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« January 2006 | Main | March 2006 »

The New Guy.

February 28, 2006

The new guy at work brought me salsa today. Tomorrow, I am bringing him soup. Yay, new guy! Yay, food exchanges!

Also, I don't know if I mentioned this already, but I'm interviewing two potential housemates this week. First, it's coffee with the apparently radical single dad who has participated in a vegetarian cooking cooperative, and has worked on an organic farm. Then, it's gingerbread pancakes with the seemingly adorable self-described "dorky" apparently stereotypical Austin slacker woman.

Decisions, decisions! This ought to be interesting. Provided they both like me, of course...it seems like I could go either way and still come out ahead.

We'll see. It seems like spring will be a great transition for me. Winter was fun, too...but I'm ready for some new stuff to be happening in my life.

"Living Well"

February 28, 2006

In addition to subverting the integrity of the human community, capitalism has tainted teh classical notion of "living well" by fostering an irrational dread of material scarcity. By establishing quantitative criteria for the "good life," it has dissolved the ethical implications of "limit." This ethical lacuna raises a specifically technical problematic for our time. In equating "living well" with living affluently, capitalism has made it extremely difficult to demonstrate that freedom is more closely identified with personal autonomy than with affluence, with empowerment over life than with empowerment over things, with the emotional security that derives frmo a nourishing community life than with a material security that derives from the myth of a nature dominated by an all-mastering technology.

(From The Ecology Of Freedom by Murray Bookchin)

The All Girl Army Wants YOU

February 28, 2006

enlist in the all girl army!

The All Girl Army wants YOU!

All Girl Army/ The Young Feminists Project is looking for a few good women to create, nurture and enjoy a women's community targeted to young women internationally, who identify as feminist, between the ages of 10 and 23.

Things I (re)discovered last weekend.

February 28, 2006

(aside from the fact that I need to do some more considerable work on post-abuse issues)

• My friend Susan
• Dancing with the kiddos
• Boys sure are dumb (with qualifiers, of course.)
• I'm a lot cooler than I have allowed myself to view myself as
• I *AM* a writer (as evidenced by the fact that I desperately want to take off work and sit and write and write and write and write for the next couple of weeks).
• My life is pretty fucking cool.

And then, Monday morning, my boss told me that
a) there is movement afoot to cancel the previous edict that I need to work in the office 8 hours a week - and, in fact, that her boss is somewhat furious about the punitive nature of that edict
and
b) there is some movement (although less hopeful movement, and less immediate) towards at least acknowledging and perhaps even compensating me for the extra 8 hours that were added to my work expectations without an increase in salary. If I got a pay raise for those 8 hours, this will be a very kick-ass year, indeed. Or, even, if they allowed me to go back down to 32 hours a week. That would kick an equal amount of ass.

So, there you have it!

What I learn about parenting from my non-parent friends.

February 27, 2006

This weekend was a particularly rough one in terms of the children. I had a few really rough patches with both kids that required all of my powers of patience and empathy, and on more than one occasion, I think I fell really short. But, what can you do? As a parent, you have to just dust yrself off, make amends as best you can, and start all over again.

I also had visits with two of my favorite non-parent friends this weekend, and both visits involved some discussion about what parenting entails. Both friends expressed fears and doubts about engaging with children, and it inspired me to really think about what I experience as a parent and what kinds of ways parenting has really shaped who I am (not to mention how who I am has shaped the parent I am.)

One thing that I realize these days more than ever - and it's probably my greatest challenge as a parent - is that parenting requires presence. In order for me to have healthy interactions with my children, I need to be fully present when I am with them. This requires two things of me, particularly. It requires that I practice giving my full attention to the children when I am in their presence...and it also requires that I set healthy boundaries for myself which enable me to disengage when necessary. Even if these moments of disengagement are temporary. I need to sometimes be able to regroup - some days more frequently than others - to avoid acting out in unhealthy/unconstructive ways with them. I think I do a pretty good job of this, but lately - like with most relationships in my life lately - I have been disengaged more often than necessary.

Another thing that my non-parent friends really expressed to me this weekend is sort of a fear of needing to be perfect around the children. One friend said he had a fear that he would act inappropriately - like responding in a harsh way - in a moment of stress. I wonder how perfect these people think I am! Of course we adults occasionally fuck up with the children! That's what growing and learning is all about! That's how being a parent shapes me and forces me to become a better person. My children challenge me to question my responses to them. To think through my feelings in any given moment. To choose positive and healthy methods of communication. To not avoid conflict, and to embrace every moment.

My non-parent friends help me to realize all the potential growth I can experience in being a parent. Their fears are valid, but I encourage them to be realistic about themselves. I think in many ways, learning how to relate well to children is a process of healing that can also best teach us how to relate well to everyone. I can respect their misgivings and doubts, and still attempt to gently push them beyond.

Healing.

February 27, 2006

I should say that I spent most of Saturday morning in bed crying my eyes out quietly. I say this as my roommates move out. It's releasing a flood of emotion. Not due to anything having really anything to do with them, but having to do with all that I've been holding in as a result of having people sharing this house with me. In a way, it's good - because I do love the Allison family enough to feel OK with having been somewhat of a scared bunny rabbit while they were here. I feel like we can easily enough mend whatever that resulted in. I already am feeling more open to all of them now that they are going. The trick is to maintain that openness and to not fall back again when someone else moves in.

So, anyway, crying my eyes out. What I was doing was remembering a lot of pain. I was fully realizing how much denial I was in during the 3 years I lived here with a silently abusive partner. I was remembering what it caused in my spirit. I remember resigning myself to that. I remember feeling like it didn't really effect me - like I was bullet-proof - as long as I acknowledged that it was reality. Like "as long as I'm aware that this is a fucked up situation, I won't get fucked up by it." Which is sort of like standing on a railroad track, saying "As long as I'm aware that train is coming down the track at me, I won't get fucking smeared by it!" It sounds silly now, but I did it.

I can't explain to anyone what it was like to live in this house for those three years. What I can say is that I understand and accept now what it did to my heart. Around the middle of that time, I decided that love didn't exist. that I could just stay in that situation because all love is painful, so why should I leave behind the familiar pain of the love I had learned to cope with for the minute possibility that I might find love that was slightly less painful?

And, the truth of the matter is that all love IS painful. But not always. It requires a lot, but it gives back whatever you put in. Perhaps not in the same currency, but at least the same value. I'm just now finding my way back to a place where I can extend my love without fear, and it's scary as shit. I'm not just talking about romantic love, I am talking about any kind of relationship that requires/inspires any amount of depth or intimacy. I don't have a roadmap to guide me on my particular journey. I just have to make it up as I go along, and be honest, and insist on integrity and freedom.

I'm not perfect, but I'm trying. I'm putting myself forward. That's the only way out of this place.

Sound system gonna bring me back up...

February 27, 2006

So, I guess I've broken though. There's nothing like anarchism love is free. There's nothing like having/taking time to sit with people and express honestly how you feel about you, them, the universe, and everything - and feel totally heard and totally not reacted to and totally responded to - even if it's painful to some degree. There's nothing like feeling like real love is more than physical bodies colliding. Like there is no such thing as unrequited provided there is honesty and emotion. There is nothing like that. Nothing. I can't feel bad about anything because I have everything I need. And you don't need to feel bad, either...because I can give you everything you want without feeling...unrequited.

and you, too. And you. Thank you.

The trick is to take this practice, and expand it to everyone. Take it beyond the two or three people I feel safe with, and allow myself to really fully love everyone. It is my form of activism. It's also the only way I know how to really live.

Operation Ivy - Sound System

(Chorus)
Sound System gonna bring me back up
One thing that I can depend on.
Try to describe it as a limit of my ability;
It's there for a second
Then it's given up what it used to be.
Contained in music somehow more than just sound,
This inspiration coming and twisting things around
Because you always know that it's gonna have to go.
You always know that you'll be back in the cold.
Point of departure sublimated in a song
It's always coming to give me that hope
for just a second then it's gone but!
(Chorus)
Static pulse inside of music bringing us escape.
It's always temporary, changing nothing in it's wake...
Just a second where we're leaving all this shit behind.
Just a second but it's leaving just this much in mind:
To resist despair, the second makes you see...
To resist despair, because you can't change everything...
To resist despair, in this world is what it is to be free.
(Chorus)
Wake up turn my box on,
Bust the shade, let the sun in.
Times getting tougher 'bout time to start runnin'
Box in my hand music by my side,
Skankin' to the rhythm of the music by my side.

Some Thoughts.

February 25, 2006

I recently had a heated discussion with a friend of mine about...well, I thought it was about power dynamics in relationships based on age and experience & I think my friend might have thought I was just harping about something more specific - which might have also been true and, admittedly, I didn't approach the conversation in the most open-minded, open-hearted way.

However, something occurred to me in the wake of that conversation. Actually, amazingly, it's some wisdom that L (the ex) once used to share with me about "equality." He used to constantly tell me that I wasn't relating to him as an equal, and without that equal relationship, we had no foundation on which to build.

Now, I take that with a grain of salt in the context it was spoken. I don't feel that my inability to relate to L has an equal was really my fault. However, they are very wise words indeed. My first reaction to remembering this in relation to the conversation I was having with my friend was, of course, to feel self-satisfied! See! I was right! He can't possibly build a relationship with someone who is so clearly not his equal!

However, in examining further, as is almost always the case, I realized that I needed to turn my smug self-satisfaction around. Whether or not it's true that it applies in my friend's situation, I have no business dictating to him what he should and shouldn't do. I can provide him with my opinion, and I can offer him my support...but, in fact, what I was doing was creating an unequal relationship by condescending to him and engaging in sarcasm and, well, meanness. Even if it was, somewhat, all in fun - the end result (and perhaps the subconscious purpose) was for me to create inequality in our relationship.

I think I do this (perhaps we all do this) out of fear. If you create inequality, you limit the relationship. For instance, in this particular relationship, I was acting in the role of mother...which is funny because, as my friend pointed out, I was treating him like a child while at the same time telling him to grow up! This isn't productive at all. And it's self-protective, as well as self-perpetuating. How often have I felt frustrated by my role of mother in this and other relationships? And how often has my need to create inequality put me in that position? And what am I avoiding or sublimating by creating that inequality? How often do I use this tool to avoid being fully present in my other relationships? How does it limit me? What do I gain by it? Do I need to stop doing it, or just be aware when I am doing it...and apply it only to situations where it is necessary?

Writing

February 25, 2006

I just re-found this old website of mine that contained some of my journal entries. Damn, I need to write more in my journal, and I need to allow for less structured writing. My past 3 or 4 private journals, and this blog, and just about all of my writing over the past 5 years or so are very linear. Stream-of-subconscious things like this below explain so much more of where I was with an economy of words:

10/3/98

Sketches on Sanity

Foreshadowing is spinal intent to malign. Misaligned Scoliosi degenerate into bifida. Roll on Roll up, one vertebra @ at time. Singular sensation. Disguised as obsessive, lingering on the compulsive. Garbage in comes out in oddest ways. And windows are strangely comforting here, even when opening out onto brick wall oblivion. Tenement raised - razed to rubble. Fingers are for counting. What are toes

For. in a yellow room, no one is cautious. Everyone grim in grey

They overflow out onto the streets, a seething, pulsating mass. Studious in their laconicism, adroit in misanthropism. This, the ruling class. The dilettante doorknockers of tomorrow.

Seethe and breathe again.

and who is to say it is resplendent. Funny how great wonders grow from the smallest of seeds aflame from miniscule spark. Granted, recognition is a factor. That touch could take me here brings so much to light. More of a torch than I am accustomed to carry. Carry on, carry on.

What who proclaimed Thelonious, thelonious. Was it character-induced stupor or stupor-induced ...never mind - you know the story.

I binge, binge, binge and purge spewing forth vowels, consonants, verbswordssoul. Spit soul spit HOCK soul. Spit.

Cleanse my palate - begin again.

Washerwoman hands hips displaced this movement towards no-movement cinders sunder. This is the last of the leisure class. Growing outward from spine to cerebellum spawning serendipity.

Where is my center of strength? I run my thumb along my lower lip. Remniscences are futile fuel. Bagged in eternal oblivion. Ah, sweet ethereality.

You, unformed but in thought. A small heart, beating like birds. You will be. Will be. I have that ability. I can create you. I have raw ingredients. from scratch. Create you. Bird. Bird. Lizard. Bird. Fish. Bird. Seven.

Come clean.

***

Plus, I need to start putting out a zine again. I really miss that!

Welp, it's back to therapy for me!

February 24, 2006

I've been all shaky and freaked out in waves over the past week, kinda spitting mad and insecure and recoiling from experiences. So, yeah. I think it's time to get myself to a therapist for a bit. If only to have someone to talk out loud to for an hour or so every once in awhile.

The funniest part is, in looking for a therapist on my health care plan, I was thinking about my last two therapists. I was telling Pansy that I didn't particularly like my last therapist, but I kept going back to her in hopes of learning to like her. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA. Ironic how that describes the last, like, 5 years of my marriage. I'd say I should not return to THAT therapist. The one before that was the guy who, within 30 seconds of me sitting down, had decided that all of my issues had to do with my weight, including the fact that my husband left me. Noice! Thankfully I had the sense not to return to him, although I did ponder for a minute that it might be a "growth experience" to have someone so adversarial in my life.

Our marriage counselor was nice...but she didn't really do anything, for reasons that probably were not within her control

Oh, holy fucking shit. I'm dysfunctional down to my process of choosing a therapist. The first therapist I went to was OK, but I didn't feel like she was all that great. I kept going to her because I felt sorry for her. She was so nice and grandmotherly!

Both of the therapists I visited for any length of time were helpful in some ways, but it wasn't anything monumental. I got some good tools from each of them. So, I guess I can't lose if I go into it with the right attitude. We'll see. I think I'm going to be more willing to fire this next person if I'm not satisfied, though. After all, I have sucky insurance now, and I'll be paying through the nose for this motherfucking shit!

Microcosm Publishing

February 24, 2006

Last week at Monkeywrench, I found a little book published by Microcosm Publishing. I'm delighted to discover they do many more cool things. I love their bumper stickers!

Private Journal entry, January 21, 2006

February 24, 2006

1/21/2006 9:45 AM

It's funny -
You don't realize
how broken you are
Until you start to heal
And then -
Oh fuck!
I'm so broken!

******

The book I am reading talks about the pre-literate social role of women before the taint (I can't fucking say that word anymore without thinking about the Daily Show Taintstravaganza!) of heirarchical societies. It talks about women as source, not only of life, but of unself-conscious love. Love without the need for reciprocity. Unconditional. Whereas a man's love became rooted in a complex system of procreation (with a spouse) and reward for "right" behavior (with a child &, I guess, a spouse as well.)

Could it be that societies break down when we begin to question whether or not we are lovable - and whether or not others are worthy of our love? Just how much are our interactions with others totally subverted by our membership in civil society?

It makes me frustrated AND it makes me thankful that there seems to be unbounded love in my life. I am thankful for any opportunity to love without fear and to love without condition. I feel like I need to cultivate that - I need to find a way to suffuse that love. An absolute anarchic diffusion of love and appreciation for everyone who is part of my life and the universe at large.

Rethinking Schools

February 23, 2006

Not to be confused with rethinking education, Rethinking Schools Online is a resource for schoolteachers and homeschoolers alike. They have some really interesting alternative curriculum, including Rethinking Mathematics, which weaves concepts of social justice through a math curriculum. I'll be ordering from their catalog for my upcoming "school" semester. They just have so much cool stuff, I'm going to have a difficult time narrowing down my selection!

Oh yeah.

February 23, 2006

Why is it that comics always seem to contain the answers to all of the universal issues and questions.

[hat tip to tracijeans livejournal]

When in doubt...meme!

February 23, 2006

1. How tall are you barefoot?
I haven't measured in awhile, but something like 5'4"

2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
No, indeed.

3. Do you own a gun?
nope

4. Rehab?
Nope.

5. Do you get nervous before "meeting the parents"?
I get nervous before meeting ANYONE.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
I think veggie dogs are good, with celery salt and relish and onion and jalapeno and...ketchup.

7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
Anything from the Charlie Brown Christmas CD

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Coffee with Silk Creamer. Hazelnut or Vanilla.

9. Do you do push-ups?
Hell no.

10. Have you ever done ecstacy?
No. God. I think I would be kind of scary on X

11. Are you vegan?
No, although I like many vegan dishes and own a couple vegan cookbooks.

12. Do you like painkillers?
I had a brief stint with Vicodin after Monk was born, but I figured out they were making me MORE depressed, so I stopped taking them. I'm so fucking square, it's unbelievable.

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex potential lovers?
My charm and wit? I don't fucking know. I'd like to say my music collection, but I have only met one sex partner who has appreciated that to any degree.

14. Do you own a knife?
Chicago Cutlery? A big-ass butcher knife. Great for chopping all sorts of veggies.

15. Do you have A.D.D.?
No.

16. Date Of Birth?
January 5, 1970.

17. Top 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
I wish Monk would feed the cat so she would stop whining at me
I sort of need a hug right now
I wonder what I'm going to eat for breakfast?

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought:
Bought? Hm...
A Nada chicken sandwich at Thundercloud
A Howard Zinn book
A weekend with the history nerds

19. Name five drinks you regularly drink: Water, coffee, pepsi, tea, and Central Market brand pomegranate Italian Soda.

20. What time did you wake up today?
8:30...I've been waking up late these days.

21. Current hair?
Neck length, no color - a splash of grey! a little funky. I love my hair right now. I want to get it cut a bit shorter in a month or so...and maybe colored burgundy.

22. Current worry?
Money. But I've been amazingly good at curtailing my worries these days. I'm also worried about some relationship issues I'm having...but it's totally self-generated and silly.

23. Current hate?
Government.

24. Favorite place to be?
Right now, I'm really wishing I was near the ocean.

25. Least favorite place to be?
I try to enjoy whereever I am. I suppose the meat department at the grocery store.

26. Where would you like to go?
Just Chicago. I'm feeling more let-down than I thought about not taking that trip. Fuck.

27. Do you own slippers?
No.

28. Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
Physically? Probably still in Austin. Mentally...I think I'll probably be in school, learning something new that I can apply to the rest of my life. Perhaps law or history or psychology or all of the above. Emotionally...I will have achieved a state of permanent love for the universe and all of its inhabitants. Hey! I can dream!

29. Do you burn or tan?
Neither. I avoid the sun. But if I'm in the sun by accident...I always burn.

30. Last thing you ate?
popcorn

31. Would you be a pirate?
I think I look bad with an eyepatch. And stripes don't really work for me. So, no.

32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
I can't actually remember. I think it was at our volunteer appreciation dinner at work - mid-January. I had a 5 dollar margarita, and it made me kind of buzzzzzzed.

33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't really sing in the shower.

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Monsters in the closet.

35. What's in your pockets right now?
Nothing.

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
Ivy's livejournal...the entry about monochromatic.

37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
Too poor for interesting bed sheets.

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
I think it was the time that I sliced my thumb open cutting a bagel. But I also broke my arm when I was young.

40. How many TVs do you have in your house?
Right now we have 3, but that will dwindle to 1 in about a week. Plus my gigantic fucking laptop, which is where I watch all of my movies.

41. Who is your loudest friend?
Cricket? At times. Although I laugh louder.

42. Who is your most silent friend?
John. The man never speaks.

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
I don't know. And it would probably be dangerous for me to know anyway, so I pretend like I don't care.

45. What is your favorite book?
I think Scripture of the Golden Eternity by Jack Kerouac.

46. What is your favorite candy?
Licorice snaps! Hot tamales!

47. What songs do/did you want played at your wedding?
Hmmmm...Either Nick Cave's _Boatman's Call_ CD or Camper Van Beethoven's _Key Lime Pie_ CD...pretty much in their entirety. Possibly both.

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
I haven't really thought about that. I'm hoping I won't die in the near future, so maybe something I haven't even heard yet. I suppose if I had to choose right now, it would be "Dancing on the Ceiling" by Lionel Richie...because that's what popped into my mind and made me chuckle.

49. What were you doing 12AM last night?
Walking the dog, Dawg!

50. Do you love the pain a tattoo brings?
Getting tattooed made me giggle.

One of these days...

February 22, 2006

I've hit a snag. You know...I feel like over the past year or so, I've come so far in terms of moving through the break up and the divorce and various financial difficulties. I've fought and fought, and I've been pretty fucking strong, too. And I guess after having felt uplifted and in a really positive place for so long, I figured I was "all better" or whatever and was ready to really just totally trust my instincts and decisions.

Lately, however, I find myself feeling tempted to make decisions that are totally wrong for me. It's like I'm being fucking tested or something. And I am agonizing over the decisions, too. I haven't DONE anything...but my journals are filled with endless back and forth over certain pressing issues in my life that any outside observer of my life (myself infuckingcluded, thankyouverymuch!) would very easily be able to discern the correct answer about...but the correct answer (which, by the way, I am choosing!See! Look at me! I'm so GOOD!) feels horribly dishonest and actually somewhat painful to me. Not constantly, but in flashes.

And I wonder why I have to be so fucking careful all the time. Cricket says I need to "stop being so scared." And, yeah...I guess in a way I am scared...of people, mostly. But mostly I'm just overly-cautious. And I yearn to be reckless. Just for a little while. I want to, just once, not think things through to the fucking end before I even begin something. You know? How the fuck do I start doing that?

One of these days
by Camper Van Beethoven

One of these days
When you figure, figure it all out
Well be sure to let me know
Well I'll be waiting right here
Come and whisper in my ear what it is I want to know
One of these days, we're gonna get into it way on over our heads
And you'll find that there's no place to hide
But if you fight and if you fail, don't fall back into yourself
You can fall back on me
One of these days
When you figure it, figure it all out
Put your lips against my ear
Tell me it all
Or tell me just a little bit, you know
You know it's what I wanna hear
One of these days
When you figure, figure it all out
Well be sure to let me know
Well I'll be waiting right here
Come and whisper in my ear what it is I wanna know
One of these days
When you figure, figure it all out
Put your lips against my ear
Tell me it all,
Or tell me just a little bit, you know
You know it's what I wanna hear

Rethinking education conference

February 22, 2006

I'm thinking about registering for this...

Rethinking Education Conference

You are cordially and enthusiastically invited...

....to attend the 10th National Conference on
Rethinking Education, to take place at the devine Sheraton Grand Hotel in Irving, Texas on Labor Day Weekend,
Thursday, August 31 - Monday, September 4, 2006.
We have been working hard and are so excited about our inspiring, transformational and fun program.

Is anyone else planning to go?

Wednesday Morning Linky Love

February 22, 2006

First of all, you need to go read my friend Michael's new blog, The Tiny Revolution. I've been reading it from the beginning, and I haven't linked to it yet because I've been too busy with other stuff. Michael rocks, and I'm totally bummed that I'm not going to be able to see him next month as I had originally planned.

****

Roadmap to more discord and war!

"You know very well that Hamas is a genuine popular movement which has always pursued the objective of recovering the rights of the oppressed Palestinian people; but unfortunately the Americans have never paid any attention to this matter," he said.

"The US decision to stop financial aid shows that they are not seeking to promote democracy in the region, contrary to their claims on the Middle East [road-map] proposal."

What a fucking surprise!

***

Maybe we should take a fucking hint!

Egyptian Foreign Minister Ahmed Abul Gheit said it was premature to cut off international aid even if Hamas is at the helm - dashing the Bush administration's hopes for a unified front against the militant Islamic group.

"We should give Hamas time. I'm sure that Hamas will develop, will evolve. We should not prejudge the issue," Mr Gheit said.

Egypt, which receives $2bn (£1.1bn) annually in military and economic aid from the US, acts as a mediator in the region.

***

Ms. Pansy links up this fucked up Marriage Contract from Smoking Gun. WTF?

***

So encouraging early marriage and large families (the conservative suggestion) isn't, in and of itself, an adequate response. The conservative argument is that what the report calls "reduced prospects" are really just the trappings of success in a materialistic society. Women should come to terms early with the notion that they will have to make hard choices, and "reduced prospects" are the inevitable price that must be paid for the far more sublime and enduring delights of bearing and raising children. Feminists respond by rejecting what they see as a false dichotomy; only in a society where there are no communal and governmental responsibilities for helping families raise children will women be forced to choose between motherhood and independence.

Thank you. The same argument applies to single motherhood - and the fear of such that traps us in unhealthy or even abusive relationships.

And then, of course, there's Twisty's take. Being a good little article skimmer, I never even considered the implication that women are somehow responsible for repopulating the nation. Next time, I'll blame the patriarchy first!

And zuzu at feministe points out the racist implications of the study.

See, if I read enough blogs, other people will do all of the analytical heavy-lifting for me!

***

RJ drops some more dead-on words about victim blaming and rape. The question I have, too, is why are women's bodies equated with money in all of the examples he gives. I mean, the examples aren't his...but it's curious that we would even entertain the notion that flashing some skin is the equivalent of flashing some cash. Are women's bodies really that much of a commodity that we don't even balk at that comparison?

***
Dude!

Second, even if the deal went through the process perfectly and the laws were followed to a tee, that doesn't mean this debate isn't healthy. Port security needs to be improved, and if Congress is paying attention, it's to all our advantages. And if they change the rules based on concerns about foreign interests (Arab, Chinese, British, whatever) exerting control over our ports, that's certainly within Congress's power, and I don't see how it merits a veto (unless there's a photo somewhere of the President and someone in the UAE holding hands).

[for a roundup of posts on the port issue, see this post and the links contained therein]

***

Uffish has redecorated! It's gorgeous!

***

I think I've been hanging out with too many boys lately, because...yeah...I can see these ads selling lots of Volkswagens.

***

That's all I got. I hope this posts! I've been getting some errors lately.

Ocean Songs.

February 22, 2006

It's totally foggy out there, and I'm walking around in a daze/foggyhaze listening to the Dirty Three play Ocean Songs. Each crescendo a wave, and I move - inward to outward - through the fog.

It would be nice to be near the ocean right now. To feel connected in such a concrete way with something so vast as all of that. Something so deep that contains so much teeming life. Right now, everything feels shallow and transitional. I know it's temporary, but I need to feel connected again. Connected to the neverending - where the sky barely touches the water at some indecipherable point on the horizon.

Instead, I am walking with my headset on, pondering the frustrating limitations of communication. Feeling like I want to hold everyone and everything and at the same time feeling shunned by and wanting to also just reject everything and everyone I come into contact with. I guess that's sort of like the ocean. I come in waves. And I also recede. And like the Dirty Three, the silence after the crescendo can feel like a peaceful place to be, as much as I hate to admit it. As much as I like to pretend that I want to live in a constant state of rapture. It Just Doesn't Happen That Way. And if it did, it would most likely really suck.

How cliche can I get. Oceans, crescendos, the importance of ebb and flow. What do you expect? It's metaphorically foggy out there and the weather matches my mood. You get what you pay for.

Pocket Change.

February 21, 2006

Another interesting article about global economics and poverty:

Friday morning in New Orleans a truck pulls up and is immediately surrounded by a group of Hispanic men. The driver shouts out his needs; the men shout back their price. Across the street a banner reads: "Remember those suffering from Katrina and Rita." But why remember something you can still see? The confederate general, high on his column in the middle of the roundabout, looks on at the haggling. Some go back to the curb; others jump in the back of the van. These scenes are replayed throughout the US every day. Scattered vignettes of supply and demand woven together with intense vulnerability that illustrate the human imperfections in a so-called perfect market.

A recent report from the University of California suggests that every morning 117,600 day labourers are hired this way. Half are employed by homeowners looking for gardening and domestic work. Slightly more than 40% are employed by contractors in construction and landscaping. Nationwide almost two-thirds are Hispanic and just over a quarter are from central America.

I guess I'm starting my semester early!

Poverty in the US

February 21, 2006

I'm going to be spending the spring focusing economics, both personal and global. This post by Egalia helps to clarify one of the reasons why I feel like personal and global economics need to be studied together. While it's important for me to get my finances in order, it's also important for me to understand the context of my struggle.

The comments to that post are as informative as the post itself, and are really illustrative of how we distance ourselves from reality using the metaphorical tools (such as this ambiguous concept of GDP as an indicator of wealth) of our masters to define our realities.

Growth, Giving Up, and more Growth

February 21, 2006

The great social experiment (which, for those who haven't been following along, is my current living situation in which I am sharing my home with another family of four) is drawing to a close. We went into the situation with the assumption that it would be temporary, so it's not like any of us are ending something that was meant to continue forever, but I do have some thoughts about time limits and limiting times. Some of these thoughts pertain to this living situation, and some do not. So, as a general disclaimer - I should say that none of this has anything to do with any shortcomings of my friends and housemates here. They have been great to share space with. They have helped me so much in so many things. They have also challenged me to grow in really important ways. I have viewed just about every single interaction with them, even the more painful ones, in a very positive way, and I am thankful for having had the opportunity to spend this time in this situation with them. I don't think it would have been nearly as successful as it has been with anyone else. I guess that's not a general disclaimer...that's a very specific disclaimer, but it's sincere.

These days, though, I wonder how much we humans limit ourselves, or put time limits on things in order to avoid adapting or growing to allow change to happen. There was a lot of talk last weekend (at the historians against the war convention) about another world being possible. And I get that. I get that our country...our world, really, has been steeped in war and imperialism from the very beginning...and that so few examples exist of cooperative/collectivist societies that it can seem impossible, idealistic, and unachievable. And broken down into sub-sub-sub-sub worlds, right down to our household units, it doesn't seem any more attainable.

Throughout these 3 co-housing months, I have frequently wanted to read a book about what others have done in similar situations to solve the problems that we have encountered...only to find myself frustrated because THERE IS NO MANUAL. Not because living with another family is so revolutionary that no one has ever done it, and perhaps I just didn't look hard enough...but also because 3 months is such a small little period on the timeline. It's really only enough time to dip our feet in collectivism. Honestly, and this is due to my own neuroses as much or more than anything else...3 months was not enough time for me to overcome the shock of sharing. In order for a true collective household to emerge, we would need more time. A lot more time. (Again, I need to disclaim that the purpose of this cohousing situation was not to form a permanent collectivist arrangement, so this is not due to any shortcomings on the part of any of us in the household.)

The funny thing, and I think I've mentioned this before, is that I'm only beginning to grow used to the living situation, and am starting to adapt in a more healthy way. I wonder how much we humans do that - give ourselves too little time to get over the hump of adaptation, and then pull away. This same thing happened when my friend R came to stay for a few months last year. We had just adapted to being crammed in the same house together - we just got the kitchen dance down - when it was time for her to go. Granted, these situations are self-limited and intended to be so, but they make me think about all of the times I have stopped before I even began - how many things I have quit before I really got started.

Is it really that I just fear success? Can that be the trite explanation to this conundrum? I've often THOUGHT that. I mean, I don't necessarily think it's that I fear the hard work, although that might be true in some cases. It seems like certain situations and relationships require hard work just before they get easier...and even when they get easier the hard work might have to continue throughout the duration. Do we naturally choose situations that will enable maximum growth? And is backing away from those situations a sign of weakness...or wisdom? I'm thinking about this in terms of my current living situation as well as some relationships, potential relationships, and unsuccessful relationships I have had/am having...and perhaps will have. Perhaps it's a combination of reasons.

I find myself pulling away from people sometimes. I call it "taking a break." I can deal with the quirks that make them human and wonderful, but after awhile with some people I just need to get some distance. I guess sometimes this is because I'm avoiding my own growth...but sometimes it's just because I need a fucking break from certain frustrating characteristics.

Another World Is Possible rings in my head. I believe that in my heart, but I wonder how that world is to be achieved. We are all so bound up in our societally-imposed ideas of what it means to relate to one another that even earnest attempts at breaking free can end up isolating us further. To the point where even going out to listen to someone give a talk about revolutionary concepts can result in two of the people I care about most in the world criticizing and complaining about the other people in the room. It gets depressing, you know? I start to get sucked in sometimes, and start to think "Yeah...people really ARE irritating, self-righteous, self-aggrandizing assholes!" But where the fuck does that get me - or anyone else? Certainly not any closer to that other world. But what is the solution? How do we learn to live with one another, whether it be sharing a house, sharing a room at a bookstore, sharing a conference, or sharing the fucking planet? My instinct...and probably yours...is that we start small. It's easy to say "change comes from within" - but what does that really mean? For me, it means learning to better accept what I view as shortcomings in other people. I think I'm on the right track when I :

a) search everyone I know or meet randomly or even just see and find something lovable about them. And focus on that lovable quality above all else. People will always find ways to disappoint me...but I can try even harder to find things about them that I deeply love.

b) notice the qualities in the people I care about that maybe aren't so lovable, and learn to appreciate those qualities for what they are - a part of what makes my loved ones who they are - rather than wishing they would change. Wow. Is this ever a challenge. But since I am not capable of forcing people to change, it's really the only way to fully love the people in my life. Unconditionally.

Sounds easy, right? Ha!

ETA:
You know, another important thing for me to remember is that I am not perfect, and I forgive myself and those around me for perceived imperfections. If I do occasionally make fun of people or situations, or generalize, or allow myself to respond to my fear of failure or shortcomings with regard to certain people, events, or environments...I can't give up on myself entirely! Nor can I give up on those I love when they display the same kind of behavior. Sometimes I need to just hang back, detach a bit, search for those qualities that I love within those around me, and move forward again with the knowledge that we all have blind spots as well as beauty. And immerse myself again.

ETA, again:
You know, another thought I'm having is that I frequently encounter a sort of "negativist peer pressure" that comes from people who are close to one another. Where someone finds something negative to complain about, and everyone sort of riffs on that. I admit, I engage in this and even instigate it at times (actually, fairly frequently)...and it's not that people should never ever do this, because it can be damn fun...but I worry about the habit of finding fault in everything. It's really fucking habit-forming. I've had entire relationships with people that have devolved into streams of sarcastic behavior to the point where honest emotion is never expressed or communicated. Again, Smart-assholitude can be the greatest thing on earth, but we need to strike a balance. I think Bill Hicks does that...he's a good person to study. Just when you start to think "Holy fuck! This man is the most depressing, negative naysayer on the planet!" He starts talking about how we are all one and one with the universe - and somehow that makes it ok. So, I mean, I think I need to examine how this dynamic is at play in my relationships...and I need to remember to bust out with the "I love you becauses" as much or more than I bust out with the silly farting around. And not only in my relationships, but in the world at large, and all of the little scenarios I find myself in within that world.

Casserole is the new Soup.

February 21, 2006

I've decided that my culinary focus for the year is CASSEROLE. I've cooked through every delectable soup recipe in my favorite cookbook, and now I am embarking on the art of oven-baked food. The only problem is that my favorite cookbook only has two casserole recipes, and I've already cooked them both. They were good, but I need MORE.

That's where you, dear reader, come in. Please send me your favorite vegetarian casserole recipes and I will be your best friend forever. I might even cook for you, although, bear with me...I'm still working on my 'serole skillz.

I totally have the best idea for a business!

February 20, 2006

OK, who wants to be my financial backer? I will run the place, you just have to fund it and do all of the financial stuff...here goes....

A combination laundromat/coffee shop/underground bookstore called, get this, REVOLUTIONS!

eh? Is that not the coolest idea ever? What better place to gather people together for good discussion over coffee and anarchist/socialist books than a laundromat. Washers, dryers, a few tables, VERY SIMPLE coffee drinks, books and zines...maybe movie nights...wireless internet.

I'm telling you...it's the best idea I've ever had! Now someone's totally going to steal it and make it their own, but all I ask is that you let me manage the place. I can sling coffee and run a cash register. I would even learn washer/dryer repair!

Semi-Sucky news

February 20, 2006

I just sort of did my taxes, and there is no way that I will be able to go to Chicago next month. I mean, first I found out that my kids weren't going to be with me, then - no cricket. & while I love a good trip on my own (and the idea of riding the train by myself really appealed to me), I think I would rather share this one. Then...it just became clear that it would be really unwise to spend the money right now. I need to buckle down, find a roommate, and get caught up on the mortgage so I can stop having to worry about it already. If I can manage that by the summer, I will treat myself to a nice road trip somewhere, and I will have plenty of vacation time to do it.

So, instead, I will spend spring break rebudgeting, refocusing, and getting ready for a new season...which isn't really such a bad trade off. I'll be here in this house with friends, and will perhaps score tix to sxsw interactive. Anyone out there planning to come to Austin?

ETA - Spring goals below:

Spring Goals

• Find a housemate (hopefully by 4/1/2006)
  
• Create a budget that includes rent money and is geared towards being caught up on mortgage by 8/1/2006
  
• Read books on personal and global economics
  
• Spill a few secrets (If I told you here, they wouldn't be secrets) by 8/1/2006 - depending on circumstances
  
• Paint - either my kitchen cabinets, my living room, or both by 8/1/2006
  
• Put up a groovy sheet-metal wall thingie like they have at Monkeywrench. It's basically just strips of sheet metal within a frame, and it makes for a great space to stick things like artwork and calendars/schedules up with magnets. I think it would look cool in my kitchen.
  
• Declutter my bedroom and living room.
  

I'll have to add more later. I think, definitely, the financial stuff needs to be dealt with primarily. I started working on it last year, but got distracted by other things. Now, I feel like I've learned a lot about how I deal with money. I have gotten over my tendency to binge and purge unecessarily, and I'm ready to really work within a reasonable budget for myself.

One of the main things I have gotten over is an idea that I need a credit card in case of an emergency. I don't. I haven't used a credit card in over 5 years now. If an emergency arises, there are other ways to deal with it that are no more expensive than monthly finance charges were.

Anyway, yeah. I feel bad that I won't be seeing my friends in Chicago, but I'm looking forward to hanging out in Austin.

Laundromat Revolution!

February 20, 2006

If I were to attempt to instigate a revolution, I would begin at the laundromat. In fact, I wish I had more time today to hang out and talk to the men who were there, talking about hard times and how "Those people in the government need to be told, once and for all, that there's no incentive to work! Making money only forces you to owe more money, and they get it all in the end!" Wow! If that's not the seed of revolution, I don't know what is. And it's all happening at the laundromat.

In fact, when I think about it, what better place? Generally speaking, laundromats are utilized by people who are not property holders and who have limited means. You have to sit there and wait for your clothes, so there is plenty of time to gab and shoot the shit and you are also sort of trapped there to listen to the opposing viewpoints of your neighbors. In such close quarters, civility is a necessity. I think, when my kids are a bit older and more able to do without me here for an hour or so at a time, I might just start hanging out at the laundromat - at least on wet, cloudy days like today where the clothesline is not an option. Maybe I'll just start hanging out there without even doing any laundry. Reading a book and waiting for an opportunity to engage in interesting conversation with my neighbors.

Thoughts on the weekend...history, social issues, and my mental/emotional state.

February 19, 2006

I spent the weekend at the Historians Against the War convention at UT, which was kicked of ceremoniously with a brilliant keynote one-two of Andrea Smith and Howard Zinn. I thought both of them gave compelling presentations, and I jotted down copious notes in spite of having to deal with really cramped quarters. At some point, I will share my notes from that keynote and from the rest of the event, but I think I really just want to write about my experience of the event in general.

First of all, DAMN, people are impatient. Including myself. The first person who approached the mic for Q&A rambled on a bit about the lovely performance activism she is doing, and within a minute, the audience was telling her to get to the point, in a not very nice way. I felt myself feeling the same way - and it happened multiple times throughout the weekend. By the 3rd or 4th time I really began to grow uncomfortable with the whole method of mob silencing that was happening & I was pleased when some with louder voices would counteract the "Shut up and ask a question" crowd. I wondered, too, why I wasn't the person counteracting, considering I was one person feeling uncomfortable with it. So, one lesson learned at the history conference was that I need to find my voice and use it.

The panels and the speakers throughout the event were informative, intelligent, and remarkable. I did kind of wish there was a way to include dissenting voices among the crowd to get a richer discussion, but in my heart of hearts I knew a) that wasn't really the point of the conference and b) it is rare for that kind of dialog to take place in a non-threatening way - particularly when there are elements of the crowd who find it necessary to silence even the voices of agreement.

At lunchtime, I situated myself in the far corner of the room to avoid all human contact. I guess I'm in that kind of mood lately. I dunno. I sat eating and pretending to write in my journal, but really I was observing everyone. Mr. Zinn was sitting two tables away, facing me...so I laughed to myself about the fact that I was practically eating lunch with one of the greatest historians of our time. I thought about maybe going back to school to study history. And then two nice boys joined me and we talked briefly about last night's speech and education and whatnot. It was a nice, pleasant conversation & allowed me to feel good about the fact that I didn't avoid human contact altogether, in spite of my best efforts to the contrary. Ha!

I was exhausted when I arrived home Saturday night, but I went out to dinner with J anyway. We went to Swad and it was pleasant, but there was dis/ease. I get the feeling it is painful for him to hang out with me, and that painfulness is maybe exacerbated by the fact that it's NOT painful for me. Or maybe he's just in pain in general. I don't know/can't claim that it has anything to do with me at all, but the dosa and chole bhatura and sev potato puri was fabulous, and it was nice to see J as he has been ill for a bit. He even helped me to fix a computer problem I have been having. I couldn't find the R. Kelly videos I told him I was going to make him watch with me, which was kind of a bummer, and he left early in the evening...which was probably good because I was so tired & sort of overwhelmed with being around people.

I was invited to a party, which had been making me nervous all week. The person who invited me is someone who I really enjoy hanging around, and actually would love to go to a party with at some point, because he always makes me feel at ease...but I just have not been feeling the whole "large crowd" thing lately & I was balking. So there was this dynamic of me feeling torn that I wasn't going to get to see my friend, but fairly certain that I would have a crappy time going to a party that was making me feel extra-super wishy washy about giving a definitive answer. I did SAY no to the party several times, but I'm fortunate that my friend is pretty sensitive about how I'm feeling, so even though he heard no, I think he sensed my feelings of hesitation and kept asking (because normally he accepts my boundaries pretty readily, actually, which is why he's so very very dear to me) - but the thing is that in addition to the original party, he was now going to be attending a fucking FRAT party, and all of the reasons for me not wanting to go were suddenly increased 5 million fold & not only that...suddenly the very idea was making me feel upset and agitated. I told my friend I was just going to go to bed, but when I laid down to sleep, I started feeling really upset about the whole party/meat market atmosphere.

I dunno...it started to really get to me that what I look like - and what others look like to me - dictates to such a great extent whether or not we ever really get to know them on a deeper level, whether we are even talking about a relationship level or not. Plus, it made me feel all shaky and weepy to think that going to a party is an exercise in dressing myself up to be judged and evaluated and deemed worthy/unworthy by random strangers in a room. blah! I'm not quite sure what actually precipitated all of this. I can't really say it has anything to do with hanging around in a room full of history nerds all day. And it's not even that I don't feel like I "measure up" or whatever...it's just the very act of feeling like other people are measuring me...in mass quantities...that started to ook me out a bit. Maybe, too, you know...I'm 36 years old! I guess to a certain extent I feel like my friend is inviting his mom out to a party with him, which seems kind of silly.

At any rate, I was able to express these feeling abruptly to my friend and get them out enough to where I was able to actually fall asleep, but it's still bothering me today that I felt so weird about it. Part of me feels totally justified in feeling that way, and part of me is like "Whatever, lady - it's just another background for whatever you experience...why get all bent out of shape." And I wonder if I would have refused to go last month or if I will refuse to go next month or the month after that. I spent much of the day today trying to figure out when I have last been to a party - like a house party of someone I don't know - and I just can't remember. And then I started trying to remember when I have ever actually met anyone worth knowing at a party, and I can't remember that, either...so I don't feel so bad. But, then, I do recall having been to some parties with friends and just enjoying the experience...so maybe that's the key. But, I guess going to a party with a male friend who is scouting for a relationship is probably what was making me feel like it wouldn't be such a good idea.

I dunno. I've already spent way more energy on this than it probably deserves, but I'm just sort of interested in why being asked to a party evoked such a strong, reactive emotional response in me. So I'll probably think about it more, but if anyone out there has any thoughts about that, I'd love to hear them.

Today I woke up late, but managed to only miss the one speaker in the whole event who made me feel impatient and irritated. There were only about 5 people on the 3-hour panel this morning, so there was lots of time for discussion in the end, and I really enjoyed hearing from all of the regular people in the room. One woman mentioned that the closest she has ever been to going to university was attending university conferences & I wanted to stand up and applaud her as she mentioned that it might be good for the panelists to consider that there are lots of people who don't have degress who could benefit from what they are saying. Then the ever-present Carl Webb made the important point that we need to bring this stuff off-campus and share information and solidarity with those who don't ever set foot on campus. I requested more resources for younger children, which is something I'm probably going to write about later, as so much of the historical research and documentation is geared towards high school and up - and even in our very good library, there are still tons and tons of books that teach the kind of history that I have to go back later and say "Oh, by the way, everything in this book is either wrong or told from a perspective that invalidates what really happened."

And now I am home. And it is fucking cold out there. And I have a million bajillion things to do, but I just want to curl up in a little ball under all of my covers and think through all of the events of the week - both educational and emotional - and breathe, and listen to music, and think, and allow myself to feel all of it, and work through all of it, and come out on the other side with some ideas about how to deal with it all.

But first I need to make myself a fucking sandwich, because I am HUNGRY!!!!!!!!

Victory!

February 16, 2006

Monk comes into the kitchen and says: Victory is OURS! I just looked in the dictionary, and George Bush isn't in there!
I reply: Awright! Let's make the dictionary a sovereign nation and move there!

We all laugh, but the funniest part is that I honestly wish we could!

This is not a love affair, this is something more complex

February 16, 2006

There is nothing like a walk on a balmy winter evening to sort out thoughts and get my ass out of my head, you know? A walk, and Camper Van Beethoven.

Blah. I hate it when I'm not perfect, and when my issues with other people point me in the direction of issues that other people might possibly be having with me in other relationships. So I have some fence mending to do this weekend and moving forward. I need to acknowledge the relationships I have that are worth working on, and let go of those that have proven to not be responsive to whatever I try to offer. Without judgment or anger, and of course with the acknowledgment that I, too, have been, and might also be let go for the same reasons.

Also, fuck relying on other people for things! I'm taking fucking greyhound or amtrak to Chicago over spring break and I'm going to fucking face my fucking family alone. I don't need anyone else to do that with me, no matter how much I was looking forward to sharing the experience. No matter how scary it is. I can do any goddamn thing I want. That has been demonstrated. So my van won't make it...that's what mass transit is for. And without my kids, I am free to experience the joy of the Greyhound, or the somewhat less surreal and far more comfortable joy of Amtrak. The mode of transport will be an adventure in and of itself...and I am looking forward to it. Totally. Absolutely.

So, there. Yeah!

New glasses!!!!!!

February 15, 2006

check it out!

With Shades:

Without:

YAY!

This? Not so much do I love.

February 15, 2006

John Ashcroft Spreads His Wings

"While Ashcroft's lobbying is within government rules for former officials," the Chicago Tribune noted, "it is nonetheless a departure from the practice of attorneys general for at least the last 30 years."

Other former AGs have "counseled corporate clients or perhaps even lobbied in a specific case as part of law firm business, [but] Ashcroft is the first in recent memory to open a lobbying firm."

Attorneys general have tended to avoid the role of "a hired gun selling his connections", Charles Tiefer, a former deputy general counsel to the U.S. House of Representatives and author of "Veering Right, How the Bush Administration Subverts the Law for Conservative Causes", pointed out.

I love this!

February 15, 2006

DUH!

February 14, 2006

I just realized the origin of this mood roller-coaster. My fucking sister called last week. I totally put it out of my mind, but it's been lurking there in the back of my mind. I need to purge it from my mind somehow. I can't say that it's totally responsible for everything I'm feeling, because my feelings are valid. But it is reminding me of my lack of place and family, and my disconnectedness...and the origins of such.

So, there, Mr. Smith...it has nothing to do with Valentine's Day at all. The rest of you can carry on being sappy! I'm going to go get some silly cards for my loved ones.

Sorry for that last post. This one isn't much better. HA!

February 14, 2006

I guess I'm feeling a bit angsty since listening to the sermon at church on Sunday. Somehow the idea of a neverending war makes me want to, like, at least share the end of the world with another human being. There are so many barriers between people, and I feel so unsafe around people that I'm actually responsible for many of those barriers. It would be nice to have a barrier-free relationship at some point in my life. Like the previous post about detached immersion...I am feeling more detachment than immersion. The balance isn't there. I get close to that line, and I just pull away. Quickly. Like I've just touched something that's too hot. And, too, I feel like the people I am immersing myself in are unavailable to me in ways that make me feel like I'm almost subconsciously or maybe intentionally using them to avoid finding actual people that I can enjoy a mutual relationship with. If that makes sense.

But that doesn't mean I'm not joyous. Angstful, a bit, but joyous nonetheless. Fucking goddamn hope. I would love to just wallow, but I can't do that. Instead, I'm compelled to wander around in the middle of the night, singing to the trees & dishing out whatever I have to whoever will accept it. Maybe I'm doing just fine. Maybe I'm NOT actually unsafe. Even if I feel angstful and alone right now, tomorrow I will feel full and alive, so why worry about it?

Anyway, regarding the sermon...Pastor Loehr was talking about the book Confessions of an Economic Hitman, which details the step-by-step process for robbing countries of their sovereignty. Or taking them down entirely. Or at least sapping them of resources. It was an awesome sermon, albeit a bit depressing. Pastor Loehr actually came out and said that he feels that 9/11 was an inside job, and he got a standing ovation from the congregation. Fucking scary shit, man.

I'm worried that war with Iran is imminent, and that makes me feel all itchy, twitchy, and weird. I haven't done all of the things I want to do in life yet, and I'm concerned for my children and their future. Well, all children and all futures, really...but looking at my kiddos reminds me of everyone else. Even if I feel fragmented and disconnected from the whole fucking world, they make me feel connected somehow. Perhaps they ARE my connection. Doubtless they are my connection.

So, yeah. It's a cyclical thing to me. I sow seeds, and then I reap. About once a month, it seems, I have to pause for a minute and figure out where I am, and where I'm going with this. I am pretty sure I'm on the right track, but I have to question it to make sure. And it's more difficult when there are such pressing outside influences, like, you know, imperialism, war, despair, and the potential for a whole lot of people to be getting dead a whole lot of fast. Damnit. It makes my head hurt and my heart burst in a bad way.

My solution for today is to go and make a casserole. Coley is sick, so I'm going to stay home from work with him and read him stories. I might do some writing. Probably some stuff in my private journal about what ails me. I'll spend some time staring at the ceiling, perhaps. Maybe Coley and I will take a nap together. I'll be fine, even if the entire world is going to shit.

And if you don't love me let me go.

February 14, 2006

I was wandering around tonight, wondering why I keep coming to my blog admin screen and clicking "new entry" and then staring at a blank screen a bit before closing out without writing anything.

Maybe it's because I have nothing to offer here. I've been spending my time mostly working and sometimes just observing everything around me. Relationships, for the most part, fascinate me. I'm kind of in this mode where I'm starting to notice the special interactions that couples have with each other and feeling a bit "pang"y about it. I drift in and out. There are times when I'm all like "Fuck! All relationships are dysfunctional and people aren't meant to be monogamous anyway, so better to be alone than to be funneling all of my love-energy into one person!" and then there are times when I'm all like "You know, even though all relationships are dysfunctional, it sure would be nice to find someone who is compatible with my dysfunction and, you know, catch a break and maybe have a smooch-a-rama every once in awhile."

And then there's the imminent possibility that we are facing the end of the world, which makes me want to grab the nearest convenient romantic partner and just say "To hell with it all." And engage in one of those smooch-a-ramas, you know?

So, what the fuck do I know? And why the hell should you care? That's what I find myself thinking when I come here to stare at the blank "new entry" screen, trying to think of something interesting to say.

And my friend the archbishop just pointed out that tomorrow is Valentine's day, and maybe I'm falling victim to the surrounding hallmark sapfest...well, to that I say Happy fucking Valentine's Day, motherfuckers.

Just a couple new photos on flickr

February 13, 2006

This is the squirrel I fed at the park last week:

Plus there are a couple of new lipsticky self-portraits because my hair was being particularly cooperative one day last week.

I have some more photos from the homeschool birthday party a couple of weeks ago, plus MLK day photos that I never posted...I'll put those up next week!

Happy Monday. Have a good week!

Gah!

February 9, 2006

It's been a busy week, and it's going to be an uncharacteristically busy weekend. So I thought I would just post something today so everyone knows I'm still here.

Also - a reminder! If you haven't changed your link yet, please do so! You know who you are!

Also - if anyone wants to sponsor my registration for the Historians Against the War conference...I would be your best friend forever! I'm going to send out winter mix CDs next weekend to all of those who requested them, and all of those who want to throw a few bux in the paypal kitty to help me pay for my registration fee! I am for sure for sure going, and I will for sure for sure try to blog from there.

Also - if I don't get around to posting tomorrow...have a great weekend! Yay!

Mwah!

I guess I should write something.

February 7, 2006

Mondays are always so busy, especially on the weeks the kids have therapy. Yesterday was non-stop until 1 AM & I had no time for anything except driving and working. I came home briefly mid-day (which, in my workday is actually early evening) to change my clothes and make Coley a PB&J sandwich before I went back to work & I did sneak out for a bit to watch the tail end of an old Ted Koppel interview with the seemingly coked-up head of the Church of Scientology and a documentary about the Montana Militia vs. the "green nazis." I couldn't figure out why I was nodding out toward the end until, on the way home, it occurred to me that I had been up since 6 AM. Now I have a headache, and I still haven't shaken this sore throaty thing I've been carrying around, which is threatening to turn into a full-blown cold unless I'm super vigilant about echinacea and oranges. I'm sure of it.

I need to work on getting Coley to stop sucking his fingers & I'm not sure how to go about it. I have tried the Mrs. Nice Guy approach of letting him know the consequences (the dentist says it's fucking up his teeth & I believe her!) and gently reminding him when I see him do it. This is not working. His therapist actually recommended that I get some of that bitter-tasting crap that people use for thumb suckers. I might just resort to that. I think I can afford braces less than I can afford the therapy bill that will come from Coley hating me for making his comfort fingers taste like rotten pickles.

Sometimes it sucks to be the mama.

Also, I need new glasses. I have a crack in one of the lenses of my current glasses (along with the fact that the frames are totally dorkily bent out of shape) and I think it's ruining my vision. That will be tomorrow, maybe. Glasses tomorrow. I need to make an appointment. And I need to get the transmission pan drained on my van and cross my fingers that it solves the problems I have been having. Is that what it's called? The transmission fluid pan? That's what the guys at Jiffy Lube said it was, I think. I WAS going to get the car repaired first, but I think my vision is more important. Plus, *new glasses*! Yay!

I got the 10th Anniversary issue of Bitch Magazine over the weekend & I'm reading it on the toilet. Ah, Bitch! I'm also making another Tuesday Casserole. Casserole!

I'm in the midst of acquiring all of the R. Kelly "Trapped in the Closet" videos so my zany friends and I can laugh until we barf. Doesn't that sound fun?

The Grateful Ten

February 5, 2006

Some things I'm feeling particularly grateful for today:

• Time to clean my living room, at last!
• Cleaing to The Cramps
• A totally unscheduled, unobligated, solitary weekend (not that I have minded the company, but it's nice to spend a weekend alone once in awhile.)
• Developing photos for Friends.
• LIbrary day!
• Discovering that Prickball is right across the street - even though I don't think I will ever ever join them.
• All that it has taken to get me here
• All that it will take to get me there
• Queer as Folk
• Sunday mid-afternoon walk, followed by Sunday mid-afternoon nap. Right after I post this. Yahoo!

KOOP Burns again

February 5, 2006

Damnit.

A four-alarm fire in the heart of downtown Austin damaged at least three buildings early Saturday morning. They housed the club Taste, the old Copper Tank Brewery and the KOOP radio station.

From the KOOP website:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: February 4, 2006 Contact: Amy Wright – 207-0710 Andrew Dickens – 426-3273 info@koop.org

Who: KOOP Radio 91.7 FM
What: Second Fire Destroys KOOP Facilities
When: February 4th
Where: 304 E. 5th St. – 3rd Floor
Austin, TX 78701

KOOP 91.7FM suffered another setback on the morning of February 4th when a second fire swept through our facilities, forcing KOOP off the air again. This second fire destroyed all of KOOP’s studio equipment. KOOP had been damaged in a fire on January 6th, 2006 when a fire in a second floor apartment caused considerable damage to the building and significant smoke damage to KOOP’s equipment.

The February 4th fire started in a club located on the same block as KOOP. The fire spread from the club to the building that houses KOOP, and then rapidly spread up to KOOP’s studios and offices.

KVRX is broadcasting for KOOP throughout the weekend. KOOP will not be able to resume full operations until we secure new equipment and a new location. KOOP is working on contingency plans to return to the air with limited capabilities.

Through the efforts of our staff, volunteers, and listeners, KOOP had begun to recover from the January 6th fire. This second event further strains KOOP’s already exhausted volunteers, staff and limited resources. Nevertheless, KOOP is determined to return to the airwaves to serve the community and fulfill its mission.

A mini membership drive, in partnership with Charity Partners of Austin, had been scheduled for this weekend (February 4-5). You may however contribute online.

KOOP faces a significant financial challenge in the coming months. It anticipates paying at least double the amount of rent it currently pays. Additionally, it will have to replace all studio equipment and spend a significant amount to build out a new studio.

About 91.7 KOOP Radio:
KOOP Radio provides high quality, innovative and diverse programming with an emphasis on those communities that are under-served or ignored by the mainstream media. KOOP is Austin’s community-owned, community-operated public radio station.
Posted by Amy Wright

Cool stuff I have done this weekend

February 5, 2006

I flopped down on my bed yesterday after the kids had been picked up, and actually bemoaned my aloneness for a minute. And then I lifted my head up, and was like "What the fuck? I LOVE spending time alone."

So I took myself out to Wheatsville to sit and eat and scan the Chronicle for any good movies that might be playing. I found none, so, insteady, I went out for coffee and read some of this book I've been reading (thanks for the recommendation) and did a bit of writing. The cool thing about having a gigantic laptop is not that the screen is nice a purty for graphics and whatall, it's because it's entirely too nerdy (even for me) to whip out this gargantuan thing at a coffee shop, so I'm forced to read and write when I'm sitting by myself, which is an excellent way to eavesdrop on everyone else's conversations. Which is my favorite thing to do.

So, anyway, the caramal latte at Spiderhouse is really yummy, and I made it last for a good 2 hours or so before I got back into my car and drove up to Half Price Books to see if I could find anything decent. I did. I found this Bell Hooks Book, and the two Upski Wimsatt books that I have been looking for. I actually had a copy of No More Prisons, but I lost it in a frenzy of lending, which is cool...I just hope whoever ended up with it is lending it out in a frenzy, also. I don't think I've ever read Bomb The Suburbs, so I'm looking forward to it.

Then home, and I was actually so tired that I didn't even walk the dog like I normally do. I just kind of tried to read a bit and realized I could barely keep my eyes open, so I crashed hard and didn't wake up until like 8 or 8:30, which is actually kind of late for me if I get to bed before midnight. I worked today, so that took up a chunk of my Saturday, but after work, I headed over to Flightpath with my big nerdy laptop and did a bit of websurfing and coffee guzzling before traipsing back home. Then I dumped my stuff, loaded up my walkman, and headed out on foot first to My friend M's house, where I had a nice little conversation about the peace of mind that seems to come from growing older, and abusive relationships and their detrimental effect on people, and being a witness for people, and other such groovy things.

I realized that sometimes I get too hung up on the craziness of certain people in my life, and I forget that they are so good. It's that way with M sometimes. Well, I mean, it's that way with everyone I know, if I let it. I take things too personally sometimes, and I let the momentary insanity that exists in all of us interfere with all of the nice things about that person. I think I'm getting a handle on it...I'm definitely better about it now than I was a year ago, and I was better a year ago than I was before that. I'm conscious of it, and that makes all of the difference in the world. So, it was especially nice to have a talk with M, because she really is a true gem, and I am so glad that she is part of my life.

I hung out with M longer than I was planning to, but that's OK. After we were done talking, I hoofed it up to Kim Phung for dinner. My sweet waiter guy got my order wrong, but I didn't really care. He felt bad about it, because he didn't notice until after the fact - but I was all "I would have said something if it really mattered" and it didn't. So I didn't.

And I walked back home, listening to Dead Can Dance and walking along Lamar. It was nice. The weather is perfect still. A little windy, maybe a bit nippier than the night before, but still really fucking nice for February. Gah! I just realized I will be in Chicago in about a month. How insane!

When I got home, I popped myself some corn and watched Crash, which made me cry and wish I had someone here to hug. & after it was over, I fired up the laptop and typed this. In a minute here, I think I'm going to go out for ANOTHER walk, because Dead Can Dance is really fun to listen to in the middle of the night, walking around my neighborhood. And then I'll probably come home and watch the episode of NOW that I just, um, recorded. And then...to sleep, most likely. And tomorrow I will wake up and go to this public forum and maybe the library and perhaps a movie and who knows what else, but it will be fun no matter what. I'm sure of it.

Why I love First UU Church of Austin

February 5, 2006

Calendar

Title: Forum:Tools for Peaceful Resolution of Conflict Description: Speaker: Kris Donley, M.Ed., Executive Director, Dispute Resolution Center

Conflict is a natural and necessary exercise of energy. Through conflict, growth, change and creative solutions emerge. Conflict in its most destructive form, however, is costly to the human experience.

It is our challenge as conscientious individuals to manage conflict in a productive manner so that growth and creativity can flourish. While mediation is a popular and increasingly known practical tool to address the externally expressed conflict between two or more individuals, groups or entities, meditation can prepare the individual to embrace what mediation has to offer-- either as a receiver or facilitator of the process.

This presentation examines the individual modalities and their interplay necessary for promoting individual and community peace.

Kris Donley has served as adjunct faculty member in the Graduate Conflict Management program at St. Edwards University and is a guest lecturer at many colleges and universities.

The Public Affairs Forum is presented most Sundays in Howson Hall at 11:30 am.

Sounds like a nice way to spend part of my Sunday, eh?

(blog)roll yr own - Lazy Saturday Edition

February 4, 2006

I'ma start this little link session with a post by Anarchocyclist, who links up some great perspectives of Hamas, including this gem that points out the failure of democracy in refusing to understand and accept the legitimacy of last week's election results:

Our message to the Israelis is this: we do not fight you because you belong to a certain faith or culture. Jews have lived in the Muslim world for 13 centuries in peace and harmony; they are in our religion "the people of the book" who have a covenant from God and His Messenger Muhammad (peace be upon him) to be respected and protected. Our conflict with you is not religious but political. We have no problem with Jews who have not attacked us - our problem is with those who came to our land, imposed themselves on us by force, destroyed our society and banished our people.

***

President Bush's Words Ring Hollow to Soldiers' Loved Ones

Mr. Bush said Tuesday that there was nothing honorable about retreat. I say there is nothing honorable about waging wars of choice. There is nothing honorable about refusing to admit mistakes and covering up lies. Invading Iraq was wrong; moreover, it was immoral and irresponsible.

Rather than admit that and commit to bringing the troops home now, he calls those who disagree with him defeatists and isolationists. There is a big difference between isolationism and advocating for responsible foreign policy, a difference Mr. Bush does not seem to acknowledge. Refusing to wage unnecessary wars is not isolationism, it is common sense.

Mr. Bush also said military families have made great sacrifices. I do not need the president to remind me of this. Every day for a year, I waited and wondered if my soldier would be the next person to be killed or wounded in a war that should not have begun. Every day, I watched the news in tears and prayed that another family would not have to shoulder the burden of loss. I prayed selfishly, hoping it was not my soldier. Every day, I lived with the knowledge that I could lose the man I love in a war of choice and that his service and sacrifice to this country were being wasted and abused by this administration.

I never needed the president to tell me I had made sacrifices before, and I do not need him to now. His family is safe and sound; he never had those experiences, never made those sacrifices himself and is in no position to console me.

***

The fuck?

Also, diplomats say Egypt made a proposal to include a reference to making the Middle East a nuclear weapon free zone.

This was rejected by the US, which saw it as an attack on Israel's nuclear arsenal.

***

Ampersand has the goods on the latest attempt to make fat people hate themselves. Why? Is it just so so-called "normal" have something to feel superior about?

Two British charity groups, Cancer Research UK and Weight Concern, recently made headlines with a new survey purporting to show that fat people were unaware of health issues and "in denial" about their weight. The poll results, in fact, showed very little difference in knowledge between fat people and what the survey writers called "normal" people; and "in denial" refers to any fat person who is content with their body as it is.

Of course, since I don't hate myself, I am in DENIAL. I love it!

***

YaHWeH Laughing My Ass Off, too!

I don't want to defend AOL because I don't like AOL. At the same time, this is absurd. Now any use of "I AM" is first and foremost use of "the English translation of YaHWeH, the self-proclaimed name of God"? The Christians are now claiming exclusive rights to the first-person singular present of to be? Are they fucking serious?

bahahahaha! Damnit! I want exclusive rights to the third-person plural past tense of to be!

***

YaHWeH flabbergasted about this:

On a quest to gain greater attention and validation from angry white men with too much free time, CNN has hired racist hypocrite and amateur eugenicist, Bill Bennett, as a commentator. (I guess CNN was still smarting from losing the bidding war for isolationist bigot Pat Buchanan.)

You may recall that this is the same Bill Bennett who made the "aborting all black babies" statement, for which he has yet to apologize. However, my beef is not with this rightwing numbskull, because one should not really have too high expectations for such an idiot in the first place. My real concern is how best to punish CNN and the other mass media lemmings for being, well, . . . CNN.

***

The Fuck? Part 2 (an explanation)

Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani, former president and a towering figure in Iran’s 27-year Islamic Republic, made a last-minute appeal to the board of the IAEA not to refer Iran to the UN security council over its nuclear programme.

[via]

***

Welp, my coffee is gone, and I'm in need of some respite here. Time to take myself out on a little date, I think.

Detached Immersion

February 4, 2006

More often than not lately, I find myself standing outside of people and feeling amused by their responses to situations and stimulus. This probably sounds egotistical without the disclaimer that I also feel amused by my own responses to situations and stimulus. I became conscious of this little mental trick about a month ago, when I was at the peak of one of my manic "I'm in love with everyone" phases, and I decided that I ALWAYS want to feel that way. And the only way to feel that way - totally immersed and in love with the universe - was to allow myself to remain at least somewhat detached from the universe. Looking at myself and those around me from the outside, while being fully immersed in the experience of them.

I guess having the camera has helped in this regard. I find myself sometimes taking pictures, but missing the action that I'm photographing. When I find myself doing that, I remind myself that I have to be part of the activity in order to fully process the activity. There's a fine line to walk between immersion and detachment. If you become fully immersed, you lose yourself...if you become too detached, you lose the everything else. Like taking pictures, writing poetry, and being in love.

I'm not quite sure where I'm headed with this, other than to say that I haven't felt this good about myself and my life for as long as I can remember. I feel like I have endless reserves of...whatever it is that allows me to get by. And, too, I feel like I have plenty to share. I don't feel like I need to protect myself or react defensively, even when people come at me with dysfunction or damage. It's like I'm able to recognize where that action is coming from, and I can either step aside to avoid being hit with it, or I can immerse myself in it fully, find the source, and empathize. It's actually really cool. And right now, I'm sort of standing outside of myself, admiring this new phase in my life and thinking "I hope this lasts for awhile, I kind of like it here."

Flickr Foto Friday: Protests, punk rock, and princess beautiful

February 3, 2006

New photos up on Flickr, including last night's show photos and pictures of the state of the union protest. Plus some chalk graffiti and a pro-breastfeeding-in-public sign. Yay!

I just discovered something...

February 3, 2006

"I will survive" (the Cake version - but I imagine the same is true of the Gaynor version) is as empowering an anthem when you HAVEN'T broken up with someone as it is when you HAVE.

What a kick ass song.

Random Ten: Post-attack Formation Version

February 3, 2006

1. Eckhart Tolle - A New Earth, Track 3
2. Colin Meloy - California One Youth and Beauty Brigade (live)
3. Bob Marley/Peter Tosh - Lively Up Yourself
4. Minutemen - Theater is the Life of You
5. Public Enemy - Anti-N****r Machine
6. The Smoking Popes - Megan
7. Eckhart Tolle - The Power of Now, Track 2
8. A Tribe Called Quest - Get it Goin' On
9. Portishead - A Tribute to Monk
10. Kleenex Girl Wonder - The Bostonians

Attack Formation

February 3, 2006

It was good to get out last night. It's been somewhat of a stressful week this week in the house and within the context of other relationships in my life. I'm learning a lot about myself and about the defenses of other people, and I'm loving it all, even the conflict and the dis-ease...but I'm starting to feel a little crispy around the edges from it all. So, J scooped me up, fresh from his journeys (well, not fresh from...but returned from) and we went to see Attack Formation.

Have I mentioned that Attack Formation are my new favorite band here in Austin? There's something about the fact that they always have about 92 people up on stage with them that makes me grin and grin and grin. Plus, a trumpet! And, last night, a cello - which made me think of my sweet Kera and wonder what the fuck she is up to these days.

But, Actually, before Attack formation was, um...I keep wanting to say Sir Arthur Conan Doyle now, thanks to one of the guys in AF, who kept referring to him as such...but his name was actually Daniel Frances Doyle. Basically, it was one guy on stage with a drum kit. He would play a guitar riff and, I guess, feed it through some sort of effect or delay pedal (here I'm trying to make myself sound like I know more about music than I actually do) and then he would sort of, well, rip his chest open and all of his guts would spill out all over the drums, and every once in awhile he'd tap the pedal with his foot and the guitar riff would accompany him. It was like a onemanemohorrorshow. And I mean emo in the original sense of the word, not the socks-on-arms sense. He fucking ruled. I haven't seen anything that compelling in a long time.

After that, I did yo-yo tricks outside of the club for two drunk men, one of whom claimed to be the Minnesota champion yo-yo master (or so he claimed. He refused to touch my yo-yo (HA! I need to use that as a pick-up line! "TOUCH MY YO-YO!") because, according to J, I guess his band was on Conan O'Brien and after they played he was asked to do a yo-yo trick and he fucked it all up & I guess stopped playing with yo-yo's after that? Or something. I dunno. I was too busy trying to show them my homegrown "kick the cricket" trick.) At any rate both of the guys were encouraging me to create a new trick in which I would shoot the moon and then do around the world. They wanted me to call it the...fuck...what's the name of that ship in that Gordon Lightfoot song? I can't remember...but I told them that all of my tricks have animal names, like "Shucking the oyster" and "kicking the cricket" and then I almost pegged some passerby with the yo-yo, and then some sexual innuendo happened, which was funny and cute and not threatening - mostly because I didn't really think it was directed at me personally, and then it looked like the next band was going to play so I shook hands with the boys and went in.

The next band was...fuck, I forgot the name. But some drunk guy with what J said was probably the most unflattering hairstyle EVER was screeching into the microphone and they were actually pretty entertaining and interesting. I took a few pictures. And then me and J and Susan went outside to chat a bit and then Attack Formation and Nervous Exits started to set up, so we went back in so we could be all nerdy and stand up front. Well, susan and I did. J stood in the back. With his earplugs. I keep waiting for my "earplugs are for wimps" motto to come back and bite me in the ass, but it hasn't yet. I suppose I will go completely deaf when I am older, but what the fuck. In the meantime, I will listen to music with all of my ears and wake up the next day feeling like how you feel when you get fucked really hard the night before, only in my ears and not in my fuck areas.

Susan and I watched the bands set up, and Susan...licking her lips (not really, but it sounds good, doesn't it) said "Man, there are a lot of boys on that stage." And there were. And I guess I'm a little boy crazy right now, because I didn't even start to get pissed off about the fact that the entire lineup that night was like 97.5% boy. And we talked about cute long-haired boys and how the singer/guitarist/keyboardist from AF is so adorable he makes me want to pinch someone. Hard. With his little hip shaking hair flying thing that he does. Sigh. I swear that is NOT the reason why I like Attack Formation so much...it's just like an added bonus thing.

Anyway, so the deal was that Attack Formation was going to play face to face with this really bad raunchy southernish white boy punkrock funkblues band who were trying to hard to sound like any number of late 80's Texas bands of the same genre. Really, they were Awful. They are pretty much the reason why I can't stand to go to shows in Texas, because pretty much once you start going regularly all bands start to sound like that. I wanted to exit nervously whenever they started playing because the guys voice was all bumble-bee-ish and made me yearn FOR not just earplugs but like a complete fucking headset to drown it out entirely. Meanwhile, Attack Formation crammed their crew of 11tygazillion onto the stage and some spilling off of the stage and standing in the middle of the audience and rocked out. They weren't as energetic as they have been the last 2 times I have seen them, but they were still entertaining and fun to listen to and they made me smile and smile and smile. I mean, you just have to love them. They are the coolest. In the whole world. Ever.

And before it was over, it was over. Everyone was fucking smoking and I couldn't stand it anymore so I moved to the back and then J finished his beer and we left and drove susan home and I came home and went to sleep and I can't even remember if I had any dreams before suddenly it was 7 AM and my boys were arriving home from their papa's house and snuggling in bed with me and I read them some stories and fell back to sleep. And today is a new day.

And, indeed, my ears feel like they have been properly fucked, my dear Watson.

Hey everyone, can you help with some science homework

February 2, 2006

Monk needs to make a table to chart the answers to these questions:

1. What is/was your favorite school cafeteria food?
2. What is your shoe size?

I need at least 10 answers! Help!

what really happened

February 2, 2006

Cindy Sheehan: What Really Happened

My ticket was in the 5th gallery, front row, fourth seat in. The person who in a few minutes was to arrest me, helped me to my seat.

I had just sat down and I was warm from climbing 3 flights of stairs back up from the bathroom so I unzipped my jacket. I turned to the right to take my left arm out, when the same officer saw my shirt and yelled; "Protester." He then ran over to me, hauled me out of my seat and roughly (with my hands behind my back) shoved me up the stairs. I said something like "I'm going, do you have to be so rough?" By the way, his name is Mike Weight.

The officer ran with me to the elevators yelling at everyone to move out of the way. When we got to the elevators, he cuffed me and took me outside to await a squad car. On the way out, someone behind me said, "That's Cindy Sheehan." At which point the officer who arrested me said: "Take these steps slowly." I said, "You didn't care about being careful when you were dragging me up the other steps." He said, "That's because you were protesting." Wow, I get hauled out of the People's House because I was, "Protesting."

I was never told that I couldn't wear that shirt into the Congress. I was never asked to take it off or zip my jacket back up. If I had been asked to do any of those things...I would have, and written about the suppression of my freedom of speech later. I was immediately, and roughly (I have the bruises and muscle spasms to prove it) hauled off and arrested for "unlawful conduct."

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