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« Why I don't blog about current events so much anymore. | Main | Keeping myself occupied... »
Independence Day
July 4, 2006
For the first time since they returned from their 3-week stint with dad, coley is playing by himself in the other room. His separation anxiety has been causing him to linger at my side and, if forced, directly outside of the door of my room. And sometimes it has been necessary to force him from my side so I can accomplish a task or complete a thought that can't be accomplished or completed with a 5-year old tumor at my left elbow.
This is not the sole reason for my absence, but it is one of them. The kids are doing well. I think it was hard for them. Not necessarily because of where they were but because of the length of time and the fact that it was their first time away for so long. Coley, especially. My little mama's boy.
The other reasons for my absence are more about my insatiable lust for human contact and the getting-to-know you phase of that contact. I am immersed in a soul so convoluted and beautiful it is like an all-day acid trip. Still, it remains undefined. Indefinable. Indefatigable. And the rest of my life and relationships continue on around this little bubble of something that has arisen out of nowhere, which makes it all the more surreal.
I am finding, in this relationship, that it is absolutely necessary for me to believe that I am kind and good. To trust that I am not and never have been intentionally cruel. Well, rarely anyway. And to also believe in the gentleness of the soul I am witnessing. It is an amazing journey. I am enjoying it wholeheartedly. Tongue-lollingly. Open-souled/close-eyed. Fucking beautiful.
And I am feeling the need to rein in some of this chaos I have created in my home. To organize. It is one thing to experience the joy of random anarchic encounters with fellow humans, it is another to have disorganized clutter everywhere in my surroundings. I have a lot to do. Writing is happening, ideas. I can't waste time cleaning up after myself because a pile of something was knocked over by mistake. I crave sparse surroundings as the everything within me greens and lushens up.
Lushens. Ha.
In other more mundane news - my hard drive failed on my desktop computer yesterday. Not only that, but my back-up drive, on which I had stored all of my backed up files, also refuses to work. I am hoping I can retrieve the data somehow, and I had been planning to buy a new hard drive anyway, but it is a pain in the ass. I am not going to really panic about it now except to mourn a bit for lost bits and bytes and 3 or so months of my freeform writing exercises. Thank Maude I have also been writing in my paper journal over that time, so I have at least captured the essence if not the precise words in both places.
Also, though, all of my music! Gone! Except for what I have managed to save here and there on disk.
Again, I am hoping it can be retrieved. We shall see. I shall reserve fret for the moment someone says "irretrievable."
Is anyone still reading this? Give me a shout out!
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Comments
How 'bout a tiny shout -- the kids just went to bed. Hope the hard drive is retrievable. You're much calmer about it than I would be. I salute you.
I like 'lushens.'
I've been reading your blog for some time since feministblogs.org linked me to it. I'm a student at UC Berkeley living in a co-op addicted to feminist bloggy news of all sorts. I've been so very much impressed and touched by the love your family demonstrates! Glad to hear your babies are back with you, and keep up the great blog!
Hi, I'm still reading. :-)