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« February 2006 | Main | April 2006 »

Yes. It's so true.

March 31, 2006

[00:27] lgbdozer: I've suddenly realized that I'm an extrovert.
[00:27] trac: hehe - i knew that when i first met you
[00:27] lgbdozer: I wonder how many other things I have totally pegged wrong abuot myself.
[00:27] trac: was this a recent change in your personality - or has it always been there?
[00:27] lgbdozer: I don't know.
[00:28] trac: i'm becoming more extroverted, too
[00:28] lgbdozer: I think maybe I just like to call myself an introvert, so I don't offend the people I don't feel like talking to.
[00:28] lgbdozer: hahahhaahahhaha
[00:28] lgbdozer: And there are a LOT of those.
[00:28] trac: this month particularly because i'm having to sustain a strong outgoing focus with all of these interviews and calls and whatnot
[00:28] trac: hehe!
[00:29] trac: yes, it's easy to blame introversion instead of *aversion*
[00:29] lgbdozer: ha!
[00:29] lgbdozer: good one!
[00:29] lgbdozer: I'm totally going to blog that!
[00:29] trac: ...and then tell me about something funny someone said the next time i see you...
[00:29] trac: ... and you'll say, "oh wait, that was you!"
[00:29] trac: :-)
[00:29] lgbdozer: fuck you!
[00:29] lgbdozer: You are SO MEAN!
[00:29] lgbdozer: hahahahahahaha
[00:29] lgbdozer: ;)
[00:29] trac: you know i'm kidding!
[00:30] lgbdozer: I totally know!
[00:30] lgbdozer: but it's also TRUE.
[00:30] trac: ha!
[00:30] lgbdozer: It's actually HILARIOUSLY true.

Like A Cricket Swallowed by a Whale

March 31, 2006

I'm thinking "Sweet. Sweet. Sweet." as I'm on my walk today. It couldn't be a nicer evening for a walk. And I totally had a hot makeout session with the wind, as it nibbled my ear playfully, ran its soft edges along the line of my jaw, and tickled my lips, tongue on teeth.

And I realized, the void doesn't smile crookedly - it smiles nervously. As I cock my head and stare into it, I recognize that it fears its own finiteness, just like everyone else. Like all of these people who claim that living in the now can be achieved by erasing the past and totally flipping off the future. Like that. Only worse. The frequency is missed. To some, it buzzes - to others, it chirps.

We were talking last night about those empty spaces, and what we fill them with. I know now, walking outside full to bursting. The wind. The dog. The crookedchirpingcricket void. The everything that I am to be and ever was. I can't help but be utterly in love with the wind, and all that it encompasses, implies, or informs.

Disco Nap

March 30, 2006

I can't believe I am about to take a disco nap before I run out to play cards with a total stranger. But the kids just left, and I had to wake up at like 5 AM after staying up until 2 AM, so a disco nap is definitely in order.

And suddenly I have about a zillion people who want to move into my house. What's with that? Keep your fingers crossed that this weekend is the weekend I find someone. Damnit!

And, can I just ask something? What is fucking WRONG with people lately? Specifically, my ex. Dude, it has been over THREE YEARS since I have had any reasonable possibility to do anything that you might perceive as having been wrong to you. It's OK to start talking to me now. At least to say "hello" and "goodbye" when you pick up the kids. You are really not convincing me that I am A Bad Person by rolling your eyes at me whenever I extend what should be common courtesy by greeting you politely at the door.

I mean, seriously. I don't get some people. I truly, truly do not.

The origins of things

March 30, 2006

I suddenly find myself nursing the most healthy addiction of all.

Hello, my name is Lainie, and I am addicted to interaction.

Last night, yet again, I walked into my living room, set to give the dog her long-overdue walk. And there was Rachel. Rachel, the wonderful distraction. Rachel, with whom I have spent the past month engaged in some of the most wonderful, revealing, heart-wrending, open, honest discussions. I feel replenished. And I'm sad that she is leaving in a few short days.

So, we talked. Fuck the walk. The dog lay on the couch and sighed and sighed. I felt bad, but, like I said, I'm addicted to interaction.

Also, I have initiated a couple of nice little email exchanges that are very gratifying to me. Email is another vice of mine - only sometimes I feel like I am foisting my emails on people because, well, I *do* go on and on, if encouraged...and sometimes even if not encouraged. I seem to have made at least one friend who loves to send and receive emails, and I am enjoying it a great deal. Silly, sweet, stupid, charming little exchanges several times a day. Yes. Oh yes. It's like a writer's wet dream! Here, you can have this! I wasn't using it anyway! And you are giving me something in return? How nice!

So, anyway, the origins of things. Last night, the conversation with Rachel twisted and turned and convoluted itself right back to the origins of this...thing...I have where I am constantly drawing a certain personality type into my life. Yes. I am familiar - Quite familiar - with my relationship patterns and where they originate. I am also pleased to note that I am recognizing myself in those patterns as I fall into the groove. Soon enough to stay detached from the outcome, and yet, somehow I've managed to not become jaded by my own idiocy.

It's nice. I feel whole. And I feel like I have something genuine to offer to a conversation, rather than glib speculation or advice I read in a book. I also feel fully present, and fully accepting of what is being offered to me in the moment. Knowing how my interactions with my family have effected me in the present, I also feel like I can participate in at least recognizing and acknowledging how those same patterns play out with my children.

Yesterday, I heard Monk talking to Coley in a harsh tone. I walked out, and they were both in tears. Coley had stepped on Monk's hand, and Monk was lecturing Coley about how he NEVER is careful. There was anger and hurt in their tone with each other. Practicing my newfound art of emotion coach, I told Monk that I was sorry that he was hurt, but that I wanted to see him talking to Coley about his feelings in the present, rather than using the words never or always with regard to Coley's behavior (of course, Monk...with a sly smile...tried to say "not ever" instead, but he quickly got that it was the same thing.) And then I asked him "I know you were hurt by Coley, but does it make you feel better to make Coley feel hurt, also?" I was pleased that his answer was no. But he had already carried his lecture to the point where Coley was feeling a bit enraged, so there was a moment where Coley had to compose himself. "Mom," said Monk..".I KNOW that look on his face! He's GOING to hit me!" Monk locked himself in the bathroom while Coley released some anger by yelling, not hitting. And I held Coley for awhile and it only took a moment - long enough for me to say "I know you will feel bad about yourself it you hit someone." and the rage turned to regret and sadness, and Coley was ready to make amends with Monk.

I don't know if I'm conveying it clearly here, because I'm running late for my thingy today, but it was actually a really monumental moment. The boys were both very clear about their feelings, and they both responded so well to being reasoned with, empathized with, and yet still held to a standard of expression that is acceptable. I was so proud of them, and of me.

So, all of this examining. All of this talking, and hashing out. All of my fucking up and trying again and fucking up again and trying again again...it's all got a point. The origins might be disordered and painful, but where it's leading is ordered, free, and totally healthy.

"While looking for the light, you may suddenly be devoured by darkness and find the True Light." - Jack Kerouac

Fictionalizing my life

March 30, 2006

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my friend Michael. I woke up just now, wondering how long it has been since I last wrote something about him, and I found this, which I wrote in July of 2003 when I was trying to write the novel which, for various reasons, might never come to be:

Fictionalizing my life

I've been listening to 80's music on the bus and not reading in order to put more thought into the novel, and the fictionalization of my life. I had some thoughts today that I wanted to put down.

First of all, as someone who has always been fairly adament about sticking to true stories, I find myself getting caught up on facts. I keep forgetting that I'm writing fiction here, and if I don't remember the exact timeline of events that laid themselves out for me, that's REALLY ok. The point is that I tell the story, and the story is already inside me. It is who I am. It has formed me more than I am forming it. I just need to put it to words. So I find myself having to remind myself that I don't need to remember if "curtis" actually said that certain thing at that particular time, or if "melvin's" locker was two to the right of or two to the left of "curtis's" it's really ok. I'm finding that I'm pretty anal about remembering things, and this is NOT helping. I'm assuming that as I let loose, the story will flow more naturally and I will forget all about this historical accuracy crap.

Also, writing drafts is new for me. Normally, I write whatever comes out and that's it. If I want to change something, I discard it and write it all over. I can't do this with an entire novel, so what I'm doing here is writing the framework and going back to add the details. Anyone who is reading this process is encouraged to comment on what they would like to have described in better detail, that would help me a lot...and hopefully it will make it more enjoyable for you.

Curtis, who will probably be the main character of the story (aside from myself) is actually a fictionalized conglomeration of at least three different boys/men I have known in my life. Two are living (and lost to me, although I would welcome them back into my life eagerly if I should find them) and one, the main force behind Curtis (which is both a reference to Ian Curtis from Joy Division and a waiter named Curtis who was important to us) is/was Michael Dosselman, who (some of you who read closely will know) shot himself in the head at the age of 19, shattering my rapidly diminishing innocence and thrusting me into the world of "adult" concerns. The novel is dedicated to Michael, because I love(d) him so much and never got a chance to say goodbye or hug him one last time. He will be forever missed, and I still cry about him frequently.

OK, but here's some interesting psychological stuff that came up in me today. For the longest time, I have puzzled over why these men have always been so important to me. And I think I have it figured out to some degree. Now that I have come to terms with my history of abuse, I realize that they all healed me. Unknowingly. They were 3 (or 4) men who loved me without expecting anything whatsoever in return from me. Particularly not sex. All of them shared my most intimate secrets and (some of them) even my bed with me WITHOUT EVEN ASKING FOR SEX. At the time, I just thought this was a given. I was very uncomfortable with the idea of sex, and was convinced that I would never "do that." Now I know why, but then I just thought it was yucky and complicated.

What these men/boys did was show me that I was completely and utterly lovable. That I was a whole and complete human being, regardless of the fact that they were not physically/sexually involved with me. I was so confused by their love for me (as will be made more clear as the story progresses) because all I knew of love was people enforcing power over me. I assumed that anyone who loved me would have this ulterior motive, and I was suspicious of someone declaring love for me without stating what else they wanted. Matt was the first to do this...then Michael, who was like the unabusive brother I never had...then Dave.

And D was also, to some extent, important in that regard. I suppose D was my first-ever boyfriend, although neither of us would ever admit that. The love story between D and me is amazing and beautiful and insane all at the same time. We lived together for 2 long years, slept in the same bed for one of them, and I don't even remember if we ever kissed. I think at that time, I was trying to assert control. It would be incredibly egotistical of me to say that D was driven insane by lust for me and that's what caused us to inevitably drive each other crazy and "break up" - but I'm wondering if I can admit that I was insane with lust for him, and at that point I was still too afraid of losing control to allow that kind of relationship to happen.

I know control was very important to me. It was the reason I never drank and never did drugs throughout my youth. It was probably why I never allowed myself to have sex, although I Bill Clintoned a bit on that topic, it was easy for me to deny that I was being sexual. It's obvious to me now that I had good reason to be scared. I had been molested.

I don't know what my life would have been like had it not been for "curtis." I know I still had a lot of work to do even up to and for years after Monk was born. Perhaps I still have more work to do...perhaps it's lifelong. But knowing that it was possible for me to be fully loved and respected and adored by men (not to mention hot-blooded teenage boys) without having to "put out" was most likely pivotal in my life. Had it not been for them, who knows how I would have found a way to regain balance and self-esteem in a life of chaos and invalidation.

So, thanks to those men/boys. May they live on forever in my heart and in my words.

***
I really needed to read that tonight. Thanks, me! For writing it!

Floodnado!

March 28, 2006

This morning, while watching the storm with Coley, there were nervous inquiries about tornadoes. I gave my standard parenting answer of "Usually tornadoes don't form while it's raining this hard." To which Coley responded...agape..."But what about a FLOODNADO?"

I have the coolest children. Ever.

Specific Desires

March 28, 2006

I just posted my ad on Craig's list, like, an hour ago.

Then I went into the other room and danced. And danced. And danced. For, like, an hour.

Then I came back in here, and I already have two responses.

My specific desire?

I want to play cards. Specifically, Spite and Malice.

I need to think of other things that I specifically desire that I'm not getting out of life right now. I'm thinking if I post an ad a week on Craig's list, I will have all of my bases covered.

The almighty church of chili

March 27, 2006

It's been a long time, ladies and gentlemen, since I last brewed up a big old fucking pot of chili. Too long. Way. Too. Fucking. Long.

So, today when it started looking all rainy and gloomy, I decided - YES! Chili!

Below the fold is my super top secret recipe for vegetarian chili, including an "I love the internet" preservative-free chili powder recipe.

Dru Blood's super top secret Chili Recipe
(this blog post will self-destruct in five seconds)

A couple few tablespoons of oil
2 onions
3-5 cloves of garlic
1-2 jalapeno peppers (optional)
2 large carrots
3-4 celery stalks
2-3 green bell peppers
Chili Powder (I love the internet!)
3-5 15-oz cans of beans (an assortment of your favorites. I use kidney beans and pinto beans) or the equivalent in rehydrated dried beans
2 28-oz cans whole, peeled tomatoes (I'm sure you can use the equivalent in fresh tomatoes...but gah! What a pain in the ass!)
2 28-oz cans diced tomatoes (see above)
about a cup or so of Textured Vegetable Protein
1 15-oz can of corn
1/4 cup (approx) of pure maple sugar (although brown sugar, turbinado, or sucanat might work, also)

***
Instructions

1. Turn on Castaways and Cutouts by the Decemberists, because chili is made for Grey, Rainy Days...and so are the Decemberists. Alternately, you can listen to anything by Joy Division.
2. Heat up the oil in a cast-iron skillet
3. Dice up yr onion, and throw it in the pan
4. mince up some of the garlic, and throw it in the pan
5. mince up the jalapeno, and throw IT in the pan
6. dice up the carrot...also, throw it in the pan.
7. You know what to do with the celery and green pepper. Do I really have to tell you? Dice 'em up...toss 'em in.
8. Yum! smell the aroma!
9. mix up your chili powder, pausing every once in awhile to stir around the delicious delciousness in the skillet.
10. toss a bunch of that chili powder onto your veggies. Probably about 2 tablespoonsful or more
11. Let it all get shmoogled together, and keep it cooking until everything is nice and soft
12. meanwhile, pour the undrained tomatoes into a large large pot
13. drain the beans, and put them in the pot, too
14. Throw the veggie mixture into the pot and stir stir stir.
15. Let it heat up a bit, and when it's nice and warm, throw in the TVP and instantly add a ton more chili powder (to taste. The tasting spoon is your friend!)
16. Get preoccupied dancing around the kitchen, and suddenly remember: The corn! The corn! Throw that in!
17. Let it simmer a bit, then add your maple syrup. The maple syrup helps bring down the acidity of the tomatoes and makes the whole thing a little smoky and mellow tasting.
18. Keep it simmering for as long as you can stand to without eating any. Remember your handy "tasting" spoon. Adjust the seasonings as necessary. Add some salt, too!
19. My kids love this stuff with macaroni...and topped with cheese. I imagine sour cream would be good on top, too...and perhaps some cilantro or something. Or even garnished with red pepper, if you want to get totally fancy with it!
20. Eat it up! Yum!

Guaranteed to chase your blues away, and that's the gospel truth!

How Homeschooling Works

March 27, 2006

I had the distinct pleasure last night of waiting in line for TWO FREAKING HOURS with two school teachers. They were both interested in how homeschooling works, as were the women I assembled for my cooperative.

It's been awhile since I've had to think about homeschooling. Right now, I'm regrouping a bit with Monk. I'm debating the whole idea of memorization - especially as it pertains to multiplication tables. Monk multiplies by adding, and he's pretty fast, but it's causing some trouble now that we are working on division. I feel like I need to put the brakes on math a bit until I can figure out a good way to really present division so that it makes sense to him. I feel like he's just getting by, and I want him to understand the concept fully. So, we're focusing on other things. Like Philosophy (we're reading The Tao of Pooh, after which I plan to read The House at Pooh Corner) and science and, as always, reading reading reading.

Today was a perfect homeschooling day. The kids played "their own version" of some board games we have, and then we went to the grocery store where, not only did they get some practice weighing items and comparing weights and units of measure, but they also initiated a ton of interesting conversations. It was raining, so Monk thought to ask about friction, especially as it pertains to cars. He pointed out that in the Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy there were frictionless cars, and we talked a little bit about what would happen if there was no friction in the world. Coley asked who invented the car. These are all such great questions, and when I came home, I found a number of websites geared towards answering them. I'm hoping we can get a chance to do some of the experiments on the sites that I found, in addition to reading about this stuff while I have their interest. It changes so quickly to other things.

I also discovered that Monk knows that things/people from Holland are Dutch ("because of the Pirate game, mom...see, computer games ARE educational") and that Buffalo Wings come from Buffalo. It's just funny that they pick these little things up. They seem like really small details, but they are significant to me. I guess it's just proof that I don't have to be the educator of all things. That they pick these things up in various places, without me telling them what is and is not important.

A total "Duh" parenting revelation

March 27, 2006

I tried something new in my interaction with Coley this morning. For one thing, I'm trying to set aside several little periods during the day where I have one-on-one time with each kid. This might sound stupid, but if I don't make a concerted effort to do this, I feel like I am constantly pushing them away during "me" time (or, since I do a significant amount of work from home "work" time) and then by the time I have time for them, we're all too frustrated with each other to do anything meaningful. So, what I'm trying to do now is alternate between my tasks and work, and time to play with the kiddos. It's working out really well.

Additionally, though, I have found that it helps to set reasonable limits on WHAT we do during playtime. Coley is always wanting me to engage in these imagination games with him...or "his version" of a board game. These things drive me insane when I am in work/task mode. I just can't let go of the scrolling to-do list in my brain. So, today...since we are so pressed for time, and I will probably never find the time to escape the task-based mindset, I told Coley that I just wasn't going to be able to play "his version" of a game. That I wanted to spend time with him, but it was going to have to be time playing a game that had set and simple rules. He was OK with this! We played Uncle Wiggily. He had his time with mama, I had time with Coley, and I wasn't having to squish my brain into a box that it couldn't deal with in the moment, so I was able to stay fully focused on the activity.

Ana Sisnet

March 27, 2006

The first time I met Ana Sisnet, she was holding court at the CTCnet conference here in Austin several years ago. A few people I work with introduced me to her, and I just thought she was way too cool for me. Imagine my surprise when, a year later, I volunteered to assist her in a blogging class and discovered that she knew about my blog, and considered herself a fan. I was so...honored.

Ana is one of the most talented, wise, kind and open-hearted people I have ever had the pleasure to meet. Versatile, too. Her artwork is phenomenal, her poetry is stunning, and she herself is absolutely amazing. I wish her and her family the best in her recovery.

Criteria I never considered prior to being a single parent

March 27, 2006

I just realized that my ears perk up at the prospect of dating a school teacher, because...well...criminal background checks.

I win, so you lose.

March 26, 2006

Well, the 30th Anniversary gig was a bust. We waited in line for 2 hours for food, and by the time we got to the front of the line, all they had left was salad. I hated to complain at a birthday party, but...d00d. It was the least single-parent friendly event I have been to in a long, long time. My kids were AMAZINGLY patient in line, and I guess I deserve some credit for not overreacting on the occasions when they were less than patient. And there was also this really nice man who helped entertain the kiddos for me by telling silly jokes and stuff. And we talked for the entire two hours we were in line. So, hmmm...maybe the line wasn't such a bad thing after all.

As an aside, somewhere along the line, I have become approachable somehow. Perhaps it's just because I normally go to events with a book and something else to occupy me - and so few people view me as approachable. But tonight I had random strangers talking to me all over the place. To some extent, I feel like I have opened myself up a bit over the past few weeks. I feel like I really allowed for more interaction at, er, the interactive festival, and it has really built on itself. But it's nice to stand in line alone and suddenly find myself engaged in a productive, friendly conversation with several strangers. I need to remember to leave my book behind more often! I made a couple of new friends who might actually end up going to the UU church - so I'm hoping I run into them again.

So, anyway, it was all redeemed in the end as coley totally devoured his plate of salad. Monk had already turned his nose up in disgust over the paltry selection and was playing on the playground. Coley, between voracious chomps, turned to me and said "Mama! Thank you so much for ALL of this FOOD! This is HEAVEN to me!" I melted. My little guy and his love for broccoli is just...so...delightful.

Plus, I got to talk with M for awhile while the kids played. M's son, P, is Coley's age, and they are getting ready to figure out how to do the homeschool thing. I forget that I'm the veteran homeschooler to certain friends of mine...but the thing is that I'm totally starting from scratch with Coley. He's a completely different kid from Monk. I'm really looking forward to working with M. I feel like we can form a nice, supportive cooperative together. She wants to teach drama. I could never do that on my own...so it's exciting to have someone else to pick up where I am weak. Plus, I've really come to enjoy my friendship with M over the years. There have been times when I have found it difficult to understand where she is coming from, but she is very wise and funny and kind...and I always have the most incredible, arm-waving, enthusiastic, idea-laden conversations with her. So, having an excuse to hang out with her more is definitely a good thing.

All in all, it was a pretty good weekend. Rachel was gone yesterday and today, and I don't know if it's because there were fewer people in the house, or what, but I reached a point today where I felt like I really could just sit and relax and have fun with the kiddos without worrying about cleaning or "getting things done." Monk and I played several bouts of Mario Kart (by the way, when I'm done with this entry, I'm going to go practice that shit so I can beat monk once and for all!)...Coley and I snuggled and read some _Runny Babbit_...and we all just kind of had a nice, mellow time.

I think I have failed to find a housemate, though. The kids aren't going for the woman with two dogs (one of which is a St. Bernard! A SAINT BERNARD! I freaking LOVE st. bernards!) and the guy I interviewed on Thursday appears to have found another place. So, it's back to square one. I'm starting to really enjoy the runaround...and it's not going to absolutely kill me to have to wait another couple of weeks or even month to find someone. At the beginning of the weekend, I had settled on the vegetarian chef...and she wasn't going to be able to move in until mid-may...but she found another place. Blah! Whatever! The perfect housemate will present him or herself. I just know it!

You know...there was lots of falling apart this week - and over the past month or so. I feel like I've had to work through a ton of shit as a result of several challenges I have faced. What's funny is how things come together in such a different way that is still so promising and wonderful. And that, even through the painful experiences - perhaps especially so - there is growth. Like green shoots up from scorched earth. Like friendships originating in long lines leading to puny portions of food.

Two by four

March 26, 2006

Two great things happened today. First, I had an awesome conversation with my mom in which, for the first time in several months, I didn't feel like she was trying to get rid of me. Second, I wrote an epic-length emai to my friend in conflict that I feel explained myself and my intentions as well as could possibly be explained, and I sent it out, and I exhaled for the first time in a long time with regard to that particular relationship. Whatever happens will happen. I have done my best to explain my intentions, and at this point the interpretation is up to the other person. My self-worth is not dependent on acceptance or rejection. And, when it comes right down to it, hope is not a horrible thing...as long as I'm not clinging to it to keep from falling over a ledge...and I am not.

Two great things happened this week. First, I had a really kick-ass conversation with a good friend, and was able to really verbalize some things about how I interact with people...and some root causes for the problems I experience in my interactions...that I don't think I've ever really uncovered or admitted to before. And I was pleased to receive the same from her. Also, I coordinated and gathered together a group of mamas and children to form a childcare cooperative that I think is going to be incredibly mutually beneficial to everyone. I just "winged it" ("wung it?") by posting an announcement on Craig's list, and ended up with people who really seem to have similar interests, goals, and ideals...not to mention schedules that complement each other marvelously. So, yay!

Two parenting successes have occurred this week. For one thing, I've really been able to put the emotional coach ideas I'm reading about in _Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles_ into practice. I've remained calm in moments when the children are acting emotional, and I have been able to guide their behavior gently and empathically. Also, I have made a concerted effort to create situations in which I can be fully present with the boys, and I have done a good job of it!

Two things are upcoming and I am looking forward to them. Tonight, there is Wheatsville's 30th Anniversary dinner at the UU church...and next Sunday is another lovely Roller Girls bout. Yay!

Drawing to a close.

March 25, 2006

Had a nice, mellow day with the kiddos yesterday. We basically hung out all day, listening to music, cleaning the house, dancing around like fools, snuggling, and playing occasional bouts of Mario Cart. At the end of the day, I popped in a movie and had a nice chat with a potential housemate over tea and pizza.

It occurs to me that a lot of things in my life are drawing to a close this month. Rachel leaves at the end of the month, and a housemate will be moving in. I'm not sure which candidate yet, but I have an idea...and the person I think I will be choosing will bring a number of changes, as well. Subtle changes, but changes I need to be prepared for.

In fact, a lot of the ground beneath me is shifting. It's unsettling, but there's still an element of optimism and "what happens next" that I love, once I move through the nausea of not knowing.

I sent an email to a friend last night that I absolutely hated to have to send. I've been waiting around, hoping this issue would resolve itself. Actually, hoping that the other person would work with me to resolve it. But the few times I have attempted to reach out in an attempt to work things out, I feel like I've been mistreated. In this email, I offered one more chance at working things out, but I have a feeling the offer will be ignored...or, worse, responded to with the same total lack of regard and understanding (replaced by pseudo-politeness and distance) that this person has adopted in his dealings with me.

One thing I know about myself that makes me sad is that I will allow myself to be mistreated. It's not a good thing. I find all sorts of ways to justify someone else's behavior towards me, meanwhile cutting all sorts of slack that is not reciprocated. And, the thing is, I had an idea I would get to this point with this friend. For various reasons that aren't really mine to explicate here, I was aware that this would be the potential outcome of our relationship, even down to the timing. I'm happy that I didn't allow my internal predictions of doom to effect what I gave to and received from this person. I believe that I have given exactly enough of an opportunity for this to be mended, and if this final offer is not accepted and acted upon, I truly can be done without feeling any regrets. Perhaps that is the upside of being a terminal slack cutter. Once I reach the end of my rope, and no slack is offered in return, there is no fucking question about letting go.

So, we will see. I'm feeling really brokenhearted, but it's not unbearable. It's the grieving that hope would not allow, and as I lose hope, more grief is allowed in, little by little, until I can say "I have grieved" and move forward. I now have room and time in my life for another good friend, and once I am done grieving, I can look forward to welcoming this presence into my life with the same unabated joy I felt over the departing friend. It's funny, I was talking to a friend of mine the other day who has a much more reserved attitude about love. I was totally unable to understand the concept of "deciding" whether or not to love someone. I truly do fall utterly and completely in love with everyone I meet. It's a wonderful wonderful thing, but it's also incredibly painful. I don't know that I would change it, but perhaps I need to learn to temper it a bit.

In the meantime, there are sick kiddos to care for, much love surrounding me, and lots of work to be done, as always. There is always that work that must be done. But it's the most fun work. The kind where I get messy and emotional and honest and lay myself out for myself to tend to...taking the lessons I have learned to apply them elsewhere. Always.

By Design
Rites of Spring

Time heals all wounds they say
But the self inflicted won't just fade away
And in these shifting tides of blame
why are you suprised to see your name? It's such a drag
Time got the best of you
Things you gave you say were taken
Explanation piled over excuse

And so the story goes
But by your own design
And if you look to me to find you
Then my eyes will pass right though

Believe me I had wished
We could have avoided this
Please dont ask me to explain
All the things that caused your pain
I only want you to realize
Passivity equals compliance
Let it slip right through your hands
Become the victims of other's demands

And so the story goes
But by your own design
And if you look to me to find you
Then my eyes will pass right though
Pass right through

Zany Musician Friends.

March 24, 2006

In order to inspire myself to do some major housecleaning today, I made a mix CD of random, upbeat tunes for myself. It just so happened that two of these tunes were created by two different musician friends of mine that I introduced to each other awhile back in hopes of them possibly working together. The songs came on one right after the other, and I laughed out loud because I realized, even though the two musician friends got along pretty well, both of them had confided in me "Don't tell [other musician friend] this, but I really don't like his music all that much."

Thankfully, since I am not an uber-competitive music dude, I can stand on the periphery and enjoy it all!

HA!

Friday Random Ten - Version This is the Week I Find my Housemate.

March 24, 2006

You know the drill. Fire up the music player of your choice, put it on shuffle (as if there's any OTHER way to listen to music!) and list the first ten you hear. Pray that nothing dorky comes up.

• The Pogues - Hell's Ditch
• Electric Light Orchestra - Telephone Line
• Cypress Hill - Insane in the Membrane
• The Pogues - The Band Played Waltzing Matilda
• Stiff Little Fingers - Roaring Boys
• The Velvet Underground - I'll Be Your Mirror
• Wutang Clan - Uzi
• Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - There is a Town
• The Velvet Underground - Guess I'm Falling In Love
• Phil Rosenthal - Goodnight, Irene

Bonus Tracks:

• Sugarcubes - Motorcrash
  
• Portishead - Undenied
  
• Gilberto Gil & Jorge Ben - Filhos de Gandhi
  
• Buzzcocks - Why can't I touch it?
  

Friday Blogroll roundup

March 24, 2006

Here are some of this week's standout posts from around the blogosphere:

Michelle continues her hilarious coverage of The L Word:

This show has gotten so bad even my dearest darling B is frustrated. B, my love, who adored Queer as Folk for all five seasons. If she turns against a gay show you know we're scraping the bottom of the barrel content wise. If you're asking yourself why I'm so hard on The L Word I'll just say "visions of a dead woman in a waterfall." And if you ask my why I bother watching it if it's so bad then I'll just say shut the hell up because I don't have a good answer. It's like a train wreck I can't look away from. Onward.

Hey...what's wrong with Queer As Folk?

***

I like "I'm not married" better, too. It's no one's business if I'm divorced.

Also, I like the bear.

***

Redneck mother swears off of swearing off of swearing.

***

Belledame likes pussy! Pass it on! And I can't remember if I linked to this awesome post last week, but even if I did, and even if you read it...it bears repeating, and rereading.

Hahah! get it? bears.

Er...I think I need more coffee.

***

Anna hips me to Pomegranate Tea. POMEGRANATE! TEA! I'm all over that shit!

***

Dawn has switched to Drupal.

***

That's it for now...I have to go play war with Coley.

Happy Blog-o-versary to the Badge

March 24, 2006

Badgerings: 27.1.3.22

All doubts and inadequacies aside, over the past year, blogging has made me part of a community that I cherish. While both dissertating and grieving are incredibly isolating experiences, the blog has helped me feel less alone in both endeavors. The support that the readers of Badgerings have given me has helped keep me afloat – emotionally and intellectually and financially.

I love your spirit, your honesty, your humor, and your humanity. Thank YOU for your courage, and for sharing your experiences.

I think I'll even have 6 year old Elsa make some calls today.

March 24, 2006

(click to make it bigger)

[image via Jhames and Redheaddread]

Just...I love twisty is all.

March 23, 2006

Hot Mama at I Blame The Patriarchy

The thing is, in a world where women are the sex class (by which I mean Planet Earth), even morphing mamas are expected to display themselves according to male standards of fuckability as defined by pornography, and those who fall short are subject not only to public censure and ridicule and fat jokes, but to the ultimate horror: not being hot enough for Husband.

Whether MIM and Husband find eternal bliss in their personal oasis of mutual hotness—and really, if it makes them happy, �buena suerte!—is of little consequence to this patriarchy-blamer; it is the larger stupidity of the sexist beauty mandate illustrated by this pair that smegs me off. Check out this agonizing post at a blog called The Homesick Home, wherein author L. has put on a few pounds and now endures her husband’s silent disdain.

She's so freaking dreamy!

Distant Shore

March 23, 2006

My late night walk was prematurely aborted by a battery outage in my old fashioned walkman. I was all loaded up with Dirty Three tunes and, damn the rain and the cold, I was going to take a walk.

However, halfway through the park, my newly-charged batteries died. And I said to the dog. To the deaf dog, no less. I said "No way am I going to go on this walk now. It's too wet, and it's not...musicy enough."

So we came home, and now I'm listening to Dirty three on the computer. I'll probably go to sleep to Dirty Three. I think I need to find a nice person to lay and cuddle with on a cold rainy night, listening to Dirty Three.

I had an essay written about all of the nice boys I have cuddled with in my lifetime. Boys who didn't question why there was only cuddling and no sex. At the time, I don't know if I could have explained if they did question. I know why now, though. I know that I spent most of my teen years trying to find a way to feel safe with boys. It was a totally healthy thing for me to do, and I'm thankful...so thankful for the wisdom of the teenage me for finding nice boys to cuddle with. Nice boys who didn't demand sex or even ask for it. Nice boys who didn't question my honesty or my sincerity. I didn't publish that essay because I ended up talking about some things...some reasons for why I'm feeling a need to find that non-sexual safety again...and I'm just not ready to talk about them. But I acknowledge them, and I guess I'm the only one who matters. Finding men to cuddle with presents way more of a challenge than finding boys to cuddle with ever did. There's a perfect balance of attraction and non-attraction required. And a lot of trust. And the ability to communicate. And I'm finding those things to be quite rare.

Rachel and I had a nice conversation tonight about relationships and disconnection and feeling out of place and how much things change and how difficult it is to find a community and being a freak. I'm growing more and more frustrated with the concept of pair bonding and how isolating it is. Standing on the outside of it, I experience the frustration in a different way. Like I want to have a megaphone up against the window that separates me from my pair-bonded friends and shout "This is ALL WRONG! You are TOTALLY MISSING OUT!" At the very least, I don't ever want to get into another relationship unless I am certain that I can remain open to everyone else. Beyond the surface. Open to the entire depth and breadth of knowing people - even if there are just a few people on earth remaining who are able to BE open. Even if, in the end, it really fucking hurts to have laid myself open like that.

The funny thing is that I'm all for sexual monogamy, but I think I had it right when I was a teenager and shunned sex altogether. Sex is great, but until we can figure out how to have sex with each other without cordoning ourselves off into these tiny little isolated islands of emotional intimacy, we are basically all fucked. Hahaha. Pardon the pun.

I've been perusing Craig's List lately. I'm seriously considering placing a personal ad looking for someone who will come and play cards with me, or board games, or watch movies after the kids go to bed once or twice a week. Something mellow. Something totally platonic. Something that is very clearly defined. I'm seeking safety. For now, I have Rachel here, and can enjoy being diverted from my late night walk to talk about stuff, but soon she will be gone and this house will be yawning and empty - until I find a housemate.

Perhaps that's a good thing. My recent attempt at healing a huge wound through non-sexual intimacy with someone who I felt totally safe with, someone who I thought met that "perfect balance" criteria, has failed miserably - to the point where now I have to heal from the attempt at healing. You know? How much do I really want to compound this?

I want to hear the song "Hope" because it describes how I feel. Certainly, at some point, humanity will find the answer. At some point, I will find the answer. I won't be always standing at the window. I won't be always unceremoniously crashing through. I will find that safe place. That safe person. Those safe people. That balance. And I will lay a foundation and rebuild.

Again.

"If you assume there is no hope, you guarantee there will be no hope." -Noam Chomsky

[I made some random edits to this post the morning after I wrote it. It just needed to be fleshed out a bit.]

Time Jesum Transeuntum Et Non Rivertentum
Artist: Nick Cave and the Dirty Three

We were called to the forest... when we went down.
A wind blew warm and eloquent
We were searching for the secrets of the universe...
And we rounded up demons and forced them to tell us what it all meant
We tied 'em to trees and broke them down one by one
And on a scrap of paper, they wrote these words...
And as we read them, the sun broke through the trees...
"Dread the passage of Jesus, for he will not return."
Then we headed back to our world and left the forest behind...
Our hearts singin' with all the knowledge of love.
Then somewhere, somehow, we lost the message along the way...
And when we got home, we bought ourselves a house.
And we bought a car that we did not use...
And we bought a cage and two singing birds...
And at night we'd sit and listen to the canary's song.
For we'd both run right out of words...
Now the stars, they are all angled wrong...
And the sun and the moon refuse to burn
But I remember a message in a demon's hand
Dread the passage of Jesus for he does not return...
...he does not return...
...he does not return...

Fairy Land

March 22, 2006

My kids are spending the night at a friend's house. I call this place Fairy Land, because it's a magical place where everyone gets along swimmingly and it seems like there are never any arguments or conflicts. Perhaps it would be more accurate to call it Bizarro World.

At any rate, I just called to check in with them, and S, who is 12, answered the phone. She said she and Coley (who is FIVE, mind you...and in almost every other childcare situation that involves older kids, he is viewed as the pesky tag-along baby brother) were teaming up to defeat the evil empire of Monk and R. She asked if anyone wanted to talk to me, and the answer was...well, it really sounded like they were too busy having fun to hear the question, but basically - no. They didn't want to talk to me.

S seemed like she wanted to apologize for their lack of interest in me. "We're in the middle of drawing up a truce," she offered.

"It's really OK," I said. "It sounds like you all are having a lot of fun."

And I'm happy for that. Thank maude for fairy land, and for sleepovers, and for play wars...and for truces.

blog-o-versary

March 22, 2006

Tish mentioned her blog-o-versary, and I realized that I neglected to celebrate mine. I started blogging at blogspot on March 4, 2002. FOUR YEARS AGO. Damn. The blog is almost as old as Coley.

I guess whenever I get my shit together, Adam is going to help me integrate all of my posts from that blog and the old surreally blog into this one blog. I will finally be reunited with myself. Yay!

Consumer reports deems C-Section, Episiotomy, Hysterectomy, Circumcision needless

March 22, 2006

It's an old article, but it's incredibly interesting.

Also, wisdom tooth extraction!

[link via yomamasays]

Sandalistas! Ha!

March 22, 2006

Visitors Seek a Taste of Revolution in Venezuela

It's Blog Against the Strawfeminist Week

March 22, 2006

Ilyka is breaking it down for those who need the breakdown.

[link via feministe]

I'll try not to draw analagous conclusions here.

March 22, 2006

BBC NEWS | Science/Nature | Sinister secret of snail's escape

Presumably if left-handed marine snails became more common, crabs would eventually evolve apparatus or techniques for eating them, and their advantage would disappear.

But that cannot explain why in some populations they persist only in extremely low proportions, about 1%, or why in others they have gone extinct; other factors must be at play.

Sinistral snails apparently find it much harder to find a mate, and so may be doomed to remain rare or die out completely, whether or not they evade can-opening crabs.

Although I have to say that the headline writer at the BBC News is totally high. There's nothing SINISTER about the secret. Unless you consider lefties to be SINISTER. What is going ON there in the jolly old?

My Kids. Sigh. Part Two.

March 21, 2006

I just walked into the kitchen, and both kids were sitting at the kitchen table looking all puffed up, but silent.

"What the heck is going on in here?" I nervously query.

Monk exhales explosively, "We're having a competition to see who can hold their breath the longest...and COLE is CHEATING. You're BREATHING, Cole! YOU ARE BREATHING! MOOOOOM! Cole's CHEATING!"

"Um, guys..." I offer, "I think if you are going to have a competition to see who can hold their breath the longest, I kind of WANT you to be cheating."

My kids. Sigh.

March 21, 2006

Coley just tugged my arm so hard I fell OUT of my chair. I was like "dude! What the heck was that for."

He said "I'm practicing my new martial art I invented. It's called EIGHT kwan do."

hahahahahahahahaha

ETA - after a bit of research, I am here to report that evidently EIGHT kwan do is more about the screeching than the actual combatting. Also, lots of tugging. And some tickling, too.

I wrote you this letter because the clothes were hung on the line...

March 21, 2006

It's a perfect spring day. Fuck. Just, fuck.

Coley and I took a walk - me on foot, him on scooter - to deliver some letters and pictures he made for his friend Paulo. The scooter has a little net/holdery thing on it, so he has this idea that he wants to be the neighborhood letter carrier. At first, he wanted to write letters to all of our neighbors. The letters said things like "I don't know you, but I'm sure I will love you when I meet you" and while I LOVE the sentiment, the truth is that I just don't know my neighbors well enough to feel comfortable delivering such sentiments to them and attaching our address to them (yes. I'm one of these people who doesn't know her neighbors. I blame it on the fact that I work nights, but that's probably a lame excuse). So, instead he wrote a love note for P, who lives in the neighborhood though he is not an immediate neighbor. On the way, I told Coley that if he wanted to make things for our neighbors, I'd be happy to help him produce a little comic book that he could deliver door to door...and that art is one way to give yourself to people without that discomfort that accompanies oversharing.

At least that's what I like to tell myself. Hahahaha. This blog is, um, ART...right?

So, anyway, Coley's getting really good on the scooter & after we got home and the kids had some time to play we decided it was time to start our first spring gardening project, which was to plant elephant ears on Bailey's grave. I got all ready and got in the car to go and then I realized that it was already the second day of spring and I hadn't yet listened to Key Lime Pie by Camper Van Beethoven. And Key Lime Pie is an absolute springtime tradition with me. It's such a lovely LP. Just perfect for the weather and the mood that accompanies those first days of spring. And I'm thankful that spring has arrived cool and breezy and gentle here in Austin, because I can pretend like I'm in Chicago and it's that first day that the sun bursts forth through the clouds (and, in fact, compared to yesterday it kind of is!) and you realize how fucking depressed you have been all winter. Key Lime Pie is the perfect thing to listen to as you are ascending from darkness into the light of spring - light and airy, but not overly sentimental. You don't want to come out too quickly, after all. You might get the bends!

So, anyway, first, we headed over to Wheatsville to post our room for rent sign there (that's where I found my last housemate, and he was definitely a good one) and then we went to the nursery and picked up three different colors of elephant ear plus some seeds that the kids were interested in. I think I am going to build an herb spiral this year as my next project. I have to do something with all of these cinder blocks that I lined the bottom of the fence with in the days of the escape artist dog. The kids chose peas and beans and sunflowers and chives and tomatoes and...watermelon...and...I can't remember what else. It's a lot to plant, and we can cross our fingers that I'm actually successful this year, although I think Coley is significantly more motivated to help than ever before, so my excuses on that front are wearing thin.

When we got home, I hauled a bunch of cinder blocks over to Bailey's grave and made a cinder block circle around it, which I filled with soil and plopped in the three plants. I think it's going to be lovely as they grow and (I hope) propogate. It's a nice little shady spot. I told Monk that when he feels up for it, I will put a little bench out there so he can use it as his quiet reflection area. And maybe we can plant more shady plants there, too...or even a little pond or something. Something nice to remember her by. Coley says we should plant "beagle noses" along with the Elephant Ears, but fuck if I know where I can get a plant that might possibly be referred to as a beagle nose, and fuck if I even can imagine WANTING to plant something like that in the ground!

So, anyway, the planting is done and the kids are occupied with some game they invented involving sharpened sticks and running back and forth from the back yard to the front yard. I am enjoying my last few hours of freedom from work and feeling bittersweet things about love and friendship and spring means renewal, right? So there's hope there somewhere. But it's the kind of hope that is infused with sorrow. And there is nothing in this world more bitter than spring.

June
by Camper Van Beethoven

Are you weary of the lengthening days?
Do you secretly wish for November's rain?
And the harvest moon top reign in the sky (now that it's June)
There is nothing in this world more bitter than Spring
Now I wrote you this letter
Because the clothes were hung on the line
And the crows flew out of the field
And up into the sky
I'm lying here in the station
Stretching out on the tracks
For all the possible places that I might arrive
There is nothing in this world more bitter than love
In all those long days of June
Bring me the long, brown grass now that it's dry
There is nothing in this world more bitter than Spring

[oh, fuck it! Read the lyrics to whole album! It's one of my very most favorites in the whole world, ever.]

3 day old Chaos Collards

March 21, 2006

Wow. Even better than the original recipe is letting them sit in the fridge and mingle a bit, add some vegetarian sausage, fry it up again (enough so that some of the noodles get a little brownish and crispity) add some red pepper and, YUM! ALICIOUS!

Eat to the sound of Eastern Dub Tactic while surfing the internet, looking for good news.

(P.S. There is none, but it won't matter, because your mouth will be pleasanty aflame with delightful flavors!)

A more reasoned response than I could give

March 21, 2006

Not that this is worthy of reason, but ECHIDNE manages to actually use, like, words and stuff:

I don't know why I bother. Someone seriously arguing that "marginal productivity of CEOs" justifies their humongously enormous pay packets... The marginal productivity refers to the first derivative of the production function with respect to an infinitesimally small change in the labor input of the CEO, holding all other inputs constant. How does Snow measure this concept in practice? And does he really believe his own twaddle? Never mind the lack of empathy that it reveals; it also reveals someone who fell in love with Microeconomics 101 and never grew up.

Whereas I just flipped off my radio and taught my kids a few new cuss words.

For those unwilling or unable to listen to the report, basically our new Treasury Secretary (who, by the way, has a name that just INVITES you to make references to his bullshitting.) is talking about how the market rewards Hard Work, and that is why there is such a huge gap between laborers and CEO's. He did manage to throw in a "not that I think it's fair or anything" for good measure...but whether it's fair or not doesn't really matter, as long as we trust in the almighty market. All hail the all-knowing market!

Fuckwad.

This is, by the way, absolutely an example of what I referred to earlier, about idiot specialists drawing stupid conclusions without the benefit of other disciplines or experiences to mitigate their idiocy.

So, it's not just the US of A...

March 21, 2006

Go read this article, and then answer me this...WTF?

The article basically presents a study that links cancer to pesticide exposure, and then some dude says "Well, that's nothing to be concerned about - because I said so." So the article is titled "Doubt over Pesticide Cancer Link" and begins with this quote:

Experts have said people should not be alarmed by research claiming a link between pesticides in food and cancer.

But I see no evidence of studies that refute the actual study that says we should actually very much be alarmed! I really thought this kind of media manipulation was unique to the United States. Boy, was I ever wrong! Go UK! Get on that circular logic train!

Slowing Decline requires cross-discipline convergence

March 21, 2006

This article points out something that came up during a lecture I attended recently. The speaker, a marine ecologist, concluded his grim forecast by basically saying that academia is too focused and specialized, and that we aren't going to solve any of these problems until all of the areas of specialization work together. For instance, economists need to learn to take the biological impact of fiscal policies into account.

It's something I, as a reg'lar old uneducated joe never really took into account, but it's so true. I recently had an experience with a data nerd that I know where someone pointed out the practical applications of his data with regard to the education system. He was astonished. He didn't realize that all that data he loves so much actually had a real-world application.

You see what I'm saying? And maybe this ties in, also, with the whole Wisdom of Crowds theory. Those of us who are less specialized can be here on the ground, pulling the data geeks, the intellectual snobs, and the pie-in-the-skyers back down to the here and now. Of course, that requires that we finally gain the capacity to start actually, you know, working together rather than in fragmented social groups based on arbitrary characteristics.

So much evolving to do...so little time!

Mr. Danger!

March 21, 2006

Chavez Blasts Bush as "Donkey" and "Drunkard"

CARACAS, Venezuela - Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez on Sunday lobbed a litany of insults at U.S. President George W. Bush ranging from "donkey" to "drunkard" in response to a White House report branding the left-wing leader a demagogue.

Chavez is one of Bush's fiercest critics and has repeatedly accused the U.S. government of seeking to oust him from the presidency of Venezuela, the world's No. 5 oil exporter and a supplier of around 15 percent of U.S. crude imports.

"You are a donkey, Mr. Bush," said Chavez, speaking in English on his weekly Sunday broadcast.

"You're an alcoholic Mr. Danger, or rather, you're a drunkard," Chavez said, referring to Bush by a nickname he frequently uses to describe the U.S. president.

In my post-DMBQ mindset, this kind of makes me laugh. It's like Chavez is doing politics the way he interprets the U.S. does politics, only totally exaggerated. You know? Like this is the political equivalent of smashing your drum set with a rock.

Really, really cool!

March 20, 2006

[link via uffish]

A confession.

March 20, 2006

First, a disclaimer. I love my friends, and I have really enjoyed the company of all of the people who have lived here/stayed here temporarily over the past five months. I wouldn't trade the experience for anything, and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

But to put this all in perspective...Last week...my houseguest had...a HOUSEGUEST*.

Things are becoming way too meta here.

I am totally ready for a few weeks of having this house all to myself before I move someone in here permanently. There's no room in my fridge, the house is a mess (which is mostly my fault, but if it was just me living here, I wouldn't feel guilty about it) and I want to be able to cook some food for my children without worrying that more hungry children might wander in and want what they are having.

So, I'm wondering...would anyone give to the "give dru blood a two-week vacation from houseguests and housemates" fund? I figure if I could raise $200 I could spend a peaceful two weeks at the beginning of April and not have to rush to fill the vacancy. Anyone? Any takers at all?

*I need to add that I was totally cool with the houseguest having a houseguest thing, but I also think it's too fucking funny to NOT make a big deal about it.

Happy Spring!

March 20, 2006

As I wait for my children to arrive, I'm trying to think about ways that we will celebrate this day of balance. It seems like fun balancing games would be in order. Perhaps building a house of cards or playing Jenga or building tall buildings with blocks.

Monk got a skateboard and Coley got a scooter. I need my children to have wheels, and they are totally unwilling to learn how to ride bicycles. This bothers me. I feel like children should have bicycles. Free children, especially.

In the midst of typing this, the sun suddenly burst out. The mourning doves are doing their thing. The kids are here and I have read to them and we are in the middle of our morning routine, only slightly disrupted due to the fact that it's a holiday for us. I need to read the news and drink this coffee, then take a shower and do my morning writing. Then the kids and I are off to our appointments and errands for the day. We're making Macaroni and Cheese soup (slightly modified from this recipe) together, and if it's windy, we might try to fly kites in the school yard.

I'm coming down off of an amazing week. It's good to have the kids with me again. It's good to have all that I have.

Here are some things I accomplished last week:

• I totally met the coolest people on the face of the planet. My list of "people I met at sxsw" isn't as long as some, but it's certainly a nice list, and I'm sure I met the nicest people of all.
• I saw some great bands play and expanded my musical horizons a bit. For instance...HEAVY FUCKING METAL, DOOD! hahahahaha. I totally GET metal now. It's just that it needs to be sung in a foreign language so I don't have to know what they are talking about. Plus, I also totally get bellbottoms now. Especially when they are worn by short, skinny-assed, stick-legged guys. With humongous shoes. It makes sense! Totally!
• I laid out my tattoo design idea to Allyson, and I think she's going to draw it up for me. I am so psyched about this, I can hardly stand it.
• I did absolutely nothing all week that I did not completely and utterly enjoy the heck out of. Seriously. I spent an entire week doing ONLY. FUN. THINGS.

Things I did not accomplish:

• Just about every practical item on my to-do list - although I did manage to clean my room and clean up some things in the living room. And Rachel cleaned up and mopped for me.
  
• Finding a housemate. But I did have some nice interactions with ex-potential housemates. And, although I REALLY need to start getting some rent money for that spare room, I wouldn't mind terribly if someone moved in MID-April instead of April 1st. I'm still looking. Hey! If there's anyone out there in the Austin area who is or who knows someone who is looking for a really cool place to live - let me know! We're a non-smoking, vegetarian household. Pets are welcome. The room is beautiful and private, and the rent is reasonable.
  
• I didn't accomplish a whole lot of reading, but what I did read was enlightening.
  

I'm sure there is more, but I have to get a move on here. The kids are restless and I am almost done with my coffee!

DMBQ photos

March 19, 2006

I just did a search to see if I could find photos that adequately captured the spirit of my dmbq experience, and this set is the best by far.

There are some non-show photos and a great sound clip here, in addition to the story of the tragic death of their last drummer.

They are so cool! I can't even believe I am enjoying something so heavy and metallic!

I still haven't found any photos that capture the spirit of Afrirampo. You will just have to see them live to find out! Tracy says he found an audio recording of one of their live shows, but I haven't looked for that yet. I imagine that would give you some idea, though.

Blogging about blogging

March 19, 2006

Dawn raise