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« Spread Your Wings | Main | Good Woman »
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Ways I Hate You!
May 28, 2006
There is something satisfying about waking up feeling angsty and listening to punk rock...especially hyperbolically angry punk rock.
I can't find one of my private journals and it is pissing me off and freaking me out. I am sure it is around somewhere, but not absolutely sure. My private journals are, like, the place where I dump all of my thoughts in the moment and not look back. I don't even know what I wrote in this particular journal, but the idea of anyone reading it without context freaks me right out. They are not meant for public consumption. At all. So there's that, and there's teh fact that the journal contained, like, thoughts from the past 4-6 months or so of my life, and I really need to get it back.
I remember one time I left a private journal on a bench somewhere and when I realized I had left it, I went back in a panic and there were a bunch of people reading it. I was embarrassed enough to consider not even saying anything - I mean, how would they know it was me? But we are talking about my JOURNAL here...so I got it back. blah.
And then there was the time my ex read my journal and it sparked his final descent into depravity with regard to our relationship. I had written very frankly (in my PRIVATE journal) about some feelings I was having about our relationship, sex, being touched, etc. It was a very bad time in my life, and I had a lot of pain that I needed to let go of. My journal was always my escape. They were hurtful words, but they were words that were never meant to be read by anyone other than me. Really, it was just a lot of stuff I needed to work through and get over, and an exploration, using words, of all of my options. After he found it (and broke up with me as a result) I had a difficult time writing anything in my journals. I have only just now begun to recover the ability to not self-censor when I write.
I am hoping I find that fucking journal. Damnit.
In other news, I have spent the past day and a half in hiding from the world. I have an inkling that I am going to make a break for it today...and maybe go swimming or something. I'm still not really feeling like being around people. Maybe one or two people. Blah. I miss my boys. I am going to take a vacation upon their return and spent the whole time hugging them. The little twerps.
You know, it's actually not so bad in here without A/C. I have a fan by my bed and on the couch, and I just flop in one place or another and take a lot of showers. Cooking is gross, but it is perfect for enforcing laziness which, you know, every once in awhile needs to be enforced.
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