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« Rethinking education conference | Main | When in doubt...meme! »
One of these days...
February 22, 2006
I've hit a snag. You know...I feel like over the past year or so, I've come so far in terms of moving through the break up and the divorce and various financial difficulties. I've fought and fought, and I've been pretty fucking strong, too. And I guess after having felt uplifted and in a really positive place for so long, I figured I was "all better" or whatever and was ready to really just totally trust my instincts and decisions.
Lately, however, I find myself feeling tempted to make decisions that are totally wrong for me. It's like I'm being fucking tested or something. And I am agonizing over the decisions, too. I haven't DONE anything...but my journals are filled with endless back and forth over certain pressing issues in my life that any outside observer of my life (myself infuckingcluded, thankyouverymuch!) would very easily be able to discern the correct answer about...but the correct answer (which, by the way, I am choosing!See! Look at me! I'm so GOOD!) feels horribly dishonest and actually somewhat painful to me. Not constantly, but in flashes.
And I wonder why I have to be so fucking careful all the time. Cricket says I need to "stop being so scared." And, yeah...I guess in a way I am scared...of people, mostly. But mostly I'm just overly-cautious. And I yearn to be reckless. Just for a little while. I want to, just once, not think things through to the fucking end before I even begin something. You know? How the fuck do I start doing that?
One of these days
by Camper Van Beethoven
One of these days
When you figure, figure it all out
Well be sure to let me know
Well I'll be waiting right here
Come and whisper in my ear what it is I want to know
One of these days, we're gonna get into it way on over our heads
And you'll find that there's no place to hide
But if you fight and if you fail, don't fall back into yourself
You can fall back on me
One of these days
When you figure it, figure it all out
Put your lips against my ear
Tell me it all
Or tell me just a little bit, you know
You know it's what I wanna hear
One of these days
When you figure, figure it all out
Well be sure to let me know
Well I'll be waiting right here
Come and whisper in my ear what it is I wanna know
One of these days
When you figure, figure it all out
Put your lips against my ear
Tell me it all,
Or tell me just a little bit, you know
You know it's what I wanna hear
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