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« Cool Air and Crushy Boys. | Main | Shockingly Beautiful. »
Update. Life. Complications.
June 5, 2006
I just got home from work to my emptyish house, and it feels so weird. I keep feeling like I am forgetting something. I guess the last few times the kids have been at their dad's for extended stays, I have had other people around. Now it is just me, and I feel very displaced.
I also am feeling oddly on top of things. I can go in to work and work 8 hours without having to worry that I am burdening someone else with my children. I can go out for a swim in the middle of the afternoon without having to drive 5 miles out of my way to drop the kids off somewhere. I can involve myself in complicated social dealings without having to reserve my energy for the children.
And, oddly, though I am writing more in my journals...I am not in the mood to blog. I am finding myself embroiled in a situation that I feel very protective of, and I really do not want to share it with anyone. It's the kind of thing that can only be understood if I give all of the background information...and I am totally not wanting to give all of the background information, because that information is not mine to share. In my mind, it is all good. However, I am sure if I attempt to share my feelings, it will seem not all good in the lack of context and completeness. So, I won't share any. You should just know that I am feeling mushity and happy and full of life and love. And I'm also feeling some less positive feelings, but that is all part of the everything that makes us human, and I totally love that, too.
I swam 40 laps today, which was enough to get me good and rubbery feeling. I figured out that if I go swimming after swim lessons are over, I can get my own lane and not have to worry about any of that confounded lane sharing. I do not like to share lanes.
I miss my boys. As logistically smooth as my life is without them, I crave random chaos. The house is too tidy. I find that I am leaving the dishes in the sink on purpose, just because that is the only thing I seem to ever mess up around here in this house by myself. It is very weird here without them. I wake up in the morning and long to tell someone to go away and leave me alone, but I am already alone. Without Coley around to knock on my door and wake me up, I am finding that I wake myself up by my loud nose snoring.
What else? That is about it. Nothing more to report. My little empty world. It's kind of nice, actually. There is expansiveness in all directions. I can choose to be solitary, and I can choose to not be solitary. These days, I feel very privileged to have that choice.
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Comments
Oh, the constant constant care of children...we forget how they are perpetually in our mind. It is very interesting to read how you capture so well the person who is not just the mother.
Cheers.
i am blind as a bat without my glasses. how in the world am i supposed to stay in one lane, let alone share one? i've never gotten that. it's actually one of the reasons i have for not going swimming (another is that i really hate chlorinated water, but until i live near a river or lake this one has to stay put)! life is unfair for the visually challenged! (never mind the coordination-challenged...)