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« A good explanation of the solstice & seasons | Main | Nick Cave »
Single. Mother.
June 21, 2006
It has been a mellow day. I have taken the night off today to be with my kiddos for the longest night, and I am taking the night off tomorrow to be by myself and perhaps a nice boy for another solsticey celebration. Maybe.
It occurs to me that I suddenly have multiple boys in my life. Not all romantically oriented, either. This is odd for me. I think it is a function of fully gaining the outsider status of a divorcee - even if that status is all in my mind. I don't feel right around married mama friends. Not fully. The other day, on father's day, I forgot it was Father's day until I called one of my married mama friends. She said "Oh, yeah. Since you don't have a husband or really a father, it figures you would forget." I don't think she meant it to be as mean as it sounded. In fact, I am certain she didn't. And I wasn't really upset by it. But, still. Yeah. That pretty much pegs it.
Which might explain this sudden influx of boys in my life. They are single. I am single. That seems to be the predominant factor in forming "hangout" relationships. Availability. I am available. It is an interesting time in my life. I am enjoying my newly refound ability to be around boys, and enjoying my singledom also. I am having my cake and eating it, too. But I do kind of miss the mamas.
And, too, there is this idea that I fight against. Now that I have come to terms with being single and a parent, and being glad for it. For now. Like, to the point where when I hear of my friends talking about all of the little obligations that partnership entails I am not wistful for them but, ack! somewhat appalled by them. There is this idea, though, that I still fight against...the idea of this ideal family structure that I am expected to provide for my children. The structure that I know my children crave, but that I am, for now, unable to provide without doing some serious compromising - first, because there is really no one promising in my life right now to build that kind of structure with unless I force the issue (and I so do not want to try forcing that issue again. Ever.) And second, because really I am exploring this idea that perhaps there Might Never Be. And I am learning to not fear that for my children, just as I have learned to accept that I don't really fear that for myself. That I never really have needed a partner to feel fulfilled, and that it's not fair for anyone to find someone to merely fill a logistical/practical role in my life for the sake of my children. Even though a year ago or so, I truly thought it was perfectly fair. Now, the idea of living with someone who is practical but with whom I am not fully engaged with does not satisfy me or interest me in the least - even though I do occasionally long for...something. A break. Solace. Another pair of hands. Someone to change the damn lightbulb on the front porch. Damnit.
Perhaps it will happen one day that I will find someone who fulfills my romantic desires as well as those practical needs. In the meantime, I am happy with the way things are. I hope I can find a way to communicate this satisfaction...this JOY...with the children so they understand and do not feel a sense of longing for a fabricated structure that I am incapable and/or unwilling to provide. I have foundation here, and solid walls. And a roof over my head that does not leak. And, while it does feel precarious at times, and sometimes the doors stick or the hinges squeak, this house of mama love stands just fine on its own. Better than just fine. Fabulous.
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Comments
Hi Dru,
Your post made me cry. It is so beautiful. I miss you and I'm enjoying this morning of catching up with blog reading after a long absence. My little ones just graduated from 8th grade and high school respectively and most of those years I was a single mom too. Not a bad job I must say. And to you, HATS OFF MAMA!
You're raising two fabulous future men.
Suzanne