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« new photos up on flickr | Main | Monday Morning Bloghopping. »
Nerds of a Feather.
January 29, 2006
You know...I am the biggest fucking hypocrite on the face of the planet. After that nice post last night about always looking on the bright side of things, I woke up today surly as all shit and I swear I did not say a single kind word to my kiddos all morning. Then I dragged them out to the Lunar New Year celebration and while I enjoyed the festivities, I continued on my bitch rampage until well past the time when we arrived home.
It was the word fuck that saved me. I just started talking to Monk in Dude speak, and cussing a lot in a silly way, and we laughed and laughed while I uploaded pictures onto my flickr account. Then both boys came to snuggle in the bed. I apologized for being a major butt, and everyone was happy again.
But, damn...I hate it when I can't apply my Rules For Getting Along With Others to my own fucking kids, you know? I feel like such an ass, even when we do make up.
And I realized, too, that I haven't been concentrating on them enough. I've been distracted. The distraction has been nice, but it's really time to get down to some decent parenting here - especially considering the situation we are in and all of its inherent stresses. Monk's such a sweet kiddo, but he's getting older, and if I don't start really focusing on the foundation of our relationship, I'm going to end up with a Teenager Who Doesn't Talk To Me. And that would suck. Really hard.
And, also, I realize that in my endless pursuit for family I tend to forget that I have plenty of family right here with my guys. It's silly to seek after something that I have no control over when I could be building that connection and strengthening those ties right here with the people who need me the most and mean the most to me. Not that I've neglected them in my pursuits, but in spite of the fact that I want to build myself up to be Ms. Merry Sunshine, I think there's a part of me that gets really depressed about and fed up with being a single parent. And while I'm not actually actively pursuing a parenting partner right now, I think I do exert a lot of energy attempting to find a place for myself where I am wanted - without fully considering where I am truly needed. If that makes any sense.
So, when Coley went to bed, I turned to Monk and I said "Dude...let's watch that documentary about whales!"
He was giddy, and I laughed at him. I said "We are SUCH nerds to get all excited about watching a documentary! The second this weekend! It's like a nerd DATE, dude!"
And Monk leaned in conspiratorily and said "Next time, to be extra nerdy, we should watch a NOVA video...about BEES!"
"Noway, dude! That's, like, extra SUPER nerdy." Says I.
Monk responds "Dude...I've SEEN it!"
And we laugh.
I guess we're going to be OK after all.
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