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« Another book I need to read | Main | Cole's first novel »

There is no reason for you to hide.

April 8, 2006

The Dirty Three were again my walking companions last night as, after a day of deep thought and an evening of solitude in public spaces, I set about trying to process all of the thoughts that kept popping up throughout it all.

Seeing that myspace page of an ex-boyfriend and that quote by Tish about how we are all just doing the best we can and all of the other external but equally juxtapositional ideas and input I had been receiving all day was making me wonder about where I am, where I want to be, and, I guess, ultimately what is safe for me in terms of rectifying some of the current disharmony in my life.

What got to me about the ex's interpretation of our relationship was not that he felt angry and depressed about the relationship as it was happening. It was a pretty depressing relationship! But that in the ensuing years...all 15 or so of them...he did not once stop to think that perhaps there was something external to him that was driving that depression. And what's ultimately important about that is how it corresponds with the way *I* am living my life now that might be equally blindered and unforgiving of those who have injured me in the past - those who I perhaps feel a legitimate resentment or anger for...and whether or not I need to let go of those feelings.

And that's where we come up against the issue of safety. Because I can honestly analyze my relationship with that particular ex, and I see no reason why it would have been unsafe for him to approach me and attempt to deconstruct that relationship at any time. I had no power over him. I might have been an insane, workaholic, jealous, dissatisfied person, but I wasn't abusive. He was free to leave at any time - we had no ties to bind us together, and in deconstructing things - we have no current ties.

But, really, this has nothing to do whatsoever with that relationship. That person is clearly not interested in approaching the past with an attitude of forgiveness in the interest of self-improvement. In the present, however, I have at least one relationship that hangs in this strange limbo of discommunication. It's an important relationship. Perhaps the most important relationship in my life thus far. And in thinking about grudges and resentment and the power of forgiveness and the concept of "doing the best we can" I couldn't help but think about that relationship. Is it safe for me to untie that box again? What kinds of things might pop out of I do so? And what will remain contained?

I think the thing is that in order to mend those rifts, there needs to be absolute honesty. And how is honesty achieved when there is so much pain and suspicion? Am I capable of it? Is the other person? And, if so, am I capable of trusting the other person to BE honest...or will I just assume it is more of the same power/abuse dynamic that has ruled our relationship for many, many years now - even in silence.

This would be easy to drop if it weren't for other people who are waiting for this to be resolved. People for whom resolution would mean a lot more harmony and happiness in their lives. People for whom I want to set an example of forgiveness and love, but also for whom I do not want to set an example of two people yet again mistreating each other. And it's again...I run up against the issue of safety for myself, as well as for these other people.

So, I'm still thinking about it all. It's like my brain and soul are trying desperately to find the puzzle pieces that will make the picture clearer, and I'm having no success, so I'm staring hard at the picture, missing pieces and all, and trying to figure out what it all means. I don't have the answer. I don't have any of the answers. And yet, somehow...I know I have all of the answers.

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