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« June 2006 | Main | August 2006 »
Chess Lessons
July 31, 2006
Some days are just too easy. Today...Monk has decided to give Coley a chess lesson. Which means mama gets to sit back, relax, and enjoy the next hour or so.
He's a good teacher, too. At one point, Coley said "Monk, I didn't hear what you just said. I was paying attention, but I just didn't get it."
Monk replied, gently "Pay as close attention as possible, cole."
Then, Monk stopped reading about the history of chess and whipped out his chessboard. Coley said "I am ready to rock and rolllllll!"
What great kiddos they are.
Should I order cyanide, or order champagne?
July 28, 2006
When the kids are around, we call this "Dance Party USA" - basically, playing music loud and running around cleaning up the house.
Right now, I'm listening to a warbly old tape recording of the Beatles' White Album. No...now it's The Pixies - Surfer Rosa. And the kids aren't around. I wish my cassettes weren't all fucked up like this. This album kicks ass. Your bones got a little machine!
You're so pretty when you're faithful to me!
But, anyway...that's not why I'm writing this post at 8:30 on a Friday night when I have no excuse to be at home because the kids are BOTH at a slumber party except that I really fucking need to clean the house, so I ordered a pizza and am now dancing around trying to get stuff done in the most roundabout way possible.
But, still...that is not why I am sitting here tawkin' atchya. The thing is. I was wondering. How come is it that when I fall in love with someone. When I finally make that decision, or when that decision finally makes me, to just surrender completely and stand to face that oncoming train with open-handed arms extended at but away from my sides and my head turned to one side but one eye steadfastly fixed on that one grimglorious headlamp. Chest heaving. Thumping. Fluttering like gills in this liquid eternity.
Why is it that when I am there and feeling the most beautiful feelings I can imagine and at the same time mourning the one day loss of these feelings because, really, isn't that inevitable with all love...Why is it that tying myself to these tracks again and allowing myself to let go and let go and let go of my fear...Why is it...why is it...why is it that meeting that diesel head on and splitting soundless like smoke always. ALWAYS. always makes me just say..."Ah Fuck."
"I got a broken face! uh huh!"
(Gigantic. My big big love.)
ass from head, extracted.
July 25, 2006
I am feeling markedly better now than I was when I wrote the last two posts. I am still coughing and sniffling, but I am not as stressed. I have found that little calm place in my being. That place of stillness where I rest. Hahahaha.
Actually, what happened is that just as I was feeling at my lowest on Sunday. You know, at that point where I started thinking "Damn. No one actually LIKES me. I have NO FRIENDS!" I got a call from a friend, and went out with him to see a cheesy-ass movie at Alamo Drafthouse. We shared a pizza, laughed a bit, talked excitedly about all manner of things. Got silly. And parted ways.
It is so good to be connected. And sometimes I get caught up in creating new connections, and I forget that I am already connected to some pretty wonderful people who make me feel good about myself without even trying. So often I go overboard on "making an effort" with people because, man, people fucking EXCITE me...and I get all arm-wavey and wanting to know every single last little thing and I get totally immersed and everything else in the world starts to get smaller and smaller and smaller until finally it all disappears, along with me, in the face of this fascinating new person I have discovered. I need to quit that. Ha! I haven't figured out how in all of my years on this planet. One day, I will figure it out, and I will be able to flit from person to person and discover things little by little by little instead of eternally pushing for everythingallatonce.
So, yes. My head is now free of ass, and vice versa. And although things are still hectic (why, just a moment ago I had to think. Hard. about where on earth my children are at this moment.) I am moving forward. On the edge of my seat. Ish. Excited about life and all its joys and sorrows.
Yes. Oh, yes. Oh freaking yes.
I am not a mess. I am just messy.
July 23, 2006
So, basically, my feelings of ookiness over the past week or so finally culminated in an explosion of Lainie messiness this weekend. I am all over the place. Lashing out. Also, I am sick. And tired. And depressed. And wanting out of everything.
I know, logically, that this is temporary. That I will come through. But in the meantime, irrational thoughts rule my day. You know, the old "everyone hates me...my life is a mess...the world is going to shit...BLAH!" stuff.
And, talking to my mom today, I realized just how deeply ingrained it is for me to internalize it all. To hide and not speak. To slap on that happy face and pretend that everything is groovy. Because somehow even though I have total and complete empathy for all of my friends who get depressed, I am ABOVE THAT. How fucking snooty of me! I just started reeling off this laundry list of Shit That Is Going Wrong in my life, and I don't even know how many times I stopped to apologize, and my mom finally just said "Look, everyone has days where everything seems to be going to shit!" I was like "Well, it's been a whole week...a MONTH...for me." She said "Well, ok then! A month! there are twelve of those, you know."
My mom is a wise woman. heh. It's not like I was miraculously cured when I got off of the phone with her, but I did feel more hope. There are lots of reasons for my life to feel shitty right now. Most of them are totally outside of my power to control, and I just have to deal. Some of them are within my control. Some of them aren't even reasons to be depressed, but they are easy to blame for my depression because everyone else in my life seems to think they are recipes for disaster.
So, I will start from the beginning. I put forth an effort to make amends with someone I felt like I wasn't fair to last night, but I can't wait around for the response to that. I am going to spend the day cleaning, resting, reading, taking care of myself (I am still sick from this cold I caught Tuesday. Monk got over the same cold in two days, but since I am not taking care of myself, this fucker has dragged on for 5 days now) balancing the budget, writing. Doing things that make me feel GOOD about myself. Planning something for the near future...a retreat or something. Writing off those things I can't control, and writing about those things that I can.
It has been a long time since I have felt truly depressed. I need to look at that as a good thing, rather than beating myself up over the fact that I am feeling down in the first place. I made this mess, and I am going to clean it up. And hopefully, when all is said and done, I can snuggle up with someone sweet and just rest to the sound of another person's beating heart.
My grateful 5 for today:
- Michael Franti, particularly "Love Invincible"
- Monk's get well card to me last week "Get better, or ELSE! <3 Monk"
- Getting complimented by a stranger for the good behavior of the boys at a restaurant we went to on Friday
- Finally taking care of Monk's teeth
- A clean kitchen floor and champa incense
- A sweet, yet bewildered man I know <3<3<3
- My mom
- Having more than 5 things to be grateful for, even when I am feeling crappy
- Plowing forward.
Onward!
Love Invincible Michael Franti And Spearhead lyrics
Artist: Michael Franti And Spearhead
Album: Everyone Deserves Music
Year: 2003
Title: Love Invincible
When I fall down, I need a helping hand.
And when I lose my head, it's cause it's buried in the sand.
When I get stuck on myself, feelin' sorry for myself.
Will you help me grab a hold and please don't patrionize my soul.
When I start to lose control, when I get irrational, when I start to get too high,
you see me come floating by, I say
Touch me in the morning sun, when I feel impossible.
show me what is possible. Teach me love invincible
Touch me in the morning sun, when I feel impossible.
show me what is possible. Teach me love invincible
When your down, you need a helping hand.
And when you lose your head, I'll help you wash away the sand.
And when you get stuck on yourself, feelin' sorry for yourself.
I will help you grab a hold and I won't patrionize your soul.
When you start to lose control, when you get irrational, when you start to get too high,
I see you come floating by, I say
Touch me in the morning sun, when I feel impossible.
show me what is possible. Teach me love invincible
Touch me in the morning sun, when I feel impossible.
show me what is possible. Teach me love invincible
Teach me love invincible, Teach me love invincible
When we're down, we need a helping hand.
And when we lose our heads, it's cause they're always buried in the sand.
But when we get stuck on our selves, feelin' sorry for our selves.
Will you help us grab a hold and please don't patrionize our souls.
When we start to lose control, when we get irrational, when we start to get too high,
You see us come floating by, I say,
Touch us in the morning sun, when we feel impossible.
show us what is possible. Teach us love invincible
Touch us in the morning sun, when we feel impossible.
show us what is possible. Teach us love invincible
Teach us love invincible, hold us love invincible, share us love invincible,
be us love invincible, help us love invincible, touch us love invincible,
breathe us love invincible, sing it love invincible.
Love invincible. Love invincible. Love invincible.
Love is invincible.
Single Parenting
July 21, 2006
WARNING: Whining and self-pity abounds in this post. Go read the fucking news if you want real trauma.
There are weeks where being a single parent sucks ass. This week is one of them. This week is one of those weeks where I would like to slap every single person I have ever known who has even thought to question why women stay in less-than-ideal relationships - even WAY less-than-ideal ones. Because I know why. It's because parenting without another adult is a fucking trial and a half.
I have spent 4 hours in commute this week to and from childcare for my kids, in 100+ degree weather (at least that's what it felt like) in my un-air-conditioned car. The best part is that I live 10 minutes from where I work. Plus I was sick. Am still sick. 4 hours of travel for 8 hours of work.
So, I am wondering why I am laying here feeling restless, but too tired to do anything. And feeling really hungry, but not having an appetite. I very rarely ever have trouble sleeping, but tonight...I can't fucking sleep.
The kids are gone, but they will be back in less than 5 hours, and then I have to be up for errands and a stupid dental appointment for them at which I am sure I will get the guilt trip of a lifetime because Monk's teeth are so messed up. And I have to drive out to Round Rock and back for that appointment in mid-afternoon heat, and pay way too much because hurricane Coley got us banned from the dentist that is actually covered by their insurance (and is 10 minutes away.) haha. Oh, that kid. ha! At least that is making me laugh.
I am just tired, is all. There are weeks like this when I want to say "fuck it" and find the most normal, non-challenging, hard-working sap of a man I can manage to snag and somehow figure out how to con him into co-parenting with me. Just long enough for me to catch my fucking breath. Or woman. Fuck. Even moving to Chicago to live with my mom is sounding appealing to me right now.
Like everything else, this will pass. I am making myself a sandwich to silence my growling stomach, and if I can't get to sleep soon after that, I will just take the damn dog for a damn walk and wear myself out that way.
Fucking goddamn hell ass bitch shit fucking goddamn fuck.
ha! There!
The Ear of an Antelope
July 16, 2006
(a poem by coley)
The ear of an antelope
Is so sweet
But the touch of a feather
Isn't that sweet
And a pineapple
In the sea
With a jolly a jolly a jolly a jolly
a life is so sweet.
The touch of a screwdriver
Isn't that good,
But kicking an antelope
is great.
And ever since I've been
Waiting here, I've been
Dying to see my life
and a EAR of a antelope
is so sweet.
Book Suggestions!
July 16, 2006
One of the things that went "down with the ship" when my hard drive crashed was my REALLY SUPER EXTRA LONG list of book suggestions for myself and the kids. So, I am creating a new one. Please send suggestions of your favorite books for grown-ups (I like politics, flowery prose, concrete metaphorical fiction (true stories with metaphorical implications) and anything having anything to do with the human condition and the various ways we deal with it - fiction or non-fiction. I am not terribly fond of science fiction, but will read it if it is done well (I even can barely read Ursula Leguin, because I can't keep track of made up words and names for things)), 9-14 year olds (Monk mostly likes science fictiony stuff. He loves the Pendragon series, the Redwall Series, and of course Lemony Snicket), and 5 year olds (Coley especially loves Shel Silverstein, poetry, and right now - books about the human body)!!! I will add them to my list.
Thanks :)
Lebanese blogger(s)
July 15, 2006
UrShalim is blogging from Lebanon about the bombings. Certainly there are more out there.
I picked the wrong day to stop feeling depressed.
Ah. Fuck.
July 15, 2006
Emotionally In-Touch Boys.
July 15, 2006
I have been sort of depressed-ish and weepy for the past few days. Mostly hormonally driven stuff, but also the result of dredging up the past in an attempt to make sense of the present. It has been difficult, because I have had the kids with me practically non-stop for over two weeks, and it has been challenging parenting, as they struggle with transitions in their lives and have sketchy sleep habits and more intense needs.
So I have attempted to "protect them" or "shield them" by refusing to dissolve into tears. I held it all in for days, and when they finally did have time at their dad's, I had a friend over and didn't feel like dissolving into tears, so I never got that release. So, basically, yesterday? I couldn't hold it in anymore and spent much of the morning feeling randomly pissed off (not really directed at the children, but barely containable towards other people. And finally working through that anger to the root...which, of course, was really pain and sadness. By afternoon, I had replaced the random rage with random bursts of tearfulness, and kept apologizing to them for being "all weepy."
They were so sweet. And I realize that I probably protect them from my full emotional spectrum too much. It is not like I am telling them they are the cause of it all, and it is not like I am lying in an unproductive heap while they stick their fingers into electrical outlets. We had a full, productive day yesterday AND I was totally an emotional wreck - an exposed nerve - the whole time.
But, here's where the parenting/life lesson came into play. When I finally just admitted defeat and wept openly, tired of holding it all in, Coley approached me all filled with his little empathic tears and put his arms around me. I gently started to push him away, saying "Oh, Coley - you are making me feel more weepy!"
To which Coley brilliantly and astutely responded, horrified, "Well, OK...then I will just stand here and be mean to you!" Which in his 5 year old wisdom is the opposite of trying to hug and love on me...and which made me realize what a fucked up mixed message that is! Basically, I was telling my baby "No. Don't comfort me. It only makes me more said." Which was the opposite of what I was feeling. I am so thankful he verbalized that reaction, because it allowed me to step out of that mode and to state, emphatically, that I was wrong, and that we DO comfort people when they are sad. We don't stand near them disapprovingly and act like their sadness is a burden.
I am so thankful for my wise boys. They proved to me yesterday that they are really OK. They are capable of the entire breadth of emotional responsiveness. That they are sensitive and caring and sweet. That they don't mind that I'm not perfect and 100% strong all of the time. Towards the end of the day I asked Monk "Does it make you feel nervous when I am sad." He admitted that it does. We talked a LOT about holding things in and letting things go. About how sometimes we have sadness that we don't express in the moment, and it comes out later. About how important it is to allow yourself the opportunity to get it all out. About all manner of things emotional. And they were so, so patient with me - even when I grew impatient with myself and them.
This morning, Monk came into my room and the first thing he said was "Are you feeling better today, mom?"
I was able to honestly answer "Yes. Yes, I am. Thank you for asking - and for being such a great kiddo."
I am a proud mama of two really wonderful, strong, emotionally in-touch, sensitive, resilient boys. And nothing could make me happier.
Why I love my coleybird
July 12, 2006
Standing in front of the mirror at a too-early (for me) hour to be rising for work, fixing my hair. Coley walks in and says:
"Yeah. You are great!"
"I am great?"
"Yeah! You look PERFECT!"
My little 5 year old charmer.
Decluttering
July 11, 2006
You know...I feel oddly, um, liberated by the loss of my hard drive. It inspires me to start fresh. And I realize that it is the same thing, in a way, as my last post. It's not just about losing people and making room for other people...it's about losing [whatever] and making room for [different whatever]. Or losing people or [whatever] and allowing for more breathing room.
Either way, I am noticing a theme, and I am thinking it would be wise for me to heed the signs and start considering what I have in my life that is excess and interfering with my enjoyment of what I want, or keeping me from obtaining what I want. It's not necessarily about getting rid of stuff, it is about making room.
It ain't about who you love...
July 11, 2006
So, I have been sitting around a lot lately and thinking about this concept of love. Love, which lately clogs my ability to write in linear terms and opens up arteries of sheer blood poetical theatrics in my paper journal. Love, which drives me crazy and keeps me sane. Love, which binds me in shackles and causes me to burst forth, warbling liberty! Liberty!
And the funniest thing about love as it exists in my life today is that I can trace the origins back to disappointment and loss. I lost a friend, and at the time that it happened, I thought to myself "Well, this certainly sucks, but I guess now that I no longer have this person in my life, I am open to someone new." I was compelled to seek those people out, and I am delighted with what I have found. From every angle. And it is not right to compare, but I have to say that all things considered, I have come out way ahead in the deal.
However, I fear that all of this makes for very crappy blogging. Couple that with the fact that I just can't even seem to get into READING blogs lately, what with all of the constant arguing and bickering and sarcasm that I used to find so fun and now just can't bear to fucking cast my eyes upon, and you have the makings of a hiatus. Possibly a long one. Well, crap...things have been hiatusish around here for some time anyway. I just feel overexposed and underunderstood in this venue. Or, at least, unable to make myself understand...which has nothing at all to do with the audience and everything to do with the abstractness of my life right now.
So, I hope everyone is doing well. I will send little messages in this blog bottle on occasion while I am sorting everything out. Trust that I am soaring. Enjoying life.
Oh, and...
July 8, 2006
Monk has expressed a desire to read Darwin. Out of the blue. So I ordered this book for him.
Far be it from me to discourage the kid. So, this summer we will be reading The Odyssey, The Iliad, and the Evolution of Species.
My Boys.
July 8, 2006
I have had the entire week off from work this week, and sometime around yesterdayish, I started to wonder why I was so freaking tired. It took me a minute or so to realize I have been non-stop mom all week without interruption and, man, it is exhausting.
However, I think my boys have finally really settled in. Our summer "school" rhythm is going to get underway next week...slowly building up. And there has been a nice little change in attitude from my eldest, after having worked out some kinks after our 3-week separation. Monk was very roller-coastery last week and the week before, but he seems all settled in now. Very little arguing and power struggling...lots of good discussion and growth and, actually, emotional expression. I am even finding that he will allow me to kiss him without immediately wiping off my kisses. haha. Coley is Coley. Bouncing around like a little frenetic bug. But he is delightful. Telling stories to me while I do dishes and inventing elaborate weapons and customs for the "people of his planet." Making snowflakes. Creating concoctions with my spices and building intricate devices with tinker toys.
Monk just walked in here and told me that he knows I am going to be tired at the end of the day, because I have so much work to do, so he would like to offer to take us all out to dinner using his allowance money. I wonder if I should let him do this? My immediate reaction is "heavens, no! Don't spend your money on THAT!" But I also feel like, yes...why not? Why not let him do something nice for us all?
It has been that kind of week. hahaha. I suppose there are far worse parenting dilemmas I could be facing.
Wow.
July 8, 2006
I'm Totally Psyched About This Abortion! | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
[link via feministing]
Philisophical boys.
July 6, 2006
My two children, opposing forces that they are, have been getting into tons and tons of discussions about the existence of god. Or God. I am certain that Monk is a non-believer. Coley, I think, wants to believe in God...but is not sure in what form.
On the way to the pool across the street the other day...walking across the field...I overheard Monk tell Cole:
That's because NATURE exists...and GOD does not.
It cracked me the fuck up. hahaha. So perfectly descriptive of my boys and their budding senses of place.
Pasta Pie (an original coley recipe)
July 5, 2006
The appetizer is pasta salad, with just cucumbers, salad dressing and pasta with some celery, you can make a WHOLE pasta salad.
Step one: Grind up the celery.
Step two: Put the celery in a bowl
Step three: Take the pasta and cook it
Step four: Put in the salad dressing
Step five: Put in the cucumbers
Step six: Eat it!
The main course is: Pasta Pie
Ok, then
Step One: BAKE some pasta. Just simple baking
Step Two: GRIND some chocolate (just a little tiny bit!)
Step Three: Put a little tiny whiny whiny whiny bit of cheese. Not mozzarella, just CHEDDAR cheese
Step Four: Put some mozzarella on!
Step Five: Add just a little tiny whiny bit of flour. About THREE teaspoons of flour. Only three teaspons. Nothing else but three teaspoons
Step Six: Add a teaspoon of oil
Step Seven: Boil it in for THREE minutes.
Step Eight: When you are done cooking it, put your favorite toppings on
Step Nine: Add a TWO red peppers
Step Ten: Grind and add some broiled and melted CHOCOLATE. Just a little
Step eleven: put icing on
Step twelve: eat it!
Dessert - Neko Cat Salad
Step One: Take three pieces of candy - three MINTS, and put it...and boil them...and put them on....a TORTILLA (This is more like a tacoey thing, so don't worry about the tortilla)
Step Two: Put three...put only two gumballs in.
Step Three: Put a bunch of salad toppings on it.
Step Four: Eat it!
Keeping myself occupied...
July 4, 2006
Here's what I have been filling my senses with lately:
Eating:
the kids and I are cooking our way around the world with the Kids' Around the World Cookbook. It is amazing what they will eat when they have a hand in making it.
Reading:
I am reading The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K. LeGuin, the Sexual Life of Catherine M. by Catherine Millet, and The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. The kids and I are reading the second book in the Pendragon series, and Leaves of Grass.
Listening:
I am listening to a ton of stuff, but I am allowing myself to be heavily influenced by the musical tastes of the sole musician in Black Wax Machine. So lots of guitar stuff. Ethereal. Instrumental. Quavering and wavering. And Jimi Hendrix! Wow.
Watching:
I am working my way through all of the episodes of Futurama. Last week I watched the Boondocks Saints (I think is what it is called). I saw the Bjork movie the other night in the theater. Puffy Chair movie. I am sure there are things I can say about all of these, but I can't think of anything off of the top of my head.
Doing:
Mostly just a lot of sitting around thinking about cleaning up the place. Getting by. It has been a very lazy in practical things, active in my heartfelt pursuits kind of last few weeks. The kids and I play cards and go swimming a lot. I take my walks. Get embroiled in things. Have endless conversations in chat. My house is breaking. I am planning a maybe trip to chicago in the fall. Maybe. And I am dreaming of buying a mandolin, and a tattoo.
Thinking:
I am thinking about relationships and their parameters and rules. What I can accept and what I must reject - either by virtue of my own preferences or by virtue of my motherhood and the limits it places on my freedom. I hate to say it like that, but there is a certain amount of caution I must exercise when it comes to tripping around after love. It is, of course, up to me to define those limits. And I am thinking a lot about that. Also, the book. I am thinking about finding someone to help me select what goes in and what does not. And to help me with some decisions about future publishing ventures. I might just make the book more of an annual zine kind of thing. We will see.
Feeling:
Absolute and total bliss. Terror, to some extent. hahaha. Love - Deep and abiding and difficult to place or define. Panic about random little stupid things in my life. Contentment. A desire for order balanced with a seeming need to create disorder. Sexiness. A kind of restless laziness. Sure-footedness. Love.
that about describes where I'm at right now.
Independence Day
July 4, 2006
For the first time since they returned from their 3-week stint with dad, coley is playing by himself in the other room. His separation anxiety has been causing him to linger at my side and, if forced, directly outside of the door of my room. And sometimes it has been necessary to force him from my side so I can accomplish a task or complete a thought that can't be accomplished or completed with a 5-year old tumor at my left elbow.
This is not the sole reason for my absence, but it is one of them. The kids are doing well. I think it was hard for them. Not necessarily because of where they were but because of the length of time and the fact that it was their first time away for so long. Coley, especially. My little mama's boy.
The other reasons for my absence are more about my insatiable lust for human contact and the getting-to-know you phase of that contact. I am immersed in a soul so convoluted and beautiful it is like an all-day acid trip. Still, it remains undefined. Indefinable. Indefatigable. And the rest of my life and relationships continue on around this little bubble of something that has arisen out of nowhere, which makes it all the more surreal.
I am finding, in this relationship, that it is absolutely necessary for me to believe that I am kind and good. To trust that I am not and never have been intentionally cruel. Well, rarely anyway. And to also believe in the gentleness of the soul I am witnessing. It is an amazing journey. I am enjoying it wholeheartedly. Tongue-lollingly. Open-souled/close-eyed. Fucking beautiful.
And I am feeling the need to rein in some of this chaos I have created in my home. To organize. It is one thing to experience the joy of random anarchic encounters with fellow humans, it is another to have disorganized clutter everywhere in my surroundings. I have a lot to do. Writing is happening, ideas. I can't waste time cleaning up after myself because a pile of something was knocked over by mistake. I crave sparse surroundings as the everything within me greens and lushens up.
Lushens. Ha.
In other more mundane news - my hard drive failed on my desktop computer yesterday. Not only that, but my back-up drive, on which I had stored all of my backed up files, also refuses to work. I am hoping I can retrieve the data somehow, and I had been planning to buy a new hard drive anyway, but it is a pain in the ass. I am not going to really panic about it now except to mourn a bit for lost bits and bytes and 3 or so months of my freeform writing exercises. Thank Maude I have also been writing in my paper journal over that time, so I have at least captured the essence if not the precise words in both places.
Also, though, all of my music! Gone! Except for what I have managed to save here and there on disk.
Again, I am hoping it can be retrieved. We shall see. I shall reserve fret for the moment someone says "irretrievable."
Is anyone still reading this? Give me a shout out!