Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: Fictionalizing my life

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Fictionalizing my life

March 30, 2006

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my friend Michael. I woke up just now, wondering how long it has been since I last wrote something about him, and I found this, which I wrote in July of 2003 when I was trying to write the novel which, for various reasons, might never come to be:

Fictionalizing my life

I've been listening to 80's music on the bus and not reading in order to put more thought into the novel, and the fictionalization of my life. I had some thoughts today that I wanted to put down.

First of all, as someone who has always been fairly adament about sticking to true stories, I find myself getting caught up on facts. I keep forgetting that I'm writing fiction here, and if I don't remember the exact timeline of events that laid themselves out for me, that's REALLY ok. The point is that I tell the story, and the story is already inside me. It is who I am. It has formed me more than I am forming it. I just need to put it to words. So I find myself having to remind myself that I don't need to remember if "curtis" actually said that certain thing at that particular time, or if "melvin's" locker was two to the right of or two to the left of "curtis's" it's really ok. I'm finding that I'm pretty anal about remembering things, and this is NOT helping. I'm assuming that as I let loose, the story will flow more naturally and I will forget all about this historical accuracy crap.

Also, writing drafts is new for me. Normally, I write whatever comes out and that's it. If I want to change something, I discard it and write it all over. I can't do this with an entire novel, so what I'm doing here is writing the framework and going back to add the details. Anyone who is reading this process is encouraged to comment on what they would like to have described in better detail, that would help me a lot...and hopefully it will make it more enjoyable for you.

Curtis, who will probably be the main character of the story (aside from myself) is actually a fictionalized conglomeration of at least three different boys/men I have known in my life. Two are living (and lost to me, although I would welcome them back into my life eagerly if I should find them) and one, the main force behind Curtis (which is both a reference to Ian Curtis from Joy Division and a waiter named Curtis who was important to us) is/was Michael Dosselman, who (some of you who read closely will know) shot himself in the head at the age of 19, shattering my rapidly diminishing innocence and thrusting me into the world of "adult" concerns. The novel is dedicated to Michael, because I love(d) him so much and never got a chance to say goodbye or hug him one last time. He will be forever missed, and I still cry about him frequently.

OK, but here's some interesting psychological stuff that came up in me today. For the longest time, I have puzzled over why these men have always been so important to me. And I think I have it figured out to some degree. Now that I have come to terms with my history of abuse, I realize that they all healed me. Unknowingly. They were 3 (or 4) men who loved me without expecting anything whatsoever in return from me. Particularly not sex. All of them shared my most intimate secrets and (some of them) even my bed with me WITHOUT EVEN ASKING FOR SEX. At the time, I just thought this was a given. I was very uncomfortable with the idea of sex, and was convinced that I would never "do that." Now I know why, but then I just thought it was yucky and complicated.

What these men/boys did was show me that I was completely and utterly lovable. That I was a whole and complete human being, regardless of the fact that they were not physically/sexually involved with me. I was so confused by their love for me (as will be made more clear as the story progresses) because all I knew of love was people enforcing power over me. I assumed that anyone who loved me would have this ulterior motive, and I was suspicious of someone declaring love for me without stating what else they wanted. Matt was the first to do this...then Michael, who was like the unabusive brother I never had...then Dave.

And D was also, to some extent, important in that regard. I suppose D was my first-ever boyfriend, although neither of us would ever admit that. The love story between D and me is amazing and beautiful and insane all at the same time. We lived together for 2 long years, slept in the same bed for one of them, and I don't even remember if we ever kissed. I think at that time, I was trying to assert control. It would be incredibly egotistical of me to say that D was driven insane by lust for me and that's what caused us to inevitably drive each other crazy and "break up" - but I'm wondering if I can admit that I was insane with lust for him, and at that point I was still too afraid of losing control to allow that kind of relationship to happen.

I know control was very important to me. It was the reason I never drank and never did drugs throughout my youth. It was probably why I never allowed myself to have sex, although I Bill Clintoned a bit on that topic, it was easy for me to deny that I was being sexual. It's obvious to me now that I had good reason to be scared. I had been molested.

I don't know what my life would have been like had it not been for "curtis." I know I still had a lot of work to do even up to and for years after Monk was born. Perhaps I still have more work to do...perhaps it's lifelong. But knowing that it was possible for me to be fully loved and respected and adored by men (not to mention hot-blooded teenage boys) without having to "put out" was most likely pivotal in my life. Had it not been for them, who knows how I would have found a way to regain balance and self-esteem in a life of chaos and invalidation.

So, thanks to those men/boys. May they live on forever in my heart and in my words.

***
I really needed to read that tonight. Thanks, me! For writing it!

Posted at March 30, 2006 2:17 AM

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