Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: What I learn about parenting from my non-parent friends.

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« Healing. | Main | Things I (re)discovered last weekend. »

What I learn about parenting from my non-parent friends.

February 27, 2006

This weekend was a particularly rough one in terms of the children. I had a few really rough patches with both kids that required all of my powers of patience and empathy, and on more than one occasion, I think I fell really short. But, what can you do? As a parent, you have to just dust yrself off, make amends as best you can, and start all over again.

I also had visits with two of my favorite non-parent friends this weekend, and both visits involved some discussion about what parenting entails. Both friends expressed fears and doubts about engaging with children, and it inspired me to really think about what I experience as a parent and what kinds of ways parenting has really shaped who I am (not to mention how who I am has shaped the parent I am.)

One thing that I realize these days more than ever - and it's probably my greatest challenge as a parent - is that parenting requires presence. In order for me to have healthy interactions with my children, I need to be fully present when I am with them. This requires two things of me, particularly. It requires that I practice giving my full attention to the children when I am in their presence...and it also requires that I set healthy boundaries for myself which enable me to disengage when necessary. Even if these moments of disengagement are temporary. I need to sometimes be able to regroup - some days more frequently than others - to avoid acting out in unhealthy/unconstructive ways with them. I think I do a pretty good job of this, but lately - like with most relationships in my life lately - I have been disengaged more often than necessary.

Another thing that my non-parent friends really expressed to me this weekend is sort of a fear of needing to be perfect around the children. One friend said he had a fear that he would act inappropriately - like responding in a harsh way - in a moment of stress. I wonder how perfect these people think I am! Of course we adults occasionally fuck up with the children! That's what growing and learning is all about! That's how being a parent shapes me and forces me to become a better person. My children challenge me to question my responses to them. To think through my feelings in any given moment. To choose positive and healthy methods of communication. To not avoid conflict, and to embrace every moment.

My non-parent friends help me to realize all the potential growth I can experience in being a parent. Their fears are valid, but I encourage them to be realistic about themselves. I think in many ways, learning how to relate well to children is a process of healing that can also best teach us how to relate well to everyone. I can respect their misgivings and doubts, and still attempt to gently push them beyond.

Posted at February 27, 2006 12:58 PM

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Comments

'that parenting requires presence. In order for me to have healthy interactions with my children, I need to be fully present when I am with them'

Thanks dru, I really needed to read that today. I am at a crossroads in regards to my time and I realize it's affecting my being present with my children.

Posted by: Trula at February 28, 2006 6:16 AM

Hey Trula,

You are welcome. It's a lesson I have to keep relearning, and saying it out loud makes it a little easier to remember.

Posted by: drublood at March 3, 2006 4:25 PM