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« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »

Lived experience versus rhetoric - an open letter to 16 volt.

January 31, 2006

Dear 16-volt dimbulb,

You can attempt to assail my "rhetoric" as much as you desire, but the fact is that this is not a rhetorical blog. When I write about my feelings about love and divorce and relationships and poverty and injustice, I am writing about my lived experiences and my interactions with life, and that cannot be assailed. You cannot know how I feel about a man or all men or any man. And your lack of that knowledge causes your own rhetorical arguments to ring with a dissonance that is deafening to me.

When I started this blog, I wanted to avoid political content except as viewed through the lens of personal experience. Granted, I haven't always done that. Sometimes I immerse myself in media and bring you my impersonal response to politics. But, for the most part, I bring you me here. This is intentional. The good thing is that I've become impervious to people who attempt to assault my status as a human by using my own honesty about my personal situations as a weapon against me. It's actually that very tendency - the tendency for people to invalidate honesty or discourage subjectivity or shun emotion, nurtured by the patriarchy, that is what I am fighting against.

So, you go on raging against your little feminist windmills, dude. I'll keep living, loving, experiencing, and writing about it. With or without your approval. With or without your understanding. With or without your consent. I guess in that way I am ambivalent towards you...but I'm not looking for any validation from you anyway, so I suppose it doesn't matter.

Blogging the State of the Union

January 31, 2006

I'm in the fullbleed chatroom if you want to cuss along with me.

http://fullbleed.net/chatroom/phpMyChat.php3

Oh, whatever with the wrinkly eyebrows and humbly folded hands.

WTF does "continue to lead" mean? Is that an aphorism for "continue to wage endless war."

"no one can deny the success of freedom, but some men rage and fight against it." Who wrote this shit?

Oh, my, fucking, god. This is the same speech as last year. They will bring the battle to our shores. Um. Isn't this getting old? When is he going to start talking about steroid use?

Many, many people are not applauding.

We've "changed our approach to reconstruction" - is this foreboding?

What the fuck ever. Second guessing is not second guessing. Hindsight IS wisdom, if you fucking pay attention to it. Guess what, it's called HISTORY, dude.

The token military guy just rolled his eyes.

He just introduced the Clay family. Will he introduce Cindy Sheehan? Is she there?

Nice evil wink there. Yeah. Dragging out the dead soldier's family really got him some props. Fucking asshole.

Here we go "The same is true of Iran" - Is he building a case here? He's building steam. Fuck.

Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.

"America will continue to rally the world to confront these threats."

Now he's speaking to the citizens of Iran...didn't he do this with Iraq?

Fuck.

What about a free from poverty United States?

Did he just say "expand the education of girls?" WTF?

"by statue." Our president has authority by statue! Evidently, he's been talking to large slabs of marble again.

Quit fucking yelling at me, fucker. I am not a terrorist and you have no right to my privacy.

Hillary laughs, and shakes her head.

Endless war.

Endless war.

Endless war.

Endless war.

Freedom is NOT endless war.

Even the cat is talking back at the television.

MEOW MEOW MEOW george meowfuckmeow Bush!

Wipe that fucking smarmy smirk off yr face. fucker.

This is what the former economy guru has to say about budget cuts. [hat tip to Pansy]

the American Competetitiveness Initiative. Oh fucking great!

Cindy Sheehan was mysteriously arrested prior to the speech. NoicE! [hat tip to spacemom in chat]

"Our greatness is not measured in power or luxuries, but by who we are or how we treat each other."

Violent crime rates are down...but hey! Let's arrest Cindy fucking Sheehan.

HUMAN ANIMAL HYBRIDS? Right, dude. Next he'll be decrying the existence of LIGERS!

Yeah. All we have LEFT is hope.

Leave it in the hand of the Christians, The freaking INVENTORS of stigma, to end the stigma of aids!

"We are in the middle of an ideological conflict we did nothing to invite."

Mr. President. Bite me. The End.

Where you will find me tonight.

January 31, 2006

With my notebook and my camera. Also, my yo-yo.

First here:

January 31, 2006

Annual State of the Union Bridge Action

5:00-6:30 on the sidewalks of the Congress Ave bridge. People are encouraged to bring signs and be vocal. We may also have a fund raiser immediately following featuring Guy Forsythe.

Then here:

Austin: Austin City Hall (downtown, where S. 1st St. Bridge meets Cesar Chavez) 7:00 pm, Rally with speakers: Laurie Felker, NARAL Pro-Choice Texas (formerly TARAL) Davis Ferris, Adjunct Professor of Government, more TBA

8:00 pm Drown Out Event - (Real time-State of the Union Address)

Join me.

I wrote this for you

January 31, 2006

Weird how the whole world seems to be sliding to shit. Coretta Scott King has died. Last night in my bed, red-rimmed eyes. He reaches out. Is it fear, confusion, or lack of knowledge. How can I not? How can he? Love exists within us all. I know that it is fluid and can penetrate and/or wear down even the hardest stone walls. I will attempt to teach as I was taught. I will attempt to heal as I was healed. And in the teaching and the healing, I will learn and heal myself. I touch, and in touching, I am touched. The privilege is in the touching - the nerve endings are in the fingers. And in loving, I am loved. Openly and unrelentingly.

You don't owe me anything.

But this world outside is another matter. The children play, oblivious. I try to not think too hard. Revolution is inevitable - somehow it starts internally and radiates outward. Calm and centered, I become more and more conservative as I become more and more radical. Focusing on truth. Walking the dog. Doing the dishes. Cooking a meal. Loving utterly, completely, fully this life and all who trespass here.

Coley comes into my room in the morning. Snuggles up to me. Snuggles in to me. I love him. He is dear. He loves me. Mama. The form and the function. I am mama. Form and Function. Sometimes it takes a radical shift to appreciate the most basic things. Hanging laundry. Looking at leaves. The line of blue sky against bare-tipped branches. The curve of a lip. Eyelashes. Fingernails. The sound of your breath. A dog's nose. All of these reveal entire miraculous ecstatic eternal wisdom.

I love you because you are you. I love you because I am me. I love you. Because. Thank you.

Unschooling on CNN

January 30, 2006

Did anyone watch the CNN segment on Unschooling last night? Did anyone happen to tape it? How badly did they hack it?

Judging from this article, it could have gone either way.

Monday Morning Bloghopping.

January 30, 2006

It's been awhile...so let's see what everyone on ye olde blogroll is talking about:

Ms. Pansy is back. I was dismayed when she mentioned she might not blog again, but I'm pleased that she might have found a way to use the space.

Red Head Dread posted about Sundown Towns in an adult book review last week. I meant to link it up then, but I didn't really have a place to do it at that point.

Did you hear that r@d@r is a papa now? So is Burning Door. Go wish them and their spouses a hearty congrats. But don't make too much noise!

For your lesson in anthropology, Jason Godesky talks about forced sustainability and The Kwakiutl.

Small Hands celebrated a birthing day last week.

Mquest posts a series of snow day photos, accompanied by eco-centric quotes, and they are wonderful. Except the permalinks don't work. So just look for the photos from January 29th or visit his flickr page.

Janine responds to the 7 things meme. I'm adding her reads to my book list!

The suspense is killing me.

Five Blue talks about the Canada election. Permalinks aren't working, but if you scroll down to posts from Jan 23 & Jan 24, you will see.

Badger links up this nifty Blog Cloud tool. Here's my blog cloud:

No one else is posting to randomwalks, so y'all are stuck with this. (Did I mention that DJ and Adam are my heroes?)

Richard posts about independent places of learning, which pretty much cements my commitment to attend the Historians Against War conference here in Austin. Howard Zinn is the keynote speaker! If anyone wants to sponsor my registration, feel free to hit the paypal link. I promise I will bring my gigantic laptop with me and blog all about it.

And, on that note, it's time for me to hang out with the kiddos!

Nerds of a Feather.

January 29, 2006

You know...I am the biggest fucking hypocrite on the face of the planet. After that nice post last night about always looking on the bright side of things, I woke up today surly as all shit and I swear I did not say a single kind word to my kiddos all morning. Then I dragged them out to the Lunar New Year celebration and while I enjoyed the festivities, I continued on my bitch rampage until well past the time when we arrived home.

It was the word fuck that saved me. I just started talking to Monk in Dude speak, and cussing a lot in a silly way, and we laughed and laughed while I uploaded pictures onto my flickr account. Then both boys came to snuggle in the bed. I apologized for being a major butt, and everyone was happy again.

But, damn...I hate it when I can't apply my Rules For Getting Along With Others to my own fucking kids, you know? I feel like such an ass, even when we do make up.

And I realized, too, that I haven't been concentrating on them enough. I've been distracted. The distraction has been nice, but it's really time to get down to some decent parenting here - especially considering the situation we are in and all of its inherent stresses. Monk's such a sweet kiddo, but he's getting older, and if I don't start really focusing on the foundation of our relationship, I'm going to end up with a Teenager Who Doesn't Talk To Me. And that would suck. Really hard.

And, also, I realize that in my endless pursuit for family I tend to forget that I have plenty of family right here with my guys. It's silly to seek after something that I have no control over when I could be building that connection and strengthening those ties right here with the people who need me the most and mean the most to me. Not that I've neglected them in my pursuits, but in spite of the fact that I want to build myself up to be Ms. Merry Sunshine, I think there's a part of me that gets really depressed about and fed up with being a single parent. And while I'm not actually actively pursuing a parenting partner right now, I think I do exert a lot of energy attempting to find a place for myself where I am wanted - without fully considering where I am truly needed. If that makes any sense.

So, when Coley went to bed, I turned to Monk and I said "Dude...let's watch that documentary about whales!"

He was giddy, and I laughed at him. I said "We are SUCH nerds to get all excited about watching a documentary! The second this weekend! It's like a nerd DATE, dude!"

And Monk leaned in conspiratorily and said "Next time, to be extra nerdy, we should watch a NOVA video...about BEES!"

"Noway, dude! That's, like, extra SUPER nerdy." Says I.

Monk responds "Dude...I've SEEN it!"

And we laugh.

I guess we're going to be OK after all.

new photos up on flickr

January 29, 2006

Including, for those who expressed an interest, my 1987 yearbook photo. I don't often yearn to be young and beautiful again...but this picture makes me wish I would have maybe used my cuteness to my advantage more than I actually did. Damn you, teen angst and self-loathing!

Also, lots of pics by coley, a couple of self-portraits AND pictures of the lunar new year celebration. Yay!

The Kids are Alright

January 29, 2006

Coley woke me up this morning by coming into my room and giving me a scalp massage. I opened my eyes, and he said "I LOOOOOVE you, mama." He almost always wakes up in a cheerful mood. I think I trained him to. Did I ever tell you about the time in my life (oh, about 2 years of it...maybe even 3. I've really kind of blocked it out.) when the baby Cole used to stay up all night screaming, and how many times I had to restrain myself from throwing that child out the window as I, coley in sling, paced around the living room so tired I thought I would fucking drop dead from exhaustion while my ex slept, locked away from all of that inconvenience - or even sat in the rocking chair in the living room, watching me...and the only thing I could do to keep myself from throwing myself off the top of the nearest tall building was to wake up every morning with my moody babe-in-arms, carry him outside in the sling I was perenially bedecked in - no matter what the weather - and, as sincerely as I could muster...usually through tears and with trembling voice - say "Look, Coley...another beautiful day."

Did I ever tell you about the first thing I remember Coley saying when he would wake me up after he learned how to talk? He would roll over in bed, place his little hands on either side of my face, and when my eyes would open, his little face would be all seriously grinningly earnest and he would say "Mama! Wake up! It's another beautiful day!" I'm pretty sure I burst into tears the first time he did this. I thought "I trained him to do that, and if I can train HIM, I can train myself. It might take a little longer, but I'm going to do it."

It's true.

And last night, Monk. I managed to find a babysitter for Cole (thankyouthankyouthankyou Megan!) so I took my little Monkeyman out on a date to see a political documentary at Spiderhouse. We ate frito pie and he drank orangina and read his book. He said the Orangina wasn't as good as he remembered, and the Frito Pie was "not bad, but not that great" (I thought it was delicious) and when the movie was over, he said "It wasn't as good as I was expecting it to be." But somehow he said all of these things without descending into self pity. He ATE the chili. He DRANK the Orangina. He sat PATIENTLY through the movie (even though it was way over his head and most of it was in Spanish with subtitles.) And then he acknowledged his feelings about it and we moved on.

Some kids are more prone to drama than others. In ways, that's actually healthier (even though it is a huge pain in the ass to deal with.) I have the seesaw of Monk and Cole, where Monk tends to hold things in too much and Cole tends to dwell to what I feel is an excessive degree. Encouraging them to find that middle ground is good. I'm as alarmed and dismayed when I hear my children say "I shouldn't cry about things" as I am when they throw a screaming fucking temper tantrum. Perhaps moreso - even though the thought of them never crying again can sometimes sound appealing.

We've been working with all of the kids on this. It's a fine line to walk with them. You don't want to teach kids to supress their feelings, but you also don't want people crying their eyes out over a broken stick (which, believe me, has happened). So the trick is to allow them to acknowledge their feelings, encourage them to release, and then convince them to let go. It's pretty fucking awesome to witness this learning process. I think it's such a healthy way to deal with emotions, and I wish someone had taught me how to do it sooner. I think it's a lesson we all can benefit from.

True Sounds of Liberty

January 29, 2006

It seems appropriate that I should choose Beneath the Shadows to accompany me on tonight's walk. This pre-hardcore TSOL release served as a soundtrack to some of my favorite years of days long ago, in which people who are currently resurfacing played such a large part in the drama of my life.

People resurfacing seems to be a theme. We watched Whale Rider yesterday, after having read the book to my kiddos over the past month or so. I love the part where she resurfaces -and just...lets go. And lives. Isn't that strange? The most frightening things we can think of can just happen, and then we let go and live.

I've been enforcing boundaries lately with my kids. The living situation here, while wonderful, is hard for me. I have to remember that it affects me. I have to remember who I fundamentally am, and what my experiences have shaped in me. One of the things I fundamentally am is really hugely fucking shy. Like, as in "I really need to go hide from everyone" shy. Sometimes I forget that. This living situation has reminded me why I called myself the Oyster all those years ago. I can be in mid-conversation with someone, and I'm halfway walking towards the door, ready to shut myself away. It's no one's fault. It just is. So I told my kids "listen, you guys need to knock before you come into my room. Because your mommy really really really loves people, but she also really really really needs privacy and time to herself in order to fully express the love she feels for people."

It's great how having kids - and to some extent, having roommates - forces you to verbalize the things that can become unconscious behaviors. Saying that out loud explained some of my more roller-coastery moments over the past few weeks. Explained my feelings of terror and my urges to flee. I need to remember that I have the ability to make that choice, gently. To let myself be by myself. And that just because I have the urge to flee does not mean that I am angry or hurt or even sad, but that I just need to recharge in order to fully express my love for everyone.

Today, I've been thinking about letting go. And living. I've been thinking a lot about joy and sorrow, and how odd it is that when I feel that razor edge that separates the two extremes in my life, I am propelled towards joy. On the verge of tears, I found popcorn tofu, and flirted recklessly and charmingly with the deli counter person & wasn't even embarrassed when my overzealousness resulted in a spilled ramiken of vegan dill mayo. Then I flirted some more with the checkout person. She told me she found it appalling that all of the qualities on the magnet that described Saggitarians that her co-workers had stuck to her booth (she being a sag) were negative traits. I told her I found those traits to be absolutely endearing. And smiled, thinking of some of my favorite Saggitarians, and how those traits were so endearing in my experience of them. And suddenly the gulf between my joy and my sorrow widened, and I wasn't in any danger of plunging to the depths.

Isn't that funny?

Later in the day, I came home and Pansy and I snuck away and locked ourselves in my room with the popcorn tofu and ate it all up without sharing ANY of it with the children. And we laughed and laughed and laughed about stupid stuff. And talked about how the happiest people are also the saddest people. And how silly it is to wallow or dwell in that sadness when it laps right up against the shores of happiness. Why not just say fuck it all and just be fucking happy? Which is what I do. And it was funny, because I realized my tendency to redirect myself - to right myself - actually is a direct result of the hellishness I endured in my relationship with L. And, while it probably contributed to my staying in that relationship a lot longer than maybe I should have, it also gave me a tremendous talent for finding the good in any situation and riding that good into Actual Goodness.

And I realized that I am absofuckinglutely broken, and posifuckinglutely invincible. And, too, I'm learning that everyone is broken - so why cry over your own disrepair when there are so many people to bring cheer to? Including deli counter girls and cashiers and people in bands and dear sweet friends.

Which brings me to the soundtrack. I'm taking a trip to Chicago in March, so I've set about getting back in touch with various old friends. I do this a lot. I lose people and refind them. It feels like I spend my entire life doing this, actually. And I'm always amazed when I rediscover how fucking awesome my friends are, and always have been. JS tells me he sees people as "energy and movement" - and he's taking lots of photos again. I adore him. I always have. PK says she has taken up cooking as a therapeutic pastime. The thought of sharing a kitchen with her for an afternoon makes me want to squeal with delight! Gardner is just always Gardner, and I love him so much I want to reach through the phone lines and pinch him. So many great stories. I am brimming. And that's just three out of the many I wish to recontact. I can't wait for more. If Mr. Raven decides to come out from California while I'm there, I Might possibly EXPLODE.

All of these people are my Friends, and they have all been surrogate family at certain points in my life. And, you know what? To some degree, they have all witnessed, participated in, and even caused so much fucking sorrow in my life that it's almost incomprehensible. And yet...all I can think about is the joy of having known them...of still knowing them. I feel like the luckiest fucking person on the face of the planet when I think about the people who have shared themselves with me. And that makes all of the vulnerability I feel in all of my current relationships with people seem so precious and wonderful. Years from now, I will look adoringly upon the people who are in my life right now and remember all the shit we went through, and I will smile.

Two words. Well, Four.

January 28, 2006

Wheatsville co-op. Popcorn Tofu.

Can I get a HELL YEAH?!

Oh my freaking god, this stuff is so freaking tasty. I think the deli person thought I was freaking stoned, I was so excited about it. hahahaha.

Also, is anyone going to see this film at Spiderhouse tonight? I'll be there with my kids, provided it is not raining. If anyone wants to come and buy me a "congratulations on the new domain name" coffee, that'd be great! Or, you could buy Monk an Orangina. He'd like that.

Yay Austin!

Grey.

January 28, 2006

Now that I have the new space, I can't think of the five hundred gazillion things I thought "I need to blog that" about through the week.

Oh well, because it's grey and rainy outside and the kids are all gathered around the warm glow of Saturday Morning Cartoons and all I want to do is curl back up in my nicesmelling bed and snuggle with someone or at least my pillow because my laundry is out on the line all wet with rain and I am inside all ripe with lavender and warm thoughts and sweetness and instead, though, I need to get dressed and go to work.

Blah.

Rainy days after so much fucking annoying sunshine should be automatic days off.

Damnit.

Moved!

January 27, 2006

Yay! Comment if you've made the leap, and please change your links to reflect the new url: http://drublood.com

Moving!

January 20, 2006

This blog will soon be moving to a fancy schmancy new host and will have a fancy schmancy new domain name. I won't be posting this weekend, so prepare to change your fancy schmancy links.

thx! mwah!

Oh, PS...in case something happens that I can't keep my big mouth shut about, you can find me temporarily at fullbleed.net/drublood.

Friday Random Ten - Version Full Weekend Ahead.

January 20, 2006

Lots of stuff planned this weekend. I wonder what the soundtrack will be like.

1. Sonic Youth - Green Light
2. De La Soul - Me, Myself and I
3. Jimmy Cross - I Want My Baby Back
4. Violent Femmes - I Held Her In My Arms
5. Nick Cave - Red Right Hand
6. PJ Harvey - A Perfect Day Elise
7. Cletus - Somewhere Down The Road
8. New Order & Depeche Mode - Bizarre Love Triangle
9. Eastern Dub Tactic - Brothers and Sisters
10. Portishead - Sour Times (Nobody Loves me)

Jan 19 news & blog roundup

January 19, 2006

(because I refuse to use the phrase "blog dump")

Mr Morales has said in the past that one of his priorities will be to seek more rights for Bolivia's indigenous majority.

"Here, the indigenous people will be ministers," he said on Wednesday.

"Someone said that when we Quechuas and Aymaras were in government we'd make a ministry for white people, but we won't discriminate."

[source]

***

"The Voyage" is a nice introduction to the concept of saving face and sparing feelings. But it’s also about navigating a system you don’t need, one that actually slows you down in order for other people to do their jobs. It’s about other people not believing that you can actually accomplish something for yourself, about misguided good intentions and wasted time. It’s about bureaucracy in general and, viewed through my lens, school in particular.

I look back on my own institutional-school career in the honors program at a series of exemplary public schools and I see mostly boredom, bureaucratic hoops that had to be jumped through, and oceans of wasted time. Rules are rules. What you as an indivudal may need or can do is neither here nor there in a system devoted to itself.

[source] (I really need to start posting to the homeschool blog)
***

Scientists believe that new habitats for butterflies are early effects of global climate change -- but that isn't news, by most people's measure. Neither is declining rainfall in the Amazon, or thinner ice in the Arctic. We can't see these changes in our personal lives, and in that sense, they are abstractions. So they don't grab us the way a plane crash would -- even though they may be harbingers of a catastrophe that could, quite literally, alter the fundamentals of life on the planet. And because they're not "news," the environmental changes don't prompt action, at least not in the United States.

[source]
***

Nigeria's government is planning a specific ban on same-sex marriages, with five years in jail for anyone who has a gay wedding or officiates at one.

Information Minister Frank Nweke told the BBC the government was taking the "pre-emptive step" because of developments elsewhere in the world.

[source] (Looks like we're exporting pre-emption and hatred quite well! If we could only charge some sort of tax on that, we'd be set!)
***

The Italian government has announced that it will pull its troops out of Iraq by the end of the year.

[source] ***

Iran is the regional superstate. If ever there were a realpolitik demanding to be "hugged close" it is this one, however distasteful its leader and his centrifuges. If you cannot stop a man buying a gun, the next best bet is to make him your friend, not your enemy.

[source] ***

The official Vatican newspaper published an article this week labeling as "correct" the recent decision by a judge in Pennsylvania that intelligent design should not be taught as a scientific alternative to evolution.

"If the model proposed by Darwin is not considered sufficient, one should search for another," Fiorenzo Facchini, a professor of evolutionary biology at the University of Bologna, wrote in the Jan. 16-17 edition of the paper, L'Osservatore Romano.

"But it is not correct from a methodological point of view to stray from the field of science while pretending to do science," he wrote, calling intelligent design unscientific. "It only creates confusion between the scientific plane and those that are philosophical or religious."

[source] [via]
***

and, finally...

If Wal-Mart were a state, it would rank 39th in population, right behind Nebraska -- and that doesn't include the dependents of the company's 1.7 million employees.

This company doesn't negotiate discounted prices from suppliers of everything from panties to popcorn; it mandates them. Wal-Mart makes unions tremble and politicians swoon. It could grab a health-insurance provider by the throat, shake it a few times for effect, then swing the sweetest healthcare coverage deal in the universe.

But why should it, when it can pass its health-insurance costs to taxpayers?

[source]

A follow up to last night's "falling apart" post.

January 18, 2006

Spending a day with seven children tends to cause a lot of reflection. In this case, I was thinking about my reaction to the events of last night that were vaguely alluded to in my earlier post. I think I need to give myself and my unwillingness to respond to people in the moment a lot more credit than I have. I have learned that it's best to allow people a day or so to think about their situation before addressing how it affects me, and I have found that this is generally a wise thing to do. It's important to note the subtle way in which people come back to events and address issues that were left hanging. It's crucial to respect that, and to give people a chance to "come to" in their own time and make decisions independent of my own bullshit reactions to their actions. Processing emotions too quickly can cause an endless chain of defensiveness and reaction without any hope of resolution. We are all putting the pieces together slowly, and we have time to figure it out together.

For my part, however, I feel like there's a certain amount of narcissism in my unwillingness to trust my own instincts about things. It might seem like anti-narcissism, but it really is just the ego in a different form entering into my interactions with people. The need to seek advice from people, and the tendency I have to trust others' wisdom more than my own is not necessarily the most healthy way of going about things. Although it is good to seek, be receptive to, and process the insight of others, ultimately I need to trust that I make good decisions. I do. And I'm getting better and better at trusting this, but there is still, obviously, some work to do. In the interim, I'm asking for validation from people to a greater degree than is necessary...and sometimes the divergence in feedback that I get from what I know to be true negatively impacts my self-image. The truth is somewhere in between. And I can't blame those who are offering their wisdom, because I am fortunate to have relationships with people who are gentle in their approach and (because I make wise choices about those who I spend my time with) truly are concerned about my well-being...it is, instead, the way I internally and externally react to this wisdom that I need to be careful of. I need to be careful to not invalidate my own process by being overly reliant on the advice of others.

Anyway, this is all stuff that has been going through my head as I have spent the day bouncing from one conflict to the next between the children and the others in my care today. There's probably more to it than that, but my brain is now tired and needs a rest. Ha!

Changes afoot at drublood

January 18, 2006

Hey everyone,

There are some changes brewing here in drublood blogland. The site is being moved to a different server and will end up with a different url, so be prepared to change yr linky links!

Also, if anyone is interested in donating a couple of bucks to cover server costs and the new domain, that would be fab. You can hit the paypal link on the sidebar. I've already paid my wonderful hosts, but I'd like to give them extra for all of their help over the past 3 years or so.

Thanks & Take care!

Relationships in the post-children apocalypse

January 18, 2006

I remember when it first became apparent that I was breaking up with L, and I would soon be joining the ranks of single mothers everywhere. I was on the phone bumming and mulling with my friend Gar, and I moaned "Who on earth is going to date a woman with two children and a deaf dog?"

I don't remember how Gar responded to that. Gar's always been good about pumping me up, though. He probably said something like "Buck up, buckaroo - you don't need no stinking man, anyway." Honestly, it really doesn't matter what he said so much as the fact that I was so certain that my status as a mother and caretaker was a negative/burdensome thing that there would be no way that anyone would be able to overlook that and see what I have to offer instead of what I might potentially take away.

In fact, I was so relieved when I started hanging out with J, before we were dating, that he had an ease with the children. The fact that he viewed them as an asset was one of the reasons I found him so attractive. Here was an opportunity to overcome my fear that I would have to live a secret life of a mama while surreptitiously dating men during visitation weekends and, ostensibly, living a double life. Disconnecting my mamahood from my womanhood, I suppose, is one way to deal with the conundrum of dating within the confines of single parenthood.

Things with J worked out well for awhile. He was enthusiastic about me AND the children. But the children are full-on. And, as well, they require consistent presence if you are to be open to seeing the full breadth of who they are. Seeing the children once or twice a week gives a warped representation of what it's like to be with them - for the better or for the worse. Eventually, J's enthusiasm for them waned. He spent less and less time with them, making the time he did spend with them more intense and, I think, fraught. Until, finally, I couldn't deal at all. It was either he not see them at all, and I take on the aformentioned double identity...or he gradually disappear from our lives entirely, which I guess is what he chose.

Over the past few months, no fewer than 3 male acquaintances of mine have told me they would never date a woman with children. Now, this statement was not directed at me as a form of rejection, as to my knowledge, dating is not really on the table with any of these 3. and I don't think it was intended to be mean or insensitive, either ("intentional insensitivity" - now THERE'S an interesting concept) but each time it was said, I felt...well...slapped.

I mean, of course my self-soothing internal dialog went something like "Whatever, dude...your loss." But there's more to it than that. I mean, I don't have a lot of time in my life for superfluous friendships, so generally the people I spend time with are people I greatly admire, find worthy, and share commonality with. So to hear them say that they would reject me because of my status as a parent is not something I take lightly - because it probably means that potential love interests might do the same.

But also, regardless of whether my relationship to someone (and, it's ironic that it's my male friends who express a resistance to relationships to women with children) is platonic or romantic, it's short-sighted for someone to say such a thing to me. Either way, these men and my relationship with them are benefitting from my experience as a mama. Whether I am dating someone or not & whether my children have a presence in the relationship or not, what I bring to the table in any relationship I am in is me - a woman with children. And while I don't feel that I overly identify as "someone's mom" I certainly can't be divorced from that reality. Having children has, in large part, shaped who I am. Anyone who loves and appreciates me today loves and appreciates me based on those experiences. There is, of course, the basic stuff out of which I am made, but even my physical body has changed its shape and texture to accommodate all of the internal growth I have experienced before, during, and after childbirth. Twice.

So, I have to wonder when a man (or, really, anyone I know) says something about putting any sort of barrier between himself and the experience of children (be it some hypothetical dating partner's or my own) whether that may be a way to cling to who they are and to resist change and reshaping. I also do have to wonder whether someone can truly appreciate who I am without honoring my mamahood.

It reminds me of the time I was in the middle of cooking a snack for my cricket & I asked him to take out the compost. He quipped that he was my surrogate husband, and I retorted that if he was my surrogate husband, he would be sitting on the couch smoking a bowl. And, anyway, if he was my surrogate husband, what the fuck was *I* who was in the middle of making him the 3rd or 4th meal in as many days?

Now, we all know how much I love me some cricket, but it's true. His experience of me is an experience of a woman who has children and who brings my mamaness into every interaction. He can take that for granted because I enjoy his adult presence in my life, even when he's acting like a little bug. But while he can't ask me to separate my mamaness from my womanness, he CAN choose to divide himself from my life as a mama and hog all of my mamaness to himself...and then make remarks like the above when asked to consciously take on household responsibilities.

Fundamentally, the statement "I would never date a woman with children" like most absolutist statements, says more about the person saying it than anyone toward whom that statement is directed. What I'd like to hear from my male friends...or perhaps what I *am* hearing underneath that statement is "I see from my relationship with you that children require a great deal of [whatever it is that person feels they lack, be it stamina, patience, love, self-acceptance, sanity, nurturing, etc] and I admire that you have that. I'm so afraid that I can't develop those skills/attributes/whatever that I feel like it's easier to avoid the situation entirely, rather than face my fears and attempt to undertake the thing(s) that I fear most."

Which, ultimately, is what relationships require us to do, anyway. Whether they are romantic or not. Whether children are present or not.

Everything that keeps me together is falling apart

January 18, 2006

I think the most difficult thing about the living situation here, for me, is finding out all of the ways in which I fall short of what I want to be. It's easy to convince myself I'm purt-near perfect when I'm here all by myself with my children. However, being thrust into situations where I have to be present with a wide variety of other people, both children and adults, and I actually have to try not to show my ass so much is really. fucking. hard.

I'm discovering I have little neuroses I didn't realize I had. I have a tendency to run and hide, for one thing. I have a tendency to keep things to myself. In a conversation I had this evening I was told I have a tendency to be passive, and to not protect myself. These things are all true. I am the queen of cave, and my power lies in the fact that, in spite of what readers of this blog might see, I keep my cards squeezed tight against my chest. In fact, upon reflection, it might even be true that the closer I am to someone, the less open I become. It's too painful, so I clam up.

However, these are all tendencies that can only be overcome by exposing them to the light of experience. Forcing them, even. Forcing my hand. I've been working on this with myself...little by little. It's actually a small miracle I was able to have a conversation with a friend that involved enough depth for the feedback about my passivity to be given. I told my friend that this would probably result in me running away from him out of fear of overexposure. He claims he won't hurt me. We'll see about that, says the ever-watchful eye. Hey, miracles - even small ones - don't happen overfuckingnight.

I find it interesting that changes in rhythm and patterns can cause so much upset in people. In a selfish mood, I consider that it's all about me - that I am the only one with the neuroses. When I open my eyes and see clearly, I realize that we are all broken, and true community and true friendship and true love seeks to recognize the brokenness in all of us and attempts to work with that rather than taking it personally and recoiling. Today was the first day of the new rhythm. I feel like it worked well, and I'm going to dance to it. That means I need to get some sleep so I can start fresh again tomorrow and see if we can get everyone up on their feet this time.

Yearbooks

January 17, 2006

It didn't take much encouragement for me to take the yearbooks down from their high shelf and show them to Cricket yesterday. It had been awhile since I perused them last, and I was pleasantly resurprised by them.

The thing is...we need an adult version of the yearbook. Maybe we should start a "yearblog" meme, where everyone goes to everyone else's blog and writes one of those super cheesy but super sweet yearbook type comments like: It's been a great year, I really love your style, you are a true original and very sweet!" Because, and maybe I'm just a huge hairy cheeseball, but reading over those little comments in my yearbook made me feel...well, good somehow. Even though I was hardly friends with any of those people, it was sweet of them to find something nice to say about me.

So, yeah...it's been fun reading through them. Also, I had the BEST HAIR EVER in my junior year picture. It's probably the cutest picture of me ever taken. I think I'm in love with myself! hahahahahhahahaha.

New Photos on Flickr

January 15, 2006

I just dumped this week's photos onto my flickr page, including some really cute shots by coley, like this series of pictures where Spidey is flying through the streets of Austin.

Jan 15, 2006 News & Blog roundup

January 15, 2006

"Because these particles have come from inside a comet we know that essentially the particles haven't been heated since they became part of the comet, because the comet is made of ice," he told the BBC News website.

"That means that they contain information about the conditions that were present when they were incorporated into the comet.

"That time was four-and-a-half thousand million years ago, back when the Solar System formed, so what we hope to know from these particles is essentially what the Solar System looked like at that time, and essentially what we're all made of."

[source]

***

Ummmmm, I don't think he was exactly their idea of a "patriot" either:

While some say the flyover will provide a patriotic flair to the march during a time of war, others say it will represent support for the war — something King would not approve of.

The Rev. Herman Price, chairman of the city's MLK Commission, said the flyover was meant to honor King, and he is dismayed by the divisiveness it has caused.

"It all depends on how you look at it," Price said Thursday. "They say the planes represent war and bombs and death, but at the same time those planes can also represent our freedom and peace."

But City Councilwoman Patti Radle, who objected to the flyover in a letter to the editor in Wednesday's Express-News, doesn't see it that way.

"War is a different system working for peace. Martin Luther King was not part of that system," she said.

City Councilwoman Sheila McNeil, whose district includes the march route, contented the flyover is exactly what King would have wanted.

"I think that the military plays too significant of a role in our community for us to ignore them and not include them in this march," she said. "They are the reason why we have peace, and this is MLK's peace march."

Let's see what the man himself had to say about war:

Well, theres: "The chain reaction of evil--wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation." ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

And then there's "Perhaps a new spirit is rising among us. If it is, let us trace its movements and pray that our own inner being may be sensitive to its guidance, for we are deeply in need of a new way beyond the darkness that seems so close around us.

Over the past two years, as I have moved to break the betrayal of my own silences and to speak from the burnings of my own heart, as I have called for radical departures from the destruction of Vietnam, many persons have questioned me about the wisdom of my path. At the heart of their concerns this query has often loomed large and loud: Why are you speaking about the war, Dr. King? Why are you joining the voices of dissent? Peace and civil rights don't mix, they say. Aren't you hurting the cause of your people, they ask? And when I hear them, though I often understand the sources of their concern, I am nevertheless greatly saddened, for such questions mean that the inquirers have not really known me, my commitment or my calling. Indeed, their questions suggest that they do not know the world in which they live." [source]

And then there's: "He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it." -Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr

Aw, fuck it. Just see if you can find anything on this fucking PAGE of quotes that indicate that the good Doctor would be the SLIGHTEST bit OK with having a military presence at a celebration that has anything to do with him.

Fucking people. GodDAMN.

***
In the "What the fucking Goddamn HELL?" department:

Hundreds of thousands of poor Americans have had their tax refunds frozen and their returns labeled fraudulent, according to the IRS's taxpayer advocate, Nina Olson. Testifying before Congress this week, Olson said the average income of these taxpayers is $13,000. Olson and her staff sampled the suspected returns and found that, at most, one in five was questionable.

The poor citizens are seeking refunds under the Earned Income Tax Credit, a Reagan program to help the working poor. The total possible tax fraud amount involved in these returns is $9 billion — compared to the $100 billion problem with fraud by small businessmen who deal in cash. That's the kind of shrewd administration we've come to expect from the Bushies. Olson points out it is not only unfair, but also a waste of time. Meanwhile, mind-boggling sums in taxes are being evaded by those at the other end of the income scale.

***
I could say so many things about this quote:

A longer life doesn't necessarily mean a healthier life, however. While men succumb to fatal illnesses like heart disease, stroke, and cancer, women live on with non-fatal conditions such as arthritis, osteoporosis, and diabetes. "While men die from their diseases, women live with them," Perls comments.

But I'll refrain. The article is interesting, though. Sort of referred via Philobilon.

***

The thing is, we'd have to ensure the money wouldn't go to feed the fucking war machine:

Kevin Phillips and Jeff Gates have also urged that wealth taxation must now be put on the American agenda. Robert Kuttner adds that a wealth tax is “by definition, the most progressive way to raise revenue, since it hits only the very pinnacle of the income distribution.” Even Donald Trump a few years ago proposed a one time net-worth tax of 14.25% on Americans with more than $10 million in assets.

Economist Edward Wolff points out that European practice offers a range of practical options—with most imposing a tax between 1 and 2.5 percent and all exempting a reasonable amount of wealth for those not among the top groups. One recent estimate is that if the upper range of such taxes were implemented in the United States, they might yield up to $450 billion a year.

***

And that's all I have time for this morning.

Seven Things Meme, Again!

January 14, 2006

zeebah tagged me I think I've done this before, but I can't remember what I said:

Seven Things To Do Before I Die:
1. Hike the Continental Divide
2. Write a novel
3. Find a partner who truly truly gets me, and appreciates me, too. And who I can appreciate.
4. Raise two healthy boys
5. Live by myself again
6. Paint a huge painting on canvas
7. Quit my job and be a writer full-time

Seven Things I Can't Do:
1. Keep my big mouth shut. About anything.
2. Whistle
3. Cry openly in front of other people
4. Sustain anger for someone
5. Dance (but I do anyway, when I'm alone)
6. Sing (but I do anyway, when I'm alone)
7. Live without music

Seven Things That Attract Me To Blogging:
1. I believe it's called "hypergrafia"
2. I'm a total exhibitionist...as well as an unrepentent voyeur
3. I'm sure I have said this before, but if I didn't have a blog, I would spend all of my time wandering around town having uncomfortably revealing conversations with random strangers.
4. Probably a little because I am terribly shy - even among my closest friends.
5. I feel that It's important to have a record of events and cycles in my life
6. I crave attention
7. Because Jhames made such a pretty design, I love to look at my words on the page.

Seven Things I Say Most Often:
1. Any of a wide variety of swear words, and combinations with regular words. I'm kind of a cusslinguist.
2. Totally
3. Sorry
4. The names of the children in my charge, including but not limited to my own children
5. Various terms of endearment directed at my children and my dogs
6. STORYTIME!!!!
7. [...]

Seven Books That I Love, in no particular order, with the caution that these are not necessarily my favorite books of all time:
1. The Scripture of the Golden Eternity by Jack Kerouac
2. After the Ecstasy, the Laundry by Jack Kornfeld
3. Collected Patchen Poems by Kenneth Patchen
4. The Cat Inside by William S. Burroughs
5. Narcissism & Death by Mariarosa Sclauzero
6. The Tao is Silent by Raymond Smullyan
7. The Teenage Liberation Handbook by Grace Llewellyn

Seven Movies I Watch Again and Again:
1. Birdy (which I think I might never watch again, actually)
2. Harold and Maude
3. Saved
4. Wings of Desire
5. Microcosmos
6. Baraka
7. After Hours

Seven People I am tagging to do this meme:
1. Janine
2. Redneck Mother
3. Doviende
4. Tish
5. Twisty
6. George
7. You! (in comments or on your blog.)

Saturday News Blogging

January 14, 2006

Just a few things I'm reading about this Saturday morning, before hopping off to work...

Two legal arguments have been offered for the President's right to violate the law, both of which have been seriously questioned by members of Congress of both parties and by the nonpartisan Congressional Research Service in a recent analysis. The first--highly dangerous in its sweep and implications--is that the President has the constitutional right as Commander in Chief to break any US law on the grounds of national security. As the CRS analysis points out, the Supreme Court has never upheld the President's right to do this in the area of wiretapping, nor has it ever granted the President a "monopoly over war-powers" or recognized him as "Commander in Chief of the country" as opposed to Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy. If the President is permitted to break the law on wiretapping on his own say-so, then a President can break any other law on his own say-so--a formula for dictatorship. This is not a theoretical danger: President Bush has recently claimed the right as Commander in Chief to violate the McCain amendment banning torture and degrading treatment of detainees. Nor is the requirement that national security be at stake any safeguard. We saw in Watergate how President Nixon falsely and cynically used that argument to cover up ordinary crimes and political misdeeds.

[...]

As awful as Watergate was, after the vote on impeachment and the resignation of President Nixon, the nation felt a huge sense of relief. Impeachment is a tortuous process, but now that President Bush has thrown down the gauntlet and virtually dared Congress to stop him from violating the law, nothing less is necessary to protect our constitutional system and preserve our democracy.

[source] [via]

“Well, I'm not going to try to beat around the bush. (Bad pun I’m thinking.) You were pulled over because you went to Cuba. Why did you go to Cuba?"

I said that I was there to do research. He asked my profession. I answered that I was a language arts teacher, and I was interested in Cuba because it had an impressive history of eradicating illiteracy and was now devoting its scarce resources so that every school in the country had qualified teachers of the arts. He asked, "How were the schools? I hear they're really hands-on."

I thought for a minute about what I wanted to say and then, I admit, about what I thought he might want to hear. Then I told him that I found the whole education system very impressive.

I explained that Cuba has no racial or economic achievement gap and that they score among the top countries in the world in math and reading. I offered that this might be because they provide every Cuban child free preschool education, and of course, unlike any other third world nation I could think of (and some first world nations I wouldn’t even mention) they’ve had nearly 100% literacy in their nation since 1961.

I even let it slip out that they assiduously maintain low class sizes—20 in the elementary, 15 in the secondary grades—and are training thousands of new art and music teachers to meet their goals. They also give universal access and free tuition to all citizens for university level education. “I think they’ve actually achieved “No Child Left Behind,” I added. He seemed a little surprised by the last bit. "How many days were you there?" he asked.

Then he probed in his good-cop way, "How did you like Cuba?

Better weather than in Minnesota!” he winked. “But isn’t it extremely poor?" I said yes, from what I'd observed, the people were suffering greatly from the 42-year old US embargo, especially during the last 15 years since the Soviet block dissolved. I agreed that they had hardly any consumer goods and some foods were rationed, but I was impressed that they ate well nonetheless and were very healthy. “In Cuba they have a lower infant mortality rate and a longer life span than in the US.” I elaborated. “You know, they have free health care and great medical schools,” I added, but he didn’t pick up on the last things I’d said. He might have been trying to imagine a place with few consumer goods.

"That's too bad," he said. "That will get better some day soon." I didn't reply and there was a long pause. I said, "Well, I suppose all things change eventually." I was trying not to shudder as I pictured a Cuban version of Disney World.

[source]

In truth, Iran is entitled to enrich uranium under the terms of the NPT and has agreed to do so in a manner that is consistent with the strict rules of the IAEA. Iran will not, however, give up its "inalienable right" to convert uranium for peaceful purposes, such as making fuel for use in nuclear power plants.

No other nation except Iran has been asked to forgo its rights under the NPT. The Bush administration expects the UN to annul parts of the treaty simply to accommodate its unfounded suspicions. But, why should Iran agree to be treated like an underling just to satisfy Bush? After all, Iran initially signed the NPT as a way of reducing nuclear weapons while Israel, the U.S., and other nations were busy building a new generation of nukes.

Besides, the conversion process takes place in front of IAEA inspectors and cameras that are set up to film the entire procedure. The IAEA is required to report any violations to the UN Security Council for punitive action. The watchdog agency was very successful in analyzing the true state of Iraq's "alleged" nuclear program. There's no need to suspect that they won't succeed here as well. (Israel, Pakistan and India all avoided this regimen and developed nuclear weapons secretly)

[source]

If there is a single principle to Alito's jurisprudence, it is this: He sides with those who exercise power and authority, and against those who don't.

It does not matter if the power is held by giant corporations or police or prosecutors or immigration authorities. Unless, that is, the government is regulating such matters as health and safety. Then Alito is likely to rule that its power just can't extend that far.

"When there is a conflict between institutions and individual rights, Judge Alito's dissenting opinions argue against individual rights 84 percent of the time," University of Chicago professor Cass R. Sunstein wrote in an analysis that he conducted for Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, D-Mass. In almost all of these cases, Alito dissented from a court with a majority of Republican appointees. The Knight-Ridder news organization, which reviewed 311 published Alito opinions, reached a similar conclusion. It is darned near impossible to find a case in which Alito agreed with someone who claimed mistreatment by police, or discrimination on the job, or the improper denial of pension or pay.

[source]

Strip Search Sammy

[via]

The scope of the scandal swirling around DeLay was perhaps best described by former Republican House Majority Leader Dick Armey, now a lobbyist: "Tom DeLay sent Buckham downtown to set up shop and start a branch office on K Street," Armey told the New York Times, referring to the row of lobby firms famously headquartered there. "The whole idea was: 'What's in it for us?' "

Sounds accurate enough. But Armey's candid comment begs the question of why he and others in the Republican establishment didn't blow the whistle on this operation before the indictments came down. After all, bilking the Pentagon for millions, bribing officials and breaking campaign-finance laws is hardly small potatoes.

What irony that those once young Republicans, who hectored their elders about being more vigilant in defending the nation's taxpayers and security forces, should now end up accused with deeply betraying both.

[source]

But while encouraging city residents to return home and declaring for the media audience that "we will do whatever it takes" to save the city, the President earlier this month formally refused the one thing New Orleans simply cannot live without: A restored network of barrier islands and coastal wetlands.

Tens of billions of dollars have been authorized to treat the symptoms—broken levees, insufficient emergency resources, destroyed roads and bridges—but next to nothing for the disease itself, that of disappeared land, which ushered the ocean into the city to begin with. No amount of levee building or stockpiling of bottled water will ever save New Orleans until the state's barrier shoreline is restored.

Just since World War II an area of land the size of Rhode Island has turned to water between New Orleans and the Gulf of Mexico, most of it former marshland. And every 2.7 miles of marshland reduces a hurricane surge tide by a foot, dispersing the storm's power. Simply put, had Katrina struck in 1945 instead of 2005, the surge that reached New Orleans would have been as much as 5-10 feet less than it was.

[source] (I can't find the permalink, so if that url changes, the name of the article is "Goodbye New Orleans: It's time we stopped pretending" by Mike Tidwell)

& from that article, this link:

It is clear that Hurricane Katrina was no ‘natural’ disaster. Though nature played a part, human action played a key role in exacerbating this disaster. This website is the first step in a bipartisan effort to raise awareness about the connection between hurricanes and global warming.

As we rebuild New Orleans and the entire Gulf Coast, we must simultaneously work to prevent the tragedy of Katrina from happening all across our shores; we must work to stop global warming. We invite you to learn how global warming is affecting our country and to get involved in the fight!

[source]

The Cliopatria Awards for History Blogging [via]

To this report, I say "Duh!":

Don't even ask about single-parent families, the news is so grim. Divorced women with children or divorced men with child support are three times as likely to file for bankruptcy as married counterparts. "All income is budgeted, there is no one at home who can work if the primary earner loses a job or gets sick, and no one is around to take over if a child gets sick or an elderly parent needs help," says Warren.

Prefer the traditional '70s pattern, dad at work and mom at home? "The modern single-earner family trying to keep up an average lifestyle faces a 72-percent drop in discretionary income compared with its one-income counterpart of a generation ago." Mom works to keep the family afloat.

Globalization has reduced the cost of most household spending — clothing, food, appliances. Americans spend less on discretionary items than in 1970. It's the basic costs that are killing us, particularly housing and medical.

and that, my friends, is that.

Bliss Spiller

January 13, 2006

A day in the pseudo-country was exactly what this city girl needed. A day among chickens, cats, and donkeys...including a 10-day old baby donkey, was the remedy for what ailed me. Kind of. I mean, I'm still ailing, but a lot of my questions feel very answered as to the source(s) of the ailment. And with those answers, I can move forward.

Today, though, was great. It was perfectly not too hot or cold (again!) and the animals were so fun and sweet and cute, and the children were great. This mama who I visited is absolutely the pinnacle of coolness. When I finally give up on men entirely, I want to settle down with a woman like this mama and have a farm and some chickens and goats and donkeys and, of course, the children.

Pansy laughed when I told her I walked into the house and this woman's son (who is weird in a very Monk-esque sort of way) had all of the pieces of his risk game spread all over the floor. My children have been using the risk pieces as their stand in for (forbidden) army men (and I'm such an idiot that I JUST NOW for the first time realized that they were using risk pieces as surrogate army men!) for a few years now. It was...it was like I stepped into some weird other universe and this was my home in the other universe. Significantly neater and less chaotic, but still...home.

So T did some chores while I took pictures of donkeys and her gigantic dog and some trees. Her daughter, who is eleven, played with Cole so sweetly, and listened to all of the ColeSpeak so patiently. And Monk and R just played and played and played. They are so cutely in tune with each other that it makes me long for the days of my youth, and the sweet friendships I would occasionally find myself ensconced in. Like the summer C.D. and I spent all day every day building an entire "Little People"/Weeble village on her screened in back porch.

T made me dinner, and we laughed a lot. She's so cool. I just love her. Plus she tells a mean story, AND she likes soup, but hates to cook. So I told her the next time we hang out, I will have to bring her soup.

The children were so interested in their game (all of them were playing together before and after dinner, from 5-year old Cole to 11-year old S.) that they didn't even want to watch the movie that was offered to them. Instead, they invented a game that involved battling an enemy with wooden swords. I was amazed at how considerate the children were of one another. R kept calling Cole "Captain" in order to make him feel not-so-much like he was just following orders (which he sort of was, but calling him captain really buffered that for him, I think.) At one point, the decision-making process sounded like this:

Kid One (after the play fighting got a little too contactish): Let's Stop fighting with each other and work together against a common enemy!

Kid Two: OK! Let's attack the enemy in the kitchen!

Kid One: No! Let's pretend the enemy is attacking US, and we are GREATLY OUTNUMBERED!

Kid Two (brandishing his sword): Alright! That sounds Great!

Kid One: Wait, let's make sure that's OK with Kids Three and Four.

Kids Three and Four (in unison): Sounds great!

And so on. It was all very consensus-based fun. And, I mean, the kids here almost always resolve their difficulties really well, too...but coley is usually kind of a monkeywrench. And he just wasn't today. Even when he tried to be.

So, it was nice. I feel refreshed and relaxed. And even though I was having trouble breathing by the end of the night (I am so totally allergic to animals it's not even funny) I felt good driving home and continued feeling good through story time and my lovely walk.

I actually felt good enough in the car to really get clarity on what the fuck has been up with me this week. It's so fucking obvious, too. I spent about 2 weeks off from work, totally immersed in me-time - half of which (the latter half, no less) was also kidless time. And then I had a short week, and another weekend of just me. me. me. and no restraints on how to spend my time. This week - I had to fly pell-mell back into work and all of the time and energy constraints that come with that. In spite of how much I truly love my job, I miss the time. I miss my friends. I miss...ME. Throw some PMS into the mix, and you have some totally appropriate mourning. I'm still a little weepy, even now. I have the urge to totally withdraw and, at the same time, totally have a slumber party with all of my sweet friends who I never get to see while I am working. And even the one I get to see while I am working, because it's possibly even more frustrating to see a friend at work where I can't be fully present, you know?

So the answer is simply this - I need to re-establish my rhythm around here. I need to make sure I'm doing all that I need to do to take care of the children and my immediate community, as well as my job, so I can be free from distraction during my off time. I also need to allow myself the time to re-mourn the fact that, in spite of my free and easy vacation, I am a woman with two homeschooled children and a full-time job, and I just don't have the time to stay up all night talking and emoting and scribbling mad love notes to the universe. I have to pick and choose, and hope the universe can wait for me to catch up when I am able.

That said, I think it's time for me to get some sleep.

Friday Random Ten - Version "LAST CHANCE TO DELURK!"

January 13, 2006

1. Bikini Kill - Suck My Left One (What an awesome way to start my morning!)
2. Neutral Milk Hotel - April 8th
3. Operation Ivy - Caution
4. Bauhaus - In the Night
5. Nicola Conte - Exotique Bossa Nova
6. Nappy Roots - Aww Naw
7. Phil Rosenthal - The Yellow Rose of Texas
8. Public Enemy - Can't Trust It
9. Cocteau Twins & The Wolfgang Press - I am the Crime
10. Leonard Cohen - Waiting for the Miracle to Come

Bonus Tracks:

• Dirty Three - Flutter
  
• Spearhead - Positive
  
• Fela Ransome Kuti - Power Show
  
• System of a Down - War
  
• The White Stripes - White Moon
  
• Bob Marley - Fussing and Fighting
  

If you go straight long enough, you end up where you were.

January 13, 2006

I embarked on my walk tonight with my heart full of this weird, unidentified remorse and my walkman loaded with the mix cd I once made for a boy who will never hear it, because if he did, all of my heart's secrets would have been revealed and we would be together still. I've been listening to this CD a lot, because it's sweet and cute and funny. Today, I listened to it from the other side, and instead of shouting the music like a drunken anthem at the ripening moon, I rejoiced in the flood of tears and did not attempt to fight them back.

I thought about how funny it is that when I am brimming with bliss, I feel expansive and sociable, and yet when I am in need of comfort, I isolate myself.

And I thought about birds and windows, as my dog romped in circles around me like Perda flew in a circle around Al before crashing through. I thought about how a soul that is open to all of the beauty in the world is also inevitably vulnerable to all of the world's sorrows. And it felt good to cry openly in the dark and be that open soul.

I thought about all of the conversations I've had over the past few months. At the park, at the hair salon, in my home and elsewhere. All of the wisdom converged. And I cried some more as I thought about birds and windows, rocks and water, soldiers, trees, bombs, haircuts and politicians.

I thought about my dog's stamina. And how I wish my joy had that same stamina. And yet, how good it felt to release the sadness.

I thought about how I am the mama, nurturing the children. I thought about how resistant I am to allowing myself to be nurtured. I thought, too, about how I'm not so much hard to get as easy to lose...and easy to betray.

And I thought about how "a horse's hoof is more delicate than it seems" and I am achingly delicate and fantastically strong.

And still I kept walking and thinking and crying and grinning through the tears and bursting forth under the spotlight moon. And by the time I was crossing the street towards home I was belting out that last song on the mix and somehow, everything was alright again. Forever and forever and forever.

And the dog flopped down on the hardwood floor, and I wrote this. And now my day is over.

Oh, and then there's THAT.

January 12, 2006

Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: Happy Birthday, Aaron.

Which actually might explain a lot more than the post prior.

Morose

January 12, 2006

I'm sitting here, trying to figure out why I suddenly feel so morose, other than my monthly cycle. & because generally these feelings have a cycle, I decided to look back over my posts from January in previous years.

I found - Birdy:

I'm sitting here at Mojo's and suddenly there's a bird flying around. Which sounds really neat except there are all sorts of windows everywhere, and the poor bird is confused and flying around bashing his head into windows.

There's a metaphor for my life that came to me when I first saw the movie Birdy. I just remember I came home from work one night and Birdy was showing on cable and I watched it...and there's that scene where the bird flies into the window - flies through the window...crashes through the window and dies, and I just burst into tears and couldn't figure out why it affected me so intensely. And then I read back through some of my poetry of that era and noticed there was a theme running through much of it...a theme of being trapped on one side of a window without being able to reach people on the other side.

The people with me in the coffee shop all rushed to the aid of this bird. Some people opened windows. One person tried to catch the bird by throwing his jacket over it. Some tried to shoo the bird in the direction of the open window. All of us cringed as the bird flew face first into the one window that could not be opened.

In the end, the bird flew out the door, and we all cheered.

*sigh*

rainy_day_7317

January 12, 2006

I love flickr so much. I think there is a new communication revolution involving pictures that is so very profound. I can really relate to this picture. It has my whole lifelong theme of divisive windows, with muted bright colors on one side and the rain casting that wonderful grey pall over everything.

I love it!

yo-yo 002

January 12, 2006

Isn't she pur-dy?

Happiness are friends who know what you REALLY want for your birthday.

Thanks, Cricket. I love you, bud.

mwah.

Let the yo-yo lessons commence. And perfect timing, too. It's impossible to be pissed off at the universe when yr throw