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« Sound system gonna bring me back up... | Main | What I learn about parenting from my non-parent friends. »
Healing.
February 27, 2006
I should say that I spent most of Saturday morning in bed crying my eyes out quietly. I say this as my roommates move out. It's releasing a flood of emotion. Not due to anything having really anything to do with them, but having to do with all that I've been holding in as a result of having people sharing this house with me. In a way, it's good - because I do love the Allison family enough to feel OK with having been somewhat of a scared bunny rabbit while they were here. I feel like we can easily enough mend whatever that resulted in. I already am feeling more open to all of them now that they are going. The trick is to maintain that openness and to not fall back again when someone else moves in.
So, anyway, crying my eyes out. What I was doing was remembering a lot of pain. I was fully realizing how much denial I was in during the 3 years I lived here with a silently abusive partner. I was remembering what it caused in my spirit. I remember resigning myself to that. I remember feeling like it didn't really effect me - like I was bullet-proof - as long as I acknowledged that it was reality. Like "as long as I'm aware that this is a fucked up situation, I won't get fucked up by it." Which is sort of like standing on a railroad track, saying "As long as I'm aware that train is coming down the track at me, I won't get fucking smeared by it!" It sounds silly now, but I did it.
I can't explain to anyone what it was like to live in this house for those three years. What I can say is that I understand and accept now what it did to my heart. Around the middle of that time, I decided that love didn't exist. that I could just stay in that situation because all love is painful, so why should I leave behind the familiar pain of the love I had learned to cope with for the minute possibility that I might find love that was slightly less painful?
And, the truth of the matter is that all love IS painful. But not always. It requires a lot, but it gives back whatever you put in. Perhaps not in the same currency, but at least the same value. I'm just now finding my way back to a place where I can extend my love without fear, and it's scary as shit. I'm not just talking about romantic love, I am talking about any kind of relationship that requires/inspires any amount of depth or intimacy. I don't have a roadmap to guide me on my particular journey. I just have to make it up as I go along, and be honest, and insist on integrity and freedom.
I'm not perfect, but I'm trying. I'm putting myself forward. That's the only way out of this place.
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Comments
Been there......its been a few years out and is still difficult to trust.Always hard to figure because there are good reasons to be suspicious of new partners but no one whos fucked up admits their shit it seems....Denial is powerful medicine.....Its sure though no one can repeat the same bullshit now that you know because YOU WILL LEAVE THEM as soon as it gets there. You will because love is better enmasse, unattached or alone than it is there
your self-awareness is one of your huge strengths, and i hope you know that. it is what makes the difference between women who end up going from one abusive relationship to the next and between those who escape and blossom. my mom's self awareness is what led me to only have one abusive relationship (after having lived with my father for long enough - i guess that counts as two), to see it for what it was and to move on.
i can't agree that all love is painful, though. na-han. or perhaps i call by some other name what you call pain in love. or perhaps i've found a few (very few, for sure) relationships in which we've gone through the pain and are now at another level entirely.
Always Rising - Thanks for the thoughtful comment.
5blue - I mean there is pain in all relationships...not necessarily pain inflicted with intention, but being close to someone usually involves growth...and pain is, I think, an inevitable offshoot of growth. Not unbearable...not abusive...just regular old growing pains.