Dru Blood - I believe in the inherent goodness of all beings: I am not a mess. I am just messy.

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« Single Parenting | Main | ass from head, extracted. »

I am not a mess. I am just messy.

July 23, 2006

So, basically, my feelings of ookiness over the past week or so finally culminated in an explosion of Lainie messiness this weekend. I am all over the place. Lashing out. Also, I am sick. And tired. And depressed. And wanting out of everything.

I know, logically, that this is temporary. That I will come through. But in the meantime, irrational thoughts rule my day. You know, the old "everyone hates me...my life is a mess...the world is going to shit...BLAH!" stuff.

And, talking to my mom today, I realized just how deeply ingrained it is for me to internalize it all. To hide and not speak. To slap on that happy face and pretend that everything is groovy. Because somehow even though I have total and complete empathy for all of my friends who get depressed, I am ABOVE THAT. How fucking snooty of me! I just started reeling off this laundry list of Shit That Is Going Wrong in my life, and I don't even know how many times I stopped to apologize, and my mom finally just said "Look, everyone has days where everything seems to be going to shit!" I was like "Well, it's been a whole week...a MONTH...for me." She said "Well, ok then! A month! there are twelve of those, you know."

My mom is a wise woman. heh. It's not like I was miraculously cured when I got off of the phone with her, but I did feel more hope. There are lots of reasons for my life to feel shitty right now. Most of them are totally outside of my power to control, and I just have to deal. Some of them are within my control. Some of them aren't even reasons to be depressed, but they are easy to blame for my depression because everyone else in my life seems to think they are recipes for disaster.

So, I will start from the beginning. I put forth an effort to make amends with someone I felt like I wasn't fair to last night, but I can't wait around for the response to that. I am going to spend the day cleaning, resting, reading, taking care of myself (I am still sick from this cold I caught Tuesday. Monk got over the same cold in two days, but since I am not taking care of myself, this fucker has dragged on for 5 days now) balancing the budget, writing. Doing things that make me feel GOOD about myself. Planning something for the near future...a retreat or something. Writing off those things I can't control, and writing about those things that I can.

It has been a long time since I have felt truly depressed. I need to look at that as a good thing, rather than beating myself up over the fact that I am feeling down in the first place. I made this mess, and I am going to clean it up. And hopefully, when all is said and done, I can snuggle up with someone sweet and just rest to the sound of another person's beating heart.

My grateful 5 for today:

Michael Franti, particularly "Love Invincible"
Monk's get well card to me last week "Get better, or ELSE! <3 Monk"
Getting complimented by a stranger for the good behavior of the boys at a restaurant we went to on Friday
Finally taking care of Monk's teeth
A clean kitchen floor and champa incense
A sweet, yet bewildered man I know <3<3<3
My mom
Having more than 5 things to be grateful for, even when I am feeling crappy
Plowing forward.

Onward!

Love Invincible Michael Franti And Spearhead lyrics
Artist: Michael Franti And Spearhead
Album: Everyone Deserves Music
Year: 2003
Title: Love Invincible

When I fall down, I need a helping hand.
And when I lose my head, it's cause it's buried in the sand.
When I get stuck on myself, feelin' sorry for myself.
Will you help me grab a hold and please don't patrionize my soul.
When I start to lose control, when I get irrational, when I start to get too high,
you see me come floating by, I say

Touch me in the morning sun, when I feel impossible.
show me what is possible. Teach me love invincible
Touch me in the morning sun, when I feel impossible.
show me what is possible. Teach me love invincible

When your down, you need a helping hand.
And when you lose your head, I'll help you wash away the sand.
And when you get stuck on yourself, feelin' sorry for yourself.
I will help you grab a hold and I won't patrionize your soul.
When you start to lose control, when you get irrational, when you start to get too high,
I see you come floating by, I say

Teach me love invincible, Teach me love invincible

When we're down, we need a helping hand.
And when we lose our heads, it's cause they're always buried in the sand.
But when we get stuck on our selves, feelin' sorry for our selves.
Will you help us grab a hold and please don't patrionize our souls.
When we start to lose control, when we get irrational, when we start to get too high,
You see us come floating by, I say,

Touch us in the morning sun, when we feel impossible.
show us what is possible. Teach us love invincible
Touch us in the morning sun, when we feel impossible.
show us what is possible. Teach us love invincible

Teach us love invincible, hold us love invincible, share us love invincible,
be us love invincible, help us love invincible, touch us love invincible,
breathe us love invincible, sing it love invincible.

Love invincible. Love invincible. Love invincible.
Love is invincible.

Posted at July 23, 2006 11:48 AM

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Comments

WOW dru, its been probably 3 years scince I've checked in to your blog and to find us on the same crappy page is, i dunno worth a good chuckle.Im just having baclk in to the blog-world agan after a long vacation....

Posted by: jes at July 25, 2006 7:13 PM