can cause so much upset in people. In a selfish mood, I consider that it's all about me - that I am the only one with the neuroses. When I open my eyes and see clearly, I realize that we are all broken, and true community and true friendship and true love seeks to recognize the brokenness in all of us and attempts to work with that rather than taking it personally and recoiling. Today was the first day of the new rhythm. I feel like it worked well, and I'm going to dance to it. That means I need to get some sleep so I can start fresh again tomorrow and see if we can get everyone up on their feet this time.

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Yearbooks

January 17, 2006

It didn't take much encouragement for me to take the yearbooks down from their high shelf and show them to Cricket yesterday. It had been awhile since I perused them last, and I was pleasantly resurprised by them.

The thing is...we need an adult version of the yearbook. Maybe we should start a "yearblog" meme, where everyone goes to everyone else's blog and writes one of those super cheesy but super sweet yearbook type comments like: It's been a great year, I really love your style, you are a true original and very sweet!" Because, and maybe I'm just a huge hairy cheeseball, but reading over those little comments in my yearbook made me feel...well, good somehow. Even though I was hardly friends with any of those people, it was sweet of them to find something nice to say about me.

So, yeah...it's been fun reading through them. Also, I had the BEST HAIR EVER in my junior year picture. It's probably the cutest picture of me ever taken. I think I'm in love with myself! hahahahahhahahaha.

Posted at 10:35 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

New Photos on Flickr

January 15, 2006

I just dumped this week's photos onto my flickr page, including some really cute shots by coley, like this series of pictures where Spidey is flying through the streets of Austin.

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Jan 15, 2006 News & Blog roundup

January 15, 2006

"Because these particles have come from inside a comet we know that essentially the particles haven't been heated since they became part of the comet, because the comet is made of ice," he told the BBC News website.
"That means that they contain information about the conditions that were present when they were incorporated into the comet.

"That time was four-and-a-half thousand million years ago, back when the Solar System formed, so what we hope to know from these particles is essentially what the Solar System looked like at that time, and essentially what we're all made of."

[source]

***

Ummmmm, I don't think he was exactly their idea of a "patriot" either:

While some say the flyover will provide a patriotic flair to the march during a time of war, others say it will represent support for the war — something King would not approve of.
The Rev. Herman Price, chairman of the city's MLK Commission, said the flyover was meant to honor King, and he is dismayed by the divisiveness it has caused.

"It all depends on how you look at it," Price said Thursday. "They say the planes represent war and bombs and death, but at the same time those planes can also represent our freedom and peace."

But City Councilwoman Patti Radle, who objected to the flyover in a letter to the editor in Wednesday's Express-News, doesn't see it that way.

"War is a different system working for peace. Martin Luther King was not part of that system," she said.

City Councilwoman Sheila McNeil, whose district includes the march route, contented the flyover is exactly what King would have wanted.

"I think that the military plays too significant of a role in our community for us to ignore them and not include them in this march," she said. "They are the reason why we have peace, and this is MLK's peace march."

Let's see what the man himself had to say about war:

Well, theres: "The chain reaction of evil--wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation." ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

And then there's "Perhaps a new spirit is rising among us. If it is, let us trace its movements and pray that our own inner being may be sensitive to its guidance, for we are deeply in need of a new way beyond the darkness that seems so close around us.

Over the past two years, as I have moved to break the betrayal of my own silences and to speak from the burnings of my own heart, as I have called for radical departures from the destruction of Vietnam, many persons have questioned me about the wisdom of my path. At the heart of their concerns this query has often loomed large and loud: Why are you speaking about the war, Dr. King? Why are you joining the voices of dissent? Peace and civil rights don't mix, they say. Aren't you hurting the cause of your people, they ask? And when I hear them, though I often understand the sources of their concern, I am nevertheless greatly saddened, for such questions mean that the inquirers have not really known me, my commitment or my calling. Indeed, their questions suggest that they do not know the world in which they live." [source]

And then there's: "He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it." -Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr

Aw, fuck it. Just see if you can find anything on this fucking PAGE of quotes that indicate that the good Doctor would be the SLIGHTEST bit OK with having a military presence at a celebration that has anything to do with him.

Fucking people. GodDAMN.

***
In the "What the fucking Goddamn HELL?" department:

Hundreds of thousands of poor Americans have had their tax refunds frozen and their returns labeled fraudulent, according to the IRS's taxpayer advocate, Nina Olson. Testifying before Congress this week, Olson said the average income of these taxpayers is $13,000. Olson and her staff sampled the suspected returns and found that, at most, one in five was questionable.
The poor citizens are seeking refunds under the Earned Income Tax Credit, a Reagan program to help the working poor. The total possible tax fraud amount involved in these returns is $9 billion — compared to the $100 billion problem with fraud by small businessmen who deal in cash. That's the kind of shrewd administration we've come to expect from the Bushies. Olson points out it is not only unfair, but also a waste of time. Meanwhile, mind-boggling sums in taxes are being evaded by those at the other end of the income scale.

***
I could say so many things about this quote:

A longer life doesn't necessarily mean a healthier life, however. While men succumb to fatal illnesses like heart disease, stroke, and cancer, women live on with non-fatal conditions such as arthritis, osteoporosis, and diabetes. "While men die from their diseases, women live with them," Perls comments.

But I'll refrain. The article is interesting, though. Sort of referred via Philobilon.

***

The thing is, we'd have to ensure the money wouldn't go to feed the fucking war machine:

Kevin Phillips and Jeff Gates have also urged that wealth taxation must now be put on the American agenda. Robert Kuttner adds that a wealth tax is “by definition, the most progressive way to raise revenue, since it hits only the very pinnacle of the income distribution.” Even Donald Trump a few years ago proposed a one time net-worth tax of 14.25% on Americans with more than $10 million in assets.
Economist Edward Wolff points out that European practice offers a range of practical options—with most imposing a tax between 1 and 2.5 percent and all exempting a reasonable amount of wealth for those not among the top groups. One recent estimate is that if the upper range of such taxes were implemented in the United States, they might yield up to $450 billion a year.

***

And that's all I have time for this morning.

Posted at 9:13 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Seven Things Meme, Again!

January 14, 2006

zeebah tagged me I think I've done this before, but I can't remember what I said:

Seven Things To Do Before I Die:
1. Hike the Continental Divide
2. Write a novel
3. Find a partner who truly truly gets me, and appreciates me, too. And who I can appreciate.
4. Raise two healthy boys
5. Live by myself again
6. Paint a huge painting on canvas
7. Quit my job and be a writer full-time

Seven Things I Can't Do:
1. Keep my big mouth shut. About anything.
2. Whistle
3. Cry openly in front of other people
4. Sustain anger for someone
5. Dance (but I do anyway, when I'm alone)
6. Sing (but I do anyway, when I'm alone)
7. Live without music

Seven Things That Attract Me To Blogging:
1. I believe it's called "hypergrafia"
2. I'm a total exhibitionist...as well as an unrepentent voyeur
3. I'm sure I have said this before, but if I didn't have a blog, I would spend all of my time wandering around town having uncomfortably revealing conversations with random strangers.
4. Probably a little because I am terribly shy - even among my closest friends.
5. I feel that It's important to have a record of events and cycles in my life
6. I crave attention
7. Because Jhames made such a pretty design, I love to look at my words on the page.

Seven Things I Say Most Often:
1. Any of a wide variety of swear words, and combinations with regular words. I'm kind of a cusslinguist.
2. Totally
3. Sorry
4. The names of the children in my charge, including but not limited to my own children
5. Various terms of endearment directed at my children and my dogs
6. STORYTIME!!!!
7. [...]

Seven Books That I Love, in no particular order, with the caution that these are not necessarily my favorite books of all time:
1. The Scripture of the Golden Eternity by Jack Kerouac
2. After the Ecstasy, the Laundry by Jack Kornfeld
3. Collected Patchen Poems by Kenneth Patchen
4. The Cat Inside by William S. Burroughs
5. Narcissism & Death by Mariarosa Sclauzero
6. The Tao is Silent by Raymond Smullyan
7. The Teenage Liberation Handbook by Grace Llewellyn

Seven Movies I Watch Again and Again:
1. Birdy (which I think I might never watch again, actually)
2. Harold and Maude
3. Saved
4. Wings of Desire
5. Microcosmos
6. Baraka
7. After Hours

Seven People I am tagging to do this meme:
1. Janine
2. Redneck Mother
3. Doviende
4. Tish
5. Twisty
6. George
7. You! (in comments or on your blog.)

Posted at 9:24 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Saturday News Blogging

January 14, 2006

Just a few things I'm reading about this Saturday morning, before hopping off to work...

Two legal arguments have been offered for the President's right to violate the law, both of which have been seriously questioned by members of Congress of both parties and by the nonpartisan Congressional Research Service in a recent analysis. The first--highly dangerous in its sweep and implications--is that the President has the constitutional right as Commander in Chief to break any US law on the grounds of national security. As the CRS analysis points out, the Supreme Court has never upheld the President's right to do this in the area of wiretapping, nor has it ever granted the President a "monopoly over war-powers" or recognized him as "Commander in Chief of the country" as opposed to Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy. If the President is permitted to break the law on wiretapping on his own say-so, then a President can break any other law on his own say-so--a formula for dictatorship. This is not a theoretical danger: President Bush has recently claimed the right as Commander in Chief to violate the McCain amendment banning torture and degrading treatment of detainees. Nor is the requirement that national security be at stake any safeguard. We saw in Watergate how President Nixon falsely and cynically used that argument to cover up ordinary crimes and political misdeeds.

[...]

As awful as Watergate was, after the vote on impeachment and the resignation of President Nixon, the nation felt a huge sense of relief. Impeachment is a tortuous process, but now that President Bush has thrown down the gauntlet and virtually dared Congress to stop him from violating the law, nothing less is necessary to protect our constitutional system and preserve our democracy.

[source] [via]

“Well, I'm not going to try to beat around the bush. (Bad pun I’m thinking.) You were pulled over because you went to Cuba. Why did you go to Cuba?"
I said that I was there to do research. He asked my profession. I answered that I was a language arts teacher, and I was interested in Cuba because it had an impressive history of eradicating illiteracy and was now devoting its scarce resources so that every school in the country had qualified teachers of the arts. He asked, "How were the schools? I hear they're really hands-on."

I thought for a minute about what I wanted to say and then, I admit, about what I thought he might want to hear. Then I told him that I found the whole education system very impressive.

I explained that Cuba has no racial or economic achievement gap and that they score among the top countries in the world in math and reading. I offered that this might be because they provide every Cuban child free preschool education, and of course, unlike any other third world nation I could think of (and some first world nations I wouldn’t even mention) they’ve had nearly 100% literacy in their nation since 1961.

I even let it slip out that they assiduously maintain low class sizes—20 in the elementary, 15 in the secondary grades—and are training thousands of new art and music teachers to meet their goals. They also give universal access and free tuition to all citizens for university level education. “I think they’ve actually achieved “No Child Left Behind,” I added. He seemed a little surprised by the last bit. "How many days were you there?" he asked.

Then he probed in his good-cop way, "How did you like Cuba?

Better weather than in Minnesota!” he winked. “But isn’t it extremely poor?" I said yes, from what I'd observed, the people were suffering greatly from the 42-year old US embargo, especially during the last 15 years since the Soviet block dissolved. I agreed that they had hardly any consumer goods and some foods were rationed, but I was impressed that they ate well nonetheless and were very healthy. “In Cuba they have a lower infant mortality rate and a longer life span than in the US.” I elaborated. “You know, they have free health care and great medical schools,” I added, but he didn’t pick up on the last things I’d said. He might have been trying to imagine a place with few consumer goods.

"That's too bad," he said. "That will get better some day soon." I didn't reply and there was a long pause. I said, "Well, I suppose all things change eventually." I was trying not to shudder as I pictured a Cuban version of Disney World.

[source]

In truth, Iran is entitled to enrich uranium under the terms of the NPT and has agreed to do so in a manner that is consistent with the strict rules of the IAEA. Iran will not, however, give up its "inalienable right" to convert uranium for peaceful purposes, such as making fuel for use in nuclear power plants.
No other nation except Iran has been asked to forgo its rights under the NPT. The Bush administration expects the UN to annul parts of the treaty simply to accommodate its unfounded suspicions. But, why should Iran agree to be treated like an underling just to satisfy Bush? After all, Iran initially signed the NPT as a way of reducing nuclear weapons while Israel, the U.S., and other nations were busy building a new generation of nukes.

Besides, the conversion process takes place in front of IAEA inspectors and cameras that are set up to film the entire procedure. The IAEA is required to report any violations to the UN Security Council for punitive action. The watchdog agency was very successful in analyzing the true state of Iraq's "alleged" nuclear program. There's no need to suspect that they won't succeed here as well. (Israel, Pakistan and India all avoided this regimen and developed nuclear weapons secretly)

[source]

If there is a single principle to Alito's jurisprudence, it is this: He sides with those who exercise power and authority, and against those who don't.
It does not matter if the power is held by giant corporations or police or prosecutors or immigration authorities. Unless, that is, the government is regulating such matters as health and safety. Then Alito is likely to rule that its power just can't extend that far.

"When there is a conflict between institutions and individual rights, Judge Alito's dissenting opinions argue against individual rights 84 percent of the time," University of Chicago professor Cass R. Sunstein wrote in an analysis that he conducted for Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, D-Mass. In almost all of these cases, Alito dissented from a court with a majority of Republican appointees. The Knight-Ridder news organization, which reviewed 311 published Alito opinions, reached a similar conclusion. It is darned near impossible to find a case in which Alito agreed with someone who claimed mistreatment by police, or discrimination on the job, or the improper denial of pension or pay.

[source]

Strip Search Sammy

[via]

The scope of the scandal swirling around DeLay was perhaps best described by former Republican House Majority Leader Dick Armey, now a lobbyist: "Tom DeLay sent Buckham downtown to set up shop and start a branch office on K Street," Armey told the New York Times, referring to the row of lobby firms famously headquartered there. "The whole idea was: 'What's in it for us?' "
Sounds accurate enough. But Armey's candid comment begs the question of why he and others in the Republican establishment didn't blow the whistle on this operation before the indictments came down. After all, bilking the Pentagon for millions, bribing officials and breaking campaign-finance laws is hardly small potatoes.

What irony that those once young Republicans, who hectored their elders about being more vigilant in defending the nation's taxpayers and security forces, should now end up accused with deeply betraying both.

[source]

But while encouraging city residents to return home and declaring for the media audience that "we will do whatever it takes" to save the city, the President earlier this month formally refused the one thing New Orleans simply cannot live without: A restored network of barrier islands and coastal wetlands.
Tens of billions of dollars have been authorized to treat the symptoms—broken levees, insufficient emergency resources, destroyed roads and bridges—but next to nothing for the disease itself, that of disappeared land, which ushered the ocean into the city to begin with. No amount of levee building or stockpiling of bottled water will ever save New Orleans until the state's barrier shoreline is restored.

Just since World War II an area of land the size of Rhode Island has turned to water between New Orleans and the Gulf of Mexico, most of it former marshland. And every 2.7 miles of marshland reduces a hurricane surge tide by a foot, dispersing the storm's power. Simply put, had Katrina struck in 1945 instead of 2005, the surge that reached New Orleans would have been as much as 5-10 feet less than it was.

[source] (I can't find the permalink, so if that url changes, the name of the article is "Goodbye New Orleans: It's time we stopped pretending" by Mike Tidwell)

& from that article, this link:

It is clear that Hurricane Katrina was no ‘natural’ disaster. Though nature played a part, human action played a key role in exacerbating this disaster. This website is the first step in a bipartisan effort to raise awareness about the connection between hurricanes and global warming.
As we rebuild New Orleans and the entire Gulf Coast, we must simultaneously work to prevent the tragedy of Katrina from happening all across our shores; we must work to stop global warming. We invite you to learn how global warming is affecting our country and to get involved in the fight!

[source]

The Cliopatria Awards for History Blogging [via]

To this report, I say "Duh!":

Don't even ask about single-parent families, the news is so grim. Divorced women with children or divorced men with child support are three times as likely to file for bankruptcy as married counterparts. "All income is budgeted, there is no one at home who can work if the primary earner loses a job or gets sick, and no one is around to take over if a child gets sick or an elderly parent needs help," says Warren.
Prefer the traditional '70s pattern, dad at work and mom at home? "The modern single-earner family trying to keep up an average lifestyle faces a 72-percent drop in discretionary income compared with its one-income counterpart of a generation ago." Mom works to keep the family afloat.

Globalization has reduced the cost of most household spending — clothing, food, appliances. Americans spend less on discretionary items than in 1970. It's the basic costs that are killing us, particularly housing and medical.

and that, my friends, is that.

Posted at 8:26 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Bliss Spiller

January 13, 2006

A day in the pseudo-country was exactly what this city girl needed. A day among chickens, cats, and donkeys...including a 10-day old baby donkey, was the remedy for what ailed me. Kind of. I mean, I'm still ailing, but a lot of my questions feel very answered as to the source(s) of the ailment. And with those answers, I can move forward.

Today, though, was great. It was perfectly not too hot or cold (again!) and the animals were so fun and sweet and cute, and the children were great. This mama who I visited is absolutely the pinnacle of coolness. When I finally give up on men entirely, I want to settle down with a woman like this mama and have a farm and some chickens and goats and donkeys and, of course, the children.

Pansy laughed when I told her I walked into the house and this woman's son (who is weird in a very Monk-esque sort of way) had all of the pieces of his risk game spread all over the floor. My children have been using the risk pieces as their stand in for (forbidden) army men (and I'm such an idiot that I JUST NOW for the first time realized that they were using risk pieces as surrogate army men!) for a few years now. It was...it was like I stepped into some weird other universe and this was my home in the other universe. Significantly neater and less chaotic, but still...home.

So T did some chores while I took pictures of donkeys and her gigantic dog and some trees. Her daughter, who is eleven, played with Cole so sweetly, and listened to all of the ColeSpeak so patiently. And Monk and R just played and played and played. They are so cutely in tune with each other that it makes me long for the days of my youth, and the sweet friendships I would occasionally find myself ensconced in. Like the summer C.D. and I spent all day every day building an entire "Little People"/Weeble village on her screened in back porch.

T made me dinner, and we laughed a lot. She's so cool. I just love her. Plus she tells a mean story, AND she likes soup, but hates to cook. So I told her the next time we hang out, I will have to bring her soup.

The children were so interested in their game (all of them were playing together before and after dinner, from 5-year old Cole to 11-year old S.) that they didn't even want to watch the movie that was offered to them. Instead, they invented a game that involved battling an enemy with wooden swords. I was amazed at how considerate the children were of one another. R kept calling Cole "Captain" in order to make him feel not-so-much like he was just following orders (which he sort of was, but calling him captain really buffered that for him, I think.) At one point, the decision-making process sounded like this:

Kid One (after the play fighting got a little too contactish): Let's Stop fighting with each other and work together against a common enemy!

Kid Two: OK! Let's attack the enemy in the kitchen!

Kid One: No! Let's pretend the enemy is attacking US, and we are GREATLY OUTNUMBERED!

Kid Two (brandishing his sword): Alright! That sounds Great!

Kid One: Wait, let's make sure that's OK with Kids Three and Four.

Kids Three and Four (in unison): Sounds great!

And so on. It was all very consensus-based fun. And, I mean, the kids here almost always resolve their difficulties really well, too...but coley is usually kind of a monkeywrench. And he just wasn't today. Even when he tried to be.

So, it was nice. I feel refreshed and relaxed. And even though I was having trouble breathing by the end of the night (I am so totally allergic to animals it's not even funny) I felt good driving home and continued feeling good through story time and my lovely walk.

I actually felt good enough in the car to really get clarity on what the fuck has been up with me this week. It's so fucking obvious, too. I spent about 2 weeks off from work, totally immersed in me-time - half of which (the latter half, no less) was also kidless time. And then I had a short week, and another weekend of just me. me. me. and no restraints on how to spend my time. This week - I had to fly pell-mell back into work and all of the time and energy constraints that come with that. In spite of how much I truly love my job, I miss the time. I miss my friends. I miss...ME. Throw some PMS into the mix, and you have some totally appropriate mourning. I'm still a little weepy, even now. I have the urge to totally withdraw and, at the same time, totally have a slumber party with all of my sweet friends who I never get to see while I am working. And even the one I get to see while I am working, because it's possibly even more frustrating to see a friend at work where I can't be fully present, you know?

So the answer is simply this - I need to re-establish my rhythm around here. I need to make sure I'm doing all that I need to do to take care of the children and my immediate community, as well as my job, so I can be free from distraction during my off time. I also need to allow myself the time to re-mourn the fact that, in spite of my free and easy vacation, I am a woman with two homeschooled children and a full-time job, and I just don't have the time to stay up all night talking and emoting and scribbling mad love notes to the universe. I have to pick and choose, and hope the universe can wait for me to catch up when I am able.

That said, I think it's time for me to get some sleep.

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Friday Random Ten - Version "LAST CHANCE TO DELURK!"

January 13, 2006

Bikini Kill - Suck My Left One (What an awesome way to start my morning!)
Neutral Milk Hotel - April 8th
Operation Ivy - Caution
Bauhaus - In the Night
Nicola Conte - Exotique Bossa Nova
Nappy Roots - Aww Naw
Phil Rosenthal - The Yellow Rose of Texas
Public Enemy - Can't Trust It
Cocteau Twins & The Wolfgang Press - I am the Crime
Leonard Cohen - Waiting for the Miracle to Come

Bonus Tracks:

Dirty Three - Flutter
Spearhead - Positive
Fela Ransome Kuti - Power Show
System of a Down - War
The White Stripes - White Moon
Bob Marley - Fussing and Fighting

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If you go straight long enough, you end up where you were.

January 13, 2006

I embarked on my walk tonight with my heart full of this weird, unidentified remorse and my walkman loaded with the mix cd I once made for a boy who will never hear it, because if he did, all of my heart's secrets would have been revealed and we would be together still. I've been listening to this CD a lot, because it's sweet and cute and funny. Today, I listened to it from the other side, and instead of shouting the music like a drunken anthem at the ripening moon, I rejoiced in the flood of tears and did not attempt to fight them back.

I thought about how funny it is that when I am brimming with bliss, I feel expansive and sociable, and yet when I am in need of comfort, I isolate myself.

And I thought about birds and windows, as my dog romped in circles around me like Perda flew in a circle around Al before crashing through. I thought about how a soul that is open to all of the beauty in the world is also inevitably vulnerable to all of the world's sorrows. And it felt good to cry openly in the dark and be that open soul.

I thought about all of the conversations I've had over the past few months. At the park, at the hair salon, in my home and elsewhere. All of the wisdom converged. And I cried some more as I thought about birds and windows, rocks and water, soldiers, trees, bombs, haircuts and politicians.

I thought about my dog's stamina. And how I wish my joy had that same stamina. And yet, how good it felt to release the sadness.

I thought about how I am the mama, nurturing the children. I thought about how resistant I am to allowing myself to be nurtured. I thought, too, about how I'm not so much hard to get as easy to lose...and easy to betray.

And I thought about how "a horse's hoof is more delicate than it seems" and I am achingly delicate and fantastically strong.

And still I kept walking and thinking and crying and grinning through the tears and bursting forth under the spotlight moon. And by the time I was crossing the street towards home I was belting out that last song on the mix and somehow, everything was alright again. Forever and forever and forever.

And the dog flopped down on the hardwood floor, and I wrote this. And now my day is over.

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Oh, and then there's THAT.

January 12, 2006

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: Happy Birthday, Aaron.

Which actually might explain a lot more than the post prior.

Posted at 9:55 PM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

Morose

January 12, 2006

I'm sitting here, trying to figure out why I suddenly feel so morose, other than my monthly cycle. & because generally these feelings have a cycle, I decided to look back over my posts from January in previous years.

I found - Birdy:

I'm sitting here at Mojo's and suddenly there's a bird flying around. Which sounds really neat except there are all sorts of windows everywhere, and the poor bird is confused and flying around bashing his head into windows.
There's a metaphor for my life that came to me when I first saw the movie Birdy. I just remember I came home from work one night and Birdy was showing on cable and I watched it...and there's that scene where the bird flies into the window - flies through the window...crashes through the window and dies, and I just burst into tears and couldn't figure out why it affected me so intensely. And then I read back through some of my poetry of that era and noticed there was a theme running through much of it...a theme of being trapped on one side of a window without being able to reach people on the other side.

The people with me in the coffee shop all rushed to the aid of this bird. Some people opened windows. One person tried to catch the bird by throwing his jacket over it. Some tried to shoo the bird in the direction of the open window. All of us cringed as the bird flew face first into the one window that could not be opened.

In the end, the bird flew out the door, and we all cheered.

*sigh*

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rainy_day_7317

January 12, 2006

rainy_day_7317,
originally uploaded by doviende.

I love flickr so much. I think there is a new communication revolution involving pictures that is so very profound. I can really relate to this picture. It has my whole lifelong theme of divisive windows, with muted bright colors on one side and the rain casting that wonderful grey pall over everything.

I love it!

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yo-yo 002

January 12, 2006

yo-yo 002,
originally uploaded by Dru.

Isn't she pur-dy?

Happiness are friends who know what you REALLY want for your birthday.

Thanks, Cricket. I love you, bud.

mwah.

Let the yo-yo lessons commence. And perfect timing, too. It's impossible to be pissed off at the universe when yr throwing a yo.

Posted at 11:38 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Thinkers and performers can never stop wars or start peace.

January 12, 2006

"Thinkers and performers can never stop wars or start peace
Although they'd like to
Care for the wounded never halted any battle
And artistry just collects the fragments into manageable chaos" -Flux

Sitting and attempting a conversation about politics last night was painful. Really, all of the political issues of our time boil down to the same issue with the same solution. The issue is the mishandling or overconcentration of power in the hands of the privileged, and the solution is revolution. Whether that revolution is one of a peaceful and gradual collective reawakening or violent uprising I don't know. Either way, I feel hopeless to truly enact change other than by creating a microcosm of what the world should be in my own life. And then the frustration is compounded because I'm on the fucking rag, and creating a microcosm of what the world should be like while I'm sitting here alternating between feeling all angry with and brokenhearted about the world feels totally impossible. Ha!

Listening to the Alito hearings yesterday, it actually started to sound like people were just saying "Blah!" in varying intensities and with barely discernable inflections. "Blah blah blah...blah blah blahblahblah." Etc.

I'm truly intrigued by Stiglitz' findings on the true cost of war, but at the same time, I'm like "Duh! You mean no one has ever before thought about the long-term costs of war, both economically and spiritually?" If that's the case, we are more fucked than we even seem!

This article about the privatization of prisons (think about that for a minute, will you...we have a FUCKING prison INDUSTRY! That's as bad as having a HEALTHCARE industry. What the FUCK? You don't need a PhfuckingD in econfuckingnomics to see the ridiculousness in applying the same growth standards to sickness and crime that you do to fucking selling xboxes and candy fucking bars! What is WRONG with us?) that I'm reading in an old issue of Z Magazine makes me feel the same way:

Since incarceration rates are especially high among those with the least power in the labor market--young and unskilled minority, particularly African American, men--mass U.S. imprisonment and felony marking tends to exacerbates racial inequality. Thanks to its racially disparate labor market and related (under-) developmental consequences, the prison industrial complex has become a significant form of racially regressive and highly regulatory state intervention in the U.S. labor market and economy. Sociologists Bruce Western and Katherine Beckett find that "the penal system has a pervasive influence on the life chances of disadvantaged minorities. "Although typically the preserve of criminology," Western observes, "incarceration appears to shape aspects of inequality that are of traditional interest to stratification researchers. It seems likely that status attainment, school-to-work transitions, and family structure are all influenced, perhaps even routinely, by the penal system in the current period of high incarceration. From this perspective, the usual list of institutional influences on social stratification--schools, families, and social policy--should be expanded to consider the coercive redistribution of life chances through incarceration."
It doesn't help, of course, that inmate education and rehabilitation have been systematically de-legitimized and de-funded at the same time that the U.S. has built and operated a record number of new prisons in a spirit of what leading national prisoner "reentry" expert Jeremy Travis calls "robust retributivism."

I also really appreciate what Street says about the social/spiritual costs of prisons here:

Prison-hosting carries significant non-economic costs that deserve to be "factored-in" alongside material "dollars and cents" considerations. Beyond the often dangerous and stressful nature of correctional work, it seems likely that many people employed in prisons pay a certain spiritual price for relying for their daily bread on the dehumanizing imposition of mass incarceration. At the same time, the highly racialized nature of the U.S.'s increasingly bucolic "prison nation" certainly has a negative impact on the country's race relations. In the typical "downstate" Illinois or "upstate" New York (or Michigan) prison, the only black Americans that many of the predominantly white guards and other prison staff tend to have contact with are the angriest, most violent and dangerous products of the nation's urban ghettos. Along with the stress and negativity associated with the work of imposing repressive, explicitly "retributivist" state punishment on those mostly male and very disparately poor black Americans, this selective exposure to the black community certainly tends to reinforce and expand racist sentiments in rural white America. Meanwhile, captive nonwhite prisoners chafe, their bitterness and alienation often growing under the constant oppressive eyes, batons, mace-cans, electronic tasers, cameras, and guns of their Caucasian overseers. The U.S. prison system's rejection of its initially rehabilitative mission only deepens the disaffection of currently and formerly incarcerated "offenders." This is a formula for the exacerbation of racial hatred. It is very different from placing blacks and whites alongside each other in situations requiring roughly equal interdependence, as for example in the deep coal mines that used to be more common in southern Illinois and much of the South.

There has been a lot of discussion around here lately about Christianity and why Christians are so fucked. I dislike placing the blame on Christians exclusively, but I think in general, religion is dangerous because it pulls spirituality out of the day to day happenings in the world and places them in one building or one document or maybe a body of documents. Sure there are religions, even some Christian congregations, that preach social justice...but in general, I am concerned about the externalization of spirituality. I'm concerned that it causes this problem where we don't think about the long-term effects of our short-sighted actions. I'm concerned that it only enables those in power to continue to mishandle their privilege without fear of retribution in this lifetime. I'm concerned that it makes people apathetic about their own power to organize and/or at least transcend.

And I cling desperately to my last two beliefs
Firstly, I believe nothing and in nothing
Secondly, I believe in everything and in everything
Together I attempt to navigate my way
All around me refuse to change But not the world
Every expression of my love Seems to wound
Martyrdom offers nothing
I love this world and my life upon it
I grasp the hand of happiness whenever it is offered
More not than often, These distorted visions Represented ideas
Having lost their tongues, They no longer speak to me
-Flux

flux: uncarved block [1986]

youthful immortal

I've only just experienced
How beliefs can turn cold
Persuading me to retire
Before I'm old
Reaching out for comfort
Trying to embrace
Come out of hiding
Show your face

Emerging from a long dark tunnel
To be blinded by the bright light
Love can be so easily distorted
When for survival forced to fight

Grasping for the commitment
That I once possessed
Remembering past days
Of positiveness
My dream still exists
Because I want it to
Although I still believe
I'm not sure what to do

I've always believed that love
Will one day win through
Like opening a huge window
Knowing that beyond it lies
a beautiful view

Love's provided me with inspiration
When in the depths of despair
Like a diver struggling to the surface
Gasping desperately for air

Having overcome desperation
I feel so much more alive
Despite continued frustrations
I know I'll survive

children who know

Thinkers and performers can never stop wars or start peace
Although they'd like to
Care for the wounded never halted any battle
And artistry just collects the fragments into manageable chaos
Allegiances are fickle thin, And in essence pervay Little but our futility
Positivity becomes negative Once it has lost it's charge
The little good that we once had, Still is
But on the whole, The bad remains
I once thought you had to be on your own To be lonely

Same children playing revolution in the park
Same old ideas stumbling about in the dark
Same two sticks together create a spark
Same people standing alone, naked and stark

Same prisoner locked up in his cell
Institutions creating the hell
Mindfuckers manipulating hard sell
Same people forced to rebel

Same deaths caused by poverty
Animals trapped in captivity
Consciences appeased with charity
Same people striving for dignity

Same workers sweating down the pit
Same exploiters reaping in the profit
Same laws defining the crimes we commit
Same people fighting, refusing to submit

Nature knows no divisions
One field runs into the next
Having erected fences
I am imprisoned inside my head
The dumb clock chimed
But it was too late
I hear your voice
It cries in the silence

Same bigotry breaking into war
Idiots saying "heard it all before"
Ears hear, yet they still ignore
Same people trying to unlock the door
Same voices of impending doom
Vision of impenetrable gloom
Same foetus, same womb
Same people nurture bud into bloom

Footprints in the Snow

Clawing desperately for something new
Thoughts, like animals trapped in a zoo
Acknowledge that no amount of rage
Will ever remove the bars from the cage

My eyes are swollen and red
My head is numb and sore
Tired and emotionally dead
I don't feel angry anymore
Walk in the sun, walk in the snow
Thinking fast, thinking slow
My ideas come
My ideas go

Increasing waves tumble onto the shore
Ever increasing desires still want more
In a far off field another farmer sows his crop
In a far off field another bomb is dropped

Above my head the seagulls soar
Above my head the bombers roar
Another bird prepares to fly
Another soldier prepares to die

Leaves falling in the autumn
Soldiers dying in the war
In spring the flowers blossom
But all year the battles roar

My head is still sore
Soldiers still fight war
From little streams great rivers flow
From simple thoughts great ideas grow

The Stonecutter

Trapped in endless tunnels
Feeling the space outside
Gasping in the stale air
Is this spring, I thought
Caught at the centre of nothing
Trying to unfurl my wings
Standing where the noise doesn't carry
Hiding in my world they cannot see

Red obvious water
Black happy light
Blue confused fire
White angry darkness

Acting on the desires
I once talked about
I slept with god, but discovered
You cannot rescue whom you follow

The truth cutting and clear
Language it breaks

Tolling bell, marking time
Inside out, asylum cell
Turn about, dumb mime
Leaves fall, in war
Leaves fall, in war

Words ring on empty air
Sand running through fingers
Like a mute struggling to talk
Sign posts point in every direction
Delusion you continue to insist
Desperate to contain my rainbow
A new born child sheds tears
An angel drums in my head
Sailors having braved violent storms
No longer enjoy the tranquil calm
Up - trees aware of roots still grow
Down - buckets transform holes into wells

One pie or many smaller slices
Whole greater than sum of its parts
Thirty pieces of silver are not enough

Follow directions and you end up lost

Looking into mirrors, denying my reflection
While the ripples on the pond radiate out further
Refusals or demands, there is a difference
So many words we did not say

Posted at 9:13 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

How do you explain a movie with words?

January 12, 2006

I think I'm ready to retreat back into some more self-imposed isolation. I'm a fucking walking open wound today. Everything I touch hurts. And it's OK, because the hurting is a part of the everything. But I think it's best to experience that alone, right? At least, that's my experience so far.

I watched Birdy again tonight. It's one of those movies that is my favorite for reasons that other people will probably never understand. It's because I am that bird, circling. I am that window. I am that bird flying through that window over and over and over and over and over.

And that's what hurts. The cage that doesn't let me out, but that lets the cats in. The window open just enough for me to fly out of, but not open enough for me to ever, ever return.

I remember begging L to hold me when I was sad. It got to the point where I had to fucking BEG to be comforted. And then I decided that I didn't ever want to feel the need to allow anyone to comfort me ever again. Which is generally fine, because I'm generally not in need of comfort.

Tonight...I'm in need of comfort. And I'm crashing into fucking windows rather than flying through that small opening.

Posted at 2:42 AM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

Temptation/Realization

January 11, 2006

The temptation is to crawl into bed, ignore the seven children in my charge, and cry and cry and cry into my pillow about all of the little sadnesses of the world, both real and imagined.

The realization is that I'm about THIS close to getting my period. So I pop some chocolate covered espresso beans, scribble mad accusations at the universe in my private journal, grit my teeth, and steel myself against all of the little sadnesses of the world, both real and imagined.

(I'll cry later, when the kids are gone. Less to explain that way.)

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Tree Gasp

January 11, 2006

Tree Gasp,
originally uploaded by Dru.

Just posted the pics from my vacation. I tried to be selective, but I probably posted way too many. Lots of pictures of trees and water and, well, ROCKS. Also, my cute little cabin.

Posted at 9:27 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

The Grateful 5

January 11, 2006

Despite the fact that I thought I felt like crap coming home from work today, I took my dog out for our nightly walk. I couldn't help it. She's so freaking cute, and she just stands there and stares at me until I give in.

Anyway, the walk cheered me immensely, both physically and mentally. Here are five things I found to be thankful for, in no particular order:

Dog-Faced Hermans
Making out (which, since I've discovered that if I say something out loud I seem to get what I want every. time. My mission over the next month (or so) is to find a nice boy to have a hot one-night make out session with. I am loving being single too much to commit to anything more than that, but give me a dark bar and a boy with nice lips and I'll be happy to abandon singlehood for an hour or two...or five.)
Clear and cloudless January nights
My job (!) Yes. You heard me. My motherfucking job. It rocks.
Sweet silly souls like cricket, Harold, Coley, Pansy, Clay, and my dog...among others. Too many to mention, actually...but you get the picture.
Delurkers. Keep it coming! I know there are more out there. Lurking. Delurk! Delurk! I'll be here all week.

OK, that was probably more than five, and I have more besides, but I think I need to quit for the night and watch the rest of this Queer As Folk DVD. Ta!

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Delurk! Delurk!

January 10, 2006

I guess this week is Delurking week... so, come on now...show your, er, type.

If you read this blog - who are you? why are you here? what do you love? what do you hate? what are you fucking waiting for?

[link via evil mommy]

Posted at 11:28 AM • Comments (11) • TrackBack

Happiness is a King Cat.

January 10, 2006

I haven't read them yet, but I got the two newest King Cats in my mailbox. Yay!

If you have never read King Cat Comics...you are missing out. You shouldn't be wasting your time reading my blog, either. Instead, you should be building shrines to the wonderfulness that is John P.

Posted at 11:19 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Moments in Oedipusity.

January 10, 2006

Today, I heard the words I have been wiating to hear ever since Coley became a tortured poet who is eternally and unrequitingly in love with his mama:

"I'm breaking up with you, mama."

My heart soared! Can it be that Mr. Ed E. Puss has finally left the building? Can I now proceed in my life as a mama, knowing my son will grow up "normal" and unencumbered by this ceaseless, unfulfillable desire for his mother's romantic love?

No.

Because the next thing he said was this:

"So when I grow up, we can get back together and I can MARRY YOU!"

Sigh. I'm just hoping this doesn't all lead to me having to reject a heartfelt marriage proposal from my 18-year old son.

Posted at 11:05 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

Robert Arjet on the so-called war on Christianity.

January 10, 2006

Bark/Bite: If This is "War On Christianity," We're Getting Our Ass Kicked.

No, what we're seeing is the furious yowling that you always hear when those blessed with unearned privilege find some of that lovely privilege slipping away. We hear it every time racial justice gets a little closer, we hear it every time the gender equity gap closes a little more. Mainstream Christians are used to bopping along in a very Christian-flavored culture, apparently oblivious to the fact that a) huge numbers of Americans are not Christian, and b) that Christianity doesn't necessarily deserve any more special treatment than Asatru and Vodoun.

Yeah. There's a reason I try to avoid street fights. It's because I'm a pacifist. Well, and a wimp. I'm glad I have thugs like Arjet on my side!

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Adventures in Consumerism

January 10, 2006

In which Redneck Mother attempts to buy some underwear, and is thwarted by a zip code zealot.

"I'm just doing my job," said the clerk, holding on to my shopping bag.

Posted at 8:45 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Today is her Birthday - They're Smoking Cee-gars...

January 9, 2006

I worked on my birthday, but that was OK. There was yummy birthday adventure planned for later in the evening & I was up for it. I had spent the day auditioning the cast for the evening's drama via email, and it looked like it was shaping up, even though no one seemed interested in my pumkkin soup.

So, I diligently and dutifully finished my work before calling Cricket & swinging by his place for the first stage of birthday celebrity. & we went back to my place to retrieve Pansy.

I squealed when I saw the birthday surprises from Clay and Pansy. My pots&pans chain! A new switchplate! The house is really shapnig up, thanks to them. It feels like it's my birthday every day.

So I squealed and then we left. Next stop - Harold, as Susan had decided to meet us at the show rather than have dinner. So, to Harold, who gave me music and a leather-clad hug. Harold! Harold!

We had been rocking out to the classic rock portion of the soundtrack to The Virgin Suicides. Cricket has chosen "I'm Not In Love" by 10 CC as his theme song (& like many choices the Crick makes, this choice is not to have any actual assumptions applied to it. But it's fun to mess with him about it anyway.) and he Must. Hear. It. Whenever he enters my car. Which, of course, then leads to Heart, Styx, and ELO - among other Rockin' Oldies. I was delighted to witness Pansy & her lyrical knowledge of "Crazy on You." We shared moments, all of us. It was absolute synergy through music. My birthday had a soundtrack I can be proud of.

Then to Austin Java Company, where Cricket kindly bought me dinner. I had the African Peanut soup because that is the best damn soup served at any restaurant in Austin. And it was my birthday, damnit. So I deserved the best.

At one pont, I looked up & the waitperson serving me was none other than L's brother, Uncle R. I introduced him around. Coley (who thinks Uncle R hung the moon & has been absolutely in love with Uncle R since they first met. Coley actually first met Uncle R before he could talk & there was an extended period where Uncle R was absent from our lives (as happens with Uncle R) & Coley learned to talk during this period & woudl approach strange men in the park hopefully & say "Uncle WOBEWT?") but anyway, Coley had just been talking about Uncle R that day, saying that he was going to SEE Uncle R b/c Uncle R was staying with his dad.

This proved depressingly false, as Uncle R told me he hasn't seen the boys since the 4th of July.

Now, R is not without his share of problems, issues, etc., but the kids love him dearly & he is the only reltaive they have in town. So it was nice to see him on my birthday under such bizarre circumstance & hopefully the boys will get to see him soon. He offered me cake, but I declined. But I did accep the hug & kind words upon my departure. As we went forward - moving toward more adventure.

We made it down to 6th Street by around 11 PM & caught a set of some band @ BEERLAND that had, I guess, a Spanish name or some sort. I was more interested in the Cooking Network on the TV than the music. & though I had people to talk to, I generally don't like to talk in loud clubs while bands are playing. I don't like the feeling that I am yelling in someone's ear. So I gathered up the majority of my "entourage" (who also seemed somewhat bored) and cavorted down 6th street on a mission for gree-zee pizza @ the heavy metal pizza stand.

While there, we noticed heavy smoke descending on the area. The lonely guy standing next to the pizza stand said soemthing to the effect of "That's what happens when sexy women like you unleash themselves on 6th Street." And then he proceeded to talk about how fat women are the sexiest. Because, evidently, now I can't leave the house without having some lonely and/or homeless dude telling me that I'm hot because I'm fat & now I'm starting grease fires with my ass all up and down the warehouse district.

We tolerated lonely guy politely because he was benign & it was vaguely interesting to listen to him. I guess in his way he was attempting to be complimentary. But we were distracted because it appeared there actually WAS a fire a couple of blocks over & we wanted to see what that shit was all about, particularly since our hotness was the cause.

So it was that we witnessed the burning of KOOP radio, and the studios adjacent. The studios where L's band once spent days/weeks recording a demo. Although it's not funny in hindsight - we all joked that it wasn't actually a fire but one lone musician dude smoking a giant bong. Mostly, though, Pansy & I ogled the horse cops. And their boots. Which, I suppose, is not really that different from telling some chick that her fat hot ass sets cities aflame. Ha!

Upon returning to the bar we realized we smelled like smoke. I made a crack about sausages that seemed funny at the time & laughed probably too loudly, as I commonly find myself doing. Cricket found us & we all found Cue somewhat boring (perhaps it's the kind of thing where you have to kno what they sound like to appreciate them in that setting...but there was, in general, a lack of energy at Beerland, as evidenced by the fact that people were SITTING DOWN. Fuck that shit. From now on, if I enter a bar with the sole purpose of sharing musical energy, I want to see NO ONE sitting down.) so we made our way to Emo's & through the crowd and witnessed the funky punky bizarre energy of Attack Formation. (who, I must remind myself, are playing out again at the Parlor on the 20th - and I should go see them). They were HOT. I mean, if ANYONE was starting a fire it was this band and their horn-playing, keyboard pounding, faux fur wearing, jumping-around having antics. It was so refreshing & if nothing else had moved me all night long, this band would have been enough. I wove my way through to find a space where I could watch & had a grand old time. They ended their set with a Kelly Clarkson cover & that was, as they say, rock & roll history.

Afterwards, as I followed the crowd to find my friends, the guitar player for Attack Formation was directly ahead of me. Someone reached in and grabbed his ass. He looked back - AT ME - and I pulled my hands up in surrender and exclaimed "It wasn't me!" He grinned & turned back around - then turned back to me again, grinning, and said "It SHOULD have been!" Which, boys, if you are keeping track, is the PROPER way to flirt with a lady. Cute, without being threatening or creepy; sweet, without a hint of desparation.

At any rate, I found my loyal cohorts who had scattered in multiple direction during the set. It seems like Emo's is the place to go. The crowd was more divers & there seemed to be a better energy in the room. Plus, no chairs. I have a feeling there will be more live music for me in the coming months, so it's good to note these things.

Harold was chatting with some guy who knows L. Which was interesting. Our friendships were totally divided when we were together & it's interesting when those worlds collide. Things come out. Pieces of the past that I was unaware of. So much fucking secrecy. It's actually best to leave those graves undefiled. Let it rest. But it's important for me, I think, to allow people to see my charming self. Because I have NO IDEA what has been said about me to justify crap behavior.

And, just like that, last call & the night was over. We drove to a house Cricket wanted to look at & extolled him the merits of the neighborhood. We dropped off Harold. We drove home, rocking out once again to "I'm Not In Love." Pansy went to bed. Cricket & I walked the dog & then I drove him home.

It was a lovely, full day. An adventure, indeed. Encompassing all elements of a successful celebration: good food, excellent company, fun flirtation, energetic music and, of course, watching something go up in smoke, which is a stunningly appropriate (metaphorically speaking) way to end one year and begin another in this chronic chaos that is my existence.

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News & Opinion Blogging, Jan 9, 2006

January 9, 2006

Just a few things I am reading this morning, while chatting with my friend George and listening to the children play:

One of Mr Morales' economic advisers said China could be interested in converting Bolivia's natural gas into environmentally friendly diesel.
Mr Morales will meet Chinese President Hu Jintao on Monday.

Correspondents say his left-wing stance and anti-US speeches may have already won him support in Beijing.

"For the government of President Morales, hydrocarbons is a fundamental topic, in particular the industrialisation of natural gas," Carlos Villegas, an economic adviser to Mr Morales, said in Beijing.

"He invited the Chinese government, through its state companies, to participate."

[source]

***

Today begins the *Blog for Choice* campaign to raise awareness about reproductive rights and speak out against the confirmation of Samuel Alito. The hearings before the Senate Judiciary Committee are set to begin at noon (eastern standard time, I believe). Not much will happen today, just mostly self-congratulatory opening statements and such. Also remember on January 22nd, the 34th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, there will be another Blog for Choice Day campaign. Be sure to check out the Bush v. Choice blog for the latest news. And I would like to say 'more power' to the National Organization of Women's campaign against Alito's confirmation called *Enraged & Engaged!* Speak out against Alito and those who threaten reproductive rights and civil rights and liberties, and let's NEVER GO BACK!

[source]

***
The Cost of War: An Economists View

This paper attempts to provide a more complete reckoning of the costs of the Iraq War than have previously been provided, using standard economic and accounting/budgetary frameworks. Of course, a final tally will have to wait the end, and even the President has made it clear that there is no clear end in sight. And even then, it will be years before we can be sure about whether our estimates of future costs—increased costs of recruiting or payments for disability or the health care costs of the injured veterans—were accurate.

[...]

The paper is divided into two parts. In the first, we provide an estimate of the “direct” expenditures, and provide adjustments to reflect the true social costs of the resources deployed. The second provides an estimate of the macro-economic costs; the effects of the War on the overall performance of the economy, taking into account both the effects of the expenditures themselves and of the increased price of oil, some of which at least should be attributed to the War.

[source] [via Echidne] [see also] [via]

***

America: this is what you are allowing your government to do in your name:
Detain and torture prisoners without due process. Use chemical weapons on other members of humanity. Spy on Americans without a court order (I hope my conversations put them in a coma of boredom). Carpet bomb cities filled with human beings like yourselves. Destroy the infrastructure of other countries. Destroy the infrastructure of American cities. Cut taxes on the rich while pouring money and blood into the thirsty sands of the Middle East. Decimate our treasury. Rape the environment. Et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseum.

Hillary Clinton told me that the "wheels of government grind slowly." This is a tired clich and it is unacceptable blather while the war machine is grinding the bones of our children. It is time for us wide awake Americans to make our elected officials speed up the timetable for withdrawal from Iraq.

[source]

***

Hugh Thompson, an Army helicopter pilot who rescued Vietnamese civilians during the My Lai massacre, reported the killings to his superior officers in a rage over what he had seen, testified at the inquiries and received a commendation from the Army three decades later, died yesterday in Alexandria, La. He was 62.

[source] [via]

***

If Pres. George Bush broke laws when ordering wiretaps and secret spying on U.S. citizens, a key Senate Democrat said he would not rule out calling for his impeachment.
"I think there is an orderly and dignified way to find out what happened," said Russ Feingold of Wisconsin. "And, if there was a legal violation there needs to be accountability ... you can't put the cart before the horse, but I would not rule out any form of accountability."

That would include impeachment, Feingold told reporters.

[source] [via]

***

lections, if taken seriously, mean you pay some attention to the will of the population. The crucial question for an invading army is: "Do they want us to be here?"
There is no lack of information about the answer. One important source is a poll for the British Ministry of Defence this past August, carried out by Iraqi university researchers and leaked to the British Press. It found that 82 per cent are "strongly opposed" to the presence of coalition troops and less than 1 per cent believe they are responsible for any improvement in security.

Analysts of the Brookings Institution in Washington report that in November, 80 per cent of Iraqis favoured "near-term US troop withdrawal." Other sources generally concur. So the coalition forces should withdraw, as the population wants them to, instead of trying desperately to set up a client regime with military forces that they can control. But Bush and Blair still refuse to set a timetable for withdrawal, limiting themselves to token withdrawals as their goals are achieved.

There’s a good reason why the United States cannot tolerate a sovereign, more or less democratic Iraq. The issue can scarcely be raised because it conflicts with firmly established doctrine: We’re supposed to believe that the United States would have invaded Iraq if it was an island in the Indian Ocean and its main export was pickles, not petroleum.

[source]

***

But it's good for our health to lose weight, right? Maybe. Last year, the federal government never did quite explain a major discrepancy in published research on obesity-related deaths among its own scientists. Seems that earlier estimates of 400,000 annual deaths attributed to obesity were a tad overstated. While the more accurate figure is closer to 100,000, you will still see the original exaggerated number getting tossed around by lazy journalists.
Still, the government says all the ballyhoo over obesity is well deserved when we consider the health-related consequences of carrying around too much heft. Perhaps, but that still doesn't mean as a policy matter, it's something we should be paying so much attention to when it's really beside the point.

[...]

Obesity shifts the focus away from policy and places it back onto the individual. What's the first thing you think of when you hear the word obesity? A fat person, right? And what images go along with that? If you have the biases of most Americans, that the person is lazy (among other negative traits) and is responsible for their own fat fate. Nutrition advocates couldn't have invented a more self-defeating "framing" than obesity.

Despite the strategic obstacles, when I try raising the problem of the obesity focus with my colleagues, I don't get very far. "We are stuck with it," one said. Another told me how "nutrition" hardly got any media attention, but now that the focus is "obesity," it's finally on the map. Maybe, but for how long and with what consequences?

We all know people who can eat anything (or don't exercise) and not gain an ounce, but this doesn't mean they are healthy. Plenty of others (myself included) eat a perfectly healthy diet, get enough exercise, and yet for whatever reason, cannot attain "optimal" weight. And most of these folks are quite healthy by any other measure. So instead of focusing on weight, why not concentrate on what everyone says we are really worried about anyway? In the long run it's our health and not our weight that matters most and that emphasis will bring about more significant and enduring policy change.

[source]

***

A movie theater owned by Utah Jazz owner Larry Miller abruptly changed its screening plans and decided not to show the film "Brokeback Mountain." The film, an R-rated Western gay romance story, was supposed to open Friday at the Megaplex at Jordan Commons in Sandy, a suburb of Salt Lake City. Instead it was pulled from the schedule.

[source] [via]

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carnival of homeschooling blogs

January 9, 2006

Not enough energy to read, but just enough energy to link to The Carnival of Homeschooling: week 1.

Enjoy. I'm going to crawl into bed and sleeeeeeeeeep.

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Achieving goals.

January 8, 2006

While i was out, I also reread my journal, particularly this entry about goals. Here's something interesting, I've done most of this shit. Mostly thanks to Pansy. She fucking rocks. Things I have been successful at are in bold:

So, my immediate (within the next 6 months) goals are to find a way to incorporate more movement into my life - more exercise, and to create a more aesthetically appealing environment in my home. I do, to some degree, have the power to improve my financial situation on my own, but I might have to sacrifice those two goals for that one, in addition to some other important desires that are already being fulfilled (such as a strong community - it is hard enough to maintain close friendships with people with the amount I currently work.) Perhaps the controllable variable in my financial situation is keeping up with the budget and staying on top of my spending and saving.

There are a couple of simple things I can do to achieve some of these goals:

Maintain the budget
Call the mortgage company and ask for a deferment of one or two payments They didn't go for it, but I'll catch up at some point.
Get the divorce over with ASAP
Have a large yard sale and get rid of everything not useful or beautiful. (although, I could probably have another one)
Continue to walk every day with the children (not accomplished, but I do walk every day with the dog, so it's the same thing, really.)
Submit application for financial assistance at the Y (I'm considering just joining and paying the full membership cost, particularly once I have a housemate.)
Ask someone to cover childcare for an hour or so after I return home from work so I can take a brisk walk or work out at the gym (Thank Maude for Pansy and Clay!)
Make it a priority to work out every day the kids are at their dad's (But I am walking a TON. I just need to incorporate more weight training and other stuff.)
Make sure Pansy is cool with the schedule & make sure she is getting enough time to do her stuff and ensure she gets enough time to herself.
Keep looking for a housemate or partner (Only the best housemates known to humankind!)
Travel with J. Let him figure his shit out. Be honest and upfront about how his shit effects me. Don't shy away from confrontation, don't avoid discussion and DON'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S SHIT. (broke up with John. I tried traveling with him, but it didn't work. Instead, I travel by myself & am seeking potential travel mates)
Continue to contribute at work to keep my job stable
Offer to teach 2-3 freelance classes a month (not possible within parameters of my current schedule)
Find reliable childcare substitutes (I've been trying, but Pansy has done a lot of work in this area, and we are cool for now.)
Be a reliable childcare provider.
Write Daily
Live Fully
Love Completely
Be Mindful. (well, most of the time.)

***I feel abso-fucking-lutely rockin'! I need to write down my goals more often.

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Notes from a trip

January 8, 2006

These are the notes I wrote while on my trip, pretty much transcribed as they were written in my proiv-it journal. Enjoy

1/7/2006 2:49 PM

About to leave to go hiking. I will empty my backpack of all but necessity. It's beautiful here. I mean, the cabin is right next to the road, but still - it's cozy & cute & the woman who owns the land was/is sweet. I'm going to leave here feeling very refreshed. Recharged.

***

3:14 PM

Sitting on a rock on the shores of Canyon Lake. Thinking "Even a man-made lake can be beautiful & it makes sense, because, really, it's all man-made after all."

"nature knows no divisions
One field runs into the next
Having erected fences
I'm imprisoned inside my head."
-Flux

A boy runs down the hill with a beagle puppy. I think of Bailey - think, we all begin that way. Floppy-wag-tailed, undisciplined. Even the water has its moments. Moments of calm, moments of roil. It runs over the rocks. First it leaves the silt, then it washes the silt away. And the rocks do nothing. They allow themselves to be dirtied - they allow themselves to be cleansed.

This is how it is. Unburdened by tasks and need for accomplishment. I drift. I sit. I wait for movement to feel appropriate. LIstening, the sound of water augmented by the sound of people. They are my species.

A poet is different from a philosopher. Poets filter experiences through feelings & philosophers through logic. Both are important. The dog wags its tail.

I want (in no particular order)
-sun sparkling off of water
-sounds of children playing
-cute puppies
-sailboats
-a feeling of calm

I have all of these things. And more. More that I don't even know that I want.

I would say "I need to hold this all inside of me. Save it. Save it for a time when I don't have these things." But instead, I will let it go and make room for more.

***

Dear Hairdresser,

For the first time in my life -
My hair
is EXACTLY right.

Thank you.

***

4:00 PM

Where I am going
Looms
Where I was
grows smaller and smaller
Where I am
Changes
each step.

(a conversation)
"How far does this go, mom?"
"All the way to the end."

I walk across - all the way to the end. Stop and rest before my return. Water pump hidden like the machinery of Oz Wizard. If I listen closely enough, I can hear the essence of the sound of water lapping. Also, birds are singing. Also, cars. Also...silence.

And leaves.

6:25 PM

The evening presents itself. Smiling. Much to be whispered. Pizza. A room. Some movies. A small room. Nowhere to move. No place to be restless in this restive town. Cars drive through without stopping and yet. I have stopped.

Looking at the water today from above. High above on the dam. The closeness and familiarity of the rippling seemed so distant. How easily we lose connection! How quickly we regain!

The sun sets while I wait for pizza. Not dining in - taking out. Because alone is where I want to be.

And/but tempting to connect. Not lonely. A fellow traveler. I look at him sideways. Regarding. A smile can break the toughest granite. A smile can penetrate the impervious. I cock my head again. Knit my brow. Regarding. Chirp! Chirp! says a cricket. I crack a grin in reply. Toothful. Snaggled.

It breaks it breaks it breaks but, oh, does it ever mend.

I think I"m going to need to do this again. Regularly. Every change of season? Shortly thereafter. A trip a quarter. Next stop - Chicago. Summer will be ??? Alaska? Anything is possible, although DC is more likely.

Twenty minutes, she said. It's been ten. The sun has fully set. No need to rent a video b/c GOONIES! IS! ON! CABLE! I'm missing Halloween to get pizza. When Goonies is on, I will catalog my CD's.

Twenty minutes have passed. Pizza, movie, and me. Tomorrow, I play at the park. Best. Vacation. Ever. More often, I must.

***

(Here is where I spent an hour or so in the morning writing the account of my birthday celebration, which I will post later.)

***

1/8/2006 2 PM

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest human battle ever and to never stop fighting." -e.e. cummings

It is time for this journey to be over - and to begin. I hop skip move through sleepy towns and small cities. Stopping periodically to be there and there and there. To be there for a moment. That silent watery lakeside. That country music cafe. That outrageous dinosaur exhibit. Working my way. Working my way. Working my way
Slowly
Back home.

4:30 PM

Things I have learned:

From traveling - it's difficult to get truly lost, and when you do, it's relatively simple to find the way again
From photography - The best photos are those taken using an alternative angle
From parenting - Climbing a mountain can be done slowly. Windingly. Stopping and starting.

5:00 PM
Atop Enchanted Rock
Thankful for my Walkman
In the silence between songs
A persistent car alarm.

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Gorillaz, Birthdays, Road Trips...Oh My!

January 7, 2006

First of all: Gorillaz - where have you been all my life?!

Second, I'm about to head out of town for my fun little day/night/day of solitude and convening with nature. The weather is perfect. I have tons of music and my camera and reading materials, and lots of awesome warm post solstice/new year/birthday feelings and thoughts to bring along with me. Plus, I just got good news that the cricketmeister just got a rad house on the east side & I'm totally psyched for him.

Spent yesterday spent, watching videos, geeking out. The kids...they are so fucking free, it's great. I kep feeling like I should impose some sort of structure to their day yesterday, but every time I walked out to start bossing them around, I found them engaged in some cool activity, like teaching Coley to play Yu-Gi-Oh, going down to "the ditch" or trying to dig a hole to China. Digging a hole to China seems to be the Holy Grail of childhood. There is a particular patch in my front yard that has served as the starting point for this ambitious activity several times. Perhaps if I keep encouraging them, they will till the yard for me so I can plant a garden.

Chirp!

After the kids left to go to their dad's, Cricket and I watched Manufacturing Consent. Falling Asleep and Waking Up again. Chomsky is so inspiring. He gives me hope, like Bill Hicks. I get the same feeling from both of them. They can present this entire argument about how fucked the world is, and yet...somehow there is a bright thread woven that makes me want to hug everyone close and let them know that we are all OK because we all have Each Other. That's a fucking force to be reckoned with, indeed. I was glad my cricket was there, because I felt like my heart was pouring out of my ears watching it & it's nice to feel like perhaps there are other people catching that energy from me, misdirected, random, and frenetic though it may be.

My birthday was great. Probably the best ever, but you know I'm going to say that every fucking year unless something really tragic happens. I'm loving where I am right now. All sorts of things fall into place. I'll probably write an essay about the birthday night when I get to my little cabin in the woods (which is actually more like a resort cabin, but whatthefuckever. I'm a poser, I know it. You need to just deal with that fact and get over it.)

Things are happy. Mysteriously so. I'm not questioning, I'm just enjoying. I need to eat something, then I'm driving out to the country with my tons of music, my buzzing brain, and my orgiastic synergistic self.

Have a good weekend. I might blog from the cabin if there's wireless there. Otherwise, I'll write and photograph and transcribe and blurt it all out when I get home.

Posted at 11:43 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack

Onward and Upward - I'm off to find love

January 5, 2006

You know...every once in awhile, I need to re-read this post. Today is one of those days. I need to be reminded that love is scary and love is good. And part of the reason love is so good is BECAUSE it's so scary. I think I'm hiding from love. This is not a good thing. It's a defense mechanism. It keeps me from getting hurt, but it can keep me from...the opposite of getting hurt.

Listen up, you grain-fed honky dickweeds - not just you, WW, but every fucking honky out there needs to hear this. We're not alive for very long. Have you noticed this, dickcheeses? We do not have all the fucking time in the world to draw up cost-benefit analyses on potential long-term pairings. If you're not swept the fuck away by your lady, move the fuck on. If you're not gritting your teeth and biting the palm of your hand like goddamn Squiggy every time she walks by, get over it. If you're not having the best sex of your life - and this is when you do that, dummies, in your mid-fucking-thirties, this is your big fucking shot at great sex, or at least this is where it starts - if you're not blown away, freaking out, breaking out, thrilled, shivery, talking a lot, sending stupid fucking emails to each other, rolling around, sighing, bragging, buying dumb little gifts - then how do you think you'll feel in a few years when you're fucking old and creaky and you have three little doo-doo factories in residence? You fucking dumbass honky-ass losers.

Posted at 3:02 PM • Comments (4) • TrackBack

RedHeadDread has some children's book recommendations! Yay!

January 5, 2006

Not only does she have excellent taste in KidLit, she is a damn fine writer to boot!

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It's Getting Thick in South America...

January 5, 2006

Mr Humala was invited to Caracas earlier this week to meet the Venezuelan leader and attend a news conference which was also attended by Bolivia's President-elect Evo Morales.
Mr Humala said he was visiting Venezuela, along with other Latin American nations, to discuss "economic, political and social integration".

"It's the beginning of an international agenda," he said.

President Chavez praised him for "joining the battle" against the Free Trade Area of the Americas backed by Washington and a number of countries in the region.

[source]

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Maybe David is Right...

January 5, 2006

Could it be possible that as the US gets more creepy and evil, other countries are actually starting to become...enlightened?

"The issue of awaiting-trial inmates has become an endemic problem in Nigeria... The conditions of the prisons are just too terrible. The conditions negate the essence of prison which is to reform," Mr Ojo said.

Perhaps there IS a war coming, and perhaps it's not the holy war that our government and religious right seems to think is prophesied.

Posted at 9:31 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack

This ought to be interesting

January 5, 2006

"AN ITALIAN judge has ordered a priest to appear in court this month to prove that Jesus Christ existed."

Those zany Italians. I can't believe while we in the US are still having a fucking debate about whether humans rode fucking dinosaurs, this Italian guy is bringing the mere existence of Christ up in court.

[link via pen-elayne]

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Birthday!

January 4, 2006

Tomorrow is my birthday! So, if any Austin folks want to join in the fun, you can meet me down at Beerland/Emo's for free shows and fun having. Email me so I know to look for you...or surprise me. I'll be the one not wearing the birthday hat and not dressed in my birthday suit. & you can not buy me a beer and I will be very happy!

Mwah!

btw - if anyone feels compelled to shower me with gifts, I do have a wishlist. I'm particularly dying to own this flux CD. I have it on vinyl and it's my favorite thing ever.

Posted at 11:27 AM • Comments (3) • TrackBack

News Blogging

January 4, 2006

I might not be able to muster the strength to write about it...but at least I can link to it and read about. Here are a few news items that are of interest to me:

Mr Chirac, who plans to run for re-election in 2007, also announced the establishment of a slavery remembrance day in France - on a date to be announced later this year.
"The question of slavery is a wound for a large number of our fellow citizens, in particular overseas," he said.

"France has set an example by being the first country in the world - and still the only one today - to recognise slavery as a crime against humanity. I have decided to establish a day of remembrance in France."

[source]

Evo Morales, known simply as Evo to his supporters, has promised to give the country's indigenous people, who make up more than 50% of the population, a greater say in the running of Bolivia's affairs.
Many have felt left out, that a small group of elite businessmen and wealthy families had been running the country for their own benefit for too long.

[source]

"We are here to resolve social problems, economic problems," Mr Morales said.
"This movement is not only in Bolivia; Fidel in Cuba and Hugo in Venezuela are logging triumphs in social movements and leftist policies."

Earlier, Mr Chavez said the two men were building an "axis of good".

"The axis of evil - do you know who the axis of evil is? Washington - that's the axis of evil. And their allies in the world, who threaten, who invade, who kill, who assassinate," he said.

[source]

US Soldiers kill several to save...um, what now?

"If there were gunmen or criminals in that house, is it right to blow up the whole family?"

Short answer: No.

Hussein al-Falluji, a lawyer and a national leader of the Sunni-dominated Iraqi Accordance Front, said: "Once again the occupiers have shown their barbarism. They never learn from their mistakes... People's resentment is increasing."

Long answer: We're fucked. But, hey, we're not the MOST fucked, so let's just keep blowing people up until we are, mkay?

[Source]

Darby spoke to that issue, commenting on the treatment of 9th Ward residents in a Post-Katrina world. "It's a shame that we have to go to these lengths in the United States of America in order for these residents to be heard. There are elderly residents living in the Lower 9th Ward without services. They have no power, no water, no medical treatment, and they are being told that they can't be here. Federal agents patrol these dark streets and threaten to arrest any resident that stays in this curfew area for trespassing in their own homes. Neither the city, state, nor federal government has any solution as to where else they could stay. Most residents were left to die when the storm was approaching. Then they were shot at and called looters when they scavenged for food. They ended up at the convention center where the government left them for days without water or even toilets. They were then evacuated all across the nation. The government told them they couldn't come back and physically guarded this area with machine guns and refused to allow these residents to even see their homes. Most of these residents haven't received any money for their homes yet."
Common Ground is protesting the injustice of the attempted seizure, pointing out that privately-owned properties are being confiscated through eminent domain without the due process generally allowed to its owners. It is a move by the government that could set a dangerous precedent for the private property rights of all owners.

See, I KNEW that was why it was important for the Common Ground Collective to be there.
[source]

Newsweek: Where do you put George W. Bush in the pantheon of American presidents?
Chomsky: He's more or less a symbol, but I think the people around him are the most dangerous administration in American history. I think they're driving the world to destruction. There are two major threats that face the world, threats of the destruction of the species, and they're not a joke. One of them is nuclear war, and the other is environmental catastrophe, and they are driving toward destruction in both domains. They're compelling competitors to escalate their own offensive military capacity—Russia, China, now Iran. That means putting their offensive nuclear missiles on hair-trigger alert.

The Bush administration has succeeded in making the United States one of the most feared and hated countries in the world. The talent of these guys is unbelievable. They have even succeeded at alienating Canada. I mean, that takes genius, literally.

I am so in love with Mr. Chomsky. Swooooooooooon.

[source]

It also said the combination of the title Get Rich or Die Tryin' and the image of 50 Cent with a gun "could give the impression that success could be achieved through violence".

Now, I'm not a huge fan of images of children and guns juxtaposed...and I'm not a huge fan of thug culture. But WTF? Where do we get off blaming 50 Cent for this impression. Hello? Open your fucking eyes! Our entire society gives the "impression that success could be achieved through violence."

I suppose as long as it's not black people using violence as a means of attaining success, it's OK.

Fuckres.

[source]

Because I am the world’s foremost authority on other people’s dysfunctional hetero relationships, this struck me as baloney. But one must tread lightly around women who love assholes, for their tormentors have taught them to recoil from truth. Here’s the speech I reluctantly choked back: “You’ve got fucking cancer! You’re automatically on the high road! The fucker ditched you in the middle of a life-threatening trauma! Overnight him a dead rat! And date the hot farrier!”
But she wasn’t ready for patriarchy-blaming, so I put a sock in it. She really just wanted to decant her anguished soul onto a bald and total stranger. Since I was the only other patient in there under 80, that bald stranger was me.

It's not actually NEWS blogging, but it's why we love Twisty. So much.

There. That wasn't so bad.

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Information overload, disconnection, and the state of our country

January 3, 2006

I'm reading this extremely information-heavy (and also bitingly hilarious) post at Jesus' General, and I'm freaking out a bit about my relative apathy towards political processes of late. I mean, if I find it difficult to keep up, considering how invested I personally feel in politics, they've already fucking won. Because someone who starts off feeling even more disenfranchised than me would not even know where to begin, nor is there any reason for them to find out.

I basically stopped listening to the whole Alito thing. I think I've been faking interest in judicial nominiations from the very beginning. I feel like whatever is going to happen is going to happen, and yet the more I read, the more these people seem really fucking out there in a very scary dictatorial way, and I am scared out of my fucking wits about it. I'm scared...into apathy? Is that what it is? I don't have time to keep up unless I invest all of my energy into it...and if I invest all of my energy into it, I have no time to enjoy the freedom that I am fighting for. That's the Hell of pseudo-fascism, I guess. And I suppose that's why Jesus' General works so hard to at least make it entertaining to read (and, I imagine, to write) this stuff.

Yesterday, I was talking to a friend about my post about the gay and lesbian campus organizations. I could barely keep my facts straight about that, and I had just read the information earlier in the day. He asked what we might be able to do about it, and I honestly had no idea. Petitions are nice, but they seem to only provide papercuts on the slow ride to political hell.

Lately, when I'm asked to explain my political position about anything, I feel dizzy and nauseated. I'm tempted to just spit "Legalize everything and kill everyone" as a means of avoiding specificity. I WANT to be informed. I work hard to stay on top of things...but it's a moving fucking target & once I educate myself on a topic, I'm forced to move on to the next.

Gah. I know it's important, but I can't understand why I have such a huge block about specific political events these days. Maybe I should just go with the flow and not worry about it so much. I'm sure it will all come back to me. It's just, I guess, that I feel so satisfied with my life that I think it's time for me to stop focusing inward and start raising some Hell outside of myself.

I guess we'll see. Ebb and flow, baby. Ebb and motherfucking flow.

Posted at 4:40 PM • Comments (5) • TrackBack

co-housing update + other stuff.

January 3, 2006

I have time to grab a quick moment here while the big kids are flying a kite (in the schoolyard) and I have managed to surgically remove coley from my person and encourage him to Play By Himself for a bit. I wanted to give an update on the co-housing situation. I haven't been writing about it because it has actually been going quite swimmingly. My kids have been gone, and I feel like i've been getting a healthy amount of privacy in their absence. Pansy's kids are so unobtrusive and sweetly self-sufficient that there hasn't been any issue with me feeling interrupted. If anything, I feel like I haven't been doing ENOUGH.

We're about to introduce a good deal more structure into our lives and I think that will be a good thing. I always tend to slack off towards the end of the season and begin each new quarter with renewed vigor. Pansy's doing history with the kids...I'm doing a computer class, I think. Math is handled independently. I've got some science curriculum on order from Singapore Math, mostly to give Monk more opportunity to write. We are also still doing Writing Strands 4 times a week or so. I have the kids from the morning until the afternoon & then Pansy and whoever else takes over. Pansy's starting school this semester, so it should be interesting to see how we adapt to that. I'm actually thankful for it. I like the feeling of more clear-cut lines of responsibility. I think it tends to all fall on Pansy's shoulders more than I'm comfortable - often by necessity. But it causes a weird need differential that creeps me out. Plus, I think there's an element of Pansy being the oldest sibling in her family and me being the youngest in mine that, while I am older than her, actually causes a weird dynamic between us sometimes. I feel like it's too easy for me to allow her to do too much. Now I've had plenty of time to myself. I've taken good care of myself, and I'm ready to contribute fully to the community here.

So, that's it. We all had a great holiday, I think. I know I did. I'm ready to start up work again today. I feel fresh. I spent my last night of freedom (not really, but drama can be fun!) at a movie - Brokeback Mountain, which I will write about later. My birthday is Thursday. Thursday. Thursday. And I am giving myself a special treat this coming weekend while the kids are at their dad's house.

I've set an artistic goal for myself to have a book self-published by the end of the year. I am going to hit all of you up to buy it, so start saving up now! I've been really happy with my writing these past couple of weeks, and I've been looking back and finding a lot of stuff that is easily edited for publication. The hardest part will be deciding what goes and what doesn't, but I suppose I can always write more books.

I think I'm going to try to take a road trip up to Chicago with the kiddos in the spring. It depends on work. I have been taking the holidays off a lot, and I don't want to assume that I can get them off at that time, especially since I'm really hoping that I can drag a co-worker along with me for the ride & it really won't be the same without this person.

Anyway, I hear Coley looking up, wondering where I am. He's in need of lots of love today - having just come home from his dad's. They are both all cute and full and happy and somehow bigger and broader. It's nice. It seems like the time away was good for them, even if they did miss me. Monk even let me hug and kiss him. Coley, of course, insisted on it.

I hope everyone is doing well.

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Anderson's Aqua

January 3, 2006

Here's a story that coley just wrote. You are only getting about 5% of the experience without the pictures, but I still think it's really cute.

Anderson's Aqua
By Cole Sequoia Lark D. L. (age 5)

Once upon a time
Anderson's old ship has been sold.
He bought a new ship with "X" flags because, of course, that's the signal of English.

British
The British invented stone, wood, and rubber

Russian
Russians made true casteles, palaces, and houses

Samurais
Samurais were very good. Samurais had two swords and were very good at attacking.

English
The English were very good and they also were gooder than the French.

Villagers
Villagers could make temples and all sorts of buildings, but they couldn't forge stone. They could only forge gold and silver.

Soldiers
Soldiers could just be really good. they could attack, fight, and do all sorts of stuff.

Mountains
You can make mountains in scenarios, but that's all.

Bushes
Bushes can be very good at forging with.

Canadians
Canadians only had spears. I don't know why.

The end.

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More deconstruction of the Father's Rights movement from Trish.

January 3, 2006

The Countess: Yet Another Fathers' Rights Manual On How To Keelhawl "The Bitch"

Offered without comment from me.

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Bite me, conservative christian uptight assholes.

January 2, 2006

Gay News From 365Gay.com

Christian political action groups that spearheaded the move to amend the state constitution to ban same-sex marriage are pressuring the university to stop allowing student fees to go to the center, the Dallas Morning news reports.
The fees are collected by the student government which then allocates the funds. The UT Board of Regents has the power to overrule the use of the money.

The conservative groups say that students opposed to homosexuality should not be forced to fund the center.

Some state representatives also are planning to oppose funding for the facility. Legislation is expected to be introduced in the next session that would forbid the university from permitting fees from being used, but would allow private donations to fund the center.

Seriously. That's all I can muster when I see shit like this. You know what, jerkweeds? I don't wany my income taxes to go towards funding the education of uptight homophobic assholes like you. How's that?

[link via zeebah]

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I also Believe.

January 2, 2006

Crabby and loved by some: Something I just have to admit

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You are Free Now

January 2, 2006

It's hard not to dwell on the bittersweet. As the end of the year coincides with the end of my vacation. The end of hours of introspection and freedom of time and movement, and possibly the end of such wonderful, soul-satiating all-night chat sessions with such a dear heart. But First Night was about beginnings, as well. And as the year drew to a close, in spite of the temptation to dwell on the more maudlin aspects of this time, the lights and the sounds and the experiences and the people kept drawing me back into the present, reminding me that I Am Free Now.

The day began as another one of those continuations of the day before. More late-night talking, more too-early rising, more alternating between lamenting and luxuriating in the lax laziness of my vacation. I think I did some laundry, washed the dishes, listened to some music, took some time out to write a few things down, took a shower...and fell asleep.

I got a call at nearly 4 that woke me from my slumber, which was fine, because I was expecting to be out of here around 3 anyway. I had allowed myself to be talked into actually leaving the house on New Year's Eve, which says much about my state of mind and the gentle good influences of my partner-in-crime (hereafter referred to as "cricket" on account of his shiny black soul that chirps and hops about in seemingly random but purposeful direction). The plan had been to arrive (alive) at 4 PM (not five) and see the bboys dancing outside of the Frost Bank. We got there at 4:30 and First Night Austin was in full swing & thankfully for us the bboys (and girls) had evidently been awaiting our arrival, because they didn't start dancing until 5, anyway.

The dancing, I thought, was good. & when it was over, we met up with cricket's friend and wandered a bit, then watched the parade go by. A very impressive parade, if I do say so myself. I was snapping pictures like I was insane (and maybe I am) and enjoying the hell out of the spectacle, the lights, the various weird ideas of what the end of the year actually means, from vehicular insects to giant, stilt-walking puppets to juggling to, what else? The gleeful participation in the world's suffering.

The end of the parade was anti-climactic. There was no grand finale. It was like it was there, and suddenly it ended and the crowd closed in on the street so it was hard to tell that it had ever been there at all, which seemed to be a theme of the evening. We would arrive at an event, and it would end, and then there was nothing there at all, only we would still be staring off into space at where the something replaced by nothing once stood.

At any rate, after the parade was dinner, and we won't go into details there. I had a veggie burger. It tasted good. I also enjoyed my fries and the company of my dear, sweet cricket.

Dinner ended, and we walked down the middle of the First Street Bridge. The chalk drawings on the street were about the best example of ephemeralist art that I have seen in a long time, and ephemereality seemed to be the flow of the evening. Life and love are about as fleeting as chalk on a sidewalk. One good rain or a million pounding feet and it's history. Water under the bridge. Faded photographs or words that paint thin remniscient contours of the vibrance of what Was. And, like this essay, actually, all that is left is sentimentality tinged with bliss and/but vague dread. And, sure enough, by the time we reached the beginning of the bridge, the chalk was already fading. I wanted to hold my cricket's hand, hug him close, and be all clingy in the moment, but I stopped myself - reminding myself that worrying about impermanence doesn't make it any less so, it only destroys the present. Time cannot be stopped. We move about, searching, finding, connecting, reconnecting, disconnecting, Being. What is offered is what is real. Past and Potential are mythology.

All of this smiling morbidity made me that much more appreciative of the surreality of the evening. The flowers in the pot in the hallway inside of 1 Congress, where inside, people were dancing and clapping silently behind the glass while we stood outside in relative calm, looking in. A man with a banner that said "2006" with tinseled streamers also stood outside. We turned away to find the spirit of the evening made flesh in silhouette by The Shadow Catcher. A long, clotheslined banner of various people caught in reflected poses. Bikes, dancers, children, kissers. Utterly alone and together with cricket my cricket, I felt a shuddering familiarity in the presence of the people who had passed through and allowed themselves to be indelibly inked onto these sheets. It was heartbreakingly beautiful, and it made me ache for something eternal.

Then up to the slam poet telling a story about his popeye moments that made me laugh. And buildings and lights and more and more absurd spectacularity. We sat in the plaza while people walked all around us. I think it was at this point that I turned to my companion and said "People aren't so bad." And he grinned in that way he does when he's been staring off into space with No Smile and suddenly realizes that I am looking at him & that he wants me to know that he is OK. It's a crooked, broad, tight-lipped, mouth-only smile that makes my heart melt every time. It's a smile unconsciously designed to make me smile back. Shine eyes. Glad. Chirp chirp.

We made our way down to see the fire dancers next & that was OK, but more an excuse to sit for awhile. I enjoyed the sweet comments of the kid who was absolutely floored by the performances "We loved your act!" I observed the way the flashing lights of the cop cars reflected off of the water, but couldn't capture it on film in spite of my best efforts.

And suddenly, a yawn and it was time to enter the Real World again and head home. "Do you want to stay for the fireworks?" "I've seen fireworks before. It's no big deal." And it wasn't. I had been rapidly approaching my fill for hours, but didn't mind overfilling for this one night. These two weeks have been an exercise in overfillment that has been good for me. & what's one more night anyway?

So, we ascended, serenaded by the sweet innocent graffiti on the undercarriage of the 1st street bridge: "You are Free Now" "F-word" "You are Special" and some dude's phone number repeated like the scenery in the background of a roadrunner cartoon. Ascended, up and up and up onto the street, through more crowds, where children were playing in globs of snow-esque soap that acted as the misted veil between the fairlyland we were departing and I could almost hear the overture of bells and harps as we entered the overly squeaky-clean, yet somehow gritty reality of the world of 6th street. We scoffed at the drunks and made our way to the car, only to go home and drink Kahlua and ring in the New Year in a more mellow way. Listening to music, talking, enjoying life.

On the way home, I had wondered out loud about what I did on New Year's Day last year, because surely it was not as awesome as this celebration. We checked the blog when we got home to find that I was about as dopey in my joy of the celebrations of the past 2-3 years as I had been all night in the presence of my cricket and the good folks of First Night Austin, TX, 2006. It's like I'm fucking addicted to hope. The joy is neverending. Much like these days of vacation continuation...

The day, New Year's Day, was much the same as the day before. Too little sleep, too much enjoyment of the all that surrounds me to complain about the lack. Activity in waves. Music. Conversation. Connection. All threaded with the fought-back acknowledgement that these experiences are temporal in nature and/but in spite of that, they are always replaced by something equally if not more beautiful, giving rise to more and different and better and sometimes just other to create a rolling, roiling eternity that exists on this pindrop of life and love and beauty. Which, really, is what the past is for, anyway. So that when the panic of non-existence or changed existence begins to rise, I can look back on those photographs (real and imagined) and remind myself, "I am Free Now" and I can smile into the void.

And the void smiles back. Crookedly. To let me know that he is OK.

Posted at 4:09 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack

Holiday photos

January 1, 2006

IMG_1076
Originally uploaded by Dru.

I just uploaded a bunch of photos from the solstice and first night celebrations. Enjoy.

I have a post in mind that I want to write about last night, but I think I'm too tired to do it justice right now. It was a great New Year's celebration, though. I'm happy I got out of the house.

Posted at 10:33 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack